Ari Shaffir: Passive Aggressive (2013) Movie Script

[The Upper Crust's I've Got

My Ascot 'n' My Dickie]

*

[cheers and applause]

Fuck yeah.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

It's very, very aggressive,

relax.

Have you ever done this?

Have you ever got into

a conversation with somebody

and as soon as you start

talking to them--

like, as soon

as you start talking,

you realize, oh, I don't want to

talk to you at all?

Like, no part of me wants

this conversation.

What do you do at that point?

Like, what do you do

when that happens?

(man)

Walk away.

You are a liar.

You'd like to be that guy.

You would love to be that guy,

but you're not that guy.

Nobody's that guy, dude.

What are you, just like

that much of a sociopath?

You're just like,

"Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I agree with you."

Boom!

You don't do that.

You just take it.

That's what we all do.

It fucking sucks.

You can't go anywhere.

You can't do anything.

All you can do is go, like,

look around the room.

Hopefully they get that cue.

And they never do.

Most people would get that.

If I'm talking to you and I'm

like this the whole time,

you'll be like,

"Oh, I can see you're busy."

'Cause you're

a human fucking being.

'Cause annoying people

never read those cues.

They're just like,

"Where are you looking?

"Why are you looking away?

What's wrong with you?

What's happening?

Look at me."

It's horrible. I should just

start walking away.

That would be the best thing

to do, right?

You can't do it,

but that would be ideal.

I'm done letting people I hate

choose how I live my life.

I want out of that whole mess.

I do it so much.

And with those annoying people,

it's the same thing.

You're just stuck. They're like,

"Hey, is that your time?

I'm gonna rape it now."

You're like, "No, no, no,

don't rape my time.

My time is like,

"Ari, don't leave me!"

"I'm sorry, dude, you're getting

raped by her. Nothing I can do."

You can't even stop.

I always know I'm about to get

into the conversation,

but I can't turn it around.

They're like, "How are you?"

I'm like, "Good. How are...

you?

Fuck!"

Why did I do that?

All right, start the clock.

Ten minutes, let's go.

You can't stop yourself.

You can't.

It's like when you lock

your keys in the car.

You never notice, like, after

the door's closed.

I always notice when I'm, like--

I'm, like, right there.

When it dawns on me,

and I'm like, "Oh, no.

"Aw! I'm about to ruin my day.

Why?"

But you're like, "I can still

see the inside of the car."

It's right there.

So if I was fast enough,

I could reach around

and stop the car from closing.

But I'm not fast enough.

So noticing here, that just

makes it hurt way worse.

It makes you feel like you had

a chance to save it.

So it just hurts even more.

You never, like, close the door

and then walk away,

and then go, "Oh, wait.

"Oh, no.

"Oh, I bet I just..."

"Yep, there they are.

Well, at least there's nothing

I could have done."

It's never that.

It always looks like this.

"No, no! Fuck!"

That's how it is with annoying

people, you can't stop.

I was talking to this girl

in Los Angeles, a comedienne.

Her name is Damienne Merlina.

She's so annoying.

She's the worst. We never have

anything to talk about.

She's not even that annoying.

We just have nothing in common.

So we talk, I'm just like,

"Oh, you're killing me!"

She's so annoying.

Also, she has one arm, but...

It's got nothing to do

with the story.

I'm only telling you

because if you ever saw her

you'd be like, "Wait, I don't

know. Is that her or not?

"'Cause he didn't mention

the part about the one arm,

so maybe it's not her."

That's the only reason

I'm telling you.

It's not why she's annoying,

if that's what you think.

I knew her when

she had two arms.

She was just as annoying then.

The only thing that changed

was one day

her arm to annoyance ratio

just shot the fuck up.

That was the only difference.

She was yapping about something

I couldn't care less about.

I'm doing the look-around

at all my friends.

And she smelled.

She stunk.

She had that--

she had that fat smell.

You know the fat smell?

Ugh.

It's not--

Not every fat person has it,

but it's, like,

1 out of 12 fat people.

They're just--

They're fat in a certain way,

so that when they're showering,

they can't--

like, they can't reach under

to wash under the belly fold.

Like, they just can't get under

there for whatever reason.

I'm sure the one arm

didn't help.

So what'll happen is sometimes

an immigrant

will just crawl up in there,

and--and he'll just die.

He'll die

of heat exhaustion

or loneliness or starvation.

I haven't read all the papers

but he dies,

and then when you're talking

to them, you're like,

"How--There's no God, clearly.

How do you smell that way?"

It's cool out,

how do you smell this bad?

We should just walk away.

God, I really do want to stop

letting people I hate

choose how I live.

It really does suck.

And by the way, there's one

exception to that rule.

You know that rule of, like,

if someone's, like, looking a--

Like, I'll start talking to

a girl at a bar,

and she's going like this,

like, the whole time,

she's not interested.

But one exception, if you're

talking to a Jewish girl

at a bar

and she's going like this,

what she's actually doing is

she is presenting.

She is letting you know

that she's in heat.

Please continue pursuit.

That's what--that's what

she's telling you.

I want--Here's when I realized

I did it too much

in terms of letting people,

like, choose how I live.

I was in traffic, well, not

traffic, it was in the streets.

You know when there's, like,

three lanes

and you got two lanes

that are driving lanes,

and then the right-hand lane

is a parked car lane/

super-dangerous passing lane.

You got, like, 40 yards to pass

or you're just dead,

you're just dead.

So I was driving in

the center lane one day,

driving the speed limit,

smoking a bowl like a gentleman.

And...

[laughs]

somebody tried to pass me

in that right-hand lane.

They tried to, like--

And I do what, like, any normal,

civilized person would do

in the same situation.

I--You know, I go,

"This will not go down today!"

And I put everything down,

I try to speed up

so they can't get in.

But they've got momentum,

and momentum's real.

So they get in.

But of course, I can't take it.

I just can't accept that

in my mind.

It won't allow this injustice

to stand.

So I had to, like, swerve

to my left

and try to cut in and out

of traffic,

narrowly avoiding accidents,

just so I can get back in front

of that guy

just to restore order

to the world.

And then I'm like,

"Why am I driving like a maniac

just 'cause that guy's late

for something?"

Just pack another bowl,

steer with your knee

for a little while.

Safety first,

always safety first.

And just cheer him on.

You guys do drugs, right?

Of course you do.

[cheers and applause]

Of course you do.

You know what I'm fucking doing

lately in my life--

I'll get back to drugs

in a second--

I liked this girl recently.

You ever like somebody.

It fucking sucks.

It has never gotten better.

Since I was 15 years old, it's

never gotten any fucking better.

It really is not.

It's never been easy.

You always have--You're--

you're--you're stomach is tense,

and you never know

what you're doing.

It just fucking sucks.

Since I was 15.

This was my date life at 15.

This is what I would do.

I couldn't go up to girls

I liked in high school.

It was just I was too nervous.

So I would pretend like

I forgot the homework

and then I would call them

on the phone.

And I'd have a list of topics

to talk about

just in case the conversation

went dry,

which it always would.

That's why I had the list.

And do you remember the first

time you actually hit it off

with a girl?

Like, you were actually talking

to her on the phone?

Or a guy?

Someone that you like.

And you're actually, like,

catching a vibe

and it's, like, going well?

Remember that awesome moment

where you were like, "Whoa.

"I actually like this girl

and we're flirting on the phone

"and I'm making her laugh

and she's making me laugh.

This is fun."

If this is what dating life is

all about, I'm in.

I'm in forever.

100%. This feels rad.

And then just when you think

it's perfect,

you would hear the click

on the other end of the line

and your mother

would just be like, "Hello!"

"No. I'm on the phone, Mom.

I'm on the phone."

"Hello?

Is someone on the phone?"

"Yeah, it's me, the guy who said

'I'm on the phone.'

Hang up!"

"Hello? There's no dial tone."

"I'm on the phone!

Hang up!"

"Ari, is that you?"

"Yes!"

"Hang up the fucking phone!"

"Who are you talking to?"

"Shut up!

"Shut your fucking mouth!

I hate you!"

"Ooh, is it a girl?"

"Fuck you!

Fuck you, Mom!"

Every fucking time.

"Who'd you think it was, Mom?

Stupid idiot, Mom.

You didn't stumble upon

a spy ring, okay?"

"Its your son trying not to be

gay. Let it happen."

I just remember thinking, like,

someday it'll get better

than this.

Like, this is not good,

but someday if I become

successful

or have some sort of money

or become a man.

Like, it'll get better.

But there's where I realized

that's all full of shit, too.

When I heard that Mel Gibson

voice mail

that he left for his wife.

You guys remember that?

He was screaming at her,

screaming on

a voice mail message

to suck his dick in the Jacuzzi

more often.

And I'm like, "If it's not easy

for Mel Gibson,

what chance do I have?"

That guy's won an Oscar.

I haven't done shit

with my life.

Like, my great legacy

to the world--

if I died right now,

my great accomplishment

would be that I once beat off

seven times in one day.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

I was in--I was in college.

I was in Maryland,

and I had to write a paper.

And I'm very ADD

about that stuff,

so it's hard for me to sit

and write.

So I had to come up with

a reward system for myself.

So what I did was

for every hour that I

continuously sat and wrote

I just earned one jerk-off.

And it worked for

a little while. It did.

By the fourth one I was like,

"I don't even wanna do this

anymore.

Why am I obligated because of a

promise I made a long time ago?"

By number seven,

I couldn't even feel anything.

It was just completely--

I was, like, wringing it,

like, "Go!

"Do something!

Move!

Go!"

Have you even seen a penis come

when it's completely soft?

It's really disgusting.

It's really gross.

That doesn't exist in nature,

that thing.

Not even, like, 5% hard,

completely soft.

It looks like

a hungover frat guy.

His friends are fucking with

him, and he's just like...

[groans]

Stop it.

Get out of here.

Come on, dude, leave me alone.

Stop it. Get outta here.

I'm so--

[belches]

Stop it.

Dude, I'm not joking--

Stop joking around, bro.

Stop.

No--

[retches]

It never gets better.

Then you finally find somebody.

You like them.

You need to learn how to, like--

how to flirt text well.

That wasn't even part

of the game ten years ago.

And now,

if you can't do that well,

you will never get laid.

You need to, like, be able to

say something witty

but also advance

the relationship, like--

like, only that much.

And then she has to come back

and advance it, like,

that much more.

You have to do

this stupid dance.

'Cause if any of you were honest

where's it's like,

"Hey, we look like we're gonna

fuck eventually, right?"

You go like that, they're like,

"No, it's over now.

You're a creep."

So I have to toil

over the exact wording

of a fucking whimsical text,

by the way.

I'm using all of my skills as

an English major.

It's like, "No, that applies.

Unh-unh, we're not going--

No, back up."

You finally get the right

wording down,

you have to send it to your

friends, let them proofread it.

And they send it back

with their revisions.

And then here's the worst thing.

When you finally get the courage

up to, like, send this text,

when you're like,

"Okay, I'm gonna go for it,"

and you, like--you hit send and

you feel good about yourself.

You're like, "She's gonna love

that. She's gonna laugh.

It's gonna be awesome."

But then, like, you wait

like nine minutes

and if they haven't written

you back,

you're just like,

"Ow, devastation.

My heart hurts.

Why won't you write me back?"

It's never gotten easier.

Even when you like somebody,

when you finally find somebody

you like and you wanna--

you know, you wanna see

their vagina and stuff,

you can't just go right

for that.

You can't go like,

"Oh, take it out. Let me see."

It's, like, you gotta, like,

have a talk first.

And by the way, hopefully before

you see their vagina

you have this talk.

Hopefully, it shouldn't be

just sprung on you.

Do you remember when

Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears

both got caught, like, around

the same time with--

with their pussies out?

There's no nice way to say that.

They intentionally got out of

a car in front of 80 paparazzi

with no underwear on

and a miniskirt.

Remember that, where'd they be

like this, like, "Here I go,

getting out of the car"?

Getting out.

"Oh, I left something

in the glove compartment.

"I should go get that

from the glove compartment.

No, it's in my purse.

Okay, I had it all the time."

And we all laughed at them,

but then here's the weird thing

that started happening.

Girls started dressing that way.

Regular, non-fucked-up

celebrities

started wearing a miniskirt

and no underwear.

And so I saw it one day.

I was walking into a nightclub

in Las Vegas,

and some girl was dancing

and she just went down

a little too low.

And then just--just out of

the corner of my eye,

I couldn't see it dead-on,

but just out of my periphery.

Dude, when you're not expecting

to see a vagina,

it's very unsettling.

There needs to be some sort

of warning or something.

Not like, "Oh, I'm gonna go

into this club.

"Oh, there's a vagina!

There's a vagina

right over there."

It was like a rat had

scurried by or something.

You're not supposed to see it

out of captivity like that.

Clean yourself up, vagina.

No, but hopefully before you see

their vagina

you gotta have the talk.

And I'm not saying, "I love you.

Do you love me?"

That's stupid. Nobody does that

anymore before you have sex.

Is this the '20s?

There's no way.

When I say the talk,

I mean like, "Hey,

"I had a genital wart,

like, four years ago.

What do you got?"

That's the talk.

And please don't fucking get

uncomfortable

when I bring that up.

That's not even the big one.

The big one is herpes.

Nobody gets AIDS.

But the big one is herpes,

and that's one out of four

people,

which means fucking

a quarter of you in here

have full-blown herpes.

And you're all looking all weird

because I brought up

some other shit.

Fucking, that's how

you have to talk.

You have to share.

If you get uncomfortable now,

how would you be

in an actual conversation?

One out of four people,

do you know what that means?

That means one of

the fucking Beatles had herpes.

One of The Beatles

and one of the Village People.

And the other Village People

had AIDS, I guess.

That's what one out of four

means.

That means it's pretty common.

I don't have it,

but a bunch of you do.

One out of four means

if you go to Baskin-Robbins,

seven flavors are gonna have

full-blown herpes.

Baseball Nut Crunch,

Rocky Road.

I don't know what they'd be.

No, you gotta share so you can

both make an informed decision

about whether or not you want to

go through with this or not.

Let 'em know.

Here's the deal.

There's a mathematical formula

to figure out--

You take, like,

how much am I attracted to you

times,

what have you had before

divided by,

how hard is my boner,

and you get a number.

And it's a simple over-under

from there.

That's all it is.

If you tell me you had a rash

when you were 19

and it lasted for four days

and has never come back since,

I'll be like,

"I'm gonna chance it."

"Thank you for being honest,

but yeah, let's go for it."

But if you tell me

you have AIDS,

like, a full case of AIDS,

that's a lot different.

At that point,

you have to be really hot

for me to go through with this.

Like a seven or above, not--

still gettable, you know.

Not crazy hot.

You gotta share.

Even if it's uncomfortable,

find a way to work it into

the conversation somehow.

You could be like, "Oh, it's so

cold out, you know.

"It's terrible.

You got those cold rains

"and it's, like--

just gets into your bones.

and, like--like chlamydia does

a lot, you know."

[chuckles]

I once had sex with a girl who--

I didn't catch it, thank God.

It was, like, 12 years ago.

I wore a condom.

Fuckin' flipped the coin

and I won.

It's not like I always wear 'em,

but I wore it this time

and I didn't catch it,

but she had herpes.

And she didn't tell me, though,

that she had herpes

- until after we had sex.

[audience groans]

Which--yeah, that's the wrong

time to share that information,

if you ask me.

And I should say this,

in her defense,

by "after we had sex,"

I mean, she told me, like--

like, right before we started.

There's no way I'm stopping

at that point.

She's naked right there.

I'm naked right here

with a boner,

and I'm back thrusting.

I mean, like, right before.

This is the last possible

moment, you know?

It doesn't matter what she says

at that point.

This is going to happen.

She could be like,

"I planned 9/11."

I'd be like, "Hey, look,

it's okay. I hate New Yorkers.

It's all right.

Let's do this."

She's like, "No, it's not that."

I'm like, "What?

What do you have to tell me?

You're my real father?

Fine. Let's go."

My boner's just turned over,

looking at me.

Like, "What are we waiting for?

"What's the holdup?

This is what we practiced, man.

"All those years in the sock was

for this moment.

Let's get your head

in the game."

And she goes--she goes,

"No, I have herpes."

I'm like, "Whoa, that's--that's

way worse than 9/11."

At least after 9/11

you could rebuild.

I was like, "I'll just go

really slowly, how about that?"

I didn't catch it. It worked.

I don't know.

I don't fuck really slowly.

Nor, by the way,

do I fuck like this.

I don't, like...

I don't aggressively

fucking pound it.

That would be a great way

to fuck, though.

They remember you.

Be like, "Hey, let's have sex."

Okay, line it up.

Let's get it straight.

Correct for wind.

And boom!

Just yell, "we are one,"

right when it happens, too.

We are one!

'Cause I'm superromantic.

That's how I am.

I would yell, "We are one,"

and hold it for, like,

three seconds,

and then just pull out

and walk away.

One of those. I'd give her

one of these as I go.

I'd go...

'Cause girls need--

You know, they get like,

you know, weird after sex.

You have to tell 'em

they're doing a good job.

It really has not gotten easier.

It really hasn't.

And then even when

you find somebody you like

and get married--

I'm sure some of you

are married in here--

it's still fucking hard.

My friend, John, he's been

married for five years.

He loves his wife.

Let me just start with that.

He's totally in love with her.

I saw him do this once

where he cracked open a beer

and held it out for his wife,

and she didn't see it.

Her back was turned.

For three seconds

she didn't see it.

I want you see how long

it looks like.

It looks like this.

That's it.

And she didn't see,

so he goes,

"I'm holding a fucking beer!"

And she's like,

"Well, I didn't see you."

"Well, I'm holding it,

like an asshole!"

And that's a level

you're hoping to achieve.

Like, that's what you want to

get in your relationships.

I think I know why.

I think I know why every

married friend I know fights

just like all our parents did,

because they make

this huge mistake that

every married couple makes.

They decided to live together.

I know it seems stupid,

but it's a horrible idea.

Don't make a roommate

out of somebody you love.

Those are horrible people.

It never is gonna work.

Here's why. Here's why.

When you live with somebody,

you're wrong half the time.

Half of any situation

that comes up

you're gonna be wrong.

I live alone.

I've never been wrong before.

It's never ever happened.

Here's--For example, one time

I was eating Chinese food

in my apartment.

I was naked

and I was eating Chinese food.

It was, like, 2:00 p.m.

I wasn't ready to start yet.

And I'm eating this Chinese

food. I'm talking on the phone.

And as I'm talking,

the chopsticks crossed over

and a piece of

General Tso's Chicken fell,

like, over the bowl

and onto the floor.

I tried to catch it while it was

falling out of the air

with the chopsticks,

but as soon as I tried,

I was like, "Are you crazy?

"Did you really think you had

any shot in the world at that?

"Miyagi tried for half a century

and never got it.

Your first try, a target moving

away from you, really?"

The hubris involved

to think I had any chance.

Here's how close I got to

catching the chicken

out of the air with chopsticks.

I hit it with my wrist

and I forced it down faster.

That's how close I was.

As soon as I tried,

I was like...

So I was like,

"I gotta get that chicken."

But I was on the phone,

so I was like,

"I'll get it

when I get off the phone."

But then I talked for, like,

another 30 minutes

and then I got call-waiting

and that call lasted

45 more minutes.

And then I got late

and I had to leave.

So I quickly put some clothes

on, then I left,

and I came back,

like, 10, 11 hours later,

and I'm running to the bathroom.

'Cause you know, as soon as you

touch your keys to go inside,

like, you have to pee like

you're never had to pee before

in your life.

What is that?

You're like, "Oh, I'll be in

in one second."

Nope, I need five seconds."

It just makes it way harder

to go in now.

Fucking idiot, bladder,

you can't wait ten seconds?

So I get it open, I'm running

to go to the bathroom,

and I saw the piece of chicken.

It was, like, still

on the floor there.

And I was like, "Ah, crap,

I gotta get that.

It's been there all day.

That's really disgusting."

But then I went to the bathroom.

I got sidetracked and I started

the vaporizer up.

And then I smoked some pot,

and then I ate a shitload

of Gummi Bears,

like, a totally unhealthy amount

of Gummi Bears that I ate.

And then--and then I got tired

from eating all those

Gummi Bears, you know?

'Cause the texture after a

while, it really wears you out.

And so I went to sleep.

I was like, "Fuck it, let's call

it a day," and I went to sleep.

And then I woke up

in the middle of the night,

like, 4:00 or 5:00 a.m.

to go to the bathroom,

and I was walking

to the bathroom

trying to keep my eyes closed

so I wouldn't wake up.

And as I'm walking,

I stepped right in the chicken.

And at first, I didn't even know

what it was

'cause it had been so long.

I thought I just killed

a cockroach with my bare foot.

That'll wake you up, by the way.

"[groans]

Oh, I just killed a cockroach!

That's disgusting."

I was like, "Oh, it's that

chicken. That's right."

It's been there for, like,

a day and a half.

It's really disgusting.

So I got a paper towel

and I wiped it off my foot,

and then I wiped the rest

off the floor.

And--and that's it.

I was not wrong.

[cheers and applause]

It was just some stuff that

happened one day.

That's all it was.

But now, try telling

that same story.

Try telling

that same exact story

and change one detail.

Add a wife to the story.

See how far you get

in that same story.

See if you get all the way to

the end

where you get to smoke pot

and eat Gummi Bears

and go to sleep

while chicken is

lying on the floor.

See if you get that far.

You won't.

First of all,

you're not going out

with chicken lying on the floor.

First of all, you're not eating

naked in your own Goddamn house!

Like a man!

You gotta put clothes on,

like a chump.

Here's how far you'll get in

the story. I'll just tell you.

Nowhere, that's how far.

This is what'll happen.

You'll drop the chicken.

You'll make the mental decision

to not immediately pick it up,

and you'll start to walk away.

But you won't even get that far.

Here's how far you'll get.

Drop, decision, here.

That's it. That whole story,

this is how far you get.

Until you hear this voice going,

"What the fuck

"do you think you're doing?

"Are you really about to leave

chicken on the floor,

"you fucking dipshit?

"What the fuck is wrong

with you?

"Are we animals?

Do we live in a fucking barn?

"You fucking monster.

Pick up the Goddamn chicken.

You 6 years old? What the fuck

is wrong with you?"

And you have to be like, "No,

I'm sorry. I'm not 6 years old.

"We don't live in a barn.

"I apologize for leaving

the chicken on the floor.

"I should not have left it

on the floor.

"That was a mistake on my part.

"I should have picked it up

right away,

"and I was wrong to leave it

on the floor.

"I apologize, first of all,

for putting you in the position

"of having to yell at me,

"and second of all,

I've disrespected

"this household,

which I shouldn't have done.

"I should have picked it up

right away.

"In fact, that's what I'll do

now. I'll just do that now.

"I'll pick it up.

"This is what I should have done

in the beginning,

"and I'm sorry I didn't,

but I've learned.

"I've become a better man for

what you've done here.

Thank you for teaching me

how to be better as a person."

And you'd be wrong.

You'd be wrong.

And it sucks to be wrong.

Nobody ever likes being wrong,

ever.

I'm a pretty open guy, and I've

never once said to somebody,

"Hey, thanks for correcting me

to my face."

It always feels shitty.

And it's not like you're wrong

every other time.

You just have random,

like, layouts.

So sometimes you'll be wrong

10, 11 times in a row.

Where now, you can both feel it.

You got a streak going.

You know that moment

where you're, like--

You always sense it. Like,

you wake up in the morning,

you're just like,

"Oh, that was a good--Oh, fuck."

It just dawns on you, like,

"I've been wrong a lot lately."

"This doesn't feel very good."

Like, "I wonder if she notices.

"She probably--I'm not even

gonna wake her up.

"I'm not even gonna let

her deal with it.

I'll just get out of bed

and not even deal"--

And then you look over,

she's not even there.

And you're like, "Oh, no."

And she's awake just going,

"Well, la-di-da.

"Well, well, well.

Rise and shine, Mr. Wrong.

"That's what my mom calls you.

"That's what we both call you

behind your back,

because you're wrong so much."

You cough, she's like,

"What? What'd you say?

Something else wrong,

I presume."

And it just fucking sucks,

and you hate it.

And all you wanna do in life

at that moment

is just break that streak.

It's like all you can do with

everything--

Every fiber of your being

just wants to break that streak.

And then one day

you crack open a beer,

and you hold it out for her,

and she doesn't see it

right away,

and you're just overcome

with joy.

You're like, "Three, two, one.

I'm holding your fucking beer!"

[cheers and applause]

And all your friends are like,

"What are you guys

really fighting about?"

Don't live together.

It's just horrible.

And don't have children either.

Who's having kids?

Stop having kids.

They're really annoying.

They're horrible.

I'm sure if you have kids,

your kids are the ones

that are not annoying,

but the rest of them.

Nobody ever sat down on a plane

next to a 4 year old

and went, "Oh, good for me.

This'll be a really pleasant

experience."

No, we all hate kids.

They're horrible.

You know who does not get lice?

Adults.

Kids are awful.

[chuckles]

My friends, Steve and Tracy,

have this kid

and he's, like, 2 or 0 or 7

or something.

I don't know.

He's undeveloped.

And we were all at a Super Bowl

party at their house,

and this kid tried some food

he didn't like.

He's, like, 3 years old, and

when they try food at that age

and they don't like it,

they don't handle it very well.

It's not like you or me.

If you or me, like,

tried some food, I'd be like,

"Hmm, wait.

Is that cheesecake?

"It is, right?

Yeah, I don't like cheesecake.

"Yeah, I know.

"I know. I know.

And I'm a sweets guy.

"So you'd totally think

I like cheesecake.

"I totally get where

you're coming from.

"But nonetheless,

I don't like cheesecake,

so you can polish that off

if you like."

At 3, it's not that pleasant

an experience.

At 3, they just start, like,

convulsing.

Their body's rejecting

this outside pathogen.

"Aah, aah, aah,

"I don't like it.

I don't like it!

"Ugh, Mom. Mom! Mom!

"Mom, I don't like it!

Aah!

Aah, aah!"

And I don't blame 'em.

At 3 years old, you've had,

like, 8 real meals

in your whole life.

It was breast milk

for 2 1/2 years

and then you start with food,

and the first six meals

were fucking good.

And this last one is,

"Oh, this is disgusting!"

Like, he just learned

that food could be bad.

His understanding of the world

has been lessened

by what's currently

in his mouth, you know?

He's got nothing

to compare it to.

Me, it's like, "Cheesecake, I've

had it before. Don't like it."

Him, it's like,

oh, hatred exists.

[laughter and applause]

"Aah! Aah! Aah!

I don't like it!

I don't like it!"

And so the mother, she's going

on with her conversation

like nothing's happening.

And I'm like, "I'm sorry.

Are you gonna get that thing?"

Like, "I don't wanna tell you

how to raise your kid,

"but I think it's dying.

I'm pretty positive.

"I don't know, but if my dog

started acting like that,

I would take him to the vet

immediately."

So this grown woman,

in front of all her friends,

had to stand up

and put her hand out

and walk over to this kid

like she was some sort of

Egyptian slave.

And the kid,

not even a moment of, like,

"Are you sure you want me to do

this in front of your friends?"

No moment of respect, just takes

her hand, just goes...

[spits]

And looks at her angry

like it's her fault.

[spits]

"This is what you get, peasant."

[spits]

"Yuck, get it all."

And then he finishes,

and then he just goes like...

He just dismisses her,

and she has to take it

and fucking, I don't know, put

it in her pocket or something.

I don't know.

I stopped looking at her

when I lost all fucking respect

for her.

That kid just took a dump

in your face.

And they all act like

it's nothing.

They're like, "It's such

a blessing to have a child."

Fuck you!

Then why do you look tired

all the time?

They're horrible.

They all say that, too, like,

"Ari, you should have a baby.

"It's such a--it's such

a wonderful blessing.

You should really do it,

you'd be"--

And this is what they say, too,

"You'd be such a good father.

You'd be such a wonderful

father."

I'm like,

"Where are you getting that?

"Have you been to my apartment?

I don't live very well.

A child would just perish

in that environment."

I change my sheets

every 5 1/2 months.

And the reality is,

it's actually way less often

than that.

But 5 1/2 months is the most

a crowd can accept.

So I just lower the number

just so you get the point.

Raise a child.

My kid would be next to me like,

"Daddy, I'm hungry."

I'd be like, "Well, we're both

too stoned to get off the couch,

"so...

"I don't know what to tell you.

"Mommy should have bought

Gummi Bears, but she didn't.

She left us here like this."

Raise a child.

I can't raise a pot plant,

and I like pot.

What chance do I have

with a kid?

They fucking move!

They move around.

They'd be like,

"Where's your kid?"

I'd be like, "He is right--

Nope. I don't know.

"He was over there

at some point.

"Man, I got no idea

where he is now.

"If you're looking for him,

"look everywhere

in the whole world.

"But not right over there.

'Cause we can rule that out."

It is not a blessing.

Here's what I'll compare

parenthood to.

I'll compare it to, like,

20 years

of a heavy heroin addiction.

Where it's like,

look, I've never been there.

I'm sure there's moments of joy

that I could never understand.

But you have aged horribly.

This kid--this kid on a plane.

I was on a plane from

Indianapolis,

and this kid is, like,

2 years old or something.

He started fucking--

He started touching my face.

Just some kid, not my kid.

He's just going like--

It was so fucking--

Whatever.

I don't wanna talk about it.

It's--it makes me so mad.

Like, I clearly

don't wanna talk.

I'm leaned up

against the window--

Whatever, all right.

I'm not gonna talk about it.

[laughs]

Yeah, do you guys do drugs

at all, by the way?

[cheers and applause]

Of course you do.

I'm a fan of drugs.

There's a lot of drug addicts

that are, like, snobs about it.

And by the way,

we're all addicts.

If you take it a lot,

you're a fucking addict. Relax.

There's a lot of people who,

like, think their drug

is better than

everybody else's drug.

I don't like that.

We should team up together.

Let's not be Africans selling

each other into slavery.

Let's fucking work together to

drive out the white man.

[scattered applause]

[whistles]

Alcoholics are the worst about

judging other people,

by the way.

They're like,

"Oh, you do drugs."

I'm like, "Please, your drug

got legal. You got lucky.

"You're not better than us.

You should kind of commiserate

with our feelings."

I don't care whether--

whether it's, like, meth

or heroin or weed

or coke or anything,

in the privacy of your own home,

I feel like you should be

allowed to do it.

And by the way,

I should say this.

If it's coke,

please just do it at home,

'cause you're really annoying.

You're really, really annoying.

All my cokehead friends, like,

"Can I tell you a story?

"Like right here,

like nine times in an hour.

And I'll scare everybody.

Won't that be fun?"

No, it's not a social drug.

Stay home.

I like pot.

I'm a pothead.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, as are a lot of you,

right?

People tell me you get

in trouble here in New York.

And I was like,

"Really? That seems stupid."

It's just a little weed.

I never, like,

had to go to a dealer.

I started smoking pot in, like,

the legal-ish system

of California.

You know, where you just go

to a doctor.

You know the deal.

You've all heard of it.

It's so fucking stupid

and crooked.

You just make up any disease

that's ever existed.

If you can think of any disease

that's ever existed,

you are sick enough to get your

medical marijuana prescription.

You'd be like, "Oh, I just feel

really polio-ish today."

Light it up!

It's so stupid.

And you have to renew

your persip-scription,

or whatever it's called,

prescription,

you have to renew it every year.

Prescription--whatever.

Every year you gotta renew.

As if they're gonna find

a cure someday.

Like, "Yay! Maybe."

Hopefully scientists are working

around the clock

to get me better.

It's so stupid.

This year, I didn't even do it.

The first year

I got really into it,

I was worried that he wasn't

gonna give me my license.

So he was like,

"What are your symptoms?"

I was like, "Oh, I had knee

surgery a few years ago,

"and that still causes me pain

once in a while,

"and I suffer from

sleeplessness,

and I occasionally

have had depression."

And the doctor's like,

"Easy, easy,

you're gonna lose your voice."

"You had me at,

'Here's 40 bucks.'"

You're sick enough.

You got 40 bucks.

You got a problem.

So this year, I'm like,

"I'm not doing this.

"I'm a grown man. Why am I lying

to another grown man?

This is stupid."

So I went in there, and they

give you all these forms

to fill out.

They're trying to be like

real doctors.

They ask you for, like,

family medical history,

stuff like that.

I left everything blank.

I just wrote down in one box,

"I like to get high, bro."

That's it.

Capital "B,"

capital "R," capital "O."

And I gave it back to them,

and they put you in

this waiting room.

You have to sit there for, like,

ten minutes in this office.

And then this doctor comes out.

I guess he's a doctor.

He's got a lab coat.

He's got--he's got a lab coat

and a dusty stethoscope.

And he comes in, and he goes,

"So..."

And he looks over the forms.

He gets to that part.

I can tell,

he, like, rolls his eyes.

And he's like,

"All right, so, you know,

what are your symptoms?"

I'm like, "What symptoms

are you talking about, dude?

"I'm fucking fine.

I like to get ripped.

"I think you can figure out

the situation.

"You're a smart guy.

You went to medical school.

"I think you can decode

the fucking ruse we're playing

"that me and the eight

college kids outside

didn't just catch the plague

all of a sudden."

And he goes, "I'm gonna

write down anxiety."

[laughter and applause]

That's right.

He's fine.

I think it makes people closer

together, pot, I really do.

'Cause the first time I was

leaving a dispensary,

just it's sort of

a social thing.

It's weird, though.

Sometimes people are like,

"Hey, you smoking pot?

Can I get in there with you?"

"Ew, who are you?

No."

But the first time I was leaving

one of those dispensaries,

a pot store, I remember leaving

and rounding the corner--

as I was rounding the corner,

this black guy was

rounding the corner coming in.

He was, like, this

thuggish-looking black guy.

And normally, we'd have nothing

to talk about.

It's not even a racial thing.

It's just we have no

jumping-off ground at all.

He was wearing a throwback

jersey from--

I don't even know

what sport it was.

And I was wearing a cardigan.

You know what I mean?

The odds of us becoming besties

is very low.

But I realized where I was

coming from, that pot store,

and he was going to

that same pot store,

and as I passed,

I looked him square in the eye

and I just go,

"Fuck yeah, weed."

And we high-fived right there

on the sidewalk.

Yeah.

I walked away thinking, this is

a really beautiful thing

that brings people together

like this.

And he walked away thinking,

I'm about to turn around

and mug this Jew.

He stole my pot.

Don't trust strangers.

I had a lady boo me

for pot once.

She booed me.

Not--I'm sorry, it wasn't when

I was onstage.

I was out.

It was in the world.

That's why I'm so upset.

I was just, like, walking,

and I mentioned marijuana

on the phone, and she walks by.

She goes, "Boo!"

You can't boo me here.

I'm a human being here.

I have feelings here.

I was like,

"What's your problem?"

She's like, "I don't like pot."

I'm like, "Yeah, I know that.

When you yelled 'boo'

in my face, I could tell."

I was like,

"What don't you like about it?"

And she goes, "First

and foremost, it's a gateway.

End of story."

I was like, "No, no, you can't

'first and foremost'

and 'end of story'

in the same sentence."

Absolutely not.

Second of all,

so it's a gateway, so what.

Gateways aren't bad.

Gateways are good things.

Fucking Narnia had a gateway.

That's wonderful.

I don't care what your drug is,

just do it.

My friend Patrick's

a pill popper.

He loves pills.

He loves 'em.

Like, if you're Christian,

however much you love Jesus,

he's right there with you

on pills.

You give him any pill,

you just reach in your pocket

and go like that,

he'll just go...

"What was that?

"What are we doing?

We going up? We going down?

What's the situation?"

Patrick doesn't give a fuck.

He's ready.

He's buckled up and ready for

the ride every single time.

He just wants to know if

he needs vodka or water tonight.

That's his only question.

He's like, "Estrogen?

Heard of it. Let's go."

He just had a kid, that guy.

Yeah.

He's 20.

He's a 20-year-old pill popper

with no job

and he got his girlfriend

of two months pregnant.

Yeah, she was 19,

also no job.

And I don't know how she felt

about pills.

I know one pill

she did not like.

[laughter and applause]

But I don't know about

the rest of the pills.

And he called me to tell me

that he got her pregnant.

I'm like,

"Why are you calling me?

Do you need a ride to the

abortion clinic, or like"...

And I'm like, "What happened?"

He goes, "Oh, we just got

unlucky, I guess."

"What is that,

did a condom break?

What does that mean?"

He goes, "Oh, no, I just blasted

away inside of her

every single time."

It's crazy how unlucky you got,

dude.

You got crazy unlucky.

So I'm like,

"What are you gonna do?"

And he goes--he goes,

"We're gonna have it."

I'm like, "What the fuck

are you talking about?

"You can't have a baby!

"You're a 20-year-old

pill popper with no job.

"If you've ever believed

in a woman's right to choose,

this is the time to choose."

I'm pro-choice.

I don't know if you guys are,

but I'm pro-choice.

As long as the choice is to get

rid of that little monster

as soon as possible.

Here's why--

I'll tell you why I believe

abortion should be legal.

It's because I was raised

Orthodox Jewish,

and in the Old Testament,

in the Talmud,

there's a passage

that says this.

It says if someone is coming to

steal from you,

you're allowed to defend

yourself

up to and including

the point of killing them

in order to defend your money.

[cheers and applause]

Right?

Abortion, that's the same thing.

It costs a lot of money

to feed a kid.

So he's gonna steal that

from you.

So kill it.

Jewish Jesus commands you--

commands you to kill it.

I think I'm interpreting that

right. I don't know.

And I'm like, "So why are you

gonna have it?"

This is about--this is about

a year and a half ago

is when he called me.

I'm like,

"Why are you gonna have it?"

The due date was--is actually

today, December 28th.

He goes, "Due date is on

December 28th.

"So we didn't want to have it,

but we felt like that would be

a Christmas present to us."

Like it was a sign.

And I was like, "Okay, first of

all, the 28th is not the 25th.

You can't just be like,

"God is trying to show us.

Uh, close enough."

It's not fucking--

He would have gotten it right.

He has that capability.

Second of all, what kind of

present would that be?

That's a horrible present

for you.

Unless it's a stillborn,

I have no idea

what you're talking about.

[applause]

He's 20!

That would be the best-case

scenario for that guy.

If that was me in his shoes

and it came out stillborn,

I'd be like, "Oh, no!

Well..."

"I feel like I should take

this opportunity

"to break up.

You make terrible decisions."

Just get out of there.

Who's having kids?

They're awful!

All my friends are having kids

and buying homes.

They're all buying houses.

And they always look down on us

like they're better than us

'cause we have apartments.

Which you are,

let's be honest.

They're always like, "Dude,

how do you live with no equity?"

They don't care.

"How do you stay alive?

"You have no equity

in your life,

and yet, you manage to stay

alive. I don't get it."

I'm like, "First of all--

first of all,

I don't know

what that word means."

Second of all,

I never miss equity.

I don't walk around

like a vampire in the sun,

just going like,

"Equity! Equity!"

Or like a fat black man

without his insulin.

He's like, "Equity!"

No--Oh, it's not racist.

Stop it!

That is not racist.

Black people are way more

susceptible to diabetes.

That's just a medical fact.

If you show me six fat black men

over the age of 50,

I will show you

five diabetes patients.

And it's not racist.

Now, if I said,

"Hey, hide your wallets.

There's diabetes patients

around here,"

that would be racist.

[chuckles]

I can't believe this kid fucking

touched me in the face.

That's so Goddamn rude.

He was just like this,

like...

I have my--When I sleep,

I have, like, a mask on,

like I'm an old, like,

movie starlet from the '40s.

I have a neck pillow. I'm

leaned up against the window.

I clearly don't want

to make friends.

I definitely don't want

a fucking kid touching me.

So I had to turn to the mother--

I'm so fucking mad about this,

right?

I had to turn to the mom,

like, "Excuse me.

Get your kid's hand

out of my Goddamn face."

Now, obviously,

I didn't say that.

What I did is I picked up

my mask and I went...

I'm not gonna say anything

to a stranger.

What? Am I a sociopath?

Fuck no.

But I'll passive-aggressive

the fuck out of you.

Want some more of this?

So this mom, she put the baby

on the other lap.

She goes, "Oh, babies, you know.

What can you do?"

I'm like,

"What have you tried to do?

"Tie his hands behind his back.

There's so much.

You haven't even started."

Idiot fucking baby touching me

with his gross hands.

And then she moved to the other

lap and I went to sleep.

And then--I was sleeping and

dreaming for, like, 30 minutes,

and then I woke up

just to the most horrifying--

I just--I was sleeping

and then I just felt, like...

a hand just exploring

the insides of my mouth.

In my mouth!

I can just taste, like,

Oreo cookie

and dirt and boogers.

I'm going, "What is happening?"

This kid started fishhooking me.

That's not legal in wrestling!

This is real life!

So I turn, I was like,

"What the fuck, man?"

And then I realized that that--

She got mad at me immediately.

She was like, "Excuse me. Don't

talk to my child that way."

I'm like, "No, no, no. You had

your chance to get involved,

"and you did nothing.

And then your vaginal discharge

went in my mouth."

[laughter and applause]

It's disgusting!

All right, I'll tell one more

story, and then we'll leave.

- Two.

- Don't pull out--

Two?

It's not a negotiation.

And if it was a negotiation,

you're negotiating with a Jew.

You just picked the wrong guy.

We're like, "You don't have

the capabilities

to hang with us in this."

- One and a half.

- One and a half? All right.

No, but good one.

I like the technique.

All right, I'll tell you half.

Good one. Not bad.

Here's a half story. It's not

a story, it's just a joke.

I, like many of you,

practice birth control.

And many of our

birth control methods

is pulling out.

The safest and most consistent

and longest-lasting method

of birth control

in human history.

We all should use condoms,

but there's all been points

where you're like,

"Eh, I got this one."

But let me just tell you this.

Pulling out is a two-way street.

It's not like the pill

where it's all for you

to take control of.

Pulling out, we both need to

have some responsibility here.

'Cause it takes us to say, "Hey,

I'm about to come right now.

I gotta pull out."

And it takes you not to say,

"Oh, no, no, wait.

"Just one more second.

"Just a little bit more.

"Please, one more second.

Not yet, just a little more.

Just one more second."

This--More seconds?

What?

What are you talking about?

More seconds, what a--

What a crazy cartoon life

you live in.

Look, I led with my best offer,

okay?

If there are more seconds,

I guarantee you

we wouldn't be talking

right now.

I'd still be choking you.

[laughter and applause]

More seconds.

Wouldn't that be nice?

No, we get, like--When you got,

like, five seconds left,

we get like, "Hey"--Like,

there's a voice on our shoulder

goes, "Hey, you got, like,

five seconds left.

You gotta pull out."

But then another voice on your

other shoulder goes,

"Uh, listen to yourself.

"You still have five seconds.

"This is the best part.

Don't waste it.

"This is the center

of the watermelon right now.

Enjoy yourself."

So you're like, "Okay."

So you wait till like,

"Two, one.

"There we go!

There we go.

"I don't know about that.

"I really don't know.

It was right on the line.

I'm not really sure."

[laughs]

All right, now I'll tell you

that story.

I got a phone call one day--

Are you guys having a good time?

Enjoying yourselves?

[cheers and applause]

Thank you guys for coming today.

I really appreciate it.

All right, I got a phone call

one day from my friend, Bobby.

You guys know who Bobby Lee is?

- Yes.

- He was on MADtv.

He was the short, fat Korean guy

from MADtv.

He's a friend of mine.

LA fat, maybe not here.

But I got a phone call one day.

I woke up at, like, 11:00 a.m.

and this message was from, like,

3:45 in the morning,

and this is how

the message went.

It goes like this,

"Ari, I know this was you.

"One, this is just your style.

Two, I can see

the pieces of pastrami."

He goes, "I don't wanna deal

with this now.

I'll deal with it tomorrow,

and when I do--"

And then right then,

he just starts screaming

for about 15 seconds

and then the phone went dead.

And that was--

that was the message.

I woke up--Let me back up

a little bit, actually.

Here's what happened.

I hang out in LA at a place

called The Comedy Store.

And if you--Have you been there?

- Whoo!

- It's the--

It's the coolest place

in the world.

It's like a clubhouse

for comedians.

We all perform there,

but the shows go from 9:00 p.m.

to 2:00 a.m.

It's just a great place.

We all do drugs there.

We park back there.

It's our place, and we have

a group of friends there.

And in every group of friends

there is one friend,

especially among men,

who likes to do

ironically gay shit.

You know, they're not gay, but

they find gay extra hilarious.

So you go give 'em a high five,

and they'll fake the high five

and then tickle your balls

or something, you know.

You're like, "Okay. All right.

Okay. All right, I get it.

Stop it. Stop.

I get it. Enough."

So my friend that likes to do

that is Bobby Lee.

He loves doing that shit.

He loves it.

He'll lull you into

a false sense of security.

He did this move to me once.

He goes, "Ari, you're

a good friend of mine, man."

And you're like,

"Oh, thanks, Bobby.

He goes, "No, dude,

it's been, like, years.

You've been a legitimate

good part of my life."

I'm like, "Thanks, man.

He goes,

"No, come give me a hug."

So you go to give him a hug

and then he, like, latches on

and he starts...

He just starts slide humping,

Not even the regular hump,

the slide hump.

Which is way worse,

'cause you can feel the contour

against your leg.

You know, where the shaft ends

and the ball begins

when you get the slide hump.

It's really gross.

You're like, "Aah, get off me!

This is so creepy!

Stop it!"

It's funny when it happens

to other people,

but that's it.

And we have this other friend

named Jim Painter,

and Jim is super homophobic.

Like, he won't stand for

any of that shit.

He's got a weird Christian

streak in him.

It's just fucking strange.

So he will run away from Bobby,

like, literally run away.

But they are both equally slow

and out of shape,

so Bobby would chase after him,

trying to give him a hug,

but they would--

they couldn't lose

or gain ground on each other.

They had, like, 14 seconds of

sprint in them

and then, like, a week of rest.

That's all they had.

So Bobby can never catch Jim.

So he goes to me one day,

he goes, "Ari, I wanna--

I wanna hug Jim. Like, how--

how do I get him to hug me?"

I go, "I don't know,

threaten something."

He's like, "What?"

I'm like, "Well, his car's

right there in the parking lot.

Go threaten to do something

to his car."

So Bobby's like, "Okay."

So he goes over to Jim's car

and he goes,

"Hey, Jim, you either

give me a hug right now

or I'm going to piss

on your car."

And then to show him

he meant business,

he took his dick out

and he pointed it like...

Like, hostage style at the car.

Don't make a move.

And so Jim goes, "Bobby,

I wasn't gonna give you a hug

"before you had your dick out.

"The odds have gone down.

Not up or even,

they've gone way down."

So Bobby turns to me, he goes,

"What should I do now, Ari?"

I'm like, "I know what you

should not do

and that's fail to

follow through on a threat."

I'm an instigator.

I like instigating.

So Bobby goes, "All right."

So he just starts peeing

all over Jim's bumper.

And Jim is upset,

as any of you would be

if somebody started peeing

on your car.

That's not a cool moment.

He got really mad,

and Bobby saw.

He was like, "Okay." He could

clearly see he went too far.

So to make it up to him,

he was like, "Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll take you out to eat."

So he took--took Jim and me

and this guy named Aron Kader,

this Palestinian comic--

That's got nothing to do

with the story.

But as a Jew, I just want

you guys to know

that he'll get his.

So, um...

So--happy ending.

So he--he took us all out to eat

at Jerry's Deli,

this late-night deli.

And by the way, Bobby was the

only one working at the time.

He was making, like,

5 or 10 grand a week on MADtv.

And we were all living off,

like, 8 grand a year

trying to get by.

If you have any poor friends,

just buy 'em a sandwich

once in a while.

It'll change their lives.

So he took us all out to eat.

Those two guys got omelets.

I got this pastrami sandwich,

this massive pastrami sandwich.

You know--Why do they make them

that high?

I don't get--

My dad always taught me,

he goes, "Dude, if you get"--

He didn't say dude, but...

If you get one of those,

get a couple extra slices

of rye bread,

peel half of that off,

make a new sandwich.

Now they're paying you to eat.

So, uh...

So I did that.

I ate both the sandwiches.

It was so fucking good.

We were so poor.

So then we leave.

We start to leave,

and we're all standing outside,

and Bobby runs out

in between us,

runs across the street,

goes over to Jim's car,

and we're just frozen there.

And he goes, "Hey, Jim,

how about that hug now?"

And he starts peeing

all over Jim's door.

Then he jumps into his own car

and drives off,

giving the finger.

And Jim is just shaking

with rage now.

He's, like--like, convulsing

like that little kid did,

like this,

and I'm convulsing, too,

but like, to try not to laugh at

how fucking hilarious that was

and how much game Bobby got

out of nowhere.

Like, the piss was good, but

the pullback with the apology

and then re-piss,

fuck yeah, man.

The master has become

the student.

And so Jim's like,

"I'm so fucking mad."

And so I said,

as a joke really--

But you ever make a joke

to one of your friends

but they just take it, like,

100% seriously?

So I just, as a joke,

I just said,

"Well, you could always

take a dump on his car."

As a joke, I'm telling you.

But Jim just goes,

"Ha ha ha--Yeah."

All right, dude, that's cool.

So--so the next night,

the very next night,

we're all hanging out

at The Comedy Store.

Jim is there. Bobby's there.

Aron Kader's there.

And Jim and Bobby are like--

Well, Jim is really just

mean-mugging Bobby.

He's making it

really uncomfortable.

He's still really mad.

And so Bobby saw that, so he's

like, "I'm uncomfortable."

So he took Aron Kader,

they went down the street

to The Standard Hotel and Bar

just to hang out and have fun.

And Jim's there, and soon

everyone starts leaving.

And as Jim started leaving, it

was, like, 1:30 in the morning,

the place is emptying out.

There's, like, five cars left

in the parking lot.

I notice one of them, one

of the cars was Bobby Lee's car.

So I stepped in front

of Jim's car,

like, stopping him from leaving,

like I was that kid

from Tiananmen Square.

That's who I wanna be

in my story, so I'm--That's me.

And I'm like, "Stop."

He goes, "What?"

I'm like, "Look whose car

is right over there."

And he tries to get out of it.

He's like, "Dude, I just took

a dump, like, an hour ago.

"There's no way I can get--

There's no way I can do this

right now."

I go, "Hey, hey, hey.

A friend in need,

that's a friend indeed."

I still haven't gone

from yesterday.

I've been holding it in for,

like, the last three hours.

You know that moment

where you're like,

"Oh, I'll wait until I use

my own toilet at home."

So it's been building up,

but for a good cause like this,

absolutely,

I'll give to charity.

So I went--We took

a plastic shopping bag

and we put it in the toilet.

Rested the handles over the lid,

and I just leaned over

and I just unloaded

this gargantuan dump.

It was so--

I take big dumps.

I'm not bragging, but I'm--Three

days a week I clog a toilet.

That's normal for me.

And this was big for me.

It was just this--

It was, like, 7 liters

of just shit.

How much is that?

Yeah, it's like three

of those big Cokes--

The can Cokes or whatever,

the jars.

Like, that's about

how much it is.

I don't--I'm eyeballing it.

I have no idea

exactly how much it was.

It was a shitload,

that's how much it was.

It was one shitload.

And--and then we

picked the bag--

I picked the bag up from the--

And I let the water drip off.

And then I handed to Jim

this bag 'o shit.

Jim took this bag of shit,

went over to Bobby's car--

Bobby had one of those

door handles where you can go

from the top or the bottom.

You can, like, see

straight through it.

So Jim--Do I have anything

to do this with?

Jim, he took the top of a box

and he used it like a spackle,

and he went in there,

and he just--

Right into the door handle,

he just slapped it in

and then slapped more

and scraped it off.

And he kept picking up more

and slapping,

over and over again.

So I was like, "Dude, I think

it's stuffed enough."

And he goes, "I'll tell you when

it's stuffed enough!"

"Do it, man. It's your world.

Whatever you're gonna do."

And he would just

stuff it in there

and then wipe off the front.

That's what I'll never forget.

The care he took to make sure

the front was clean.

It was like watching

Ace of Cakes, really.

Just like this.

Artistic.

Then he finishes

and he stands up,

and he looks like a man content,

like someone who just built

a deck or something, you know?

But then he gets this idea.

It's like,

"Oh, do you think I should get

the passenger's side, too?"

And I was like, "Dude, he might

bring a girl home with him.

"Absolutely.

"Absolutely get

the passenger's side, too.

"Why would you be wasting time

right now?

Better safe than sorry.

Go ahead."

So he goes over

to the passenger's side,

and before he starts

I got the best idea

I've ever had in my life.

I go, "Stop, stop, stop, wait."

And I open up the door

and I leaned over,

I turned the windshield wipers

on high.

Not the motor,

just the windshield wipers.

And then we closed the door,

and then he fuckin' re-spackled

and stuffed in it--

Oreo Double Stuffed it.

Really got it in there.

And always wiped it off.

I'll never fucking forget that.

It'll haunt me until I'm dead,

the way he would carefully,

like...

So we did that, then he took

the rest of the bag,

maybe 75, 80% of it,

and he dumped that right into

the windshield wipers

and packed it in.

So it was, like, that high,

like, all the way across

the windshield.

And thick, too,

like half an apple.

That's how thick it was.

So we ran around for,

like, ten more minutes.

Bobby didn't come back, so I go,

"All right, see you tomorrow."

Bobby came back at about

2:45 in the morning

with that guy Aron Kader.

He was gonna give him a ride.

And Aron, the Palestinian,

touched his side first,

and he goes, "Ew!"

And he said Bobby laughed at him

first.

He goes,

"Ha ha, ew, what? Ew!

Ew!"

It was like a double ew.

The first ew was like,

"Oh, what is that,

condensation on my car?"

That sure is gross.

Nothing worse than that.

I haven't washed my car

in a week.

And it got mixed with water,

and now I have that on my hand.

That's the worst possible

scenario.

No, it's shit.

It's human feces, I think.

I have no idea.

Just someone's shit,

just some unknown person shit

just covering their hands,

like they were about to draw

a Thanksgiving turkey.

With nowhere to go

to wipe it off, by the way.

The Comedy Store is closed

so there's no running water.

So you're trying to, like,

wipe it off on the cement.

That's not the ideal way to get

shit off your hands.

If you're anything like me,

have you ever been wiping

and you know how--you don't--

you don't, like,

break all the way through

the toilet paper,

but you just, like--

you breach it.

So your finger doesn't even

come through,

but it just goes to the edge

and just sort of explores.

It's like Jack Nicholson

in The Shining.

And so you don't even get

any shit on your fingers.

It's all clean, but like,

there's a hint of it.

That little--I don't know what

you guys do in that situation,

but what I do is I then scrub

the fuck out of that finger.

I don't normally go soap.

I'll go soap and water

and soap and water.

And then I'll dry

and I'll repeat it,

like, three times

just to get that off.

And still, even then,

like, 30 minutes later,

I'm always like...

[sniffs]

I can still smell it, bro.

Now, imagine a handful

just covering your hand

of someone else's shit,

some unknown person's shit.

There's a lot of levels of when

you have shit on your hands.

There's, like, different types.

The best level, like,

the top level of the ladder,

that would be when you have

no shit on your hands.

That's the best level.

You wanna be on that level

almost all the time.

Then the next level down

is when you have some of

your own shit on your hands.

That's bad, yeah, sure.

But we've all been there before,

and we'll all be there again.

Let's not judge anybody.

Then we take

a really big step down,

and it's when you have someone

else's shit on your hands.

It may be somebody you know,

maybe.

Like, the two of you. You guys

are sitting next together

for, like,

the last hour and a half.

You don't know each other,

but you could be like,

"Well, obviously, I don't want

shit on my hands,

"but if I have to have

somebody's shit on my hands,

"you look pretty normal.

You don't look homeless.

"Sure.

I mean, don't shit right on 'em.

"Shit in a glass and I'll just

dip 'em in there.

"I'm not a freak.

But gun to my head, yeah, okay.

Fine."

And then the last level

is when you have

some unknown person's shit

on your hands.

Could be hobo shit.

It could be hobo AIDS shit,

and you would have no way

of knowing.

And that's what they had

just covering their hands.

So they had to walk

down the street

back to The Standard Hotel

where they were,

with their hands out like this,

like they were--

like they were waiters at

a fine-dining establishment.

But a restaurant that

only served human feces.

[laughs]

Would they still be snooty

about it, probably?

They'd be like,

"Your shit, sir."

So they went to the door

of The Standard.

They're like, "Hey,

can we use your bathroom?

We were in here before."

And the guy behind the door

says, "Yeah, but before

"you didn't have shit covering

your hands.

So no,

you can't use my bathroom."

And Aron said Bobby tried to

play it off like he didn't know.

He was like,

"Oh, I didn't even see that."

So you're both just standing

there like that

with shit-coveredhands

by accident, really?

He was like, "No, beat it.

Get out of here."

So they had to walk down

the street six more blocks

to a gas station

to use their bathroom,

which he also said no.

But he did offer

one piece of kindness.

He goes, "I will let you use

the hose."

So the two of them

hosed their hands off.

They finished. At that point,

Aron Kader said,

"Okay, Bobby,

my night with you is over.

"I'm probably not gonna talk to

you for a few weeks now.

I just gotta settle all this."

Bobby then went back

to The Comedy Store.

Walked the six blocks back

to The Comedy Store,

paid a homeless guy 20 bucks

to take a stick

and clean out his door handle

of all the shit.

If you ever wanted to know,

how much would it cost

if I wanted to hire

a homeless guy

to, let's say, clean shit

out of my door handle

using only a stick,

$20, that's how much it is.

It's 20 bucks.

And if you're like,

"That seems like way too much,"

well, blame Bobby Lee.

He set the market value.

So the guy opens the door

for him, and Bobby gets in,

and he closes it and the guy,

like, leaves.

He curtsies or whatever.

I don't know. Walks out.

I don't know what homeless

people do when they're done,

but he left and went to,

I don't know,

spawn new homeless people.

And then--and then Bobby gets

into his car,

and right then

is when he called me.

And he goes,

"Ari, I know this was you.

"One, this is just your style.

Two, I can see the pieces

of pastrami."

And he goes, "I don't wanna

deal with this now.

I'll deal with it tomorrow,

and when I do--"

And then right then you could

hear the keys sort of jangling,

and you could just hear 'em go

into the ignition.

And I was just so overcome

with just sheer joy.

I was like...

[laughter and applause]

I was like a little kid

who saw a first ball--

The first time

he ever saw a ball.

He's like, "I'm gonna have

so much fun with this!"

It was like--I've never

understood the Christmas spirit

before this moment.

I was just like,

"I get to be there for it?

"I get to hear this happen

and witness it?

Thank you, God,

for what I have done."

I can only compare it to this--

I can only compare it

to the moment black people

must have felt like

in that moment right before

Obama got elected.

Where it's like,

"This is gonna happen!"

And he goes, "I don't wanna

deal with this now.

I'll deal with it tomorrow,

and when I do--"

and he starts the car

and you just hear this...

[mimics windshield wipers

scraping]

As the windshield wipers

just--just struggle--

struggle under the sheer weight

of all this human feces

and pastrami.

[mimics windshield wipers

scraping]

[laughs]

So thick it made a mask of dump

all the way across

the windshield

that he couldn't see out of.

He said he couldn't drive.

I was like, "Why didn't you just

use, like, the sprayer thing?"

Like, later, and he goes,

"Yeah, I tried that.

That just made shit mud."

And I asked him what he did.

He goes, "I couldn't see

anything,

"so I had to drive

to a car wash,

"but I couldn't see

to go to the car wash.

"So I had to, like, roll down

my side window

and have my head out the window

as I drove."

But he caught a waft

of fucking shit and mustard

coming across.

So he had to find which way

the wind was blowing

and drive with that.

So he goes, "Ari, I don't wanna

deal with this now.

I'll deal with it tomorrow,

and when I do--"

He goes, "No!

"No!

Why?"

It was the sound of a man

breaking, that's what it was.

And it was--it was the best dump

I'll ever take.

You guys, I'm done.

Thank you very much, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

You guys are fucking rad.

Thank you so much for coming,

you guys.

I appreciate it.

Have a good night.

[cheers and applause]

[The Upper Crust's I've Got

My Ascot 'n' My Dickie]

*

* I've got my ascot

'n' my dickie *

* The situation's tricky *

* I got a new pair of spats

but aside from that *

* I don't wanna seem too picky *

* Someone help me

through this wicket *

* 'Cause it's awfully sticky *

* I've got my ascot

'n' my dickie *

* Got my ascot 'n' my dickie *

* I've got my ascot

'n' my dickie *

*

* Which one will it be?

* Well, I can't decide

for the life of me *

* Ascot's so refined, but a

dickie's gonna blow your mind *

* If I could just make up

my mind *

* I'd be out there in a jiffy *

* I've got my ascot

'n' my dickie *

* Got my ascot 'n' my dickie *

* I've got my ascot

'n' my dickie *

*

Ari Shaffir: Passive Aggressive (2013) - full transcript