Adopting Trouble (2016) - full transcript

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(logo tones)

(Nick laughing)

- What's so funny?

- Ah, super heroes.

They've got the funniest
comebacks for bad guys.

All right, listen to this one.

He like throws a whole house at the guy

and says, "This one's on the house."

Ya get it?
- Yeah great.

Nick, why do you read that crap?

- Dude they're hysterical.



Seriously Roach, if you
had like a super power,

what would you have?

- Already got me a super power.

Whatever I touch turns to gold.

- Shaddup.

- That's the one with the hand, um, Midas.

- Glove.

- It's not a glove.

- It's like it's a bracer, it's brace--

- What is a bracer?

I don't think it's--

- What the hell are you going on about?

- [Nick] Mikey, what would your power be?

- Well, I'd choose invisibility.



- [Nick] But how would you catch

a bad guy with invisibility?

And you'd have people like
running into you all the time.

- They wouldn't walk into you,

they'd walk right through you.

- No no no, you're thinking
of like a ghost or a specter.

- No!

- But then again, how would
you catch a bad guy like--

- Enough!

What are you, 12?
- Ah!

- Throw that out the window. -
Don't, it's a first edition, okay?

- You'll thank me for it later.

It's time to grow up.

Hey, get your A game face on?

- Right.

- [Roach] How do you do this?

- It doesn't open from inside.

- [Mike] I got it.

- What do you mean it
doesn't open from the inside?

- It's an old car.

It's my grandma's, I'm just borrowing it.

The stereo works though.

Sorry, it was locked.

Hey Mikey, will you get
me like an energy drink,

and like the spreadable
like cracker things?

- Yeah, cheese or peanut butter?

- Oh, peanut butter,
yeah, I'm not European.

- Just keep the car running.

- Okay, cool.

(car engine starting)

( Action Music playing)

Hey did you get my crackers and drink?

- Drive now!
- Man we gotta go!

- Is that the cops coming?
- Just do it!

- Come on!!
- Okay!

- What are you doing?

- Just give me a second!

She has the right of way!

(police sirens wailing)

- Nick, I swear, I will end you.

- Okay, well this isn't helping.

- [Mike] Alright, alright, alright!

- Here we go, here we go!

(Nick exclaiming wordlessly)

(Nick screaming in frustration)

- Nick you picked the worst
getaway car in the history of

robberies! - I didn't know
we were robbing this place.

- [Mike] Guys, I'm outta
here. - [Nick] See ya Mike.

(police siren wailing)

Roach!
- Why won't this door open?

- [Nick] It's broken!

I got this.

- You're on your own dumbass.

- Fine, I'll get away by myself.

(car engine grinding ineffectively)

(siren wailing)

- Get out of the vehicle
with your hands raised.

Exit the vehicle.

Slowly put your hands on your back.

- Is that a baton or are you
just happy to see me, officer?

- Is that supposed to be funny?

- [Nick] It was supposed to be.

(energetic music)

- [Lawyer] The bad news
is, we're losing the case.

- Alright, then just
skip to the good news.

- The good news is is that if you give

up your accomplices the judge may

give you a lighter sentence.

- That still sounds like bad news.

I don't have accomplices,
I have I have friends.

And I didn't know that those
guys were gonna rob that place.

- Look, I made a diagram.

Your best chance is to
give up your friends.

- I'm not giving up my friends.

- There's nothing else I can do for you.

- With a jury of your
peers finding you guilty

of aiding in an armed robbery,

I hereby sentence you to five years

in Carlson Minimum Security Prison.

(sultry music)

(singing in foreign language)

(gavel hitting wood)

- What? It's over?

- Five years, Carlson.

- Do something!

- You should probably pay attention.

This is the next five years of your life.

- You're so fired.

- My dear Lord Jesus, I
pray that my correspondence

to Nick will arrive safely
in the warm comfort,

the safe, the learning
environment of prison.

Amen.

(camera clicking)

(Maryanne sighing)

- [Randall] You're not playing right now.

What are you doing?

- Where you at?

You wanna another, all right.

- Hey Randall.
- Yeah.

- Check this out.

- Ooh!

- [Nick] Isn't that the prettiest
half a face you ever saw?

- Oh man, is this your lady?

- That's her, that's waiting for me.

- Not bad Nick.

Hold on though, I got
something better for ya.

If we do, check out that action.

- [Nick] Oh yeah.

- We are gathered here today

to join this inmate and Maryanne--

- Oh do you mind if we...

- In holy matrimony.

Does anyone have a clue why
these two should be married?

Speak now or we may never know.

(Brandy clearing her throat)

(tattoo needle buzzing)

- The first time I saw you, typing away

on that little miniature keyboard,

with that hair, and those eyes,

I thought God had sent an angel

down from heaven to that courtroom

just to shoot a lightning
bolt right into my loins.

- I never saw a man look so good in orange

who wasn't an autumn.

I saw you in that courtroom

and I didn't care what you had done.

I knew you had a good heart.

It was as if the Lord Jesus himself

came down from heaven and slapped me

with his holy hand and
said, "Girl, he's the one."

- Do we have any rings?

- I'm almost done, just
gimme a few seconds here.

- Now, but the power vested in me,

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

(buzzer buzzing)

- Hola!

Getting out today.

- Name.

- Osmond.

Nicholas Osmond, no relation.

- Oh and we're gonna
need your inmate attire.

You can actually change down the hall.

- Ah nothing you haven't seen before.

- See ya next week?

- Have a nice life.

Maryanne!

- [Man On Loudspeaker] Walk!

- We've got some celebrating to do!

- You know it baby!

- Whoa, no!

Slow down.

First, I've got a surprise for you.

- Oh, what is it?

- We're going over to
my sister's for dinner.

- Okay.

I just got out, like, don't you wanna,

don't you wanna hop in the back there?

- Well, yeah, but
Brandy's making pot roast

and I have to get the van
back before it gets dark.

- I can keep it under a minute, I can,

- Oh maybe I want it more than a minute.

Later!

Put your seatbelt on.

- Fine.

- I promise it will be good.

- The sex or the pot roast?

- Both.

(Nick yelling)
(children screaming)

- Knock it off!

Get off of your uncle Nick!

- But we're having a good time.

- I'm not yelling for my health here.

- I'm going down, I'm going
down! (children giggling)

- These kids are sucking
the life outta me!

- Lord Jesus, we offer
our thanks for this bounty

thou has set before us.

And for the return of my
beloved Nick from prison.

Now that he is a free
man, I ask that you bless

the fruit of his loins and open my womb

that I may soon be heavy with his child.

In your holy name, amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Mama, what are fruit loins?

- Are you trying to make
my job as a mother harder?

- Sorry.

- No more questions, Wendy.

- Did Uncle Nick bring
his fruit for desserts?

- Yes, I did, but not enough for everyone.

Just only Maryanne.

- Was Brandy's pot roast
better than prison food?

- Mm, I'm thinking.

No, not about pot roast.

I'm wondering if I'm cut out to be a dad.

- Of course.

Why do you ask?

- I've read like hundreds of comic books.

And I really wanna be a hero.

But I've never done
anything to be deserving

of the title.

And with this kid on the way,

I'm just wondering if I'm
up for the fatherly heroics.

With great responsibility
comes, something.

I just don't want to screw
it up the way my dad did us.

- You're gonna be a great dad.

- Nick!

- Hey Roach, how are you bud?

- How long has it been, Nicky?

- It's been three years,
two off with good behavior.

- Oh yeah.

Big Head said you were getting out soon.

- Yeah, pretty recently actually.

But I want you to know
I didn't say anything--

- Hey, water under the bridge, Nicky.

Water under the bridge for both of us.

- Sure, for both of us, yeah.

- Hey, you know what, I
got something to show ya.

Right there.

- WYN Enterprises.

- That's right.

- Stands for Whatever You Need.

I'm legit now.

- Good for you.

- So, uh, what's new with you?

- Just married life.

- Married?
- Yeah.

- Nicky, who would marry you?

No but seriously, good for you.

And if you're looking for protection,

I got a bead on some primo
Canadian dink sheathes.

- Dink sheets.
- Not sheets, sheathes.

Rubbers Nicky.

- Oh, yeah, no.

Hah! (laughs) Yeah.

Rubbers right.

No, we're not doing that.

We're doing the, we're
doing the bare back.

We're doing it Adam
and Eve style, ya know,

Genesis, Old Testament.

The Mrs, she's really
into the Holy Bible thing.

So we're doing it without sheathes.

Got this instead.
- Oh, alright.

(Nick laughs)

Nick, you dog, you trying to
knock up your old lady, huh?

- She's actually young, ow.

She's younger than me.

- Ah that's great, good for you man.

Remember what I told
you, whatever you need.

- Uh huh, I've got the card.

- I mean whatever.
- Right.

- But listen you gotta take off,

I'm meeting somebody here, so...

- Oh I'm, oh yeah, I'll leave.

Cool, see ya.

- Dickweed.

- Oh Nick, I think tonight's the night.

- Yeah?

- Mm hmm.

- How'd that get under here?

- Oh, um, I read online that
this, this lady in Idaho,

she puts one underneath
her pillow every time

she wants to get pregnant and it works.

- All right!

We're doing it internet Idaho style!

(Maryanne giggles)

- I don't know why, but for some reason,

that makes me really hot.

- Then we need to get your clothes off.

- Okay.

Come on, get 'em off!

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay.

(Maryanne giggling)

- You coming back to bed?

- [Maryanne] Just a couple more minutes.

- Okay, I think I'm
just gonna hit the sack.

- Okay.

Sleep tight sweetheart.

(somber music)

- Nick and Maryanne?
- Hi.

- How are you today?

It's nice to meet you.

I'm Dr. Evans.

- You come highly
recommended from my sister.

- She's got tons of kids.

That's what we want.

We brought the minivan,
so just fill us up.

- All right, I'll do my best.

Well I'm gonna do a full
exam of Maryanne in here.

And Nick, I will need a sample from you.

- A sample of?
- Your sperm.

A urine sample won't
really help us figure out

why she's not getting pregnant.

- You want me to...

- Yes, manual stimulation
is usually the best way

to do that.

- I was saving those.

- Well, we've gotta rule
out all possibilities.

So it's not always the woman's fault

that she can't get pregnant so.

- Right, yeah.

(Nick sighs)

So uh, you can do that in public?

'Cause I know guys in
prison that, you know,

that's why they're there.

- No not in public, no.

We've set up a room at the
end of the hallway for you.

That way you'll have some privacy.

- Can I bring a friend?

- No Maryanne needs to stay in here.

I need to start her exam.

- Okay, off to the masturbating room.

Just come back here when you're done.

Leave that in the little
cubby hole in the wall.

And we'll see you in a minute.

- Okay.

- All right.
- Good luck!

- Huh, going to touch
myself inappropriately.

Doctor's orders. (laughs)

Oh god.

(light jazz music)

(Nick sighing)

- I do too take vacations.

I took time off, I don't know, recently.

I'm not avoiding the family I just uh,

I just can't take time off right now.

No, Tom, I'm sorry, it's
just, just a work thing.

Okay bye.

- [Nick] Mail call.

- Did it come?

- From the office of
Dr. Leslie Evans M.D..

- Oh.

Oh, you read it.

I'm too nervous.

Good news?

- (laughs) If having a whole
armada of semen is good news,

I've got some good news.

- What?

- Look at this, look how
many semen are in there.

That's how many spermies are inside me.

- Oh, okay great.

What does it say about me?

- Uh, it says,

- Nick?

- It says your uterus is
a hostile environment.

- Hey, I never found
it to be that hostile.

I really like it in there.
I'd spend nine months

in there if I could. - Just, just stop.

- It'll be okay.

We'll call the adoption agency.

- They don't let convicted felons adopt.

- Right.

- I don't know what to do.

- Well, we're not gonna give up.

This is too important.

All right?

You and I need to be parents.

We need to have a god damn
kid in this house, okay?

Even if we gotta do it on our own.

- With help from Jesus.

- Yes, with help from Jesus, obviously.

We're gonna have a threesome.

That's not how that was
supposed to come out.

- How far along are you?

- Um, what?

- Come on Andrea, I can tell.

- I don't know.

A month?

Six weeks maybe.

- Am I the only person you've told?

What about Mr. Wonderful?

He needs to be kept in the loop.

- He's no longer part of the big picture.

- [Laura] And what is
the big picture Andrea?

- I don't know, I'll let you
know when I figure that out.

- [Laura] You can't treat this like one

of your quarterly projections.

- I didn't mean that I'm not
gonna figure it out, I just--

- There's a person growing inside you.

Do you understand that?

I mean, where are your priorities?

- It's a priority, I'm just
still processing the data.

- You know, you have options.

- I don't know, you're a single mother.

- Yeah something I planned.

I have a full time nanny, I
mean I got it all worked out.

But, you're not ready.

I think I can help.

Everyone this is Andrea, my friend,

who just found out she's expecting.

(people clapping)

- That's wonderful.

Andrea, why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself.

- I've been dealing with so many emotions

the last few weeks.

I don't even know where to begin.

- Oh we call that the EU stage.

- Mm hmm.

- EU?

- Emotionally Unstable.

- When does it end?

- It starts in the first trimester

and wraps up about two
years after the baby's born.

- I guess I'm here 'cause I have no idea

what I'm getting into.

- Oh sweetie, nobody does.

- It's amazing how much
your skin stretches.

- Yeah, on your stomach and your boobs.

- And then your boobs shrink.

However, your butt, hips,
stomach, thighs, not so much.

- Oh and you're uncomfortable 24/7.

- Yeah, and your bladder gets
squished flat like a pancake.

- Don't forget how
they're constantly pushing

in your sciatic nerve, every
time you wanna take a break.

- Yeah, and this extra mass
you have to carry around,

that people call baby weight.

- Then there's the constant barfing.

- My doctor said I should gain 30 pounds,

but I can't keep a thing down.

- I never had a single problem
during my first pregnancy.

- Oh.

- She's not the norm.

- Let's not forget the unbelievable
pain during childbirth.

- It's like that movie
where that alien thing

rips out the guy's chest,
except it's your vagina.

- During my last delivery
I thought I was gonna die

on three separate occasions.

- Oh, if they don't shove
an epidural into my spine

the moment I walk through
that hospital door,

oh somebody's gonna hear about it.

- I took catatonic micro-naps
between diaper changings

and bouts of weeping.

- My little boy kept his
sleep and eating schedule

right along with mine.

- Of course he did.

- Forget about having a social life ever.

- Or ever finding a man.

- And then, before you know it,
they're talking back to you.

- The first word they
learn after mama is no.

- Thumb sucking monsters.

- Ungrateful brats.

- Mine's an absolute angel, really.

- So, we've given this a lot of thought.

- And all we ask is that
you keep an open mind.

- We come with all the
love that is family.

- All right.

- We, that is Nick and myself,

we were hoping that.
(feet thumping)

(children yelling)

- Hey!

Hey, get upstairs, before I
smack you upside your heads.

Now!

(children's laughter receding)

Go on.

- We'd like to adopt one of your kids.

- Huh, I beg your pardon?

- On a trial basis.

- Well, you know how difficult it's been

for Nick and me to conceive.

And we were thinking that
maybe God sent you one

of ours by accident.

- Now, let's say you were
to give us one of your kids,

and then decide later you
gave us the wrong one.

Now we would have no problem
exchanging that child

for one of equal or lessor value.

- No.

- Now personally, I've taken a shine

to little Wendy over here.

- [Brandy] No!

- Now take your time to think about it.

- What part of no did you miss?

You can't just expect me to
give you one of my children.

(footsteps thumping)
(children laughing)

hey!

I said go outside, I will beat
your asses black and blue!

I will get the spoon.

I will get the spoon.

(child screaming playfully)
(door slamming)

These are my babies.

- Brandy, you need to understand,

this is the will of Jesus.

- He never said anything to me about it.

- Well, it does get
pretty loud around here.

It's possible you missed it.

(Brandy chuckles)

You really gotta listen to it.

'Cause it's quiet.

He's, he's a soft talker.

But I heard it clear as day.

- Me too.
- Yep.

Right during Wheel of Fortune.

And I looked to Maryanne
and said, did you hear that?

That sounded like Jesus.

- [Maryanne] I heard it loud and clear.

- Oh.

- And it wasn't Pat Sajak,
they sound similar I know,

but it wasn't him.

And I said, we definitely
gotta go to Brandy's house

and see about getting
ourselves one of them kids.

- Yep.

- And that's why we're
here, on God's errand.

- [Maryanne] Yep.

- You're gonna look me in the face

and tell me Jesus told you one of my kids

belongs to you?

(sad music)

(echoing children's laughter)

- Tyrell, you wanna stop giving our

clients dental floss please?

Nick.

What can I do you for?

Here, have some licorice.

- Oh, no thank you.

- No.

Those are Daddy's, don't touch those.

- So your business is called
whatever you need, right?

I mean that's, that's
anything, that's whatever?

- Nick, I'm the man to see.

Whatever you want, I can get it.

(candy crunching)

I got this innate ability to
look deep into a man's soul

and know what it is he wants.

And I can get it.

What you want are industrial
strength toilet lids.

(Roach laughing)

Oh man, I'm just yanking your cord.

I'm just up to my ass in toilet lids.

Anyway, what floats your dingy?

- Well, what I need is um,

What I would like for you to,

Roach, I need you to help
me acquire a little, human.

- You want a midget?

- They prefer actually
to be called dwarves,

or little people?

- You want a little people?

- I need you to adopt me a baby.

- We're fresh out of babies at the moment.

Was that one of my responsibilities?

I mean, 'cause if, if you need a baby,

Roach, if you need a baby I can go out--

- Could you shut up and
let Daddy do the work?

This is big people time.

Go play with your guns.

- It's not as bad as it seems.

It'll be over and done
with pretty quickly.

- That obvious, huh?

- You remind me of my first time here.

- You've done this before?

Does it hurt?

- [Nurse] Andrea?

We're ready for your consultation.

- Thank you.

- Found the perfect candidate,
first name, pictures,

and her next appointment.

- Fantastic.

I feel like I owe you something.

That door has a lock on it.

(clears throat)

Here's your payment.

It's got your name on it,

I'm pretty sure it's all yours.

- Call me when you have another job,

and only if you have another job.

Mm kay?

- But I wore teddy grams
and diamonds for ya.

It's never enough.

Tyrell, get in here
and clean this shit up.

- Please take hands.

We're, we're gonna talk to the Lord.

Dear Lord,

We ask for thy blessing

so that Nick and his friends

can perform this uh,

- Get your hands,
- Shhh!

- Shh!

Adopt this baby into our
eventual loving arms.

Amen.

Good luck.

- What?
(camera clicks)

- Look at my sister, taking her first

vacation in what, never?

- It's called a sabbatical
and I don't know when

I'll be back.

Could be a month or longer.

- So where am I taking you?

- Just downtown.

I'll take the shuttle to the airport.

- Why don't I just drop
you off at the airport?

- Because I know how much
you don't wanna do this,

and I don't wanna hear
about it the whole time.

- I love taking family all over the city.

Not like I have any work to do.

Have fun.
- Thank you.

- Be careful.

- Is that my brother or
the police officer talking?

- Your brother the detective.

- I'll call you when I get settled.

- You better.

I love ya sis.

(suit case wheels dragging on cement)

- That's her.

(Nick roars)

- [Andrea] Hey! Stop, help!

Get off! Get off!

(Andrea screaming)

- [Tyrell] I need some help.

(Andrea screaming)

- Hurry the hell up.

(Nick moaning in pain)

- [Tyrell] Get the luggage.

Come on, let's go!

(Andrea groaning)

(music box playing "Pop goes the weasel")

(Scary Music)

- (Altered high-pitched
voice) Remain calm.

- (Altered low-pitched voice)
Once you deliver the baby,

you'll be free to go.

- Deliver, what the hell
are you talking about?

- After the baby's born,
you can walk out of here.

- But the baby stays with us, forever.

And don't even think
about trying to escape.

These walls are sound proof.

- Help!

Help somebody, I'm in the basement!

I'm locked, I'm handcuffed to the bed!

Help someone please!

Can you hear me?

Please someone help me!

- Screaming is not going to help you.

- Look, I don't know what
kind of game this is,

but this baby isn't coming any time soon.

- [Maryanne] Honey?

- Hold on a second.

- Jesus Nick, where did you find her?

- Roach found her.
- Where at?

- A place called Choice Parenthood.

- Dear Lord Nick, that's
an abortion clinic.

We can't keep her here for seven months.

We only have enough money for two weeks.

Three tops.

- You're right, it's gonna
make Christmas really awkward.

- You think?

- No, I'm pretty sure.

- All right, (sighs)
we'll just knock her out

and take her back to the clinic.

- Wait, wait.

If we let her go, she'll just
throw that precious life away.

And we'll be accessories to murder.

- So you're saying we
should save that baby.

- We should.

It's the right thing to do.

- I love doing the right thing.

We're gonna have a baby. (laughs)

(electronic feedback)

- What's a gestation period?

- Oh, it's the amount of
time it takes to make a baby.

- Sounds clinical.

- Look at you getting into this.

You're gonna make a very cute father.

- This says she needs 13 checkups
throughout the pregnancy.

Seems like overkill.

- How many has she had?

- I don't know.

- Hey, I have to pee.

- How many doctor checkups have you had?

- Oh, um, none.

Because when you don't intend to keep it

you don't see a doctor.

(washing machine buzzing)

- Nick.

- You wanna wear those to bed tonight?

- We've got a problem.

- I was just looking at it.

- We have a problem.

- With?

Oh, oh, in the basement, yes.

We have a prisoner down there.

Picking up ultrasound machine for repair.

Thanks.

We'll have it back to you
by the end of the week.

- Hey Andrea, it's been three days

and well, you promised you'd call.

I hope that means you're
having the time of your life.

So, give me a call when
you get this, okay?

- I need to change the sheets.

- You're going to jail.

You know that?

My brother's a police
detective and I'm sure

he has the entire force
out looking for me.

- Okay.

I still need to change the sheets.

- Look, I'll have him go easy on you.

- Why? So you can murder that little baby?

- That is my choice.

- Do you have any concept of how precious

a human life is?

- Hah!

Do you have any concept of
how many laws you've broken?

Of what you've taken away from me

by keeping me here like an animal?

- Yeah, well, you left us no choice.

(Andrea screams)

(lock clicking)

- I really don't have time for your games.

I stop playing them when I stopped dating.

No,no,no,no,no, I would show
me more respect, if I were you.

What's up?

- I need you to check and see

if somebody made it on a plane.

- No no no no, that is not a
confidential informant's job.

Okay?

You have to get the information
that I'm asking for,

and the department is not going
to cover you playing bingo.

Look, I have to get back to work.

I love you too Mom.

Crazy woman.

- She's still trying to work it, huh?

- Is this a missing person's case?

- It's looking that way.

- It's your sister, isn't it?

Pathetic. I can't keep doing this, man.

But did you check with her office?

Huh huh huh huh?

That is where she was the
last time she went missing.

- Nazir, just check on the plane, okay?

- So now that we have this thing,

we can just start doing the
checkups on our own, right?

- I think you need to
be a doctor to use it.

- I don't think so, it
seems pretty simple,

I mean you just stick this inside the...

oh, it goes on the top, oh.

- [Maryanne] Yeah, right on the belly.

- Okay, all right, I see.

Get a little bit of this stuff on there.

Woo, oh that's cold.

Here, warm that up.

(machine beeping)

It's like looking through
the fabric of time.

(machine beeping)

Okay, does that look
like a burrito to you?

That's what I had for lunch.
(machine beeping)

Like right there.

(machine beeping)

It would be chewed up a little bit.

But it had beans and rice in it

and I think that that's
what's in that corner there.

- What if something is
wrong with the baby?

- Yeah, I would not be able
to tell, that's for sure.

I feel like I'm watching TV in the 1940s.

- How are we gonna find a doctor?

- I know a guy, bovine doctor.

Best job in the world.

Looks at boobs all day long.

- Bovine is a cow, honey.

- Not nearly as impressive.

Are you sure it's not bovines?

- [Maryanne] Nick, focus.

- Okay a doctor.

Doctor.

Jasmine, my cousin
Jasmine, she says doctors

come in to where she works all the time.

- That makes sense, you can
just walk to the hospital

from where she dances.

- I know it, I've always wanted to see

what it's like in there.

- Whoa.

- Well, how else are we
gonna get the doctor?

I'm gonna have to go in there.

I mean, I won't like it, that's for sure.

♪ All eyes on me in the club ♪

♪ See 'em all looking at
me fiendin' to touch ♪

♪ Top dollar lady baby T is what's up. ♪

♪ Money money money I can't even enough ♪

♪ And you know I got my
nails done, nails done ♪

♪ Everythings ♪

- Doctor, are ya gonna gimme

a clean bill of health?

Or am I too dirty?

- Everything seems to be
in perfect working order.

- You're such a sweetie.

I'm gonna give you this one for free.

Here, I brought your favorite.

Drink up.

♪ Like this list I made ♪

♪ It goes one for the
money, two for the show ♪

♪ Three of us girls and four, let's go ♪

♪ One for the money, two for the show ♪

♪ Three of us girls, four let's go ♪

- Pay day.

Here you go, one for you, and one for you.

Good job guys, good job.

Go team.

(telephone ringing)

- This is Tom.

- [Nazir On Phone] Hey, she
never made it on a plane.

She wasn't even on the flight manifest.

- Thanks Nazir, I owe you one.

(doctor snorting)
- Wake up!

- Where am I?

- [Nick] That's none of your concern.

Give this woman here a pregnancy exam.

- Who are you people?

- This is all a dream.

- I told you to get this done.

Go get this done.

- Mm, Dr. Wilson.

When did you come on shift?

- Just do what you're told.

- Okey-dokey.

(machine beeping)

Stay very still masked woman.

(machine beeping)

And...

(fetal heartbeat thumping)

There.

- [Nick] You can tell what that is?

- It's human.

- Yes.

- And at this stage in the pregnancy,

everything looks okey-dokey.

- Thank you doctor.

- Are you sure this is a dream Dr. Wilson?

- Yes, it's a dream, a beautiful dream.

And you're asleep inside
your car at the strip club.

(wood thunking)

(Andrea squeaking)

- Nick!

Roach wants to see you.

- Why?

- I don't know, get in the van.

- You want me to get
into that big green van?

- Yeah, just get in the van.

- I'm gravely disappointed in you Nick.

- Gravely?

Really? Why?

- Not only do I run a successful business,

but an entrepreneurship.

It's the American way.

- Yeah, but none of
these guys are American.

(fingers snapping)

- Nick, me getting you
the baby makes us square.

But when an ultrasound
machine walks out the door

people start pointing fingers.

Fingers pointed at one of my
guys in that doctor's office.

- Oh, sorry, I mean,
I'm gonna take it back

when we're done.

- You're sorry.

You come to me asking for help.

I provide the means for
you to accomplish it.

We're gonna have to figure out a way

for you to compensate me, Nick.

Do we have an understanding between us?

- Scout's honor.

- Good.

Get the hell out of here,
I have another meeting.

- Okay, thanks.

- Hold on, so you're
telling me Andrea's missing?

- I'm saying she never boarded her plane

and she isn't returning her calls.

- And?

- [Tom] Well it's not like her.

- Yes it is, actually.

- But this feels different.

I mean my gut's telling
me she's in trouble.

- Okay, you wanna hear my
take on this situation?

- [Tom] Yes please.

- When Andrea came to us and announced

that she was gonna take a leave of absence

I think we all knew that she would be gone

for seven to eight months at least.

- Seven to eight months, why so long?

- So the baby could be born.

- Andrea's pregnant?

- Hmm, guess you didn't know that.

(door lock clicking)

- [Maryanne] Here's your lunch.

- Thank you.

- I checked the newspaper and the internet

and there wasn't any
mention of your missing.

[Maryanne] Maybe your brother's not

looking for you after all.

- Or maybe he is and the press
just doesn't know it yet.

- I guess we'll see.

- So let's say I stay here, long term.

What do I do about clothes?

- Clothes?

- I'll be too big for what I have.

- I have to admit, I was a
little surprised you dropped by

after uh, what happened on our last visit.

- I um, I want to apologize.

Nick and I weren't in a very
good state of mind that day.

- What's past is past.

- I have a favor to ask.

- You haven't been talking
to our lord and savior

Pat Sajak again, have you?

- No, I uh,

I was wondering if I could

borrow some maternity clothes.

- You are?

Woo!

Oh! I'm so happy for you and Nick!

Muzzle top! (laughs)

That's so exciting!

You've, you've got that look.

Your boobs are bigger today. (laughs)

How you feeling?

You sick? You puking a lot?

You puking a lot?

For me, brushing teeth,
bananas, (imitates vomiting).

When are you due?

I hope it's a girl, do
you think it'll be a girl?

Are you carrying low?

You eating a lot of beef?

I ate a lot of beef with my girls.

You better pray to Jesus for a C section

'cause those vaginal births
are a pain in the well,

- What?

- Nothing just uh, you
didn't wear your mask

and your voice changey thingy.

- Oh crap!

Well, this is the real me.

Ta-da.

- I like it.

The real you is nice.

What's this?

- Clothes.

For when yours don't fit anymore.

- (sighs) Great.

Uh...

Do you have anything else?

(Nick groaning)
- Come on.

- I don't know why I have to show my face,

just because you forgot
to put your mask on?

- I want her to trust us.

- I know but what if she recognizes me?

- What is she gonna
recognize you from Nick?

- I've got a very recognizable face.

And, I was a pro wrestling
referee for like two years.

I was on TV.

That's what my trophy's
for, the one in the bedroom.

- You're doing this.

(Nick grunting and sighing)

[Maryanne] I'd like you
to meet my husband Nick.

- Hi.

I'm your friendly neighborhood kidnapper.

- Nice to meet you.

- All right well, see ya.

Thanks guys.

Hello.

Hi, hey, hey, wake up.

Hi.

(doctor grunting)

- Where am I?

Who are you people?

- Hush, hush, hush, it's okay, it's okay.

Look you're safe, but
this woman over here,

she needs a pregnancy
exam in the worst way.

- Jasmine?

- No, just give her an exam.

This isn't a request.

(doctor grunting)

- Oh...

I can't do that.

- No you can, you can,
you can make it, ya know?

- I'm not that kind of a doctor.

- Oh, what kind of a doctor are you?

- You realize they kidnapped me, right?

- What a small world, me too.

Um, I don't have any tools.

Do you have a Popsicle stick?

- [Nick] Here you go.

- Oh, thank you.
- Really? You just had that?

- [Doctor] Open wide, lemme see here.

Those are teeth.

All, all these,

- [Nick] Yes?

- These they have to come out.

- All of 'em?
- I think so.

- [Nick] Okay.

- Are you--
- Do you have pliers?

- [Nick] I, I have vice grips.

- [Doctor] A vice grip?

- [Andrea] Fresh out of vice grips.

- [Nick] Maybe I can get,

(baton thunking)
[Nick] Aw!

(doctor grunting)

- A dentist Nick, really?

- I don't know I was supposed to know.

- Well, you were supposed to make sure

he is who he says he is,
before you kidnap him.

- Right well, Jasmine just called

and said that she had another doctor.

I just picked him up, that's not my fault.

- Well, what are we supposed to do now?

- [Nick] Maybe Dr. Fendo
is at the club tonight?

- Nick, she's already three weeks past due

her last check up.

- Okay then we'll just drug her up

and take her to Dr. Evans

and say she's your handicapped cousin.

- No.

- (sighs) Then you come up with something.

I'm tired of being the
brains of this operation.

- Nick, I don't know if I can
get through this next year.

- You wanna give up?

- I don't know.

- Look, we've already come this far.

And...

With my criminal record,
I mean, there's a lot more

at stake than just a baby.

- All right, yeah.

We can get through this.

- We can, we can.

- A tip just called.

It could break the
Martinez case wide open.

Oh, and they just announced you

are the new Captain of Detectives!

I have got two prostitutes
from the red light district

waiting outside to celebrate with us.

- How many abortion clinics
do you think there are

in this city?

- Oh, come on man, you can't keep this up.

- My sister getting pregnant
was the lead we needed.

- Okay, okay.

20 bucks.

20 bucks says that she
is sitting on a beach

somewhere in the Bahamas.

She is sipping a virgin margarita...

On the rocks.

And she's thinking to herself, oh, oh,

I should probably call Tom.

- There's no paper trail.

No credit card activity.

It's like she vanished into thin air.

- That's because she's
paying for it with cash.

- You don't know Andrea.

I mean, she's too driven
and work psychotic

to let an unplanned
pregnancy inconvenience her.

- Okay, okay, I don't know, I don't know.

But what I do know is that
you are too close to this

to look at it objectively.

- Do me one more favor, check
out these abortion clinics.

- If this is another dead end
promise me you'll drop this

and start working our other cases.

- Trust me.

- [Man On TV] I can't.

There's so many.

(loud hissing)
- Oh!

- [Man On TV] The monsters!

[Nick] I'm home!

Back from fending off evil.

- Shhh
- The world is safe

another day.
- Shhh.

- [Nick] What are you guys watching?

- Dinner's in the fridge.

- Do I have to heat it up?

- What?

- Nothing. By the way, she dies.

(monster roaring)
(women screaming)

- Oh gosh, I didn't see that coming.

Soup's on.

- [Andrea] Hey come here.

- What's wrong?

- Nothing, nothing, just feel it.

(both women gasp)

- Feel that?

- I felt it kick.

- [Andrea] She's been really active today.

- She?

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's a her.

- [Maryanne] Hey, rise and shine.

- What's this?

- Well, every pregnancy
needs a baby shower. (laughs)

- Cute! Thank you.

Nick, did you make this?

- [Nick] You betcha.

- And this one.

- Oh that is darling.

I love it.

She look good?

Nick, what do you think?

- Uh huh.

- Oh Nick, she looks so cute.

- It's perfect, she loves it.

- She says, thank you mommy.

- And then one Nick chose.

- Yeah, it's uh, a horse.

- It is a lovely horse.

Thank you Nick.

- It's more of pony, really, huh?

- Yeah, yeah definitely a pony.

- [Maryanne] Cute little
saddle and bridle on it.

(Nick sighing)

- [Maryanne] Hey Superman,
something on your mind?

- Yeah, where's the money
coming from for all this stuff?

- I got another credit card.

- Maryanne, we're already
up to our eyebrows in debt.

And we got another four months of this.

- I know, I know, but I just
wanna keep her comfortable

and why spare any expense
on our baby, you know?

You better get going.

You're gonna be late for work.

- Yeah, right.

(door opening and closing)

(Maryanne sighing)

- Tom come here.

You my friend, are going
to want to see this.

- What are we looking at?

- I got the security
camera footage from a few

of the abortion clinics up town.

It's around the same time
your sister missed her flight.

Right there.

- I want a make on that van.

And a list of everyone who owns one.

- Everyone?

- Localize the search.

- Tom, that's still going
to be in the thousands.

- Nazir, that's my sister.

- All right, I'm on it.

(fist pounding)

- [Maryanne] Hey.

- [Andrea] Hey.

- I'm glad you came up.

- Yeah, you left the door unlocked.

- You look really good.

- Really?

Because I kinda feel like
a soccer mom just threw up

all over me, so...

- (laughs) No, you um,

you look like a regular
every day expectant mother.

You kinda have a glow.

- Thanks.

- Are you hungry?

- Starving, yes.

- Well, breakfast is served.

- (sighs) This is nice.

- Yes, it is.

- I can't even remember the last time

I just enjoyed the sun.

- Look, I'm sorry...

I'm sorry that we're keeping you prisoner.

- Andrea.

- Say what?

- My name is Andrea.

You don't have to be sorry.

- I don't?

- Nope.

- Well, Andrea, would you
like a chocolate truffle?

- Yes! Oh!

Mm.

You know what would make
this moment perfect?

- What?

- Can't be too careful.

- I suppose not.

(ladies breathing rhythmically)

- Feel free a little
bit, a little bit harder.

Oh!
- Yeah?

How's that? Right there?

- Mm hmm, mm hmm.

(ladies breathing rhythmically)

(Maryanne groans)

- [Maryanne] Yeah.

- That good?
- Mm hmm.

- Right there?
- Mm hmm.

(breathing rhythmically)
Nick, where ya going?

- Away.

Sugar Daddy's home.

Oh, you made me a steak!

Oh I'm so--
- Oh this isn't for you.

- What?

What am I gonna eat?

- [Maryanne] Macaroni and
cheese is on the stove.

- Can I at least get hotdogs cut up in it?

- [Maryanne] Of course!

- Can you cook them?

They're better when they're
from the stove. (groans)

- Oh yeah!

Oh I've been needing this so bad!

(moans) just a little bit down.

Yeah, yeah, (laughs) oh yeah.

Why didn't I get kidnapped sooner?

(toilet flushing)

- I'm sorry about being
upset about dinner.

You wanna make up?

- I've decided to let Andrea go.

- Who?

- Andrea, our prisoner.

My friend.

- Is that her name?

- We can't keep her anymore,

and we can't keep her child.

- Well, I wish Jesus would
make up his god damn mind.

- Nick, grow up.

We can't do this.

- Me grow up?

You're the one that just
said not so long ago

that we should stay--

- I know, I know what I said.

I was wrong.

- All right.

I think I know what's happening here.

You're just getting cold feet.

- I'm not getting cold feet.

- It's normal for a new mother to

you know, get a little bit nervous as

that blessed day draws near.

- It's not drawing near
and I'm not nervous.

We just have to let her go free.

- And then she goes and
tells her brother the cop

and I get arrested

and I go back to jail.

Is that what you want?

- No, that's not what I want.

- Do me a favor, I mean
really think about this.

Take a couple weeks or couple months.

- Three days.

- 10 days.

- Three days.

- Five days?

- Three days.

- A fortnight?

- One day.

- Three days.

I'm glad we got that settled.

- Yes, can I please speak
to a Julian Van Dyke please?

- Mr. Van Dyke isn't in at the moment.

Is there anything I can help you with?

- Yes, I'm with Metro
Police and I'm inquiring

about a van that Mr. Van Dyke owns.

- Roach, that is.

Mr. Van Dyke does not have

the possession of the van anymore.

- Could you tell me how
I can get a hold of him?

- He doesn't have a specific address,

so I'm gonna have him call you back.

- Thank you very much.

Roach.

Hello Mr. Van Dyke.

You've been busy.

- [Nazir] You got something?

- Yeah.

Road trip.

- Any messages?

(cartridge clattering)
- Bollocks.

- Uh, what was that?

- Did anyone call on the telephone,

while I wasn't here?

- Nope, no messages.

Been quiet as a church around here.

- Something wrong?

- Geez, why would something be wrong?

- I don't know, you're acting all weird.

- Nothing weird here.

- Okay, don't talk back to me.

- Quit fiddle-fucking with your gun

and get out of my seat.

- Are you sure this is the place?

- This is the address that
Roach, Mr. Van Dyke gave

when he was questioned
by robbery-homicide.

What have we got here?

Bingo.

- Oh thank god, did you get food?

What is that?

- It's sushi from the filler station.

Andrea wanted me to try some,

so I figured why not?

- Did you at least get me a hot dog?

- Um, it's expensive to keep
a pregnant woman around.

- Yeah, don't I know it!

- [Maryanne] She has needs.

- What about your husband's needs?

Why don't we get some food in this place?

God, like half the fridge is batteries.

(knocking on door)

Can you get the door?

No, nevermind, let me just get it.

Why don't you just hang
out with your bestie?

Yes?

- Sir, I'm Detective Bowers,
this is Detective Cooler.

- [Nazir] Kular.

- Like to ask you a couple
questions about your van.

- What van?

- The van parked in the driveway.

- Oh that van.

- Can you account for the
location of your vehicle

between the hours of noon and four p.m.

on the 13th of July?

- 13th.

- It was a Monday.

- Uh, it was here, yeah, with me.

- You're positive about that.

- So if we were to ask your wife,

would she corroborate your story?

- My vife?

- Yes, your wife, the
woman that just walked into

the premises a minute ago.

- Uh huh.

- Sir, are you sure your van
wasn't on Fourth and Hamilton?

- Why would my van be
at an abortion clinic?

- We never said anything
about an abortion clinic.

- Yes you did, yeah, you did.

- Sir are you lying to us?

'Cause if you're lying, well,
it'll get pretty hard for ya.

- You know, we were there.

- We?

- My vife and I, we were there.

But not for an abortion, for probortion.

- You were protesting?

- Mm hmm, yep.

- There were no organized
protests that day.

- Yeah, it wasn't organized,
it's just the two of us,

like a date night, just some small signs.

- So just the two of you, huh?

- See my wife and I, we are Christians

and we don't believe in abortion

and so we rain hellfire and
brimstone down on sinners.

It's our duty.

- Something wrong with your face?

- Why would you say that? (laughs)

- May we talk to your wife?

- No.
- Why not?

- It'd only take a minute.

- Well she's super busy.

- Busy?

- We've got roaches.

- Roaches?

- Yeah, they're everywhere
it's infestation, I just,

- It's interesting you'd say that.

- Very interesting actually.

- Tell you what, here's my card.

Have your wife call me at her convenience.

- Okay.

- [Nazir] Sir? Do you need to urinate?

- I do, I thank you. Bye.

Maryanne!

- What's wrong?

- The van was here
asking about the police.

- What?

- No, the police were
here asking about the van

and they wanted to talk to you.

- What did you tell them?

- I said you were busy.

- Nick, why did you tell them that?

They're, they're, they're
gonna get suspicious.

- I know, I just, I just started talking

and then everything went black and I, I,

I didn't know what to do,

- Oh, okay, okay.
- I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know what to do.
- Okay just breathe.

- Going back to jail, I
don't wanna go back to jail.

- No no no, no one's
going back to jail, shhh.

(Andrea humming a lullaby)

- All right, first we're
gonna need some roaches,

go and get a box, I think I
saw some at the nightclub.

Oh my gosh I cannot believe
I let you talk me into this.

- What? Are you out of your mind?

I did not talk you into this.

- You did! You did!

It was the medical stuff and the,

the Jesus!
(Maryanne gasping)

The damn Jesus!

Ohh, you got me all confused in my head.

I was making poor decisions.

- This is not my fault.

You will not blame me or
my Jesus or the Holy Bible

or my hostile uterus!

- I swear I arrested
that guy a few years ago.

- He definitely knows something.

- Yes he does.

And that gives us probable
cause for a warrant.

(distant arguing)

- Tom. Tom!

Tom it's me! It's Andrea!

- Why, what are you talking about?

- Tom! Tom!
- What was that?

- Andrea.

- Get the cuffs.

Maryanne, get the cuffs!
- No! No Nick!

Lemme go! Tom!

- It's okay, it's okay.

(Andrea screaming)

- Now what?

(Andrea mumbling)

What?

I can't hear 'cause she's
got the tape on her mouth.

- Nick focus.

- [Nick] We need to get rid of her.

(Andrea squeaks questioningly)

No, no no, not like that.

We were gonna let you go anyway.

Just do it sooner, right?

- Yeah, we were.

Where are we gonna take her?

- Go get the lampshade from our bedroom?

(Andrea squeaks questioningly)

Put it on top of her head,
throw her in the van,

drop her off outside an antique shop.

It'll just look like we're
dropping off an old lamp, right?

And then when they go
outside, they go oh hey,

look at this lamp, there's a person there.

- Do you wanna explain
that to me one more time?

- It appears a police
officer called inquiring

about the whereabouts of
your van, while you were out.

- And?

- And I might have accidentally
mentioned your nickname.

Allegedly.

I was distracted at the moment.

- Oh, okay.

Lemme see this.

Thank you.

Does it have that part
where Veronica was talking

about how Nick is too much of an idiot

and a moron to keep his mouth
shut in front of the cops?

(Archie whimpering)

Gentlemen, today's moving day.

- Oh, I hate moving day.

- That's good, let's go.

- Where to boss?

- Where do you think, idiot?

Going to get the other van.

- Oh.

- Okay, you got it?
- I'll lift, I'll lift it

down from,

Maryanne.

- What? I'm trying to lift her.

- [Nick] Someone is looking at our lamp.

- [Maryanne] You boys go on now.

- Yeah get out of here!
- Go on!

- Shoo!
- Don't make me call your mom!

- Go on, we don't come to your house

and look at your lamps.

Okay let's just,

(Maryanne grunting)

Here we go, okay I got it, I got it.

- You got it?

No we don't, okay set her down.

- [Nick] Yeah, well, I got it to here.

- Okay.

- I got it, I got it.

- Okay.

- Oh Nick.

- Yeah?

(Maryanne groaning)

Babe are you okay?

- Yeah, I think I'm gonna be sick.

- Okay, if you're gonna chuke,
no the window, the window.

Oh please just,

Aw!
(Maryanne coughing)

- Nice park job, butt-hole.

Let's do this.

- Move, come on!
- I'm moving!

I'm bloody moving!

(Andrea screaming distantly)

Wait, there's someone in there.

- [Roach] Open it.

(Tyrell groaning)
(Roach coughing)

- [Tyrell] Oh man, what's that smell?

- Smells like Japanese gone wrong.

Horribly wrong.

(Andrea yelling through tape)

- My mum had a lamp like that.

Wasn't a talking lamp though.

(Andrea screaming and whimpering)

- Is that her Tyrell?

- [Tyrell] Yeah, that's her.

- Okay, it looks like we're gonna take

exactly what we came here for, okay?

All nine months of gesteration.

(hand thumping belly)
(Andrea screaming)

(Archie laughing)

You're driving the van.

- Oh.

- [Roach] Let's go get Bighead Mike.

I'll drop you off.

- Bloody tarp.

Oh, god.

Really?

(knocking on door)

- Baby you alright?

- [Maryanne] Just give me a second.

- Okay, well, we gotta take that lamp

to the antique shop.

(Nick inhales and grunts)

Are you alright?

- Do I look alright?

(Nick grunts)

I got it.

- [Nick] Okay.

- No, I don't got it.
- Go go go go go.

(Maryanne vomiting)

We're gonna have to repaint, aren't we?

(Maryanne coughing)

You know, let's just burn
this whole room down.

Oh my gosh.

Are you sure you're okay?

- Yeah, that sushi was a bad idea,

but I'm feeling much,

- What happened to the van?

- It was right there.

- Where's the van?

Who took the van?

- Well that's what I just said.

- Did the cops take the van?

- Why would the police take the van?

- I don't know, maybe
it's part of some sort

of Homeland Security thing or something?

- No no no no no no, it
had to be someone else.

Someone must have been watching us.

Well, I don't know, I (breathes heavily)

Boys did you see who took the van?

- I think I know who took her.

- Roach!

Oh this is bad.

Nick, Nick what if he
does something to her.

Nick, the baby.

- How are we gonna
catch 'em without a car?

Hey guys.

Look...

You guys know super heroes, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Well, probably shouldn't say this,

but the Mrs. and I are super heroes.

We're not wearing our
costumes or anything,

but we're trying to save this lady,

a friend of hers from a bad guy.

And we need to use your bikes.

What do you guys say?

You guys wanna be some
sidekicks for the day?

Give us your bikes?

- No.

- [Maryanne] Offer them some money.

- You guys take credit cards?

- [Boy] No.

- I know what we can give them.

- What?

Just take really really
good care of them, alright?

Don't hold the corners, and
wash your hands really really

good before you take
'em out of the plastic.

They mean a lot to me.

- Come on, we gotta go.

- Goodbye.

- [Roach] Take her gag off.

- Wait.

It's best to remove it quickly.

- Are you sure?
- Mm, positive.

(tape ripping)
(Andrea screaming)

Or maybe it was slow.

- Ow, what were you thinking?

- [Archie] So sorry.

- I'm thinking you got one minute

to tell me exactly what I need to know.

- I don't know anything.

I was just trying to go on vacation

and this couple abducted
me and they put me

in their basement and then they made me

wear these god awful clothes and,

and then, and then she vomited in the van.

(Andrea crying)

- You abducted a crazy woman.

- Yeah. Arch, you're on lookout.

No surprises this time.

- Right, on it.

(Andrea crying)

- Listen to me.

Look at me.

I got claim on what it
is growing inside you.

- What?

- I'm talking about when
little baby biscuits

is done baking, Papa Roach
is gonna have himself

a sexy little profit.

- You can't.

- What? What's that?

- I said you can't.

- You hear that Mike?

She says we can't do this no more.

- Oh man, what you gonna do Roach?

- I know right?

I guess we should just untie
her and just let her go.

- Really? You would do that?

Oh thank you.
- Yeah, no.

We would never do that.

(Andrea gasps)

You would do that?

(knocking on door)

- Police.

We have a warrant to enter the premises.

(dogs barking in background)

Now we go in.

- Clear.

Clear.

Detectives you gotta see this.

- What the hell kind of
pleasure palace is this?

Hey Tom.

- What do you got Nazir?

- Now correct me if I'm wrong,

but that definitely looks like pictures

of a baby fetus.

- They could be anyone's.

I found this, I think
that's Julian Van Dyke's

place of business.

- [Nazir] How do you know for sure?

- On the back.

- Julian.

- [Officer] Detective.

- [Nazir] Well?

- It's hers.

Seal the house and canvas the area.

Nazir let's go.

- [Nazir] Got it, now
cover up that damn unicorn.

- Nick!

- What?

- What are we doing here?

- This is where Roach
keeps all his stolen goods.

I figured he might bring Andrea here.

- But, do you think he
would be that stupid?

- Well, apparently.

Look, there's the van.

- So, what's the plan?

- Plan.

We come up with a plan.

I've got a multitool.

It's like a bat utility belt

but like you know, like smaller.

- Nick, focus, focus.

- Okay, new plan, gimme your phone.

- Looks like someone knew we were coming.

(cell phone ringing)

- Detective Bowers.

- [Nick On Cellphone] Roach
(mumbles) Andrea here.

- Who is this?

- [Nick On Cellphone] Uh, okay let's

(phone clicks)

- Yeah, I know the place Tyrell.

Okay, see you in a couple hours.

Well, preg-alicious,
looks like you get to go

on vacation after all.

- Where are you taking me?

- Well you're just gonna
have to find out, ain't ya?

(cell phone ringing)

Hold on, I gotta take this.

- Please.

- Don't go anywhere.

Roach here.

Yep, of course they're primo toilet lids.

No, why would I shit ya about that?

- We need to make sure Andrea's okay.

- Nick, I really think we
should wait for the police.

- The police? No.

This could turn into a hostage situation.

We don't want Andrea getting hurt.

Maryanne, can you trust me?

- Okay, yeah.

But Nick, they have guns.

- That's okay, you've got me.

And I've got you.

Now open your purse.

- What is that?

- It's Saran Wrap.

- Are you ready?

- Yeah, let's kick some ass.

That's Archie.

(cartridge clatters on floor)
- Bollocks.

(toilet seat clatters)
What the hell?

(toilet seat lid clatters)

- (sighs) I can't hit his hand.

- Try aiming for a bigger target.

- Who's out there?

(toilet seat thunking)
oh bollocks.

(gun firing)

- What the hell was that?

- Sounded like a gunshot.

Will you go check it out?

- Roach, I came on this 'cause
you said it was a done deal.

- It is.

- [Mike] Doesn't sound like it.

- [Roach] Well, I gotta
stay here with her.

- How about I stay here with her?

- Will you just trust
me and go check it out.

- I don't have to do a damn thing.

- Alright, tell you what,
I'll sweeten the deal.

I'll give you Chloe's number,
she never calls me anyway.

Fine, 60/40?

- 55/45.

- 45 you?
- Yeah.

- Fine, 55/45, you want my first born too?

- Do you even know who your first born is?

- Probably not.
(both laughing)

Thanks Mike.
- Uh huh.

(light clicking)

(Archie moans)
(Mike gasps)

Aw shit!

(Archie mumbles through tape)

- Who did this?

(Archie mumbles through tape)

Are you alright?

(Archie mumbles through tape)

Shit, who did this to you?

(Archie mumbles insistently through tape)

I can't understand you, what?

(Archie mumbles through tape)

- [Nick] We've come for the girl.

(Archie mumbles through tape)

- I didn't sign up for
this man, I'm sorry, I.

- Hmm.

- Yes!

Come on, come on, thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

(sirens wailing)

(helicopter blades chopping)

- [Officer Through
Bullhorn] Get on the ground.

- [Mike] All right, okay.

I'm gonna kill you Roach.

(switch clicking)
(Andrea gasping)

- What's going on?

- Somebody's royally pissing
me off, that's what's going on.

It's time to go.

- [Andrea] What are you doing?

- You'll see.

Nicky is that you?

(Roach grunting)

Son of a, it's not fair.

Deal with you in a minute, baby mama.

Nicholas?

I'm about done with you.

You hear me Nicholas?

(forklift engine roaring)

Nick, you know what?

I ain't afraid of you.

Done 137 jobs, ain't never been caught.

I'm uncatchable!

I'm unstoppable!

I may even be untouchable.

Oh, so that's how it's
gonna be, huh Nicky?

Bang, come at me!
(gun firing)

Come on!

(gun clicking)

Wait.

Okay, alright, I'll put down my gun,

you put down the forklift,

we'll work something out.

I thought we were friends, Nick!

- Excelsior!

(purse thunking)

Welcome to Job 138 Roach.

Consider yourself caught,
stopped, and touched.

Have fun in prison asshole.

- [Maryanne] Andrea?

- All right, well, great, this is great.

Let's go before the cops come.

They're gonna be here any second alright?

- [Tom] Freeze!

- Or they're already here.

- [Andrea] Tom!

- Andrea.

Andrea, you're gonna be okay.

(Andrea sobbing)

- Come on.

- Come on!
- Stop yelling in my ear!

You take it easy!

I'll have your badge!

- [Mike] Why you put him
in the same car as me?

- I'll get you Nick!
- Aw come on!

- I'll get you Nick!
- Come on!

- I'll have your blood!
I'll have your blood!

- [Nick] Look it's gonna be okay.

- You don't know that.

- I've been through this before.

We'll get our stories straight

and then we'll have the lawyer cop a plea.

- Are you telling me to,

to not be completely truthful?

- I'm saying just stretch it a little bit.

It's better than what we've been doing.

Maryanne, we had a person in our basement.

- Shhh.

- People lie all the time.

Our lawyer will probably advise it.

- I'm not going to go into a court of law,

place my hand on the Holy Bible and commit

the sin of perjury.

My mantra through this
whole ordeal will be honesty

from Detective Bowers
way on up to the judge.

- I'm just saying that you can make it

a whole lot easier on yourself.

You're too beautiful for prison.

- And I'll tell you one more thing Nick,

I am not going to prison.

- Where ya gonna go instead, Club Med?

It's not like you're gonna
have a whole lot of say

in the matter.

- Yeah well,

I'm not getting a tattoo.

- Oh you're definitely getting a tattoo.

- My body is a temple
and the temple of God

shall not be defiled.

- You gotta be a part of a gang,

to be in the gang you gotta get a tattoo.

That's how it works.

- Well, they're just
gonna have to accept me

the way I am.

- No, they're not a
very accepting society.

- So what, you're telling
me that you're in a gang?

- Follow me.

Have a seat.

I need you to sign these.

Okay, you're free to go.

- Really?

- My sister's not pressing
charges against you.

In her statement, she
claims that Mr. Van Dyke,

AKA Roach and his associate
Tyrell were the perpetrators

of the whole thing.

She states that Mr. Van
Dyke, under the threat

of bodily harm, forced
you to keep her locked up

in your basement.

Do you agree with her statement?

- That's exactly how it happened officer.

- Yep, exactly like that.

- Then you're free to go.

- Oh I think I'm gonna be sick,

do you have a ladies room?

- Down the hall on the left.

- Some bad sushi.

I've never seen food
poisoning like that before.

- Or she's pregnant.

- [Nick] You're doing so good baby,

you're doing so good!

Oh my gosh.

(Maryanne whining)

- Nurse, nurse, nurse, when is the doctor

gonna get here?

- Everything is gonna be fine.

Sometimes they just get
here in time to catch.

(Maryanne growls)

(Maryanne whimpers)

- You're doing so good.

- Nick, get that video
camera out of my face

before I rip your head off,

shove it down your hole, I swear!

- [Nick] It's alright,
it's alright, you're,

oh you're so sweaty, oh.

- Nick, I'm not kidding, turn it off.

- [Nick] This happens, once in when?

We're catching it on video.

- No!
(Maryanne crying)

Nick! Nick I'm not kidding!

I'm not kidding, turn it off.

- [Nick] But you look so beautiful.

- (growling) Now!

(Maryanne yelling and panting)

(Maryanne yelling)
(baby crying)

He is an honest to goodness miracle.

- Yes he is.

And he shall be known as, Bruce Kent.

- No.
- Wayne Clark.

- Nick, no.

- Nick?

Nick Fury.

- No.
- Yes.

(Archie mumbling questioningly)

(Archie mumbling angrily)

(jovial music)