Alex Fernández: The Best Comedian in the World (2020) - full transcript
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
ALEX FERNÁNDEZ
THE BEST COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD
Let's begin with the jokes, okay?
I'm Alex Fernández,
and I'm the best comedian in the world.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
What's so funny, man?
It's okay.
When I said that,
I know some of you thought,
"Wait till I open Twitter.
The minute I step out of here,
he'll hear me out."
Fine, I know you don't believe me.
It's hard to make you believe
I'm the best comedian in the world,
but it's my job...
Convincing you is my job.
This wasn't easy.
It started when I quit my job
after seven years working in an office.
Seven years.
Seven years.
It's a hell of a lot. Seven years!
It's a lot.
Have you done something for seven years
other than existing? It's a lot.
That's why elementary school is six years.
It's more than enough.
One day, I couldn't take it anymore
and told my boss,
"Boss, we need to talk.
Let's go to a conference room."
We went to a conference room
and I told her straight out,
"Boss, I'm here to..."
No, I didn't punch her.
No, it's communication. Someone
from Sonora might say, "Punch her!"
No, wait...
It's communication. I told her, "Boss,
I'm quitting. I'm going to be a comedian."
And my boss said two words
I never forget when I'm on stage,
which I carry with me tonight
just as all other nights...
She said, "Fuck, man!"
The woman said, "Fuck, man!"
'Cause she didn't believe me.
And why didn't she?
I didn't know, but two weeks earlier,
someone else had quit
saying he wanted to be a wrestler.
Just like that.
My former boss
was the well of broken dreams.
Everyone threw coins at her.
"I don't want to be an accountant anymore,
I want to be an astronaut."
I found it poetic.
I was a wrestling fan when I was little.
Mexican wrestling, such showmanship!
I will never forget,
for example, when my brother took me
to the Arena México for the first time.
It's a wonderful place.
If you're not from Mexico City,
when you come here,
keep an eye on your belongings, but...
go to the Arena México,
it's a wonderful place.
So, I remember when I went there,
I couldn't believe it. It was like...
"Hey, brother!
This is where they live!"
I was so naive, so innocent.
I had the action figures and the ring.
When I finished playing,
I'd keep them underneath.
To me, that's where they all lived.
Under the ring.
Perro Aguayo, his wife,
all of them lying there.
I can't believe the spectacle I'm seeing.
And there, in a corner of the ring,
is Místico, glowing.
Místico, glowing like this.
Picture his ass. There he was, like this.
There was Místico.
Because Místico shines, right?
His mask, his pants, his chest.
No one knows why...
but his chest shines,
the motherfucker sweats glitter.
His son must be really happy.
"Dad, I finished my school project."
"Let me decorate it, Son. There.
An 'M' is still missing. There you go."
No.
And my brother tells me, "That's not all.
You can interact with the wrestlers."
I didn't know that.
It was my first time there.
And it may be very chilango,
it's a Mexico City thing.
If you're not from there,
you won't get it.
Did anyone come from far away?
From northern Mexico?
Where are you from?
-From McAllen, Texas.
-McAllen, Texas.
Oh, from Monterrey, right?
From...
Okay, from McAllen, Texas, great.
Where else do you come from? You?
One said Nuevo León,
the other said Monterrey.
There's a problem there.
One of you is denying your origin.
"I'm from the entire state of Nuevo León,
saves you the trouble."
Okay, fine. Look, this is so chilango.
You won't get it, but...
this guy steps up there.
Místico is in the ring,
and he starts yelling at him,
greeting him halfway through the match.
"Místico!
Místico!
Místico!"
But Místico wouldn't turn his way.
There he was, ignoring him...
showing everyone his ass.
A checkmark on each buttock.
There he was.
"Místico!
Místico!
Místico!"
And Místico wouldn't turn around.
That's what makes him mystical, I guess.
"Místico!
Místico!
Místico!"
So Místico turns around.
And the guy tells him,
"Fuck you, Místico!"
What a moment!
My Mexico.
I know it's a very chilango thing.
Here, in Mexico City,
we yell at each other all the time.
I know you didn't get the joke.
Don't worry, I have the exact same joke
Monterrey version, just for you.
Tonight, same joke...
Monterrey version,
just for the two of you.
An insult for the rest of you here,
but a prize for you. Tonight...
same joke,
Monterrey version.
Same joke...
but Monterrey version. Exactly.
"Místico!
Místico!
Místico!"
And Místico wouldn't turn around.
There he was, showing his ass,
ignoring him.
A checkmark on each buttock.
"Místico!
Místico!
Místico!"
And Místico wouldn't turn around.
That's what makes him mystical, I guess.
"Místico!
Místico!"
Místico turns around...
and the guy says, "Fuck you, you pussy!"
There you go.
What a moment!
I'm growing up. I'm...
As the best comedian in the world,
I'm growing up.
I've discovered what being grown-up is.
I know what it is.
It's realizing you did stupid things
when you were little. That's growing up.
If you think you didn't do stupid things
when you were little,
it's because you're still immature.
We're so stupid.
We are born stupid.
That's why kids go to school,
to shed their stupidity.
Nature is wise.
It knows...
we're stupid.
That's why it shelters us, it protects us.
Raise your hand, don't be shy...
if you are or know a kid
that fell off a first floor
and came out unharmed.
Where are my boys?
Okay, we have a few.
My pal with the glasses here.
Hi, what's your name?
Emanuel.
Did you fall or was it some other kid?
It was you, wasn't it? Of course!
Make it a point, "I'm the one who fell."
Okay. How did you fall, Emanuel?
You fell...
down the stairs.
Oh, there were no stairs.
Just like a puppy... I didn't get it.
You were on a first floor?
It was a ladder and they took it away.
Where did you live?
In a Lego house or something?
And your memory didn't register...
So he said, "The ladder is still there."
And down you go.
How old were you...
when this happened? Six? Okay.
Your parents were such morons, right?
They just thought,
"Take the ladder away, what could happen?
The kid knows. The kid can see.
He'll be all right."
But nothing happened to you,
right, Emanuel? Luckily, you're here.
I'm so glad. And look...
I'm not saying a kid falling is funny.
On the contrary, it's very funny.
It's true when they say,
"They're made of rubber."
A kid falls, and he bounces.
And...
"Let's get
some Delaware Punch or something."
They just ignore it.
But the mom is hysterical, "He fell!
My little Emanuel fell!
From the first floor, the ladder
was gone. I don't know, he fell.
We took it away to clean it.
I don't know what happened!
I'm shocked.
Shocked. Look, feel me.
Yes, he was in his uniform.
He's such a moron, he'll get it dirty!
Tomorrow is everyday uniform!"
That can happen to a kid.
And the odds nothing will happen are high.
On the other hand,
an elderly can't fall like that.
Yes. It's not that old people are wise,
they're just careful not to fall.
There comes an age when falling
and Ebola are not that different.
At the same level. I'm not saying
it's funny when an old man falls.
It's very funny because...
it's slow.
Introduction, conflict, conclusions.
Questions, answers,
everything happens there.
So he's... "Well, here we are.
Another day, another dollar. Bring it on!
It'll take me all day to get to the store.
Let's do it!
Damn it!
Damn!
What's this mysterious stone pavement?
What's going on?
I miscalculated. No, what the...?
Yes, it's started.
The fall has started.
Day one.
It's like leaning down, but faster.
Here we go.
Can anyone please help me?
Help! I'm in uniform too!
But my supermarket stacker uniform!
Please help!"
My point here is it's good to share
our stupidity
because we grow up.
Emanuel, today you've become...
a grown-up. Congratulations.
So, I'll share one of my favorite
stupid moments with you,
my first drunken binge.
It happened when I was 16.
If you're under age, don't drink.
Stay away from drugs.
Don't do anything. Don't exist.
It's a horrible age, 16.
A story with three main characters:
Alex Fernández and two of his friends.
One is Miguel.
The other guy's name isn't this one,
but after that, that's how we called him,
Vomitrón.
Alex Fernández, Miguel and Vomitrón.
The three of us, hanging out.
We're ready for adventure.
We have movie tickets.
And, all of a sudden,
Miguel had this spark of stupidity.
You know that spark?
It comes from here, this brain lobe.
This is where all stupidity comes from.
Right? The side of the brain
that makes you say things like,
"What if we drive down the footpath?"
What did Miguel's master plan consist of?
It was very simple.
They'd drop us at the movie theater,
we'd pretend we go in,
but would go to a store,
buy alcohol, then grab a cab,
go to Gordo's party,
ingest all the alcohol
we could drink in 45 minutes...
and go back to the movie theater.
Nothing could go wrong.
Not even the PRI knew this con.
Bulletproof. I mean it.
So, they dropped us at the movies,
we pretend we go in.
Smaller, kind of...
We took a cab and went to an Oxxo,
bought really cheap alcohol,
this vodka...
It was a while ago,
there was no Four Loko.
The young ones laugh.
The older audience goes, "Four Loko?
You're loco, I don't get it."
Don't worry.
I'll explain.
Four Loko is a horrible beverage
you can either drink
or mop the floor with.
We bought this cheap vodka,
this cheap vodka which, at a distance,
seemed to have
some Russian guy on the label...
dressed in fur, killing a moose.
Vodkinski, here!
But you look closer and,
"Oh, no, it's a Monterrey dude."
In a fur coat. "Boy, it's freezing!"
Monterrinski.
Some grape juice,
which wasn't even grape juice,
it was this disgusting purple thing.
Some nibbles,
and off we go to Gordo's party,
which was for teenagers.
Are there any teenagers here tonight?
I hate you.
The worst time of my life. It's horrible.
You're horny all day.
You have no money, no self-esteem.
You have nothing, it's horrible.
So we get to Gordo's party.
At that age, we all want to be grown-ups.
It's horrible.
So the girls there are going...
"Like, I hate it.
I hate biology.
It's so hard and useless.
I hate it. Oh, it's upside down...
Like, I'm so stupid."
Everyone's there, dancing,
but weird, kind of in a circle,
as if it were a ritual.
Two dance at the center,
humiliate themselves, go back.
That's right.
And there you are, all stupid...
You know what's worse?
There was always this jokester
who'd do his jokes on the dance floor,
and everyone loved him.
"Is Carlitos coming? I hope he is."
"Carlitos is the best."
"There he is."
"I hope he does the taco seller dance."
"With pineapple, Carlitos."
"Carlitos is the best."
"Too bad he's adopted."
Kids are so cruel.
A big hand to all adopted kids!
Wherever you are.
Adopt, don't buy. So...
Here we are, at Gordo's drunken binge.
We drank all the alcohol we could.
One liter between the three of us.
Checked!
That's when I felt it kicked.
For the first time in my life,
I felt this beast coming out of my belly.
It kind of...
surges out from here.
And takes control of your life for good.
"Here I am, Alejandro, I'm alcohol."
"What are you doing?"
"I'll be here until you get a divorce."
"Everything is spinning, I'm not.
What's going on? Help!"
But I swear it was going fine.
They drop us at the movies.
Everything's just as planned.
We're at the movies, hammered.
"What, lady?
What are you staring at? What? Get a life!
I love life! Gimme a kiss."
But we forgot one tiny detail,
Vomitrón's mom was picking us up.
So she pulls over.
I don't know what we were thinking,
that a carriage would pick us up?
So Vomitrón's mom pulls over.
The three of us were hammered.
And that's when the problem began.
That's when the stupidity started.
"We're hammered, man! Why did we do this?"
"What now?"
"Put coins in your mouth, it'll go away."
We're there, like piggy banks.
Thank God for our savings!
Until Miguel rises from the ashes,
like the Phoenix.
"Relax...
I have a plan.
We can outwit this 47-year-old woman.
No fucking sweat.
Vomitrón, I'll outwit your mom.
I have a plan.
Let's just hold our breath."
"See?" "All right."
"Perfect."
"How was the movie?"
"Oh, sorry, we're hammered!"
Our plan lasted ten seconds.
Vomitrón's mom got mad.
She asked the obvious question,
"You drank?" We said no.
For that's when negotiation
with the grown-up starts.
Yes, first you go, "No, we didn't drink."
And as the grown-up gets angrier...
you fuel up the negotiation.
This is how great empires were founded.
The fucking Mayan Empire,
that's how it started.
"Did you drink?" "No, stupid woman!"
"You didn't? The motherfucker
is shirtless!" "Okay...
touché!
We may...
We just may have...
had a drink.
A little tiny one, with three straws.
Not regular straws,
the thin ones for coffee, ma'am."
Turtles didn't go ballistic back then,
come on!
"We only had one."
"One? You reek!"
"Okay, a medium-sized drink. Satisfied?"
So there we were, negotiating,
and I make a pause
to read the situation.
We were in a horrible Cutlass,
an ugly old Cutlass.
Being a Cutlass,
it already smelled like booze...
out of the dealer's.
"Look, it smells like brandy, see?"
We were in the Cutlass, it starts raining.
Vomitrón's mom won't stop screaming.
And Vomitrón is sitting there,
receiving the information.
"Yes, Mom."
Miguel is falling asleep...
"She's not my mom!
No sweat, I couldn't care less."
"La Calle de las Sirenas" is on the radio.
Just imagine.
You're 16, drunk for the first time
and "La Calle de las Sirenas"?
It plays tricks on your mind. I'm there...
being scolded,
"I can't believe it! How could you?"
And I'm there...
Mermaids
In the moon
"Yes, ma'am."
Soaking
Stars
With paint
A thousand princesses dance by
With dresses...
It was hard, so hard to be there.
Then, I see Vomitrón
is having a hard time.
He's really stiff, so strange.
Weird, kind of like jelly,
his head wouldn't move but his body would.
It was his gravity center.
There he was, focusing.
For when she turned the wheel,
it would be...
Speed bump.
Nothing, focused.
All of a sudden, his head starts moving.
There, like a pressure cooker regulator.
The beans are ready!
And he wants to open the window.
But it was a really old Cutlass, remember?
The thing wouldn't come down.
Eight turns per centimeter.
And then, it would go up... so weird.
And halfway open,
in comes one of the most impressive barfs
I've seen in my entire drunkard career.
This thing that only sounded...
and that's it.
That's it.
Like when you drop a one-gallon soda.
There was no...
No.
There was no...
No.
There was no "Grab my hair, man," nothing.
I swear, I hear that sound and...
"Did we hit a dove? What the hell?
Don't kill the wildlife, damn it!
Mankind is so selfish!"
So I turn around
and the whole windshield...
smeared with it.
On the inside.
And the outside.
A scientific marvel!
The vomit hit the windshield...
went out...
and outside it said, "This is cool,"
and came back in.
All purple there.
With white chunks.
Yes, you know, Vomitrón wanted Pingüinos.
There's your Picasso, sir.
Which his mother didn't take well,
obviously.
"This is..."
"Come on, Mom, chill..."
So she has to pull over.
And that's when extreme stupidity started.
We went crazy. I tried to convince her,
"No, Mrs. Vomitrón, the thing is...
We got to Gordo's party,
and you know Gordo...
I mean, it was lame, so we got there,
and it was so boring, we yawned.
And when we yawned, they stuffed
our mouths with alcohol. That's right."
The woman goes ballistic.
She won't stop screaming.
And that's when Vomitrón...
in an act of faith...
in an act of love...
straight from the heart,
wanting to reattach his umbilical cord...
which by then
was fractured by the situation...
takes off his T-shirt...
and starts cleaning the windshield.
Yes, yes.
The inside.
And a little outside, not much.
There he was.
With his fake Aéropostale T-shirt...
which made his mom even angrier.
For who washed Vomitrón's T-shirts?
The woman can't take it anymore.
She steps out of the car.
She's yelling, with hurtful words now.
"You know? That's why I divorced your dad!
This is what he'd do!
You're just like him!
I'm divorcing you! I hate you!"
She's trying to find someone to vent
her rage on, turns around, and her son...
She sees Miguel, fast asleep,
and then she sees me.
So she grabs me by the shirt...
and tells me, "Alejandro!
What are you thinking?
What the fuck are you thinking?"
And I'm, "Ma'am, what am I thinking?
I'm 16, I don't think.
But if you want an answer,
do you know what I'm thinking?
In this ugly Cutlass,
with your son puking, you yelling at me,
this fucker asleep,
do you know what I'm thinking?
A thousand princesses dance by
With dresses that fly by"
Are there any gamers with us tonight?
I love video games.
Where are you?
That's where the virgins are.
All of you think...
"Don't call us virgins, it's not right.
That's not true.
We're not virgins.
We just don't fuck much. Stop it!"
Besides, video games
aren't just for virgins anymore.
People who play them are very violent.
We're crazy.
Have you ever seen two friends play FIFA?
It's madness.
FIFA, the soccer video game.
Two friends,
they lose control just like that.
"Hey, pal.
Want to hang out in your bedroom...
and play some FIFA? Do you?"
What's his reply?
"I'll screw you, let's do it!
I'll fuck you up good.
What I want is to penetrate..." Wait...
"Aren't you buying me dinner first?"
"I'll shove my dick...!"
It's terrible.
Besides, the game is violent.
The game causes more violence.
When someone scores,
they play it back.
And only the one who scored
can make it stop playing back.
It's a Hitler thing. It's crazy.
It's very humiliating
when the other guy scores.
"Goal!"
If only you had the chance to say,
"I'll stop it, fuck!
I know how to make it stop playing back."
"Goal!"
"Stop it, moron!"
"Goal!"
Your friend won't let it go,
it's a moment of glory.
He'll make fun of you.
You're sitting there and he's enjoying it.
"Goal!
Goal!
Who's the man?
Goal!
I brought you a present.
Your birth certificate.
I'm your daddy! Goal!"
Horrible, just horrible.
"I'll screw you." What is that?
I know what it means, but what is that?
We don't listen to the words we say.
Imagine it was true...
That your FIFA match
ended that way, cool.
Right?
Oh, right.
Right? "Okay, cool, just relax.
It's just a game.
Don't overreact. Hi, ma'am.
No, we're playing FIFA.
Yes, just chilling.
Bread and cheese would be great, yes.
No sauce for him...
Yes, ma'am."
"Come on, man, stop crying.
Besides, it's your fault.
It's your fault, man.
You have no coordination
since you fell from the first floor
because they took the ladder away."
We live in a world of opinions.
Everyone has an opinion now.
When I said I was the best comedian
in the world, I know what you thought.
Right? We have an opinion.
It's fine, we all have an opinion.
I think it's too much.
Maybe you don't know, but porn sites
have a comments section now.
There...
on the porn site,
there's a comments section.
And people leave comments.
Should I respect the opinion of someone
with his jeans down to his ankles?
It's kind of weird, "No, I don't agree."
What's wrong with us?
People comment now.
You have your porn
and it has its comments section.
"The lady lacked passion."
Excuse me, Guillermo del Toro...
if you didn't like this masterpiece.
"I didn't like the end."
"I didn't like the end."
I read it, right there.
Besides, we all know
all porn movies end the same way.
They all end the same.
They all end in your tears of sadness.
They all end there...
with you crying.
"I didn't like the end."
It got me thinking.
For, yes, it would be great
if the porn movie
had a more artistic ending.
It would be lovely if you did your thing,
watching the end of your movie,
with the last scene
with a big screen ending.
It would be lovely if you were there,
watching porn, the guy's there...
There he is, right?
The girl there...
"I see dead people."
It would be so great.
It's one way of seeing it.
But when I say everyone has an opinion
and I couldn't care less,
it has a lot to do
with the way I was raised.
I guess I'm bulletproof
against all opinions
because I was born
in a fucking huge family.
I'm the sixth out of six siblings.
Out of six, the last one! The youngest!
Everyone always tried to educate me.
I was raised with everyone's opinion.
When I was little, I once said,
"Dad!
I want to be an actor."
And my dad, straight from the heart,
empathically said, motivating his son,
he told me what a loving father would say,
"Oh, okay, you're going to be gay, then!
Why can't you be an engineer
like your brother,
or an engineer like your brother,
or an engineer like your brother?"
"I'm a psychologist."
"Shut up, we're covering engineers now!"
Parenthesis, we're six.
That means my parents had sex six times.
Yuck!
At least six times.
At least six times my dad told my mom,
"Come, baby." Six times!
I grew up with all these opinions,
but let me tell you...
If you ever have a dream
or want to do something with your life,
want to change something you're doing,
always have someone to support you,
no matter what.
Luckily, among my siblings,
I always had one who gave me his support.
It's rare, you don't just find someone
to support you unconditionally in life.
I think it has something to do...
And it sounds strange, don't frown,
but it may be
because he was born with a disability.
Some laugh back there, fucking great.
"He said 'disabled,' let's laugh.
That's a funny word."
It may sound strange, but my brother Pedro
was born with a disability.
He has cerebral palsy.
So he is disabled,
both mentally and physically.
Let's say he always had
the intelligence of a 12-year-old.
If you think about it, when he was seven,
he was a genius.
But that's not the point.
Let's not digress.
The point is the fucker
always had everyone's love.
He was always cheered on. "You want
to be an actor? Of course you do."
Nothing but love, always.
Just listen to this...
We went to the movies.
I took him to watch Suicide Squad,
and he liked it. That's how much...
unconditional love we're talking about.
He's someone who always supported me.
You should have someone like that.
I've always said comedy
is like a gigantic staircase
with a lot of steps.
You have to climb them little by little,
and you need a support system.
A very important step
is your first special.
I don't know if you've watched it,
but I had a special a few years ago,
on Netflix.
It was there, maybe you watched it.
Yes, some of you did. Great.
Yes, I don't blame you, it wasn't much.
We're getting better. So...
I remember the day
the special was released so well.
It was a truly special day.
I was in Hermosillo
finishing a tour.
I did a tour no one went to.
A tour...
no one went to.
Thirty-five people, I think.
I mean, in total,
if you add up all the cities.
Thirty-five people.
The Hermosillo show ends,
it was great, so I go to the hotel,
for there's not much to do
in Hermosillo and...
That night, I got a call
that changed my life forever.
My sister called
and told me, "Hey, I know...
that your special is coming out today,
and that it's very important,
but I have some news for you.
Pedro, our brother,
was just told he has esophageal cancer."
And...
I know what you're thinking now.
You're thinking,
"Oh, now he's going to get dramatic."
Yes, it is going to get dramatic.
Welcome, you paid your ticket for cancer.
We're here, there you go.
Welcome to Cancerland. Let's talk...
It's weird, because they tell me this news
and the first thing you think about
with cancer is why.
"Why?" is the first question you ask.
"Why my brother,
who didn't lie, didn't do drugs,
didn't drink, who always gave love?
Why him and not Donald Trump?"
Just a thought here, I don't know.
And there's no answer to that, guys.
And it's strange I'm here
talking about cancer,
but I think we have to talk about cancer,
it's a very common disease.
But for some reason,
no one speaks about cancer.
It's a whispered sickness.
Let's see. Obesity,
hypertension, diabetes,
top cause of death in the nation.
And I've never seen diabetes
being taboo, "Hey...
my dear Luis, what can I say?
Well...
If you ever need anything...
except for food, whatever you want,
we're here for you."
It just doesn't happen.
It doesn't happen with Luis.
I'm not saying it isn't
a horrible disease, it is.
But we've learned to live with it,
and we never speak about cancer.
Raise your hand here,
don't be shy, if you're...
a cancer patient
or know anyone who has had cancer.
Raise your hand
and keep it raised to see...
Leave it up there, don't put it down.
The rest of you who didn't raise
your hand, look around you
and take a look at the sheer numbers.
Cancer exists.
Thanks. But we don't talk about it.
It's a really ugly process
where I realized that your family
either comes together or it splits up.
Fortunately, mine came together.
And really together. I think it did...
Yes, it really bonded.
Four WhatsApp groups.
The same family, four WhatsApp groups.
See your horrible family group,
the hell you live on your cell phone?
Multiply it by four, that was me.
So tight. There was a group
with everyone in it.
The siblings, our parents,
uncles, dogs...
everyone.
Such a motivational group.
"Yes, of course, we'll fight it,
it'll be all right.
'Cancer' with 'C' for 'courage,'
bring it on!"
There they were.
Then, there was a group with less people
who'd say,
"Hey, we're not doing that great.
Don't tell the dogs. We're hanging
in there, just don't tell the dogs."
Then there was the small group,
where you had to pay.
People kept dropping out.
"So or so has left the group."
And in the end, one where I'd send memes
to myself and stuff like that,
just for motivation. There I was.
Dealing with such a tight family is weird.
Ironically, it was
in such an adverse situation
when my family was the tightest.
It's strange, really weird.
Blood donations were needed
for my brother's operation.
I don't know if you know
about esophageal cancer surgery. It's...
so extreme.
They take the esophagus
together with the tumor.
Then they make a new esophagus
with your stomach.
It's now possible.
You can tell the doctor,
"I want a hand here, please.
Just look at me fucking using it!"
And for this operation,
blood donations were needed.
So one of my brothers posts on the group,
"I'm not donating, I have blue blood."
I mean... sorry.
But I read that
as the family comedian...
and it sounds like an insult.
"Fuck, you're an engineer!
Stick to engineering, don't fuck with me!"
I was so mad I thought,
"No, I must have the last word.
The punch line is mine."
So I write,
"I'm not donating
because I have syphilis."
I didn't give a damn.
I didn't realize I'd sent it to the group
with kids in it.
They asked,
"What's syphilis, uncle?"
"Don't worry, cousin, I'm investigating.
Here's some images."
And we got them.
Donating blood is so hard. It really is.
It's easier to get your visa.
At least there's hope you'll get one.
They give you a questionnaire
with a bunch of questions.
It starts really friendly.
The blood questionnaire is like,
"Yes, bring it on.
Yes, all blood types are welcome. Do it!"
And little by little, it starts meddling.
First question, "Are you all right today?"
"Well, yes." Right?
"Yes, there's this cancer thing, but...
With a 'C' for 'courage'. Yes, yes."
Next question,
"Do you have a cold?
Is your nose runny? Do you feel...?"
"No, we're feeling great."
"Does your belly ache,
your stomach, your intestines?"
"No, no."
Next question, "Are you homosexual?"
"Man! Why are you screaming
at me, questionnaire?"
I mean, no,
but what if I was?
If you're gay, you have frappuccino
instead of blood or what?
"No.
And I'm not feeling so well anymore.
Half a point here.
I'll be fair with this questionnaire.
There we go."
Next question... And I swear
it had this question.
"Have you used bloody sexual toys?"
What is that?
I mean, I know what it is,
but what is that?
It sounds like a senator party.
How does the bloody sexual toy work?
You go to the sex shop, buy your dildo,
drop it in blood...
and say, "I don't care,
I'll use it anyway."
"No."
Next question,
"Have you been raped recently?"
Never mind "raped"...
"recently"?
This questionnaire has no memory.
Just as Mexico, it really forgets.
It's bad.
"Recently"!
The worst part is I read it,
"Have you been raped recently?"
And I go, "Yes...
I played FIFA and lost the other day!
You know what happens."
Anyway...
I didn't donate blood,
but I won't tell you why.
Yes, don't be nosy.
So, I went to my brother's hospital room.
And I think...
that was one of the most critical moments
in the entire process.
The second they took him to surgery.
It's heavy. It's hard to see someone
you love so much being taken to surgery
with 50% chance of living,
50% of dying,
zero percent didn't answer.
Just picture that.
It's raw data. So...
They're taking my brother,
and we each reacted in our own way.
This is another lesson I learned,
we each react to cancer in our own way.
If you want, you tell jokes.
You can cry if you want.
And it's fine, it's beyond our control.
That's why I also talk about it here.
Comedy helps us cope
with things we don't understand.
So, they take my brother,
and then, someone starts crying,
others start talking...
Me? I didn't understand what was going on.
I had to go and lean on a wall.
I was out of breath.
And I swear,
the importance of your family
coming together is right there and then,
for I'm going through
the worst moment of my life,
and suddenly, my 12-year-old niece
spots me from across the room,
walks to me,
and gives me...
the strongest hug
anyone has ever given me.
The most loving hug
anyone has ever given me,
the most heartfelt hug
anyone has ever given me,
and says, "Uncle...
don't worry,
I'm sure your syphilis will go away."
Brilliant.
Kids.
I'd love...
to tell you this story ends well.
But unfortunately,
after a year and a half
with esophageal cancer
that turned our lives around,
mine and my family's,
my brother Pedro passed away.
After 10 chemotherapies,
40 radiotherapies,
after having surgery,
which he recovered from like a champ.
And at no point,
at no point along that year and a half,
throughout the entire treatment,
did he stop giving us love,
did he stop loving us,
did he ever stop giving us his support.
Just so you know the size
of that dude's heart,
we were about three-quarters
along the treatment,
he loses a lot of weight, gets pneumonia,
so we have to hospitalize him.
So I stay with him that night
at the hospital.
And...
as the nurse washed him and dressed him,
they were chatting.
Pedro was a chatterbox.
And...
He tells the nurse,
"Hey, do you know Alex Fernández?"
The nurse says,
"Who the hell is that loser?"
I don't blame her.
And...
My brother tells her,
"You don't know who he is?
He's the guy outside the door.
He's a comedian.
In fact, he's the best comedian
in the world."
And...
So if Pedro says so...
I believe it.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY ALEX FERNÁNDEZ
Thank you very much! Thanks for coming!
Fuck cancer! Good night!
IN LOVING MEMORY OF PEDRO,
THE BEST BROTHER IN THE WORLD
Subtitle translation by
ALEX FERNÁNDEZ
THE BEST COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD
Let's begin with the jokes, okay?
I'm Alex Fernández,
and I'm the best comedian in the world.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
What's so funny, man?
It's okay.
When I said that,
I know some of you thought,
"Wait till I open Twitter.
The minute I step out of here,
he'll hear me out."
Fine, I know you don't believe me.
It's hard to make you believe
I'm the best comedian in the world,
but it's my job...
Convincing you is my job.
This wasn't easy.
It started when I quit my job
after seven years working in an office.
Seven years.
Seven years.
It's a hell of a lot. Seven years!
It's a lot.
Have you done something for seven years
other than existing? It's a lot.
That's why elementary school is six years.
It's more than enough.
One day, I couldn't take it anymore
and told my boss,
"Boss, we need to talk.
Let's go to a conference room."
We went to a conference room
and I told her straight out,
"Boss, I'm here to..."
No, I didn't punch her.
No, it's communication. Someone
from Sonora might say, "Punch her!"
No, wait...
It's communication. I told her, "Boss,
I'm quitting. I'm going to be a comedian."
And my boss said two words
I never forget when I'm on stage,
which I carry with me tonight
just as all other nights...
She said, "Fuck, man!"
The woman said, "Fuck, man!"
'Cause she didn't believe me.
And why didn't she?
I didn't know, but two weeks earlier,
someone else had quit
saying he wanted to be a wrestler.
Just like that.
My former boss
was the well of broken dreams.
Everyone threw coins at her.
"I don't want to be an accountant anymore,
I want to be an astronaut."
I found it poetic.
I was a wrestling fan when I was little.
Mexican wrestling, such showmanship!
I will never forget,
for example, when my brother took me
to the Arena México for the first time.
It's a wonderful place.
If you're not from Mexico City,
when you come here,
keep an eye on your belongings, but...
go to the Arena México,
it's a wonderful place.
So, I remember when I went there,
I couldn't believe it. It was like...
"Hey, brother!
This is where they live!"
I was so naive, so innocent.
I had the action figures and the ring.
When I finished playing,
I'd keep them underneath.
To me, that's where they all lived.
Under the ring.
Perro Aguayo, his wife,
all of them lying there.
I can't believe the spectacle I'm seeing.
And there, in a corner of the ring,
is Místico, glowing.
Místico, glowing like this.
Picture his ass. There he was, like this.
There was Místico.
Because Místico shines, right?
His mask, his pants, his chest.
No one knows why...
but his chest shines,
the motherfucker sweats glitter.
His son must be really happy.
"Dad, I finished my school project."
"Let me decorate it, Son. There.
An 'M' is still missing. There you go."
No.
And my brother tells me, "That's not all.
You can interact with the wrestlers."
I didn't know that.
It was my first time there.
And it may be very chilango,
it's a Mexico City thing.
If you're not from there,
you won't get it.
Did anyone come from far away?
From northern Mexico?
Where are you from?
-From McAllen, Texas.
-McAllen, Texas.
Oh, from Monterrey, right?
From...
Okay, from McAllen, Texas, great.
Where else do you come from? You?
One said Nuevo León,
the other said Monterrey.
There's a problem there.
One of you is denying your origin.
"I'm from the entire state of Nuevo León,
saves you the trouble."
Okay, fine. Look, this is so chilango.
You won't get it, but...
this guy steps up there.
Místico is in the ring,
and he starts yelling at him,
greeting him halfway through the match.
"Místico!
Místico!
Místico!"
But Místico wouldn't turn his way.
There he was, ignoring him...
showing everyone his ass.
A checkmark on each buttock.
There he was.
"Místico!
Místico!
Místico!"
And Místico wouldn't turn around.
That's what makes him mystical, I guess.
"Místico!
Místico!
Místico!"
So Místico turns around.
And the guy tells him,
"Fuck you, Místico!"
What a moment!
My Mexico.
I know it's a very chilango thing.
Here, in Mexico City,
we yell at each other all the time.
I know you didn't get the joke.
Don't worry, I have the exact same joke
Monterrey version, just for you.
Tonight, same joke...
Monterrey version,
just for the two of you.
An insult for the rest of you here,
but a prize for you. Tonight...
same joke,
Monterrey version.
Same joke...
but Monterrey version. Exactly.
"Místico!
Místico!
Místico!"
And Místico wouldn't turn around.
There he was, showing his ass,
ignoring him.
A checkmark on each buttock.
"Místico!
Místico!
Místico!"
And Místico wouldn't turn around.
That's what makes him mystical, I guess.
"Místico!
Místico!"
Místico turns around...
and the guy says, "Fuck you, you pussy!"
There you go.
What a moment!
I'm growing up. I'm...
As the best comedian in the world,
I'm growing up.
I've discovered what being grown-up is.
I know what it is.
It's realizing you did stupid things
when you were little. That's growing up.
If you think you didn't do stupid things
when you were little,
it's because you're still immature.
We're so stupid.
We are born stupid.
That's why kids go to school,
to shed their stupidity.
Nature is wise.
It knows...
we're stupid.
That's why it shelters us, it protects us.
Raise your hand, don't be shy...
if you are or know a kid
that fell off a first floor
and came out unharmed.
Where are my boys?
Okay, we have a few.
My pal with the glasses here.
Hi, what's your name?
Emanuel.
Did you fall or was it some other kid?
It was you, wasn't it? Of course!
Make it a point, "I'm the one who fell."
Okay. How did you fall, Emanuel?
You fell...
down the stairs.
Oh, there were no stairs.
Just like a puppy... I didn't get it.
You were on a first floor?
It was a ladder and they took it away.
Where did you live?
In a Lego house or something?
And your memory didn't register...
So he said, "The ladder is still there."
And down you go.
How old were you...
when this happened? Six? Okay.
Your parents were such morons, right?
They just thought,
"Take the ladder away, what could happen?
The kid knows. The kid can see.
He'll be all right."
But nothing happened to you,
right, Emanuel? Luckily, you're here.
I'm so glad. And look...
I'm not saying a kid falling is funny.
On the contrary, it's very funny.
It's true when they say,
"They're made of rubber."
A kid falls, and he bounces.
And...
"Let's get
some Delaware Punch or something."
They just ignore it.
But the mom is hysterical, "He fell!
My little Emanuel fell!
From the first floor, the ladder
was gone. I don't know, he fell.
We took it away to clean it.
I don't know what happened!
I'm shocked.
Shocked. Look, feel me.
Yes, he was in his uniform.
He's such a moron, he'll get it dirty!
Tomorrow is everyday uniform!"
That can happen to a kid.
And the odds nothing will happen are high.
On the other hand,
an elderly can't fall like that.
Yes. It's not that old people are wise,
they're just careful not to fall.
There comes an age when falling
and Ebola are not that different.
At the same level. I'm not saying
it's funny when an old man falls.
It's very funny because...
it's slow.
Introduction, conflict, conclusions.
Questions, answers,
everything happens there.
So he's... "Well, here we are.
Another day, another dollar. Bring it on!
It'll take me all day to get to the store.
Let's do it!
Damn it!
Damn!
What's this mysterious stone pavement?
What's going on?
I miscalculated. No, what the...?
Yes, it's started.
The fall has started.
Day one.
It's like leaning down, but faster.
Here we go.
Can anyone please help me?
Help! I'm in uniform too!
But my supermarket stacker uniform!
Please help!"
My point here is it's good to share
our stupidity
because we grow up.
Emanuel, today you've become...
a grown-up. Congratulations.
So, I'll share one of my favorite
stupid moments with you,
my first drunken binge.
It happened when I was 16.
If you're under age, don't drink.
Stay away from drugs.
Don't do anything. Don't exist.
It's a horrible age, 16.
A story with three main characters:
Alex Fernández and two of his friends.
One is Miguel.
The other guy's name isn't this one,
but after that, that's how we called him,
Vomitrón.
Alex Fernández, Miguel and Vomitrón.
The three of us, hanging out.
We're ready for adventure.
We have movie tickets.
And, all of a sudden,
Miguel had this spark of stupidity.
You know that spark?
It comes from here, this brain lobe.
This is where all stupidity comes from.
Right? The side of the brain
that makes you say things like,
"What if we drive down the footpath?"
What did Miguel's master plan consist of?
It was very simple.
They'd drop us at the movie theater,
we'd pretend we go in,
but would go to a store,
buy alcohol, then grab a cab,
go to Gordo's party,
ingest all the alcohol
we could drink in 45 minutes...
and go back to the movie theater.
Nothing could go wrong.
Not even the PRI knew this con.
Bulletproof. I mean it.
So, they dropped us at the movies,
we pretend we go in.
Smaller, kind of...
We took a cab and went to an Oxxo,
bought really cheap alcohol,
this vodka...
It was a while ago,
there was no Four Loko.
The young ones laugh.
The older audience goes, "Four Loko?
You're loco, I don't get it."
Don't worry.
I'll explain.
Four Loko is a horrible beverage
you can either drink
or mop the floor with.
We bought this cheap vodka,
this cheap vodka which, at a distance,
seemed to have
some Russian guy on the label...
dressed in fur, killing a moose.
Vodkinski, here!
But you look closer and,
"Oh, no, it's a Monterrey dude."
In a fur coat. "Boy, it's freezing!"
Monterrinski.
Some grape juice,
which wasn't even grape juice,
it was this disgusting purple thing.
Some nibbles,
and off we go to Gordo's party,
which was for teenagers.
Are there any teenagers here tonight?
I hate you.
The worst time of my life. It's horrible.
You're horny all day.
You have no money, no self-esteem.
You have nothing, it's horrible.
So we get to Gordo's party.
At that age, we all want to be grown-ups.
It's horrible.
So the girls there are going...
"Like, I hate it.
I hate biology.
It's so hard and useless.
I hate it. Oh, it's upside down...
Like, I'm so stupid."
Everyone's there, dancing,
but weird, kind of in a circle,
as if it were a ritual.
Two dance at the center,
humiliate themselves, go back.
That's right.
And there you are, all stupid...
You know what's worse?
There was always this jokester
who'd do his jokes on the dance floor,
and everyone loved him.
"Is Carlitos coming? I hope he is."
"Carlitos is the best."
"There he is."
"I hope he does the taco seller dance."
"With pineapple, Carlitos."
"Carlitos is the best."
"Too bad he's adopted."
Kids are so cruel.
A big hand to all adopted kids!
Wherever you are.
Adopt, don't buy. So...
Here we are, at Gordo's drunken binge.
We drank all the alcohol we could.
One liter between the three of us.
Checked!
That's when I felt it kicked.
For the first time in my life,
I felt this beast coming out of my belly.
It kind of...
surges out from here.
And takes control of your life for good.
"Here I am, Alejandro, I'm alcohol."
"What are you doing?"
"I'll be here until you get a divorce."
"Everything is spinning, I'm not.
What's going on? Help!"
But I swear it was going fine.
They drop us at the movies.
Everything's just as planned.
We're at the movies, hammered.
"What, lady?
What are you staring at? What? Get a life!
I love life! Gimme a kiss."
But we forgot one tiny detail,
Vomitrón's mom was picking us up.
So she pulls over.
I don't know what we were thinking,
that a carriage would pick us up?
So Vomitrón's mom pulls over.
The three of us were hammered.
And that's when the problem began.
That's when the stupidity started.
"We're hammered, man! Why did we do this?"
"What now?"
"Put coins in your mouth, it'll go away."
We're there, like piggy banks.
Thank God for our savings!
Until Miguel rises from the ashes,
like the Phoenix.
"Relax...
I have a plan.
We can outwit this 47-year-old woman.
No fucking sweat.
Vomitrón, I'll outwit your mom.
I have a plan.
Let's just hold our breath."
"See?" "All right."
"Perfect."
"How was the movie?"
"Oh, sorry, we're hammered!"
Our plan lasted ten seconds.
Vomitrón's mom got mad.
She asked the obvious question,
"You drank?" We said no.
For that's when negotiation
with the grown-up starts.
Yes, first you go, "No, we didn't drink."
And as the grown-up gets angrier...
you fuel up the negotiation.
This is how great empires were founded.
The fucking Mayan Empire,
that's how it started.
"Did you drink?" "No, stupid woman!"
"You didn't? The motherfucker
is shirtless!" "Okay...
touché!
We may...
We just may have...
had a drink.
A little tiny one, with three straws.
Not regular straws,
the thin ones for coffee, ma'am."
Turtles didn't go ballistic back then,
come on!
"We only had one."
"One? You reek!"
"Okay, a medium-sized drink. Satisfied?"
So there we were, negotiating,
and I make a pause
to read the situation.
We were in a horrible Cutlass,
an ugly old Cutlass.
Being a Cutlass,
it already smelled like booze...
out of the dealer's.
"Look, it smells like brandy, see?"
We were in the Cutlass, it starts raining.
Vomitrón's mom won't stop screaming.
And Vomitrón is sitting there,
receiving the information.
"Yes, Mom."
Miguel is falling asleep...
"She's not my mom!
No sweat, I couldn't care less."
"La Calle de las Sirenas" is on the radio.
Just imagine.
You're 16, drunk for the first time
and "La Calle de las Sirenas"?
It plays tricks on your mind. I'm there...
being scolded,
"I can't believe it! How could you?"
And I'm there...
Mermaids
In the moon
"Yes, ma'am."
Soaking
Stars
With paint
A thousand princesses dance by
With dresses...
It was hard, so hard to be there.
Then, I see Vomitrón
is having a hard time.
He's really stiff, so strange.
Weird, kind of like jelly,
his head wouldn't move but his body would.
It was his gravity center.
There he was, focusing.
For when she turned the wheel,
it would be...
Speed bump.
Nothing, focused.
All of a sudden, his head starts moving.
There, like a pressure cooker regulator.
The beans are ready!
And he wants to open the window.
But it was a really old Cutlass, remember?
The thing wouldn't come down.
Eight turns per centimeter.
And then, it would go up... so weird.
And halfway open,
in comes one of the most impressive barfs
I've seen in my entire drunkard career.
This thing that only sounded...
and that's it.
That's it.
Like when you drop a one-gallon soda.
There was no...
No.
There was no...
No.
There was no "Grab my hair, man," nothing.
I swear, I hear that sound and...
"Did we hit a dove? What the hell?
Don't kill the wildlife, damn it!
Mankind is so selfish!"
So I turn around
and the whole windshield...
smeared with it.
On the inside.
And the outside.
A scientific marvel!
The vomit hit the windshield...
went out...
and outside it said, "This is cool,"
and came back in.
All purple there.
With white chunks.
Yes, you know, Vomitrón wanted Pingüinos.
There's your Picasso, sir.
Which his mother didn't take well,
obviously.
"This is..."
"Come on, Mom, chill..."
So she has to pull over.
And that's when extreme stupidity started.
We went crazy. I tried to convince her,
"No, Mrs. Vomitrón, the thing is...
We got to Gordo's party,
and you know Gordo...
I mean, it was lame, so we got there,
and it was so boring, we yawned.
And when we yawned, they stuffed
our mouths with alcohol. That's right."
The woman goes ballistic.
She won't stop screaming.
And that's when Vomitrón...
in an act of faith...
in an act of love...
straight from the heart,
wanting to reattach his umbilical cord...
which by then
was fractured by the situation...
takes off his T-shirt...
and starts cleaning the windshield.
Yes, yes.
The inside.
And a little outside, not much.
There he was.
With his fake Aéropostale T-shirt...
which made his mom even angrier.
For who washed Vomitrón's T-shirts?
The woman can't take it anymore.
She steps out of the car.
She's yelling, with hurtful words now.
"You know? That's why I divorced your dad!
This is what he'd do!
You're just like him!
I'm divorcing you! I hate you!"
She's trying to find someone to vent
her rage on, turns around, and her son...
She sees Miguel, fast asleep,
and then she sees me.
So she grabs me by the shirt...
and tells me, "Alejandro!
What are you thinking?
What the fuck are you thinking?"
And I'm, "Ma'am, what am I thinking?
I'm 16, I don't think.
But if you want an answer,
do you know what I'm thinking?
In this ugly Cutlass,
with your son puking, you yelling at me,
this fucker asleep,
do you know what I'm thinking?
A thousand princesses dance by
With dresses that fly by"
Are there any gamers with us tonight?
I love video games.
Where are you?
That's where the virgins are.
All of you think...
"Don't call us virgins, it's not right.
That's not true.
We're not virgins.
We just don't fuck much. Stop it!"
Besides, video games
aren't just for virgins anymore.
People who play them are very violent.
We're crazy.
Have you ever seen two friends play FIFA?
It's madness.
FIFA, the soccer video game.
Two friends,
they lose control just like that.
"Hey, pal.
Want to hang out in your bedroom...
and play some FIFA? Do you?"
What's his reply?
"I'll screw you, let's do it!
I'll fuck you up good.
What I want is to penetrate..." Wait...
"Aren't you buying me dinner first?"
"I'll shove my dick...!"
It's terrible.
Besides, the game is violent.
The game causes more violence.
When someone scores,
they play it back.
And only the one who scored
can make it stop playing back.
It's a Hitler thing. It's crazy.
It's very humiliating
when the other guy scores.
"Goal!"
If only you had the chance to say,
"I'll stop it, fuck!
I know how to make it stop playing back."
"Goal!"
"Stop it, moron!"
"Goal!"
Your friend won't let it go,
it's a moment of glory.
He'll make fun of you.
You're sitting there and he's enjoying it.
"Goal!
Goal!
Who's the man?
Goal!
I brought you a present.
Your birth certificate.
I'm your daddy! Goal!"
Horrible, just horrible.
"I'll screw you." What is that?
I know what it means, but what is that?
We don't listen to the words we say.
Imagine it was true...
That your FIFA match
ended that way, cool.
Right?
Oh, right.
Right? "Okay, cool, just relax.
It's just a game.
Don't overreact. Hi, ma'am.
No, we're playing FIFA.
Yes, just chilling.
Bread and cheese would be great, yes.
No sauce for him...
Yes, ma'am."
"Come on, man, stop crying.
Besides, it's your fault.
It's your fault, man.
You have no coordination
since you fell from the first floor
because they took the ladder away."
We live in a world of opinions.
Everyone has an opinion now.
When I said I was the best comedian
in the world, I know what you thought.
Right? We have an opinion.
It's fine, we all have an opinion.
I think it's too much.
Maybe you don't know, but porn sites
have a comments section now.
There...
on the porn site,
there's a comments section.
And people leave comments.
Should I respect the opinion of someone
with his jeans down to his ankles?
It's kind of weird, "No, I don't agree."
What's wrong with us?
People comment now.
You have your porn
and it has its comments section.
"The lady lacked passion."
Excuse me, Guillermo del Toro...
if you didn't like this masterpiece.
"I didn't like the end."
"I didn't like the end."
I read it, right there.
Besides, we all know
all porn movies end the same way.
They all end the same.
They all end in your tears of sadness.
They all end there...
with you crying.
"I didn't like the end."
It got me thinking.
For, yes, it would be great
if the porn movie
had a more artistic ending.
It would be lovely if you did your thing,
watching the end of your movie,
with the last scene
with a big screen ending.
It would be lovely if you were there,
watching porn, the guy's there...
There he is, right?
The girl there...
"I see dead people."
It would be so great.
It's one way of seeing it.
But when I say everyone has an opinion
and I couldn't care less,
it has a lot to do
with the way I was raised.
I guess I'm bulletproof
against all opinions
because I was born
in a fucking huge family.
I'm the sixth out of six siblings.
Out of six, the last one! The youngest!
Everyone always tried to educate me.
I was raised with everyone's opinion.
When I was little, I once said,
"Dad!
I want to be an actor."
And my dad, straight from the heart,
empathically said, motivating his son,
he told me what a loving father would say,
"Oh, okay, you're going to be gay, then!
Why can't you be an engineer
like your brother,
or an engineer like your brother,
or an engineer like your brother?"
"I'm a psychologist."
"Shut up, we're covering engineers now!"
Parenthesis, we're six.
That means my parents had sex six times.
Yuck!
At least six times.
At least six times my dad told my mom,
"Come, baby." Six times!
I grew up with all these opinions,
but let me tell you...
If you ever have a dream
or want to do something with your life,
want to change something you're doing,
always have someone to support you,
no matter what.
Luckily, among my siblings,
I always had one who gave me his support.
It's rare, you don't just find someone
to support you unconditionally in life.
I think it has something to do...
And it sounds strange, don't frown,
but it may be
because he was born with a disability.
Some laugh back there, fucking great.
"He said 'disabled,' let's laugh.
That's a funny word."
It may sound strange, but my brother Pedro
was born with a disability.
He has cerebral palsy.
So he is disabled,
both mentally and physically.
Let's say he always had
the intelligence of a 12-year-old.
If you think about it, when he was seven,
he was a genius.
But that's not the point.
Let's not digress.
The point is the fucker
always had everyone's love.
He was always cheered on. "You want
to be an actor? Of course you do."
Nothing but love, always.
Just listen to this...
We went to the movies.
I took him to watch Suicide Squad,
and he liked it. That's how much...
unconditional love we're talking about.
He's someone who always supported me.
You should have someone like that.
I've always said comedy
is like a gigantic staircase
with a lot of steps.
You have to climb them little by little,
and you need a support system.
A very important step
is your first special.
I don't know if you've watched it,
but I had a special a few years ago,
on Netflix.
It was there, maybe you watched it.
Yes, some of you did. Great.
Yes, I don't blame you, it wasn't much.
We're getting better. So...
I remember the day
the special was released so well.
It was a truly special day.
I was in Hermosillo
finishing a tour.
I did a tour no one went to.
A tour...
no one went to.
Thirty-five people, I think.
I mean, in total,
if you add up all the cities.
Thirty-five people.
The Hermosillo show ends,
it was great, so I go to the hotel,
for there's not much to do
in Hermosillo and...
That night, I got a call
that changed my life forever.
My sister called
and told me, "Hey, I know...
that your special is coming out today,
and that it's very important,
but I have some news for you.
Pedro, our brother,
was just told he has esophageal cancer."
And...
I know what you're thinking now.
You're thinking,
"Oh, now he's going to get dramatic."
Yes, it is going to get dramatic.
Welcome, you paid your ticket for cancer.
We're here, there you go.
Welcome to Cancerland. Let's talk...
It's weird, because they tell me this news
and the first thing you think about
with cancer is why.
"Why?" is the first question you ask.
"Why my brother,
who didn't lie, didn't do drugs,
didn't drink, who always gave love?
Why him and not Donald Trump?"
Just a thought here, I don't know.
And there's no answer to that, guys.
And it's strange I'm here
talking about cancer,
but I think we have to talk about cancer,
it's a very common disease.
But for some reason,
no one speaks about cancer.
It's a whispered sickness.
Let's see. Obesity,
hypertension, diabetes,
top cause of death in the nation.
And I've never seen diabetes
being taboo, "Hey...
my dear Luis, what can I say?
Well...
If you ever need anything...
except for food, whatever you want,
we're here for you."
It just doesn't happen.
It doesn't happen with Luis.
I'm not saying it isn't
a horrible disease, it is.
But we've learned to live with it,
and we never speak about cancer.
Raise your hand here,
don't be shy, if you're...
a cancer patient
or know anyone who has had cancer.
Raise your hand
and keep it raised to see...
Leave it up there, don't put it down.
The rest of you who didn't raise
your hand, look around you
and take a look at the sheer numbers.
Cancer exists.
Thanks. But we don't talk about it.
It's a really ugly process
where I realized that your family
either comes together or it splits up.
Fortunately, mine came together.
And really together. I think it did...
Yes, it really bonded.
Four WhatsApp groups.
The same family, four WhatsApp groups.
See your horrible family group,
the hell you live on your cell phone?
Multiply it by four, that was me.
So tight. There was a group
with everyone in it.
The siblings, our parents,
uncles, dogs...
everyone.
Such a motivational group.
"Yes, of course, we'll fight it,
it'll be all right.
'Cancer' with 'C' for 'courage,'
bring it on!"
There they were.
Then, there was a group with less people
who'd say,
"Hey, we're not doing that great.
Don't tell the dogs. We're hanging
in there, just don't tell the dogs."
Then there was the small group,
where you had to pay.
People kept dropping out.
"So or so has left the group."
And in the end, one where I'd send memes
to myself and stuff like that,
just for motivation. There I was.
Dealing with such a tight family is weird.
Ironically, it was
in such an adverse situation
when my family was the tightest.
It's strange, really weird.
Blood donations were needed
for my brother's operation.
I don't know if you know
about esophageal cancer surgery. It's...
so extreme.
They take the esophagus
together with the tumor.
Then they make a new esophagus
with your stomach.
It's now possible.
You can tell the doctor,
"I want a hand here, please.
Just look at me fucking using it!"
And for this operation,
blood donations were needed.
So one of my brothers posts on the group,
"I'm not donating, I have blue blood."
I mean... sorry.
But I read that
as the family comedian...
and it sounds like an insult.
"Fuck, you're an engineer!
Stick to engineering, don't fuck with me!"
I was so mad I thought,
"No, I must have the last word.
The punch line is mine."
So I write,
"I'm not donating
because I have syphilis."
I didn't give a damn.
I didn't realize I'd sent it to the group
with kids in it.
They asked,
"What's syphilis, uncle?"
"Don't worry, cousin, I'm investigating.
Here's some images."
And we got them.
Donating blood is so hard. It really is.
It's easier to get your visa.
At least there's hope you'll get one.
They give you a questionnaire
with a bunch of questions.
It starts really friendly.
The blood questionnaire is like,
"Yes, bring it on.
Yes, all blood types are welcome. Do it!"
And little by little, it starts meddling.
First question, "Are you all right today?"
"Well, yes." Right?
"Yes, there's this cancer thing, but...
With a 'C' for 'courage'. Yes, yes."
Next question,
"Do you have a cold?
Is your nose runny? Do you feel...?"
"No, we're feeling great."
"Does your belly ache,
your stomach, your intestines?"
"No, no."
Next question, "Are you homosexual?"
"Man! Why are you screaming
at me, questionnaire?"
I mean, no,
but what if I was?
If you're gay, you have frappuccino
instead of blood or what?
"No.
And I'm not feeling so well anymore.
Half a point here.
I'll be fair with this questionnaire.
There we go."
Next question... And I swear
it had this question.
"Have you used bloody sexual toys?"
What is that?
I mean, I know what it is,
but what is that?
It sounds like a senator party.
How does the bloody sexual toy work?
You go to the sex shop, buy your dildo,
drop it in blood...
and say, "I don't care,
I'll use it anyway."
"No."
Next question,
"Have you been raped recently?"
Never mind "raped"...
"recently"?
This questionnaire has no memory.
Just as Mexico, it really forgets.
It's bad.
"Recently"!
The worst part is I read it,
"Have you been raped recently?"
And I go, "Yes...
I played FIFA and lost the other day!
You know what happens."
Anyway...
I didn't donate blood,
but I won't tell you why.
Yes, don't be nosy.
So, I went to my brother's hospital room.
And I think...
that was one of the most critical moments
in the entire process.
The second they took him to surgery.
It's heavy. It's hard to see someone
you love so much being taken to surgery
with 50% chance of living,
50% of dying,
zero percent didn't answer.
Just picture that.
It's raw data. So...
They're taking my brother,
and we each reacted in our own way.
This is another lesson I learned,
we each react to cancer in our own way.
If you want, you tell jokes.
You can cry if you want.
And it's fine, it's beyond our control.
That's why I also talk about it here.
Comedy helps us cope
with things we don't understand.
So, they take my brother,
and then, someone starts crying,
others start talking...
Me? I didn't understand what was going on.
I had to go and lean on a wall.
I was out of breath.
And I swear,
the importance of your family
coming together is right there and then,
for I'm going through
the worst moment of my life,
and suddenly, my 12-year-old niece
spots me from across the room,
walks to me,
and gives me...
the strongest hug
anyone has ever given me.
The most loving hug
anyone has ever given me,
the most heartfelt hug
anyone has ever given me,
and says, "Uncle...
don't worry,
I'm sure your syphilis will go away."
Brilliant.
Kids.
I'd love...
to tell you this story ends well.
But unfortunately,
after a year and a half
with esophageal cancer
that turned our lives around,
mine and my family's,
my brother Pedro passed away.
After 10 chemotherapies,
40 radiotherapies,
after having surgery,
which he recovered from like a champ.
And at no point,
at no point along that year and a half,
throughout the entire treatment,
did he stop giving us love,
did he stop loving us,
did he ever stop giving us his support.
Just so you know the size
of that dude's heart,
we were about three-quarters
along the treatment,
he loses a lot of weight, gets pneumonia,
so we have to hospitalize him.
So I stay with him that night
at the hospital.
And...
as the nurse washed him and dressed him,
they were chatting.
Pedro was a chatterbox.
And...
He tells the nurse,
"Hey, do you know Alex Fernández?"
The nurse says,
"Who the hell is that loser?"
I don't blame her.
And...
My brother tells her,
"You don't know who he is?
He's the guy outside the door.
He's a comedian.
In fact, he's the best comedian
in the world."
And...
So if Pedro says so...
I believe it.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY ALEX FERNÁNDEZ
Thank you very much! Thanks for coming!
Fuck cancer! Good night!
IN LOVING MEMORY OF PEDRO,
THE BEST BROTHER IN THE WORLD
Subtitle translation by