Ali Siddiq: It's Bigger Than These Bars (2018) - full transcript

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

[ Sirens wailing ]
Man: In pursuit of suspect

west on Hall Road.

[ Sirens wailing ]
I'm Ali Siddiq.

I was arrested at 19 years old
for drug trafficking.

[ Police radio chatter ]

Man, they caught me
with five bricks,

"kilos" for those who've
never been in the streets.

It's not comfortable
back here!

♪♪

After doing 6 years
on a 15-year sentence,



when you get out,

all people think you're going
to do is more crime.

Now, after 20 years,
I'm back to do my stand-up

in front of currently
incarcerated folks

to let the world know

that you can do
whatever you put your mind to,

because it's bigger
than these bars.

♪♪

[ All cheering,
chanting indistinctly ]

♪♪

Man, y'all, have a seat, man.

First of all,
thank y'all for being here.

Now, it's not like
y'all had a choice or nothing.

[ Laughter ]



What you was going to do, sit
in your cell or come to a show?

You know, it's free.

You already paid the cost
to be here.

This -- Don't --

[ Laughter ]

Man, this is my 20th year

of being out
of the penitentiary.

I got arrested 20 years ago.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I actually came from exactly
where you sitting now

to where I'm standing now
in 20 years.

It took me that long

with patience.

I went to jail not too long ago.
It's crazy.

I've been out 20 years

and went to jail on the way
to take my son to school.

You can get caught
with 4 ounces of marijuana,

it's a ticket, Class B.
I read it.

Verbatim. Read every sentence
of that shit.

I know it. It is a ticket,
ticket, Class B, ticket.

So, I get pulled over,

and the man said,
"Can you tell me

why is a strong aroma
of marijuana

coming from your truck?"
And I said --

I'm being very cavalier
'cause I know the law.

I said, "Um, I don't know
about strong, but...

[ Laughter ]

But it's right there in that
little ashtray right there."

And he's like, "Can you step
out of the car?"

I'm like, "No.
Can you write me a ticket

so I can go about my way?
I'm taking my son to school."

Man, you know, this man,
he done call so many people

over half a blunt, it look like
they done busted El Chapo.

[ Laughter ]

So, boom, I'm in the back.
The man taking me to jail.

I get to jail,
and I'm very, very cavalier,

because I'm the spokesperson
for a bonding company.

Yeah. Yeah. I got
a bonding company on deck.

And the commercial says,

"Midtown Bail Bond.

If you got to jail,
we'll get you out."

So how the hell
they gon' leave me in there?

I'm the spokesperson.

[ Laughter ]

Your goddamn spokesperson
can't be walking through jail.

"Ain't you the spokesperson?"

"Nope. They fired me."
It's crazy.

Clearly, I'm not going
to be here long at all.

And the officer said,
"In order to get a bond,

you got to see the judge."

I said, "Well, shit,
where the judge at?

Let's get it popping."

He said, "I'm-a see
about you seeing a judge,

but right now, we need to put
you in this holding cell."

And when I'm about
to walk in the holding cell,

the man told me,
"Hey, let me get them shoes."

I say, "What you need
my shoes for?"

He said, "'Cause we can't
have you killing yourself

while you in this cell."
I said, "Brother,

let me explain something to you.

Y'all busted me
for a half a blunt.

You should be embarrassed.

And I am embarrassed
for somebody

who got busted the first time
with 5 kilos of coke.

Now you got me here
on a goddamn half a blunt?

I'm ashamed of me and you."

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Hey. What's happening?

-So, really.
-Can I get up here?

You know, out of respect,
where you want me to sit?

I don't want to be
on your pillow.
I mean, this is hers.

-Whose bunk?
-Help yourself.

Jail boos, I don't want
to be disrespectful.

[ Laughter ]

Has anybody in here
ever been to prison?

I've been.
Went TDC plus treatment.

What grabbed me really
about your act tonight

was the fact that you said,
even after 20 years,

you found yourself
back in that same situation.

Well, after 20-plus years,

I found myself
in the same situation,

which is right here.

Um, I graduated
from that program,

went to college, got a degree,
went back and worked

at the same facility
in which I was an inmate, so...

-Get out of Dodge.
-And once again, here I am.

Like I used to tell my clients,

it's a matter
of timing and circumstances,

basically, is what it is,

timing, circumstances,
and your choices.

How you feel your body
holding up here?

This is not a -- It's not a lot.
It's not a lot of cushion.

I feel every crook,
every cranny.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Man, when I was in that cell,

my body has not recovered

from that one night in jail.

Everything hurt. Back hurt.

And I'm a pretty fit athlete,
you know, 'cause when --

You know, me, I try to stay fit.

You know, I play in the over-40
basketball league, you know?

I was MVP 2 years in a row.

Yeah, 41 and 42.
[ Laughter ]

I got cocky. I took my MVP game
down to the gym,

the real gym
where young boys play,

'cause when you in the over-40
league, you know, it's easy.

It's easy. You quick.
You out there doing your thing.

And people over 40 got respect.

When somebody hit a shot on you,
they just run down the court,

and they look at you.
"That's it. Boy, gotcha."

That's it.

Young boys are disrespectful.

They disrespectful at that gym.
So, I'm down. I'm at the gym,

and I got my situation down.
You know what I'm saying?

My defense is tight
on this young boy.

I'm right here with it.

Man, this little young boy
crossed me over so fast

that I --
Let me tell you something.

I know y'all know
what a crossover is.

I know you know what a crossover
is, when somebody go this way

and then cut back this way
real fast with the ball.

The man crossed me over so fast

that I just went
to the water fountain.

[ Laughter ]

I had to ask other people.
I said, "Did you see him?

Did you see him?"

The dude say, um,
"Man, you just got AI'd."

I said, "AI'd?
What the hell is AI'd?"

This dude say, "Hey, man,

remember when Allen Iverson
crossed over Jordan?"

I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Yeah. That's AI'd."

I said, "I'd be damned
you gon' cross me over

and give me a nickname out here.
I be goddamned."

And, see, the young boy
disrespectful, man.

He disrespectful.
I'm running down the court.

He's next to me.
"Yeah, boy.

Yeah. You just got AI'd, boy."

So, people don't remember the
very next play, very next play.

Jordan came down,
hit a long-range jumper

in Allen Iverson's face,
very next play.

I say, "Yeah,
that's what I'm going to do.

That's what I'm going to do.
Ball up.

Ball up. Ball up. Ball up."

Ran up on the young boy. Unh.
Long-range jumper.

Shot the ball.
Hit the jumper. Back went out.

[ Laughter ]

Man, I'm going out
the damn gym in a stretcher.

[ Laughter ]

"Wait. Oh --"
When they about to wheel me out,

I say, "Wait. Wait.
Wait. Wait. Wait.

My son's in the daycare.
My son's in the daycare."

So they had to go to the daycare
and find my son. And my son --

I can't help them 'cause
I'm on the stretcher already.

So the paramedics just
picking up random black kids,

showing them to me.
"This your baby right here?

This your --

What about this one?
This yours?

This yours right here?"
And I know it took 20 minutes,

'cause my son ain't going
to let nobody just grab him.

This boy go running,
sliding, fighting them.

So they finally get my son,
finally get my son,

put my son on my chest.

Now I'm getting rolled out
of the gym

like a goddamn NFL player.

[ Laughter ]

You know, when you go out a gym

on a stretcher...

...you know you can never
go back to that gym again?

Do you know that?

Six months later, man,
I walked in that gym,

and the dude is like,
"Ooh, there goes stretcher man."

I said, "I'm not no goddamn
stretcher man."

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

What's up, gentlemen?
Man, how are you?

What's up, man?
Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Most people don't know that I
was incarcerated for six years.

Most people don't know that.

That's why I came back
to do my special here.

People mostly don't realize
that jail is not just physical.

It's mental.
It's a mental thing.

I don't never try to forget
this place. Never.

That's when I was in for,
thinking I was invincible.

One thing I've been trying
to forget,

my SPN number.

Can't.

Can't.

One time, I thought I forgot it,

and it popped right back
in my head.

[ Chuckles ]

679346.

-Mm.
-671250.

-871415.
-334252.

2128235.

Mental is way more destructive
than physical,

because they ain't physically
put that number on none of us.

Ain't nowhere on your skin
you can look at it,

but they burnt it in your brain.

-Yeah.
-Real talk.

Real talk.
Once they gave it to me,

it's like
what you just said.

Sometimes, you can't
even remember

-your Social Security number.
-Your own name.

Your whole name,
but you know that number,

'cause that's the main thing
what they go by, that number,

so you got to
remember that number.

And that's cold-blooded, man.

You're no different than
somebody who been at war,

the post-traumatic stress.

-You got it.
-Mm-hmm.

Man, I been out for 20 years,

and you think that,
oh, it's no effects.

I'm the same as everybody here.

I'm the exact same.

It's ups and downs with me.

It's mental challenges with me.

If I see myself getting loud
in an argument,

let me walk off,

'cause I already know
where it's gon' go.

I want to be mentally free

so I can stay physically free.

Mm-hmm.

♪♪

See, there's a difference
between jail and prison,

totally different,
totally different.

Jail, you got a lot of hopes

that you going
to get out of here.

Prison, you sign for what
you're going to sign for.

You got to start walking your
walk, locking your mind in.

Been out 20 years, man.

You know, I still go in
the bathroom of my own house,

go in the bathroom, sit down,

and turn that water on
so I can have some noise.

[ Laughter ]

Disrespect is
the number-one thing

they do out there in society.

And anything -- Like, me,
this what I find disrespectful.

And I don't like -- 'Cause
I don't like lines, man.

I don't like lines,
and that's a direct effect

from being in prison.

I don't like lines at all.

I don't like people
standing close to me,

and they disrespectful.

This is how much space
I give you.

If I'm behind you in line,

I'm-a give you this much space
in the free society.

You may want to start
[bleep] salsa'ing.

I'm not finna be in your way.

I'm going to give you
this much space.

People in the free society,
they up on you like this.

And you be like, "Say, man,

can you back the [bleep] up
a little bit, man?"

People in the free society,

they don't give a shit
about no space.

Soon as you move, they --

[ Laughter ]

Ever been to the grocery store?

You in line.
You stand like a normal human.

They come up like...

I know damn well...

I know damn well my man
ain't up on me like that.

And you, as a normal
human being,

you try to scoot up
a little bit, you know?

Okay. I'm normal. I'm cool.

Soon as you move up...

[ Laughter ]

I tested this dude one time.

I was going to see how deep
he was going to go.

I stepped to the side.

This mother came
right behind me.

I said, "Man, get your ass
back over there.

Follow me around
this damn grocery store."

[ Laughter ]

So I'm going to tell you
why I don't like lines, man,

'cause when you locked up,
there's some gates, man.

And before you go
in that cell, they say,

"Take your white off.
Just keep your boxers on."

So you move to this gate,
and they packing people in here.

They packing people in.

You don't want
anybody up on you.

You're like, "Hey, man,
give me some space.

All this me right here.
All this me."

So then you a rational person.

You understand that if I had
clothes on over there,

I have boxers on right here.

It's another gate.

Yeah, I'm going to end up
naked over there.

I can see this coming.

I can see the process coming.

So next gate, they process.
You come to the next gate.

Soon as you go, he's like,
"Let me get them boxers."

So now you damn sure don't want
nobody talking to you now.

You want all your space
because you're naked.

This is your first time
that you like,

"Yo, all this me right here."
Dude is talking to you.

"Hey, man,
what you in here for?"

Killing mother[bleep]
who talking to me naked!

Get your ass away from me!

[ Laughter ]

Don't want nobody
talking to me, man.

And then shit getting worse
'cause you come out.

Man, in the line, they taking
people out, and you hearing it.

You hearing it.
You ain't paying attention.

You hearing, "Heel to toe,
heel to toe!"

Now, if this your first rodeo,

and you don't know
what heel to toe is,

so, this is a person.

They want you to come out,

put your heels --
put your toes on their heels.

I walked out.
I ain't know what they mean.

I just stood in line.

Man say, "Scoot up. We don't
want no gaps in the line."

[ Laughter ]

He say, "Man, all the way up,
heel to toe!"

Mm-hmm.

I said, "I can't
stand up like that.

How you supposed
to stand up like that?"

I said, "I can't
stand up like that."

He said, "Go up!

Turn around!

Put your toes on --"

So I'm standing like this.

I'm leaning on the dude
in front of me like --

I say, "Hey, dawg,
no disrespect.

I'm going to just
lean right here,

'cause I don't want
my meat all up on you.

I'm good."

Man, he brought
some more people.

I said, "Hold on, man."

He brought two more people.
I slid out of line.

Y'all go up.

I'm going to be in the back,
man, going to be in the back.

That man came back and said,
"Did you move?"

I said, "Yeah, 'cause
you brought two more people,

and they looked like
they was very comfortable

with the heel to toe, and I just
want to hold the back down

if that's cool with you." He
said, "Man, don't move no more."

I said, "Well, don't bring
no more people."

[ Laughter ]

Officer said, "Boy, if you move
again, we going to beat you."

And, see, I'm one of the people,
you got to prove that to me.

I'm like, "Yeah, whatever."

Soon as that man left --
Brought another person.

Soon as he left, I said,

"Man, go on up.
I'm going to hold the back down.

I been in the back.
I'm going to stay in the back."

[ Laughter ]

Them officers took me
in the back.

They wore me out a little bit.
They beat me down.

So, they brought me back.
I'm raggedy.

I'm raggedy. And they put me
back in the line,

so I'm in line, and they got me
heel to toe, got me heel to toe,

but I'm so resilient
that I done turn --

My feet still stable,

but I done turn my whole body
this way.

I'm standing like this,
and the officer come by.

He said, "Yeah, as long
as your ass don't move."

I said, "Hey, long as I got
penises on my side,

not on my ass, I'm good."

♪♪

Look, I really believe, man,
that they should do intake --

They should do the whole process
in high schools, right,

from whenever you get
to 10th grade,

-10th on up, 10th, every year.
-9th grade.

-Oh, you say 9th?
-9th grade.

9th grade.
You start intake in 9th grade.

Man, I'm going to tell you
nobody go to prison.

Soon as you come in here,
"Hey, get your books.

I need you heel to toe."

[ Laughter ]

Put your backpack on.

Yeah, just your backpack on,
naked with your backpack on.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

♪♪

I served six years in prison
for drug trafficking.

Some of y'all can
probably relate to that,

some of y'all, not looking
at nobody in particular.

Man, what you in here for?

Assault? When you got here,
was you liquored up?

Yeah, so they got a tape on you
in that intake going wild?

If I asked them people
to run back your video,

it's going to just you be --
This is what I'm-a see.

I'm-a just see you
walking in pleasant?

"This is where I sit? Okay."

That's what -- Nah, see,
usually, it comes like this.

"I don't give a -- Yo, dawg,
it ain't even me!

It ain't even me!
He put his hand on me first!"

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Anybody can go to jail
on any given day.

You know, you one drink --
that most people out there

are one drink away
from ending up in jail?

I don't drink dark liquor
at all. Don't drink dark liquor.

If I'm going to drink anything,
and I don't really drink,

but if I'm going to drink,
I'm going to drink a margarita.

That's it, margarita,
and I want it frozen.

I want a frozen margarita
with sugar, salt on the top

with all the fruit in the world
in it and two straws,

and I'm going to walk through
the club just like this.

You ain't never seen nobody
with a margarita frowning.

Margarita's a happy drink.

Even if you are frowning, I can
put a margarita in your hand.

You...

[ Laughter ]

Nobody goes to jail
on a margarita.

They sell you a pitcher
of margarita.

Do they sell you
a pitcher of Hennessey?

Hell no.

If you buy a pitcher
of Hennessey,

you going straight to prison.
You going to skip jail.

You just going to just
wind up in prison,

like, "Man, how I get here?"

"You drank a pitcher
of Hennessey!"

Dark liquor and attitude
get your ass in trouble.

So, we coming out the club.

My cousin talking loud, X,
Y, and Z, and the officer says,

"Hey, brother. Hey, brother.

Can you lower your voice?"

Because he's being loud
and belligerent.

And we were. We were,

you know what I'm saying,
because we're happy.

My cousin want to stand right
by the officer and talk shit.

He say, "Hey, man,
don't tell me how to talk

and how loud to talk,"
and stepped towards the officer.

The officer said,
"Hey, hey, boy,

don't do that. Don't take
another step toward me,

'cause I'm going
to stun-gun your ass."

My cousin, on that liquor,

"Hey, the hell you mean
you gon' stun-gun me?"

Margaritas. Margaritas.
I got good understanding.

I'm margarita. I stay down.
I say, "Hey, stun gun,

means he's going to
electrocute you, dawg.

He's about to electrocute you.
That's what he's trying to do.

Electrocution is
about to happen, son."

My cousin --
But I knew what happen.

My cousin in a fraternity,

and that man said
don't step towards him.

And I know that's all my cousin
heard was don't step,

'cause his response was,

"Man, don't tell me
not to goddamn step.

I'll step on over this bitch!"

As soon as he spun around,
that man stun-gunned his ass.

And what I'm mad about,
my cousin gon' grab me,

and now we both...

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Is it a lot of fighting in jail?

Absolutely.

It's just little petty shit
that wouldn't really bother you,

but it's going
to set you off like that.

I don't think there's many ways
here to release your anger.

You already frustrated.

Somebody come up to you
talking crazy, normally,

on a good day, you'd be like,
"Man, go on ahead."

But that one day when you got
everything else going wrong,

and somebody come at
you crazy and just --

[ Humming ]

You regret it afterwards,
because you're like,

"I probably shouldn't have took
my anger out on them like that,

but, I mean, it's sad to say,
but you feel better.

It's like, I mean, I'm just
being honest. I felt better.

The thing that saved me
a lot was push-ups.

After you do 100 push-ups,

you really kind of
don't want to fight no more.

You're like, "No, I'm cool."

[ Laughter ]

Push-ups was a lot
of therapy for me.

If it wasn't for push-ups, I'd
have probably did a lot worse.

♪♪

I used to drink Hennessey.

Let me tell you, I used
to drink Hennessey heavy,

never had a single shot
of Hennessey,

not one single shot,
always had doubles.

So, go to happy hour.

I'm in happy hour,
drinking dark liquor.

I'm 10 Hennesseys in.
Yeah, 10 of them.

Can't make no good
decisions now. 10.

Hennessey taking over my life.

Dude bump into me.

Normal mind, a normal
human being --

You in the club.
The club is packed.

People gon' bump
into each other.

Man bumped into me, made me
spill Hennessey on my shirt.

Normal mind, you know,
this is nothing,

people bumping into people.

That Hennessey said, "No.

[ Laughter ]

No.

He being disrespectful.
He being disrespectful,

and you should tell him."

So I went and told the dude.
I say, "Say, my man,

say, my man, say, my man,
you being disrespectful, dawg.

You being disrespectful."
Dude told me, too.

He said, "Go on on, little dawg.

Go on, little dawg. Go on on."

I would've went on.

My normal mind,
I'd have just went on.

I'd just went on,
but that Hennessey said, "No.

[ Laughter ]

You should swing on him.
You should swing on him."

Man, I swung with that man.

That man whooped my ass
'cause I was drunk.

Let me tell you how I know
I got my ass whooped,

'cause my shoe came off.
My shoe came off.

You know how embarrassing it is
to be walking in a club

looking for your shoe?

I was like, "Shit,
I wasn't even over here."

But, see, I got pride.
My pride, though. My pride.

That man whooped me,
that man whooped me about 12:15.

So I got time. I got time to go
to my truck and sober up.

I got time. I got time 'cause
the club don't close till 2:30.

I got time.
I'm trying to sober myself up.

Yeah, get it together.

Get it together.
Get it together.

Around 2:30, that man
walk out of that club.

He drunk now. He drunk now.
I'm right there.

And I knew I was wrong
when I walked up.

I say, "Hey, remember me?
You whooped my ass around 12:15.

I'm back."
Whooped that man's ass

right there in front
of that club,

knocked his ass smooth out.

But I'm so petty. I'm so petty.

I'm so petty.
His shoes didn't come off.

I'm mad 'cause his shoes
didn't come off,

so I took his shoes off

and threw the mother[bleep]
two different directions.

He'll find them when he get up.
[Bleep] it.

[ Laughter ]

I've been --
I done fought a lot.

I done had a lot of fights.
You look at my face.

I got all type of scars
and scratches.

I done earned each
and every last one of them.

Now, I ain't never been bullied.

I had a good mama.
I had a good parent

that said, "Hey, ain't no
bullying in life for us, baby.

You going to be too small
to get bullied.

You going to be tough."

My mama grab me.
I'm about 6 years old.

I'm walking through the house.
My mama grabbed me by my shirt.

"Hey, boy, let me
tell you something.

Either you fight in the street
or you fight me."

I'm like, "Shit,
what you heard? I'm 6."

[ Laughter ]

So you learn
that you going to fight.

I never got bullied, man.

Let me tell you a story.
I'm at the basketball court.

Me and this dude get into it.

I beat him up.

His three brothers come back,
jump on me, beat me up.

I go home. I go home.

I'm sitting on the couch.
My mom walked in.

"Hey, boy, what's wrong
with you?"

I say, "Um, these three boys

jumped on me
at the basketball court.

You know what I'm saying?"
She said,

"Shit. They damn sure
whooped your ass,

got you in here looking like
Cuba Gooding Jr.

in 'Boyz n the Hood'
after Rickie got killed."

If you never saw the movie,
that mean I had blood all over.

So my mama told my sister,
"Hey, go get my purse.

We about to go back down there."

And I'm sitting there like this.

I don't want to go back
down there.

I just told you they jumping
on people down there.

I just told you that.

My mama said,
"Get your ass up, boy."

You know how embarrassing it is
to walk to a fight

with your mama and your sister?

You don't even want to go.
You're walking slow.

Come on. Bring your ass on.

Get down there. Mama's like,
"Point them out!"

[ Laughter ]

My mama got them boys together.

"Come here, you little
ignorant ass boy.

Let me tell you something.
You don't jump on my damn son.

You want to fight my son, fight
my son right now, one-on-one."

I was like this.

[ Laughter ]

Five fights in one day?

I told my mama, "To the side.
Let me talk to you.

Let me talk to you.
Let me talk to you."

I told my mama, "Hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey,

I thought you was coming
down here to fight."

I say, "What is in your purse?
'Cause we gon' need it.

Whatever's in your purse,
we gon' need it."

My mama, she made me fight them
boys, made me fight them boys.

I beat up two of them

and lost the third fight
out of pure exhaustion.

Don't nobody have no goddamn
five fights in one day.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

My name is Earlene Williams,
and I'm a building sergeant.

Have you housed the same
person multiple times?

-Yes.
-How many days,

the shortest
to the longest?

Mm, one day, one day.

You always get PIs.
Got out --

Public intoxication,
okay.

Went down the street,
opened a can of beer,

drunk it, and then called
the cops on him, came back.

-Okay.
-'Cause he went in the store.

He didn't purchase it, so he
went in, just opened the can.

-Oh, so he stole it?
-Yeah, stole it and drank it,

and he knew the cop was coming,
and he came right back.

-He didn't want to go home.
-No.

Y'all pushed him out the door.
He like, "No! No!"

And he's like,
"All right. All right.

Respect. Respect.
That's how y'all feel?"

All right.
Walk in the store.

-Pop. Yeah.
-And come right back.

-Came back, hugged you.
-I ain't hugging.

"Williams, I'm back, boo!"

[ Both laugh ]

♪♪

Do you know that you can
end up in jail

trying to get clarity
on something?

You trying to get clarity,
and you end up in jail.

Let me ask you all a question.

Say you marry a woman,
you marry a woman,

then you find out
this woman can't have kids,

find out she can't have kids.

But you love the woman so much

that she convinces you to adopt,

and y'all do. Y'all adopt.
Y'all adopt.

And then y'all get divorced.

[ Laughter ]

Do you owe child support
on that baby?

[ Laughter ]

When I asked the women,
the women was like, "Yes."

I looked at y'all,
y'all like, "No."

"That ain't your baby
like that, dawg.

That ain't your baby like that."
[ Laughs ]

But if you go to court,

the judge is going to say,
"Hey, this is your baby.

[ Laughter ]

And you are financially
responsible for this baby!"

But let me tell you
what not to yell out,

once that judge
gives you clarity.

Don't say this --

"Well, if it's my baby,
show me the blood work."

Don't say that.
Don't say that.

They going
to hold you in contempt.

They going to hold you
in contempt,

and when they
hold you in contempt,

you heard that judge say
that you was in contempt.

You heard it, and you
could've just walked

to that little contempt door
and just went on over there,

but you going to stand there

like you ain't hear that man
talking to you,

'cause you --
And you a good person.

You a good person.

You a good person.
You know what I'm saying?

You take care of your mama
when you can.

You know what I'm saying?
You go to church.

You pay your tithes.

You're educated.
You're educated,

but when that judge
holds you in contempt,

and you standing there,

a bailiff is going
to come touch you,

and you going to forget
that you a good person.

You going to forget
you a good person.

And when that bailiff touch you,

you not going to respond
like a good person.

You going to respond a little
bit something like this --

"Get your goddamn hands off me!"

And then more bailiffs
are going to come,

and then they going
to drag you out.

They going to drag you out,
and when they drag you out,

they always manage to grab
your face like that.

They always will,
always manage to do that.

So let me tell y'all
why I come in,

'cause this is
my cousin's situation.

This is not my situation.

I'm in court just being down.

When you tell somebody
that you gon' be down with them,

you gon' have to prove that.

I'm in court

being down with my cousin,
being supportive.

And then this contempt
shit starts to happen.

And now I have to reevaluate

how down I'm gon' be,
because this is the problem.

This is the problem.
They dragging him out.

When they drag him out, you try
to look at the person who said

that they down with you,
who in there for your support.

I saw him try to get
his neck around.

I saw him. He try to get
his neck around. I saw him.

I saw him,
but I'm wondering, like,

"Why the hell you looking at me?
Don't draw no attention to me."

It's just like, you ever
in the car with somebody,

and they get stopped
in a traffic violation,

and you sitting there
minding your own business,

minding your own business.
The officer doing his business,

then he come around
to your window and say,

"Um, can I have your I.D.?"

No. What the hell
you need my goddamn I.D. for?

I'm not driving. I'm sitting.

Do you --
Is it a sitting ticket?

I asked the man one time.
I said, "Hey, man.

Um, what do you need
to see my I.D. for?"

He say, "Just in case
we take him to jail."

I say, "Well, take him to jail
first, decide that first,

and then we'll cross that bridge
when we get to it on my I.D."

Every time I give them folk
to my I.D., I go to jail.

I don't know what's on my I.D.

I don't know what's on my I.D.
I don't trust my I.D.

Shit, no.

[ Laughter ]

I don't trust my I.D., man.
I'm telling you, man.

That mother going
to rat me, dawg,

ooh-whoo, 'cause I asked him.

I said, "Hey, man.
Even if you take him to jail,

what do you need
to see my I.D. for?"

He said, "We need to make sure

that you are authorized
to operate a motor vehicle."

I said, "Man, this not
my vehicle. I got it. I'll walk.

I ain't got time for this.

This is not my vehicle, man.
This is not my vehicle."

I told the boy. I say,

"Hey, when y'all done
with y'all business,

pick me up.
I'm-a be walking this way."

This not my vehicle.

Man, so, my cousin
looking at me.

The bailiff saw where
his eyes was looking,

so the bailiff gon'
come on the row that I'm on,

'cause he tracked his eyes.

He said,
"Um, is anybody with him?"

Shit, I spoke up
for the whole row.

I said, "Hell, no.

Ain't nobody with contempt, man.
Hell, no."

You know my cousin mad at me?

This what he mad at me for,
'cause he tried to look at me,

and this is what I did.
He tried to look at me.

He going to tell my mama,
going to tell my mama on me.

My mama said,
"Um, well, he is like that."

[ Laughter ]

I said, "What you mean
I'm like that?"

I know what my mama
meant, though.

I know exactly what she meant.
Let me tell you something.

Um, I got my mama arrested.

Got my mama arrested. Accident.

Accident. Don't judge.
Accident.

See, I don't like
being late for nothing.

I'm never late, so my mama
asked to use my truck

while I'm out of town.

I said, "Hey, if you want
to use my truck,

come pick me up,
take me to the airport.

I got somewhere to be,
and don't be late."

You know my mama show up late?
Now we rushing.

We rushing to the airport,
and it's an accident,

and I ain't got no time
for no accident.

So I tell my mama, "Go around.

Go around the accident.
Go around."

I didn't know that
you couldn't do that.

I didn't know that you couldn't
go around accidents.

So the cop pulled us over,
yelling at my mama, and he said,

"Ma'am, did you not see
that there was an accident?"

My mama said, "Yeah, I saw
there was an accident.

That's why I went around."

Then the man said, "You could've
ran over a body, ma'am!

You could've ran over a body!"

Now I'm hot. Now I'm hot 'cause
I'm late. I'm running late.

I ain't got time for this shit.

So I said, "Hey, but did
we run over a body, sir?

Did we run over a body?"

But the man, he didn't see me.

He thought that was
my mama talking.

So my mama going to look at me,
and I act like I was sleep.

[ Laughter ]

Officer came and
knocked on the window,

I woke up with my I.D.
in my hand.

I said, "I am authorized to
operate a motor vehicle, sir."

[ Laughter ]

What were you in for?

Theft? Bank robbery or theft?

Now let me tell you about that,
scamming from banks.

I used to be, you know,
"This is you, Mr. Martinez?"

Sí.

[ Laughter ]

So I get out, get out,
done, done with crime.

Ain't did that in a while.

You know the effects
of past crimes I did,

I'm skeptical.
I'm in the bank, years,

and then,
they done made my check

with my name on it and my I.D.

That lady said, "We got
to take this to the back."

The first thing come to my mind,

"They remember I used to write
these checks back in the day."

[ Laughter ]

They was the back with my I.D.,
I said,

"That lady got 10 Mississippis

until I'm out of here."

I'm on six Mississippis.

I'm out the door.
I go, "I can't take it."

The lady comes out
with my money.

She's like,
"Sir, here's your money."

I'm like, "Unh-unh.
Put it in my account."

Gone. I'm out the door.
[ Laughter ]

♪♪

I get speeding tickets
all the time.

You can't give me no
speeding ticket in September

and give me a court date
for December

and think I'm going
to remember the shit.

I'm going to end up
with a warrant.

You know how long my license
was suspended?

My license was suspended
for five years

before I got it corrected.

I had the money,
was being rebellious.

I get a no-insurance ticket on
the way to renew my insurance.

Crazy. So I paid the ticket.

The ticket was $362,
no-insurance ticket.

But three months later --
I paid the ticket.

They send me a goddamn
surcharge letter,

$292,

and they say I got to pay
that shit for three years.

I call office, thinking
there's a mistake.

"Hey, what's happening,

um, department of whatever
y'all doing.

Um, I got a surcharge
that I paid my insurance."

Said, "Yeah, that's new.
We doing surcharges."

I said, "No. I didn't vote
for that, if y'all put that in.

I didn't vote for that."

And then, lady said,
"Well, if you don't pay it,

we going to suspend
your license,"

and you know what I said?

"Well, suspend the mother[bleep]
then."

Hung up, hung up.

My license was no good
after that.

It was no good. I didn't know.
I'm driving.

I get stopped
by one of them state troopers.

Now I got to go
into full Oscar mode.

I was a white woman
for five years.

Five years, best white woman you
ever will see, get pulled over.

"Dude, can I see your I.D.?"
"Oh, no problem. Here you go.

Take that." Boom.
Went to the back,

I already know what's going to
happen. That man come up, boom.

"Sir, do you know that
your license is suspended?"

Oh, no problem for me.
I'm finna go into white woman.

Here I go.

[ Gasps ]
"Are you serious?

[ Laughter ]

Why would my license
be suspended?"

Gave me the whole shebang,
the surcharge,

gave me the whole speech,
and I'm acting so interested.

"There's a surcharge?

Oh, my God.
When did this come about?"

Boom. Let me go on a warning.

Let me go on a warning.
Yeah, let me go on a warning.

For five years,
I been turning with this,

[ Gasps ]

"Are you serious?"

Five years.

Speeding again,
get stopped by a trooper.

I don't give two shits
'cause I'm ready,

got my Oscar Award-winning
white woman performance down,

and I'm good at it.
I'm a veteran with it.

Boom. The man stop me.

"Can I see your license?"
I'm so good.

I'm so confident,
I had my license like this.

"Take it."

Man come back, I'm sitting
there, and I'm waiting.

He come back. Oh, here I go.

Let me get it ready.

"Sir, do you know that
your license is suspended?"

and here I go.

[ Gasps ]
"Are you serious?"

Same trooper who pulled me
over the first time said...

[ Men groaning ]

"Not this time, Ali.
Get your ass out the car."

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

♪♪

You said you was on
the run when they --

Well, said I got
a parole violation,

but they charged me
with possession

-with the intent to deliver.
-I had that.

That's what I went,
for that delivery.

I tried to get a possession.
I told my attorney,

"Hey, go in there and tell them
I'm a user."

He said, "Man, 5 kilos?"

I'm like, "Hey, man.
I got to have it."

I said, "Do it."

That man was like, "Man,
you going to get some more time

going in there
with that bull crap."

These lawyers and these judges,
and they just all in cahoots.

That was the thing
I heard a lot of.

"Man, judge, lawyer,
everybody against me."

They go to the
country club together.

-They all work together.
-You know what I'm saying?

Golfing and smoking together.
Smoking a cigarette.

"Man, how is your son doing
on the football team?"

"Oh, he doing great.
You know what I heard?"

But it's, like,
a bogus case, though,

because I'm really here for
the, you know, the violation.

You know every case bogus.

Every case that come
through is bogus.

I've never heard
anybody say, "Hey, man.

They caught me dead to the
right, you know what I'm saying?

I had that thing."

What happened, AJM?

Man, they caught me
dead to the right.

[ Laughter ]
Had that thing.

-I had that thing.
-Yes.

♪♪

How you doing, sir?
Good to see you, man.

I'm talking to the top man
around this piece, El Capitan.

This is
the number-one thing

that you will hear back there,
that everybody is in cahoots.

Most inmates tell me, "Why don't
you send me to court?"

I don't have anything to do
with the court docket.

-You know the judge.
-I have nothing

[ Both laugh ]
I have nothing to do with that.

You called the prosecution.
That's your boy, ain't he?

Yeah, put in a word for me.

Yeah.
That's not our role.

Our role is to take care of you
while you're here

and keep you locked up

until we get the proper
paperwork to say you can go.

♪♪

Hey, man. Y'all got to be free,
man, in your mind,

'cause I done got
free like that now.

I don't restrict myself
in no form or fashion.

I wear white after Labor Day.

I wear suede in
the [bleep] summer.

I don't give a shit about none
of they rules and regulations

or that mental prison shit.

I don't give a shit about that,
you know what I'm saying?

Let me tell you something.

I dress like I want to dress.

I wear whatever I want to wear.

I wear a tuxedo on Tuesday.
I don't give a shit.

On Tuesday, I'll walk out
in a tuxedo and go to the gym.

If you see me in the gym
with a tuxedo on,

you supposed to think
I own the [bleep]

You ain't supposed to be like,
"Why you got a tuxedo on?"

I own this. This is my gym.
Shit, I do what I want to.

You know why?
'Cause the little white kids.

You ever seen little white kids
in the grocery store?

They wear all they
favorite shit at one time.

They don't give
a shit about you.

Spiderman pajamas,
a Superman cape,

some cowboy boots, a fireman
helmet, and a backpack,

and they'll tell you, too.

"Hey, sir. I'm having
the time of my life."

I'm telling you.

You'll see little Travis walking
through the grocery store.

He'll say, "Hey, sir.
[ Clicks tongue ] Hey."

You be sitting there, "Look at
little cool-ass Travis."

I'm telling you, man.
You got to be free, man.

I know my friends ain't free.
I know they ain't free

'cause they got label
restrictions in they mind.

I tested my boy.
We going to the gym.

I got on everything.

I got some Nikes on,
some Puma socks,

some Adidas shorts,
a New Balance shirt,

and a goddamn
Under Armour headband.

I come out.
It's all black, though.

Everything all black,
come out, my homeboy like,

"Man, what you got on, man?
You got on everything, man.

How you going to have
on Pumas and this, damn."

And they can't even
workout good

'cause they still looking at me.
I'm working out.

He's, like, walking up to me.
I'm under the business.

"Boy, you got on everything."

It's white dude freedom.
He on the side.

He got on boat shoes,
dock shoes,

shit you supposed
to be on a yacht with,

and some Dockers
and a wife beater on.

He running on the treadmill.
"Huh, I like his outfit."

[ Laughter ]

Man, you got to have freedom,
got to have freedom,

and a lot of people
don't have it.

A lot of people don't have it,

'cause it ain't about
the physical prison.

It's about the mental prison.

Let me tell you something.

Anybody can be
in a mental prison.

Man, I met this
22-year-old white girl,

been arrested seven
times for burglary.

She told me she don't want
to come to jail

for burglary no more.

I said, "Well, um,
why you stealing?

You got to take care
of yourself or something?"

She said, "No, Xanax.
Xanax make me steal."

I say, "Xanax make you steal?"

I say, "Who the hell
prescribes you

something that's going
to make you steal?"

Say, "Oh, no. I ain't got
no prescription for it."

I said, "Well, if you want
to stay out of jail,

shit, it's pretty simple to me.

I ain't even known
you that long.

I can figure this out.

Why don't you just
stop taking Xanax?"

Said, "Why?" I said,
"So you'll stop stealing,

and then you won't come here."

She's like, "Oh."

[ Laughter ]

She said she had never
thought of it like that.

I said, "Shit, I don't think
you ever thought of this shit,

period."

-You get out tomorrow?
-Yes.

So what you doing
when you get out?

Shoot, going back to my family
and go back to rodeoing.

I rodeo.
I ride bulls for a living.

That's an honorable --

I'm actually a world champion
bull rider.

I just got caught up in the
middle of drugs and fighting,

and bounced up in here
for a little while.

-Drugs and fighting.
-Yes, sir.

A lady explained to me
that I was a bigger drug addict

than she was.

And I said, "How so?"

She said,
"The difference is this --

You use drugs for recreation.

You can stop recreating
whenever you want to.

I was using drugs
for my livelihood.

-How you stop that?"
-Mm.

Now, I'm addicted to that bread.

-Lifestyle.
-I'm addicted to that lifestyle.

I'm addicted to being
able to go out

and buy all my friends dinner,

and saying, "Man, y'all order
what y'all want to order.

Hey, man. You need something?"

I'm addicted to that.

-Is the addiction gone?
-Nope.

No. It's making the decision to
say, "Man, you know something?

I can take that risk
and end up back in jail,

or I can put that same energy
into doing something different."

Yes, sir.

♪♪

You know, the longer
you stay in this place,

you going to always
have one of them days

that you just not going
to be feeling it.

You going to be wanting
to get out of here.

You don't come in my cell!
Don't wreck my cell!

You understand what I'm saying?
Mine came at the five-year mark.

Man, I woke up one day.
I was tired of that shit.

I woke up, and I'm like, "No. I
ain't feeling this shit today."

[ Laughter ]

Them people popped my door, man,
so I got up,

closed the door,
and I pushed this button.

I said, "Hey...
Don't pop my door, man.

Not today," slammed it.
Popped the door again.

"I just told you,
'Don't pop my door,' man."

Boom, slammed my door.

[ Imitates buzzer ]
Boom, popped the door again.

I said, "All right.
I got something for y'all then."

I, boom, kicked the door open

and knocked them off the rails.

Now it's jammed.

So they send a negotiator.

I said, "What's up?"
"If you don't come out the cell,

you know we going to
have to extract you."

I said, "Well, get your goddamn
extraction on then, homeboy."

The man said, "Williams,
are you okay?"

See, I didn't tell y'all
that my celly, Williams,

was still in the cell.
[ Laughter ]

And Williams just woke up.
Williams was an old man.

He woke up, "Man, what the hell
is wrong with this boy?"

And William said,
"Man, I'm good." I said --

"Shut up, William! Shut up!

I'm holding him hostage,"
and Williams was like,

"I ain't no damn hostage."
And this when you know

that it's serious. This is
when you know they're serious,

when they say, "Raid up!"

You like, "Ooh, they
racking people up. Shit.

They racking them up.
That mean they coming in here.

They coming in here. Shit."
And you want to give up.

You want to give up 'cause you
know they about to get ready,

but then the inmates, other
convicts, they start hyping you.

"Give him hell, boy!
Give them hell!"

"You already know!
You already know!"

And then you see them
guards getting ready.

Hup! Two! Shield! Hup!

They -- I'm talking -- Whoo!

And you see them out there, too.

Like, "Ooh,
them boys getting ready!

They getting ready."

Now I got to get
myself hyped up.

Now I done stuffed
all my clothes in the toilet.

All my clothes going
in the toilet. I'm flooding.

Yeah, I'm going to put this
water on their ass first,

like they boots
can't go through the water.

Put the water on their ass,
then I put all this baby oil.

I'm naked with baby oil on.
Yeah. Yeah.

When they come in
this bitch, yeah.

Wait until they come in this
bitch, this finna be ready.

I'm going to put a little shit
on their ass, too.

[ Grunts ]
Yeah, I got everything.

You got one throw
with that shit.

You got one throw with
that shit.

They just walking, "Hup!
Doo, doo, doo."

You in there. Huh!
You throw that shit, huh!

They block it with --
Ah, nope. Nothing.

Then you like,
"Oh, y'all coming through."

You trying to splash water,
and they still coming.

You trying to fight.
All they trying to do

is back your ass down
up against that wall,

and you don't realize the shield
got electricity in jail.

The shield's electric.
Shield's electric.

So they hit you like [Grunts]
You on the shield.

[ Laughter ]

You slid down the whole shield.

Your ass done got boiled
and fried at the same time,

'cause you're standing
in the water, and you greasy,

and them people
packaged your ass up

in a nice, little package,
and you coming out,

and they coming out
in formation with your ass.

"Hup! Two, hup. Hup!
Two, hup, two, two, right!

Hup! Two, hup, two."

You coming down those stairs,
and your boy is talking,

"Yeah, boy," and you hollering,

"Yeah, I did what I had to do,"

and the people like,
"You ain't did shit.

Hup! Two, three."

[ Laughter ]

So you got to be free.

That's the freedom
that you wanted.

I don't give a shit how
I grew up, 'cause I'm grown now.

I can change.

I can change.
That's what we forget.

We always talking about
how we grew up.

Do you run your house
like your mama ran her house?

Nope.
No, you leave all
your goddamn lights on.

When your mama told you
not to leave the lights on,

now this your house.
You leave them lights on

'cause you want to.
You don't make up the bed.

You eat what you want to eat.
Now, you have to take

that same mentality
when you get to the world.

Hey, let them say
what you can't do.

You prove them wrong.
You prove them wrong.

You do what you supposed to do.

You got to get out
of them mental jails,

and it's a responsibility
for each and every one of us.

Man, thank you for having me.

-Thank you!
-This is huge for me, man.

Y'all don't really realize,
20 years,

20 [bleep] years of grinding.

-God bless you.
-Grinding,

and wanting to come back
and do it in the same place

where I started
doing stand-up at.

I was locked up
when I started doing stand-up

on closed custody,
and I'm back to do it for y'all

and do it for the world,
and I thank y'all, man.
I thank y'all.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

What you here for?
Burglary habitation.

Burglary of habitation?

Okay. Just wanted to make sure
'cause some people come in here

don't know
what they charged with.

"Man, they got me down here
for burglary of habitation.

I ain't been
in nobody's habitat."

[ Laughter ]