Ari Shaffir: Passive Aggressive (2013) - full transcript

[The Upper Crust's I've Got
My Ascot 'n' My Dickie]

*

[cheers and applause]

Fuck yeah.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.
I appreciate it.

It's very, very aggressive,
relax.

Have you ever done this?

Have you ever got into
a conversation with somebody



and as soon as you start
talking to them--

like, as soon
as you start talking,

you realize, oh, I don't want to
talk to you at all?

Like, no part of me wants
this conversation.

What do you do at that point?

Like, what do you do
when that happens?

(man)
Walk away.

Walk away.
You are a liar.

You'd like to be that guy.
You would love to be that guy,

but you're not that guy.

Nobody's that guy, dude.

What are you, just like
that much of a sociopath?

You're just like,
"Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I agree with you."
Boom!



You don't do that.

You just take it.
That's what we all do.

It fucking sucks.

You can't go anywhere.
You can't do anything.

All you can do is go, like,
look around the room.

Hopefully they get that cue.

And they never do.

Most people would get that.

If I'm talking to you and I'm
like this the whole time,

you'll be like,
"Oh, I can see you're busy."

'Cause you're
a human fucking being.

'Cause annoying people
never read those cues.

They're just like,
"Where are you looking?

"Why are you looking away?
What's wrong with you?

What's happening?
Look at me."

It's horrible. I should just
start walking away.

That would be the best thing
to do, right?

You can't do it,
but that would be ideal.

I'm done letting people I hate
choose how I live my life.

I want out of that whole mess.
I do it so much.

And with those annoying people,
it's the same thing.

You're just stuck. They're like,
"Hey, is that your time?

I'm gonna rape it now."

You're like, "No, no, no,
don't rape my time.

My time is like,
"Ari, don't leave me!"

"I'm sorry, dude, you're getting
raped by her. Nothing I can do."

You can't even stop.

I always know I'm about to get
into the conversation,

but I can't turn it around.

They're like, "How are you?"
I'm like, "Good. How are...

you?
Fuck!"

Why did I do that?
All right, start the clock.

Ten minutes, let's go.

You can't stop yourself.
You can't.

It's like when you lock
your keys in the car.

You never notice, like, after
the door's closed.

I always notice when I'm, like--
I'm, like, right there.

When it dawns on me,
and I'm like, "Oh, no.

"Aw! I'm about to ruin my day.

Why?"

But you're like, "I can still
see the inside of the car."

It's right there.
So if I was fast enough,

I could reach around
and stop the car from closing.

But I'm not fast enough.

So noticing here, that just
makes it hurt way worse.

It makes you feel like you had
a chance to save it.

So it just hurts even more.

You never, like, close the door
and then walk away,

and then go, "Oh, wait.

"Oh, no.

"Oh, I bet I just..."

"Yep, there they are.

Well, at least there's nothing
I could have done."

It's never that.

It always looks like this.
"No, no! Fuck!"

That's how it is with annoying
people, you can't stop.

I was talking to this girl
in Los Angeles, a comedienne.

Her name is Damienne Merlina.

She's so annoying.

She's the worst. We never have
anything to talk about.

She's not even that annoying.
We just have nothing in common.

So we talk, I'm just like,
"Oh, you're killing me!"

She's so annoying.

Also, she has one arm, but...

It's got nothing to do
with the story.

I'm only telling you
because if you ever saw her

you'd be like, "Wait, I don't
know. Is that her or not?

"'Cause he didn't mention
the part about the one arm,

so maybe it's not her."

That's the only reason
I'm telling you.

It's not why she's annoying,
if that's what you think.

I knew her when
she had two arms.

She was just as annoying then.

The only thing that changed
was one day

her arm to annoyance ratio
just shot the fuck up.

That was the only difference.

She was yapping about something
I couldn't care less about.

I'm doing the look-around
at all my friends.

And she smelled.
She stunk.

She had that--
she had that fat smell.

You know the fat smell?

Ugh.

It's not--
Not every fat person has it,

but it's, like,
1 out of 12 fat people.

They're just--
They're fat in a certain way,

so that when they're showering,
they can't--

like, they can't reach under
to wash under the belly fold.

Like, they just can't get under
there for whatever reason.

I'm sure the one arm
didn't help.

So what'll happen is sometimes
an immigrant

will just crawl up in there,

and--and he'll just die.

He'll die

of heat exhaustion
or loneliness or starvation.

I haven't read all the papers
but he dies,

and then when you're talking
to them, you're like,

"How--There's no God, clearly.
How do you smell that way?"

It's cool out,
how do you smell this bad?

We should just walk away.

God, I really do want to stop
letting people I hate

choose how I live.
It really does suck.

And by the way, there's one
exception to that rule.

You know that rule of, like,
if someone's, like, looking a--

Like, I'll start talking to
a girl at a bar,

and she's going like this,
like, the whole time,

she's not interested.

But one exception, if you're
talking to a Jewish girl

at a bar
and she's going like this,

what she's actually doing is
she is presenting.

She is letting you know

that she's in heat.

Please continue pursuit.

That's what--that's what
she's telling you.

I want--Here's when I realized
I did it too much

in terms of letting people,
like, choose how I live.

I was in traffic, well, not
traffic, it was in the streets.

You know when there's, like,
three lanes

and you got two lanes
that are driving lanes,

and then the right-hand lane
is a parked car lane/

super-dangerous passing lane.

You got, like, 40 yards to pass
or you're just dead,

you're just dead.

So I was driving in
the center lane one day,

driving the speed limit,
smoking a bowl like a gentleman.

And...
[laughs]

somebody tried to pass me
in that right-hand lane.

They tried to, like--
And I do what, like, any normal,

civilized person would do
in the same situation.

I--You know, I go,
"This will not go down today!"

And I put everything down,
I try to speed up

so they can't get in.

But they've got momentum,
and momentum's real.

So they get in.

But of course, I can't take it.

I just can't accept that
in my mind.

It won't allow this injustice
to stand.

So I had to, like, swerve
to my left

and try to cut in and out
of traffic,

narrowly avoiding accidents,

just so I can get back in front
of that guy

just to restore order
to the world.

And then I'm like,
"Why am I driving like a maniac

just 'cause that guy's late
for something?"

Just pack another bowl,

steer with your knee
for a little while.

Safety first,
always safety first.

And just cheer him on.

You guys do drugs, right?
Of course you do.

[cheers and applause]

Of course you do.

You know what I'm fucking doing
lately in my life--

I'll get back to drugs
in a second--

I liked this girl recently.

You ever like somebody.

It fucking sucks.

It has never gotten better.

Since I was 15 years old, it's
never gotten any fucking better.

It really is not.
It's never been easy.

You always have--You're--
you're--you're stomach is tense,

and you never know
what you're doing.

It just fucking sucks.
Since I was 15.

This was my date life at 15.
This is what I would do.

I couldn't go up to girls
I liked in high school.

It was just I was too nervous.

So I would pretend like
I forgot the homework

and then I would call them
on the phone.

And I'd have a list of topics
to talk about

just in case the conversation
went dry,

which it always would.
That's why I had the list.

And do you remember the first
time you actually hit it off

with a girl?

Like, you were actually talking
to her on the phone?

Or a guy?
Someone that you like.

And you're actually, like,
catching a vibe

and it's, like, going well?

Remember that awesome moment
where you were like, "Whoa.

"I actually like this girl
and we're flirting on the phone

"and I'm making her laugh
and she's making me laugh.

This is fun."

If this is what dating life is
all about, I'm in.

I'm in forever.

100%. This feels rad.

And then just when you think
it's perfect,

you would hear the click
on the other end of the line

and your mother

would just be like, "Hello!"

"No. I'm on the phone, Mom.
I'm on the phone."

"Hello?
Is someone on the phone?"

"Yeah, it's me, the guy who said
'I'm on the phone.'

Hang up!"

"Hello? There's no dial tone."
"I'm on the phone!

Hang up!"

"Ari, is that you?"
"Yes!"

"Hang up the fucking phone!"

"Who are you talking to?"
"Shut up!

"Shut your fucking mouth!

I hate you!"

"Ooh, is it a girl?"

"Fuck you!
Fuck you, Mom!"

Every fucking time.

"Who'd you think it was, Mom?
Stupid idiot, Mom.

You didn't stumble upon
a spy ring, okay?"

"Its your son trying not to be
gay. Let it happen."

I just remember thinking, like,

someday it'll get better
than this.

Like, this is not good,

but someday if I become
successful

or have some sort of money
or become a man.

Like, it'll get better.

But there's where I realized
that's all full of shit, too.

When I heard that Mel Gibson
voice mail

that he left for his wife.

You guys remember that?

He was screaming at her,

screaming on
a voice mail message

to suck his dick in the Jacuzzi
more often.

And I'm like, "If it's not easy
for Mel Gibson,

what chance do I have?"

That guy's won an Oscar.

I haven't done shit
with my life.

Like, my great legacy
to the world--

if I died right now,
my great accomplishment

would be that I once beat off
seven times in one day.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.
Thank you.

I was in--I was in college.

I was in Maryland,
and I had to write a paper.

And I'm very ADD
about that stuff,

so it's hard for me to sit
and write.

So I had to come up with
a reward system for myself.

So what I did was

for every hour that I
continuously sat and wrote

I just earned one jerk-off.

And it worked for
a little while. It did.

By the fourth one I was like,

"I don't even wanna do this
anymore.

Why am I obligated because of a
promise I made a long time ago?"

By number seven,
I couldn't even feel anything.

It was just completely--
I was, like, wringing it,

like, "Go!

"Do something!
Move!

Go!"

Have you even seen a penis come
when it's completely soft?

It's really disgusting.
It's really gross.

That doesn't exist in nature,
that thing.

Not even, like, 5% hard,
completely soft.

It looks like
a hungover frat guy.

His friends are fucking with
him, and he's just like...

[groans]

Stop it.
Get out of here.

Come on, dude, leave me alone.
Stop it. Get outta here.

I'm so--
[belches]

Stop it.

Dude, I'm not joking--

Stop joking around, bro.
Stop.

No--
[retches]

It never gets better.

Then you finally find somebody.
You like them.

You need to learn how to, like--

how to flirt text well.

That wasn't even part
of the game ten years ago.

And now,
if you can't do that well,

you will never get laid.

You need to, like, be able to
say something witty

but also advance
the relationship, like--

like, only that much.

And then she has to come back

and advance it, like,
that much more.

You have to do
this stupid dance.

'Cause if any of you were honest
where's it's like,

"Hey, we look like we're gonna
fuck eventually, right?"

You go like that, they're like,
"No, it's over now.

You're a creep."

So I have to toil
over the exact wording

of a fucking whimsical text,
by the way.

I'm using all of my skills as
an English major.

It's like, "No, that applies.
Unh-unh, we're not going--

No, back up."

You finally get the right
wording down,

you have to send it to your
friends, let them proofread it.

And they send it back
with their revisions.

And then here's the worst thing.

When you finally get the courage
up to, like, send this text,

when you're like,
"Okay, I'm gonna go for it,"

and you, like--you hit send and
you feel good about yourself.

You're like, "She's gonna love
that. She's gonna laugh.

It's gonna be awesome."

But then, like, you wait
like nine minutes

and if they haven't written
you back,

you're just like,
"Ow, devastation.

My heart hurts.
Why won't you write me back?"

It's never gotten easier.

Even when you like somebody,

when you finally find somebody
you like and you wanna--

you know, you wanna see
their vagina and stuff,

you can't just go right
for that.

You can't go like,
"Oh, take it out. Let me see."

It's, like, you gotta, like,
have a talk first.

And by the way, hopefully before
you see their vagina

you have this talk.

Hopefully, it shouldn't be
just sprung on you.

Do you remember when
Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears

both got caught, like, around
the same time with--

with their pussies out?

There's no nice way to say that.

They intentionally got out of
a car in front of 80 paparazzi

with no underwear on
and a miniskirt.

Remember that, where'd they be
like this, like, "Here I go,

getting out of the car"?

Getting out.

"Oh, I left something
in the glove compartment.

"I should go get that
from the glove compartment.

No, it's in my purse.
Okay, I had it all the time."

And we all laughed at them,

but then here's the weird thing
that started happening.

Girls started dressing that way.

Regular, non-fucked-up
celebrities

started wearing a miniskirt
and no underwear.

And so I saw it one day.

I was walking into a nightclub
in Las Vegas,

and some girl was dancing

and she just went down
a little too low.

And then just--just out of
the corner of my eye,

I couldn't see it dead-on,
but just out of my periphery.

Dude, when you're not expecting
to see a vagina,

it's very unsettling.

There needs to be some sort
of warning or something.

Not like, "Oh, I'm gonna go
into this club.

"Oh, there's a vagina!

There's a vagina
right over there."

It was like a rat had
scurried by or something.

You're not supposed to see it
out of captivity like that.

Clean yourself up, vagina.

No, but hopefully before you see
their vagina

you gotta have the talk.

And I'm not saying, "I love you.
Do you love me?"

That's stupid. Nobody does that
anymore before you have sex.

Is this the '20s?
There's no way.

When I say the talk,
I mean like, "Hey,

"I had a genital wart,
like, four years ago.

What do you got?"

That's the talk.

And please don't fucking get
uncomfortable

when I bring that up.

That's not even the big one.

The big one is herpes.
Nobody gets AIDS.

But the big one is herpes,

and that's one out of four
people,

which means fucking
a quarter of you in here

have full-blown herpes.

And you're all looking all weird

because I brought up
some other shit.

Fucking, that's how
you have to talk.

You have to share.

If you get uncomfortable now,
how would you be

in an actual conversation?

One out of four people,
do you know what that means?

That means one of
the fucking Beatles had herpes.

One of The Beatles
and one of the Village People.

And the other Village People
had AIDS, I guess.

That's what one out of four
means.

That means it's pretty common.

I don't have it,
but a bunch of you do.

One out of four means
if you go to Baskin-Robbins,

seven flavors are gonna have
full-blown herpes.

Baseball Nut Crunch,

Rocky Road.

I don't know what they'd be.

No, you gotta share so you can
both make an informed decision

about whether or not you want to
go through with this or not.

Let 'em know.
Here's the deal.

There's a mathematical formula
to figure out--

You take, like,
how much am I attracted to you

times,
what have you had before

divided by,
how hard is my boner,

and you get a number.

And it's a simple over-under
from there.

That's all it is.

If you tell me you had a rash
when you were 19

and it lasted for four days
and has never come back since,

I'll be like,

"I'm gonna chance it."

"Thank you for being honest,
but yeah, let's go for it."

But if you tell me
you have AIDS,

like, a full case of AIDS,

that's a lot different.

At that point,
you have to be really hot

for me to go through with this.

Like a seven or above, not--
still gettable, you know.

Not crazy hot.

You gotta share.

Even if it's uncomfortable,

find a way to work it into
the conversation somehow.

You could be like, "Oh, it's so
cold out, you know.

"It's terrible.
You got those cold rains

"and it's, like--
just gets into your bones.

and, like--like chlamydia does
a lot, you know."

[chuckles]

I once had sex with a girl who--
I didn't catch it, thank God.

It was, like, 12 years ago.
I wore a condom.

Fuckin' flipped the coin
and I won.

It's not like I always wear 'em,
but I wore it this time

and I didn't catch it,
but she had herpes.

And she didn't tell me, though,
that she had herpes

- until after we had sex.
[audience groans]

Which--yeah, that's the wrong
time to share that information,

if you ask me.

And I should say this,
in her defense,

by "after we had sex,"
I mean, she told me, like--

like, right before we started.

There's no way I'm stopping
at that point.

She's naked right there.

I'm naked right here
with a boner,

and I'm back thrusting.

I mean, like, right before.

This is the last possible
moment, you know?

It doesn't matter what she says
at that point.

This is going to happen.

She could be like,
"I planned 9/11."

I'd be like, "Hey, look,
it's okay. I hate New Yorkers.

It's all right.
Let's do this."

She's like, "No, it's not that."

I'm like, "What?
What do you have to tell me?

You're my real father?
Fine. Let's go."

My boner's just turned over,
looking at me.

Like, "What are we waiting for?

"What's the holdup?
This is what we practiced, man.

"All those years in the sock was
for this moment.

Let's get your head
in the game."

And she goes--she goes,
"No, I have herpes."

I'm like, "Whoa, that's--that's
way worse than 9/11."

At least after 9/11
you could rebuild.

I was like, "I'll just go
really slowly, how about that?"

I didn't catch it. It worked.
I don't know.

I don't fuck really slowly.

Nor, by the way,
do I fuck like this.

I don't, like...

I don't aggressively
fucking pound it.

That would be a great way
to fuck, though.

They remember you.

Be like, "Hey, let's have sex."
Okay, line it up.

Let's get it straight.
Correct for wind.

And boom!

Just yell, "we are one,"
right when it happens, too.

We are one!

'Cause I'm superromantic.
That's how I am.

I would yell, "We are one,"

and hold it for, like,
three seconds,

and then just pull out
and walk away.

One of those. I'd give her
one of these as I go.

I'd go...

'Cause girls need--
You know, they get like,

you know, weird after sex.

You have to tell 'em
they're doing a good job.

It really has not gotten easier.

It really hasn't.
And then even when

you find somebody you like
and get married--

I'm sure some of you
are married in here--

it's still fucking hard.

My friend, John, he's been
married for five years.

He loves his wife.
Let me just start with that.

He's totally in love with her.

I saw him do this once
where he cracked open a beer

and held it out for his wife,
and she didn't see it.

Her back was turned.

For three seconds
she didn't see it.

I want you see how long
it looks like.

It looks like this.

That's it.

And she didn't see,
so he goes,

"I'm holding a fucking beer!"

And she's like,
"Well, I didn't see you."

"Well, I'm holding it,
like an asshole!"

And that's a level
you're hoping to achieve.

Like, that's what you want to
get in your relationships.

I think I know why.

I think I know why every
married friend I know fights

just like all our parents did,
because they make

this huge mistake that
every married couple makes.

They decided to live together.

I know it seems stupid,
but it's a horrible idea.

Don't make a roommate
out of somebody you love.

Those are horrible people.

It never is gonna work.
Here's why. Here's why.

When you live with somebody,

you're wrong half the time.

Half of any situation
that comes up

you're gonna be wrong.

I live alone.

I've never been wrong before.

It's never ever happened.

Here's--For example, one time
I was eating Chinese food

in my apartment.

I was naked
and I was eating Chinese food.

It was, like, 2:00 p.m.
I wasn't ready to start yet.

And I'm eating this Chinese
food. I'm talking on the phone.

And as I'm talking,
the chopsticks crossed over

and a piece of
General Tso's Chicken fell,

like, over the bowl
and onto the floor.

I tried to catch it while it was
falling out of the air

with the chopsticks,

but as soon as I tried,
I was like, "Are you crazy?

"Did you really think you had
any shot in the world at that?

"Miyagi tried for half a century
and never got it.

Your first try, a target moving
away from you, really?"

The hubris involved
to think I had any chance.

Here's how close I got to
catching the chicken

out of the air with chopsticks.

I hit it with my wrist

and I forced it down faster.

That's how close I was.

As soon as I tried,
I was like...

So I was like,
"I gotta get that chicken."

But I was on the phone,
so I was like,

"I'll get it
when I get off the phone."

But then I talked for, like,
another 30 minutes

and then I got call-waiting
and that call lasted

45 more minutes.

And then I got late
and I had to leave.

So I quickly put some clothes
on, then I left,

and I came back,
like, 10, 11 hours later,

and I'm running to the bathroom.

'Cause you know, as soon as you
touch your keys to go inside,

like, you have to pee like
you're never had to pee before

in your life.
What is that?

You're like, "Oh, I'll be in
in one second."

Nope, I need five seconds."

It just makes it way harder
to go in now.

Fucking idiot, bladder,
you can't wait ten seconds?

So I get it open, I'm running
to go to the bathroom,

and I saw the piece of chicken.

It was, like, still
on the floor there.

And I was like, "Ah, crap,
I gotta get that.

It's been there all day.
That's really disgusting."

But then I went to the bathroom.

I got sidetracked and I started
the vaporizer up.

And then I smoked some pot,

and then I ate a shitload
of Gummi Bears,

like, a totally unhealthy amount
of Gummi Bears that I ate.

And then--and then I got tired

from eating all those
Gummi Bears, you know?

'Cause the texture after a
while, it really wears you out.

And so I went to sleep.

I was like, "Fuck it, let's call
it a day," and I went to sleep.

And then I woke up
in the middle of the night,

like, 4:00 or 5:00 a.m.
to go to the bathroom,

and I was walking
to the bathroom

trying to keep my eyes closed
so I wouldn't wake up.

And as I'm walking,
I stepped right in the chicken.

And at first, I didn't even know
what it was

'cause it had been so long.

I thought I just killed
a cockroach with my bare foot.

That'll wake you up, by the way.

"[groans]

Oh, I just killed a cockroach!
That's disgusting."

I was like, "Oh, it's that
chicken. That's right."

It's been there for, like,
a day and a half.

It's really disgusting.

So I got a paper towel
and I wiped it off my foot,

and then I wiped the rest
off the floor.

And--and that's it.
I was not wrong.

[cheers and applause]

It was just some stuff that
happened one day.

That's all it was.

But now, try telling
that same story.

Try telling
that same exact story

and change one detail.

Add a wife to the story.

See how far you get
in that same story.

See if you get all the way to
the end

where you get to smoke pot
and eat Gummi Bears

and go to sleep

while chicken is
lying on the floor.

See if you get that far.
You won't.

First of all,
you're not going out

with chicken lying on the floor.

First of all, you're not eating
naked in your own Goddamn house!

Like a man!

You gotta put clothes on,
like a chump.

Here's how far you'll get in
the story. I'll just tell you.

Nowhere, that's how far.

This is what'll happen.
You'll drop the chicken.

You'll make the mental decision
to not immediately pick it up,

and you'll start to walk away.

But you won't even get that far.

Here's how far you'll get.

Drop, decision, here.

That's it. That whole story,
this is how far you get.

Until you hear this voice going,
"What the fuck

"do you think you're doing?

"Are you really about to leave
chicken on the floor,

"you fucking dipshit?

"What the fuck is wrong
with you?

"Are we animals?
Do we live in a fucking barn?

"You fucking monster.
Pick up the Goddamn chicken.

You 6 years old? What the fuck
is wrong with you?"

And you have to be like, "No,
I'm sorry. I'm not 6 years old.

"We don't live in a barn.

"I apologize for leaving
the chicken on the floor.

"I should not have left it
on the floor.

"That was a mistake on my part.

"I should have picked it up
right away,

"and I was wrong to leave it
on the floor.

"I apologize, first of all,
for putting you in the position

"of having to yell at me,

"and second of all,
I've disrespected

"this household,
which I shouldn't have done.

"I should have picked it up
right away.

"In fact, that's what I'll do
now. I'll just do that now.

"I'll pick it up.

"This is what I should have done
in the beginning,

"and I'm sorry I didn't,
but I've learned.

"I've become a better man for
what you've done here.

Thank you for teaching me
how to be better as a person."

And you'd be wrong.
You'd be wrong.

And it sucks to be wrong.

Nobody ever likes being wrong,
ever.

I'm a pretty open guy, and I've
never once said to somebody,

"Hey, thanks for correcting me
to my face."

It always feels shitty.

And it's not like you're wrong
every other time.

You just have random,
like, layouts.

So sometimes you'll be wrong
10, 11 times in a row.

Where now, you can both feel it.

You got a streak going.

You know that moment
where you're, like--

You always sense it. Like,
you wake up in the morning,

you're just like,
"Oh, that was a good--Oh, fuck."

It just dawns on you, like,
"I've been wrong a lot lately."

"This doesn't feel very good."

Like, "I wonder if she notices.

"She probably--I'm not even
gonna wake her up.

"I'm not even gonna let
her deal with it.

I'll just get out of bed
and not even deal"--

And then you look over,
she's not even there.

And you're like, "Oh, no."

And she's awake just going,
"Well, la-di-da.

"Well, well, well.
Rise and shine, Mr. Wrong.

"That's what my mom calls you.

"That's what we both call you
behind your back,

because you're wrong so much."

You cough, she's like,
"What? What'd you say?

Something else wrong,
I presume."

And it just fucking sucks,
and you hate it.

And all you wanna do in life
at that moment

is just break that streak.

It's like all you can do with
everything--

Every fiber of your being
just wants to break that streak.

And then one day
you crack open a beer,

and you hold it out for her,

and she doesn't see it
right away,

and you're just overcome
with joy.

You're like, "Three, two, one.

I'm holding your fucking beer!"

[cheers and applause]

And all your friends are like,

"What are you guys
really fighting about?"

Don't live together.

It's just horrible.
And don't have children either.

Who's having kids?
Stop having kids.

They're really annoying.

They're horrible.
I'm sure if you have kids,

your kids are the ones
that are not annoying,

but the rest of them.

Nobody ever sat down on a plane
next to a 4 year old

and went, "Oh, good for me.

This'll be a really pleasant
experience."

No, we all hate kids.
They're horrible.

You know who does not get lice?
Adults.

Kids are awful.

[chuckles]

My friends, Steve and Tracy,
have this kid

and he's, like, 2 or 0 or 7
or something.

I don't know.
He's undeveloped.

And we were all at a Super Bowl
party at their house,

and this kid tried some food
he didn't like.

He's, like, 3 years old, and
when they try food at that age

and they don't like it,
they don't handle it very well.

It's not like you or me.

If you or me, like,
tried some food, I'd be like,

"Hmm, wait.
Is that cheesecake?

"It is, right?
Yeah, I don't like cheesecake.

"Yeah, I know.

"I know. I know.
And I'm a sweets guy.

"So you'd totally think
I like cheesecake.

"I totally get where
you're coming from.

"But nonetheless,
I don't like cheesecake,

so you can polish that off
if you like."

At 3, it's not that pleasant
an experience.

At 3, they just start, like,
convulsing.

Their body's rejecting
this outside pathogen.

"Aah, aah, aah,

"I don't like it.
I don't like it!

"Ugh, Mom. Mom! Mom!

"Mom, I don't like it!
Aah!

Aah, aah!"

And I don't blame 'em.

At 3 years old, you've had,
like, 8 real meals

in your whole life.

It was breast milk
for 2 1/2 years

and then you start with food,
and the first six meals

were fucking good.

And this last one is,
"Oh, this is disgusting!"

Like, he just learned
that food could be bad.

His understanding of the world
has been lessened

by what's currently
in his mouth, you know?

He's got nothing
to compare it to.

Me, it's like, "Cheesecake, I've
had it before. Don't like it."

Him, it's like,
oh, hatred exists.

[laughter and applause]

"Aah! Aah! Aah!

I don't like it!
I don't like it!"

And so the mother, she's going
on with her conversation

like nothing's happening.

And I'm like, "I'm sorry.
Are you gonna get that thing?"

Like, "I don't wanna tell you
how to raise your kid,

"but I think it's dying.
I'm pretty positive.

"I don't know, but if my dog
started acting like that,

I would take him to the vet
immediately."

So this grown woman,
in front of all her friends,

had to stand up
and put her hand out

and walk over to this kid

like she was some sort of
Egyptian slave.

And the kid,
not even a moment of, like,

"Are you sure you want me to do
this in front of your friends?"

No moment of respect, just takes
her hand, just goes...

[spits]

And looks at her angry
like it's her fault.

[spits]

"This is what you get, peasant."

[spits]

"Yuck, get it all."

And then he finishes,
and then he just goes like...

He just dismisses her,
and she has to take it

and fucking, I don't know, put
it in her pocket or something.

I don't know.
I stopped looking at her

when I lost all fucking respect
for her.

That kid just took a dump
in your face.

And they all act like
it's nothing.

They're like, "It's such
a blessing to have a child."

Fuck you!

Then why do you look tired
all the time?

They're horrible.

They all say that, too, like,
"Ari, you should have a baby.

"It's such a--it's such
a wonderful blessing.

You should really do it,
you'd be"--

And this is what they say, too,
"You'd be such a good father.

You'd be such a wonderful
father."

I'm like,
"Where are you getting that?

"Have you been to my apartment?
I don't live very well.

A child would just perish
in that environment."

I change my sheets
every 5 1/2 months.

And the reality is,

it's actually way less often
than that.

But 5 1/2 months is the most
a crowd can accept.

So I just lower the number
just so you get the point.

Raise a child.

My kid would be next to me like,
"Daddy, I'm hungry."

I'd be like, "Well, we're both
too stoned to get off the couch,

"so...

"I don't know what to tell you.

"Mommy should have bought
Gummi Bears, but she didn't.

She left us here like this."

Raise a child.

I can't raise a pot plant,
and I like pot.

What chance do I have
with a kid?

They fucking move!
They move around.

They'd be like,
"Where's your kid?"

I'd be like, "He is right--
Nope. I don't know.

"He was over there
at some point.

"Man, I got no idea
where he is now.

"If you're looking for him,

"look everywhere
in the whole world.

"But not right over there.

'Cause we can rule that out."

It is not a blessing.

Here's what I'll compare
parenthood to.

I'll compare it to, like,
20 years

of a heavy heroin addiction.

Where it's like,
look, I've never been there.

I'm sure there's moments of joy
that I could never understand.

But you have aged horribly.

This kid--this kid on a plane.

I was on a plane from
Indianapolis,

and this kid is, like,
2 years old or something.

He started fucking--

He started touching my face.

Just some kid, not my kid.

He's just going like--
It was so fucking--

Whatever.
I don't wanna talk about it.

It's--it makes me so mad.

Like, I clearly
don't wanna talk.

I'm leaned up
against the window--

Whatever, all right.
I'm not gonna talk about it.

[laughs]

Yeah, do you guys do drugs
at all, by the way?

[cheers and applause]

Of course you do.

I'm a fan of drugs.

There's a lot of drug addicts
that are, like, snobs about it.

And by the way,
we're all addicts.

If you take it a lot,
you're a fucking addict. Relax.

There's a lot of people who,
like, think their drug

is better than
everybody else's drug.

I don't like that.
We should team up together.

Let's not be Africans selling
each other into slavery.

Let's fucking work together to
drive out the white man.

[scattered applause]

[whistles]

Alcoholics are the worst about
judging other people,

by the way.

They're like,
"Oh, you do drugs."

I'm like, "Please, your drug
got legal. You got lucky.

"You're not better than us.

You should kind of commiserate
with our feelings."

I don't care whether--
whether it's, like, meth

or heroin or weed
or coke or anything,

in the privacy of your own home,

I feel like you should be
allowed to do it.

And by the way,
I should say this.

If it's coke,
please just do it at home,

'cause you're really annoying.

You're really, really annoying.

All my cokehead friends, like,
"Can I tell you a story?

"Like right here,
like nine times in an hour.

And I'll scare everybody.
Won't that be fun?"

No, it's not a social drug.

Stay home.

I like pot.
I'm a pothead.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, as are a lot of you,
right?

People tell me you get
in trouble here in New York.

And I was like,
"Really? That seems stupid."

It's just a little weed.

I never, like,
had to go to a dealer.

I started smoking pot in, like,
the legal-ish system

of California.

You know, where you just go
to a doctor.

You know the deal.
You've all heard of it.

It's so fucking stupid
and crooked.

You just make up any disease
that's ever existed.

If you can think of any disease
that's ever existed,

you are sick enough to get your
medical marijuana prescription.

You'd be like, "Oh, I just feel
really polio-ish today."

Light it up!

It's so stupid.

And you have to renew
your persip-scription,

or whatever it's called,
prescription,

you have to renew it every year.

Prescription--whatever.
Every year you gotta renew.

As if they're gonna find
a cure someday.

Like, "Yay! Maybe."

Hopefully scientists are working
around the clock

to get me better.

It's so stupid.
This year, I didn't even do it.

The first year
I got really into it,

I was worried that he wasn't
gonna give me my license.

So he was like,
"What are your symptoms?"

I was like, "Oh, I had knee
surgery a few years ago,

"and that still causes me pain
once in a while,

"and I suffer from
sleeplessness,

and I occasionally
have had depression."

And the doctor's like,
"Easy, easy,

you're gonna lose your voice."

"You had me at,
'Here's 40 bucks.'"

You're sick enough.

You got 40 bucks.
You got a problem.

So this year, I'm like,
"I'm not doing this.

"I'm a grown man. Why am I lying
to another grown man?

This is stupid."

So I went in there, and they
give you all these forms

to fill out.

They're trying to be like
real doctors.

They ask you for, like,
family medical history,

stuff like that.

I left everything blank.

I just wrote down in one box,

"I like to get high, bro."

That's it.

Capital "B,"
capital "R," capital "O."

And I gave it back to them,

and they put you in
this waiting room.

You have to sit there for, like,
ten minutes in this office.

And then this doctor comes out.

I guess he's a doctor.
He's got a lab coat.

He's got--he's got a lab coat
and a dusty stethoscope.

And he comes in, and he goes,
"So..."

And he looks over the forms.
He gets to that part.

I can tell,
he, like, rolls his eyes.

And he's like,
"All right, so, you know,

what are your symptoms?"

I'm like, "What symptoms
are you talking about, dude?

"I'm fucking fine.
I like to get ripped.

"I think you can figure out
the situation.

"You're a smart guy.
You went to medical school.

"I think you can decode
the fucking ruse we're playing

"that me and the eight
college kids outside

didn't just catch the plague
all of a sudden."

And he goes, "I'm gonna
write down anxiety."

[laughter and applause]

That's right.

He's fine.

I think it makes people closer
together, pot, I really do.

'Cause the first time I was
leaving a dispensary,

just it's sort of
a social thing.

It's weird, though.
Sometimes people are like,

"Hey, you smoking pot?
Can I get in there with you?"

"Ew, who are you?
No."

But the first time I was leaving
one of those dispensaries,

a pot store, I remember leaving
and rounding the corner--

as I was rounding the corner,

this black guy was
rounding the corner coming in.

He was, like, this
thuggish-looking black guy.

And normally, we'd have nothing
to talk about.

It's not even a racial thing.

It's just we have no
jumping-off ground at all.

He was wearing a throwback
jersey from--

I don't even know
what sport it was.

And I was wearing a cardigan.

You know what I mean?

The odds of us becoming besties
is very low.

But I realized where I was
coming from, that pot store,

and he was going to
that same pot store,

and as I passed,
I looked him square in the eye

and I just go,
"Fuck yeah, weed."

And we high-fived right there
on the sidewalk.

Yeah.

I walked away thinking, this is
a really beautiful thing

that brings people together
like this.

And he walked away thinking,
I'm about to turn around

and mug this Jew.

He stole my pot.
He stole my pot.

Don't trust strangers.

I had a lady boo me
for pot once.

She booed me.

Not--I'm sorry, it wasn't when
I was onstage.

I was out.
It was in the world.

That's why I'm so upset.

I was just, like, walking,

and I mentioned marijuana
on the phone, and she walks by.

She goes, "Boo!"

You can't boo me here.

I'm a human being here.

I have feelings here.

I was like,
"What's your problem?"

She's like, "I don't like pot."
I'm like, "Yeah, I know that.

When you yelled 'boo'
in my face, I could tell."

I was like,
"What don't you like about it?"

And she goes, "First
and foremost, it's a gateway.

End of story."

I was like, "No, no, you can't
'first and foremost'

and 'end of story'
in the same sentence."

Absolutely not.
Absolutely not.

Second of all,
so it's a gateway, so what.

Gateways aren't bad.

Gateways are good things.

Fucking Narnia had a gateway.

That's wonderful.

I don't care what your drug is,
just do it.

My friend Patrick's
a pill popper.

He loves pills.

He loves 'em.

Like, if you're Christian,
however much you love Jesus,

he's right there with you
on pills.

You give him any pill,
you just reach in your pocket

and go like that,
he'll just go...

"What was that?

"What are we doing?
We going up? We going down?

What's the situation?"

Patrick doesn't give a fuck.
He's ready.

He's buckled up and ready for
the ride every single time.

He just wants to know if
he needs vodka or water tonight.

That's his only question.

He's like, "Estrogen?
Heard of it. Let's go."

He just had a kid, that guy.

Yeah.
He's 20.

He's a 20-year-old pill popper
with no job

and he got his girlfriend
of two months pregnant.

Yeah, she was 19,
also no job.

And I don't know how she felt
about pills.

I know one pill
she did not like.

[laughter and applause]

But I don't know about
the rest of the pills.

And he called me to tell me
that he got her pregnant.

I'm like,
"Why are you calling me?

Do you need a ride to the
abortion clinic, or like"...

And I'm like, "What happened?"

He goes, "Oh, we just got
unlucky, I guess."

"What is that,
did a condom break?

What does that mean?"

He goes, "Oh, no, I just blasted
away inside of her

every single time."

It's crazy how unlucky you got,
dude.

You got crazy unlucky.

So I'm like,
"What are you gonna do?"

And he goes--he goes,
"We're gonna have it."

I'm like, "What the fuck
are you talking about?

"You can't have a baby!

"You're a 20-year-old
pill popper with no job.

"If you've ever believed
in a woman's right to choose,

this is the time to choose."

I'm pro-choice.
I don't know if you guys are,

but I'm pro-choice.

As long as the choice is to get
rid of that little monster

as soon as possible.

Here's why--
I'll tell you why I believe

abortion should be legal.

It's because I was raised
Orthodox Jewish,

and in the Old Testament,
in the Talmud,

there's a passage
that says this.

It says if someone is coming to
steal from you,

you're allowed to defend
yourself

up to and including
the point of killing them

in order to defend your money.

[cheers and applause]

Right?
Abortion, that's the same thing.

It costs a lot of money
to feed a kid.

So he's gonna steal that
from you.

So kill it.
Jewish Jesus commands you--

commands you to kill it.

I think I'm interpreting that
right. I don't know.

And I'm like, "So why are you
gonna have it?"

This is about--this is about
a year and a half ago

is when he called me.

I'm like,
"Why are you gonna have it?"

The due date was--is actually
today, December 28th.

He goes, "Due date is on
December 28th.

"So we didn't want to have it,

but we felt like that would be
a Christmas present to us."

Like it was a sign.

And I was like, "Okay, first of
all, the 28th is not the 25th.

You can't just be like,
"God is trying to show us.

Uh, close enough."
It's not fucking--

He would have gotten it right.
He has that capability.

Second of all, what kind of
present would that be?

That's a horrible present
for you.

Unless it's a stillborn,

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

[applause]

He's 20!

That would be the best-case
scenario for that guy.

If that was me in his shoes
and it came out stillborn,

I'd be like, "Oh, no!

Well..."

"I feel like I should take
this opportunity

"to break up.

You make terrible decisions."

Just get out of there.

Who's having kids?
They're awful!

All my friends are having kids
and buying homes.

They're all buying houses.

And they always look down on us
like they're better than us

'cause we have apartments.

Which you are,
let's be honest.

They're always like, "Dude,
how do you live with no equity?"

They don't care.
"How do you stay alive?

"You have no equity
in your life,

and yet, you manage to stay
alive. I don't get it."

I'm like, "First of all--
first of all,

I don't know
what that word means."

Second of all,
I never miss equity.

I don't walk around
like a vampire in the sun,

just going like,
"Equity! Equity!"

Or like a fat black man
without his insulin.

He's like, "Equity!"

No--Oh, it's not racist.
Stop it!

That is not racist.

Black people are way more
susceptible to diabetes.

That's just a medical fact.

If you show me six fat black men
over the age of 50,

I will show you
five diabetes patients.

And it's not racist.

Now, if I said,
"Hey, hide your wallets.

There's diabetes patients
around here,"

that would be racist.

[chuckles]

I can't believe this kid fucking
touched me in the face.

That's so Goddamn rude.

He was just like this,
like...

I have my--When I sleep,
I have, like, a mask on,

like I'm an old, like,
movie starlet from the '40s.

I have a neck pillow. I'm
leaned up against the window.

I clearly don't want
to make friends.

I definitely don't want
a fucking kid touching me.

So I had to turn to the mother--

I'm so fucking mad about this,
right?

I had to turn to the mom,
like, "Excuse me.

Get your kid's hand
out of my Goddamn face."

Now, obviously,
I didn't say that.

What I did is I picked up
my mask and I went...

I'm not gonna say anything
to a stranger.

What? Am I a sociopath?

Fuck no.

But I'll passive-aggressive
the fuck out of you.

Want some more of this?

So this mom, she put the baby
on the other lap.

She goes, "Oh, babies, you know.
What can you do?"

I'm like,
"What have you tried to do?

"Tie his hands behind his back.
There's so much.

You haven't even started."

Idiot fucking baby touching me
with his gross hands.

And then she moved to the other
lap and I went to sleep.

And then--I was sleeping and
dreaming for, like, 30 minutes,

and then I woke up
just to the most horrifying--

I just--I was sleeping
and then I just felt, like...

a hand just exploring
the insides of my mouth.

In my mouth!

I can just taste, like,
Oreo cookie

and dirt and boogers.

I'm going, "What is happening?"

This kid started fishhooking me.

That's not legal in wrestling!

This is real life!

So I turn, I was like,
"What the fuck, man?"

And then I realized that that--
She got mad at me immediately.

She was like, "Excuse me. Don't
talk to my child that way."

I'm like, "No, no, no. You had
your chance to get involved,

"and you did nothing.

And then your vaginal discharge
went in my mouth."

[laughter and applause]

It's disgusting!

All right, I'll tell one more
story, and then we'll leave.

- Two.
- Don't pull out--

Two?
It's not a negotiation.

And if it was a negotiation,
you're negotiating with a Jew.

You just picked the wrong guy.

We're like, "You don't have
the capabilities

to hang with us in this."

- One and a half.
- One and a half? All right.

No, but good one.
I like the technique.

All right, I'll tell you half.
Good one. Not bad.

Here's a half story. It's not
a story, it's just a joke.

I, like many of you,
practice birth control.

And many of our
birth control methods

is pulling out.

The safest and most consistent
and longest-lasting method

of birth control
in human history.

We all should use condoms,
but there's all been points

where you're like,
"Eh, I got this one."

But let me just tell you this.

Pulling out is a two-way street.

It's not like the pill
where it's all for you

to take control of.

Pulling out, we both need to
have some responsibility here.

'Cause it takes us to say, "Hey,
I'm about to come right now.

I gotta pull out."

And it takes you not to say,
"Oh, no, no, wait.

"Just one more second.

"Just a little bit more.

"Please, one more second.

Not yet, just a little more.
Just one more second."

This--More seconds?

What?

What are you talking about?

More seconds, what a--

What a crazy cartoon life
you live in.

Look, I led with my best offer,
okay?

If there are more seconds,
I guarantee you

we wouldn't be talking
right now.

I'd still be choking you.

[laughter and applause]

More seconds.
Wouldn't that be nice?

No, we get, like--When you got,
like, five seconds left,

we get like, "Hey"--Like,
there's a voice on our shoulder

goes, "Hey, you got, like,
five seconds left.

You gotta pull out."

But then another voice on your
other shoulder goes,

"Uh, listen to yourself.

"You still have five seconds.

"This is the best part.
Don't waste it.

"This is the center
of the watermelon right now.

Enjoy yourself."

So you're like, "Okay."

So you wait till like,
"Two, one.

"There we go!
There we go.

"I don't know about that.

"I really don't know.
It was right on the line.

It was right on the line.
I'm not really sure."

[laughs]

All right, now I'll tell you
that story.

I got a phone call one day--

Are you guys having a good time?
Enjoying yourselves?

[cheers and applause]

Thank you guys for coming today.
I really appreciate it.

All right, I got a phone call
one day from my friend, Bobby.

You guys know who Bobby Lee is?

- Yes.
- He was on MADtv.

He was the short, fat Korean guy
from MADtv.

He's a friend of mine.
LA fat, maybe not here.

But I got a phone call one day.

I woke up at, like, 11:00 a.m.

and this message was from, like,
3:45 in the morning,

and this is how
the message went.

It goes like this,
"Ari, I know this was you.

"One, this is just your style.

Two, I can see
the pieces of pastrami."

He goes, "I don't wanna deal
with this now.

I'll deal with it tomorrow,
and when I do--"

And then right then,
he just starts screaming

for about 15 seconds
and then the phone went dead.

And that was--
that was the message.

I woke up--Let me back up
a little bit, actually.

Here's what happened.

I hang out in LA at a place
called The Comedy Store.

And if you--Have you been there?

- Whoo!
- It's the--

It's the coolest place
in the world.

It's like a clubhouse
for comedians.

We all perform there,
but the shows go from 9:00 p.m.

to 2:00 a.m.
It's just a great place.

We all do drugs there.
We park back there.

It's our place, and we have
a group of friends there.

And in every group of friends
there is one friend,

especially among men,

who likes to do
ironically gay shit.

You know, they're not gay, but
they find gay extra hilarious.

So you go give 'em a high five,
and they'll fake the high five

and then tickle your balls
or something, you know.

You're like, "Okay. All right.
Okay. All right, I get it.

Stop it. Stop.
I get it. Enough."

So my friend that likes to do
that is Bobby Lee.

He loves doing that shit.
He loves it.

He'll lull you into
a false sense of security.

He did this move to me once.

He goes, "Ari, you're
a good friend of mine, man."

And you're like,
"Oh, thanks, Bobby.

He goes, "No, dude,
it's been, like, years.

You've been a legitimate
good part of my life."

I'm like, "Thanks, man.

He goes,
"No, come give me a hug."

So you go to give him a hug
and then he, like, latches on

and he starts...

He just starts slide humping,

Not even the regular hump,
the slide hump.

Which is way worse,
'cause you can feel the contour

against your leg.

You know, where the shaft ends
and the ball begins

when you get the slide hump.

It's really gross.
You're like, "Aah, get off me!

This is so creepy!
Stop it!"

It's funny when it happens
to other people,

but that's it.

And we have this other friend
named Jim Painter,

and Jim is super homophobic.

Like, he won't stand for
any of that shit.

He's got a weird Christian
streak in him.

It's just fucking strange.

So he will run away from Bobby,
like, literally run away.

But they are both equally slow
and out of shape,

so Bobby would chase after him,
trying to give him a hug,

but they would--
they couldn't lose

or gain ground on each other.

They had, like, 14 seconds of
sprint in them

and then, like, a week of rest.
That's all they had.

So Bobby can never catch Jim.

So he goes to me one day,
he goes, "Ari, I wanna--

I wanna hug Jim. Like, how--
how do I get him to hug me?"

I go, "I don't know,
threaten something."

He's like, "What?"

I'm like, "Well, his car's
right there in the parking lot.

Go threaten to do something
to his car."

So Bobby's like, "Okay."

So he goes over to Jim's car
and he goes,

"Hey, Jim, you either
give me a hug right now

or I'm going to piss
on your car."

And then to show him
he meant business,

he took his dick out
and he pointed it like...

Like, hostage style at the car.

Don't make a move.

And so Jim goes, "Bobby,
I wasn't gonna give you a hug

"before you had your dick out.

"The odds have gone down.

Not up or even,
they've gone way down."

So Bobby turns to me, he goes,
"What should I do now, Ari?"

I'm like, "I know what you
should not do

and that's fail to
follow through on a threat."

I'm an instigator.
I like instigating.

So Bobby goes, "All right."

So he just starts peeing
all over Jim's bumper.

And Jim is upset,
as any of you would be

if somebody started peeing
on your car.

That's not a cool moment.

He got really mad,
and Bobby saw.

He was like, "Okay." He could
clearly see he went too far.

So to make it up to him,
he was like, "Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll take you out to eat."

So he took--took Jim and me
and this guy named Aron Kader,

this Palestinian comic--

That's got nothing to do
with the story.

But as a Jew, I just want
you guys to know

that he'll get his.

So, um...

So--happy ending.

So he--he took us all out to eat
at Jerry's Deli,

this late-night deli.

And by the way, Bobby was the
only one working at the time.

He was making, like,
5 or 10 grand a week on MADtv.

And we were all living off,
like, 8 grand a year

trying to get by.

If you have any poor friends,
just buy 'em a sandwich

once in a while.
It'll change their lives.

So he took us all out to eat.
Those two guys got omelets.

I got this pastrami sandwich,
this massive pastrami sandwich.

You know--Why do they make them
that high?

I don't get--
My dad always taught me,

he goes, "Dude, if you get"--
He didn't say dude, but...

If you get one of those,

get a couple extra slices
of rye bread,

peel half of that off,
make a new sandwich.

Now they're paying you to eat.

So, uh...

So I did that.
I ate both the sandwiches.

It was so fucking good.
We were so poor.

So then we leave.

We start to leave,
and we're all standing outside,

and Bobby runs out
in between us,

runs across the street,
goes over to Jim's car,

and we're just frozen there.

And he goes, "Hey, Jim,
how about that hug now?"

And he starts peeing
all over Jim's door.

Then he jumps into his own car
and drives off,

giving the finger.

And Jim is just shaking
with rage now.

He's, like--like, convulsing
like that little kid did,

like this,
and I'm convulsing, too,

but like, to try not to laugh at
how fucking hilarious that was

and how much game Bobby got
out of nowhere.

Like, the piss was good, but
the pullback with the apology

and then re-piss,
fuck yeah, man.

The master has become
the student.

And so Jim's like,
"I'm so fucking mad."

And so I said,
as a joke really--

But you ever make a joke
to one of your friends

but they just take it, like,
100% seriously?

So I just, as a joke,
I just said,

"Well, you could always
take a dump on his car."

As a joke, I'm telling you.

But Jim just goes,
"Ha ha ha--Yeah."

All right, dude, that's cool.

So--so the next night,
the very next night,

we're all hanging out
at The Comedy Store.

Jim is there. Bobby's there.
Aron Kader's there.

And Jim and Bobby are like--

Well, Jim is really just
mean-mugging Bobby.

He's making it
really uncomfortable.

He's still really mad.

And so Bobby saw that, so he's
like, "I'm uncomfortable."

So he took Aron Kader,
they went down the street

to The Standard Hotel and Bar
just to hang out and have fun.

And Jim's there, and soon
everyone starts leaving.

And as Jim started leaving, it
was, like, 1:30 in the morning,

the place is emptying out.

There's, like, five cars left
in the parking lot.

I notice one of them, one
of the cars was Bobby Lee's car.

So I stepped in front
of Jim's car,

like, stopping him from leaving,

like I was that kid
from Tiananmen Square.

That's who I wanna be
in my story, so I'm--That's me.

And I'm like, "Stop."
He goes, "What?"

I'm like, "Look whose car
is right over there."

And he tries to get out of it.

He's like, "Dude, I just took
a dump, like, an hour ago.

"There's no way I can get--

There's no way I can do this
right now."

I go, "Hey, hey, hey.

A friend in need,
that's a friend indeed."

I still haven't gone
from yesterday.

I've been holding it in for,
like, the last three hours.

You know that moment
where you're like,

"Oh, I'll wait until I use
my own toilet at home."

So it's been building up,
but for a good cause like this,

absolutely,
I'll give to charity.

So I went--We took
a plastic shopping bag

and we put it in the toilet.

Rested the handles over the lid,
and I just leaned over

and I just unloaded
this gargantuan dump.

It was so--
I take big dumps.

I'm not bragging, but I'm--Three
days a week I clog a toilet.

That's normal for me.

And this was big for me.
It was just this--

It was, like, 7 liters
of just shit.

How much is that?

Yeah, it's like three
of those big Cokes--

The can Cokes or whatever,
the jars.

Like, that's about
how much it is.

I don't--I'm eyeballing it.

I have no idea
exactly how much it was.

It was a shitload,
that's how much it was.

It was one shitload.

And--and then we
picked the bag--

I picked the bag up from the--
And I let the water drip off.

And then I handed to Jim
this bag 'o shit.

Jim took this bag of shit,

went over to Bobby's car--

Bobby had one of those
door handles where you can go

from the top or the bottom.

You can, like, see
straight through it.

So Jim--Do I have anything
to do this with?

Jim, he took the top of a box

and he used it like a spackle,

and he went in there,

and he just--
Right into the door handle,

he just slapped it in

and then slapped more
and scraped it off.

And he kept picking up more
and slapping,

over and over again.

So I was like, "Dude, I think
it's stuffed enough."

And he goes, "I'll tell you when
it's stuffed enough!"

"Do it, man. It's your world.
Whatever you're gonna do."

And he would just
stuff it in there

and then wipe off the front.
That's what I'll never forget.

The care he took to make sure
the front was clean.

It was like watching
Ace of Cakes, really.

Just like this.
Artistic.

Then he finishes
and he stands up,

and he looks like a man content,

like someone who just built
a deck or something, you know?

But then he gets this idea.
It's like,

"Oh, do you think I should get
the passenger's side, too?"

And I was like, "Dude, he might
bring a girl home with him.

"Absolutely.

"Absolutely get
the passenger's side, too.

"Why would you be wasting time
right now?

Better safe than sorry.
Go ahead."

So he goes over
to the passenger's side,

and before he starts
I got the best idea

I've ever had in my life.

I go, "Stop, stop, stop, wait."

And I open up the door
and I leaned over,

I turned the windshield wipers
on high.

Not the motor,
just the windshield wipers.

And then we closed the door,
and then he fuckin' re-spackled

and stuffed in it--
Oreo Double Stuffed it.

Really got it in there.

And always wiped it off.
I'll never fucking forget that.

It'll haunt me until I'm dead,
the way he would carefully,

like...

So we did that, then he took
the rest of the bag,

maybe 75, 80% of it,

and he dumped that right into
the windshield wipers

and packed it in.

So it was, like, that high,
like, all the way across

the windshield.

And thick, too,
like half an apple.

That's how thick it was.

So we ran around for,
like, ten more minutes.

Bobby didn't come back, so I go,
"All right, see you tomorrow."

Bobby came back at about
2:45 in the morning

with that guy Aron Kader.

He was gonna give him a ride.

And Aron, the Palestinian,
touched his side first,

and he goes, "Ew!"

And he said Bobby laughed at him
first.

He goes,
"Ha ha, ew, what? Ew!

Ew!"

It was like a double ew.
The first ew was like,

"Oh, what is that,
condensation on my car?"

That sure is gross.
Nothing worse than that.

I haven't washed my car
in a week.

And it got mixed with water,
and now I have that on my hand.

That's the worst possible
scenario.

No, it's shit.

It's human feces, I think.
I have no idea.

Just someone's shit,
just some unknown person shit

just covering their hands,

like they were about to draw
a Thanksgiving turkey.

With nowhere to go
to wipe it off, by the way.

The Comedy Store is closed
so there's no running water.

So you're trying to, like,
wipe it off on the cement.

That's not the ideal way to get
shit off your hands.

If you're anything like me,
have you ever been wiping

and you know how--you don't--
you don't, like,

break all the way through
the toilet paper,

but you just, like--
you breach it.

So your finger doesn't even
come through,

but it just goes to the edge
and just sort of explores.

It's like Jack Nicholson
in The Shining.

And so you don't even get
any shit on your fingers.

It's all clean, but like,
there's a hint of it.

That little--I don't know what
you guys do in that situation,

but what I do is I then scrub
the fuck out of that finger.

I don't normally go soap.

I'll go soap and water
and soap and water.

And then I'll dry
and I'll repeat it,

like, three times
just to get that off.

And still, even then,
like, 30 minutes later,

I'm always like...

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

I can still smell it, bro.

Now, imagine a handful
just covering your hand

of someone else's shit,
some unknown person's shit.

There's a lot of levels of when
you have shit on your hands.

There's, like, different types.

The best level, like,
the top level of the ladder,

that would be when you have
no shit on your hands.

That's the best level.

You wanna be on that level
almost all the time.

Then the next level down

is when you have some of
your own shit on your hands.

That's bad, yeah, sure.

But we've all been there before,

and we'll all be there again.

Let's not judge anybody.

Then we take
a really big step down,

and it's when you have someone
else's shit on your hands.

It may be somebody you know,
maybe.

Like, the two of you. You guys
are sitting next together

for, like,
the last hour and a half.

You don't know each other,
but you could be like,

"Well, obviously, I don't want
shit on my hands,

"but if I have to have
somebody's shit on my hands,

"you look pretty normal.
You don't look homeless.

"Sure.
I mean, don't shit right on 'em.

"Shit in a glass and I'll just
dip 'em in there.

"I'm not a freak.

But gun to my head, yeah, okay.
Fine."

And then the last level
is when you have

some unknown person's shit
on your hands.

Could be hobo shit.

It could be hobo AIDS shit,

and you would have no way
of knowing.

And that's what they had
just covering their hands.

So they had to walk
down the street

back to The Standard Hotel
where they were,

with their hands out like this,
like they were--

like they were waiters at
a fine-dining establishment.

But a restaurant that
only served human feces.

[laughs]

Would they still be snooty
about it, probably?

They'd be like,
"Your shit, sir."

So they went to the door
of The Standard.

They're like, "Hey,
can we use your bathroom?

We were in here before."

And the guy behind the door
says, "Yeah, but before

"you didn't have shit covering
your hands.

So no,
you can't use my bathroom."

And Aron said Bobby tried to
play it off like he didn't know.

He was like,
"Oh, I didn't even see that."

So you're both just standing
there like that

with shit-coveredhands
by accident, really?

He was like, "No, beat it.
Get out of here."

So they had to walk down
the street six more blocks

to a gas station
to use their bathroom,

which he also said no.

But he did offer
one piece of kindness.

He goes, "I will let you use
the hose."

So the two of them
hosed their hands off.

They finished. At that point,
Aron Kader said,

"Okay, Bobby,
my night with you is over.

"I'm probably not gonna talk to
you for a few weeks now.

I just gotta settle all this."

Bobby then went back
to The Comedy Store.

Walked the six blocks back
to The Comedy Store,

paid a homeless guy 20 bucks
to take a stick

and clean out his door handle

of all the shit.

If you ever wanted to know,
how much would it cost

if I wanted to hire
a homeless guy

to, let's say, clean shit
out of my door handle

using only a stick,

$20, that's how much it is.

It's 20 bucks.

And if you're like,
"That seems like way too much,"

well, blame Bobby Lee.

He set the market value.

So the guy opens the door
for him, and Bobby gets in,

and he closes it and the guy,
like, leaves.

He curtsies or whatever.
I don't know. Walks out.

I don't know what homeless
people do when they're done,

but he left and went to,
I don't know,

spawn new homeless people.

And then--and then Bobby gets
into his car,

and right then
is when he called me.

And he goes,
"Ari, I know this was you.

"One, this is just your style.

Two, I can see the pieces
of pastrami."

And he goes, "I don't wanna
deal with this now.

I'll deal with it tomorrow,
and when I do--"

And then right then you could
hear the keys sort of jangling,

and you could just hear 'em go
into the ignition.

And I was just so overcome
with just sheer joy.

I was like...

[laughter and applause]

I was like a little kid
who saw a first ball--

The first time
he ever saw a ball.

He's like, "I'm gonna have
so much fun with this!"

It was like--I've never
understood the Christmas spirit

before this moment.

I was just like,
"I get to be there for it?

"I get to hear this happen
and witness it?

Thank you, God,
for what I have done."

I can only compare it to this--
I can only compare it

to the moment black people
must have felt like

in that moment right before
Obama got elected.

Where it's like,
"This is gonna happen!"

And he goes, "I don't wanna
deal with this now.

I'll deal with it tomorrow,
and when I do--"

and he starts the car
and you just hear this...

[mimics windshield wipers
scraping]

As the windshield wipers
just--just struggle--

struggle under the sheer weight

of all this human feces

and pastrami.

[mimics windshield wipers
scraping]

[laughs]

So thick it made a mask of dump

all the way across
the windshield

that he couldn't see out of.

He said he couldn't drive.

I was like, "Why didn't you just
use, like, the sprayer thing?"

Like, later, and he goes,
"Yeah, I tried that.

That just made shit mud."

And I asked him what he did.

He goes, "I couldn't see
anything,

"so I had to drive
to a car wash,

"but I couldn't see
to go to the car wash.

"So I had to, like, roll down
my side window

and have my head out the window
as I drove."

But he caught a waft
of fucking shit and mustard

coming across.

So he had to find which way
the wind was blowing

and drive with that.

So he goes, "Ari, I don't wanna
deal with this now.

I'll deal with it tomorrow,
and when I do--"

He goes, "No!

"No!

Why?"

It was the sound of a man
breaking, that's what it was.

And it was--it was the best dump
I'll ever take.

You guys, I'm done.
Thank you very much, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

You guys are fucking rad.

Thank you so much for coming,
you guys.

I appreciate it.
Have a good night.

[cheers and applause]

[The Upper Crust's I've Got
My Ascot 'n' My Dickie]

*

* I've got my ascot
'n' my dickie *

* The situation's tricky *

* I got a new pair of spats
but aside from that *

* I don't wanna seem too picky *

* Someone help me
through this wicket *

* 'Cause it's awfully sticky *

* I've got my ascot
'n' my dickie *

* Got my ascot 'n' my dickie *

* I've got my ascot
'n' my dickie *

*

* Which one will it be?

* Well, I can't decide
for the life of me *

* Ascot's so refined, but a
dickie's gonna blow your mind *

* If I could just make up
my mind *

* I'd be out there in a jiffy *

* I've got my ascot
'n' my dickie *

* Got my ascot 'n' my dickie *

* I've got my ascot
'n' my dickie *

*