Adventures in Comedy (2015) - full transcript

[funky percussive music]

♪

- EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
SOMEBODY WILL SAY, YOU KNOW,

"NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU LOOK
LIKE JANEANE GAROFALO.

NO OFFENSE."

I'M LIKE, "UH, WELL,
NONE TAKEN."

UH, AND THEN, SOMETIMES,
THEY'LL SAY,

"WHAT EVER HAPPENED--
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO HER?"

WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW
THAT IT'S ME,

AND THEN I'LL SAY, "IT'S ME."

AND THEY'LL SAY,
"WHY DID YOU QUIT ACTING?"



WHICH IS LIKE GETTING PUNCHED
IN THE FACE.

- THE REASON I DO STAND-UP

IS BECAUSE MY PARENTS DIDN'T
REALLY SHOW ME ENOUGH AFFECTION,

WHICH I THINK
IS WHAT KIND OF COMES DOWN TO

WHY MOST PEOPLE DO STAND-UP
OR SHOWBIZ IN GENERAL.

BUT THE THING IS, LIKE, IF YOU
DIDN'T HAVE SHITTY PARENTS

IN THE WORLD, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE AN ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY,

SO WHEN YOU SEE, LIKE,
A--A PARENT ON THE STREET,

YOU KNOW, LIKE--
LIKE, YELLING AT THEIR KID

OR SAYING THEY'RE A LOSER
OR, LIKE, PUNCHING THEM,

LIKE, YOU MIGHT SAY THAT
THEY'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON,

BUT THEY'RE
KIND OF KEEPING SHOWBIZ

AND THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY
ALIVE.

I DID STAND-UP
FOR ABOUT 11 YEARS,



AND I REALLY LIKED IT.

I HAD SOME REALLY GOOD SUCCESS
AT IT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, I GOT A BUNCH
OF, YOU KNOW, TV THINGS,

AND I WAS ACTING,
AND THINGS WERE GOING WELL,

BUT THEN
IT JUST KIND OF STOPPED.

AND I DIDN'T REALLY LIKE

THE DIRECTION
MY CAREER WAS GOING,

SO I STOPPED, AND I WAS GONNA
TRY AND DO SOMETHING ELSE.

I WAS GONNA TRY AND GO
TO LAW SCHOOL OR SOMETHING,

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT--
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A LAWYER.

I'M DATING A GIRL, AND WE'RE
DOING THIS THING RIGHT NOW.

YOU EVER DONE THIS?

WE'RE MAKING LISTS
OF CELEBRITIES

THAT IT'S OKAY FOR US
TO HAVE SEX WITH

IF THE OPPORTUNITY ARISES.

IT'S CLEARLY
A VERY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

I HAVEN'T FINISHED MY LIST YET,
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN TOO BUSY TRYING

TO GET HER SISTER AND HER
BEST FRIEND RECORD DEALS.

[laughter]

THIS IS KIND OF MY LAST SHOT,
I THINK,

BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW

WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE
AT THIS POINT.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW
WHAT ELSE I CAN DO, YOU KNOW.

I'M APPROACHING 40 RAPIDLY,
AND MY JOB

FOR THE LAST, YOU KNOW,
11 YEARS OR SO

WAS BASICALLY
BEING A WISE-ASS ONSTAGE.

AND, YOU KNOW,
ONCE YOU'RE ALMOST 40,

YOU KNOW, ONCE YOU HIT 40,

YOU CAN'T REALLY GO
TO THE HELP-WANTED SECTION

AND TRY AND JUST GET
A LEGIT JOB.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,
THERE'S NO CLASSIFIEDS.

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, WE'RE LOOKING
FOR A SARCASTIC ASSHOLE

TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE
AT THE LAW FIRM,"

OR, "WE JUST WANT A GUY
AT OUR DOCTOR'S OFFICE

TO TALK ABOUT HIS BALLS."

SO I REALLY NEED THIS CD
TO DO SOMETHING.

- I ALWAYS LIKEN IT TO BEING,
LIKE, A HIGH DIVER, YOU KNOW.

THE FIRST THOUSAND TIMES
YOU GET UP THERE,

YOU'RE WAY--YOU'RE JUST WAY
FUCKING UP IN THE SKY,

AND IT'S TERRIFYING EVERY TIME
YOU GET UP THERE.

- ALL COMICS FEEL LIKE
THIS IS THE WRONG THING

THAT I'M DOING.

- OH!

- GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

- YOU'RE A HUGE ASSHOLE

TO WANT TO BE A COMEDIAN
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- [making raspy noises]

- SO MUCH, LIKE, "FUCK YOU,
NO, YOU CAN'T--

"NO, WHO--
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS ENOUGH.
YOU'RE NOT POPULAR ENOUGH."

PEOPLE REALLY DON'T WANT YOU
TO MAKE IT.

- YOU FILTHY CLOWN WHORE!

- AH!

- I COULD LIKEN IT
TO WHEN YOU'RE AT THE CLINIC

AND YOU'RE GOING IN
TO GET YOUR TEST RESULTS.

- I USED TO GET COLD SWEATS.

- DURING THE--THE THING?

- DURING IT, YOU COULD
FEEL YOURSELF SWEATING.

- I'VE BEEN DOING IT
FOR OVER 20 YEARS.

SO THE FIRST SIX YEARS:
COMPLETELY TERRIFIED.

I WOULD COMPARE STAND-UP
TO A TOWN HALL

DEALING WITH
TEA PARTY ADVOCATES.

LIKE, THERE'S A CHANCE
FOR IT TO GO CRAZY,

BUT YOU PROBABLY SHOULD
BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT.

RIGHT?

- MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
YEAH. I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, WE--WE NEED A COMIC,
YOU'RE SAYING, FOR THIS GIG?

[inhales sharply]

YEAH, I CAN'T THINK OF ANYONE.

UM, I MEAN,
IS TOMMY DAVIDSON AROUND?

CAN--DO YOU KNOW HIS PEOPLE?

CAN WE GET--I MEAN, I'LL TAKE
ANY COMIC AT THIS POINT.

UH, LITERALLY ANY COMEDIAN.

OH, I LOVE PIZZA.

YOU KNOW WHAT I PUT
ON MY PIZZA?

I'LL TELL YOU
EVERY SINGLE TOPPING.

SCALLIONS.
YOU EVER GET SCALLIONS?

THAT'S A WEIRD ONE.

ANCHOVIES, I'VE GOTTEN.

OF COURSE
I'VE GOTTEN EXTRA TOMATO.

OKAY. IS THAT IT?

ALL RIGHT. GREAT.

ALL RIGHT.
GREAT, BETH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OKAY.

NO, THANK YOU.

NO,
THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.
I LOVE YOU, BABY.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
I LOVE YOU.

[smacking lips]

OKAY.

- WHO WAS THAT?

- THAT WAS MY AUNT.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, BUDDY?

- I'M GOOD.
HOW YOU DOING?

- YOU LOOK GOOD.
- I DO? THANKS.

- YOU LOOK GOOD.

LIKE, FOR REAL GOOD.
- YEAH.

- WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?
YOU GAIN SOME WEIGHT?

- UM, NO, I THINK
I ACTUALLY LOST SOME WEIGHT.

- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
THAT I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE.

- OKAY.

- THIS IS A GREAT TIME FOR YOU
RIGHT NOW.

- IS IT?
- YEAH.

- WHY?
- THIS IS A GREAT TIME.

BECAUSE THINGS ARE PRETTY MUCH

AS SHITTY AS THEY CAN GET
FOR YOU.

YOU'RE SO IRRELEVANT.
- YEAH.

- YOU'RE SO COLD RIGHT NOW
THAT YOU'RE HOT.

THAT YOU'RE FUCKING HOT, BUDDY.
- OKAY.

- EVERYTHING SUCKS FOR YOU,
WHICH MEANS EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, YOU'RE--
YOU'RE PROBABLY HERE,

BUT THAT MAKES YOU HERE,
YOU KNOW.

- RIGHT. RIGHT.
- YOU'RE TOTALLY IRRELEVANT.

YOU'VE BEEN
OUT OF THE GAME FOREVER.

- WHICH MEANS I'M...
- YOU'RE IN THE GAME.

- OKAY.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT--

- SO BASICALLY,
YOU SAY THE OPPOSITE

OF WHATEVER THE FIRST THING.

- NO.
- NO?

- NO, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
THAT WAS OPPOSITE.

- STAND-UP IS LITERALLY

THE LOWEST RUNG
OF SHOW BUSINESS,

AND WE'RE BELOW VENTRILOQUISTS
AND MAGICIANS

AND A PORN STAR THAT JUST
KIND OF WANTS TO TRY IT.

YOU'RE BELOW HIM.

YOU'RE BELOW STEVE-O.

- UH, PEOPLE'S
BIGGEST MISCONCEPTIONS

ABOUT STAND-UP COMEDIANS
IS THAT THEY'RE FUNNY--

THEY'RE ACTUALLY FUNNY PEOPLE,
AND THEY'RE ACTUALLY NOT.

NOT FUNNY AT ALL.

- THE--THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION
THAT PEOPLE HAVE

ABOUT STAND-UP COMEDY
IS THAT IT'S EASY.

- I HAD ONE GOAL,
AND THAT WAS TO GET

ON THE DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW.

I STARTED MARCH 11, 1995,

AND I DID LETTERMAN
JUNE 13, 2012.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS.

- AND I ACTUALLY WENT BACK
TO BEING A LAWYER FOR A WHILE.

I WALKED AWAY FROM IT
'CAUSE IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH.

BUT I WENT BACK TO LAW,
AND I SWORE OFF COMEDY,

AND THEN, TWO MONTHS LATER,
I WAS BACK AT THE CLUBS

DOING COMEDY LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC
GOING FOR A DRINK.

- CAN'T FUCKING QUIT.

- COMEDIANS REALLY DO
HAVE TO DO COMEDY.

LIKE, WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"SEINFELD'S GOING BACK
TO STAND-UP."

LIKE, WELL, OF COURSE HE IS.

HE HAS TO DO IT.

- LOOK AT ME.

LAUGH AT ME.

CLAP FOR ME.

- RIGHT.

- UH, I WANT TO BE SEEN.

SO THAT'S A DEGREE
OF NARCISSISM, YES?

THERE IS THAT THING
SAYING, "HEY, DUDE,

YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW TO DO ANYTHING ELSE."

- I'D SAY FROM ABOUT '92
TO ABOUT 2002,

I HAD A LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES
AND A LOT OF SUCCESS,

AND THEN IT WENT AWAY,
WHICH ACTUALLY FELT MORE NORMAL

IN A CERTAIN SENSE, BECAUSE...

- WHEN IT WENT AWAY?

- WHEN IT WENT AWAY,
EVEN THOUGH IT HURT ME TERRIBLY,

AND IT STILL, TO THIS DAY,
HURTS ME TO THINK ABOUT,

"OH, MY GOSH, IT JUST ENDED,

"AND I'M NOT AS POPULAR
AS I ONCE WAS,

WITH, YOU KNOW, CERTAIN PEOPLE."

CASTING DIRECTORS OR DIRECTORS.

SO THAT HURTS MY FEELINGS,
'CAUSE IT FEELS PERSONAL.

IT MAY NOT BE PERSONAL,
BUT IT FEELS PERSONAL.

BUT THEN, IN ANOTHER SENSE,
IT WAS LIKE,

"OH, I ALWAYS SUSPECTED
NO ONE LIKED ME."

- I STOPPED DOING STAND-UP
FOR ABOUT 18 MONTHS,

AND I GOT BACK INTO IT, BECAUSE
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
GOING TO JOB INTERVIEWS

AND TELLING THEM YOU DID
STAND-UP FOR TEN YEARS

IS ABOUT AS USEFUL
AS A FELONY CONVICTION

IN THE REAL WORLD.

THE REASON I GOT BACK INTO IT

WAS 'CAUSE, UH,

THIS GUY, UH,

APPROACHED ME ABOUT RECORDING
ANOTHER ALBUM.

- I FIRST SAW TOM
ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO

AT A SHOW IN THE EAST VILLAGE.

HE WAS AMAZING.

I MEAN, EASILY
THE BEST ON THE SHOW,

AND THERE WERE SOME FAMOUS
PEOPLE ON THE BILL THAT NIGHT.

I MEAN, HE KILLED IT.

LITERALLY, HE KILLED.

THERE WAS A GIRL WHO HUNG
HERSELF DURING THE SHOW.

THAT'S HOW FUNNY HE WAS.

THIS GUY COULD BE BIG.

WITH THE RIGHT BACKING,

WITH THE RIGHT MATERIAL,
THE RIGHT PROMOTION,

THIS GUY COULD BE BIGGER
THAN ARSENIO.

- OH, TOM MCCAFFREY SHOULD
BE WAY MORE FAMOUS THAN HE IS.

CLEARLY MORE FAMOUS.

- HE'S DEFINITELY
ONE OF THE FUNNIEST GUYS

IN NEW YORK CITY, AND IF
YOU'RE ONE OF THE FUNNIEST GUYS

IN NEW--AND THERE'S NOT
THAT MANY FUNNY DUDES.

THERE'S LITERALLY TEN,
AND HE'S ONE OF THEM,

AND--AND THE OTHER NINE
ARE MILLIONAIRES RIGHT NOW

AND ON TELEVISION.

- WHEN I WAS TEN YEARS OLD,
I APPEARED ON THE OSCARS.

IT WAS 1984,

JOHNNY CARSON WAS THE HOST,

AND I DANCED
WITH, LIKE, 50 OTHER KIDS

TO THE SONG WHAT A FEELING,

WHICH WAS THE SONG
FROM THE MOVIE FLASHDANCE

BY IRENE CARA.

[upbeat music]

♪

I THINK IT WAS THERE
THAT I KIND OF GOT HOOKED

ON THE IDEA OF BEING IN SHOWBIZ
AND BEING FAMOUS

OR, I DON'T KNOW, JUST BEING
IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY,

BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

AND IT SEEMED REALLY EASY
AT THAT POINT,

BECAUSE I WAS TEN YEARS OLD

AND I WAS ALREADY, YOU KNOW,
HANGING OUT WITH, LIKE--

LIKE, JACK NICHOLSON WAS THERE,

AND HE CAME UP TO ME
AND MADE SOME COMMENT TO ME

ABOUT, LIKE, HOW GREAT
WE HAD ALL BEEN.

AND HE HAD HIS OSCAR
IN HIS HAND.

SO I WAS JUST KIND OF, LIKE,
AROUND ALL THESE OSCAR WINNERS.

SO I WAS LIKE,
"WOW, THIS IS GONNA BE EASY."

- LET'S TALK ABOUT TV SHOWS.

- OKAY.

COULD YOU GET ME
ON SOME TV SHOWS?

- WHAT KIND OF TV SHOW
DO YOU WANT TO GET ON?

- WELL, I WANT TO DO,
YOU KNOW, LIKE,

A LATE NIGHT TV SHOW, MAYBE.

- WHAT KIND OF LATE NIGHT?

STEVE HARVEY SHOW?

- STEVE HARVEY?
- MM-HMM.

- I DON'T EVEN THINK
HE HAS A SHOW, DOES HE?

- HE SHOULD.

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT PITCHING
THE STEVE HARVEY SHOW?

- [scoffs]
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

WHY WOULD I PITCH--
- NAME A SHOW.

NAME A SHOW YOU WANT TO BE ON.

- OKAY. UH,FALLON.

- NO. NAME ANOTHER ONE.

- ALL RIGHT.LETTERMAN.

- NO, I CAN'T GET YOU
EITHER OF THOSE.

LET'S MOVE AWAY FROM COMEDY.
- OKAY.

- I'M THINKING, LIKE, HAVE YOU--
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT BRAVO?

SOMETHING THAT'S MAYBE
GAY/LESBIAN FRIENDLY?

- CAN YOU JUST--DO YOU--
CAN YOU GET ME ANY GIGS?

- I GOT YOU AN AUDITION
FOR A JAMBA JUICE COMMERCIAL.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

IT'S NOT ACTUALLY
A COMMERCIAL.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE HANDING OUT
JAMBA JUICE OUTSIDE OF A MALL.

- THAT'S NOT
A COMMERCIAL AUDITION AT ALL.

- IF YOU WANT TO GET A JOB
IN REAL ESTATE RIGHT NOW,

I CAN--I CAN HOOK YOU UP.
- YEAH.

I DON'T WANT
TO DO REAL ESTATE.

- DO YOU HAVE
A REAL ESTATE LICENSE?

- NO, I DON'T.
I DON'T DO REAL ESTATE.

- OKAY.
- WHY WOULD I--

- MM, SEEMS LIKE
YOU'RE PRETTY PICKY RIGHT NOW

FOR WHERE YOU ARE.

- I'M TRYING TO GET READY

TO RECORD THIS ALBUM.

CAN YOU GET ME A GIG

DOING STAND-UP
TO GET READY FOR THAT?

- I'VE ALREADY GOT ONE
LINED UP FOR YOU.

- WHAT--

- [pounding on keyboard]

- WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?
IS THAT--

- I CAN'T LOG IN.

I GOT A SHOW FOR YOU
TOMORROW NIGHT...

- YEAH.
- IN AN APARTMENT...

- IN AN APARTMENT.

- IN FRONT
OF FIVE TO EIGHT PEOPLE.

- AND THIS IS,
LIKE, A REAL THING?

- REAL ARTSY, REAL HIP.

- DO I GET PAID FOR THAT?

- WELL, I MEAN--
[laughs]

LOOK, MAN, YOU WANT TO GET PAID,
OR DO YOU WANT TO DO COMEDY?

- [scoffs]
- PEOPLE DON'T DO BOTH, OKAY?

- THEY DON'T?
- HANG ON A SECOND.

LET ME CRUNCH SOME NUMBERS.

- WHAT ARE YOU--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE JUST--

I DON'T--WHAT IS THAT?
YOU'RE--

- 13 COMICS.

- YOU JUST--
THAT WASN'T EVEN REAL.

- 13 COMEDIANS.
WHAT WASN'T REAL?

- WHAT--WHAT YOU DID.

YOU JUST, LIKE, PRETENDED
LIKE YOU WERE HITTING KEYS

OR SOMETHING.

- I TYPE VERY FAST.
LOOK, TOM.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, WHEN IS--
WHEN IS THE GIG?

- I'M NOT SURE.

I'M NOT POSITIVE.

- WELL, WHERE IS IT?

- I'M NOT POSITIVE
ABOUT THAT EITHER,

BUT I CAN TELL YOU SOMETHING.

- WHAT?

- ONCE I GET THE PASSWORD
TO THIS COMPUTER,

I WILL HAVE ALL OF
THAT INFORMATION FOR YOU, TOM.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO CHANGE
THE TONER IN THE COPY MACHINE

IN EXCHANGE
FOR USING THIS OFFICE.

- OKAY.

- YOU WANT
A JUG OF WATER, BUDDY?

THIS IS--THIS IS
A JUG OF WATER RIGHT HERE

WITH YOUR NAME ON IT.

ALL RIGHT.
- I DON'T REALLY THINK I CAN--

- HEY. YOU TAKE THAT.

GIVE ME 10% OF IT.

I'M JUST KIDDING.
I'M JUST KIDDING.

BUT SERIOUSLY,
GIVE ME 10% OF SOMETHING.

- OKAY.

- HEY,
LEAVE THAT JUG OF WATER HERE.

YOU REALLY CAN'T HAVE THAT.

- IT DID NOT SURPRISE ME AT ALL

THAT TOM
BECAME A STAND-UP COMIC,

BECAUSE HE WAS A NATURAL.

THAT WAS THE DIRECTION
HE WAS ALWAYS GOING IN.

OH, GROWING UP, I MEAN,
HE COULD COME IN THE ROOM,

AND EVERYONE WOULD JUST START
LAUGHING AND CRACKING UP.

I MEAN, I REMEMBER, ONE TIME,
HE CAME IN, AND HE--

HE JUST TOLD A JOKE,
AND EVERYBODY JUST LAUGHED.

THAT'S HOW FUNNY HE IS.

I REALLY SUPPORT TOM
AND HIS DREAMS.

I LITERALLY SUPPORT TOM
AND HIS DREAMS,

STARTING
WITH THE CELL PHONE BILL

I'VE BEEN PAYING
FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS.

I LITERALLY SUPPORT HIM
AND HIS DREAMS.

SO WHAT I'M PRETTY MUCH SAYING
IS, IF I WEREN'T HERE,

TOM MCCAFFREY
WOULDN'T HAVE A PHONE.

- I JUST, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
I DO WANT TO BECOME FAMOUS

SO THAT, YOU KNOW, LIKE,
SCARLETT JOHANSSON WILL BLOW ME.

I FEEL LIKE THE DRIVING FORCE
BEHIND PEOPLE DOING STAND-UP--

AND ME, ESPECIALLY--IS, LIKE,
GETTING SCARLETT JOHANSSON

OR WHOEVER THE
SCARLETT JOHANSSON OF THE DAY IS

TO BLOW THEM.

- YOU'RE UP 18TH.

SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE YOU 18TH.

SO THAT'LL...
- OKAY.

- YEAH. RIGHT. YEAH.

- HOW MANY PEOPLE
ARE ON THE SHOW?

- THERE'S 18 PEOPLE ON THE SHOW.

YOU'RE GONNA BE 18TH.
- SO I'M LAST.

- YEAH, WE PUT YOU THERE
'CAUSE YOU'RE THE STRONGEST.

THAT'S--THAT'S THE SPOT FOR YOU,
'CAUSE YOU'RE STRONGEST.

SO YOU'RE GONNA BE
RIGHT AFTER THE VENTRILOQUIST,

AND THAT'S RIGHT AFTER
THE 20-MINUTE INTERMISSION.

- YOU GUYS HAVE A--
- SO STOKED TO HAVE YOU HERE.

- RIGHT. RIGHT.

- ARE YOU MOUTHING
ALONG WITH ME, SANDY?

[high-pitched voice]
YES, I AM.

YOU KNOW, THERE I DIDN'T DO IT.

I DIDN'T DO IT THAT TIME,
JUST 'CAUSE...

[sighs]

I DIDN'T DO IT THAT TIME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I--
OOH.

I--'CAUSE YOU GUYS GET CONFUSED.

I KNOW HOW IT IS.
YOU'RE--

[high-pitched voice]
LET ME SPEAK. LET ME SPEAK.

YOU KNOW?

SO SOMETIMES WHAT I DO

IS I DON'T MOUTH FULLY ALONG
WHEN SHE'S TALKING.

- ALL RIGHT. THAT WAS GOOD.

CANDY AND SANDY.
- OH.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

I JUST WANTED TO FINISH UP
REAL QUICK.

I JUST WANTED TO FINISH UP.

THANK YOU, GUYS!
- THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

UH, NOW, UH,
COMING TO THE STAGE,

VERY FUNNY,
TOM MCCAFFREY, EVERYBODY.

- WHOO!

[light applause]

- THERE--YOU GO THROUGH PHASES

OR EVEN AFTER BAD SHOWS
WHERE YOU'RE JUST LIKE,

UGH, YOU KNOW, LIKE,
THERE'S LEVELS OF FRUSTRATION

OR, YOU KNOW, WONDERING, LIKE,
"CAN I DO THIS?"

OR, "DO I WANT TO DO THIS?"

- YOU GOT TO PAY IN BLOOD
AND, LIKE, SWEAT AND TEARS,

AND YOU GOT TO LOSE
A LOT OF FRIENDSHIPS.

PEOPLE LOSE MARRIAGES, PEOPLE--

I'VE SEEN COMICS
LOSE THEIR MIND, MAN.

I'VE SEEN PEOPLE GO OFF
AND NEVER COME BACK.

IT'S--THE STAKES GET HIGH.

- THIS IS WHAT I REALIZED:

I REALIZED
THAT ENTERTAINMENT SUCKS.

I--I THOUGHT THAT--I THINK IT'S
JUST LABELED "ENTERTAINMENT"

FOR, YOU KNOW, SHOWBIZ,
BUT IT REALLY IS THE BUSINESS.

IT--IT'S REALLY MORE
THE BUSINESS THAN THE SHOW.

THE SHOW IS JUST 10%.

THE BUSINESS IS THE PART

THAT WE HAVE TO LEARN
HOW TO GET.

IT'S THAT--IT'S THAT--IT'S THAT
CUTTHROAT SHIT THAT'S GOING ON.

- I WOULD LOVE--
I WOULD LOVE IT IF I WAS--

IF I WAS ABLE TO GO BACK IN
AND HAVE LUCK AGAIN.

- RIGHT.

- I WOULD--I WOULD
BE REALLY HAPPY ABOUT THAT,

BECAUSE IT'S VERY DIFFICULT
WHEN IT GOES AWAY.

IT--IT'S JUST--IT'S JUST HARD,
AND LIKE I SAID, IF--

WHEN YOU LOSE ACCESS
TO OPPORTUNITY,

IT'S--IT'S PAINFUL.

I MEAN, HONESTLY, I CAN ONLY--
I CAN ONLY SPEAK FOR ME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW OTHER--
- RIGHT.

- BUT IT'S VERY PAINFUL
TO WATCH PROJECTS GO BY

THAT YOU WOULD LOVE
TO PARTICIPATE IN,

AND IT'S PAINFUL TO WATCH PEOPLE

THAT YOU'VE WORKED WITH A BUNCH
AND THAT ARE YOUR FRIENDS...

- RIGHT.
- MOVING ON WITHOUT YOU.

- YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T GO--I--
I WAS AWAY FOR ABOUT, YOU KNOW,

A LITTLE OVER A YEAR,
AND IT'S JUST--

PEOPLE KIND OF FORGET ABOUT YOU
REALLY FAST.

AND, UH, YEAH, IT KIND OF SUCKS.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE STARTING OVER
AGAIN, BUT...

I GUESS
THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT TO DO.

I MEAN, YOU CAN TELL, LIKE,
WHEN I SEE PEOPLE--

LIKE RELATIVES AND STUFF--NOW,
YOU CAN JUST SEE ON THEIR FACE,

THEY'RE KIND OF, LIKE--
LIKE, IT'S WEIRD.

I'LL TELL THEM I'M A STAND-UP,
AND BECAUSE I'M OLDER NOW,

THEY ALMOST LOOK AT ME
LIKE I JUST TOLD THEM, YOU KNOW,

I'M A BREAK-DANCER
OR SOMETHING

OR, LIKE, A FUCKING PIRATE.

I'M HAVING A WEIRD WEEK.

I WENT TO GO SEE THE--
THE NEW TYLER PERRY MOVIE

IN HARLEM THE OTHER DAY,

AND I WAS ACTUALLY THROWN OUT
OF THE THEATER FOR NOT TALKING.

[laughter]

- WHAT'S MY WORST EXPERIENCE
I EVER HAD?

THE ENTIRE FIRST EIGHT YEARS
OF MY DOING COMEDY, I WOULD SAY.

- I DID ONE SHOW,

WHICH WAS, UM...

IT WAS CALLED, UH,
NEW JACK COMEDY

ON 125TH STREET.

THIS IS BEFORE, LIKE, HARLEM--
EVERYONE MOVED UP THERE.

ALL AFRICAN-AMERICAN AUDIENCE,
AND THE GUY WAS LIKE, UH,

THE EMCEE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
OUR NEXT PERFORMER--

NEXT COMEDIAN--IS A WHITE GUY."

"BOO!"

AND HE SAID, HE GOES,
"AND HE'S A REAL WHITE GUY.

THIS GUY IS REALLY WHITE."

LIKE, DOUBLE "BOO."

- HEY.
- HEY, I'M TOM.

- THANKS FOR DOING THE SHOW.

- NO PROBLEM.
- HERE'S YOUR TICKET.

- OH, IS THIS, UH, FOR, LIKE,
A DRINK OR SOMETHING?

- NO, IT GETS YOU, ACTUALLY,

A DOLLAR OFF CEREAL
IN THE KITCHEN.

- OH.
YOU GUYS SERVE CEREAL HERE?

- HELL YEAH!
[laughing]

- SO WHAT--THIS IS--
THIS IS YOUR APARTMENT?

- THIS IS OUR CLUB, YEAH.
- THIS IS YOUR APARTMENT?

- OH, YEAH.

WE FIGURED, WHAT DO PEOPLE LIKE
MORE THAN ANYTHING

IN THE WORLD?

COMEDY AND APARTMENTS.

AND WE COULDN'T GET PASSES
AT ANY OTHER CLUBS, SO--

- HEY, MAN.
WHAT'S UP? KING ACE.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- KING ACE.
- OH, HI.

- THANKS FOR DOING THE SHOW.
- THAT WAS MY DAD'S NAME.

- OH, YEAH, REALLY? OH.
- NO, JUST KIDDING. THAT'S NOT.

THIS IS--WHERE DOES
THE PERFORMANCE HAPPEN?

LIKE, IS THIS--

- WELL, THERE'S THE STAGE,
YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE ANY OTHER CLUB.
- RIGHT.

EXCEPT NOT.
- YOU GOT SEATS.

YOU GOT MICS.

- YEAH.
- WE GOT LIGHTS.

- NOW, BEING THAT IT'S EAR--
IT'S 4:30...

- YEAH.

- PEOPLE CAN GET
KIND OF ROWDY...

- REALLY?

- SO DON'T ENCOURAGE IT.

- DO PEOPLE COME?

- WE USUALLY CANCEL UP
TO THREE SHOWS A NIGHT.

- RIGHT.
- SOMETIMES FOUR ON WEEKENDS.

WE HAVE ONE RSVP
FOR THIS SHOW.

- OKAY.

- IT'S GONNA BE
THE THREE OF US.

WE HAVE AN EMAIL IN
TO GAFFIGAN.

- JIM GAFFIGAN'S DOING
THE SHOW?

- NO.

- NO, JAKE,
JAKE GAFFIGAN.

HE WORKS AT THE DUANE READE
RIGHT DOWN THE STAIRS.

- I GET CEREAL
IN THE KITCHEN OR SOMETHING?

- YEAH, DIDN'T I--
I GIVE YOU YOUR TICKET?

- YEAH, YEAH, YOU DID.

- YOU HAVE TO HAVE
THE TICKET TO GET IT.

- YEAH, YEAH.
- THIS IS A BRINGER SHOW.

- OH, IT IS?

- YEAH, BRING YOUR OWN SPOON.

- [chuckles]

- RIGHT, RIGHT,
FOR THE CEREAL?

- DON'T STEAL THAT,
YOU KNOW?

- I WILL NOT STEAL THAT.

- GUYS, WE SHOULD REALLY TRY
TO START TO GET READY, I THINK.

- FOR THE SHOW?
- YEAH.

- BUT NO ONE'S HERE.

- NO, WELL, THE GREEN ROOM
WILL BE READY

IN, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES,

AS SOON AS MY UNCLE
GETS OUT OF THE SHOWER.

- OH, OKAY.

YOUR--YOUR UNCLE'S
IN THE SHOWER?

- GUYS, WE SHOULD--
- WELL, HE'S IN THE GREEN ROOM.

- WHAT?
HE'S IN THE GREEN ROOM?

ALL RIGHT, I'M NOT GONNA--

I THINK I'M GONNA GO GET
SOME CEREAL.

SO CAN I HAVE A CEREAL?

- NO.

- AND THE HARDEST THING
ABOUT BEING 400 POUNDS IS,

YOU'RE NEVER NOT
AT WENDY'S.

THANK YOU,
THAT WAS A FACEBOOK STATUS

BY RALPHIE MAY.

- YEAH, I USED TO DATE
THIS GIRL.

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN A MODEL.

YEAH, SHE WAS THAT STUPID.

SO, YOU GUYS, THIS HAPPENED
TO ME THE OTHER DAY.

YOU EVER GET SO DRUNK
THAT YOU CAN'T FIND YOUR CAR?

- YEAH.

- YEAH, REALLY?

SEE, THIS GIRL KNOWS
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

- AND THAT'S WHY,
WHEN IT'S COLD ENOUGH OUTSIDE,

EVERY JACKET IS A LIFE JACKET.

THANKS, EVERYBODY.

PICK UP MY NEW ALBUM
"ACE HOLE."

COMES OUT, I THINK,
IN A YEAR.

- HEY, HEY, ALL RIGHT.
HEY, NOW.

- HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.
GREAT SHOW.

- OH, THANK YOU.

- I'M THINKING
OF DOING STAND-UP TOO.

- GOOD LUCK.
KEEP WRITING.

HAVE YOU BEEN WRITING?

I WROTE FOR THREE YEARS
BEFORE I EVEN GOT ONSTAGE.

YOU--I MEAN, YOU COULD TAKE
AN IMPROV CLASS,

BUT I DON'T THINK
THAT'S GONNA GET YOU ANYWHERE.

- YOU GOT ANY GOOD GIGS
COMING UP?

- YEAH, I'M OPENING
FOR MIKE TILLY

AT CHUCKLE FARTS.

- WHO'S MIKE TILLY AGAIN?
- THE TILL MAN?

HE ROCKS THIS CLUB.
- OH.

- IT'S IN THE BACK
OF A TACO BELL

ON STATEN ISLAND.

- YEAH.
- HAS HE EVER BEEN ON TV?

- HE DID A SPOT
ON CARSON DALY IN '96.

CRUSHED.

- OH, NOW I REMEMBER HIM.

- PAYS THREE CHALUPAS
AND UNLIMITED HOT SAUCE.

YOU WANT TO COME?

- YEAH, HOW'D YOU GET
THAT GIG?

- I RESPONDED
TO SOME SCRATCHITI

ON THE INSIDE
OF A PORTA-POTTY.

- AH.

I GOT TO RESPOND
TO MORE SCRATCHITI.

- WHAT IS SCRATCHITI?

- IT'S GRAFFITI
WITH KEYS.

- HEY, I GOT
SOME GOOD GIGS COMING UP.

I'M DOING THE COMEDY DUMP
NEXT TUESDAY.

4:00 P.M. SHOW,
DOING A TIGHT THREE.

GOT TO BRING SIX PEOPLE,

DRINK EIGHT DRINKS,

NO PETS,
NO CHAIRS.

- THAT'S AWESOME.

WHAT BITS ARE YOU GONNA DO?

- I WAS THINKING ABOUT OPENING
WITH SPONGEBOB SQUAREBALLS.

- YOU JUST DID MY JOKE UP THERE

I JUST DID, LIKE,
FIVE MINUTES BEFORE YOU.

- WHAT JOKE?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT JOKE?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER WHAT JOKE?

- NO, I DIDN'T EVEN SEE
YOUR SET.

- I DO A JOKE
ABOUT MASTURBATING,

AND THEN YOU DO A JOKE
ABOUT MASTURBATING?

MINE IS ABOUT MASTURBATING
IN THE BATHTUB,

AND YOU DON'T THINK IT'S WEIRD

THAT THEN YOU GO UP,
LIKE, FIVE MINUTES LATER

AND DO A JOKE ABOUT MASTURBATING
IN THE SHOWER?

- LOOK, DUDE, I'VE NEVER EVEN
SEEN YOU DO STAND-UP.

- NO, THAT'S BULLSHIT.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

THE ODDS OF THIS HAPPENING
ARE, LIKE, ONE IN A BILLION.

- JERKING OFF IS
A UNIVERSAL TOPIC, IDIOT.

- BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER,

BECAUSE HOW COULD YOU
HAVE THOUGHT OF IT?

YOU WERE STANDING THERE.

- WELL, HOW DOES YOUR JOKE GO?

- MY JOKE?
- YEAH.

KNOCK, KNOCK?

- NO, IT'S NOT KNOCK, KNOCK.

IT'S COCK-COCK
IN YOUR MOTHER'S TUSHY.

WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER JOKE
THAT YOU DO ABOUT PORN

WHICH IS EXACTLY LIKE
MY REALLY GOOD FRIEND'S JOKE?

- WHO--WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- WHO'S MY FRIEND?

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW
WHO MY FRIEND IS.

TURKEY BALLS--
HE WAS ON FIRST IN THE SHOW.

HE DID THE SAME JOKE,
AND THEN YOU GO ON--

- WHY WOULD I STEAL A JOKE
FROM A GUY NAMED TURKEY BALLS?

- WHO CARES? JUST GO HOME.
NO, I DIDN'T STOP YOU.

- WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME?

- I'M GOING TO HEADLINE A SHOW
AT A LAUNDROMAT,

ALL RIGHT, LOSER?

- I STARTED A NEW
TWITTER ACCOUNT UNDER AN ALIAS.

- OH, WHAT IS IT?

- I HAVE 80 FOLLOWERS
RIGHT NOW,

AND I HAVE 20 MORE,

I'M GONNA MOVE TO L.A.
AND WRITE A BOOK.

- WHAT'S--WHAT'S THE BOOK
GONNA BE?

-MOM DUMPS.

IT'S A COFFEE TABLE BOOK.

PICTURES OF MOMS TAKING DUMPS.

- SAW A COMMERCIAL FOR THIS PILL
TO TREAT PMS.

AND AT THE END
OF THE COMMERCIAL, THEY'RE LIKE,

"SIDE EFFECTS
INCLUDE STOMACH PAINS,

NAUSEA,
AND IRRITABILITY."

[laughter]

I WAS LIKE,
THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE PMS AGAIN.

LIKE, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU CAN'T COME OUT
WITH A PILL TO TREAT SOMETHING,

AND THEN THE SIDE EFFECTS
ARE JUST THE EXACT THING AGAIN.

RIGHT, THAT'S LIKE IF THEY CAME
OUT WITH A PILL TO TREAT HERPES,

AND IT WAS LIKE, SIDE EFFECTS
INCLUDE SUPER HERPES.

[laughter]

- SOME OF THEM ARE PAID,

BUT, YOU KNOW, LIKE,
YOU'LL DO A SHOW,

AND THEY'LL PAY, LIKE, $35.

AND, I MEAN, FINE,
BUT, YOU KNOW,

YOU CAN'T LIVE ON $35.

- A LOT OF THE CLUBS
WOULD KIND OF COME AT YOU

WITH THIS ATTITUDE
THAT THE CLUBS ARE YOUR COLLEGE,

THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY
TO BE SEEN AND HONE YOUR CRAFT.

AND IT'S LIKE, WELL,
SOMEONE'S MAKING

A LOT OF MONEY
WHILE WE GO TO COLLEGE.

AND HOW MANY YEARS
ARE WE GONNA BE IN COLLEGE FOR?

I'VE DONE THREE
OR FOUR LETTERMAN SETS.

WHEN DO I GRADUATE?
- YEAH, YEAH.

- YOU KNOW, SO IT'S LIKE,
NOT EVERYONE'S

GONNA WIN THE LOTTERY TICKET

OF THE SEINFELD,
YOU KNOW, PATH

OR RAY ROMANO.

AND THAT'S GREAT,
YOU KNOW,

BUT THAT'S NOT REALISTIC
FOR EVERYONE.

- TOM WAS OUR NANNY
FOR YEARS

WHEN WE HAD
OUR TWO DAUGHTERS.

SO EVEN THOUGH OUR CHILDREN
ARE BOTH GETTING READY

TO GO TO COLLEGE
OR IN COLLEGE,

WE'VE PRETTY MUCH KEPT TOM
AS OUR NANNY,

BECAUSE--
BECAUSE WE HAVE TO.

HE NEEDS US TO.

AND HE WOULD LOVE
FOR US TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY.

HE'S ACTUALLY
BEEN ENCOURAGING IT

SO THAT HE CAN REMAIN OUR NANNY.

I CAUGHT--
THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM,

I CAUGHT HIM POKING HOLES

IN MY HUSBAND'S CONDOMS.

- I'M BACK.

- OH, YEAH.

- HE'S BACK.
- WHOO!

YEAH!

COMEDY, BABY.

- I REMEMBER--
I REMEMBER ONE TIME

I WAS AUDITIONING FOR A CLUB--
I'M NOT GONNA MENTION THE CLUB

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO EMBARRASS THEM--

BUT I WAS AUDITIONING
FOR A CLUB IN NEW YORK,

AND I DID, LIKE,
A FIVE-MINUTE SET,

AND I DID REALLY GOOD.

IT WAS A GOOD SET,
I THOUGHT.

AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE,
CROWD-WISE,

IT TURN--IT WAS A GOOD--
GOOD REACTION.

AND AFTER IT,
THEY JUST SAID,

"AH, MAN, YOU'RE TOO GREEN.

I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T LIKE IT."

AND SIX MONTHS LATER,

I AUDITIONED AGAIN,

AND I HAD
A LITTLE BIT MORE HEAT ON ME,

AND I DID THE EXACT SAME SET
TO AUDITION WITH,

AND THEY WERE LIKE,
"THAT WAS AMAZING."

CLEARLY THE GUY WAS NOTORIOUS

FOR NOT EVEN WATCHING PEOPLE
THAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO PASS.

SO IT WAS, LIKE,
A KIND OF A THING WHERE--

IT WAS A LESSON
IN EITHER THEY WANT YOU

OR THEY DON'T
A LOT OF TIMES.

THEY'RE NOT REALLY
PAYING ATTENTION

AND REALLY SEEING WHAT
THEY CAN GET OUT OF SOMEONE.

THEY JUST WANT TO FOLLOW
SOMEBODY THAT'S GOT HEAT.

- THIS IS A GREAT TIME.
THERE'S HEAT.

- THERE'S HEAT?
- THERE'S BUZZ.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES
A DAY

I PICK UP THIS PHONE,

AND IT'S LIKE, "TOM MCCAFFREY,
TOM MCCAFFREY"?

NONE.
HERE'S WHAT--

- I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW ANYONE
IN, LIKE, THE BUSINESS?

- DO YOU KNOW
THE MONTREAL COMEDY FESTIVAL?

- YEAH.

- HOW ABOUT
THE ONTARIO IMPROV FESTIVAL?

- NO, WHAT--
I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THAT.

- WELL, EVERYONE WILL SOON.

ONCE YOU DO IT.

- EVERYONE'S GONNA KNOW ABOUT IT
WHEN I DO IT?

I DON'T EVEN DO IMPROV.

- YOU DON'T?

- NO. I DO STAND-UP.
- NAME A COLOR.

NAME A COLOR.
- BLUE.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU DON'T--YOU DON'T DO IMPROV.

- MONTREAL, YEAH,
LIKE, 20 YEARS AGO

WAS, LIKE,
THE ONLY COMEDY FESTIVAL,

AND THAT WAS THE ONLY CHANCE

THAT INDUSTRY HAD TO SEE YOU
IF YOU WERE A NOBODY.

- OH, I JUST GOT IN THE MONTREAL
JUST FOR LAUGHS COMEDY FESTIVAL.

PRAISE THE LORD.

- GET TO
THE MONTREAL COMEDY FESTIVAL,

GET SEEN
AT THE MONTREAL COMEDY FESTIVAL,

AND THE MONEY WAS FLOWING
LIKE WATER FOR STAND-UPS.

AND I THINK THAT WAS DUE
TO THE FACT

OF SUCCESS OF TIM ALLEN

AND BRETT BUTLER
AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THE CHANGE.

I MEAN, IT'S HAPPENED
WITH THE CHICKEN.

THERE WAS SOME GUY
NAMED THE CHICKEN

AT MONTREAL COMEDY FESTIVAL,

HIS BIG THING WAS FUCKING
THE STOOL

TO THE WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE.

AND--AND HE GOT, LIKE,
$1/2 MILLION.

OH, HE KILLED HIMSELF,
LIKE, A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

- OH, HE DID?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SO IT WAS--

- DID HE JUST NOT GO ANY--

- HE DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE.

- LISTEN, I GOT
TO GO DO A THING.

I GOT TO TALK TO TOOTIE
FROM FACTS OF LIFE.

- TOOTIE?
- IT WAS A BIG NIGHT FOR HER.

- WAIT, WHY?

IS SHE GETTING BACK
INTO ACTING?

- OH, NO, NO, NO, SHE'S
HEADLINING CAROLINES TONIGHT.

- SHE DOES STAND-UP?

- OH, SHE DOESN'T DO STAND-UP,
MAN.

SHE DOES THIS 40-MINUTE STORY

ABOUT HOW NATALIE
ONCE PUSSY FARTED

ON THE SET OF FACTS OF LIFE.

BLOW YOU AWAY.

- THAT'S A--
- BLOW YOU AWAY.

- THAT STORY TAKES 40 MINUTES
TO TELL?

- I MEAN,
THERE'S A LOT OF BUILDUP.

- LIKE, WHAT ARE
SOME OF THE THINGS SHE SAYS

IN THE STORY?

- SHE TALKS
ABOUT WHAT NATALIE ATE THAT DAY.

SHE DID YOGA EARLIER
IN THE DAY.

YOU CAN'T OPEN FOR HER.

THIS GUY TURKEY BALLS
IS OPENING FOR HER.

- WHO'S TURKEY BALLS?

- YOU DON'T KNOW TURKEY BALLS?

- NO.

- TURKEY BALLS IS INSANE.

HE TELLS
THESE REALLY HEADY JOKES

ABOUT HOW HIS BALLS
LOOK LIKE TURKEYS.

IT'LL BLOW YOU AWAY.

- IF YOU HAD TO COMPARE
HIS STYLE

TO ANOTHER COMEDIAN--

- SEINFELD.

- OKAY, HE'S LIKE SEINFELD?

- HE'S KIND OF LIKE SEINFELD

IF SEINFELD HAD BALLS
THAT LOOKED LIKE TURKEYS.

YOU KNOW,
SEINFELD IS PROLIFIC.

TURKEY BALLS IS PROLIFIC.

THEY'RE BOTH VERY SMART.
- BUT WHAT DOES HE--

YOU JUST SAID ALL HE DOES
IS TELL JOKES

ABOUT HOW HIS BALLS
LOOK LIKE TURKEYS.

- YEAH.
- HOW IS THAT PROLIFIC?

- IF YOU HAD BALLS
THAT LOOKED LIKE TURKEYS,

YOU WOULDN'T JOKE
ABOUT THAT?

WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING?
WHAT WOULD YOU JOKE ABOUT--

- I DON'T THINK I'D WANT PEOPLE
TO KNOW THAT.

I WOULD KIND OF JUST KEEP THAT
TO MYSELF.

- YEAH, WE'RE DEVELOPING
A SHOW ABOUT HIM, ACTUALLY.

IT'S CALLED TURKEY BALLS,
AND IT'S ABOUT HIS BALLS--

- WELL, WHAT HAPPENS
IN THE--

- I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT THE WRITER.

- WELL, CAN I BE ON IT?

- YOU CAN'T BE ON IT,
ALL RIGHT?

IT WAS JUST BOOKED UP.

I TRIED TO GET YOU ON.

THEY TOOK THE GUY
WHO SHOT REAGAN INSTEAD.

- I DON'T--HOW IS THAT GUY
GONNA BE ON A SHOW?

- THEY'RE SETTING UP
A GREEN SCREEN BEHIND HIM.

HE'S HUGE NOW, MAN.
- IS HE GOOD AT ACTING?

- EVERYONE'S CALLING ME
ABOUT HIM.

- IS HE A REALLY GOOD ACTOR?

- NO, HE'S A TERRIBLE ACTOR,
BUT HE'S GREAT.

- WHEN IT COMES DOWN
TO YOUR MATERIAL

AND YOUR STAND-UP AND...

IT'S NOT TO SAY
THAT, YOU KNOW,

AGENTS AND MANAGERS
ARE NOT IMPORTANT.

BUT IT REALLY COMES DOWN
TO THE CONTENT, RIGHT?

- OH, HEY.

- HOW'S IT GOING?

- GOOD, MAN.

SO YOU'RE TIM MCELROY?

- NO, NO,
I'M TOM MCCAFFREY.

- OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

SO FIRST OFF, JIM,

WHAT KILLED YOUR SET FOR ME
RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE...

- YEAH.
- WAS, YOU THANKED THE HOST.

YOU NEVER THANK THE HOST.

THAT'S COMEDY RULE
NUMBER ONE.

- WHY NOT?

- I MEAN, IT'S A COMEDY SHOW,

NOT A "THANK THE HOST" SHOW.

I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT HOSTING
THE OSCARS.

- RIGHT.

DOES THE HOST OF THE OSCARS
THANK PEOPLE A LOT?

- YEAH, IT'S THE OSCARS.

HE THANKS PEOPLE ALL NIGHT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GENERALLY
THE WINNERS

OF THE OSCARS
THAT THANKED THE PEOPLE,

YOU KNOW, LIKE,
THEIR AGENTS.

I THOUGHT THE HOST--

- NO, NO, NO,
IT'S THE HOST.

- WELL, HE--WHY WOULD HE
THANK PEOPLE, THOUGH?

- 'CAUSE HE'S HOSTING
THE OSCARS.

YOU GOT HUGE LAUGHS,
YOU KNOW,

AND YOU DID GREAT,

AND PEOPLE LOVED
YOUR JOKES.

BUT I HAVE TO BE VERY HONEST
WITH YOU.

I DON'T PERSONALLY SEE
ANYTHING ABOUT YOU

THAT WOULD IN ANY WAY
BE INTERESTING

TO ANYONE IN THE WORLD.

- RIGHT.
- I MEAN, NO OFFENSE.

- NO OFFENSE? OH, YEAH,
WHY WOULD I BE OFFENDED?

- I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD.

STAND-UP'S NOT
ABOUT TELLING JOKES, OKAY?

IT'S ABOUT MAKING PEOPLE
LOOK IN THE MIRROR

AND SEE THEMSELVES
AND THINK,

WHO AM I?

THAT'S WHAT STAND-UP
IS ABOUT.

- THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT?
- YEAH, I MEAN--

- IT'S NOT ABOUT TELLING JOKES
TO PEOPLE?

- NO, NO.
I MEAN, MY DOG CAN DO THAT.

I--
- YOUR DOG CAN DO STAND-UP?

- YOU KNOW,
THE THING ABOUT YOU

IS THAT YOU'RE--
WELL, YOU'RE A WHITE GUY.

- YEAH.

- AND PRETTY MUCH
ACROSS THE BOARD,

NO WHITE GUYS EVER
REALLY MAKE IT IN COMEDY.

- THEY DON'T?

- NO.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT,
LIKE, ADAM SANDLER?

HE MADE IT.

- ADAM SANDLER?

FIRST OF ALL,

ADAM SANDLER IS NOT
THAT SUCCESSFUL.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT, LIKE--

NOT TO BE BELABOR THIS,
BUT, LIKE, GEORGE CARLIN?

HE WAS A WHITE GUY.
HE...

- GEORGE CARLIN?
- YEAH.

- GEORGE CARLIN IS DEAD.

I MEAN, IS THAT OUR DEFINITION
OF SUCCESS?

- I KNOW, I WAS REFERRING TO
MORE WHEN HE WAS, LIKE, ALIVE.

- GEORGE CARLIN WAS NOT
A VERY SUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN.

- SO WHO--
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,

WHO WOULD YOU CONSIDER
TO BE A SUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN?

- UH, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
MR. MAGOO,

THAT CARTOON CHARACTER,
WAS GREAT.

- WELL, YOU KNOW,
HE IS A WHITE GUY.

- WHITE CARTOON.

- THINKING THIS GUY
IS A PROFESSIONAL, RIGHT?

LIKE, HE MUST KNOW
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

THEN AFTER A WHILE,
LIKE, HE WAS VERY CONTROLLING.

AND I WAS LIKE--
IT TOOK THE FUN OUT OF IT.

- YOU NEED TO BE VULNERABLE
AND OPEN

AND HONEST AND RAW
AND WITTY

AND NOT WHITE
AND YOUNGER

AND TRAGIC AND HAPPY
AND SAD,

ALL AT ONCE.

- LIKE, WHO CAN DO THAT,
DO YOU THINK?

WHAT COMEDIANS?

- ADAM SANDLER
IS GREAT AT THAT.

GEORGE CARLIN
WAS EXCELLENT AT IT.

I KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE.

I DID STAND-UP FOR A WHILE.

- HOW LONG DID
YOU DO STAND-UP FOR?

- LIKE, THREE WEEKS.

- WHERE DID YOU GET UP?

- UH, MY FRIEND'S HOUSE MOSTLY.

- OH, YOUR FRIEND HAD, LIKE,
A COMEDY CLUB IN HIS HOUSE?

- NO, HE JUST HAD A HOUSE--

WHO WOULD HAVE A COMEDY CLUB
IN THEIR--

MY FRIEND HAD A HOUSE.

I WOULD PERFORM
AT MY FRIEND'S HOUSE.

LIKE, WE'D RENT MOVIES,

AND I WOULD SAY FUNNY THINGS
AFTER THE MOVIES.

- OH.
- DURING THE MOVIES.

MY POINT IS THAT BEING FUNNY
JUST ISN'T ENOUGH ANYMORE.

I MEAN, THIS ISN'T THE '80s.

YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE GONNA NEED A HOOK.

- CRITICISM HURTS ME TERRIBLY.

I DON'T HAVE A THICK SKIN
ABOUT IT.

IT DOESN'T ROLL
RIGHT OFF MY BACK.

YOU KNOW, I WOULD PREFER
TO BE WELL-LIKED.

- THAT DRINK IS NOT FREE.

- OH, REALLY?

THEY TOLD ME
I GOT A FREE DRINK.

- NO.

- I DON'T?
- IT'S $12.

- IT'S $12?
- YEAH.

- OKAY, I GUESS--
- SO...

- OH, I HAVE TO GIVE YOU
THE $12?

- YEAH.

- YOU KNOW,
THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY

IS A LOT OF
"COME HERE, COME HERE.

COME HERE, COME HERE,
COME HERE."

- PEOPLE ONLY LOOK
AT THE NEGATIVE COMMENTS

BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT
AGREE WITH YOU ON THE INSIDE.

LIKE, THAT'S HOW I FEEL
ABOUT ME TOO,

THAT I'M WORTHLESS,
I'M SHITTY.

SO WHEN THOSE PEOPLE SAY I'M
WORTHLESS, I'LL BE LIKE, YEAH.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, NO,
YOU'RE GREAT, YOU'RE AMAZING,

YOU'RE LIKE, NAH,
YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,
BUT THAT GUY KNOWS.

- I GOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU, BUDDY.

- WHAT IS IT?

- I HAVE AN UNCONFIRMED MEETING

WITH A MUSIC TELEVISION STATION.

I DON'T WANT
TO SAY WHICH ONE.

[coughs] VH1.
- YEAH?

- 'CAUSE THEY'RE LOOKING
FOR PITCHES

FOR SPIN-OFF SHOWS RIGHT NOW...
- REALLY?

- OF THEIR CURRENT SHOWS.

- OKAY.

- GUESS WHO THE EXECUTIVE IS.

- I HAVE NO IDEA.
WHO IS IT?

- THE SON OF TOOTIE
FROM FACTS OF LIFE.

- THE SON OF TOOTIE
IS THE EXECUTIVE?

- HE'S THE EXECUTIVE THERE.

- WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU WANT TO MEET WITH HIM

OR GET HIS AUTOGRAPH...
- RIGHT, RIGHT.

- BECAUSE THAT'S EXCITING.

- WHY WOULD I WANT
HIS AUTOGRAPH?

- 'CAUSE HE'S THE SON
OF TOOTIE.

- WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- HIS NAME IS ALSO TOOTIE.

- SO SHE NAMED HIM
AFTER THE CHARACTER?

- NO, SHE NAMED HER KID
AFTER HER GREAT-GRANDFATHER,

WHO ALSO WAS NAMED TOOTIE.

IT WAS SPELLED DIFFERENTLY,
THOUGH.

IT WAS THE NUMBER 2
AN THEN THE LETTER T.

- WHAT IS THIS MEETING
GONNA DO FOR ME?

- I MEAN,
THEY'RE PRODUCING CONTENT

LIKE IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

THE NEXT PROJECT
THAT THEY'RE WORKING ON

IS ACTUALLY STARRING TOOTIE,

BEING PRODUCED BY MENUDO,

AND IT'S CALLED
TOOTIE CLEANS TOILETS.

TOOTIE'S GONNA GO
INTO SEVERAL HOMES,

START CLEANING TOILETS.

- IT'S BEING PRODUCED
BY MENUDO?

- MENUDO.
- THE GROUP?

- THE GROUP MENUDO.

I WAS LIKE, WHY HAS
THIS NOT HAPPENED SOONER?

- WHY WOULD MENUDO
WANT TO BE INVOLVED

IN A SHOW
ABOUT CLEANING PUBLIC TOILETS?

- [laughs]
WHY WOULDN'T THEY?

IT'S HOT RIGHT NOW, MAN.

- WHICH TOOTIE IS IN IT?

THE SON OR THE MOM?

- BOTH.

BOTH TOOTIES
ARE GONNA BE IN IT.

- WHAT'S THE NAME
OF THE SHOW?

- IT'S CALLED
TOOTIE CLEANS TOILETS,

AND I WAS LIKE,
"PERFECT NAME."

- THERE WAS AGAIN
THE TYPE OF ACCESS

THAT I USED TO HAVE
TO CERTAIN THINGS, AND I--

IT SEEMS ALMOST INCONCEIVABLE

TO AUDITION
FOR A STUDIO FILM NOW.

LIKE, IT'S--

I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE IT
HAPPENING ANYMORE

OR TO EVEN GET AN OFFER.

USED TO BE,
DURING THE LUCKY PERIOD,

IT WAS JUST OFFER ONLY.

IT'S GONE BACK NOW TO...

EVEN A LEVEL BELOW,
"SHE'S GOT TO AUDITION,"

BECAUSE IT'S
A "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER."

HOW MANY MOVIES CAN--

AND I LOVE PAUL RUDD,
BELIEVE ME.

I AM A HUGE PAUL RUDD FAN
AND HAVE BEEN FOR YEARS.

HOW MANY MOVIES CAN YOU DO?
- RIGHT, RIGHT.

- HOW MANY TIMES
CAN I SEE

THE SAME GROUP
OF FUNNY GUYS

IN A GROUP?

THE PROBLEM I HAVE IS THAT--

IS NOT THEIR FAULT.

IT'S THE CASTING DIRECTORS

AND DIRECTORS
AND PRODUCERS ABOVE THEM

WHO REFUSE TO ALLOW
THE POSSIBILITY.

AND I'M NOT EVEN TRYING
TO BE A MAIN PERSON IN A MOVIE.

I'M TELLING YOU,
I'M TALKING

ABOUT NUMBER 14
ON THE CALL SHEET.

IF YOU'RE--FOR THEM TO CALL--
- RIGHT, RIGHT.

- I DON'T EVEN CARE
IF IT'S THE ROLE

OF THE PIZZA DELIVERY PERSON.

- YOU'RE SORT OF PERFECT
FOR THIS SHOW.

- OH, REALLY?

- YEAH, YOU'RE, LIKE,
PERFECT FOR IT.

- OH, WOW.
GREAT, GREAT, SO...

- I DON'T REALLY HAVE
ANY SAY,

YOU KNOW, IN THE LAST WORD...
- OH, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY SAY?

- BUT I DON'T--

BUT I'LL DEFINITELY
BE PUSHING YOU HARD FOR THIS.

- OH, OKAY.
HOW DOES IT WORK?

SHOULD I FOLLOW UP OR--

- YEAH, I, LIKE--
I SHOW THEM ALL THE TAPES,

SO DEFINITELY FOLLOW UP.

- OH, LIKE,
'CAUSE YOU TAPED THE SHOW?

- WELL, OKAY, SO...
- YEAH.

- THE CAMERA BATTERY,

WHEN YOU GOT ONSTAGE,
KIND OF WENT OUT,

SO I DIDN'T REALLY GET
TO TAPE YOU, BUT...

- OH, OKAY.
THE CAMERA BATTERY DIED?

- YEAH, I DIDN'T PUT
THE CAMERA IN MY BAG

BECAUSE I WAS FIDDLING
WITH MY...

WELL, MY CAT'S DYING.

- SO YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE
THE CAMERA?

- SO I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE
THE CAMERA.

- OH, SO IT WASN'T CHARGED...
- SO WASN'T ABLE TO TAPE YOU.

- AND IT'S NOT HERE.

YEAH, SO YOU--

- ANYWAY...

- BUT HOW--
SO HOW WILL THEY KNOW--

- SO I CAUGHT--

YOU KNOW, THE LAST BIT
I SAW WAS--

YOU NAILED THAT SHIT HARD.
- THE LAST BIT OF MY SET?

- THE LAST BIT I SAW.
- HOW MUCH--YOU DIDN'T SEE IT?

- YEAH, I SAW, LIKE,
THE LAST TEN SECONDS,

AND YOU WERE AMA--
YOU NAILED IT.

- RIGHT.

- YOU NAILED IT.
YOU'RE SOLID.

- THE LAST TEN SECONDS?
- YOU'RE SO SOLID.

YEAH, THE LAST TEN SECONDS
WHEN YOU WERE LIKE...

- WHAT DID YOU LIKE
ABOUT WHAT I DID?

- "HEY, I'M TOM MCCAFFREY.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT."

- YEAH.

- LIKE, YOU'RE SO--
IT'S NOT PUSHY.

AND YOU DIDN'T FALL,
WHICH IS A PLUS,

WHEN YOU LEFT THE STAGE, SO
I'M DEFINITELY GONNA MENTION--

- YEAH, I'VE BEEN
WORKING ON THAT.

YOU'RE GONNA MENTION
THAT I DIDN'T FALL?

- I'M GONNA MENTION THAT I--
I DIDN'T SEE YOUR SET,

BUT I DID SEE THE LAST SECOND
WHERE YOU DID NOT FALL.

- SO THIS WOULD BE A SHOW THAT
WOULD BE A LOT LOWER BUDGET,

A LOT SIMPLER,

WOULDN'T COST YOU GUYS
A LOT OF MONEY.

BE, LIKE, A FUNNY SHOW

ABOUT POP CULTURE AND, LIKE,
PEOPLE AND POP CULTURE

AND TALKING
ABOUT HOW STUPID THEY ARE.

- YEAH, THEY'RE STUPID.

- 'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW,
LIKE, CELEBRITIES

CAN BE DUMB AND STUFF?
- [laughing] YES, YES, YES.

- OR, LIKE, OH, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
AMANDA BYNES FARTED, YOU KNOW?

- [laughs]
- OR YOU KNOW HOW, LIKE, SEAN--

- SHE FARTED!

- YEAH, YOU KNOW HOW SEAN
CONNERY'S, LIKE, GETTING OLD?

- OH, MY GOD, YES.

- YOU KNOW HOW CELEBRITIES
GET OLD?

- YES.
- IT'S LIKE, LOOK AT THEM.

WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO OLD?
THAT'S STUPID.

- I LOVE THAT,
BECAUSE LOOK AT HOW--

LIKE, HOW KIM KARDASHIAN'S
FAT NOW.

- YEAH, SHE'S FATTER.

- YEAH, OR LOOK, LIKE, HOW
LINDSAY LOHAN LOOKS LIKE SHIT.

- HONESTLY--
I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU.

- OKAY, GREAT.
- SORRY.

I THINK YOU'RE TOO OLD
FOR THIS SHOW.

- HOW OLD IS THE AGE RANGE?

- LIKE, YOU KNOW,
20-YEAR-OLDS

THAT LOOK LIKE THEY'RE 14.

YOU KNOW?
- OKAY, YEAH.

- OR 14-YEAR-OLDS--
NO.

- 14-YEAR-OLDS THAT LOOK
LIKE THEY'RE 9?

- YEAH.
[laughs]

- RIGHT?
- THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

- [laughing]
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, TOTALLY.

SO YOU MIGHT BE
INTO THAT, RIGHT?

- UH, YEAH.
WHO ARE WE GONNA GET TO HOST?

- WELL, I WOULD HOST IT.
I WOULD BE THE HOST.

- OH.

[imitates brakes squealing,
crash]

ON THE BRAKES THERE.

HERE'S WHAT MY THINKING IS--

THAT WE GET SOMEONE ELSE
TO HOST.

YOU KNOW, JUST SOMEONE
THAT'S NOT YOU.

IF YOU CAN GET DANIEL TOSH,
THAT'D BE GREAT.

EVEN BETTER
IS IF YOU GOT ADRIEN BRODY.

HE'S AMAZING.
- RIGHT.

- AND I'M THINKING THAT
THIS SHOW IDEA WORKS BEST

WHEN IT'S, YOU KNOW,
DANIEL TOSH,

ADRIEN BRODY,
NOT YOU AT ALL.

THAT'S AN AMAZING SHOW.

- YOU'RE JUST TOO OLD
FOR IT, DUDE.

- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- LET'S NOT PUSH YOU--

I MEAN, I WILL PUSH YOU,
BUT LET'S NOT PUSH--

- YOU'LL PUSH ME,
BUT I'M TOO OLD,

AND YOU DIDN'T SEE ME.
- YEAH.

- IT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE ACTUALLY I'VE GOT

A LOT OF NOTES ON OUR MEETING
AND IT'S--

- THOSE ARE YOUR NOTES?

- HMM?

- THAT'S JUST A--
THAT'S JUST A PICTURE OF A GUY.

- WELL, IT'S NOT JUST ANY GUY.

THAT'S ME AS AN ANGEL...

- THAT'S YOU--
- GETTING A BLOW JOB.

MY MEETING, OUR MEETING,
OUR MEETING.

WHERE WAS I WHEN I DREW THIS?

- RIGHT.

- I WAS HERE
TALKING TO TOM MCCAFFREY.

- SO THAT PICTURE
OF THE GIRL BLOWING THE GUY

WILL REMIND YOU
OF THE SHOW IDEAS I HAD?

- YEAH.

- ♪ COME ON, SHOW THEM
WHAT YOU'RE WORTH ♪

- THAT SONG.

- [humming Firework]

- YEAH, YEAH.

- I MEAN, YOU'RE A LITTLE OLD
FOR THAT SONG, BUT...

- TOM AND I ARE VERY DIFFERENT,

EVEN THOUGH
WE'RE BROTHER AND SISTER.

I HAVE A REAL JOB.

I'M VERY SUCCESSFUL.

I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY.

AND HE DOESN'T HAVE
ANY OF THESE THINGS.

BUT HE'S VERY,
VERY FUNNY.

- [making farting noises]

- OH, MAN.

- LOOK EVERYONE.
THIS IS MY DICK!

LOOK AT IT.

ONE THING THAT'S GOOD IS--

ABOUT BEING BACK IN THE SCENE
IS--THAT I MISS IS,

THERE'S, LIKE,
A CAMARADERIE

BETWEEN OTHER COMEDIANS.

- DO YOU GUYS HAVE
A LOST AND FOUND IN HERE?

- OH, FOR SURE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- OKAY, 'CAUSE I LOST
THIS SHIRT,

AND I'M REALLY PERPLEXED
AS TO WHAT HAPPENED TO IT.

IT'S, LIKE, A BLUE
AND WHITE FLANNEL SHIRT.

- I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS.
- OH, HEY, BABY.

- THANKS A LOT.
- OH, IS IT LIKE THIS BLUE?

- YEAH, IT'S KIND OF LIKE THAT.

- OH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, COOL.
- HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?

WHAT'S UP?
- WHAT'S UP, MAN?

- YOU DID YOUR SET TONIGHT?

- YEAH, I DID.
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT SHIRT?

- UM, I GOT IT AT, LIKE,
BANANA REPUBLIC,

I THINK, OR SOMETHING.
- WAIT.

- WHY?
WAIT, IS THIS LIKE A--

DO YOU WANT MY SHIRT?

- NO, I DON'T WANT YOUR SHIRT.

BUT YOU DON'T THINK IT'S WEIRD

THAT, LIKE, FIRST
YOU START STEALING MY JOKES,

AND THEN YOU START STEALING
MY CLOTHES?

YOU'RE WEARING MY SHIRT.

- HOW DID I STEAL YOUR CLOTHES?

- YOU'RE WEARING MY SHIRT.

TONIGHT YOU'RE WEARING
A YANKEES HAT.

YOU DON'T THINK
THAT'S WEIRD TOO?

YOU'RE WEARING MY SHIRT,

YOU STEAL MY CLOTHES,

YOU STEAL MY JOKES,

AND NOW YOU'RE STEALING
MY TEAM.

NOW YOU'RE DOING--

YOU JUST WANT
TO DRESS LIKE ME.

YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ME.
THE WAY I LOOKED ONSTAGE--

- I DON'T LOOK ANYTHING
LIKE YOU.

- YEAH, THREE DAYS AGO
BEFORE I LOST THIS SHIRT

AND BEFORE I CALLED THE COPS
AND STARTED THIS WHOLE THING,

THIS IS WHAT I LOOKED LIKE...
- RIGHT.

- AND NOW YOU'RE LOOKING
LIKE THIS.

- RIGHT. I REALLY DON'T
HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

- GOOD, GOOD, AND YOU'RE
NOT GONNA HAVE TIME ALSO

WHEN YOU'RE IN JAIL,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

- OH, I'M IN JAIL--
ARE YOU A LAWYER?

- YEAH, YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO.

BUT I AM FRIENDS
WITH A SHERIFF.

- IT'S A GOOD COMMUNITY.

PEOPLE REALLY--
THEY SUPPORT EACH OTHER.

THEY HELP EACH OTHER.

- MY EX-BOYFRIEND
HAS SMELLY BALLS.

I DON'T WANT TO NAME HIM
BY NAME OR ANYTHING,

BUT HIS NAME IS TOM MCCAFFREY.

[gasps]
OH, I MEAN, GOD, NO.

NOT TOM MCCAFFREY.
NOT TOM MCCAFFREY.

SO--SO HE HAS
REALLY SMELLY BALLS,

AND THEY'RE VERY HAIRY.

HE'S AN AWKWARD GUY.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU SEE HIM, AND, YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES HE WALKS IN,

AND HE'S WEARING
A LEATHER JACKET,

HE'S GOT A BACKWARDS HAT.

YOU KNOW,
HE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THAT GUY

WHO'S STANDING
IN THE BACK RIGHT NOW.

I ACTUALLY--
I DO THINK THAT THAT'S HIM.

HE WENT ON FIRST.

- I MEAN,
I UNDERSTAND SHE'S ANGRY,

BUT I THINK SHE WAS BEING
A LITTLE HARD ON ME.

SHE WAS SAYING MY BALLS SMELL,

BUT, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
BALLS, THEY'RE NOT--

THEY DON'T HAVE
A GOOD REP FOR SMELLING GOOD,

SO I DON'T REALLY KNOW
WHAT TO TELL HER.

I DON'T--IS SHE, LIKE,
HOOKING UP WITH DUDES

THAT HAVE, LIKE,
THESE AMAZING-SMELLING BALLS?

I DOUBT IT.

THEY PROBABLY--EVERY DUDE
SHE PROBABLY HOOKS UP WITH

HAS SMELLY BALLS.

IT'S JUST--

YOU KNOW, THE WORSE
THE BREAKUP WITH A GIRL IS,

THE SMELLIER YOUR BALLS GET
IN HER JOKES.

- VEGGIE CREAM CHEESE
ON BAGELS.

I CAN PUT LOX.

I CAN PUT LOX CREAM CHEESE.

JUST BUTTER.
I COULD JUST GO WITH BUTTER.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU WANT MORE?
I COULD DO--

- DUDE, I GOT TO GO.
I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

- HANG ON.
I'M ON A WORK THING.

BUTTER.
JUST PLAIN OLD BUTTER.

SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW,
YOU JUST GO TRADITIONAL.

WILL I TALK TO YOU SOON,
THOUGH?

OKAY, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU,
I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU,
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU,
I LOVE YOU.

- WAS THAT YOUR--
WAS THAT YOUR AUNT AGAIN?

- NO, THAT WASN'T MY AUNT.

THAT WAS ANT,
THE COMEDIAN ANT.

- OKAY.
- DOESN'T MATTER.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME.

YOU'RE NOT HERE
FOR ME, OKAY?

- ALL RIGHT.
- WE'RE HERE FOR YOU, BUDDY.

- YEAH, YOU CALLED ME IN--
- AND GUESS WHAT.

- WHAT? WHAT?
- I GOT YOU A TV SPOT.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

- YOU DID?
- YEAH.

- WHAT IS IT,
LIKE,LETTERMAN OR SOMETHING?

- BETTER.
- BETTER THAN LETTERMAN?

- BETTER THAN LETTER.
- WHAT IS IT?

THAN LETTER?

- REALITY SHOW.

- A REALITY SHOW?

- PICTURE THIS.
- WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

- PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ATTACKED
BY GHOSTS.

- OKAY.

WHAT'S THE NAME
OF THE SHOW?

-PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN ATTACKED
BY GHOSTS IS THE SHOW.

- OKAY, THAT'S A GOOD TITLE.

- YEAH, THANK YOU.

- OH, YOU CAME UP
WITH THE TITLE?

- I SUGGESTED IT.
- REALLY?

- YEAH, THEY ALREADY HAD
A WORKING TITLE.

- OH, WHAT WAS
THE WORKING TITLE?

- IT WAS JUST GHOSTS.

- OH, OKAY.
YEAH, YOU IMPROVED IT.

I...
- WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- I MEAN, I HAVEN'T
BEEN ATTACKED BY GHOSTS.

- YOU COULD COME UP
WITH A STORY.

YOU'RE A WRITER, RIGHT?
HERE'S SOME PAPER.

- A STORY ABOUT WHAT?

- WRITE A STORY
ABOUT A GHOST THAT ATTACKED YOU.

- BUT FIRST OF ALL,
I DON'T--

IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE
FOR GHOSTS TO ATTACK PEOPLE?

- IS IT POSSIBLE FOR GHOSTS
TO ATTACK PEOPLE?

- YES.
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- NO.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M EVEN FIELDING

THIS QUESTION RIGHT NOW.

- I DON'T THINK
THAT'S POSSIBLE.

- GHOSTS ARE OUT THERE.

THERE'S PROBABLY ONE
IN HERE RIGHT NOW.

THERE'S PROBABLY A GHOST
RIGHT HERE, IN HERE.

HEY, GHOST.

- JUST HANGING OUT?

- I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE.

- WHY WOULD A GHOST HANG OUT
IN YOUR FUCKING OFFICE?

- A WOMAN DIED IN HERE
LAST YEAR.

- REALLY?
- YES, ALL RIGHT, SHE DID.

- I'M SURE SHE JUST HANGS OUT
HERE THEN WHERE SHE DIED.

- DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS
OR NOT?

DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS SHOW?
- MAYBE.

BUT I JUST DON'T THINK
THAT THAT'S A POSSIBILITY,

THAT PEOPLE CAN GET ATTACKED
BY GHOSTS.

- IT'S ABSOLUTELY A POSSIBILITY.

HOW ABOUT YOU GO RENT
THE MOVIE GHOST

AND TELL ME
THAT PATRICK SWAYZE

DOESN'T ATTACK PEOPLE
IN THAT MOVIE?

- BUT THAT'S NOT
A REAL--

THAT'S NOT BASED ON REALITY.

- IT'S A REAL MOVIE.
- BUT IT'S NOT TRUE.

- IT WAS BASED
ON A DOCUMENTARY.

- THE MOVIE GHOST
IS BASED ON REALITY?

- BASED ON A BOOK.
A REAL BOOK.

- WHAT'S THE NAME
OF THE BOOK?

-GHOST IS BASED
ON A BOOK

THAT WAS CALLED ORDINARY PEOPLE.

IT CAME OUT IN THE '70s.

IT WAS MADE INTO A MOVIE.

- THE MOVIE--

THE MOVIE GHOST IS BASED
ON THE BOOK ORDINARY PEOPLE?

- YES.
- NO, IT'S NOT.

THEY MADE A MOVIE--

- TOM, LOOK, I DON'T HAVE TIME

TO GO OVER THE WHOLE
WIKIPEDIA PAGE OF GHOST HERE.

DO YOU WANT TO DO THE SHOW, OR
DO YOU NOT WANT TO DO THE SHOW?

- WHAT IS THE PAY?
WHAT IS THE PAY?

- THE PAY'S $20,
AND YOU GET YOUR CHOICE

OF A SANDWICH ON SET.

AND THEY ONLY HAVE TURKEY
RIGHT NOW.

- OKAY, WELL,
IS ANYONE ELSE ON IT

THAT'S, LIKE--
ANY NAMES ON IT?

- HUGE NAMES.
- WHO? WHO'S ON IT?

- HUGE NAMES.
- LIKE WHO?

- SCOTT HAMILTON.
REMEMBER THE FIGURE SKATER?

- NO, WHO'S THAT?
- OH, HE'S HUGE.

OKAY, NADIA COMANECI
IS IN IT.

REMEMBER THE GYMNAST?

- YEAH, NEITHER OF THEM--
ARE THEY EVEN IN SHOWBIZ?

- YEAH, THEY'RE GREAT.

THE GUY WHO STABBED
A BUNCH OF PEOPLE

IN 1985 ON THE SUBWAY.

- THAT--HE'S--
THAT GUY'S IN JAIL.

- HE'S OUT OF JAIL,
AND HE'S HOT RIGHT NOW.

AND THEY GOT THE GUY
WHO SHOT REAGAN.

HE'S IN IT.

HUGE THING YOU'RE INVOLVED IN.

DICK CLARK IS IN IT.

- DICK--
DICK CLARK IS DEAD.

- DICK CLARK
PLAYS A GHOST IN THIS.

HE--REMEMBER, IT'S ABOUT GHOSTS
ATTACKING PEOPLE.

- HOW DID THEY GET HIM?

- THEY CALLED HIS PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW,
THEY HAD A SEANCE.

THEY GOT HIM.

- WHAT'S THAT GONNA DO
FOR ME,

BEING ON A SHOW LIKE THIS?

- WHAT'S IT GONNA DO FOR YOU?

YOU DO A SHOW LIKE THAT,

ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU'RE IN MOVIES,

THEN YOU'RE STARRING
IN MOVIES,

THEN YOU'RE ARSENIO HALL.

ALL WORKING OUT FOR YOU.

- I'M--ARSENIO--I DON'T WANT
TO BE ARSENIO HALL.

- OF COURSE YOU WANT
TO BE ARSENIO HALL, MAN.

EVERYONE WANTS
TO BE ARSENIO HALL.

- BUT HE DOESN'T EVEN
DO MOVIES ANYMORE.

- HE DOES A TON OF MOVIES.

- WHAT MOVIES HAS HE DONE?
- HAVE YOU SEEN THE BUTLER?

- YES, I DID SEE THE BUTLER.
- WELL, I DIDN'T SEE IT.

- HE'S NOT IN THE BUTLER.
- I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE HE'S IN THE BUTLER.
MAYBE HE'S NOT.

THERE'S A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE
IN THE BUTLER.

- HE'S NOT IN THE BUTLER.
I SAW IT.

- SO DO YOU WANT
TO DO IT OR NOT?

- ALL RIGHT,
I GUESS I'LL DO IT.

- YOU'LL DO IT? OKAY.
- YEAH.

- [clears throat]

HE'LL DO IT.

OKAY.

- WHAT, SO ANT
IS BOOKING THE SHOW?

- NO, NO, NO,
THE GUY WHO BOOKS IT WAS ON.

HE WAS WAITING.
HE LISTENED TO MOST OF THIS.

- OH, HE JUST CALLED
IN THE MIDDLE?

[gentle music]

♪

I THINK WHAT HAPPENS
IS, LIKE,

YOU GET SOME CHANCES,

AND THEN YOU'RE--YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE EARLY-, MID-30s,

AND IF YOU DON'T KIND OF BREAK
TO THAT NEXT LEVEL,

LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN SHOW
OR SOMETHING,

YOU CAN KIND OF JUST GET LOST

IN JUST DOING SPOTS.

- I NOW HAVE NO ACCESS
TO OPPORTUNITIES,

SOME OF WHICH I FEEL
I DO DESERVE A SHOT AT.

- I WAS KIND OF LIKE
A HOT UP-AND-COMING COMEDIAN,

AND I FEEL LIKE I TOOK IT
FOR GRANTED AT THE TIME.

AND IT'S HARD WHEN YOU HAVE
THAT MOMENT,

AND THEN YOU MAYBE STEP AWAY
FOR A LITTLE BIT LIKE I DID--

I STEPPED AWAY--

AND THEN YOU COME BACK,

YOU EXPECT IT TO BE THAT AGAIN,
AND IT'S NOT.

YOU HAVE TO WORK AGAIN
TO GET TO IT,

AND THAT'S REALLY FUCKING HARD.

IT'S LIKE I HAVE THIS THING
IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD

THAT I COULDN'T, LIKE--

LIKE, GIVE THIS UP.

I COULDN'T LET
THE DREAM DIE.

YOU KNOW, I TOLD YOU
I, YOU KNOW, HAD THAT THING

WHERE I WAS ON THE OSCARS
WHEN I WAS REALLY YOUNG.

AND I FEEL LIKE
THAT PART OF ME NEVER DIED,

THAT, LIKE, RIGHT THERE,
SOMETHING, LIKE, CLICKED IN ME.

THE EXPERIENCE HASN'T BEEN
WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE

WHEN I WAS, YOU KNOW,
11 YEARS OLD.

LIKE, I DIDN'T SEE
ALL THE PAIN

AND TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS
I'D HAVE TO GO THROUGH

ON THAT PATH.

I TOLD MY MOM,

"I'M GONNA GO BACK
TO THE OSCARS ONE DAY

TO PICK UP AN OSCAR."

I'M RECORDING A CD.

- OH, THAT'S--
I'M RECORDING A CD.

- OH, THAT'S GREAT.

- YEAH, I'M DOING
A DOUBLE CD, ACTUALLY.

- OH, OKAY.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
WITH A--

BUT SINGLE, THOUGH,
THAT'S GREAT.

- YEAH, YEAH, NO--

- YOU ONLY HAVE ENOUGH MATERIAL
FOR ONE CD, RIGHT?

- I'M DOING ANOTHER TV SHOW.

- OH, WHAT SHOW?
- IT'S VH1.

YOU KNOW, ABOUT CELEBRITIES
WHO PICK THEIR NOSES AND STUFF.

- I DO THAT SHOW, YEAH.

- OH, YOU DO?
- YEAH, YEAH.

- OH, I JUST TAPED,
LIKE, FIVE EPISODES.

- I'VE DONE TEN EPISODES.

- WELL, YOU KNOW,
I'M TALKING TO MY MANAGER

ABOUT SOME OTHER STUFF.

- OH, WHO'S YOUR MANAGER?

- HE'S THIS GUY,
HIS NAME'S CAL TRUNGER.

- HE'S NOT, LIKE, YOUR DAD
OR SOMETHING?

- NO, HE'S, LIKE,
A REAL GUY.

- OH, HE'S A REAL GUY.

- NO, HE'S A GUY, YEAH.

- MY MANAGER, HE REPRESENTS
DENZEL WASHINGTON,

TOM CRUISE, CHRISTOPHER WALKEN,
PENELOPE CRUZ.

- OH, WOW.
- IT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY.

I'LL GO TO THE OFFICE,
AND THEY'LL BE LIKE,

"HEY, CRUISE IS HERE,"
I'LL BE LIKE, "WHICH ONE?"

SO WHAT ELSE YOU
HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, MAN?

- MY FRIEND JUST GOT--

MY FRIEND JUST GOT STABBED.

- MY FRIEND GOT SHOT.

- REALLY?
- TWICE.

IT WAS CRAZY, MAN.

- I'M DATING THIS GIRL
I WAS TALKING ABOUT BEFORE,

AND SHE'S REALLY
INTO SEX GAMES.

YOU GUYS INTO THOSE?

- WHOO.
- YEAH.

- THERE'S THIS ONE GAME
SHE LIKES TO PLAY ALL THE TIME.

IT'S CALLED
"SLEEP WITH MY FRIEND RALPH."

I FEEL LIKE I'M, LIKE,
ONE OF THE FUNNIEST

AND ONE OF THE BEST,
BUT IT'S--

IT HASN'T COME TO ME AS EASILY
AS IT'S COME TO OTHER PEOPLE.

- YOU KNOW,
THERE WOULD BE SOME JEALOUSY.

AND IT'S BECAUSE PEOPLE
ARE ALL--

EVERYONE'S TRYING REALLY HARD,

AND IT'S FRUSTRATING.

I MEAN, THE WEIRD THING
ABOUT STAND-UP COMEDY IS THAT,

OF ALL THE ASPECTS
OF THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY,

IT IS CLOSEST
TO A MERITOCRACY.

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN
THAT IT'S MERIT-BASED.

- I UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE
GET UPSET,

'CAUSE IT'S A LOT
OF UNFAIRNESS IN THIS BUSINESS.

IT'S NOT LIKE SPORTS.

IF YOU WERE AN ATHLETE,
I WAS AN ATHLETE,

IT'S NOT, LIKE, FINITE,
LIKE,

IF YOU'RE TALENTED,
YOU PLAY.

IF YOU SUCK,
YOU SIT ON THE BENCH.

THAT AIN'T LIKE THIS HERE.

I TURNED INTO THAT ANGRY DUDE.
I TURNED INTO THAT--

LIKE, I GOT MAD.
I'D SEE PEOPLE ON SHOWS.

I'D BE LIKE, "WHY THE FUCK
DID THEY GET THAT?"

- I WAS DEFINITELY JEALOUS
OF PEOPLE,

AND I LIKE THESE PEOPLE.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

- AW.
NO, DON'T FEEL SAD.

I'M GETTING PAID, LIKE,
A BILLION DOLLARS FOR THIS.

THAT'S HOW MUCH WE GET PAID.

THAT'S HOW MUCH THEY PAY YOU
AT CAROLINES

WHEN 20 PEOPLE SHOW UP.

THIS IS ACTUALLY PART
OF MY PAROLE.

- BOY, I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE

ON THIS CRAPTASTIC SHOW
THAT IT'S JUST A--

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE JUST MAKING
SAUSAGE IN A FACTORY, THESE--

CHURNING OUT THESE SHOWS,
'CAUSE THEY GET HIGH RATINGS.

- YEAH, YEAH.
- BUT THAT IS NOT--

AND YOU'LL SEE A LOT OF
FORMERLY VERY RECOGNIZABLE FACES

FROM HUGE MOVIES AND STUFF.

THEY DIDN'T GO THERE,

YOU KNOW, TO THESE SHOWS...

- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- WILLINGLY.

- HOW YOU DOING?
NICE TO MEET YOU.

- GOOD.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

- GREAT.
THANKS FOR COMING.

- OH, YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

I'M A HUGE FAN OF THIS SHOW.

- OH, GREAT,
'CAUSE I'M A HUGE FAN OF YOU.

SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE

GETTING ATTACKED
BY A GHOST.

THIS IS GHOST ATTACKS,
AND I HEARD YOU HAD A GREAT--

- YEAH, I HAVE
A GREAT GHOST ATTACK STORY...

- AWESOME.
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.

- THAT'S REAL.
I WAS IN MY APARTMENT,

AND THIS GHOST
JUST CAME IN.

AND IT WAS LIKE,
"HEY."

IT WAS LIKE,
"GET OUT OF HERE, TOM."

YOU KNOW, AND I WAS LIKE,
"MAN, THIS IS REALLY SCARY."

I'M LIKE,
"THERE'S A GHOST IN MY HOUSE."

- WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE?

- THE GHOST?
- YEAH, YEAH.

- YOU KNOW,
IT JUST LOOKED LIKE A GHOST.

IT WAS LIKE A WHITE SHEET AND--

- A WHITE SHEET.

- A WHITE SHEET, YEAH.

AND IT HAD, LIKE--

LIKE, HOLES
IN THE WHITE SHEET,

LIKE, FOR THE EYES.

- IT HAD EYE HOLES?

- YEAH, YOU KNOW, LIKE,
HOW GHOSTS

HAVE EYE HOLES
IN THE SHEETS?

- LIKE, WHEN SOMEBODY DRESSES UP
LIKE A GHOST, YOU MEAN.

- REMEMBER THAT EPISODE
OF THE BRADY BUNCH

WHERE THEY'RE TRYING
TO, LIKE, SCARE CINDY AND--

IT LOOKED LIKE THAT.

- IT LOOKED LIKE THE GHOST
FROM THE BRADY BUNCH?

- YEAH,
LIKE, YOU KNOW--

OR ELSE FROM SCOOBY-DOO,
REMEMBER?

- THE CARTOON,
SCOOBY-DOO.

- YEAH.
- WELL, TELL ME WHAT IT SAID.

YOU MENTIONED IT SPOKE TO YOU.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT--

- WELL, LIKE, IT CAME IN,
AND IT WAS LIKE,

"LOOK, BUDDY,
THIS IS BULLSHIT.

"I'M A GHOST.

"I WANT YOU OUT
OF THIS APARTMENT.

"I DIED HERE,

AND NOW I'M GONNA HAUNT YOU
UNTIL YOU GET OUT OF MY PLACE."

- SO THIS IS A LEGACY HAUNTING.
IT'S DIRECTED AT THE LOCATION.

- YEAH, IT'S DEFINITELY A LEG--
IT SAID THAT.

IT WAS LIKE,
"I'M A LEGACY,

YOU KNOW,
SO GET OUT OF HERE."

- WOW.
- YOU KNOW?

- YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.
- IT'S LIKE, "I DIED."

HE WAS LIKE--I WAS LIKE,
"HOW DID YOU DIE, DUDE?"

AND HE WAS LIKE,
"I WAS ON THE TOILET."

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME...
- YEAH.

- YOU KNOW, AND THEN
HE STARTED SMOKING MY WEED.

AND I WAS LIKE,
"YOU'RE A GHOST?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "LOOK AT ME.
OF COURSE I'M A GHOST.

"REMEMBER
THAT BRADY BUNCH EPISODE?

LIKE, I LOOK LIKE THAT GHOST."

- HE TALKED
ABOUT THE BRADY BUNCH EPISODE?

- I DON'T KNOW IF HE--YEAH.

I THINK HE MENTIONED SOMETHING
ABOUT IT.

I THINK HE WAS JUST TRYING
TO BREAK THE ICE.

SO THEN HE WAS, LIKE, MAD
'CAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ANY NACHOS,

AND I WAS LIKE,
"DUDE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU CAN EAT?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "YES.
GHOSTS EAT."

AND HE WAS LIKE,
"DIDN'T YOU SEE GHOSTBUSTERS,

WHEN--WHEN THAT GUY'S EATING?"

AND I WAS LIKE,
"YEAH. ALL RIGHT."

AND THEN HE STARTED PUNCHING ME
IN THE FACE.

IT WAS LIKE IN THAT MOVIE GHOST
WITH PATRICK SWAYZE.

LIKE, REMEMBER WHEN PATRICK
SWAYZE'S BEATING THOSE GUYS UP

EVEN THOUGH HE'S A GHOST?

THERE'S NOT EVEN ANYONE HERE,

AND I'M GETTING PUNCHED
IN THE FACE.

LIKE, THAT'S WHAT
I WAS THINKING.

I WAS LIKE, "THERE'S--
THIS GUY HAS A SHEET ON,

AND HE'S, YOU KNOW,
HE'S PUNCHING ME."

- YEAH, SO THE--THE ATTACK
WAS LIKE THE MOVIE GHOST,

AND THE GHOST LOOKED LIKE, UH,
THE BRADY BUNCH.

- AND THEN IT FARTED
AT ONE POINT, SO--

- IT FARTED--IT SMELLED REALLY
BAD IN THE ROOM, YOU MEAN?

- I DON'T--IT ALREADY
SMELLED BAD IN THERE,

'CAUSE I JUST HAD, LIKE,
YOU KNOW, CHINESE FOOD...

- UH-HUH.
- THAT I DIDN'T THROW AWAY, SO--

- OKAY.
- BUT--

- SO THEN HOW--WHAT--IT--

YOU SMELLED A FART?

IS THAT WHAT--
- NO, I JUST HEARD IT.

IT WAS LIKE:
[makes fart noise]

AND THEN HE FINALLY JUST LEFT.

'CAUSE HE WAS LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE?"

HE WAS LIKE,
"I GOT TO GO

TAKE A DUMP,"
SO HE JUST LEFT.

- HE TALKED ABOUT GOING
TO THE BATHROOM AS A GHOST?

- I GUESS.
I MEAN, I--I--

MAYBE HE WAS KIDDING.
I DON'T KNOW.

HE SAID IT SARCASTIC,
SO, YOU KNOW.

- YOU KNOW, I--
I GOT TO BE HONEST.

I JUST FEEL LIKE, UM--
I FEEL LIKE YOU'VE MADE THIS UP.

- WHAT PART?

- THE--THE ENTIRE THING,

AND I THINK YOU'RE
MAKING IT UP RIGHT HERE...

- YOU THINK I'M MAKING--

- WHILE YOU'RE SITTING HERE
TALKING TO ME.

IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

- WHAT ABOUT THE--
WHAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE?

I TOLD YOU, IT CAME IN.

IT LOOKED LIKE SCOOBY-DOO

AND THE BRADY BUNCH.

IT WANTED NACHOS.

IT TRIED TO SMOKE MY WEED.

WHAT--WHAT ABOUT THIS
DOESN'T SOUND REAL?

- THE--100% OF IT.

100%.

I--I WISH WE WERE PAYING YOU...

- WHY?

- SO I COULD NOT PAY YOU.

- OKAY.
THAT--THAT MAKES SENSE.

- YEAH, BECAUSE YOU'VE
WASTED MY TIME.

I'M TRYING TO DO A SERIOUS SHOW

ABOUT GHOSTS THAT ATTACK
F-LEVEL CELEBRITIES.

- RIGHT.

- AND IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU

THAT GIVE THIS SHOW A BAD NAME.

- YEAH, NO--ONE OF--
THERE WERE TWO GHOSTS, ACTUALLY.

I'M NOT MAKING--THERE--THE OTHER
ONE LOOKED LIKE BILL COSBY,

LIKE, FROM GHOST DAD.

- YOU'VE PICKED GHOSTS THAT ARE,

UH, NOT THREATENING

AND HAVE TO DO WITH SOME TYPE
OF POP CULTURE...

- NO, I JUST SAID,
THESE ARE WHAT GHOSTS LOOK LIKE.

- CINDY BRADY AND BILL COSBY?
- NO, IT WASN'T CINDY BRADY.

NO, IT--IT LOOKED
LIKE BILL COSBY,

LIKE, IN GHOST DAD.

REMEMBER, THERE WAS THE MOVIE
GHOST DAD?

- I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE MOVIE
GHOST DAD.

YES. I--LOOK.
- AND YOU KNOW THAT WAS REAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE?
I--I--ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNA--
I'M GONNA LEVEL WITH YOU.

I WASN'T ATTACKED BY A GHOST
THAT LOOKED LIKE PATRICK SWAYZE.

- OH, NOW THE TRUTH COMES OUT.
- OR BRADY BUNCH.

- NOW THE TRUTH COMES OUT.
YES.

- BUT, I MEAN, NO--EVERYONE
WHO COMES IN HERE FOR THIS SHOW

IS MAKING UP STORIES.

THIS IS--NO ONE REALLY
WAS ATTACKED BY A GHOST.

- I WAS ATTACKED BY THE GHOST
OF TUPAC LAST YEAR IN HARLEM.

- YOU WERE ATTACKED
BY THE GHOST OF TUPAC.

- YEAH, YEAH.
- IN HARLEM.

WELL, WHAT DID--
WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?

- HE HAD A SKI MASK ON.

- AND WHAT HAPPENED?

- AND A LOT OF TATTOOS.
- YEAH.

- AND HE TOOK MY WALLET.
- OKAY.

THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE
YOU WERE JUST ROBBED IN HARLEM.

- I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF
TO YOU.

- I KNOW, BUT, YOU KNOW,
GHOSTS DON'T EVEN EXIST, DUDE,

SO THAT'S RETARDED.

- GET OUT OF HERE.

I'M GONNA PRETEND
I DIDN'T EVEN HEAR THAT.

JUST GET OUT OF HERE.
- OKAY. FINE.

ALL RIGHT, MAN.
- AND DON'T--

THE TURKEY SANDWICHES
ON THE LEFT, DO NOT EAT ONE.

SEND IN TOOTIE!

FROM THE FACTS OF LIFE,
TOOTIE.

- NOT THE OTHER TOOTIE?

[gentle piano music]

♪

- IF THIS DOESN'T WORK OUT,
THAT'S IT.

HE'S GOT TO GET A JOB.

HE'S GOT TO START PAYING
HIS OWN CELL PHONE BILL.

TOM HAS NOT BEEN OUR NANNY
FOR A LITTLE BIT NOW,

AND I'M NOT QUITE SURE
WHAT TOM'S JOB IS,

EXCEPT MAYBE STEALING CHANGE
FROM MY POCKETS,

AND I THINK HE MAY
BE SELLING MY CLOTHING ON EBAY.

- THERE'S THIS--IT'S JUST SUCH,
LIKE, A TOUGH ROAD.

WHY EVEN DO IT?

MY MOM, UH, PASSED AWAY
ABOUT 14 YEARS AGO,

AND, UH,
SHE WAS A CREATIVE PERSON.

SHE WAS A WRITER.

AND SHE WAS--SHE WASN'T, LIKE,
A COMEDIAN OR A COMEDY WRITER,

BUT SHE WAS REALLY INTO COMEDY,
AND--AND SHE WAS INTO WRITING.

SHE WAS A GOOD WRITER.

BUT I--I KNOW THAT

THAT WAS SOMETHING
SHE WAS REALLY INTO,

AND SHE STOPPED.

AND I ALWAYS
KIND OF GOT THE FEELING

THAT SHE REGRETTED STOPPING.

AND I THINK THAT'S WHY,
WHEN I WAS, YOU KNOW,

BECAME CREATIVE AND HAD
THAT KIND OF...

LIKE, I HAD AN OUTLET.

LIKE, IT SEEMED LIKE
I HAD SOME TALENT CREATIVELY.

I WANTED TO PURSUE IT,
BECAUSE I HAD SEEN

THAT SHE REGRETTED MAYBE
STOPPING PURSUING IT.

SO I FEEL LIKE
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO, YOU KNOW,

KEEP THIS DREAM ALIVE.

YOU KNOW, TO KEEP HER, YOU KNOW,
MY PROMISE TO HER ALIVE.

♪

WHEN DO YOU FINALLY GIVE UP ON,
LIKE, A DREAM?

WHEN DO YOU FINALLY STOP
PURSUING A DREAM

THAT YOU'VE HAD FOR SO LONG?

WELL, WHAT DO I DO NOW?

LIKE, WAS THAT IT FOR ME?

MAYBE THAT WAS ALL THE SUCCESS
I'M GONNA HAVE.

♪

THEY NEVER DO--THEY NEVER
BRANCH OUT INTO OTHER--

OTHER GENRES OF WEED MOVIES,

SO I'M GONNA CHANGE THAT.

I'M WRITING A WEED HORROR MOVIE.

[laughter]

IT'S CALLED--IT'S CALLED

I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.

THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE
WHO DO COMEDY

AND NEVER BECAME FAMOUS.

YOU KNOW, THEY HAD SOME SUCCESS,
AND IT'S JUST KIND OF LIKE,

WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE PEOPLE?

WHAT--YOU KNOW, NEVER SEE
A DOCUMENTARY, REALLY,

FOCUSING ON THOSE PEOPLE,
LIKE THE MANY COMEDIANS

THAT ARE STILL PRACTICING
THEIR ART AND, LIKE,

REALLY TRYING TO MAKE A GO
OF DOING STAND-UP.

PROBABLY WON'T BE--
EVER BECOME HUGELY FAMOUS,

BUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM,
YOU KNOW?

♪

- I WAS LIKE,
WHEN'S THIS GONNA HAPPEN?

YOU KNOW,
AND SO THERE WAS THAT DELUSION.

- IT'S WEIRD, LIKE,
WHEN YOU THINK

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING.

I DIDN'T THINK
IT WOULD TAKE THAT LONG.

I JUST THOUGHT, "THIS IS
WHAT YOU WERE MEANT TO DO."

- LIKE, YEAH,
YOU FEEL TRAPPED AT TIMES.

LIKE, IT'S--IT'S--
IT IS SCARY.

- SALMON STEAK, SALMON CAKES,
UM, SALMON CROQUETTES,

ANY TYPE OF FISH STICKS, UM,
ANYTHING LIKE--

- HEY, GET OFF
YOUR FUCKING PHONE,

YOU PIECE OF SHIT, ASSHOLE,
FUCK, DICK, DOUCHE!

- OKAY, WELL,
THAT WAS THE LETTERMAN PEOPLE,

AND THEY WANTED TO BOOK YOU,
SO--

[chuckles]
GOOD JOB WITH THAT.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE?
YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE?

THIS IS BULL--
I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT.

YOU KNOW THAT SHOW
YOU BOOKED ME ON LAST NIGHT?

THAT WAS--
- NO, WHAT SHOW?

- YOU DON'T REMEMBER
THE ONLY SHOW YOU'VE GOTTEN ME,

THE PIECE OF SHIT SHOW--

- THE ONE AT THE LAUNDROMAT?
- YES, AT THE LAUNDROMAT.

- THAT'S ONE OF THE BEST SHOWS
IN NEW YORK, TOM.

- HOW--HOW IS THAT ONE
OF THE BEST SHOWS IN NEW YORK?

- IT'S AMAZING, ALL RIGHT?
- NO, IT'S NOT!

- AZIZ ANSARI JUST DID A DROP-IN
THE OTHER NIGHT ON IT.

- WAS--AZIZ ANSARI WAS THERE?

- WELL, HE WAS DOING
HIS LAUNDRY, BUT HE WAS THERE.

- BUT HE WASN'T DOING
THE SHOW, DUDE.

- IT'S A GREAT SHOW, TOM.

- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO THE SHOW?

- NO, ALL RIGHT?
I'VE SEEN PICTURES.

- THEY DON'T EVEN--

WHERE HAVE YOU SEEN PICTURES
OF THIS LAUNDROMAT SHOW?

- I POSTED A FEW.
I DON'T KNOW. I PHOTOSHOPPED IT.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE?
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT.
- ALL RIGHT, TOM.

- I'M SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT.
MAN, I'M DONE.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- I'M DONE WITH THIS. I'M DONE.

- HEY. NO, NO, NO. COME ON, MAN.

YOUR CD TAPING IS IN THREE DAYS.

I HAVE INDUSTRY COMING DOWN.
- I DON'T GIVE--

YOU HAVE INDUSTRY COMING?
WHO?

- WELL,
IT'S NOT COMEDY INDUSTRY.

I HAVE A GUY I KNOW
FROM THE TEXTILE INDUSTRY.

AND--AND THE LAWYER OF THE GUY

WHO SHOT REAGAN'S
GONNA BE THERE.

- I DON'T UNDER--WHO--WHAT--
WHAT IS THAT GONNA DO FOR ME?

WHAT IS THAT GONNA DO
FOR MY CAREER?

- IT COULD DO A LOT FOR YOU.
THAT GUY'S HUGE NOW, MAN.

HE'S DOING EVERYTHING.
- YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN? FUCK YOU.

I AM DONE WITH YOU.
- HEY, COME ON.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU BOOKED ME ON THAT SHOW.

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE,

AND YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE
TO SUPPORT ME ABOUT IT.

- WHAT ABOUT THE GOOD TIMES,
TOM?

- WHAT?

- YOU DON'T REMEMBER
ALL THE GOOD TIMES WE'VE HAD?

ALL RIGHT. HEY. HEY.
BEFORE YOU GO, BEFORE YOU GO--

- I'M OUT OF HERE, DUDE.
I'M DONE.

I'M NOT DOING--
- HEY. HEY. LOOK.

THAT WAS A PAID GIG
THE OTHER NIGHT.

- AT THE LAUNDROMAT?
- YEAH.

YOU FORGOT TO TAKE IT.

- WHAT--WHAT--WHAT IS THIS?

- HEY. HEY. WHOA.
I GET 10--I GET 10%.

- WELL, WHAT IS THIS?
- IT'S DRYER SHEETS.

- YOU'RE--FUCK YOU, MAN.
FUCK YOU.

- WAIT, DOES THIS MEAN
I CAN HAVE ALL THE DRYER SHEETS?

- YES.

IT JUST REALLY FUCKING--
IT JUST, YOU KNOW, I REAL--

I KNEW THIS WOULD BE HARD
GETTING BACK INTO THIS,

AND I KNEW IT'D BE--IT WOULDN'T
BE AN EASY ROAD, BUT IT JUST--

I FEEL LIKE
THERE'S JUST SO MUCH--

THERE'S JUST SO MUCH BULLSHIT
I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE

IN THIS BUSINESS
AND IN THE COMEDY WORLD.

I JUST DON'T--YOU KNOW,
I WANT TO WASH MY HANDS OF IT.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO FUCKING
DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE.

IT'S JUST--I FEEL LIKE I TRY
SO HARD, AND I GIVE SO MUCH,

AND I GET--
YOU GET NOTHING IN RETURN.

I REMEMBER
WHY I STOPPED DOING IT.

I GUESS I'M JUST GETTING
TO THAT POINT WHERE, LIKE,

I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT, YOU KNOW,

MY DREAMS
AREN'T GONNA COME TRUE

LIKE I THOUGHT THEY WERE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,
I'M NOT GONNA WIN AN OSCAR,

YOU KNOW,
LIKE I PROMISED MY MOM,

AND I'M NOT GONNA GET BLOWN

BY SCARLETT JOHANSSON
ON THE TOILET

LIKE I PROMISED MY DAD
AND MY MOM.

YOU KNOW, I--I TOLD THEM THAT
ONE DAY THAT WOULD HAPPEN, BUT--

WHEN YOU'RE A KID,

NO ONE TELLS YOU
YOUR DREAMS CAN'T COME TRUE.

YOU THINK THEY WILL.

SO IT'S SAD TO THINK, YOU KNOW,

THERE HAVE TO BE A BUNCH
OF FOUR- OR FIVE-YEAR-OLDS

OUT THERE RIGHT NOW
WHO HAVE A DREAM

THAT SCARLETT JOHANSSON
MIGHT BLOW THEM

WHILE THEY'RE ON THE TOILET,
AND, YOU KNOW,

IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN
FOR MOST OF THEM.

BUT IT'S LIKE BEING THIS FUCKING
FUNNY AND HILARIOUS AND ORIGINAL

IS LIKE THIS CURSE
THAT I WAS GIVEN,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, LIKE,
SOME PEOPLE ARE, LIKE,

REALLY GOOD AT MATH OR THIS--

IT'S LIKE I WAS GIVEN

THIS, LIKE,
AMAZINGLY GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR,

BUT, LIKE, WHAT DO YOU DO
IF YOU CAN'T GET PAID

TO BE, YOU KNOW,
GOOD AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

WHICH IS BEING FUNNY
AND MAKING, YOU KNOW,

JOKES ABOUT FARTS AND BALLS?

WHICH I'M REALLY GOOD AT.

LIKE, I'M GREAT AT DOING THAT,
BUT, I MEAN...

- THERE'S A POINT WHERE YOU JUST
FEEL--ESSENTIALLY DECIDE,

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT ANYBODY THINKS ANYMORE.

I'M JUST GONNA DO WHAT I--
WHAT PLEASES ME."

AND THAT JUST TAKES
A CONFIDENCE,

WHICH COMES FROM FAILING SO MUCH
THAT YOU REALIZE

THAT FAILING WON'T KILL YOU.

- I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO DO ANYTHING.

LIKE, I--I CAN'T FIX CARS,

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO OPERATE ON PEOPLE,

YOU KNOW,
AND I DON'T CRUNCH NUMBERS,

AND I DON'T, YOU KNOW--I'M NOT
THAT GREAT WITH COMPUTERS.

- AT ONE POINT, I WAS LIKE,
"THIS IS--THIS IS DUMB.

THIS IS NOT FUN." RIGHT?
- RIGHT.

- AND WHEN--WHEN COMEDY
DOESN'T GET FUN FOR ME,

I DON'T LIKE--I DON'T WANT
TO DO IT ANYMORE, SO--

- YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT THE--
THE HARD PART OF IT

IS JUST, LIKE, STICKING AROUND,
MAN, 'CAUSE IT SUCKS.

- I CAN FIND A JOB JOB,
BUT, MAN, IT WOULD SUCK.

SITTING UNDER THOSE--
THOSE LONG LIGHTS.

WHAT ARE THOSE, HALOGEN LIGHTS?
- YEAH.

- UGH.

JUST WAITING TO BE LIKE,
"IS THIS THE DAY?

IS THIS THE DAY
THAT I CAN KILL MYSELF?"

- I WAS GETTING OLDER.

DOORS HAVE CLOSED TO YOU.

- I WAS LIKE, "I'M DONE.
I'M OUT. I'M GOING."

- I'M FUCKING DONE
AT THIS POINT.

I DON'T--I DON'T EVEN--I DON'T
GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE CD.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT COMEDY.

[gentle piano music]

♪

- TOM, IT'S SCOTT CALLING AGAIN.

UH, PLEASE CALL ME BACK
WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE, MAN.

TONIGHT'S THE BIG NIGHT.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE
YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING.

I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH
HOW IMPORTANT IT IS

THAT YOU ACTUALLY SHOW UP
AND DO THIS SHOW.

WE BOOKED THE VENUE, OKAY?

WE'VE GOT 150 PEOPLE
SHOWING UP, AND I'VE PUT

A COUPLE THOUSAND DOLLARS
INTO THE PRODUCTION ALREADY,

SO PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL BACK.

PUT ME AT EASE HERE.

[sighs]

IT'D BE A SHAME IF HE JUST
BLEW THE WHOLE THING OFF

AND QUIT THE GAME COMPLETELY,
YOU KNOW.

EVERYONE'S GOT
THEIR BREAKING POINT, I GUESS.

I'M GONNA GO GET HIGH.

[dramatic music]

♪

[upbeat music]

- I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
- YEAH.

- YOU LEFT LAST TIME.
YOU WERE A LITTLE MAD AT ME.

I WAS A LITTLE MAD AT YOU.
I GET IT.

BUT THAT WAS BEFORE I KNEW
YOUR ALBUM WAS BRILLIANT.

BRILLIANT, AND I DON'T
THROW THIS AROUND A LOT.

I'M GONNA SAY GENIUS.

- WHAT DID YOU LIKE BEST
ABOUT IT?

- I DIDN'T LISTEN TO IT,

BUT I KNOW
THAT THE OFFERS COMING IN

ARE CUCKOO, CUCKOO, CUCKOO!

THEY WANT YOU
TO BE THE NEW SPIDER-MAN.

"WE JUST HEARD HIS ALBUM.

WE WANT TO MAKE HIM
THE NEW SPIDER-MAN."

I'M LIKE, "IS THERE--ARE THERE
JOKES ABOUT SPIDER-MAN?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "NO.

WE JUST FELT THE TONE
WAS PERFECT."

- TO BE SPIDER-MAN.

- FOR YOU TO BE SPIDER-MAN.

- HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED BEFORE,

WHERE SOMEONE
JUST DID A COMEDY ALBUM--

- I WAS TRYING
TO TALK THEM OUT OF IT.

I WAS LIKE, "YOU SHOULD AT LEAST
LET HIM AUDITION."

AND THEY WERE LIKE, "NO,
WE DON'T WANT HIM TO AUDITION.

WE WANT TO MAKE HIM SPIDER-MAN."

STEVEN SPIELBERG, NORA EPHRON,
THE COEN BROTHERS.

- WHAT ABOUT THEM?
- ROMAN POLANSKI.

- WHAT ABOUT THEM?

- THEY ALL CALLED TOGETHER,

AND THEY WERE LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU
REPRESENT TOM MCCAFFREY?"

AND I'M LIKE, "WHO'S ASKING?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "SPIELBERG,
SCORSESE, EPHRON,

"SODERBERGH, POLANSKI.

"WE'RE ALL HERE.

"WE WANT TO DIRECT A MOVIE
CALLED COOLEST GUY EVER

STARRING TOM MCCAFFREY."

- AND THAT'S ALL--
BUT ROMAN POLANSKI

ISN'T EVEN ALLOWED TO COME HERE.

- HE'S ON HIS WAY HERE NOW,

SO HE COULD SERVE HIS JAIL TIME

AND MAKE SURE HE'S OUT IN TIME
TO DIRECT THIS MOVIE.

THE ACADEMY AWARDS CALLED.
- YEAH.

- THEY WERE LIKE, "WE HEARD
TOM MCCAFFREY'S ALBUM.

"WE WANT TO CREATE AN AWARD

"CALLED
'FUNNIEST ALBUM OF THE YEAR'

AND AWARD IT TO TOM MCCAFFREY
THIS YEAR."

- THEY'RE GONNA MAKE AN AWARD

THAT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH MOVIES?

- THEY'RE NOT EVEN GONNA
NOMINATE OTHER PEOPLE.

JUST YOU.
- RIGHT.

- HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MOVIES.

THEY'RE GONNA GIVE YOU
TWO OSCARS FOR THE AWARD.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- I WAS LIKE,
"THEY ONLY GIVE ONE, RIGHT?"

YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY'RE DOING
THE WHOLE THING.

- IT'S USUALLY ONE.
- I HAVEN'T SEEN THE OSCARS.

BUT THEY HAND PEOPLE A STATUE.

THEY'RE GONNA GIVE YOU
TWO STATUES.

THEY'RE GONNA MAKE YOU DANCE
AFTER THAT.

- I'M GONNA DANCE.

- THEY'RE GONNA GIVE YOU
A DANCE NUMBER.

JUST YOU.

- YOU MEAN THE DANCE THAT I DID

FROM WHEN I WAS A KID?

- THEY'RE GONNA GIVE YOU
THAT DANCE BACK.

- THEY'RE GONNA LET ME DO THAT?
- THEY'RE GONNA LET YOU.

I KNOW THEY OWN
THE RIGHTS TO IT.

THEY'RE GONNA LET YOU
DO THAT DANCE AGAIN.

- WHY?

- I WAS LIKE,
"DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?"

AND THEY WERE LIKE,
"WE TALK ABOUT IT EVERY YEAR.

WE'RE LIKE, 'WE CAN'T FIND
THAT KID; WHERE'S THAT KID?'"

- THEY'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ME
TO DO THAT?

- THEY'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.
- THAT'S INS--OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS INSANE. I KNEW IT!
I KNEW IT!

- THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS
YOU UNTIL THEY HEARD THE ALBUM

AND WERE LIKE,
"THIS REMINDS US OF SOMETHING."

THEY WERE LIKE, "WHAT DOES
THIS ALBUM REMIND US OF?"

- THAT'S SO WEIRD; I WASN'T
EVEN TALKING WHEN I DANCED.

- THEY--IT WAS THE ESSENCE,
THEY SAID.

- RIGHT. REALLY?
WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.

- THEY WERE LIKE,
"IS THIS THE KID

WHO NAILED THE DANCE NUMBER,
LIKE, 20-SOMETHING YEARS AGO?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "I GUESS.
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T.

I HAVEN'T WATCHED
HIS MATERIALS YET."

- WELL, THAT'S GREAT, MAN.
I REALLY--THAT'S GREAT.

- ISN'T THAT--
WELL, IT'S NOT ALL.

THEY'RE LIKE,
"HOW ABOUT AN 18-PICTURE DEAL

FOR TOM MCCAFFREY?"

- 18 MOVIES?

- 18 MOVIES.

- JUST FROM THE ALBUM.

- THEY WERE LIKE,
"WE TRUST THAT THIS GUY

CAN MAKE 18 MOVIES,
NO PROBLEM."

- IS ANYONE ELSE
GONNA BE IN THEM?

- NO, IT'S JUST YOU.
- JUST ALL OF--

- YOU'RE GONNA PLAY
ALL THE ROLES IN EVERY MOVIE.

CATE BLANCHETT AGREED TO STAR
IN ALL OF THEM, OPPOSITE YOU.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

- SHE'S ALREADY ON BOARD.
- ALREADY ON BOARD.

- FOR--SHE HEARD THE ALBUM?

- JU--NO.

SHE JUST--SHE HEARD THEM
TALKING ABOUT THE ALBUM.

- SO EVEN PEOPLE ARE JUST--
- THEY QUOTED YOUR JOKES.

THE NEW YORK TIMES CALLED.
- YEAH.

- THEY WANT TO DO
AN ARTICLE CALLED

"TOM MCCAFFREY IS FUNNIER
THAN LOUIS C.K."

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- YEAH.

GUESS WHO'S GONNA WRITE IT.
- WHO?

- LOUIS C.K.

- LOUIS C.K.'S
WRITING THE ARTICLE

ABOUT HOW I'M BETTER THAN HIM?

- LOUIS C.K.'S GONNA WRITE IT.
LOUIS C.K. WANTS TO WRITE IT.

- HAS HE EVER DONE THAT BEFORE?

- HE'S NEVER DONE IT,
'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE'S QUITTING COMEDY.
- WHY?

- HE'S LIKE,
"I CAN'T WRITE JOKES ANYMORE.

"HOW AM I GONNA
WRITE JOKES ANYMORE?

HE'S DONE
ALL THE JOKES I CAN DO."

- YOU MEAN MY ALBUM?

- YOUR ALBUM MADE HIM
QUIT COMEDY.

- OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S--THAT'S WEIRD.

- I WAS LIKE,
"THAT'S A BAD DECISION."

HE'S LIKE, "I HAVE NO CHOICE!

TOM MCCAFFREY'S BETTER!"

I WAS LIKE, "WH--WH--WHA--?"

- THIS IS WEIRD.

WHEN DID YOU GET
ALL THESE CALLS?

- I GOT THEM ALL ONE AFTER
ANOTHER ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO.

THIS GUY NAMED SHOWBIZ CALLED.
- YEAH.

- HE WANTS TO GIVE YOU
THE RICH AND FAMOUS PLAN.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT?"

HE WAS LIKE,
"IT WAS FROM THE MUPPET MOVIE.

WE WANT TO MAKE IT REAL."

SCARLETT JOHANSSON CALLED.

SHE WANTS TO BLOW YOU.

- SCARLETT JOHANSSON
WANTS TO BLOW ME.

- SCARLETT JOHANSSON CALLED ME
ON THIS PHONE.

I WAS LIKE, "WHO IS THIS?"

AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"SCARLETT JOHANSSON."

I'M LIKE, "COME ON,"
AND SHE SAID IT AGAIN.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, HEY,
SCARLETT JOHANSSON."

- JUST FROM HER
SAYING IT AGAIN?

- YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID?

SHE SAID,
"I HEARD THIS GUY'S ALBUM.

I NEED TO BLOW HIM."

THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED.

- THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

SHE'S NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE?

- A FAMOUS ACTRESS
HEARS A STAND-UP COMEDY ALBUM,

CALLS HIS MANAGER, THE MANAGER
OF THE COMEDIAN IN THE ALBUM,

AND SAYS,
"I WANT TO BLOW THAT GUY."

SHE WANTS ME TO DRAW UP
A CONTRACT TO MAKE SURE

THAT YOU DON'T DECIDE TO GET
BLOWN BY SOME OTHER ACTRESS.

- YEAH. YEAH.

- AND I'LL BE TAKING 10%
OF THAT BLOW JOB,

WHICH I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT.

BUT I DIDN'T TELL YOU
THE BEST PART OF ALL.

YOU'RE DOING FERGUSON.

- ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
-CRAIG FERGUSON!

both: YES!

- YES, DUDE.
- I DID IT, MAN. I DID IT.

- YOU'RE DOING FERGUSON.

- OH, YES!
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

- THAT IS AMAZING.
- I KNOW. I KNOW.

- WHEN?
WHEN--WHEN AM I DOING IT?

- WELL, THEY DON'T
HAVE A DATE YET.

YOU'RE GONNA SUBMIT TAPES.

IF THEY LIKE YOUR SET,
THEY'LL GET YOU IN.

[hard rock music]

- ♪ LIKE THUNDER

♪ AND LIGHTNING

♪ GOD DAMN, IT'S SO EXCITING

♪ IT HITS YOU LIKE A HAMMER

♪ ELECTRIC SLAMMER

- THIS IS A GREAT TIME FOR YOU
RIGHT NOW.

- IT IS?
- THIS IS A GREAT TIME.

THERE'S HEAT. THERE'S BUZZ.
- THERE'S HEAT?

- DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES
A DAY I PICK UP THIS PHONE,

AND IT'S LIKE, "TOM MCCAFFREY,
TOM MCCAFFREY"?

NONE.
BUT I WILL SOON.

ONCE EVERYTH--

[both laughing]

- CAN WE GO BACK TO THAT?

- ♪ CHECK THE MANTEL, TROPHIES,
WEATHER CHANNEL ♪

♪ HOLY HAIL COMING DOWN

♪ BETTER ROCK A FLANNEL

♪ CHILL FACTORS
WITH A CHANCE OF SLEET ♪

♪ GORE-TEX RAINCOATS
WITH NO LEAKS ♪

♪ EASTERN STANDARD
MOUNTAIN TIME ♪

♪ BIG ROB ROCKS A FUNKY RHYME

♪ CENTRAL AND PACIFIC ZONES

♪ FRESH FORECAST
ON THE MICROPHONE ♪

♪ LIKE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

♪ GOD DAMN, IT'S SO EXCITING

- GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT
FROM GUYS,

AND IT'S WEIRD TO PEOPLE.

- YEAH. YEAH.

IS THAT YOUR JOKE?

- THAT'S EXACTLY IT.
GIRLS ARE SO WEIRD.

- SO YOU SAW THE LAST COMIC
STANDING EPISODE TOO?

- I SAW IT ON "LEE-NO."

[laughs]

[snorts]

[all laughing]

- ♪ TALKING JET STREAMS

♪ NEWS TEAM'S CHOPPER

♪ YEAH, MAN,
IT'S GONNA BE A MONSTER ♪

♪ LOCK IT DOWN LIKE FORT KNOX

♪ YOU GIVING ME EYES
LIKE DON KNOTTS ♪

♪ AIN'T A ROBOT,
WE'RE THE MAN ♪

♪ METEOROLOGIST WITH A JAM

♪ EASTERN STANDARD
MOUNTAIN TIME ♪

♪ BIG ROB ROCKS A FUNKY RHYME

♪ CENTRAL AND PACIFIC ZONES

♪ FRESH FORECAST
ON THE MICROPHONE ♪

- THIS IS IT.
THIS SHOW IS BIG, MAN.

- WHO ELSE IS ON IT?
- DICK CLARK IS ON IT.

- DICK CLARK? HE'S DEAD.

- HE'S PLAYING A GHOST, TOM.

IT'S ABOUT GHOSTS
ATTACKING PEOPLE.

- SO HE'S ONE OF THE GHOSTS?

- HE'S ONE OF THE GHOSTS, MAN.

IT WAS HARD TO GET HIM.

- [laughing]

- ♪ I'M NOT COUNTING SHEEP

♪ STAY UP LATE COUNTING POLLEN

♪ NOR'EASTER BUNNY
CADBURY YOUR HIGHWAY ♪

♪ GOING EYE TO EYE
WITH THE EYE OF THE STORM ♪

♪ CONTROL WEATHER PATTERNS
WITH AN APP ON MY PHONE ♪

♪ SHIPWRECK YOUR VESSEL
SUCK THROUGH A FUNNEL ♪

- THEY'RE GONNA BRING
ROMAN POLANSKI IN.

HE'S LIKE, "I--I'M GONNA
GET ARRESTED FOR THIS.

"I HAVE NEVER FELT
MORE PASSIONATE ABOUT A PROJECT

THAN I DO ABOUT
THIS TOM MCCAFFREY PROJECT."

- JUST FROM HEARING MY ALBUM?

- HEARD YOUR ALBUM.

HE ACTUALLY--HE'S--HE--

HE IS COMING OVER
ON THE NEXT FLIGHT.

HE'S GONNA DO HIS JAIL TIME

AND THEN MAKE SURE THAT HE'S OUT
IN TIME TO DIRECT THIS MOVIE

WITH ALL THOSE PEOPLE.

- [laughing]

- ♪ DAMN, IT'S SO EXCITING

♪ IT HITS YOU LIKE A HAMMER

♪ ELECTRIC SLAMMER

♪ DOPPLER RADAR STAMMER

- ♪ STRONG WINDS COMING IN

♪ FLIPPING OVER CAMPERS,
WEEKEND DAMPERS ♪

- THE SANDWICHES ON THE RIGHT,
THE TABLE, DON'T EAT THOSE.

- I ALREADY HAD ONE.

- THEN GO IN THE BATHROOM,
AND YOU THROW IT UP!

STICK YOUR FINGER
DOWN YOUR THROAT,

AND YOU THROW IT UP!

SEND IN TOOTIE!

FROM THE FACTS OF LIFE,
TOOTIE.

- NOT THE OTHER TOOTIE?

- DON'T GIVE ME BLAIR!

[laughter]

♪ CHILL FACTORS
WITH A CHANCE OF SLEET ♪

♪ GORE-TEX RAINCOATS
WITH NO LEAKS ♪

♪ EASTERN STANDARD
MOUNTAIN TIME ♪

♪ BIG ROB ROCKS A FUNKY

- THERE'S MORE.

- THERE'S MORE THAN THIS.

- THERE IS MORE.

- WHAT?

- THIS GIRL SUSIE CALLED,

FROM YOUR JUNIOR HIGH.
- YEAH.

- SHE WANTS
TO GET BACK TOGETHER.

APPARENTLY, SHE'S SOME GIRL
THAT BROKE YOUR HEART.

SHE WANTS IN.

THE WEINSTEINS CALLED.

THEY WANT TO SET YOU UP
WITH AN 18-PICTURE DEAL.

- THEY DO?

- AND THEY'RE
RESTARTING MIRAMAX.

- THEY ARE?
- THEY'RE BRINGING BACK MIRAMAX.

- JUST FROM MY ALBUM?

- FOR YOUR 18-PICTURE DEAL...

- BUT--
- BASED ON THE ALBUM.

- THERE'S LESS THAN 18 TRACKS
ON THE ALBUM.

- LESS THAN 18 TRACKS.
- WHAT?

THEY WERE LIKE,
"WE TRUST THAT THIS GUY

CAN MAKE 18 MOVIES,
NO PROBLEM."

- IS ANYONE ELSE GONNA
BE IN THEM?

- NO, IT'S JUST YOU.
- JUST ALL OF--

- YOU'RE GONNA PLAY
ALL THE ROLES IN EVERY MOVIE.

- [laughs]
- LIKE EDDIE MURPHY.

YOU'RE GONNA PLAY--
[laughter]

- ♪ SHIPWRECK YOUR VESSEL
SUCK THROUGH A FUNNEL ♪

♪ STRANDED ON AN ISLAND

♪ FILLED WITH BRIDGES
AND TUNNELS ♪

♪ SLIP ON BLACK ICE
AND THROW OUT YOUR HIP ♪

♪ HERE'S A GLASS OF ACID RAIN,
HAVE A SIP ♪

♪ HOW IS IT OUTSIDE?

♪ DON'T ASK DAN RATHER

♪ HE'LL TELL YOU THE NEWS

♪ THEN SPIT BACK THE WEATHER

♪ ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE
- ♪ MR. FREEZE

- ♪ NO EFFORT
- ♪ WINTER IS COMING

- ♪ MAKE IT SNOW IN THE DESERT

♪ FIVE-DAY FORECAST

♪ MY OUTLOOK'S EXTENDED

♪ 60 BARS OF RHYMES

♪ ARE WHERE THE VERSES ENDED

♪ LIKE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

♪ GOD DAMN, IT'S SO EXCITING

♪ WARNING, WARNING,
DON'T FLY A KITE ♪

♪ LYRIC STORM
AND BEAT IS FRIGHTENING ♪

♪ FRIGHTENING

[cash register dings]

- ♪ YEAH, TMC BACK, BITCHES

♪ YEAH, LESS MONEY,
MORE PROBLEMS ♪

♪ I'M ABOUT
TO START RAPPING IT ♪

♪

♪ YO, AIN'T PAID MY CABLE BILL
IN 15 MONTHS ♪

♪ THE ATM SAYS
I HAVE INSUFFICIENT FUNDS ♪

♪ MY MONEY PROBLEMS
ARE REALLY STRESSING ME OUT ♪

♪ DAY AND NIGHT, YEAH,
IT'S ALL THAT I THINK ABOUT ♪

♪ I LOOK FOR MONEY
IN THE CUSHIONS OF MY COUCH ♪

♪ ME AND BILL GATES
AIN'T GOT NOTHING IN COMMON ♪

♪ TO SAVE MONEY
I'M EATING THAT TOP RAMEN ♪

♪ GOT LESS POSSESSIONS
THAN THE DALAI LAMA ♪

♪ I'M MORE BROKE
THAN JENNA JAMESON'S HYMEN ♪

♪ GOT NO CHECKS COMING IN,
AND MY LIFE IS HELL ♪

♪ I'M HANDING OUT I.O.U.s
AT FUCKING TACO BELL ♪

♪ GOT NO CASH AND THINGS
ARE GOING FUCKING AWRY ♪

♪ EVERY NIGHT I PRAY
THAT MY RICH UNCLE WILL DIE ♪

- WHAT?

- ♪ WENT TO A HOOKER
WHO LOOKED LIKE ROBERT DE NIRO ♪

♪ SHE WANTED 30 BUCKS FOR SEX

♪ I WAS LIKE,
"HOW ABOUT ZERO?" ♪

♪ WE'RE STEALING INTERNET

♪ FROM MY NEIGHBOR BJORN

♪ HE MOVED, NOW I CAN'T
LOOK AT ONLINE PORN ♪

- BOO!

- ♪ NO MORE PORN,
I JERK OFF TO GLAMOUR♪

♪ GOING BANKRUPT
FASTER THAN MC HAMMER ♪

♪ USED TO STEAL FROM TARGET
BUT NOW THEY'RE ONTO ME ♪

♪ PUFFING SO MUCH WEED
I SHOULD MOVE TO HANALEI ♪

♪ LOSING MAD SLEEP
DUE TO THIS FUCKED-UP ECONOMY ♪

- ♪ I GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY
AND MY MONEY ON MY MIND ♪

- ♪ AT THE CLUB
MY CREDIT CARD GETS DECLINED ♪

- ♪ GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY
AND MY MONEY ON MY MIND ♪

- ♪ SO POOR CAN'T EVEN
AFFORD TO SPEND TIME ♪

- ♪ GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY
AND MY MONEY ON MY MIND ♪

- ♪ YEAH, SECOND VERSE,
IT ONLY GETS WORSE ♪

♪ LISTEN UP, BITCHES

♪ I'M ABOUT
TO START RAPPING AGAIN ♪

♪ YEAH

♪ MY CREDIT'S A JOKE,
I GOT MAD MONEY GRIPES ♪

♪ OWE MORE BACK TAXES
THAN WESLEY SNIPES ♪

♪ OTHER DAY SOMEONE ASKED ME
HOW WAS MY PORTFOLIO ♪

♪ I SAID GOOD
EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ WHAT THE FUCK IS A PORTFOLIO

♪ MY FUNDS ARE RETARDED
LIKE CUBA GOODING IN RADIO♪

♪ CAN'T AFFORD HEALTH INSURANCE
BUT THAT'S OKAY, YO ♪

♪ WHEN I GET A FEVER
I PRAY IT GOES AWAY, YO ♪

♪ I WENT TO A CHATEAU,
BUT I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH DOUGH ♪

♪ SO I WENT TO THE BATHROOM,
CLIMBED OUT THE WINDOW ♪

♪ COLLECTORS ON MY ASS
ABOUT MY STUDENT LOAN ♪

♪ WHEN THEY CALL MY PHONE
I SAY THAT TOM AIN'T HOME ♪

- HELLO.

- ♪ DON'T EVEN TRY TO FUCK
WITH MY MONEY, HOMES ♪

♪ I'LL DROP YOUR ASS FASTER

♪ THAN THE FUCKING DOW JONES

♪ DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO BUY
OR EVEN LEASE ♪

♪ LAST WEEK I BORROWED A DOLLAR
FROM MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD NIECE ♪

- DAMN.
- ♪ DIDN'T PAY HER BACK

♪ AND HER MOM'S IRATE

♪ AND GOT 99 PROBLEMS
THEY'RE ALL MONEY RELATED ♪

- ♪ GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY
AND MY MONEY ON MY MIND ♪

- ♪ CAN'T GET AN APARTMENT
WITHOUT A COSIGN ♪

- ♪ GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY
AND MY MONEY ON MY MIND ♪

- ♪ BEEN BOUNCING MAD CHECKS
AND NOW I'M GETTING FINED ♪

- ♪ GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY
AND MY MONEY ON MY MIND ♪

- ♪ ON A DATE WITH ME
YOU WON'T GET WINED OR DINED ♪

- ♪ GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY
AND MY MONEY ON MY MIND ♪

- ♪ AND MY SISTER
PAYS MY CELL PHONE BILL ♪

♪ YEAH, BITCHES,
I'M BROKE AS FUCK IN THIS SHIT ♪

♪ YEAH, IF YOU FEEL ME, THROW
YOUR FOOD STAMPS IN THE AIR ♪

- ♪ THE MORE PROBLEMS WE SEE

- ♪ YEAH, THINGS AREN'T GOING
THAT WELL FOR ME RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ YO, SO DON'T STEAL
THIS TRACK ♪

♪ I NEED THE MONEY,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ♪

♪ YEAH, IF I SEE YOUR ASS

♪ I'LL BORROW A DOLLAR
AND NOT PAY IT BACK ♪

♪ I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD
TO PAY THE DUDE ♪

♪ THAT'S RECORDING THIS TRACK

[music stops]

- WAIT. WHAT?

- OH, I'M SORRY.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

- JUST GET OUT OF HERE, MAN.

- DO YOU VALIDATE PARKING,
BY ANY CHANCE?

♪ NOW LET ME TELL
ALL YOU FOOLS ONE THING ♪

♪ I GOT BAD KNEES,
SO I WON'T BE KRUMPING ♪

♪ WALKING UP STAIRS
GETS MY HEART PUMPING ♪

♪ I GUESS IT'S JUST
BECAUSE I'M 30-SOMETHING ♪

♪ I GET HEARTBURN
WHEN I EAT FOOD THAT'S SPICY ♪

♪ I'M RIGHT ON THE VERGE
HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS ♪

♪ MY FAVORITE ACTOR
IS ANDRE BRAUGHER ♪

♪ I'M AFRAID OF TEENS
ON THE TRAIN DURING RUSH HOUR ♪

♪ I LIKE TO WATCH JEOPARDY
WHILE DRINKING WHISKEY SOURS ♪

♪ EVERY MORNING I LOSE HAIR
IN THE FUCKING SHOWER ♪

♪ TALKING ABOUT POLITICS
GETS ME REALLY ANTSY ♪

♪ EVERYBODY'S TELLING ME
I NEED A FIANCEE ♪

♪ STARTING TO READ BOOKS
WRITTEN BY TOM CLANCY ♪

♪ WHEN A MOVIE'S TOO LOUD
I GET REALLY ANNOYED ♪

♪ I HAVE TO WORRY NOW
ABOUT THINGS LIKE HEMORRHOIDS ♪

♪ LACTOSE INTOLERANT
SO MILK I DO AVOID ♪

♪ TAKING PILLS TO HELP ME
WITH MY THYROID ♪

♪ TEENAGE GIRLS ARE STARTING
TO CALL ME SIR ♪

♪ AND PAINS IN MY JOINTS
ARE STARTING TO OCCUR ♪

♪ ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MOVING
WAY OUT TO THE 'BURBS ♪

♪ AND MY MOTHERFUCKING 20s
ARE A TOTAL BLUR ♪

♪ ON MY LIFE
I'M NOW STARTING TO REFLECT ♪

♪ AND EVERY SIX MONTHS I HAVE
TO GET MY PROSTATE CHECKED ♪

♪ HIGH CHOLESTEROL
SO I CAN'T EAT BACON ♪

♪ WHEN I SIT, YEAH,
MY LOWER BACK STARTS ACHING ♪

♪ GET ACID INDIGESTION
WHEN I EAT A GYRO ♪

♪ STARTING TO FREAK OUT
ABOUT TURNING BIG FOUR-ZERO ♪

♪ ZERO, ZERO, ZERO