Adam Newman: Fuzzies (2017) - full transcript

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[indistinct chatter]

-Here you go. -Okay, all right.

Check. One, two.

All right, I think that sounds pretty good.

[mike screeches]

Now, is it gonna keep doing that?

[man] I don't know, uh...

[mike screeches]

We can move on, though.

-I think that's good. -All right.

Yeah, just one more thing.



Just after your whole skit or whatever,

just after that, don't drop the mike, okay?

Yeah, but this is my first hour special.

I kind of...

You know, I kind of always thought I'd kill,

and there'd be, like, a standing ovation,

and I'd drop the mike,

and it would be bad ass, you know?

[man] Oh, yeah. Like Chris Rock?

Yeah.

[man] All right, well, he already did it,

so you don't need to do it.

How you feeling? You good? We ready to move on?

Yeah, I feel good. The lights are good at least.



[man] The lights are good? All right, great.

-Yeah, I think so. -Great.

Okay.

Is that gonna keep happening?

[man] That's not my department, I don't know.

Okay.

Well, that's the thing about the mike drop,

I really wanted to do a mike drop when I was done.

[man ] What if I come to your house,

and I grab all the microphones in your house,

and I smash them up.

Would you like that?

Yeah, you know what? If you videotaped it

and put it on TV to look badass, I think I would like it.

[man] Well, I don't think that you really think that.

Dude, just don't drop the mike, okay?

No promises I'm not dropping the mike.

If the show goes great,

and they're all standing up, and I kill it,

I'm dropping the mike and I'm getting off stage.

You can't tell me not to drop the mike on my special.

[man] I will bang your wife.

I don't have a wife.

[man] We have to load the audience in,

so get the fuck off my stage.

All right. Okay. Okay, fine. Okay, fine.

I make no promises I'm not doing it.

[man] Ladies and gentlemen, here he is,

Adam Newman!

[cheers and applause]

Hello.

Thank you.

Athens, Georgia. Thank you very much.

[applause stops]

Oh, and you stopped very quickly.

Wow, that was like...

It was as high as I've ever seen it,

and then I felt alone right away,

so, thanks for that. Good.

Um, thank you guys so much for coming out.

I wanted to do it in Athens, Georgia,

and you came, and we're doing it,

and this is very exciting for me,

so thank you very much.

[cheers and applause]

No, I wanted to do it here.

This is my favorite place in the world.

I used to work here, and, like, I don't mean, like...

Like, I used to work there. I used to work right there.

I was a security guard at the Georgia Theater

when I was in college.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you can tell.

Obviously, I was a security guard.

I used to stand right there,

and during Appetite for Destruction,

the world's premier Guns N' Roses experience,

we had a frat dude pull his dick out,

and I shined my flashlight on him,

and the guy would be like,

"What the fuck are you gonna do?"

And then, the big guys on the side would go get him.

And I'd be like, "That's what the fuck I'm gonna do."

So, it's an awesome job.

I love being here,

and it's really great to be able to perform here.

So, thanks for coming.

[applause]

This is awesome.

Um, I would like to start with one political joke.

I hope you don't mind.

I don't want to polarize the audience

or anything like that,

but I do think it's important

to start with something like this,

kind of see where we're at.

So, here we go.

Uh, "Four more years" is a fun thing to yell

at a candidate you like, right?

Not a cool thing to yell at a 14-year-old girl you like.

Okay, that's it.

That's it for the political stuff, all right?

[laughter]

Some of you took a little longer to get the math

than the other people.

[laughter]

I was in New York a few weeks ago,

and I got lunch with a buddy, just the two of us.

Lunch was great, service was great.

Halfway through our meal,

the manager came over and goes,

"Just letting you guys know

I'm gonna be your waiter for the rest of your meal.

Your waitress, her fake breast exploded.

[laughter]

And she had to go to the emergency room."

And I was like, "Oh, my God,

did she tell you to tell us that?"

[laughter]

And he goes, "What?"

And I go, "Did the waitress tell you to tell us

that her breast exploded and that's why she had to go?"

And he said, "No."

So, I said, "Oh, then, you know, you could have just told us

her shift was over, right?

Like, you didn't have to get so personal about it."

[laughter]

I don't think the waitress wanted everybody to know.

I don't think the waitress was doing her little side work,

sprung a leak, and was like,

"Fuck, tell everybody in the restaurant,

tell everybody exactly what's happening to my body."

She didn't want everybody to know.

The two guys eating lunch in the booth behind us

must have overheard the manager.

I heard one guy go to his buddy,

he goes, "Yes, you owe me ten bucks."

[laughter]

"Why? What bet is that?"

Probably he bet his buddy

the waitress had fake breasts, right?

That's a much more likely scenario.

I like to think it was a less likely scenario

and he bet his buddy,

"Yo, I bet you ten bucks that one's about to pop."

I like that so much better.

[laughter]

All right, we're about two minutes in,

let's skip to the dirty stuff.

You ready for it? Here we go. All right.

[cheering]

Um, I'm caught up on every TV show.

Everything you binge on, on HBO GO, Netflix,

everything you stay home,

you watch 40 episodes in a row of whatever.

I've seen every episode of everything.

I had a night off a few nights ago,

I thought I would stay in and watch

the weirdest B horror movie I could find on Netflix.

And I came across the movie WolfCop.

Have any of you guys seen that one yet?

Has anyone seen WolfCop ?

A couple of you? Great. I'm glad a couple of you have.

You can back me up

that everything I'm about to say about it is completely true.

The rest of you who have not seen WolfCop ,

you get it, right? Like...

I don't have to explain what happens in Wolf...Cop .

It's a... It's a werewolf movie.

And like every werewolf movie,

you're waiting for that first transformation scene, right?

The first time they turn into the werewolf

is always the best scene.

Michael Jackson in "Thriller."

You want to see that first time he turns into a werewolf.

Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf,

you want to see that first transformation scene.

Even a non-werewolf movie like The Incredible Hulk,

you want to see that first time he hulks out, right?

What do all three of those transformation scenes

have in common?

You never see the dick change, right?

[laughter]

You have never once seen the dick transform

in any of those monster movies

in the history of monster movies, correct?

[laughter]

Guess what happens in WolfCop .

[laughter]

I bet you can guess what happens in WolfCop.

You see his dick change... first.

It's the first fucking part of him that changes.

I don't know why they don't do that in every werewolf movie.

It's the greatest thing I've ever seen.

There is a police officer in WolfCop

that turns into a werewolf,

dick first.

And I'm sorry to spoil it for you,

spoiler alert, WolfCop, 2014,

you can watch it when you get home on Netflix.

There's a cop, he's like an alcoholic,

he's at a bar,

he goes to the bathroom to go pee, right?

And they don't show his dick right away.

They show him standing in a urinal,

and they show his pee stream,

and it's yellow like a normal pee stream.

All of a sudden, the pee stream turns from yellow to red.

[laughter]

Ew, right? Gross. No one wants to see that.

I don't want to see that.

But you do got to imagine, if you're a human

and your body's about to go through all the changes

from human to wolf,

there's going to be internal bleeding, right?

It's a very realistic portrayal of what happens internally

if you want to look at it like that.

I goes from yellow to red, and it cuts to his face.

He's looking down like, "I don't like that.

I don't like that whole situation.

Not what I signed up for when I went to go pee."

Then they show the dick for the first time,

and it's already not a human dick,

but it's also not a wolf dick yet.

[laughs]

Wolf dick, they're over there.

I don't know why.

[laughter]

It's somewhere in between.

It's just like a big, swollen, white potato.

It looks like a fucking potato.

And it cuts back to his face.

He's looking down like, "I don't want it to be a potato.

I didn't sign up for a potato when I went to go pee."

Then they show the dick for the second time.

And now, it's twice as big, and it's swelling.

And the camera angle is down here.

So, you have these, like, wolf potato balls,

like, in your face,

while you have his face in the background

going through the whole range of emotions

one would go through

if your dick were turning into a potato.

[laughter]

Then, they show the dick for the third time,

and now it's three times as big,

and it's pulsing, and it's swelling,

and it's bleeding.

And then, all of a sudden,

it explodes, and there's blood everywhere.

And out from the explosion

just comes a big, old, black, hairy dog dick,

and I've never seen anything like that in a movie

in my entire life.

And the truth is, I haven't seen the whole movie yet, okay?

I haven't. I haven't seen it 'cause I had to stop it.

I had to stop it right there.

Not 'cause of why you think.

Because I had to rate it five stars on the spot

'cause I've never seen a scene like that in a movie in my life

and I thought it deserved it.

Five stars for a WolfCop #wolfcock.

And here's the thing.

Here's the thing. I know a lot of you have never--

Clap if you've never seen me perform stand-up live before.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, "Ouch," but okay, I get it, I get it.

I knew that though. I knew that though going in.

A lot of you haven't seen me,

so for me to come out and basically open

with five minutes about a wolf penis, that's risky.

I'm gonna lose some of the audience.

I know that going in.

You guys are weirdly on board for that,

so thank you very much for that.

But my point is,

whether you like that joke or not,

who's probably going home

and watching the first 20 minutes of WolfCop ?

There you go. I don't get paid shit for that.

[applause]

Now, because of that WolfCop joke,

because of the last four minutes of all of our lives,

I was offered a role in WolfCop 2.

[laughter]

What happened was I saw the movie

about a year and a half ago,

I started talking about it on stage, people were laughing,

so I put an early version of the joke on YouTube, right?

Comedians never do that.

We don't want you to see an early version of a joke.

We want you to see the finished product,

but what I was thinking was,

"I just saw this movie.

Once all the other comedians see the movie,

they're all gonna start talking about it.

I gotta get my version online

so everybody knows that I was doing it first, right?"

Cut to a year and a half later,

it turns out I still got the market pretty cornered

on WolfCop material.

[laughter]

Didn't really catch on like I thought it would

in the comedy community.

[laughter]

But I had a friend email me who saw it, and he goes,

"Hey, man, I know the guy who wrote and directed WolfCop.

Do you mind if I forward this along to him?"

And I said, "Please do."

And the guy liked it.

He started following me on Twitter.

We started having a little back and forth,

and then half the cast and crew started following me,

and we started having a little back and forth.

And they all live in this tiny, little town in Canada, okay.

The movie's Canadian.

Obviously, the movie is Canadian.

[laughter]

They all live in this tiny, little town

in Saskatchewan, Canada,

which I just happened to be touring through

last year, right?

It's a little town called Regina, all right?

R-E-G-I-N-A, and I know it's pronounced "Reg-ayna"

because on stage,

I would say, "It's nice to be in 'Reg-eena."

And they come up to you afterwards, and they go,

"It's 'Reg-ayna,' like 'vagina.'"

And you're like, "Okay, save it for the license plates." So.

[laughter]

They all came out and saw me perform,

and they had a great time.

And they came backstage and were drinking beers,

and I got to meet the guy

who wrote and directed WolfCop.

I got to meet half the cast and crew,

I got to meet the special effects guy,

the guy who made the dick.

[laughter]

And they offered me a little role in the sequel,

a little cameo, right?

They were gonna fly me out to Canada,

they were gonna put me in a hotel,

and they were gonna pay me $700 Canadian,

which I was very excited about,

'cause that's like $40 American, you know?

[laughter]

And then, two days before I was supposed to fly out to Canada,

my manager calls me and goes,

"The executive producer of WolfCop --"

You know, big money behind WolfCop.

[laughter]

"...was looking through the payroll sheets,

and was like, 'Who the hell is this guy? Never heard of him.

We're not flying him out

to play a little part in the movie.'" Right?

And they took it away from me, they took it away.

And I was very upset about it,

'cause I was excited to be in the movie,

and then, they took it away.

And so, there's no real ending for this story,

other than to say WolfCop 1, watch it,

it's great, it's fantastic.

WolfCop 2...

Fuck WolfCop 2.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I was supposed to be in it, now I'm not in it,

so it could have been better.

So, WolfCop 1, check it out.

WolfCop 2,

I hope the executive producer of WolfCop 2

chokes on a big, fat, prosthetic wolf cock.

Is that good ending for that bit?

I think that's a pretty good ending.

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

[laughs]

I don't care if that's...

I hope that's the commercial for the special.

[laughter]

Do you guys know that Robert De Niro

has six children

and none of them are named "Mucho"?

Hm, a little change of pace on that one right there, but...

[laughter]

That's the slowest burn I've ever seen on a joke

in my entire life.

Do you guys not speak Spanish

or are you guys, like, explaining it to each other?

[laughter]

I took Spanish at the University of Georgia.

That's a really good thing

if you want to hear a " Hola, y'all."

That's all I heard every single day.

[laughter]

This is a treat to get to perform here.

To get to perform in a theater like this is so fun.

Normally, when I go on the road, I'm performing in comedy clubs.

Comedy clubs are fun too,

but before I go to a comedy club for the first time,

my favorite thing to do is to read the Yelp reviews

and see what maniacs are showing up to comedy clubs,

not having a good time.

That is fascinating to me.

I was in Raleigh, North Carolina,

and this is the best Yelp review

I have ever read for a comedy club.

It was:

"I slipped in the wet lobby and hit my head on a fern,

and everyone laughed at me."

[laughter]

Okay.

Ferns are soft by the way, so who gives a shit?

[laughter]

"Then I ordered the fish dinner, and it gave me diarrhea.

[laughter]

Then the comedian made fun of me.

[laughter]

I didn't like it.

[laughter]

One star."

That Yelp review is funnier

than any comedy show I've ever been to. It really is.

Comedy is my favorite thing in the world.

I hope you guys are having a great time tonight.

I would rather follow that guy around

than see my favorite comedian.

I really would.

I don't know who your favorite comedian is,

Sarah Silverman, Bill Burr...

George Carlin could come back from the dead.

Bill Cosby could un-rape dozens of women.

I would rather follow that guy around

while he slipped, hit his head on things,

shit himself, and people made fun of him.

That's a five-star evening if you ask me.

[applause]

That's a WolfCop evening.

[applause]

I was watching this documentary on evolution.

Everybody has seen the evolution chart

that is a monkey gradually turning into a man, right?

That is the textbook evolution image.

For whatever reason in this documentary,

the chart they were showing was a female monkey

turning into a woman, which is great.

I've just never seen it be a woman

on the evolution chart before.

The woman at the end of the chart was nude

and she was very attractive.

And so, what I want to know is,

where is it okay for me to look at that evolution chart

[laughter]

and still be attracted to the naked lady?

Like, which one of the naked monkey ladies

is still okay for me to be into?

[laughter]

I never thought that before

because it's always been a man on the evolution chart.

I'm not attracted to men.

I imagine women have looked at the evolution chart

all these years

and thought, like, "That one...

[laughter]

Two to the right, right?"

Like the really hairy one hunched over,

like, "That's a man, I like that one."

[laughter]

Now that it's a woman on the evolution chart,

I want to know where the line is where I can go,

"That one. Yeah, they're hairy.

Fuck it, they're hairy, I don't give a shit.

They're the hairiest ones

and they're my favorite ones, okay?"

And the other side of the line, your buddy's gonna go,

"Those are monkey tits,

and that's not okay for you to be into,

even a little bit."

[laughter]

I'm 33 years old. I don't have a single chest hair yet.

When does that come in? Did I miss it?

Is it never? Is it soon?

You a hairy guy? You got anything going on here at all?

Just a little bit?

Fuck you, just a little bit. I'd kill for a little bit.

A little bit's amazing. I want a little bit.

How old were you when your first chest hair came in?

-Probably like ten. -Ten?

[laughter]

That's incredible.

That's incredible.

Ten. Ten years old.

My little brother started getting it at 14.

You know, my dad has it.

My mom has shit tons of it.

I thought I'd have some chest hair

by 33 years old, you know?

I've dated girls who were like, "I wish you had chest hair."

I wish I had some too.

One time I thought I had a chest hair,

and I was so excited,

and I blew on it, and it was an eyelash.

It's never coming in. I know it's not coming.

[laughter]

No chest hair. You know what I do have though?

I have nipples that look like daddy long-legs.

I have that.

[laughter]

There's two little pink dots

with eight long hairs around each one.

That's not a very good look.

[laughter]

I'd shave 'em, but they're gonna come back as tarantulas,

I know it.

[laughter]

I have no chest hair, I'm 6'2", 110 pounds.

The medical term for that is "gross."

It's not great under this thing.

[laughter]

I got no chest hair.

You know, it still get zits.

Are you kidding me, at 33 years old?

I'm wearing makeup now for the special, right?

I had a zit right there before.

I'm like, "Big show, I gotta pop the zit."

So, I popped it.

And you know when you pop a zit

and that white, jizzy stuff comes out of it, right?

And then, I squeezed a little more,

and then, a little bit of blood comes out.

And then, I keep squeezing it,

and then, the white stuff

and the red stuff mixes together,

and there's just this orange stuff on my forehead,

and I'm looking at it, and I'm thinking,

"That's how they make vodka sauce.

I know it. That's how they do it.

That's exactly how they do it."

You go to the back of any Italian restaurant,

it's just a bunch of 13-year-old kids

standing over trays of penne pasta,

"Woo, there you go!"

[disgusted laughter]

What were we talking about?

Oh, yeah, speaking of monkey tits,

me and the girlfriend broke up,

and she does not like that joke. Um...

[laughter]

I did. I got out of a four-year thing.

We were together for four years, and then, it ended.

And it ended as good as a breakup could go.

It was mature and as nice of an ending as possible.

But we lived together,

and now I live by myself,

and I have to buy all the stuff I didn't have to buy before.

Like my favorite part about living with my girlfriend

is I used to use all of her stuff in the shower.

Do any of you guys do that?

[a few cheers]

Yeah? Yeah?

Use my girlfriend's stuff in the shower.

Huh. Interesting.

No, I use her stuff 'cause it's expensive

and it smells good, right?

Like, before I lived with a girl,

the only shower product I ever bought in my whole life

was two-in-one shampoo,

and I used it for my entire body.

And it was fine. Nobody complained about it.

You know, I got her with it.

[laughter]

I didn't know before I lived with a girl

that girls don't even use two-in-one.

Did you know that?

You don't use two-in-one products, do you? No, right?

Two-in-one was invented for guys,

'cause guys will shampoo, and then be like,

"What's that? A conditioner?

Oh, you mean shampoo again?

Fuck that, I'm not doing it again.

I already did it once."

[laughter]

My girlfriend had a separate bottle for everything.

She had a bottle for shampoo, conditioner, face wash,

body wash, moisturizer,

elbow cream, nipple relaxer, butt gel.

And I used all of it.

I used every single thing every time I was in the shower.

I'd take a 40-minute shower, and I live in California.

I don't give a shit. There's no drought.

Every time I turn it on, shit comes out, okay?

[laughter]

I'd leave the shower bright red

'cause I used the wrong thing on the wrong part, right?

Not that part, but you know what I'm saying.

I'd use, like, a harsh foot scrub as a body wash,

'cause I didn't know what it was.

And later in the day, I'd be like,

"Upside, I smell like apricot. I like that.

[laughter]

Downside, I am bleeding through my shirt."

[laughter]

She used to use this stuff called Dudu soap.

Have you ever heard of that before?

D-U-D-U, African Dudu soap.

It looks exactly like what it sounds like,

'cause it's all-natural, brown soap.

I think I discovered it in the shower by mistake.

I think I knocked it over with my elbow or something.

And there's just this brown clump on the tub floor.

And I was like, "What even is that?

Like, did that come out of me?"

I had no idea what it was.

[laughter]

I panicked. I tried to mash it down the drain with my foot.

I imagine that's what you would do if it was doo-doo.

[laughter]

Picked it up, smelled it,

took a bite like the candy bar in Caddyshack.

Used it, just soap, no big deal, got a rash.

[laughter]

We lived together for four years.

One week into living together,

I found pizza crusts behind the toilet, okay?

Nobody told me that all girls eat pizza on the toilet.

[laughter]

It has to be true,

'cause that's how I dealt with it, okay?

[laughter]

We lived in Brooklyn, in New York

when we lived together.

I love living in Brooklyn.

You guys... You can all imagine the crunch under your foot

if you were to step, like, on an empty water bottle right?

What that crunch under your foot would feel like.

I was walking in my neighborhood,

I thought I stepped on a water bottle,

I looked down, I had stepped on a live lobster, okay?

This is true.

On the streets of Brooklyn.

And when I say live lobster, I mean it was fresh, not cooked.

I imagine it was probably already dead

by the time I stepped on it,

because it's hard for a lobster to survive

[laughter]

on the streets of Brooklyn.

[laughter]

What, with drugs,

gangs,

not an ocean,

one of the top reasons easily, but...

I realized stepping on a lobster,

I think a lobster has got to be

one of the only foods you can step on.

I think if I hadn't stepped on that,

I might have brought that home and eaten it, you know.

Why not?

A perfect steak or a sandwich on the side of the road,

you wouldn't think twice about.

Something about a lobster...

A lobster's like a $40 meal, you know?

A lobster's like a toothbrush.

You can boil it, and it's fine.

[laughter]

I just feel like if I brought that home,

I would have gotten busted.

My girlfriend would have come home,

I'd be eating a lobster by myself at the kitchen table,

and she'd be like,

"Where the hell did you get a lobster?"

And I'd have to say, "I found it."

[laughter]

And I know her. She'd be like,

"That's the grossest thing you've ever done."

And I'd have to say,

"It's actually not the grossest thing I've ever done.

It's not even the grossest thing I've done today.

[laughter]

Earlier today, I ate pizza crusts I found...

[laughter]

...behind the toilet.

[applause]

[cheers and applause]

[man] Yeah!

Yeah, that one was pretty good.

Wait till you hear this one. Uh...

[laughter]

We lived in a really nice neighborhood in Brooklyn.

It was like such a nice neighborhood

that if you go outside,

you'd have kids playing on the street, right?

One summer I went outside.

The thing the kids were playing on

was an inflatable Titanic slide, okay?

We know why that's fucked up, right?

[laughter]

The incline of the slide they were sliding down on

was the Titanic sinking.

[laughter]

That wasn't fun.

People were sliding down the deck of the Titanic,

but it wasn't, "Wee!"

It was icy death, right?

It's a tragedy,

and that toy company had to have known that.

I want to know what other toys that company makes.

"Titanic slide, brought to you by the makers

of the even more offensive 9-11 Bouncy Castle."

[laughter]

I was between that and Easy-Bake Holocaust Oven.

Which one do you think would have been...

You like that one better?

[laughter]

'Cause I'll tell you, Columbine Super Soaker

was out of the question from the get-go.

There was no way I was gonna do that one on this special.

[applause]

We had a cat together. Uh...

[laughs] It's hard to get into that.

Well, we didn't have a cat together,

but you know, like, we adopted a cat together.

I love that cat. Does anybody have cats?

[cheering]

Do you love your cats?

[cheering]

I loved my cat.

As people who love their cats,

can you admit that your cat doesn't love you back?

[cheering]

Good. Thank you.

It's hard for people to admit that.

You cat loves you till they're fed in the morning,

and then, as soon as your cat is fed,

they turn into, like, the ghosts from Super Mario Bros, right?

As soon as your back is turned,

they're trying to murder you all day long.

Your cat's plotting your murder. That's what they're doing.

Anybody's cat watch them pee?

-[man] Yeah. -Isn't that weird?

My cat watches me pee.

I think it's weird that my cat watches me pee.

But to be fair to him, I think he thinks it's weird

that I'm doing it in his litter box.

So, I guess we're even, aren't we?

[laughter]

Be honest, room full of people drinking,

have any of you ever peed in a litter box before?

[cheers]

Have you really?

Fucking nobody... Thank you.

On the special. Finally.

Nobody ever says yes.

I went to school here,

University of Georgia, party school.

I drank, I peed in a litter box. That's my reason.

Why did you pee in a litter box?

I was drinking alone.

You were drinking alone? Okay.

Okay, interesting. Um...

[laughter]

Okay.

Now, you're drinking alone at your house,

parents' house, a friend's house?

-Dad's house. -Dad's house. Okay.

Your dad's not there.

You're just there at your dad's house,

drinking alone.

[laughter]

No one's home using the bathroom,

so why use the litter box?

[laughter]

-'Cause why? -It's closer.

The litter box was closer to you than the bathroom.

How much closer?

[laughter]

All right, I'm glad that you have peed in a litter box.

I am, because you can back me up on this.

You don't realize how much more a person pees than a cat...

[laughter]

until you pee in a litter box, right?

Right.

Clean your cat's litter box, cute little clumps.

Person pees in a little box, it's like a whole sheet cake.

It's a big, old mud box, and they won't go in it.

[laughter]

I don't like when people say, "I have the reflexes of a cat."

You ever hear people say that?

They brag about how quick they are,

how they did in a fight.

"I have cat-like reflexes."

Here's why I don't like that phrase.

Have any of you ever thrown, like, a tennis ball

at a cat before?

[laughter]

It just hits the cat, right?

[laughter]

Right in the face.

Then the cat smells the tennis ball,

then the cat hides under the bed for the rest of the day.

That's cat reflexes. That's what you're bragging about.

You don't want cat reflexes.

Try getting punched in the face and then taking a nap.

See how you do in that fight.

[laughter]

You know what reflexes you should be happy to have?

People reflexes.

Our reflexes are so much better than cat reflexes.

You're at least gonna duck out of the way

if you're not gonna catch the ball.

You know what else people have over cats

that's really great?

People can identify dangerous objects.

That is so much more valuable than being quick.

Have you ever pointed a gun in a cat's face before?

[laughter]

Georgia, have you ever pointed a gun in a cat's face before?

[laughs] All right.

Okay, that's messed up, but I knew it.

[applause]

Point is, it doesn't matter how slow a person you are.

You're gonna dive out of the way of a gun.

Lightening quick cat with the quickest reflexes,

what's it gonna do?

Smell the barrel of the gun,

rub its face against the barrel of the gun.

And that cat's about to have no reflexes.

[laughter]

We had a cat.

Now that I'm in California, I have more space, I want a dog.

I want a dog really bad.

I know I can treat a dog better

than my friends treat their dogs.

My friend just took her dog skydiving. Uh...

She did. She strapped her dog to her chest,

and they jumped out of the plane.

Um...

She jumped out of the plane

more than they jumped out of the plane.

I saw the video, and it looked like the dog

wanted very little to do with jumping out of a plane.

[laughter]

I don't think that dog wanted to go skydiving at all.

I think the person wanted to go skydiving.

Have any of you ever gone skydiving before?

[cheering]

Yeah? Yeah? No wrong answer.

What's one good reason you went skydiving?

To see if I could do it.

See if you could do it. No, that's great. That's great.

See if you could do it.

My point is, a dog's not skydiving,

"Hey, to see if I can do it." Right? That's a...

It's a great reason for a person.

See if I can do it.

This is an amazing life experience.

Maybe you're conquering a fear.

A dog skydiving isn't thinking,

"Sometimes in order to appreciate life,

you have to stare death in the face," right?

[laughter]

Dog's not checking things off its bucket list.

[laughter]

Bark-et list. My point is,

if you think you're taking your dog skydiving,

that's not what you're doing.

What you're doing is throwing your dog out of a plane.

[laughter]

All right, we're gonna do a dark one now.

Okay, we're gonna do the darkest one right now,

but we're gonna pull out of it in the end, okay?

So, it's gonna be fine.

Okay, some of you laughing at pull out,

that's totally fine.

That's not what we're doing right now, but that's fine.

You know, pull out in sex when you're like,

"I didn't mean to do that on you on the front row."

[laughs]

It's like a really X-rated Gallagher show.

"Woo, tarps."

Okay, never mind. Sorry about that.

Okay, we're not doing that. Um...

So, I had an...

This is a... This is a true story.

I had an audience member die at one of my shows, okay.

Um...

No. Okay, no one's ever laughed at that part before, but...

[laughter]

I killed, so that's good.

But here's the story. Here's the story.

[light applause]

Saturday, April 19, 2014,

Atlanta, Georgia.

I was supposed to do an hour.

I came out, immediately someone in the back was talking.

I said, "Be quiet, the show just started."

He was quiet. I go into my first joke.

He started talking again.

I said, "Shut up, it's a long show,

you're gonna ruin it for everybody."

And then, the sound guy in the back yelled,

"Medical emergency."

And the guy who was talking he escorted out a side door.

He was clutching his chest.

We found out later,

he went to the hospital and died of a heart attack.

The room felt... like this.

[laughter]

It was very quiet. It was very uncomfortable.

This was one minute into an hour-long set.

This was Saturday, April 19, 2014.

I don't know if you remember.

The next day, Sunday, April 20 was Easter.

Do you remember two years ago we had a 420 Easter,

and everybody was like, "Christ has resin,"

or whatever the fuck the joke everybody did was.

[laughter]

So, this is how I dealt with a very tense moment

very quickly in a tight room.

I said, "Don't worry, everybody,

tomorrow is Easter.

[laughter]

Maybe he'll come back like Jesus did.

[laughter]

I'm not saying it's the best joke

I ever came up with in my life.

I'm saying that's what popped into my head,

and it's what I said out loud

to deal with a tense moment very quickly.

Some of you pulled back, and I totally understand that.

Some of you groaned, some of you laughed.

There was an audible response in here.

Thank you very much for that, because guess what?

In Atlanta, there was none at all.

It was so completely silent for, like, 45 full seconds

until a dude in the front row yelled,

"Welcome to the South."

And that is the most scared I have ever been on stage

in my entire life.

[cheers and applause]

I'm not a very religious person. I'm really not.

I was on a flight a few weeks ago,

and this girl sitting next to me pulled out a prayer app.

She had a prayer app on her phone, and she was like,

"Do you want to do a travel prayer with me?"

And I said, "Could you just tell Him

that yours is from both of us? Could you do that?

That would be like a cool thing to do.

[laughter]

I've been doing comedy long enough

that I don't have any friends outside of comedy anymore.

All my... all my friends are comedians.

Um...

All my friends are comedians. We all hang out with each other.

We bounce ideas off each other,

see if a joke's funny to us, see if a premise has legs

before we try it in front of a paid audience.

I have this female comedian friend

who is the funniest person I've ever met in my life.

And before I tried this as an idea on stage,

I wanted to know if girls knew about this.

I wanted to know if girls knew

that when guys wear,

like, new sweatpants without underwear,

we'll get little fuzzies

stuck to the tips of our dicks, okay?

[laughter]

I just wanted to know if girls knew about that.

Did you know that that happened to us?

No, you didn't know that?

You're a guy, new sweatpants, new boxer briefs.

Sometimes you go to pee,

got to pull a little fuzzy out of your pee hole,

otherwise you shoot off

into two different directions, right?

Just wanted to know if girls knew about that.

By the way, ladies, that's our struggle, okay?

That's what we deal with.

You wouldn't understand.

[laughter]

I wanted to know if girls knew about that.

I wrote down her response,

because I thought it was worth repeating back word for word.

I promise I have not changed one word of this.

She said, "No, I didn't know that,

but sometimes I get fuzzies in my pussy

and have to scoop them out of my stink ditch."

[laughter]

[person cheers]

You guys want to talk about that one for a little bit?

[laughter]

First of all, she said that, and I was like,

"Okay, that's way funnier

than anything than I was gonna come up with."

Second, I'll tell a dirty joke.

I got no problems telling a dirty joke,

but stink ditch is new territory for me, okay?

I've never had "stink ditch" written on my little notepad.

I thought that joke was gonna be more about the fuzzies,

and we were gonna milk that...

Milking's not the appropriate word

when you're making that motion,

but that's what the joke was gonna be about.

She said, "Stink ditch," and it shocked me.

She said, "Stink ditch," and I took two steps back.

[laughter]

The more I thought about it,

"scoop" is the really disturbing part of that whole thing.

[laughter]

"Scoop" is way worse than "stink ditch."

[laughter]

I'm never gonna be able to scoop anything

for the rest of my life

without thinking about that girl.

[laughter]

I'm never gonna be able to have children

who are having a birthday party,

and I'm scooping ice cream for all the little kids,

without thinking about that girl's big, old,

stinky stink ditch.

[laughter]

There's another new hashtag for you.

#stinkditch.

[laughter]

Gash-tag. Gash-tag, gash-tag, gash-tag.

Mm-hmm.

[applause]

Gash-tag.

[laughter]

Gash-tag.

I don't know if any of that's usable, but it's very fun.

[laughter]

Here's a fun game I like to play.

You guys can all play this.

I like to call car insurance companies,

Geico, State Farm, whatever one you can think of,

and the game is,

you see how long you can keep them on the phone

before they realize

you're trying to insure the Batmobile, okay?

[laughter]

It's a really fun game.

You can keep 'em on for a very long time.

The secret is you got to use old Adam West Batmobile, right?

You can't use the modern one,

'cause you got to give them specifics about the car,

and you can find the old specs online.

So, when they go, "What kind of car is it?"

You can go, "It's a 1955 Lincoln."

And they're like, "All right. Convertible, no problem."

The first problem you run into

is when they go, "What color is it?"

'Cause you got to go,

"Technically, it's called Velvet Bat Fuzz."

And they're like, "What?"

And you go, "Black. You know what?

We'll go with black for the purposes of this."

Biggest insurance discount you get

is if your car has safety features.

So, when they go, "Does it have any safety features?"

You get to go,

"'Does it have any safety features?'

It has shields and missiles.

How's that for safety features?

That beats the shit out of an airbag, right?"

If you can say shields, missiles,

and sneak in bat scope and still get a quote,

that's how you win the Batmobile game.

[laughter]

My favorite jobs I've ever had have been working with kids.

I love working with kids,

and I feel like people look at me

and they think that's creepy, right?

You look at a young guy like me, a guy in his teens,

and you think it's creepy

that I like working with kids, all right?

But it comes from a really genuine place, you know?

When I lived in Athens,

I used to be a substitute teacher,

for, like, elementary school kids,

and I had a blast.

And when I moved to New York to try to do comedy,

I needed to get a day job, right?

So, the first job interview I ever had was at a daycare,

and the woman asked me a very general,

"Why do you want to work here?"

And I said, "I genuinely enjoy working with kids,

but not in a creepy way."

[laughter]

And as I soon as I said it,

I realized that was the creepiest way

I could have opened up that job interview.

But she kept the interview going,

she gave me a break,

she knew that I had some experience,

she knew I was trying to be a comedian.

She goes... In the interview, she goes,

"Tell me a funny story about working with kids."

And this is the story I told her in the job interview.

I was substitute teaching second grade one day

and had the worst class I ever had,

just kids who refused to do their work.

It was like a scene out of Kindergarten Cop

before Arnold gets his whistle.

The kids are running around, they're not working.

One kid lifted a desk over his head and threw up.

I don't know what it is about second graders

that makes them nauseous when they lift things.

But it started a chain reaction of second-grade body explosions.

Another kid got a bloody nose.

Another kid locked himself in the bathroom

for the rest of the day.

I didn't see him for the rest of the period.

Never saw him ever again, honestly.

He could still be in there for all I know. I don't know.

Another kid had a circle around him,

and he was doing the worm for his buddies.

Do you guys know what the worm is?

The little dance on your belly.

So, I started bargaining with him first.

So, I said, if you will work for the rest of the period,

the last two minutes of class,

you can do the worm for everybody,

'cause he just wanted the attention,

and he was like, "Deal,"

because second graders are very easy to bargain with.

But then, all the other second graders were like,

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, if he gets to do something for the class,

we get to do something too."

And I said, "That's fair."

But they're uncreative piece-of-shit second graders,

and the only thing they could think of to do

was also to do the worm for each other.

[laughter]

So, I said, "Fine, if everybody will behave and do their work,

the last five minutes of class will be dedicated

to everybody doing the worm for each other."

[laughter]

And that's exactly what we did.

[laughter]

Turns out only the first kid even knew how to do the worm.

So, as I'm telling the woman in the job interview,

I was like, "I had one kid do the worm for the class,

and then, I had 22 other second graders

awkwardly humping the floor."

[laughter]

And as soon as I said it, I realized,

"No, that was the creepiest thing

I could have said at that job interview."

[laughter]

All right.

I feel like the guys are way more likely to remember this.

I would love it if any of the girls did.

Did any of you guys play the game "Doorknob"

when you were a kid?

Does anybody remember the game Doorknob?

Yeah, yeah?

What do you remember about the game Doorknob?

Get punched.

-Get punched why? -If you farted.

If you farted. Thank you very much.

That's why I did this in Athens.

I knew we were gonna have a smart audience.

[laughter]

-What's your name? -Steven.

Steven, okay.

This is how the game Doorknob works

if you guys don't know.

Me and Steven are kids, we're friends.

I fart, Steven yells, "Doorknob."

Steven gets to punch me until I touch a doorknob.

That's it. That's the whole rules of Doorknob.

It's a wonderful game that boys invented.

The beauty is in the simplicity of the rules.

The only other rule is if I fart and say, "Safety"

before you say, "Doorknob,"

you can't touch me, right?

That's one of my favorite parts to mention,

because whenever I do,

I feel like a bunch of girls in the crowd

have their lives flash before their eyes

of sitting next to brothers, dads, boyfriends on the couch,

who were going, "Safety," and you're like, "Fuck,

they were farting the whole time,"

and you had no idea.

[laughter]

But ladies, if you want to fuck with a dude,

if you really want to fuck with a dude,

not one who's sitting here, 'cause they know,

but next time you're sitting next to a dude on a couch

and there's, like, any moment of silence,

and you... any awkward moment of silence,

just go, "Safety."

He'll go "Gross," and, "What the fuck?"

He'll have no idea how you even know about that game.

[laughter]

So, when I was a kid, me and my friend Travis

used to play Doorknob,

and we played by the rules, okay?

We respected the rules of Doorknob.

We'd be eight years old, playing video games,

beating the shit out of each other

and farting, right?

It was a great time.

Travis had an older brother named Justin

who was five years older than us.

When you're eight and there's a 13-year-old,

that is a huge physical age difference.

This is how Justin used to play Doorknob.

Me and Travis, eight years old, playing video games.

Justin, 13, would walk in the room.

He would fart,

he would yell, "Doorknob,"

and then, he would beat the shit out of me and Travis,

whether we touched a doorknob, or said, "Safety," or what.

That's not how you play Doorknob.

That's cheating, that's bullying, that's shitty.

Justin is clearly the bad guy in this story.

Do we agree with that?

[audience] Yes.

Can I get a "Fuck Justin" if we agree with that?

[audience] Fuck Justin!

All right.

I'm glad you agree.

I just found out that Justin died,

and that's the story about him

I thought I would share with everybody.

[laughter]

You can't pull back. You cannot pull back.

You can't pull back.

Ten seconds ago, everybody just yelled, "Fuck Justin."

All you know about him

is that he's a teenager who used to fart and beat up children.

Sometimes when people die,

you don't got to say nice things about them.

That's the moral of that story.

Also, when they buried him, his gravestone just said, "RIP,"

and I found that very funny and appropriate.

[laughter]

Everybody gets into an internet wormhole.

You're looking at one thing, it leads to another thing.

If you're on the internet long enough,

eventually, you're looking at...

[women] Porn.

Okay, I was gonna say, "Sports scores,"

but we got a bunch of pervs in the crowd tonight.

Yeah, porn.

General rule. General rule.

If you're on the internet longer than six minutes,

everybody's looking at porn.

Truth is, I'm taking a break from porn right now.

No porn for me,

because I hurt my wrist really badly,

and so, we're taking a little breather.

My wormhole...

My wormhole led me

to The Jetsons Wikipedia page, okay?

Not as a substitute for porn, just separately.

I wanted to know...

It's fun to look at a futuristic show,

see where we're at now compared to then,

compare technologies, right?

Jetsons took place in the year 2062.

It came out in 1962.

The idea is that it happens 100 years in the future.

That's already twice as much as I wanted to know,

but I'm in this wormhole,

I'm dicking around on the internet,

I'm reading 40 pages of Jetsons Wikipedia.

I get to the bottom of the page,

and I get to character descriptions, right?

First character description.

It goes, "Jane Jetson, homemaker."

Fine, but kind of conservative for 2062.

Age 33.

All right. Did not know that about Jane Jetson.

Next character description.

Judy Jetson, elder of the two Jetson kids,

age 16.

Oooh.

[laughter]

Anybody want to do that math real quick?

Mother's 33, daughter's 16.

Cut to 16 years earlier in 2046 when Judy's born,

Jane is 17 years old, right?

Which means we've apparently learned nothing...

[laughter]

...from Teen Mom,

which is in season 34 at that point.

[laughter]

Next character description bugged me the most.

Back to 2062, meet George Jetson,

age 40,

seven years older than Jane.

Cut back to 2046 when Judy's born, George is 24.

Now, let's say Jane is hopefully 17 years old, right?

There's a nine-month out of 12-month chance

that she's 16,

because that's how a pregnancy works.

[laughter]

That's some dark Jetsons shit.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Right?

That's some dark Jetsons shit.

And that's the Jetsons that I want to see.

I want to see dark Jetsons,

where George is in jail for statutory,

and when he gets out,

he's not even allowed to pick up Elroy from school

because he's not allowed within 500 feet of it.

[laughter]

Is Elroy even his? Don't know.

That's a conjugal-visit baby if he is.

[laughter]

And Judy's messed up because she's raised without a father.

Her dad's in jail.

She's acting out.

She's doing weird future space porn,

which sounds really hot,

and I'm gonna look for it

as soon as my wrist is feeling better.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

There you go.

Mm-hmm.

Tell me the truth,

were you applauding at the punchline or the curtsy?

I got to know, I got to know.

[woman] Curtsy!

[man] Porn.

[laughter]

I heard, "Porn." Let's go with that. Um...

I moved... I live in LA now.

I moved to New York about ten years ago

to start doing comedy.

This is true. My...

When I moved to New York,

the first gig I ever got was I was in a gay porn.

And, uh...

That's totally true.

Have any of you guys ever been in a gay porn before?

Ooh, room full of homophobes. Um...

[laughs]

What if that's what it took to not be a homophobe now?

"You have to have been in a gay porn,

otherwise you hate gays." Uh...

It's a misleading intro to a story.

There's a huge difference

between doing porn and being in a porn.

I was in one, fully clothed, extra.

I had a friend who worked for a porn company,

and she was, like, "They need people for this thing.

It'll be really fun. Do you want to do it?"

And I was like, "I'm in."

Not, "I'm in,"

but, like, "I'll do it, it'll be a fun thing."

Again, fully-clothed extra, non-sex scene.

My job was to sit at a bar and put dollar bills

into a stripper's...

uh, what do you call that thing?

[woman] G-string.

Hm, butthole.

And, uh, when it was done...

[laughs]

[laughter]

When it was done, I figured,

I got to document this experience, right?

Hopefully, this is the only time

I'm ever gonna be on a gay porn set.

I should take pictures with all the porn stars, right?

And so, I did.

I don't know if any of you have ever taken a photo

with a male porn star before,

but they pull their dicks out for the pictures,

and you don't even got to ask them to do it.

They just do it automatically. It's very nice of them.

One of them offered to let me hold it for the picture,

which is above and beyond.

What I learned about myself that day

is I am willing to be in a photo

with a man holding his own penis.

I am not willing to be in a photo

holding the other guy's penis.

Just the line I learned about myself.

But I have all these photos

of me and these porn stars holding their dicks.

And this is ten years ago, right?

There's no Instagram.

You can't post that stuff on Facebook.

I didn't have anywhere to share all these photos,

which is why we take them in the first place, right?

So, I did what I think a lot of us would have done,

and I sent those pictures directly to my mom, okay?

And I thought about it before I did it.

I thought about it.

I thought, "These aren't just some gross, dirty dicks

off the street," right?

Like, these are porn star dicks.

These are the best dicks.

Right? These are the biggest, shiniest, veiniest,

camera-ready cocks for my mom.

I thought my mom was gonna be like,

"Ooh, the best dicks with my number-one son."

I thought she was gonna, like, stick 'em on the fridge

and show 'em to neighbors and stuff.

[laughter]

My mom called me immediately, and she goes,

"Who are all these guys you're hanging out with?

[laughter]

With all these tattoos?"

She was so much more concerned that they had tattoos

than they fuck each other on camera for money.

[applause]

I got a buddy who won't go to the doctor

no matter how sick he gets.

He's got a great job, he's got health insurance,

he's got money.

He doesn't like the doctor.

What he does instead

is he goes to his brother for medical advice.

His brother is not a doctor.

His brother is a veterinarian.

[laughter]

Specifically for horses, okay? He is a horse doctor.

And my friend will call his brother and go,

"Look, I got sharp stomach pains.

I got flu-like symptoms. What should I do?"

And his brother will always give him medical advice,

but will preface it by going,

"Look, I'm not a doctor, I'm a horse doctor.

But as a horse doctor,

this is what I recommend you do."

And my friend has had unbelievable luck

with this forever,

until he called his brother and said,

"Look, I'm pretty sure I broke my leg."

[audience] Oh!

[applause]

And his brother was like,

"You're gonna have to shoot yourself."

And that's my newest joke.

Did you like it?

Yay or neigh? Come on!

Horse stuff.

[applause]

Let's see.

I like to do one safety tip every show.

I think I could save a life, so I hope you pay attention.

I truly believe this.

I think sticking your finger up someone's butt

has got to be more effective than the Heimlich maneuver.

Would you guys agree with that?

[laughter]

I can back that up 100%.

Have any of you ever given or received the Heimlich

when you're choking or if somebody else is choking?

Anybody have to give it or receive it?

Did you have to give it or receive it?

-Receive it. -Receive it, great.

That's called a bottom. Um...

[laughter]

We call that a bottom in the choking community.

[laughter]

Who gave it to you? Who had to give it to you?

[inaudible]

Your husband? All right, cool. Spice it up.

And, uh...

[laughter]

And what were you choking on? And don't say, "His dick."

I've heard that one, like, a thousand times.

[inaudible]

Okay.

[audience] Oh!

In case you didn't hear,

she said, "Definitely wasn't his dick,"

which, ouch, is he here today?

Well, whatever.

That's your daughter?

Well, this is fun now, isn't it?

[laughter]

She's probably choked on dicks anyway,

it doesn't really matter.

[audience] Oh!

Comedy's fun, huh?

[laughter]

What were you choking on?

[inaudible]

A piece of meat. So, hm...

[laughter]

It's just fun, 'cause, you know,

this is gonna come up at Thanksgiving now forever.

Like, "Remember when were were at the comedy show

and we were joking about dicks, and meat, and stuff?"

It's just a fun thing that's happening right now.

[laughter]

All right.

This is why I think the finger works better than the Heimlich

next time you see somebody choking.

When you're choking, you're gasping for air,

or you're trying to survive,

you got something in your throat,

add to that a friend, a stranger,

anybody behind you thrusting at your belly,

it's a very confusing time, right?

Somebody runs up behind you

and sticks their finger up your butt,

your brain immediately changes to,

"We got to get this thing out of my throat

'cause we got bigger shit to deal with right now."

That's all I'm saying.

[laughter]

My parents are here, which is exciting.

Yeah, my parents, ba-boom, right there.

-[cheers and applause] -It's great. It's great.

My parents come and see me do stand-up all the time.

Usually, when they come to see me,

I cut out some of the dirty stuff.

A regular dirty joke like WolfCop, that's fine.

Wolf penis, no big deal, saw it in a movie.

When I do, like, a graphic, sexual thing

about myself though, we cut that out.

They came to the taping of my half-hour special.

This is my first hour-special.

A couple years ago, I did a half-hour special.

-[cheers and applause] -Okay. Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah.

Adds up to an hour and a half. Thanks, everybody.

[laughter]

They came to the half-hour special, and I had...

This is the thing. When you do a taping,

you don't just show up and do whatever you want.

The material's approved, and that's what you have to do.

So, when my parents came, I did a joke...

I did about, like, a five-minute joke story

about a girl who threw up on my penis, okay?

And I never tell that story

when my parents aren't in the crowd,

but for the half-hour special, I had to,

so I did it, and they were sitting in the crowd,

and after the show, I went backstage,

and my mom was talking to some friends.

My dad saw me first,

and he goes, "Congratulations, great job."

And I said, "Thanks, but it was really uncomfortable for me

to do that throw-up joke in front of you."

And my dad goes, "Oh, that's happened to me before.

Don't tell your mother."

Okay, so...

[laughter]

Mm-hmm.

[laughter]

That being said,

the bit I'm gonna close on today is way dirtier than that.

And I don't want them to hear it,

and they're here.

And so, what we're gonna do

is we're going to give them these headphones.

[laughter]

I don't want you to leave.

[applause]

You guys don't have to leave.

I don't want you to leave.

But I'm going to do a very dirty joke right now,

and I don't think it's appropriate

for you guys, okay?

Do you remember when I was kid

and you made me bring home the Guns N' Roses CDs,

and you could approve the lyrics,

and you said no, I can't listen to it.

Well, guess what?

Now you can't listen to this fucking joke, okay?

[cheers and applause]

Also, also,

just so you know,

I borrowed that CD from a neighbor

so that you could read the lyrics,

and when you said no, I couldn't have it,

I went upstairs and made a tape before I returned it.

So, I got it anyway, all right?

[cheers and applause]

I'm gonna do a very dirty joke.

You guys put on the headphones,

and you can hang out, okay?

Put 'em on.

Put 'em on!

[laughter]

Thank you.

You guys, make sure

they don't take those fucking headphones off, okay?

You got that? All right.

[laughter]

This is what they gave me for fucking stairs. Jesus.

[laughter]

"Yeah, yeah, we got you stairs."

Okay, a big, giant box that I can't get on.

Great. We're gonna do this bit.

I'll tell you what the bit is, okay?

There's a show in Los Angeles...

They look so fucking stupid.

Um...

Just keep the camera on them, this is awesome.

[laughter]

Um...

There's a show in LA that I got asked to do

that's way out of my comfort zone,

but I agreed to do it,

and it ended up being really fun.

And it's called competitive erotic fan fiction, okay?

Everybody... Does everybody know what fan...

Does everybody know what erotic fan fiction is?

Do you guys know what that is?

Okay, I'll...

Okay. If you don't know, I'll....

What's any TV show that you like?

[woman] Um... Broad City.

Broad City, great.

Name me two characters on Broad City.

Abbi and Ilana.

Oh, my God, I hate this so much

because I'm friends with Ilana and Abbi,

and I'm very sorry that I'm about to say this,

but this is how erotic fan fiction works.

You're watching...

[laughs]

You're watching Broad City,

and you're like, "You know what there's not enough of?

Abbi and Ilana fucking scissor kicking,

69ing, blah, like whatever.

I'm so fucking sorry, Abbi and Ilana, for...

You know what? They wouldn't even give a shit.

Okay. So, that's how erotic fan fiction works.

You're watching Broad City,

there's not enough of Abbi and Ilana fucking,

so I'm gonna write...

Do not leave. You sit down and you listen

to this erotic fan fiction story.

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Did she just say something to my dad

with his headphones on?

Like, that was...

Camera thing, go to...

I feel like you have the biggest reach.

Like, if this had a fucking hook on it, you could be like...

This thing's like the hook thing where you put, like, a dollar in

and it pulls out a little fucking stuffed animal

and is like, "Boom."

If that could do that with audience members,

how fucking badass would that be?

[laughter]

They tell you at the beginning of the show,

"Don't get up and go to the bathroom.

The show's only an hour."

And then, like, you like, say you had to get up

and go to the bathroom.

This thing just chased you down,

was like, "Boom, boom, bam."

Then, somehow, it had a finger that came out that went, "Bam."

You had to stay there the whole time.

That would be fucking badass.

[laughter]

[laughs]

If they did it to me right now,

it would be the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life.

I'd be like, "Oh, that backfired big time."

[laughter]

All right.

So, the way the competitive erotic fan fiction show works

is, like, five comedians come on this show,

we pull a topic out of a hat,

we go backstage,

we got 20 minutes to come up

with the dirtiest, most sexual...

We're just trying to one-up each other

with the most raunchy story ever, okay?

And I am going to read you a winner tonight, okay?

And this is how we're going to end. Um...

[applause]

So, here we go. The, uh...

The topic...

Hold on. Let's open it up.

The topic that I pulled was President Taft, okay?

And...

I know the one thing about Taft

that you all probably know about Taft.

What does everybody know about President Taft?

[indistinct]

Exactly, the president's so fat, he got stuck in a bathtub.

Okay, here we go.

So, competitive erotic fan fiction, President Taft.

[laughter]

"'Well, if I'm going to be stuck in this tub,

I might as well crank one out,'

said the 27th President of the United States

out loud, alone in his bathroom.

The only ears his words fell on

were of his orange tabby cat, Chester,

who bolted out of the steamy bathroom,

as if he knew what was about to happen.

Or maybe he had seen it before.

[laughter]

Ready to begin a hot sesh of tub rubbing,

William Howard Taft shimmied and shook

until his wet balls unstuck from his inner thighs

and that familiar pink pig's tail

popped through the grimy bubbles.

[laughter]

'Ah, the Taft shaft,' Taft exclaimed excitedly.

[laughter]

He quickly realized how little motion he had

in his porcelain prison,

and as he tried to sit up,

it hit him just how badly he was stuck.

He was really wedged in.

His ass was so wide..."

[crowd] How wide was it?

"It was so wide,

it had spread along the entire bottom of the tub,

and the water had somehow created a vacuum seal,

and there was no getting up.

'Something like that,' he thought.

'I'm no scientist. I'm just the President.'

[laughter]

He thought it again, then said it out loud.

'I'm the President,

and I have the presidential cock.'

He grabbed a handful of conditioner

and started working it

into his little Commander in Chief,

making sure to circle the head of his penis first.

He didn't know why he did this,

he just knew that he always had."

All right, maybe a little too autobiographical there,

but I figured we'd throw that in there.

[laughter]

"He made a mental note

not to get any of the conditioner

into his pee hole,

'cause the last time that happened,

he peed razors for almost a week,

and that sucked.

So, he focused mostly on the shaft.

The Taft shaft.

He said it over and over, 'Taft shaft. Taft shaft.

Shaft of Taft.'

It was poetry to him.

Chester sauntered back in stealthily,

and Taft turned to him and said,

'I will tell you when I'm ready for you.'

The cat gave a look

as if he might actually say something in English,

but ended up just turning around and walking right back out.

But his tail was up, and you could see his butthole,

which is exactly what Taft needed at that exact moment.

[laughter]

Taft was back to it, stroking with his left hand

and cupping one ball with his right,

only being able to hold one at a time.

See, Taft was a huge man,

and his balls were exceptionally huge,

even proportionally for a huge man,

so he could only hold one ball at a time.

He switched from ball to ball with his right hand

and continued to stroke

his now straightened pig tail with his left

until water and soap

were splashing all over the bathroom.

It didn't take long, three, four minutes max,

and old Tafty was feeling that good feeling.

He realized that it'd been a while since his last climax.

Weeks? Could it have been weeks?

'Holy shit,' he thought, 'I haven't come in weeks.

I've been so busy being President.'

[laughter]

But here it was, it was time.

His dick started pulsing in his pudgy hand.

It was bright red. Both were.

His dick and hand, and face for that matter.

The come should have come out by now.

It was just holding there.

Taft was backed up. He was sweating.

His cock was throbbing.

'Where is it? Why isn't it?

Oh, shit. Oh, shit!'

And then, the explosion.

It came out with the force of a two-liter of Diet Coke

meeting a string of Mentos,

except this was white like milk, whole milk.

No, heavy whipping cream.

[laughter]

Taft screamed.

He had never screamed while coming before,

but he liked it and planned on doing it again.

[laughter]

Curious about all the commotion,

Chester bolted back into the bathroom.

I said, "Not yet, Chester,' yelled Taft.

[laughter]

Taft realized he had been splashing so much

that the tub had lost half its water

and the vacuum seal on his ass had come loose.

He slowly stood in the half-empty tub,

covered in his own presidential sauce,

that after having mixed with the water,

had formed a tuna-salad-like consistency

and was drying quickly on his round belly."

[audience] Ohh!

Shut up, I'm not fucking done yet, okay?

[laughter]

They still have their headphones on? Good.

[laughter]

"He wrapped the towel around himself

and headed to the kitchen,

where Chester sat and stared at him.

Tafty grabbed two pieces of nine-grain bread

and put one on the counter.

He took the other

and lapped the tuna-esque substance off his belly,

then mushed it into the other slice

to make a sandwich.

Whatever come chunks were left over

he managed to shake

into Chester's little kitty dish.

[laughter]

Taft and Chester sat in the kitchen

and ate every last bit of his tuna-salad come.

Between bites, Taft turned to Chester and said,

"Thanks for showing me your butthole.

It saved my life."

And that's the story of how Taft got out of the tub.

[cheers and applause]

Athens, thank you very much.

I really appreciate it. You guys were amazing.

Thanks for coming out.

Oh, come on.

Okay, come on.

See what they were doing?

See what they were doing?

Stand the fuck up.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Okay.

Thank you, everybody.

All right.

And you actually just set the record

for the highest mike drop.

So, uh, congratulations to you, sir.

-Thank you very much. -Very good.

World's highest mike drop.

Is it over?