Adam Ferrara: Funny as Hell (2009) - full transcript

So, once I sign this,
people will buy my DVD, right?

Of course. For eternity.

Wow.

Thank you.

You see?

You see what I do
to sell my DVD?

( music playing )

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Adam Ferrara!

( cheering )

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.



Oh, thank you so much.

How nice was that?

It's-- God, it's so nice
to be back home.

I was all over the place.

I was in Jamaica.

Yeah, I flew Air Jamaica.

That's like a Bob Marley
tour bus in the sky.

The captain gets on
Air Jamaica like,

( Jamaican accent )
"This is your captain speaking.

( giggles )

Don't look at me, man.
Don't look at me.

I can't do it now.
I'll call you back."

( clicks )

Everybody's stoned in Jamaica.



Everybody.
The customs agent.

I'm like, "You need
to stamp my passport?"

( Jamaican accent )
"No.

I'll just draw a bird.

( snickers )
Silly white boy.

Look, it flies."

It's the strongest coffee

I've ever had
in my life down there.

That Jamaican
Blue Mountain Coffee.

I had to drink that
on the toilet.

'Cause there's just no time.

That stuff hits my little
Caucasian digestive system,

and the little man that controls
the valve is in a hazmat suit.

He's like, "Dump it.
Dump it all. Just dump it.

This is not a drill.

( imitates alarm sounding )

Emergency blow.

Watch your shoes!"

And they know,
the Jamaicans know.

( Jamaican accent )
"Look, the white people
had the coffee.

Look at the way
they're running. Look it."

"It's not funny, man!"

I was all over the place.
I was in Venice.

Venice is beautiful, man.

Has anybody been to Venice?

- ( applause )
- Gorgeous, isn't it? Oh!

That's like old-world romance.

Guys, if you can't get laid
in Venice,

turn your balls in
at the nearest drop box.

You grab a girl,
you get in the gondolas,

they got the Italian guy
singing to you.

These are real Italian guys,

not like the guys
in my neighborhood, like,

( New York accent )
"Hey! Get the broad!
Get in the boat! Come here!

Don't be a pussy.
This is beautiful shit
we got over here!"

These are the real
Italian guys.

( singing in Italian )

Amore!

( Italian accent )
Go ahead! I no look.

I went to Rome.

Saw the Vatican.

You ever see the Vatican?

- ( cheering )
- Yeah.

It's tacky.

It's overdone.

It's like Graceland
with Jesus.

It's too much.

Thank you for laughing.
My mother hates that joke.

I did that on TV
about three months ago.

She's still not talking to me.

She hands the phone to
my father when I call up now.

( imitates phone ring )
"Hello?"

"Hi, Ma.
Did you see Letterman?"

"Joe, it's him.

Mm-mm."

My mother's
a hardcore Catholic.

She has an oscillating
Jesus fan in the living room.

"I'm dead. Your fault."

That's the symbol
in the Catholic religion--

Jesus hanging on a cross
and he died for your sins.

They told me that
when I was a little boy.

"Jesus died for you, Adam."

Oh!

What have I done?

I couldn't go to church.
I was terrified.

And I always pictured
Jesus doing this.

"You happy now?"

At least Buddha was a fat guy
flipping a pizza like,
"Who's hungry?

Rub my belly for luck,
there's no judgments here.

Lucky numbers--
2, 5, 11, 40."

See, I'm of the belief
that there's one god

but there's many
different religions,

so it's just a question
of which long distance
company you pick.

The Pope came to New York.

Did you see him?

He's cute, isn't he?

Little German Pope?

He's cute, but he's got that
look in his eye, you know?

I can't explain it,
it's just kind of like...

You don't know
what he's thinking, like,

( German accent )
"Took Poland in 27 days!"

He's gonna snap
any minute, man.

Especially when it comes to
reform or something.

( German accent )
"There will be no changes.

There will be
no women priests!

Boys will not kiss boys!

Und
nobody

wears a condom.

Jesus loves you.

In the name of the Father,
und
the Son,

und
the Holy Spirit.
Hitler!

Nobody saw that!

Hogan, get the car."

God's gonna get us all killed.

Terrorists convince thousands
of people to kill themselves

in the name of God.

I can't convince two
of my friends to help me move.

And I think human arrogance
will the demise
of human civilization.

Look, if you think God
is talking to you,

and you understand God,

and God needs you to kill
somebody else for him,

if that's what you truly feel,

just sit down
till that feeling goes away.

'Cause I'm fairly certain
if God wants somebody dead,

that guy is dead, okay?

He don't need you.

He's got the key
to the lightning cabinet.

So just settle down,

you arrogant, finite,
carbon-based life form.

Really hardcore religious
people that can't accept

someone else's non-violent
code of conduct

are dangerous to society,

and they smell fucking awful.

I don't-- I don't know what
the correlation is.

The closer people think
they get to God,

the further away from soap
and water they have to be.

It doesn't matter
what religion it is.

I sat next to a Hasidic Jew
on a plane.

I tried to roll down
the window at 30,000 feet.

"Are you kidding me?

Can't you pray and bathe
at the same time?"

I met a maharishi from India.

He smelled like curried...

shit.

It was so bad, my nose spoke.

My nose actually said,
"What is that?

Tell the eyes
to find a way out

and get the feet moving.

Namas-go."

I met a hippie chick
from Berkeley.

She stunk!

I still slept with her,
but she stunk.

Nah, I was with a girl
for five years

and we didn't make it.

We never married.
Marriage was a woman's idea.

I figured that out.

Yeah, there was no cavemen
somewhere like,

"Me only have sex with you.

No work out,
take half my stuff."

( no audible dialogue )

Thank you, and why
my impression of a caveman

just sounded like an
American Indian, I don't know.

It did, didn't it?

"White man lie to us.
We open casino."

And there's tremendous
social pressure to be married.

Society wants you
to be married.

Married people
want you to be married.

It's like
a pyramid scheme, really.

It's an emotional
pyramid scheme.

I guess they figure, "Look,
I'm not happy with my life.

If I can get
two other people..."

I learned a lot,
though, I did.

Gentlemen, I learned
if you live with a woman,

and there's only one bathroom
in your home,

give it to her...

go shit in the yard.
Trust me.

It's humiliating, but
you'll save a lot of conflict.

They need room
for all their supplies.

You should've seen
all the stuff in the shower.

Puffs, and scrubs,
and lotions.

The upkeep on a 1975
Jewish girl is amazing.

I didn't know
what half the stuff was.

You know, for two days
I washed my hair

with apricot facial scrub.

It was all greasy
and matted down.

I looked liked a Pakistani
nightclub owner.

( Pakistani accent )
"Welcome to Club Karachi.

Come, come.

Ladies night.
Girls, veils, half-masked.

Come, come, my friend."

Believe me, I know
it's not easy living with me.

I'm a comic.

I'm an insecure egomaniac.

You know how big my ego is?

I keep a journal
and I'm lying in it.

Is that alarming
to anybody else?

I read it the other day,
I'm like,

"I didn't invent
the cotton gin. What?"

I have no patience,
I'm very immature,

I have a temper, I yell.

But I'm a good guy.

I am.

Look, I know we just met,
but I'm a lovely little man.
I really am.

I will instinctually make
the virtuous choice
to benefit humanity.

I'm very proud of that.
I believe in humanity.

People suck.
People just suck.

I'll let you into traffic.

If I don't get
that little wave,

now I have to
run you off the road!

What am I, the Bandit running
blocker for you, Snowman?

And I get so angry.

You know how angry I get?
I gave myself Tourette's.

Do you ever
give yourself Tourette's?

Did you ever twitch
and blurt out obscenities

for no apparent reason?

I'm usually all alone,
driving in a car,

it's a nice day,
but out of nowhere, just,

"Fuck!"

That can't be healthy, can it?

Just random spikes of fury
coming out of you?

I get it from my father.

My father's either
pissed off or asleep.

I asked him, I said,
"Pop, how come you're so angry?"

"Helps to hold down the rage."

My father's
got exquisite anger.

Just mwah!

It's total communication.

You're never gonna
look at my father and think,

"Mm, I wonder
what's on his mind."

I got arrested
when I was 16 years old.

Kid stuff.
Stole a car. So...

The local cops find me.
They say, "Come on, kid.
We're gonna take you home."

"No, no, no, no, no.

Lock me up,
give me the chair,

but don't wake my father up."

They take me to the station,
they call my father.

"Mr. Ferrara,
we have your son here
at the fourth precinct."

"Yeah? Keep him."

He made me spend
the night in jail.

In the morning,
I heard the truck pull up,
I looked out of the cell.

Out of the corner of the cell,
I see him, he's signing the--

he doesn't say a word,
he's just sitting.

He looks into the cell
and just goes...

A 20-year police captain
opened up the bars like this,

( laughing )
"Oh, fuck!"

I get my communication skills
from my father, too,

which is nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

He's 66 years old.

He's down to grunts
at this point in his life.

"Pop, you hungry?"

( grunts )

"Pop, you cold?"

( grunts )

"Pop, how'd the Mets do?"

"Ah!"

And that's what killed
my relationship.

Well, that'll kill
any relationship,
if you can't communicate.

That's the key
to a relationship.

That's how you build intimacy,
through communication.

It's very important to talk

and listen to your partner
so you can both grow as a unit.

And when life throws you
little things,

you can really be prepared.

It's just talking
and talking and talking.

And I was listening to every
word 'cause I thought,

you know, there was a point.

There's no point.

You know how some people
hire maids, they hire nannies?

I should've hired a gay guy
for her to talk to.

'Cause there were so many things
I just didn't care about.

"Should I reupholster
this couch or get a new one?

I don't know what to do
with this room.

What do you think?"

"Ramon, you're up!

Let's go,
you're on the clock."

It was a psychotic,

babbling conveyor belt
of nonsense.

"I went to get my nails done,
but they didn't have
the polish I want.

So they put on clear coat,
but it obviously has
a pink tinge to it.

Look at that.
Doesn't that look pink to you?

I told them to square off
the tips, but they round them.

I don't speak Korean.
How the hell am I supposed
to communicate?"

( screams )

Somebody help me!

And Ramon would come
running in.

( effeminate Spanish accent )
"What you do? You can't
talk to him like that.

His head will explode!"

"Why does she do that, Ramon?"

"I don't know, honey,
but I'm here. Now, come on.

You come with me now, baby.

I'm gonna sit you on the couch,
I pour you a little tequila,

we put on ESPN, you watch
the rednecks play poker.

You like that, papi, yes."

( sniffles )
"Thank you, Ramon.

I wish you had a vagina."

"I know, honey. So do I."

So we started therapy
soon after that.

I figured if I'm talking
to imaginary gay guys,

it's time to get help.

I went. We went to
the couple's therapy.

I sat there,
I looked at the guy, I said,

"All right, doc,
what do we do?"

"Well, Adam, you see,
I can't tell you what to do."

"Really? For $125 an hour,
could you put out cheese maybe?

Why don't you pull your beard,
look like you're thinking?

What do these diplomas mean,
Sigmund?"

He said, "Okay,
we're gonna play a game
called Total Honesty."

"Okay, this guy's a moron."

"What?"
"Nothing, just warming up."

So she looks at me
and she goes,

"Adam, you don't listen.
It's very frustrating.

I talk to you, I talk to you,
and talk to you,

and you don't listen.
You just don't listen."

"I know.

I'm trying, baby,
I really am, it's just that...

I don't care.

I don't want to
lie to you, honey.

You are the most
important person to me.

I love you,
I will support you,

I will take
a bullet for you, baby.

Just shut up,
could you, please?"

"You see, doctor?
This is what he does, he comes
to close to real emotion

and he makes a joke out of it,
because he can't--

and don't you laugh at him.

You're encouraging
this behavior.

We have very serious
problems here.

You know, I think
he might be homosexual.

He screams out the name Ramon
in his sleep, okay?"

The doctor did say something
I didn't get at the time,

but it proved to
be true later on.

He goes, "Adam,
see, the problem is

you've come from
two different backgrounds."

"Doctor, this is
a fascinating theory.

Possibly because we're not
brother and sister.

Did you ever think of that?"

'Cause, culturally,
it wasn't that big a stretch.

I'm Italian, Catholic,
she's Jewish,

and the values are the same.
It's food, family, and guilt.

Her family,
the guilt's better,

and my family,
the food's better.

'Cause Jewish food, man.
"Happy Hanukkah.

Here's your bowl of 'blech',
there you go.

Is the 'hakakch' fresh?

Everybody save room for...

( guttural hawking,
then spits )

You like our food, Adam?"

"Yeah, yeah, horseradish
and shit. This is wonderful.

You know,
if the bread was leavened,
it would ruin everything."

"We also eat bitter herbs."

"You people
have suffered enough.

Order a pizza, Jesus Christ."

I'm sorry, I just always
wanted to say that to her,

and I never did.

I remember the food
at the holidays.

We used to go to her house
for that holiday they got
called Passover.

You leave the door open,
waiting for Elijah.

We were there all night.
This guy never showed.

I played along with them,
though. "Is that him?

Does Elijah have a Mercedes?

MD plates?
Dr. Elijah? No? Sorry."

Her mother was pissed.

You should've seen her
trying to defend me.

"It's okay, Ma,
he's a comedian."

"No, he's an asshole, okay?

He's in there with two yarmulkes
on his chest like a bra.

He's got the dreidel out,

playing roulette
with your cousins.

They're betting on gimel,
it's a
shanda."

One of the cultural differences
that proved to be challenging

was, I learned this from her,

Jews are raised
to ask questions.

You have to ask questions
like, "Why? How come?

How much? That much?
Why should I spend that much?"

And, Italians,
we don't want to ask questions

'cause we don't want
any information.

"Look, I didn't see nothin',
I don't know nothin'.

Don't subpoena me,
all right?"

So the questions started
driving me crazy.

It was question
after question.

Morning, noon and night
with the questions.

It was like falling asleep with
a Spanish radio station on.

Yo quiero pregunta,
pregunta, pregunta.

Yo quiero pregunta,
pregunta, pregunta.

Hijole!

What is with
the questions, ladies?

Why do you think we possess
some mysterious knowledge

we're keeping from you?

We go to see a movie,
she's like,

"Now, who's that guy?"

"Did I write
this fucking thing?

I came in with you.
How the hell do I know
who that guy is?

What do you want me to do,
show up early?

Do me a favor, fast-forward.

She's gonna have questions
I need to know the answers to.

I don't know, she thinks
I'm smart or something."

And every guy I speak to
says the same thing,

"Yeah, well...

what are you gonna do?"

And there's nothing
you can do.

Nothing.

God designed
the dyadic unit for survival,

for procreation,
for achievement.

'Cause the rest of this world
doesn't care about you.

The rest of this world's gonna
tell you, "No, you can't."

When you fall in love,
the person that believes in you

is gonna tell you,
"Of course you can."

Christopher Columbus
discovered a new world.

Think about that.
The prevailing
belief at that time

was the Earth is flat.

People were terrified.

"You're gonna sail off
the end of it into oblivion.

In the seas
are giant serpents

that are gonna
swallow you whole."

And Columbus didn't care.
He made that voyage anyway.

You know why? Mrs. Columbus
would not shut up, that's why.

And he filled up
three boats with guys

willing to take that risk.

He told them all, "Gentlemen,

this mission
is certain death."

"I no care, Chris.

Her mother, she live with us.

No leave me here!"

So, you know what? But it works.
The design does work.

I achieved more
when I was with her

than I thought I ever could,
and she made me a better man.

And, for some reason,

I thought she was smarter
than me, but I learned this.

Gentlemen, your wife,
your girlfriend,

mother of your kids,
the one you'll take
that bullet for?

She's just as stupid as you,
you know that?

How smart can she be?
She picked you, so...

Life is scary.

Hold on to each other,
fuck when you can,

fight when you have to,

and ride it out.

And you wonder
why she left me.

"Fuck when you can,
fight when you have to?"

Yeah, let's get that
embroidered on a pillow.

That's really gonna
brighten up the family room,
you miscreant."

So she leaves, right?

It's all over.

I'm sitting in
my parent's basement.

I'm a grown man living
in my parent's basement.

I crawled inside a bottle
of Maker's Mark.

I stayed there
for about three weeks.

Oh, it's warm in Kentucky.

Middle of the night,
my father comes down the stairs,

he's wearing a robe,
he's got a Lucky Strike
and a baseball bat.

He takes one look at me
and he just goes,

"Ah.

Yup.

Ah."

"Thanks, Pop."

Sat down next to me,
grabbed the bottle.

It's the first time I ever had
a drink alone with my father.

Took a hit, turned around
and just said,

"Women.
What are you gonna do?"

He said, "You know, son,

a married guy's gonna die
before his wife.

And a single guy is gonna die
before a married guy.

So, when it comes to death,
women are carriers."

"What?"
"Yes. I love your mother.

I love your mother
with all my heart,

but she is going to kill me."

"No, Pop, it was me,
I messed it up."

"You didn't mess nothing up.

What'd you do?
Did you yell? Ooh.

Let me guess,
you didn't listen."

"Yeah, how'd you know?"
"Psh. How'd I know?

I'll tell you something.
Women are very sensitive, okay?

Very emotional.

They're kind,
they're nurturing.

They're beautiful,
ain't they?

And every one of them
is full of shit."

"What?"
"They're full of shit.

They don't want you
to talk to them.

They don't want you
to listen to them.

They want you
to agree with them.

And if you don't agree
with them,

they just keep talking
and talking and talking

until you do.

It's not a conversation.
It's erosion.

They will talk and talk,
and ask again,

rephrase, wait three days,
bring it up one more time,

till finally you just go,

'Fine.

You know what, honey?

Do whatever the hell
you want to do.'

And then she'll look at you
and say,

'See? I'm glad
we talked about it.'"

My parents--

my parents have been married
for 40 years.

They fight.

My father hasn't
picked up the phone
in my house in 40 years.

Drives my mother crazy, man.

"Did you hear
the friggin' phone?"

"Yep. Leave it alone.
It'll stop."

"Why don't you answer it?"

"It's never good news,
that's why.

Someone's gonna ruin my day,

I'm gonna make them
work for it."

So I bought 'em
an answering machine.

I figured that'll solve
the problem.

My mother's like, "Joe,
I want you to leave the message.

I want people to hear
a man's voice

( whispers )
when they call the house."

"All right.

What the hell is
this thing here, now?

'Push here to record
your greeting,

what your callers will...'"

Beep. "All right, look,

I ain't giving you a ride,
I ain't got any money,

I don't care who's dead,

and I ain't calling you back."

Beep.

That was on for three days
before she caught it.

And another week after that

'cause they couldn't
figure out

how to get it off.

They fight, but I know
they love each other.

After 40 years, my father
still holds my mother's hand.

Like, "Ma, he's yelling,
but he loves you.

He's still holding your hand."

"'Cause he's afraid I'm gonna
hit him, that's why."

We hit a bump this year.

My pop got cancer.

And I hope your family's
never faced with it,
but if you got to go through it,

you're quickly gonna learn
the character of the people
you come from,

and I was very proud of
my old man

'cause I panicked
when he told me.

I was on the road.
I called him in the hospital.

I said, "Pop, I just heard.
I'm coming, all right?"

"Don't worry,
this is nothing.

It's not like it used to be.
They got all kinds of
stuff there today.

They just knock this
right out."

"How you doing?"

"How am I doing?
I got a pipe in my pecker.
How's your day going?"

So we all showed up,
the whole family showed up.

Well, one of my brothers
couldn't be there

'cause something happened
and it wasn't his fault,

and it's never his fault,
but something always happens

and I shouldn't judge
because I don't know.

There's one in every family.

There's one
in every friggin' family.

And if you don't know
who I'm talking about,

it's you.

So, we're sitting
in the doctor's office

and the doctor's telling me
and my other brother,

"Look, I don't want
you boys to worry.

This cancer isn't hereditary.

This comes from one thing
and one thing only."

"Oh! Please say Jell-O.

Come on, Jell-O."

"No, cigarettes."

Fuck.

I'm all out of excuses.

So I quit.
I quit right then.

'Cause in that moment,
my parents got old
right in front of me.

My pop's 66,
but he's a hard 66.

He's got the cancer,
he had a 90% blockage
in his heart we had to fix.

He's a diabetic.

He shoots himself up
twice a day with this insulin

they make from
a lizard hormone.

It works,
his blood sugar's fine,

but in the afternoons
he likes to

sun himself on a hot rock.

Keeps trying to sell me
auto insurance.

And my mother's at that age

where women start to
dress like Elvis.

You know the big rhinestone,
sequined, jump suit-y things?

And the hip is bad,

so she swivels
when she walks.

"Ma, are there any leftovers?"

"♪ Uh-huh "

They still live in the house
I grew up in.

Except now it's got
that grandma house smell.

You know
the grandma house smell?

It's like moth balls
and disappointment, you know?

"Ma, is there any Lysol?"

"Yeah, it's on the shelf
next to the broken dreams."

So, came time for the chemo,

and I sat my pop down.

I called in every favor I had.

I got my hands on some money,
I greased who I had to grease.

We're in the garage,
and I told him, I said,

"All right, Pop, look,
it's all taken care of.

I got you to the best hospital
in the city, all right?

Don't ask me how,
don't ask me why,

but your name
is on the top of that list.

All I need you to do
is walk through that door

and I want you to beat this
thing down, you hear me?"

"Yeah, kid, thanks.

You stepped up, don't think
I don't notice that, huh?

Good man.

But we go for
this chemo thing, uh,

we're gonna go over here
by the house."

I said, "Pop, look at me,

I got you the best shot
we got at beating this."

"Yeah, I know son.

And, uh, looked at that
city hospital, I really did.

But this is gonna be
a two, three-month deal

and where you got to go,
it's got all those stairs

and your mother don't climb
the stairs that good no more,

so that can't work for us."

He's looking right down
the barrel at it,

and his priority is my mother
can't climb no stairs no more.

That's the same man made me
shovel the driveway

with a broken arm.

"Pop,
I can't hold the shovel."

"Stick it in your ass
and walk backwards."

And I got it.

In that moment, I got it.

He's the head of the house.
That's his woman.

Whether that's right or wrong,
healthy or not,

he's gonna take care of her.

And that's how
he defines himself.

And I got that
from my old man, too.

That's why when she left,
I was a mess.

I had nowhere to go.
I didn't know what to do.

I was like one of
those sharks you see
on the Discovery Channel.

You know when they smack them
in the nose with a bang stick?

Like...

I started getting
panic attacks.

You ever get a panic attack?

Yeah, that's a nice way
to go through life.

"What a lovely day."

( screams )

And the only way
you get rid of a panic attack

is you have to talk about it.

Yeah, I'm gonna call up
my friends.

"Hey, Philly.

I think I'm getting
panic attacks."

"Really? You ever think
you're a pussy?

Did you ever think of that?

I mean, I'm no doctor,
but you could be a pussy,

it's all I'm saying.

Well, it sounds like acute pussy
syndrome to me, sweetheart.

Check your urine.
Is it pink?"

I was a mess.

I could--
I went to see a shrink.

I'm such an Italian, too.

My friends are like, "So
how's it going with the shrink?"

"He didn't get
nothing out of me.

I love my mother,
I ain't gonna roll on her."

They put me on Zoloft.

That's fun.
Your mouth dries up,
you start shaking.

This is much better.

Oh, I can't wait
for the anal leakage.

This is...

That's what I need, is a wet ass
and a positive attitude.

That's just
what I'm looking for.

♪ It's a Zoloft life for me

I just had a bad year, man.

Did you guys have a good year
or a bad year?

( man coughs loudly )

How's the tuberculosis.
Is everything better?

Jesus.

What the hell was that?

You just coughed up a bar stool.
What was that?

( growling cough )

"Let's put this in the foyer.

It's from the mucus
collection."

Are you all right, pal?

You sure?

Check your nuts.
One of them dropped.

I think I heard something
hit the floor.

I tell you, I had a bad year.

Did you guys have a good year
or a bad year?

( crowd murmuring,
scattered cheers)

Oh, yeah. Yeah?

You had a good year? Nice.

"We had a good year.

We all found Jesus

and the dog started
shitting diamonds."

I had an awful year.

I was watching the New Year's
countdown like this,

"Hurry up!

Let's go!"

And then it was Dick Clark
with the stroke.

"Eight, seven, seven, seven."

Oh, come on.

Somebody want to give
Dick a shove, please?

"Seven, six.

Happy 1988."

I believe in karma, though.
You believe in karma?

- Oh.
- ( cheering )

Do you ever think to yourself,
"What the hell did I do

in a past life to get the ride
I'm on now"?

Did I give Lincoln
the theatre tickets?

What the hell did I do?

"Abe, front row, balcony.

Take the wife.
It's on me. Go."

But I understand that you
shouldn't do the right thing

because you fear punishment
or you expect profit.

You should do the right thing
'cause the right thing

is the right thing to do.

Can I get an amen?

( cheers and applause )

Mm-hmm.

And it works. Karma works.

I got a girl now.

Oh, that's what daddy likes.

She's beautiful.

She gives me permission
to be positive.

It's very important for a guy
like me, 'cause I come from

people that don't know
what to do with happy.

You know when happy
shows up like,

"Hey, aren't we
having a good time?"

"Yeah, well, shit can happen."

And she's beautiful.

Ugh. The female form
is just enchanting.

Guys, think about your woman.

Everything is shaped nice,
it's all soft and tucked in,

and mysterious, and hair,
no hair, hair, no hair.

You ever see a naked guy?

Disgusting.

Aberrant patches of hair
just missing from it.

Two balls dangling down.

It looks like
a Christmas tree in January.

Just standing there
waiting for someone to put
it away, like...

"Come on, man, it's cold."

She's beau-- just the way
she arches her back

reaching for the orange juice
in the morning,

I want to tackle her right there
on the kitchen floor.

( high-pitched )
"You want some juice, baby?"

"Come here."

( high-pitched )
"What's the matter with you?"

"You're wearing
the red underwear.

What'd you think
was gonna happen?

Stay still."

( grunts )

Just find somebody to love
that loves you back.

Doesn't matter who it is,

your family ain't gonna like
them anyway, you know that.

Your family thinks
they know what's best for you.

Religion will tell you
who you can choose from.

Even the government.

The president
actually wants to make

a constitutional amendment

prohibiting gay marriage,
which goes against...

I don't know, the very
foundation of the country?

"All men are created equal.

Except these faggots
over here."

Did you read the thing
before you took the job?

Who cares?

Suck a dick, sing a song,
pay your taxes.

Just knock it off
with the parades.

Any gay people here?

We get it.
You're a festive bunch.

Knock it off.

I like women.

You don't see me
tying up traffic

for the annual
pussy festival, do you?

Of course,
I'd hold it in the spring.

I march in
the gay pride parade

every year in New York City.

Not for support.

I got to get across
Sixth Avenue to get home.

Every year,
it's the same thing.

"All right, Dorothy,
give me the sign.

Yeah, yeah, yeah."

My friend David's gay.

He's getting married
and his mother's upset

that the guy's not Jewish.

Some people just have
a line in the sand.

I was at the engagement party.

His mother was drunk.

Like, "Well, apparently,

it's too much to ask that
the bride be circumcised."

You look at a group of people
that had faith,

it's got to be the Jews.

The Jews followed Moses
through the desert

for 40 years with no map.

There had to be one guy
in the back, like,

"Hey, I don't think he knows
where he's going.

( exhales )

40 years?
What, are you kidding me?

I was ten
when we started this thing.

That footprint?
Mine, 15 years ago.

Circles.
We're walking in circles!

No, no,
don't shush me, Sheila.

Enough is enough.

I don't give a damn
if he hears me or not.

You're lost, Moses,
you cock-eyed bastard.

Get the bags.
We'll open a deli.

This is bullshit."

Don't get me wrong,
I believe in God,

I just hope he doesn't
write stuff down.

'Cause I made
a lot of deals with God,

and if I get audited...

He's gonna pull my file
and send down

some leg-breaking angel
to collect.

( imitates wings flapping )

"Excuse me, chuckle boy.

Let's review.

'Please don't let her
be pregnant,

and I'll never do it again.'

'I'll never drink again.'

'I'll never drink again.'

'I'll never drink again.'

'Please don't let her
be pregnant,

and I'll never drink again.'"

Yes. I believe in God.

I believe in the spiritual
precept of wholeness.

We're given
everything we need.

The answers lie within.

( deep voice )
Go within, my son.

I have no time
to meditate. None.

I live in New York City,
I have A.D.D.,

I have a caffeine addiction,
I'm an American.

We're not known
for our patience.

We just started a war
without double-checking
the facts.

Are you kidding me?

"They're buying uranium
from Africa."

"Really?"

"That's what Randy told me.
Send them in."

And the world hates us.

The world can't stand us, man.

( French accent )
"Oh, those Americans.

You know they wash
themselves every day?"

'Cause the rest of the world
thinks Americans are arrogant.

And, you know...

fuck you.

Yeah, we're arrogant people.
This is a horrible country.

That's why everyone's coming
here for a better life.

How many people have
a timeshare in Yemen?

Anyone?

Go during the stoning season.
It's fabulous.

Who needs Disneyland?

I was just in Florida, too.

My grandma passed away.

( audience sighs )

Oh, thank you.
She was 92 with one leg.

We saw it coming.

But my dopey cousins
are at the funeral like,

"Why?"

She's 92 with one leg.

Why? How about,
"What took so long?"

My grandmother's
last words were,

( rasping )
"Fucking finally."

She had everything wrong
with her.

Every system
was shutting down.

Parts were falling off
the woman.

She wouldn't go, man.

She was like a Dodge Dart.
You couldn't kill her.

The doctors were coming out of
her hospital room like...

Yeah.

Night before
they take her leg off,

I'm sitting
in her hospital room,

rubbing her little head.

She had that dandelion hair.

You know, it was white,
and there wasn't a lot of it,

like a dandelion.

You just wanted to
go up behind her like,

"Make a wish."

( Italian accent )
"What you do to my hairs?"

I never felt so helpless
in all my life.

She was comforting me.

I'm like,
"Grandma, what can I do?"

She's like, "Adamo,
there's nothing you can do.

It's not you, Adamo.
It's God, you know?

God, he wants me, just,
uh, not all at once."

So she finally passes away,
we go to the funeral.

And if you've never
seen Italians

lay their dearly departed
to rest,

it's very tasteful.

Flowers all over the body.

Big horseshoe flowers,

like she won the Kentucky Derby
or something.

"Good luck in Heaven."

I'm standing over the body,

tears are falling out
of my eyes.

My dopey cousin leans in like,

"She looks good, huh?

Not too much makeup,
they sewed the mouth straight.

This is beautiful work
we're looking at here."

"What the fuck
is wrong with you?"

"What? She looks peaceful.

That's all I'm trying
to tell you."

"Of course she looks peaceful.
She's dead, you idiot.

What'd you expect her
to look like?

Like a beaver getting hit
by a truck?

It's a funeral.
It's a somber occasion.

How many times have you heard,
'How was the funeral?'

'Rowdy. She got up.' What?"

Did you ever get
a good look at your family
and think to yourself,

"If I wasn't related to them,

I'd have nothing to do
with these people"?

We're back at the house,
he's eating, he's like,

( smacks lips )
"This prosciutto's fresh.

That's the way she would've
wanted it."

"No. You know what
she would've wanted?

You dead and her here
eating the prosciutto.

That's what
she would've wanted.

She never liked you,
jackass."

They're lunatics.

Absolute lunatics.

My other cousin
comes up to me, he's like,

"Look, I understand this

is a very stressful time
for all of us.

The sadness is upon us.

Maybe you want some ecstasy?"

I said,
"I can't even have dairy.

What, are you kidding me?"

He goes,
"Look, I got something here,

gonna make you see
the big picture.

Really gonna open up your eyes
about a lot of things, okay?

I got acid."

"Acid? What, did you just
get out of a time warp?

Who the hell has acid?"

"The only thing is,
you got to be careful.

See, there's good trips
and there's bad trips.

Whatever's on your mind
when you come onto the acid,

that's the kind of trip
you're gonna have."

"I don't want
any of this, okay?

I don't need my mortgage
coming to life.

Please, I just...

It's bad enough it's on
my back for 30 years,

I don't need it
sitting on the couch
talking to me."

"I'm never getting any smaller,
you know that.

I'm not getting any smaller."

"My savings is melting!"

They're out-- my family's
out of their minds.

I got an Uncle Tony.

We call him
"Uncle 8 o'clock."

Every time he comes
over to our house,

"Hi, Uncle Tony."

"Look, if anybody asks,

I've been here since
8 o'clock, all right?"

He's always got a scam,
Uncle Tony.

When he wants to
mail a letter,

he puts the address
he wants it to go to

where the return address goes,

and throws it in the mailbox
without a stamp.

It gets marked
"insufficient postage"

and sent to
the return address.

I'm like, "Uncle Tony,
you know, that's mail fraud.

"Nah, nah."

That's brilliant.
What, are you kidding me?

Male fraud is like a chick

with a dick or something.

You know how cool
my Uncle Tony was?

He used to drive me to school.

He would pull over five blocks
before we got there,

let me get behind the wheel

so the kids could see me
rolling up.

I was 12.

He'd pick me up after school.

He had this giant
Buick Electra.

And he smoked those
De Nobili cigars. They stunk.

They were like Jersey
in a wrapper, just...

( man boos )

Man: Yes!

He's like, "What'd they
learn you in school today?"

"Well, Uncle Tony,
they told us

if you give a man a fish,
he eats for a day.

But if you teach
a man to fish,

he eats for the rest
of his life."

"All right, that's wrong.

You give a man a fish,

that man owes you
a fish and a half.

Every day
he don't pay you back,

it goes up another
half a fish.

You don't get no fish
a couple, three weeks,

you got to
break his rod and reel

and send a message,
kid, all right?

Who are you, Mrs. Paul,

giving away all this fish
for God's sake?

Sink his boat.
That'll get his attention.

I lost my virginity
when I was 14 years old...

to a woman who was 38.

Hold your applause.

( light applause )

I had nothing to do with it.

There's a knock on the door.

"Hello?"

"You Adam?

Uncle Tony says
Happy Birthday.

Stay still."

Two seconds later,
I'm standing there

in this confused
state of euphoria

and the phone rings.

( imitates phone ringing )

"Hello?"

( laughs )

"Don't tell your mother."

I go to see him now,
he denies everything.

Denies everything.

"I don't know what
you're talking about.

I don't know
what this person is

or where you get
these stories from.

Get out of here.
My grandkids are here.

Knock it off."

I know he's different now
he's got grandkids.

My girlfriend and I are
talking about having a baby.

Well, she talks about it
and I black out.

I don't know what kind of
father I'm gonna be.

And we're all products
of our parents.

All your mother's traits
are in the egg

and all your father's traits
are in the sperm.

And, if I know my parents,

that sperm and egg
had a fight.

My mother's egg--

"I have been waiting
for you for 28 days.

You're late.
Where have you been?"

"Don't start with me.

I have been swimming
my ass off out there.

I'm sitting in traffic,

some guy's tail's waving
in my face.

There's a recessive gene
in front of me

doing this shit."

Yeah, so I don't know.

I don't know what kind of
father I'm gonna be,

but I'll tell you one thing,

that kid's gonna shovel
the driveway, damn it.

Thanks for coming to see me,
folks.

( cheering and applause)

Thank you.

( music playing )

All right.

( music fades )

I've had it with all of you.

Thank you so much
for being a part

of this night for me, folks.
I really appreciate it.

Get home safe
and just go home and fuck

while you
still love each other.

Good night, folks.
Take care.

( music playing )