American Reunion (2012) - full transcript

Yeah, I'll go put him to bed.

R. Kelly always does the trick.

I think Evan may be

developing a rash.

You know, when you rub

the Aquaphor on his tush,

you can't just

put it on his cheeks,

you have to rub it

all over the anus, too.

All over the anus, got it.

I think I'm going

to take a bath, okay?

Okay, babe. Go for it.

Not this time.

Okay, come on, come on, come

on, come on, come on. Okay.

Yep.

Oh, yeah, you like

it nasty, don't you?

Oh, I do. I do, I'm sorry.

Guilty as charged.

God, you're so big, it hurts.

I know, I can't help it.

Oh, yeah!

Give it to me, daddy. Oh, yeah.

Give it to me, daddy.

Give it to me... Oh, yeah.

Daddy?

Evan! What the...

You're opening doors now?

How did...

I saw a monster. A what?

Stick your

finger in my asshole.

God.

Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!

Come on, come on, come on.

Fuck, yeah!

I want you to come

all over my...

Oh, my God!

Evan, don't touch that!

Don't...

Daddy, boo-boo.

What the...

Oh, my God.

Okay, don't move. Stay here.

Daddy needs a Band-Aid.

Michelle?

Do you...

Mommy, Daddy, are you okay?

Jim Levenstein.

They still haven't gotten

you an assistant yet, huh?

Kev, I'm sorry, I've been

meaning to call you back.

I've just been... Busy?

I get it.

Look, I'll make

this quick, okay?

The reunion, you in?

Hold on, is that

really happening?

Yeah, man, check your Facebook.

Look, I know they missed

the ten-year by a couple,

but, you know, seems like

people are actually going.

Hey, hon. Hey!

Mmm. Dinner smells great.

Hey, Ellie.

Hey, Jim.

Ooh, Bachelorette finale later.

And don't forget, we still

have to watch Real Housewives.

Yeah, how could I forget?

Hey, Kev, you know who

my favorite housewife is?

You.

Very funny.

Look, I love my wife, but I

need a weekend with the guys.

Come on, we'll go a few days early.

No Stifler this time.

Just you, me, Oz and Finch.

Yeah, well,

good luck with that.

I heard Finch's mom doesn't

even know where he is.

And what about Oz?

I mean, do you really think he would

come with all he has going on?

And we're back

here on Sports View,

with my special guest,

Chad Ochocinco.

Chad, which college

football powerhouse

is gonna have the most players

drafted in this year's draft?

I'm gonna have to go with my

alma mater, the Oregon State.

Come on, man!

What are you smoking, Ocho?

You think I don't know

what I'm talking about?

Do me a favor,

take a look at the tape.

Hey, babe, I'm home!

And that wraps it up for my

special guest, Chad Ochocinco.

This is Chris Ostreicher reminding

you to play on, plava!

Hey, Mia?

Oh, my gosh! So funny.

Oh, hey, baby!

Hi!

I was just watching

your show a minute ago.

Oh, yeah?

Is everything okay?

You tell me. You're in the

hot tub with another dude.

You are worried about Deshaun?

Aw, that is so cute!

Deshaun's the interior

decorator I told you about.

Hey, Christopher!

Strip down! Come join us.

Maybe next time, Deshaun.

I still don't get why we

need an interior decorator.

Because the place needs to look

perfect for the InStyle shoot.

Babe, trust me.

Remember how you didn't wanna go

on Celebrity Dance Off at first?

Now think of all

the fans you have.

Oh! I almost forgot, Mario Lopez

is having a Memorial Day party.

I told him we're in.

Actually,

I was thinking about going

to my high school

reunion that weekend.

Well, if you're going,

I'm going, too.

Really? Yeah.

All right.

Mia, love, phone call.

It's Rumer.

Oh, shit, let me talk to her.

What's with you jacking

my style, bitch?

Anything I can

get for you, Christopher?

Uh...

Morning, co-workers

and cock-jerkers!

Reggie, give me some love.

Looking good, Stifler.

Ladies, better be working hard,

you weren't hired

for your looks.

Actually, you were.

Not you.

Seriously?

Bob, what are you doing here?

Don't you know

they fired your ass?

What?

I'm just fucking with you.

Or am I?

Hey!

Coffee for the pretty lady?

Sure, thanks.

Let me know if you want

some creamer with that.

Hello, you. How are you?

"Oh, I'm good, Stifmeister,

'cause you know what?

'Cause you're the best."

"Oh, I am the best."

"Yes, you are the..."

"You know, I love you so much that I'm

going to just have some fun down here."

"Oh, yeah, yeah..."

What the hell are you doing?

Jesus Christ!

Shit, sorry, Mr. Duraiswamy

It's... I was just...

Huh?

That's good, it's all clean.

I told you to print out the morning

numbers and put them on my desk,

and you're making

yourself at home?

No, I just thought...

"I just thought..."

I don't pay you to think.

You are a temp.

Yeah, about that. I feel like I'm

being way underutilized here.

Oh, you do, do you?

Thank you for telling

me how you feel.

Do you mind if I

tell you how I feel?

I feel the sooner you realize

that you're the bitch,

not the boss,

the better off you will be.

Fucker. What was that?

Nothing!

Nothing, Mr. Duraiswamy.

Fucker!

You know, we still haven't

discussed the whole

bathtub incident.

Huh? Oh, that? That's...

That? Don't worry about that.

Well, I mean,

you know, obviously,

I would prefer it

if I was the one

that made you

feel that way, but...

I know how you feel.

Every time I want to shop online

and I start typing "Amazon,"

Amazing what?

Okay, look, obviously

we need to have

more fun together.

I promise you, this weekend,

there is going to be plenty of

Jim and Michelle time, okay?

Hey!

Hello, sweetheart.

How are you? Oh!

- It's so good to see you.

- Hey, Dad.

Hello, son! Come here.

Hi! Hi!

Oh, no! Look who that is!

Look at this big bruiser!

Oh, my goodness!

- He has grown.

- Look at him! Huh?

Someone's got

a little poopy diaper.

Jim?

I can't believe it's you.

You don't remember me, do you?

Uh...

Remember Teletubby Tuesdays?

Kara?

Oh, my God.

What? You're not

a kid any more.

It's been a long time since

I needed a babysitter.

I can't believe how

much you've grown up.

Thanks!

It's actually my 18th

birthday tomorrow.

Eighteen, wow.

You should come to my party.

Oh, uh...

Thank you, no. I...

Yeah, that might be difficult.

Please, I want you

to come so bad.

Hey, Kara! We gotta go.

Okay, relax.

That's AJ. Don't ask.

Hopefully I will

see you tomorrow.

- What?

- Who the fuck was that?

Hey, sweetie.

Hey.

Who were you talking to?

That was just

the kid next door.

Hello, my old friends.

I thought about

throwing them out,

but they just have

too much sentimental value.

Yeah.

Oh, Jim, Jim, Jim.

You know, I can remember when

you were just a little guy.

And now you've got

your own little guy.

I know.

And before you know it,

he's gonna be a teenager...

Wow.

And you'll be teaching him

about masturbation

and, you know, all the

do's and all the don'ts

that have to do with

the little guy's weenie.

Right? Okay?

Hopefully, it'll be more of a bratwurst

by the time he's a teenager...

Okay, Dad, I get it.

...but I'm just...

Well, these are things you're

gonna have to deal with.

I understand. It's just,

you know, he's two.

Well, yeah, maybe

you've got time, but..

So, you know, I just, I'd rather

not talk about his penis.

How you doing, Dad? I'm good.

Yeah? What are you doing for fun?

You seen any movies lately?

Well, you know, your mother and

I did go to a lot of movies.

Well...

You know, it has been three

years since she passed, Dad.

There's gotta be someone in

town you can see a movie with.

I have you now.

We'll see a movie tonight, you and me.

Tonight?

Well, I made plans

with the guys

to meet up with them

tonight at the bar... Oh.

But... Yeah, yeah...

But I don't need to do that.

I can do that tomorrow.

No. No, no, no, no.

This is why you're in town, isn't it?

No, no, no.

You go. I'll be fine.

I was just planning

on staying in tonight

and, you know,

doing a little reading.

Oh, not this. No. No.

Although, I do remember reading

a very interesting article

on something Brazilian.

Boy, these pages are all

stuck together here.

I got it.

Kev.

Hey!

What's up, man? Jim.

Hey, guys!

Oz. There he is.

You made it.

Hey, I missed your wedding,

I wasn't gonna miss this.

Hey, buddy. What's up, pal?

Good to see you. Yeah, man.

Hey, Kev!

Looking good, look at you!

Oh, stop it. Come on.

Gentlemen.

Finch? Finch!

Oh, my God!

It great to see you, James.

Changed at all, Jim.

Good to see you, pal.

I didn't think you

were gonna make it.

Finch, how are you, man?

So, after my troubles in Beijing,

I just moved to Dubai,

and then I got all caught up in the

world of underground baccarat.

Spent the rest of '09 living

with this African tribe.

Oh, they made me

an honorary tribesman.

Oh.

Whoa, that looks like it hurt.

It looks like that

because it did hurt, Kevin.

Since then, I've just been

biking through South America.

So, basically, you are the most

interesting man in the world.

Yeah. Let me guess,

you guys are here

for the reunion, huh?

You got it. Class of '99.

Haven%I seen you before?

Yeah, I'm on TV.

No, not you. You.

'Cause, your face,

you're just so familiar.

Yeah! Yeah, this is you, right?

Oh! Man, Nadia!

More, more, you bad boy!

I swear I had these all taken down.

How did you...

Oh, yeah. How many times did

you pre-ejaculate again?

Oh, leave him alone.

I bet you were all desperate

virgins back then.

Selena Vega.

That's Selena Vega in front of us.

Wait, wait, wait, Selena...

Hold on, Michelle's

friend from band?

You got it.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry

I didn't recognize you.

You look

different.

Well, next round's

on me, okay, guys?

Hey, that chick was in band?

This is the first long weekend

I have had in a while

so I wanna make it count.

I want the place spotless, and

I want it filled with booze.

And I wanna make sure you're

not around on Sunday night,

'cause I plan on bringing some

ass back from the reunion,

and I wanna tap that without you there.

You got it?

You know, first of all,

Steven, it's my house.

You're lucky I'm

letting you stay here.

Look, you wanted me to

get a job, so I got one.

At least let me have the

house for the weekend.

My house, my rules.

And as for tonight, if you

don't wanna risk coming home

and seeing more of your

mother than you'd like,

I suggest you stay out late.

Gross.

That was really...

Hey, bar wench,

can I get a Budweiser?

Beer down.

What the fuck are you

fuckers doing here?

You made it! Made what?

What are you talking about?

What do you mean?

We sent you an e-mail

about getting together a couple

of days before the reunion.

You know what? I must have put

two F's in "Stifmeister."

What? I'm sorry.

Two F's? You dumbass!

Kev!

Hey, Kevin, is that

a pussy on your face?

Oh, come on!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Nice.

So, Stifler,

you're looking sharp.

What are you up to these days?

I work at JBH Global.

Wow! That's a big-time firm.

What do you do over there?

Oh, you know,

investment stuff.

People wonder why our financial

system's falling apart.

Nice scarf. I see you finally

came out of the closet.

How is your mother, Stifler?

You stay away from

my mom, shitbreak.

Okay, boys,

the past is the past.

We can bury

the hatchet here, huh?

Yeah, fuck it.

Hey, short-shorts!

A round of J?gerbombs for me and my boys!

Go fuck yourself, Stifler.

How the hell does

she know my name?

Lard Arms?

Jesus, Stifler.

Talk about an ugly duckling

turning into a swan, right?

Let me see that.

Oh! Fingered her,

hairy nips, huge boobs.

Oh.

There she is!

The cr?me de my cock.

Blowjob Lipstein.

Her given name

was Loni, Stifler.

She used to call me Big Stiffy.

She was the mouth

that got away.

Last call!

Already? Wait here, guys.

Oh! Man, the Senior Wish List.

Wish List?

I don't remember that.

Oh, yeah, man.

It's that cheesy page in the yearbook

where we all had to write

wishes about our future.

What, did you write something cheesy?

Let's see.

"Chris Ostreicher.

Hopes to coach his son's lacrosse team."

Oh! Isn't that the

sweetest thing?

Well,

I guess I thought

I'd have a family by now.

All right, you wanna hear

what you wrote, Finch?

I do.

"Paul Finch hopes to

find le grand amour."

Yes, true love.

Alas, I have yet to find what you

would call a real relationship.

Right, because banging

Stifler's mom didn't count.

All right, let's see

what you got, Kev.

"Kevin Myers. Hopes to

still be living it up"

"with the amazing

Vicky Lathum."

Oh, man! Vicky! What?

I am sure your wife would

be very happy to read that.

What? I was dating

Vicky at the time.

Let me see what I put.

"Jim Levenstein"

"hopes to have the

sex life of Ricky Martin."

So, I'm assuming you didn't

know he was gay back then.

Jim, it's a good thing

you found a woman

with the sex drive

of a dozen groupies. Hmm?

I mean, you're probably having

more sex than any of us.

Probably, you know.

Hope you guys are thirsty.

Stifler Claus is here.

Whoa! Stifler, that's a little

too much, don't you think?

Dude, find your balls

and return them to your sack.

I say we keep this party going.

I say we make this

weekend our bitch.

We could party together, do all the

same shit that we used to do together.

It'll be just like old times.

Hell yes! That's why I'm here.

No Bachelorette,

no Real Housewives.

Thing is, you only get one

chance at your 13th reunion.

I was kind of hoping to spend

a little time with the wife.

Fuck! Dude!

James? What? Come on!

I mean, I'm in. Of course I'm in.

Come on, what?

Yeah! Yeah.

Then, gentlemen, I hope you're

all wearing protection,

because this weekend,

we're gonna fuck shit up!

- Cheers!

- Yeah! All right!

What the fuck?

Holy shit.

Hey!

Hi.

What happened?

I don't really remember.

I blame you. How much did you

let him drink last night?

Honestly, not that much.

Well, we gotta clean this up

before we go to the lake.

What? The lake?

Yeah, the lake, dude.

It was your idea.

We discussed

all this last night.

Oh, the lake!

Yes, of course, the...

Hey, Jim, can you hand me

those paper towels, please?

Oh, those paper towels?

The paper ones.

Uh...

The paper towels, Jim.

Jim! Yeah...

The paper towels!

I'm really sorry.

Jim, you do realize that

the lid is see-through, right?

Oh, wow.

Good eye.

That's the father of my child.

Oh, come on!

Hey, watch it! Okay, jeez.

Am I wrong, or was this place a lot

more fun when we were younger?

No, no. I think it's the same.

We're just old now.

But were we just as obnoxious

as these kids back in the day?

No.

Us, our generation,

we were more mature.

Hey, guys, check it out.

Vagina shark!

He touched my snatch!

I take that back.

Oh, my God.

Fellas, do you gotta stare?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, we do need to stare.

Could Jim be any more obvious?

Oh, give him a break.

I mean, it's not every day you get to see

a model walking around off the page.

There hasn't been

a whole lot of sexy time

in the Levenstein

household lately.

Why not?

I don't know. I'm a mom now.

Oh, please!

Just because you're

a mom doesn't mean

there isn't a whole other side to you.

Hey, remember that

one time at band camp,

when we licked whipped cream

off each other's...

Yes! Yes! I remember.

Let's keep that

in the past, though, okay?

Oh, she's...

Sideboob. There... Sorry.

Sideboob. Ozzy, look!

Okay! Come on!

You're a lucky man, Oz.

Oh, come on, guys.

I think we're all pretty

lucky.

Wait, is that Heather?

Yeah, it is.

Heather.

Chris!

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I guess we had

the same idea, huh?

Chris, this is Ron,

my boyfriend.

Chris Ostreicher, Ron Douglas.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

How do you do?

Ron's a cardiologist

at my hospital.

A cardiologist. Wow.

Yeah. And, hey, listen, my friends call

me Doctor Ron, D-Ron or just Dron.

So you feel free.

Okay.

Hey, fuckface!

Choir chick! Whoa!

Nice to see you, too, Stifler.

Who's this douche?

I'm her boyfriend.

So, you two are banging,

and you two used to bang.

This must be awkward

for all of you.

It is now.

That little shit took my top!

Give it back!

Um, that's my girlfriend.

What's this? What's this?

Hey, kid!

What do you think you're doing?

Hey!

Come on, come on, let's go!

Come on, guys. Not cool!

What're you assholes gonna do about it?

Well, that was interesting.

Well, should we do something?

What are we gonna do? Come on.

Agreed. There's no need

to stoop to their level.

Fuck that!

I know exactly

where they're going.

Stifler?

Where the hell is he?

Guys, this is stupid.

I really can't keep Michelle waiting.

Can we just head back?

Hold on.

Let Stifler do his thing.

Yeah, that's what

I'm afraid of.

Did you guys see

the look on their faces?

Fucking awesome.

He is crazy.

I think one of those guys

was Kara's babysitter.

Which one?

You know, the one that

looked like Adam Sandler.

Stifler better not

do anything crazy.

All he's gonna do

is tell them off.

I thought he was gonna

cut their jet skis free.

What happened to pissing

in their suntan lotion?

Hold on. He told me he was

going to steal their beer.

Stifler.

Oh, wait. There he is.

All right.

Yep, he's taking their beer.

All right, hurry up,

Stifler. Come on.

What is he doing?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Wait.

Oh, my God.

Steven! No!

Oh, God.

Yo, so you really think Kara's

gonna give it up tonight?

She was waiting until she turns 18.

You do the math.

The only math I know is you've added

your penis to her vagina zero times.

Jennifer's not a skank.

Dude, yes, she is.

I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, my God. That's disgusting.

What're you doing?

Hurry up. Come on!

Down it, man!

Just chug it! Chug it!

Do it. Do it! Don't puss out.

Don't puss out!

Let's just go. Let's go.

Go, go. Go, go, go, go. Go, go.

You want another?

For sure.

Guys, I'm telling you, tonight is gonna

be the night she promised me a year ago.

What the...

Hey! Dipshit!

No!

No, no!

Stifler! Are you crazy?

Jesus, Stifler, what happened

to just stealing their beer?

I know, this is so

much better, right?

What?

You destroyed their jet skis.

They splashed us.

So...

Come on, guys.

That was pretty funny.

Maybe in high school it was funny.

Now it's just a felony.

Only if we get caught.

Yeah, you gotta admit, it was nice

giving those kids a little payback.

Maybe it was good that they will

learn to respect their elders.

Exactly!

Hey, give me a second, I gotta

find some toilet paper.

That's gross.

What's up, Class of '99-ers?

Oh, my God! Vicky!

Hi!

Hey!

I can't believe you're here.

Yeah, I flew in from

New York last night.

I've been hanging

outwith my parents.

They were actually just

talking about you earlier.

Really? About what?

That time they caught us

making out at the Falls.

Oh, right.

The Falls. Wow, I haven't

been there in forever.

Michelle used to lov

going to the Falls.

The place is romance incarnate.

Hell, yeah.

I got my first rim job at the Falls.

Okay.

Hey, sweetie.

Mmm, sweetie pie!

Hello.

So, the guys were all talking

about heading over to the Falls.

Well, what about

Jim and Michelle time?

I was thinking it could

be kind of romantic.

Well, I'd love to, but your

dad has been with Ev all day.

Yeah, no, you're right.

Okay. Yeah, we'll

just, we'll go home.

Oh, no, no.

You go and have fun.

Really? Yeah.

Just, when you get home,

you just better be ready.

You better be ready.

I'm ready.

Um, Stifler, do you know

where you're going?

I know this place

like the back of my cock.

It looks like

a high school party.

With high school chicks.

It's on.

Watch it, Stifler. You know these

girls are, like, half your age.

I know.

Okay, is it just me, or do girls

today seem a bit sluttier?

Definitely.

Teen sex, rainbow parties,

sexting nude photos...

I saw it all on

Kathie Lee & Hoda.

Happy birthday!

Jim?

Kara. You came!

Hey!

Sorry.

Happy birthday.

Oh, my God,

is this the babysitter?

Mmm-hmm.

You make it sound like I'm a superhero.

Faster than a speeding stroller,

more powerful than a mini-van.

I told you he was funny.

He's adorable.

Hey, Jim. Do you wanna

introduce me to your friends?

No.

Girls, this is Stifler.

So, how do you know

my best friend Jim?

Jim used to be my babysitter.

Hey, I was just

gonna do a birthday shot.

Do you guys

wanna do one with me?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah. Oh, ye& yes, yes.

I shouldn't.

Yes, we should, yes, we should.

Never have I ever

had sex in public.

Really? None of you?

Oh, come on, Heather.

You haven't drank once.

You are such a prude!

Or maybe I've just

never had sex in public.

Okay, never have I

ever been in an orgy.

They were really nice guys.

Believe it or not, this is

my first highschool party.

You didn't miss much.

I always preferred staying at

home, throwing on a little NPR.

You were so much

cooler than me.

I sat around writing

X-Files fan fiction.

I translated The Brothers

Karamazov into Latin for fun.

That is so sexy.

You know it is.

I've only been

working as an architect

for the last few years,

and from home.

You've been with the same

company for over ten years.

That's awesome, it sounds like

everything is working out for you.

Yeah. I mean, everything's

good, especially work-wise.

But now that we're

back here in the town,

and we see, like,

all of our old friends,

and everyone's married

and having kids,

it just makes me,

you know, think.

You okay there, Kev?

Yeah, I just don't

normally drink like this.

You're telling me you haven't

gotten a little bit tipsy

on Myers Family Wine Night?

I see somebody's been

stalking my Facebook page.

At least I don't take

pictures of my meals.

Who's stalking who now?

Okay, so I've been by your

page maybe once or twice.

You were dating someone

named Alessandro?

You know, he does know that he can take

a picture with his shirt on, right?

Alessandro is long gone.

It's over, huh?

Okay, after this drink,

I have to go home.

Jim.

There's a smoking hot 18-year-old girl

over there that you used to babysit.

And you're not going to

do anything about that?

Need I remind you that

I am married to Michelle?

Exactly.

Dude, these young chicks, they know

some crazy shit in the bedroom.

You could take what

you learn from Kara,

bring it home,

and apply it to Michelle.

You do care about your

marriage, don't you, Jim?

What are you talking

about, Stifler?

I'm not gonna cheat on my wife!

I'm a father

for Christ's sakes.

Yeah, that's perfect.

Yeah, chicks love a father figure.

Keep playing that card, dude.

It's not a card,

it's the truth.

Hey. Hi.

What are you guys

talking about?

Oh, you know... Just?

Jim was just saying how much

fun he had taking care of you.

Hey, ladies, why don't we give

them some time to catch up?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, after you.

No, that's not necessary.

We should all hang out together.

Why don't we all...

Stifler, just...

Be her daddy.

Stifler? Stifler!

So, sounds like you and Mia have

quite an adventurous lifestyle.

Sometimes a little

too adventurous.

Wow. Well, Heather's a bit

more on the conservative side.

But, uh...

Hey! Hi.

But, I gotta be honest, Chris, I

could use a little adventure myself.

What are you getting at, Ron?

I'm just saying that usually

I'm not one for swapping,

but the fact that you've been with

Heather already, kind of makes it okay.

So, what do you think?

Think they'd be into it?

I'm kidding.

Come on, I'm kidding!

Seriously,

I would never do that!

Unless you guys wanted to.

So you've really been to every

country in South America?

No, no, not all of them.

And I don't consider

French Guiana a nation.

I remember, I couldn't

wait till graduation

so I could leave this town

and reinvent myself.

You have certainly

reinvented yourself.

I don't know.

There's just a part of me

that still wishes that

I could just explore

the world, you know?

Be everything I set out to be.

You can be whoever you wanna be.

You just gotta be it.

You wanna make out? Yeah.

Are you crazy?

I love the Twilight books.

New Moon is my favorite.

Mine, too!

Oh, my God!

We have, like, so much in common!

I know! I know!

Wanna hit this?

In more ways than one.

I don't know who this is, but

I'm pretty fucking busy right now.

So sorry to interrupt, Stafler.

Didn't realize the Special

Olympics competed at night.

Oh, fuck.

What the hell's

going on over there?

What, are you choking

on your own dick?

Nothing, Mr. Duraiswamy,

nothing.

What can I do for you, sir?

Bob from Acquisitions

had a heart attack.

Some idiot told him

that he was fired.

He flipped out, I don't know.

Listen, I need someone

to finish his presentation.

I need you to go in on Sunday

and get everything ready. Yes?

Oh, wait, Sunday.

I got my high school reunion.

Oh, wow, how fun!

Yeah, no, I'll just

call the chairman,

and I'll get him to reschedule.



740

00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:34,248

Seriously?

Hey, that would be awesome!

That was a fucking joke, you moron.

Jesus Christ, what am I doing?

You know what, I am gonna

handle this myself.

No. No, no, no,

listen, Mr. Duraiswamy,

I can do it, okay?

I promise, I'll get it done.

Just don't fuck up, Stafler.

It's Stifler.

Dick! Hey, ladies...

Ladies? They bailed, dude.

Aw, fuck!

Ugh! Um...

Ooh!

Hey, Kara, how are you

getting home tonight?

AJ was supposed to

drive my car back,

but he hasn't

even shown up yet.

Some lame excuse

about his jet skis.

Can you believe that jerk?

What about you?

Will you take me?

Uh... Um...

Come on! We're going

to the same place.

Besides, it wouldn't

be responsible

to let me drive

in this condition.

Right?

Okay, Kara.

Hey! Whoa! Careful!

Careful. Yeah.

Oh, my God, I love this song.

It's a good one.

Isn't classic rock the best?

Classic rock?

This is classic rock now?

Hey, you know, Kara, you

should drink some more water.

Where's that bottle I gave you?

Oh, it's right here. Okay.

In the back.

- Shit. Sorry. Sorry.

- There was a...

There was a little baby

squirrel in the road, so...

Whoa! Hey! Whoa!

That's not water. Okay.

It's a little too much now.

I love how, after all these years,

you're still taking care of me.

Well, you know, a

babysitter's job never ends.

You knew I always

had a crush on you, right?

No.

I want you to be my first.

Your first?

Oh, God. Okay. Um...

Kara, listen. Um...

A person's virginity is

something sacred, you know?

You should save yourself

for someone special.

You're special.

No! Not special.

You think? I really...

What are you doing?

Hey, what are you doing?

Come on. No one

will ever find out.

I don't know. I don't think...

You don't think I'm pretty?

Huh? Oh, no! You're very pretty, Kara.

You're very, very...

Really? Yes, very pretty.

But I... Very pretty. Thanks.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit! What?

Oh, my... Where did your...

Come on.

I can't think of

a better birthday gift.

What about the new iPhone?

Huh? Maybe a little pendant?

The new Nicki Minaj album?

No. No? Boobies.

I want you! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You can't... Don't do that.

That's not good, don't...

Come on, stop

Kara! Kara! Stop it.

Shit!

Whoa!

Shit. Kara?

Holy Jesus! Kara?

Kara! Kara!

Please wake up, Kara!

Kara, wake up. Kara!

Are you okay?

Oh, Jesus, God!

Oh, my God, are you all right?

Hey, hi.

Jim? Hey!

What? This is crazy!

Are you all right?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm okay. I was just... Um...

I was reaching for something.

Everything's okay.

Everything's fine.

I don't know if you've heard.

Mmm?

Did you hear?

I am in charge of the reunion.

Oh! Yeah, no, that's...

Yeah, that's right.

Got a whole '90s theme planned.

Oh. That's...

I booked Chumbawamba.

Yeah. But the pricks

cancelled yesterday.

Was a setback, but you know me,

"I get knocked down but I

get up again."

Oh, my God!

Okay, I see what's going on.

Yep.

I'll see you later, buddy.

All right then, I'll see you.

Jesus, God. Kara.

Kara, wake up.

I just need a nap. What?

Kara, this isn't time

for a nap. Kara, wake up.

This isn't napping time.

Kara? Shit.

Oh, God, this is bad.

This is very, very bad.

What took you guys so long?

We were looking for Kevin.

Couldn't find him.

Plus, that hot piece of ass Oz is banging

got wasted, so we had to drop her off.

You brought him?

Of course they brought me.

When you guys were busy

jacking off in high school,

I was running this

drill every weekend.

Now, let's see what

we are dealing with.

Oh!

Holy shit!

Way to go, Jim.

Shh. Okay, nothing happened, Stifer. Okay?

Nothing happened.

Stop that!

I'm sorry.

So, Jim, what do you wanna do?

I don't know.

I can't just leave her

here naked, you know?

I mean, if the cops come by

and find out I'm involved,

I'm screwed.

That leaves us

with two options.

We dump the body or

we sneak her inside.

Dump the body?

This isn't a mob hit.

Okay, wait a second.

I have been in her house

a million times to babysit.

I can totally sneak her in

through the back door.

I need you guys to

distract her parents.

Do you think you can do that?

I'm an expert, Jim.

Trust me. I got this shit.

Good evening, sir.

My friend's car broke down,

and we were just wondering if we

could use your phone to call AAA.

You mean to tell me that none

of you have cell phones?

Oh, my God, I know you.

You were on Celebrity Dance Off.

Oh, yeah!

Ostreicher.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, come on in.

That was very smooth, Stifler.

Shut up, shitbreak.

The last time I did this,

cell phones didn't exist.

Shit!

Daddy.

Look, Mom, Daddy!

Shit!

Oh, fuck!

Kara?

Kara?

Kara?

Gonna have to find me.

Kara?

Thank you, Sheranda.

You've been very helpful.

You get a Triple

A-plus in my book.

Oh, you take care, too.

Okay, yeah, bye-bye.

So, that was AAA on the phone and

they should be here in a jiffy.

Does this song sound familiar?

You were such a good dancer.

I felt so bad when you got voted off.

Thank you.

But I have to say you're

much sexier in person.

Okay. Calm down there, Susan.

Dude, she wants to fuck

you big time, dude.

You got to hit that.

No fucking way.

Do it for Jim, dude,

don't be selfish.

Hey, you know what?

I think I have to go to the bathroom.

Kara, this is not funny.

Kara, come on! Kara, come out.

Boo!

Oh, my God!

Come on. Okay, good.

You never could find me.

Jim, I don't mean to alarm you

but you don't have much time.

Yes, I know.

I like your scarf. Okay.

I like your breasts Door.

Would it be okay

if I get a picture?

Sure.

I know it's in here somewhere.

Okay, a bottle of hair spray...

You guys all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know something?

I really was admiring how clean

your toilet was in your bathroom.

Thanks.

You know what?

I have to use the restroom, too.

No, you don't.

Let's get in bed.

Come on and get in bed with me?

No, I'm not getting in bed...

Come on. Get in bed with me.

No, I'm not... Kara, please.

Oh, God. Please.

Oh, shit!

Stifler, what are

you doing here?

I just wanted another glimpse.

No.

Why'd you put her clothes

back on, dude? Boo.

You have to go.

What was that?

That sounded like

it came from outside.

No, that came from Kara's room.

Oh, Jesus.

Kara?

Oh, my God.

Go, go, go!

What the hell's

going on in here?

Hi, Daddy.

How'd you get back in?

I don't remember.

You don't remember?

What was that sound?

I don't know.

What do you mean,

you don't know?

I don't know.

You've been drinking,

haven't you?

No.

Kara, I told you these boys

try to get you drunk

so they can take

advantage of you.

I'm old enough

to know that, Dad.

Yeah, well, I don't

want to go to jail

for kicking some

horny kid's teeth in

but I will, believe me.

What is that?

Oh, that's Mr. Moo!

Will you get him for me,

Daddy? Please.

I can't be mad at my angel.

Happy birthday, princess.

Thanks, Dad.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Oh, jeez.

Stifler?

Stifler?

Up here, dude.

I told you I was an expert.

Oh, shit.

What the hell is going on now?

Hey.

Want to go to

a Justin Bieber concert?

Uh... Jim?

Stifler, come on. Come on!

Let's go.

You and you, stay here.

Don't push me.

Whoa! Oh, my God.

Ah!

Kara, where the hell are you?

I'm on my way to

your place and...

What the...

Fuck!

What the hell is going on?

Oh, God!

Hey, stud.

I thought you'd never...

Oh, shit, shit.

We were supposed to...

No, it's fine.

What? No, God, it's not fine.

Shoot! I'm so sorry, Michelle.

I really... I wanted to, I just...

I'm going to drop

Ev at my grandma's

and I'll be back

this afternoon.

No, Michelle, hold on.

Jim, I'm worried.

What are you worried about?

Just we're like so out of sync.

I just...

I don't know how much longer

we can go on like this.

I promise you I will do everything

I can to make it up to you.

Okay?

Stifler's having

a party tonight.

Okay, I know that doesn't

sound romantic or anything,

but remember our first time

was at a Stifler party.

You made me your bitch.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Tell me when, okay?

What the fuck?

Mmm.

So, Mia.

She's a free spirit.

She's something else.

Yeah, she is.

Wait a minute, do I sense

a little jealousy there?

No. Mmm-mmm. No?

Hey, don't forget, you were

the one who broke up with me

before you went to med school.

Hey, you were moving to LA

with no return in sight.

You can't blame me for

wanting to settle down.

No, I don't.

I just don't

want you to settle.

Look who's jealous now.

I wouldn't call being

with Ron "settling."

Oh, no, he's gorgeous on paper.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Um...

I'm sorry. You're right.

I am a bit jealous.

You know, it's funny.

In some ways, you've

completely changed,

and, in other ways,

you're exactly the same.

Heather, you can believe this,

nothing's changed.

Oh, my God.

Chris Ostreicher?

Hi, girls.

Can I get a pic?

Sure.

Dad?

Oh, hey, Dad. Hey, Jim.

I'm just going to

run out for a sec.

I was just watching

your old Bar Mitzvah tape.

I got your Jew scarf!

Give it back, Stifler.

I think I'm the happiest man

in the world thanks to you.

Yeah, I miss her too, Dad.

I know.

Dad, you've always been

there to give me advice.

But if there's anything

that you want to talk about,

I'm here for you.

Yeah, I don't think

there's anything

I really need

to talk about, Jim.

Do you think maybe

it's time for you to

meet someone else?

Dad, it's okay.

What you're going through

is perfectly natural.

You know, there are

services out there...

Services? Yeah.

Like what?

A happy ending? What's that?

Because I won't go there.

Oh, my God.

I don't need that...

I don't need that kind of massage, Jim.

That's not what I was...

Because, you know what,

it's dangerous.

And you can pick things up.

You don't even wanna know

what you can pick up.

Talk to your uncle Mort.

I'd rather not.

He was in the hospital

for two weeks.

That's disgusting.

I was talking about

online dating services.

No, Jim.

Yeah, right, at my age?

I don't think so.

I've been out of

the game for so long.

There wasn't even

a game back then.

Dad, don't worry.

I'll hook you up.

Do you have those photos?

Here you go.

Wow.

Yeah. Oh.

We might need something

a little more recent.

Do you think?

Do you have something

that's a bit sexier?

Gotcha.

Did you...

Favorite music.

Um...

Herman's Hermits.

Okay.

Oh...

Girls, one at a time, please.

Interests and hobbies.

Sudoku.

We'll come back to this oe.

Are we sure we're

not taking off too much?

These caterpillars are

kind of my trademark.

Okay... Perfect.

Take a look. I'm nervous.

Oh, that's fantastic!

That is a great look for me!

Huh?

Leaner lines.

I still have mobility.

Why didn't I do

this 30 years ago?

Looking good.

Why don't we test this

new look out tonight?

Oh, um...

The thing is, Stifler is

throwing a party tonight.

Oh! Well, another time.

But you could come with us.

It would be nice to

get out of the house.

I do have to warn you, though,

Stifler's parties

can get a little.

Wild.

What the fuck is this?

Who the hell changed the music?

Sorry, we thought this

was more baby-friendly.

Didn't we? Yes, we did.

Stifmeister!

Ch!

Bluck!

Chester!

What have you

cock-smokers been up to?

Well, we just got engaged.

Yeah.

What? That's so fucking gay.

Yeah, Stifler, we are gay.

Half the lacrosse team was gay.

You must have

known that, right?

Dude, you walked in on Doug

and Barry in the shower.

I just thought

they were wrestling.

Oh.

Are we sure this is Stifler's?

Ooh!

Hors d'oeuvres!

Why don't you give

this to our host, son?

Hmm.

Oh, my God! Look who it is.

Hey.

Sorry for interrupting

you guys last night.

Bravo, by the way.

Most wives stop doing that

after they get the ring.

What are you talking about?

Did you change your hair color?

So, is your buddy, the other

MILF guy, here tonight?

I thought you always come

to these things together.

Let's just say that friendship

is a two-way street.

Excuse me.

Mmm.

Could this party get any lamer?

It's not so bad.

You want some E?

No. Why do you have that?

No one else here

probably has any.

Are you sure you

don't want one?

Yeah.

No... Yes.

No.

Okay. Fine. More for me, then.

And there they are.

Finchy.

There you guys are. Look around.

Can you believe this shit?

Yeah, man. Nice work.

For you.

What the hell am I

supposed to do with this?

That's called wine, Stifler.

No, no, no, no,

not at my party.

I'm going to get us some shots.

Hey, Kev.

Can I talk to you

guys for a sec?

Yeah, sure. Wait here,

I'll be right back.

So, you brought the goods?

Right here.

I want to see.

What the...

Where did those fuckers go?

Hello, Steven.

Mr. Levenstein. Yes.

You made it.

It is so great to see

all you kids back in town.

Hmm.

And what a terrific soiree

you're throwing here tonight.

Just wonderful!

You know what?

I'm going to get you fucked up.

Hmm? Have a shot.

Oh! No, no, no.

I don't think so, Steven.

I'm not much of a drinker.

Drink it. Drink it!

Drink it! No, I can't.

Drink it! Drink it!

Awesome! Let's do another one.

I don't think so.

Look, Kev, you don't know for

sure if anything happened.

I woke up next to her in bed,

and all our clothes were off.

I mean, whatever happened,

I feel guilty.

Kevin, in France,

it's only considered cheating if

your wife catches you in the act.

She's here.

I gotta go.

All right, get ready.

Wait for it. Wait for it!

Wait for it!

Here she comes!

Yeah!

Fuck yeah, Mr. Levenstein!

The name is Noah, motherfucker.

Mmm.

Feel the sofa.

It's so smooth.

It feels like a Smurf's ass.

Did you feel it?

Okay. Mia, can you...

Hey, guys. Sorry we're late.

Hi.

Hey, I got a treat for everybody.

I picked something up.

Celebrity Dance Off, Season Six.

My man, Chris Ostreicher.

Oh, my God.

We have to watch this.

Who wants to see my

baby shake his booty?

I know I do.

JDate? You have

to be kidding me.

If you want quality vag, you

have to go out into the wild.

"Vag"?

What is that, a half a vagina?

You know, in my day

we called it a beaver.

And let me tell you something,

I snagged a pelt or two.

I bet you did.

Dad?

Hey, Jim, your dad is so

much cooler than you.

Stifler, please stop

getting my dad drunk.

No, he's just trying

to get me some vag.

Okay, come on.

Yeah! Hey, hey.

Let the man make

his own decisions.

Stop. Come on.

Don't listen to him.

I want you to dust off

that old dick of yours,

go out there, and get some ass.

Oh! Just go out there.

I think I Will.

Dad, stop, okay?

It's exactly what I'm gonna...

I'm sorry, but you have had a

little too much to drink tonight,

and I'm not letting you...

No, no.

No, son, lhaven%

hardly had one drink.

And you know I love you.

I do love you, but you need to

chillax.

"Chillax"?

Dad, where are you going?

Do you see him? Jim! Jim!

Let him go.

Let him have some fun.

And now we can have some fun.

Come on.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Is this a washroom?

It doesn't even occur to you

that you're self-centered

because you are so

self-centered and...

You know what?

Hold on a second.

Can I help you?

Who might you be?

I'm Stifler's mom.

Oh.

I'm Jim's dad.

Later, fucker.

Oh, my God, this is the most

ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

Dude, you have an amazing body!

Everybody, raise the roof

for Chris Ostreicher!

You have really been

bringing it all season long.

But now it's time, Chris, to see if

America thinks you done brought it.

You ready? Let's do it.

Let's see the results.

What?

Gilbert Gottfried and not you?

Fucking bullshit!

Chris, I'm so sorry, man.

Well, we saw you jam.

Now, it's time to scram.

Do you have any last

thoughts for the audience?

Okay, guys, we can

probably end it there.

What? No, are you kidding?

I haven't seen this.

I think what I've

learned is to be true

to myself,

because that's what

dancing is, it's truth.

And maybe,

if we just danced

a little bit more,

there would be no more wars.

No more war!

Well, that is a thoughtful

take on foreign policy.

Stick around. Hulk Hogan gets

jiggy-friggy, right after this.

You don't want to miss this.

Stick around.

Hey.

If you want my opinion,

I think you got cheated.

Are you okay?

You know,

when you lose something that's important

to you, it doesn't feel very good.

Oz, it's just a show.

I'm not talking about the show.

Hey, Heather, you down there?

Um, coming!

Oh, my God.

Wait here, I'll be right back.

I can't tell you how many times

I walked into Steven's room

and I caught him in the

middle of sex with some girl.

At least he was with

a real, live human girl.

What are you talking about?

I walked into the kitchen once,

and I saw Jim humping a pie.

He turned the damn thing into a

crumble in about two seconds.

I can top that.

I once walked into my bedroom

and I caught Steven sticking

my hairbrush up his ass.

No, and it wasn't

the handle side, either.

Oh!

No, no, no.

A pretty lady like you shouldn't

be drinking quite so much.

And neither should I.

How about a joint, then?

We don't have to wait 13 years

to see each other again.

Yeah, true.

And I guess I could come along

on one of your adventures.

Am I good sidekick material?

Sidekick?

I think you are a lot more

than sidekick material.

Is everything okay?

It's better than ever.

Mmm. Mmm.

Okay, wait, wait.

I don't think we're dressed

appropriately for the occasion.

Put that on.

Wait, where are you going?

To change. Be back soon.

Dudes!

What's up, bro?

Big Stiffy?

Blowjob Lipstein.

Oh, you have to be

fucking kidding me!

Excuse me?

Okay.

What the hell are you doing?

You just expect me to blow you?

Yeah!

I'm out of here.

Wait. Wait, Wait!

Look, I get it.

You're self-conscious

about your body.

Don't worry. I was going to

shut the lights off anyway.

You are the same douchebag

that you were in high school.

You just expect me to do

everything while I get nothing?

Later.

No, no!

Let's make a deal.

I'll get you off,

you get me off.

What do you say?

Fine.

But I am putting you to work.

Holy shit.

Chow time!

There you are!

I've been looking

all over for you.

Listen, we really need to...

What are you doing?

Taking what's mine.

No, I just wanted to hear

the sound of your voice.

Aw, is everything okay?

You seem stressed.

Stressed?

There you are!

No, no, no.

I have to go right now, but I'll

call you back in a little bit.

Okay. And don't worry, I won't

watch Gossip Girl without you.

I miss you, babe.

I miss you, too.

Listen, Vicky,

about last night,

that wasn't me.

With what happened...

I don't know.

It might be normal in your world.

What do you think happened?

Well, all our clothes

were on the floor.

Yeah, because

they were soaking wet

from when you got drunk

and fell in the lake.

I took care of you.

So, we didn't have sex?

Of course not.

Oh, thank God!

I'm glad you think

so highly of me.

No.

Vicky, wait.

Oh, yeah! Oh, my God!

Mia, stop.

9l", my God, yeah!

Mia, get off!

I'm about to! I'm about to!

Heather.

What the hell?

You have something going on

with this skank?

Who are you calling a

skank, you fucking bitch?

Whoa! Whoa!

Stop it! Stop!

Stop it!

OW! What the fuck?

That's my extension, you bitch!

You motherfucker!

No, Mia! Wait a minute!

By the way,

I fucked Mario Lopez!

Ooh...

Okay, it's my turn now.

Uh-uh. Not this time.

Wait, what about our deal?

Now you know how it

feels, Big Stiffy.

Gross!

You didn't actually think I'd

fall asleep again, did you?

As long as you're mine,

I'm happy.

Jesus, Kara.

What are you doing here?

Your creepy friend invited

me and all my girlfriends.

Nice outfit, by the way.

Very kinky.

Oh, shit.

Don't worry. I locked it.

Oh, Jesus.

What the hell kind of freaky

shit is going on in here?

AJ, what are you doing here?

I followed you.

I had to see it with my own eyes.

First you fuck with my jet ski,

then you fuck my girlfriend?

No! God, no! Nothing happened.

You're going down, Sandler.

Sandler? What the...

Jesus Christ!

I'm going to kill you!

Jim, what the fuck

are you wearing?

Hey, I can explain

everything! Jesus!

Come on! Shit!

Get up, gimp!

Come on, I'm not

fighting you, okay?

This is silly. I'm an adult.

Oh, really?

Because to me you look

like a little bitch pussy.

Don't be a pussy, Jim.

Look, AJ, just calm down, okay?

What makes you little fuckers think you can

crash one of the Stifmeister's parties?

Did you just refer to yourself

as "the Stifmeister"?

Because that's the

lamest name ever!

I'm going to fucking kill you.

Bring it on.

Hey, Steve, come on, this is...

Where do you think

you're going?

Don't mess with

the Class of '99, bitch!

Finch!

Don't hurt my friend!

Hey!

Get off my husband,

you little piece of shit!

Oh, crap! It's the fuzz!

We have to get out.

How do you get out?

I need an escape route!

Oh, shit!

You want to be with him?

Fine! He's all yours.

Come on, man!

Jim, what's going on?

I am so sorry for all

of this. I cn explain.

Last night I ran into

Kara, our neighbor.

She was too drunk to drive,

so I drove her home.

And she started taking off her

clothes, and touching my...

Okay, I know it doesn't sound

good, but nothing happened, okay?

I don't care about her at all!

Thanks a lot.

No, no, Kara, wait.

I didn't mean...

Wait, Michelle.

Hold on, hold on.

It's not what you think, okay?

I swear, I was just trying to

do the right thing, and I...

You have to believe

me, Michelle, please.

Whether I believe you or not,

I'm disappointed.

I'm going to stay

with my grandmother.

Hold it, Michelle.

No, Jim.

Hey, the fight's over, guys.

We're not here to stop a fight.

We're here about

that stolen motorcycle.

Looks like the VIN

numbers match up.

Paul Finch.

You're under arrest.

Awesome!

Excuse me, officer.

He won that bike betting on

the World Cup in Argentina.

You made some sort of mistake.

Paul, what's going on?

What is this about?

Paul.

Finch, just tell them.

Paul!

Hey, shitbreak, when you're

getting rammed by your cellmate tonight,

think of Kevin.

Michelle, can I just... Please!

Oh!

Ah!

Dad? Ah!

Dad?

Dad, what are you doing?

You didn't see me!

I'm not here!

I'm not here!

Is he all right?

I don't know.

What are we going

to do about Finch?

Fuck Finch. Let him

spend the night in jail.

Come on, Stifler!

Some friend you are.

What about you guys?

You don't call me,

you don't e-mail,

you don't comment

on my Facebook page.

You guys didn't even let me know you

were coming back for the reunion.

Because we knew, somehow, you would

find a way to screw things up.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jim.

I wanted us to have

a fucking fun time

this weekend,

like we did in high school.

But we're not in

high school any more.

You are so trapped

in the past, Stifler.

When are you going to realize that things

will never b the way they used to be?

Fine.

Guess the party's over.

Dicks.

Well, that was a great party.

I honestly think I had fun.

Well, that makes one of us.

Have you heard from Michelle?

No. She doesn't

want to talk to me.

What about the reunion tonight?

She said she may

or may not come.

What's going on with you two?

Jim, is there anything

you want to talk about?

Okay.

Um...

How often

did you and Mom...

You know?

Is that what this is about?

You and Michelle

haven't been...

Not lately, no.

Oh...

ls it

an erectile problem?

Because sometimes you

can buy a little time

with a well-placed thumb.

Oh, God. I'm just saying.

I don't think that's it.

That's not it?

Oh! That's something to keep in your

back pocket, because that's a no-fail.

Okay, let's be done with that.

No, things in that

department were fine.

And then Evan was born

and we kind of stopped.

And they haven't really

picked up since, you know?

This is not a problem,

so do not worry.

You understand?

Yeah, listen, Jim.

Before you were born,

your mother and I,

we would do it every day.

I don't need this.

Sometimes two or

three times a day.

This is back in the '70s.

A lot of experimentation was going on.

Your mother favored something she

called, "diving for dollars."

Holy shit. I'm sorry,

I don't need...

That's fine, we can...

I don't have to

go on with that.

But my point is, when you have a

kid, you become a dad and a mom.

But it's very important not to

stop being a husband and a wife.

And if you do that,

the sex will come.

That actually

makes a lot of sense.

But you can't just wait for

the two of you to be alone.

You have to make

your own alone time.

Why do you think you went to

Hebrew school three times a week?

Sundays, noon to three?

Tuesdays, four to seven?

Okay, I get it, Dad.

If you get it,

then why the questions?

I'm sorry.

You're going through thi, I am sorry.

I should be listening.

No, I'm overreacting.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Again. Really.

Anytime.

Welcome, you guys.

Listen, find your nametag, find

out what table you're sitting at.

Ashley, so good to see you!

Oh, my God.

Billy! Oh, my God,

you're looking so svelte.

You used to be morbidly obese.

I was concerned.

Hey.

He)', guys.

Hey, Jim. Oz.

Where is Mia?

She flew out this morning.

Oh. I'm sorry, man.

What about Michelle?

I am not sure yet.

ALL; Finch!

What happened? I called the police

department a thousand times.

I appreciate that, Kevin.

But my mom, actually, bailed me out.

Guys, I screwed up.

That bike belongs to my boss.

And I was promised a raise,

and I didn't get it, so I

simply borrowed it.

The truth is that my life

isn't interesting at all.

I am an assistant manager at a

Staples in Bayonne, New Jersey.

I lied to my best friends,

and I'm sorry.

You know, Finch,

just because you sold out

and got a boring job

like most of us,

that doesn't mean you

should be embarrassed.

Yeah, come on, man.

None of that shit matters.

That means a lot, gentlemen.

What about your arm?

Oh.

I spilled coffee on myself

while I was driving.

No.

It hurt like a bitch, though.

I'll bet. Jesus, Finch.

Oh, hey, check this

out, you guys.

Crazy, huh? Look at us.

A lot of memories.

"Steve Stifler."

"Hopes to keep the party

going with his boys."

Any sign of him yet?

I don't think

he's going to show.

Stifler?

How'd you find me?

We asked your mom.

Oh, no. I didn't do anything.

We wanted to apologize

for what we said last night.

We didn't mean it.

Yeah, you did.

I get it, you guys think I'm a dick.

Okay. Well,

maybe you are kind of a dick.

But,

you're a fun dick.

And you're our dick.

Yeah, man. You were one of the biggest

reasons that high shool was awesome.

Yeah, high school was awesome.

Then we graduated and everybody

started getting jobs

and getting married

and having kids

and all that other stupid shit.

Now, look at me.

I'm the bitch of this place.

Look, Stifler, none of

our lives are perfect.

Especially mine.

But what do you say we keep this party

going, and hit up this reunion together?

What the hell is going on here?

Oh, my God.

This is the jackass.

You're not even close to being

finished and you're up here

"chilling with your posse"?

Sorry, we can explain.

No, Kevin.

Allow me.

Yeah, Kevin, allow him.

This better be good, Stafler.

It's Stifler, fucker.

Oh, wow.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Are you acting tough in front

of your girlfriend? Huh?

Because we both know she's

only with you for your money.

Definitely not for your dick.

Because anybody that's

peed next to you

knows it's the size of

a leprechaun's pinkie.

That's not true.

"That's not

true." Oh, yeah, it is.

Look, just because you got a fancy

office and I don't even have a desk

doesn't change

who we really are.

The truth is,

you're still a dork,

and I can still kick your ass.

But I'm not going to.

You know why?

Because I'm the

fucking Stifmeister.

And you can take this job and

shove it up your dickhole

because I have

a reunion to attend.

Dudes?

By the way, I had no clue what I

was doing with any of this shit,

so you got a lot of work to do.

Surprise! Hey! You made it.

Of course.

What do you think about

the Lions this year?

They got a shot?

We'll see if their

offensive line can hold.

Are you planning on being on

All Stars?

I actually haven't

thought much about that.

You should think about it.

I'm sorry, guys,

you'll have to excuse me.

Can I cut in?

I don't know.

Can you promise to keep your shirt on?

Come on, buddy, I'm busting balls.

Huh?

Yeah, of course.

I'll get us some drinks.

Okay.

Hey.

Sholdn't you be dancing

with your girlfriend?

Uh...

Mia and I are over.

She wanted me

to be someone else.

Something that I

don't want to be.

What do you want, Chris?

Heather, I want this.

I want us.

What about your career? LA?

Look, I know that it's crazy.

And I don't have all the answers

right now, but I see you,

and I just know

I want you.

I love you.

I love you.

So, I'm skiing down a mountain.

Guy has a heart

attack right there.

Saved his life.

It was a big story, you can Google it.

Yeah, it was.

I bet.

Holy shit! Excuse me.

Hey, excuse me.

What the hell is going on?

Ron, I can explain.

Seriously, this guy?

I'm a fucking heart surgeon,

this guy's not even on ESPN.

Hey, take it easy, Ron.

What are you going to do?

Hit me, Oz? Huh?

Oh, I got an idea.

What about a dance-off? Huh?

This isn't a reality show, okay?

This is the real world.

You take one swing at me, I will

sue you for all you're worth.

I'm not worth jack shit, Dron.

I'm your dick.

Dropped him!

That was awesome!

Listen, we had a blast

the other night.

Have you ever thought about

being a party planner?

Because we want you

to plan our wedding.

Say yes.

Yeah, yeah! I'd love to.

Nice! Oh, my God.

Thanks! This is great, man.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, bro.

You're welcome. Thank you.

I have to tell you something.

You don't have to explain.

Look, Paul, I didn't like you

because you climbed the Alps,

or killed a camel

with your bare hands.

I liked you because you were

still the same good guy

that was actually nice

to me in high school.

I'm still that guy.

I really am.

You know, the last time I

was here was for prom.

I didn't have a date.

Neither did I.

I have to get a drink.

What?

Was my dancing that bad?

Yeah.

Kev! Hey!

Hey, Jess

Wow. Look, you have a beard!

It looks great.

Thanks. I'm kidding.

Let's just get this out of the way.

I'm a lesbian now, and

this is my girlfriend.

This is Ingrid.

Good to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Lesbians? I knew it!

Why don't you guys

make out and prove it.

You must be Stifler.

I've heard a lot about you. Ow!

Mostly negative.

Cool, dude. What the fuck?

Jessica, it's good to see you.

No, it wasn't.

What the...

Look, Kev, I think you

should go talk to Vicky.

She's really upset over there.

Yeah, thanks.

Nice to meet you.

Be a real man,

you have a beard now.

Kevin, don't. I'm fine.

Come on.

I was a complete jerk last night.

I was just upset that you would

think that I would do that

knowing that you're married.

I know you wouldn't.

Honestly, that was more

about me being nervous.

Seeing you again, all these

old feelings came up, and...

I don't know, I guess

I just felt guilty.

But the fact that I still

have feelings for you

just means that what

we had was special.

Don't get me wrong, all right.

I love Ellie

more than anything.

But no matter

how much time passes

you'll always be my first love.

And you'll always be mine.

Kev. Hey.

You have to try these

cupcakes, they're awesome.

Ellie, this is Vicky.

Oh, my God! The Vicky?

Kevin has told me so much about you.

You're a really lucky girl.

He's a great guy.

Come dance with us.

No, it's okay.

Yes, come on, this is

happening. Come on.

Hey.

Hey.

My name's Jim.

We were in Mr. Lee's

English class together.

Really?

Yeah, I...

Sorry, I don't remember you.

Okay.

I was the kid who everyone

saw on the Internet.

Mmm.

Sorry, you're going to

have to be more specific.

I pre-ejaculated twice.

Oh, Jim Levenstein! Right!

Levenstein.

Yeah, Jim Levenstein.

Now I remember. Yeah.

So, how have you been

since high school?

Prettygood. Yeah, pretty good.

Let's see.

Um...

Oh!

I married the most wonderful

woman in the world.

And we have

the cutest kid ever.

It sounds like

things are perfect.

I'm willing to do whatever

it takes to make it perfect.

And that means being the

sexiest husband possible.

Really?

Michelle, you look beautiful.

Oh, thanks.

Would you like to dance?

I'd love to.

Whoo!

Stifler.

Sherman? The Sherminator?

What the fuck

have you been up to?

Married. Had a kid.

And divorced.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm sure you are.

But, you know what, at least I

got to keep little Furlong.

You named your kid

after Eddie Furlong?

Yes, I did. You know why?

Because Terminator 2 is still

the greatest film ever made.

Dude, you need

to get banged bad.

Okay, we have

to get out of here.

It's about time. Yeah.

It's a lost cause.

All these women are either

married or came with dates.

Hey, Loni.

Dude, how would you like

to have your world blown?

Hasta la vista, Stifler.

Great, everybody's

getting laid but me.

This sucks.

Excuse me.

Hi. Hi.

I'm looking for Paul Finch.

Have you seen him anywhere?

What do you want with Finch?

I'm here to pick him up.

I'm his mom.

Finch has a mom?

I mean, you're Finch's mom?

Yeah. Are you a friend of his?

Oh, yeah.

Paul is like my best friend.

I love him so much.

More now than ever before.

In fact, I can't believe we haven't met.

I'm Steven Stifler.

I'm Rachel.

What? What is it?

I just got this feeling like something

really bad is about to happen.

Don't worry.

I'll be as quiet as a church mouse.

Oh, Jim!

Oh!

I want you so bad.

Oh, you have no idea!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God, there it is.

I don't think I can hold it any more.

Hold it in!

I'm sorry, I will.

I just forgot

how awesom this is.

Oh, yeah, I need this.

Oh, God, Michelle!

Fuck, I love you!

Jim?

Nadia?

Hey.

I'm sorry. You are busy, yes?

No. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nadia, it's so nice to see you.

But do you think you

could give us a minute?

Three.

Three minutes.

Okay! So nice you

are still together.

Aw!

And I see you've gotten

much better at this.

Well, thanks.

That's Jim?

He looks nothing like me.

You know, when I was in high

school, I dated a lacrosse player.

In fact, I dated a few of them.

You don't say.

I always wanted Paul

to be more into sports.

But he was never

that interested.

You don't have to sugarcoat it.

Finch was a klutz.

Yeah, I guess he was, but he

did not get that from me.

I was head cheerleader.

And if there's anything I

learned from lacrosse players,

it's that I like

to handle a stick

and cradle those balls.

I love you.

Are you ready for me, Stifler?

Oh, yeah!

Let's go.

Oh, Michelle.

Oh, God, Michelle.

You are amazing!

Better than the bathtub?

Much.

Better than this?

Ooh!

Of course.

Oh, take those off!

We shouldn't be doing this.

Yes, we should.

Oh, Stifler.

Oh, Finch's mom!

Call me the Stifmeister!

Yeah, you are the Stifmeister.

MILF?

Oh, Finch's mom!

MILF.

MILF.

Tell me I'm the best.

You are the best!

MILF.

MILF. MILF.

Oh, Finch's mom!

MILF! MILF! MILF!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, your son's such a dork!

Stop talking about him!

Well, our first reunion

is officially in the books.

I don't know about you guys, but

my night ended pretty well.

It was great.

I had a blast.

I was unforgettable.

Fuck yeah!

I jizzed like a racehorse.

What happened to you at the

end of the night, Stifler?

Who did you end up with?

A gentleman never

kisses and tells, Jim.

Guys?

I'll be right back, okay?

Kara!

HEY-HEY...

Look, I'm sorry about

what I said the other night.

No, I'm the one who

should be apologizing.

I can't believe the way I acted.

I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be.

When I was your age I was

pretty obsessed with sex, too.

I know.

I've seen the YouTube clip.

Oh, of course you did.

But, thanks for understanding.

I was thinking about it,

and you're right.

I should really wait

for someone special.

Just, it's going to be tough

to find a guy as good as you.

I'm sure you will.

I feel like a whole new

man after this weekend.

Kind of sucks

we have to leave, though.

Not me. I'm going to take

some time off my job

and stick around here

with Heather for a while.

Nice!

What about you, Finch?

Selena and I, we're planning

a little jaunt to Europe.

Just make sure you call your mom.

She misses you.

How would you know?

Oh...

I guess this is it, huh?

Back to reality?

We shouldn't wait

until the next reunion.

We should try to get

together every year.

What do you say,

until next time?

Until next time.

Until next time!

I fucked Finch's mom.

What?

What was that?

Hmm?

What's this?

Oh, no, dean No, no, no.

No, dear. No!

Oh!

Oh...

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Ah. Oh. Oh.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God!

Ah!

Great movie.