Americathon (1979) - full transcript

What you're looking at
is downtown Pittsburgh,

one million b.C.

Those two big guys
are fighting for parking space.

This is where
our story begins.

If they could have learned
to live together

like decent human beings,
they'd still be around.

There never would have been
an energy crisis.

But they died out,
and what was left of them

turned into fossil fuel --
oil.

See? It's not cute
when 11 tons gets cranky.

Their problem was they were
all teeth and no brain,



which brings US to this guy.

Jimmy Carter was president
of the United States

when everybody started
to notice

we were running out
of dead dinosaurs --

no more gas to run our cars,

fights at the pumps,
people getting nozzle-whipped.

So what was his solution?

He made a speech.

The energy crisis
has not yet overwhelmed US,

but it will
if we do not act quickly.

We didn't.

When america finally
ran out of gas,

an angry mob broke
into the white house

and lynched him,



along with three or four of
his snottier cabinet members.

Carter's successor,
David eisenhower,

resigned and moved
to a south sea island

with his girlfriend Heidi,

where they spent all day
rolling in the sand

pretending they were grunion.

America was desperate
for a strong leader

like Teddy Roosevelt
or fdr.

With the power

invested in me
by the supreme court...

Instead, they elected a man
who had only one thing

in common
with these great men --

his last name, Roosevelt.

Chet Roosevelt --

a cosmically inspired
former governor of California.

President Roosevelt tried
numerous fund-raising schemes

to save the country,

including win a date with
the secretary of agriculture,

a national marijuana smoke-off,

and a contest to guess
how many jelly beans

were in the statue of Liberty.

All of this failed,
but he kept the country afloat

by secretly borrowing
billions of dollars

from america's wealthiest
citizen -- Sam birdwater.

God knows I am a patriot.

I loaned the country
$400 billion,

and I want
my $400 billion back.

Does that make me
a bad guy?

I've got to eat, too,
you know.

[ Alarm clock buzzing ]

So I'm giving the president

until the end of September
this year to pay me back,

or else I'll be forced
to foreclose.

What can I do?

I've got to eat, too,
you know.

Does that
make me a bad guy?

By the fall of 1998,

we were all used
to waking up to bad news.

That's me -- Eric mcmerkin.

Boy, I was a good-looking guy.

Announcer: We're going
to have a complete report

on kbob at 11:00 tonight.

Now the weather --
beautiful beach day.

Freeway conditions heavy.

This report brought to you
by magic seat --

the bicycle seat
that fits like a glove

and grabs you like a friend.

And now, still going strong
after 40 years,

the beach boys.

[ Instrumental opening
playing ]

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ living out in L.A. ♪

♪ It's such a beautiful day ♪

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ the skies are clear ♪

♪ it's a beautiful day
in L.A. ♪

♪ People in motion
on wheels ♪

♪ moving all kind of ways ♪

♪ indoors, outdoors
in the sun ♪

♪ there are people everywhere
having fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ and when
the moon and stars ♪

♪ come out at night ♪

♪ we'll know what to do
when we turn out the light ♪

♪ turn out the light ♪

♪ out the light ♪

♪ the freeways there
are jammed ♪

♪ with all kind of folks
on their bikes ♪

♪ with asphalt surfers ♪

♪ they all do their lefts
and their rights ♪

♪ roller-skating, jogging,
or a fancy bike ♪

♪ you can get around
most any way you really like ♪

♪ and when the sun is down
and the stars are bright ♪

♪ I can hardly wait
to get to hold you tight ♪

♪ hold you tight ♪

♪ hold you tight ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ living out in L.A. ♪

♪ It's such a beautiful day ♪

♪ whoa, oh ♪

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ riding the fast Lane is
a ballet in leisurely flight ♪

♪ people in motion ♪

♪ make the streets there
a beautiful sight ♪

♪ in good-time sunshine
you'll fell all right ♪

♪ and you'll maybe even feel it
after moonlight ♪

♪ you're sure to get as high
as the clouds above ♪

♪ participating
in this little dance of love ♪

♪ dance of love ♪

♪ dance of love ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ living out in L.A. ♪

♪ It's such a beautiful day ♪

♪ the freeways are jammed now ♪

♪ the cars have disappeared
from the scene ♪

♪ 'cause going to work
or to play ♪

♪ they use a whole nother
kind of machine ♪

[ Siren wailing ]

♪ Do-do-do ♪

♪ do-do-do ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ living here is a breeze ♪

♪ it's such
a beautiful feeling ♪

♪ Dee ♪

♪ Dee-Dee ♪

♪ Dee ♪

♪ Dee-Dee ♪

♪ Dee ♪

♪ Dee-Dee ♪

♪ Dee ♪

♪ Dee-Dee ♪

♪ Do-do-do ♪

♪ do-do-do ♪

♪ ooh ♪

Little did I know while
I was teaching that morning

that I was to be summoned
by the president

to the western white house,
a condominium in Marina del Rey

the president sublet from
a Mr. and Mrs. I. Siegelstein

of bay shore, New York.

Woman: Coffee
for the people!

Man: More kilowatt-hours!
Oust Roosevelt!

Man #2: We need
some money, Jack!

White house tour,
please stay with me.

Step lively, folks.

Out of the way, please.
Come on, come on.

Get out of here.

Filthy beggars, get back.

Suck a lemon, will you?

All right, folks,
please, come on. Come on.

He's a yutz!
He's a yutz!

Unhand me!

Get out of here.

One thing
that's very important --

no pictures when
we go inside, okay?

One picture -- that's it.

Okay, follow me.
Here we go.

A word about China --

China had become
a major world power,

defeating Russia
in table tennis

and a nuclear war.

They also had become
total capitalists,

opening a chain
of fast-food restaurants.

The big seller
was a mao tse tongue on rye.

Thank you, Sam.
How's it hanging?

All right.

Everyone, there is a cabinet
meeting in session,

so please,
as quiet as possible.

Wipe your feet
and don't touch anything.

There's a cabinet
meeting in session.

Yes, isn't it wonderful?

Come into the presidential
living room, sir.

[ All arguing ]

Another one
of them damn tours

right in the middle
of our meeting.

Sir, would you please
put that down?

That doesn't belong
to you.

Keep your hands off.

Gentlemen, that is
a valuable family heirloom.

It is worth a lot of money.

Please don't touch it,
all right?

Did I tell you
to wipe your feet?

What, you come in
with a great Dane?

[ Telephone rings ]

This raffle idea
is ridiculous,

and I want you
to know that now.

Man: I don't care
what you think.

We've got to do something.

Hi, United States
of america.

No, this is Lucy.

Oh, yes, Mr. Ambassador,
I'll tell him you called.

Oh, you're having
a nice time, ma'am?

You're having a nice time?
Up, please.

Sir, no bouncing
in the white house, okay?

What, any port
in a storm with you?

Do you understand English?
I'm trying --

wait a minute.

I told you not to touch
anything in the white house.

Now will you please
leave that alone?

Would you leave, please?

I'm sorry. I just --

look, everybody,

please just come
into the next room.

I didn't mean to hit you.
Don't tell anybody, please.

President Roosevelt
was a successful graduate

of est, scientology, tm,
and primal growth therapy,

and he was elected
on a platform

unique in American
political history --

"I'm not a schmuck."

even though that was
Chet's only campaign promise,

it looked like it would be
a tough one to keep.

25.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh.

Very good, Mr. President.

Very good.

Thank you, Jerry.

I'd like
to acknowledge you

for giving me this space
for an incredible workout.

Do you want me
to stop them?

No, no, it must be
the 2:00 tour.

I've got to get
to the cabinet meeting.

Hello, hello.

Nice to see you.
Hello, darling.

You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.

Excuse me. I have to go
to a cabinet meeting.

Hello.

Hi, how are you?

I love Chinese food.

Welcome to the white house.

Thank you very, very much.

Oh, I see you're all here.
That's great.

Please!

No.

Guide: People,
let's move it.

Please, ma'am, no spitting
in the hallway.

Hi, babe.

Man: $400 billion, and 30 days
to come up with it.

Couldn't we come up
with some kind of loan?

And what could we use
as collateral?

Mr. President,

don't you think
this situation

is getting
rather frightening?

Mnh-mnh.

No, herb,
I don't believe in fear.

Fear is just a bogeyman
of your mind.

I believe
in taking responsibility.

We created this.

We can create a way out.

We've got to move, sir.
You've got to decide.

Mr. President --

oops. Excuse me.

Christ. Do you want
to go down in history

as the president
who lost his country?

What loss, missy?

What is, is.

Get it?

Am I right, Jerry?

Jerry?

Hmm?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was thinking.

Huh.

I know a way
to raise money,

and it would be fun, too.

What is it, Lucy?

Let's hold a dance

and charge the entire country
$5 a head to get in.

Missy: Oh,
I can't stand it.

Get in where?

We don't even
own a building.

Now, now, hang on.

There's no need
to put Lucy down.

She's just saying
what she feels.

Mm-hmm.

I can't stand
this indecision.

Now, we have 30 days --

3-0, 720 hours --

and poof! --
This country is history.

Oh, come on.
He's such a downer.

I heard that.

All right,
I've made a decision.

We go ahead
with the raffle.

Missy:
Now, that makes sense.

I can't believe it.

You are the president
of the United States,

and you are going to allow him
to go on television

and raffle off the tomb
of the unknown soldier

to the highest bidder?

It's a disgrace.

You're all a disgrace.

I'm sorry,
but I am forced to resign.

Herb...

I'm clear that you
need the space to move on.

I love you.

Leave your name tag
at the desk.

Bye-bye.

Now, where were we?

Vince!

V--

not you. Vince.
Where is vanderhoff?

He's never here.
Some assistant.

He went to pick up
the media man -- mcmerkin.

Mcmerkin?

Yes. You know, the genius --
the media genius.

He's going to help US
sell this raffle idea.

Oh, yeah.

[ Straw drains glass ]

I had become america's
leading media expert,

and even though we didn't
have enough fuel to run cars,

there was one thing Americans

refused to do without --
television.

Follow me.

Excuse me.

Can you spare
$25 for a cup of coffee?

Get away.

Mr. Vanderhoff,
what's going on?

I don't have anything
at the present time.

Excuse me.
Are you with him, sir?

He has no comment
for you.

Mr. Vanderhoff,
would you care to comment

on the rumor
that president Roosevelt

has been assassinated?

Guys, how am I
supposed to know that?

I haven't been upstairs yet.
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Mcmerkin, of course
you're going to have to wear

an official
government I.D. Card.

For you.

Ah, jerks.

Why don't you move
back to Washington?

Assholes.

Hi!

Hello.

You wait here.

Everyone's
so uptight today.

Hi.

They're ready for you.

Be positive.

Hello. I'm glad
you could make it, uh...

Eric.

Eric. Welcome
to the western white house.

Jerry --

Jerry, let's dispense
with the formalities.

I'm president Roosevelt.

This is my cabinet
and my old lady.

Uh, we've met.

Please, sit down.

Thank you.

Eric, we've chosen you because
of your distinguished work

with the networks

and your brilliant research
at the university.

And because you know
this country where it lives --

in front of the TV set.

Ah, that's --
that's very nice of you.

What did you have
on your mind?

Nothing. We have nothing
on our minds.

We're clear. No clutter.

I see.

Huh.

What we do have
is a purpose.

We want
to hold a raffle.

A raffle?

Mcmerkin, this country
is flat broke.

Really?

Not a pot
to piss in, pal.

Vince, please,
let's move past it, okay?

Sir, I hate
to disappoint you,

but raffles don't work
on television.

It's strongly been proven
through research.

Why don't
you do a telethon?

Telethons always work. Look
what they did for disease.

I love that idea.

Chet, I could sew costumes.

Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh.

A telethon.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like that.

All of the people
taking responsibility.

All of the people
contributing.

Yeah, I like that --

a telethon.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

How about --

how about an americathon?

Jerry.

[ Humming ]

Jerry, don't do that.

Would you close
the curtains, please?

Just close the curtains.

Our problem is buffalo.

Sam birdwater got started
on the road to riches

by anticipating the popularity
of clown shoes,

a fad that swept the nation
in the late 1980s.

He parlayed this windfall
by getting into an essential

and practical
form of transportation --

high-fashion roller skates,

skates for every mood.

Finally, he formed

national Indian
knitting enterprises,

the largest conglomerate
of its kind in the world.

Sam: I loaned the country
$400 billion,

and I want
my $400 billion back.

Does that
make me a bad guy?

Is there some place
we can speak privately?

Anything
you can say to me

can be said
in front of my workers.

None of them
speaks English.

You watch.

Fire!

See? Nothing.

Fine.

Mr. Birdwater, I am here
to make an offer.

What kind of offer?

Well, certainly, sir,
you must understand

that this telethon business
can't possibly work.

Oh, maybe it can.

Come on, Mr. Birdwater,
you're a businessman.

Do you think they can raise
$400 billion in 30 days?

It isn't possible.

[ Bell rings ]

Damn union.

Another break.

I don't want this country.

What the hell am I
going to do with it?

Oh, sure, I like Idaho,

Hawaii's nice,

but a place like New York --

I couldn't even
give it to the mohawks.

And don't get me started
on Cleveland.

I just want my money.

Which is exactly
what my associates

are prepared to give you.

Associates?

At the present time,

they must remain nameless,

but when america
defaults to you,

we're prepared to take it
off your hands.

You got cash?

Lots of it, babe.

I found myself appointed
secretary of entertainment.

Three hours later, we met
to choose a telethon host.

We couldn't agree on anybody,

and we were down
to the bottom of the barrel.

The leading candidates
included Chuck barris,

whose latest hit was entitled
"The schlong show,"

in which
a panel of celebrities

would judge
and humiliate contestants

based on the size
of their private parts.

Binky fun --

a bit sophomoric,
but broad-base appeal.

Excuse me, sir.

Binky fun is
a fictitious name.

The man was actually
born Jack rosenoff.

He opposed the use
of whale oil lamps

and belongs to several
other environmental groups.

A real subversive.

No government clearance.

Peter Marshall --
former game show host,

now a respected
news anchorman.

President Roosevelt,

dealing with our nation's
financial crises,

has sold either "A" --
Yosemite national park,

"b" -- The everglades,

or "C" -- His mother's
priceless China set.

He has the trust
of the public.

He has been highly critical
of this administration.

I think
he'd be bad policy.

Well, Vince,
now, remember,

we have to allow him
space for his position.

But he's not funny.

Yeah, you're right.
Pass.

Monty rushmore.

[ Laughing ]

That's that --
that guy.

Popular, high appeal.

Never regained the movie star
fame he had in the '80s,

but he has maintained
audience awareness

as the star of a weekly
comedy series,

"both father and mother."

well, what
do you say, Vince?

Totally acceptable
to the government.

Then he's our man.

And now back
to "Both mother and father."

woman: Timmy, come on.

I'm not kidding now.

I'm going to tell your father
if you don't stop it.

What's going on
in there?

Woman: Your son's
tying me up again.

Timmy, you better stop...

[ Muffled yelling ]

Timmy, how many times
do I have to tell you?

Don't tie up
your babysitter.

I have to pay extra
for that.

[ Muffled yelling ]

Timmy: Damn it.
Hold still.

I'll be right back.

[ Muffled scream ]

I don't want
a babysitter.

All the guys
make fun of me.

I'm the only guy on the squad
who has a babysitter.

Don't grow up
too fast, Timmy.

Next thing, you'll want
your own bike.

I'd rather
have a Cadillac.

[ Laughter ]

But seriously, dad,

can't I stay
over at a friend's

like the other guys do?

It means a lot to you,
doesn't it, son?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Untie Janet
and get dressed.

I'll drop you off
on my way to work.

You mean
the bars again?

Stop that, Timmy.

Here I come, Janet.

Come on, Timmy...

Martha...

Our little boy
is growing up.

Will you take my panties
off your head?

Underwear is
a very personal thing.

And you tell your father
to pay me in money next time,

you little shit.

Bye, Janet.

[ Laughter ]

Hi, dad.

Timmy, I love you.

He'll be fine.

I understand
he's a wonderful man.

Where are those guys
that are waiting for me?

Oh, thank you.
Thanks for coming.

Mr. Rushmore,
I am Vincent vanderhoff.

This is Eric mcmerkin.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

Oh, it's an honor
to meet you guys.

When my agent told me

that you were coming here
after the show,

I almost cried.

Me, playing a part
in a slice of history.

I mean, me, a schmo
from the slums.

I am so moved.
I am so hungry. I'm hungry.

Hey, you guys had lunch?

I haven't.

I haven't.

Come on, let's go
to the commissary,

and we'll
grab a sandwich.

Listen, I'm going to need
a lot of things --

a decorated dressing room,
my own makeup man.

Uh, let's see,
what else do I need?

I'll need some diet pills.

Oh, yeah, you know,
just a mild stimulant.

30 days and nights --
got to keep awake.

Hey, they got a re-textured
meat substitute here.

Tastes just like pastrami.

And so, my fellow Americans,
my brothers, my sisters,

that is why
we cannot let our minds

get in the way
of our purpose.

And this telethon is not only

an incredible opportunity
to save our country,

but also an incredible
opportunity for all of US

to be responsible.

It's incredible...

Incredible. Incredible.

Everything's
so goddamn incredible.

You know what's
really incredible?

That this moron
is president.

You want to know
what his I.Q. Really is, huh?

102 -- moron.

And I've learned that we're all
on this planet together.

Our brother countries have
opened up their hearts to US...

[ Humming
and eating an apple ]

And are sending US
their finest performers.

That is why we have
allocated every last dollar

available to US
to make this telethon happen.

Engineers have been
working round-the-clock

to connect a powerful
steam generator

to run the electrical equipment.

And so, starting tomorrow,
for 30 days and 30 nights,

I hope that you'll all
contribute your gold

and other valuables
to the americathon.

I'm Chet Roosevelt,
your president,

and I love you.

[ Apple crunches ]

Gentlemen, soon america
will be yours.

I'd better explain something
about these two gentlemen.

Israel and their arab neighbors

got along better
than anyone ever dreamed,

and in 1991, moishe weitzman

and Abdul
Ben vereen Muhammed

became leaders
of the united hebrab republic,

a new nation
conceived in aggression,

world domination,

and having a good time
on a Saturday night.

They all learned
to live together as brothers

once they realized

the most important thing
they had in common --

the hots for anything blonde
with a tush.

[ Wolf whistle ]

[ Wolf whistle ]

Meanwhile, I only had 24 hours
to get the show on the air.

I was cool, calm,
and scared shitless.

Move the stuff off.

It's going to be
in the way here.

How's everything going?

It looks good on paper,
but I didn't realize

it was going
to be so much work.

I don't even know how
I got roped into this thing.

Fine. I've compiled
a list of performers

who are not on
any government blacklist.

"willie Lester,
ventriloquist.

Ventriloquist, ventriloquist,
ventriloquist."

something wrong?

Nothing, but you've
got 27 acts here,

and 25 are ventriloquists.

Listen, you're working
for the government now.

Put them on.

Put them on.
Okay. Okay.

I'll put them on. Okay.

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ get a move on ♪

♪ come on, come on ♪

♪ get a move on ♪

♪ I said come on, come on ♪

♪ get a move on ♪

♪ won't you come on ♪

♪ come on ♪

♪ and get a move on? ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ get a move on ♪

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the first minute
of the first day

of the first americathon

with the greatest
array of talent

ever assembled
all on one stage

to help america save itself...

Man: Up on two.

All right.
Ready, three.

Ready, three.

Monty rushmore!

220 years ago, our forefathers
came to these shores

because they heard this was
a land of golden opportunity.

The streets
were paved with gold.

But today our streets
are paved with cracked asphalt.

Is that our fault?

No, but what
can we do about it?

What do we need?

The answer to that
is one little word,

four little letters...

Let's get ready
for one -- and one.

♪ Give US all your
gold, gold, gold ♪

♪ just how would it
feel to know ♪

♪ that you left your neighbors
all out in the cold ♪

♪ by sitting
on your gold, gold, gold? ♪

♪ Don't ya hesitate ♪

♪ poor uncle Sam,
he can't wait ♪

♪ boom, boom ♪

♪ he's depending on his people ♪

♪ to keep old glory great ♪

Oh!

♪ Just give him
all your gold, gold, gold ♪

Love this guy monty.

Very funny.

♪ You can make
this broken country whole ♪

♪ just give US all your
gold, gold, gold ♪

♪ just give US
all your gold, gold, gold ♪

♪ got to give
a bit of your heart ♪

♪ gold, gold, gold ♪

♪ gold, gold, gold ♪

♪ whoo! ♪

All right, now.

♪ I ain't
talking about rubies ♪

♪ I ain't
talking about silver ♪

♪ I'm talking about ♪

♪ that sweet, cool, hard,
and glistening stuff ♪

♪ you know what I mean ♪

♪ oh, I remember ♪

♪ when we had plenty ♪

♪ tables have turned now ♪

♪ we don't have any more ♪

♪ gold, gold, gold ♪

♪ get on down to your soul ♪

♪ you can make
this broken country whole ♪

♪ just give US
all your gold... ♪

He's cute.

He's not that cute.

Come on.

Lucy. Lucy.

Monty: And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

here is our gold girl.

♪ For golden stripes ♪

♪ for golden waves of grain ♪

♪ for golden
mountain majesties ♪

♪ above the golden plain ♪

Hi, I'm the golden girl,

and I'm oh, so proud

to be part
of this wonderful cause.

And I know in my heart of hearts
you'll answer my plea.

Please, everyone,
do this for me.

Help me to help america win.

Help me to keep US

from spreading our eagle
too thin.

I'm wearing my heart out
on my chest for all to see.

Do you have your heart on?

Well, if you do,
then call now, please.

Don't let anything bad happen

to this land
where freedom lives,

where justice lives,

where my mom and dad live.

Let's all join hands together

and band into one glorious
band of gold.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is what this
is all about.

You're an American,
I'm an American, right?

For the next 30 days,
nights, and afternoons,

we're going to
be Americans together,

passing the hat for america.

I want you to dig deep
into your pockets.

Don't hurt yourselves,
but you know what I mean --

contribute, get out there,
participate with US.

This is going to be a terrific,
important event.

We're going to have
a great show for you,

so send in that money.

If you want coffee,
there's plenty.

Corrina? I want
to talk about costumes.

Looking good, mcmerkin.

Costumes are fine,
performers seem happy.

They should --
it's the first time

most of them have
worked in 30 years.

Have you seen the guy
with the talking armpit?

Who are these people?

$728387.

I'd like to introduce
a wonderful act

straight from the gambling
capital of america --

Miami, Florida.

Here they are. A nice big
welcome for the carlsons.

Do your steps
for mommy.

My baby's such
a big fan of yours.

Thank you.

It will be wonderful
working with you.

Great beginning, huh?
What do you think?

Oh, i-I'm sure
it's going to be great.

Weren't you watching?

Well, I'm trying
to coordinate costumes.

When I'm out there,
I want you watching me.

Monty, you're going to
be on for 30 days.

Then you'll watch me
for 30 days.

You watch me.

Ugh. Look at this act.

The worst.

Got to get them off.

Let's hear it.

Come on, let's hear it.

Beautiful. Wonderful.

The carlsons.

He was very good,

but the lady with
the balls -- outstanding.

Now, we want you to call in.

That's the important thing.

Everyone all across the country
was watching the telethon,

from what was left of New York

to the first all-gay state,
north Dakota.

All eyes were glued
to their sets,

which in some cases
ruined a lot of good shoes.

Everyone hoped that the show
would save the country,

or at least get them
to Tuesday.

Many plug-in items
were received,

but, unfortunately,
they were not of great value

because there were
no more plugs.

However, there were
many acts of heroism.

One young patriot
from New Jersey, Chris broder,

vowed to cross america
on his skateboard.

His supportive and patient dad
went along for the trip.

Will you come on?

Come on, Chris,
let's go.

Come on, you little pansy.
Move your ass!

Back at the telethon,

monty was about to make
a trip of his own.

Will you look
at this guy?

You're going to be
a movie star again.

You are.

Just hang in there, cutie.
Just hang in there.

But you can't do it alone.

You have to have
your little friends.

Where are they?

Where are my friends?

Where are they?

Oh, there they are.

Hi, guys.

Don't be jealous, pinkies.

We're going to go
for a whitey.

Keep practicing.

Great costume.
Wait downstairs.

Keep practicing.
Everyone's going to get on.

Excuse me.

Miss mouling Jackson
has arrived,

and we can't find
our accommodations.

Oh, my god.
You're early.

Is there some kind
of problem?

No, no. No problem.

I just have to make some
dressing room adjustments.

[ Speaks Vietnamese ]

Oh, man,
what's the problem, huh?

I mean, the guitars
are getting heavy,

the guys smell,

I'm sweating like a pig.

I mean, come on,
what's the hassle?

No hassle, miss Jackson.

Why don't you
and your friends

use Mr. Rushmore's
dressing room, okay?

Just for the time being.

I ought to tell you something

about mouling Jackson's
homeland, Vietnam.

Vietnam had become the French
riviera of the 1990s,

and the beautiful people
of the world flocked there

to enjoy its
white sand beaches,

luxury hotels, exciting night
life, and gambling casinos.

Vietnam was also the home of
a growing musical phenomenon,

puke rock, and mouling Jackson
was its biggest star.

In her high school
graduating class,

mouling was voted
most likely to take a life.

Oh, quaaludes.

Cocaine.

What the hell is this?

Hey, what are you guys
doing here?

Hey, what --
this is my dressing room.

What --

hey, uppers.

They suck.

[ Speaks Vietnamese ]

And now, here's monty!

Vince: Hey, this show
is terrible. No way.

It's looking pretty good
to me, vanderhoff.

What are you
talking about?

These are the worst acts
I could find,

and this guy rushmore
will not last three days.

The man is on drugs.

I handpicked him myself --

a manic depressive
with a bad ticker.

When my government
send me to usc,

I watched his films.

Years ago.

According to my
calculations,

they're off
to an excellent start.

Come on. A couple
of hundred million dollars.

Come on.

Watch this guy rushmore.

You're going to see a man

have a total
emotional collapse.

Guys, I promise, okay?

We've decided
to put our men

in a state of readiness
just in case.

Men? How big
is this suite?

Hebrab: Behind the hotel,
a commando squad --

arabs and Jews
united in brotherhood.

[ Speaking
foreign language ]

It's only 3:00 in the morning.
You're sleeping already.

Hi, how are you?

Not everyone had time to sleep.

President Roosevelt was busy
conducting domestic relations.

♪ Without love,
there's nothing doing ♪

♪ I will die without love ♪

Still think
he's cute, huh?

I can't believe
how much energy he has.

Come here, Lucy.

Chet?

What?

Chet, could we go down
to the telethon tomorrow?

Lucy, I am the president.

I've got an emergency
budget meeting at 9:00,

an emergency foreign
policy meeting at 10:00.

I got to meet a guy
from domestic affairs --

why is it always
things for you

and nothing ever for me?

I got something
for you, Lucy.

Chet, you're such
an animal.

[ Door slams ]

What is wrong with her?

Who?

Well, anyway, here she is.

Straight from Ho Chi Minh City,

her first appearance
in america --

mouling Jackson.

[ Rock music playing ]

Uh!

Uh, uh!

♪ Uh, uh, uh ♪

♪ ahh ♪

♪ ahh ♪

[ Panting ]

Aah!

♪ Yes, I'm a lady ♪

♪ classy, too ♪

♪ but come over here ♪

♪ I'll prove it to you ♪

♪ and then if you still think
I don't got style and grace ♪

♪ I can also gracefully ♪

♪ rip the lips off your face ♪

♪ don't you ever say no to me ♪

♪ you garbage ♪

♪ don't you ever say no to me ♪

♪ this is why ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock you,
wreck you ♪

♪ smack you, break you,
and then ♪

♪ kiss your honkie ass
bye-bye ♪

Ow!

Hey, man, I'm a lady.

♪ I can really get into
that frilly shit ♪

Oh!

♪ When I do it like that ♪

♪ you'd better
appreciate it, oh ♪

♪ I can light your
cute little chest hairs ♪

♪ watch them sizzle and burn ♪

♪ roast marshmallows
on you until you learn ♪

Good god.

♪ I'm white with fire ♪

♪ I'm wet with heat ♪

♪ I'm hungry for something ♪

♪ oh, so sweet ♪

♪ and, ooh,
you do look good to me ♪

♪ good enough to eat ♪

♪ are you man enough? ♪

♪ Are you bad enough, huh? ♪

♪ Have you got the stuff? ♪

♪ Have you got enough
of that stuff? ♪

♪ Have you got enough
of that stuff, huh? ♪

[ Growls ]

[ Screaming and panting ]

She's not that cute.

Lucy, don't be --

I saw the way you were
drooling over her.

She's an animal,
and you're an animal.

Lucy.

Choo-choo.
Choo-choo train.

Whoo-whoo!

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ oh, give to me,
give it to me ♪

Jerry.

That girl is incredible.

Get me a date with her.

♪ Aah ♪

♪ aah ♪

Aah!

I'll remember.

We were walking down
the street --

help me with the joke.

That's not funny.

It's hard to believe
all these people

independently came up
with this for a career.

Monty: Mcmerkin, mcmerkin.

I don't understand you.

What's with these acts?

Monty, it's not me --

well, who is it? Me?

Let me give you
some advice.

Get this show together,
or you're not going to be

working in
this business again.

Is that a promise?

Look, it's --

monty, monty -- onstage.

Vanderhoff's plan was working.

The country was subjected

to several hundred
ventriloquists whose lips moved

even when
their dummies' didn't,

and believe me,
that's not entertainment.

♪ Money was funny,
don't make me laugh ♪

♪ money got funny
is a thing of the past ♪

♪ bah-dah, bah-dah,
bah-dah, bah-dah ♪

♪ bah-dah, bah-dah,
bah-dah, bah-dah ♪

♪ hurry up and get on up ♪

♪ I just can't seem
to get enough ♪

♪ grab your coat,
get on my bike ♪

♪ we're going to
leave here tonight ♪

♪ we're going to
leave here tonight ♪

♪ so come on, come on,
come on ♪

♪ get a move on ♪

♪ come on, come on,
and get a move on ♪

All the way
from Amsterdam, Holland,

the all-girl marching band.

[ Marching drums playing ]

Dummies, Dutch dykes --

I've got to get away
from it.

They're not going to
hang this Turkey on me.

Get away from me.

Man: Stupid ideas --

just what I need.

What do you want?

Mr. Rushmore, I think
we should have a talk.

You'd better believe
we have to talk.

We all know things aren't
going as well as planned.

Plan? Oh, sorry.
I must have missed that.

I didn't know
we had a plan.

I thought that was just
a surprise party out there.

There's no need
to be hostile.

We're not
your father.

Who's this jerk?

President Roosevelt.

Oh, I'm --
I'm terribly sorry, sir.

I-I didn't
recognize you.

I don't
read the papers.

But, sir, maybe you
can understand.

I fought very hard
for my career.

I've hurt
a lot of people.

I've destroyed
three marriages.

Got it.

I can't let that all go
to nothing because this jerk

is bringing in ventriloquists
and marching bands.

Don't you understand?

Now, how far behind
are we?

Not very.

How far behind?

$70 billion.

What?

$70 billion.

7-0 billion?

Oh, well, $70 billion.

We've been out there
seven days

and we're only
$70 billion behind.

I'm going to kill --

monty, monty, monty.
Relax.

But --

relax.

But we've got
to do something.

Monty, I agree.
The problem is the acts.

The entertainers
are not the problem.

They're all
government-approved.

The acts will
make a difference.

We've got to
create spectaculars --

something people
can't see every day.

I like that.

The unusual,
the uncommon.

What do people
really want?

Well, cigarettes.

Blenders.

Credit cards.

Well, I find
that people enjoy

a good ventriloquist act.

Cars that run.

Cars.

What are you
going to show, a car?

That's going to
make people angry.

They don't own one.
They'll attack US.

What if someone
attacks the car?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the ultimate battle.

America's last car versus
america's greatest daredevil --

Oklahoma Roy budnitz!

[ Tires screech ]

Yaah!

[ Tires skidding ]

Aah!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Oklahoma Roy budnitz has
destroyed america's last car!

Let's hear it
for Oklahoma Roy budnitz!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I've got to tell you,

god bless you people.

The money is rolling in,
it's pouring in.

Oh, isn't it
exciting, Vince?

All the phones
are lighting up.

Yes, sir.
I'm delighted, sir.

Incredible.
It's working.

Incredible, sir.

[ Sarcastically ] Incredible,
incredible, incredible.

Jerry. Jerry.

Jerry, get over here.

Huh?

Come here. Come here.

Jerry, Jerry,
come here.

Listen, did you set up
that date with mouling?

Who?

The Vietnamese girl.

Oh, I thought
she was Chinese.

Vietnamese.

Oh, yes.

She'll be at the condo
in one hour.

Oh, boy,
that's terrific.

She's got such
a terrific body.

I bet she's so hot!

Lucy.

I was just asking Jerry
where you were.

I'm right here.

Honey, would you do me
a huge favor?

I have some
very important business

to handle
at the apartment,

and Jerry was saying
that, uh,

it would be
a great help to US

if -- if you stayed here
at the telethon, okay?

Jerry said that?

Yeah, he was saying that,
weren't you, Jerry?

Yeah, he was
just saying that.

Okay, honey, have fun,

and I'll come back
for you later, okay?

Let's move.

Monty: What is it?

We got our first state
to reach its quota

of $1,000 per person.

It's our 57th state --
england!

British announcer:
Cheery hello

from the state capital
of London.

There have been changes,

many changes
since england was annexed

by her former colonies.

Today is a day
of celebration --

from the limeyland
amusement park

on the former grounds
of Buckingham Palace

to here,
outside thatch's disco

at 10 downing street.

♪ Can't you take
another chance ♪

♪ that they will not
impress me ♪

♪ attach me
to your credit card ♪

♪ then you can undress me ♪

♪ everybody
is on their knees ♪

♪ except the Russian savage
that I need ♪

♪ got it better,
I've gone too far ♪

♪ there's one way out,
there's only one way ♪

♪ even better than
going too far ♪

♪ crawling to the usa ♪

♪ crawling to the usa ♪

♪ crawling to the usa ♪

♪ crawling to the usa ♪

♪ crawling to the usa ♪

♪ crawling to the usa ♪

♪ crawling to the usa ♪

So, how's it going?

Very well.

Too well.

What do you mean?

The money's pouring in.
They almost made quota.

You're kidding.

We are not kidding,
vanderhoff.

We do not want
to lose this country.

How can you eat
that stuff?

What are you talking about?
Couscous is delicious.

We've got to knock
this thing off the air.

We're going to put
commandos in the studio,

and you are going
to help US.

Me? But why me?

Because you are in it
up to here.

[ Burps ]

[ Speaking
foreign language ]

Boys, get ready
for a fanfare,

a fanfare for billions.

We sold San Diego!

All right!

Our borders
will always be open,

and this beautiful city,

which I plan to call

Tijuana heights...

[ Cheering ]

Shall become a haven

for bargain hunters
throughout the world.

Monty: That's it.
We did it.

$28 billion for San Diego.

[ Bells ringing ]

[ Humming ]

Thank you, Jerry.

[ Mouling yelling ]

All right, gentlemen,
let her go.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Jerry, let her go.
Thank you.

Uhh!

All right.
All right.

Jerry, Jerry,
I'm ashamed of you.

Come on, mellow out, now.
Mellow out.

Just leave US alone,
all right?

Leave US alone.
We'll be fine.

Thank you.

Jerry, Jerry,
I get that you're angry.

I want you to go up
to your room now

and just relax,
all right?

We'll talk about
it later, okay?

Jerry, Jerry, I don't want
to tell you again now.

Jerry, give US the space
to be alone.

Goodbye.

I'm sorry.
Hello, welcome.

Hey, what's the trip,
man, huh?

I don't dig being brought
to some dump

by a bunch of thugs.

Well, I apologize
if they hurt

or inconvenienced you
in any way.

I just wanted
to meet you so much.

You woke me up
to meet me?

Oh, god!

Don't tell me
it's fan time, huh?

Well, actually
I am quite a fan.

I don't dig it.
I worked late last night.

I don't like being treated
like a bourger cript.

A bourger cript?

Bourger cript.

Oh, bourgeois creep.

Thank you, I got it.

Boy, you really say
what you feel, don't you?

You're damn right
I say what I feel, man.

I mean, dig it.

I'm not impressed
with you.

I don't care
if you're the president

of this place.

This place suck!

I mean, I can't wait
to get back to 'nam

where thing are together.

It's crazy here, man.

You just caught america
at a bad time.

It's been
a lousy year for US.

I apologize.

Can I, uh,
can I get you a drink?

Alcohol for pig!

Look, miss Jackson,
the reason I had --

the reason I wanted
to meet you

was I-I watched your
performance on television

and I was absolutely riveted
by your aliveness,

your animal
sensuality --

don't you
get it yet, stupid?

Chet.

Do I have to draw you
a picture?

I don't like you.
I don't like your country.

I did my bit, and I want
to go back to 'nam.

Jesus h. Christ!

Look at me,
goddamn it!

Ooh.

I'm not a country.
I'm not an office.

I'm not
a decorative seal.

I'm a person.
I'm a man.

I'm a man who wants
to make love to you.

Oh, you want
to pork, huh?

Why didn't you say so,
man, you know?

Dive in.

You mean you
really want to?

Oh, yeah. Come on, man.
Dig in, man.

I'm so funked up for you,
I can't wait.

This is so great.
I can't --

ugh!

The shoes, man.
Get the shoes.

Oh, come on, man.
Oh, come on, man.

Soup's on.

It just peels off?

Oh, I'm so ripe, man.
Come on, man, move it.

Heel, toe, heel, toe.
Jerry!

Eh! Ooh! Ooh!

Come on, man, will you?
I'm aging.

Heel, toe, heel, toe.
Jerry!

Wait a second.
If I could just get --

whoo! I love
the animal man.

Keep it going.
Keep it going.

Keep the tassel on,
would you?

Meanwhile,
courageous little Chris broder

was making his way
across the country

raising money
for the telethon.

On the 14th day, his father
finally allowed Chris

to stop for lunch.

Come on, kid.
Will you come on?

You've had enough food.

[ Cheering ]

[ Marching band playing ]

Girl: Keep going.

Man: Keep going.

Where is he, Ben?

There he is.

What's he doing?

All right. All right.

Come on,
ladies and gentlemen,

we've been on for 14 days.
14 days, do you hear me?

Don't get me wrong,
but it isn't good enough!

Now, come on.

What have you been doing
out there, huh?

You've been having a ball
while monty's busting his butt!

What do I have to do
to get you people

to send US some gold?

I want your gold!

Hey, what are you
doing up --

uhh!

Ohh!

What do I have to do
to get you to participate here?

What have I got to do
to make you dig down deeper?

What do I got to do,
grope a sheep?

Is that what you want?
All right, I'll grope a sheep.

You got a sheep?

One, move to your left.
That's good.

Okay, I'll do it,
but I better get that money.

Hey, nobody's
supposed to --

[ choking ]

I want the money we made
when we sold Puerto Rico.

Who is going to do it?

What happened
to the lights?

What the hell's
going on, Walter?

Are you responsible
for this?

I don't know --

check it out, mister.
I don't like it.

What happened
to our power?

Man: Where are the lights,
can't work without lights.

[ Crowd screaming ]

Monty: Mcmerkin!

In here, monty.

Who are those guys?

I don't know,

but they destroyed
the electrical system.

Well, fix it.

Calm down. How long
is this going to take?

I don't know.

The only place they make
these parts is China.

China? China?

The show was blacked out
for five days.

What did Americans do?

They still stayed glued
to their sets.

Let's face it -- america
had become a boring place.

Man: Here come
the lights.

Hey, all right,
we're back.

We are back!

Near tragic circumstances
have set US back.

We are billions
of dollars behind,

but I want to tell you
something right now.

You cannot stop america!

♪ Oh, beautiful ♪

♪ for spacious skies ♪

♪ for Amber waves of grain ♪

♪ for purple mountain
majesties ♪

♪ above the fruited plain ♪

♪ america ♪

♪ america ♪

♪ god shed his grace on thee ♪

Would you look
at this talent?

Who's going to send money
to see guys flex things

most people don't even have?

We'd been off
the air too long.

I was stale.
The ideas just weren't coming.

Look at this madness.
Look at this.

Some genius. I don't even want
to think anymore.

But you really are
a genius.

I've seen it.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I'm getting
an incredible idea.

This is just awful.

This is really sick.

[ Bell dings ]

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

a special americathon event --

family in-fighting.

In this corner --
Larry Miller!

And in this corner,
his mother -- Mrs. Adele Miller!

Yes, it's the world's first
mother-son fight.

And now,
for the blow-by-blow account,

Mr. Jimmy Dunphy!

This fight has been brewing
for over 30 years.

Adele has vowed
to prove to her son

like she's told him
a million times before --

your mother's always right.
And what a right she has.

On the other hand,
Larry never writes,

so she's really steamed.

Mr. Referee,
is this any way

for a boy
to tie his gloves?

Shut up, ma!

That's no way to talk
to your mother,

little poopy-butt.

I told you
not to call me that!

Poopy-butt. Poopy-butt!

I'm going to kill you, ma!

[ Cheering ]

Ring the bell.

[ Bell dings ]

[ Switchboard buzzing ]

Ha ha ha.

Sonny...

I don't want
to fight you, ma.

She cold-cocked him

with a kick
to the family jewels.

It's all over!

[ Fanfare playing ]

[ Cheering ]

It's working, kid.
The money's pouring in.

You saved monty's career.

He's not going
to forget you for this.

Ow, monty, that hurts.

Bad planning, vanderhoff.

Bad planning
is why your country

is in the toilet.

Good planning is why
the united hebrab republic

is the most powerful
nation in the world.

Praise the Jews.

Or praise the arabs.

All: L'Chaim.

They can't keep it up.

You may be wrong again.

Time for another
terrorist act.

[ Speaking foreign language ]

Hey, want a cigarette?

You are the most exciting
woman I have ever met.

Take me with you.

Hey, talk sense, Chet.

You're the president
of the place.

You can't leave.

I don't care.

My most important
responsibility is to myself.

I love you
more than anything.

I love you more than my job,
more than my country.

Hey, you're really
into me, huh?

I love when you do that.

Hey, I once wrote a song
about a guy like you.

[ Singing in Vietnamese ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hello?

[ Speaking foreign language ]

♪ I feel so nice ♪

[ Singing in Vietnamese ]

♪ You make me so nice ♪

Shh, shh.

♪ I love you so ♪

Ha ha ha!

♪ I love you ♪

♪ nee, nee, nee, nee, nee ♪

Hey!

[ Growls ]

Stay!

Mouling, wait a second.
No violence.

Let's reason with them.

[ Muffled shouting ]

Do you know who I am?
You're being very hostile.

Whoa.

I can give you the name
of a good therapist.

I got to get my socks.

[ Muffled shouting ]

All right, let's hear it,
ladies and gentlemen.

All right,
put your hands together.

All right, boys,
that was terrific.

All right, kids, thank you.
That was wonderful.

Skipping rope -- all right!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I got to tell you,

god bless you people.

The money is rolling in!

What is it, Danny?

Look at this.

Oh, my god.
Is this for real?

The president's been kidnapped.

[ Audience gasps ]

Man: The president.
The president.

[ Audience murmuring ]

You can't let
the man die.

We have to pay.

Losing president Roosevelt
would be a national tragedy.

What are you
talking about?

The loss to this country!

Who are you kidding?

You couldn't stand him!
None of US could!

Why, you --

[ shouting ]

After much
painful deliberation,

we have decided that we cannot
yield to terrorist demands.

We cannot give up
what we fought so hard to gain.

We believe
that president Roosevelt

would have wanted it this way.

[ Cheering ]

I don't believe this.
Those cheap bastards.

How could they
do this to me?

Not a very
popular guy, huh?

Could be a trick.

Wait till this
gets back to 'nam.

There's going to be war
over this.

Take them into the bathroom.

Wait a second.

Gentlemen,
could we just -- ow, ow.

Hey, you know something?
You guys suck.

Mouling, take it easy.
These guys are psychotic.

No offense.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a special treat
for you.

Do you remember
last week we had a man here

who almost gave his life
for the americathon?

He is back to make
a bigger sacrifice.

The car killer himself --
that's who's here.

A nice big welcome
for Oklahoma Roy budnitz!

How are you?
Nice to see them.

Hey, hello there.

Mighty glad to be here.

I know how much
you're doing for america,

and I just want to do
something for america myself.

This wonderful man
has agreed to auction off

a pint of his own blood
to the highest bidder.

Come on over here.

Some of you guys
might be having problems

in the old "Slam, bam,
thank you, ma'am" Department.

A little shot of Roy's blood
might turn that around.

Danny,
get that bidding started.

Let's start the bidding.

I feel great.
Plug it in, honey.

This great American

is going to donate
some of his blood.

Let's get that bidding
started right now.

Hey, did you see
those numbers going up?

They want blood.

So it seems.

You got $100,000 already?

Hey, all right, america.

Let's get it
to $150,000.

I'm talking
about real blood.

Oh, sure.

Why don't we just
kill someone onstage?

Great idea. Get on it.

Are you
out of your mind?

Unh-unh.

You're talking about
taking a life.

Mm-hmm.

I don't believe you.

I've got to get
out of here.

You're crazy.

Sure, go ahead, leave.
Go on.

Sure, you quitter.
Coward! Faggot!

Hey, wait.
Where are you going?

I'm going home.

Can I come?

Sure.

♪ Open up your heart
and let me in ♪

♪ let me fill it up
and then begin ♪

♪ it's like I've wanted to
for years ♪

♪ to close my eyes and know
that someone's really near ♪

♪ your eyes ♪

♪ your eyes are like diamonds ♪

♪ diamonds ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

♪ just what's behind them ♪

♪ your smile ♪

♪ your smile's kind of lazy ♪

♪ lazy ♪

♪ the warmth of your skin
and the touch of your hand ♪

♪ drives me crazy ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ open up your heart ♪

♪ let me in ♪

♪ so you can do for me
what I can do for you ♪

♪ open up your ♪

♪ ooh, let me in, let me in,
let me in, baby ♪

♪ share the love of one
that's meant for two ♪

♪ share the love of one
that's meant for two ♪

♪ open up your heart ♪

♪ and let me in ♪

♪ open up your ♪

♪ ooh, and let me in ♪

Ah, to be young again.

Of course, that's more painful
than it looks.

Right now I'm sitting
on the stick shift.

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Meanwhile,
back at the telethon,

monty had hit rock bottom.

Remember that suitcase
full of drugs he started with?

Well, monty was down
to snorting the lining.

He's here? He --

ladies and gentlemen,
you remember our poster boy?

Well, he has finished
his 3,000-mile trek

across this country.

He's waiting in the wings
to take all that money

and put it into our eagle.

Send out the poster boy!

[ Band playing fanfare ]

Easy, kid.
Oh, look at this kid.

Is this something?
Is this kid something?

He pushed this board

through every town
and village

from fort Lee, New Jersey,
to Hollywood, California.

How much money
did you collect?

$32.12.

What, are you a comedian?

What, are you trying
to waste my time?

Get out of here,
you punk kid.

[ Crash ]

Gracias, gracias, gracias.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

James cagney.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Imitating James cagney
in Spanish ]

Hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, that's very good.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much.

That was wonderful.

John Wayne.

You did.
That was wonderful.

I loved it.
I love you. Come here.

[ Spits ] Maricón!
Maricón!

Finally,
monty went over the edge.

I stink. I'm no good.

Oh...

Help me. Help me!

For god's sakes, help me!

Gary, give me a hand!

Danny: Ladies and gentlemen,
monty is okay.

A lot of people
have been calling in,

asking about monty.

He's all right.

Thank god
you're here, kid.

I've been going crazy.

Now, look, kid, we need
something big out there.

Now, I was thinking about
selling Seattle.

It's over, monty.

Yeah, it's going to be,

unless you get
some excitement out there.

What about
the killing idea?

There's not going
to be any killing.

Out-of-work actors
will do it for 50 bucks.

If people don't care enough
about saving the country,

maybe it's not worth saving.

At least let's go down
with dignity.

Dignity?

You want dignity?

You want dignity, huh?

All right.
Here's your dignity!

This is what they want.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, kid.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, you can't
run out on me now.

Without you,
I'm a dead man.

I'll be dead.

Please, kid,
it's the last day.

Monty, monty, you're on.

Okay. Okay, fine.
Fine, kid.

With you or without you.

Hold on.

Monty. Monty --

monty.

Mcmerkin is here now.
I'm looking at him.

No, no, they still don't
want to pay the ransom.

What? Just a second,
operator. Hold on.

Hello?

All right, it's okay.
Now is the time.

Yes, send them over.
This is the time.

I will stand here
and watch him.

Yes, you can trust me.
The sooner, the better.

Goodbye. Shalom.

Monty: I'd like to do a song.

See if it means anything to you.
If not, tough buttons.

♪ My life ♪

♪ I'm loved and envied ♪

♪ yes, even hated ♪

♪ because I'm gifted ♪

I wonder
what he's on now.

♪ But, oh ♪

♪ you just don't know ♪

♪ I suffered so ♪

♪ but then was lifted
to the top ♪

♪ top of the heap ♪

Yeah, I guess I do, too.

Mcmerkin?

Yes?

Telegram.

Look, guys,
I don't work here. I --

come with me!

Oh, my god.

♪ Who cares
what others think? ♪

♪ They think I stink ♪

♪ okay by me, man ♪

Man: Hey, look out!
He's got a gun!

[ Shouting ]

♪ But down the -- ♪

What are you
trying to do?

They're trying
to kill me!

I don't care.
Get off my stage!

[ Woman screams ]

Shit!

Man: Oy vey!

[ Shouting ]

Steady, three.

Monty.

Mommy!

Take it. Come on.

Ben, give me a doctor.

Checking him.

[ Telephones ringing ]

Woman: Americathon.

Monty was right.
They did want blood --

his blood.

Looking back on it,
if I'd have known

that shooting monty
would have worked so well,

I would have shot him myself.

He's not dead.
He's going to be all right.

He's coming to.
Ready, three, and...Three!

What happened?

It's okay, monty.
It's only a flesh wound.

Don't give me flesh wound.
I'm dying, you schmuck.

Get these people
out of here.

Clear out, please.

Let's give the man
some room.

He's dying.

Monty: It's my blood.

Folks, do something.

I'm dying.

Call in, make a pledge.

Don't let me die in vain.

Monty had died
many times onstage,

but this was his finest hour...
And 10 minutes.

I want to be able to say,

"i saved my country.

I saved america."

what can I do?

I've got to eat,
too, you know?

Please. We've only got
a few minutes.

How much do we need?

We still need
$18 million, monty.

The son of a bitch
may pull this off yet.

Look, it's lighting up.
We're down to $10 million.

Please send it in.

$387 -- whoa!

Please. I've given my life
for this telethon.

Danny: Ladies and gentlemen,
that's it!

We're almost finished!

The americathon
is almost over!

Audience: Go! Go! Go! Go!

Give!

[ Bell rings ]

Jesus Christ.

That's it -- 30 days.

We came up $88,000 short.

You don't love monty.

You don't care!

Monty wants to die.

I want to die, Danny.
I don't care.

Bastards.

I want to die.

I don't want to live.

Mr. Birdwater.

Birdwater.

You came to collect, huh?

Go ahead, take it all.
I don't care.

Here, monty.

Huh?

You did a terrific job.

Great show.

Does that make me
a bad guy?

Wait a minute.
This is $100,000.

Wait a minute.

[ Audience gasps ]

It is! It's $100,000!
Danny, look!

We did it! We did it!

Get out of here!
I did it!

I did it!

I saved america!

[ Trumpets playing fanfare ]

[ Explosions ]

[ Bell ringing ]

Beautiful.

And so we made it,
and america went on.

But let me tell you
what happened

to all these people.

Soon after the telethon,
Lucy and I were married.

We had a couple of kids

and moved into a terrific
station wagon in Beverly Hills.

Monty rushmore went directly
to a 3-year booking

in the state mental hospital.

He's now the host
of "The tonight show."

the hebrabs released Chet
and mouling after the telethon.

Vincent vanderhoff almost had
his head popped by Jerry,

but Vince and Chet made up
and left together for Vietnam,

where they formed
a disco religion

which teaches that god speaks
through Donna summer.

Mouling Jackson
is currently living

with American actor
Warren Beatty.

Oh, almost forgot Jerry,

but you all know
what happened to him.

And with the power
vested in me

by the supreme court,
I now declare you

president
of the United States.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ living out in L.A. ♪

♪ Such a beautiful day ♪

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ the skies are clear ♪

♪ it's a beautiful day
in L.A. ♪

♪ People in motion ♪

♪ on wheels moving
all kind of ways ♪

♪ indoors, outdoors,
in the sun ♪

♪ there are people everywhere
having fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ and when the moon and stars
come out at night ♪

♪ we'll know what to do
when you turn out the light ♪

♪ turn out the light ♪

♪ out the light ♪

♪ the freeways there
are jammed ♪

♪ with all kind of folks
on their bikes ♪

♪ with asphalt surfers ♪

♪ they're all doin' their lefts
and their rights ♪

♪ roller-skating,
jogging, or a fancy bike ♪

♪ you can get around
most any way you really like ♪

♪ and when the sun is down
and the stars are bright ♪

♪ I can hardly wait
to get to hold you tight ♪

♪ hold you tight ♪

♪ hold you tight ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ living out in L.A. ♪

♪ It's such a beautiful day ♪

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ riding in the fast Lane ♪

♪ to the valley
in leisurely flight ♪

♪ people in motion
in the streets ♪

♪ they're a beautiful sight ♪

♪ in good times, sunshine,
you'll feel all right ♪

♪ well, maybe even goin'
after moonlight ♪

♪ you're sure to get as high
as the clouds above ♪

♪ participatin' in this
little dance of love ♪

♪ dance of love ♪

♪ dance of love ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ living out in L.A. ♪

♪ It's such a beautiful day ♪

♪ the freeways are jammed now ♪

♪ the cars have disappeared
from the scene ♪

♪ 'cause goin' to work
or to play ♪

♪ they use a whole nother
kind of machine ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ living here is unreal ♪

♪ such a beautiful deal ♪

captions paid for by
Warner Bros. Inc.