Apple Pie (1975) - full transcript
A gangster relates the story of how he started his life of crime, beginning when as a child he faked his own kidnapping in order to get money from his parents for the "ransom". However, it turns out that the "gangster" may not be exactly what he seems.
(SKATEBOARD WHEELS SCRATCHING)
ONCE UPON A TIME...
IN A VERY FAR AND DISTANT
LAND...
THERE WAS...
A MAGICAL KINGDOM.
SOME LIKENED IT TO BAGHDAD...
WHILE OTHERS...
CALLED IT...
OZ.
YET THERE WERE THOSE WHO SIMPLY
BREATHED...
Manhattan.
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
[ CAR HORNS HONKING ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
[ LAUGHS ]
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ CAR HORNS HONKING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
THE HOTEL WAS IN THE KREMLIN,
SEE?
WE LOST THE --
BOSS, BOSS, I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO GET YOU FOR TWO DAYS ALREADY
TO SIGN THESE LEGAL PAPERS,
PLEASE?
STANLEY, STANLEY, PLEASE.
LATER, STANELY -- THE LATER, THE
BETTER!
LIKE I SAID, BEFORE I HAD...
[ CAR HORN HONKS ]
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS BOTHER HIM?
HE'S A BUSY MAN.
I DON'T WHY HE KEEPS PUTTING
IT OFF.
[ INDISTINCT TALKING, LAUGHTER ]
THERE'S NO RESPECT FROM HIM.
HEY, THIS LOOKS LIKE THE
TOILET.
I KNOW.
OH, WOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOUR FATHER COULD DEAL WITH
THE MAN.
THE KID -- NOTHING.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THE CHANGES HAVE TO COME.
[ TALKING, LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
THEY GOT TO COME FROM THE TOP.
I WANT THESE CHANGES.
HEY, UH, BOSS...
[ TALKING, LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
WOW.
I GOT TO SHOW HIM WHERE WE'RE
GOING.
I LIKE YOU.
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
WHEN CAN WE EAT?
WE'RE GOING TO EAT IN A
LITTLE WHILE.
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
BUT FIRST, WE'RE GOING UP TO
THE SUITE.
[ WOMAN SHOUTS ]
I AIN'T EATEN IN AN HOUR,
BOSS.
CAREFUL OF THOSE THINGS.
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
CAREFUL, BOSS, WE'RE HAVING
SOME...
I CAN'T HOLD OUT MUCH LONGER,
BOSS.
DON'T EXPECT WHAT YOU DON'T
WANT.
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
BOSS, BOSS.
YES, CALVERT?
YOU KNOW THAT GUY THAT'S BEEN
GIVING YOU TROUBLE?
YES.
WELL, CAN I TAKE CARE OF HIM
FOR YOU?
UH, PERHAPS LATER, CALVERT.
THANK YOU.
[ INDISTINCT TALKING, LAUGHTER ]
GAVE THE TALK TO HIS NEPHEW.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
[ TALKING, LAUGHTER STOPS ]
NOT NOW -- LATER.
NO, I THINK NOW IS THE RIGHT
TIME.
WHY CAN'T IT WAIT?
IT CANNOT WAIT.
I CAME A LONG WAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SIR, AGH!
YOU'RE STEPPING ON MY FOOT!
I DEMAND AN APOLOGY, SIR!
APOLOGIZE UP THE [SPUTTERS]
HEY, BOSS?
[ WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]
HEY, BOSS?
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT I DO WITH HIS GUY?
GORDITO, PUT HIM BACK.
YOU KNOW, IT'S, UH,
CUCUMBERS, UH, LETTUCE, WHATEVER
THERE IS AVAILABLE.
ANY OTHER, UH, VEGETABLES?
WELL, RADISHES, WHATEVER'S
GONNA BE COMING UP.
HORSERADISHES?
HORSERADISHES?
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
[ WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]
ALIMENTARY CANAL.
HMM?
39 ACROSS.
[ WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]
UH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
DON'T MENTION IT.
"SHOULD WICKED WANDA BREAK
PASTA WITH THE MAFIA?"
HMM.
"SEX -- FUN WITH IT."
OH, MY GOD!
[ WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]
OKAY.
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, GONNA DO IT WITHOUT US!
[ LAUGHS ]
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
I GOT SOME GUM.
DO YOU WANT SOME GUM?
[ WOMEN LAUGH ]
[ GRUNTS ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
OH, THIS IS REALLY FANCY
HERE.
I TELL YOU, IT'S...
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
[ WOMAN LAUGHS ]
[ SNORING ]
[ WOMEN LAUGH ]
[ KEY CLATTERS ]
[ INDISTINCT SINGING ]
OH, I'M GONNA HAVE ONE OF
THOSE NIGHTS TODAY!
OH!
All: OOH!
NICE, HUH?
YEAH.
OOH!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
TEDDY BEAR.
YES?
PUT THIS IN SOME GLASSES FOR
US, HUH?
OH, GOODY, WE'RE GONNA GET A
LITTLE TIPSY.
HEY, GORDITO, HOW ABOUT A
GAME OF CLUE?
I DON'T PLAY CLUE.
WELL, I'LL TEACH YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME, BOSS, I GOT TO GET
THE CLUE.
YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU REALLY
LIKE ME BETTER NOW, THOUGH.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
OH. [ MUMBLING ]
YOU KNOW, MICHAEL, I REALLY
LIKE YOU.
I MEAN, I REALLY, REALLY DO AS A
PERSON.
HON, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A
WALK?
WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME?
DO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY?
NO.
I THINK
YOU'RE
PRETTY.
DON'T YOU THINK I'M PRETTY?
NO, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LOOK
AT YOU.
CAN'T YOU THINK I'M PRETTY IF
I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY?
I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY TIME TO
LOOK AT YOU.
THAT'S ALL.
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
CAN I SIT ON YOUR LAP?
THEN YOU'LL LIKE ME BETTER.
NO, I'D RATHER YOU DIDN'T.
THEN YOU'LL LIKE ME BETTER.
WHY DON'T YOU
RELAX?
OH, COME ON!
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
YOU RELAX.
NOW, ISN'T THAT BETTER?
THE BOSS HAS GOT GOOD LIQUOR,
YOU KNOW?
DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?
DON'T YOU, HUH?
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A BIG
SMILE AND SHOW ME YOUR
INTELLECTUAL TEETH?
[ SINGING CONTINUES ]
WEIGH A TON.
WHAT?!
I GOT HIM, DARLING.
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EVEN PLAY
THIS GAME.
HE KNOWS HOW TO PLAY.
COME OFF IT.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
BANG, BANG! STICK 'EM UP!
[ LAUGHS ]
WHERE'S THE OTHER GUYS?
WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER GUYS?
[ LAUGHS ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
OOH!
IN RATHER DARK AND NEFARIOUS
GATHERINGS, I'M KNOWN AS
"THE FALCON."
[ BLOWS ]
UPTOWN...
EL HALCóN.
AND THIS...
WELL, IT ALL BEGAN A LONG TIME
AGO [INHALES DEEPLY] WHEN THE
WORLD WAS VERY PREJUDICED AS IT
STILL IS, AND MULATTOS ENTERED
THEIR DELIQUESCENCE ON MERE
INSTINCT ALONE.
I WAS ONLY 17.
I HAD YET TO LEAVE HOME.
AND MY FATHER WAS STILL TELLING
ME, "SO STRONG THE URGE TO
IMMORTALIZE HIMSELF BEATS IN THE
BREAST OF MAN THAT EVEN A FEW
TRANSIENT YEARS REAPED FROM THE
ABYSS ABSORBED OF BLANK
OBLIVION SEEM A GLORIOUS PRIZE,
EVEN TO A CLOWN."
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING US?
HI, RICARDO.
YEAH, YOU WANT TO GO TO THE
MOVIES?
YEAH, RIGHT.
OKAY. NO, NO, I SAW THAT ONE.
YEAH, I SAW -- OH, I SAW THAT,
TOO -- OUTRAGEOUS!
YEAH, I SAW THAT -- VERY SEVERE.
YEAH, I SAW THAT ONE.
I DIDN'T LIKE IT, NO.
YEAH, RIGHT.
NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE NO
PORNO.
I WANT TO CR-- I WANT TO SEE A
MOVIE THAT MAKES ME CRY.
YOU KNOW, I-I DON'T CRY WHEN I
GO TO SEE PORNO MOVIES.
NO, I JUST KIND OF SIT THERE,
YOU KNOW, PUSHING THE -- OH
[MUTTERS]
WELL, UH, YOU KNOW, WELL, I WANT
TO CRY 'CAUSE -- YES, RIGHT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
SO I'M INTO EMOTIONAL S&M,
RIGHT?
OFF THE WALL!
I SAW IT. YEAH.
OH, THAT WAS LOV-- LET ME DISH.
I SAW THAT.
STOP!
MM, MICHAEL WOULD LOVE IT.
I HATE HIS MOVIES.
MAN, I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM WHEN
HE WAS YOUNG.
THEY USED TO SHOOT HIM THROUGH
GAUZE.
YEAH, THEY SHOOT HIM THROUGH A
BLANKET NOW.
YEAH, THEY SHOULD DO THAT MAN A
FAVOR AND SHOOT HIM THROUGH A
SILENCER.
WELL, YEAH, YOU WISH.
...THE COFFEE'S BEEN GREAT.
WELL, EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE
AN ACTOR.
YEAH, AN ARTIST OR SOMETHING.
OH, I SAW THAT! THAT WAS BOSS!
YEAH, YOU'RE FULL OF IT.
THAT WAS BOSS.
YEAH, YEAH,
"DON'T MESS WITH BILL."
I'LL RANK YOU SO SLOW, YOU'LL
HAVE TO LOOK UP TO LOOK
DOWN.
[ LAUGHS ]
I HAVE IT ON.
LATER FOR YOU.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL PICK YOU UP IN
10 MINUTES IN FRONT OF YOUR
HOUSE.
LATER.
NOW, HOW DO YOU MAKE A
GIRDLE...
[ CLICK ]
...THAT'S COMFORTABLE FOR HOURS
EVEN BETTER?
[ SIGHS ]
EXTRA TUMMY CONTROL.
[ SNORES ]
YEP, PLAYTEX ADDED A LARGER
FIRMING PANEL TO THAT
COMFORTABLE...
UH...
...18-HOUR GIRDLE...
[ SNORES ]
OH, THIS. MY BEARD.
...WITH EXTRA TUMMY CONTROL.
WELL, WHAT'D YOU THINK I WAS
GONNA DO -- SHAVE IT OFF?
GIVE ME A BREAK.
USE YOUR IMAGINATION.
MA!
I'M SPLITTING.
I'M GOING TO THE MOVIES.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE
SPLITTING?
LIKE A PERIMYSIUM, I'M
SPLITTING!
LISTEN, JACKIE, DID YOU HANG
UP EVERYTHING?
YEAH, I HUNG UP EVERYTHING.
I THINK --
JACQUES, YOU HAVE BEEN OUT
LAST NIGHT, AND YOU HAVE BEEN
OUT THE NIGHT BEFORE AND THE
NIGHT BEFORE THAT AND THE NIGHT
BEFORE THAT.
I WANT YOU TO STAY HOME TONIGHT
WITH YOUR MOTHER.
YEAH, BUT I WANT TO GO TO THE
MOVIES AND LEARN SOMETHING.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU WANT TO GO
TO THE MOVIES AND LEARN
SOMETHING.
WE HAVE A MARVELOUS, MARVELOUS
TELEVISION.
YEAH, I KNOW, BUT YOU TOLD ME
YOURSELF, SO STRONG THE URGE TO
IMMORTALIZE HIMSELF...
[ SIGHS ]
...BEATS IN THE BREAST OF MAN
THAT EVEN A FEW TRANSIENT YEARS
REAPED FROM THE ABYSS ABSORBED
OF BLANK OBLIVION SEEM A
GLORIOUS PRIZE --
ASIDE FROM THAT, JACKIE, I
MEAN IT.
DID YOU PICK UP EVERYTHING OFF
THE FLOOR?
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REFERRING
TO.
YES, I PICKED UP EVERYTHING,
YEAH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS LEAVING YOUR
UNDERWEAR ON THE FLOOR, AND I'M
TIRED OF PICKING IT UP.
WELL, I PICKED IT ALL UP.
YOU DID?
SO EVERYTHING'S FINE, AND I'M
GONNA GO MEET RICARDO.
I'M PICKING HIM UP IN 10
MINUTES, AND YOU'RE GONNA SPEND
THE EVENING AT HOME, RIGHT?
YEAH, GIVE HIM MY BEST
REGARDS.
EXCUSE ME?
GIVE HIM MY BEST REGARDS.
THANKS, AND --
JACKIE, HAVE YOU GOT ANY
MONEY?
AND THANKS TO THE $5 YOU GAVE
ME.
SO, UH, HAVE A NICE EVENING, AND
I'M OFF.
LATER -- I'VE GOT TO GO.
THANKS FOR THE $5.
DRIVE CAREFULLY, SON.
LATER.
YEAH, DRIVE CAREFULLY, DRIVE
CAREFULLY!
I HATE
CARS.
I PREFER A HORSE.
A HORSE IS MORE
HUMAN.
[ WHISTLING ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ PLANE WHIRRING OVERHEAD ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
YOU MEAN YOU ONLY GAVE HIM
$5?
SUPPOSE HE HAS A FLAT OR RUNS
OUT OF GAS.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
I WANT TO WATCH TV.
OH, NATHAN, ALL YOU EVER DO
IS WATCH TV OR SLEEP.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
THE CHARM OF YOUR SAD, LITTLE
MONOLOGUE IS PETERING OUT.
I DO NOT ELECT TO CONVERSE WITH
YOU ANY LONGER.
CAN I NEVER SQUEEZE IN A WORD OR
TWO EVERY NOW AND THEN?
YOU BABBLE ON AND ON AND ON AND
ON.
WOMEN HERE GET AWAY WITH MURDER.
IN EUROPE, HE KEEPS THEM
PREGNANT AND BAREFOOT AND LET
THEM EAT UNDER THE TABLE WHERE
THEY SO RICHLY BELONG.
YOU AND PA, MA, HAVE BOWLED
ME OVER.
WELL, THAT'S...
YOU'RE SUCH AN ARISTOCRAT,
NATHAN.
[ SNORES ]
[ EERIE WHIRRING ]
SCIENCE-FICTION WEEK
CONTINUES WITH
"THE X FROM OUTER SPACE."
I GOT AN ELECTRIC SHOCK.
[ SNORES ]
ELECTRICITY? ARE YOU SURE?
DOC, IF THERE'S ONE THING I
DO KNOW...
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
...IT'S WHAT AN ELECTRIC SHOCK
FEELS LIKE.
[ RINGING CONTINUES ]
IT MUST BE AN ELECTRICALLY
CHARGED FIELD.
HELLO?
FORCE-FIELD BARRIER.
RICHARD.
I'M GLAD YOU CALLED.
JACQUES? NO, HE LEFT.
WE'LL GO WITH YOU.
HE LEFT TO GO TO THE MOVIES.
WITH
YOU.
WELL, THAT'S FUNNY.
SEEMS WE HAVE VERY LITTLE
CHOICE.
HE LEFT -- LET ME SEE NOW.
JUST A MOMENT.
I SYMPATHIZE WITH YOUR
FRUSTRATIONS.
07, 71, SEAL THE OPENING.
[ SNORES ]
HE LEFT -- IT MUST BE ABOUT
AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO.
67, LET US THROUGH.
[ SNORES ]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ]
ALL RIGHT, RICHARD, I'LL HAVE
HIM CALL YOU WHEN HE COMES IN.
YES, GOODBYE.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ SNORES ]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SNORES ]
GOOD.
[ SNORES ]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SNORES ]
NATHAN?
[ SNORES ]
NATHAN?
[ SNORES ]
[ REMOTE CLICKING ]
YEAH, WHAT?
RICHARD JUST CALLED.
I PHONED HIM BACK.
NOT THAT RICHARD -- JACKIE'S
FRIEND RICHARD!
SO
WHAT?
"SO WHAT?"!
JACKIE HAD A MOVIE DATE WITH HIM
AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO, AND HE
HASN'T SHOWN UP.
OH, LEAVE ME ALONE, WILL YOU?
STOP PLAYING WITH THAT TV
SET!
[ CLICKING CONTINUES ]
OH, YOU!
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
COME ON, NATHAN, HURRY UP!
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY
RICHARD CALLED ME.
HE NEVER CALLS, SO WHY SHOULD HE
SUDDENLY CALL ME NOW UNLESS
SOMETHING REALLY HAPPENED?
I'M TELLING YOU.
YEAH.
OH, MY GOD!
OH, THIS IS CHLOROFORM!
OH, YEAH?
SMELL IT!
GOOD.
YEAH, SURE, IT'S CHLOROFORM.
AND HIS HAT!
MY GOD, WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED
TO JACKIE?!
WHAT COULD'VE TEMPTED JACKIE?
WHAT COULD'VE HAPPENED TO
JACKIE?
WELL, HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE
GONE TO THE MOVIES TWO HOURS
AGO!
YES, HE'S SUPPOSED TO GO TO
THE MOVIES TWO HOURS AGO.
BUT LET'S GO CALL THE POLICE!
JUST CALL THE POLICE!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
CAN YOU NEVER SHUT UP FOR A
MOMENT?!
SO IT'S CHLOROFORM!
I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE EXASPERATING, AND NOT
ONLY THAT, YOU'VE DESTROYED THE
EVIDENCE!
YEAH, I'VE DESTROYED THE
EVIDENCE, YEAH!
I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE
ANYWAY!
ANYWAY!
YAKITY, YAKITY, YAK, OLD BITCH,
YOU.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ ENGINE CUTS ]
[ WHISTLING ]
[ DIALING ]
HELLO?
WESTERN UNION?
I'D LIKE TO SEND A TELEGRAM.
YES, TO
MR. AND MRS. N. BLINBAUM.
BLINBAUM ACRES, LOCUST VALLEY,
NEW YORK.
YES.
"DEAR MR. AND MRS. BLINBAUM, WE
HAVE KIDNAPPED" -- YES,
KIDNAPPED -- "YOUR SON,
JACQUES" -- J-A-C-Q-U-E-S --
"AND ARE HOLDING HIM FOR
$200,000."
NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
MAKE THAT
$250,000.
YES, 2-5-0...
THOUSAND.
[ CHUCKLES ] STOP.
YES.
"IF YOU WISH TO SEE YOUR SON
ALIVE AGAIN, YOU WILL TAKE THE
ABOVE-MENTIONED SUM AND" -- SUM,
S-U-M.
SUM.
"TAKE THE ABOVE-MENTIONED SUM
AND BE IN THE PHONE BOOTH AT THE
GAS STATION ON THE CORNER OF
GUINEA WOODS ROAD AND THE
LONG ISLAND EXPRESSWAY AT 6:00
P.M. TOMORROW EVENING."
STOP.
"YOU WILL RECEIVE A CALL THERE
WITH FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS."
STOP.
IF YOU CALL THE POLICE, WE WILL,
OF COURSE...
KILL
YOUR SON."
THAT'S RIGHT.
"WITH SINCERE RESPECT, WE
REMAIN...
THE KIDNAPPERS."
THAT'S RIGHT -- THE
KIDNAPPERS.
RIGHT. UM...
COULD YOU READ THAT BACK TO ME,
PLEASE?
RIGHT. YEAH, RIGHT.
RIGHT, EXPRESS...
LONG ISLAND EXPRESSWAY, RIGHT.
[ MURMURING ]
[ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ]
RIGHT.
OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD, YES.
OKAY, THANK YOU.
UH, HOW MUCH WILL THAT BE,
PLEASE?
HOW MUCH?!
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
YES, OF COURSE. HERE IT COMES.
25.
50.
75.
DOLLAR.
$1.25.
$1.50.
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
[ CAR HORN HONKING ]
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]
[ CAR HORN HONKS ]
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
HELLO?
[ Ominous voice ] Blinbaum.
YES.
WHO AM I TALKING ABOUT?
Your son.
I MEAN, WHO AM I TALKING TO?
The
kidnappers.
HMM?
The kidnappers!
WILL YOU KINDLY REPEAT THAT?
Ze kidnappers!
WHO?
The bad guys!
OH, I SEE.
WELL, WHERE -- WHERE ARE THE
INSTRUCTIONS EXACTLY?
WHERE SHOULD I GO?
West.
WELL, BE A LITTLE BIT MORE
EXPRESSIVE.
UH, EQUATORIAL AFRICA, WHAT?
HMM?
Go west, young man.
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, WE
WENT THROUGH ALL THIS.
You have the money?
I KNOW, I KNOW.
YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THE MONEY.
I'M INTERESTED IN MY SON.
HMM?
An interest shared by few!
I'VE NEVER HEARD YOUR VOICE.
YOU SOUND SO STRANGE.
WILL YOU PLEASE REPEAT WHAT YOU
SAID?
What?
I SAID, WILL YOU PLEASE
REPEAT YOUR INSTRUCTIONS?
I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH YOUR
VOICE.
Mr. Blinbaum?
YEAH, IT IS ME.
Don't look suspicious.
MM-HMM. WHERE IS MY SON?
Shh!
I SAID, WHERE IS MY SON?
Start paying attention!
WHERE IS MY SON?
Be quiet! Listen!
ALL RIGHT, THEN, REPEAT THE
INSTRUCTIONS.
Do you know the Expressway?
YES.
Can you tell east from west?
YES.
Will you be a good boy?
ALL RIGHT.
Proceed west on 495.
2.5 miles.
When you get to the sign that
says Shelter Rock Road, pull
over.
Engage the emergency break.
Good.
Now take the money and throw it
into the woods.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
At the next exit, please, if you
would be so kind as to do just
that, exit.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ HORN HONKING IN DISTANCE ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
"GOLDBERG BROS. OR62100."
OR62100.
OR62100.
Turn left at the first light.
Return to the gas station and
retrace your original route.
O-R...
You'll find your son where
you threw the money.
OR62100.
Turn left.
OR62100.
Turn left.
Turn left!
Turn
left!
Oh, forget it.
[ CICADAS CHIRPING ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ GRUNTS ]
OH, GIVE ME A BREAK!
[ SIGHS ]
[ SINGING IN FOREIGN
LANGUAGE ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
NOW, THE PROPER WAY TO BOIL
WATER IS TO HEAT IT FIRST.
HI, DAD.
OKAY, SON, COME IN, GIVE ME A
HAND WITH THAT CRAP HERE.
[ SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
NO?
[ SINGING CONTINUES ]
[ BREATHES HEAVILY ]
[ CLICKS ]
BUT THEN I WAS ONLY 17.
[ SIGHS ]
[ DIALING ]
RICHARD!
OH, EXCUSE ME. HELLO.
IS RICHARD THERE?
YES.
RICHARD.
RICHARD, IT'S JACQUES.
JACQUES BLINBAUM.
YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WELL, I'VE BEEN AWAY.
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, MY MAN?
YEAH. YEAH.
WELL, GOOD. [ CHUCKLES ]
YEAH, REMEMBER THE TIME YOU WENT
OVER TO THE CORNER AND YOU
SLAMMED THE SIDE OF THE TRUCK
AND THE DRIVER GOT OUT, THINKING
HE HIT SOMEBODY?
YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WELL, I'VE ALWAYS LIVED...
YES.
WELL, I'M THAT KIND OF PERSON,
TOO.
YEAH, I HAVE ALWAYS LIVED FROM
DAY TO DAY.
THAT'S THE WAY I LIVE.
I GIVE TIT FOR TAT.
THAT'S THE WAY I LIVE, AND I'M
ENTITLED TO A HELL OF A LOT OF
TAT FOR WHAT I GOT TO GIVE.
WELL, YES, IT'S LIKE PLAYING
BALL.
YOU THROW THE BALL TO SOMEONE,
AND THEY CATCH IT.
IF THEY DON'T CATCH IT, WELL,
THEN THEY MISSED THE BALL, SO
THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO THROW IT
BACK AND FORTH.
YOU THROW THE BALL HERE.
YOU THROW THE BALL THERE.
YOU THROW THE BALL HERE.
YOU THROW THE BALL THERE.
[ HUMMING RHYTHMICALLY ]
BUT, EVENTUALLY, EVERYBODY STOPS
AND TELLS THEMSELVES, "AH, WHO
GIVES A SHIT."
YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT THE
14th STREET DISASTER, HAVEN'T
YOU?
RICHARD?
RICHARD?
RICHARD?!
RICHARD?
OH, WHERE WERE YOU?
WAS I TALKING TO MYSELF ALL THIS
TIME?
AH, YEAH, YOUR MOTHER'S SKIN
DOES.
AH, I WON'T GO INTO THOSE OLD
RANKS.
YEAH, I KNOW THEY'RE TIRED.
WELL, YEAH, THAT'S FULL OF --
YOU'RE FULL OF IT.
WELL, NOW, BACK TO THE
14th STREET DISASTER.
IT CAVED IN.
IT'S AN OLDER NEWSPAPER.
NO, I WASN'T THERE.
I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH IT.
NO, I-I HEARD ABOUT IT FROM
FRIENDS.
HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WERE HURT.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
WHY WOULD I LIE TO YOU?
I MEAN, WHY WOULD I LIE TO YOU
IN MY POSITION?
EXACTLY.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
TOO.
[ INHALES DEEPLY ] BUT...
WAIT A MINUTE!
DON'T GO. WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT
INTERESTING ENOUGH?
YEAH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE NO
BODY?
Y-- OH, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
THOUGHT IN
THOSE
DIRECTIONS.
OH, EXCUSE ME. DON'T GET MAD.
WELL, LATER -- HOLD IT.
HOLD IT. WHO DO YOU HAVE THERE?
WHO'S IN BED NEXT TO YOU?
WHO? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
JUST TELL ME.
YEAH, I KNOW WHO IT IS.
IT'S THAT DOG.
UHHH...
WELL, NOBODY'S PERFECT.
I GUESSED WRONG.
YEAH, WELL, YOU'LL GET OVER IT.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S EASY TO
ENCOURAGE EVERYBODY ELSE.
YOU CAN ALWAYS SAY, "YOU'LL GET
OVER IT."
THAT'S THE EASIEST WAY TO
ENCOURAGE ANYBODY.
SOMEBODY GIVES YOU THEIR
PROBLEMS, AND YOU TELL THEM,
"YOU'LL GET OVER IT," BUT LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING, RICHARD.
DON'T EXPECT WHAT YOU DON'T
WANT.
YOU GET ME?
NO, THINK POSITIVE.
LAUGH AND BE HAPPY.
UH, BABA RAM DASS.
RIGHT.
NO, IT'S MONEY.
MONEY'S ALWAYS MY PROBLEM.
I HAVE TO FIND IT, NOT ASK FOR
IT.
I WORK
FOR IT.
I MEAN, I THINK MY FATHER SHOULD
GIVE IT TO ME, I MEAN, BECAUSE I
DESERVE IT.
I MEAN, HE HAD HIS FUN, AND I'M
THE PRICE HE HAS TO PAY FOR IT.
YES, THAT'S THE PRICE YOU HAVE
TO PAY FOR BEING BLESSED WITH
CHILDREN.
I'M HIS BLESSING ON THIS WORLD.
RIGHT.
WELL, UH, UH, FOR A WHILE, I WAS
LIVING ON MY FATHER'S AND THEN
MY LITTLE INHERITANCE AND SO ON
AND SO FORTH.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WELL, THE DEVASTATING THING IS
THAT DESPITE THE FACT THAT ALL
THIS MONEY RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO
ME, RICHARD, HE HAS TOTAL
CONTROL OF THE FUNDS.
AH, THAT OLD FRAUD LIVES...
THE LIFE OF EASE WHILE I SUFFER
IN WHAT AMOUNTS TO RELATIVE
DEPRIVATION.
IT ISN'T AN EASY LIFE, AND
DESPITE THE AGGRANDIZING
DELIGHTS OF SUBTLY SUFFERING
QUIETLY, I'M AFRAID I WAS NEVER
PROGRAMMED TO ADJUST TO SUCH
LARGE AND DEBILITATING CHANGES.
YES.
YOU KNOW, THERE IS ONLY ONE
THING TO DO.
GOODBYE.
[ GROWLING ]
[ GROWLING CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHS, WHOOSHING ]
[ GROWLING ]
[ GROWLING CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
[ ZIPPER ZIPPING ]
[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]
[ Ominous voice ] HOLD ME BACK!
[ LAUGHING ]
[ WHOOSHING ]
[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]
[ GROWLING ]
[ GROWLING CONTINUES ]
[ GROWLING CONTINUES ]
[ CLATTERS ]
[ WHOOSHING ]
[ GROWLING ]
A LIMOUSINE, PLEASE!
[ LAUGHS ]
EXCUSE ME.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET ME
CHANGE FOR THIS $100 BILL?
THANK YOU.
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
♪ MOTHER REUBEN, I'M NOT
FAKING ♪
♪ THOUGH YOU MAY THINK IT'S
STRANGE ♪
♪ BUT WINE AND WOMEN PLAY
♪ THE MISCHIEF WITH A BOY THAT'S
LOOSE WITH CHANGE ♪
♪ HOW YOU GONNA KEEP 'EM
♪ DOWN ON THE FARM
♪ AFTER THEY'VE SEEN PAREE?
♪ YEAH, HOW YOU GONNA KEEP 'EM
♪ AWAY FROM BROADWAY
♪ JAZZING AROUND
♪ ENJOYING THE TOWN?
♪ HOW YOU GONNA KEEP 'EM
♪ AWAY FROM HARM?
♪ THAT'S A MYSTERY
♪ IMAGINE REUBEN WHEN HE SEES
HIS PA ♪
♪ HE'LL HOLLER "WHOOP-DEE-DOO!"
AND "OOH-LA-LA!" ♪
♪ HOW YOU GONNA KEEP 'EM
♪ DOWN ON THE FARM
♪ AFTER THEY'VE SEEN PAREE?
THAT'S STINKS.
UH, AND I CAN'T DANCE EITHER.
[ CICADAS CHIRPING ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ DOOR CREAKS OPEN ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ DOOR CREAKING OPEN ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SNORING ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SNORING CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SNORING CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
LOOK AT THE MOUSE!
IT TRIES TO BE A RAT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE,
LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE,
LAUGHTER CONTINUE ]
WHOO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE,
LAUGHTER CONTINUE ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ CAR HORN HONKS ]
HEY, MISTER.
HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU THIS APPLE
AND YOU LET ME DO THAT, UM,
PAINTING?
I DON'T THINK SO.
OH, COME ON.
LOOK, IT'S FAIR.
I ONLY TOOK ONE BITE.
YOU PAINTED ALREADY HALF THE
FENCE.
COME ON.
CAN I USE THAT BRUSH?
LOOK, I-I'LL GET IT.
[ CAR HORN HONKS ]
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A
PAINTER?
20 YEARS.
YEAH?
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL FOR A FEW
YEARS.
I THINK PAINTING'S A NICE
PROFESSION AND EVERYTHING.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A PAINTER,
BUT I THINK I'D BETTER FIND MY
OWN JOB, AND I THINK I WANT MY
APPLE BACK.
THIS ISN'T SUCH A HOT DEAL.
♪ YOU'VE GOT NO ONE
♪ BUT YOURSELF TO BLAME
♪ THOUGH YOU MAY
♪ FIND REASONS TO COMPLAIN
♪ YOU'VE GOT NO ONE
♪ BUT YOURSELF
♪ YOU'VE GOT YOUR ANSWER
♪ WELL, I'VE GOT MINE
♪ THERE'S NOTHING TO STOP YOU
♪ FROM LEAVING THIS ALL BEHIND
♪ YOU'VE GOT NO ONE
♪ BUT YOURSELF
♪ IT'S YOUR LIFE
♪ DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
♪ DON'T COME TO ME SAYING, "LOOK
AT WHAT THEY PUT ME THROUGH" ♪
♪ YO-O-O-O-U'VE
♪ GOT NOTHING
♪ BUT YOUR MIND TO LOSE
♪ THERE'S A TIME AND A PLACE
♪ WHEN WE ALL MUST REFUSE
♪ YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
♪ BUT YOUR MIND
♪ IT'S YOUR LIFE
♪ DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
♪ DON'T COME TO ME SAYING, "LOOK
AT WHAT THEY PUT ME THROUGH" ♪
[ VOCALIZING ]
YEARS AGO, I USED TO PLAY IN
A BRASS BAND.
YEAH?
AND I USED TO PLAY A FLUTE
PICCOLO.
I'M A SUCKER FOR BRASS.
OH, BOY, BUT I DIDN'T PLAY
BRASS.
I PLAYED A FLUTE PICCOLO.
THAT'S A REED, NOT A BRASS,
NOTHING LIKE A TROMBONE OR A
CORNET OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
THIS IS JUST A LITTLE PIECE OF,
UH, WOOD LIKE THAT.
YOU CAN'T MUSIC LIKE THAT IN
A DAY JUST LIKE BRASS AND
PICCOLO, I GUESS.
OH, NO, YOU COULDN'T MIX THEM
UP.
RIGHT.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
BETTE MIDLER?
I NEVER HEARD OF HER, NO,
BUT, UH --
YEAH, SHE'S A TOUGH KID.
SHE REALLY WORKS HARD, YOU KNOW?
OH?
YEAH, I MEET HER IN
CENTRAL PARK AT THE
LITTLE RICHARD CONCERT.
SHE SNUCK UP IN FRONT OF ME, BUT
THEN WE BECAME FRIENDS.
AND SHE FRIGHTENED YOU,
DIDN'T SHE, HUH?
WHAT?
SHE FRIGHTENED YOU, DIDN'T
SHE, HUH?
NO, SHE DIDN'T FRIGHTEN ME.
SHE TOOK YOU UNAWARES,
THOUGH, DIDN'T SHE?
SHE SNUCK UP IN FRONT OF ME.
SHE'S FAST.
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S SOMETHING, BUT I'LL TELL
YOU...
YEAH.
...ALL OF THESE NAMES HERE
ARE, UH...
WELL, THERE'S THE ONLY NAME I
REMEMBER -- JOHNNY DENVER.
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ CAR HORNS HONKING ]
♪ YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
♪ BUT YOUR MIND TO LOSE
♪ THERE'S A TIME AND A PLACE
♪ WHEN WE ALL MUST REFUSE
♪ YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
♪ BUT YOUR MIND
♪ IT'S YOUR LIFE
♪ DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
♪ DON'T COME TO ME SAYING, "LOOK
AT WHAT THEY PUT ME THROUGH ♪
♪ OOH, YO-O-O-O-U'VE
♪ GOT NOTHING
♪ BUT YOUR MIND TO LOSE
♪ THOUGH YOU MAY
♪ FIND REASONS TO COMPLAIN
♪ YOU'VE GOT NO ONE
♪ BUT YOURSELF
♪ YOU GOT NO ONE
♪ BUT YOURSELF
[ VOCALIZES ]
[ VOCALIZES ]
[ VOCALIZES ]
HEY.
[ VOCALIZES ]
I SAID I'M GONNA JUMP!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
I DON'T CARE!
I'M TIRED OF LOOKING AT
CONCRETE!
IN THIS LOUSY LIFE, YOU GOT TO
PAY FOR THE BONE WITH THE LAMB
CHOP!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO
PAY FOR THAT BONE, AND THE --
AND THE BUTCHER KNOWS YOU'RE NOT
GONNA EAT IT, BUT HE CHARGES YOU
FOR IT ANYWAY!
I'M GONNA JUMP!
I'M TIRED OF WEARING BLACK TO BE
HEAVY!
A MAN'S JUMPING!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
YOU BETTER NOT SEND ANYBODY
UP HERE!
I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
SHH!
KICK YOU IN THE FOOT, SHOT IN
THE PANTS.
[ SIGHS ]
[ SHOUTS ]
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
YEAH? "DON'T JUMP."
YOU AIN'T PAYING MY RENT!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE ]
[ WINCING ]
[ GROANS ]
AH FONGOOL!
GOD DAMN!
SH...
THEY CALL THIS A JUMPSUIT?!
MAN, IT DIDN'T EVEN LAST ONE
JUMP!
[ BUZZES ]
I WANTED MY FRIEND TO WRITE A
MONOLOGUE FOR ME.
I WANTED HIM TO WRITE ME THREE
NEAT, CLEAN, COMPACT PARAGRAPHS
ON THE BEAUTY OF
SELF-INDULGENCE.
I WANTED HIM TO WRITE SOMETHING
ON HOLLOW AND, UH, HANG-UPS AND
SELF-INDULGENCE, ON HANNIBAL AND
HIS HANG-UPS AND
SELF-INDULGENCE.
I WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW HOW
BIG IT WAS.
I WANTED HIM TO KNOW THAT
SELF-INDULGENCE HAS STYLE.
AND NOW WHAT I WANT TO KNOW
IS...
IS WHY HE LAUGHED IN MY FACE.
WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE?
WE'RE ARTISTS.
THAT'S A COINCIDENCE.
I'M AN ARTIST, TOO.
[ LAUGHING ]
OH, YEAH?
WATCH THIS.
[ WARBLING ]
THAT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, BUT
I GOT TO SPLIT.
[ ENGINE REVVING,
TIRES SCREECHING ]
[ ENGINES REVVING ]
[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
[ ENGINES REVVING ]
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
THANK YOU.
YOU LIKE THIS TABLE?
OH, IT'S PERFECT.
THANK YOU.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
JACQUES -- JACQUES BLINBAUM.
B-L-I-N-B-A-U-M.
READY FOR THE WINE?
YES. THANK YOU.
WHAT KIND IS IT?
IT'S A FRENCH WINE.
OH, YEAH?
...FOR THE HELP HERE,
JACQUES.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
AIN'T YOU GOT NO RIPPLE?
SURE WE DO, SIR.
I'LL BRING IT TO YOU.
OH, GOOD.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU GIRLS
WON THE INTERNATIONAL.
WE DID GREAT IN THE
TOURNAMENT.
DID YOU KNOW ABOUT
THAT...TOURNAMENT...
IN SPITE OF THE RAIN?
WE PLAYED IN THE RAIN.
IT WAS REALLY INCREDIBLE.
I'M SO HAPPY...REALLY AWFUL.
DID YOU GET VERY WET?
WET? OH!
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S A GOOD ONE!
IT IS. JUST SOAKED.
[ LAUGHS ]
SHE WAS TOTALLY SOAKED.
YOU HEARD ME, I THINK, BECAUSE
IT WAS VERY FUNNY.
IT'S FUNNY PEOPLE LISTEN TO
YOUR CONVERSATIONS.
AIN'T IT STRANGE?
WELL, UH...
PROBABLY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DON'T TALK TOO LOUD...
HE IS.
WHO?
RIGHT BEHIND HIM.
[ LAUGHING ]
THAT'S HIM.
IT IS. IT'S JACQUES.
I'M SURE YOU'RE WRONG.
FOUR YEARS I SPENT SITTING
NEXT TO HIM.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
OF COURSE THAT'S HIM.
I'LL BET YOU THAT'S HIM.
YOU'RE ON.
IT'S HIM.
LET'S GO LOOK.
LET'S ASK HIM.
WE'LL SEE.
WELL, THEY DON'T CALL ME
"SUEDE" FOR NOTHING.
EXCUSE ME, JACQUES.
HELLO. IT'S JEFFREY -- JEFFREY
AND JOAN.
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
EXCUSE ME, MONSIEUR.
I'M SORRY.
[ GASPS ]
Shh!
[ LAUGHS ]
Shh!
BOY, HAS THIS PLACE CHANGED.
I'LL SAY.
Shh, shh!
BY THE WAY...
HAVE YOU TRIED THIS YET?
WHAT?
[ Deep voice ] DUCK!
YES, THE DUCK WAS GOOD.
BUT HAVE YOU TRIED THESE
PEACHES?
THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
JUST ONE OF THE LITTLE THINGS
THAT BOTHERS HER.
AND I TOLD HER.
I SAID, "I'LL SPEAK TO BARBARA
ABOUT IT, BECAUSE, AFTER ALL --"
EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN.
ONCE IN A WHILE...
EVERY SILVER LINING HAS
CLOUDS.
WHEN THEY'RE READY, THEY'LL
SURPRISE US.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE?
SEE THAT IDIOT, WHAT HE DID?
WHAT?
WAITER, THESE BEANS CLASH.
THEY AREN'T FIT TO STAIN MY
CLOTHING.
TAKE THEM AWAY, PLEASE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
♪ LIKE A SHIP AT SEA
♪ I'M JUST LOST IN A FOG
♪ LA, DA, DA, DA, DA
♪ WHAT CAN I DO?
♪ NA, DA, DA, DA, DA
♪ I'M JUST LOST IN A FOG
WITHOUT -- ♪
WHOA, WHOA.
I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE THAT
BAD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS CAKE.
HOW RUDE!
WAITER!
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR
DINNER.
IT WAS INEDIBLE.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME. COME AGAIN.
THANK YOU!
[ POUNDING RHYTHMICALLY ]
[ HORN HONKS ]
[ HORN HONKS ]
[ FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
I GOT IT!
FIVE BUCKS.
ONCE UPON A TIME...
IN A VERY FAR AND DISTANT
LAND...
THERE WAS...
A MAGICAL KINGDOM.
SOME LIKENED IT TO BAGHDAD...
WHILE OTHERS...
CALLED IT...
OZ.
YET THERE WERE THOSE WHO SIMPLY
BREATHED...
Manhattan.
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
[ CAR HORNS HONKING ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
[ LAUGHS ]
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ CAR HORNS HONKING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
THE HOTEL WAS IN THE KREMLIN,
SEE?
WE LOST THE --
BOSS, BOSS, I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO GET YOU FOR TWO DAYS ALREADY
TO SIGN THESE LEGAL PAPERS,
PLEASE?
STANLEY, STANLEY, PLEASE.
LATER, STANELY -- THE LATER, THE
BETTER!
LIKE I SAID, BEFORE I HAD...
[ CAR HORN HONKS ]
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS BOTHER HIM?
HE'S A BUSY MAN.
I DON'T WHY HE KEEPS PUTTING
IT OFF.
[ INDISTINCT TALKING, LAUGHTER ]
THERE'S NO RESPECT FROM HIM.
HEY, THIS LOOKS LIKE THE
TOILET.
I KNOW.
OH, WOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOUR FATHER COULD DEAL WITH
THE MAN.
THE KID -- NOTHING.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THE CHANGES HAVE TO COME.
[ TALKING, LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
THEY GOT TO COME FROM THE TOP.
I WANT THESE CHANGES.
HEY, UH, BOSS...
[ TALKING, LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
WOW.
I GOT TO SHOW HIM WHERE WE'RE
GOING.
I LIKE YOU.
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
WHEN CAN WE EAT?
WE'RE GOING TO EAT IN A
LITTLE WHILE.
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
BUT FIRST, WE'RE GOING UP TO
THE SUITE.
[ WOMAN SHOUTS ]
I AIN'T EATEN IN AN HOUR,
BOSS.
CAREFUL OF THOSE THINGS.
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
CAREFUL, BOSS, WE'RE HAVING
SOME...
I CAN'T HOLD OUT MUCH LONGER,
BOSS.
DON'T EXPECT WHAT YOU DON'T
WANT.
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
BOSS, BOSS.
YES, CALVERT?
YOU KNOW THAT GUY THAT'S BEEN
GIVING YOU TROUBLE?
YES.
WELL, CAN I TAKE CARE OF HIM
FOR YOU?
UH, PERHAPS LATER, CALVERT.
THANK YOU.
[ INDISTINCT TALKING, LAUGHTER ]
GAVE THE TALK TO HIS NEPHEW.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
[ TALKING, LAUGHTER STOPS ]
NOT NOW -- LATER.
NO, I THINK NOW IS THE RIGHT
TIME.
WHY CAN'T IT WAIT?
IT CANNOT WAIT.
I CAME A LONG WAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SIR, AGH!
YOU'RE STEPPING ON MY FOOT!
I DEMAND AN APOLOGY, SIR!
APOLOGIZE UP THE [SPUTTERS]
HEY, BOSS?
[ WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]
HEY, BOSS?
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT I DO WITH HIS GUY?
GORDITO, PUT HIM BACK.
YOU KNOW, IT'S, UH,
CUCUMBERS, UH, LETTUCE, WHATEVER
THERE IS AVAILABLE.
ANY OTHER, UH, VEGETABLES?
WELL, RADISHES, WHATEVER'S
GONNA BE COMING UP.
HORSERADISHES?
HORSERADISHES?
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
[ WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]
ALIMENTARY CANAL.
HMM?
39 ACROSS.
[ WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]
UH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
DON'T MENTION IT.
"SHOULD WICKED WANDA BREAK
PASTA WITH THE MAFIA?"
HMM.
"SEX -- FUN WITH IT."
OH, MY GOD!
[ WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]
OKAY.
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, GONNA DO IT WITHOUT US!
[ LAUGHS ]
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
I GOT SOME GUM.
DO YOU WANT SOME GUM?
[ WOMEN LAUGH ]
[ GRUNTS ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
OH, THIS IS REALLY FANCY
HERE.
I TELL YOU, IT'S...
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
[ WOMAN LAUGHS ]
[ SNORING ]
[ WOMEN LAUGH ]
[ KEY CLATTERS ]
[ INDISTINCT SINGING ]
OH, I'M GONNA HAVE ONE OF
THOSE NIGHTS TODAY!
OH!
All: OOH!
NICE, HUH?
YEAH.
OOH!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
TEDDY BEAR.
YES?
PUT THIS IN SOME GLASSES FOR
US, HUH?
OH, GOODY, WE'RE GONNA GET A
LITTLE TIPSY.
HEY, GORDITO, HOW ABOUT A
GAME OF CLUE?
I DON'T PLAY CLUE.
WELL, I'LL TEACH YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME, BOSS, I GOT TO GET
THE CLUE.
YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU REALLY
LIKE ME BETTER NOW, THOUGH.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
OH. [ MUMBLING ]
YOU KNOW, MICHAEL, I REALLY
LIKE YOU.
I MEAN, I REALLY, REALLY DO AS A
PERSON.
HON, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A
WALK?
WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME?
DO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY?
NO.
I THINK
YOU'RE
PRETTY.
DON'T YOU THINK I'M PRETTY?
NO, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LOOK
AT YOU.
CAN'T YOU THINK I'M PRETTY IF
I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY?
I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY TIME TO
LOOK AT YOU.
THAT'S ALL.
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
CAN I SIT ON YOUR LAP?
THEN YOU'LL LIKE ME BETTER.
NO, I'D RATHER YOU DIDN'T.
THEN YOU'LL LIKE ME BETTER.
WHY DON'T YOU
RELAX?
OH, COME ON!
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
YOU RELAX.
NOW, ISN'T THAT BETTER?
THE BOSS HAS GOT GOOD LIQUOR,
YOU KNOW?
DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?
DON'T YOU, HUH?
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A BIG
SMILE AND SHOW ME YOUR
INTELLECTUAL TEETH?
[ SINGING CONTINUES ]
WEIGH A TON.
WHAT?!
I GOT HIM, DARLING.
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EVEN PLAY
THIS GAME.
HE KNOWS HOW TO PLAY.
COME OFF IT.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ TALKING CONTINUES ]
BANG, BANG! STICK 'EM UP!
[ LAUGHS ]
WHERE'S THE OTHER GUYS?
WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER GUYS?
[ LAUGHS ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
OOH!
IN RATHER DARK AND NEFARIOUS
GATHERINGS, I'M KNOWN AS
"THE FALCON."
[ BLOWS ]
UPTOWN...
EL HALCóN.
AND THIS...
WELL, IT ALL BEGAN A LONG TIME
AGO [INHALES DEEPLY] WHEN THE
WORLD WAS VERY PREJUDICED AS IT
STILL IS, AND MULATTOS ENTERED
THEIR DELIQUESCENCE ON MERE
INSTINCT ALONE.
I WAS ONLY 17.
I HAD YET TO LEAVE HOME.
AND MY FATHER WAS STILL TELLING
ME, "SO STRONG THE URGE TO
IMMORTALIZE HIMSELF BEATS IN THE
BREAST OF MAN THAT EVEN A FEW
TRANSIENT YEARS REAPED FROM THE
ABYSS ABSORBED OF BLANK
OBLIVION SEEM A GLORIOUS PRIZE,
EVEN TO A CLOWN."
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING US?
HI, RICARDO.
YEAH, YOU WANT TO GO TO THE
MOVIES?
YEAH, RIGHT.
OKAY. NO, NO, I SAW THAT ONE.
YEAH, I SAW -- OH, I SAW THAT,
TOO -- OUTRAGEOUS!
YEAH, I SAW THAT -- VERY SEVERE.
YEAH, I SAW THAT ONE.
I DIDN'T LIKE IT, NO.
YEAH, RIGHT.
NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE NO
PORNO.
I WANT TO CR-- I WANT TO SEE A
MOVIE THAT MAKES ME CRY.
YOU KNOW, I-I DON'T CRY WHEN I
GO TO SEE PORNO MOVIES.
NO, I JUST KIND OF SIT THERE,
YOU KNOW, PUSHING THE -- OH
[MUTTERS]
WELL, UH, YOU KNOW, WELL, I WANT
TO CRY 'CAUSE -- YES, RIGHT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
SO I'M INTO EMOTIONAL S&M,
RIGHT?
OFF THE WALL!
I SAW IT. YEAH.
OH, THAT WAS LOV-- LET ME DISH.
I SAW THAT.
STOP!
MM, MICHAEL WOULD LOVE IT.
I HATE HIS MOVIES.
MAN, I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM WHEN
HE WAS YOUNG.
THEY USED TO SHOOT HIM THROUGH
GAUZE.
YEAH, THEY SHOOT HIM THROUGH A
BLANKET NOW.
YEAH, THEY SHOULD DO THAT MAN A
FAVOR AND SHOOT HIM THROUGH A
SILENCER.
WELL, YEAH, YOU WISH.
...THE COFFEE'S BEEN GREAT.
WELL, EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE
AN ACTOR.
YEAH, AN ARTIST OR SOMETHING.
OH, I SAW THAT! THAT WAS BOSS!
YEAH, YOU'RE FULL OF IT.
THAT WAS BOSS.
YEAH, YEAH,
"DON'T MESS WITH BILL."
I'LL RANK YOU SO SLOW, YOU'LL
HAVE TO LOOK UP TO LOOK
DOWN.
[ LAUGHS ]
I HAVE IT ON.
LATER FOR YOU.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL PICK YOU UP IN
10 MINUTES IN FRONT OF YOUR
HOUSE.
LATER.
NOW, HOW DO YOU MAKE A
GIRDLE...
[ CLICK ]
...THAT'S COMFORTABLE FOR HOURS
EVEN BETTER?
[ SIGHS ]
EXTRA TUMMY CONTROL.
[ SNORES ]
YEP, PLAYTEX ADDED A LARGER
FIRMING PANEL TO THAT
COMFORTABLE...
UH...
...18-HOUR GIRDLE...
[ SNORES ]
OH, THIS. MY BEARD.
...WITH EXTRA TUMMY CONTROL.
WELL, WHAT'D YOU THINK I WAS
GONNA DO -- SHAVE IT OFF?
GIVE ME A BREAK.
USE YOUR IMAGINATION.
MA!
I'M SPLITTING.
I'M GOING TO THE MOVIES.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE
SPLITTING?
LIKE A PERIMYSIUM, I'M
SPLITTING!
LISTEN, JACKIE, DID YOU HANG
UP EVERYTHING?
YEAH, I HUNG UP EVERYTHING.
I THINK --
JACQUES, YOU HAVE BEEN OUT
LAST NIGHT, AND YOU HAVE BEEN
OUT THE NIGHT BEFORE AND THE
NIGHT BEFORE THAT AND THE NIGHT
BEFORE THAT.
I WANT YOU TO STAY HOME TONIGHT
WITH YOUR MOTHER.
YEAH, BUT I WANT TO GO TO THE
MOVIES AND LEARN SOMETHING.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU WANT TO GO
TO THE MOVIES AND LEARN
SOMETHING.
WE HAVE A MARVELOUS, MARVELOUS
TELEVISION.
YEAH, I KNOW, BUT YOU TOLD ME
YOURSELF, SO STRONG THE URGE TO
IMMORTALIZE HIMSELF...
[ SIGHS ]
...BEATS IN THE BREAST OF MAN
THAT EVEN A FEW TRANSIENT YEARS
REAPED FROM THE ABYSS ABSORBED
OF BLANK OBLIVION SEEM A
GLORIOUS PRIZE --
ASIDE FROM THAT, JACKIE, I
MEAN IT.
DID YOU PICK UP EVERYTHING OFF
THE FLOOR?
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REFERRING
TO.
YES, I PICKED UP EVERYTHING,
YEAH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS LEAVING YOUR
UNDERWEAR ON THE FLOOR, AND I'M
TIRED OF PICKING IT UP.
WELL, I PICKED IT ALL UP.
YOU DID?
SO EVERYTHING'S FINE, AND I'M
GONNA GO MEET RICARDO.
I'M PICKING HIM UP IN 10
MINUTES, AND YOU'RE GONNA SPEND
THE EVENING AT HOME, RIGHT?
YEAH, GIVE HIM MY BEST
REGARDS.
EXCUSE ME?
GIVE HIM MY BEST REGARDS.
THANKS, AND --
JACKIE, HAVE YOU GOT ANY
MONEY?
AND THANKS TO THE $5 YOU GAVE
ME.
SO, UH, HAVE A NICE EVENING, AND
I'M OFF.
LATER -- I'VE GOT TO GO.
THANKS FOR THE $5.
DRIVE CAREFULLY, SON.
LATER.
YEAH, DRIVE CAREFULLY, DRIVE
CAREFULLY!
I HATE
CARS.
I PREFER A HORSE.
A HORSE IS MORE
HUMAN.
[ WHISTLING ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ PLANE WHIRRING OVERHEAD ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
YOU MEAN YOU ONLY GAVE HIM
$5?
SUPPOSE HE HAS A FLAT OR RUNS
OUT OF GAS.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
I WANT TO WATCH TV.
OH, NATHAN, ALL YOU EVER DO
IS WATCH TV OR SLEEP.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
THE CHARM OF YOUR SAD, LITTLE
MONOLOGUE IS PETERING OUT.
I DO NOT ELECT TO CONVERSE WITH
YOU ANY LONGER.
CAN I NEVER SQUEEZE IN A WORD OR
TWO EVERY NOW AND THEN?
YOU BABBLE ON AND ON AND ON AND
ON.
WOMEN HERE GET AWAY WITH MURDER.
IN EUROPE, HE KEEPS THEM
PREGNANT AND BAREFOOT AND LET
THEM EAT UNDER THE TABLE WHERE
THEY SO RICHLY BELONG.
YOU AND PA, MA, HAVE BOWLED
ME OVER.
WELL, THAT'S...
YOU'RE SUCH AN ARISTOCRAT,
NATHAN.
[ SNORES ]
[ EERIE WHIRRING ]
SCIENCE-FICTION WEEK
CONTINUES WITH
"THE X FROM OUTER SPACE."
I GOT AN ELECTRIC SHOCK.
[ SNORES ]
ELECTRICITY? ARE YOU SURE?
DOC, IF THERE'S ONE THING I
DO KNOW...
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
...IT'S WHAT AN ELECTRIC SHOCK
FEELS LIKE.
[ RINGING CONTINUES ]
IT MUST BE AN ELECTRICALLY
CHARGED FIELD.
HELLO?
FORCE-FIELD BARRIER.
RICHARD.
I'M GLAD YOU CALLED.
JACQUES? NO, HE LEFT.
WE'LL GO WITH YOU.
HE LEFT TO GO TO THE MOVIES.
WITH
YOU.
WELL, THAT'S FUNNY.
SEEMS WE HAVE VERY LITTLE
CHOICE.
HE LEFT -- LET ME SEE NOW.
JUST A MOMENT.
I SYMPATHIZE WITH YOUR
FRUSTRATIONS.
07, 71, SEAL THE OPENING.
[ SNORES ]
HE LEFT -- IT MUST BE ABOUT
AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO.
67, LET US THROUGH.
[ SNORES ]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ]
ALL RIGHT, RICHARD, I'LL HAVE
HIM CALL YOU WHEN HE COMES IN.
YES, GOODBYE.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ SNORES ]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SNORES ]
GOOD.
[ SNORES ]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SNORES ]
NATHAN?
[ SNORES ]
NATHAN?
[ SNORES ]
[ REMOTE CLICKING ]
YEAH, WHAT?
RICHARD JUST CALLED.
I PHONED HIM BACK.
NOT THAT RICHARD -- JACKIE'S
FRIEND RICHARD!
SO
WHAT?
"SO WHAT?"!
JACKIE HAD A MOVIE DATE WITH HIM
AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO, AND HE
HASN'T SHOWN UP.
OH, LEAVE ME ALONE, WILL YOU?
STOP PLAYING WITH THAT TV
SET!
[ CLICKING CONTINUES ]
OH, YOU!
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
COME ON, NATHAN, HURRY UP!
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY
RICHARD CALLED ME.
HE NEVER CALLS, SO WHY SHOULD HE
SUDDENLY CALL ME NOW UNLESS
SOMETHING REALLY HAPPENED?
I'M TELLING YOU.
YEAH.
OH, MY GOD!
OH, THIS IS CHLOROFORM!
OH, YEAH?
SMELL IT!
GOOD.
YEAH, SURE, IT'S CHLOROFORM.
AND HIS HAT!
MY GOD, WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED
TO JACKIE?!
WHAT COULD'VE TEMPTED JACKIE?
WHAT COULD'VE HAPPENED TO
JACKIE?
WELL, HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE
GONE TO THE MOVIES TWO HOURS
AGO!
YES, HE'S SUPPOSED TO GO TO
THE MOVIES TWO HOURS AGO.
BUT LET'S GO CALL THE POLICE!
JUST CALL THE POLICE!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
CAN YOU NEVER SHUT UP FOR A
MOMENT?!
SO IT'S CHLOROFORM!
I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE EXASPERATING, AND NOT
ONLY THAT, YOU'VE DESTROYED THE
EVIDENCE!
YEAH, I'VE DESTROYED THE
EVIDENCE, YEAH!
I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE
ANYWAY!
ANYWAY!
YAKITY, YAKITY, YAK, OLD BITCH,
YOU.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ ENGINE CUTS ]
[ WHISTLING ]
[ DIALING ]
HELLO?
WESTERN UNION?
I'D LIKE TO SEND A TELEGRAM.
YES, TO
MR. AND MRS. N. BLINBAUM.
BLINBAUM ACRES, LOCUST VALLEY,
NEW YORK.
YES.
"DEAR MR. AND MRS. BLINBAUM, WE
HAVE KIDNAPPED" -- YES,
KIDNAPPED -- "YOUR SON,
JACQUES" -- J-A-C-Q-U-E-S --
"AND ARE HOLDING HIM FOR
$200,000."
NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
MAKE THAT
$250,000.
YES, 2-5-0...
THOUSAND.
[ CHUCKLES ] STOP.
YES.
"IF YOU WISH TO SEE YOUR SON
ALIVE AGAIN, YOU WILL TAKE THE
ABOVE-MENTIONED SUM AND" -- SUM,
S-U-M.
SUM.
"TAKE THE ABOVE-MENTIONED SUM
AND BE IN THE PHONE BOOTH AT THE
GAS STATION ON THE CORNER OF
GUINEA WOODS ROAD AND THE
LONG ISLAND EXPRESSWAY AT 6:00
P.M. TOMORROW EVENING."
STOP.
"YOU WILL RECEIVE A CALL THERE
WITH FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS."
STOP.
IF YOU CALL THE POLICE, WE WILL,
OF COURSE...
KILL
YOUR SON."
THAT'S RIGHT.
"WITH SINCERE RESPECT, WE
REMAIN...
THE KIDNAPPERS."
THAT'S RIGHT -- THE
KIDNAPPERS.
RIGHT. UM...
COULD YOU READ THAT BACK TO ME,
PLEASE?
RIGHT. YEAH, RIGHT.
RIGHT, EXPRESS...
LONG ISLAND EXPRESSWAY, RIGHT.
[ MURMURING ]
[ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ]
RIGHT.
OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD, YES.
OKAY, THANK YOU.
UH, HOW MUCH WILL THAT BE,
PLEASE?
HOW MUCH?!
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
YES, OF COURSE. HERE IT COMES.
25.
50.
75.
DOLLAR.
$1.25.
$1.50.
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
[ CAR HORN HONKING ]
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]
[ CAR HORN HONKS ]
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
HELLO?
[ Ominous voice ] Blinbaum.
YES.
WHO AM I TALKING ABOUT?
Your son.
I MEAN, WHO AM I TALKING TO?
The
kidnappers.
HMM?
The kidnappers!
WILL YOU KINDLY REPEAT THAT?
Ze kidnappers!
WHO?
The bad guys!
OH, I SEE.
WELL, WHERE -- WHERE ARE THE
INSTRUCTIONS EXACTLY?
WHERE SHOULD I GO?
West.
WELL, BE A LITTLE BIT MORE
EXPRESSIVE.
UH, EQUATORIAL AFRICA, WHAT?
HMM?
Go west, young man.
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, WE
WENT THROUGH ALL THIS.
You have the money?
I KNOW, I KNOW.
YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THE MONEY.
I'M INTERESTED IN MY SON.
HMM?
An interest shared by few!
I'VE NEVER HEARD YOUR VOICE.
YOU SOUND SO STRANGE.
WILL YOU PLEASE REPEAT WHAT YOU
SAID?
What?
I SAID, WILL YOU PLEASE
REPEAT YOUR INSTRUCTIONS?
I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH YOUR
VOICE.
Mr. Blinbaum?
YEAH, IT IS ME.
Don't look suspicious.
MM-HMM. WHERE IS MY SON?
Shh!
I SAID, WHERE IS MY SON?
Start paying attention!
WHERE IS MY SON?
Be quiet! Listen!
ALL RIGHT, THEN, REPEAT THE
INSTRUCTIONS.
Do you know the Expressway?
YES.
Can you tell east from west?
YES.
Will you be a good boy?
ALL RIGHT.
Proceed west on 495.
2.5 miles.
When you get to the sign that
says Shelter Rock Road, pull
over.
Engage the emergency break.
Good.
Now take the money and throw it
into the woods.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
At the next exit, please, if you
would be so kind as to do just
that, exit.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ HORN HONKING IN DISTANCE ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
"GOLDBERG BROS. OR62100."
OR62100.
OR62100.
Turn left at the first light.
Return to the gas station and
retrace your original route.
O-R...
You'll find your son where
you threw the money.
OR62100.
Turn left.
OR62100.
Turn left.
Turn left!
Turn
left!
Oh, forget it.
[ CICADAS CHIRPING ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ GRUNTS ]
OH, GIVE ME A BREAK!
[ SIGHS ]
[ SINGING IN FOREIGN
LANGUAGE ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
NOW, THE PROPER WAY TO BOIL
WATER IS TO HEAT IT FIRST.
HI, DAD.
OKAY, SON, COME IN, GIVE ME A
HAND WITH THAT CRAP HERE.
[ SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
NO?
[ SINGING CONTINUES ]
[ BREATHES HEAVILY ]
[ CLICKS ]
BUT THEN I WAS ONLY 17.
[ SIGHS ]
[ DIALING ]
RICHARD!
OH, EXCUSE ME. HELLO.
IS RICHARD THERE?
YES.
RICHARD.
RICHARD, IT'S JACQUES.
JACQUES BLINBAUM.
YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WELL, I'VE BEEN AWAY.
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, MY MAN?
YEAH. YEAH.
WELL, GOOD. [ CHUCKLES ]
YEAH, REMEMBER THE TIME YOU WENT
OVER TO THE CORNER AND YOU
SLAMMED THE SIDE OF THE TRUCK
AND THE DRIVER GOT OUT, THINKING
HE HIT SOMEBODY?
YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WELL, I'VE ALWAYS LIVED...
YES.
WELL, I'M THAT KIND OF PERSON,
TOO.
YEAH, I HAVE ALWAYS LIVED FROM
DAY TO DAY.
THAT'S THE WAY I LIVE.
I GIVE TIT FOR TAT.
THAT'S THE WAY I LIVE, AND I'M
ENTITLED TO A HELL OF A LOT OF
TAT FOR WHAT I GOT TO GIVE.
WELL, YES, IT'S LIKE PLAYING
BALL.
YOU THROW THE BALL TO SOMEONE,
AND THEY CATCH IT.
IF THEY DON'T CATCH IT, WELL,
THEN THEY MISSED THE BALL, SO
THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO THROW IT
BACK AND FORTH.
YOU THROW THE BALL HERE.
YOU THROW THE BALL THERE.
YOU THROW THE BALL HERE.
YOU THROW THE BALL THERE.
[ HUMMING RHYTHMICALLY ]
BUT, EVENTUALLY, EVERYBODY STOPS
AND TELLS THEMSELVES, "AH, WHO
GIVES A SHIT."
YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT THE
14th STREET DISASTER, HAVEN'T
YOU?
RICHARD?
RICHARD?
RICHARD?!
RICHARD?
OH, WHERE WERE YOU?
WAS I TALKING TO MYSELF ALL THIS
TIME?
AH, YEAH, YOUR MOTHER'S SKIN
DOES.
AH, I WON'T GO INTO THOSE OLD
RANKS.
YEAH, I KNOW THEY'RE TIRED.
WELL, YEAH, THAT'S FULL OF --
YOU'RE FULL OF IT.
WELL, NOW, BACK TO THE
14th STREET DISASTER.
IT CAVED IN.
IT'S AN OLDER NEWSPAPER.
NO, I WASN'T THERE.
I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH IT.
NO, I-I HEARD ABOUT IT FROM
FRIENDS.
HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WERE HURT.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
WHY WOULD I LIE TO YOU?
I MEAN, WHY WOULD I LIE TO YOU
IN MY POSITION?
EXACTLY.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
TOO.
[ INHALES DEEPLY ] BUT...
WAIT A MINUTE!
DON'T GO. WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT
INTERESTING ENOUGH?
YEAH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE NO
BODY?
Y-- OH, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
THOUGHT IN
THOSE
DIRECTIONS.
OH, EXCUSE ME. DON'T GET MAD.
WELL, LATER -- HOLD IT.
HOLD IT. WHO DO YOU HAVE THERE?
WHO'S IN BED NEXT TO YOU?
WHO? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
JUST TELL ME.
YEAH, I KNOW WHO IT IS.
IT'S THAT DOG.
UHHH...
WELL, NOBODY'S PERFECT.
I GUESSED WRONG.
YEAH, WELL, YOU'LL GET OVER IT.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S EASY TO
ENCOURAGE EVERYBODY ELSE.
YOU CAN ALWAYS SAY, "YOU'LL GET
OVER IT."
THAT'S THE EASIEST WAY TO
ENCOURAGE ANYBODY.
SOMEBODY GIVES YOU THEIR
PROBLEMS, AND YOU TELL THEM,
"YOU'LL GET OVER IT," BUT LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING, RICHARD.
DON'T EXPECT WHAT YOU DON'T
WANT.
YOU GET ME?
NO, THINK POSITIVE.
LAUGH AND BE HAPPY.
UH, BABA RAM DASS.
RIGHT.
NO, IT'S MONEY.
MONEY'S ALWAYS MY PROBLEM.
I HAVE TO FIND IT, NOT ASK FOR
IT.
I WORK
FOR IT.
I MEAN, I THINK MY FATHER SHOULD
GIVE IT TO ME, I MEAN, BECAUSE I
DESERVE IT.
I MEAN, HE HAD HIS FUN, AND I'M
THE PRICE HE HAS TO PAY FOR IT.
YES, THAT'S THE PRICE YOU HAVE
TO PAY FOR BEING BLESSED WITH
CHILDREN.
I'M HIS BLESSING ON THIS WORLD.
RIGHT.
WELL, UH, UH, FOR A WHILE, I WAS
LIVING ON MY FATHER'S AND THEN
MY LITTLE INHERITANCE AND SO ON
AND SO FORTH.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WELL, THE DEVASTATING THING IS
THAT DESPITE THE FACT THAT ALL
THIS MONEY RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO
ME, RICHARD, HE HAS TOTAL
CONTROL OF THE FUNDS.
AH, THAT OLD FRAUD LIVES...
THE LIFE OF EASE WHILE I SUFFER
IN WHAT AMOUNTS TO RELATIVE
DEPRIVATION.
IT ISN'T AN EASY LIFE, AND
DESPITE THE AGGRANDIZING
DELIGHTS OF SUBTLY SUFFERING
QUIETLY, I'M AFRAID I WAS NEVER
PROGRAMMED TO ADJUST TO SUCH
LARGE AND DEBILITATING CHANGES.
YES.
YOU KNOW, THERE IS ONLY ONE
THING TO DO.
GOODBYE.
[ GROWLING ]
[ GROWLING CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHS, WHOOSHING ]
[ GROWLING ]
[ GROWLING CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
[ ZIPPER ZIPPING ]
[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]
[ Ominous voice ] HOLD ME BACK!
[ LAUGHING ]
[ WHOOSHING ]
[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]
[ GROWLING ]
[ GROWLING CONTINUES ]
[ GROWLING CONTINUES ]
[ CLATTERS ]
[ WHOOSHING ]
[ GROWLING ]
A LIMOUSINE, PLEASE!
[ LAUGHS ]
EXCUSE ME.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET ME
CHANGE FOR THIS $100 BILL?
THANK YOU.
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
[ WHISPERING RHYTHMICALLY
CONTINUES ]
♪ MOTHER REUBEN, I'M NOT
FAKING ♪
♪ THOUGH YOU MAY THINK IT'S
STRANGE ♪
♪ BUT WINE AND WOMEN PLAY
♪ THE MISCHIEF WITH A BOY THAT'S
LOOSE WITH CHANGE ♪
♪ HOW YOU GONNA KEEP 'EM
♪ DOWN ON THE FARM
♪ AFTER THEY'VE SEEN PAREE?
♪ YEAH, HOW YOU GONNA KEEP 'EM
♪ AWAY FROM BROADWAY
♪ JAZZING AROUND
♪ ENJOYING THE TOWN?
♪ HOW YOU GONNA KEEP 'EM
♪ AWAY FROM HARM?
♪ THAT'S A MYSTERY
♪ IMAGINE REUBEN WHEN HE SEES
HIS PA ♪
♪ HE'LL HOLLER "WHOOP-DEE-DOO!"
AND "OOH-LA-LA!" ♪
♪ HOW YOU GONNA KEEP 'EM
♪ DOWN ON THE FARM
♪ AFTER THEY'VE SEEN PAREE?
THAT'S STINKS.
UH, AND I CAN'T DANCE EITHER.
[ CICADAS CHIRPING ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ DOOR CREAKS OPEN ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ DOOR CREAKING OPEN ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SNORING ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SNORING CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SNORING CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
LOOK AT THE MOUSE!
IT TRIES TO BE A RAT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE,
LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE,
LAUGHTER CONTINUE ]
WHOO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE,
LAUGHTER CONTINUE ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ CAR HORN HONKS ]
HEY, MISTER.
HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU THIS APPLE
AND YOU LET ME DO THAT, UM,
PAINTING?
I DON'T THINK SO.
OH, COME ON.
LOOK, IT'S FAIR.
I ONLY TOOK ONE BITE.
YOU PAINTED ALREADY HALF THE
FENCE.
COME ON.
CAN I USE THAT BRUSH?
LOOK, I-I'LL GET IT.
[ CAR HORN HONKS ]
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A
PAINTER?
20 YEARS.
YEAH?
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL FOR A FEW
YEARS.
I THINK PAINTING'S A NICE
PROFESSION AND EVERYTHING.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A PAINTER,
BUT I THINK I'D BETTER FIND MY
OWN JOB, AND I THINK I WANT MY
APPLE BACK.
THIS ISN'T SUCH A HOT DEAL.
♪ YOU'VE GOT NO ONE
♪ BUT YOURSELF TO BLAME
♪ THOUGH YOU MAY
♪ FIND REASONS TO COMPLAIN
♪ YOU'VE GOT NO ONE
♪ BUT YOURSELF
♪ YOU'VE GOT YOUR ANSWER
♪ WELL, I'VE GOT MINE
♪ THERE'S NOTHING TO STOP YOU
♪ FROM LEAVING THIS ALL BEHIND
♪ YOU'VE GOT NO ONE
♪ BUT YOURSELF
♪ IT'S YOUR LIFE
♪ DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
♪ DON'T COME TO ME SAYING, "LOOK
AT WHAT THEY PUT ME THROUGH" ♪
♪ YO-O-O-O-U'VE
♪ GOT NOTHING
♪ BUT YOUR MIND TO LOSE
♪ THERE'S A TIME AND A PLACE
♪ WHEN WE ALL MUST REFUSE
♪ YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
♪ BUT YOUR MIND
♪ IT'S YOUR LIFE
♪ DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
♪ DON'T COME TO ME SAYING, "LOOK
AT WHAT THEY PUT ME THROUGH" ♪
[ VOCALIZING ]
YEARS AGO, I USED TO PLAY IN
A BRASS BAND.
YEAH?
AND I USED TO PLAY A FLUTE
PICCOLO.
I'M A SUCKER FOR BRASS.
OH, BOY, BUT I DIDN'T PLAY
BRASS.
I PLAYED A FLUTE PICCOLO.
THAT'S A REED, NOT A BRASS,
NOTHING LIKE A TROMBONE OR A
CORNET OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
THIS IS JUST A LITTLE PIECE OF,
UH, WOOD LIKE THAT.
YOU CAN'T MUSIC LIKE THAT IN
A DAY JUST LIKE BRASS AND
PICCOLO, I GUESS.
OH, NO, YOU COULDN'T MIX THEM
UP.
RIGHT.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
BETTE MIDLER?
I NEVER HEARD OF HER, NO,
BUT, UH --
YEAH, SHE'S A TOUGH KID.
SHE REALLY WORKS HARD, YOU KNOW?
OH?
YEAH, I MEET HER IN
CENTRAL PARK AT THE
LITTLE RICHARD CONCERT.
SHE SNUCK UP IN FRONT OF ME, BUT
THEN WE BECAME FRIENDS.
AND SHE FRIGHTENED YOU,
DIDN'T SHE, HUH?
WHAT?
SHE FRIGHTENED YOU, DIDN'T
SHE, HUH?
NO, SHE DIDN'T FRIGHTEN ME.
SHE TOOK YOU UNAWARES,
THOUGH, DIDN'T SHE?
SHE SNUCK UP IN FRONT OF ME.
SHE'S FAST.
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S SOMETHING, BUT I'LL TELL
YOU...
YEAH.
...ALL OF THESE NAMES HERE
ARE, UH...
WELL, THERE'S THE ONLY NAME I
REMEMBER -- JOHNNY DENVER.
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ CAR HORNS HONKING ]
♪ YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
♪ BUT YOUR MIND TO LOSE
♪ THERE'S A TIME AND A PLACE
♪ WHEN WE ALL MUST REFUSE
♪ YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
♪ BUT YOUR MIND
♪ IT'S YOUR LIFE
♪ DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
♪ DON'T COME TO ME SAYING, "LOOK
AT WHAT THEY PUT ME THROUGH ♪
♪ OOH, YO-O-O-O-U'VE
♪ GOT NOTHING
♪ BUT YOUR MIND TO LOSE
♪ THOUGH YOU MAY
♪ FIND REASONS TO COMPLAIN
♪ YOU'VE GOT NO ONE
♪ BUT YOURSELF
♪ YOU GOT NO ONE
♪ BUT YOURSELF
[ VOCALIZES ]
[ VOCALIZES ]
[ VOCALIZES ]
HEY.
[ VOCALIZES ]
I SAID I'M GONNA JUMP!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
I DON'T CARE!
I'M TIRED OF LOOKING AT
CONCRETE!
IN THIS LOUSY LIFE, YOU GOT TO
PAY FOR THE BONE WITH THE LAMB
CHOP!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO
PAY FOR THAT BONE, AND THE --
AND THE BUTCHER KNOWS YOU'RE NOT
GONNA EAT IT, BUT HE CHARGES YOU
FOR IT ANYWAY!
I'M GONNA JUMP!
I'M TIRED OF WEARING BLACK TO BE
HEAVY!
A MAN'S JUMPING!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
YOU BETTER NOT SEND ANYBODY
UP HERE!
I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
SHH!
KICK YOU IN THE FOOT, SHOT IN
THE PANTS.
[ SIGHS ]
[ SHOUTS ]
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
YEAH? "DON'T JUMP."
YOU AIN'T PAYING MY RENT!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE ]
[ WINCING ]
[ GROANS ]
AH FONGOOL!
GOD DAMN!
SH...
THEY CALL THIS A JUMPSUIT?!
MAN, IT DIDN'T EVEN LAST ONE
JUMP!
[ BUZZES ]
I WANTED MY FRIEND TO WRITE A
MONOLOGUE FOR ME.
I WANTED HIM TO WRITE ME THREE
NEAT, CLEAN, COMPACT PARAGRAPHS
ON THE BEAUTY OF
SELF-INDULGENCE.
I WANTED HIM TO WRITE SOMETHING
ON HOLLOW AND, UH, HANG-UPS AND
SELF-INDULGENCE, ON HANNIBAL AND
HIS HANG-UPS AND
SELF-INDULGENCE.
I WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW HOW
BIG IT WAS.
I WANTED HIM TO KNOW THAT
SELF-INDULGENCE HAS STYLE.
AND NOW WHAT I WANT TO KNOW
IS...
IS WHY HE LAUGHED IN MY FACE.
WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE?
WE'RE ARTISTS.
THAT'S A COINCIDENCE.
I'M AN ARTIST, TOO.
[ LAUGHING ]
OH, YEAH?
WATCH THIS.
[ WARBLING ]
THAT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, BUT
I GOT TO SPLIT.
[ ENGINE REVVING,
TIRES SCREECHING ]
[ ENGINES REVVING ]
[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
[ ENGINES REVVING ]
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
THANK YOU.
YOU LIKE THIS TABLE?
OH, IT'S PERFECT.
THANK YOU.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
JACQUES -- JACQUES BLINBAUM.
B-L-I-N-B-A-U-M.
READY FOR THE WINE?
YES. THANK YOU.
WHAT KIND IS IT?
IT'S A FRENCH WINE.
OH, YEAH?
...FOR THE HELP HERE,
JACQUES.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
AIN'T YOU GOT NO RIPPLE?
SURE WE DO, SIR.
I'LL BRING IT TO YOU.
OH, GOOD.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU GIRLS
WON THE INTERNATIONAL.
WE DID GREAT IN THE
TOURNAMENT.
DID YOU KNOW ABOUT
THAT...TOURNAMENT...
IN SPITE OF THE RAIN?
WE PLAYED IN THE RAIN.
IT WAS REALLY INCREDIBLE.
I'M SO HAPPY...REALLY AWFUL.
DID YOU GET VERY WET?
WET? OH!
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S A GOOD ONE!
IT IS. JUST SOAKED.
[ LAUGHS ]
SHE WAS TOTALLY SOAKED.
YOU HEARD ME, I THINK, BECAUSE
IT WAS VERY FUNNY.
IT'S FUNNY PEOPLE LISTEN TO
YOUR CONVERSATIONS.
AIN'T IT STRANGE?
WELL, UH...
PROBABLY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DON'T TALK TOO LOUD...
HE IS.
WHO?
RIGHT BEHIND HIM.
[ LAUGHING ]
THAT'S HIM.
IT IS. IT'S JACQUES.
I'M SURE YOU'RE WRONG.
FOUR YEARS I SPENT SITTING
NEXT TO HIM.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
OF COURSE THAT'S HIM.
I'LL BET YOU THAT'S HIM.
YOU'RE ON.
IT'S HIM.
LET'S GO LOOK.
LET'S ASK HIM.
WE'LL SEE.
WELL, THEY DON'T CALL ME
"SUEDE" FOR NOTHING.
EXCUSE ME, JACQUES.
HELLO. IT'S JEFFREY -- JEFFREY
AND JOAN.
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
EXCUSE ME, MONSIEUR.
I'M SORRY.
[ GASPS ]
Shh!
[ LAUGHS ]
Shh!
BOY, HAS THIS PLACE CHANGED.
I'LL SAY.
Shh, shh!
BY THE WAY...
HAVE YOU TRIED THIS YET?
WHAT?
[ Deep voice ] DUCK!
YES, THE DUCK WAS GOOD.
BUT HAVE YOU TRIED THESE
PEACHES?
THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
JUST ONE OF THE LITTLE THINGS
THAT BOTHERS HER.
AND I TOLD HER.
I SAID, "I'LL SPEAK TO BARBARA
ABOUT IT, BECAUSE, AFTER ALL --"
EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN.
ONCE IN A WHILE...
EVERY SILVER LINING HAS
CLOUDS.
WHEN THEY'RE READY, THEY'LL
SURPRISE US.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE?
SEE THAT IDIOT, WHAT HE DID?
WHAT?
WAITER, THESE BEANS CLASH.
THEY AREN'T FIT TO STAIN MY
CLOTHING.
TAKE THEM AWAY, PLEASE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
♪ LIKE A SHIP AT SEA
♪ I'M JUST LOST IN A FOG
♪ LA, DA, DA, DA, DA
♪ WHAT CAN I DO?
♪ NA, DA, DA, DA, DA
♪ I'M JUST LOST IN A FOG
WITHOUT -- ♪
WHOA, WHOA.
I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE THAT
BAD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS CAKE.
HOW RUDE!
WAITER!
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR
DINNER.
IT WAS INEDIBLE.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME. COME AGAIN.
THANK YOU!
[ POUNDING RHYTHMICALLY ]
[ HORN HONKS ]
[ HORN HONKS ]
[ FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
I GOT IT!
FIVE BUCKS.