Ari Shaffir: Paid Regular (2015) - full transcript

[Geraldo Azevedo & Alceu
Valenca's Mister Mistério]

*

[cheers and applause]

Ari:
Thank you, guys.

Jesus.
Thank you very much.

Thanks, you guys.
Uh, appreciate it.

Thank you, Jeffrey.
[piano playing]

Uh, all right, Jeffrey.
Thank you.

That's enough.
[piano playing]

All right, Jeffrey.
I'm starting now.

[piano playing]
Thank you--all right.



Thank you.
Jeffrey: * Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew

Ari: No, that's not part
of a song.

Jeffrey: * Jew, Jew
Ari: Please stop that.

Jeffrey: * Jew
Ari: No, that song's done.

How are you guys?
You all right?

[cheers and applause]

Thank you for coming
to my special.

I really appreciate it.

It's beautiful in Los Angeles,
you guys.

We live in paradise.

I moved to New York
last year,

It's gross every day
of the year.

But I like it warm.
I like doing outside shit.

God. Some people, like,
when you ask them



what their favorite season is,
like, winter.

I'm like, "You're an idiot."

I like going
to outside concerts.

I like going fishing
sometimes.

Camping, anybody ever go
camping?

It's funny shit.
I just got into it

the last few years.
It's so much fun.

The only problem
with camping

is they never really
tell you the real experience.

Like in the movies and stuff,
it's never, like,

the movies they always tell you,
like it's gonna be you

all alone in nature.
Won't that be great?

Just you all alone
in the woods.

You're like,
"That would be great."

It's never that.

It's you in a tent.

And you're nine feet away
from another tent.

And I don't know about
you guys, but that close

next to a single father trying
to reconnect with his son...

It's not the best place to do
mushrooms right over here.

Makes it very uncomfortable.

I'm assuming that's how
everybody goes camping, right?

Are we all--are we all
on the same page?

There's no other reason
to be out there

if you're not on mushrooms.

It's just dirty otherwise.
Don't go there.

It's so, so dirty.

Stay inside where there's
less dirt.

But I guess if you're
on mushrooms,

the dirt goes away
or something.

I don't know how
the science exactly,

but, uh, I was on 'em once,
I was with my friends.

We were camping
on mushrooms

and I wandered away
from my group for a while.

'Cause this deer came
and he looked at me weird.

It was like he had
an attitude about it.

You could tell he thought
he was better than us.

So I was like, "Whatever, deer,
fine. You take it,"

and I left.
And as I walked away,

I came across this fork
in the path,

it went two
different directions.

On the left hand side
was this really wide path.

On the right hand side
is this really narrow path.

And I was like, "Huh," and I
couldn't decide which way to go.

And while I was deciding,
all of a sudden out of nowhere

I just--I remembered that--
that Robert Frost poem

from high school.

You guys remember that?
Two roads diverged in the wood,

and I took the road
less traveled.

And I'm like, "dude, I'm in
the wood right now.

"And there's two roads.
I'm doing this shit.

It's been 20 years,
time to do it."

And so I saw the narrow path,
the road less traveled.

And so I went that way.
And it turns out,

it's horrible advice.

The road less traveled is full
of thorns, first of all.

It goes inside a creek for,
like, 15 feet for no reason.

And then it just ends
in the middle of the woods

and you get lost.

Always take the road
more traveled.

It's a way better road.

That's why more people
travel on it.

Robert Frost was
a fucking idiot.

You should trust most of the
people that came before you.

That's how Yelp works.

Are you better than Yelp,
Robert Frost?

Are you, like, "I'm going to go
to the restaurant

"with only one star.

'Cause I march to the beat
of only one drummer."

Like, you march to the bathroom
with diarrhea.

Always go to
the five star place,

if the money's the same, always
go to the five star place

over the one star place.

Unless it's only got
one review.

Yeah, then you
can't trust it.

Those are my favorite
when you're, like,

ooh, look at this--
oh, wait a minute."

I always read that review.
It's always, like,

"My son is a good cook."

Just biased journalism.

It works that way
with the ratings for Yelp

and for porn videos.

You ever get, like,
"Ooh, four out of five stars.

Don't mind if I do."

And then you're, like,
"Oh, wait.

"No, five ratings,
not enough.

"I can't trust it.

"I'll wait till there's
1,000 ratings.

And then walk on the path
they paved before me."

And whatever,
and jism, I guess, or whatever.

Jism? No.
Jizz.

No, neither one of those
is the right word.

Jism.
[chuckles]

Does anybody still
say "jism" anymore?

No way, right?
It's fucking creepy now.

Jism.

What would you do if, like,
if, like, if your--

if your whatever--whoever the
guy is sitting with you,

if you guys were, like,
doing it,

and he was, like, "I'm going
to jism on your belly."

Would you be, like, "What--
what are you going to do?

What are you going
to do to my--"

I'm, like, "no, on your belly."
They're, like, "no, no.

"I heard where.

Give me the verb.
What was the verb you used?"

Jism. That's how you talked
in the olden days.

In the Lord Of the Rings days,
that's how they used to talk.

But they'd be all--they'd be
like, "M'lady."

I mean really, "M'lady.

I'm about to jism upon
thine belly."

But they'd be about to come,
so they'd be, like, "M'la--

[shivers]

It's a true story.
Look at Lord Of the Rings 2,

the director's cut.
It's in there.

It's all a real thing.

You got to wait for it
to be rated high enough,

and enough in there.

Go by--what did they do
in the old days?

In the dark days of porn?

2007?

Can you imagine living
in those times?

You're better to just look
at the picture and be, like,

"All right, I'll trust it."

It's crazy how the other
generation used to live.

No, now we have a whole rating
system set up.

We can use that for our benefit.
Robert Frost wouldn't.

He'd be jerking off
to one-star porn.

He'd be like, "Oh, it's someone
having lunch.

All right, uh, well,
I've committed to it."

Blaze my own path.

Here's my question:

Who's rating porn videos?

Like, who's finished with
that act,

and then instead of immediately
leaving the scene,

in disgust at your mid-day
decision,

who's returning to the scene
of the crime

like a fucking arsonist?

For what?
Why?

You're like, "No,
I care about my community.

And I want others to know that
Becky does like it hard."

Why would you do that?
It's not even that simple.

A lot of times you got to
register a profile first.

Do you know how detailed
a process that is?

Just to give your opinion
on co-ed naked anal.

You're like, "I didn't care for
the anal at all.

There was just barely
any of that."

That means you got to give them
an e-mail address.

To a porn site.

And just trust that they're
gonna be cool with it.

And then wait for them to e-mail
you a verification code,

which you take and go back into
the system,

sign up for a whole profile
and then be like,

"Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Read it, yep. I'm into it."

Why would anybody do that?

Here's why I do it.

[chuckles]

I just know what I know.

It's 'cause it keeps track
of all the videos you liked.

It keeps a record of all that,
that you can access.

So at the end of the year,
when Chanukah comes around,

my--my gift to myself is I have
a best-of week.

I go back and visit
all the girls that got me

through the year, you know.

It's like a greatest hits.

You guys, I'm gonna give you a
fun prank you guys can all play

on each other right now.

Uh, here it is, you have to play
with homeless people.

What else are you gonna
do with them?

Let them into your hearts?
I don't see that happening.

So, here it is, when you're
with somebody you like--

Uh, are you guys dating
or anything?

No, not at all, just some girl
you say next to.

Your sister.
Oh, gross, dude.

You fuck your sister.

Eww.

That's disgusting.

All right, works with your
sister too,

if you care about somebody.
You care about her?

I guess, if you brought her
to this thing.

Yeah, man.
Get that.

Oops.

Do what you got to do.

So let's say you're driving,
she's in the passenger seat.

You know how homeless people
come in between the lanes

and, like, look for charity
from cars?

So here's what you do.

When the homeless guy gets

right up towards
the passenger-side window,

you hit her with a roll-down
on that window.

And then watch the sparks fly.

It's a 100% win
every single time,

'cause neither one of them
expects to hear

the window sound.

The homeless guy
or your sister.

It's just like a--you're just
all of a sudden...

[buzzing]
And the homeless guy's like,

"What? Yeah.
Sounds like a sale."

And he'll--he'll lean forward.

And then watch her just panic.

Watch her not handle
the pressure.

Just be like, "Yeah, and what--
[screams]"

There's a homeless guy
right there.

They'll be like,
"No, I'm so sorry.

"There's no money for you here.
I'm so, so sorry.

"There's been a horrible
misunderstanding.

"There's no money for you here.

"Oh, my God,
you smell so much worse

"than I thought you'd smell.

"And I thought you'd smell
terrible.

"There's no money for you--let
go of the button, please.

"Let go of the button.
It's not funny anymore.

He's playing a joke on us.
Go away."

You guys can all do that, you
don't have to give me credit.

For the betterment of humanity.

I just want that out there.

You guys watch that show
Walking Dead?

I like it.
It's realistic.

That's what I like about it.

Not the zombies.
Whatever.

But I mean the way they handle
zombies.

Because in every other zombie
show or zombie movie

they always do this scene
that I fucking hate.

You know how you'll see somebody
and they've been turned,

you know, somebody you knew from
before like your next door

neighbor or your wife
or something.

And then they're coming up,
but they're zombie version.

They always do this and I
fucking hate when they come at--

And they're like, "Margaret!
I know you're in there.

"I know a part of you
is still human.

You got to fight it,
Margaret."

It's just--it's dumb.
It's dumb.

If you're a zombie, you're a
zombie.

That's the end of it.

And plus, here's the deal.
I don't have a wife.

So if I was a zombie, what would
my last piece of humanity be?

I think that my last piece of
humanity is that I'm a comedian.

And so it would result in me,
like, just eating people,

um, dick first.

I think that's the way
I'd express my creativity.

In the apocalypse, you know?

I'd be like,
[groaning].

And you'd be up against a wall,
you'd be like, "Oh, no."

And I'd be like,
[groaning].

And then I'd--I'd unzip
your pants.

Just to watch you struggle to
understand what's happening.

Just be like, "Wait.

Wait, what do zombies do?"

And then I would bend over
and slowly pull it out

and like wipe it off,
and, like--

And then you're friends would
come running in to help you.

You'd be like, "No, no, no.
Leave him alone.

"Let's see where he goes
with this.

"I haven't met all the zombies,
maybe this one's cool.

Maybe this one's really,
really cool."

And then I would, like,

I would eat your dick.

I'm, like, a zombie, man.

I'm gonna eat your whole body
eventually.

That's going to happen.

But nobody said I can't start
with dessert.

That's not a rule.

You guys, true or false?
If you were a zombie,

the dick and balls would be the
best part of the human.

man: True.
Ari: "True" is the right answer.

Yes, absolutely,
you got it right.

It'd be the delicacy, guys.
It would.

Like if you were a father
zombie,

you'd be, like,
"Hey, I get the dick and balls."

"When you kids are old enough to
put humans on this table,

"then you can have the dick
and balls.

But until then,
I work very hard--"

All right, whatever.

But I tell you,
it'd be refreshing.

That's the thing.

Like the balls, when they popped
in your mouth.

No, don't say "Eww."
You're thinking like a human.

You can't think like that.

You're a different species now.

You'll never survive
in this world.

It'd be very refreshing.
It'd be like that gum

that has the juice
on the inside.

You know, that you're not
expecting, you're like,

"What's the--Oh, wintergreen."

True story.

[chuckles]
True story.

Hey, um, uh, do you guys--

How many people by round of
applause ever do mushrooms?

[applause]

Oh, wow, a bunch of you.
That's cool.

How many people do not do it, or
acid or any sort of psychedelic?

[light applause]
A few?

Fucking my crowd.
I love it.

You guys are all hippies.
They're the greatest.

I've heard a couple people give
reasons why they shouldn't

take mushrooms,
or any sort of psychedelic.

There's two reasons I've ever
been given for mushrooms.

Well, three.
Jesus is one.

You're not gonna argue
with that.

Like, if he's in your life,
fucking, do what you want

I guess, but...

The other one I've heard is, uh,
is they're afraid the taste

of the mushrooms will be
too bad.

They'll taste too bad.
And I'm here to tell you,

that's 12 seconds
of the 9 hours.

You should not let that affect
your decision at all.

And then the other reason I've
heard is people go,

"Well, I'm scared.
I'm scared something bad's

"gonna happen to me.
You know, I'm gonna freak out.

Something bad."
And I'm here to tell you,

nothing bad will happen to you.

The universe will look out
for you.

Like, I'm not talking about God
or anything.

I'm just saying that the
universe has a way

of protecting everybody
that's on mushrooms.

So nothing ever bad,
ever happen--

All right, once every 10 years
somebody tries to hug a bus

or something, but...

Those are outliers.

Those people just exist to make
your trips more exciting.

And generally, just make sure
you're okay.

Like, I took them once
in San Diego--

They have this comedy club--
Comedy Store has a comedy club

in San Diego and they put you up
in a condo.

A lot of clubs will do that
instead of a hotel.

And they're always disgusting.

They clean them, like, every two
years or so.

We always think about,
"Ew, Roseanne fucked here."

[chuckles]
That's what we always say.

I don't know why our minds
go straight to that.

That we assume it hasn't been
cleaned since then.

"Ew, Roseanne fucked here."

Why Roseanne?
I don't even know.

No, I do know.
I know.

Um, so, uh,
I stay there a bunch.

The location's great.
That's the cool thing.

It's like you got back porch,
then boardwalk, beach.

It's right on--in P.B.
It's fucking amazing.

And I've stayed there 100 times,
nothing's ever

been off the back porch before.

But this one time, we're all
there taking mushrooms.

And right off the back porch
was this mother and son,

and they were selling glow
sticks all night.

And I don't know if you know how
to sell glow sticks,

but this is how you sell
glow sticks.

We would just go out there
and just be like, "Wow.

This is amazing!
Thank you, universe."

Just staring,
for like 40 minutes at a time.

We would just go out there
and stare.

They probably thought they were
real close to making a sale.

They were not.
We got all we wanted for free.

I'm telling you,
it looks out for you.

I think on any sort
of psychedelic drug.

'Cause there were these campers
that were

in California last year.
Do you guys remember them?

They got lost, they found them.
Maybe you don't.

but they got lost for, like,
a few days.

They didn't mention drugs in the
story at all, but,

it was, like, obvious.

They asked them when they
rescued them all--

They asked them, like, why they
wandered off.

And they go, "We saw a pretty
cloud we wanted to touch."

Like, how is your next question
not, "What were you on?"

They found the first girl
after a day, and uh--

Where'd you go?
There you are.

And her mouth was so full
of dirt from eating dirt,

It's more than hunger,
it had been 17 hours.

That's how long it was.
She was fucking shoveling

dirt into her mouth.

They couldn't even give
her water.

They had to shovel the dirt out
of her mouth,

'cause if she had drank water,
she would have suffocated.

They found the second guy after
two days,

and he was fine--100% naked,
but fine.

And then--no mention of drugs
at all.

And then the last guy,
they found him

halfway down a cliff
after five days,

which nobody seems to
understand what that means.

That means, like, if those
whole thing is a cliff,

that means he was just,
like, here...

where, like--even mountain
goats don't go there.

Birds were flying by, going,
"What the fuck is that?

When did they move in here?"

They ask him how he got there,
he goes, "I don't know."

This is his real answer
of how he got there, he goes,

"I sort of remember scooting
down an embankment."

I'm like, "Dude."
And my friends are, like, "See?

What about those people?
They weren't fine."

I'm like, "No, they were fine.

"Nothing bad happened
to any of them.

"Wake up on the side of the
cliff, unhurt?

Dude, I'm telling you, the
universe will look out for you."

Don't be scared.
Well, do be scared, I guess.

But that's fine for it.

How many people like acid more
than mushrooms?

[scattered applause]
Yeah, a few of you guys.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Acid is so much scarier.

It's so--I'll still do it.
But it's super frightening.

I've taken them, like,
three times.

I took them at a UFC one time.

[chuckles]
Yeah.

It was so much fun.

It was me and two friends.

One of the friends didn't want
to take it.

He was like, "Really? You guys
want to take acid at a UFC?

"In front of 15,000 screaming
fans and people punching

each other until they're
bloody?"

He was like, "This sounds like
a horrible place to take acid."

And I was like,
"You sound like a boring person

"to take acid with.

Problem solved.
More acid for us."

It was so much fun.
It was so great.

All the lights were going out,
everything was exciting.

This guy Anderson Silva is like
the best fighter in the world.

Probably of all time.
He kicked this guy in the face

and knocked him out.
Like, they were just standing

there and he just kicked him
in the face, knocked him out.

Everybody started cheering.

I just screamed for about
4 1/2 minutes.

Just full volume.
[screaming]

Just unstopping.

God, it was fun.

Great experience.

All the lights would go down
at once.

It looked so cool.

And then, uh, a couple fighters,

they had for their
entrance music,

they used Black Sabbath.

Which I was never really a fan
of before.

But when I heard that on acid
I was like,

"Who the fuck is this band?

It's the greatest band
of all time."

Yeah, case in point of the
universe looking out for you.

At that fight--
At that UFC fight.

I remember in the middle
of the fights--

I remember in the middle of the
fights I got really cold.

'Cause on certain drugs,
your relation to temperature

just goes out the window.
Alcohol is one of them.

If you get drunk,
you can lay outside in the snow.

And be like,
"I'm gonna lay here."

"You're gonna be cold."
Like, "I've got shorts on!

I'll be fine."

You just don't feel it.
It starts raining.

You're like,
"It's raining out here."

They're like, "Whatever.
I need a bath."

What's-it-called is one
of those things.

Uh, acid is one of those things.

So I remember shivering cold
at this UFC fight.

Turn to my friends, like,
"You guys cold at all?"

But they were both, like,
"No, I'm really hot."

And I was, like,
"Yeah, totally."

So I was looking down.
So I didn't notice

that the T-shirt cannon girls
had come out.

And they start firing off
T-shirts into the crowd.

With those T-shirt bazookas,
you know?

I looked up and I saw them,
and immediately

I figured out everything
I needed to figure out.

I was like, "Oh, I have one
T-shirt on now.

"And I'm cold.

"If I were to get one
of those T-shirts,

"Well, that would double
the amount of T-shirts I have.

I'd be a lot less cold."
I turn to my friend,

I'm like, "Dude, I want one of
those T-shirts."

And he goes, "That's cool.

"But why did you just say all
that about the one T-shirt

and the two T-shirts?"

And I was, like, "What?

No, I was just thinking
all of that."

And he goes, "Okay, maybe.
Maybe.

"But if you were
just thinking it,

then how did I know about it?"

And I was like, "Yeah, how did
you know about it?"

But I was like, "But I can't
deal with that right now.

'Cause I'm fittin' to get one
of them T-shirts."

But I'm 30 rows up, there's
no way I'm gonna get one.

But I swear to God this
happened, I swear to you.

This one T-shirt girl,
she already cocked,

so I'm like, "I want a T-shirt."
She goes...

She turns right at us--
I swear this happened!

It did, I swear to you!

I was on acid, my memory's not
the best probably, but, like--

And she fired one up and it goes
up and off my friend's hand

and right into my lap.

And I just undid it,
and I put it right on.

And I was like,
"Thank you, universe!"

And I went back to doing this
for like 4 more hours.

Do more drugs.

Woman: Yeah!

Ari: Audible scream from that
girl, "Yes. More drugs."

I just moved to New York
by the way.

Like a year ago.
man: Whoo.

Ari: Thanks, one dude.

You don't have to cheer,
you know, it's okay.

You're like, "I've heard of it.
Does that count?"

No, don't worry about it.
It's weird.

It's been pretty cool.
I lived here for a long time

then I moved to New York.
It's been fun.

I play this game.

I just walk around the streets
playing this game called,

"Why would I have touched that?"

Oh, so fun.
You guys got to do it

if you're ever there, you just
walk outside on a sunny day,

you just see anything--any
object and you look at it,

and you're like,
"Oh, that's so interesting."

And then you decide to touch it.

And that's when you notice
that it's far more moist

than you thought it would be.

You pictured no moist,
but it's far more than that.

And so the next move is you
recoil in horror

thinking about the Ebola that's
on your hands right now.

And then you look inwards
and you go

"Why would I have touched that?"

And that's how you win.
I'm really good.

It's fun, New York.
Only problem with New York

is the weed situation.

The marijuana situation
is horrifying.

I didn't realize.
I started smoking pot here.

I didn't realize how spoiled
I was...

until you go somewhere else.

God, it's fucking terrible
out there and it's hard to find.

Like if you guys, right now--
let's say you guys finish

the show and you all want
to go outside and nobody

has any weed--which is
definitely not the case.

But, like, uh--with my crowd.

If you were out, you'd be like,
"Let's go to the store

and buy more weed."
That's what you would do.

Like a grown man would do.
Those are you errands,

"I got to get trash bags,
light bulbs and marijuana."

If you're in New York
and you run out of weed,

you just have to be
without weed.

Like a fucking immigrant.

Or you wait until someone in,
like, a shitty part of town

walks by you and they go like
this, they'll go,

"Weed."
And they just keep walking.

And then it becomes your
responsibility to go,

"What did you say?"

And then they go,
"What did you hear?"

And that's the way you buy
marijuana.

And the reason they say,
"What did you hear?"

Is the because they've actually
been saying the name of, like,

four or five different drugs.

But the only one your brain
let you hear

is the one you're addicted to.

So to other people
it sounded like,

"[mumbling]
Percocet, [mumbling]."

And it's all terrible.

First of all, they don't even
sell regular amounts.

They don't sell grams
or eighths.

They sell these things called
"50s."

Yeah, which is however much weed
they want to give you for $50.

See, that's not a measurable
amount.

I'll be like, "Hey, man,
this seems really light today."

And he'll be like, "Well,
how much did you give me?"

I'm like, "I gave you $50."

He'll be like, "Well, perfect."

It's fun there though.
I just take my shirt off

and walk around all day
when it's warm.

It's weird when you take your
shirt off in the city,

people leave you the fuck alone.

You've become part
of the problem.

Which I love.
I can just be by myself.

They'll start like, "Hey, man,
do you have the time--

uh, hey, do you have the time?"

It lets you just observe.
It's pretty fun.

Here's something I noticed.
You ever walk down the street

and pass by a really hot girl?

Like really hot.
Like Kelly Bundy hot, you know?

There's this thing that happens,
it's a social construct

where as you're walking--as you
pass them

everyone will sort of turn
and look at the girl

as they walk by.
That's it.

You don't fucking grab a tit
or anything.

You just, you know--just look.
They're hot.

Girls will look too.
Guys will look because

they'll be like,
"Wow, she's so hot."

And girls will look so they can
be like, "Skank."

Like that.

Nobody hates girls
more than girls.

But at some point, I realized

hot girls want you to look
at them.

That's why they're wearing a
black mini-skirt dress

at 4:00 p.m. on a Wednesday.
They want the attention.

I don't like hot people, because
they have life better than us.

So I refuse to give them
the attention.

When I pass by a really hot
girl, I look straight forward,

I don't blink,
I don't flinch.

Like, "Oh, here she comes."
Am I looking? Nope.

No attention.
Choke on it.

And I let her go.

But then--but then here's what
I do, 'cause I like women.

So right when they pass by,
really creepily,

I'll just sniff in.

You guys ever do one of those?

That's some good creepin'.

That's fun. As they go by, like,
"No, I'm not looking at all.

I'm interested in other things."
And then I, like, [sniffs].

[exhales]

That's how you own a bitch.

That's what I'm talking about.

New York is cool though.
Best part of New York?

No actors.

Yeah, I mean, there's a few,
but they don't run the city

like they do here.
They fucking run this town.

They think they're so fucking
important.

Actors are the most overrated
people in the world.

They don't do anything
for society at all.

And by the way,
it's not even that hard.

Any of you,
with like a month of training

could be like a really
good actor.

You couldn't be the best
of the best,

you couldn't be like that guy
that died in the hotel room

of heroine.

But you could be pretty good.

You could be
David Duchovny good.

You could definitely be
that good.

Well you've heard about
the awards shows and stuff,

they think they're so fucking
important.

They're like, "You know, I'm
just trying to change the world

and make a difference."
It's like, "Shut the fuck up!

"You play pretend for a living.

"You're entire job is
an extended recess, all right?

Fucking get over yourself."

Who keeps yapping over there?

Which one of you guys keeps
yapping?

What, are you kidding me
right now?

Whoever it is,
just fucking stop.

It's really--Oh, nobody said
anything.

I was just acting.

That's how easy it is.

That's how crummy their job is.

They just play pretend.

People are like, "Really?"
No, not really!

It's a skill I mastered
in kindergarten.

One of you guys just told on
the other one too.

Someone was, like, pointing.

Like there was no noise,
but somebody was

fully telling on somebody else
to get the heat off them.

You would have been horrible
in the Holocaust.

They were like, "No, officer.
I haven't seen them here

"around here in a long time.

"I think you got rid
of them all.

"Really, no, I haven't seen any.
None of them around.

"Get them. Get them all.
Get them all!

That one has a diary.
Leave no legacy."

Fuck actors.

And there was a moment too,
where I realized

they took themselves too
seriously.

There was a moment where
it came to me.

Where I was in the acting
class--

I'll do it for money.
Whatever.

It's easy money.
You just catch a beer and go,

"Oh, Bud Light?"

$10,000.

That's an entry-level position
in acting.

And so I was in the acting scene
and I had to do this, uh--

I had to do a scene where I had
cerebral palsy.

Why do you guys laugh at that?
That's not the funny part.

By the way, if you guys want to
know what cerebral palsy is,

they're like the king
of the retards.

I'm saying,
they're the best of something.

It's a compliment, if anything.

Unless you don't think they're
the best ones,

then I think you're wrong.

What's the problem?

There's a clear order in the
retard community.

You don't think someone with
Down syndrome

looks at someone
with cerebral palsy and goes,

"Oh, I wish that was me."

Down here.

The only one that comes close to
competing with them

is those guys that count
jelly beans good.

They might be the king.

You know what the bottom rung of
the retard ladder is?

It's too much.

So here's when a hot--
Fuck it, I'll just tell you.

Here's the bottom--
Here's the worst of the re--

The guy who's just like all head
and, like, a little

Mr. Potato Head body.

They can't do anything but blow
and move.

[blowing]

Those people make you feel good
about yourself.

I was with my friend Lawrence.

We were playing in a poker
tournament in Las Vegas,

and I passed one of those guys.

I was bitching
about some bad beat.

It wasn't--I wasn't even out.
It was just at a break.

And I was like, "Fucking 10-2--
Who the fuck plays a 10-deuce?

It's ridiculous.
The luck I have."

As one of these guys is just
wheeling past me.

I was like, "Nobody has
more bad luck than I--

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

"I'm cool.
Let's just walk.

"Let's just walk around
for a little while.

Let's just enjoy that."

So here's when I realized actors
took themselves too seriously,

this is the scene I did.
I had to pretend like I had

cerebral palsy.

So if you know anything about
it, for real, your mind

is completely fine, but your
body just gets fucked up.

Half the muscles in your body,
left side or right side.

They'll all at the same time
they'll clinch and then let go.

Clinch, let go.
Clinch, let go.

Like, legs, chest, arms.
All--it just never stops.

So at the end of this 5-minute
scene I was really tired.

And the teacher was like,
"It's tough, huh?"

I'm like, "Yeah."

And he goes, "Well, now imagine
what it would be like...

to be Daniel Day-Lewis and to
have to do that every day,

for three months, like he did
in the filming of the movie

My Left Foot."

And I was like,

"Um, I think what you should
have said--

"If you didn't take your job
too seriously...

is, 'Now imagine what it would
be like to have cerebral palsy!'

"What are you talking about?
Be Daniel Day-Lewis?

"First of all,
that sounds awesome.

"I would love to be that guy.

"He probably has a hot tub
inside his house.

"That guy's fucking cool.

I would not love to have
cerebral pal--"

All right, you get it.

Hey, um, I discovered something
recently about racism.

Tell me what you think.

It's not racist,
don't worry about it.

Everybody gets weird
when you bring up racism.

But you ever go to a party and
have somebody talking to you--

Like somebody you just met and
they get, like, way too racist?

You know, especially for someone
you don't even know.

We all talk about other people,

but when you know everyone
around you.

You don't just whip it out
in the middle of nowhere.

And then it's like not
even funny,

it's just like,
racist, racist, racist.

And you're like, "Eww."
And I don't know about you,

but I get this weird empty
feeling in the pit of my chest.

Where it's just like, "Eww,"
and you just get grossed out

and you have to leave.
You don't try to get them fired.

You just fucking leave.

But then, I thought that feeling
was 'cause I was

against racism, but then I saw
this comedian onstage recently.

This comic--and he was
really awful.

He was just terrible,

Doing jokes I've heard
1,000 times before.

Totally unoriginal.

And I got that same empty
feeling in the pit of my chest.

And I was like, "Wait, that's
the racism feeling."

And that's when I realized, "Oh,
it's not racism I'm against.

It's the fucking unoriginality
of racism."

It's these stereotypes that are
40 years old

that they're still throwing down
our throats.

Like, when I moved to L.A. they
told me Mexicans were all lazy.

But every Mexican I met
had nine jobs.

And I'm a Jew
and I have zero jobs.

Like, I'm not saying
don't be racist,

I'm just saying update
you're shit.

It's a whole new world out there
and watermelon

is delicious for everyone.

But, with that in mind, here's
a couple new ones I observed.

Here's the most--Uh, you ever
get off, like, a subway

or an elevator or bus--Any
door that opens up like that.

From side to side.

If you're trying to get off and
before you can get off

someone else tries to push
their way on,

that person is a Chinese person.

98% of the time.

98% it's a Chinese person.

2% they're blind.

Those are the only options.

Anybody, like, "Ari, don't
even--You have to say Asian,

not Chinese." I'm like, "No, no,
you're being racist.

It's specifically Chinese
people."

The other ones get it.
Japanese, Koreans are, like,

"Yeah, obviously.
You get off first,

"and then when you're all out,
then we get on.

How else would it be?"

Not Chinese, that's a whole
different breed.

I see them too,

the Chinese people
through the door of the subway.

When the subway stops,
before the doors open up,

I'm like, "Hey, you.
You. We go first.

"You're to the side.
We're one, you're two.

"Get over.
Look at everyone else.

Get over."

And they're just like,
"Not in my culture."

Fucking mainlanders.

Here's another one.

Here's another racist
or racial term that I've heard.

Uh, how many black people
in here right now?

By round of applause?

No way, just one.
Come on.

All right, just one.
Get her. Let's get her.

[laughter and applause]

Really? Nobody else?
All right, fuck.

I got a specific draw, huh?

All right, please repres--
Where the fuck were you?

You're right behind her.
You just left her in the lurch.

He's like,
"I'm not joining in this.

I don't know where
it's gonna go."

You're Chinese?
You ain't Chinese.

So two black people, whichever
other ones are too cowardly

to fucking say it right now.

By a round of applause, you two,
how many of you guys,

um, take--how many of you guys
take mushrooms?

Yeah, black people don't like
mushrooms.

That's a new thing, black
people do not take mushrooms.

I have no idea why.

I asked my friend Michael Che
about that,

and this is what he said, he
goes, "Yeah, you're right.

I didn't take them either.
Neither did any of my friends."

He goes, "I think--I think maybe
it's because mushrooms

are too adventurous
for black people."

I was like, "Dude, crack is way
more of an adventure.

I don't think that's
the answer."

I think it comes down to
this--and it's a real thing.

You guys got to tell your
community.

Let them, like, spread it out.
It's a wonderful drug.

I think it comes down to this.
I think it's because mushrooms

are typically
associated with camping.

It's just not
a black experience.

I think that's what it comes
down to.

I think that's all it is.

Hey, you guys--Okay,
here's the deal.

So that's a lot of comedy
so far.

But I wanted to do a quick
public service announcement.

'Cause I'm gonna do a lot.
I'm gonna do over an hour.

They're not gonna use all this
so I just wanted to, like--

I have a cause I like to share
with people

because it can't all be about
jokes, you guys.

You know, you got to get serious
once in a while.

Um, here's the deal.

The morning blow job.
What happened to it?

Thank you a couple chuckles from
frustrated men.

The rest of you--the morning
blow job used to be

a staple of our society.

And now it's becomes like the
humpback whale.

When's the last time you gave
him a blow job

first thing in the morning?

Laughing!
I tell you, it's ridiculous.

Fuck you!

It's the greatest moment
in a man's life.

And you guys, you have the power
to give that to us.

You don't understand, if that's
the way we start the day,

nothing can hurt us after that.

We're just champions the rest
of the day.

Impenetrable to pain. And
I mean start our day that way.

Like wake up, like, [yawns].

" Hey, what the fu--
Yeah!

All right.

We're gonna smile for 24
straight hours.

Someone else gets a potion
at work,

we're like, "Hey, man.
Whatever."

"I got a blow job this morning
so I'm fine.

It'll take a lot more effort
on your part."

And I get it by the way,
from a woman's point of view.

I understand.
I get it.

First thing in the morning,

you don't want to have
a blow job--

fucking penis in your mouth.

You have a blow job
in your mouth.

I don't know what that means.
That means you have to

completely swallow up
two people.

[muffled]
"Guess what's in my mouth."

You're like,
"Uh, I don't know. Marbles?"

[muffled] "No. You're never
gonna guess. It's a blow job."

You're like, "What? I thought
you said there's a blow job

in there."
[muffled] "There is."

And you fucking pull out
two people having oral sex.

I understand.
First thing in the morning,

you don't want to have a penis
in your mouth.

Sure. Absolutely.

That sounds like a horrible
morning to be honest.

Honestly, I can't think of a
worse way to start your day.

I can't think of a possible
worst way to start your day.

The sun is shining,
the birds are chirping.

You're eyes flutter open.

It's a new day,
anything's possible.

Nope, dick in your mouth.

Sure, I get it.
I get where you're coming from.

Absolutely.

But we really want you
to do it.

So not every day,
but once every fiscal quarter,

it wouldn't
fucking kill you.

It's the greatest thing.

And if you do it, by the way, if
you decide to be cool and do it,

don't do it tomorrow
'cause they'll be expecting it.

But, like,
sometime soon do it.

And if you do it, if--and, uh,
and, uh,

don't start making demands
at the end

like you're Mother Teresa

and you changed the world.

Just let us have the moment.

Don't start going, like, "Well,
you know, I did that for you.

"So it wouldn't kill you
to empty the dishwasher

once in a while.
Take out the gar--"

No, you shut the fuck up.

Do it and then you leave
the house.

Let us have the moment.

Just get your briefcase
and just go, "Your honor,"

and you fucking go to work.

Not every day,
just sometimes.

What time do you set
your alarm for every day?

Woman: About 7:00.

Ari: Fucking unemployed
Los Angeles.

You just wake up
whenever you wake up?

Woman: I work at night.
Ari: You work at--

So you just still--
you wake up, like, 5:00 P.M.?

Woman: Yeah.
Ari: [groans]

That girl just--just had
a disgusted sound at you.

She literally goes, "Ugh."
Like you're beneath her.

What do you do for a living?
Woman: I work in room service.

Ari: In room service?
Woman: Yeah.

Ari: Oh.
Prostitute?

[indistinct] not connecting.

'Cause that makes you
a prostitute.

If you connect with
a high five,

that definitely would
make you a prostitute.

It was very smart
to pull away.

Well, let's say you wake up
at 7:00 A.M. every day.

Most people wake up--
whatever time it is,

it's the same time.
And every day, 7:00 A.M.,

the alarm goes du-du-du-du,
and you're, like, "All right,"

and you get up.
But sometimes your eyes

pop open early.
Just randomly on their own.

And you feel like it might
be time to get up.

But you look at the clock
and you got all this time.

Sometimes you wake up at,
like, 3:00 A.M.

And then you look over, like,
"Oh, fuck yeah.

Four more hours
of sleep, bro."

That's a great feeling.

But then sometimes
you wake up and look over,

and it's, like, 6:56.

And you're, like,
"What the fuck? Four minutes?

What the fuck am I going to do
with four minutes?"

You can't go back to sleep.

That's not even
a full snooze cycle.

You will oversleep.

And nobody ever in the history
of work has ever

just "gotten up"
four minutes early,

and just started, like,
"Well, I'll beat traffic today.

All right, let's do this."

Nobody--"So what are you doing?
Stan, what are you doing?"

You just lay there.

For four minutes.

Just hoping that today's
the day that time stops.

And then, of course, 7:00
rolls around, like, du-du-du-du,

you're, like, "All right,
shut up," and you get up.

And you've wasted
four minutes.

Do something productive
with that time.

Make your husband or boyfriend
love you more.

Oh, that's allowed, by the way,
just so you know.

That's a side effect
of morning blow jobs.

We will love you more.

"There's no more my man
could love me."

Yes, there is.
Try it and you'll see.

Don't do it early.
Wait till 7:00.

He didn't wake up early.
You know, don't punish him,

but, like...

Be ready right at 7:00, like,
hand over the alarm clock.

When it--du-du-du,
you're, like...

And you're, like,
one motion, like,

your neck should already
be moving.

Like a short-stop, you know,
you want action in the legs

before the hit comes.

So you go by the direction.

Yeah, I've had
girls say this too.

They're, like, "Well, if he
wants to go down on you

"first thing in the morning,
how about you go down

on us first thing
in the morning?"

That's a fair comparison.

"You want a blow job
first thing,

We want a slurp job,
or whatever."

I don't know what it is.

Is there a term for that?

There should be a term
for that.

And to that, I say this.

I say, one,
you're absolutely right.

Guys, you should do that
once in a while.

Lean over and just slurp away,

especially if you have
a dry mouth.

That's the perfect time
to do it.

You absolutely should do
your part too.

But--but it's not
the same thing.

It's not the same thing,
'cause there's about

two or three days every year
where I don't know what happens,

but the blankets just
trap the air in

to your area.

And the fucking smell

that's coming
out of that thing

smells like a--
like a urinal cake

in a Tijuana
asparagus factory.

Noxious fumes.

Should be researched by Syria
for chemical warfare.

Open it up like
a grilled cheese sandwich.

"Ew" is right,
you're getting my point.

I would rather eat chicken
left in the sun all day

than ever go down on you

one of those two or three days
of the year.

So it's not the same thing.

it's not the same thing at all.

And they're, like,
"Well, your balls smell too."

"No, no, they don't!

No, they don't."

Our balls smell a little bit
every day.

You guys have flowers
and sunshine.

Flowers and sunshine.
[yells]

Back to flowers and sunshine.

You don't know what
you're walking into.

The movie Backdraft
was based on.

So it's not the same thing.
But--but, we'll still do it

if we want to get a blow job
in the morning once in a while.

We'll hold our breaths like
Navy SEALs,

and we'll do our duty.

We'll be, like...
[inhales deeply]

[gurgling]

[gurgling and gagging]

It'll be like two magnets
turned the wrong way, you know?

Like...

And if you guys decide
to do it,

if any girl in here
decides to be cool,

fucking strengthen the bond
of marriage, whatever.

For whatever reason,
your husband or boyfriend,

if he stops you,
he was just startled.

Give him another chance.

That means it had been
too long.

He didn't know
what was happening.

I've been there.
I've been there.

It's a horrible feeling.

Once you understand
what you missed out on,

it's a horrible feeling.
You could wake up,

and be just, like...
[yawns]

"Hey, what the fuck?
What are you doing down there?

"That's--oh, no!
No!

"No, please!
No!

"I mean, no!

"No!

"No!

"Oh, please!

Wow, you're really strong
by the way."

And that's my
public service announcement.

Now back to comedy.

How about that?

I was reading the
Ten Commandments recently.

I was bored one day,
whatever.

I was masturbating,
and I got bored in the middle.

No. I was just Web surfing.
You know how Web surfing starts.

It's just that you go anywhere.
You don't know.

It's not like I was looking
for the Ten Commandments.

Start with, like,
shark attacks,

and you go to
"who invented the pencil,"

and then you go "why did someone
invent the pencil,"

and then you just--
all of a sudden

you end up
at the Ten Commandments.

And that was--yeah, I hadn't
read them in a long time.

I remember when I was little.
Have you guys read them?

Do you guys know
what I'm talking about?

"Thou shalt not lie.
Thou shalt not kill.

Thou shalt not steal."
All those.

So it was the first time
I came to them

with, like, a really fresh,
clear, adult mind

'cause it had been so long.
And I realized what they were.

Ten Commandments?
That's just a list of rules.

Like that's all it really
boils down to, like,

"Here's how you should
live your life."

From God to us.

So you would think that
the first rule would be what?

What's the worst thing
that you could do to somebody?

Kill, absolutely.

So that's the first one
right up top.

That's number one.

Except that's not
the first one.

Here's the first rule,
the first rule is:

"I am the Lord, your God."

And I was reading it,
and I was, like,

"That's a weird rule, man.

That's a very weird rule."

And plus, everybody already
knows that

if they're reading the list.

It's the only reason
they're gonna read the list

is that they already agree
with number one.

No one's just finding it
in the woods one day.

No one's just walking along,
going, like,

"What the fuck?

"Is that a list?
Did you leave a list here?

Anybody leave a list here?"

And his friend's, like,

"What does it say?
You read that letter."

And you're like, "I don't know.

It's probably
some fucking Letterman wannabe.

Let's get the fuck
out of here."

And it's like,
"Well, what if it's important?"

And you're like,
"Why would it be important

"in the middle of no--
fine, fine, fine.

"Let's compromise.
I'll read the first one.

"And if that's important enough,
then we can read the other nine.

"That's the only way.
No way.

"What a fucking waste of time.
Hold on.

"Number one.

"Oh, fuck, it's God.
I was way wrong.

"I was way wrong.
This is the most important list

"that's ever been discovered,
actually.

"Call everybody you know.

"Call a bunch of newspapers.

"Get 'em over here
right now.

God wrote this."

So fine, whatever.
Maybe in case the shit

was lost somewhere
and somebody found it.

That's why it was
at the top.

But the second rule

should be:
"Don't kill anybody."

But that's not
the second rule either.

The second rule is: "There are
no other gods except for me.

And the third rule is: "Don't
even carve a tree

to look like another god,
'cause there's totally

no other gods."

But at that point, I was,
like, "Dude, it sounds like

a bunch of other gods that you
don't want us to know about."

Being kind of obvious
about the whole situation.

We're, like, halfway
into the list.

People are shooting each other
in the face,

and you're worrying about
your reputation?

Like, quit being
so needy, bro.

Why is your shit
even in there?

If you have to--if you have to,
save it for the end.

I have, like, top seven,
and then eight, nine, ten

should be, like,
"By the way,

a little about the author."

You know, that's when you have
your Twitter,

and your email, and stuff.

They didn't even get to it
after that.

Then they have, like,

"Don't talk shit about me.

Don't take your name in vain."

But that's what they're saying.

And then, "Give it up for me
one day a week."

Like, relax, bro.

And then, "Give it up
for your mom and dad,"

and then, "Don't murder."

No, the whole list is out.

There's some double-ups too.

There's some that don't
even need to be there.

They have, "Don't covet
your neighbor's wife."

But they also have, "Do not
commit adultery."

But, how are you supposed to
fuck her if you don't covet her?

It's two for one.

She'd have to be so ugly...

to be able to covet that--
to fuck somebody

without coveting them.

She'd have to be a one.

A one.

And not even the kind of one
you would joke about

in high school.
Like, "Ha-ha.

Look at Mrs. Whitwell.
She's a one."

She's a four,
and we all knew it.

I mean a one.
I mean, like, "Look, I'm not

"attracted to you at all.

"This--this quarter of a chubby
you feel inside you?

"That's the result
of seven Viagras.

"I just--I don't covet
my neighbor's wife.

"That's just how I live.

"I don't covet
my neighbor's wife.

"What? Oh, yeah,
I'm an adulterer.

"Absolutely I do that.

"I love doing that.

"Your husband borrowed
my lawnmower a few months ago

"and hasn't returned it,

"so I thought I would
send him a message.

"And now that we're here,
I realize this is way too strong

"of a message to be sending.

So, good-bye."

It'd be a great way
to stop sex.

"Good-bye."

That'd be baller.

By the way, coveting is
such a hard--

you can't even help that.

It's not like stealing
or murder or anything.

You just do it.
As soon as you do it,

it happens.
You can't decide.

You see somebody, like, covet--
I covet you.

Covet.
Covet.

Covet.
Covet.

Covet.
Covet again.

Covet again.
It just happens like that.

Covet again.
Covet. Covet.

I'm not gay, but I've coveted
dudes before.

As you're, like,
whipping by, like,

"You--you have long hair."
So it's, like, "Do I covet?

"Oh, no, fuck.
It's too late. Too late.

Too late.
The covet was there."

I've coveted
so many transsexuals

on fucking
Santa Monica Boulevard

driving in from behind them.

And we're, like, "Oh, yeah,
who's this little--

oh, motherfucker!
God damn it!"

Too late.
Covet.

Total covet move.

I just got my--I'm done with
the Ten Commandments now,

so...

Change your minds, I guess.

I just went to my--my--
what's it called?

What's--orthodontist
for eyeballs?

- Optometrist.
- Optometrist, thank you.

Come on, marijuana.
Give me some words back.

They say pot has no negative
side effects,

but I'm, like, "Really?
I can't spell effects anymore.

I'm sure you're right."
I spent a week in February

trying to remember what
the word for grapefruit was.

Like, a full week, I was
actually trying to remember it.

How do you find that out
without carrying a grapefruit

with you.
I'm going, "What's this?"

How do you find out
what the word for grapefruit is?

Or just go to my friends, I'd
be, like, "Hey, what's that--

"what's that shitty orange?

It's like a big shitty orange.
What is that?"

My one friend was like,
"Is it a pomelo?

Stop shopping at Whole Foods.
You're getting weird."

Yeah, I went to my--my--
what did you say?

Optometrist, yeah.

And when did they all
turn into fucking salesmen?

They're not doctors anymore.

They all try to upsell you
on Lasik eye surgery.

When did doctors stop
being doctors?

Just do your
fucking job, man.

Don't try to get more money
out of me.

Yeah, but they try.

Like, at first, the guy was,
like, "Do you want--"

I don't even mind
offering once.

When he's, like, "Do you want
to get Lasik surgery?"

I was, like, "No, that's okay.
I don't want it.

But then he keeps pushing it.
It was, like,

"You know the whole procedure
takes seven seconds.

It's just lasers.
Seven seconds, you'll be done."

I was, like, "Dude, I have
ten minutes.

That's not the issue."

It was, "I don't want
to do it."

But he kept trying.
He was, like, "You know,

it's way safer than not
having it done."

He's making shit up.
You can't make shit up.

You're not allowed
to do that.

Everybody just
makes shit up.

Like those girls in the mall
that sell the hand cream

from the Dead Sea.

You know?
By the way, I've tried it.

I haven't used--
I haven't bought it,

but I used it.
It makes your hands so soft.

Like, it definitely works.

Masturbation after that
was, like, oh.

It was like fucking a cloud.

And by the way,
I've been all over the country,

those Israeli girls selling
hand cream,

they're all over
the country.

And the world.
They're definitely spies.

You should watch out
for them.

But they were, like, "Hey,
you should buy this."

I was, like, "No, that's okay."

And they're, like, "It's got
vitamins and minerals

from the Dead Sea.

And I was, like, "It's got--
it's got vitamins?"

And she goes,
"Well, minerals."

It's not
the same thing, then.

You can't just make shit up.

And getting Lasik eye surgery
is not safer

than not getting
Lasik eye surgery.

How--how is it safer?
How is it safer than this?

When nothing
can get in there?

How is it possible
safer than that?

Impenetrable.

I can lean back
and watch the rain.

You should all do that,
by the way.

Get high in the summertime.
Get high

and just lean back
and watch the rain.

It's so much fun.

You'll trail, like, one drop
all the way down.

It's so scary.
You'll be, like,

"Oh! [indistinct]
Wow! Wow!"

I don't know how--
how do you guys feel

about the government
right now?

[audience boos]
Jesus Christ.

Yeah, it's gotten
more and more of that.

It's weird what--a relationship
will happen

when you lie
30 straight years.

It's weird how it strains
a relationship.

That and shooting
unarmed people.

Really get a weird taste
in people's mouths.

We lie too much.

Remember when they--they're
spying on everybody,

and we're like,
"Can you not spy on everybody?"

And they're like,
"We're not spying on anybody."

And we're like, "What about
this piece of paper

that shows how you're spying
on everybody?"

And they're like,
"Oh. Fine.

You happy now?"

"No, I'm not happy at all.
Just stop doing it."

"We'll talk about it later."

Fuck the government.
Any time I feel the thumb

of the government on me, like,
any sort of slight impression,

I'm like, "Get--get off."

I'm not a Democrat
or a Republican.

I'm from the
Don't-Touch-Me Party.

Get-Off-Me Party, you know?

Yeah, well it's, like,
"I'm going over here.

Unless I'm doing something
wrong, get the fuck off me.

You're not
supposed to touch me."

I do it all--
Any time I feel them,

Any time I feel
the government.

Like, if I'm flying,
the TSA--

Oh, I hate the TSA so much.

God, I fuck with them hard.

I don't know if you guys know
this: You don't have to

listen to them.
If you're fly--

they don't have any
real authority.

They're less trained than
a Starbucks employee.

Like, as long as you don't
use the word "bomb,"

or the word "terrorist,"
you can just fuck with them,

and there's nothing
they can do.

It makes it a lot
more fun.

Like, if they're
patting me down,

if they're at my knee
or above,

if they're ever
at my knee or above,

I'm always, always just
pushing my dick

right into their hand,

and just taunting them, like,
"You love it.

"You love for my dick.

"Yeah, touch that d!

"Oh, well, fuck, then.
We'll do this on my terms,

not yours."

They're the priest
of the sky.

You don't have to listen
to them.

God, they're fucking awful.

My friends, like, "You know,
they're just trying.

They're doing their best.
You know,

they're catching terrorists.
They're not.

They've never caught
a terrorist.

In 13 years, they've never
caught anyone

ever even trying
to do anything.

They've let two people go.
That's their record.

The shoe guy and
the underwear guy.

It's over two.
That's their entire record

in 13 years.

I'm, like, "You're not even
doing anything.

So what are you doing?
All they do

is steal iPads all day long.

That's how they get a living.
They steal iPads.

And don't get me wrong, it's not
like I'm any better than them.

Like, if I was a TSA agent,
I'd guarantee you I'd steal

all of your iPads.

I would never see an iPad
I wouldn't steal.

I'd do it right in front of you.
I'd just be, like,

"Fuck yeah, iPad!
Whoo!"

I would steal thousands
of them, you guys.

I wouldn't even sell them
or use them.

I would just hoard them
in my apartment.

Just piles and piles
of iPads.

Every night I would lay
on top of them

and pretend like I was
a dragon.

That's my right
as a TSA officer.

Of course I would steal
if I was in the TSA.

I'm just saying people
like me

shouldn't be in charge
of people like us.

Should have better people.

I've stolen from every job
I've ever had.

I've not only done this.
I've done, like,

nine other things before.

I've stolen cash money from
every single one of those jobs,

including when I worked here
at The Comedy Store.

That's not above it either.

Don't tell the owner,
all right, guys?

I had a one day job once
I stole money from.

It was only supposed to last
for one day.

Inside that day,
I managed to locate money,

and steal it.

I was working--my aunt
was a party planner

in Washington, D.C.

So she got me this job

working an inauguration ball
for the new mayor.

You guys remember
Marion Barry?

man: Yeah.
Ari: If you guys don't remember,

Marion Barry was the Mayor
of Washington, D.C. for, like,

a long time, for, like,
a decade or something.

Most powerful city
in the world politically.

And then one day
he got caught on camera

smoking crack
with a prostitute.

You know, weekday shit.

And they put him in jail.
His big quote was, like,

"Bitch set me up.
Bitch."

Me and my friends said that
every day for, like,

six years after that.

"Bitch set me up."

So much fun to say.

But she didn't
set you up, man.

I mean, you hired a prostitute
to do crack with.

How did she set you up?

But anyway, he went to jail for,
like, seven, eight, ten years.

And then when he got out,
the prison was like,

"All right, you got to find
a job now."

And he goes,
"What should I do?"

And they were, like,
"What'd you do before?"

He goes, "Well, before, I was
the Mayor of Washington, D.C."

And the warden was like,
"Yeah, whatever.

Do that.
I don't care."

And he ran for mayor again,
and he won.

He won easily.

Like, it wasn't even
that close.

He got, like,
80% of the vote.

The people of D.C. were like,
"Hey, man.

"It was just a little bit
of crack.

"You were great at balancing
the budget.

"We don't care...

"if you have more time
to concentrate on it

"because you were up all night
doing crack.

Either way, welcome home."

So I served drinks
at this inauguration ball,

and there was
this giant jar

that had people
put money into it,

like, donations and stuff
for the campaign.

At the end of the night,
they're, like, "Okay,

you can stop serving drinks.
Go up to this room

that people had hung out
there a little bit."

And they're, like, "Go up there,
and count the money,

and let us know how much
there is in there."

So, yeah, for anyone who missed
that opportunity,

let me just, uh, slow it down
for you.

"You said,
'Count the uncounted money,

"'and tell us how much
uncounted money there is

in the pile
of uncounted money.'"

Spoiler alert:

It did not all get counted.

Of course I would steal
if I was in the TSA, fuck them.

Resist them
whenever you can, guys.

Every time you feel like it,
just like, "Ah! Get off me."

I never take
my shoes off anymore.

When I'm flying,
I just don't do it.

You know you're supposed to,
but I just don't.

I go through security,
they're, like, "Sir, your shoes.

You have to take your shoes
off."

I'm, like, "Oh, I can't
take them off."

They're, like, "What?
Why not?"

I just go,
"Medical condition."

It's like diplomatic immunity.
They can't say shit after that.

The most they can do is
ask you what your condition is.

And my friend Brent Weinbach
taught me this:

you just make up
some Latin-sounding syllables.

It always sounds like
a really deadly disease.

She go, "What's wrong?"
"Oh, mytosis filibopsis."

That sounds real as fuck.

And it's super rare.
You can't even Google it.

That's how rare it is.

I've had guys apologize, like,
"Oh, yeah,

I know how that can be."
"Do you?"

Fuck them.

Fuck them.
I farted on one of them

in Boston.

I farted right on him.
It was so rewarding, you guys.

It was so rewarding.

It was my best fart since--

do you remember when you
discovered crop-dusting?

You know?

I don't know if girls got--

little boys are very
inquisitive about the world,

and they make
these observations.

And one of the first
observations they make

is, like, "Oh. Farts smell."

And then after a while,
you're like, "Wait.

"But they don't smell
right away.

It takes, like, seven or eight
seconds for them to smell."

I'm like,
"What happens to them, then?

Do they go train
and then come back?"

And then you realize, like,
"Oh, no.

"It's just got to work
its way out of your pants

for a little while.
Just takes about seven seconds."

But then you realize, like,
"Oh. That means if I fart

"quietly enough, and there's
a good enough friend,

like, right nearby me, you can
have a lot of fun with it."

If you're, like,
[blows]

and go, "Hey, man.
How are you doing?"

And then you just wait.

And they'll be like,
"What are you doing?

"Why are you walking
so close to me?

"Oh, fuck!
Fuck! No!

No! No!"

Since then, I have never had
as rewarding a fart

as when I farted on this
TSA agent.

I was going through,
and the first person was like,

"Sir, your shoes."
I'm like, "Medical condition."

And then the second person
was like, "Sir, your shoes."

I'm like,
"Medical condition!

Don't you communicate?"

And then he goes,
"I don't understand.

You can get your shoes on,
but you can't take them off?"

Yeah, excellent question.

That's an excellent question.

If I really had a disease,
I would have an answer

for that question.

But the only thing
I was suffering from

was freedom.

So he asked me that,
I go, "How about this?

"How about you just do
your fucking job for once

and shut
your fucking mouth?"

Zero respect, whatsoever.

I'm telling you, you guys,
Fuck them.

And some of my friends are like,
"They're just doing their job."

Like, don't take that job.

You can get a job
in the mafia,

doesn't mean
you're supposed to do it.

My father was
a Holocaust survivor,

and he always taught us
that just doing our job

is not really an excuse
for your actions.

Too far, right?
That's too far.

I agree with you.
I agree with you.

That was too much
of a comparison.

So he goes, "Okay, I'm going to
search your bag again."

And he starts to unzip my bag,
and I just took my hand,

and I slammed it
right on there.

I'm, like, "No, no, no.
You don't get to search me again

"'cause I don't like you.
That's not the rule.

"I don't have to like you.
And, just to be clear,

I do not like you."

I'm telling you, black people,
if you ever want

to yell at a cop,
this feels just as good.

There's no repercussions.

So immediately he calls
his supervisor over.

He's just, like, "Supervisor."
And look, here's the deal.

I've had, like, 40 supervisors
called on me at this point,

I'm a complete cunt
when I fly.

He did not--it takes, like,
an extra 40 minutes

every single time.
You don't want to go--

My friends all know.
My friends, like, "I'll see you

up there at Pizzeria Uno."
I'm, like, "All right.

I'll catch up with you.
Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you!
Fuck you!

I got work to do.
Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Here's the deal about
supervisors:

They always think you're
gonna be more scared of them

because their walkie-talkie
is up here

instead of down there.

And they think that's
their special X-Men power.

So this guy was, like, you know,
the regular guy was, like,

"Supervisor."
And I immediately I was like,

[mocking]
"Supervisor. Supervisor.

Supervisor."
Fucking rat bitch.

You gonna tell on me?

[mocking]
"Supervisor.

Call your mommy."

Supervisor comes
in eventually, and he's, like,

"Yeah, is there something
I can help you with?"

I was, like, "Yeah, we're trying
to figure out

"how many idiots
this is going to take.

So far, we're up to two."

And he was, like,
"What's the problem?"

And that one guy starts
to talk.

I'm, like, "I'll talk
'cause you're an idiot.

"He's searching me again
'cause I don't like him,

"and that's not the deal.
I didn't do anything.

"You're not supposed
to search me.

"That's the deal we made.
I'm an American.

I'm white, and you
leave me alone."

So he was, like--he saw that
I was just trouble,

so he was, like--he was, like,
"Sir,

if you don't like the rules,
don't fly."

Which is very dismissive.

I'm not the enemy.
I'm just some fucking guy

who wants to fly.
But the cool thing was,

I'd heard that logic before,
so I was kind of ready for it.

So he goes, "If you don't like
the rules, don't fly."

And I go, "Isn't that what
they told Rosa Parks?"

And he was, like--he goes,
"That's different."

And I go,
"Shut up, racist!"

It's so much fun
to fuck with them.

You guys know who
Rosa Parks was?

[voices of approval]

All right.

Hopefully you all do.
You should all know.

So I told--all right,
I'll just tell you.

Rosa Parks--
You should know this.

You should read something.
Rosa Parks is a really

influential figure
in the Civil Rights Movement.

She would--she took slaves
by way of Underground Railroad

over the border into Canada.

It's embarrassing, you guys.

You guys should really
read something.

It's embarrassing.

Yes, that was the other one.
Whoever said that.

That's true.
Was the other one.

[mockingly]
That was the other one.

So the supervisor guy,
he was just done.

He was like, "Sir,
you have to listen to me."

And right when he said the H
in "have to,"

I got this gurgling
in my stomach

from last night's Chipotle.

It was like...
[gurgling]

Hey, look, here's the deal.
I don't believe in God, okay?

I just don't.
But us atheists,

every once in a while,
we get these gifts.

And they kind of
make us wonder.

Like, in this case, like,
who else but Jesus

would have known that I wanted
to fart so badly right now?

No one. Who else had the power
to grant me that wish?

Nobody but Jesus Christ,
our Lord and Savior.

Is that how you say it?
I really have no idea.

Whenever I say that, I feel like
everybody can see through it.

Like a clearly in-the-closet gay
guy who's taking about women.

And they're like,
"I love pussy, you guys."

"I don't think you do."

"What do you mean? I love it!
It's my favorite thing."

"Yeah, you keep saying that,
but I don't believe you."

So then he goes, "Sir,
you have to listen to me."

And I go, "You have to smell
my fart."

And I just cut the longest,
loudest fart.

It was, like,
14 seconds long...

and so loud,
cartoonishly loud.

People from other aisles
were turning around

just going like, "Did someone
sneak in a lawnmower?

What's happening?"

One fart
the whole way through.

I was careful
not to chop it up at all,

'cause I didn't want them
thinking, like, "Oh.

Some of these farts
are from other people."

No, one fart all for you.

But I didn't want it
to come out too fast either,

'cause if it came out wet,
then he would win.

You really got to finesse it in
these high-pressure situations.

And we're like...
[imitates farting]

And that pitch,
that's how long it was.

It went down and then
back up in bass.

It was like...
[imitates farting]

the whole time looking
at them right in the eyes.

[imitates farting]
Just didgeridoo noise

fucking being thrown at them.

[imitates farting]

And he had zero emotion
on his face the entire time.

Just like this.

And then when I'm done,
when I finish it off,

he just goes, "Really?"

I'm like, "Yeah, man, really.
We're getting sick of you.

We don't want you here
anymore."

"Bob Dob, lock the cockpit
gate--door."

That's it.

Metal detector,
that's all you need.

Yeah. Here's what I want
to do from now on.

This might go too far.

This is what I want to do.
I want to take out

my cell phone camera
when I'm at the airport.

Every TSA agent I pass, I'm
gonna, like, really obviously

take a picture of them.
Like, really obvious, you know?

I'll leave my flash on, like,
I'm not trying to hide it.

And if they stop me, if they go,
"Sir, what are you doing?"

I'm gonna go, "When the
revolution comes,

we're going to want to know
who's side you were on."

I'm telling you guys,
try it. Try it.

Try to resist them
in some small way.

Just try to be, like,
"No, get the fuck off me."

Just curse 'em out,
or don't do that thing where

it looks like you're being sent
off to a concentration camp,

getting arrested.

Or just don't take
your shoes off.

Just try that.

You'll be nervous
at first.

I was too. When I first did it,
I was so nervous.

You'll be nervous too, but
when you get through with it,

you'll feel like
George Washington.

You guys, that's my special.
Thank you very much, everybody.

You guys are cool.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.
All right, all right.

Thank you very much.

[Geraldo Azevedo & Alceu
Valenca's Mister Mistério]

*