All the Creatures Were Stirring (2016) - full transcript
On the night before Christmas, encounters with monsters and misfortunes will have some people running for their lives and others landing on the "Naughty" list.
MAN ON RADIO: ...minutes
until the top of the hour
on a chilly Southern California
Christmas Eve.
I hope you're all staying
inside nice and warm
with the ones you love.
But for those of you
out there riding solo,
this next one goes out to you.
♪ I don't need no presents ♪
♪ 'Round my tree ♪
♪ Or no mistletoe ♪
♪ To share my needs ♪
♪ Christmastime with you ♪
♪ More than enough for me ♪
♪ For me ♪
♪ When... ♪
Uh, hey, Jenna.
Hey, Max.
-Thanks for calling me.
-Yeah.
I saw we were both orphans
on this holiday
and figured we might as well
be orphans together.
Anything's better than
being alone on Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
That sounded awful.
I'm sorry.
No.
It's all right.
So, uh, what is this?
I have no idea,
but I'm pretty sure it's
the only thing playing tonight.
Sounds fantastic.
Although, looks like
a hot ticket.
Hope we can get a seat.
Don't worry.
I made reservations.
Smart man.
Hello.
Uh, there should be two tickets
under Max Clayton.
[ Sighs ]
-Okay. All set.
-[ Cellphone vibrates ]
I'm sorry, I have to take this.
Just one minute.
[ Door closes ]
Okay.
Sorry about that.
-Want to go inside?
-Uh, sure.
MAX: When I was a kid,
I thought it was
"visions of Sugar Plum Fairies
dancing in their heads."
Isn't it?
Interesting crowd.
I guess this is the Christmas
Eve theater crowd, looks like.
[ Door creaks ]
[ Keys clacking ]
[ Snorts ]
DARREN:
Yeah, I'm still on hold.
Do you ever get a negative
answer to that question?
I got to be out of here
by 6:00.
[ Laughs ]
Darren will nail you before you
get anywhere near that exit.
Yeah. Can you see if you can
get that clean this time?
I got to get the twins' toys
together when I get home.
I heard it's mandatory now
because Suzanne
bawled her eyes out
when no one showed up last year.
Oh, shit, the gift exchange.
What are you saying?
I-I-I...
Time is now.
Godspeed.
No, your partner's an idiot.
I don't know why I pay you.
What am I paying you for?
Oh, my God,
you're like my ex-girlfriend.
All you do is bitch.
Just get in there and fucking
tell them, "Quality. Quality."
That's what we are.
Oh, my God.
[ Bossa nova music playing ]
[ Click, music stops ]
It's been a good year
for Chem-Ways.
We've seen some pretty good
growth across the board.
So I would like to take
this moment to dole out
some individual congratulations
on a job well done.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
Oh, we're gonna have to
put a pin in that.
I've got to
hop on this call.
Spencer, can I get you
to take over?
Go for Darren.
Uhh huh huh huh...
Suzanne, you wanted
to go over some rules.
Uh, yes, thank you.
Okay, here are the rules.
Someone will open a gift,
and the next person who opens
one can either keep the gift
or they can steal someone else's
already opened gift.
Got it?
Oh!
This is gonna be so much fun!
[ Giggling ]
Alissa, why don't you go first?
Sure, why not?
This looks like something
I could use.
Balsamic vinegar.
I make it myself!
Let's hope no one
steals that away from you.
Let's hope.
Ty, why don't you
go next, sweetie?
Okay.
-Hey.
-Ah, just kidding.
[ Music box plays ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ People screaming ]
Holy fuck!
SPENCER: I'll call 911.
[ Muffled screaming ]
-I don't have a signal.
-[ Gasps ]
The door's jammed.
There's no signal
on mine either.
Oh, my God!
MANNY:
Scott! Scott! Scott!
Try the office line!
[ Ringing ]
-[ Sawing ]
-[ Muffled screaming ]
[ Groaning and gasping ]
[ Metal clanking ]
[ Man chuckling ]
[ Gasping continues ]
I can't wait
to watch you all die.
[ Cackling ]
Who is this?
Interrupt me again, Spencer,
and I'll eat
your fucking heart out!
-[ Cackling ]
-[ Gas hissing ]
What is that?
I'm filling the room with gas.
[ Cackling ]
And if you don't listen,
you're all gonna die!
I've added a few presents
of my own.
Take turns opening them.
[ Cackles ]
Some could save you, but...
If you live, I'll let you go.
And if you don't play,
you die.
[ Stifled cackling ]
[ Cackling ]
You have 10 minutes
before I kill you myself.
[ Line clicks ]
O-Okay, I have to go.
I have to go now.
-All right, calm down.
-No, no, I can't do this!
-I have to leave. This is crazy.
-Listen, we have 10 minutes.
We've just got to
play his game...
I'm not touching anything
on this table.
I'll go first.
It's empty.
Let me see that.
Bad move, asshole.
What is it?
MAN:
[ Weakly ] Manny.
Manny.
Manny, help me, please.
[ Grunts ]
Hey, hey. You break that, and
all that gas is coming in here.
[ Gasping ]
[ Grunts ]
When I get out of here,
I'm gonna kill you,
you psycho son of a bitch!
[ Grunts ]
[ Gun thuds ]
-You gonna go next?
-Hell no!
He said everyone has to go.
Well, he can go fuck himself!
SPENCER: Scott.
[ Exhales slowly ]
ALISSA:
Wait, wait, wait!
What if it's a bomb?
Everyone opens their gifts
from over here, okay?
Scott.
Yeah, okay.
Fuck it.
[ Soft moaning
and heavy breathing ]
TY: Alissa...
[ Soft moaning
and heavy breathing continues ]
Shut the card.
Kara, shut the card.
Shut the card.
Shut the damn card!
[ Soft moaning
and heavy breathing stops ]
MANNY: Wait a minute.
Oh, shit.
Little Scotty boy
has a thing for Alissa.
Who cares about that right now?
No.
No, no, think about it.
I'm onto something here.
So, what was it, Scott?
Were you in love with her?
Must have been a real bitch
to know she was fucking Ty.
-Knock it off, Manny.
-Get off me.
He's trapped in here
with the rest of us.
Yeah, and Ty's brains
are all over the wall!
This sick psycho
probably got off on it.
-SCOTT: [ Grunts ]
-Manny, stop!
Think about it, Spencer.
It was him.
No one gets in this building
without security clearance.
It had to be one of us, and I'm
picking this jealous psycho.
No. [ Grunts ]
[ Coughing ]
Tell your friend outside to turn
off the gas and open the door.
[ Weakly ] It wasn't me.
It wasn't...
MANNY: It's over!
-But I wasn't...
-Let us out!
That's enough!
[ Coughing ]
Manny!
Oh, no!
-[ Gasps ]
-SUZANNE: No!
Oh, God, no!
Oh, f...
Oh, my God.
[ Whimpering ]
[ Telephone ringing ]
[ Click ]
MAN: [ Crying ] Ohh!
Scott! No!
Scott's gone!
[ Crying ]
[ Cackling ]
No one told you
to stop playing.
[ Line clicks ]
We have to keep going.
[ Gas hissing ]
KARA: Suzanne?
Someone help me
get her away from the vent!
MANNY: [ Coughing ] Kara!
Get back!
[ People coughing ]
KARA: Come on, help!
MANNY: It's too late.
Get away! Come on.
KARA: No, no!
[ Crying ] I'm sorry!
[ Coughing continues ]
Manny, you've got to go now.
Fuck it.
No, open it
over in the corner.
This blows up, I'm taking
all you assholes with me.
Listen, uh,
I just got word from upstairs.
They want us to start trimming
the fat from this floor.
Honestly, I'm surprised
Manny wasn't fired months ago.
DARREN: Sounds good.
SPENCER: Manny.
I don't...
You have no idea
the pressure we're under
to turn a profit here.
Come on, Manny.
We have to stick together.
-No, Manny, stop.
-Kara, get out of the way!
Back off!
You fucking asshole.
We really should've fired you.
[ Gun clicks ]
[ Rattling ]
[ Heavy breathing ]
[ Heavy breathing continues ]
ALISSA:
I just opened this.
-[ Grunting ]
-[ Thudding ]
What are you doing?!
Get off!
[ Grunting continues ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ Stifled snorting ]
What the hell was that?
I have no idea.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Scanner beeping ]
MAN:
Attention, customers.
The store will be closing
in five minutes.
Please take your purchases to
the nearest available register.
From all of us here
at Headley's department store,
we'd like to wish you
a very happy holidays.
[ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
Hey. I'm literally getting
in the car as we speak.
I got everything.
No, they were out of that.
Well, I got everything the store
wasn't already out of.
No, they didn't
have that either.
I'm getting in
the car right now.
Right now. See you in a bit.
Love you.
[ Door unlocking ]
[ Open-door tone sounding ]
[ Cellphone chimes ]
[ Door locks ]
No.
[ Chimes ]
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no!
Fuck!
Aah!
You...
Hello?
I just need to use your phone.
Hello?!
[ Knocks ]
Hello?
I locked my keys...
Hey there.
I'm so sorry to bother you.
I locked myself out of my car.
I was wondering if you had
a phone I could borrow.
-WOMAN: You don't have a phone?
-Yeah, no, I have one.
I just locked it in my car
with my keys.
That sucks.
Uh, yeah, it does.
So do you have one
I could borrow,
just to call
roadside assistance?
Hello?
Sasha, you're making a mess.
Sure.
No problem.
It's a burner.
A prepaid.
So please don't use up
all our minutes.
No problem.
I'll be quick.
[ Cellphone dialing ]
[ Line ringing ]
Hi, I locked my keys
in my car.
Eric Turner.
Member number is 3433-1D.
Date of birth is 12/25/81.
Thanks.
Yeah, I'd really rather not
spend my birthday
in a parking lot, so please tell
me you can send someone soon.
All right, well, if they can
get here a lot sooner,
then I'd really appreciate it.
Merry Christmas.
Thanks.
Mind if I call my wife?
Of course.
Go ahead.
Be quick.
[ Line ringing ]
Hey, it's me.
I'm using someone else's phone.
No, no, no, I'm fine.
I just locked my keys
in the car.
They said 30 to 40 minutes.
No, no, stay there.
No, do not send my dad.
He'd just get lost
and we wouldn't see him again
till the new year.
It's tempting, I know.
I'll be home as soon as I can.
All done?
Yeah. Here.
You sure you don't want
to wait in the van?
You know what?
I should wait by my car.
Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky
and pick the lock.
-Good luck.
-Thanks.
Happy almost birthday.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Blows ]
[ Engine starts ]
[ Engine revs ]
[ Brakes squeak ]
We decided we couldn't let you
freeze to death on Christmas.
Uh, thanks.
[ Whispering ]
Want some?
No, I'm good.
-See? Not poisoned.
-[ Laughs ]
[ Chuckles ]
So, what was the plan, Eric?
Plan?
Yeah.
You having family over
for Christmas Eve?
Yep, yep.
Wife, kids, parents,
the whole nine.
But you know how family gets.
You're around them too much,
and you just want to...
But it's good too.
Do you two have any plans
for the holidays?
You're looking at it.
Do you need any money?
It's the least I can do
since you... you helped me out.
Thanks, but we're okay.
I didn't mean
to insult you guys.
-I just wanted to...
-We're good.
-Is there someone else...
-What?
Your door's open.
Uh, yeah, it's an old van.
This thing is glitchy.
I got it.
-[ Snarls ]
-Jesus Christ!
-What else is back there?
-What are you talking about?
There's something
in the back of your van.
-Just us.
-Hey, come out of there!
Dude, there's no one else there.
[ Whispering ] The tether is
with it, the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
-The evil must not be free.
-Are you okay?
...the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
Aah!
What the fuck?
Renew the tether
with fresh blood.
The new keeper
has been found.
Aah!
Get the fuck off of me!
We're free.
Let's go.
ERIC: Get off of me!
Sasha, wait!
It's not finished!
Frankie.
How far am I?
[ Breathing heavily ]
Please.
I'll go back.
Please.
I'll go back.
I'll go back.
Please.
Please.
No!
[ Body thuds ]
The tether will hold.
The tether will hold.
Aah!
Get the fuck off! Aah!
-...18, 19...
-What the hell is this?
FRANKIE: ...20,
21.
Oh, shit.
Stop.
Stop or it'll kill your family.
-What?
-If you run, it will kill you.
When it's done with you,
it won't stop killing.
It won't stop until
another tether is found.
You're full of shit.
Hey!
Don't test it, Eric.
-What is it?
-It's pure fucking evil.
You're responsible for it now.
[ Snarls ]
Listen. Listen!
This is important.
Only one who shares
the day of their birth
with the unconquered son
can tether this evil.
It means you were born
on Christmas, Eric.
Just like me,
just like Sasha.
We're the only ones
that can bear the mark,
and we're the only ones
that can keep this evil at bay.
Why?
Who fucking knows?
Okay, you stay within 20 feet of
that thing, and you stay safe.
Your family stays safe.
Everyone's safe.
Once you break that boundary,
you're fucked.
This isn't happening.
I'm going home.
Is your bedroom
within 10 paces of that van?
How about
your children's play room?
You really want that thing
around your family
if you step outside
that circle?
I don't need those.
Maybe you'll get lucky,
find some other loser
born on December 25th.
It only took us three years.
-What's your address?
-Go to hell.
Take me home.
ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Finding directions home.
I'll leave them
on your doorstep.
[ Car door closes,
engine starts ]
Hey.
Happy birthday to us.
[ Keys jingle ]
This isn't happening.
[ Distorted mid-tempo music
playing ]
[ Up-tempo Christmas music
playing ]
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho ho ho!
WOMAN: ...town to bring you joy
on Christmas Eve!
So, Merry Christmas, Steve!
MAN:
My name's not Steve.
No, I'll come after shopping.
WOMAN: From home.
-MAN: No! Get back!
-[ Knocking on door ]
WOMAN:
What did you do to him?
MAN: You don't know
what you're doing! Don't!
[ Sighs ]
-[ Christmas music continues ]
-Oh, shit!
Jesus Christ, Michael.
I see you scaled it back
on the decorations this year.
Oh, yeah, my...
my kids like them.
That sounds awful.
Oh, I don't mind
putting up the decorations.
No, I meant having kids.
Uh, speaking of which, my, uh...
my eldest
is collecting donations
for the United National
Christmas Fund.
Wanted to know if you
could toss in a few bucks.
What's wrong? He can't come over
and beg for money himself?
Come on, Chet, it's...
it's for a good cause.
Fine.
Let me get my wallet.
What's happening?
Oh, my God, the door
won't stop closing.
It's like it has
a mind of its own.
I know you trashed
my light-up Santa!
Asshole.
It's just a meager pittance.
It does not matter
in the least.
His heart does not
warm that way.
-But it's Christmas.
-He cares not about the date.
Fuck this.
-Linda.
-You've got to be kidding me.
-It's Christmas Eve.
-That isn't work, is it?
No. No, Mom,
it's just a friend.
A friend she's banging.
-Is your friend coming over?
-No, no, he's not.
-Is dinner ready yet?
-Did you ask him?
Yeah, Linda, did you ask me?
Who's she talking to?
Fine. Would you like
to come over for dinner?
No, I have plans.
O-Oh, yeah, okay.
Uh, what...
what are those plans?
I was gonna have you come over
so we could eat sushi
off each other's naked bodies.
You know, I could just pick up
an order to go
on my way over there.
Does your mom like tuna rolls
or spicy beef or...
-Very funny.
-[ TV turns on ]
Perhaps that's
the answer he's looking for.
What the fuck?
I'm afraid it'll only fill him
with more loneliness.
-Hello? What's going on?
-Nothing.
-I'll call you back in a minute.
-Merry Christ...
[ Knocking on door ]
-[ Christmas music continues ]
-What?! Shit!
[ Sighs ]
Hey, Mike?
Keep your trash off my property!
I'm keeping this!
You will be visited
by three ghosts.
[ Clatters ]
Pure poppycock!
Yes.
Yes, t-that's all
that it is.
This is poppycock.
Perhaps a tonic
will help settle this.
[ Snorting ]
[ Snorting ]
[ Coughs ] Aah!
[ Coughs ]
[ Child giggling ]
How'd you get in here?
Are you Michael's brat?
Would you look
at little Chester?
Aren't you the most adorable
little thing?
Now, sing a Christmas song
for Grandma.
Come on, Chester. Sing a song
for your grandmother.
Anybody care
if I get out of here?
-Honey, it's... it's Christmas.
-Yeah, we opened the presents.
Oh, just let him
go to a bar already.
-He's not gonna go...
-Why don't we all go to a bar?
-Would you two stop?
-Please, sing [Sighs]
See what happens when you
don't do what you're told?
Now sing for Grandma.
Come on, kid, sing!
Now!
Sing the goddamn song.
Honey, language.
Sing.
-Stop it!
-Sing!
Stop it!
Leave me alone!
[ Breathing heavily ]
Fuck. Fuck!
Oh, my God.
Where's my fucking phone?
Um... Um...
I'm calling the cops!
R-Right now!
Yes, Officer,
my home is being invaded!
My address is 2740 Chandler Way!
Oh, you're coming right now
with a SWAT team?!
Thank you, Officer!
You're fucked now!
[ Panting ]
Fuck.
[ Sighs ]
I've got a gun.
You got three seconds before
I come out shooting!
MAN:
[ Singsong ] Chet.
All alone on Christmas, Chet?
What of it?
No, I think it's great.
You got that right.
No stupid decorations,
no annoying friends.
Freeloading family around
to suffocate us.
Hell yeah,
we got this shit beat.
I don't think there's
anywhere else to go.
Wait.
-Yeah.
-What are you talking about?
I think we're done here.
It's been a wonderful
fucking life, bro.
No fucking way!
Then why are you doing that?
[ Gasping ] Fuck!
[ Choking ]
Fuck.
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho ho ho!
You rosy-cheeked son of a bitch.
[ Knock on door ]
Okay, I know
I'm a little bit drunk,
but I think this is something
we need to discuss.
Okay, we have been neighbors now
for five years,
and every Christmas, you...
Is that my Santa?
Ho ho ho ho ho!
What, are you stealing
my Christmas decorations now?!
No!
No, no, no, no, no.
No, shut up!
I don't want to hear it!
Every year, it's the same
"I hate Christmas" routine.
-Help me.
-Man, let go!
No, I have to show you
something in the bathroom!
What is wrong with you, man?!
Oh, shit.
A sad fate to die all alone
without a friend.
I'm not alone.
I have friends.
There he'll lie to rot away.
Someone'll come by
any minute now.
Linda's probably on her way
over here right now.
But, Chet, she has her family
to keep her company tonight.
She probably started
heading over here
the second I got off
the phone with her.
I'll get some CPR.
I'll be good as fucking new.
And then drinks
and blowjobs later. You'll see.
Oh, yes, of course.
Drinks and blowjobs.
I'm sure of it.
Poor deluded bastard.
What are you doing?
No, they'll come.
They'll come.
Stop.
Stop it!
Stop it.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Aaah!
Aaah!
All that's left
is food for the rats.
[ Rat squeaking ]
-[ Flesh crunches ]
-[ Screaming ]
Oh, I can't watch.
Let me have a look.
[ Screaming ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Knock on door ]
Ohh, ohh...
Aah!
[ Panting ]
I know I am a little bit drunk,
but we need to discuss this.
Okay, we have been neighbors
for five years now,
and every year at Christmas,
you pull the same shit.
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
[ Gasps ]
[ Christmas music continues ]
For your kid.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Whoo!
Merry Christmas!
Whoo!
God, I hate Christmas.
Is that my wreath?
[ Laughing ]
Whoo!
[ Laughing ]
[ Door creaks ]
[ Footsteps ]
[ Sighs ]
Do you want to?
I have to pee.
Is that too much information
on a first date?
Is this a date?
Should I be asking that?
Just go.
-Go.
-Okay.
Could I get a water?
[ Sighs ]
Thanks.
MAX: Don't patronize me.
No, I can't. I'm fine.
Yes, I know it's tonight.
Because I'm out with someone.
-I just...
-Hey.
Is everything all right?
Uh, yeah, I'm just dealing
with some work stuff.
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
Sorry, I have to take this.
Uh, I'll see you inside?
-Uh, see you there.
-Leave me alone.
-Sorry about that.
-It's all right.
Not a lot of people coming back
from intermission.
-Do you think we could...
-Shh.
[ Footsteps ]
[ Door closes ]
[ Engine running ]
[ Down-tempo country music
playing ]
...in the middle
of a 24-hour rock block
of all Christmas hits here
in Southern California...
[ Crash ]
Shit!
God damn it!
Fuck.
[ Grunting ]
[ Animal bellowing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Soft snarling ]
Who's there?
Are these the prints?
-Hi.
-Hi.
And I'll take this.
I didn't think you were
coming until tomorrow.
Well, I didn't want to
put this off another day,
so I decided to change
my travel plans.
You, my friend,
should be very flattered.
[ Laughs ]
And plus I couldn't leave you
all alone on Christmas, right?
Who knows that kind of
trouble you'd get into.
[ Laughs ]
Let me have a look.
Some of my favorites.
I guess they're not bad.
-[ Clattering ]
-Oh, are you expecting someone?
No.
Come on.
[ Clattering ]
[ Animal snorts ]
[ Bellowing
WOMAN: What was that?
-[ Clattering ]
-What...
-There's somebody upstairs.
-Well, who is it?
-Who's upstairs?
-I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
I'm gonna go look.
You stay right here.
[ Soft snarling ]
-[ Growling ]
-No.
No! No!
[ Stabbing ]
[ Moaning ]
Guy?
Guy?
Guy, what happened in here?
[ Snarls softly ]
-[ Growling ]
-[ Screaming ]
[ Screams ]
[ Bellowing ]
[ Stomach gurgling ]
Sorry.
[ Exhales slowly ]
[ Door creaks ]
[ Door locks ]
Not tonight.
Not tonight.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Hello?
GABBY:
Hey, Steve, where are you?
-Home.
-Well, are you coming over?
I told you I can't
go out tonight, Gabby.
Come on, it's Christmas Eve.
You can't spend it alone.
I have to.
[ Knock on window ]
[ Knock on window ]
Gabby!
Dude, let me in.
What are you doing in there?
-Merry Christmas!
-Merry Christmas!
[ Cheering ]
We brought Christmas dinner
to you, you grumpy bastard.
You shouldn't have done that.
I know we shouldn't
have done it,
but we're awesome,
so deal with it.
-I'll warm everything up.
-Oh, I'll help.
-I'll grab the serving dishes.
-I'm gonna make myself a drink.
How do you not have bitters?
Whoa!
What's up?
We're just gonna talk, right?
You couldn't have picked
a worse time.
Okay, listen.
It started
10 years ago tonight.
Before that day,
I always celebrated Christmas.
-But then...
-Hey, guys, dinner's ready.
-I'm gonna leave you two alone.
-GABBY: Actually, you know what?
I need a cigarette
before dinner.
We'll talk about this later.
-Gabby!
-Later!
Oh, that's really weird.
Hey, guys, come check out
this star.
MAN:
Atomic activity on the moon.
MAN #2:
I never saw anything like them.
They must be
from another planet.
ALIEN: You aren't going in
the right direction, Earth man.
MAN #3:
Let's get out of here!
-MAN #4: And leave the ray gun?
-MAN #3: What else can we do?
Oh, I just had
the strangest...
Oh. I don't remember
bringing all of this.
Would you like to come in
and eat with us?
-Sure.
-Would you like to sit here?
It is the only empty chair.
[ Clears throat ]
Should we say a blessing?
Steve, would you like to?
I don't know one.
Gabby, would you?
Uh, I-I don't
really know one either.
I have to use the bathroom.
[ Sighs ]
Do you like Christmas, Gabby?
Yeah, sure.
Could you tell us about one
of your own Christmas memories?
Uh, you guys
are messing with me, right?
Oh, did you guys
get high without...
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Fuck, Steve!
Steve, are you still there?
Oh, my God, Steve,
what have you done?
Not what you think.
Would you like to join us
for dinner, Steve?
Looks like you got
invited to the party.
[ Laughing ] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God,
you guys suck so bad.
Yeah, nice joke.
[ Laughs ]
Okay, you got me.
[ Chuckles ]
It was a good prank, okay?
Now stop being assholes.
I got to smoke a cigarette.
Would you like to join us
for dinner, Gabby?
Yeah, Gabby, join us for dinner.
Tried to warn you.
Would you like to sit here
in the only empty chair?
[ Sighs ]
Would you like to
say a blessing?
So, what's going on here, Steve?
Is this, like, group hypnosis?
Did you get a book on how to
hypnotize your friends
at dinner parties?
Would you like to
say a blessing?
They're not our friends.
They just took on their forms.
What do you mean, "they"?
Would you like
to say a blessing?
You had me with the gun thing,
but you kind of lost me with...
Would you like
to say a blessing?
Jesus Christ, Mary!
-Amen.
-Amen.
[ Laughter ]
Would you like eggnog?
Would you like
some m-m-mixed nuts?
Would you like to help us
decorate a tree?
You're the one who wanted
to spend Christmas with me.
[ Sighs ]
What the hell do they want?
Not sure.
They just take me up
and ask me questions.
Have you ever asked them?
No, Gabby, in 10 years
I've never once asked them
what their end game might be.
Would you like to enjoy
some more sugary foods?
No, thank you.
Would you like to open
your presents now?
Why are you doing this?
[ Screeching ]
I forgot to tell you,
they don't really like it
when you ask that question.
GABBY: I hate it.
I hate it. Okay.
So, what happens now?
We play their game.
Oh, screw that. I'm gonna
take my chances out there.
Take a seat.
Yeah, okay.
Sure.
Who wants to g-go first?
Gabby, would you like
to open your present first?
Okay.
[ Paper crinkles ]
Do you like it?
Yes.
Steve, would you like
to go next?
Okay.
[ Wrapping crinkles ]
Okay, I'm done now.
C-Can I please go home?
Don't you want to open
your other present?
You...
Okay, I'm...
I'm done with this.
Can I just go now?
-What's wrong, Gabby?
-Don't you like it?
Isn't it what
you've always wanted?
Shut up, Mary.
Why is it so important for Steve
to celebrate Christmas?
-Why Gabby?
-Why Gabby?
-Why Gabby?
-Why?
Because I never
had one, okay?!
My parents
didn't celebrate Christmas,
so we never put up a tree
and I never got any presents.
And this...
This was the doll that
I begged for and I never got.
Why don't you guys go abduct
my parents and ask them
why they had to be such
assholes every December 25th?
So now that I'm older,
I hold the holidays
pretty fucking dear to my heart.
So merry fucking Christmas.
Are you fucking happy?
Ow!
-Are we back?
-I think so.
Thought you might want this.
[ Down-tempo "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas" playing ]
Merry Christmas.
[ Stomach gurgling ]
Hey.
Thanks for calling me.
I noticed we're both orphans
this holiday,
so why not
be orphans together?
Anything beats being alone
on Christmas Eve.
That sounded awful.
I'm so sorry.
That's fine.
Interesting-looking crowd.
Yeah,
I guess this is what
the Christmas Eve theater crowd
looks like.
-What's wrong? Are you okay?
-I'll... I'll be right back.
Guess a lot of people aren't
coming back from intermission.
Max?
-Do you think we could...
-Shh.
[ Retching ]
[ Gasping ]
Sorry.
What's wrong?
Are you okay?
MAN:
I'll be right back.
WOMAN: Max?
Are you there?
I'm sorry.
I can't do it.
I tried.
I thought...
I thought I could beat it.
But it's too close now.
It's too late.
[ Breathing heavily ]
I'm sorry.
I...
I have to feed.
Is it over?
I'm starving.
How about you?
[ Exhales sharply ]
Oh, is it over?
I'm starving.
How about you?
[ Snarls ]
Whoa. Hey.
Are you okay?
[ Laughing ]
[ Up-tempo rock music plays ]
♪ Dum dooby doo ♪
♪ Dooby dooby dum,
dum dooby doo ♪
♪ Dooby dooby dum, ahhh ♪
♪ Hey, Mr. Santa Claus ♪
♪ Don't want no presents
in my tree ♪
♪ No, the gift I want
is a special one ♪
♪ That only you
can give to me ♪
♪ And that is ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ 'Cause everybody's
dancing now ♪
♪ The Popeye
and papa-oom-mow-mow ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ I've been
such a good little girl ♪
♪ Waitin' all year for you ♪
♪ Now, before you go away,
hop out of your sleigh ♪
♪ And show me a step or two ♪
♪ Hey, Santa ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ 'Cause everybody's
dancing now ♪
♪ The Popeye
and papa-oom-mow-mow ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ Hey, Santa, teach me
every step ♪
♪ To every dance of the day ♪
♪ So I can dance
my nights away ♪
♪ 'Cause when the snow
starts a-fallin' ♪
♪ And the boys
start a-callin' ♪
♪ I'm gonna be on my way ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ 'Cause everybody's
dancing now ♪
♪ The Popeye
and papa-oom-mow-mow ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ Whoa, now ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to mashed potato ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to wiggle wobble ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to locomotion ♪
♪ Hey, Santa, teach me
to holly jolly ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to do the twist ♪
[ Up-tempo Christmas music
plays ]
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho!
until the top of the hour
on a chilly Southern California
Christmas Eve.
I hope you're all staying
inside nice and warm
with the ones you love.
But for those of you
out there riding solo,
this next one goes out to you.
♪ I don't need no presents ♪
♪ 'Round my tree ♪
♪ Or no mistletoe ♪
♪ To share my needs ♪
♪ Christmastime with you ♪
♪ More than enough for me ♪
♪ For me ♪
♪ When... ♪
Uh, hey, Jenna.
Hey, Max.
-Thanks for calling me.
-Yeah.
I saw we were both orphans
on this holiday
and figured we might as well
be orphans together.
Anything's better than
being alone on Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
That sounded awful.
I'm sorry.
No.
It's all right.
So, uh, what is this?
I have no idea,
but I'm pretty sure it's
the only thing playing tonight.
Sounds fantastic.
Although, looks like
a hot ticket.
Hope we can get a seat.
Don't worry.
I made reservations.
Smart man.
Hello.
Uh, there should be two tickets
under Max Clayton.
[ Sighs ]
-Okay. All set.
-[ Cellphone vibrates ]
I'm sorry, I have to take this.
Just one minute.
[ Door closes ]
Okay.
Sorry about that.
-Want to go inside?
-Uh, sure.
MAX: When I was a kid,
I thought it was
"visions of Sugar Plum Fairies
dancing in their heads."
Isn't it?
Interesting crowd.
I guess this is the Christmas
Eve theater crowd, looks like.
[ Door creaks ]
[ Keys clacking ]
[ Snorts ]
DARREN:
Yeah, I'm still on hold.
Do you ever get a negative
answer to that question?
I got to be out of here
by 6:00.
[ Laughs ]
Darren will nail you before you
get anywhere near that exit.
Yeah. Can you see if you can
get that clean this time?
I got to get the twins' toys
together when I get home.
I heard it's mandatory now
because Suzanne
bawled her eyes out
when no one showed up last year.
Oh, shit, the gift exchange.
What are you saying?
I-I-I...
Time is now.
Godspeed.
No, your partner's an idiot.
I don't know why I pay you.
What am I paying you for?
Oh, my God,
you're like my ex-girlfriend.
All you do is bitch.
Just get in there and fucking
tell them, "Quality. Quality."
That's what we are.
Oh, my God.
[ Bossa nova music playing ]
[ Click, music stops ]
It's been a good year
for Chem-Ways.
We've seen some pretty good
growth across the board.
So I would like to take
this moment to dole out
some individual congratulations
on a job well done.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
Oh, we're gonna have to
put a pin in that.
I've got to
hop on this call.
Spencer, can I get you
to take over?
Go for Darren.
Uhh huh huh huh...
Suzanne, you wanted
to go over some rules.
Uh, yes, thank you.
Okay, here are the rules.
Someone will open a gift,
and the next person who opens
one can either keep the gift
or they can steal someone else's
already opened gift.
Got it?
Oh!
This is gonna be so much fun!
[ Giggling ]
Alissa, why don't you go first?
Sure, why not?
This looks like something
I could use.
Balsamic vinegar.
I make it myself!
Let's hope no one
steals that away from you.
Let's hope.
Ty, why don't you
go next, sweetie?
Okay.
-Hey.
-Ah, just kidding.
[ Music box plays ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ People screaming ]
Holy fuck!
SPENCER: I'll call 911.
[ Muffled screaming ]
-I don't have a signal.
-[ Gasps ]
The door's jammed.
There's no signal
on mine either.
Oh, my God!
MANNY:
Scott! Scott! Scott!
Try the office line!
[ Ringing ]
-[ Sawing ]
-[ Muffled screaming ]
[ Groaning and gasping ]
[ Metal clanking ]
[ Man chuckling ]
[ Gasping continues ]
I can't wait
to watch you all die.
[ Cackling ]
Who is this?
Interrupt me again, Spencer,
and I'll eat
your fucking heart out!
-[ Cackling ]
-[ Gas hissing ]
What is that?
I'm filling the room with gas.
[ Cackling ]
And if you don't listen,
you're all gonna die!
I've added a few presents
of my own.
Take turns opening them.
[ Cackles ]
Some could save you, but...
If you live, I'll let you go.
And if you don't play,
you die.
[ Stifled cackling ]
[ Cackling ]
You have 10 minutes
before I kill you myself.
[ Line clicks ]
O-Okay, I have to go.
I have to go now.
-All right, calm down.
-No, no, I can't do this!
-I have to leave. This is crazy.
-Listen, we have 10 minutes.
We've just got to
play his game...
I'm not touching anything
on this table.
I'll go first.
It's empty.
Let me see that.
Bad move, asshole.
What is it?
MAN:
[ Weakly ] Manny.
Manny.
Manny, help me, please.
[ Grunts ]
Hey, hey. You break that, and
all that gas is coming in here.
[ Gasping ]
[ Grunts ]
When I get out of here,
I'm gonna kill you,
you psycho son of a bitch!
[ Grunts ]
[ Gun thuds ]
-You gonna go next?
-Hell no!
He said everyone has to go.
Well, he can go fuck himself!
SPENCER: Scott.
[ Exhales slowly ]
ALISSA:
Wait, wait, wait!
What if it's a bomb?
Everyone opens their gifts
from over here, okay?
Scott.
Yeah, okay.
Fuck it.
[ Soft moaning
and heavy breathing ]
TY: Alissa...
[ Soft moaning
and heavy breathing continues ]
Shut the card.
Kara, shut the card.
Shut the card.
Shut the damn card!
[ Soft moaning
and heavy breathing stops ]
MANNY: Wait a minute.
Oh, shit.
Little Scotty boy
has a thing for Alissa.
Who cares about that right now?
No.
No, no, think about it.
I'm onto something here.
So, what was it, Scott?
Were you in love with her?
Must have been a real bitch
to know she was fucking Ty.
-Knock it off, Manny.
-Get off me.
He's trapped in here
with the rest of us.
Yeah, and Ty's brains
are all over the wall!
This sick psycho
probably got off on it.
-SCOTT: [ Grunts ]
-Manny, stop!
Think about it, Spencer.
It was him.
No one gets in this building
without security clearance.
It had to be one of us, and I'm
picking this jealous psycho.
No. [ Grunts ]
[ Coughing ]
Tell your friend outside to turn
off the gas and open the door.
[ Weakly ] It wasn't me.
It wasn't...
MANNY: It's over!
-But I wasn't...
-Let us out!
That's enough!
[ Coughing ]
Manny!
Oh, no!
-[ Gasps ]
-SUZANNE: No!
Oh, God, no!
Oh, f...
Oh, my God.
[ Whimpering ]
[ Telephone ringing ]
[ Click ]
MAN: [ Crying ] Ohh!
Scott! No!
Scott's gone!
[ Crying ]
[ Cackling ]
No one told you
to stop playing.
[ Line clicks ]
We have to keep going.
[ Gas hissing ]
KARA: Suzanne?
Someone help me
get her away from the vent!
MANNY: [ Coughing ] Kara!
Get back!
[ People coughing ]
KARA: Come on, help!
MANNY: It's too late.
Get away! Come on.
KARA: No, no!
[ Crying ] I'm sorry!
[ Coughing continues ]
Manny, you've got to go now.
Fuck it.
No, open it
over in the corner.
This blows up, I'm taking
all you assholes with me.
Listen, uh,
I just got word from upstairs.
They want us to start trimming
the fat from this floor.
Honestly, I'm surprised
Manny wasn't fired months ago.
DARREN: Sounds good.
SPENCER: Manny.
I don't...
You have no idea
the pressure we're under
to turn a profit here.
Come on, Manny.
We have to stick together.
-No, Manny, stop.
-Kara, get out of the way!
Back off!
You fucking asshole.
We really should've fired you.
[ Gun clicks ]
[ Rattling ]
[ Heavy breathing ]
[ Heavy breathing continues ]
ALISSA:
I just opened this.
-[ Grunting ]
-[ Thudding ]
What are you doing?!
Get off!
[ Grunting continues ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ Stifled snorting ]
What the hell was that?
I have no idea.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Scanner beeping ]
MAN:
Attention, customers.
The store will be closing
in five minutes.
Please take your purchases to
the nearest available register.
From all of us here
at Headley's department store,
we'd like to wish you
a very happy holidays.
[ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
Hey. I'm literally getting
in the car as we speak.
I got everything.
No, they were out of that.
Well, I got everything the store
wasn't already out of.
No, they didn't
have that either.
I'm getting in
the car right now.
Right now. See you in a bit.
Love you.
[ Door unlocking ]
[ Open-door tone sounding ]
[ Cellphone chimes ]
[ Door locks ]
No.
[ Chimes ]
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no!
Fuck!
Aah!
You...
Hello?
I just need to use your phone.
Hello?!
[ Knocks ]
Hello?
I locked my keys...
Hey there.
I'm so sorry to bother you.
I locked myself out of my car.
I was wondering if you had
a phone I could borrow.
-WOMAN: You don't have a phone?
-Yeah, no, I have one.
I just locked it in my car
with my keys.
That sucks.
Uh, yeah, it does.
So do you have one
I could borrow,
just to call
roadside assistance?
Hello?
Sasha, you're making a mess.
Sure.
No problem.
It's a burner.
A prepaid.
So please don't use up
all our minutes.
No problem.
I'll be quick.
[ Cellphone dialing ]
[ Line ringing ]
Hi, I locked my keys
in my car.
Eric Turner.
Member number is 3433-1D.
Date of birth is 12/25/81.
Thanks.
Yeah, I'd really rather not
spend my birthday
in a parking lot, so please tell
me you can send someone soon.
All right, well, if they can
get here a lot sooner,
then I'd really appreciate it.
Merry Christmas.
Thanks.
Mind if I call my wife?
Of course.
Go ahead.
Be quick.
[ Line ringing ]
Hey, it's me.
I'm using someone else's phone.
No, no, no, I'm fine.
I just locked my keys
in the car.
They said 30 to 40 minutes.
No, no, stay there.
No, do not send my dad.
He'd just get lost
and we wouldn't see him again
till the new year.
It's tempting, I know.
I'll be home as soon as I can.
All done?
Yeah. Here.
You sure you don't want
to wait in the van?
You know what?
I should wait by my car.
Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky
and pick the lock.
-Good luck.
-Thanks.
Happy almost birthday.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Blows ]
[ Engine starts ]
[ Engine revs ]
[ Brakes squeak ]
We decided we couldn't let you
freeze to death on Christmas.
Uh, thanks.
[ Whispering ]
Want some?
No, I'm good.
-See? Not poisoned.
-[ Laughs ]
[ Chuckles ]
So, what was the plan, Eric?
Plan?
Yeah.
You having family over
for Christmas Eve?
Yep, yep.
Wife, kids, parents,
the whole nine.
But you know how family gets.
You're around them too much,
and you just want to...
But it's good too.
Do you two have any plans
for the holidays?
You're looking at it.
Do you need any money?
It's the least I can do
since you... you helped me out.
Thanks, but we're okay.
I didn't mean
to insult you guys.
-I just wanted to...
-We're good.
-Is there someone else...
-What?
Your door's open.
Uh, yeah, it's an old van.
This thing is glitchy.
I got it.
-[ Snarls ]
-Jesus Christ!
-What else is back there?
-What are you talking about?
There's something
in the back of your van.
-Just us.
-Hey, come out of there!
Dude, there's no one else there.
[ Whispering ] The tether is
with it, the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
-The evil must not be free.
-Are you okay?
...the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
The evil must not be free.
The tether is with it,
the tether must hold.
Aah!
What the fuck?
Renew the tether
with fresh blood.
The new keeper
has been found.
Aah!
Get the fuck off of me!
We're free.
Let's go.
ERIC: Get off of me!
Sasha, wait!
It's not finished!
Frankie.
How far am I?
[ Breathing heavily ]
Please.
I'll go back.
Please.
I'll go back.
I'll go back.
Please.
Please.
No!
[ Body thuds ]
The tether will hold.
The tether will hold.
Aah!
Get the fuck off! Aah!
-...18, 19...
-What the hell is this?
FRANKIE: ...20,
21.
Oh, shit.
Stop.
Stop or it'll kill your family.
-What?
-If you run, it will kill you.
When it's done with you,
it won't stop killing.
It won't stop until
another tether is found.
You're full of shit.
Hey!
Don't test it, Eric.
-What is it?
-It's pure fucking evil.
You're responsible for it now.
[ Snarls ]
Listen. Listen!
This is important.
Only one who shares
the day of their birth
with the unconquered son
can tether this evil.
It means you were born
on Christmas, Eric.
Just like me,
just like Sasha.
We're the only ones
that can bear the mark,
and we're the only ones
that can keep this evil at bay.
Why?
Who fucking knows?
Okay, you stay within 20 feet of
that thing, and you stay safe.
Your family stays safe.
Everyone's safe.
Once you break that boundary,
you're fucked.
This isn't happening.
I'm going home.
Is your bedroom
within 10 paces of that van?
How about
your children's play room?
You really want that thing
around your family
if you step outside
that circle?
I don't need those.
Maybe you'll get lucky,
find some other loser
born on December 25th.
It only took us three years.
-What's your address?
-Go to hell.
Take me home.
ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Finding directions home.
I'll leave them
on your doorstep.
[ Car door closes,
engine starts ]
Hey.
Happy birthday to us.
[ Keys jingle ]
This isn't happening.
[ Distorted mid-tempo music
playing ]
[ Up-tempo Christmas music
playing ]
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho ho ho!
WOMAN: ...town to bring you joy
on Christmas Eve!
So, Merry Christmas, Steve!
MAN:
My name's not Steve.
No, I'll come after shopping.
WOMAN: From home.
-MAN: No! Get back!
-[ Knocking on door ]
WOMAN:
What did you do to him?
MAN: You don't know
what you're doing! Don't!
[ Sighs ]
-[ Christmas music continues ]
-Oh, shit!
Jesus Christ, Michael.
I see you scaled it back
on the decorations this year.
Oh, yeah, my...
my kids like them.
That sounds awful.
Oh, I don't mind
putting up the decorations.
No, I meant having kids.
Uh, speaking of which, my, uh...
my eldest
is collecting donations
for the United National
Christmas Fund.
Wanted to know if you
could toss in a few bucks.
What's wrong? He can't come over
and beg for money himself?
Come on, Chet, it's...
it's for a good cause.
Fine.
Let me get my wallet.
What's happening?
Oh, my God, the door
won't stop closing.
It's like it has
a mind of its own.
I know you trashed
my light-up Santa!
Asshole.
It's just a meager pittance.
It does not matter
in the least.
His heart does not
warm that way.
-But it's Christmas.
-He cares not about the date.
Fuck this.
-Linda.
-You've got to be kidding me.
-It's Christmas Eve.
-That isn't work, is it?
No. No, Mom,
it's just a friend.
A friend she's banging.
-Is your friend coming over?
-No, no, he's not.
-Is dinner ready yet?
-Did you ask him?
Yeah, Linda, did you ask me?
Who's she talking to?
Fine. Would you like
to come over for dinner?
No, I have plans.
O-Oh, yeah, okay.
Uh, what...
what are those plans?
I was gonna have you come over
so we could eat sushi
off each other's naked bodies.
You know, I could just pick up
an order to go
on my way over there.
Does your mom like tuna rolls
or spicy beef or...
-Very funny.
-[ TV turns on ]
Perhaps that's
the answer he's looking for.
What the fuck?
I'm afraid it'll only fill him
with more loneliness.
-Hello? What's going on?
-Nothing.
-I'll call you back in a minute.
-Merry Christ...
[ Knocking on door ]
-[ Christmas music continues ]
-What?! Shit!
[ Sighs ]
Hey, Mike?
Keep your trash off my property!
I'm keeping this!
You will be visited
by three ghosts.
[ Clatters ]
Pure poppycock!
Yes.
Yes, t-that's all
that it is.
This is poppycock.
Perhaps a tonic
will help settle this.
[ Snorting ]
[ Snorting ]
[ Coughs ] Aah!
[ Coughs ]
[ Child giggling ]
How'd you get in here?
Are you Michael's brat?
Would you look
at little Chester?
Aren't you the most adorable
little thing?
Now, sing a Christmas song
for Grandma.
Come on, Chester. Sing a song
for your grandmother.
Anybody care
if I get out of here?
-Honey, it's... it's Christmas.
-Yeah, we opened the presents.
Oh, just let him
go to a bar already.
-He's not gonna go...
-Why don't we all go to a bar?
-Would you two stop?
-Please, sing [Sighs]
See what happens when you
don't do what you're told?
Now sing for Grandma.
Come on, kid, sing!
Now!
Sing the goddamn song.
Honey, language.
Sing.
-Stop it!
-Sing!
Stop it!
Leave me alone!
[ Breathing heavily ]
Fuck. Fuck!
Oh, my God.
Where's my fucking phone?
Um... Um...
I'm calling the cops!
R-Right now!
Yes, Officer,
my home is being invaded!
My address is 2740 Chandler Way!
Oh, you're coming right now
with a SWAT team?!
Thank you, Officer!
You're fucked now!
[ Panting ]
Fuck.
[ Sighs ]
I've got a gun.
You got three seconds before
I come out shooting!
MAN:
[ Singsong ] Chet.
All alone on Christmas, Chet?
What of it?
No, I think it's great.
You got that right.
No stupid decorations,
no annoying friends.
Freeloading family around
to suffocate us.
Hell yeah,
we got this shit beat.
I don't think there's
anywhere else to go.
Wait.
-Yeah.
-What are you talking about?
I think we're done here.
It's been a wonderful
fucking life, bro.
No fucking way!
Then why are you doing that?
[ Gasping ] Fuck!
[ Choking ]
Fuck.
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho ho ho!
You rosy-cheeked son of a bitch.
[ Knock on door ]
Okay, I know
I'm a little bit drunk,
but I think this is something
we need to discuss.
Okay, we have been neighbors now
for five years,
and every Christmas, you...
Is that my Santa?
Ho ho ho ho ho!
What, are you stealing
my Christmas decorations now?!
No!
No, no, no, no, no.
No, shut up!
I don't want to hear it!
Every year, it's the same
"I hate Christmas" routine.
-Help me.
-Man, let go!
No, I have to show you
something in the bathroom!
What is wrong with you, man?!
Oh, shit.
A sad fate to die all alone
without a friend.
I'm not alone.
I have friends.
There he'll lie to rot away.
Someone'll come by
any minute now.
Linda's probably on her way
over here right now.
But, Chet, she has her family
to keep her company tonight.
She probably started
heading over here
the second I got off
the phone with her.
I'll get some CPR.
I'll be good as fucking new.
And then drinks
and blowjobs later. You'll see.
Oh, yes, of course.
Drinks and blowjobs.
I'm sure of it.
Poor deluded bastard.
What are you doing?
No, they'll come.
They'll come.
Stop.
Stop it!
Stop it.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Aaah!
Aaah!
All that's left
is food for the rats.
[ Rat squeaking ]
-[ Flesh crunches ]
-[ Screaming ]
Oh, I can't watch.
Let me have a look.
[ Screaming ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Knock on door ]
Ohh, ohh...
Aah!
[ Panting ]
I know I am a little bit drunk,
but we need to discuss this.
Okay, we have been neighbors
for five years now,
and every year at Christmas,
you pull the same shit.
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
[ Gasps ]
[ Christmas music continues ]
For your kid.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Whoo!
Merry Christmas!
Whoo!
God, I hate Christmas.
Is that my wreath?
[ Laughing ]
Whoo!
[ Laughing ]
[ Door creaks ]
[ Footsteps ]
[ Sighs ]
Do you want to?
I have to pee.
Is that too much information
on a first date?
Is this a date?
Should I be asking that?
Just go.
-Go.
-Okay.
Could I get a water?
[ Sighs ]
Thanks.
MAX: Don't patronize me.
No, I can't. I'm fine.
Yes, I know it's tonight.
Because I'm out with someone.
-I just...
-Hey.
Is everything all right?
Uh, yeah, I'm just dealing
with some work stuff.
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
Sorry, I have to take this.
Uh, I'll see you inside?
-Uh, see you there.
-Leave me alone.
-Sorry about that.
-It's all right.
Not a lot of people coming back
from intermission.
-Do you think we could...
-Shh.
[ Footsteps ]
[ Door closes ]
[ Engine running ]
[ Down-tempo country music
playing ]
...in the middle
of a 24-hour rock block
of all Christmas hits here
in Southern California...
[ Crash ]
Shit!
God damn it!
Fuck.
[ Grunting ]
[ Animal bellowing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Soft snarling ]
Who's there?
Are these the prints?
-Hi.
-Hi.
And I'll take this.
I didn't think you were
coming until tomorrow.
Well, I didn't want to
put this off another day,
so I decided to change
my travel plans.
You, my friend,
should be very flattered.
[ Laughs ]
And plus I couldn't leave you
all alone on Christmas, right?
Who knows that kind of
trouble you'd get into.
[ Laughs ]
Let me have a look.
Some of my favorites.
I guess they're not bad.
-[ Clattering ]
-Oh, are you expecting someone?
No.
Come on.
[ Clattering ]
[ Animal snorts ]
[ Bellowing
WOMAN: What was that?
-[ Clattering ]
-What...
-There's somebody upstairs.
-Well, who is it?
-Who's upstairs?
-I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
I'm gonna go look.
You stay right here.
[ Soft snarling ]
-[ Growling ]
-No.
No! No!
[ Stabbing ]
[ Moaning ]
Guy?
Guy?
Guy, what happened in here?
[ Snarls softly ]
-[ Growling ]
-[ Screaming ]
[ Screams ]
[ Bellowing ]
[ Stomach gurgling ]
Sorry.
[ Exhales slowly ]
[ Door creaks ]
[ Door locks ]
Not tonight.
Not tonight.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Hello?
GABBY:
Hey, Steve, where are you?
-Home.
-Well, are you coming over?
I told you I can't
go out tonight, Gabby.
Come on, it's Christmas Eve.
You can't spend it alone.
I have to.
[ Knock on window ]
[ Knock on window ]
Gabby!
Dude, let me in.
What are you doing in there?
-Merry Christmas!
-Merry Christmas!
[ Cheering ]
We brought Christmas dinner
to you, you grumpy bastard.
You shouldn't have done that.
I know we shouldn't
have done it,
but we're awesome,
so deal with it.
-I'll warm everything up.
-Oh, I'll help.
-I'll grab the serving dishes.
-I'm gonna make myself a drink.
How do you not have bitters?
Whoa!
What's up?
We're just gonna talk, right?
You couldn't have picked
a worse time.
Okay, listen.
It started
10 years ago tonight.
Before that day,
I always celebrated Christmas.
-But then...
-Hey, guys, dinner's ready.
-I'm gonna leave you two alone.
-GABBY: Actually, you know what?
I need a cigarette
before dinner.
We'll talk about this later.
-Gabby!
-Later!
Oh, that's really weird.
Hey, guys, come check out
this star.
MAN:
Atomic activity on the moon.
MAN #2:
I never saw anything like them.
They must be
from another planet.
ALIEN: You aren't going in
the right direction, Earth man.
MAN #3:
Let's get out of here!
-MAN #4: And leave the ray gun?
-MAN #3: What else can we do?
Oh, I just had
the strangest...
Oh. I don't remember
bringing all of this.
Would you like to come in
and eat with us?
-Sure.
-Would you like to sit here?
It is the only empty chair.
[ Clears throat ]
Should we say a blessing?
Steve, would you like to?
I don't know one.
Gabby, would you?
Uh, I-I don't
really know one either.
I have to use the bathroom.
[ Sighs ]
Do you like Christmas, Gabby?
Yeah, sure.
Could you tell us about one
of your own Christmas memories?
Uh, you guys
are messing with me, right?
Oh, did you guys
get high without...
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Fuck, Steve!
Steve, are you still there?
Oh, my God, Steve,
what have you done?
Not what you think.
Would you like to join us
for dinner, Steve?
Looks like you got
invited to the party.
[ Laughing ] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God,
you guys suck so bad.
Yeah, nice joke.
[ Laughs ]
Okay, you got me.
[ Chuckles ]
It was a good prank, okay?
Now stop being assholes.
I got to smoke a cigarette.
Would you like to join us
for dinner, Gabby?
Yeah, Gabby, join us for dinner.
Tried to warn you.
Would you like to sit here
in the only empty chair?
[ Sighs ]
Would you like to
say a blessing?
So, what's going on here, Steve?
Is this, like, group hypnosis?
Did you get a book on how to
hypnotize your friends
at dinner parties?
Would you like to
say a blessing?
They're not our friends.
They just took on their forms.
What do you mean, "they"?
Would you like
to say a blessing?
You had me with the gun thing,
but you kind of lost me with...
Would you like
to say a blessing?
Jesus Christ, Mary!
-Amen.
-Amen.
[ Laughter ]
Would you like eggnog?
Would you like
some m-m-mixed nuts?
Would you like to help us
decorate a tree?
You're the one who wanted
to spend Christmas with me.
[ Sighs ]
What the hell do they want?
Not sure.
They just take me up
and ask me questions.
Have you ever asked them?
No, Gabby, in 10 years
I've never once asked them
what their end game might be.
Would you like to enjoy
some more sugary foods?
No, thank you.
Would you like to open
your presents now?
Why are you doing this?
[ Screeching ]
I forgot to tell you,
they don't really like it
when you ask that question.
GABBY: I hate it.
I hate it. Okay.
So, what happens now?
We play their game.
Oh, screw that. I'm gonna
take my chances out there.
Take a seat.
Yeah, okay.
Sure.
Who wants to g-go first?
Gabby, would you like
to open your present first?
Okay.
[ Paper crinkles ]
Do you like it?
Yes.
Steve, would you like
to go next?
Okay.
[ Wrapping crinkles ]
Okay, I'm done now.
C-Can I please go home?
Don't you want to open
your other present?
You...
Okay, I'm...
I'm done with this.
Can I just go now?
-What's wrong, Gabby?
-Don't you like it?
Isn't it what
you've always wanted?
Shut up, Mary.
Why is it so important for Steve
to celebrate Christmas?
-Why Gabby?
-Why Gabby?
-Why Gabby?
-Why?
Because I never
had one, okay?!
My parents
didn't celebrate Christmas,
so we never put up a tree
and I never got any presents.
And this...
This was the doll that
I begged for and I never got.
Why don't you guys go abduct
my parents and ask them
why they had to be such
assholes every December 25th?
So now that I'm older,
I hold the holidays
pretty fucking dear to my heart.
So merry fucking Christmas.
Are you fucking happy?
Ow!
-Are we back?
-I think so.
Thought you might want this.
[ Down-tempo "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas" playing ]
Merry Christmas.
[ Stomach gurgling ]
Hey.
Thanks for calling me.
I noticed we're both orphans
this holiday,
so why not
be orphans together?
Anything beats being alone
on Christmas Eve.
That sounded awful.
I'm so sorry.
That's fine.
Interesting-looking crowd.
Yeah,
I guess this is what
the Christmas Eve theater crowd
looks like.
-What's wrong? Are you okay?
-I'll... I'll be right back.
Guess a lot of people aren't
coming back from intermission.
Max?
-Do you think we could...
-Shh.
[ Retching ]
[ Gasping ]
Sorry.
What's wrong?
Are you okay?
MAN:
I'll be right back.
WOMAN: Max?
Are you there?
I'm sorry.
I can't do it.
I tried.
I thought...
I thought I could beat it.
But it's too close now.
It's too late.
[ Breathing heavily ]
I'm sorry.
I...
I have to feed.
Is it over?
I'm starving.
How about you?
[ Exhales sharply ]
Oh, is it over?
I'm starving.
How about you?
[ Snarls ]
Whoa. Hey.
Are you okay?
[ Laughing ]
[ Up-tempo rock music plays ]
♪ Dum dooby doo ♪
♪ Dooby dooby dum,
dum dooby doo ♪
♪ Dooby dooby dum, ahhh ♪
♪ Hey, Mr. Santa Claus ♪
♪ Don't want no presents
in my tree ♪
♪ No, the gift I want
is a special one ♪
♪ That only you
can give to me ♪
♪ And that is ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ 'Cause everybody's
dancing now ♪
♪ The Popeye
and papa-oom-mow-mow ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ I've been
such a good little girl ♪
♪ Waitin' all year for you ♪
♪ Now, before you go away,
hop out of your sleigh ♪
♪ And show me a step or two ♪
♪ Hey, Santa ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ 'Cause everybody's
dancing now ♪
♪ The Popeye
and papa-oom-mow-mow ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ Hey, Santa, teach me
every step ♪
♪ To every dance of the day ♪
♪ So I can dance
my nights away ♪
♪ 'Cause when the snow
starts a-fallin' ♪
♪ And the boys
start a-callin' ♪
♪ I'm gonna be on my way ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ 'Cause everybody's
dancing now ♪
♪ The Popeye
and papa-oom-mow-mow ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to dance ♪
♪ Whoa, now ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to mashed potato ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to wiggle wobble ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to locomotion ♪
♪ Hey, Santa, teach me
to holly jolly ♪
♪ Hey, Santa,
teach me to do the twist ♪
[ Up-tempo Christmas music
plays ]
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho!