Adult Life Skills (2016) - full transcript
Anna is stuck: she's approaching 30, living like a hermit in her mum's garden shed and wondering why the suffragettes ever bothered. She spends her days making videos using her thumbs as actors - thumbs that bicker about things like whether Yogi Bear is a moral or existential nihilist. But Anna doesn't show these videos to anyone and no one knows what they are for. A week before her birthday her Mum serves her an ultimatum - she needs to move out of the shed, get a haircut that doesn't put her gender in question and stop dressing like a homeless teenager. Naturally, Anna tells her Mum to "back the f-off". However, when her school friend comes to visit, Anna's self-imposed isolation becomes impossible to maintain. Soon she is entangled with a troubled eight year old boy obsessed with Westerns, and the local estate agent whose awkward interpersonal skills continually undermine his attempts to seduce her.
This is Houston. We're
about to lose radio contact.
This is Houston. We're
about to lose radio contact.
This is Houston. We're
about to lose radio contact.
-Wake up! Wake up!
-What?!
- I can't sleep. - For fuck's sake.
- We've lost communication.
- If I can't communicate with people I love,
what does that mean? - Peace and quiet.
- Do I exist?
- Oh my God.
-Do you believe in God?
-For fuck's sake, what time is it?!
-Are we going to crash into the sun?
-Probably. -Like Icarus.
No, Icarus' downfall was due to
hubris. Excessive pride.
- I wonder what my downfall is?
- Being an dick?
Are you making a video?
No...
I see the laptop screen.
Get to bed.
You looked like
death-warmed-up earlier.
Marion, have you looked
in the mirror lately?
- Stay out of this, Mom. - There's
a hair on your chin I could swing on!
What are you looking at?
Fucking hell!
Anna!
Get out!
-I'm late!
-I don't care!
-Didn't you use to live in a commune?
-Yes, but we didn't shower together.
-Is it too much to ask to get dressed before you leave the house?
-I haven't left the house.
If you two don't get out of here in 5
seconds I will pull back this curtain.
Oh my god, what is that?!
-Mom!
Five, four.
There is post for you.
-Three.
-I don't care.
-Two.
Can we have a chat about your birthday tonight?
-One!
Oh my God, mom!
Sorry..
-You look like you're lactating.
-You need to be having sex for that.
Is work interfering with
Maggie's sun tan regime?
She called me at half-7 to tell
me about her fungal infection.
-This is not the week for her to be off sick.
-What's with the moles?
They want us to keep a record of
how many new ones come up every day.
Something about old
people tripping over them.
Excuse me ladies,
I just found this outside.
Sometimes I wish the
suffragettes hadn't bothered.
Hello. You're a bit
late for work, are you?
- My boss is away this week. I've got
the office to myself. - You lucky git.
I've got something for you.
Shit!
It had arms and a face.
If I sent a photo, you might
think that I just googled it.
But now I'm standing here
holding an old man's dick.
- How's the book going?
- Yeah, it's good.
What's it about again?
It's about a cat who goes away.
They wonder where the cat's gone ...
-Are you the cat?
-No, I'm not the cat.
-Have you been washing up?
-I've got a wet bra on.
I thought you'd been
dipping them in your tea.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Who are we?
Billy and Anna are twins who grew
up in the arse end of nowhere.
Yorkshire, Yorkshire!
They spend their days like any radicals
on the fringe of society would.
Dressing up like TV
detectives from the 1970s.
-and imagining they
were in the A-Team.
... in 1972 a crack commando
unit was sent to prison ...
It was a happy time. Where
dreams of the future were forged.
As far back as I can remember,
I've always wanted to be ...
As far back as I can remember,
I've always wanted to be ...
You gotta be kidding?
As far back as I can remember,
I've always wanted to ...
After narrowly avoiding being beaten up
their nan explained a painful home truth:
It's a thin line between a
maverick artistic genius
or just some arsehole that
everyone finds annoying.
Astonished by the insight of this advance, the
twins forged a creative vision to help others
-and thus "How To Live!" ...
Stick the kettle up.
Do you know what happened
to the microwave?
Whose is that?
Anna, this is my new
hairdresser. Luke.
-She doesn't always look this bedraggled
-I think you look great.
You're clearly blind, Luke. I still
have spots of gray hair as well.
-Don't be like that, don't walk off. He'll give you a nice haircut.
-Brilliant, mum, but I'm busy.
Sorry, Luke. Anna!
-You're being rude.
-I've got work to do!
-What are you busy working on? I hope
you're not making those bloody film videos.
You look like a homeless teenager. You should have a dog on a piece of string.
-Some men like women who aren't making an effort.
You don't look like you haven't made an
effort; You look like you can't afford to.
You want to have a go at me as well?
What do you think about my hair cut?
It not as bad as the one that is immortalized in
your passport where your gender is in question.
Anna. I'm trying to do something
constructive for your welfare.
-Bon Jovi is still here.
-Don't shut the door. We're not finished!
-Anna. Just come and have a cup of tea.
-I'm working.
Mum!
-Mum. Calm down, Marion.
Don't tell me to calm down.
It can't go on.
18 months in a shed is too much.
Let's not row now, please.
-You said you'd be out by now.
-I didn't, you decided I would.
-You need to get on with things. You're gonna be 30 next week.
-Getting on with what? Getting a boyfriend?
Well yeah, if it stops you moping
around, making them bloody film videos.
Well fine. You talk to her.
What your mom is
trying to say...
-It's not normal living in my shed at your age.
-Well you live with your mum and you're well old.
She just means it's time you
started doing things again.
- You can move into the house.
- No. I'm not doing that.
Let's start again. What your mom means,
you're not really living right now.
When I was your age I wanted
to have an adventure.
Oh sheesh! She doesn't need a
bloody adventure.
- Anna you need to move on. I think we need to
find you a nice flat nearby. - Good luck with that.
I mean it. I want you out of my shed
by your birthday. This ends now!
Do you want me to
look at your hair?
Anna, are you up?
Anna?
I was thinking. Should we just
do a show for your birthday?
Westlife plays around the Civic.
We should book it now, if you want
to. Maybe go to a restaurant ...
Anna. It's still your
birthday you know!
- Were you up all night watching
"Grease" on the telly? - No. Were you?
-My mom had it on.
-Oh aye, my mom had it on.
Have you seen "Grease"?
-Yes.
At the end he comes on in a
white coat, dressed like her.
And she turn up in black,
just like him.
He just takes off his coat, like
yeah, we'll just dress like me then.
It's not even a discussion. Like
maybe they could dress like her.
I know it's the 50s, but that's
everyday sexism, gone mad.
-There's 21.
-How do you know that?
I like counting.
If we were ancient Greeks, I'd be like
Apollo. Like all rational and a bit anal.
But you would be exciting
and arty, like Dionysus.
Dionysus is the good one.
Most people want to be Dionysus.
Bye.
Alice, you did classics, right?
Who was Dionysus?
A sex-obsessed pisser. You shouldn't
personify the moles, you know.
Hello, kids club!
You have to take your hat off.
You need to take your hat off.
Please, do not use use the oars as weapons.
I repeat, do not use the oars as weapons.
-Little shit...
-The mic's still on!
What the hell?
Are you trying to kill me?
Marion, you have my cup of tea?
Marion?
It's next door's daughter and her little
boy. Guess that means there's not long now.
-Hi! When did you get back?
-Yesterday.
I've got to wait 2 weeks for my flat, so I thought I'd
come home. Get my sister to do my washing. Show off my tan.
-How are you feeling?
-Yeah, good. A bit jetlagged.
Mensies surging out of me,
as usual.
-Fucking hell, you're living in here?
-Yeah, I just needed some space.
There is not a lot
of space in here.
You remember, you, me and Billy
used to make dens in here?
Your mother would turn off the electricity,
to get us to come in for our tea.
It's so weird being back. I can't get
used to it. Being in the sun every day.
I've been really good about wearing sun cream
though, so I don't think I've got any skin damage.
Hi Patrick. How are you? Yeah,
you're right, I have lost weight.
So, I've got something for you.
You're gonna be 30.
- What are we gonna do for it then?
We gotta do something! - Why?
Why don't we have a happy
un-birthday night. It will be fun!
- You're still mkaing your videos?
- No. I needed to renew the domain name.
- Do you wanna watch "Rocky"?
- Yes!
I've got it downloaded.
- I've missed you.
- I've missed you.
Two minutes!
- Hi. Are you OK?
- Yeah!
-Your mom came into the office. You're looking for a flat?
-God, my mum can just fuck off!
-I like your badges. What is the green one for?
-I don't know.
I think we should get badges
for adult life skills.
You know like changing a car tire, or sowing,
or sending something back in a restaurant.
-Is that Brendan Myers? Since when did he move back?
-He's come back to write his masterpiece.
What the hell are you wearing?
-You're looking for faeces?
-Yeah.
You are very good at spotting them. Maybe
you could get a badge for looking for faeces.
Show your lunch box, Linford!
Hiya, Brendan. How are you doing you big sexy beast? Your
buttocks are like glistening orbs in the morning dew.
Sorry to interrupt
for objectifying you.
You do realize Anna's sitting and peeing? Do
you not see the steam? Maybe give her a tissue.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
There are nettles down there so be careful.
You do not want a nettle on your fanny.
You're a bully.
-Does he still love the Spice Girls?
He's a lot taller than I remember.
Not that that actually means anything.
I learned this after a very disappointing
encounter with a basket player.
It has nothing to do with height,
or feet or anything like that.
There were these Korean guys, and they measured them
and found it is all in the second and fourth digits.
So the key is,
look at a guy's hands.
Listen to me, otherwise you're gonna end up with
some nice guy who's got a poor digital ratio
-and your vagina is never
going to forgive you.
So you've already bumped
into the prodigal one?
Yeah, what are you doing here?
-Saving the day. I'm helping her out with the kids company.
You're dressed accordingly.
-Yes.
-That's just not appropriate footwear
-I'm Miss Scarlet. This is my contemporary interpretation.
I'm getting into my past,
Stanislavski style.
-Do you think Stanislavski wore porn shoes?
-They're your porn shoes.
Fuck!
Hang on! I need you to play the victim.
-What?
-So you're with anyone?
-Only in the mirror.
Maybe you should become a
lesbian. It would quite suit you.
I think you should get more
in touch with yourself.
-Try yoga, meditation ...
-Stop! No!
You promised that when you came
back you wouldn't be wanker.
Well if you'd come with me like you
were supposed to, you'd be a wanker too.
-That doesn't make any sense.
-This is taking ages.
-Because you're such a fat fucking bitch.
-Come on.
Look. Come on.
I want you to survey the scene.
Something is wrong.
Things don't add up.
Look at the people. How are they
behaving? What are they hiding?
How do they give
themselves away?
She's alive. Case solved.
-It's only a game.
-A rubbish one.
Right! Let's go and
interview Miss Scarlet.
Then we're gonna look at a capsule
of information about the victim.
-You look like Clint Eastwood.
-My name is Clint.
- Very funny.
- Why?
- You serious? - Yeah. My dad is a cowboy.
He blows buildings up with dynamite.
- Like a re-enacter? - Yeah, that's
what I wanna do when I grow up.
Do you want to see the fastest
gunslinger in the West?
- Did you see it?
- You didn't do it.
- No, it's a joke.
- It's not funny.
- One.
- Four. - Two. - Four.
- Three.
- Four.
-Four.
-Four.
- Six.
- Four. Four, four, four.
Fourteen.
-Oh my God! Oh my God!
-What the fuck's up with you?
- We're gonna hit the sun. - Fucking
hell. You need to read "On the beach".
It's about people awaiting the arrival of deadly radiation.
And how they're dealing with their impending death.
They just went on, had picnics and did gardening
and stuff. Basically you need a goal. Like Rocky.
Rocky trains to win the fight, and in doing it, he regains
self respect. Makes peace with the person he'll never become.
- Adrian says it in "Rocky 3".
- When she finally grows a pair.
When she wears that great corral lipstick. -When she's finally
given some lines.- When she wears that nice necklace.
What are you doing, you nutter? You need to look after
this little dude, cause he's driving the other kids mental.
- Can you stop that?
- I'm bored.
Why don't you draw
her a picture.
No, I'm not drawing a picture. People will look
at it and see what my feelings are doing inside.
Well why don't you draw
her a flower. Or a rainbow.
Can I have one?
You missed a bit.
You missed another bit.
And there.
-Don't say anything.
-What on earth have you been doing. Come here.
Mum! That is rank!
I can not believe it!
Doesn't she look fun? Fantastic.
Mind your fingers.
Your face is so slim now,
I can't get over it.
Thanks. Yeah, I got dysentery
when I was in India. It was great.
-When do you go back to London and start work?
-Actually I'm gonna have a bit of a career change.
I got into a real energized headspace. I'll
be a choreographer and be a yoga teacher.
-I'm rebooting.
-It is a good time to make a fresh start.
Anna's problem is that her childhood ambition was
to be rescued by David Hasselhoff of Baywatch.
-I wanted to be David Hasselhoff.
-If that isn't the cause of an existential crisis, I don't know what is.
-Anna need a way to motivate herself.
-I can hear you!
Annas's got ways to motivate herself. She
just thinks of Patrick Swayze topless.
Not in "Point Break".
That makes me wanna vomit.
Why can't you be
more like Fiona?
-What? Go away for 2 years and shack up with a fat South-African?
-No, I didn't mean that.
-She's just focused, isn't she?
-Leave her alone.
Anna's just having a little
think about what she wants.
-What I want is for you to leave me alone.
-Well I'll leave you alone, while you look around this.
What?
-I never thought you'd move back here permanently.
-Well, you have.
Not permanently,
only while I write my book.
-I changed it again, now it's about
this ballet dancer... ... Is that you?
Have you had a look around?
-Yes. And it made me want to slit my forehead and bleed all over the floor.
It's like a contraceptive made
of chipboard and pebbledash.
If she moves in here,
her hymen will grow back.
-What does it always have to be about sex?
-Cause everything is about sex.
I'm gonna put you on the internet, and find a
Neanderthal that'll blow out the cobwebs in ...
I'm not moving out until I've worked
out what I'm doing. So back off.
You said that five months ago.
Time's up.
Bye.
See you.
How do you know what
you want in life?
Listen to your heart. Your
heart will tell you what to do.
I can't listen to my heart. It tells me things like:
You like "X Factor" more than you care to admit.
And: Consider a perm.
I know what I want.
-Oh yeah. What?
-A girlfriend.
-You're not gonna find one down here.
-Come down here and give me a hand.
-I will not come down until my demands are met.
You'll wait a long time then.
-What are you doing?
-Accelerating the cycle of life.
You can't just move them nearby. They have a strong homing
instinct. They'll come back. I saw it on "Baywatch".
"Spring Watch", Mother.
-Stop following me.
-No, he's going with you.
That's my cowboy horse.
Twenty-five. Twenty-six.
Twenty seven. Twenty-eight.
I think I'm gonna be like you
when I am growing older.
That's nice.
It was a nice compliment.
I meant sad and angry all
the time, after my mom dies.
I'm not sad and
angry all the time.
-No friends, then.
I have got friends!
Okay.
Living with your nan, then.
If you take your walkie-talkie
home, we can talk at night.
How many moles are there?
-29.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-How are you doing? -Good. -Nice
bike. -Thank you.
-How are things going?
-Good, yeah good. I'm on my way to the supermarket.
-7:30. So life is good.
-So precise.
-I don't like it when there are children there.
-Naturally. Yeah.
Anna's just gone to the bar to get us a
drink. Do you wanna join us for a pint?
No. I did not know you
were with Anna.
-Why are you being weird.
-I'm not being weird.
-Oh my God, do you like her?
-No.
-I thought you...?
-You thought what? Why does everyone think I'm gay?
I have a soft voice and
I wore pink shorts once.
Hey, Anna.
-See you later.
-Nice to see you.
We're going to a club
on Saturday! Join us!
-I just had the weirdest conversation with Brendan.
-Nothing new there. It's like the "Wickerman" in there.
It can't be worse than being at home. Honestly
I can really see why you stay around here.
Such a cultured place. That's
what dreams are all about.
I dream of making a perfect lasagne.
-That's quite an achievable dream for like seven quid.
I did a Thai cooking class.
I can make a Thai curry from
scratch. Pad thai, egg fried rice.
Egg fried rice is Chinese. It
was a real cheap cooking class.
Anna.
Are you there?
Hello? Hello?
-How long have we been doing this?
-567 days.
We'll just do the same every day. And then
we die. Do you think that makes us ...
-Like John McClane in the "Die Hard" films?
-Sisyphus.
He was condemned to repeat the same task. Pushing a rock
up a mountain only to see it roll down again. Forever.
We have to imagine we're bigger than our fate.
-Blowing up this spaceship would mean that we are bigger than our fate.
-I have no idea what you're on about.
-Albert Camus' myth of Sisyphus.
Was he a goal keeper? You need to lighten up. You
need to stop listening to depressing hippie music.
Start listening to Whitesnake.
Here I go again on my own
There, yes, my friend.
Clint's staying here tonight.
His mum's in hospital.
Can we tidy up please?
-Why can't he sleep in the house?
-You don't.
Is this clean?
Is that your brother?
Yeah, that is Billy.
-Is he dead in the photo?
-No! He's sun bathing.
He looks dead.
Was it fun being a twin?
She finds it hard
to talk about Billy.
The sad thing is that he is
dead. Not talking about him.
-You left him alone in there?
-Grow up.
-Where's his nan?
-At the hospital.
Well where's his dad? He's doing
some controlled demolition somewhere.
I made that for him.
Guided meditation for real men
who aren't into hippie shit.
Number 16: Sheds.
Man! Stop what you're doing!
This is your time.
There's nothing you have to do
now apart from friggin rest.
Close your eyes.
Noone is going to hit you.
Imagine you're in a shed.
A shed with adequate shelving, and nothing
touching the ground where it can get damp.
Or imagine you are building
a dam in a river -
a brilliant dam, where all the rocks fit together
perfectly and no bastard water gets through.
Tell me when I to start.
-Muscle lady, designed for building dams.
I ran out of rocks.
There's meant to be no water getting through there,
and that basically looks like most of the water is.
I am a man of many talents.
Take it!
I want to do a stunt...
Is that you and Billy?
Do not touch my tapes.
They are precious.
Nan made you this.
- Have you got a teddy?
- No.
Have you got a doll or a lion?
Pass us your pillow.
- What was that video for?
- Just fun.
- Why did the picture stop at the end?
- It is not finished.
- Are there any more?
- Yeah. Loads. We had a website.
We made videos that were bad instruction
guides for coping with things in life.
Is this Billy's?
No, it's mine.
-Why do you have your hair in a pot?
-It is from just after he died.
Your body is made up of
millions of cells.
I've read somewhere that all your
cells are replaced after a few years.
So every day I am less and less the
person I was when I was with him.
One day there will be nothing physically
left of me from when he was here.
-So I cut of my hair ...
-Can I look at the website?
Guided meditation for real men
who aren't into hippie shit.
Number 3: Cowboys!
Imagine that you are on a horse, let's call it Tony.
You're with your mates, and they are all straight.
But you're drinking beer in a way
that makes women want you. Gulp! Gulp!
Where have my shoelaces gone?
This is for you. It's God.
Good morning. Wakey, wakey!
Oh you're up? I've got to
get you to the hospital.
Anna, I want all this sorted.
We're gonna look at a flat later.
-I want to tell her about the boat we made at school.
-Tell her about it later. She's not going anywhere.
-I come around tonight.
-Come on, I'll get you breakfast.
We're gonna hit the sun in three
days. Have you got a teddy bear?
No. They'll give you no comfort now anyway. All teddy
bears are nihilists. The question is existential or moral.
Let's go.
The majority have no concept of the
self. so could be considered the former.
Yogi Bear was a moral nihilist, stealing all those
picnics. With no consideration of the conseqences.
-Anna, I mean it!
That won't help.
Stop being so bloody
sanctimonious.
-What are you doing? They don't go there.
-Are you moral authority on this?
Every knows you put the mugs on the top shelf. You
line them up between the prongs, not over them.
Don't you write me
a job description.
Anna,
get yourself out here right now.
What shall I do with this?
Up my ass?
Fuck off.
Anna, I think you should know, that
despite claiming maturity, your mother...
-just mimed the words
"Fuck off" to me.
You can't get angry with people for
not behaving the way you would, Marion.
Only a sociopath would put
mugs on the lower shelf.
I'm not talking
about the dishwasher.
Marion, don't lose them both.
-You didn't have to do that. I'm not 9.
-Stop behaving like it then.
Can you not text and drive.
My life is in your hands.
You are assuming that I am not
trying to kill you, Marion.
Council toilet block looks
salubrious by comparison.
-You got anything else we can look at?
-Not within your specifications, I'm afraid.
-Perhaps you should consider lowering your expectations.
-Or I could just give up on life completely.
I can't imagine her bringing someone back here. Are
there any woman in the world shagging less than us.
-Do not use that word.
-Fucking?
-I cannot believe you're my mother?
-Let's get a blood test.
-Sorry.
-It's all right.
Have you thought about Brendan?
He is quite hunky.
Define hunk, Marion. I don't think
anyone's been hunky since 1965.
-Brendan is gay.
-I don't think that's necessarily a problem.
It would be healthy for you to be
emotionally involved wth someone.
Emotionally involved? Are we in
"Pride and Prejudice" now?
It would be good to develop
a bond.
-You did not give Luke a chance.
-Jesus, Marion, the hairdresser? Have you gone completely mad?
I can't stand a man who wears Ugg boots.
-I thought they look quite cozy.
Cozy? Anna does not need cozy.
She needs a man with arms
chiseled out of granite.
that can chuck her across the
bedroom. It's what all women want.
A monosyllabic lumberjack with
an artistic streak.
-Don't put a lot on.
-I'm not! I just defining your cheekbones.
I've seen it on my tutorial. You
can make really fat faces look slim.
I haven't got a fat face.
Deceptive. My face is five
times bigger than this.
What the hell is that?
Clint did it. It is God as a cowboy
sitting on a horse, on a cloud.
-The kid has got issues. I like that he does
stuff and is not worried about what people think.
You mean he's a little shit.
-He's not scared of messing up.
If he wasn't 7 I'd say
you have a crush on him.
-You're kiddin?!
-I need to rub it in more.
-I look like Adam Ant.
-It'll look much better at the club.
-I feel like getting hammered.
-Come on let's buy some booze.
What? We embrace restraint
whilst getting wasted.
My challenge: If you can get a bloke to say the
word "period", without meaning anything historical,
-then you have to snog him.
Shit. I do not have my phone.
Sorry.
Two seconds.
It's really cold. It gonna make
my nipples stand out.
Let's have a look.
-It didn't work.
-Come on.
Oh my God, that's my mum's
hairdresser, Luke. Don't engage.
Hi, Luke.
-Hello.
-I like your hair. Very 80s.
Bit of double-denim
for the ladies?
If I give you money, can you get us some
booze? We're having a teenage night out.
Is it fancy-dress?
You look like Mumm-Ra.
Can you get us some booze or not? or?
-You're serious?
Get us some alcopops or cider. Something
that looks radioactive. Thanks.
I would not want him cutting my hair.
You reckon he straightens his mullet?
-What are you doing? You can't leave
like that. I didn't know where you were.
You could have told me. And that
cab just cost me 40 quid.
-40?
-I know.
I didn't think you cared as you just
had your tongue down someone's throat.
-You're still wasted.
-Whose fault is that?
Sorry for trying to give you a good night
out. I been trying to make you smile again.
Well you fucked that up,
haven't you?
-Did you lock my shed?
-What? Yeah ... I can't remember. Why?
My videos and my camera have been stolen.
-Are you sure?
-Of course I'm fucking sure! You can't have locked it.
-I don't think someone's gonna take your videos.
That just sums you up that you're so
self-absorbed. It's always about you.
Oh my God. You make out like you're
the only one that knew Billy.
-Bullshit.
-You're not the only one who loved him, you know.
Since when did you love him? You think
some snog on a school trip counts?
I'm talking about your mum and your
nan. Fuck you, of course I loved him.
Fuck you!
Anna! May I tell you about that
boat we made at school?
-What are you wearing?
-It shrunk in the wash.
What the fuck,
that's my brother's!
-You should not swear.
-You should not steal things!
Your nan gave me that.
Was your nan an astronaut?
-Did your nan go up into space?
-No. Does your mom know you're up at the crack of dawn?
She is in hospital.
You should get back to bed.
Are you hung over?
What do you think?
It could be really nice.
Come on, sweet heart.
Is it about the jumper?
-Anna, please don't ignore me.
-Are you OK, love?
Someone's been in my shed.
My videos have been stolen.
-You might find them if you tidied up.
-Stop it! What do you want me to do, live in an empty box?
-This is a lovely empty box, Brendan, thank you.
-You're welcome.
-You coming, love?
-I'm gonna go for a walk.
I'm thinking of quitting.
It's not really for me.
You are not very good at it.
-What are you looking at? It was
"love" written on the pavement
I took a picture of it,
but now I can't find it.
Maybe you are looking in the wrong place.
-I'm not.
How is your period?
Don't ask that?
Why would I say that?
I said it because Fiona told me to ask
you. She thought you'd be impressed.
But it felt wrong,
instinctively. I hate Fiona.
Fiona is your worst mate!
This is Fiona's voice mail.
Leave a message.
-Don't you fucking dare!
-What's going on?
If these are broken, I will fucking kill
you. These are really fucking expensive!
-Everything I ever had, she just broke it.
-You psycho bitch!
I'm taking the cost of that
laminator out of your wages.
You always insisted on laminating
everything. She laminated my degrees.
-Laminate this.
-If you stay around here, you turn into that.
-You know if you shat yourself,
you'd blame it on someone else.
You laminated pictures
of Robert Pattinson.
- It was not Robert Pattinson! - Why
did you need it laminated? That is vile!
What are you getting on it?
Fluids?!
- I laminated it for her.
- What? I do not like Robert Pattinson.
- It was not Robert fucking Pattinson!
- All right!
Should have known you two were in this together.
Get you and your diseased vagina out of my house!
- Are you OK?
- They have killed them.
Humanely though, with these tablets that
turn into gas. They don't feel anything.
They are not in those traps. The
traps are only if it doesn't work.
- So they're just dead underneath this?
- They were undermining the foundations.
So I'll go walking around on
dead moles every day at work now?
- Are you OK?
- No. Everyone is angry with me.
- Because you don't like the flats?
- No cause I turn 30 in 2 days, and I live in a shed.
And I make videos with
my thumbs.
- You're weird, aren't you? I like it.
- Noone wants to be liked for being weird, Brendan.
I can objectify you,
if you want.
I like your pale skin, your messy
hair and your smooth forehead.
- Are you doing an inventory? - Sometimes it
helps to apply logic to emotional situations.
I once did a cost-benefit analysis of a
relationship, to see if it was worth pursuing.
She dumped me before
I could finish it.
- She?
- For fuck's sake, I'm not gay!
I like girls. Like you.
Weird girls.
But you always used to throw pebbles at
me when we were walking home from school.
Yes,
because I wanted to fuck you.
Do it now.
Do it now.
Here.
No.
Where are you going?
Are you okay?
Clint.
You come for bed now.
I've got a nice story for you.
What?
Don't go crackers, Marion.
Keep a lid on it.
What on earth is going on?
Anna!
Calm down, Marion. I'm calm.
- Anna.
- What's up?
What do you mean? Nothing,
everything is fine. Perfectly normal.
I just fancied
sleeping in a tent.
Get out! Bloody, get out!
- Let go, mum.
- No, you let go!
Will you just stop it!
- I have had enough.
- Can I tell you about that boat?
Morning.
Somebody's special day tomorrow?
Get out of the way.
- Mum!
- Marion! Stop it.
I've had enough of this.
Get out!
Oh my God.
- Anna?
- I can feel them.
- What are you doing?
- There's spiders on me.
- Go inside, Clint.
- I need to tell her about that boat.
- Not now, sweetheart.
- It is important.
Fine, fine.
Show me the fucking boat!
You little thief!
This stuff makes
you look ridiculous!
- What's happened to your hair, darling?
- She did it!
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, it's in your box.
I knew you were sad and
angry all the time!
Maybe I didn't want to tell you that what's
happening to your mum, will fuck up your life -
and you will never
be happy again!
What's up with you?
Nothing.
Okay.
I want to be alone.
You are alone.
Can something exist elsewhere
after it's stopped existing here?
- Like a parallel universe?
- Like a website.
I don't know.
- Are there parallel universes?
- They don't know what's out there.
- I know one thing that is
not out there. - What is it?
Me.
Hello. I was just
calling on you.
What are you reading?
It's a pact me and Billy made.
We were forming an alliance to last for decades, then
we were going to meet up in our 70, and kill each other.
- That's sweet.
- Yeah...
I should go home.
I brought this for you.
I was gonna get you flowers, but
I was worried they'd die, so...
- Brendan.
- Yes.
Am I still a twin if
my twin's dead?
Technically...
... I don't think so. No.
Mum?
Mum?
You have one new message.
First new message.
Anna, Clint's been missing all
day. We need to find him.
We're all out looking for him.
Clint.
Clint?
Clint.
Can you hear me, mate?
Clint. Can you hear me?
Clint!
Clint?
Clint!
Clint!
Clint!
Clint!
Clint!
Clint!
Clint!
- I've really fucked up.
- Because you've shrunk my jumper?
- I thought he'd be here?
- He'll come.
What if he doesn't?
- What if something's happened,
it'd be all my fault. - Don't be daft!
I said some really shit things to him. I just want
to say that I'm sorry, but I don't know how.
- Yeah, you do.
- No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
No, i don't.
Who are you talking to?
- Noone!
- What are you looking at, then?
Nothing.
Ask him.
Go on. This is your chance.
- I don't want to.
- No, but you will.
I need you to blow up my shed.
Allright then.
- Can I tell you about the boat now?
- Yeah.
There was this man
who made a boat.
He kept sailing it and sailing it. Every time
he sailed it, it got old, it keeps breaking.
He keeps getting new bits,
every time it breaks.
Then one day he realized, there is nothing
left of the old boat. There was only new bits.
He thought in his head,
if it was the same boat.
- So what's the answer?
- There isn't one.
It's one of them questions
that you have to think about.
- What do you think?
- I do not know.
Is that your dam?
- Yeah.
- It is rubbish.
Cheers.
I got you this.
Can I have his bike instead?
Right, let's get you across.
I know what I wanna
do for my birthday.
I want Clint to blow up my shed.
Sorry.
You alright?
Anna. There is a young man
here to see you.
I'll leave you to it.
You can come in.
Nice shed.
It looks like Stanley Kubrik boxes. He used
to keep everything from his films in boxes.
Like meticulously.
All sorts of shit.
People said, it was a sign of
his genius, so ...
Let's just hope it doesn't mean you fuck up your
next film by denying the audience what they want.
- What do they want?
- To see Nicole Kidman's chumba-wumbas.
Did you actually just laugh at something I
said? And there was noone here to witness it.
That is annoying!
- I've got you a present.
- It's not a deformed carrot, is it?
No, it's not a deformed carrot.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
about to lose radio contact.
This is Houston. We're
about to lose radio contact.
This is Houston. We're
about to lose radio contact.
-Wake up! Wake up!
-What?!
- I can't sleep. - For fuck's sake.
- We've lost communication.
- If I can't communicate with people I love,
what does that mean? - Peace and quiet.
- Do I exist?
- Oh my God.
-Do you believe in God?
-For fuck's sake, what time is it?!
-Are we going to crash into the sun?
-Probably. -Like Icarus.
No, Icarus' downfall was due to
hubris. Excessive pride.
- I wonder what my downfall is?
- Being an dick?
Are you making a video?
No...
I see the laptop screen.
Get to bed.
You looked like
death-warmed-up earlier.
Marion, have you looked
in the mirror lately?
- Stay out of this, Mom. - There's
a hair on your chin I could swing on!
What are you looking at?
Fucking hell!
Anna!
Get out!
-I'm late!
-I don't care!
-Didn't you use to live in a commune?
-Yes, but we didn't shower together.
-Is it too much to ask to get dressed before you leave the house?
-I haven't left the house.
If you two don't get out of here in 5
seconds I will pull back this curtain.
Oh my god, what is that?!
-Mom!
Five, four.
There is post for you.
-Three.
-I don't care.
-Two.
Can we have a chat about your birthday tonight?
-One!
Oh my God, mom!
Sorry..
-You look like you're lactating.
-You need to be having sex for that.
Is work interfering with
Maggie's sun tan regime?
She called me at half-7 to tell
me about her fungal infection.
-This is not the week for her to be off sick.
-What's with the moles?
They want us to keep a record of
how many new ones come up every day.
Something about old
people tripping over them.
Excuse me ladies,
I just found this outside.
Sometimes I wish the
suffragettes hadn't bothered.
Hello. You're a bit
late for work, are you?
- My boss is away this week. I've got
the office to myself. - You lucky git.
I've got something for you.
Shit!
It had arms and a face.
If I sent a photo, you might
think that I just googled it.
But now I'm standing here
holding an old man's dick.
- How's the book going?
- Yeah, it's good.
What's it about again?
It's about a cat who goes away.
They wonder where the cat's gone ...
-Are you the cat?
-No, I'm not the cat.
-Have you been washing up?
-I've got a wet bra on.
I thought you'd been
dipping them in your tea.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Who are we?
Billy and Anna are twins who grew
up in the arse end of nowhere.
Yorkshire, Yorkshire!
They spend their days like any radicals
on the fringe of society would.
Dressing up like TV
detectives from the 1970s.
-and imagining they
were in the A-Team.
... in 1972 a crack commando
unit was sent to prison ...
It was a happy time. Where
dreams of the future were forged.
As far back as I can remember,
I've always wanted to be ...
As far back as I can remember,
I've always wanted to be ...
You gotta be kidding?
As far back as I can remember,
I've always wanted to ...
After narrowly avoiding being beaten up
their nan explained a painful home truth:
It's a thin line between a
maverick artistic genius
or just some arsehole that
everyone finds annoying.
Astonished by the insight of this advance, the
twins forged a creative vision to help others
-and thus "How To Live!" ...
Stick the kettle up.
Do you know what happened
to the microwave?
Whose is that?
Anna, this is my new
hairdresser. Luke.
-She doesn't always look this bedraggled
-I think you look great.
You're clearly blind, Luke. I still
have spots of gray hair as well.
-Don't be like that, don't walk off. He'll give you a nice haircut.
-Brilliant, mum, but I'm busy.
Sorry, Luke. Anna!
-You're being rude.
-I've got work to do!
-What are you busy working on? I hope
you're not making those bloody film videos.
You look like a homeless teenager. You should have a dog on a piece of string.
-Some men like women who aren't making an effort.
You don't look like you haven't made an
effort; You look like you can't afford to.
You want to have a go at me as well?
What do you think about my hair cut?
It not as bad as the one that is immortalized in
your passport where your gender is in question.
Anna. I'm trying to do something
constructive for your welfare.
-Bon Jovi is still here.
-Don't shut the door. We're not finished!
-Anna. Just come and have a cup of tea.
-I'm working.
Mum!
-Mum. Calm down, Marion.
Don't tell me to calm down.
It can't go on.
18 months in a shed is too much.
Let's not row now, please.
-You said you'd be out by now.
-I didn't, you decided I would.
-You need to get on with things. You're gonna be 30 next week.
-Getting on with what? Getting a boyfriend?
Well yeah, if it stops you moping
around, making them bloody film videos.
Well fine. You talk to her.
What your mom is
trying to say...
-It's not normal living in my shed at your age.
-Well you live with your mum and you're well old.
She just means it's time you
started doing things again.
- You can move into the house.
- No. I'm not doing that.
Let's start again. What your mom means,
you're not really living right now.
When I was your age I wanted
to have an adventure.
Oh sheesh! She doesn't need a
bloody adventure.
- Anna you need to move on. I think we need to
find you a nice flat nearby. - Good luck with that.
I mean it. I want you out of my shed
by your birthday. This ends now!
Do you want me to
look at your hair?
Anna, are you up?
Anna?
I was thinking. Should we just
do a show for your birthday?
Westlife plays around the Civic.
We should book it now, if you want
to. Maybe go to a restaurant ...
Anna. It's still your
birthday you know!
- Were you up all night watching
"Grease" on the telly? - No. Were you?
-My mom had it on.
-Oh aye, my mom had it on.
Have you seen "Grease"?
-Yes.
At the end he comes on in a
white coat, dressed like her.
And she turn up in black,
just like him.
He just takes off his coat, like
yeah, we'll just dress like me then.
It's not even a discussion. Like
maybe they could dress like her.
I know it's the 50s, but that's
everyday sexism, gone mad.
-There's 21.
-How do you know that?
I like counting.
If we were ancient Greeks, I'd be like
Apollo. Like all rational and a bit anal.
But you would be exciting
and arty, like Dionysus.
Dionysus is the good one.
Most people want to be Dionysus.
Bye.
Alice, you did classics, right?
Who was Dionysus?
A sex-obsessed pisser. You shouldn't
personify the moles, you know.
Hello, kids club!
You have to take your hat off.
You need to take your hat off.
Please, do not use use the oars as weapons.
I repeat, do not use the oars as weapons.
-Little shit...
-The mic's still on!
What the hell?
Are you trying to kill me?
Marion, you have my cup of tea?
Marion?
It's next door's daughter and her little
boy. Guess that means there's not long now.
-Hi! When did you get back?
-Yesterday.
I've got to wait 2 weeks for my flat, so I thought I'd
come home. Get my sister to do my washing. Show off my tan.
-How are you feeling?
-Yeah, good. A bit jetlagged.
Mensies surging out of me,
as usual.
-Fucking hell, you're living in here?
-Yeah, I just needed some space.
There is not a lot
of space in here.
You remember, you, me and Billy
used to make dens in here?
Your mother would turn off the electricity,
to get us to come in for our tea.
It's so weird being back. I can't get
used to it. Being in the sun every day.
I've been really good about wearing sun cream
though, so I don't think I've got any skin damage.
Hi Patrick. How are you? Yeah,
you're right, I have lost weight.
So, I've got something for you.
You're gonna be 30.
- What are we gonna do for it then?
We gotta do something! - Why?
Why don't we have a happy
un-birthday night. It will be fun!
- You're still mkaing your videos?
- No. I needed to renew the domain name.
- Do you wanna watch "Rocky"?
- Yes!
I've got it downloaded.
- I've missed you.
- I've missed you.
Two minutes!
- Hi. Are you OK?
- Yeah!
-Your mom came into the office. You're looking for a flat?
-God, my mum can just fuck off!
-I like your badges. What is the green one for?
-I don't know.
I think we should get badges
for adult life skills.
You know like changing a car tire, or sowing,
or sending something back in a restaurant.
-Is that Brendan Myers? Since when did he move back?
-He's come back to write his masterpiece.
What the hell are you wearing?
-You're looking for faeces?
-Yeah.
You are very good at spotting them. Maybe
you could get a badge for looking for faeces.
Show your lunch box, Linford!
Hiya, Brendan. How are you doing you big sexy beast? Your
buttocks are like glistening orbs in the morning dew.
Sorry to interrupt
for objectifying you.
You do realize Anna's sitting and peeing? Do
you not see the steam? Maybe give her a tissue.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
There are nettles down there so be careful.
You do not want a nettle on your fanny.
You're a bully.
-Does he still love the Spice Girls?
He's a lot taller than I remember.
Not that that actually means anything.
I learned this after a very disappointing
encounter with a basket player.
It has nothing to do with height,
or feet or anything like that.
There were these Korean guys, and they measured them
and found it is all in the second and fourth digits.
So the key is,
look at a guy's hands.
Listen to me, otherwise you're gonna end up with
some nice guy who's got a poor digital ratio
-and your vagina is never
going to forgive you.
So you've already bumped
into the prodigal one?
Yeah, what are you doing here?
-Saving the day. I'm helping her out with the kids company.
You're dressed accordingly.
-Yes.
-That's just not appropriate footwear
-I'm Miss Scarlet. This is my contemporary interpretation.
I'm getting into my past,
Stanislavski style.
-Do you think Stanislavski wore porn shoes?
-They're your porn shoes.
Fuck!
Hang on! I need you to play the victim.
-What?
-So you're with anyone?
-Only in the mirror.
Maybe you should become a
lesbian. It would quite suit you.
I think you should get more
in touch with yourself.
-Try yoga, meditation ...
-Stop! No!
You promised that when you came
back you wouldn't be wanker.
Well if you'd come with me like you
were supposed to, you'd be a wanker too.
-That doesn't make any sense.
-This is taking ages.
-Because you're such a fat fucking bitch.
-Come on.
Look. Come on.
I want you to survey the scene.
Something is wrong.
Things don't add up.
Look at the people. How are they
behaving? What are they hiding?
How do they give
themselves away?
She's alive. Case solved.
-It's only a game.
-A rubbish one.
Right! Let's go and
interview Miss Scarlet.
Then we're gonna look at a capsule
of information about the victim.
-You look like Clint Eastwood.
-My name is Clint.
- Very funny.
- Why?
- You serious? - Yeah. My dad is a cowboy.
He blows buildings up with dynamite.
- Like a re-enacter? - Yeah, that's
what I wanna do when I grow up.
Do you want to see the fastest
gunslinger in the West?
- Did you see it?
- You didn't do it.
- No, it's a joke.
- It's not funny.
- One.
- Four. - Two. - Four.
- Three.
- Four.
-Four.
-Four.
- Six.
- Four. Four, four, four.
Fourteen.
-Oh my God! Oh my God!
-What the fuck's up with you?
- We're gonna hit the sun. - Fucking
hell. You need to read "On the beach".
It's about people awaiting the arrival of deadly radiation.
And how they're dealing with their impending death.
They just went on, had picnics and did gardening
and stuff. Basically you need a goal. Like Rocky.
Rocky trains to win the fight, and in doing it, he regains
self respect. Makes peace with the person he'll never become.
- Adrian says it in "Rocky 3".
- When she finally grows a pair.
When she wears that great corral lipstick. -When she's finally
given some lines.- When she wears that nice necklace.
What are you doing, you nutter? You need to look after
this little dude, cause he's driving the other kids mental.
- Can you stop that?
- I'm bored.
Why don't you draw
her a picture.
No, I'm not drawing a picture. People will look
at it and see what my feelings are doing inside.
Well why don't you draw
her a flower. Or a rainbow.
Can I have one?
You missed a bit.
You missed another bit.
And there.
-Don't say anything.
-What on earth have you been doing. Come here.
Mum! That is rank!
I can not believe it!
Doesn't she look fun? Fantastic.
Mind your fingers.
Your face is so slim now,
I can't get over it.
Thanks. Yeah, I got dysentery
when I was in India. It was great.
-When do you go back to London and start work?
-Actually I'm gonna have a bit of a career change.
I got into a real energized headspace. I'll
be a choreographer and be a yoga teacher.
-I'm rebooting.
-It is a good time to make a fresh start.
Anna's problem is that her childhood ambition was
to be rescued by David Hasselhoff of Baywatch.
-I wanted to be David Hasselhoff.
-If that isn't the cause of an existential crisis, I don't know what is.
-Anna need a way to motivate herself.
-I can hear you!
Annas's got ways to motivate herself. She
just thinks of Patrick Swayze topless.
Not in "Point Break".
That makes me wanna vomit.
Why can't you be
more like Fiona?
-What? Go away for 2 years and shack up with a fat South-African?
-No, I didn't mean that.
-She's just focused, isn't she?
-Leave her alone.
Anna's just having a little
think about what she wants.
-What I want is for you to leave me alone.
-Well I'll leave you alone, while you look around this.
What?
-I never thought you'd move back here permanently.
-Well, you have.
Not permanently,
only while I write my book.
-I changed it again, now it's about
this ballet dancer... ... Is that you?
Have you had a look around?
-Yes. And it made me want to slit my forehead and bleed all over the floor.
It's like a contraceptive made
of chipboard and pebbledash.
If she moves in here,
her hymen will grow back.
-What does it always have to be about sex?
-Cause everything is about sex.
I'm gonna put you on the internet, and find a
Neanderthal that'll blow out the cobwebs in ...
I'm not moving out until I've worked
out what I'm doing. So back off.
You said that five months ago.
Time's up.
Bye.
See you.
How do you know what
you want in life?
Listen to your heart. Your
heart will tell you what to do.
I can't listen to my heart. It tells me things like:
You like "X Factor" more than you care to admit.
And: Consider a perm.
I know what I want.
-Oh yeah. What?
-A girlfriend.
-You're not gonna find one down here.
-Come down here and give me a hand.
-I will not come down until my demands are met.
You'll wait a long time then.
-What are you doing?
-Accelerating the cycle of life.
You can't just move them nearby. They have a strong homing
instinct. They'll come back. I saw it on "Baywatch".
"Spring Watch", Mother.
-Stop following me.
-No, he's going with you.
That's my cowboy horse.
Twenty-five. Twenty-six.
Twenty seven. Twenty-eight.
I think I'm gonna be like you
when I am growing older.
That's nice.
It was a nice compliment.
I meant sad and angry all
the time, after my mom dies.
I'm not sad and
angry all the time.
-No friends, then.
I have got friends!
Okay.
Living with your nan, then.
If you take your walkie-talkie
home, we can talk at night.
How many moles are there?
-29.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-How are you doing? -Good. -Nice
bike. -Thank you.
-How are things going?
-Good, yeah good. I'm on my way to the supermarket.
-7:30. So life is good.
-So precise.
-I don't like it when there are children there.
-Naturally. Yeah.
Anna's just gone to the bar to get us a
drink. Do you wanna join us for a pint?
No. I did not know you
were with Anna.
-Why are you being weird.
-I'm not being weird.
-Oh my God, do you like her?
-No.
-I thought you...?
-You thought what? Why does everyone think I'm gay?
I have a soft voice and
I wore pink shorts once.
Hey, Anna.
-See you later.
-Nice to see you.
We're going to a club
on Saturday! Join us!
-I just had the weirdest conversation with Brendan.
-Nothing new there. It's like the "Wickerman" in there.
It can't be worse than being at home. Honestly
I can really see why you stay around here.
Such a cultured place. That's
what dreams are all about.
I dream of making a perfect lasagne.
-That's quite an achievable dream for like seven quid.
I did a Thai cooking class.
I can make a Thai curry from
scratch. Pad thai, egg fried rice.
Egg fried rice is Chinese. It
was a real cheap cooking class.
Anna.
Are you there?
Hello? Hello?
-How long have we been doing this?
-567 days.
We'll just do the same every day. And then
we die. Do you think that makes us ...
-Like John McClane in the "Die Hard" films?
-Sisyphus.
He was condemned to repeat the same task. Pushing a rock
up a mountain only to see it roll down again. Forever.
We have to imagine we're bigger than our fate.
-Blowing up this spaceship would mean that we are bigger than our fate.
-I have no idea what you're on about.
-Albert Camus' myth of Sisyphus.
Was he a goal keeper? You need to lighten up. You
need to stop listening to depressing hippie music.
Start listening to Whitesnake.
Here I go again on my own
There, yes, my friend.
Clint's staying here tonight.
His mum's in hospital.
Can we tidy up please?
-Why can't he sleep in the house?
-You don't.
Is this clean?
Is that your brother?
Yeah, that is Billy.
-Is he dead in the photo?
-No! He's sun bathing.
He looks dead.
Was it fun being a twin?
She finds it hard
to talk about Billy.
The sad thing is that he is
dead. Not talking about him.
-You left him alone in there?
-Grow up.
-Where's his nan?
-At the hospital.
Well where's his dad? He's doing
some controlled demolition somewhere.
I made that for him.
Guided meditation for real men
who aren't into hippie shit.
Number 16: Sheds.
Man! Stop what you're doing!
This is your time.
There's nothing you have to do
now apart from friggin rest.
Close your eyes.
Noone is going to hit you.
Imagine you're in a shed.
A shed with adequate shelving, and nothing
touching the ground where it can get damp.
Or imagine you are building
a dam in a river -
a brilliant dam, where all the rocks fit together
perfectly and no bastard water gets through.
Tell me when I to start.
-Muscle lady, designed for building dams.
I ran out of rocks.
There's meant to be no water getting through there,
and that basically looks like most of the water is.
I am a man of many talents.
Take it!
I want to do a stunt...
Is that you and Billy?
Do not touch my tapes.
They are precious.
Nan made you this.
- Have you got a teddy?
- No.
Have you got a doll or a lion?
Pass us your pillow.
- What was that video for?
- Just fun.
- Why did the picture stop at the end?
- It is not finished.
- Are there any more?
- Yeah. Loads. We had a website.
We made videos that were bad instruction
guides for coping with things in life.
Is this Billy's?
No, it's mine.
-Why do you have your hair in a pot?
-It is from just after he died.
Your body is made up of
millions of cells.
I've read somewhere that all your
cells are replaced after a few years.
So every day I am less and less the
person I was when I was with him.
One day there will be nothing physically
left of me from when he was here.
-So I cut of my hair ...
-Can I look at the website?
Guided meditation for real men
who aren't into hippie shit.
Number 3: Cowboys!
Imagine that you are on a horse, let's call it Tony.
You're with your mates, and they are all straight.
But you're drinking beer in a way
that makes women want you. Gulp! Gulp!
Where have my shoelaces gone?
This is for you. It's God.
Good morning. Wakey, wakey!
Oh you're up? I've got to
get you to the hospital.
Anna, I want all this sorted.
We're gonna look at a flat later.
-I want to tell her about the boat we made at school.
-Tell her about it later. She's not going anywhere.
-I come around tonight.
-Come on, I'll get you breakfast.
We're gonna hit the sun in three
days. Have you got a teddy bear?
No. They'll give you no comfort now anyway. All teddy
bears are nihilists. The question is existential or moral.
Let's go.
The majority have no concept of the
self. so could be considered the former.
Yogi Bear was a moral nihilist, stealing all those
picnics. With no consideration of the conseqences.
-Anna, I mean it!
That won't help.
Stop being so bloody
sanctimonious.
-What are you doing? They don't go there.
-Are you moral authority on this?
Every knows you put the mugs on the top shelf. You
line them up between the prongs, not over them.
Don't you write me
a job description.
Anna,
get yourself out here right now.
What shall I do with this?
Up my ass?
Fuck off.
Anna, I think you should know, that
despite claiming maturity, your mother...
-just mimed the words
"Fuck off" to me.
You can't get angry with people for
not behaving the way you would, Marion.
Only a sociopath would put
mugs on the lower shelf.
I'm not talking
about the dishwasher.
Marion, don't lose them both.
-You didn't have to do that. I'm not 9.
-Stop behaving like it then.
Can you not text and drive.
My life is in your hands.
You are assuming that I am not
trying to kill you, Marion.
Council toilet block looks
salubrious by comparison.
-You got anything else we can look at?
-Not within your specifications, I'm afraid.
-Perhaps you should consider lowering your expectations.
-Or I could just give up on life completely.
I can't imagine her bringing someone back here. Are
there any woman in the world shagging less than us.
-Do not use that word.
-Fucking?
-I cannot believe you're my mother?
-Let's get a blood test.
-Sorry.
-It's all right.
Have you thought about Brendan?
He is quite hunky.
Define hunk, Marion. I don't think
anyone's been hunky since 1965.
-Brendan is gay.
-I don't think that's necessarily a problem.
It would be healthy for you to be
emotionally involved wth someone.
Emotionally involved? Are we in
"Pride and Prejudice" now?
It would be good to develop
a bond.
-You did not give Luke a chance.
-Jesus, Marion, the hairdresser? Have you gone completely mad?
I can't stand a man who wears Ugg boots.
-I thought they look quite cozy.
Cozy? Anna does not need cozy.
She needs a man with arms
chiseled out of granite.
that can chuck her across the
bedroom. It's what all women want.
A monosyllabic lumberjack with
an artistic streak.
-Don't put a lot on.
-I'm not! I just defining your cheekbones.
I've seen it on my tutorial. You
can make really fat faces look slim.
I haven't got a fat face.
Deceptive. My face is five
times bigger than this.
What the hell is that?
Clint did it. It is God as a cowboy
sitting on a horse, on a cloud.
-The kid has got issues. I like that he does
stuff and is not worried about what people think.
You mean he's a little shit.
-He's not scared of messing up.
If he wasn't 7 I'd say
you have a crush on him.
-You're kiddin?!
-I need to rub it in more.
-I look like Adam Ant.
-It'll look much better at the club.
-I feel like getting hammered.
-Come on let's buy some booze.
What? We embrace restraint
whilst getting wasted.
My challenge: If you can get a bloke to say the
word "period", without meaning anything historical,
-then you have to snog him.
Shit. I do not have my phone.
Sorry.
Two seconds.
It's really cold. It gonna make
my nipples stand out.
Let's have a look.
-It didn't work.
-Come on.
Oh my God, that's my mum's
hairdresser, Luke. Don't engage.
Hi, Luke.
-Hello.
-I like your hair. Very 80s.
Bit of double-denim
for the ladies?
If I give you money, can you get us some
booze? We're having a teenage night out.
Is it fancy-dress?
You look like Mumm-Ra.
Can you get us some booze or not? or?
-You're serious?
Get us some alcopops or cider. Something
that looks radioactive. Thanks.
I would not want him cutting my hair.
You reckon he straightens his mullet?
-What are you doing? You can't leave
like that. I didn't know where you were.
You could have told me. And that
cab just cost me 40 quid.
-40?
-I know.
I didn't think you cared as you just
had your tongue down someone's throat.
-You're still wasted.
-Whose fault is that?
Sorry for trying to give you a good night
out. I been trying to make you smile again.
Well you fucked that up,
haven't you?
-Did you lock my shed?
-What? Yeah ... I can't remember. Why?
My videos and my camera have been stolen.
-Are you sure?
-Of course I'm fucking sure! You can't have locked it.
-I don't think someone's gonna take your videos.
That just sums you up that you're so
self-absorbed. It's always about you.
Oh my God. You make out like you're
the only one that knew Billy.
-Bullshit.
-You're not the only one who loved him, you know.
Since when did you love him? You think
some snog on a school trip counts?
I'm talking about your mum and your
nan. Fuck you, of course I loved him.
Fuck you!
Anna! May I tell you about that
boat we made at school?
-What are you wearing?
-It shrunk in the wash.
What the fuck,
that's my brother's!
-You should not swear.
-You should not steal things!
Your nan gave me that.
Was your nan an astronaut?
-Did your nan go up into space?
-No. Does your mom know you're up at the crack of dawn?
She is in hospital.
You should get back to bed.
Are you hung over?
What do you think?
It could be really nice.
Come on, sweet heart.
Is it about the jumper?
-Anna, please don't ignore me.
-Are you OK, love?
Someone's been in my shed.
My videos have been stolen.
-You might find them if you tidied up.
-Stop it! What do you want me to do, live in an empty box?
-This is a lovely empty box, Brendan, thank you.
-You're welcome.
-You coming, love?
-I'm gonna go for a walk.
I'm thinking of quitting.
It's not really for me.
You are not very good at it.
-What are you looking at? It was
"love" written on the pavement
I took a picture of it,
but now I can't find it.
Maybe you are looking in the wrong place.
-I'm not.
How is your period?
Don't ask that?
Why would I say that?
I said it because Fiona told me to ask
you. She thought you'd be impressed.
But it felt wrong,
instinctively. I hate Fiona.
Fiona is your worst mate!
This is Fiona's voice mail.
Leave a message.
-Don't you fucking dare!
-What's going on?
If these are broken, I will fucking kill
you. These are really fucking expensive!
-Everything I ever had, she just broke it.
-You psycho bitch!
I'm taking the cost of that
laminator out of your wages.
You always insisted on laminating
everything. She laminated my degrees.
-Laminate this.
-If you stay around here, you turn into that.
-You know if you shat yourself,
you'd blame it on someone else.
You laminated pictures
of Robert Pattinson.
- It was not Robert Pattinson! - Why
did you need it laminated? That is vile!
What are you getting on it?
Fluids?!
- I laminated it for her.
- What? I do not like Robert Pattinson.
- It was not Robert fucking Pattinson!
- All right!
Should have known you two were in this together.
Get you and your diseased vagina out of my house!
- Are you OK?
- They have killed them.
Humanely though, with these tablets that
turn into gas. They don't feel anything.
They are not in those traps. The
traps are only if it doesn't work.
- So they're just dead underneath this?
- They were undermining the foundations.
So I'll go walking around on
dead moles every day at work now?
- Are you OK?
- No. Everyone is angry with me.
- Because you don't like the flats?
- No cause I turn 30 in 2 days, and I live in a shed.
And I make videos with
my thumbs.
- You're weird, aren't you? I like it.
- Noone wants to be liked for being weird, Brendan.
I can objectify you,
if you want.
I like your pale skin, your messy
hair and your smooth forehead.
- Are you doing an inventory? - Sometimes it
helps to apply logic to emotional situations.
I once did a cost-benefit analysis of a
relationship, to see if it was worth pursuing.
She dumped me before
I could finish it.
- She?
- For fuck's sake, I'm not gay!
I like girls. Like you.
Weird girls.
But you always used to throw pebbles at
me when we were walking home from school.
Yes,
because I wanted to fuck you.
Do it now.
Do it now.
Here.
No.
Where are you going?
Are you okay?
Clint.
You come for bed now.
I've got a nice story for you.
What?
Don't go crackers, Marion.
Keep a lid on it.
What on earth is going on?
Anna!
Calm down, Marion. I'm calm.
- Anna.
- What's up?
What do you mean? Nothing,
everything is fine. Perfectly normal.
I just fancied
sleeping in a tent.
Get out! Bloody, get out!
- Let go, mum.
- No, you let go!
Will you just stop it!
- I have had enough.
- Can I tell you about that boat?
Morning.
Somebody's special day tomorrow?
Get out of the way.
- Mum!
- Marion! Stop it.
I've had enough of this.
Get out!
Oh my God.
- Anna?
- I can feel them.
- What are you doing?
- There's spiders on me.
- Go inside, Clint.
- I need to tell her about that boat.
- Not now, sweetheart.
- It is important.
Fine, fine.
Show me the fucking boat!
You little thief!
This stuff makes
you look ridiculous!
- What's happened to your hair, darling?
- She did it!
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, it's in your box.
I knew you were sad and
angry all the time!
Maybe I didn't want to tell you that what's
happening to your mum, will fuck up your life -
and you will never
be happy again!
What's up with you?
Nothing.
Okay.
I want to be alone.
You are alone.
Can something exist elsewhere
after it's stopped existing here?
- Like a parallel universe?
- Like a website.
I don't know.
- Are there parallel universes?
- They don't know what's out there.
- I know one thing that is
not out there. - What is it?
Me.
Hello. I was just
calling on you.
What are you reading?
It's a pact me and Billy made.
We were forming an alliance to last for decades, then
we were going to meet up in our 70, and kill each other.
- That's sweet.
- Yeah...
I should go home.
I brought this for you.
I was gonna get you flowers, but
I was worried they'd die, so...
- Brendan.
- Yes.
Am I still a twin if
my twin's dead?
Technically...
... I don't think so. No.
Mum?
Mum?
You have one new message.
First new message.
Anna, Clint's been missing all
day. We need to find him.
We're all out looking for him.
Clint.
Clint?
Clint.
Can you hear me, mate?
Clint. Can you hear me?
Clint!
Clint?
Clint!
Clint!
Clint!
Clint!
Clint!
Clint!
Clint!
- I've really fucked up.
- Because you've shrunk my jumper?
- I thought he'd be here?
- He'll come.
What if he doesn't?
- What if something's happened,
it'd be all my fault. - Don't be daft!
I said some really shit things to him. I just want
to say that I'm sorry, but I don't know how.
- Yeah, you do.
- No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
No, i don't.
Who are you talking to?
- Noone!
- What are you looking at, then?
Nothing.
Ask him.
Go on. This is your chance.
- I don't want to.
- No, but you will.
I need you to blow up my shed.
Allright then.
- Can I tell you about the boat now?
- Yeah.
There was this man
who made a boat.
He kept sailing it and sailing it. Every time
he sailed it, it got old, it keeps breaking.
He keeps getting new bits,
every time it breaks.
Then one day he realized, there is nothing
left of the old boat. There was only new bits.
He thought in his head,
if it was the same boat.
- So what's the answer?
- There isn't one.
It's one of them questions
that you have to think about.
- What do you think?
- I do not know.
Is that your dam?
- Yeah.
- It is rubbish.
Cheers.
I got you this.
Can I have his bike instead?
Right, let's get you across.
I know what I wanna
do for my birthday.
I want Clint to blow up my shed.
Sorry.
You alright?
Anna. There is a young man
here to see you.
I'll leave you to it.
You can come in.
Nice shed.
It looks like Stanley Kubrik boxes. He used
to keep everything from his films in boxes.
Like meticulously.
All sorts of shit.
People said, it was a sign of
his genius, so ...
Let's just hope it doesn't mean you fuck up your
next film by denying the audience what they want.
- What do they want?
- To see Nicole Kidman's chumba-wumbas.
Did you actually just laugh at something I
said? And there was noone here to witness it.
That is annoying!
- I've got you a present.
- It's not a deformed carrot, is it?
No, it's not a deformed carrot.
Thank you.
Congratulations.