An Evening with Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder (2006) - full transcript

Kevin Smith.

Kevin Smith.

Thank you for, uh, coming
to Canada, Mr. Smith.

I'm here as Buddy Christ.

On the way over here,
trying to get tickets,

I got bitten by a dog.

I love you, Kevin Smith.

You're-- you're awesome, Kevin.

But we came here to see you.

Ladies and
gentlemen, introducing

my dad, Kevin Smith.



I love you, man.

Oh, Canada.

Oh, Canada.

I fucking love me
some Canadian, sir.

I really, really do.

I fucking love this country.

Um, I would, uh-- Don't.

Don't.

No.

Believe me, I'll be
patronizing later on.

Right now, I just want
to be confessional

more than anything else.

I always felt like I was kind
of born a bit too far south.

I do dig this
country quite a bit.



And I don't fucking say that
because of the recent election.

That seems to be in vogue, to
be like, oh, fuck the States.

Canada, eh.

They let gays get married and--
and Bush is not the president.

But, uh-- But that shit
doesn't matter to me

so much because I could-- I
survived four years of Bush.

I could survive another
four years of Bush.

I survived Bennifer.

Bush has nothing on
fucking Bennifer.

I assure you.

But, uh, it is a country that
I've always fucking loved.

And I've often thought
about moving up here.

Because you guys are
like-- you're-- flat out,

you're the girl
next door, right?

And who doesn't want to
fuck the girl next door?

Especially when
she's anal as well.

So-- you are the three
input woman next door.

That's it.

We're leaving, you know?

Um, but, uh-- I can't.

I can't fucking make the
commitment to move up here.

And there's one-- there's
two words, really,

the kind of sum it all up.

And that is Tim fucking Hortons.

True story.

Because I've been here now
for-- I came up a week ago.

I mean, a month
ago for one week.

And then I came back.

I've been here for
about two weeks.

And when I got here, I was
like, I'm going to stay

all fucking low-carb and shit.

And I'm going to just eat.

Because you know,
I'm from the land--

USA, United States of Atkins.

And, um-- so I'm like, I'm
going to stay low-carb and shit

because I got the show.

And I want to be as trim
as fucking possible.

And then they put
in a goddamn hotel

where right across the
street there's a Tim Hortons.

And I would just
look out my window

and be like, that
fucker's open 24 hours.

Because I'm a fucking
man of strength.

Like, I-- you know, I will
never cheat on my wife,

but I will cheat on a fucking
diet like you wouldn't believe.

So I'd just sit there
and fight myself,

fight myself, fight myself.

And finally, I was
like, oh, fuck.

A double double and 30 Timbits.

And that's why I'll be wearing
the coat all night long.

Always helpful to have
the fucking people

in the back looking at
you all night going,

god, is he fat from behind.

He is literally wearing a
spare tire around his middle.

So the first
question of the night

sets the entire evening up.

No pressure whatsoever.

It's
actually two things.

Two questions.

Two questions if
that's all right.

Sir, you're playing on
my sympathies, aren't you?

Well, my name's Andre.

I'm an actor,
comedian, and writer.

People always try to
get me to dance, too.

Um, my first question
is, well, I'm currently

writing a screenplay now.

And I'm-- I've
been-- I had major,

major, uh, writer's block
for the longest time.

I was wondering if you
ever had writer's block?

And what you did
to deal with it?

Have I ever had writer's block?

Yeah, a little bit.

I just basically don't
have writer's block.

I get writer's laze,
where I just don't-- why

should I write, you know?

Pretty much.

Let's see how many "Law
& Orders" are on today.

I do, basically.

Because I'd rather sit there
and watch "Hang 'em High McCoy"

throw, you know, another
scumbag murderer in jail

than-- than create shit.

I want to be entertained
sometimes, where

it's just like, yeah, good.

Burn 'em.

Fucking burn 'em.

Send them to the goddamn chair.

Murder 1, eh.

You know?

And then my wife's like,
the mortgage is due.

I'm like, oh, shit.

Uh, Jay And Bob say something
remotely witty, you know?

Cha-ching, back
to "Law & Order."

So, uh--

So I will.

I'll just kind of
veg out and sit

in front of the TV for a while.

And it's not so much writer's
block where I'm like,

I have nothing.

I have nothing.

It's just this kind of
place where I'm like,

I don't want to do nothing.

I don't want to do nothing.

And I've only really
had it maybe once.

I was working on the "Six
Million Dollar Man" screenplay

fucking eons ago, 1995.

And there was-- we were
working at Universal

on "Mallrats," kind of.

Woo.

Don't.

And, um-- and, uh,
basically, somebody-- one

of the producers, Jim Jackson
is just like, hey, uh,

"Six Million Dollar
Man" is up for grabs.

They want to do a
feature version.

Did you ever watch it?

And I was like, I
did watch that show.

And he was just like,
you want to write it?

And I was like, are
you fucking kidding me?

Not really, but-- but it would
be awesome to get the job,

you know?

Like, that's basically
what it is for me.

It's not doing the work,
it's just having somebody go,

you, sir, are good enough.

And then I'm like,
oh, phenomenal.

Thank you.

And then I fucking fight
it the whole way home.

"Green Hornet," a
perfect example.

It was just nice to
have somebody say,

you, sir, are good enough
to make a comic book movie.

And I was like, tremendous.

Then I signed the contract
and I was like, wait.

What?

Do it?

Um, so that-- that kind
of happened with the "Six

Million Dollar Man."

And there were just days where
I was like, I don't know what

the fuck Steve Austin does.

You know?

What does he do?

He's fucking-- he wakes up
and he watches "Law & Order."

Because I don't live
the Steve Austin life.

And I'm used to
writing about shit

where I just kind
of takes pages out

of my own daily life and shit.

But I am not bionic by any
stretch of the imagination.

Not even remotely
athletic, you know?

So I would be totally
blocked writing that.

And it really started to show.

Like, I'd hand Mosier over some
pages to read-- Scott Mosier,

my producer.

And I was like,
what do you think?

And he was just like,
well, in this scene here,

the big action
sequence, you have Steve

Austin hiding behind a rock.

And I was just like, dude's
got to hide sometimes.

I mean, it's not always
dit-dit-dit-dit, you know?

Sometimes-- sometimes he's got
to be on the down-low and shit.

And Mosier's like, and
he's fighting 20 ninjas?

I was like, not good?

Bionic ninjas?

So that one, it took me
a long time to fucking

write the script for.

And I pitched it to one team of
execs, who were then replaced

by another team of execs.

And then by the time
I turned in my script,

that second team of
execs had been replaced

by another team of execs.

So I turned into my script to
people going, are you kidding?

This is your idea for a "Six
Million Dollar Man Movie?"

Mother fucking.

He loses a leg and an arm.

You give him robotics and he
hides behind a fucking rock?

I was like, well, the first
people really liked that idea.

So, you know, fucking
never got made.

And that was the last
time I really got blocked.

And ever since then,
it's just kind of laze.

Because TV is kind of
my kryptonite, right?

Where it's just like, if it
goes on, suddenly I'm like,

I don't want to create.

I just want to be entertained
and shit like that.

And having a kid, you
watch a lot more TV

than you normally watch.

Excuse me, before.

Because back in the
day, it was just like,

"Degrassi" fucking reruns
on tape and shit like that.

Don't.

I'm-- I'm not
pandering, that's true.

And, um-- and watch fucking
"Simpsons" and porn.

So, um-- so, uh-- but later
in life with the kid, the kid

has like all sorts of programs
that she likes to watch.

And then you're kind of
forced to watch them as well.

And sometimes, they're fucking
insanely bad and really tough

to sit through.

There's this one fucking program
she was watching the other day.

And, uh, she was
going to school.

She watches TV before
she goes to school.

And, um, I went down
there to say goodbye.

And says, well, what's--
how you rolling?

What's this?

And she's like, this
is, uh, "Rainbow Fish."

And I said, uh, what's it about?

And she kind of looked at me
like, you fucking retarded?

Like the title pretty
much says it all.

And--

And I peeped it out and
she was right, you know?

It really is literally about
a bunch of multicolored fish.

And they go to school.

Because you know, fish
travel in schools and shit.

And that was the height of
their fucking imagination.

Just let's put the rainbow
colored fish in school.

And fucking nobody's watching.

Do it.

So I was like, can't we
watch something else?

Let's pop in some
fucking "SpongeBob."

She's like, no, "Rainbow
Fish." "Rainbow Fish."

Because she was
heading to school,

so she wanted to
see what they did.

And then she'd take
it to school with her

and sit there and pretend
to be a blue carp,

or something like that.

I don't know.

I don't know what
goes through her head.

But then there's some
shit, some shit she watches

where I'll get roped in.

Like at first I'm like, oh,
this is fucking dog shit.

But then you're like, this
is actually pretty good.

And the fucking show that
she really turned me onto

was this show called
"Dora the Explorer."

Which is an amazing fucking
show if you're really stoned.

Because it's all about this
little Mexican girl who hangs

out with a monkey who
wears boots, who is named,

ironically enough, Boots.

And she got a backpack on
because presumably she's

fucking trafficking
hashish across the border.

And they bomb around looking
for very simple things

in order to get to a goal.

They got to find three things
and fucking get somewhere.

And the only impediment
to the whole process

is a little-- uh, a
little-- what is he?

Fox.

He's a little fox.

You know what I'm talking about.

A little fox named Swiper.

Thank you.

Exactly.

The kid's name is Swiper.

He's a little fox.

And you know he's the bad
guy because he wears a mask.

So Swiper periodically
will bomb in on the kids

and try to fuck with their day.

And, um-- and
basically, it's one

of these interactive
shows where you got

to yell at the screen and shit.

Dora's ever-asking for
your help because she's

so fucking hapless, she
can't do shit by herself.

So you sit there watching and
periodically she'll be like,

Boots, we need to
find the red berries.

Boots is like, I agree.

I agree.

But, you know, whatever.

And then they'll say, can
you see the red berries?

And then me and kid
sit there and you know,

we see the red berries.

And we're like, yeah.

Bitch, don't you?

They're behind you.

Turn around.

That's my take.

My kid is just like,
they're behind you, Dora.

I just look at you
like, Jesus Christ, kid.

Don't buy into this.

They are patronizing you.

Can you see the berries?

And then you're like,
right behind you.

What are you-- and
then she goes, what?

They're where?

And you're like,
right behind you.

And she's like, they're
right behind us?

And you're like, yeah.

Which as an adult straight,
you're just like, ugh.

But if you're stoned, which
I have been upon viewings,

you're there.

You are in the fucking show.

You're having a
discourse with Dora.

Dora's just like,
help me out, Kev.

I'm like, right on.

Where are the berries?

You're hungry too,
aren't you, Dora?

Oh, I can go for some berries.

With mayonnaise.

For some reason.

But periodically, fucking Swiper
will bomb in and shit and just

try to fuck with your day.

And he's going for
the berries as well.

So it's this race
against time between you,

Dora, and Boots, and Swiper.

And she'll say like, I
think Swiper may be around.

Do you see him?

And he pops up.

And in the audience,
you're like, oh, Jesus.

He's there.

He's there.

He's behind you.

And, you know, is he--
is he to the right?

No, he's behind you.

Is he?

Yes, he's behind you.

And how they stop him
is rather ingenious.

Because me, it would just be
like-- or a fox trap, you know?

Or kill him and wear him.

And, uh-- or at that point I'm
so stoned, eat the fucking fox.

Mask and all.

Um, but how they stop
him is rather ingenious.

And it's a bizarre
lesson to teach

the kids because
it really doesn't

pan out in the real world.

They just turn around and
they go, Swiper, no swiping.

Swiper, no swiping.

Swiper, no swiping.

They say it to him
three fucking times.

And that stops him.

But of course, you're helping
out because it's audience

participation and shit.

So you know, she's like,
we got to stop him.

Tell him, Swiper, no swiping.

So it becomes like
Swiper, no swiping.

Swiper, no swiping.

Swiper, no swiping.

And then the fucking
fox goes, oh, man.

That is literally
a line of dialog.

You tell Swiper to fucking
stop and Swiper goes, oh, man.

And he fucking bombs away.

And that's it.

You're on the berries and
on to the next fucking goal.

And there's just like-- it
doesn't work in the real world.

Like, I had to pull the kid
aside and be like, look,

this is all fun when we're high.

But telling somebody just
don't do something three times,

it ain't going to
fucking change shit.

It would be nice if you could.

If you could be like, Bushy, no
bombing of an innocent country.

Bushy, no bombing of
an innocent country.

Bushy, no bombing of
an innocent country.

But--

There goes my political
material for the whole night.

But it doesn't work
like that shit.

So periodically, I have
to set her straight.

But I'm usually so stoned
that I explain it to her

and she looks at me like,
the cartoon makes more sense.

She's like, Daddy, no eating.

Daddy, no eating.

Daddy, no eating.

Oh, man.

So I get caught up
in shit like that

and then I just
get to this place

where I don't want to write.

And so I just kind of chill
out and shit like that.

But I'm kind of--
I'm a deadline whore.

So like if the deadline
comes up-- "Green Hornet"

I had like-- what did I have?

I had 50 pages.

And then I had another 50.

So I had 100 pages.

And in 4 days, I wrote
64 pages and brought

the motherfucker home.

Like that's how I write.

I'm like, oh, shit.

The fucking calendar's
creeping up behind me.

I'm like, shit happens and
people hide behind rocks.

And-- fucking he beats
the bad guy, the end.

And you know?

Mysteriously, people are like,
wow, this is pretty good.

You put a lot of work in this.

I'm like, I absolutely did.

Like, why does he say to the
bad guy, Swiper, no swiping?

Just take that out, sorry.

What was your other
question, sir?

My other
question-- my other question

was kind of related to it.

Um, I only got like 40 pages
in the last year and a half.

And I haven't--

Too much "Dora the
Explorer" for you as well.

That's my problem.

I, um-- well, I haven't shown
what I've written to anyone.

And I know you probably
get this a lot,

but I was wondering if
you're still in Toronto.

I'd really like to
get your opinion.

I remember, uh--

Boo.

I remember--

You motherfuckers turn
on each other quick.

Our home and native--
until he says the thing

we don't like, eh.

I remember, uh, in
"An Evening with Kevin Smith,"

there was that one that-- when
you were talking about how

your brother couldn't
relate to a lot of movies

featuring homosexuals.

Yes,
because he's gay.

Because he's gay, yeah.

Are you gay?

Is that what you're telling me?
Is this your--

No, I'm not gay.

--Long-winded,
roundabout way of saying--

I don't know if
you've noticed this,

but I am a physically
disabled midget.

And, um--

No!

Yeah.

I'm serious.

Sir, let me tell you
something right now.

You're passing.

Because I had no idea.

You know what?

I just found out two
years ago myself.

It's unbelievable.

So there's-- there's not a
lot of movies featuring people

like that in a positive way.

There's a few, but whatever.

Unless you're a member of
the fucking lollipop guild.

Then-- then there's movies.

But other than
that, you're right.

You're absolutely
right. "Station Agent."

"Station Agent."

"Station Agent" was good.

Yeah.

"Willow" was pretty
good, but still,

it's like a fantasy type.

"Willow" is fantasy, isn't it?

It's fantasy, like
only midgets can

play fantasy-like characters.

Mexican wrestling.

Don't you-- you got to hate
the fucking-- the non-height

challenged, don't you?

There you go.

Because every once in
a while, they'll just

hit you with the fucking Ewoks.

They're like, oh, shut up.

You got the Ewoks.

And you're like--

Yeah.

So if you're in
town, uh-- whatever.

For the next few
days, whatever still.

I have a business card.

I'd like to give it to you.

If you can give me a
call, that'd be great.

I know you're probably
thinking, no-- no fucking way.

But whatever.

It's worth trying.

It's worth a shot.

But no, sir, I would never in a
million fucking years do that.

Yeah, I understand.

But it's not because of the
height thing, just understand.

Because I like you.

You're the right height.

But, the, um--

Remember the whole Dora thing?

Yeah.

That's me basically saying
I hate to work myself.

So the idea of working
on somebody else's

fucking bullshit.
- Well, I don't want you to work.

I just want to get your opinion.
But that's cool.

But it's totally worth a shot.

But what are you, 40 pages in?

About 40, yeah.

Finish it, sir.

Finish.

Sorry?

Just finish it.

Finish it and shoot it.

Because basically-- I know a
story about a motherfucker.

Fat.

And he lived in
Jersey and he wrote

a movie about people
bombing around a fucking

convenience store.

And-- and it led to him being
onstage being like, fuck you.

You know?

So-- so I'm telling
you, finish it.

Make your picture.

And then stand up here
and tell somebody--

tell some tall fucker, no.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

In "Jersey Girl," how
did you convincingly

get Ben Affleck to cry?

How did I convince him?

I mean,
that was believable.

That was very fucking easy.

I brought a astrologer on
set, laid out the cards

for the next two years.

No.

Affleck doesn't
need any help, sir.

Affleck is a brilliant,
brilliant actor.

He's getting the shit
beat out of him right now.

I am not one of those
people that fucking,

oh, let's jump on the fuck
Ben Affleck bandwagon.

I'd still believe in Ben.

I would cast Ben as anything.

I've said it a million times.

I'd cast him in the fucking
shark in "Jaw" if we remade it.

And the robot in--

I believe in
fucking Ben Affleck.

So Affleck, he can
cry on command, sir.

It's easy.

He's very bitch-like in nature.

So-- so very, very easy
for him to cry on command.

And great.

It's a real weird
process to watch an actor

be like, give me a few minutes.

And they go someplace really
fucking dark and come out

and fucking throw it
down and shit like that.

And you're like, cut.

And they're just like,
were any chicks watching?

You know?

Because they know
if chicks watching,

they got it fucking made, right?

Because like, he's so
sensitive, you know?

And he gets them
back to the trailer.

He's like, I am very sensitive.

Now, roll over.

But Affleck crying on cue,
is fucking-- it's a walk

in the park for that dude.

He's really-- he's
really quite good at it.

He cries in almost
every movie, doesn't he?

If you watch him.

Go back, there's
always a point where

he's got the glazed
fucking look on his face.

And he starts squirting a few.

That's what he does.

He cries very well.

Does everything very well.

So that was-- it was neat.

It was a cake walk
getting him to do it.

I love making him
cry in movies, too.

I love getting him to
an emotional place,

because that's my
favorite version

of Ben Affleck in movies.

My favorite version in
real life is the one

who just makes me laugh.

Because he's one of the
funniest people I've ever known.

My favorite version of
Ben Affleck in the movies

is the guy who fucking cries.

And I'll hand him a script and
invariably I call the call.

And he's just like,
come on, dude.

Michael Bay don't make me cry.

I was like, that's funny.

He makes me cry.

As does your work
in his picture, sir.

But, uh, I really-- I like
seeing-- I like seeing it.

Because I think he
emotes very well.

So yeah, that's easy
to get him to cry.

Thank you very much.

Some other guy dropped this off.

Some fan art, I guess.

Right on.

You hold onto it.

Just in case.

Once we get past the one-hour
mark where it would go boom.

If it doesn't explode,
bring it back.

Sir, you came in
costume tonight.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

There go your chances
of getting laid tonight.

I kind of came in costume, too.

Rock it, sir.

Last time you were
here, you gave us your,

uh-- basically, your personal
review on some movies

that you've seen.

Yes.

And you ripped them apart
in only a way that can do.

Yes.

I was wondering if
you could give us

an updated version
on some of the crap

that you've seen lately.

For example?

Let the savior fucking speak.

How often do you get a
chance to talk to Jesus?

Amen.

Sir.

Any movie you want.

Well, I mean, it's
up to you, Lord.

Well-- listen to my people.

I'm sorry?

Listen to my people.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Any movie.

Ugh.

This is why they nailed
you to the fucking cross.

The Jews were like, he's
so fucking indecisive.

Hang him up.

Because if Mel Gibson
taught us anything,

it's that the Jews
killed Christ.

But not before they beat
the shit out of him first.

Fucking savior.

Recent movie?

"Team America."

"Gigli."

I honestly-- "Gigli" is a
movie that I really didn't find

as atrocious as most people.

But I was partial because I
like the guy in the movie.

Like, I'll watch that
dude in anything.

He was the bomb in
"Phantoms." "Phantoms"

is a terrible picture, but
I liked it because of him.

I kind of like
watching him do shit.

I watched "Surviving
Christmas" and thought

he was very funny in it.

So same thing with "Gigli."

Because I watched it, I'm
like, that's my friend.

He's kind of funny.

Even in movies that
aren't that great.

But, um-- the one thing.

My only issue with "Gigli" was
like, dude, you really going

to play-- ring this fucking
bell twice where you're like,

I can turn a lesbian, you know?

We did it once and we
kind of got away with it.

But.

He was like, no, I'm
going to do it again.

This time it's J Lo.

That, to me, was they only
mistake of "Gigli," double

dipping and shit like that.

But, uh-- so, no, I didn't
have a problem with that movie

very much.

"Paycheck."

"Paycheck."

You know, it kind of the
movie-- the title of the movie

is very appropriate.

Because that's flat out
what he was earning.

Um--

"Team America I
fucking enjoyed.

You know, puppets fucking.

Nothing wrong with that.

Fuck yeah.

"Incredibles" is fantastic.

I love "The Incredibles."

We should probably
move on from--

"I, Robot."

"I, Robot" I saw and
I fucking totally dug.

Except they kind
of-- it was like, uh,

getting a really
fantastic blow job where

at the very end she's like--

That's why they don't let
me review movies in papers

because everyone's got the
whole thumbs up, thumbs down.

Two, three, four stars.

I'm like, no, no, no, it's
like getting a blow job where

the chick pulls it out and
jerks you off to a conclusion

all over your belly, you know?

Where you're like, oh,
this is phenomenal.

This is awesome.

Oh, no, wait.

Out?

No.

"Mean Girl."

Loved it. "Mean Girls" I didn't
see because fuck Lindsay Lohan.

Don't know anything
about her, just

don't like the look of her.

You know?

Looks a little trashy.

I like my shit to be
less trashy than that.

I'm not-- I'm also not
a Duff woman, either.

So fuck her, too.

My ideal movie would
be like fucking throw

those two chicks in the pit.

Give them a couple
broken bottles.

Go.

I don't think we're
going to see that movie.

All right, are we really
going to do this all night?

Fucking yelling out random.

Let's move on.

Jesus, can we move on?

Right on.

Well done.

Sir, really.

That is a commitment
for the whole evening.

Just sit there as God and-- you
live with the parents or what?

You do live with the parents?

You know you're walking out and
your dad's like, that's why.

Excuse me, yes.

All right.

First of all, I'd like
to say I'm an animator

and I love your movies.

And the next thing
I want to know

is, what happened to
"Clerks 2," the cartoon?

You said that it was going
to be a cartoon movie?

Yes.

What's
going on with it?

I'm sorry.

It's such a decent question,
I was flabbergasted.

Um, "Clerks 2."

We were calling it
"Clerks Sell Out."

And the plot of the movie
was essentially, uh,

Dante and Randall are like,
hey, let's make a movie

set here in the Quick Stop.

Because I really,
really ran out of ideas.

And, uh--

And so basically,
we were thinking

of doing it theatrically,
because Harvey Weinstein,

the chairman of
Miramax, was like, well,

fucking-- the "Tigger Movie."

You know, Disney put
out the "Tigger Movie."

It cost them $8 million to make.

The movie made $40 million.

We were like, right on.

And he was just
like, we could do

the same thing with "Clerks."

I was like, you want us to put
fucking Tigger in "Clerks?"

He's like, no, we make
a cartoon real cheap

and we throw it out there.

We just fucking go to the
bank laughing all the way.

I'm like, first off, nobody
watched the show, dude.

That's why they
canceled it, remember?

Second off, like
it's-- you got a kid.

You're going to take them to
see the "Tigger Movie" and shit.

You're not going to
take them to see noise,

noise, noise, smoking weed.

You know?

I mean, because he's kind of
Tigger-like, but you know?

But fucking-- I don't-- I
just don't think any parents

lining up to see that movie.

So, um-- so basically we
went back to him and said,

look, would it make
more sense if we did it

as a straight-to-video movie.

Because that way, the people
who really want to see it,

would see it.

Because the "Clerks" cartoon,
when we put them out on DVD

as a collection sold well.

So we said, can
we do that instead

of trying to go theatrical.

And he was like, whatever.

Because he had forgotten
about it by that point.

This two years later, he's like,
what are you talking about?

I was like, the "Clerks" cartoon
movie, "Clerks Sell Out."

He was like, oh, right.

Yeah.

Well, whatever.

So we eventually
have to get to it.

But the last we talked about
it, we're going to do that

as a straight-to-video movie.

Awesome.

Try to cross it over
with "Winnie the Pooh"

and see what happens there.

But yeah, straight to
video, "Clerks Sell Out."

Because believe me, I will
ride the fucking "Clerks"

thing right into the grave.

You know, they work in a
store and they're pissed.

Cool.

That's it.

Right on.

Well done, sir.

So my question is,
you've pretty much had

the life of a fan boy thus far.

I mean, you-- you've got
to make an entire universe

based on your characters.

You've run a-- you've
owned a comic shop.

You've worked on a comic.

You got married at
Skywalker Ranch.

I mean, you've done
everything that I would think

any geek would love to do.

My question is, what's next?

For one second as you
went through the list,

I thought you were going to
be like-- and now tonight.

For the world to see.

Or I thought you were building
up to the "Howling" moment

where you're like, tonight, I'm
going to show you something.

Ah.

Nothing like that, no.

What's next?

I don't know, sir.

What's next?

I always often think
about what it is.

Why did I do what I do and
why I got into the business.

And chiefly, it was
because I wanted

to throw something on the screen
that, you know, I recognized.

Something that I
could identify with.

And that was "Clerks"
and everything

I've ever fucking
done since then.

So I've accomplish that.

Then it was always like, ooh,
wouldn't be cool to do this?

Wouldn't be cool to
write comic books?

Then I fucking
did that and shit.

I think I've reached
the final frontier.

You know?

Totally fucked Jason Mewes.

Where is Mewes?

Where is Mewes?

Just call Mewes up?

Does anybody have a phone?

Yeah.

Is this a phone--
you know what, sir?

I don't need your phone.

Whenever I call
Mewes, I just do this.

Mewes.

Mewes.

Doesn't work always.

Mewes.

Hello.

Ladies and sirs.

Sir, don't leave me
up here by myself.

I'm scared.

I don't talk much, he does.

Dude, you've answered
like two questions.

That's it.

He goes on and on and on, right?

No?

All right, no one's answering.

You want--

Oh, yeah.

You want to ask-- you
want to do two questions?

No, I don't want to.

I said you've only
had two questions.

You've been here
for like an hour.

Back off.

It was three.

Three questions.

Because I was
saying one question,

you just keep going on.

I go on for a bit.

Talking about "Dora the
Explorer" or something.

I've been listening on the--

That's how I fuck, sir.

They ask for a little.

I go overboard.

You want to hang
out on the couch?

I want to sit on the couch.

Right on.

There's free water.

First off, I'd like to thank
you for making "Clerks."

It's nice to see a non-Asian
dude that knows the pain

of being behind the counter.

That's true.

That movie is kind
of really fictional

because there's two white guys
fucking behind the counter.

And I don't know,
every convenience

store in the world I've
ever been in-- thank you,

come again.

You know?

My first question is-- I
have just two quick questions.

Um, one is on the first
DVD you pretty much trashed

a lot of the big Hollywood
guys with your Superman

story, Tim Burton.

And as well as, um, Prince.

Have you ever got any,
um, backlash from that

since releasing that DVD?

I've never gotten backlash.

Never gotten backlash from it.

But I've heard like
PSes to everything.

Like John Peter apparently is
very flattered by the story.

Proving once again
that the man is

just almost insane clinically.

Um, who else was there?

Um--

Tim Burton.

Tim Burton.

Um, Tim Burton.

No.

Since that story, I don't
think I ever heard of anything.

I mean, I told the story about
the "Planet of the Apes" thing,

right?

Yeah.

Where his claws came out.

So no, never heard
anything after that.

Tim Burton, just like this
dude is small fucking potatoes.

Prince, I did here a PS from.

Because the DVD came
out and his producer

at the time, the one who
told me about Prince world--

her name's Stephanie.

Stephanie called me up and
was just like, oh my god.

You named me.

She's like, it wasn't bad enough
that you just said, you know,

he's got this producer
he works with.

You fucking gave me a name.

And it was my name.

And I was like, was that bad?

Um, but thankfully she had
left his employ at that point.

But she told me that, uh,
people at Paisley Park

would pass that around like
an underground movie and shit.

And be like, you
got to watch this.

He nails it.

He even talks about
Prince world, you know?

They don't want to talk
out loud because all

the rooms are bugged.

Because he can
record in every room.

Um, so, uh, she said after
he-- it finally got to him.

Somebody showed it to him.

And he was just like, find
his non-disclosure agreement.

Because it says essentially
when you come in to shoot or do

something, they make you
sign, like this agreement that

says what happens in Prince
world stays in Prince world,

you know?

You don't go out there
and fucking talk about,

like go get me a camel
at 3:00 in the morning.

Just-- you don't talk
about that shift.

The funny part is the day
that they handed it to me,

I was like, oh, right on.

Let me just set up the shot.

And I never saw it again.

And it was never,
like intentional.

Like, ooh, I'm going to
talk about this shit.

It was just one of those things
that I never fucking did.

And never thought about
until Stephanie told me

they tore apart Paisley
Park looking for

that non-disclosure agreement.

And it's not there.

And I was just like, oh,
that would be because I

probably never signed one.

And she was like,
he was fucking mad.

Um, and then I guess, uh, he was
on the cover of "Entertainment

Weekly" a few months back when
he was doing the tour and shit.

The brilliant tour
where he oversold-- you

know, sold tickets that
were more expensive

and included a CD, his
latest CD, "Musicology."

And then all those tickets
sold for the concerts

counted as units sold for
his billboard ranking.

So made it seem like-- you
go to a Prince concert.

I want to see Prince.

I don't want to
listen to "Musicology"

because it fucking blows.

But I want to go see Prince,
because you love "Purple Rain"

and shit.

And when you got there, they
were like, here's your CD.

And you're like, oh, right on.
Free CD.

But it wasn't free
because they built it

into the price of the ticket.

And every ticket they gave
out, every CD they gave out,

counted toward Billboard.

So for a while, Prince was
rocking the fucking top 10

on the Billboard and shit.

But not really.

But, um-- but it was
enough to get him

on the cover of
"Entertainment Weekly."

That, plus the fact that, you
know, he's fucking Prince.

That gets him on there.
- My second--

Not done.

And in his fucking
interview at one point,

he went out of his way
to fucking talk about me,

to bring me up.

And I only know that because
the guy that wrote the piece

is a dude who's interviewed
me a few other times.

And he was just like--
dropped me an email.

He's going, Prince talked
about you in his interview.

And I was like, oh,
get out of here.

Did he talk about
the "Evening With?"

And he goes, kind of.

He didn't reference
it specifically,

but he talked about
seeing "Jersey Girl."

And I was like, oh, right on.

Did he love it?

Because I thought maybe, you
know, he fucking watched it

and he was like, you know what?

Kev's an all right guy.

Not the case.

Um, because he said
in the article.

He was like, I
saw "Jersey Girl."

And he trashed it.

And he said, that's what
happens when the potty mouth

don't work for you no more.

So the guy who was writing
the piece told me that.

And he's like, do
you have a comment?

And I was just like, OK.

Um, so I was like,
well, you know,

it's OK that he hated "Jersey
Girl" because I fucking

hated "Crystal Ball,"
which was an album

that he did a long time ago.

And he was like,
oh, that's perfect.

That's going in.

It went in the article and shit.

And it wasn't until
a few days later

where I was like, oh, I should
have just said, this coming

from the director of
"Under the Cherry Moon,"

which would have been
a little more obscure.

But still, he also
directed a movie.

So it would have been
like one director

tagging another and shit.

You know?

Kind of like playing
a game of the dozens.

But, uh, it didn't
really pan out like that.

I guess he read the
article or saw it,

but I never heard
from him again.

Still haven't heard
from him about that.

Uh, people were always kind of
mystified about what happened

to all the footage and shit.

Because Stephanie had called
me at one point and said,

hey, do you want to edit
this stuff together?

And I was like, uh, no.

I mean, not really.

I mean, if you
bring it to Jersey,

I'll totally edit it together.

And she's going-- I said, didn't
you guys try editing already?

She's like, we've gone
through a few editors.

And I said, why?

Is he that difficult
to work with?

She's like, well, no.

It's just that what he
wants to do with the footage

a lot of people don't
agree with ideologically.

And I was like,
what does he want

to do with the fucking footage?

Like, insert it into a porn?

Because I'm down with that.

I'll cut that shit.

And she goes, no, he wants to
turn it into a recruitment film

for the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Because he's a
Jehovah's Witness now.

So he wanted to take all the
footage from the interviews we

did and shit, inter-cut
it with concert footage,

and turn it into a recruitment
film for the Jehovah's

Witnesses and shit.

And I was like, get out of here.

That's what we were
doing this whole time?

She's like, I guess.

You want to work on it?

And I said, oh, shit.

No.

No, I already made
my recruitment film

for Catholicism.

I don't--

I said, I got no interest
in fucking doing that.

I was like, he's really
serious about this fucking

Jehovah's Witnesses shit?

And she's like, he
pretty hardcore.

I was like, how hardcore?

Because in my mind, I just
see fucking bing-bong.

Open the door.

And Prince is like,
dearly beloved.

Would you like to
buy a watchtower?

You know?

But she said, that's
what he's doing.

He's trying to use
the footage for that.

So the last I heard, it was
going into a recruitment film

for the Jehovah's Witnesses.

So if you're ever approached
by a bunch of Jehovah Witnesses

and they're just like, we'd
like you to watch this video,

that's my latest film.

Uh, hi.

So for all your movies,
you're like writer/director.

You got like five credits.

Um, so I figure that's got
to be a pretty good paycheck.

I have two questions.

Uh, how much are you worth?

And what do you waste money on?

How much am I worth?

Um, I don't know.

I have no idea how
much I'm worth.

What does that mean exactly?

Like to my mother,
I'm worth a lot.

Well-- like, what's
your net worth?

Like-- you know, like
if you were-- let's

say you were one of
those good filmmakers

and they put you on
that "Forbes" list.

Calm down.

No, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait.

OK.

Let's say--

No, wait.

Dude, I just-- I
couldn't fucking

hear you the first time.

I missed-- I missed the setup.

Go.

If you were appreciated enough
to be put on that "Forbes"

list--

On the "Forbes" list.

Why was everyone aww to--

I know.

I heard 'em.

You reined that shit
in pretty quick.

You're like, what if
you were good enough.

Oh.

I mean, what a-- they
were smart enough to--

I ad-lib like--

There's 2,000 fucking Canadians
who were like, let's get him.

Anyway, what if-- if somebody
put me on the "Forbes"

list, what would I be worth?

Obviously, I haven't
made the "Forbes" list.

Ballpark figure.

Do you have $10 million?

Do I have $10 million?

Are you looking for
a fucking loan, sir?

What do you mean, do I have?

Am I liquid?

Am I so liquid that I got $10
million sitting somewhere?

Sure.

No.

Sir, I have a family.

I'm married and I have a kid.

And I buy a lot of fucking DVDs.

So-- I'm a real--
honestly, I kind of

live very hand-to-mouth,
where it's like, I get paid.

And then I get fat.

And then I go back to work.

And I get paid and I get fat.

And basically, we
just spend that money

until there's no money left.

And then I'm like,
well, what did Jay

and Silent Bob do this week?

But no.

I don't have a fucking $10
million sitting somewhere.

Affleck does.

Affleck has got more than $10
million sitting somewhere.

Affleck had that stretch
where he did like 3 movies

where he made $15 to $20
or something like that.

And thank god, because now he
can live off that for-- wait

till the storm passes and shit.

But I don't have that chunk
of change sitting someone.

Also, you know, Affleck's
not fucking married

and doesn't have a kid.

A wife and a kid will
fucking bleed you dry, sir.

I'll keep that in mind.

Don't fucking get married.

Which I don't think
is a problem for you.

What's your net worth, eh?

How much you worth?

What you got in the bank?

How many toonies and
loonies do you have?

Nobody has-- I give it up, sir.

Nobody has ever asked
me that question before,

how much are you worth?

That's a real fucking
esoteric question.

One that's going
to plague me, too.

Wake my wife up at
3:00 in the morning.

Honey, what am I worth?

Get off of me.

Get it off of me.

Hi.

Hi, I just have two questions.

Two questions.

Or one question,
actually, and one comment.

Thank you for coming to
Toronto, first of all.

Thank you.
Thank you for having me.

And my second question is
just about why you actually

come and do these shows.

What-- what reasons do you have
to come and do these shows?

They want you to do a
show up at Roy Thomson.

I don't know.

They got a lot of Timbits.

I'm there.

Smart motherfucker right here.

Come on up, sir.

What's your name,
new best friend?

My name is Adam, but all
my friends call me Jaws.

Hey, Jaws.

Hi, Jaws.

Because you suck dick?

Um, back in grade 9, I hit
over 6 feet and I had braces.

My friend, Matt, was
a huge James Bond fan

and he started calling me Jaws.

And you sucked his dick.

We'll save that for
the special edition.

Um--

Because you sucked his dick.

Presenting my Timbits.

Wait.

So they're your Timbits?

Oh, I bought them.

Did you sweat in them?

Because they look a little
worse for wear, sir.

You didn't do anything
to them, did you?

I'll eat one if you want.

Well, what if
you put the poison

in but you have the antidote?

Pick one.

Pick a Timbit and I'll eat it.

Do that one.

Yeah.

But what if that's the one
you didn't put the poison

in knowing that I would
choose that one because it

was so different looking?

Security.

What's this?

I was also worried
with the no food policy

that they would take it away.

So I also smuggled a little
dime bag just in case.

You're giving me weed?

A Canadian version of weed.

But yeah, just more Timbits.

Oh, it's a dime bag of Timbits.

Just in case if they
confiscated that one,

I had that one as well.

So this is your secret stash?

Exactly.

You guys got any questions
for the donut man?

All right.

Question?

Where the fuck
are my donuts, Jaws?

I came with you.

Where are my donuts?

I'll give you Timbits
tomorrow for free at school.

Remember, my mom works there.

She is so fired.

Is this what you have to
deal with all the time?

Owen.

Take your
pants off, too.

Thank you for signing
my comics last year.

You're welcome, sir.

Don't forget the coat.

Are those your glasses, sir.

No?

They are, right?

Well done.

Sir, what was your question?

My question was,
why do you come here?

Aside from money, which is
probably an obvious factor.

Aside
from the food.

And Timbits.

Um, you know, honestly,
I kind of dig it.

I like it.

This is my, uh, second-- well,
third favorite part of the job.

I like writing.

I like editing.

Because editing is
kind of like writing.

It's like getting to write
another version of the script.

Another draft if you will.

And I like doing this
part because that's

what it's all about, right?

It's a communication
medium where

you throw the movie
out there and you see

if anybody identifies with it.

And you manufacture for use.

You want to-- excuse
me-- hear what

people have to say about it.

And this is kind of the
way I hear what people

have to think about the shit.

The feedback.

And it started that way.

It started by going
to the screenings,

doing Q& As afterwards.

And then, sooner
or later, we just

started losing the
screenings altogether

because people are like,
oh, fuck the movie.

Just get up there and talk
about your dick, you know?

So, uh-- I don't know,
I just kind of like it.

This is where I
feel comfortable.

I'm fucking terrible
in person, though.

Because that's what happens.

A lot of people are
like, oh, you must

be fucking great in a room.

I am terrible in a room.

If you get me in a room with 5,
6 people, I shut the fuck up.

I'm just like, hello.

But I can do this.

Like I could do
2,000, 3,000 people.

But one on one?

Dog shit.

Except my wife.

I could talk to her pretty well.

But like my wife will always
invite her friends over.

And they're just like,
why did you marry him?

He's such a boring guy.

And she hands them "An
Evening with Kevin Smith,"

and then they're like, oh.

"An Evening with Kevin
Smith" is four hours long.

You know?

And my wife's
like, no, it's not.

Evening with Kevin Smith is
two minutes if I'm lucky.

Three if he gets
on top, you know?

So I don't know, I
just kind of dig it.

I'm just kind of into it.

I like it.

I like doing it here, too.

Love fucking doing it in Canada.

Love the--

Last one we did at
Roy Thomson Hall

was hands down my favorite
Q& A I'd ever done.

Here at Roy Thomson.

Because you're-- I don't
know, you guys kind of get it.

It's not like they don't
get it down in the States.

But I don't know,
it just feels-- I

truly feel, like welcome here.

Like I feel like Superman--
fucking his world

blew up and so Earth became
his adopted homeland.

And that's how I
feel about Canada.

Of course, the
analogy falls to shit

right away because,
unfortunately,

America has not blown up yet.

Give it time.

Although, soon.

Give it-- give it time.

And, uh-- and also, I
can't do shit to protect

Canada from anybody.

But nobody seems to want
to make war with you,

so it's all right, you know?

So basically, I could just be
like, I am protecting them.

Until shit starts
going on and I'm like,

I got your back from back here.

Go.

Behind the rock.

Behind the rock, sir.

He just became a
better writer than me.

But I dig i t.

I just kind of dig it.

I feel at home in doing
this kind of shit.

This feels good.

You know, it's kind
of a rush, too.

3,000 people want to hear
what you have to say.

Only in this country.

He's talking about Getty, eh?

Oh, Getty's amazing.

Maybe he'll do a
little Tom Sawyer.

It's nice, though.

It's nice.

It makes you feel
wanted and shit.

Because then I go out in the
real world and nobody wants me.

Here though, I could
probably get laid.

Moments like this, I'm just
like, I could totally get laid.

That's why it's like so--
you got to keep your head

straight with shit like this.

Because you jump on
a stage and people

are like, wah and
shit like that.

You're like, oh my god,
why did I get married?

I could fuck all
of these people.

At least once, you know?

Till they figured out
I was a terrible lay.

But all I need is one crack.

But then, you know, I get off--

Then I get off stage and it's
just not really the case.

And then there's only one person
that ever wants to fuck me.

And that's-- you know,
that's kind of beautiful.

It is.

That's why I got married,
because she fucks really well.

And she loves me.

And I love her.

But, uh, on the stage,
you tend to like, wow,

this is-- I'm pretty happening.

And then, you know,
you go home and shit.

And she's like,
uh, quit farting.

And you remember you're
not that happening at all.

And she's too smart for
me to be like, look,

there are 3,000 fucking people
who would like to hear me fart.

And she'd be like, I fucking
hope so because that's how

we earn our living, fat ass.

You know?

She's a pretty sharp cookie.

But, uh, that's really it.

I just kind of enjoy it.

I mean, the money's nice, too.
Don't get me wrong.

It's really nice.

I used to do it
for free, though.

And then one day somebody
was just like, wow.

I was at a school in New Jersey.

I was at Rutgers in
Camden, the Camden campus.

And I used to just
drive places and do

Q&A. They'd be like,
hey, you want to come

talk to the college students?

I'd be like, yeah.

Right on.

Then one day I was
at Rutgers, Camden.

We were showing
clips for something,

so I went outside to smoke.

That was when I used to smoke.

And, uh, the chick who
was running the program

was like, wow, it's so awesome
that you just do this for free.

And I was like, it
really, really is.

What does that mean exactly?

And she's like, well, most
people kind of charge to do it.

And I was like,
charge to do this.

Why would somebody charge
for an ego boost like this?

This is awesome.

How much they make?

So she was like, well,
we just had Janeane here,

Janeane Garofalo.

I was like, right on.

How much she make?

She's like 20 Gs.

I was like--

20 G what?

$20,000 American or Canadian?

Which is actually pretty
fucking close now.

$20,000.

I was like, get out of here.

So then I started
charging for gas.

Then I was like, I feel secure
enough to be like, look,

you've got to give me gas money.

Pitch me $5 crumpled up.

Here you go.

Fuck off, "Clerks" boy.

Right on.

I took those fucks.

My net worth?

$5.

And then there was a
period where I just--

and then it started going up.

And they started paying me
more and shit like that.

Then I got to a place
where I just like, ugh,

I don't want to do it anymore.

Because they always send
you to remote places.

Like at least this we're in
the middle of a city, right?

So you fly into
fucking-- Pearson?

Pearson, is that
what it's called?

Named for-- you know,
that guy Pearson.

And, uh-- and you know,
you're in the city

in fucking 20 minutes.

Sometimes, though,
they'll send you a fucking

college in bumblefuck.

Fucking.

They're like, you want
to go out the Maritimes?

Shit, no.

You know?

You're out of your
fucking minds.

Um.

And then you fly in
and drive four hours

to get to the fucking college.

So there was a period where
I was just like, I don't

want to do it
anymore, so I'm just

going to fucking raise my fee.

And that way people will
be like, oh, fuck him.

He's not worth it.

And, uh, they still
kept fucking paying.

I was like, oh, good god.

They got me.

I guess I got to go.

So, uh-- but I dig it.

Really, I kind of dig it.

You know, when I'm busy,
when I'm making a flick

or something, I'm like, uh.

You know, I'd rather
concentrate on one thing.

But right now, I got nothing
going on at the moment,

except for fucking "Degrassi."

So I'm all up in it.

I'm like, send me--
I'll go anywhere.

Fuck it, I'm there.

Send me to fucking
Oakville, Kitchener.

I'll do all the--

I'll be-- I'll fucking
play to Newfie towns, too.

I don't give a shit.

Send me to every
fucking province.

And they're like,
you're going to Toronto.

I'm like, right on.

So, uh-- so I just
dig it, really

is what it comes down to.

All righ.

Thanks very much.

And, uh, just-- I hope that
you, uh, come back another time.

Come back?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, this is amazing.

I have never repeated a place.

I don't think I've ever gone
to the same place twice--

You should
do it three times.

--Which says a
lot about the show.

Because apparently--

Apparently, you all are
starved for entertainment

because most places are
like, ugh, we saw him.

Hockey.

No hockey, right?

The boys are on strike, eh.

The Leafs aren't going to play.

Bring the fat guy back.

You fuckers and
your hockey, man.

God, you love some hockey.

And the whole fucking
town-- there's a real pall

over the whole fucking town.

And I was like, what's with
all the down spirits and shit?

And they're like, no hockey, eh.

Hockey night's gone, eh.

Saturdays we got nothing to do.

We look at each other and
talk about the hockey.

How good it would be, how
great it was, and how wonderful

it will be when it comes back.

So I says to the guy, I
says, there's no hockey?

He says, I know
there's no hockey, eh.

And I says, well, there it is.

Those are actual conversations
I've listened to.

But generally, I don't--
I've never doubled up.

This is the first place
I've ever done twice.

And not only have
I done it twice.

It's not even like, he
was here three years ago.

I was here in fucking March.

Like, nothing has
really happened

to me between March and now.

So I was so worried coming back.

I'm like, I'm not going to
have shit to talk about.

But, uh, it's cool.

I like this room.

I could come back all the time.

And we sold it out pretty--

Don't, because-- don't because
you'll get tired of if.

If I come back in
another four months,

you'll be like, oh, he's talking
about his fucking dick again.

Oh, hockey's back?

Oh, fuck him.

Go Leafs.

Stop it.

Stop living into the
stereotype for Christ sake.

Like, what?

Leafs?

Yes, go Leafs.

Did they settle the strike?

No?

Fuck.

Um, so there it is.

I just kind of like doing it.

But you know, I can't
do it without you.

So thank you for coming.

Thank you.

Right on.

All right,
I wanted to know, um,

what is like the meanest,
most cold-hearted

thing you've ever done or
said to someone just because?

Meanest, cold-hearted
thing I've

ever done or said to anybody?

Yeah.

Did you feel bad after?

No.

It was never-- there's
never been any of that shit.

The meanest probably--
meanest, cold-hearted thing

I've ever done.

And I still kind of carry
it with me sometimes,

is, uh, junior year,
the end of junior year.

Uh, in high school.

Which is, what?

11th grade to you guys.

Grade 11, sorry.

Grade 11, eh.

Um-- uh, Michelle.

She was a classmate of
mine, really sweet girl,

was running for student
council president

because the juniors ran for
it at the end of the year

because you'd be the--
senior year you'd

be a student council president.

And she was running unopposed.

And I was just like, well,
that's not democracy.

Somebody should run against her.

And I ran against her,
just for the fuck of it.

Didn't want it.

Was just like, shouldn't
Miche-- we called her Miche.

Miche will totally win.

But there should be
somebody else in the race.

And it also give me a chance to
kind of get up on the PA system

and sing a song, which
was, uh-- 19-- what was it?

Fuck.

I forget.

Essentially, it was to
"New York, New York,"

but the chorus was vote
overweight, vote overweight.

And they did.

Proving once again that it's
not really the qualification,

it's just who puts
on a better show.

So basically, Miche
was just like,

if you vote for me for
student council president,

I will totally lead our
class and the school

into the next generation.

And then I got up there and
was like, vote overweight.

Vote overweight.

And they were like, oh,
let's vote for the fat guy.

Uh, and I won.

So senior year I was
student council president.

And the first thing I did as
student council president was

to abolish the Fall Carnival,
which was the big thing

everyone looked forward to.

Why?

Like, fuck it.

It's a waste of our time.

We don't need it.

Got rid of it.

And everybody was like, what
happened to the Fall Carnival?

And they're like,
student council president

got rid of it.

Drunk on my own
power I was like,

let's see how far I can go.

Got rid of homecoming,
which is not

a big deal because we didn't
have a fucking football team.

So I never understood why
we had a homecoming dance.

I was like, homecoming is
for fucking football games.

We don't have a football game.

What do we have
a homecoming for?

Fuck it.

No, it's gone.

And fucking people
are like, right on.

It's gone.

I was Bush.

You know?

I was flat out W. I
just made horrible,

fucking random decisions
and people were like,

he's our president.

I did try to abolish the prom.

And that one I got overruled on.

People are like, you can't
take away the fucking prom.

We've had it up to here.

And they kept
their fucking prom.

But I refused to
go to it and shit.

And my girlfriend at the
time was a junior, right?

And so I had the junior
prom the year before.

I had gone to it.

She was a sophomore
at that time.

And I brought her with me.

So we went to the junior prom.

So senior year, she
was supposed to go

with me to the senior prom.

We had junior/senior
prom together and shit.

So I told her, I was like, look.

I'm not doing a
fucking senior prom.

I'm just blowing
it off and shit.

I'm taking a stand.

Against what?

I don't know.

But I was in high school.

I was just rebelling
against everything,

including my fucking waistline.

So, um-- so I was
like, no fucking prom.

Prom's stupid.

A stupid fucking tradition.

And look, if we
want to fuck, we're

going to fuck at a hotel room.

We don't need to go to the prom.

Or we'll just fuck in
your parents house.

There's no reason to
go to the fucking prom.

And she was just like, but
I want to go to the prom.

It meant the world to her.
She wanted to go to the prom.

I was like, no, we're not
going to the fucking prom.

It's my prom.
We're not going to it.

It's my senior prom.

We're going to hang out.

We're going to watch fucking
"The Breakfast Club" again.

So she was like, all right.

All right.

And then, that
night-- class move--

she went to the fucking prom.

Didn't even tell me.

I called up her mom.

I was like, where's Kim?

Where Kim at?

We're going to hang out
and watch "Breakfast Club."

She's like, Kim's in
a gown at the prom.

And I was like, oh,
fucking-- we were supposed

to be rebelling together.

And she had no interest
in rebelling and shit.

And that was where our kind of
relationship started to-- she

didn't want to rebel with me.

I wasn't going to roll
like that and shit.

So, uh-- so it comes
to the end of the year.

And basically, the
student council's

in charge of the elections
for the next round

of student council elections,
the juniors who are running.

And, uh, there was a
kid who was running

for, uh, student
council president

against, uh, some girl.

And their names-- well, fuck it.

I'm not going to
tell you their names

because the story's pretty bad.

And, um--

So basically, there
was a kid-- one

guy running, one girl running.

And, uh, my Spanish
teacher at the time

pulled me aside and was like,
you know you're failing, right?

You're going to fail this year?

Excellent teacher..

Fantastic fucking teacher.

But I was a terrible student.

Didn't bother to learn
any Spanish and shit.

Didn't know that one day I
would live in Los Angeles

and need Spanish.

I was like, I live
in New Jersey.

I'll never need Spanish.

Moved to LA.

I need Spanish.

So, uh--

Dora.

That's why I watch Dora.

All right.

Rein it in, sir.

Not everything is the rock.

Um, so, uh-- but
still, I liked it.

I tried to pull your credit
away, but that was good.

Um, so, uh-- that was good.

So, um-- I got to remember
that for the next show.

Dude, I'm taking
all your material.

Um, so, uh-- so my Spanish
teacher says to me, listen, uh,

do you want to pass?

I was like, oh, god.

I'm going to have to
blow this motherfucker.

Because I'm OK.

I'm OK with blow jobs, man.

Like, I get it.

Like, I know-- I'm
comfortable with my sexuality.

Doesn't mean I can't take a shot
in the mouth for a good grade.

It doesn't necessarily
make me gay,

it just means I give good head.

So he's like, no, none of that.

He said, uh, I
just want-- I want

you to make sure that the
chick wins and not the guy.

And I was like, really?

You want me to
throw the election

and you'll pass me in Spanish?

And he was like, totally.

I was like, I don't know, man.

I got to think about this.

All right.

Votes came in and shit.

And we tallied them up and shit.

Because guess who
counted the votes?

I was like the chick
in Florida, dude.

What's her name?

Katherine Harris.

I was fucking Katherine Harris.

A 12th grade Katherine Harris.

Tossing shit away.

I was like, where
are the black votes?

So basically, the guy won
by a very slim margin.

The girl didn't.

And sure enough, I was
just like one, two, three.

Hey, she won.

And that was probably
the worst thing I've

fucking ever done in my life.

That girl got to be student
council president and that dude

spiraled fucking
downwards and, uh,

kissed the end of a shotgun.

Blew his head off.

Or something.

I-- I can't remember.

I never did the
follow-up to that story.

I just know that he didn't win.

And really, legitimately he did.

But the real weird
fucking vengeance

is that dude wound up dating
my ex-girlfriend the next year,

which he must've known, right?

He was like, you
steal my presidency.

I'm going to steal your
fucking pussy, sir.

So then I went out
with his girlfriend.

I was like, you're
going to steal my pussy

for stealing the election?

I'm going to fucking
steal your pussy, sir.

And then we were all miserable.

And the great irony is the
girl that he was dating,

his girlfriend that I
wound up stealing and going

out with was named Amy.

And so forever more,
people would come up to her

and be like, oh my god, didn't
you date the "Clerks" guy?

Is "Chasing Amy" about you?

And she'd be like, no.

And it's not.

But I like the name.

That story has no
ending, really.

Wait, no.

It does.

That motherfucker came looking
for blood and what did I do?

Hid behind a rock.

Hey, man.

I want to say good job in
the movies and everything.

Thank you, sir.

In "Roadside Attractions,"
everything's really good.

I had a question for
Mewes, but he deeked.

You are the most laidback
person I've ever met.

You're just like,
right on, dude.

Rock on with your bad self in
the "Roadside Attractions."

You are super-cool, sir.

You're Fonzie.

Hey.

Anyways, um--

Fonzie was Canadian, wasn't he?

Hey.

I left my
leather jacket at home.

I was going to say
that you have an image.

The trench coat,
jacket, the beard.

Have you ever thought about
getting rid of the beard?

Because you look at guys like
Chuck Norris and Chewbacca,

Jesus even.

Without a beard--

Without a beard, they would
like lose all their power

and their credibility.

And, uh--

I was just going to ask have
you ever thought of that?

Because I think it'd be a truly
horrible thing if you did that.

You would, uh-- I don't know.

Like, no one would
recognize you.

I wouldn't.

You know?

Like, Alex Trebek got
rid of his mustache.

And I was watching
"Jeopardy," who is that guy?

I didn't know who he was.

It's like having a conversation
with one of my characters.

Sir, I just think that
it's fucking brilliant

that you somehow
managed to tie Chuck

Norris, Chewbacca the Wookie,
and Jesus Christ together.

Because if I was on a fucking
game show and somebody said,

name three people
who have beards,

maybe-- maybe I would be like,
uh, the son of God, our Lord

and Savior Jesus Christ.

I wouldn't even-- Chuck
Norris wouldnt' come to mind.

Never in a million years.

I don't even know.

Does he have a beard?

Doesn't he just rock a mustache?

He's got a beard.

Does he really?

You and me on that
game show, you win.

Chewie I wouldn't even think of.

Chewie would be the answer.

They're like, judges?

And they're like--

Um, have I ever thought
about taking off the beard?

I do take it off
from time to time.

But, uh, only if I've
got nothing going on.

Like if I'm not
going to have to be

public, except to go to the
store and shit like that.

But if I don't have
to get on stage,

or take a picture, or
something like that.

Because when I take it off, I
look dramatically different.

I look like a
16-year-old fat kid.

As opposed to a
34-year-old fat man.

Um, and it also--
my wife hates it.

Like, the first time I took
it off when we were together,

I came out of the bathroom.

I was like, notice
anything different?

She was like, oh, Jesus.

Whoa.

Dig it out of the
drain and glue it back.

She hated it.
She hated it.

And the first time I did
it when I had the kid,

she was just like, ah.

Because suddenly I
wasn't dad anymore.

I was just some random
fat dude fucking her mom.

So I have taken it
off from time to time,

but I just look really,
really bad with it, you know?

It's just-- you know?

Fucking chin city and shit.

Your
wife if your beard.

My wife is my beard, isn't she?

Oh, sir.

Who was it?

That was you.

That was your move.

Because in your head you know
you were sitting there going,

I'm going to yell out
your wife is your beard

and they'll laugh like they
laughed at the rock guy.

And you yelled it out.

You got it out there.

You had the guts
to do it and shit.

And then I even echoed
it for you, just in case

the cheap seats didn't hear.

And there was fucking
crickets, sir.

You are fucking
"Gigli" incarnate, sir.

But I respected that.

That would have
been my go-to joke.

I should have fucking
thought of that.

I should have been
like, I'd rock

the my wife is a beard joke
and talk about sucking cock.

Thank god you did it first.

I will never use that joke.

Right on.

You're feeling pretty good right
about now because you're like,

I busted out Chuck Norris.

Anywho.

No, I've never shaved the
beard, uh, on a regular basis.

You should bring the "Roadside
Attractions" with Leno

to Toronto.
I think that'd be pretty funny.

Do "Roadsides" up here?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like to.

I would like to totally do that.

You like them, huh?

Yeah, for sure.

They're not bad.

I have a fun time doing them.

The guy that I do those
with, Andy McElfresh.

He's the real brains behind it.

He's way into that
kind of sense of humor.

And my jokes, I tend
to write very long--

they're not even jokes.

It's just observations.

And he's a real joke guy, go
for the punchline kind of thing.

So if you really
like those, truly

he's the genius behind them.

I'm just the guy
who stands there

and fucking dances like a chimp.

Every once in a while, I find
something quick to tag up with.

But, uh-- yeah,
they've been fun to do.

I would like to do one up here.

That'd be nice.

You don't really have
attractions, though.

Like CN Tower and that's it.

Tim Hortons.

Tim Hortons, that's not
really a roadside attraction.

Leaf--

Tim Hortons is fucking
legion in this country.

What do you got, 30 million
people living up here?

You have 31 million Tim Hortons.

There was one Tim Horton,
1.8-- 1.0008 Tim Hortons

per fucking resident of Canada.

You all got your own.

Like, what's that?

Oh, that's Bob's Tim Hortons.

Bob who?

I don't know.

But there's one guy
named Bob and that's his.

So Tim Hortons wouldn't
really be a stop, man.

Leafs.

The Leafs is not really
a roadside attraction.

It's a sporting team.

Hall of Fame.

Hall of Fame is definitely
a roadside attraction.

Good point.

Falls.

Oh, fuck the Falls.

I just went back to the
Falls for the first time.

I have not been to
fucking Niagara Falls

since I was five years
old and my parents took us

on a road trip and shit.

We drove up to the
Falls because my parents

had honeymooned there and shit.

So I guess they
wanted to go back.

My old man wanted to get another
crack at her up at the Falls.

So I was five years old and
we went to the fucking Falls.

Me, and my brother, my
sister, my parents and shit.

And took those fake photographs.

This is when it was all
about the barrels and shit.

So you stood in a fake barrel
with the fake Falls behind you

and acted like you
were going over.

As if anyone would be
hanging outside a barrel to

go down the Falls.

And you couldn't see the
stairs under my feet and shit.

But the one thing
they did do was

like take us up in a fucking
helicopter, you know?

They sent-- it was
my mom, I guess.

No, my dad.

My dad was the one that was
like, let the kids go up

in the helicopter.

My mom was like, no, no, no.

My dad was like,
no, they'll be fine.

My old man was like,
if the kids die,

I get another
crack at her alone.

Because we were all crammed
in the same room and shit.

So either that or my old
man was like, while they're

up in the elevator-- in
the helicopter and shit,

I'm going to go tag her in the
bathroom, which I would like

to think of my friends as being
those people, who are just

like, are the kids up there?

All right, fucking do it quick.

Which I don't-- I don't
think is disrespectful.

Like, my old man died last
year and I miss him like mad.

My mother misses him
way, way fucking more.

But the older you
get in life, the more

you realize your parents are as
full of shit as anybody else.

They're just like you.

They probably did the same
shit you do and shit like that.

So I like to think of my
parents not so much as,

you know, ah, gods up
on fucking pillars,

as two people who
were trying to fucking

it get it on in a bathroom
in a public restroom.

Like that kind of thing,
where old man's like,

you get on the other
side of this wall

and fucking glory
hole me, woman.

You know?

It's true, though.

Whenever-- whenever--
I do miss my father.

But whenever I miss
him, I just think of him

in very human terms and shit.

Because when you miss the
dead, you tend to really like,

you know, think of all these
wonderful things that they did.

And they had no flaws
and shit like that.

And I tend to-- to combat
the emotions or the tears,

I tend to try to humanize my
father as much as possible.

And just think about
my old man being like,

trying to wake my mother
up in the middle of night,

rubbing it on her asshole.

And then my mother being
like, you're crazy.

Not now.

And then my old man being
like, all right, just

watch while I jerk off then.

And then I just
kind of get silly.

I giggle.

Like, yeah, that was
probably my father.

Because you never get to know
that aspect of your parents,

right?

Particularly when they
kind of go away early.

Because I'd always ask
my dad, I was like,

what were your dreams
and shit like that?

And my old man was
too cool for school.

He was just like, are
you asking me this

because you want to rub it in
that I never achieved them?

And that you're living
the fucking dream

and I'm stuck here with her?

My father was-- like
I love him to death

and he took me to movies.

I have a career in
film because my old man

would take me to movies, show me
to movies, and shit like that.

My old man took me to see, like
"The World According to Garp"

when I was so not
age appropriate.

Like, it was the kind
of movie that like,

you know, I should have been
like, this fucking blows.

Why isn't he saying
nanu nanu, you know?

Because it's Mork.

Um, but he-- he
kind of-- he just

want-- he took me to see
movies that he wanted to see,

which really led to me having
an appreciation for film

beyond the simple fucking
"Raiders of the Lost Ark"

and "Superman" shit.

So I do miss him quite a bit.

But I find it always
helps to just think

of him as this fucking dude
that I might have hung out with,

you know, had I been a little
younger or something like that.

And talked about like,
did you get it last night?

He's like, oh, shit, dude.

Fucking all over her back.

Or just like my old man trying,
like talk my mom into a fucking

three-way with a hooker.

Or maybe not a hooker.

Like, you know, one
of my fucking aunts.

Like-- not a blood aunt,
but like one of those women

that you call aunt.

But she just-- they know--
the friends of your parents.

And like, you know,
Uncle Jay to Harley.

Like, not really your uncle, but
we call him Uncle Jay and shit.

But just my old man being like,
why don't you, me, and fucking

Judy get it on, Grace?

And grace being like, you
are so fucking high, Don.

And my father going to work
every night at the fucking post

office, a soul-killing
fucking job,

just sitting there
processing mail.

He was a guy that
canceled stamps, right?

Whenever you got your mail
and the stamp was canceled,

that was my old fucking man.

And he hated fucking doing it.

And the only thing that kept
him alive night after night

was like, I'm going to
get those two together.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

I'm going to get them together.

And it's going to make up for
this shit, I'll tell you what.

Then I'm going to take
Kevin to see a matinee.

Are we done, sir?

Right on.

Thanks.

Good on you with
the Chuck Norris.

I'm not going to
let my mom see this.

Yes.

So, uh, who's the
biggest dick in Hollywood?

You.

Me.

Um, I don't know,
sir I don't know.

Who is the biggest
dick I ever met?

Yeah.

That we would know.

I guess he's up there.

Eisner?

I mean, I never really
had dealings with him.

Chuck Norris, I
mean-- I don't know.

Tim Burton?

Affleck?

No, no.

Not really.

Chewbacca.

Who?

Chewbacca.

Who?

The black guy.

The black guy?

Chewbacca!

The black guy, eh.

You know the one.

He's black.

Fiorentino.

J Lo.

No.

No.

I can't-- honestly, there's
the biggest dick I ever met.

Matt Damon.

Matt Damon is so not a dick.

He's a good guy.

I don't know.

Honestly, like you
know, there are people

I've talked about and shit.

- Doherty.
- Doherty is not a dick.

She's actually all right.

Russell Crowe.

Who?

Russell Crowe I never met.

Maybe, though.

Apparently everybody
has an idea except me.

You really should have
directed it to them.

Yeah, I guess so.

But I don't know.

I mean, there are
people I've worked

with that I haven't liked.

And I've, of course, talked
about them at great lengths.

But I guess since that
DVD, I haven't really

met anybody that-- that
I haven't really liked.

Although, there are
people that I haven't

like that I use to like
and now I'm just like,

woo, what a dick.

Such as?

Mel Gibson.

What happened?

What happened to Riggs?

Martin Riggs went--
really went crazy.

Like fucking nuts.

To the point where he's just
like, I'm not about stem cells.

I don't believe in
chewing up little babies

and feeding them to people.

Like, what?

Like, Gibson-- you know,
he makes the fucking

"Passion," which whatever.

But, um, apparently
during the "Passion" shit,

like announced that his old man
is like a-- a Holocaust denier.

Which is like, what?

Your old man is one of those
people that's just like,

it wasn't 6 million.

Maybe 2.

And I even doubt that.

It was probably their
own fucking fault.

Strange shit like that.

And they belong to this real
weird sect of Catholicism

where they just don't recognize
any pope post-Vatican II.

Like, they like it when
the priest was turned

around facing the other way.

Because back in the
old-- pre-Vatican II,

the church-- mass
used to be in Latin.

And the priest would face away.

So he was always
doing this shit.

And you'd be in the audience
going, what's going on?

Oh, he's making Jesus.

Like a cooking show,
but from the back.

But then he, you know,
went and made the fucking--

"The Passion," which to
me was like, why bother?

Why would you bother making
another movie about Jesus

after "The Last
Temptation of Christ?"

Because "Last Temptation
of Christ" to me

was the ultimate be-all,
end-all Jesus movie, right?

Took Jesus, made him
more interesting than he

had ever been in the Bible.

Because in the Bible,
it's all beatitudes and

miracles and shit like that.

And then-- and then he dies
and he's the sacrificial lamb.

And he always has
something nice to say

or the right thing to say
at the right time and shit.

But "Last Temptation of
Christ" made him a total pimp.

Because he was just like, I
don't know if I want to be God.

And then he goes out to the
desert and he comes back

and he's like, I used
to believe in love.

Now I believe in this.

And it's a fucking axe.

And you're like, get 'em, Jesus.

Cut them down.

Break the chain of evil.

Oh, Jesus is here.

Shit's on.

Kick his ass.

Kick his ass.

And then, the-- the
fucking "Passion" movie,

they take-- they took
the man's balls away.

Suddenly he was back
to like, you know,

blessed are the cheese
makers and shit like that.

And then take it one step
further and they're like,

let's beat the
fuck out of Jesus.

And they beat him up and shit.

And just, I don't know.

I fucking took a lot
of shit for making

a movie about religion
that had a fucking rubber

poop monster in it.

And they made a movie where it
was just like, is this Jesus?

You fucking, fucking,
fucking faggot.

And you know?

Like, total hate crime Jesus.

Beat the shit out of him because
he was a man of peace and shit.

We want war!

And people went in droves.

They fucking paid.

They paid to go
watch it and shit.

I was in, uh-- where was I?

I was in Texas the
day that it opened.

And there was a multiplex
that like had fucking 12, 24

screens, something like that.

Religious group came in,
bought every fucking screen

and showed "The Passion"
on all those screens.

Busloads of fucking Jesus-loving
Christians coming in with kids.

Getting off the bus with little
fucking kids who are just like,

we can't wait to see
Jesus get beat up.

And I was taught to love
Jesus, not fucking beat him up.

So that movie, I was just
so-- so not down with.

And it just-- it
didn't deviate, right?

It was just like-- that's why I
didn't feel the need to see it.

Because like fuck
it, I read the book.

I know what's going to happen.

It's like going in to
"Titanic" and shit.

The whole time I was just
like, the boat fucking sinks.

Like, we all know this.

There is no chance that
the boat won't sink.

At least you go
in and see fucking

like, any-- any-- of course,
evil usually gets triumphed

by good and shit like that.

But you go-- every
once in a while,

they throw you a
curve ball. "Empire

Strikes Back" ends miserably.

Everybody's like, oh, Jesus.

Everything went wrong.

And fucking he's gone.

And this dude got
his hand cut off.

And she's fucking--
she liked the dude,

but he was like, I know.

And that was it.

And fucking nobody
got what they wanted.

And Vader was just like,
I'll be back, you know?

And then the next
movie, everybody wins.

So-- but, you know, you have
no idea that was coming.

But with the
fucking Jesus movie,

like "Titanic," you know
what's going to happen.

Jesus is going to
hit the iceberg.

No two ways about it.

Any move with Jesus in it
is going to end like this.

So I was just like, fuck it.

I don't want to go and see that.

Like, you want to show
me a movie about Christ.

Show me a movie
about Christ's life,

or Christ walking around going
like, you, get up, Zippy.

Right on.

You, here's some fish.

Where's the loaves?

Coming at you.

You know?

Not the movie where it's
just like pfft, pfft,

pfft, oh, fuck.

You know?

Not again.

If it were me, I would have
deviated from the text.

I would have done something a
little bit fucking differently.

Because fuck it, you know?

You know everyone's
going anyway.

Because they're all
Christians, right?

What else they got to do?

It's that or watch
"Touched by an Angel."

So they're all going, so they're
expecting the fucking same old,

same old and shit like that.

Just give them a little
something different.

Spin it a little bit.

I would have-- I would
have set the movie up

a little bit differently.

I wouldn't have gone
like he did where

we go through the
passion of Christ

and it ends with
him fucking dying.

I say, fuck it.

Let him die right at the top.

Right away.

Curtain comes up and shit.

The passion of fucking
Christ as told by Smitty.

And, um-- and right
away, it's just--

and he's getting nailed
up and shit like that.

And everyone's like, ah.

Die, King of the Jews.

And he's just like, oh, man.

Fucking.

At least.

At least we're going
to fucking do it.

At least I'm going to
save these fucking people

and shit like that.

Five minutes, right away.

So the whole time people
in the audience going,

well, I guess maybe
they're going to tell

it in fucking flashback form.

Like, maybe you're
going to start

at the end and work backwards.

But no, we don't do that.

Because just as he's out there
and he's about to die and pass

into his fucking
Heavenly kingdom,

the glory of God,
two ninjas swing in.

Two fucking ninjas
swing in wielding uzis.

Just spraying centurions.

And they're like, good God.

Ninjas with uzis.

This is the most
anachronistic movie ever made.

And bang, hitting the ground and
one fucking ninja scurries up

the cross, pulls
out the claw hammer,

pulls the nails out, and
puts Jesus over his shoulder.

And he's like, I'm
supposed to die.

And he's like, not on my watch.

Then you've got
interesting places to go.

Because you can go
anywhere with that movie.

If I'm sitting there and
that happened, I'd be like,

I am fucking in.

And they get him to a
safe distance and shit.

And he's like, who are you?

And they pull of the masks.

Jay and Silent Bob.

And that's it.

They only have a cameo.

And then they're like-- uh,
Silent Bob says something.

Pulls a quote from "Star Wars."

And they pimp away.

And Christ is left to live
a normal life and shit.

And he's like, I think I'm going
to become a fucking accountant.

I like numbers, you know?

I was real good with the
moles and the fishes.

Fuck it, I like numbers.

Multiplication is my bag.

And then he's just
like, fuck Christianity.

I'm a satanist now.

And he starts
holding black masses

when he's not doing math.

Like you would fuck with a
billion Christians heads.

They'd be like, is this
in the fucking book?

Religion just came to life.

You'd see a lot more
kids get into it.

They're like Jesus
is into Satan?

Yes!

I am down with G-O-D. That
don't fucking happen like that.

So I didn't go see
that fucking movie.

Fuck it.

Me neither.

What was your question?

Uh, the biggest
dick in Hollywood.

Biggest dicks in Hollywood?

Yeah.

Uh--

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus fucking figures out-- all
right, you ever see that movie,

"Race with the Devil?"

Definitely not.

"Race with the Devil" is this
old movie from the '70s with

Warren Oates in it, right?

And it's him, Warren
Oates, Loretta Swit,

and two other actors.

Who was the other one?

Peter Fonda is the other one.

I forget who the
other broad was.

And they're in a Winnebago
and they're driving around

and shit-- the country and shit.

Because this is--
you know, that's

what you did in the '70s.

And they come to a campground
and shit like that.

They're camping out.

And then they hear some music in
the fucking distance at night.

And they go out and look.

And they go through
the bushes and shit.

And there is a satanic
ritual going on.

There's a little cult that's
sacrificing a virgin and shit.

And they see it.

And they go, ah.

And then the
satanists turn around.

They're like, wha?

And they fucking spend
the rest of the movie

chasing this Winnebago.

Put Jesus in that movie as the
guy who drives the Winnebago.

You know, there's some metaphor
you could mix in there.

Christ is always
leading us away from--

And at the end of the movie,
to get away from the satanists,

they all hide behind a rock.

We good?

- We're good.
- Thank you, sir.

Thanks.

What would
you do for a flying car?

Lord?

What would I do
for a flying car?

Fucking, uh, I would
suck two dicks, sir.

Even if they were like,
you just got to suck one.

I'd be like, that's
worth two to me.

You can have a fucking
sword fight in my mouth

for the flying car.

Oh, like you wouldn't do it?

You're all liars.

Suck three dicks
for the flying car.

Three at once.

Take it up the chute.

Fucking turn me.

Fuck you, I'm honest.

Turn me into a
fucking pincushion

you give me a flying car.

Fuck you, straight people.

OK, I don't know what the
fuck to say to follow that.

You should be saying,
sir, I have a flying car.

And it's going to cost you.

No, so my serious
question was, there's

a little news
article circulating

the internet a few--
about a week ago.

I know it's not true, but it
was about Ben Affleck saying

that he's pissed off at
you about you making him,

like appearance he
doesn't want to make.

And I know it's not true.

You've debunked it
on your website.

I was just wondering, maybe you
could explain the story for us.

Clarify?

Yes.

Yeah.

So he, in an
interview, he fuck--

somebody's like, hey,
Kevin was mad you didn't go

to the-- we had an opening of
the "Jay and Silent Bob Secret

Stash"in Westwood, where we
did a signing of the"Clerks

10" DVD and the
"Jersey Girl" DVD,

which came out that same day.

And I was like, dude, you want
to come down for the signing?

Knowing in a million years he
never would because Affleck

doesn't do that kind
of shit because he's

too busy fucking his career up.

And, um--

Um, so-- so he was
like, no, dude.

You know, I'm not
going to do that.

I said, that's
totally fucking cool.

And somebody, when
they interviewed him

on the "Surviving Christmas"
junket was just like,

Kevin was really mad that you
didn't go to that signing.

Which I totally wasn't.

He knew I wasn't, but whatever.

But he was like, fuck,
Kevin and his fucking store.

And fucking putting himself
on all the merchandise.

Blah, blah, blah.

The same fucking
routine he always does.

The same, you fucking sell
shit with your face on it,

you QVC whore.

Go-to joke that he
uses all the time.

And somebody-- it was in
the-- somebody put it,

you know-- did a transcript of
the interview on Dark Horizons.

And then this woman
named Jeannette Walls,

who runs a column called
"The Scoop" on MSNBC.

She's a gossip whore.

Um, I'm sorry, columnist.

Took-- took a piece
of the transcript.

You know, not kind of
saying-- not putting

it in context whatsoever.

And said like,
Affleck's gone nuts.

And now he's just lashing out at
his friends and shit like that.

He called you gay.

What?

Ben Affleck
called you gay.

Called me gay?

Did he in that piece?

He called me gay?

Oh, he wrote-- he
signed it on the book?

I know.

He stole my move.

I used to-- every time somebody
gives me a "Dogma" book

or a cover-- a
cover to the video,

I always write "so gay" with
an arrow pointing at him.

And now he's fucking like,
dude, if I get them first,

I'm doing it.

I'm-- so then you
got nowhere to go.

So he writes "so gay" with
an arrow pointing to me.

And then I write "not really."

But "really gay" with an
arrow pointing at him.

Or, I don't even
write "gay" anymore.

I just write "Gigli" with
an arrow pointing to him.

So anyway, Jeannette Walls ran
it as like an item going like,

these two are at fucking war.

Affleck has gone out
of his fucking mind.

He's attacking his
friends and shit.

But it was so not the case.

And it's such a shame
that I had to fucking

explain it at all and shit.

But, uh--

Not to you, just that I had
to explain it on the website.

But, uh, I talked
to him after that.

I was like, dude, did you
see what Jeannette Walls did?

He was just like, dude,
you knew I was kidding.

I was like, dude, I fucking
know you're kidding.

But it's been exerted
places and people

are trying to run it as a
real item and shit like that.

So I just want you
to know that from now

on I'm going say
like, I'm sorry.

I couldn't read it
because I was too

busy dodging a falling star.

And he was like, oh,
you fucking bitch.

You just-- now I mean it all.

But yeah, it was
just kind of a joke

that got taken out of context.

But that-- proving once again
that they will find anything

to write about that dude.

Like he's that fascinating.

Like, I love Ben.

I think he's really
funny and shit.

Not-- not that interesting.

Not interesting enough
to warrant an item

every week in "Us Weekly," which
has really become "Ben Weekly."

Which I actually kind of like.

But-- but god, everything
they'll fucking write about.

There is one piece where they
were like, he wears a wig.

He was getting into a
fucking game of grab-ass

at a bar with Vince
Vaughn and Vince Vaughn

ripped his wig off.

And we were shooting
"Jersey Girl" at the time.

And I fucking went into him.

And I was like, dude,
dud you read this?

And he was like, grab-ass?

Vince Vaughn?

I haven't seen Vince
Vaughn in two years.

I'm like, keep reading.

A fucking wig!

I was like, yes, sir.

Yes.

They saw you have a wig.

He's like fucking--
it's not a wig, dude.

Pull my hair.

I was like, I'll take
your word for it, sir.

Um, but yeah.

They'll just fucking write
shit about a bitch, man.

My heart goes out to him because
he's had a bad fucking year

with people just going like,
let's fucking beat up on him

and shit.

But it just means
that his comeback

will be that much sweeter.

And God willing, it'll
be in a film that I do.

Because then that motherfucker
will owe me so big.

So big.

And then I'll be like, you show
up at a fucking signing, bitch.

We good?

Yeah, fuck the media.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah,
fuck the media.

Yes.

Fuck the media.

Yeah,
fuck them hard, sir.

Fucking media.

Fuck them hard until I need
them to promote a movie.

Then, love them.

What?

Bring the wife up.

Bring the wife up?

Yeah.

Is she-- is she back there?

Is the wife back there?

Well, come on up, hun.

Come on up.

Get her this
microphone, would you?

Yes.

Yes.

Because we have to
ask you a question.

She's
got sweet titties.

She does, sir.

She does.

And you just ensured
yourself that you'll

never get to fuck her.

Because I don't know what
you heard, but chicks

don't really respond to
that kind of attention.

You got sweet titties.

You'll be throttling
your cock for a lifetime

with moves like that, sir.

Chicks like a more subtle
approach than that,

just for future reference.

She got the mic?

You got the mic?

She don't want to-- she
don't want to answer, sir.

I'm too shy.

Just answer this question.

One question.

Jay's going to
answer them for me.

Just
answer one question.

I took off my gear.

How much of the shit
I say-- what'd I say?

What'd I say?

How much of the
shit I say is true?

She said none of it.

Answer this question.

Is your hand in Mewes' lap?

No, sir.

No, no.

He got up to look and shit.

He's like--

Third question, do you
indeed have sweet titties?

I do, indeed.

I mean, she does, indeed.

She said.

She says.

Indeed, she does.

She says.

What was the--
wait, wait, wait.

What was the answer to the
sweet titties question?

I didn't get it.

Yeah.

She said she-- yeah.

She does.

Yes.

The better answer
to that is not

as sweet as yours, man boobs.

I'm not as quick as you are.

I always got to be
writing for folks.

Let's get to your
question though, sir.

OK.

My name's Dan.

And it's half for you
and half for Mewes.

I was wondering,
uh, how much you

had to pay Shannon Elizabeth to
make out with Mewes on-screen?

Oh, sir.

Come on.

He's asking him
how much he paid.

Just back up and stand
under a light, sir.

So we can see you.

You're like fucking Batman.

Batman?

You're out of the light, sir.

Sir, really?

Really in the light.

Come
into the light, sir.

Sir.

We're almost done.

Come up on stage, sir.

But he asked you the question.

Ask the question again.

How much did-- how much did
you guys have to pay Shannon?

It was a lot of money
until she saw this.

Not there.

And the wife--
Nana's there and Jen.

But sir, come back.

Come on.

What, were you
going to show him?

Ask Kevin.
How much was it?

How much she get paid?
I'd like to know, too.

Not a lot.

Not a lot.

See, almost free, sir.

She got paid.

She got paid to be
in the movie, sir.

But the kissing was for free.

And, uh, how many practice
takes did you get with her?

He made sure a lot.

I was like, make
sure I'm going to--

That's how I made $200.

But it's really not-- it's not
really that-- it's not the same

as if-- you know, like
if I found someone here

and brought her in the back.

Because it's like
actually like--

Which is as big a hint
as I like Tim Hortons.

What?

Tim Hortons?

Hint.

A hint of?

Because you're like,
it's not the same

as if I found someone--

If I get to fuck
somewhere here tonight?

There it is.

I saw a girl go woo.

Are you raising your hand?

Wait, wait.

What are we doing?

She raised--
come up to the mic, ma'am.

What was the, uh-- he
mentioned having sex.

And then you were like, woo.

What is that all about?

What was that all about, eh?

He's fucking hot.

He's the hottest piece
of ass I've ever seen.

So we're going to
fuck, you're saying?

What now, sir?

He want--

Throw some half-half-whole
up in that piece?

Wait, wait, wait.

Now, show them what
half-half-whole is, sir.

Show them what
half-half-whole is.

You saw it.

Show them.

Do half-half--

No, I'm not doing it.

You have to do it.

I'm not doing it.

Show them.

It's your signature move, sir.

Let the people know
what half-half-whole is.

I don't want to do it.

- Just a little taste.
- I'm on the spot.

I can't do it.

You just did it.

Just--

I can't do it.

I'll do the voice,
you do the move.

Ready?

All right.

Here it is.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jason
Mewes, half-half-whole.

Sex with Jason Mewes, ready?

Half-half-whole.

You got to give the swivel hip.

Half-half-whole swivel.

There's more.

There's more.

Wait.

Oh, he's not done yet, ma'am.

Because after the
half-half-whole

comes this-- this
slight moderation.

Ready?

Half-half-whole.

Swivel.

Is there more?

One more.

What is it?

You'll see.

Ready?
You know it.

You know it.
- I'm just going to follow you?

Follow me.

Here we go.

I don't know what
we're doing, though.

You'll follow.

You'll hear it.

All right.

Half-half-whole.

Swivel.

Hide behind a rock.

She loves Kevin Smith, really.

That's Kevin Smith.

He's brilliant.

Ladies and gentleman,
Kevin Smith.

That was, uh--
that was a really--

that was a sweet reaction.

That almost-- almost makes up
for the fact that, you know,

Charles is going
to marry Camilla.

Almost.

This is a very intimate room.

When I heard "theater,"
I was like, right on.

Theater.

But this is kind of like,
uh, Affleck's living room.

Except not as many
whores, I don't think.

Um, we have a few, uh,
members of the British press

in attendance tonight as well.

So, uh, if you see
people writing shit down,

punch them in the face.

Not really.

Punch them in the nuts.

Uh, British press,
I've had, you know,

a decent relationship with.

I haven't really
gotten beaten the shit

out of like some people.

But last time I was here,
I got into a bit of a row

as they say, with some fucking
chavs in the British press.

That's the thing, though.

They weren't even chavs.

If they were chavs, I could
have got along with them.

But they were just
three fucking cunts.

And I don't say that in
the charming British way,

like, oh, you fucking cunt.

I say it in the hardcore
American, like you dirty,

fucking cunt.

These three broads, they call
themselves The 3 a.m. Girls.

They write for "The
Mirror," is that it?

So you've heard of them.

We were coming over and, uh,
to do a "Jersey Girl" premier.

And of course, Affleck
at the last minute--

well, not of course.

We all expected he was
going, but suddenly

came down bronchitis.

Hence, his new
nickname Bronchifer.

And, um-- and had to bow out.

So it was me and the
little girl, Raquel Castro,

who's in the movie, who wound
up doing all the press, which

was, you know, weird.

Because nobody knows her.

And what do you ask an
eight-year-old anyway?

Like, what do you want
to be when you grow up?

Because the kid's
like, fuck you.

I'm it.

I'm acting.

Um, and then me who wasn't
really in the movie.

Basically, I was
the guy who was just

making excuses for the movie
apparently, most of the time.

So it was-- it was kind
of a lackluster premier.

And it was heralded in
the 3 a.m. girls column by,

um-- you know, I
never forget anything.

So I bring shit.

I, uh-- I have an
elephantine-like memory.

And ass.

And, um-- so this is-- this
is what they said initially.

"Surprise, surprise.

Ben Affleck has pulled out
of the UK premiere of movie

turkey-- mm-- "Jersey
Girl" in which

he starred alongside
ex-fiancee Jennifer Lopez.

The star was due to
attend tonight's screening

with director Kevin Smith and
young actress Raquel Castro,

but the 31-year-old is
staying away because he

has-- ahem-- bronchitis."

The "ahem" is just
like-- just dig it in.

You know?

So anyway, this is the part
that really stood out to me.

It's a quote. "It's a
shame Ben has pulled out

because it's obvious this
film needs all the publicity

it can get, says an insider."

Now A, we didn't want
publicity on the movie.

We had too much of it.

Sadly, all bad.

But the thing that
really bugged me,

who the fuck is the insider?

Like a British insider?

Like, who was it?

Because there weren't-- as
far as I knew, there were no

Brits in the cast or the crew.

And I checked.

Because I said
"cunt" an awful lot.

If you say it here, people
are like, right on, mate.

You know?

You say it back home.

They're like, oh.

Cunt?

Ugh.

As if people don't like it.

As if we were in Toronto.

Um.

So, uh, the quoter-- the
insider-- went on to say,

"It's unusual for
none of the big stars

to put in an appearance.

And it says a lot about what
they think of the movie."

Which is like, what?

So who is this
fucking random person?

And why do they
have so much to say?

And why-- was their finger
really on the pulse and shit?

Like, they know so
much about Hollywood?

So we're at the
premiere that night

and this chick,
Carol Ann Hedley, who

was one of the-- the 3 a.m. girls.

Hedley-- you know, right there.

Most people are
named, you know, back

in the day for what they did.

Like I'm Smith.

Presumably somewhere in my
line, I had a blacksmith.

Hedley?

That says cocksucker to me.

So-- so I meet Carol Ann Hedley.

And of course, I
fucking remember

her name and her
atrocious-looking face

from the-- from the byline.

Uh, so I say, hey, what's up?

Who's the insider?

And why are you trashing the
movie without giving it a shot?

Why do you have to
write like that?

Why does it always
have to be negative?

Can't it be positive and shit?

Little girl's here,
first time in England.

You know, she's in the movie.

And-- well, why?

Why go-- and she's
like, you know what?

You're right.

You're turning me around here.

And I was like, I am?

I said, right on.

And so I started giving her
a pretty decent interview.

Then she wrote this.

"It's obvious to
everyone else that Ben

Affleck-- Ben Affleck and J
Lo do not a good movie make.

But at least the director
of their latest flick

has the grace to admit as much."

Um-- "The pair dubbed
"Bennifer" made

"Jersey Girl" before their
rather acrimonious split

earlier this year."

Now, this is my quote.

This is the guy saying--
this is the director having

the grace to admit as much.

"I think from now on I'm
going to have a no couples

rule in my movie, he said."

That's me.

"The negative vibe
surrounding them

has definitely taken
away some of the business

we could have done.

Is that really me
admitting to anything?

Or going like, I'm
so fucking sorry?

This is the worst thing
that's happened to humanity

since the Holocaust.

And I don't know
what I was thinking.

Please, mea culpa.

Mea culpa.

No, not at all.

But this is the
really weird thing.

She refers to me as the movie's
"fat, bearded, Hobbit lookalike

director Kevin Smith."

Now, I'll take fat and bearded.

And you could throw in sweaty.

But Hobbit like?

Like, if I'm a Hobbit,
this bitch is an orc.

But the thing that
really bitch--

bitched me out the most.

The thing that I
really couldn't stand

was the insider thing, because
it's just so vague, right?

Anybody-- you could just
make shit up and be like,

insider told the.

Total insider.

And I think in this
case, it meant some dude

was fucking inside her.

But two can play at that game.

Because I did some
investigating of my own.

And insiders tell me vis-a-vis
regarding the 3 a.m. girls

that for a euro-- not a pound
mind you-- a fucking euro,

you could take any
one of the 3 a.m. girls

and brick in her fucking mouth.

Now, mind you, I don't
know if that's true.

It's just what some
insiders told me.

Seemed credible.

But these British press people
aren't anything like that.

So don't punch them
in the fucking face.

I changed my mind in the
middle of that story.

Um, all right.

So enough about fucking me.

Let's-- let's go over to you
guys, and then come back to me.

So who's got the mic first?

This side of the room.

You got it?

You got the mic?

Yeah, it's a real
hand raising affair.

And don't-- you know.

Jut right the fuck.

Be American about it.

Like, hey, I demand things.

It is my right.

According to our Constitution
that we piss all over.

First question of
the night, sir.

Set the tone.

OK.

First of all, on
behalf of everyone

here, thanks a lot for
coming over to England.

It's great to have you here.
- Thank you.

Very grateful--

--to be here.

Thank you.

Thank you.

My question is regarding your
fictional cartoon characters,

Bluntman and Chronic.

Yes.

Is there a chance
that we might see

a Bluntman and Chronic
movie at some point?

And also, if you don't
make one, is there

a particular Marvel
or DC comic character

that you'd like to
make a movie about?

Seeing as you've already
starred in "Daredevil."

So basically in England,
there's a 46-part question.

It's never as simple as
like, who would you fuck?

I'm like, well, um.

Let's take it piece by piece.

I've to wait for you to get all
the way back around the room,

so I've got to get it
all in at one point.

Right.

Right.

Cram it all in there and shit.

Exactly.

I understand.

I grew up fat.

What can you do?

So I always understand
the feeling of like,

this might be my last meal.

You feel my pain.

You feel my pain.

Thank you.

You got it?

Really?

All right, let me see your gut.

You don't look that fat.

You're sitting next to a chick.

Do you know him?

No?

You will by the
end of the night.

I'm going to romance you two.

For each other.

Oh, you're with him?

Fuck that guy.

Um, why him?

He seems rather fit.

Go for the heavy guy.

Heavy guys are awesome lovers.

Once you get past the
grotesque swinging gut.

Heavy guys try harder because
they got a lot to make up for.

And they're so
fucking slobbering--

slobberingly grateful,
for even the tiniest

piece of pussy they're thrown.

You will be eaten
out like you've

never been eaten out before.

You'll be eaten out like
a man coming off a desert

island digging into a chicken.

I mean, you do have the
skills to back this up, right?

I would hate to go this
distance and have you be like,

I'm sorry, I like cock.

So Bluntman and Chronic.

Are we ever going to make a
Bluntman and Chronic movie?

Came close.

And that's what
eventually became "Jay

and Silent Bob Strike Back."

Like I had initially
thought, hey, maybe

a whole movie about
Bluntman and Chronic.

Um, and I forget
who I ran it passed.

I think I ran it passed Mewes
and was like, what about us

as superheroes the whole movie?

He was like, you
really want to do that?

I was like, wouldn't it be cool?

We could do like a
fake comic book movie.

He's like, you going
to wear tights?

I was like, you're right.

Maybe just a scene because
we don't need that.

So no, probably no Bluntman
and Chronic feature.

Um, maybe in the
comic book form.

Maybe I'll get around
doing another Bluntman

and Chronic comic.

But I can't see myself doing
a whole-- a whole feature

about it.

And what
about the, uh,

sort of X-Men type
character angle.

Would you ever think
about doing like a Batman

or a Superman type movie?

Or a Fantastic Four?

Do like a big comic book movie?

Yeah.

At one point, I was
attached-- and still am,

kind of, to the Green Hornet.

I was going to-- you know, I
was doing Superman at one point,

a long time ago.

But, um-- and we won't
talk about that anymore.

But, uh, I was attached to do
Green Hornet up till recently,

when I decided to not direct it.

I wrote it.

You know, I turned
in a first draft.

Turned in a second draft.

But I don't want to direct it.

Because for me, I just
don't have the patience

to do a movie like that.

Like when it was offered
to me, Harvey Weinstein,

the chairman of Miramax,
is like, you want

to do the Green Hornet movie?

And I was like, you want to
give me a comic book movie?

You want to give me
a comic book movie?

I comic books.

He's like, that's
why I asked you.

So I would fucking
love to do it.

It was one of those things
that you're so happy to get,

that you don't think
about it until, you know,

the smoke is fucking cleared.

And it's announced and shit like
that, that you have no interest

in doing it whatsoever.

Like, I love watching
comic book movies.

But making one, fucking boring.

Like the few times I've actually
had to shoot an action sequence

in some-- what passed for
an action sequence in some

of the flicks we've
done, it's always

so tedious and fucking slow.

And it's just like, you
grab this little piece here.

And you shoot that
fucking until it's right.

And then you grab this
little piece here.

It's a series of cuts.

Whereas, when you're
shooting dialog,

it's just people sitting
there shooting the shit.

And they're saying
the dialog you wrote.

And I'm kind of in love with
my own shit, so it's just fun.

I'm like, that's great.

Let's do it again.

Like, it wasn't good enough?

I'm like, it was great.

I just want to hear it again.

Action sequences take
like a day to shoot.

And then at the end of the day,
when you cut them together,

it's like maybe 10
seconds of screen time.

So that kind of
shit's boring to me.

Also, I just don't have
it in me to be a real,

like visual, visceral director.

Like, I'm not the guy--

My version of the Green Hornet
would be like the Green Hornet

and Kato leaning against
the Black Beauty,

the amazing super-car
that can do anything,

and talking about,
you know, pussy.

I mean, it's that simple.

And then Kato would just be
like, hey, is that a crime

happening over there?

Pointing off-camera.

And we wouldn't even pan to it.

And Green Hornet would be
like, yeah, you're right.

We should do something about it.

Let's roll, Kato.

And then they step out of the
frame and we hold on the car.

And we just hear
shit-- ass kicking.

And then the two come back
and they're just like--

so where was I?

Oh, totally, dude.

Anal sex has nothing
to do-- you know?

And just go on from there.

And nobody wants-- wants
to make that movie.

Like if I could get away with
that-- making that version

of the movie, like the least
visually interesting comic book

movie of all time, that's
essentially like one

of my chick-- one of my flicks,
but just putting motherfuckers

in masks, I'd do it.

But nobody will finance that.

And the thing is once
you take a budget,

like budget of Green
Hornet's going to be

like $50, $70, $80 million.

Once you take a budget, you
have to start listening to what

other people have to say.

It's no longer your flick.

Like Green Hornet would
never be my movie.

It would always be like this
movie that was kind of noted

to death because wisely, the
people who invest the money

in it, which would be Miramax,
or whatever the new company

Miramax becomes--
or Harvey and Bob

become when they leave Miramax.

They would want to make
back their investment.

You don't make your money back
doing my version of the movie.

So essentially, they'd be like,
oh, it's got to-- an action

beat's got to happen
every 10 pages.

You got to follow a formula.

Like, you'd hear a lot of
like-- do it like Spiderman.

So I'm like, what?

He should shoot fucking
webs and act really stiffly?

I was going to say,
if you were to make it,

would you put Affleck
in the leading role?

I would totally cast Affleck.

Totally, totally.

I would cast that
dude in anything.

Anything whatsoever.

Yeah, Green Hornet.

I'd cast him as Green
Hornet and Kato.

Just have him doing a really
insulting Asian accent.

Do split screen.

Have him talk to himself.

Kato, do you like pussy?

Oh, me love pussy.

Just where critics were like,
we don't even know what to say.

He's fucking lost his mind.

Yeah, it's funny.

But he lost his mind, you know?

So no, I'm not a-- you got
to give movies like that

to people like Bryan Singer.

Like, you know, I
love-- he did "X-Men."

He did "X-Men 2."

And I love those movies.

He's going "Superman" now.

And I love fucking "X-Men 2."

I thought that was an
insanely well-made comic book

movie and balanced a lot of
story lines and shit like that.

And just-- it works
so well because it's

just one big gay parable.

Essentially, "X-Men"
is about being gay,

and how weird it is to live in
a world surrounded by people

who are like, ew, you're gay.

So it's totally entertaining.

But meanwhile most people
don't view it like that.

Most people view it, you
know, the way it's presented.

Where fucking, you
know, Toad is getting

the shit beat out of him by
Cyclops, or some such shit.

Or, Wolverine is
taking on fucking,

um-- Colonel Striker's
attacking-- team attacking,

you know, the mansion.

But me, I'm sitting there going,
this is all about being gay.

You know?

And so you come
out of the theater

and little kids are
like, I loved Wolverine.

Snip, snip, snip.

And you're like, come here.

Come here.

You like Wolverine, do you?

Because if you like
Wolverine, it's

pretty much saying that you'd
put a cock in your mouth.

Let me explain shit to you about
what a gay parable this movie

is.

And you drop science
on, you know,

a little 10-year-old
for about 20 minutes.

And then by the end, you
send him off into the world

ready to eat cock.

Because that's what
the "X-Men" movie is.

It's just preparing a whole
next generation of kids

to be like, yeah, it's
all right to be gay.

I'm done with it.

Wolverine's gay.

That fat guy told me he is.

So I'm kind of hoping Bryan
Singer takes, like "Superman"

and just turns that into
a gay parable as well.

Just make it all about
how Superman is gay.

And Lois is like, oh, Superman.

He's like, whatever.

Hey, Jimmy.

I see you have a camera.

So I don't know.

Give it-- give it to those cats.

Those cats know how to
make movies like that.

You know?
I don't.

I don't know how to
make movies like that.

I'm really not that interested.

Like as soon as the smoke
cleared from-- from "Green

Hornet" and the fallout of
"Jersey Girl," I was just like,

you know what?

Fuck it.

I'd rather make a small movie.

I'd rather make
something really cheap.

And that's eventually--

And then we were working
on the "Clerks 10" DVD.

The 10th anniversary DVD.

And I was like, this
is what I'd rather do.

And I'd rather go back and see
what these dudes are about.

Because it's kind of like
making the "Green Hornet,"

just taking off the masks.

Well, my version of
the "Green Hornet."

But just taking off the masks.

So that's where I switched
and I was just like,

this is what I'd rather--
this is what I'm made to do.

Like, this is what I like
to do, shit like this.

I love to watch
comic book movies.

Just don't want to make them.

Too lazy.

Way too lazy.

Because they just require too
much effort and shit like that.

I'm the-- I'm the guy who like,
I don't even fuck on top, sir.

Like, I'm a bottom guy.

Because being on top
takes too much energy.

Like, well, how I can
direct a superhero movie

if I won't even have--
give my wife the courtesy

of climbing aboard?

Where I'm just like, go.

Maybe you're looking to
be the antihero in that?

In my relationship
with my wife?

Like, I'm the villain and shit?

I hadn't thought
about it like that.

I guess so.

My idea of being Lex Luthor
is like, no, you fuck me.

Don't you want to
take over the world?

No.

I just don't want
to do the fucking.

Because I get sweaty,
and then the gut swings.

Just you jump on board and
tell me when you're done.

And then I'll wrap up
and we'll watch some TV.

So no Bluntman and Chronic.

Thanks a lot.

Right on.

Upstairs.

Hello.

Hello.
Where are you?

I'm actually up here.

You missed me.

Hello.

Um, one, I think you're great.

I love all your movies
and your comics.

Thank you.

Comics.

Your comics.

So cute.

Comics.

I've never read one
because I'm a girl.

That is not true.

You read comics?

I've got
loads of comics.

You're a comic-reading chick?

Yes.
- Right on.

Hardcore.

Got over 300.

You must be fucking swamped
in a comic book store.

I used to work at
Forbidden Planet,

so I've got loads of access.
- Did you really?

You worked there?

You know half those
dudes came in,

they didn't even give
a shit about comics.

They were just like,
she's got boobies.

Big ones, I know.

She's one of those,
what do you call them?

What do you call them, Gordon?

Ladies.

Yes.

She's one of them ladies.

Hello, love.

My accent is-- my
accent is not that bad.

It's not that bad?

I got a comic book store.

I know what I'm talking about.

Same shit.

They just don't have
the cute accent.

I'll come work
in your shop then.

Oh, please do.

We'd triple business.

We'd tripled foot traffic.

I don't know if anybody would
buy anything, unless you were

like, who wants to buy this?

I rubbed it on me bum.

Then you'd see
motherfuckers trample

one another to get a book
that touched a lady's bum.

I hope you got a question.

My question is though, you
listed "Shaun of the Dead?

As one of your top 10
favorite films of last year.

I loved "Shaun of the Dead."

Would you consider
working with him?

That's so easy, man.

You just come to fucking--
do the hometown favorites.

You're like, I love
"Shaun of the Dead."

They're like, woo.

So did we.

We're fucking British.

I love "The Office."

Woo.

A smart one he is.

I don't like "The Office."

You don't like "The Office?"

No.

Get out.

Really, you don't
like "The Office?"

No.

"Office" is brilliant.

Wow.

Takes all sorts.

That
job I offered you?

Forget it.

It does take all sorts.

So anyway, your question was?

Would you consider
working with them?

Would I consider working
with the bunch that did, uh,

"Shaun of the Dead?"

I mean, yeah.

If they were like, hey, you
want to be in our movie?

Try to ruin it like
you ruin all yours.

I just can't imagine they
would-- they don't need help,

man.

Those dudes are doing great.

I never saw "Spaced," is
that what it's called?

Yeah.

Until I was flying
over and watched

an episode on the plane.

Fucking brilliant.

It's really, really cool.

So now I'm going to grab
like-- I guess the first three

seasons are out over here?

There's only two out.

Only two out?
- Yeah.

We've been bugging them
for the third season

for quite a long time now.

When you say "we,"
who do you mean?

The British public.

Me and my bloke.

We go to the network.

We're like, where's 3, eh?

It's the first question
that's always asked.

What is she talking about?

Like, what's a Nubian.

When is season 3 coming out?

Oh, for fuck sake.

They get that question
a lot, do they?

And then they're
like, wait a second.

You're one of them ladies.

Yeah, so I like that.

I thought that was really
funny and kind of very much

in the-- looked and felt
like "Shaun of the Dead."

So now I want to see all that.

But I love those dudes.

But I don't think
they need any help.

They seem to have
their own crew going.

Call them.

Next time they work an event,
I'll tell them to call you.

Right on.

I think I'm going to see them.

I think I'm doing
the Empire Awards.

I'm getting an Empire Award.

"Empire" magazine has an awards
thing they do every year.

And they're given me an award.

And I think those dudes
are going to be there.

So I'm going to hit them up.

Be like, can I be in
one of your movies?

They're like, I think the
fat "Clerks" guy wants

to be in one of our shows.

No.

Thank you very much.

You J Lo lover.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Down here.

Yes, sir.

Uh, yeah.

A while ago, you, um--
you did the commentary,

the director's cut commentary
with Richard Kelly.

I did the "Donnie
Darko" commentary, yes.

Just basically,
I wanted to know,

um, A, how that came about.

And B, there was a--
there was a kind of phrase

that you said where you
kind of said to Richard, now

you've done "Donnie Darko."

People will want you to remake
this film, like over and over.

And you said that's basically
how you felt with "Clerks."

I was just going to
ask, with hindsight,

would you actually
consider going back

and maybe have done
"Jersey Girl" earlier?

Or maybe have done something
without Jay and Bob?

Well, I don't think now
having done "Jersey Girl,"

I don't think I'd ever
make another movie

without Jay and Silent Bob.

Because people are
like, are they in it?

No?

Fuck it.

Fuck it.

So, uh-- but, um.

No, I don't think I'd ever
do-- I'd ever done anything

differently looking back.

I really kind of like the
way the dominoes fell.

You know, and it
sucked that "Jersey

Girl" didn't do more business.

But like, whatever.

You know, it doesn't make
me go and want to go back

and catch the fucking
DeLorean and jump back in time

and nearly have
sex with my mother.

For the record, I took
my brother to see "Jersey Girl"

and he said it was your
"Annie Hall," which I think

is a really big compliment.

And he said what?

He said it was
your "Annie Hall."

My "Annie Hall."

I thought it was like,
it was your only hole.

Is that British slang
for like, good job?

It's your only hole, mate.

Your only fucking hole.

You fucking cunt.

"Annie Hall."

He called it my "Annie Hall?"

That's very sweet.

Tell him I said thank you.

I basically mumble
because some fat guy

told me that Wolverine was gay.

Right.

So you're gay?

Not really.

No?

A lot more options
when you're gay.

Shit's opened up.

I was at a comic book show
in, uh-- pun intended.

I was at a comic book show
in San Francisco about

two weeks ago, the WonderCon.

And at the same time,
across the street

they were having this
big bear convention.

You know about
the bear movement?

Like where big dudes that
look like me-- and if I may,

like you-- who are kind of,
you know, hairy and large

are referred to in the
gay community as bears.

And there apparently
are a bunch of dudes who

like dudes who look like us.

Those dudes are called cubs.

Or twinks.

But I like cubs.

That's cute.

So apparently, like these
dudes make out-- like my friend

Malcolm Ingram.

Big, big burly dude.

I don't know, you might
have seen him in stuff.

He directed "Drawing Flies."

And he's been around
some of our stuff.

Great guy.

Big Canadian idiot.

But one day he was just
like-- he called me up

and he-- you know, never
represented himself as being

anything but into chicks.

And then one day
he called me up.

He's like, yo, fuck.

Weirdest thing happened today.

I was like, what is it?

He's like I went
out with some dude.

We went to dinner.

And it turned out it
was a fucking date.

And I was like, what?

And he was just
like, I just thought

I was going out to dinner
with the fucking dude.

It was the fucking date load.

All of a sudden,
we were on a date.

He told me his was gay
and we were on a date, eh.

And I was like, well, did
you then accept the fact

that you were on a date, or--

He's like, well, you
know, he was paying.

So, um-- so that was Malcolm's.

Years later, I realized that
was Malcolm's very charming

way of saying, hey, I'm gay.

Without just saying,
hey, I'm gay.

He acted like he got fucking
hornswoggled into being gay,

you know?

Some dude bought me pizza
and all of a sudden, I'm gay.

Go figure.

Well, I guess that's
what I am, you know?

So-- so Malcolm told me.

Malcolm's like, dude, fucking.

If you like guys, you'd be
huge in the bear community.

Because you know, you
fucking make movies

and you're very sexy to cubs.

And I was like, what?

He was like, truly.

And he's like, you want to see?

Here's a picture
of my boyfriend.

And Malcolm whipped out a
picture of his boyfriend.

And this-- I would
fuck this dude.

Like, this dude's real like
Joe college cute and shit

like that.

Like, real good-looking dude.

And the fact that he
wants to fuck Malcolm

is like-- I want to get
the kid some therapy.

Some help.

Because I got no problem
with him being gay.

But like, being gay and
wanting to fuck Malcolm.

Like, you're like I'm
choosing a life where I'm

nothing but fucking
ridiculed and people

fucking getting on my ass.

And I can't fucking
do what other people--

the straights fucking
do without hearing

it from the fucking church.

And I'm going to fuck
the fat bearded guy, too.

You know?

Like just make it a little
bit harder on himself.

So Malcolm's like,
I'm telling you, man.

This straight thing
don't work out for you,

you can totally fucking
fuck a lot of guys.

And I was like, all right, man.

That's good to know.

Because it would
really just kind

of open up a world of options.

He's like, you go to
a fucking bear bar.

You'd be Marilyn Monroe.

And that's when I started
thinking about it.

Because I always kind of wanted
to be like Marilyn Monroe.

But it didn't pan out for me.

So I'm like,
essentially these dudes

are kind of chubby chasers?

He's like, yeah, you know.

You don't have to
be mean about it.

I was like, well, I married
a chubby chaser apparently.

He's like, well, but you
know, she don't have a dick.

And that's when we moved
onto another topic.

So yeah, bears, dude.

If you ever think about
fucking-- you'd make out.

Apparently.

Yeah.

You like chicks though?

Uh, yeah.

I haven't found one in
about 10 years, though.

Time to try the guys.

What was your question though?

I mean, basically the
whole "Donnie Darko"

thing was because
you're-- apparently

you're in "Southland Tales?"

I'm in Richard's
movie "Southland Tales."

He cast me in it.

I don't know if I'm in it yet.

We haven't shot yet.

But it's just kind
of the whole kind

of, um, second movie thing.

I mean, if-- if you
could go back in time,

would you do "Mallrats" with
Miramax rather than Universal?

Yeah.

Basically, if I could--
if I could go back in time

and narrowly avoid sleeping with
my mother, like Marty McFly,

um, I, uh-- I wouldn't
have made the movie.

I wouldn't have made
"Mallrats" with Universal.

I would have waited another year
and then made it at Dimension.

Because at that point,
Dimension existed

as this kind of genre
offshoot of Miramax,

but they didn't do comedy.

They only did shit
like "The Crow."

So a year later, they started
doing genre comedy as well.

So we could totally fit
right in there, which

is where we eventually
wound up doing "Jay

and Silent Bob Strike Back."

So that was about it.

I mean, that would
be the only thing

I would kind of about changing.

But you know, I don't really
have any regrets regarding

doing "Mallrats" at Universal.

I mean, I did on
opening weekend when

the movie did like no business.

But then the movie
found its audience.

It was kind of this
wonderful organic discovery

of its audience and the
audience discovered it.

And suddenly it felt
like, oh, that's the way

it was supposed to happen.

You know, I just wish
somebody had told me

when I had the fucking
shotgun in my mouth

the day after the movie
opened, where I was just like,

oh, it's over.

But I didn't have any bullets.

Um, so-- so I don't think I
would have-- I don't think

I would have changed that.

"Southland Tales" is a movie
Richard Kelly is doing.

For those of you who
don't know Richard Kelly,

he's the guy who
directed "Donnie Darko."

And he was like, hey, you
want to be in this flick?

And I was like, uh, right on.

Because you know, he
asked me to be in a movie.

I'm like, OK.

Because I'm kind of a
whore for that thing.

That kind of shit.

So, um, I said, what do I do?

And he was just
like, you're a guy

who-- you're kind of like a
Harry Knowles kind of guy.

You run an internet, uh, site.

It's not really a movie.

It's called "Southland Tales."

You traffic in Southland
section of Los Angeles-- gossip.

Kind of like a drudge.

And I was like right on.

So you know, I read it.

Brilliant script.

I was like, oh, I'm totally in.

A month ago, he
wrote me an email.

He's going, um, I'm doing a
redraft of your character.

And you're still
the guy who you are,

but now you're an Iraqi War
vet and you have no legs.

So I was like, like
Lieutenant Dan?

He said, kind of like that.

He's going also,
I was wondering--

and I hope you don't
take this too personally.

But I was wondering
if-- do you think you

could lose 50 pounds to do it?

And I was like, if you chop off
my legs, I will lose 50 pounds.

I said, other than
that, unless you

got like, you know,
gastric bypass

in your budget, that's really
not going to happen, Richard.

He's like, right.

Right.

What about shaving your head?

And I was like, no.

Shit's going thin already.

Like, I'm not going to
speed the plow on that one.

Fuck it.

He's like, all right.

But you will pretend
that you have no legs?

I was like, yeah, that's easy.

He's like, right on.

Click.

Because he's just-- you know.

He's the most normal guy
you'll sit there and talk to.

He's a dude from
Virginia and shit.

Real straight-laced, good guy.

Talk movies and shit.

But like then you
see "Donnie Darko"

and you're like--
credits roll and you're

like, what the fuck happened?

What happened in that movie?

And I ask him.

And he still can't
fucking explain it.

"Southland Tales"
you can understand.

Kind of like it makes sense.

But "Donnie Darko," still to
this day is fucking mystifying.

But-- and I don't even think he
knows what the fuck it means.

I think he just shot a bunch
of shit, threw it in the air,

taped it back together
and said, here it is.

And people are like,
it's brilliant.

Especially here.

They fucking loved it here.

You guys ate it up like
fucking candy over here.

In the States people
are like, pfft.

But here, they were like Darko.

Darko's our religion.

You know?

Richard was very, very
happy with the reception

of the movie here.

I told him I was
coming over here

and he was like, they
love my movie there, dude.

I was like, I'll be
sure to drop your name.

He was like, but don't tell
them the role I want you

to play in "Southland Tales."

I said, I won't.

We good?

Thanks very much.

Thank you, sir.

Yes.

In "Jersey Girl,"
one of the funniest bits

I found was, um, the who
Will Smith storyline.

Yes.

I just wondered
how you managed to, um,

get him in the film.

Did you have to have
a special contract

where he was, um,
contractually obligated

not to do any of his raps?

That's one very long question
that just builds up to you

fucking slamming Will Smith.

You don't even want
to know anything.

You're just like, I'm
going to ask a question

and totally make
fun of Will Smith.

The floor is mine.

I think he's great,
but the raps a bit dodgy.

They're dodgy, are they?

You don't go for like
get jiggy with it?

That's a shame.

I'll let him know.

You are a white girl, though.

I don't know if he
really writes for you.

Um, how did we get him?

It was basically-- there
was a contract involved.

And it was a contract he
had to sign that said,

uh, this would be the
lowest grossing movie he's

ever been in.

Because that movie--
like he opens in movies

and just fucking boom, boom.

They fucking explode and shit.

I think we were
probably the lowest

grossing move that dude's
done in 10 years and shit.

I'm sure he looks
at his track record.

He's like $100
million, $100 million.

What the fuck's that?

It goes off the chart.

That's "Jersey Girl."

Oh.

Fucking fat guy.

He ruined my edge.

Um, how did we do it?

We got him through
Ben and Jen, really.

Because I sent him
the scene and shit.

And sent him a letter.

Originally it was
written for Bruce Willis

because it was set in '86.

And it was around
that period where

Bruce Willis thought he was
a singer for a little while.

I don't know if you all
remember that, when he was Bruno

and he released
an album as Bruno?

And you pick up the album.

You're like, that looks
like Bruce Willis.

And people will be
like, sh, it is.

He did.

He released two albums as
fucking Bruno and shit.

As if we wouldn't notice
that it was Bruce Willis.

And he'd go on stage and
people would be like,

you got to call him Bruno.

I thought that was so funny.

So I wrote about that.

Like basically, he
ran into-- basically,

the thing that
Ollie got fired for

was for essentially being--
it's fucking Bruce Willis.

It's not Bruno.

And then later on, he met him
years later and shit like that.

And we sent it to Bruce Willis
and Bruno just to be safe.

And never heard back from him.

You know, Ben was just like,
I'll fucking handle this, dude.

We were in the fucking
space rock movie together.

Running from the
space rock and shit.

He'll fucking answer me back.

Because I was like,
Harry, I love you.

And Harry didn't answer
him back and shit.

Harry's like, I
don't love your back.

You know?

So we never got a response.

So I rewrote it.

I was thinking, all right.

Well, that leaves us out of '86.

We can update it.

Who is-- if I count
back Gertie's age,

who would be the pop culture
figure who was like big

now who wasn't that big then?

And I was like, oh, shit.

Will Smith.

So I wrote it for Will Smith.

And then we got it to Will
Smith and he was like,

you know, I'd kind
of-- it's funny

and I'd kind of like to do it.

But I think if I
play myself, people

might think I'm arrogant.

Because he's such a sweet guy.

And so like unassuming
and one of the best

people in the fucking business.

Real sweetheart
of a fucking dude.

So, um, I was like, you
got to talk to him, dude.

You know, to Ben.

I was like talk to him, talk
that famous person talk to him

and shit.

Start talking like
in the millions.

And, uh, whatever you
guys make and shit.

Bentleys, Hummers, throw
those words around.

You know, and maybe--
maybe he'll say yeah.

So, um, Ben talked
to him and shit.

And Ben was just
like, look, man.

Like, don't worry.

Like he's easy to
work with and shit.

And you'll come off great.

And trust me, like
you playing yourself,

you come off way
better than when

I played myself in this
motherfucker's last movie.

So-- so do it.

So basically, those-- Ben, and
then also Jen talked to him

because they were going
to do a movie together

at one point, will and
Jen, this remake of "A Star

is Born," or something.

So she knew him through that.

So they both, basically,
asked him and spoke to him

and made him feel at ease.

And he was like,
yeah, all right.

I'll do it.
Showed up.

Greatest, fucking,
sweetest dude in the world.

Just no entourage and shit.

Nice dude.

And then it was weird,
like rehearsing with him.

Because you're like,
well-- he'd do the lines.

I'm like, you wouldn't
say it like that.

He's like, well,
the hell I wouldn't.

It's me, ain't it?

You know?

You're like, oh, right.

You're right.

Get jiggy with it, you know?

What's the-- big chav
community out here?

Not in this room?

Anyone-- is anyone really?

What is vindicative,
representative of a chav here?

Burberry?

Burberry?

Is that a town or the scarf?

It's a scarf?

So if you wear a Burberry
scarf, you're a chav?

Trousers
tucked into socks.

So my wife is a chav?

Trousers tucked into socks?

A chav will take your wallet?

Good to know.

I know a few chavs.

I brought one with me.

Are you back there, Chav?

This shit's always
pretty well-planned.

Is there a chav buried
back there anyway?

Is there one?

Ladies and gentlemen,
my chav Jason Mewes.

What's a chav again?

Um, why don't you field
some questions, sir?

I'm here.

I'm ready.

I have a story to tell, though.

Yeah?

About your toilets.

Yes.

I think I'm going to
bring the-- the toilet

seats over here.

Because it's really deep and
there's hardly any water in it.

So I feel bad for the women
who have to clean the shit

that, like slides on the side.

But I was-- I was shitting
before I came out here.

I know you wanted to know that.

But I went to give
myself a courtesy flush

and the water comes
from the front

and it fucking splashed
all over my balls.

I had to tell that story.

I was thinking-- so I think
I'm going to bring it home

and I'm going to put
it next to my bidet.

And I'm going to be able to
clean my ass and my balls

before I get my dick sucked.

Right?

It's an amazing thing.

But anyway, I thought
it was pretty amazing.

My balls are clean now, so if
anyone wants to suck my dick.

Ladies, that's an
open invitation.

No?

No takers?

Or fellas.

And it will never get
more appealing than that.

A dude whose balls have
been washed by toilet water.

It's gross, though.

Like the woman have
to clean that shit.

When the water
rushed at your balls,

did it mix with the shit water?

No, because it
shoots out the front.

Shit water's
going down and the water--

It shoots out the front.

And it's so deep that the
shit's way down anyway.

But it's like-- there's
no water for the shit

to float-- like go in.

So it just slides down
the side of the fucking--

it's pretty gross, so
you just have to deal

with it all the time, I guess.

We were, uh, on our
way here today and the--

Oh no, sir.

Yes, sir. The cutest
thing happened.

We get off-- you know, when
you travel internationally

and shit, you got
to fill out a card.

And disembarkation card,
disembarkment card.

The fucking card you got
to fill out anytime you

go someplace, like
a different country.

And, um, you know,
they ask for your name.

They ask for your
passport number.

And then ask for
your nationality.

And you know, we're American.

So I wrote American.

And then I looked
at Jason's card.

And under nationality,
he wrote Polish.

I learned something new today.

You did.

I was like, dude.

What?

He's like, well, you know
I got some Polish in me.

I was like, that's not
what they're asking.

They're-- they're asking the
country of your birth, sir.

I really didn't know.

Wow.

I think they thought
it was a joke.

Like, I wrote it as a joke.

But no, I didn't.

We thought the dude
was going to be like,

so you're from Poland then?

No.

Well, that's funny because it
says here that you're Polish.

Which isn't really
a nationality.

The guy just let
me through, too,

because I was laughing so hard.

He's just like, go.

We were-- we were
in line laughing.

And the dude was
like, what's so funny?

I was like, my friend's
a fucking idiot.

Welcome to the UK.

Yes, sir.

If you could be
half-man, half-sausage,

which way around
would you have it?

And why?

One more time.

If I could be half-man
and half-sausage--

Which way around
which you have it?

And why?

Wait, that's the part that--

All right.

So you could have like top-half
man, bottom-half sausage.

Oh, OK.

So which end would
I rather be the man?

Or top-half sausage,
bottom-half man

so you can run around.

Classic.

Which side?

Which side do I want
to be the sausage side?

Oh, yeah.

That is hands down the best
question I've ever been asked.

Uh, I would choose bottom-half
sausage because then I would

finally have a massive dick.

Top-half, not real good.

That's brilliant.

It's a good enough answer?

Not nearly as brilliant
as the question, though.

I've seen you cameo on
shows and movies and stuff.

Do you just-- people call you
up that admire your work and ask

you to be on these shows?

Or do you have, like an agent?

Do you actively
try and get work?

The only-- uh, there were two
shows that I actually pursued.

It wasn't hard-- it
was hardly a pursuit.

It was me going, can I do this?

And somebody was
like, yeah, I guess.

And one was "Law & Order."

I was a huge "Law
& Order" whore.

And I called up my agent.

I was like, you never
do anything for me.

And he was like, excellent
way to start a conversation.

I could tell you want something.

I said yes, I do.

I would love to be
on "Law & Order."

He's going, what do you want to
play, like the fucking suspect?

Do you want to be a lawyer?

One of the defense attorneys?

I said, no.

I just want to be the
guy that leads them

to the guy that leads
them to the guy who

leads them to the suspect.

He's like, let me
see what I can do.

He called back 10 minutes later.

He's like, go to
New York next week.

You're in.

I was like, woo.

And I went.

And I wound up being
the guy who led

him to a guy who led him to a
guy who led him to a suspect.

You know, it was
fucking awesome.

Yeah, I saw it.

It was kind of-- it was
just fun to do and shit.

It was great because I
wasn't expecting-- you know,

"Law & Order" in America is on
like pretty much 24 hours a day

now.

Yeah, basically.

I mean, it's on like four
different channels-- USA, NBC.

But anyways, I
was like watching.

I'm like-- it's a good show to
watch when you're-- basically

don't want to watch anything.

Because everything's
wrapped up in an hour.

So I'm watching.

I'm going--

But you know, that's
like most TV, though.

Well, I know.
I know.

Everything wraps
up rather quickly.

Well, anyhow.

Uh, so I'm watching.

I'm mildly interested.

And I go Kevin Smith.

Yeah.

That's--

Now I've
got heightened

interest in this one.

That was my reaction as well.

And I knew I was
going to be in it.

I went-- what I did was I went
to the mall, to a TV store,

and just hung out there.

Turned every TV to fucking
"Law & Order" and waited.

What was the--

And then when I popped up,
I was like, Kevin Smith.

And there was one
65-year-old black guy

who was like, that's
the dude from Leno.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Yes.

Hi.

What was it like working
with Will Ferrell?

And have you got any
funny stories about that?

Again.

What was it like working
with Will Ferrell?

Will Ferrell.

I don't know what
the fuck you said.

Honestly, I thought
you were like, what

was it like with Boba Fett.

And I was like, I don't know.

What was it like with Boba Fett?

Well, it was quite
nice, actually.

What was it like working
with Will Ferrell?

You now, the dude's
hysterical as fucking hell.

Just really, really funny guy.

Constantly, like making jokes.

But not like, you know,
ba-dum-bump kind of jokes.

Just constantly funny.

Can't help but be funny.

Even when he tries
to be serious,

the dude's kind of funny.

So, um, no-- no like
killer, fucking stories.

He would come in,
shoot, and then

go back because he was working
on "SNL" at the same time.

So we didn't get to
hang out with him

as much as I would
have liked to.

Did you?

Do you have any?

No?

No Will Ferrell stuff?

No.

Nothing.

Great guy.

Funny.

Funny.

Can I ask--

Sweet.

Can I ask Jason a question?

Yes, please do.

I was wondering if
you'd make my night

and say snoochie boochies
in a seductive way to me.

I don't know if
I could do that.

It's not-- it's not
a sexy word, is it?

Um.

Now you got me on the spot.

I don't know if I can do this.

Hold on.

Let me get in the mood.

Snoochie boochies.

I tried.

Never had to do that before.

That might work, huh?

Are you a little
wet in the pants?

Yeah.

You are?

That might work.

I'm going to try that
tonight when I go out.

I'll be like, snooch.

Thanks.

Thank you.

I'm by myself.

Questions anywhere.

Fuck this thing.

Fuck that.

Fuck these guys.

Um.

Up here.

Fuck that.

You're too far.

Dude.

Fuck the mic.

It's my show now.

It's "Evening with Jay Mewes."

What?

Do something for us.

Do a monologue.

Do a monologue about, um,
eating a clit, licking the clit.

Do it.

OK.

You say you're the
clit commander.

Can I be your
commander in chief?

I like the clit, too.

I love the clit.

I love the clit.

And.

But you got to get
the hood apart.

You got to pry the hood apart.

And then just get your
tongue, just underneath there.

And then just tease it.

Tease it a little bit
with your fingertip.

And then slide underneath
the clit and around.

And then inside, inside, inside.

And then back to the clit.

Back to the clit.

Don't overdo it.

Not too hard.

Don't bit.

Never bite the clit.

Never suck too hard.

Just lick it.

Lick it gently.

How was that?

Love that.

Was that OK?

If it was my movie,
I'd cast you, sir.

Thank you.

If I could
cast you, I would.

Thank you.

Awesome.

I might want you to eat
my ass tonight, sir.

Come on.

Sorry, I don't do ass.

Come on, sir.

OK.

Maybe in your case
I'll make an exception.

That was awesome.

You know Woody Allen
don't have Q& As like this.

Um, where were we?

I think that she was--

She got a mic.

Hi, I had a refined question.

Um-- no, not after that.

Me and my friend Neil, we were
talking about sex euphemisms.

And my personal favorite
being pole in the hole.

Neil's-- what was yours?

Would you like a portion?

Did you see me man?

Yeah.

You know what she said, right?

No?

I didn't hear a word.

Sex euphemisms.

What's your favorite
sex euphemisms?

Sex
euphemisms, my favorite.

And yours was what?

Pole in the hole.

Pole in the hole.

And she said-- what's his name?

Neil.

She goes--

He likes, would
you like a portion?

--Neil has one.
What's yours?

And he goes-- she
puts the mic down.

Would you like a portion?

It was the delivery
that was genius.

Brilliant delivery.

Would you like a portion?

Right on.

That's my new euphemism.

What's yours?

It's that now.

Would you like a potion?

What is mine?

Um, what's my favorite
sex euphemism?

I don't even really
have a dirty one.

Because my wife
doesn't let me get away

with really, really dirty ones.

Your-- what's yours?

How about give her
a couple of inches?

What's that?

A couple inches.

I said, how about give
her a couple of inches?

That's a-- really?

Is that what girls
say over here?

Maybe just me.

Fuck.

We're in the wrong country.

Because you ask for
just a couple inches,

that's what you get from me.

It's all in.

It's there.

All in.

That's balls deep right there.

Can I ask a nicer question?

Um, have you ever been
watching one of your own movies

and sat there and smugly
thought to yourself,

I am a fucking comic genius?

No.

I sit there and watch my own
movies and I'm just like,

would you like a portion?

No.

I don't know.

I rarely watch the
movies anymore.

You know, just because
you spend so much

time with them
making them that you

don't really think about it.

But you know-- you spend-- well,
that makes no fucking sense.

You spend so much time
with the fucking movies,

by the time the
movie's done, you don't

want to ever see it again.

Like I've seen every
one of those movies

so many fucking times.

Then you let some years go by.

Like "Clerks" I was
only able to appreciate

again recently because I
hadn't watched it in a while.

I was like, hey, this
is pretty fucking good.

It's fun.

This dude's funny.

But, uh, never-- never like,
ooh, I'm a comic genius.

Because like my man that
stood up and do the fucking--

his clit monologue.

And suddenly I'm like, well,
anybody could that shit.

He's lying.

Do you think I--

He bluffs.

You're always just like,
I'm fucking brilliant.

I'm so-- Mewes leave.

Come on.

I want to be alone with myself.

He does.

Would you like a portion?

What, um-- what is
your euphemism for sex?

Um, knock the bottom
out, you talking about?

Knock the bottom out?

Knocking the bottom out.

Does that work?

Let me knock the bottom out.

Hit a girl with it.

Go ahead, hit her with it.

Come on, I already
did the snooch, dude.

Come on, man.

Yeah.

But you would never
do that in real life,

like snoochie boochie.

No.

I wouldn't.

After-- how do you--
how do you approach them?

You just say, let
me knock the bottom.

Let me knock the fucking--

Let me get up in them guts.

How do you say it?

How would you say it to her?

I don't know.

I mean, mine's more jokey.

I'm not really--

So let's-- let's hear the joke.

I don't know, dude.

There's a bunch.

Knock the bottom out.
Let me get up in them guts.

I'm saying, knock
the-- you do it.

What?

Let me get up in them guts.

Dude, your mom's here.

Don't ask me this stuff, sir.

I hate it.

Is it-- you really?

That fucking works on somebody?

No, it never works.

This is what works.

Not really.

Because-- yeah.

No.

I got to piss really
bad, so I'm leaving.

And I'm going to
smoke a cigarette.

Oh.

And I'm going to go jerk off.

All right.

I'm going to have my
balls washed again.

What he say?

What is it, let me
get up in them guts?

Is that what he said?

Let me get up in them guts.

Would that work on you,
if some dude was like,

let me get up in the guts?

Maybe if it was Jason.

Usually, no.

But like that with that
harsh, hostile tone?

Let me get up in them guts.

I think I'd be like, oh, shit.

Try whispering it.

Was is it?

Try whispering it.

Try whispering it.

I don't even think I
could pull that off.

It would just sound
spooky, wouldn't it?

There's nothing fun
about that, or playful.

Do you like your vag
being referred to as guts?

Let me get up in them guts.

Bloody hell, no.

You're the bear.

What was your
favorite euphemism?

Pole in the hole?

Pole in the hole.

That's how you referred to it?

Not normally, but it amuses me.

Not normally, though.

No, I understand what
pole in the hole means.

But thank you for
the demonstration.

Because I was a little-- what
does she mean, pole in the--

Personally.

Pole in the hole.

Personally, fanny fun.

That's when you're sitting
around with your girlfriends.

You're like, oh, we had a little
pole in the hole last night.

Hehe.

But you don't say
it to your man.

You're not like, come on.

If I'm out with my lady
friends, it's either giving

away the whole pudding or--

What is it?

Giving away the whole pudding.

Um--
- I didn't hear that.

What?

Giving away the whole pudding.

Giving away the whole pudding?

Yes.

You British broads are dirty.

I mean, when you say
the whole pudding,

you mean H-O-L-E or W-H-O-L-E?

Like giving away
the hole pudding

or giving away
the whole pudding?

Whichever takes your fancy.

Go for it.

Or, a bit of fanny fun.

What was the other one?

A bit of fanny fun.

A bit of funny fur?

Fanny fun.

Fanny fun.

Fanny fun.

Family fun?

Fanny fun.

Spell.

F-A-N-N-Y.

Fanny fun.

Like ass play?

No.

Not ass play?

Fanny
here means fanjita.

What is it?

Pussy.

Oh, fanny covers
pussy up here as well?

Fanny means pussy.

Back home,
fanny is your ass.

Yeah.

No.

It's not here?

Not here. No.

Well, that would suck.

I can see why every British--
British woman I've tried

to fuck has been very confused.

Would you like a
bit of fanny fun?

Oh, Jesus.

Yes.

Hey, hey, hey.

I said fanny fun.

So did I.

So fanny is the front
part, the girl part?

It is, indeed.

It's literally ass back home.

Like I'll spank
you on your fanny.

Not here.

Yeah, you wouldn't want to
get spanked on the fanny here.

Nasty surprises.

No.

How many international
incidences have been causes

because of that, you know?

Fanny fun.

Interesting.

Having known
many international guys,

it's not a problem.

Two countries separated
by a common language.

Is that it?

And it all comes
down to fanny fun?

Yes.

Down to the word "fanny."

I think that was the cause
of the Revolutionary War.

I think so, too.

Excuse me.

Yes.

After that conversation,
what does your mother

think of you and your career?

I don't know.

Can we ask?

When I knew I was coming
over here, um, I was like,

would you-- you want to come
see me do Q& A in England?

Because it's just like
doing a Q& A in America,

but everyone sounds smarter.

Except for that broad.

But, um--

I forgot that the show tends
to be a little bit blue.

She has spent a lot of
the show with her head

in her hands shaking.

Have you
really been shaking--

up there just editorializing?

Shaking your head, like, oh.

My mother in the
beginning-- I remember

when the movies-- when "Clerks"
got picked up and shit.

She was just like, I think--
I think it's terrible.

All they do is
curse in the movie.

And I think that
reflects poorly on me.

I was like, really?

She's like, everyone is
going to think that I

raised you with a potty mouth.

I was like, well, I'll
set them straight.

So here's me doing it.

My mother never cursed to me.

My mother's one of those
people that's like, oh,

H-E double hockey sticks.

She don't curse, really.

Until you get her
really fucking mad.

And then she's like,
fuck that fanny fun.

Thank you.

Yes?

Um, Jason, I saw "R.S.V.P."

Let me get up in them guts.

Did it work?

No?

Um--

Yeah, let me find out.

No?

How old are you?

17.

I was going to
say, she's a child.

Oh, wait.

I'm 14.

What guts are you talking about?

Mommy.

I'm out of here.

Probation.

"R.S.V.P." what?

Um, I saw "R.S.V.P." and
"Tail Lights Fade," too.

I was just wondering,
does anyone

actually ever offer you
any other kind of role

other than Jay?

Um, here and there.

Here and there.

Not a lot, though.

But I'm doing a movie, uh--
we start shooting next month.

This guy Eric, who
wrote and direct.

It's called "Bottoms Up."

It's about fucking.

No.

But Paris Hilton's in it.

So hopefully we'll be fucking.

Not really.

But she is in it.

And, uh, I think
Paul Walker's in it.

Some other dude.

I don't know.

It's like a $3 million budget.

But no, no one's beating my
door down for Batman or anything

like that.

So--

Is that the dream?

Why, you giving me a job offer?

You got a movie?

Um, my friend sort of does.

Well, not a movie.

Not a movie.

Just, um-- just a stupid thing.

He's going to kill me.

Does this movie involve
a video camera and--

Yes.

And Mewes and--

No.

It's just skateboarding
and things.

Stupid.

There you go, dude.

I could do some moves, right?

Yeah.

You can fucking ollie a bus.

Ollie kickflip.
- Totally.

Right.

I'll let him know.

OK.

Um--

Is that your
dream role, Batman?

No.

That was your go-to,
nobody's offering me Batman.

No.
But I was just saying--

Like if somebody
called right now.

They're like, will
you play Batman?

You're like, I'm gone.

Moves.

No.

You wouldn't do it?

I couldn't be the
Dark Knight, sir.

I couldn't play that.

What a sincere answer that was.

Not like, well, that
would never happen.

Or you know, I don't-- it
would just-- I couldn't be

the Dark Knight, sir.

Thanks very much.

Thank you.

OK.

Go on up.

Yeah.

Good evening
to both of you.

It's a question--

So very British.

Yes, um, good evening
to both of you.

I do have a question
for both of you.

Um, if you had the
job of deciding

the official word of the day,
what would today's word be?

And why?

The official word of the day?

Official
word of the way.

Can it be a hyphenate word?

Sure.

Fanny fun.

Polish.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good night.

Thanks.

That was easy.

Shit, why aren't
they all like that?

Who's got it over here?

Or you can pass over-- somebody?

Oh, somebody up there.

How are you?
- What's up?

Don't jump, sir.

Don't jump.

How old are you?

I'm 19.

Right on.

Almost incredible.

What?

I'm 19.

19.

Yeah.

God, you dressed-- dressed
formal for tonight's affair.

You got your button-down
shirt and shit.

It's cold.

Not here, obviously.

That shirt wards off
the cold, does it?

Well, it has, you
know, something

of the reverse effect in here,
but it was working out there.

Right on.

Right.

Uh, what's your favorite
of the John Hughes flicks?

Uh, uh, uh.

I just thought there was more.

But, uh--

That was it.

My favorite of the John Hughes
flicks, it's not the most--

it's not the obvious.

I go for the later work.

My favorite was "She's Having
a Baby," which "Jersey Girl"

was kind of modeled after.

And that movie failed.

And I don't know why I
thought mine would succeed.

Probably should
have patterned it

after something
like "The Breakfast

Club," which was successful.

Yeah, I was going to
say, "Breakfast Club."

I mean, I love "The
Breakfast-- if you're

talking about just the teen
movies, "The Breakfast Club."

Or I might even
put "Weird Science"

ahead of "The Breakfast Club,"
just because it's so out t

But of the entire
catalog of his directed

by-- his directorial body of
work, I'd give it up for, uh,

"She's Having a Baby."

Thank you.

Only one guy going yes.

Thank you.

Right on.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, I love, like stand-up
comedy and stuff like that.

I was just wondering if you
have any particular favorite

comedians and stuff
like that, that you

like to see or watch or--

Or stuff like that.

Or stuff like that.

Um, Sam Kinison, George
Carlin, Chris Rock, David Cross.

Those are the people
that I really dig.

Um, what's his name?

Bill Hicks, no longer with us

Um, so people like that.

The older Bill Cosby
stuff I really get into.

Like, did you ever hear
that album, "To Russell,

My Brother, whom I Slept With?"

No.

Such a-- I mean, it sounds
dirty, but it's so not.

It's brilliant.

It's like 35-minute bit, one
whole half-side of a record

back when they made records.

That was essentially
about two brothers

trying to go to sleep at night.

Really, really fucking funny.

He was great when he
wasn't selling Jell-O.

And Jay, if he's
paying attention.

Evidently not.

Favorite comedians?

Oh, come on.

I don't have a favorite.

I like David Cross a lot.

That's who I've been
listening with him a lot.

But I'm not one to
listen to comedians,

like on tape and stuff.

And watch on HBO.

I'm not into comedians too much.

OK.

Fair enough.

Thank you.

Quick, right?

She's like, fair enough.

I know.

Both of them are like, fuck him.

I don't know.

Hey, Kevin.

Hi, Jay.
- Hey.

Hey.

This is one for
both of you, really.

Um, if "Clerks" had
never been made,

what do you think you'd
be doing right now?

Sucking dick.

Well, I was going to say
Kevin could probably-- Kevin

could probably pimp you out.

But, um, did you have
any career plans,

or was anybody bugging you
to go to college, like Dante

or anything like that?

Still don't.

Still lacking a career plan.

I probably would
have-- still working

at that convenience
store, because it

was a really good gig.

Really good, easy
gig that I dug doing.

But, uh, that was it.

I was roofing.

I was putting roofs
on houses, so I'd

probably be doing the same.

Or sucking dick, I don't know.

I think
it's cute the you

were like, I was roofing.

And then you were like,
let me explain roofing

to these-- to these idiots.

I was--
- No, no, no.

--Putting
roofs on houses.

No,
I'm-- no, listen.

You dumb fucks.

You ain't got roofs here.

I'm not saying that at all.

But I'm saying when I say
that to people, they'll

be like roofer.

What do you mean?

Really?

I bet there's a few people
that were like roofer.

What-- so I was explaining.

Was anybody confused by that?

No?

Well--

They're British, dude.

They're way smarter.

They are, aren't they?

Super intelligent.

Fuck.

Thanks.

Thank you.

You got a question?

Can somebody-- you want mine?

Kevin.

Sir.

Was, it, uh, a turn-on
shooting Jen for "Playboy,"

or was it distracting?

And what did, uh, Jason
think of the pictures?

Um, for those
uninitiated or don't know,

I shot my wife for "Playboy,"
for the 50th anniversary

issue of "Playboy."

They had a bunch of directors.

They asked them to shoot
their idea of eroticism.

Something erotic.

So I was like, well, what's
more erotic than my old lady?

Because she's the one
that does all the fucking.

So um, you know, I asked them.

I was just like, well,
I'd like to shoot my wife

if that's cool with you.

And they were-- you know,
they were like, well, um,

can-- well, can we
see a picture of her?

Because they looked at
me and they were like--

I don't know.

What chick would fuck him?

And then they saw a
picture, like, oh, yes.

You can shoot her.

Of course, she's very lovely.

You know?

So I got the go-ahead and shit.

And I asked Jen and you know,
I thought she'd be like, you're

out of your fucking mind.

I was just like, so I'm doing
this thing for "Playboy"

and I can shoot, uh, any--
anything I want as long

as-- And she's like, I'm in.

And I was like, you
want to be in it?

She's like, oh, god.

Yes.

That would be so hot.

Me in "Playboy?"

That'd be awesome.

I was like, really?

You don't feel it's
like-- you know,

because my wife is
a real man-hater.

Total hates fucking
men, which is

why she married a dude with
the smallest dick imaginable.

But she really
fucking hates guys.

And she's so insanely
pro-women and shit.

And you know, we can't
even really get into porn

anymore and shit
because, you know,

porn kind of degrades women.

That's what she says.

So I was like, but
you-- but you will

do-- you'll be in "Playboy?"

You don't find it degrading?

She goes, of, fuck no.

They'll make me look hot.

And I was like, well, never
fathom the female mind.

She's like, it is
kind of complex.

So, um-- so we, uh, tried
to come up with a scenario.

And, um, my first idea for what
I thought was erotic involving

Jen was-- I guess it wasn't
met with a resounding fucking

woo-hoo.

Like I told her about it and she
was like, how do you-- what do

you want to do?

I was like here's my
idea of erotic photo.

It's you wearing glasses.

You're dressed up in a
graduation cap and gown.

You've got one diploma in
one hand and the other hand

you're just throwing
up in the air

and the robe is
just kind of open.

And she was like, what the
fuck are you talking about?

And I was like, I don't know.

It's the first time
that came to my mind.

She's like, you
want me to dress up

like a fucking college
graduate with glasses

and-- why is that sexy?

I was like, I don't know.

Because I never
graduated college.

I don't know.

It was the first-- she's
like, we're not doing that.

I was like, all right.

I was like, what if
you dress up like Jay

and I'll be Silent Bob?

And then she kind of
dissected that for a few hours

as to why I would
want to do that.

I think you have some unresolved
issues with your friend, Kevin.

So the third time is a charm.

I was like, you know what?

Fuck it.

You use to be a
newspaper reporter.

Because when I met Jen, she was
a journalist at "USA Today."

She interviewed me.

That's how we met.

So I was like, what if-- what
if you were Lois Lane and we

have Superman in
the photo with you?

And he's kind of holding
you sexily from behind.

And your skirt's blowing
up and shit like that.

And she was like, you
want some other dude

to be in the picture with me?

And I was like, yeah.

And she's like, well, why don't
you just put on the tights?

And I was like, think
about what you just said.

And she's like, it just means
that if you stand behind me

in those tights, I'll
look infinitely sexier

than I-- than I would normally.

And I was like, no, I'm
not going to do that.

I said, we'll get
some dude to do it.

She's like, I'm not
going to be comfortable

being held by some guy.

I was like, trust me,
all male models are gay.

So you know, you don't have
to worry about anything.

It's not like the dude's
going to put the moves on you

and shit.

So she was like, all right.

So we hit "Playboy" up with it.

And "Playboy" was just
like, yeah, totally.

Fuck it.
That's what you want to do?

We'll build a set and shit.

And, uh, we went to the studio
in Santa Monica to shoot it.

And you know, on
the drive there,

she was like, I'm nervous.

I'm really nervous.

I was like, well, you
know, we'll get over it.

She's like, what's
this "we" shit?

You have clothes on.

And I was like, well, what
would be-- you want to pick

up like a bottle of wine?

She's like, a bottle?

Four.

So, you know, we
picked up some wine

and went to the studio and shit.

And then they spent like three
hours doing makeup because they

do your entire body and shit.

Not mine.

Hers.

And, um-- and so, you
know, I was walking around

kind of looking at our set.

They built us a rooftop
and shit like that.

Checking things out
while she got ready.

And then we went
through wardrobe,

picking out the wardrobe,
which was so funny.

I couldn't believe they
had a wardrobe department.

I'm like, it's "Playboy."

There shouldn't be any
wardrobe, you know?

So we figured out what she
was going to wear and shit.

And then came to
take the picture.

Suddenly, it comes time to
kind of get the gear off.

And we did it in phases.

Like at first, it was just
kind of a transparent bra

and like panties.

And then the skirt.

And then lost the panties.

And then just got
down to the business.

So about a bottle of wine in,
which would be about an hour

into the photo session, it--
all the inhibitions fall away.

Like at first, we'd
take shots and then

there's like 12 shots per roll.

And then between each--
we'd change a role.

Dude would come
out and put a robe

on the chick-- wardrobe chick.

Put a robe on her
and stuff like that.

About an hour into the
session, a bottle of wine

later, she's like fuck
the robe, you know?

And she's just strolling
around fucking naked.

Which was pretty fucking hot.

And, um, the whole thing
was kind of a turn-on

because it's naughty, right?

Because nobody's supposed to
be seeing your wife naked.

And you're surrounded by all
these fucking people looking

at your naked wife and shit.

But the thing is these dudes who
work at "Playboy," the guys who

like do the scenery, and
run the smoke machine

and shit like that,
and set up the camera,

they see naked women
every fucking day.

And oddly enough, have
become inured to it.

You know, like it doesn't
turn them on anymore.

They're just like, right.

Tits.

Just doesn't do it
for them anymore.

But every once in a while,
I would catch one of them

fucking taking a peek and shit.

Like they're all professional
and shit doing their job.

But every once in a while, I'd
see one fucking fixing a light.

And Jen's over there and he'd
be like-- then look at me

and he'd be like, right on.

So I was like, right on.

So, um-- so when we--
we did the photo shoot.

And-- and, uh-- you know,
I was getting incredibly

turned on by the whole thing.

So I hit her up at one point.
I was like, how you doing?

How you feeling?
She's like, I don't know.

It's kind of-- how does it look?

I was like, it
looks fucking great.

It looks really great.

You look hot.

Damn not.

You want to go in the bathroom?

And she was like, what?

I was like,.

We got 5 minutes between shots.

Let's do some
shooting of our own.

And she was like,
you're serious?

You want to go in the bathroom
and fuck so that you're fucking

leaking out of me on film?

For all posterity.

So when our kids
sees this picture

fucking 20 years
from now, there's

you running down my leg.

Is that what you want?

I was like, well, not anymore.

So we got through the
photo shoot and shit.

And then eventually, you
know, picked the shots.

And they ran the shots and shit.

And-- I have an issue of
"Playboy" with my wife in it.

Which was really, really
fucking quite cool.

You know, to just be
flipping through and like,

oh my god, there's my wife
naked being held by Superman.

Rather sexy, I thought.

And, um, came in
incredibly useful.

Because my wife is-- Jen's
not a morning person.

Um, I am.

Like every guy, I wake
up fucking rock hard

with the best boner of the day.

Like the one that
could cut glass.

The one that could break rocks.

The impressive one.

The one where you
just want to call

people up, like come-- come
over and look at-- hold on.

Ready?

The fucking-- the boner
to end all boners.

And every other boner that
you get throughout the rest

of the day, any
time you get fucking

hard, just not the same thing.

It's just not as fucking
impressive, you know?

Just-- it's fine.

It gets the job done.

But it's just not the
fucking-- it's not the bomb,

like the morning rod is.

Or you call it piss boner.

Because it's the one where
you got to piss real bad.

But you'd get shit done
before you take a piss

because it's that impressive.

It's shit where you're just
chipping into marble walls.

So like every man,
I'm kind of a-- I,

you know, early
morning riser and shit.

And, you know, I learned
very quickly that Jen is not.

She's more of an afternoon
delight kind of person.

So in the morning, I'll wake up
and, you know, nudge forward.

And she's like, ugh.

I'm like, right on.

And, um-- so, you
know, I usually

have to wait till about fucking
2 o'clock before she gets

her motor running and shit.

And then she me while
I'm fucking knee

deep on my website and whatnot.

Our timing tends to
be off sometimes.

So suddenly, I had this magazine
with my wife naked in it.

Which is cool because I
found that after I got

married, like I
really dig my wife

I'm really, really into her,
just kind of-- I love her.

I think she's amazing.

I think she's this weird enigma
that I got to figure out.

I got 50 years to
figure her out.

So far, not doing well at all.

Fucking puzzle.

Um, but-- but I kind of dig her.

And I find her very
sexually captivating.

So much so that I got
married and I really stopped

thinking about other chicks.

Other chicks just kind of
stopped existing and shit.

And I just kind of became really
focused and fixated on her.

Almost really obsessed with her.

Um, her body.

And when I think about
sex, I think about her.

So much so I'll go
to an internet site

and try to check out
some porn and shit.

And I'm like, you
call this sexy?

Well, it's a little sexy.

But-- you know.

But not for me.

So I'm just really not into it.

So any tie I wind
up, like jerking off,

um, I'd wind up
thinking about her.

And suddenly I had a picture.

So I wake up in
the morning, grab

my "Playboy," go
to the bathroom,

snap one off, start my day.

It was a great way.

Then I'd stop bothering her
in the morning, you know,

and shit.

I had this beautiful, fucking
boner to deal with and had

the image to go along with.

And suddenly, I-- you know,
I was like, this is great.

Why didn't I shoot my
wife naked years ago?

It would solve so
many fucking problems.

I wouldn't be nudging her
in the morning, you know?

And I wouldn't be like
sitting there going,

what do I do with this?

I figured out what
to do with it.

So, um, one morning I came
back from the bathroom

and she's like waking
up at the same time.

And she's like, good morning.

I said, good morning.

And she's like, what?

What are you holding?

I was like, what?

This?

Uh, "Playboy."

She's like, is
that my "Playboy?"

I was like, yeah.

I was just, uh,
reading the articles.

And she's like, were you
jerking off to my "Playboy?"

I said, jerking off.

What a-- yes.

She's going, why?

I was like,.

You know?

She's like, you, idiot.

You can fuck me.

Why are you jerking
off to pictures of me?

You could fuck me
any time you want.

I was like, yeah, but
not till like 2 o'clock.

So it became this
kind of useful tool.

Aside from being
able to kind of shoot

her and-- and have something.

Because they-- you really
buy-in to the "Playboy"

mythos when you get there.

Because they're just like,
all the play-- you know,

"Playboy" bunnies have loved
these photo shoots because they

have something to
look back on years

later to see how
beautiful they looked

at that time of their life.

Which is, you know, a weird way
of saying when they get old,

they're fucking ready to
put a shotgun in their mouth

because they don't
look like this anymore.

But, uh, she bought-in
to it right away.

She was just like, oh,
this will be so great.

I'll be able to look at
myself years from now

and see what I look like.

And I look so pretty.

And what a great time it
was and blah, blah, blah.

So it was cool.

It was a very cool thing to do.

Very hot.

And, uh, I got
something out of it.

Spank material.

And I get to fuck the
chick that I spank to.

I mean, that's rare.

Rare that you want-- I can't
tell you-- when I was a kid,

I used to jerk off to
"Playboy" all the time.

Never met one of those chicks.

Never got to fuck
Barbie Benton, you know?

Now I can look at this chick
and go in the next room.

And if it's like mid-afternoon,
I can probably fuck her.

Jason.

What did Jason think
of the pictures?

And also, is it the, uh--
is it the first time you've

seen either Jen or one of
Kevin's other girlfriends

in the past naked?

No.

I haven't looked.

I haven't seen Jen's picture.

I really won't look at it.

I can't look at Jen like--

Liar.

Ask-- ask Kevin.

He has it on his computer.

It's his, uh, wallpaper.

And I make him cover it
up before I come and look

at shit on his computer.

Ask him.

And there's a painting of
her in his hallway that's

like 7-- it's like 6 foot.

And that was
covered for a while,

but now I just-- I
go by it because it's

hanging in his office.

I can't avoid it.

But I don't look at her.

I really don't want to see it.

And that's serious.

She's the one girl--
well, maybe out of 10.

10 girls in the world I
wouldn't want to see naked.

You know why
he doesn't look at her?

Gay.

It's true, though.

He is really like-- I remember
I whipped open the issue.

I was like, dude, check it out.

He's like, what is it?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Like, if fucking he had
looked into the sun.

It's funny.

He won't-- there's a
big painting and he

won't look at that either.

So if I don't want
him in the office,

I just put the painting
in front of the door.

And he's like move-- oh.

It's like kryptonite.

Why is that, though?

Jen's always like, why?

What's that matter?

He doesn't think I'm pretty?

I was like, no.

He just sees you like mom.

Nobody wants to see
mom naked, you know?

Yes, you got a mic.

Hi.

How did you broach the
subject with your wife

that, uh, the first
time you fucked

it would appear on a DVD?

Yeah.

With your bleeding cock.

Yeah I
did-- yeah, right.

I didn't broach the topic.

It was a story that
kind of, you know,

evolved while I was
doing Q& A and shit.

So, um, the first time she heard
it, she was none too thrilled.

If you ever saw "An
Evening with Kevin Smith,"

the first part, as opposed to
this being the second part,

"Evening Harder," um, I tell
a very long, involved story

about the first time
I had sex with my wife

and how I cut my dick open.

Um, but it's very romantic.

So the first time
she heard it, she

got like super-fucking pissed.

And she's like, oh my god.

Not only do you talk about
intimate details of our sex

life, but you say sticking
your dick in me is like putting

your dick in battery acid.

You know.

And I was like,
because I was cut open.

She's like, that doesn't
fucking matter, Kevin.

No woman wants her vag
referred to as battery--

it's like calling
it guts, you know?

Um, so, uh, she
wasn't too keen on it.

And then I didn't bother
to tell her that we

had recorded it for the DVD.

So it wasn't until a few months
after-- because you know,

she's seen-- she's been to the
fucking circus so many times,

she doesn't-- she'll
shall watch a little bit

of the Q& A and then fuck off.

Because she's like,
ugh, it's you fucking

up there telling stories.

But the--
the kind of first time

she actually saw it and
saw that it was on there.

Did she go, why?

Why have you fucking
put it on here?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And never lets me
forget to this day.

Still, to this day she's just
like, why-- she'll be like,

I have to tell you something,
but it can't wind up on a DVD.

Which is so weird because
most people would was just go,

like I got to tell
you something,

but you got to swear
you can't tell anybody.

Hers is very specific.

She doesn't worry
about the vagary.

She's just like, it
cannot wind up on a DVD.

Do you understand me, Kevin?

I'm like, yeah, I do.

Is it 2 o'clock yet?

She didn't take
too kindly to it.

But she's kind of
used to it by now.

That's why she'll come--
like she was here earlier,

and then she just takes off.

Because she's like,
I don't want to hear

you tell stories anymore.

Because sooner or later,
you're going to talk about me.

Like, I don't think she knows
about the "Playboy" story.

Probably good.

And then a kind
of quick question.

What did, uh, Jason think
about you telling the story

of his fuck tape with his--

I don't know.

He was-- well, I
remember like at one

point when he watched it, he was
just like, I had a fuck tape?

You know, just didn't remember.

There was a whole bunch of
stuff he didn't remember.

When we came over for
this trip he was like,

I've never been here before.

This is awesome.

We have been here before.

It was during the lost years.

But, uh-- so it's nice.

It's nice.

You get to re-experience
a lot of shit with him.

You know, it's like
he was a fucking droid

and he had his memory wiped.

So you get to do a
lot of shit twice.

And he's just like,
this is great.

I've never done this before.

And inside you're
like, yeah, we have.

It's kind of like "Groundhog
Day" a little bit.

But, uh, he didn't seem to care.

He don't care.

And he hasn't even watched--
he hasn't even asked to watch

the tape, which is so weird.

Because I would imagine
sooner or later he'd be like,

let me see that tape.

But no interest.

Thanks very much.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, god.

Loud.

Um, "Jersey Girl" is quite
different in some ways

from your previous films.

And dedicated to your daughter.

And I was wondering
if becoming a father

has changed you
creatively in terms

of what you're interested
in doing in your work?

Um, you know, it hasn't
really changed me creatively.

I mean-- I guess in a small way.

I wouldn't have done "Jersey
Girl" if I didn't have a kid.

So for all the people
that didn't like it,

blame the child, you know?

Like, it really-- if I
didn't have a daughter,

I wouldn't have thought
to write that movie.

Um, and I started writing it
when she was about six months

old, or something like that.

So I guess that
did have an effect.

But I always made this promise
to myself that I would never

change the content of my work.

Or just not be me
and not do what I do,

just because I had a kid.

Like we have a very-- we're
not hypocritical in the house.

Like it's not like we
don't swear around the kid.

We're not like earmuffs,
you know, nothing like that.

It's just we tend to be the
same way we are around the kid

that we are when we're
not around the kid.

You know, not certain--
like I don't fuck

my wife while the kid looks.

Although that happened
once-- by accident.

Which was the weirdest thing.

Like we were going at it
really hard and heavy and shit.

And she, of course, was on top.

And, um, we're real chatty,
fucking talky lovers and shit.

And it's just-- not even like,
oh, you're so pretty and shit.

Just dirty shit.

Shit like, you're
fucking-- I'm having

me some fanny fun, bitch.

Just real fucking
dirty, fucking nasty,

nasty fucking talk and shit.

Where other people's
names come into and shit.

And like soon you're
in this weird fantasy

where you're fucking
a football team.

It's just like way
the fuck out there.

Just nasty, fucking, dirty shit.

And you know, she--

Any
names you'd repeat?

Sorry?

Any
names you'd repeat?

I've never brought
Affleck up for some reason.

Never thought to work
him in there and shit.

I should actually whip
a little Affleck on her,

see what she says.

So there's one thing you
wouldn't cast him in then?

There is one thing.

I wouldn't cast him in my wife.

Um, so there we are
fucking and fucking talking

nasty to each other and shit.

And then the moment of
truth comes and shit.

And, um, we-- and it was one
of those rare times where

we both kind of came together.

And it was kind of powerful
and nasty and dirty and

fucking-- just hardcore, too.

And it was hot, so we were
both fucking sweating.

And just-- we just didn't
hear the door open.

So we're finished and
fucking like-- my head

just kind of lolls to the left.

And there I see Harley
sitting at the edge of our bed

like this.

You know, like a little
scientist from another planet.

Just really kind of-- trying to
figure out what when in where.

So we were like, hey.

Hey.

Hey.

What are-- and Jen
flips off me and shit.

And, uh, we're like,
what are you doing?

She's like, what are doing?

And we were like, what?

We were just, uh--
we were playing.

We were-- you know,
we're just playing.

Playing.

She's like, playing what?

We were like, we
were play fighting.

We're just like play wrestling.

Having some play fighting time.

And she was like, it didn't
look like you were fighting.

And I was like, well,
what did it look like?

She was like, you were swimming.

And under her breath I hear
Jen go, I was swimming.

And I was like, that's
what we were doing.

We were doing-- we were doing,
uh-- we were night swimming.

And she was like, is
that why you're all wet?

I said, absolutely.

We were in the pool.

And then we were doing some
night swimming in the pool.

And then we came up
here and we were just

showing each other how
we swim because it was

too dark to see it out there.

She was like, but put the
lights aren't on in here.

I was like, yeah,
but-- the moon.

And then she was like,
can I go night swimming?

And I was like not
until you're 30, I hope.

You know?

And then she was like, can
I get in the bed with you.

And immediately I'm
like, get this kid away

from the wet spot.

I was like, no, no, no.

You can't.

You go hang out and shit.

Do other things.

Just-- Dad needs a few minutes.

Took a lot out of me.

Um, so she caught us.

But you know, it never
came back to the subject.

She bought night swimming,
which was tremendous.

You know?

Because now any time
she-- lock the door now,

of course, when we fuck
because we didn't know

she was so strolly.

She crept in like
a fucking ninja.

Like, who knew she was there?

She could have slit
both our throats.

Instead, she was
just-- so-- so now

we lock the door and she'll--
you know, boom, boom, boom.

Mom.

And we're like, night swimming.

OK.

Off she goes and shit.

It doesn't occur to her
that the pool is upstairs.

So-- so we, uh-- you
know, aside from that,

we tend not to kind of
live our lives differently.

You know, we curse
in front of the kid.

And some people think that's
kind of not right and shit,

but it'd be so
hypocritical of me

not to curse in
front of the child.

Because that's how I
make my fucking living.

Cursing will put
her through college.

So we tend to not rein it in.

We're just kind of ourselves
and shit like that.

And I find it has
a-- you know, a kind

of reverse effect on the kid.

It doesn't make the
kid want to curse.

It makes the kid
not want to curse.

Like we were driving
somewhere, me and Jen

were talking about something.

And I was like, you know what?

That's total bullshit.

And out of the backseat where
Harley was, we hear bullshit.

And we were like,
what the-- what?

What did you say?

She's like bullshit.

We're like, that's
awesome, you know?

Because nothing cuter
than a little kid cursing.

And so, you know, we
were chucking and shit.

And she was like, bullshit.

We're like, yes, say it again.

Bullshit.

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

It was tremendous.

And suddenly, she started
varying it up and shit.

And she was like horse shit.

And I was like, yes,
fucking horse shit.

Horse shit.

And she was like, dog shit.

Mom shit.

Dad shit.

Nana shit.

Pop shit.

We have two dogs, uh,
Scully and Mulder.

Mulder shit.

Scully shit.

Bat shit, which was my favorite.

And we were dying up front.

We're like, this is awesome.

She went through
a litany of shits.

Anything you could modify
shit with, she did.

You know, fucking pass the
roadside sign, sign shit.

McDonald shit.

Volkswagen shit.

You know, shit shit, shit.

This went on for two hours and
never lost its fucking edge.

I was just as
amused when she said

bullshit as I was
when she later on got

down to fucking wee-wee shit.

Which is pee-pee,
poop, you know?

Just- but she didn't know that.

That's the thing.

So I said to her, I
was just like, Harley,

do you know what shit is?

And she's like no.

And I said, shit is poo-poo.

And her face, fuck,
she went-- she

realized she just spent the last
two hours talking about shit.

And then she says-- she
never said shit ever again.

So it's weird.

It had this reverse
effect on her

where she didn't like to
curse anymore because she

spent two hours cursing.

So, um, I don't know.

We're kind of-- we kind of let
the kid progress her own-- you

know, because there's no--
especially with language,

it's like, there's no
such thing as bad words.

Bad intentions, but not
fucking bad words and shit.

Bad words will put food on
the table if you do it right.

So, um--

So no, the work has never
been affected by the kid.

And our lives haven't
been affected by the kid.

I mean, in as much as we have to
make time to feed her and shit.

You now, and protect
her from danger.

But other than that, everything
kind of remained the same.

For me.

Has she seen any of
your other movies?

She did.

She finally-- we got around
to showing her "Jay and Silent

Bob Strike Back" one night.

Um, and that was by accident.

We were watching something
on the big TV upstairs

and-- watching a
DVD and it ended.

And when the DVD player cuts
off, like TV kicks back in.

And it was Showtime.

The cable channel was on.

And "Jay and Silent Bob
Strike Back" was on.

And it was a scene with
Jen coming out of the van.

And she was like,
oh my god, it's Mom.

And I was like, yeah.

Oh, it is Mom.

That's right.

That's Mom.

I fucked that chick.

But I was like, that's Mom.

You're right.

And she's like, what is the--
because suddenly-- she lives

in this weird world
where like, you know,

sometimes Dad has short hair
and sometimes he has long hair.

And sometimes he
never says anything.

And sometimes he's
always talking.

And then sometimes he's like
clean that shit up, you know?

And sometimes him and
Uncle Jay run into a wall.

So it's this weird world of
like reality, not reality.

Like I hang out
Jason in real life

and I hang out with
Jason in the movies.

And Jason-- in the movies,
we're always together.

And in real life, he
lives in our house.

So you know, for her movie
world and reality kind

of blend and shit like that.

Like I remember for a wrap gift
for, uh, "Jay and Silent Bob

Strike Back," Hilary, who
was the script supervisor

on the show, had-- long time
prior, long time before when

she was a kid, she had
been the voice of Sally

in some of the
"Peanuts" cartoons.

So as a wrap gift, she had
somebody draw the animated

Jay and the animated
Silent Bob and Sally

together in one picture.

And Harley was about two and
into Snoopy at that point.

And I showed her the picture
and her head fucking exploded.

Because she was like, Dad, Uncle
Jay, Charlie Brown's sister.

They all know each other?

You know?

So it's not bad enough.

Like you know she's going to be
on some therapist's couch years

from now going,
Silent Bob was my dad.

You know?

But she going-- you know, it's
weirdness like that when you're

a kid when you see
Dad interacting

with people who aren't real.

You start to wonder,
I guess, if you're

old man's real to some degree.

Um, so she-- here she's
seeing Mom suddenly

in the mix because we
had never really thought

to show her the movie before.

And I was like,
I turned to Jen--

I was like, we could possibly
show her the movie, you know?

I mean, we could just do
it without the volume.

Because if the
volume was up, she'd

lose interest in the
movie because there's

so much cursing.

And that's just-- to
her, that's grownup shit.

So I was like,
let's show her her.

Because she's in the movie.

She plays a little
baby Silent Bob.

So we go and pop in the DVD.

And there's her.

And you know, little
baby her as Silent Bob.

And then suddenly little baby
her dissolves into big, fat me.

Which I'm sure she'll be
talking to her therapist about,

you know, 20 years now going
like, he fucking-- he showed

it to me when I was a child.

I-- that's what I
would grow up to be?

Like, how am I supposed
to deal with that?

And that's why I killed
my parents in their sleep.

I could get away with it because
I could creep like a ninja.

Caught them after a
little night swimming.

So--

So we kept going, you know?

And I was like, hey,
there's Uncle Jay.

And there's-- you know,
here's some other stuff.

And suddenly, I realized that
the movie plays to a child

if you turn the sound down.

Because like at a
certain point we're

hitchhiking and all of a sudden
there's the Scooby Doo van.

And she lit up like Christmas.

She was like Mystery Machine.

And I was like, Mys-- what?

Yeah.
Oh my god.

Yes, you're right.

That is the Mystery Machine.

You recognize that?

She's like, Mystery Machine.

And I was like, well,
hold on to your hat

because check this out.

And all of a sudden, door opens
and Jay and Silent Bob-- Dad

and Jay, Uncle Jay--
are hanging out

with the fucking
Scooby gang, which

she is very into at that point.

And she's just like, Scooby.

And Fred.

And Velma.

You know Scooby?

I'm just like,
yeah, we hang out.

And, um, she was just--
her fucking head exploded.

She was just enraptured.

And then reality
sank back in for her

and she was just like,
that's not Shaggy.

And I was like, what do you
mean that's not-- of course

that's fucking Shaggy.

That's as Shaggy as it gets.

And she was just like,
Shaggy's shirt is green.

His shirt is blue.

And I was like, you're
just like all those fuckers

on the internet, you know that?

So ya, she's seen some shit.

We've showed her some shit.

But she gets real bored
real easily, you know?

Because she don't want
to see people sitting

there talking to one another.

And that's what
all my movies are,

just people like.

You know?

She-- we, uh-- I felt
like a filmmaker, though.

Showing her that movie
for the first time,

I felt like a filmmaker.

Generally, I don't feel like
a filmmaker or director.

Like I feel like a
writer who just happens

to direct his own stuff.

Because I can't really tell a
visual story to save my life.

But watching that
movie with the kid,

I felt like a
visual storyteller.

I felt like I communicated
ideas with images.

Because there's a
point where we're being

chased by Judd
Nelson's character.

Um, and they're shooting at us.

And then Jay dives
through a pipe.

And then I throw Suzanne, the
orangutan, through the pipe.

And then I go to
dive in the pipe.

And I don't make it through.

And the kid starts cracking up.

She's just laughing.

And she's like,
haha, you're too big.

Haha.

And at first I was
like, fuck you.

You're no spring
chicken, you know?

That's my-- my gut
instinct and shit.

You got my legs, kid.

You know.

But then I was
like, wait a second.

She-- she gets it.

Like, she's right.

Like I can't get through the
pipe because I'm too big.

And she was like, just
like Winnie the Pooh.

And then in the movie, Jay
goes, just like Winnie the Pooh.

And she was like-- you know?

And then later on, when it
came to the diamond exchange

sequence, um, you know,
the girls go-- there's

no dialogue in that scene.

The girls flip down the
hallway-- one, two--

trying to avoid the lasers.

And to be quiet
and shit like that.

And then Allie does her flips,
gets to the end, and farts.

And the alarm goes off.

And the kid was just
like, she farted.

She frogged.

That's what she said.

She doesn't say fart.

She says she frogged.

And I was like, that
was a new one for me

because I didn't know
where frog came from.

Because you know,
a fart's a fart.

But suddenly the kid's
busting with a frog.

And I was like, what do
you mean, she frogged?

She's like, she frogged.

Frogged.

I was like, oh, she-- she
blew ass out-- gas ass.

What are you-- farted.

She frog, you know?

Just like, come on.

Follow me, Father.

And I was just like, my god.

She got it.

She understood that the alarm
went off because this girl

frogged and shit.

And I felt like, my god.

I am a filmmaker.

You could turn the
sound down and you

get the movie, pretty much.

At least that one.

"Clerks" I think she'd
have a hard time with.

But that one she got.

So we've showed her some.

We've showed her some stuff.

But I'm curious to see
how she reacts to the shit

when she gets older.

If she has any
interest in it herself.

She's got good ammunition
for her teenage years.

Totally, right.

She'll get away with murder
because she's like, oh, what

about the time you
two fucking ran

from that rubber poop monster.

That-- that wasn't real.

Oh, it's not?

It's you and Uncle Jay.

You're always hanging
out together anyway.

Where is the difference, Dad?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes.

Do you have a mic?

- Kevin.
- You still have a mic?

Kevin, hi.

Hey.

I heard that you
did a rewrite on the classic

that is "Coyote Ugly."

I did.

And there was very little
left in the actual film.

Um, how did that gig come about?

And how-- are there any other
films with small contributions

from you in them?

Um, let me see.

I did, uh-- I did a
rewrite on "Coyote Ugly."

I don't think I've done any
rewrites since "Coyote Ugly."

I think that was
the last one I did.

But, um-- that one
was like a page one

rewrite where I rewrote
everything from scratch.

Changed characters' names, set
scenes in different places,

and shit.

And they paid me.

It was a Bruckheimer movie.

They paid me a shit
load of money to do it.

And Jerry Bruckheimer was
a big fan of "Chasing Amy."

That's how Ben wound up
getting cast in "Armageddon."

And Jason Lee got cast in
"Enemy of the State" and shit

like that.

And then I wound up working
on rewrites on "Coyote Ugly."

So turned in my draft
and shit like that.

And they're like, you
want to direct this?

And this is right while I was
going off to direct "Dogma,"

I think.

I think it was "Dogma."

And I was like, you know what?

I want to do my own thing.

But I said, but I love
this because like, it's

all about Jersey
and shit like that.

But I'm going to go off
and do my own thing.

So then they brought
another guy on to direct it,

who brought in his writer and
completely changed everything

that I had written
dialogue-wise.

Which was weird.

Because like of anything of my
script you're going to keep,

keep the dialogue.

Everything else is bullshit.

But the dialogue, they
got rid of everything

with the exception of one line.

Like they kept
settings, odd things.

Like they would keep things set
in the place I had them set.

Or they would keep
character names.

But everything else
fucking changed.

And the one line of mine they
kept was the one girl talking

about-- like one girl
asked the other girl like,

have you ever done-- this
part's not the exact line.

But have you-- she
was asking if she had

ever done any lesbian stuff.

And the other chick
was like, no, no, no.

I've only played in the minors.

I never went pro.

Like, lame line.

And that's the one
they fucking kept.

So I went to the movie to
watch it and there's a subplot

involving like a dude who loves
comic books and shit like that.

And wants a Punisher-- you
know, the first appearance

of the Punisher.

And at one point, Jen leans
over to me, she's going,

oh, you-- you did all the
comic book stuff, didn't you?

I was like, I had nothing to
do with the comic book stuff.

I didn't write this shit.

I wrote that one line about
played in the minors, never

went pro.

And she was like, well,
I wouldn't really cop

to saying that if I were you.

And I was like, yeah,
I'm just telling you.

So that was it.

That was my last rewrite gig.

And I was just like,
just-- what's the point?

You spend all that time.

It's like working on Superman.

You spend all that time,
somebody else comes behind you

and just changes everything.

So no, that's-- that's it.

But that's my contribution
to "Coyote Ugly."

Very small.

Although, they paid me an insane
amount of money to essentially

write that one line.

I was like, why didn't we
just skip the middle man.

I would have wrote that line.

And you know, you
cut me a check.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Sure.

Hi, Kevin.

My name is David.

How are you, David?

I'm very good.

I'm very good.

I just wondered, what's
the official stance

with the "Star Wars" drama that
you're so-called "involved" in?

Yeah, I read on the
internet that I'm

supposed to be involved
in a "Star Wars" TV show.

OK.

Nice answer.

How about, uh, "Episode 3?"

Have you seen it?

And were you tempted to get
your agent to get you a cameo?

That was one of the requests
I just made recently.

I didn't make it through
my agent, though.

Um, one of our
associate producers

on the last few flicks, uh,
this great, great gentleman

by the name of Phil Benson.

We met him on "Dogma."

He worked at Skywalker.

He was a sound guy.

Um, and he wanted to--
really high-up sound guy.

Essentially, he was the guy that
when the "Lord of the Rings"

won for sound mixing, sound
design, shit like that,

he would have been the guy.

But he opted not to
do "Lord of the Rings"

so he can do "Jay and Silent
Bob Strike Back" instead.

No accounting for taste.

Um, but that-- you know, I
always say to him, I was like,

do you ever regret it?

Do you ever regret not doing it?

He's like, no.

Because I wanted to do
something other than sound.

That's why I went to do "Jay
and Silent Bob Strike Back."

Because no offense, but it's
not like a cure for cancer.

And I was like, what?

But he was like, but I wanted to
try other things beyond sound.

So we made him an associate
producer and stuff.

And he did other
things on the movie

that he never had the
opportunity to try

as a sound guy and stuff.

So Phil worked at the
ranch at Skywalker

for years and years and years.

From when he was a kid up
to-- and he's not that old.

The dude's like my age.

But he had worked there
for like 8, 10 years.

So-- and we knew--

I knew Rick McCallum
because I'd met

him at the ranch, the producer
of the new "Star Wars" movies.

But Phil really knows him.

So the other day I
dropped him a line.

I was like, dude, I want
to go to an early screening

of this movie.

Can you talk to Rick?

And he wrote Rick
an email and wrote

me-- then Phil wrote
me back and was like,

he says he'll show it to you.

And I was like, when?

He's like, April 15,
they lock picture.

He said, come on up and
I'll show you the flick.

I was like, ah.

Because that's the fucking
movie I'm looking forward to,

you know?

I think that movie's going
to-- I liked the first two.

You know "Phantom Menace" not
a huge fan of, but I liked it.

You know, could have done
with a lot less Jar Jar.

Um, the second one I
really fucking loved.

I think the third one is
just going to be fantastic.

I think it's going to fucking--
you know, take everybody

who's naysayed the
last two and make

them-- spin them completely.

With your power in
Hollywood, would you

try to maybe be the character
to maybe kill Jar Jar?

Go down in folklore
or something?

No.

No.

I mean, why pay-- why cast more
attention on that fucking guy?

You know, even a death
scene is too good for him.

Just basically let
it happen off-camera.

Have somebody go, what
happened to Senator Jar Jar?

Killed.

Now, on with the
real movie and shit.

That's the one I'm
looking forward

to because that will always
be the trilogy to me, right?

Like, well, not this new one.

That's the second trilogy.

But the first one, that's
the fucking trilogy.

That's why it was so
disheartening to live

through the "Lord of the
Rings" over the last few years

because suddenly that became
the trilogy to a lot of people.

People are like, have
you seen the trilogy?

I was like, yeah, I saw
it when I was a kid.

They're like, no.

The "Rings."

I was like, motherfucker,
there is one trilogy.

There's not fucking
more than one.

Because "Star Wars,"
you know, it's

an adventure fucking story.

Well, those "Lord of the
Rings" movies, as good as they

looked, and as
wonderful a director

I think Peter Jackson is--
because I'm a huge fan

of "Heavenly Creatures."

They're fucking
movies about walking.

You know I'm right.

Because people go, he's right.

That's it.

It's just three fucking movies
about motherfuckers walking.

And they're all walking
to a fucking mountain

to pitch a ring in it.

You know, that's it.

To a volcano.

That's all they do is walk.

The first movie is fucking this.

That's it.

That's the whole
fucking first movie.

Second movie is this.

And the fucking third movie is--

So I couldn't understand what
all the fucking excitement

was about.

Three movies about
fucking walking.

And then that third movie
had 46 endings to it.

Like that movie just kept
ending and ending and ending.

Like there's a point, you
pitch the ring in the lava,

shit's done.

Send me the fuck home.

You know, it's finished.

The walk is over.

You know, unless you're going
to do a trilogy about the walk

back.

But it kept going.

Like first they
pitched the ring in,

and then fucking
Gollum shows up.

And then they fucking fight.

And then a bird picks
them up, and then

they take them back
to the Hobbit land

and shit-- the shire.

And then, fucking
all of a sudden,

somebody's like, we got to go.

We're catching a boat.

Like, what?

What?

What does that have to
do with any of this?

You got to stick behind, man.

You take care of the book.

And the end of movie's
a dude literally

writing in a book, which is
like the least cinematic thing

you could possibly do.

And I know because
I make the least

cinematic movies imaginable.

Like this move that was all
about grandeur and fucking

amazing creatures and
shit, ends with a dude

going-- and then they all got
on a boat, which is something

we just showed you,
and went someplace

where apparently Sam can't go.

But that left me to be
the pimp of the shire.

The movie ends with
him writing a book.

And dudes going off on a boat
to Never-Never Land and shit.

Like, it's so weak.

The ending in that movie I
thought was rather clear.

I thought it was the moment when
Frodo wakes up from his coma,

you know, or whatever
he was in and shit.

And the little hobbits,
the little gay hobbits,

are jumping up and
down on the bed.

Merry and Pippin, whatever.

And, um-- because they
were clearly fucking gay.

They're fucking--

You know, it's the
first time in the movie

people aren't walking.

Because instead, they're
bouncing on the bed.

I mean, admit it.

Even the trees in that
fucking movie walked.

So the little gay hobbits are
hopping up and down on the bed

and shit, and then fucking--
you know, everyone's

happy that Frodo's alive.

And then Sam pimps
into the room and just

leans against the door jamb.

And he's looking at
his boy in the bed.

And his boy makes
eye contact with him.

Frodo and Sam looking
at each other.

And you just get this
feeling, like they're looking

at each other and
they're just like,

we've been through
some fucking shit.

Granted, we walked a lot.

But we've seen some shit.

And we took the ring.

And fucking two hobbits
saved Middle Earth.

You and I, we saw spiders.

We saw giant fucking birds.

We saw a lot of shit.

You and I have been
through the shit.

Like two Vietnam vets who made
it out of Da Nang and shit.

Like, we did it, Frodo.

And they share
this fucking look.

That's the end of
the movie, to me.

That's a beautiful
way to go out.

And if you really wanted to
fucking like blow the mind

of the Academy-- because that's
the movie that won the Academy

Award for Best Picture.

And it was a foregone
conclusion that the movie

was going to make a
gazillion bucks, right?

Like, everyone was
going to go see

that fucking movie because
they went to see the first two.

I always thought
Peter Jackson should

have just completely fucking
taken a left at that point,

you know?

Because it's like every-- that's
the tail end of the movie.

Everybody has seen the
fucking adventure story.

You've gotten all the box.

Office Why not just
go fucking nuts?

Like, just do something that
like nobody was expecting.

All the people that know
the books really well,

all the people who
are real hardcore fans

of the other movies--
like instead,

fucking Frodo's looking at Sam.

Sam's looking at Frodo.

And then Sam tells Merry
and Pippin to take a hike.

And then Sam goes over and sucks
the fucking cock off Frodo.

Like just a hardcore--
just this amazing fucking,

awe-inspiring,
luscious blow job scene

between these two hobbits.

Like, just to watch the audience
go, what the fuck happened?

Like, did you fucking--
the little guy

is blowing the little guy.

Fucking Jackson
has lost his mind.

And just like a
10-minute version of it.

Like from a real
porno fucking scene.

Just fucking like working it.

And fucking-- and no
music, just stark.

So you're just hearing like--

People would just be
like, what the fuck?

Like it would be amazing.

I would give that
dude the Academy

Award right then and there.

I'd be like that's the
bravest fucking move I've ever

seen in a mainstream movie.

Congratulations, you
insane, glorious bastard.

And at the end of
it all, fucking Sam

just bricks in Frodo's mouth.

Credits.

This is why they-- they don't
let me direct other movies.

Um, OK.

We've heard about
Jen's "Playboy" shoot,

but I was wondering if you'd
tell us-- sorry, am I too loud?

Who the fuck is talking?

Is that you?

You?

I didn't even see
your lips moving.

Are you a ventriloquist dummy?

That was awesome.

Or the ventriloquist rather.

Maybe.

Right on.

Try again, sorry.

I was just wondering if you'd
like to tell us about there was

a cartoon strip you did, a
very sweet story about you

and Jen's first kiss.

And I was just
wondering if you could

tell us how that came about.

Because I thought
it was really nice.

It was kind of sweet.

Not a real entertaining story.

But sweet, nonetheless.

Uh, "New York Times"
magazine had asked me

to do a fashion issue for them.

They were doing this
big fashion issue.

And they're like, we hear
you write comic books.

Um, do you want to write a
story that involves fashion?

And I was like, um, all right.

Are we allowed to use
comic book characters?

Like, you know,
Spiderman, and fucking

Daredevil, and Green Arrow.

They said no.

I was like, all right.

Well, can I write
about the first time

I met my wife for-- first
time we kind of fell in love?

She was like, OK.

And so I wrote that and
Joe Quesada drew it.

And we worked every
outfit she wore.

And each panel was
different, but it

was based on real clothing
and shit like that.

So we got the original artwork
hanged-- hung up in our house,

all framed.

And it's hung up and shit.

But it was the sweetest
thing in the world.

It was a tough thing to top.

Because one day I was
just like, surprise.

And there was this little
nine-page comic strip about,

you know, how we met and
fell in love in the "New

York Times" magazine section.

And she was like, oh my god.

It's not 2 o'clock,
but let's fuck.

You know.

But, uh, tough to top that.

After that, you give her things
and she's like, it's great.

It's no "New York
Times" magazine.

You know, shit like that.

Cheers.

Cheers, sir.

I was just
wondering, I've seen

the "Degrassi" episode you did.

Yes.

And you're playing,
I guess, sort

of yourself but not yourself.

Yes.

Have you since then been
offered any other roles, which

I mean, you personall--
I know Jason's answered

this-- which are slightly
more dramatic and not so much

Silent Bob?

No, nobody offers
me acting work ever.

Ever.

So no offers
whatsoever since then?

No.

Well, "Degrassi" just aired.

But even then, no.

I mean, I could probably-- I
tried to convince the people

in, uh, CTV, the
broadcasters in Canada,

to do a spin-off of "Degrassi"
where I keep playing myself.

Not much luck with it?

They weren't into it.

OK.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, sir.

You.

Right.

Um, I've just got a question
about, um-- what do you think,

sort of out of all
of your movies,

do you think there's a
scene that sort of sums up

how you sort of view the world?

Sort of, what is your-- perhaps
a scene that sort of says,

that's really what I
want to say in movies.

And for Jay, what is
your favorite scene out

of all the movies you've done?

That you think, I really,
really liked that scene.

The scene that kind of sums up
my entire body of work I think

is when Silent Bob's
swinging off a rope.

Puts his head in
the changing room

and catches a glimpse
of a pair of titties.

That really sums me up best.

I don't know.

Was that-- that scene
wound up getting

cut out when we were talking to
two hookers in "Jay and Bob?"

Yeah, that was cut out.

But was it on the DVD?

It was on the DVD.

So you know the scene,
uh-- you tell what scene.

But that's the scene I enjoyed.

I really liked that scene,
even though it got cut out.

But I think it's on
the extras on the DVD,

even though I haven't seen
the extras on the DVD.

So I didn't know.

I know.

I think it's great
that you're like,

was that scene in the movie?

Well, I knew it
wasn't in the movie,

but I wasn't sure if it was
on the extras on the DVD.

Because I don't-- I don't
really watch the extras so much.

Sometimes, a little bit.

Not into the commentary
tracks and shit?

Don't want to know?

Don't want to see
behind-the curtain?

Ben behind the curtain?
- No.

Because then it all goes away.

This is real to
me, these movies.

Every once in a while he wakes
up in the middle of the night

going, poop monster.

He was chasing me.

We got to run.

Does he know what scene
before you cut him off?

Do you know what scene
I'm talking about, sir?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Unlike you, he's
familiar with the DVD.

Maybe he
didn't see it, though.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Yeah, it's just
a quick one about funding.

Now, are you at
the stage in your--

About funding?

Yeah.

Are you at the
stage in your career

now that you could just--

Sir, we want to go
out on a good one,

not like I have a
question about financing.

Have you ever sat in the office
with the suits and they said,

you know, he's here again.

The guy who keeps promising to
make the "Titanic" of comedy,

but keeps delivering
"The Avengers."

I-- what?

Wait, what?

Kick his ass.

Were-- were you picking on me?

Just a question.

The "Ti-- what is the--

You know, the "Titanic,"
bring in the mega-bucks.

Have-- have you
ever been sat down

and said, if your next
film doesn't deliver,

that's the end of the road?

Oh, has anyone-- oh, OK.

Now "The Avengers" of comedy.

I was like, what?

What, what, what?

And fuck you, by the way.

No, it doesn't work like that.

And here's a brief
kind of education

in the movie business.

Theatrical release of any movie
doesn't really fucking matter.

Essentially, now in the
days of DVD and, you know,

revenue streams that
continue going long

after the theatrical life
of a film, theatrical

is one big commercial
for your DVD release.

Because theatrical
box office, studio

doesn't even take 100 % of it.

They only take like, what?

45 %?

Because the exhibitors
get the rest.

And sometimes, they,
of course, have

to split up back end of a
feature as well with some stars

who were involved, or whatever.

So theatrical life,
it doesn't matter-- I,

mean the more you make
at the box office, great.

It just means that there's
more interest on DVD.

But ultimately, the
real money is in DVD.

So we've always done really,
really well on video.

That's why I continue to work.

So there's never been this
scenario-- because I always

read about critics
of mine, people

who hate me on the internet,
who are just like, this is it.

After this one, he's done.

They'll never let
him work again.

Woo-hoo.

Silent Bob's dead.

Long live me, internet guy.

You know.

And it's just like, you
sit there chuckling.

Because it's like,
dude, you have

no idea how this shit works.

Like, I'll never not
have a fucking job.

Because I never really
make expensive movies.

And as long as I
can always make back

the initial investment
plus a little on top,

I'll always work.

Like, that's the secret.

The secret is just not
spend a lot of money.

Or really,
essentially the secret

is to not lose
anybody a lot of money

and to make them a
little bit of profit.

Because then they'll
keep you around.

If you could turn even
a tiny profit for them,

they'll keep you
around because that's

better than losing money.

So every movie we've done
has eventually returned.

And some return a lot.

Like "Jay and Silent Bob Strike
Back," we did $30 million

in theaters.

We did $37 million on DVD.

You know, and they
were ecstatic.

They were like,
you guys made more

on DVD than fucking theatrical.

Why don't you just make
straight-to-DVD movies?

Which ain't a bad
idea, you know?

There would be a lot more
money to be made and a lot less

risk being taken.

So I've never had the somebody
sat me down conversation.

Harvey Weinstein going,
if this one doesn't work,

you're out of the fucking--
you're out of the club

and we're putting
you in movie jail.

You know.

It doesn't work like that.

That's why I like the internet.

It's hysterical.

Everyone's got a theory
about how shit really work.

And it's just like, no.

So I'll continue.

I mean, the movies-- as long
as they make this much money,

I'll continue to make shit.

It's the day that I make
like the $80 million

movie that makes $2.

You know, that's when
you're like-- but you

know, I'm smart enough to
avoid that and shit like that.

So me, I like to keep my
shit kind of inexpensive.

And even "Jersey Girl,"
which was like a lot for us,

$35 million, was
kind of average,

or below average
for a studio film.

Like most studio movies
now cost about $40, $45.

And ours was like $35.

And really, the
whole movie wouldn't

have cost that if Affleck
didn't get paid $10 million

to essentially
fuck-up our movie.

So you know, without Affleck
getting paid $10 million,

Jennifer got $4.

The movie would have cost
around $20, $21 to make,

which is pretty much
what "Jay and Silent

Bob Strike Back" cost to make.

So I tend to keep
my shit responsible.

And because of that, I'll
keep fucking working.

I don't have to
deliver the "Titanic."

I keep giving them
"The Avengers"

and they're like, bring it on.

"Avengers 9."

Someone else.

That was good, but not great.

Yes.

Hi.

By the way, congratulations
on the English accent.

It's spot-on.

Was it good?

Definitely.

That's from watching
a lot of Eddie Izzard.

Um, my question was about Jen.

I remember her writing
something about, um,

when she was going into labor.

Yes.

You flew her across
from LA to New Jersey.

Uh-huh.

And I was just wondering why
it was so important for you

for Harley to be
born in New Jersey?

Well, we were in Los
Angeles and she was--

they don't let-- it's weird.

This is something you
only find out when you

hang out with pregnant chicks.

They don't let pregnant
women on airplanes

if they're very close to term.

If you're like nine months, they
won't let you on an airplane.

Because they don't
want-- especially

a cross-country jaunt.

Because they don't want to
run the risk of you going

into labor in the air and them
having to land in a cornfield,

or some such shit.

So they tend to keep them off.

And Jennifer, her water broke
when we were in Los Angeles

and they wanted her
to go to the hospital.

You know, get ready for
the fucking baby and shit.

And I was like, not out here.

We're not having a kid born
in fucking Los Angeles.

Over my dead body.

And she was like, well, how
are we going to get home?

And I was like, we'll
figure out a way.

Scott Mosier, my, producer,
called up Harvey Weinstein

and was like, uh,
Jen's water just broke

and Kev really wants her to
have the baby in New Jersey.

And Harvey was like, uh-huh.

Scott's like, well,
can we use the jet?

And he was like, all right.

So they sent the jet.

Jet for us.

And we got on the jet.

And it was me, and Jen,
and Mosier, and the guy

up front driving the jet.

You know, four and
a half hour flight.

During which, like
Jen sat in one chair.

Me and Mosier sat across
from her just like this.

And every once in a
while, Mosier was like,

should we get some hot towels?

Because in TV and movies,
they're always like,

get some hot towels.

You know?

We figured if we had some hot
towels, we'd be good to go.

Just throw them under
her and let shit drop.

But we made it all
the way to Jersey.

And she didn't wind up having
the baby for another week

and shit like that.

So it was kind of a false alarm.

But we got a free
jet ride out of it.

And we didn't even
get to use it.

Like, jet.

You know, we could
have sent Mosier

into the bathroom, joined
the mile high club and shit.

But she was all, you know,
preggers and whatnot.

Do you like LA now?

Do I like LA now?

Uh, I like my house,
which happens to be in LA.

If I could move my house to
New Jersey, that'd be awesome.

And if we can change the
weather patterns in New Jersey,

so where it was like
constantly 77 degrees

like it is in Los Angeles,
that would be awesome, too.

But not going to happen.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Um, superpowers.

What would you have?

Both of you.

Superpowers.

Sir?

Really?

Yes, you.

Uh, oh, you're
asking-- I don't know.

Um, oh, fuck.

Fly, I guess.

I guess I would want to fly.

Such a commitment there.

I want to fly.

Just fucking fly.

Fly.

Fly.

I hadn't really thought
about superpower.

I'd want them all if I really
could fucking have superpowers.

The ability to be Polish and
American at the same time?

Maybe.

Yeah.

That'd be pretty--
- That wouldn't be super, though.

That wouldn't be super?

Super-stretchy cock
would-- I would get that.

Because then I could have the
big cock and shit all the time.

And then you
could suck it, too.

That's it, sir.

Stretchy cock.