American Zombieland (2020) - full transcript
In a sleepy town, one man, a wannabe horror film director is about to have his life and the world he knows change forever. Finally, he gets the big break he has been waiting a lifetime for, but its not Hollywood knocking on his door.
(dramatic music)
(ominous music)
(crowd applauds)
- And do we have a
peach of a day or not?
You know, it's my
goal to get more jobs
to the people of this
city than ever before.
Well, we have here the
executive of Freedom Foods,
and we have them
to thank for it,
so let's give them a
big round of applause.
(crowd applauds)
- [Crowd] USA, USA, USA, USA!
(playful music)
(munching)
(screaming) (snoring)
- [Man] Oh God, it's got teeth.
Oh my God, let me through.
(screams)
- I forgot how to get...
- Better run, everybody.
You can't stay, you can't stay.
One pass and I'm done.
I can't see. - I can you.
You're ascared of me.
(growling)
(gun fires)
- Oh, hello, Principal Johnson.
You just missed movie time.
(bell rings)
Oh. (kids cheering)
Alright, kids.
Have a great weekend.
I'll see you next week; one
more week of fifth grade.
Try not to act, uh, too upset.
- I just had to see for myself.
Congratulations, Sam?
This isn't exactly
school curriculum.
- It's the second to last
Friday of the school year.
I just thought I'd reward them
with something a
little more fun.
- What's Sam deserve
congratulating for?
- He finally got one of his
films into a big film festival.
- Oh!
Did he?
Oh, was it, Zombie
Space Vikings?
Zombie Prom Night?
- There's something
wrong with my face!
(screaming)
- Shirley no!
- Or was it, uh,
something with babies?
- Zombie Abortion Apocalypse.
- Zembryos attack!
Sweet revenge, sweet revenge!
- Oh, oh, yeah that one, yeah.
- You have to admire
his persistence.
- Dear, persistence can
be a sign of insanity.
- Hyyy-ya!
- Easy.
- That, boys and girls,
is our classic ninja
zombie kill move.
Well that's it for class today.
Parents, you should be proud
of these little ninjas.
- And remember, next
Tuesday is our home
invasion defense workshop.
- Yes parents,
it's good practice
for those of you who do not
want your kids kidnapped,
or raped, or raped
by kidnappers.
- Kidnapping can really
stunt a child's development.
- Hell yeah.
* I can't buy you dinner
- [Man] Popper, Popper!
- Hey, what the shit?
I'll just, I'll
just stay down here.
- [Woman] You're gonna
want to get up for this.
- Oh, I'm up.
- What can I help you with?
- Steve Popolopsis?
- My friends call me Popper.
What do they call you, baby?
Hot Pink?
- Oh you can call me
whatever you like, Popper,
but you've been served.
- Oh, shit.
- Been served what?
A sexy-gram?
Fuckin' bitch.
- I get that a bunch.
You have a nice day, Mr. Popper.
- Popper don't preach, bro,
she done filed for D.
(laughing)
- Shut up.
Shut up!
- [Felecia] Mr.
Pentergass, we thank you
for your short film submission,
Deadbeat Zombie Dad,
to the 2016 horror film fest.
We are sorry to inform
you Deadbeat Zombie Dad
did not make our final
lineup in the festival.
The truth is your movie
is a steaming pile
of shitnuggets, with
the production value
of a home video shot by a deaf,
blind amputee that is
drunk on cheap gin.
Please consider quitting
filmmaking altogether,
maybe concentrating on
digging ditches full time.
Hopefully you'll
perish in a fire
or contract genital herpes.
Warm regards, festival
director Felecia Fugate.
- Sweetie, how's
my little Scorsese?
- Uh, yeah, mom, just a second.
- Sweetheart, I want that letter
to put in your book.
- This is not a
good time, alright?
- Honey, all your
friends are here already.
You've gotta come out.
Now get your tail out
here, you're being rude!
(upbeat music)
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, congratulations.
- Yeah, thanks for coming.
- Course.
- Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.
- Hey, Horatio.
- Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!
Well, I guess a
congratulations is in order.
- Thank you.
- Sam, Sam.
It is not that I don't...
- 'Scuse me, bro.
- Hey, man.
- Guys look!
Stoner cam!
- Hey that's awesome, man.
That's really cool.
- It's great, it really was,
It's not that I don't
like Zombie Dad,
it's just that it is
lacking something.
It's just, it's
lacking something.
How would one say?
It is...
It is complete shit, Sam.
It is complete and utter shit.
Because you casted
amateurs, Sam.
Amateurs. - Oh, yeah.
- And I know that Ocean Spray
has his Megacuts commercial,
I know that.
I know that but I...
- Yeah it's a good commercial.
- It's a pretty good commercial,
I will say that.
But everybody else, Sam...
- I'll be thinking
about you when I
drop this deuce.
I've got a turtlehead saying
let me out, let me out.
Move, bitch.
- No, Tibo, I actually really...
- That was lovely,
Tibo, thank you.
- M-hmm.
- It is a wonder,
Mr. Pentergass...
- Yes.
- If you're even
talented at all.
- Great.
Thank you so much, Horatio.
Do you mind if I just
kinda have my party?
- I'm leaving now, Sam.
- Okay.
Thanks, thanks for coming.
Awesome, Sam.
How you gonna get
out of this one?
It's not like you can
say, whoops, sorry,
I didn't actually
read the letter.
(upbeat music)
- You're like a legit
filmmaker now, bro!
We should team up, you
know, make a movie,
like, what if like
two guys travel across
the country on their motorcycles
in search of America?
- Yeah, man, um...
I think that's already
might've already kinda
been done, but we can
do something else...
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Alright, I got another one.
I got another one.
- Okay, alright, yeah.
- Two guys.
- Okay.
- Wake up in the morning,
and their car is gone.
- Yeah.
Yup.
- What was up with that
cheer uniform today?
I saw you at the rally.
- Shut it down...
- You were looking
awfully cheerful.
- The new owners are making
that place my prison.
- Mmm.
- But I got paid
one hundred bucks
to put on the costume.
- Hiiya!
- Oh!
Alright, alright.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay.
- Hey, hey baby.
- Die, asshole.
- Oh, asshole, sass, I dig.
You like to party?
- You wanna play?
- Mmm, yeah I wanna play.
- You wouldn't get anywhere near
this unless I was dead, or dead.
You have poop on your shirt.
It's gross. - Hi, y'all!
I have some Freedom Cakes
fresh from the factory.
Eat 'em all up!
- I'm alright.
Thanks.
- Aw, they're good.
You have a good time!
- Thanks, Ms. Ecky.
- I think I'm going to vomit.
- Yeah, vomit.
- Sam, I, I had my
kids make you cards.
- Nice.
Thank you.
Oh. - Yeah, and this one's mine.
- Nice!
Bros.
- Fuck off!
- Hey, hey.
- Your hair looks like my
cousin's bleached asshole.
- Why you got so
much aggression?
Be so pretty.
Your cousin bleaches
her asshole?
Hey neighbor, you like
to party and get naked?
I eat butt.
And not just on Fridays.
- You see that Tiffany chick?
She's here.
- Tiffany?
- Yeah.
Dude, I think she's
in the kitchen.
- Yeah.
- She's really here?
- Yeah.
She's like an angel,
man, I'm telling you.
I talked to her for a minute.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- We're twins.
- Twins?
Really?
- Identical.
- Identical.
- Hey guys.
- Hey.
- Sammy finally has
a ticket out of here.
And a girl like Tiffany
only thinks about
one thing; getting out.
- What are we talking about?
- Tiffany Taylor.
She's blonde.
- Mm...
- I touched her hair over there.
- Oh...
- Oh man, did you tell
her that you were
going to do that?
- No I just went
by and I swiped it.
(upbeat music)
- Oh!
Peter Anthony!
- So your little
runt did it, huh?
- Yes he did.
And he's gotta go say something.
He can't just like, sit there.
You gotta go get him
to make a speech.
- I think this could
be a good thing
because he is such a
good public speaker.
- Honey, please!
Oh, don't you be nasty!
- Congratulations,
sis, I'm proud of you.
- I'm so proud.
I'm so proud!
Ah!
- Hey Spray, thanks
for coming, man.
- Sammy.
- Hey Uncle P.
- How you doin'?
- Good, man, yeah.
- There's a
mind-numbing fox walking
around this shindig.
Good work.
Normally you just have
a bunch of pot-faced
losers, but um, you've got
like have the town here.
- Yeah man, her name is Tiffany.
I was just getting
ready to go talk to her.
- No shit.
- Oh come on, man, she's
like half your age!
- Maybe some of you
devils just showed up
'cause you heard my boy
made a winning film.
Woo!
(crowd applauds)
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so,
I'm so so sorry, honey.
- No, it's alright, um...
- They didn't they don't know
he didn't have such
an easy way of it
when he was growing up.
Without his papa,
well, that lowdown, scumbag,
scoundrel, may he
rot in hell forever.
- Okay.
- But anyway!
I always told him,
I always told him,
what you think about,
what you believe,
you can make happen.
And he did!
He did.
Save me, honey.
Save your mama.
- Oh okay.
Alright.
- I'm just so proud of you.
- Thank you, mom.
Thank you, seriously,
thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
- Uh, um, well everybody, um,
you know how much I love
making movies, and uh,
so I want to thank you
all for being here.
Um, you know, but the thing
is guys, um, well
when I got the letter
in the mail, you know?
We did it!
We totally made it!
We're going to Hollywood!
Mom, we're going to Hollywood!
We're going!
(crowd applauds) We did it!
- [Crowd] Deadbeat Zombie Dad!
Deadbeat Zombie Dad!
Deadbeat Zombie Dad!
- Come here, sweetheart.
Listen, we're just going
to slide out of here
'cause we're already late
for our little girls' trip.
Now, we're going to
be back on Sunday
and you better be sure that
this whole place is cleaned up
by then, okay?
- Okay.
- Oh I love you, sweetheart!
I am so proud of you!
- I love you, mom.
Thank you.
Okay, alright.
- I love you so much.
Have a good time. - Thanks.
- Yeah!
- I'm so proud of you, dude.
- I know.
- You killed it.
I love you, man.
- Sam?
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey, I just wanted to
say again how amazing
I think you did today.
- Okay.
- Um.
- Yuhuh.
- And I always knew
you could do it.
- So yeah, no thank you.
So here's the thing...
- So congratulations!
- No I, thank you so much!
Thank you! - Thanks.
- Pam.
So hey, here's the thing.
- What?
- I did not get in.
I totally did not get in.
- What?
- No, absolutely not.
- Oh okay, I think
you've had a little
too much to drink.
- I have.
And that's fuckin'
great everybody.
So here's the thing.
You are great, and
I, I appreciate it,
so thank you.
Thank you guys!
And I'm gonna, I'm
goin' I don't know...
- Yeah!
You know what,
where we're going?
Hollywood!
- We are kings of the world!
- I'm gonna punch you
right in the dick.
- So, first of all,
you are great.
And you're very talented.
So I think that you should
come out to the premiere.
Quentin Tarantino, you
know Quentin Tarantino?
- Hey dude, look at
all this hot ass!
- Yeah I know.
- Look at all this hot ass!
- And so you need to know.
- To us.
- That you're pretty.
- To us.
- And you should
come to the show.
You can be in my next movie,
and that's really fucking great.
- We love you man.
- Dude, I love you.
- Dick punch.
Dick punch it.
- Sam?
* Just out, hanging around
- Sweetie?
How's my very own
little Clint Eastwood?
- Mr. Pentergass.
Your movie is a steaming
pile of shit-nuggets.
- No!
It was a mistake!
- Sam.
Sam!
Sam!
Sam! - Shit, what?
- Sam get your ass up.
Come on, we gotta
go, we gotta go.
- What, man?
What the fuck?
- Ninja painting, bro, man.
We gotta finish
colonel's house today
or we do not get paid.
Come on!
- Uh, shit.
- Fellas are already in the van.
Come on, let's go.
- Are you kidding me?
- The dojo is not going
to pay for itself.
- That's today, man?
- No it was last week.
What the fuck you think, man?
Come on get your ass up.
Come on, come on, man.
- Okay, okay, fuck it.
- Come on.
Your place is trashed.
You're lucky your
mom's not here, dude.
- Agh.
(laughing)
Dude, what the fuck, man?
- Here, here, here,
clean your face off
you got some shit on
your forehead. (laughs)
oh my God, that is bad.
- Aw shit, man!
Shit!
- Aw hell no, is that?
- This place is trashed.
You're lucky your
mom is not here.
- Noodles!
Good girl!
Aww, good girl.
Yes you eat that up!
- Oh hell naw.
- Oh!
- That's disgusting, man.
* I don't want her
- Come on, let's go!
- Dude!
You want to take a shit?
I've got a big yard.
Neighbors would love
that, sorry, sorry!
Come on, would you come on!
- I'm sorry!
(intense music)
- I'm sorry,
Sam-a-lamading-dong,
about last night but I
had to let off some steam.
- No problem, man.
You're already drinking?
- Well it's Saturday, so
I'm gonna get fucked up.
And then there's Janice,
bitch is divorcing me,
so I hope she gets
genital herpes
and poison ivy on her nipples
in the same afternoon.
Fuck it, I'm getting wrecked!
You're a fuckin' mad
man lying about getting
into the festival.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, you said we
were going to get
an apartment in L.A., asshole.
- Yeah, I was totally
gonna get laid by a girl.
- And I think you
should be with me
at the premiere and that's,
it's gonna be good
for everybody.
And wait no,
I don't even know...
- You charlatan!
- You know you are a dick.
And I don't, know...
- Rejection letter?
- You shouldn't read that
because here's the thing.
- No!
- No because I'm gonna go,
because I'm gonna because
I talked to his agent.
(laughing)
Shit.
- You know folks are
going to have a heyday
with that one, maestro.
But don't worry about us, Sam,
I never really
thought you got in.
- Thanks?
- You're welcome.
- I did!
Dumbass.
I mean, the head
smash in this last one
was the best one ever.
- Can you not hit
so many bumps, Tibo?
I know I'm five minutes younger
than you but shit,
learn to drive, man.
- Look man, that's what you
get for polluting your body.
I told you before, your
body is your temple.
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
- Oh my gosh, are you really
bringing that up right now?
The person who jerks
off to pregnancy videos?
Yeah, tell 'em, Tibo.
Tell everybody
Tibo your darkness,
your dark secrets of the
of the mom's birthing
and the babies coming
out of the vagina.
And he jerks off to that.
Argh, I need to stop.
- Dude, what?
- Listen, they're
not pregnancy videos,
they're birthing videos.
Pregnancy videos are nasty.
Birthing videos are
sexy and they're art.
- Whatever, your
temple's just wrong.
- Dude.
- I haven't even tried that.
- Oh it's good, you
should try it, man.
- Okay, okay, it
gets kind of hot,
but it shouldn't be hot.
- See, when you see
those thighs open wide
and that water break
and, and she's wet, yo.
- Ah!
Oh God!
(yelling)
- Ow.
- Is that a walker?
We almost had
grandma in the grill.
- What's wrong with her?
- She's old?
Mrs. Henry?
Mrs. Henry we are so
sorry, are you okay?
Mrs. Henry?
Hey, you alright?
Let's get you back
to your house okay?
Okay, here we go, there we go.
I love what you did
with your flowers.
(farting)
Oh, okay.
Okay, Mrs. Henry I'm
just gonna head back in,
you got it from
here, right, yeah?
Okay, okay, uh, you
should change your pants
- Did you hear that shit?
I mean, I'm gonna need
therapy after that,
or a birthing video.
- Guys can we please just go?
It's like a dutch oven in here.
- You know what, there
hasn't been a brother
like that in the state since,
and he gave him
the ol' dipsy-do.
- [Waitress] Hi, what
can I get for you?
- Just a root beer float.
- [Waitress] You got it.
- Hey, you're Pistol
Love's nephew aren't you?
- Yeah.
- Man, we were just
talking about him.
Hey listen, let me ask
you somethin', son.
What's this bullshit
lies we've been hearing
about you winning some
sort of award or something?
- Uh, yeah, it was more
of a misunderstanding.
I didn't win anything.
(sniffing)
- I smell bullshit boy, a
big ol' steaming pile of it!
- Tell 'em, daddy!
- Why don't you get
yourself a job and contribute
something to society.
- Yo, Spielberg!
Nice one, guy.
I heard you notched
up another rejection?
Going for a Guinness
world record?
- How did you guys
hear about this?
- I saw it on Instagram,
I saw it on Instagram,
Instagram, Instagram,
Instagram, son.
- [Sam] And now the young
have shown up to feed.
I'm like an Easter ham.
This town is going to be
chewing on my gristle for years.
- Well, if he's gone he's gone,
we still gotta paint.
And pick up two weeks
of dog shit 'cause
we're late again.
- Well I got good
news and good news;
Patton's gone and I'm divorced.
Let's paint.
(upbeat music)
Aw Jojo, you're killing me, man.
That ain't painting music,
we need some rock n' roll.
- Asian is good, too.
- Asian music?
- Zen, my brother.
- What happened to you?
Help me out
Sam-alam-a-ding-dong,
what kind of music do
you like to listen to?
Sammy?
You alright up there?
- Yeah, all good, man.
- Quit napping on
the job, bitch.
Who wants a beer?
- I'm good.
- Guys, something was
wrong with her eyes.
- Whose eyes?
- It wasn't her eyes
that were the problem,
it was her ass.
Popper?
- It was her ass.
- Sam.
Sam?
What are you looking at?
- I don't know, man.
Give me a second.
Uh, guys, we got
a problem up here.
- Yeah, we don't
have enough beer.
- Shit!
Go, go, go!
We've got a problem,
we've got a problem.
- Yo, yo, what the
fuck's the problem, man?
- The colonel, man,
he's fucked up!
Hide! - Be careful, man.
Slow down, man!
- Hey!
- Come on!
- What, is he
butt-naked or something?
- Sam!
- Shit!
Agh!
Ah, shit!
(yelling)
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!
- Go, go, go, Popper!
Go Popper!
- Shit!
Shit, shit, shit!
- Hey, watch out!
- Hey, what are you doing?
Wait, wait!
He's our only client!
- I know.
- What the fuck?
- Everybody move!
(yelling)
- Shit that wasn't even close!
What is that?
You had one shot!
- We'll be back once
you fix yo' shit.
And sorry about your chair.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
- No, Jojo, let's stick around,
maybe play a little Backgammon.
- Did you see his face?
Did you see that shit?
- He's possessed by a demon!
Probably that Asian curse.
- There ain't no Asian
curse, it's rabies,
and I ain't getting
18 shots in my abs.
- What the hell is that?
- Patton.
- Oh that's rabies.
- Well that's one dog
you're better than, Sam.
What the hell are you
going to do with that?
Cook him to death?
- You guys got
all the good shit.
I'm trying my best.
- Shut up, guys.
Alright we're gonna make
a run for it, alright?
We're gonna get to the van,
we're gonna lock the doors,
we're gonna get the
fuck off this street.
- Alright, let's do it.
- Jojo, the ladle, man,
you look ridiculous.
(glass breaking)
- My bad.
- Time to go, boys.
- Come on!
Let's go, go, go, go, go!
- Stupid ass.
- Who's got the keys?
- Me, me, me, me!
- Go, come on, come on, come on!
Popper come on!
Get the door, get it!
- Get the keys!
Let's go!
Put they keys in
there, come on, man!
Go, go, go!
Would you just please go?
Tibo!
Go!
- Shit, man.
- Oh fuck.
- We need to call the police.
- What?
- We need to call the police.
- We are two months
behind on our dojo rent,
he's our only client.
- Okay, at the very
least we have to contact
the Humane Society
and report this.
- You might as well
report Sam too.
Hey, he's the one
feeding Noodles vomit
pudding on the floor.
- You guys don't
even fuckin' care.
- Sam.
- What?
- Your place.
- What the hell?
- Hey guys!
- Pam!
Uh, what are you doing here?
Guys.
- What?
I ain't saying nothin'.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, uh, I knocked
and the door was open,
and I came in and saw
the place and, well.
It was not big deal.
- Thank you.
- No big deal?
There was vomit
like, everywhere.
- There was?
- [Announcer] We interrupt
your regular programing.
- Holy crap!
- [Announcer] This is the
emergency broadcast system.
This is not a test.
Repeat, this is not a test.
State and local
authorities have issued
a countywide warning. - Sam.
- [Announcer] Stay indoors,
lock all doors and windows.
- Holy shit.
- The authorities will
be issuing further
instructions through the
emergency broadcast system.
- Sam, is that your mailman
chasing Mrs. Henry's dog?
(dramatic music)
- Mom, please, please stop.
Mom please!
- There is something seriously
wrong, your mom is whack.
(moaning)
(bright music)
* Moments are such
fleeting things *
* It's strange though
* What rapture one brings
- Sam?
Sam, Sam!
What the hell are
you doing, man?
This is not a fucking movie!
Come on, let's go!
- Man we are not going to
survive without this weaponry.
We need some damn guns.
- I don't have any
guns, I have a camera.
- Who gives a damn?
- How are we the
only people in Texas
that don't own guns?
- Let's go to my uncle's!
- [Together] Pistol's.
- [DJ] Alright, let's
take a phone call here.
Good morning, you're
live on the air
with Morning Fiasco.
There's nobody there.
There's nobody there.
Uh, guys?
(yelling)
(sirens blaring)
- Looks like we've got company.
Ready to whoop some
ass, little brother?
- Yeah.
- (laughs) Let's go.
- Wait!
Yeah, they're just
regulars, man.
- Let's whoop their ass anyway.
- Pistol.
You here?
Uncle P!
Pistol?
Pistol!
- What the hell is
going on here, huh?
Somebody better
start talking, quick.
- You want the short
or the long version?
- Short.
Very short.
- Alright, so the town
has been overrun...
- Corsicana has been overrun
by bloodythirsty,
crazed zombies.
They may be rabid.
Either way it's very bad.
We came to you for guns.
- Hey, any of these work?
- Does a pig shit turds, huh?
- Mhm.
- What kind of idiots
gonna keep working
pistols in a roadhouse bar?
- None of these work?
- Did somebody say Pistol?
- Mr. Love strikes again.
Now what're we going to do?
- Are you kidding me?
- Shit happens, Sam, I'm
sorry about that, okay?
Now the rest of you
idiots, outta here,
the joke's over, go home.
- We're being serious.
(banging)
- Somebody open it.
- No, don't get
it, don't get it!
Ibo, do not get that door.
- Who is it?
- It's Virginia, Dani...
- It's Virginia, Dani?
- And Horatio!
- And Horatio.
- Horatio?
Leave him out there.
- What?
Open the door.
(yelling)
- What the hell is
wrong with you people?
- We got shot at.
What the hell is happenin'?
- They have got the
entire town blocked off.
- I got it on my phone.
- There were bodies
right in the middle
of the street.
- Oh Goddamn, oh shit!
Fuck me.
- Oh my God.
I am calling my dad.
- Can we have some guns?
- How is it that no one
understands the guns
are for decoration?
- Pistol, we're pretty hungry.
You got anything to eat?
- Beer nuts, chips.
- Sweet.
- Sam, no more lies.
- Pistol, this is not a joke.
Something is
seriously wrong here.
- What am I doing
here with you people?
Pistol, take me home.
- It's like two for one night
at the sizzler out there.
We need guns like, pronto.
- And ammo.
- And beer.
- Ammo.
- [Both] Jerky.
(speaks in foreign language)
(speaks in foreign language)
- Why exactly are we not sending
in the military to
address this tragedy?
- Look, if these people
want to kill themselves,
let them go at it.
Where I'm from, we call
that trimming the herd.
- Trimming, trimming the herd!
- Now this is a
perfect example of us
not taking care of our citizens.
- Citizens?
Who said they were citizens?
- No, no, no, no!
- Who the hell are you to
judge who is an American?
- They would not be
running wild in the street.
- The people of the Southern
States are as American
as the rest of us.
If you were in this
room I would bitch-slap
you right now.
(intense music) - Stay together.
* It
* Ain't real
- Man, this sucks.
I had plans.
- What?
- I was gonna finish
my associates degree.
- Uh oh, look up here.
Hey, hey, Sam, check it out.
- Alright, get it.
Nice!
- Yeah, yeah!
What?
- You gotta hit him.
- For real?
- It's a zombie, hit it.
- That ain't right.
(yelling)
- Get it!
- Oh my God!
- Holy shit!
Yes!
* I'm losing myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
- Alright come on, let's go.
- [Reporter] This just in:
the White House released
drone footage of the
chaos in Corsicana.
I warn you these
images are horrific.
The rioters are attacking
innocent people in their cars.
- The town is right next to
the Mexican border, no wall,
they're coming in, these
damn illegal aliens
take over the town.
(speaks in foreign language)
- Did you see the footage?
What are you going to do?
Tell me; what are
you going to do
when they come in and they
beat down your door, hm?
Oh I'm gonna give 'em a hug.
No, I'll tell you what you want;
you want to get
a gun, a big gun.
That's right a gun, so that
you can protect your family
before they steal your
dog and your daughter.
- Alright, guys, go over there.
(howling)
- I love this fuckin' country!
- Horatio get out of my frame.
- No, no, no, no, see, I
am making my own movie.
- Seriously, really dude?
- Really, really,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm doing one about a
shitty filmmaker making
a horror film and trying
to use real zombies
to make his film,
that's what I'm doing.
- You really think
someone would watch that?
- Jojo!
- Keep your voice down.
- Beer!
- Sh, don't, don't!
- Yes.
- Don't move.
- Yes.
- Don't!
(laughing)
(intense music)
(gun firing) - Get out of here.
- Fucking A!
- Weapons work better
with ammunition.
* It's making me sad now
* A little sad, yeah, yeah
* Gets me, memory
- What's going on?
- Seems like everyone
thinks the bar
is the best place to be
when all hell breaks loose.
- We're gonna be lucky
if we even make it out
of this town alive.
- Jojo, you gotta
stop looking at me
while I'm taking a piss.
- I, I'm not, what
are you talking about?
- And it doesn't matter anyway,
wasn't that always the
case, I mean come on, man.
How come my movies
never go anywhere?
- Because they suck?
Except for your hair,
and your acting.
- Tibo my movies do not suck.
I don't have
production value, man.
I've never had production value.
- So you're going to
film us while we get
attacked by zombies.
- No.
(farting)
I have an idea.
(crowd applauds)
- Alright, y'all, we're
gonna take a break,
we'll be back in just a few.
- Hello, hey, Popper here,
I've probably changed your oil,
I know I've changed your oil.
Or fixed something on your car
or your bicycles.
Hey, there's one man
here tonight who saw
the shit comin' before anybody.
Like, like Nostradamus
or something.
He said the shit was
gonna hit the fan,
the zombies, the undead,
and said zombie apocalypse,
before anybody else
knew what was happening.
He's my main man, my
best friend, Sammy P.
- Oh for fuck's sake!
His movie didn't even make
it into the damn festival!
- Yeah, no shit, dumbass.
And we all know that now.
But it's okay, you know why?
Hit 'em, Jojo.
- Sam has an idea.
- That's right, Jojo.
Ladies and gentleman,
our zombie maestro
of ceremonies, Sammy P!
(crowd claps)
- Thank you, Popper.
- You're welcome.
- Well, um, so I've
been thinking, um,
we're in crisis.
The world out there
is upside down;
brother eating brother.
And you know, we can sit
here and we can drink
and party 'till
the bitter end, or,
we could unite for
a common cause.
We can show the world
that we are one people,
that we are survivors, that
we can beat unbeatable odds!
And how do we show the world?
I will document it!
This town, yeah it
might be dried up,
we're sitting on
an oilfield here,
this is our goldmine!
We can make a movie as one,
and we will triumph!
- Okay, so what's the movie?
- Have you ever heard
the phrase found footage?
- Have you heard the term
DOA, dead on arrival.
Have you?
You jackasses, go make
your homemade movie,
I'm gonna sit right
here and drink my beer.
- Come on, Bird Dog.
We finally have a chance to
make something of ourselves.
- Oh shut up!
You're drunk!
(crowd booing) - Come on.
- Hey, get off the stage!
(intense rock music)
- Listen, listen, big Jim.
There are many, many,
many bonuses to the film
and entertainment industry.
- Like what?
- Number one, poontang.
Number two De Niro,
or money as we call it
in the States. - Sure.
- So, pussy and money.
So think about it, think
about it like this okay,
like, you ever like
work really hard to get
into a chick's pants,
like you really want it,
and you spend a lot
of money and time,
you're not going to
get any of that money
or time back, but you
get the experience,
even if she's not very good
you get the experience.
Look, man, look, you are
getting in on the ground
level of so much
production value.
You never get this; real fucking
zombies here in Corsicana.
So, but if you are in
now you first money out.
- I can't leave here, though.
- You can't leave, you
don't have to leave here!
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- You don't know what
I'm talking about?
- No I don't.
- Do you like pussy?
- Yes.
- Do you like money?
- Yes.
- Then you're in.
(crowd applauds)
* Oh when I dreamed that
you called my name *
* Oh when I dreamed that
you called my name *
- Oh, shit.
Who is that?
Hey let me get out of here
before you wreck this place.
Oh, dude!
You're gonna wake up
the dead with that!
Quit fuckin' around, Pistol.
(yelling)
* Hear bells and
who's to blame *
(yelling)
* Are calling my name
- Pistol!
Pistol, you've got to see this!
Pistol!
- Oh my God, get off
my man, you slut!
- Shut your pie hole, bitch.
- Oh he got me!
He got me!
(yelling)
- Run!
- Get out of my way!
Get out of my way!
- Oh my God, he neutered him!
- I think I wet myself,
I pissed myself.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Where are we going?
Where are we going?
- We're going to Pam's school!
- Why?
- Because the windows have bars!
- Go, go!
Just get in your truck!
- Hey kids, there's a
new sheriff in town.
All your worries will
wash away with one bite
of these delicious chocolatey,
cream filled Freedom Cakes.
Your parents keeping you down?
Do they keep making you eat
food not fit to feed an ostrich?
Blech!
Don't worry, Freedom
Cakes are here!
This is America,
where we get to eat
what we want, it's
your God given right!
Coming to a store
near you on July 4th.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Really like your
handiwork back there.
You guys have any film
production experience?
- No, boss, but as you
can see we're productive.
- Yeah, yeah you are.
Better that way
anyway, film production
experience will make you jaded.
You guys want to make a movie?
- Why the hell are we here?
- Ladies and gentleman,
this is our destiny.
We have a movie
lot, right there.
We have hair, we have make up,
we have set... - Ahmm.
- Yes?
- Um, are you suggesting
that we use real zombies?
- Real, real zombies.
Yes.
We are going to make the
first ever zombie film
using real zombies.
- What?
- Sam, you know I'll do
anything for a movie,
kind of known for being
a team player, but uh,
isn't this a little dangerous?
- Yes.
Yeah, right?
Working with zombies
could be misconstrued
as not a good idea.
- Fair enough.
- We're not going to
use dangerous ones.
- What kind of zombies
are you planning on using?
- Safe ones.
Safer.
- Safe zombies.
- The only safe zombie
is a dead zombie.
- Got that straight, son.
- [Both] Hah!
- The name of our movie.
You guys ready?
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Come on, are you guys ready?
- Yeah!
- Yes!
Alright!
Fat
Ass
Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies.
- Wilson, come on,
that's even worse
than Deadbeat Zombie Dad.
- It's amazing, and it's
perfect for the film
that we are going to make.
- Fat Ass Zombies,
I love it, bro!
- Alright, so we're
in school, right?
How about a quiz?
- Oh, oh, me, pick me!
- You guys want a quiz?
Come on, come on,
alright here we go.
What does this town
not have a shortage of?
- Ooh oh oh!
- Who's got it?
Alright, Wilson!
- [Together] Zombies!
- You're right,
head of the class.
Before the zombies.
- Ooh oh oh!
- Popper!
- Stupid people!
- Also true, yup,
lot of stupid people.
- I think I had third grade
English in this class.
I'll always remember
because this was the site
of my first erection.
- What else?
- Oh!
I got it, I got it,
I got it, I got it!
- Give it one more shot.
- Stupid people with no jobs!
- Okay, that's true.
We're kind of staying on that.
Think bigger guys, think bigger.
- Sam!
- Stupid people with
no jobs and no money!
- Fat people!
- Woah!
- Fatties!
Big ol' fat, fat,
fat, fatties, guys!
- Damn straight!
- We have five
Chinese buffts for a
town of 20,000 people.
That's is a lot of tub.
All of your parents
are very, very fat.
And that, ladies and gentleman,
is what we are going to use.
The fat, the slow.
What is the name of our movie?
- [Together] Fat Ass Zombies!
- Yes!
Come on!
- [Together] Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
- Magic!
(upbeat music)
- Blue team!
You guys are operation
Capture Fat and Safe Zombies.
Remember, anything fat, slow,
doesn't move fast and
it's easy to kill.
Yellow team, you guys
are weapons and gear.
Somehow nobody thought to grab
it when we left Pete's place.
So, get us weapons,
hatchets, shovels, bats,
chainsaws, ladles, I don't care,
anything is better
than what we have,
just remember it's
lame to shoot zombies.
Get us something fun
to kill zombies with.
(grunting)
Red team, you guys are
operation Munchies;
we need food and drink!
The school shut down the
lunch program, right, Pam?
Ugh, where do our taxes go?
Get us food, guys.
Green team, you guys are
with me here at basecamp
starting preproduction.
Let's make movie
magic here people,
rendezvous here no
later than 13:00.
Let's move!
- Si, maestro!
- Come on!
(speaks in foreign language)
(bright music)
* Chest
* Nuts
* Feed it to him
- Put craft here
right on that table,
and get all the weapons out
and on those shelves, alright?
- Okay.
- Oh I am getting
the ice cream, bros!
- Okay, okay, uh, might
I suggest getting items
with more sustenance.
- Nope!
- God, this is so stupid.
(yelling)
Oh, I love berries, I really do.
Oh Jesus Christ, ah!
Oh my God!
Okay, time to go!
Time to go!
- Drive, drive, drive,
come on, come on!
- It's a child.
- What?
- Who brought the baby?
- Baby?
- Oh dear God!
- What?
What?
(yelling)
- What do I do, what
do I do, what do I do?
- Um, get rid of
it, get rid of it!
- Okay, okay, okay!
(baby cooing)
- Don't look back
guys, don't look back.
- Sam?
- Hey!
- Sam, God!
There you are. - Fresh markers!
Pam, this is amazing,
the ideas are flying out
of my head, this is it!
- I'm so excited for you!
- I know, right?
- Okay wait, I've been thinking,
I don't want anyone to get hurt
and we don't know what's
going on out there so...
- Pam, I know what's
going on out there.
This town's been
one heatwave away
from destroying
itself for years.
- Yeah, yeah, I
know, it's just...
I just wanna make sure no
one's gonna get hurt, you know?
- We're gonna sneak around,
we're gonna watch chompers
chasing people, that's it!
- Okay.
- I wonder if the
sheriff's turned.
I gotta go.
I gotta go!
So, you tell me
we've got no weapons,
a very meager craft services,
and for a zombie, you
got me a fifth grader
in a retainer.
(yelling)
- We're making a movie!
Let's review the following;
I'm not gonna change the
way I look or the way
I feel to conform to anything,
I've always been a freak.
Okay, yeah, I've
never liked it either.
Okay, moving on.
Another one from another
John, a real 'Merican,
courage is being scared to
death but saddling up anyway.
And finally, screw
it, let's do it, yes!
Sir Richard Branson, yes!
- Are you freakin' kidding me?
This is what you've been doing
while we've been out there
risking our necks, huh?
- Yeah, it's what
I've been doing, and,
you know, getting art department
and a script together.
You can't have a movie
without a script.
- Yeah, and we can't
live without food, huh.
I should have been
on the red team.
- Hey, man!
We have like, enough gummy
bears to last a month!
Jeez, here!
- I'm not worried
about the food,
I'm worried about
being their food.
They're fast.
- Anything's faster
than you, brother,
the way you keep
smoking that shit.
- Don't hate, man!
- Woah, woah, guys!
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Woah, guys, seriously!
Come on, guys!
- Mr. Pentergass, report
to the principal's office,
once you stop dicking around.
So, Mr. Pentergass,
what do you have to
say for yourself?
- I'm sorry sir, I didn't
think using the school
would be a big deal,
it's been abandoned,
- Mr. Pentergass,
I've heard it once,
I've heard it a thousand times.
Spare me.
Pentergass, this calls
for greater action.
This calls for something
way more sizable
in my response.
This calls for Priscilla.
'Scuse me, sir?
- Priscilla!
Meet Priscilla, Mr. Pentergass!
- Mr. Johnson you
have a big gun, sir,
- Shall we make a zombie film?
(laughing)
(grunting)
- Hit me here.
Yo, hit me here, hit me here.
- Hey!
Listen up!
- Thank you, Pam.
- You're welcome.
- Alright, this is
where it all begins.
This is where they discover
something's not quite right.
They see some folks on the
side of the road, they're hurt,
or are they?
Let's make a movie! - Yeah!
- Let's make a movie!
- Jose, Eldad, crafty.
(speaks in foreign language)
- Hey, now which direction
are we shooting in again?
- We're gonna shoot all
the way down the road,
so make sure it's
clear down there.
- Alright, you got it,
partner, let's do this!
- Next, maestro?
(speaks in foreign language)
- Quiet on set!
- Sound speed.
- Speed.
- Roll camera.
- Rolling, rolling.
- You guys ready for awesome?
- Yeah.
- Release the zombies!
- Go, go, go!
- Ey, ey, c'mon, zombies, go!
- Go, go, go, zombies, go!
- C'mon!
(speaks in foreign language)
Come on you little shit, go!
Go, go, go!
- Come on zombies, go!
- Pistol?
Release the zombies!
- They won't go!
- Pistol, they ain't
like cattle or horses,
I don't know how to do this!
- Just get back there
and give 'em a hand!
- Sam, I'm trying!
You wanna come do this?
- Dani, hit them in the ribcage!
- Alright, I'm tryin'!
- C'mon, blood,
blood over there!
Blood!
- Alright you guys,
brace yourselves,
here we go.
- Zombies el prontos, pronto!
- Go get that
blonde girl, c'mon!
(dramatic music)
- What the fuck was that?
- Oh, shit.
- C'mon, zombies, go!
Go for that blonde girl!
- She's handicap.
- She okay?
- Course she's not okay,
she's a damn zombie!
- No I know, but is
she gonna get back
in the wheelchair?
- She ain't going anywhere,
she's crippled, Sam.
- Already down a
zombie and we haven't
even got the first
shot off, bro!
- Dammit.
Dani, I said slow zombies
not completely paralyzed!
- I know, I guess we just
got all the defective ones!
- Okay, they're out!
Quiet on set.
Action!
(yelling)
- Yeah?
Yeah?
- Let's tone it down a bit.
Just a smidgen, sweetheart.
Yeah, you're going
to scare the zombies.
- Come on, guys!
Just start running, let's go!
- Hey, let's just shoot some
tights and fix it in post.
- We're not gonna fix
shit in post, Popper,
you just gotta get the shot.
- Okay.
- Tiffany, look scared!
- She's too hot to look scared.
- Come on, guys,
just start running!
- Okay, now when you're
running, really exaggerate.
- Alright look, you're scared,
the zombies are coming, they're
gonna rip your face off!
You gotta run to the car, c'mon!
- You look stupid!
- Tiffany, stay in
character, c'mon.
- Whatever happened
to less is more, huh?
- Okay, let's go.
C'mon, c'mon, woman!
- I don't want to!
(yelling)
Go, go!
- I'm trying!
- Go, go!
- Cut!
Beautiful!
Yeah, alright!
Very good.
- Hey, Sam, man.
What's the plan on
getting them back in?
- Oh, shit.
Uh, that's a good question.
- Oh...
Alright, time to go,
people, let's go!
- I should get some of this!
- Move, move!
- Move, move, move, move!
- Pistol, get the zombies!
- I'm gettin' this,
I'm gettin' this!
- How are we with these idiots?
- This is crazy.
- Carl, Carl, come on!
Dude, what's wrong
with your eyes?
- You're fucked up, man.
You went too far,
now you're gonna pay.
- [Reporter] This
is a special report.
Why, America, why?
Our investigative
team is on the hunt
for the cause of the
chaos in Corsicana.
- I frequently,
we, support a lot
of charitable organizations.
Locally and nationally,
internationally.
- So me and my son and my
grandson, Bubba and Bubba Jr.,
we drink a 30-pack together.
And that night I
have this idea; hey,
what if we got liberals
to send us money?
- It's the Worldwide
Redneck Fund,
and it allows people like
us to adopt a redneck.
- You know, it's like adopt
a kid over there in Africa,
you know, them
little black kids,
you can feed one for 10 cents.
- Occasionally he
would ask for cash.
- You know, we got certain
rights, and that's a right
to worship God, a right
to carry my gun...
- And I thought we
were making progress.
He said to me once,
I'm considering
about going gluten
free for a week.
- And I don't know what the
other ones are, the other ones
don't even matter.
- The latest gun that he bought,
he didn't name it.
- Oh, Ethyl?
This is my AR10.
- What's happening in Texas
is certainly distressing
and we're all concerned.
- We got a silencer
or suppressor on it.
- What I think my wife
is trying to say is...
- Please don't tell me what
I'm trying to say, thank you,
I know what I'm trying to say.
- The more money we have
the more bullets we can get.
- I sent 400
recycling containers.
- The more stuff we can shoot.
- You sent four hundred
recycling bins to Bubba?
- There's a lot of things
wrong with this country.
- I thought Bubba was
a place in Ethiopia.
- There ain't no
daddies anymore.
- Do they even recycle in Texas?
- Killed a lot of hogs.
- I sent him kombucha.
- Money started pourin' in, man.
- The poems of Maya Angelou.
- Let freedom ring!
- You know I could use a
little kombucha right now.
- Okay, guys, I
know we're tired,
I know it took us a
while to get here,
I know we're down to our
last two bags of chips,
but listen, we got
great stuff back there,
and yeah, we had to
strike fast and we left
some stuff behind, and
Carl's probably dead,
but what is the classic
location for a zombie movie?
- Corsicana, Texas.
- Yes, more local though.
- Cemetery?
- No.
- Hospital.
- No.
- Black hole?
- Okay, that's above our budget.
- Oh!
Ninja dojo!
- That's very gratuitous.
- Submarine.
- A theater!
An abandoned theater!
With concessions.
- They got beer?
- Guys, we're
hungry, I'm starving.
Let's kill two birds
with one stone,
or one shot!
Huh? - Really?
- Okay, come on, let's go.
(dramatic music)
Action!
- Sam!
Listen, why are
you filming this?
- Stay in character.
- I would love to, but I do
not know what I am playing.
- Fellatio, just go with it,
you're screwing up the scene.
- Alright guys, we've
got to do this again.
Please, stop breaking
the fourth wall.
- Negative, this is a
search and destroy mission,
there's only one way; forward!
- Follow the man with the gun.
(soft music)
- Nut up, ya pansies,
I'm covering the rear.
- Yes captain, my captain.
- Guys, stay together, we've
got to make sure it's clear.
- Hey, Fellatio!
- Holy shit, ah!
Okay.
(laughs)
Look at that.
- There's a concessions.
Okay, Popper, take this.
- Yup.
- Okay, Tibo, Jojo, try
to sneak around, right?
You gotta get back there
but there are zombies,
so try to get as close
as you can to them, okay?
Alright, alright, are you ready?
(growling) - Ah, shit!
(yelling)
Shit, shit!
Help, she's gonna bite me!
- Okay, I got you, I got you!
- I'm acting.
- Shit!
(yelling)
Shit!
You gotta get her!
She's gonna bite
me, I'm serious!
What are you doing?
Get the shot!
- Okay, okay!
- Oh my God, oh God!
- I'm getting the shot!
- She's gonna kill me!
No I'm actually serious!
Did you get the shot?
- I don't know, I
was really confused.
- Yeah.
- Let's go, men!
We are in hostile territory!
- Oh shit.
Get up, get up, get up!
- Come on, come on!
- that's a negative,
Horatio, time to go, come on!
- I cut this guy's head off!
This is my moment.
- Hey, hey!
- What?
- I think it's Carl.
It's Carl, man!
- Wait, wait.
- Get the, get the
camera, get the camera!
- I don't think he notices us.
I got it, man!
I got it!
- Good job!
- Thanks, Carl!
- We miss you, bro!
- To be, or not to be,
that is the question.
- Go, go, oh shit!
Shit!
Fuck!
- Go, go, go, go!
- Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!
- Grab the door, hold
it, hold it, hold it!
- This way, troops!
- Oh man, oh!
He's been bit!
What are we going to do?
- I'm leaving, let's go.
(yelling)
- [Sam] Horatio, you're
going to be alright,
we're going to get you help.
- Oh give it a rest, Sam,
you know the script.
God that hurts!
That hurts!
- Can you actually
feel it coursing
through your veins?
- Uh, Sam, you
should see this, bro.
- Sam, Sam, listen to me!
- Now is not a good time,
not a good time, you guys!
- Sam!
- What?
What, fine!
What, what do you want?
- Come here, Sam.
- No.
- Sam, listen.
For fucks sake, I'm not
going to bite you, Sam,
just come here.
- Okay.
- God!
- Sam, no.
- Hey, I'll be alright.
I'll be alright.
Here.
- Mhm.
It's your life.
- Sam, Sam, Sam, listen to me,
I want to tell you something.
I want to ask you
something, rather.
Look at me.
- Okay.
- Do you know how
much your films suck?
They are horrible, Sam.
- Okay.
- Stop it, Sam!
Look at me, look at me!
- Okay, Horatio!
I'm looking at you.
- They are horrendous, Sam!
You are a talentless
sack of shit, but this,
this is something truly genius.
Sam.
This could be something
really special.
- Okay.
- You need a good zombie
transformation scene.
Voila!
Just make sure that you get it.
Don't fuck it up!
- Okay!
- Promise me.
- Okay, I promise.
- Okay, we should
get to filming,
I'm really starting
not to feel good.
(yelling)
Ooh the anger!
- Okay.
- Okay, just um,
turn it on Popper,
turn on the camera, turn it on.
- I'm rolling, I'm rolling.
- Okay, everyone
settle, alright?
Quiet on the set.
Ready?
- Yeah.
- Sam, this isn't right.
We should be finding him help.
- Pam, I'm about to
shoot the most important
scene of my life, and his life,
which is just about over.
So just let me freakin' do this.
- Sam, this isn't okay!
- Alright, Tiffany.
You're up. - No, no, no!
I'm not going near him!
- You are in the scene!
- I don't care!
No!
Dani will do it,
Dani will do it!
- No!
- Fine.
Dani, you're in.
Come on!
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
Right here, right here.
- Let's go, people, I am
actually dying over here.
- Come on, c'mon buddy, c'mon!
Turn around, face
to camera, alright.
Popper, here we go.
This is the shot!
- I got the shot.
- Okay.
Okay, this is the scene,
you found your best friend,
he's been bitten.
- Are you ready Ocean Spray?
- Yeah.
- Okay, action!
- I always knew that this town
was going to be the death of me!
All of these fat asses,
taking up all the space.
With their oversized derrieres
and their abundant bottoms
and their kingsize rumps!
Run!
Run. (farting)
You can still get out,
unless you let the
ones like me go.
Shoot me!
- Spray!
Say the line.
Come on, say your line, man!
- Shoot me!
Shoot me, shoot me.
You skinny little shit!
Before I eat your little
slut of a girlfriend!
I'm coming, I'm coming!
I'm com, ah!
- Ocean!
- This is fucked up.
Is he supposed to do that?
- Dude, that's
not in the script!
- He's a zombie!
- Man, fuck this shit!
These are our
friends, you shoot it!
- Fine!
Eldad!
- Maestro!
- Sam, what are you doing?
- This is great.
- These are your friends!
- And I will tell their story!
(yelling)
(gun firing)
- Dammit!
Dammit, who did that?
I did not say cut!
- Sorry, Sam, I can't let
Horatio go out like that.
- (speaks in foreign
language) brother.
- Have you lost your mind?
This is sick!
- I have this under control.
- Under control?
- What is happening?
I thought he had to get bit!
Did anyone see him get bit?
- Have we all lost our minds?
- Did anyone see anything
unusual with Ocean?
- He had the serious cause
of the munchies, guys.
He ate like five
of these bitches!
- Shit, it's the Freedom Cakes!
(yelling)
- Oh my God, I
baked those things.
Does that mean I'm
going to turn into one?
How do I look?
- Stay away from me!
Those are gross!
- We bake to box at least
50,000 of those a day!
We just shipped a
shit ton of them out.
- Where?
- Nationwide!
- Oh my God, we're
all gonna die!
- We've got incoming, people.
Let's go, let's go,
into the theater!
- What about Horatio?
- There's nothing we
can do for him now.
Let's go, come on!
- Ocean!
- Come on Jessie, we have to go!
We have to go, Jessie, come on!
- Are you guys insane?
We are going to
finish this film,
we are going to be famous!
Get back in here!
Come on!
Oh, do it for Horatio!
(intense music)
- Come on, shh, shh.
Come on, lock the door.
- Okay, okay, I got it.
- Popper!
I'm sorry, alright?
I lost my head, man.
We gotta go!
What the?
- Sam, stay in character.
You gotta stay in
character, Sam.
- A dolly shot?
Okay.
- Why am I not a zombie?
- Popper!
- Hey.
- Popper, holy shit,
we gotta get out of here, man.
- Dude, look at this.
- Woah.
- Zombie hotties!
We gotta get this shot!
Yeah, you wanna
stream this movie?
Dudes are gonna look,
they're gonna see
no titties, sausagefest,
they go right through it.
- Yeah.
- Oh!
- I don't have the camera.
- What?
- Dude, we just got
to get out of here!
- Catch up to ya.
- Been saving this
for a long time.
I call it El Morte.
It's inside here.
Yeah.
- El Morte?
- El Morte.
- Dude, that wouldn't even
get a fifth grader high.
- Oh!
Famous last words, man.
Ready?
- Yeah.
(yelling)
- Oh, the Freedom Cakes.
Oh wait, the Freedom Cakes.
The, the, I'm not a zombie!
Oh my God, I'm not a zombie.
I am not, I am not a zombie.
- What's your name?
(yelling)
- And now we have exclusive
footage for you from Corsicana,
and the carnage that
is happening there.
People are rioting, screaming,
you'll notice fires
in the streets.
People appear to be in
nothing but survival mode,
using just their wits
and their surroundings
to survive what can only
understandably be viewed
as the apocalypse.
- These people are so blasted!
- Why aren't your lips moving?
- Isn't that your sister?
- Are my eyes still there?
- We're in Texas.
- Come on, come on, come on.
Yeah get back, come on, come on.
(horns honking)
(wind howling)
- [Sam] But look at them all.
These are my people.
They all want me, finally,
this whole town wants
me, they need me.
You can do this, Sam,
your day has come!
(farting)
- Hey!
I'm all out of bullets,
I'm going hand to hand!
- What are we going to do?
- Why don't we just
film ourselves dying?
- That's a great idea, buddy.
- Alright, I'm going
to draw them away.
I'm going that way, you guys.
Get o the streets, try
to get out of town.
- Sam, no, you don't
have to do this!
- Pam, I'm so sorry.
This is my fault.
Thank you, thank you for
always believing in me.
- Sam, Sam, no, you
don't have to do this.
- I love you.
- Sam!
(yelling)
Sam, Sam, no! - Come on!
Come on!
Let's go!
Come on!
- Go get 'em, Sammy!
- Really?
Why does anyone ever
listen to that guy?
- Come on!
Let's go, come on, here!
Come on!
Here we go, come on!
This way, come on, come on.
I'm delicious, I'm tasty,
come on right over here!
Take a bite of me!
Yeah, yeah alright, yeah
you want some of this!
Yeah!
Muscle, a little bit
of fat for ya, yeah!
I'm a tasty man!
Right here, right here, yeah!
Look at these meaty thighs!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
come on, let's go!
(yelling)
Well, shit.
Yeah, I'm a dead man.
Great idea, Samuel.
Look at this, that kid is
eating his mom's kneecap!
I have never seen
that, oh my God,
I don't even know what
that guy's eating.
What the hell?
Dammit.
Zombie rain?
Figures, now the heavens are
raining production value.
Man, this hurts!
Man, this movie was
going to be beautiful.
Feels good to
finally nail my part.
Eldad?
Nice shot, Eldad.
(speaks in foreign language)
- Sam, Sam!
Sam, you're gonna be okay,
we're gonna get you help.
- I'm sorry, guys, I'm
a shitty filmmaker.
- Yeah, yeah you are.
- What the hell is this?
(yelling)
- We're gonna get you
help, little buddy.
C'mon.
- Come on, come on, come on!
Go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- [Tiffany] Hurry,
he's losing blood.
- Come on now, guys.
Hold up, wait on me!
I got a bad knee!
You sons of bitches!
I saved your lives
about 12 times tonight!
C'mon now!
(laughing)
- [Sam] I always knew this
town would be the death of me.
- What's this?
A red carpet premiere
into the great beyond?
Nope.
Turns out getting
bit just hurts,
it doesn't actually
turn you into one.
When the world goes to
shit, it's a gift I say.
What I needed was just
a little chaos to get
my shot, and it happened,
they gave it to me.
I got money, honey
wagons, respect,
20 something interns
happy as hell to get me
some shitty coffee drink.
I don't even like coffee,
I get one every 20 minutes!
God it feels good!
- I am beyond excited!
- Well I play myself,
so that's fun.
- Jojo!
- And that's where I get
to meet my leading man.
(yelling)
- It's the best day of my life,
thank you all so much!
Thank you, Corsicana!
- And spoiler alert,
are you guys expecting?
- Well we were expecting
to keep it a secret.
- I will see you in there!
Come on!
- As I sit here watching this,
it's like it's not me,
it's some different
version of me; an
imposter, it's a fake!
Which it is, I mean,
Ryan Reynolds looks
nothing like me.
I can't help but think
what would have happened
if I had actually gotten
into that shitty festival,
or what would have happened
if I hadn't lied about
the whole damn thing.
Oh well, by the
looks of the reviews,
I'm not getting
the chance to make
Fat Ass Zombies 2 anytime soon.
That's okay, I kind
of had my heart
on making Zombie Space
Vikings 2: The Horny Revenge.
- [Reporter] Parents beware,
the Freedom Cake Challenge
is sweeping social media.
Teenagers are finding
the deadly cakes
that haven't been
turned in and destroyed
by the authorities and are
filming themselves eating them.
This is a very
dangerous situation,
and we urge anyone with
knowledge of any cakes
still not turned in to
report it immediately.
And parents, please
make sure you speak
to your children about the
dangers of these cakes,
and also have Colin
Street Bakery Honey
in your cupboard.
As we reported earlier,
this honey was found
to be the only antidote
for anyone poisoned
by eating the cakes.
(intense rock music)
* It
* Ain't real
* Am I what I'm supposed to be
* I fear
* I'll disappear
* I'm losing touch with myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno
* 'Cause I'm displaced
* It
* Ain't real
* Am I where I'm
supposed to be *
* I fear
* I'll disappear
* I'm losing touch with myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno
* 'Cause I'm displaced
(funky music)
* Better get jumpin'
* Here come the boogeyman
* Better get bumpin'
* Here come the boogeyman
* Better get jumpin'
* Here come the boogeyman
* Better get walkin'
* Here come the boogeyman
* When the boogeyman
lose his heart *
* When the boogeyman,
his eyes get lost *
(ominous music)
(crowd applauds)
- And do we have a
peach of a day or not?
You know, it's my
goal to get more jobs
to the people of this
city than ever before.
Well, we have here the
executive of Freedom Foods,
and we have them
to thank for it,
so let's give them a
big round of applause.
(crowd applauds)
- [Crowd] USA, USA, USA, USA!
(playful music)
(munching)
(screaming) (snoring)
- [Man] Oh God, it's got teeth.
Oh my God, let me through.
(screams)
- I forgot how to get...
- Better run, everybody.
You can't stay, you can't stay.
One pass and I'm done.
I can't see. - I can you.
You're ascared of me.
(growling)
(gun fires)
- Oh, hello, Principal Johnson.
You just missed movie time.
(bell rings)
Oh. (kids cheering)
Alright, kids.
Have a great weekend.
I'll see you next week; one
more week of fifth grade.
Try not to act, uh, too upset.
- I just had to see for myself.
Congratulations, Sam?
This isn't exactly
school curriculum.
- It's the second to last
Friday of the school year.
I just thought I'd reward them
with something a
little more fun.
- What's Sam deserve
congratulating for?
- He finally got one of his
films into a big film festival.
- Oh!
Did he?
Oh, was it, Zombie
Space Vikings?
Zombie Prom Night?
- There's something
wrong with my face!
(screaming)
- Shirley no!
- Or was it, uh,
something with babies?
- Zombie Abortion Apocalypse.
- Zembryos attack!
Sweet revenge, sweet revenge!
- Oh, oh, yeah that one, yeah.
- You have to admire
his persistence.
- Dear, persistence can
be a sign of insanity.
- Hyyy-ya!
- Easy.
- That, boys and girls,
is our classic ninja
zombie kill move.
Well that's it for class today.
Parents, you should be proud
of these little ninjas.
- And remember, next
Tuesday is our home
invasion defense workshop.
- Yes parents,
it's good practice
for those of you who do not
want your kids kidnapped,
or raped, or raped
by kidnappers.
- Kidnapping can really
stunt a child's development.
- Hell yeah.
* I can't buy you dinner
- [Man] Popper, Popper!
- Hey, what the shit?
I'll just, I'll
just stay down here.
- [Woman] You're gonna
want to get up for this.
- Oh, I'm up.
- What can I help you with?
- Steve Popolopsis?
- My friends call me Popper.
What do they call you, baby?
Hot Pink?
- Oh you can call me
whatever you like, Popper,
but you've been served.
- Oh, shit.
- Been served what?
A sexy-gram?
Fuckin' bitch.
- I get that a bunch.
You have a nice day, Mr. Popper.
- Popper don't preach, bro,
she done filed for D.
(laughing)
- Shut up.
Shut up!
- [Felecia] Mr.
Pentergass, we thank you
for your short film submission,
Deadbeat Zombie Dad,
to the 2016 horror film fest.
We are sorry to inform
you Deadbeat Zombie Dad
did not make our final
lineup in the festival.
The truth is your movie
is a steaming pile
of shitnuggets, with
the production value
of a home video shot by a deaf,
blind amputee that is
drunk on cheap gin.
Please consider quitting
filmmaking altogether,
maybe concentrating on
digging ditches full time.
Hopefully you'll
perish in a fire
or contract genital herpes.
Warm regards, festival
director Felecia Fugate.
- Sweetie, how's
my little Scorsese?
- Uh, yeah, mom, just a second.
- Sweetheart, I want that letter
to put in your book.
- This is not a
good time, alright?
- Honey, all your
friends are here already.
You've gotta come out.
Now get your tail out
here, you're being rude!
(upbeat music)
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, congratulations.
- Yeah, thanks for coming.
- Course.
- Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.
- Hey, Horatio.
- Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!
Well, I guess a
congratulations is in order.
- Thank you.
- Sam, Sam.
It is not that I don't...
- 'Scuse me, bro.
- Hey, man.
- Guys look!
Stoner cam!
- Hey that's awesome, man.
That's really cool.
- It's great, it really was,
It's not that I don't
like Zombie Dad,
it's just that it is
lacking something.
It's just, it's
lacking something.
How would one say?
It is...
It is complete shit, Sam.
It is complete and utter shit.
Because you casted
amateurs, Sam.
Amateurs. - Oh, yeah.
- And I know that Ocean Spray
has his Megacuts commercial,
I know that.
I know that but I...
- Yeah it's a good commercial.
- It's a pretty good commercial,
I will say that.
But everybody else, Sam...
- I'll be thinking
about you when I
drop this deuce.
I've got a turtlehead saying
let me out, let me out.
Move, bitch.
- No, Tibo, I actually really...
- That was lovely,
Tibo, thank you.
- M-hmm.
- It is a wonder,
Mr. Pentergass...
- Yes.
- If you're even
talented at all.
- Great.
Thank you so much, Horatio.
Do you mind if I just
kinda have my party?
- I'm leaving now, Sam.
- Okay.
Thanks, thanks for coming.
Awesome, Sam.
How you gonna get
out of this one?
It's not like you can
say, whoops, sorry,
I didn't actually
read the letter.
(upbeat music)
- You're like a legit
filmmaker now, bro!
We should team up, you
know, make a movie,
like, what if like
two guys travel across
the country on their motorcycles
in search of America?
- Yeah, man, um...
I think that's already
might've already kinda
been done, but we can
do something else...
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Alright, I got another one.
I got another one.
- Okay, alright, yeah.
- Two guys.
- Okay.
- Wake up in the morning,
and their car is gone.
- Yeah.
Yup.
- What was up with that
cheer uniform today?
I saw you at the rally.
- Shut it down...
- You were looking
awfully cheerful.
- The new owners are making
that place my prison.
- Mmm.
- But I got paid
one hundred bucks
to put on the costume.
- Hiiya!
- Oh!
Alright, alright.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay.
- Hey, hey baby.
- Die, asshole.
- Oh, asshole, sass, I dig.
You like to party?
- You wanna play?
- Mmm, yeah I wanna play.
- You wouldn't get anywhere near
this unless I was dead, or dead.
You have poop on your shirt.
It's gross. - Hi, y'all!
I have some Freedom Cakes
fresh from the factory.
Eat 'em all up!
- I'm alright.
Thanks.
- Aw, they're good.
You have a good time!
- Thanks, Ms. Ecky.
- I think I'm going to vomit.
- Yeah, vomit.
- Sam, I, I had my
kids make you cards.
- Nice.
Thank you.
Oh. - Yeah, and this one's mine.
- Nice!
Bros.
- Fuck off!
- Hey, hey.
- Your hair looks like my
cousin's bleached asshole.
- Why you got so
much aggression?
Be so pretty.
Your cousin bleaches
her asshole?
Hey neighbor, you like
to party and get naked?
I eat butt.
And not just on Fridays.
- You see that Tiffany chick?
She's here.
- Tiffany?
- Yeah.
Dude, I think she's
in the kitchen.
- Yeah.
- She's really here?
- Yeah.
She's like an angel,
man, I'm telling you.
I talked to her for a minute.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- We're twins.
- Twins?
Really?
- Identical.
- Identical.
- Hey guys.
- Hey.
- Sammy finally has
a ticket out of here.
And a girl like Tiffany
only thinks about
one thing; getting out.
- What are we talking about?
- Tiffany Taylor.
She's blonde.
- Mm...
- I touched her hair over there.
- Oh...
- Oh man, did you tell
her that you were
going to do that?
- No I just went
by and I swiped it.
(upbeat music)
- Oh!
Peter Anthony!
- So your little
runt did it, huh?
- Yes he did.
And he's gotta go say something.
He can't just like, sit there.
You gotta go get him
to make a speech.
- I think this could
be a good thing
because he is such a
good public speaker.
- Honey, please!
Oh, don't you be nasty!
- Congratulations,
sis, I'm proud of you.
- I'm so proud.
I'm so proud!
Ah!
- Hey Spray, thanks
for coming, man.
- Sammy.
- Hey Uncle P.
- How you doin'?
- Good, man, yeah.
- There's a
mind-numbing fox walking
around this shindig.
Good work.
Normally you just have
a bunch of pot-faced
losers, but um, you've got
like have the town here.
- Yeah man, her name is Tiffany.
I was just getting
ready to go talk to her.
- No shit.
- Oh come on, man, she's
like half your age!
- Maybe some of you
devils just showed up
'cause you heard my boy
made a winning film.
Woo!
(crowd applauds)
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so,
I'm so so sorry, honey.
- No, it's alright, um...
- They didn't they don't know
he didn't have such
an easy way of it
when he was growing up.
Without his papa,
well, that lowdown, scumbag,
scoundrel, may he
rot in hell forever.
- Okay.
- But anyway!
I always told him,
I always told him,
what you think about,
what you believe,
you can make happen.
And he did!
He did.
Save me, honey.
Save your mama.
- Oh okay.
Alright.
- I'm just so proud of you.
- Thank you, mom.
Thank you, seriously,
thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
- Uh, um, well everybody, um,
you know how much I love
making movies, and uh,
so I want to thank you
all for being here.
Um, you know, but the thing
is guys, um, well
when I got the letter
in the mail, you know?
We did it!
We totally made it!
We're going to Hollywood!
Mom, we're going to Hollywood!
We're going!
(crowd applauds) We did it!
- [Crowd] Deadbeat Zombie Dad!
Deadbeat Zombie Dad!
Deadbeat Zombie Dad!
- Come here, sweetheart.
Listen, we're just going
to slide out of here
'cause we're already late
for our little girls' trip.
Now, we're going to
be back on Sunday
and you better be sure that
this whole place is cleaned up
by then, okay?
- Okay.
- Oh I love you, sweetheart!
I am so proud of you!
- I love you, mom.
Thank you.
Okay, alright.
- I love you so much.
Have a good time. - Thanks.
- Yeah!
- I'm so proud of you, dude.
- I know.
- You killed it.
I love you, man.
- Sam?
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey, I just wanted to
say again how amazing
I think you did today.
- Okay.
- Um.
- Yuhuh.
- And I always knew
you could do it.
- So yeah, no thank you.
So here's the thing...
- So congratulations!
- No I, thank you so much!
Thank you! - Thanks.
- Pam.
So hey, here's the thing.
- What?
- I did not get in.
I totally did not get in.
- What?
- No, absolutely not.
- Oh okay, I think
you've had a little
too much to drink.
- I have.
And that's fuckin'
great everybody.
So here's the thing.
You are great, and
I, I appreciate it,
so thank you.
Thank you guys!
And I'm gonna, I'm
goin' I don't know...
- Yeah!
You know what,
where we're going?
Hollywood!
- We are kings of the world!
- I'm gonna punch you
right in the dick.
- So, first of all,
you are great.
And you're very talented.
So I think that you should
come out to the premiere.
Quentin Tarantino, you
know Quentin Tarantino?
- Hey dude, look at
all this hot ass!
- Yeah I know.
- Look at all this hot ass!
- And so you need to know.
- To us.
- That you're pretty.
- To us.
- And you should
come to the show.
You can be in my next movie,
and that's really fucking great.
- We love you man.
- Dude, I love you.
- Dick punch.
Dick punch it.
- Sam?
* Just out, hanging around
- Sweetie?
How's my very own
little Clint Eastwood?
- Mr. Pentergass.
Your movie is a steaming
pile of shit-nuggets.
- No!
It was a mistake!
- Sam.
Sam!
Sam!
Sam! - Shit, what?
- Sam get your ass up.
Come on, we gotta
go, we gotta go.
- What, man?
What the fuck?
- Ninja painting, bro, man.
We gotta finish
colonel's house today
or we do not get paid.
Come on!
- Uh, shit.
- Fellas are already in the van.
Come on, let's go.
- Are you kidding me?
- The dojo is not going
to pay for itself.
- That's today, man?
- No it was last week.
What the fuck you think, man?
Come on get your ass up.
Come on, come on, man.
- Okay, okay, fuck it.
- Come on.
Your place is trashed.
You're lucky your
mom's not here, dude.
- Agh.
(laughing)
Dude, what the fuck, man?
- Here, here, here,
clean your face off
you got some shit on
your forehead. (laughs)
oh my God, that is bad.
- Aw shit, man!
Shit!
- Aw hell no, is that?
- This place is trashed.
You're lucky your
mom is not here.
- Noodles!
Good girl!
Aww, good girl.
Yes you eat that up!
- Oh hell naw.
- Oh!
- That's disgusting, man.
* I don't want her
- Come on, let's go!
- Dude!
You want to take a shit?
I've got a big yard.
Neighbors would love
that, sorry, sorry!
Come on, would you come on!
- I'm sorry!
(intense music)
- I'm sorry,
Sam-a-lamading-dong,
about last night but I
had to let off some steam.
- No problem, man.
You're already drinking?
- Well it's Saturday, so
I'm gonna get fucked up.
And then there's Janice,
bitch is divorcing me,
so I hope she gets
genital herpes
and poison ivy on her nipples
in the same afternoon.
Fuck it, I'm getting wrecked!
You're a fuckin' mad
man lying about getting
into the festival.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, you said we
were going to get
an apartment in L.A., asshole.
- Yeah, I was totally
gonna get laid by a girl.
- And I think you
should be with me
at the premiere and that's,
it's gonna be good
for everybody.
And wait no,
I don't even know...
- You charlatan!
- You know you are a dick.
And I don't, know...
- Rejection letter?
- You shouldn't read that
because here's the thing.
- No!
- No because I'm gonna go,
because I'm gonna because
I talked to his agent.
(laughing)
Shit.
- You know folks are
going to have a heyday
with that one, maestro.
But don't worry about us, Sam,
I never really
thought you got in.
- Thanks?
- You're welcome.
- I did!
Dumbass.
I mean, the head
smash in this last one
was the best one ever.
- Can you not hit
so many bumps, Tibo?
I know I'm five minutes younger
than you but shit,
learn to drive, man.
- Look man, that's what you
get for polluting your body.
I told you before, your
body is your temple.
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
- Oh my gosh, are you really
bringing that up right now?
The person who jerks
off to pregnancy videos?
Yeah, tell 'em, Tibo.
Tell everybody
Tibo your darkness,
your dark secrets of the
of the mom's birthing
and the babies coming
out of the vagina.
And he jerks off to that.
Argh, I need to stop.
- Dude, what?
- Listen, they're
not pregnancy videos,
they're birthing videos.
Pregnancy videos are nasty.
Birthing videos are
sexy and they're art.
- Whatever, your
temple's just wrong.
- Dude.
- I haven't even tried that.
- Oh it's good, you
should try it, man.
- Okay, okay, it
gets kind of hot,
but it shouldn't be hot.
- See, when you see
those thighs open wide
and that water break
and, and she's wet, yo.
- Ah!
Oh God!
(yelling)
- Ow.
- Is that a walker?
We almost had
grandma in the grill.
- What's wrong with her?
- She's old?
Mrs. Henry?
Mrs. Henry we are so
sorry, are you okay?
Mrs. Henry?
Hey, you alright?
Let's get you back
to your house okay?
Okay, here we go, there we go.
I love what you did
with your flowers.
(farting)
Oh, okay.
Okay, Mrs. Henry I'm
just gonna head back in,
you got it from
here, right, yeah?
Okay, okay, uh, you
should change your pants
- Did you hear that shit?
I mean, I'm gonna need
therapy after that,
or a birthing video.
- Guys can we please just go?
It's like a dutch oven in here.
- You know what, there
hasn't been a brother
like that in the state since,
and he gave him
the ol' dipsy-do.
- [Waitress] Hi, what
can I get for you?
- Just a root beer float.
- [Waitress] You got it.
- Hey, you're Pistol
Love's nephew aren't you?
- Yeah.
- Man, we were just
talking about him.
Hey listen, let me ask
you somethin', son.
What's this bullshit
lies we've been hearing
about you winning some
sort of award or something?
- Uh, yeah, it was more
of a misunderstanding.
I didn't win anything.
(sniffing)
- I smell bullshit boy, a
big ol' steaming pile of it!
- Tell 'em, daddy!
- Why don't you get
yourself a job and contribute
something to society.
- Yo, Spielberg!
Nice one, guy.
I heard you notched
up another rejection?
Going for a Guinness
world record?
- How did you guys
hear about this?
- I saw it on Instagram,
I saw it on Instagram,
Instagram, Instagram,
Instagram, son.
- [Sam] And now the young
have shown up to feed.
I'm like an Easter ham.
This town is going to be
chewing on my gristle for years.
- Well, if he's gone he's gone,
we still gotta paint.
And pick up two weeks
of dog shit 'cause
we're late again.
- Well I got good
news and good news;
Patton's gone and I'm divorced.
Let's paint.
(upbeat music)
Aw Jojo, you're killing me, man.
That ain't painting music,
we need some rock n' roll.
- Asian is good, too.
- Asian music?
- Zen, my brother.
- What happened to you?
Help me out
Sam-alam-a-ding-dong,
what kind of music do
you like to listen to?
Sammy?
You alright up there?
- Yeah, all good, man.
- Quit napping on
the job, bitch.
Who wants a beer?
- I'm good.
- Guys, something was
wrong with her eyes.
- Whose eyes?
- It wasn't her eyes
that were the problem,
it was her ass.
Popper?
- It was her ass.
- Sam.
Sam?
What are you looking at?
- I don't know, man.
Give me a second.
Uh, guys, we got
a problem up here.
- Yeah, we don't
have enough beer.
- Shit!
Go, go, go!
We've got a problem,
we've got a problem.
- Yo, yo, what the
fuck's the problem, man?
- The colonel, man,
he's fucked up!
Hide! - Be careful, man.
Slow down, man!
- Hey!
- Come on!
- What, is he
butt-naked or something?
- Sam!
- Shit!
Agh!
Ah, shit!
(yelling)
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!
- Go, go, go, Popper!
Go Popper!
- Shit!
Shit, shit, shit!
- Hey, watch out!
- Hey, what are you doing?
Wait, wait!
He's our only client!
- I know.
- What the fuck?
- Everybody move!
(yelling)
- Shit that wasn't even close!
What is that?
You had one shot!
- We'll be back once
you fix yo' shit.
And sorry about your chair.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
- No, Jojo, let's stick around,
maybe play a little Backgammon.
- Did you see his face?
Did you see that shit?
- He's possessed by a demon!
Probably that Asian curse.
- There ain't no Asian
curse, it's rabies,
and I ain't getting
18 shots in my abs.
- What the hell is that?
- Patton.
- Oh that's rabies.
- Well that's one dog
you're better than, Sam.
What the hell are you
going to do with that?
Cook him to death?
- You guys got
all the good shit.
I'm trying my best.
- Shut up, guys.
Alright we're gonna make
a run for it, alright?
We're gonna get to the van,
we're gonna lock the doors,
we're gonna get the
fuck off this street.
- Alright, let's do it.
- Jojo, the ladle, man,
you look ridiculous.
(glass breaking)
- My bad.
- Time to go, boys.
- Come on!
Let's go, go, go, go, go!
- Stupid ass.
- Who's got the keys?
- Me, me, me, me!
- Go, come on, come on, come on!
Popper come on!
Get the door, get it!
- Get the keys!
Let's go!
Put they keys in
there, come on, man!
Go, go, go!
Would you just please go?
Tibo!
Go!
- Shit, man.
- Oh fuck.
- We need to call the police.
- What?
- We need to call the police.
- We are two months
behind on our dojo rent,
he's our only client.
- Okay, at the very
least we have to contact
the Humane Society
and report this.
- You might as well
report Sam too.
Hey, he's the one
feeding Noodles vomit
pudding on the floor.
- You guys don't
even fuckin' care.
- Sam.
- What?
- Your place.
- What the hell?
- Hey guys!
- Pam!
Uh, what are you doing here?
Guys.
- What?
I ain't saying nothin'.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, uh, I knocked
and the door was open,
and I came in and saw
the place and, well.
It was not big deal.
- Thank you.
- No big deal?
There was vomit
like, everywhere.
- There was?
- [Announcer] We interrupt
your regular programing.
- Holy crap!
- [Announcer] This is the
emergency broadcast system.
This is not a test.
Repeat, this is not a test.
State and local
authorities have issued
a countywide warning. - Sam.
- [Announcer] Stay indoors,
lock all doors and windows.
- Holy shit.
- The authorities will
be issuing further
instructions through the
emergency broadcast system.
- Sam, is that your mailman
chasing Mrs. Henry's dog?
(dramatic music)
- Mom, please, please stop.
Mom please!
- There is something seriously
wrong, your mom is whack.
(moaning)
(bright music)
* Moments are such
fleeting things *
* It's strange though
* What rapture one brings
- Sam?
Sam, Sam!
What the hell are
you doing, man?
This is not a fucking movie!
Come on, let's go!
- Man we are not going to
survive without this weaponry.
We need some damn guns.
- I don't have any
guns, I have a camera.
- Who gives a damn?
- How are we the
only people in Texas
that don't own guns?
- Let's go to my uncle's!
- [Together] Pistol's.
- [DJ] Alright, let's
take a phone call here.
Good morning, you're
live on the air
with Morning Fiasco.
There's nobody there.
There's nobody there.
Uh, guys?
(yelling)
(sirens blaring)
- Looks like we've got company.
Ready to whoop some
ass, little brother?
- Yeah.
- (laughs) Let's go.
- Wait!
Yeah, they're just
regulars, man.
- Let's whoop their ass anyway.
- Pistol.
You here?
Uncle P!
Pistol?
Pistol!
- What the hell is
going on here, huh?
Somebody better
start talking, quick.
- You want the short
or the long version?
- Short.
Very short.
- Alright, so the town
has been overrun...
- Corsicana has been overrun
by bloodythirsty,
crazed zombies.
They may be rabid.
Either way it's very bad.
We came to you for guns.
- Hey, any of these work?
- Does a pig shit turds, huh?
- Mhm.
- What kind of idiots
gonna keep working
pistols in a roadhouse bar?
- None of these work?
- Did somebody say Pistol?
- Mr. Love strikes again.
Now what're we going to do?
- Are you kidding me?
- Shit happens, Sam, I'm
sorry about that, okay?
Now the rest of you
idiots, outta here,
the joke's over, go home.
- We're being serious.
(banging)
- Somebody open it.
- No, don't get
it, don't get it!
Ibo, do not get that door.
- Who is it?
- It's Virginia, Dani...
- It's Virginia, Dani?
- And Horatio!
- And Horatio.
- Horatio?
Leave him out there.
- What?
Open the door.
(yelling)
- What the hell is
wrong with you people?
- We got shot at.
What the hell is happenin'?
- They have got the
entire town blocked off.
- I got it on my phone.
- There were bodies
right in the middle
of the street.
- Oh Goddamn, oh shit!
Fuck me.
- Oh my God.
I am calling my dad.
- Can we have some guns?
- How is it that no one
understands the guns
are for decoration?
- Pistol, we're pretty hungry.
You got anything to eat?
- Beer nuts, chips.
- Sweet.
- Sam, no more lies.
- Pistol, this is not a joke.
Something is
seriously wrong here.
- What am I doing
here with you people?
Pistol, take me home.
- It's like two for one night
at the sizzler out there.
We need guns like, pronto.
- And ammo.
- And beer.
- Ammo.
- [Both] Jerky.
(speaks in foreign language)
(speaks in foreign language)
- Why exactly are we not sending
in the military to
address this tragedy?
- Look, if these people
want to kill themselves,
let them go at it.
Where I'm from, we call
that trimming the herd.
- Trimming, trimming the herd!
- Now this is a
perfect example of us
not taking care of our citizens.
- Citizens?
Who said they were citizens?
- No, no, no, no!
- Who the hell are you to
judge who is an American?
- They would not be
running wild in the street.
- The people of the Southern
States are as American
as the rest of us.
If you were in this
room I would bitch-slap
you right now.
(intense music) - Stay together.
* It
* Ain't real
- Man, this sucks.
I had plans.
- What?
- I was gonna finish
my associates degree.
- Uh oh, look up here.
Hey, hey, Sam, check it out.
- Alright, get it.
Nice!
- Yeah, yeah!
What?
- You gotta hit him.
- For real?
- It's a zombie, hit it.
- That ain't right.
(yelling)
- Get it!
- Oh my God!
- Holy shit!
Yes!
* I'm losing myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
- Alright come on, let's go.
- [Reporter] This just in:
the White House released
drone footage of the
chaos in Corsicana.
I warn you these
images are horrific.
The rioters are attacking
innocent people in their cars.
- The town is right next to
the Mexican border, no wall,
they're coming in, these
damn illegal aliens
take over the town.
(speaks in foreign language)
- Did you see the footage?
What are you going to do?
Tell me; what are
you going to do
when they come in and they
beat down your door, hm?
Oh I'm gonna give 'em a hug.
No, I'll tell you what you want;
you want to get
a gun, a big gun.
That's right a gun, so that
you can protect your family
before they steal your
dog and your daughter.
- Alright, guys, go over there.
(howling)
- I love this fuckin' country!
- Horatio get out of my frame.
- No, no, no, no, see, I
am making my own movie.
- Seriously, really dude?
- Really, really,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm doing one about a
shitty filmmaker making
a horror film and trying
to use real zombies
to make his film,
that's what I'm doing.
- You really think
someone would watch that?
- Jojo!
- Keep your voice down.
- Beer!
- Sh, don't, don't!
- Yes.
- Don't move.
- Yes.
- Don't!
(laughing)
(intense music)
(gun firing) - Get out of here.
- Fucking A!
- Weapons work better
with ammunition.
* It's making me sad now
* A little sad, yeah, yeah
* Gets me, memory
- What's going on?
- Seems like everyone
thinks the bar
is the best place to be
when all hell breaks loose.
- We're gonna be lucky
if we even make it out
of this town alive.
- Jojo, you gotta
stop looking at me
while I'm taking a piss.
- I, I'm not, what
are you talking about?
- And it doesn't matter anyway,
wasn't that always the
case, I mean come on, man.
How come my movies
never go anywhere?
- Because they suck?
Except for your hair,
and your acting.
- Tibo my movies do not suck.
I don't have
production value, man.
I've never had production value.
- So you're going to
film us while we get
attacked by zombies.
- No.
(farting)
I have an idea.
(crowd applauds)
- Alright, y'all, we're
gonna take a break,
we'll be back in just a few.
- Hello, hey, Popper here,
I've probably changed your oil,
I know I've changed your oil.
Or fixed something on your car
or your bicycles.
Hey, there's one man
here tonight who saw
the shit comin' before anybody.
Like, like Nostradamus
or something.
He said the shit was
gonna hit the fan,
the zombies, the undead,
and said zombie apocalypse,
before anybody else
knew what was happening.
He's my main man, my
best friend, Sammy P.
- Oh for fuck's sake!
His movie didn't even make
it into the damn festival!
- Yeah, no shit, dumbass.
And we all know that now.
But it's okay, you know why?
Hit 'em, Jojo.
- Sam has an idea.
- That's right, Jojo.
Ladies and gentleman,
our zombie maestro
of ceremonies, Sammy P!
(crowd claps)
- Thank you, Popper.
- You're welcome.
- Well, um, so I've
been thinking, um,
we're in crisis.
The world out there
is upside down;
brother eating brother.
And you know, we can sit
here and we can drink
and party 'till
the bitter end, or,
we could unite for
a common cause.
We can show the world
that we are one people,
that we are survivors, that
we can beat unbeatable odds!
And how do we show the world?
I will document it!
This town, yeah it
might be dried up,
we're sitting on
an oilfield here,
this is our goldmine!
We can make a movie as one,
and we will triumph!
- Okay, so what's the movie?
- Have you ever heard
the phrase found footage?
- Have you heard the term
DOA, dead on arrival.
Have you?
You jackasses, go make
your homemade movie,
I'm gonna sit right
here and drink my beer.
- Come on, Bird Dog.
We finally have a chance to
make something of ourselves.
- Oh shut up!
You're drunk!
(crowd booing) - Come on.
- Hey, get off the stage!
(intense rock music)
- Listen, listen, big Jim.
There are many, many,
many bonuses to the film
and entertainment industry.
- Like what?
- Number one, poontang.
Number two De Niro,
or money as we call it
in the States. - Sure.
- So, pussy and money.
So think about it, think
about it like this okay,
like, you ever like
work really hard to get
into a chick's pants,
like you really want it,
and you spend a lot
of money and time,
you're not going to
get any of that money
or time back, but you
get the experience,
even if she's not very good
you get the experience.
Look, man, look, you are
getting in on the ground
level of so much
production value.
You never get this; real fucking
zombies here in Corsicana.
So, but if you are in
now you first money out.
- I can't leave here, though.
- You can't leave, you
don't have to leave here!
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- You don't know what
I'm talking about?
- No I don't.
- Do you like pussy?
- Yes.
- Do you like money?
- Yes.
- Then you're in.
(crowd applauds)
* Oh when I dreamed that
you called my name *
* Oh when I dreamed that
you called my name *
- Oh, shit.
Who is that?
Hey let me get out of here
before you wreck this place.
Oh, dude!
You're gonna wake up
the dead with that!
Quit fuckin' around, Pistol.
(yelling)
* Hear bells and
who's to blame *
(yelling)
* Are calling my name
- Pistol!
Pistol, you've got to see this!
Pistol!
- Oh my God, get off
my man, you slut!
- Shut your pie hole, bitch.
- Oh he got me!
He got me!
(yelling)
- Run!
- Get out of my way!
Get out of my way!
- Oh my God, he neutered him!
- I think I wet myself,
I pissed myself.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Where are we going?
Where are we going?
- We're going to Pam's school!
- Why?
- Because the windows have bars!
- Go, go!
Just get in your truck!
- Hey kids, there's a
new sheriff in town.
All your worries will
wash away with one bite
of these delicious chocolatey,
cream filled Freedom Cakes.
Your parents keeping you down?
Do they keep making you eat
food not fit to feed an ostrich?
Blech!
Don't worry, Freedom
Cakes are here!
This is America,
where we get to eat
what we want, it's
your God given right!
Coming to a store
near you on July 4th.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Really like your
handiwork back there.
You guys have any film
production experience?
- No, boss, but as you
can see we're productive.
- Yeah, yeah you are.
Better that way
anyway, film production
experience will make you jaded.
You guys want to make a movie?
- Why the hell are we here?
- Ladies and gentleman,
this is our destiny.
We have a movie
lot, right there.
We have hair, we have make up,
we have set... - Ahmm.
- Yes?
- Um, are you suggesting
that we use real zombies?
- Real, real zombies.
Yes.
We are going to make the
first ever zombie film
using real zombies.
- What?
- Sam, you know I'll do
anything for a movie,
kind of known for being
a team player, but uh,
isn't this a little dangerous?
- Yes.
Yeah, right?
Working with zombies
could be misconstrued
as not a good idea.
- Fair enough.
- We're not going to
use dangerous ones.
- What kind of zombies
are you planning on using?
- Safe ones.
Safer.
- Safe zombies.
- The only safe zombie
is a dead zombie.
- Got that straight, son.
- [Both] Hah!
- The name of our movie.
You guys ready?
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Come on, are you guys ready?
- Yeah!
- Yes!
Alright!
Fat
Ass
Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies.
- Wilson, come on,
that's even worse
than Deadbeat Zombie Dad.
- It's amazing, and it's
perfect for the film
that we are going to make.
- Fat Ass Zombies,
I love it, bro!
- Alright, so we're
in school, right?
How about a quiz?
- Oh, oh, me, pick me!
- You guys want a quiz?
Come on, come on,
alright here we go.
What does this town
not have a shortage of?
- Ooh oh oh!
- Who's got it?
Alright, Wilson!
- [Together] Zombies!
- You're right,
head of the class.
Before the zombies.
- Ooh oh oh!
- Popper!
- Stupid people!
- Also true, yup,
lot of stupid people.
- I think I had third grade
English in this class.
I'll always remember
because this was the site
of my first erection.
- What else?
- Oh!
I got it, I got it,
I got it, I got it!
- Give it one more shot.
- Stupid people with no jobs!
- Okay, that's true.
We're kind of staying on that.
Think bigger guys, think bigger.
- Sam!
- Stupid people with
no jobs and no money!
- Fat people!
- Woah!
- Fatties!
Big ol' fat, fat,
fat, fatties, guys!
- Damn straight!
- We have five
Chinese buffts for a
town of 20,000 people.
That's is a lot of tub.
All of your parents
are very, very fat.
And that, ladies and gentleman,
is what we are going to use.
The fat, the slow.
What is the name of our movie?
- [Together] Fat Ass Zombies!
- Yes!
Come on!
- [Together] Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
Fat Ass Zombies!
- Magic!
(upbeat music)
- Blue team!
You guys are operation
Capture Fat and Safe Zombies.
Remember, anything fat, slow,
doesn't move fast and
it's easy to kill.
Yellow team, you guys
are weapons and gear.
Somehow nobody thought to grab
it when we left Pete's place.
So, get us weapons,
hatchets, shovels, bats,
chainsaws, ladles, I don't care,
anything is better
than what we have,
just remember it's
lame to shoot zombies.
Get us something fun
to kill zombies with.
(grunting)
Red team, you guys are
operation Munchies;
we need food and drink!
The school shut down the
lunch program, right, Pam?
Ugh, where do our taxes go?
Get us food, guys.
Green team, you guys are
with me here at basecamp
starting preproduction.
Let's make movie
magic here people,
rendezvous here no
later than 13:00.
Let's move!
- Si, maestro!
- Come on!
(speaks in foreign language)
(bright music)
* Chest
* Nuts
* Feed it to him
- Put craft here
right on that table,
and get all the weapons out
and on those shelves, alright?
- Okay.
- Oh I am getting
the ice cream, bros!
- Okay, okay, uh, might
I suggest getting items
with more sustenance.
- Nope!
- God, this is so stupid.
(yelling)
Oh, I love berries, I really do.
Oh Jesus Christ, ah!
Oh my God!
Okay, time to go!
Time to go!
- Drive, drive, drive,
come on, come on!
- It's a child.
- What?
- Who brought the baby?
- Baby?
- Oh dear God!
- What?
What?
(yelling)
- What do I do, what
do I do, what do I do?
- Um, get rid of
it, get rid of it!
- Okay, okay, okay!
(baby cooing)
- Don't look back
guys, don't look back.
- Sam?
- Hey!
- Sam, God!
There you are. - Fresh markers!
Pam, this is amazing,
the ideas are flying out
of my head, this is it!
- I'm so excited for you!
- I know, right?
- Okay wait, I've been thinking,
I don't want anyone to get hurt
and we don't know what's
going on out there so...
- Pam, I know what's
going on out there.
This town's been
one heatwave away
from destroying
itself for years.
- Yeah, yeah, I
know, it's just...
I just wanna make sure no
one's gonna get hurt, you know?
- We're gonna sneak around,
we're gonna watch chompers
chasing people, that's it!
- Okay.
- I wonder if the
sheriff's turned.
I gotta go.
I gotta go!
So, you tell me
we've got no weapons,
a very meager craft services,
and for a zombie, you
got me a fifth grader
in a retainer.
(yelling)
- We're making a movie!
Let's review the following;
I'm not gonna change the
way I look or the way
I feel to conform to anything,
I've always been a freak.
Okay, yeah, I've
never liked it either.
Okay, moving on.
Another one from another
John, a real 'Merican,
courage is being scared to
death but saddling up anyway.
And finally, screw
it, let's do it, yes!
Sir Richard Branson, yes!
- Are you freakin' kidding me?
This is what you've been doing
while we've been out there
risking our necks, huh?
- Yeah, it's what
I've been doing, and,
you know, getting art department
and a script together.
You can't have a movie
without a script.
- Yeah, and we can't
live without food, huh.
I should have been
on the red team.
- Hey, man!
We have like, enough gummy
bears to last a month!
Jeez, here!
- I'm not worried
about the food,
I'm worried about
being their food.
They're fast.
- Anything's faster
than you, brother,
the way you keep
smoking that shit.
- Don't hate, man!
- Woah, woah, guys!
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Woah, guys, seriously!
Come on, guys!
- Mr. Pentergass, report
to the principal's office,
once you stop dicking around.
So, Mr. Pentergass,
what do you have to
say for yourself?
- I'm sorry sir, I didn't
think using the school
would be a big deal,
it's been abandoned,
- Mr. Pentergass,
I've heard it once,
I've heard it a thousand times.
Spare me.
Pentergass, this calls
for greater action.
This calls for something
way more sizable
in my response.
This calls for Priscilla.
'Scuse me, sir?
- Priscilla!
Meet Priscilla, Mr. Pentergass!
- Mr. Johnson you
have a big gun, sir,
- Shall we make a zombie film?
(laughing)
(grunting)
- Hit me here.
Yo, hit me here, hit me here.
- Hey!
Listen up!
- Thank you, Pam.
- You're welcome.
- Alright, this is
where it all begins.
This is where they discover
something's not quite right.
They see some folks on the
side of the road, they're hurt,
or are they?
Let's make a movie! - Yeah!
- Let's make a movie!
- Jose, Eldad, crafty.
(speaks in foreign language)
- Hey, now which direction
are we shooting in again?
- We're gonna shoot all
the way down the road,
so make sure it's
clear down there.
- Alright, you got it,
partner, let's do this!
- Next, maestro?
(speaks in foreign language)
- Quiet on set!
- Sound speed.
- Speed.
- Roll camera.
- Rolling, rolling.
- You guys ready for awesome?
- Yeah.
- Release the zombies!
- Go, go, go!
- Ey, ey, c'mon, zombies, go!
- Go, go, go, zombies, go!
- C'mon!
(speaks in foreign language)
Come on you little shit, go!
Go, go, go!
- Come on zombies, go!
- Pistol?
Release the zombies!
- They won't go!
- Pistol, they ain't
like cattle or horses,
I don't know how to do this!
- Just get back there
and give 'em a hand!
- Sam, I'm trying!
You wanna come do this?
- Dani, hit them in the ribcage!
- Alright, I'm tryin'!
- C'mon, blood,
blood over there!
Blood!
- Alright you guys,
brace yourselves,
here we go.
- Zombies el prontos, pronto!
- Go get that
blonde girl, c'mon!
(dramatic music)
- What the fuck was that?
- Oh, shit.
- C'mon, zombies, go!
Go for that blonde girl!
- She's handicap.
- She okay?
- Course she's not okay,
she's a damn zombie!
- No I know, but is
she gonna get back
in the wheelchair?
- She ain't going anywhere,
she's crippled, Sam.
- Already down a
zombie and we haven't
even got the first
shot off, bro!
- Dammit.
Dani, I said slow zombies
not completely paralyzed!
- I know, I guess we just
got all the defective ones!
- Okay, they're out!
Quiet on set.
Action!
(yelling)
- Yeah?
Yeah?
- Let's tone it down a bit.
Just a smidgen, sweetheart.
Yeah, you're going
to scare the zombies.
- Come on, guys!
Just start running, let's go!
- Hey, let's just shoot some
tights and fix it in post.
- We're not gonna fix
shit in post, Popper,
you just gotta get the shot.
- Okay.
- Tiffany, look scared!
- She's too hot to look scared.
- Come on, guys,
just start running!
- Okay, now when you're
running, really exaggerate.
- Alright look, you're scared,
the zombies are coming, they're
gonna rip your face off!
You gotta run to the car, c'mon!
- You look stupid!
- Tiffany, stay in
character, c'mon.
- Whatever happened
to less is more, huh?
- Okay, let's go.
C'mon, c'mon, woman!
- I don't want to!
(yelling)
Go, go!
- I'm trying!
- Go, go!
- Cut!
Beautiful!
Yeah, alright!
Very good.
- Hey, Sam, man.
What's the plan on
getting them back in?
- Oh, shit.
Uh, that's a good question.
- Oh...
Alright, time to go,
people, let's go!
- I should get some of this!
- Move, move!
- Move, move, move, move!
- Pistol, get the zombies!
- I'm gettin' this,
I'm gettin' this!
- How are we with these idiots?
- This is crazy.
- Carl, Carl, come on!
Dude, what's wrong
with your eyes?
- You're fucked up, man.
You went too far,
now you're gonna pay.
- [Reporter] This
is a special report.
Why, America, why?
Our investigative
team is on the hunt
for the cause of the
chaos in Corsicana.
- I frequently,
we, support a lot
of charitable organizations.
Locally and nationally,
internationally.
- So me and my son and my
grandson, Bubba and Bubba Jr.,
we drink a 30-pack together.
And that night I
have this idea; hey,
what if we got liberals
to send us money?
- It's the Worldwide
Redneck Fund,
and it allows people like
us to adopt a redneck.
- You know, it's like adopt
a kid over there in Africa,
you know, them
little black kids,
you can feed one for 10 cents.
- Occasionally he
would ask for cash.
- You know, we got certain
rights, and that's a right
to worship God, a right
to carry my gun...
- And I thought we
were making progress.
He said to me once,
I'm considering
about going gluten
free for a week.
- And I don't know what the
other ones are, the other ones
don't even matter.
- The latest gun that he bought,
he didn't name it.
- Oh, Ethyl?
This is my AR10.
- What's happening in Texas
is certainly distressing
and we're all concerned.
- We got a silencer
or suppressor on it.
- What I think my wife
is trying to say is...
- Please don't tell me what
I'm trying to say, thank you,
I know what I'm trying to say.
- The more money we have
the more bullets we can get.
- I sent 400
recycling containers.
- The more stuff we can shoot.
- You sent four hundred
recycling bins to Bubba?
- There's a lot of things
wrong with this country.
- I thought Bubba was
a place in Ethiopia.
- There ain't no
daddies anymore.
- Do they even recycle in Texas?
- Killed a lot of hogs.
- I sent him kombucha.
- Money started pourin' in, man.
- The poems of Maya Angelou.
- Let freedom ring!
- You know I could use a
little kombucha right now.
- Okay, guys, I
know we're tired,
I know it took us a
while to get here,
I know we're down to our
last two bags of chips,
but listen, we got
great stuff back there,
and yeah, we had to
strike fast and we left
some stuff behind, and
Carl's probably dead,
but what is the classic
location for a zombie movie?
- Corsicana, Texas.
- Yes, more local though.
- Cemetery?
- No.
- Hospital.
- No.
- Black hole?
- Okay, that's above our budget.
- Oh!
Ninja dojo!
- That's very gratuitous.
- Submarine.
- A theater!
An abandoned theater!
With concessions.
- They got beer?
- Guys, we're
hungry, I'm starving.
Let's kill two birds
with one stone,
or one shot!
Huh? - Really?
- Okay, come on, let's go.
(dramatic music)
Action!
- Sam!
Listen, why are
you filming this?
- Stay in character.
- I would love to, but I do
not know what I am playing.
- Fellatio, just go with it,
you're screwing up the scene.
- Alright guys, we've
got to do this again.
Please, stop breaking
the fourth wall.
- Negative, this is a
search and destroy mission,
there's only one way; forward!
- Follow the man with the gun.
(soft music)
- Nut up, ya pansies,
I'm covering the rear.
- Yes captain, my captain.
- Guys, stay together, we've
got to make sure it's clear.
- Hey, Fellatio!
- Holy shit, ah!
Okay.
(laughs)
Look at that.
- There's a concessions.
Okay, Popper, take this.
- Yup.
- Okay, Tibo, Jojo, try
to sneak around, right?
You gotta get back there
but there are zombies,
so try to get as close
as you can to them, okay?
Alright, alright, are you ready?
(growling) - Ah, shit!
(yelling)
Shit, shit!
Help, she's gonna bite me!
- Okay, I got you, I got you!
- I'm acting.
- Shit!
(yelling)
Shit!
You gotta get her!
She's gonna bite
me, I'm serious!
What are you doing?
Get the shot!
- Okay, okay!
- Oh my God, oh God!
- I'm getting the shot!
- She's gonna kill me!
No I'm actually serious!
Did you get the shot?
- I don't know, I
was really confused.
- Yeah.
- Let's go, men!
We are in hostile territory!
- Oh shit.
Get up, get up, get up!
- Come on, come on!
- that's a negative,
Horatio, time to go, come on!
- I cut this guy's head off!
This is my moment.
- Hey, hey!
- What?
- I think it's Carl.
It's Carl, man!
- Wait, wait.
- Get the, get the
camera, get the camera!
- I don't think he notices us.
I got it, man!
I got it!
- Good job!
- Thanks, Carl!
- We miss you, bro!
- To be, or not to be,
that is the question.
- Go, go, oh shit!
Shit!
Fuck!
- Go, go, go, go!
- Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!
- Grab the door, hold
it, hold it, hold it!
- This way, troops!
- Oh man, oh!
He's been bit!
What are we going to do?
- I'm leaving, let's go.
(yelling)
- [Sam] Horatio, you're
going to be alright,
we're going to get you help.
- Oh give it a rest, Sam,
you know the script.
God that hurts!
That hurts!
- Can you actually
feel it coursing
through your veins?
- Uh, Sam, you
should see this, bro.
- Sam, Sam, listen to me!
- Now is not a good time,
not a good time, you guys!
- Sam!
- What?
What, fine!
What, what do you want?
- Come here, Sam.
- No.
- Sam, listen.
For fucks sake, I'm not
going to bite you, Sam,
just come here.
- Okay.
- God!
- Sam, no.
- Hey, I'll be alright.
I'll be alright.
Here.
- Mhm.
It's your life.
- Sam, Sam, Sam, listen to me,
I want to tell you something.
I want to ask you
something, rather.
Look at me.
- Okay.
- Do you know how
much your films suck?
They are horrible, Sam.
- Okay.
- Stop it, Sam!
Look at me, look at me!
- Okay, Horatio!
I'm looking at you.
- They are horrendous, Sam!
You are a talentless
sack of shit, but this,
this is something truly genius.
Sam.
This could be something
really special.
- Okay.
- You need a good zombie
transformation scene.
Voila!
Just make sure that you get it.
Don't fuck it up!
- Okay!
- Promise me.
- Okay, I promise.
- Okay, we should
get to filming,
I'm really starting
not to feel good.
(yelling)
Ooh the anger!
- Okay.
- Okay, just um,
turn it on Popper,
turn on the camera, turn it on.
- I'm rolling, I'm rolling.
- Okay, everyone
settle, alright?
Quiet on the set.
Ready?
- Yeah.
- Sam, this isn't right.
We should be finding him help.
- Pam, I'm about to
shoot the most important
scene of my life, and his life,
which is just about over.
So just let me freakin' do this.
- Sam, this isn't okay!
- Alright, Tiffany.
You're up. - No, no, no!
I'm not going near him!
- You are in the scene!
- I don't care!
No!
Dani will do it,
Dani will do it!
- No!
- Fine.
Dani, you're in.
Come on!
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
Right here, right here.
- Let's go, people, I am
actually dying over here.
- Come on, c'mon buddy, c'mon!
Turn around, face
to camera, alright.
Popper, here we go.
This is the shot!
- I got the shot.
- Okay.
Okay, this is the scene,
you found your best friend,
he's been bitten.
- Are you ready Ocean Spray?
- Yeah.
- Okay, action!
- I always knew that this town
was going to be the death of me!
All of these fat asses,
taking up all the space.
With their oversized derrieres
and their abundant bottoms
and their kingsize rumps!
Run!
Run. (farting)
You can still get out,
unless you let the
ones like me go.
Shoot me!
- Spray!
Say the line.
Come on, say your line, man!
- Shoot me!
Shoot me, shoot me.
You skinny little shit!
Before I eat your little
slut of a girlfriend!
I'm coming, I'm coming!
I'm com, ah!
- Ocean!
- This is fucked up.
Is he supposed to do that?
- Dude, that's
not in the script!
- He's a zombie!
- Man, fuck this shit!
These are our
friends, you shoot it!
- Fine!
Eldad!
- Maestro!
- Sam, what are you doing?
- This is great.
- These are your friends!
- And I will tell their story!
(yelling)
(gun firing)
- Dammit!
Dammit, who did that?
I did not say cut!
- Sorry, Sam, I can't let
Horatio go out like that.
- (speaks in foreign
language) brother.
- Have you lost your mind?
This is sick!
- I have this under control.
- Under control?
- What is happening?
I thought he had to get bit!
Did anyone see him get bit?
- Have we all lost our minds?
- Did anyone see anything
unusual with Ocean?
- He had the serious cause
of the munchies, guys.
He ate like five
of these bitches!
- Shit, it's the Freedom Cakes!
(yelling)
- Oh my God, I
baked those things.
Does that mean I'm
going to turn into one?
How do I look?
- Stay away from me!
Those are gross!
- We bake to box at least
50,000 of those a day!
We just shipped a
shit ton of them out.
- Where?
- Nationwide!
- Oh my God, we're
all gonna die!
- We've got incoming, people.
Let's go, let's go,
into the theater!
- What about Horatio?
- There's nothing we
can do for him now.
Let's go, come on!
- Ocean!
- Come on Jessie, we have to go!
We have to go, Jessie, come on!
- Are you guys insane?
We are going to
finish this film,
we are going to be famous!
Get back in here!
Come on!
Oh, do it for Horatio!
(intense music)
- Come on, shh, shh.
Come on, lock the door.
- Okay, okay, I got it.
- Popper!
I'm sorry, alright?
I lost my head, man.
We gotta go!
What the?
- Sam, stay in character.
You gotta stay in
character, Sam.
- A dolly shot?
Okay.
- Why am I not a zombie?
- Popper!
- Hey.
- Popper, holy shit,
we gotta get out of here, man.
- Dude, look at this.
- Woah.
- Zombie hotties!
We gotta get this shot!
Yeah, you wanna
stream this movie?
Dudes are gonna look,
they're gonna see
no titties, sausagefest,
they go right through it.
- Yeah.
- Oh!
- I don't have the camera.
- What?
- Dude, we just got
to get out of here!
- Catch up to ya.
- Been saving this
for a long time.
I call it El Morte.
It's inside here.
Yeah.
- El Morte?
- El Morte.
- Dude, that wouldn't even
get a fifth grader high.
- Oh!
Famous last words, man.
Ready?
- Yeah.
(yelling)
- Oh, the Freedom Cakes.
Oh wait, the Freedom Cakes.
The, the, I'm not a zombie!
Oh my God, I'm not a zombie.
I am not, I am not a zombie.
- What's your name?
(yelling)
- And now we have exclusive
footage for you from Corsicana,
and the carnage that
is happening there.
People are rioting, screaming,
you'll notice fires
in the streets.
People appear to be in
nothing but survival mode,
using just their wits
and their surroundings
to survive what can only
understandably be viewed
as the apocalypse.
- These people are so blasted!
- Why aren't your lips moving?
- Isn't that your sister?
- Are my eyes still there?
- We're in Texas.
- Come on, come on, come on.
Yeah get back, come on, come on.
(horns honking)
(wind howling)
- [Sam] But look at them all.
These are my people.
They all want me, finally,
this whole town wants
me, they need me.
You can do this, Sam,
your day has come!
(farting)
- Hey!
I'm all out of bullets,
I'm going hand to hand!
- What are we going to do?
- Why don't we just
film ourselves dying?
- That's a great idea, buddy.
- Alright, I'm going
to draw them away.
I'm going that way, you guys.
Get o the streets, try
to get out of town.
- Sam, no, you don't
have to do this!
- Pam, I'm so sorry.
This is my fault.
Thank you, thank you for
always believing in me.
- Sam, Sam, no, you
don't have to do this.
- I love you.
- Sam!
(yelling)
Sam, Sam, no! - Come on!
Come on!
Let's go!
Come on!
- Go get 'em, Sammy!
- Really?
Why does anyone ever
listen to that guy?
- Come on!
Let's go, come on, here!
Come on!
Here we go, come on!
This way, come on, come on.
I'm delicious, I'm tasty,
come on right over here!
Take a bite of me!
Yeah, yeah alright, yeah
you want some of this!
Yeah!
Muscle, a little bit
of fat for ya, yeah!
I'm a tasty man!
Right here, right here, yeah!
Look at these meaty thighs!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
come on, let's go!
(yelling)
Well, shit.
Yeah, I'm a dead man.
Great idea, Samuel.
Look at this, that kid is
eating his mom's kneecap!
I have never seen
that, oh my God,
I don't even know what
that guy's eating.
What the hell?
Dammit.
Zombie rain?
Figures, now the heavens are
raining production value.
Man, this hurts!
Man, this movie was
going to be beautiful.
Feels good to
finally nail my part.
Eldad?
Nice shot, Eldad.
(speaks in foreign language)
- Sam, Sam!
Sam, you're gonna be okay,
we're gonna get you help.
- I'm sorry, guys, I'm
a shitty filmmaker.
- Yeah, yeah you are.
- What the hell is this?
(yelling)
- We're gonna get you
help, little buddy.
C'mon.
- Come on, come on, come on!
Go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- [Tiffany] Hurry,
he's losing blood.
- Come on now, guys.
Hold up, wait on me!
I got a bad knee!
You sons of bitches!
I saved your lives
about 12 times tonight!
C'mon now!
(laughing)
- [Sam] I always knew this
town would be the death of me.
- What's this?
A red carpet premiere
into the great beyond?
Nope.
Turns out getting
bit just hurts,
it doesn't actually
turn you into one.
When the world goes to
shit, it's a gift I say.
What I needed was just
a little chaos to get
my shot, and it happened,
they gave it to me.
I got money, honey
wagons, respect,
20 something interns
happy as hell to get me
some shitty coffee drink.
I don't even like coffee,
I get one every 20 minutes!
God it feels good!
- I am beyond excited!
- Well I play myself,
so that's fun.
- Jojo!
- And that's where I get
to meet my leading man.
(yelling)
- It's the best day of my life,
thank you all so much!
Thank you, Corsicana!
- And spoiler alert,
are you guys expecting?
- Well we were expecting
to keep it a secret.
- I will see you in there!
Come on!
- As I sit here watching this,
it's like it's not me,
it's some different
version of me; an
imposter, it's a fake!
Which it is, I mean,
Ryan Reynolds looks
nothing like me.
I can't help but think
what would have happened
if I had actually gotten
into that shitty festival,
or what would have happened
if I hadn't lied about
the whole damn thing.
Oh well, by the
looks of the reviews,
I'm not getting
the chance to make
Fat Ass Zombies 2 anytime soon.
That's okay, I kind
of had my heart
on making Zombie Space
Vikings 2: The Horny Revenge.
- [Reporter] Parents beware,
the Freedom Cake Challenge
is sweeping social media.
Teenagers are finding
the deadly cakes
that haven't been
turned in and destroyed
by the authorities and are
filming themselves eating them.
This is a very
dangerous situation,
and we urge anyone with
knowledge of any cakes
still not turned in to
report it immediately.
And parents, please
make sure you speak
to your children about the
dangers of these cakes,
and also have Colin
Street Bakery Honey
in your cupboard.
As we reported earlier,
this honey was found
to be the only antidote
for anyone poisoned
by eating the cakes.
(intense rock music)
* It
* Ain't real
* Am I what I'm supposed to be
* I fear
* I'll disappear
* I'm losing touch with myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno
* 'Cause I'm displaced
* It
* Ain't real
* Am I where I'm
supposed to be *
* I fear
* I'll disappear
* I'm losing touch with myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno when to brace myself
* I dunno
* 'Cause I'm displaced
(funky music)
* Better get jumpin'
* Here come the boogeyman
* Better get bumpin'
* Here come the boogeyman
* Better get jumpin'
* Here come the boogeyman
* Better get walkin'
* Here come the boogeyman
* When the boogeyman
lose his heart *
* When the boogeyman,
his eyes get lost *