Actors (2000) - full transcript

ACTORS

You heard me...

You heard me asking
for a jar of hot water...

Yes.

Did I ask for it?

Yes.

Then why doesn't he bring it?

Perhaps you were not
quite convincing.

Did I do it wrong?

It seemed you wanted
a jar of lukewarm water.

Don't think about the jar,
it could be any jar.



You say nothing.
You never say anything!

What do you want me to say?

Did you hear me asking for the water?

- To whom?
- The waiter.

That hasn't left an unerasable memory.

That's annoying.

Were you listening to me?

It's up to you to make
yourself listened...

if you want to be listened.

Are you sure you asked for it?

What?

The jar of hot water.

He asked for it.
Ten minutes ago.

It's the "how". That's the problem.



Weren't you a bit soft?

No. I was firm.
Polite but firm.

You don't look firm to me.
More kind of helpless.

Aren't you a bit helpless?

Can you show us how
you requested the hot water?

- You want me to repeat it?
- Yes.

- Can you do the same twice?
- Of course!

We are listening.

Waiter, please, can I have a
small jar of hot water?

Their coffee is good, but...

Soft.

What d'you mean ?soft??

Soft.

Besides, the guy,
he did not hear you.

It's the second time he hasn't heard you.

He wasn't far away.
He should have heard you.

Then you show me how you ask for the hot water.

I don't ask for hot water.

Isn't your coffee too strong?

- No, as I'm drinking it.
- Doesn't it make you skittish?

Of course.

See I was right?
Just look at you.

I'll be fine.

With some water you could water it down.

I didn't ask for water.

But I did, and it doesn't come.

That's what makes us different.

Do I speak clearly?

No joke, I'm asking seriously.

Do I speak clearly?

I share your anguish.

What is an actor who is
no longer listened?

He is a lost man, my old friend.

- But I am listening to you.
- Are you?

I promise.

What did I say to you?

You were speaking about the hot water...

What about it?

I don't know, it was...

Sorry to interrupt you...

What? What's the matter?

One hour and a half with that!

We're just talking.

Yes, but I don't give a damn.

What a filthy job!

At least we work.

- Yeah, with whom?
- That...

Who's paying for the bill?

It's just a missed lunch,
it's not that serious.

There are much worse things.

That's the typical reasoning
that really makes me mad.

You break a leg, and the guy
tells you: "It's only a broken leg,

a cancer would be much worse.?
Unbeatable!

Nothing already matters.

Your wife goes away,
"that's nothing,

thank God that you're not blind.?

Your son is on drugs,
"a war would be much worse."

The war breaks out,
"not serious,

not nuclear, just
the old kind with mortars."

It's nothing! They smash you
to bits, but it's nothing!

All right, I have been drinking.

I am an actor who drinks.
A good actor drinks!

Aren't you going to stone me?

I wouldn't dare.

All great actors drink!

G?rard Philippe did not drink.

Neither did Laurence Olivier.

Carmet drank.

I agree. Carmet drank.

- Depardieu drinks.
- Depardieu, I agree.

Piccoli drinks.

Piccoli?

Piccoli drinks.

Piccoli has never drunk.
I have never seen him drunk.

And me? You see me drunk? So?
Waiter, pour me another one.

Yes, Mr. Villeret, right now.

He can hear when he is told
something interesting.

Thank you, my friend. Leave the bottle.

Have you met Mr. Marielle?

Delighted.
I loved your last film.

- You did?
- Very good.

Do you remember the title?

Yes, er...
Something with... "bush"?

"Bushes"?

"Behind the bushes"?

No. There were no bushes.
No bushes.

What was there then?

A jar of hot water.

A jar of hot water, what for?

- I am Jean-Pierre Marielle.
- Yes.

- The actor.
- Yes, I see.

- That's it.
- Good.

That's all.

Sure.

Do you want me to replace you for a while?

With pleasure. I leave them to you.
Going to take some fresh air.

You'll see.

That's a smiling good humored guy.

Are you drinking Marielle's coffee?

Of course, why not?

It's cold.

I like cold coffee.

Then drink it.

Of course I'll drink it.
Of course.

No sugar?

Marielle never uses it.

He's right. Much better.
Thus you feel the bitterness.

Well, guys, how is everything?

Well, well.

Always smiling, aren't you?

Who? Me?

Yes, you. Claude Rich.
You're Claude Rich, right?

Er... yes.

Yes.

The smiling actor...

Yes.

Always smiling?

Er... I mean... Yes.

I try to.
As far as possible.

Is it a natural smile
or only a facade?

I have always smiled.

You have also smiled.

I remember you smiling.

I don't smile any more.

Besides, neither do you.

Now, right now, why don't you
smile any more?

I smile. Look.
Look as I smile.

I even laugh.

A guy who smiles all the time
has something to hide.

What are you hiding?

Answer when you're asked a question.

Well, it's because...

I've been so happy...

I've always wondered why, why me.

So much luck, how's that possible?

Even when I fell down,
I thought "lucky guy"

You see these small eye wrinkles?

That's called a "wrinkled".

It means that the curtain is open.

I give a charming performance.

People love me.

They think I'm brilliant.

I feel light.

I wear another man's costume.

A powdered lady even helped me
to put it on.

Like when I was little...

and my mother dressed me.

Do you understand now?

Is there anything to be undrestood?

I'm explaining why I smile.

Yes.

I'm gentle enough to smile.

Yes.

You don't feel the same?
The need to thank?

No.

No? Then what do you feel?

Nothing. Only a feeling of emptiness.

I'm like a container.

A hot water jar?

You know about that?

Everybody knows about it.
That's why I've come.

- It seems the blow was hard.
- Very hard.

But what did he want to do with it?
Drink it?

We don't know. We didn't understand.

What the heck should I do
with this water jar?

I'm only asking you to order it.

You, move from there.
Leave your place for this gentleman.

And where shall I put myself now?

You can take my place.

My life is ruined.

Thank you, you're very kind.
If I can help you...

Do you have a gun?

On me?

Forget it. He understands nothing.

But wait!

I don't know if I have a gun.

Who's this idiot?

What am I supposed to do?

He doesn't know what he has to do.

How should I know it?

Think of your text.
Always and above all, your text.

Yes, but what text?
No one gave me a text!

Then clear off and stop
annoying us.

Come, you're at the wrong table.

When I'm given a place
I never give it up to anybody.

- I'm not asking that.
- What do you want?

Nothing, nothing!

Then shut up and stop this show.

For some people here lunch
is a time to rest.

I won't ask for your jar of hot water!

You want to be a bore!

I won't ask for it.
You do it yourself.

Me? The guy doesn't hear me.

I don't want to be filmed.

No one is filming you.

Don't believe you!
There's always a hidden camera.

Forget the camera, otherwise
you'll be bad.

Right now you're good.
Forget the camera.

A jar of hot water.

Don't ask me.
Ask the waiter.

There are four waiters.

The one who's going away, the thin one.
Hurry up!

Waiter! Please!

Could I have a jar of hot water, please?

Right away!
A jar of hot water! One!

Can I go to my date now?

What do you do for a living?

Actor.

Are you acceptable?

- Are you famous?

I know Mr Villeret well.

But I don't know you.

I'm Decharme. Christian Decharme.

- Businessman.
- We don't care.

- I had a partner...
- We don't care.

- A 30 year's friendship...
- We don't care.

This guy, how shall I put it...

But we don't care.

- He was more than a brother.
- We don't care.

Not a bit tired of saying
"we don't care"?

Yes. Beginning to.

Where does it hurt?

The trapeziuses!

Take off your jacket,
I'll give you a massage.

You're not wanted here again, is that clear?

You are "regurgitated".
The restaurant "regurgitates" you.

Poor idiot.

I'm not a poor idiot.
You're wrong.

there aren't enough roles for all,
that's the truth.

We talked about it at the meeting,
remember?

At present the role is mine,
tomorrow you'll have it.

But for the moment, it's mine.

So you go away and leave
the place to me.

Anyway, I will be better.

You know that.

It's not a role for you.

The suit would be
too large for you.

Too much cloth. You would float.

Good.

Will you call me in at the countryside?

may I know this idiot's name?

We get along well, hey?

Being together is a good idea.

Yes. Excellent.

The first time we've filmed together?

Yes, the first.

We are good, right?

Not the worst for sure.

Where are we going like this?

I know nothing.

Isn't he going to say "cut"?

- Forget it, act natural.
- I am natural.

You could be more.

Don't stay in the middle,
we're filming a shot.

A shot? What shot?

A shot where there's some idiot
passing who does not recognize us.

But I recognize you! I want an autograph!

- We don't give them.
- You're not nice.

I am nice. Got a paper?

I even have a pen.

Hurry up, losing precious time.

My name is Andr? Dussolier.

That's it! Signed!

Clear off! I keep the pen.

Where's the other idiot?

Talking about me?

No, not you.

You said "the other idiot".
Not very nice...

I was talking about Sami Frey.

Have you seen him?

I haven't seen any Sami.
But I've been around.

Are you following me?

Yes, I'm following you.

Why?

I have the right to follow
whoever I want.

If I want, I'll overtake you...

Look, I'm overtaking you.

It's you who's following me now.

If I stop, you stop too.

And if I turn around?

- I also turn.
- I go the other way.

I keep following you.

- What if I stop?
- Where?

Middle of the crossroads. And now?

- I'm pissed off.
- Finally!

- The cars are shaving my buttocks.
- At last!

Move your ass, fag!

I'm not a fag!

What about fags?

What do you mean? Nothing.

- You don't like fags?
- Yes, very much.

I'm a fag!

Since when?

It's caught me recently.

How?

From behind.

Yes, inevitably.

Inevitably.

I don't like that word very much.

Me neither.

I prefer "tenderly".

I wasn't going to say "tenderly"

- You could have.
- I say what I want.

- Me, I do what I want.
- I don't give a damn.

I can give you one.

I forbid you to touch me.

I'll touch you if I want to.

You don't say!

In showbusiness there are very important
people who are homosexuals.

Yes, I know some.

I'm not talking about the known ones,
those who admit it.

What matters is those we don't know.

Piccoli, for example.

Piccoli? Come on, don't believe you.

He's a fag, I'm telling you.

He's a fag!

It's not recent.

You could have slapped him in the face,
he deserved it.

I was very firm.

He always thinks he's firm.

I've met some more firm.

In Italy.

Sorry, Pierrot.
I'm a bit nervous.

Tell me if there are things
you don't like about me.

Your skin still has
the smell of women.

The jar of hot water,

when I asked you for it,

did you hear me, or
was it to piss me off?

I heard someone...

asking for something...

but it was so blurred...

so distant...

It seemed somebody asking for help,

but without hope.

A drowning person?

Yes.

Not totally drowned yet,

but getting used to
the idea of dying.

"I'm drowning", he says to himself.

"Bah..."

"At last..."

Does someone pay you?

- What for?
- To get me down.

I was already down.

Who's plotting against me?

It's not against you,
it's against all actors.

But why actors?

What have they done wrong?

Sir,

Sir,

I've something to ask from you.

Can you give me an autograph?

An autograph?

From me?

What for?

I'm Pierre Arditi.

yes, I've recognized you.

One day I was at Quimper,

with a woman I dreamt
of marrying.

I was proposing, confessing my love

and you came for an autograph.

Yes, I remember it very well.

You didn't have a pen.

- Yes, that's true.
- Nor paper.

Right.

And me, to please that woman,

to show her that an actor
can be a simple commited person,

I went for some paper and she ran off,
never to be seen again...

And now I live with
Jean Claude Brialy!

Very good, Brialy!

Not bad, but I prefer a woman.

Then you may have mine.

- Do you have one?
- Of course.

- How's she?
- Very well.

She's the one you were crazy about.

Did she leave with you?

Yes, a crazy story.
Do I sign the autograph?

- Yes...
- A pen?

Yes... yes.

Here's my card.
Fran?ois N?gre.

We might have lunch some day.

Interesting projects?
Cinema? Theatre?

You do mainly theatre?

You, you're above all an idiot!

I try to alternate:
idiot, intelligent...

Like me:
theatre, cinema...

Harmony in some way.

That's it, harmony.

That's very French, harmony.

Of course, harmony is...

Okay, ciao!

Ciao!

Are you Pierre Arditi?

What do you care?

- I admire you a lot.
- Thank you.

I run to see the plays you're in.

Won't she shut up?

To the cinema too.
I see all your films.

If I had to choose,
I'd prefer the theatre.

You're a stage man!

You glue me, Madame!

"I glue you"?
Did I hear right?

Yes, you glue me.

What do you mean by that?

You glue...

to my balls!

I feel sucked!

Oh, you're so funny!

- She thinks I'm funny!
- And so Parisian!

I'm going to kill her!

No, don't do it!

Yes, yes, I need it!
I need it!

Do not be afraid, Ladies and Gentlemen!
They're actors playing!

Greet them!

I'll screw them! I'll screw them!

Ok, but at the same time
greet them. Nice, be nice...

- Going to kill the fat woman.
- This way.

You're a pain!

I have known big pains,
but you beat them all.

If there had been a paparazzo,
what'd have happened to your career?

Give me a present.

Now you want a present!
And why a present?

- To console me.
- Ok, a small one, then.

Don't like them small,
I prefer nothing.

What a cross! You're pretty
pampered already.

Pampered? By what? By whom?

By life!

Old fag!

I'm sorry, Jean-Claude.

I am going to ask you a thing:

you're going to be kind and respect me.

I'm older than you...

Not much, even so 15 years older.

I knew Marl?ne Dietrich,

and almost knew Sacha Guitry.

I was famous before you.

The Nouvelle Vague,
have you heard about it?

You rise,

I step down. It's normal.

They choke me, after 50 years.

They're fed up.

But I'm still here.

And I still play husbands,

bankers, furious lawyers.

I am not proud, but
I'm not ashamed either.

I accept any role.

But I would never accept

to play a fag.

Even so, you fuck up my ass!

Who said "cut"?

Did anyone say "cut"?

Did you hear "cut"?

I did not hear any "cut".

Where were we?

I was telling you:
"Though you fuck me".

You know that's a joke!
All this is a joke!

Everything in life is a joke:
love,glory, even the stroke of genius ...

Ah, the Caviar House!
Let's go have a snack.

No, thank you.

I don't give a damn! I'm hungry!
Haven't eaten since last night.

I haven't had my present!

Still your present!

- What do you want?
- A watch.

You already have three!

Then I'll have four. Give me
a big slap! Slap me! Slap me!

- Thanks, feeling better.
- That hurt, didn't it?

- It will vanish with the caviar.
- How whimsical!

Of course, yes, of course!

Follow that idiot, that one,
the one with a jar of hot water!

All of them have one.
Are you shooting a film?

No, no, of course not!

Where are you going?
Where's the camera?

Is that hot water for me?

Don't stay in the middle!
Who's this idiot?

I have asked for a jar
of hot water!

Can I hold your arm?

Leave me alone.

Please! Let me be kind! My heart
is inflated by Spring!

You speak like Claude Rich.

Yes, I've been told that often.
Specially when I'm happy.

I liked Claude Rich.

Ah, yes! Me too!

He was a fine actor.

Yes, and you could smell
something dangerous.

The villain behind the smile.

But why do we have to run?

It's my wicked side!

Are you crazy?
See what you've done?

I was here!
I have seen everything!

- What have you seen?
- You hit that gentleman.

Me? I did not have time!

You don't need an hour to strike.
Look. I'm striking you!

Have you seen?
Wasn't I good?

- Magnificent!
- Another one?

Let's go!

Ah, no! No! No!

Ah, yes! Yes, yes!

What's going on?

Wait, don't move.

What are you looking at?

We'd like someone to tell us.

I find it pretty beautiful.

Don't you agree it's beautiful?

Wait for me, I'm coming!

Shut up!
I'm viewing the exposition!

How do you know it is an exposition?

They expose a lot of things
in the Champs Elys?es.

It's hyper-realist...
an American thing.

It is well-built, by the way.

Is it cold?

What d'you mean?

I'm asking you if it is cold.

What?

The statue! Is it cold?

Isn't that Depardieu who smashed
himself with his motorcycle?

What motorcycle?
There's no motorcycle.

Yes, precisely! There is one,
over there!

Ah, this pisses me off!

Shut up, we're seeing that motorcycle!

That's not a motorcycle!

Yes, it is a motorcycle.

Hot?

Are you dead?

No!

Drunk?

Yes!

What did I tell you? He's drunk.
That's a good actor.

Step aside, idiot!

Doesn't come off, fucking helmet.

Pull, damn!

I'm pulling, shit!

He must be swollen...

Of course!

You do it!

No.

- I don't know this guy.
- Me neither.

Andr?!

Why's he shouting?

I'm abandoned in the middle
of the Champs-Elys?es!

So what? Why the hell
should I care?

Leave him, he's a pain.

You're right, he's a pain.

Andr?!

Yes, what d'you want from Andr??

- Forget him.
- Wait, he's a cripple.

For that reason! Precisely!

Put me on the sidewalk!

Which sidewalk? There are plenty!

Don't be mean, come for me.
They are going to wipe me!

If we go, that means we're fond of you.

No, that's not it, it's only about
saving a guy.

But that guy, if we don't like him?

If we really dislike him?

It's not real dislike!

Yes! You may believe us!

Me, I find you unpleasant!

Me too! The same!

Motherfucker!

Assholes!

Do you need help?

No, thanks. Everything's fine.

- Are you sure?
- Completely.

You don't seem very well.

Who, me?

Yes, you.

Forget it. It's Depardieu.

He crashed again?

No, it's fake,
it's for a film.

A film you are shooting?

Yes, yes, this very moment.

- Where's the camera?
- You can't see it. It's hidden.

And where is it hidden?

In my ass.

- Where are the others?
- What others?

I was with Andr? Dussolier
and Claude Rich.

Ah, yes!

Morons! Why are you hitting me
on the head?

Your papers!

- My papers? What papers?
- Your papers!

I don't have papers,
you're real morons.

Look out! You want to be
moved to Corsica?

No,not Corsica, G?rard!
Not Corsica!

Be careful, I know people
in the government.

We're leaving, G?rard, we're leaving...

Come on, move!

Key! Motorcycle! Pull out!
Move! Police headquarters!

I also had a motorcycle!
It exploded! Exploded! Headquarters!

Is our group homogeneous?

No.

What d'you mean, no?

Excuse me, but we're not
a homogeneous group.

Why isn't it homogeneous, then?

There are enmities.

Between who and who?

It's Dussolier who sows discord.

I sow discord?

Yes, he's the one who sows discord.
Dussolier's very disagreeable.

With whom?

With me.

Claude Rich is also disagreeable.

Claude Rich is usually nice,

but with Dussolier,
he gets very, very stupid.

That's true.

What d'you mean?

Very bad, your influence on me.

- Is it?
- Very bad.

I like Sami Frey very much.

I also like him very much.

I don't like him.

I can't stand him.
How can we like him?

Me, I really can't stand you either.

And you know exactly why?

No... but it's strong.

Funny, I also feel
a certain displeasure.

Towards whom?

Towards you.

Good! All right!

There. I'm leaving the film.

This is it, you've got it!

Shitty film!

Stinking film!

Andr?!

Andr?!

I beg you, listen to me.

What d'you want? What?

We need you.
Your absence creates a void.

We're on three legs! Stay!
Even Sami wants you to stay.

Tell him to fuck off.

Oh, that's disgusting!
You're spitting in your soup.

Mastroianni would never have left.
Never.

He did his job smiling.
He always got up in a good mood.

Like the sun.

I'm not Mastroianni.
No one can replace Mastroianni.

Me, I cannot replace him.

Who can? Any idea?

Anyone who's good,
no one will see the difference.

If you say nothing,
they'll think it's me.

You have to stop being idiots.

We all are talented,
have desirable careers.

There is no reason to be jealous.

Well,

Sami,

I apologize to you...

I've been aggressive, mean ...

You're overreacting...
You're overreacting...

I was agressive and mean!
Stop interrupting me!

I was not interrupting you,
I was trying to be kind.

That doesn't work for you.
You're not kind!

Ms Dussolier, can I have an autograph?

With pleasure. Right now.

To whom?

Charly, my husband.

He collects autographs.

I'll write "To Charly"...

and I sign...

Your name. Your name...

Andr? Dussolier?

For example.

You don't care about the name?

I know I like you without the autograph.

I'll sign Piccoli.

Well, that annoys me.

You don't like him?

Not really.

He's a good actor, but
he means nothing to me.

I don't like him very much either.

He doesn't seem to act,
he's there, but he doesn't act.

And you prefer an actor who really...

Of course! An "actor".

Like Sami Frey?

Sami Frey, yes. I agree.

I'll sign Sami Frey.

Good idea.

Sami, does it annoy you?

Do not rack your brain.

He's accommodating.

I'll write "To Charly,
with greetings from Sami Frey".

And Jacques Villeret,
do you like him?

Villeret, oh my God,
he's so funny!

Because he is here.

I know, I saw him.
Of course he's here.

I know. My God, he's so funny!

Then I write "To Charly,

with greetings from
S. Frey and J. Villeret".

I'll tell him I saw them
at the same time.

Two old mates together.

What are they doing?
We've got to hassle them.

I've got a trainee
in front of each van,

knocking on the door
until they come out.

Why don't they come out?

I don't know.

Do I have to go there myself?

You'll have to make do
with what's left.

I'm ready.

You may go on.

Engine!

Rolling!

Clapperboard!

What do I write in the clapperboard?

Cut, shit! What?

What do I write in the clapperboard?

I don't know!

Write "Sicilian".

- "Sicilian"?
- "Sicilian".

Silence!

When you wish.

Engine!

Rolling!

Clapperboard!

Sicilian, one, first.

Action!

There won't be a lot of action.

Then I don't say "Action!",
I say "Go!"

The best would be to say
absolutely nothing...

observe a moment of silence.

I know when I must leave.

D'you have a new store?

New store.

Then you can afford
10 minutes' silence.

I am a silent guy.

I have a silent mouth.

Except that now I feel like talking.

So, give me some news.

How do the films go?
Making a small profit?

Can you face up the Americans?

And your actors,
how are they feeling?

Actors are the most important.

Me, I knew Gabin.

Then also Lino.

I filmed with them.

Why isn't my chair with the others?

We didn't know you were coming.

And your manager?

It's me.

You should always have a chair
for a friend passing by.

A chair with his name on it.

That's pleasant.

He'll feel considered.

Are there chairs for Bourvil?

Simone (Signoret) and Yves (Montand)?

Louis de Fun?s?

We have all those chairs.

Then take them all outside,

so that we feel in family.

Come in!

We had asked for lunch at twelve,
not three.

- Sorry, I was busy.
- With what?

- Looking for a whore.
- What whore?

The one that took my role.

You asked me to replace you.

- Yes, but I came back.
- Why?

Because.

Shit! Shit! A story that seemed
to be magnificent!

You may call me Josie, if you like.

Good afternoon, Madame.

I'm Jacques ViIleret.

Have you met my companion Dussolier?

We're sorry to bother you.

May we come in?

We'd like to talk to you.

I'm not very...

You look very well.
Let's not lose time.

It's a serious subject.

What subject?

You're going to tell me, or I'll cry!

Do you know Jean-Pierre Marielle, Madame?

- The actor?
- Himself.

Everybody knows J-P Marielle.

Let's suppose one day he shows up
at your door suddenly.

What would you do?

I'd offer him a drink.

And us, are we shit?

Does it cross your mind
we may be thirsty?

What do you want to drink?

Double scotch.

Cold beer.

We come with you.

What for?

To see where you keep
your bottles, all that.

Are you planning to stay long?

As long as it's needed to
protect you, Madame.

Against what?

You're under threat, Madame.

You still don't know it,
but you're under threat.

By whom?

J-P Marielle is coming to visit you.

- When?
- Soon.

We'll stay here.

You never know what can happen.

What do you mean?

J-P Marielle isn't all right.

What happened to him?

He's not well.

- Is it a bedroom?
- No, no, the bed is not made.

At 3 o'clock?

We are staying here.

Leave the door open,
so that we can see and hear.

Good afternoon.

Monsieur...

- Sorry to bother you.
- No problem.

Is your husband home?

No, not now.

Could I wait for him?

Where?

Here, for example.

Is it convenient?

I am Jean-Pierre Marielle.

What time does your husband come home?

It depends.

What do you mean?

Sometimes early, sometimes late.

I'll wait for him even if
he comes late.

He doesn't sleep out?

No...

Except when he is travelling.

But at present

he isn't travelling.

No, no.

Would you tell me?

I don't understand.

Would you keep me waiting for him

even if he was at Limoges?

Why would I do that?

However, you do not look unhappy.

Well, no...

actually...

Not unhappy, but...

no longer...

What d'you mean?

Tell me about your husband.

Why should I talk about
my husband with a stranger?

I am not a stranger.

I'm interested in your husband.
I want to know things.

But what things?

Do you laugh with him?

Yes, sometimes.

Is he funny, the guy?

Sometimes.

But not very funny?

Shit! I don't know any more.

Tell me he is funny, I beg you.

Yes and no, like everyone else.
It depends.

Does he play tricks?

- What kind of tricks?
- Mean tricks!

- Did he play a mean trick on you?
- Very mean.

- Look, there he is.
- Who?

- My husband. Stay where you are.
- I won't move.

What's this guy doing here?

I am Jean-Pierre Marielle.

I know, I've recognized you.

I am Jean-Pierre Marielle,
"the real one"!

Of course.

The actor.

I'm an actor too.

May I know your name?

Piccoli.

Piccoli what?

What d'you mean, "Picoli what"?

There are many Picolis
in the list.

What do you want?

I've come for my jar of hot water.

Can you release my hand?

I will, when I have my
jar of hot water.

- Darling...
- Yes...

Give the hot water to J-P Marielle,
it seems important to him.

Very important.

I don't want to finish a puzzle

and find out a piece is missing.

Certainly. Certainly.

An actor is in crumbs
at the end of his career.

That's right.

Look, I believe my eyes are wet.

Yes, indeed.

Tears.

You're seized by an emotion.

I think I'm a good actor at last.

Oh, yes?

I needed an entire life.

Really?

In the beginning I acted,
but not any more.

Things come to me as in reality.

I have never acted...

Not even as a youth?

Right away I was good.

I remember. I remember.

At ease in any role.

Without effort.

A parade.

I had to force myself.
It was necessary to put it over.

Not to mention my voice effects.

Ah, your famous voice effects!

In fact, I was full of tics.

Not always.

Of course, indeed, always.

My God, how I was bad!

And now you're good?

Very good.

Erased all my tics.

I'm like a rock.

Remarkable trajectory.

I think so.

Here, your jar of hot water.

Thank you. Very kind.

Are you leaving with me
or staying a while?

Why would I leave?

To go home.

This is my home!

Are you sure?

It's my furniture, it's my wife!

You compare your wife
to a piece of furniture?

No! Absolutely!

This woman is not your wife.

- Really?
- I assure you.

Whose wife is she, then?

I don't know. A bastard with a
cold fish face,

who's a waiter at the Caviar House

and who pretends being deaf
when I speak to him.

No shame being a waiter at
the Caviar House!

A waiter is a man like any other.
He deserves some respect!

Even if he goes to bed with your wife?

Even if he goes to bed with my wife!

And how do you know that?

I've followed him.

How far?

This far.

- To my house?
- Affirmative.

Every day around four,
after his first shift ends,

he leaves the restaurant
and comes to meet your wife,

with whom he stays at least until six,

enough time for a shag.

My love! My love!

Don't be afraid, my darling.

This idiot isn't going to separate us.

And now you may go away!

What are you waiting for?

Everywhere you pass by

nothing grows any more,
except black flowers.

I've seen some male nurses!

Does it happen often, seeing male nurses?

What male nurses?

There are people who see male nurses.

We don't see them!
If we see them, we'll call you!

- Don't get nervous.
- I'm nervous, shit.

- I don't like it.
- Neither do I.

He has to restrain himself!

I forbid you to call my wife a vixen!

I didn't call her that!

- But you thought of it!
- So did you!

Exactly.

You must admit that it's justified.

I don't like the word "vixen".

You have just been awesome.

- You think so?
- Magnificent!

No, it's the reply that's magnificent,
you only have to say it.

The reply is beautiful,

but you are deeply moving.

It's my weakness...

It's everyone's weakness...

men and women at last together,

equal before the great mystery...

What mystery?

Love...

If I were you I wouldn't be so confident,

cause you're a woman whose house
anyone can get in easily.

- You could get in?
- Yes, so could you.

I had the keys!

And the waiter at the Caviar House,
does he have the keys?

Don't you ever look under your bed
at night?

Under my bed?

In case an unscrupulous guy is there.

I trust Genevi?ve.

Fascinating, the stupidity
of a loving guy.

I met her in 1989 at Gers,

we were shooting a film.

She was a makeup assistant.

And this?

Is he a makeup assistant?

- Do you go to bed with Villeret?
- What an idea!

I find a guy in pyjamas
in my wife's bedroom,

you don't have to be a genius!

- The first idiot he gets.
- What did you say?

Me? Did I say something?

I saw your lips move!

How could you see them?
You had your back on me.

I saw them in her eyes,
your accomplice.

I can move my lips
without a word! Look!

Repeat what you've just said, bastard!

Repeat it, if you have the guts!

Repeat it, comedian!
Comedian! Repeat it!

There! I can see her!
She's moving! She's moving!

She's moving!

What's the matter?

I see people on the corners.

- What corners?
- All of them!

- Was it sudden?
- Yes!

No, I've always seen them.

On the corners?

Sometimes on the corners, sometimes
in the middle of the room,they look at me.

And on the street, they follow me.

In lifts, they are there.

No need to ask them "What floor",

they always go to the same as myself.

The ambulance is down on the street.

Proceed with discretion.
Don't wake people up.

Don't fight, no scenes.

Relax, I'm very soft.

Even with a jar of hot water?

- I want to see a doctor.
- Are you an actor?

- At the public's service.
- Then, to Belgod?re.

- Ah, no, not Belgod?re!
- Yes.

That's despicable, what you're doing.

We're doing our job!

Do you know who Belgod?re is?

The actors' doctor.
Sorry. I didn't choose him.

Hello, my friend Marielle.

So, what's up?

Why doesn't he answer?

Marielle! It's me, Belgod?re!

Don't you recognize a friend?

Hello, Villeret.

Are we drinking at present?

Look out, he's leaving.

I'm here old man.

You know I'm here.

Come with him.
He'll feel more comfortable.

Hello, Dussolier.
How about that prostate?
[Note: I know women do not have them,
but that's what he says!!Olga]

Sometimes it bothers me.

We'll have to remove it.

Of course, it is not cancerous,
but ...

without being pessimistic,

it might become.

But, eh, eh, actors are

incredible,

they don't let themselves be treated.

The doctor has to tell them:
"You're magnificent",

"as fit as a fiddle",
"how do you manage to rejuvenate?"

If you say all that, you're a good doctor.

On the other hand, if you say:

"We have to examine that,

make an echography... the results
aren't very good...

This pain when you're examined
is worrying...

actually, I'm worried".
Then you should see them!

"What a complete idiot, this Belgod?re!

How sinister!

You get sick only by looking at him..."

I don't give a damn if I'm not funny.

I'm not here to be funny.

I'm not here to applaud you,
but to take care of you.

You'll tell me that actors

are fragile people,

we have to protect them,

handle them with care.

Is that a reason to let them die

if we can save them?

We wonder if they can stand
the test.

I tell them the truth.

Is it important, the truth?
They don't listen.

Just a week ago,

what's her name...

this comic actress,

a pretty well-known girl,
she has debuted

at the night spot with
Jugnot, Blanc, Lhermitte...

A fat one?

Yes, rather fat.
Rather coarse.

Balasko?

Yes, Josiane Balasko!

- I've never liked her.
- She's nice.

A whore, yes!

Yes, a whore, anyway,

we're not here to judge.

Everyone should do as they please.

We're here only to worry

about everyone's state of health.
Then she comes here

all smart and happy,
you know her...

the joy of living.

I immediately stopped that joy of living.

You'll see what I did.

"My dear Josiane",
I tell her, "how are you?"

"No diseases?"

"No, no, everything's fine,
the machine works."

"The periods, abundant?"

"As always", she says boldly.

"Still eating meat?"

"I have eaten less."
Be careful with meat,

it's dangerous now.

I know. There's nothing we can eat now.

Not even maternal milk is reliable.

It's true, no kidding,

if a woman eats calf's head very often

when she gives her chest
the child sucks calf's head!

That was the moment when I

struck at the heart of
her impregnable optimism.

"And that little black thing
you have on your cheek?"

I ask her:

"Have you had it long?"

What? Where?

Just below your eye.

It's a beauty spot...

May I have a look?

I feel uneasy about it.

What d'you mean?

Have you had many
sexual intercourses

since last time?

What last time?

The last time I saw you.

That was six months ago,
I air myself once in a while.

With anyone?

What d'you mean, "anyone"?

A bisexual, for example.

I do not ask them what they are...

You practice sodomy, of course.

What about me? My disease?
Who takes care of it?

Marielle, you drive me crazy.
Dussolier has just slapped me.

Well, I've got much more to do than
listen to the stupidity

of an actor who wants to remain
as he was 30 years ago.

Ok, what's the matter with you?

Nobody listens to me any more.

And me? Does anyone listen to me?

I listen to you.

What do you expect me to tell you?

Something comforting.

You're crazy, Marielle.

I've thought so for a long time.

I won't say it as I like you
so much, you're a good actor,

I still want to see you some
time more.

I do not have the courage,

such a nice guy, who honors

the actors' profession.
I apologize, but

I don't have the guts,
I do not have the guts.

The guts for what?

To tell you the truth!

To tell me I'm crazy?

You're crazy.

How crazy?

What d'you mean? Crazy, old man. Crazy!

No treatment?

None known.
The only one I know is...

The law forbids it.

- I want to know it!
- I'm forbidden by law.

Do not insist, Marielle!
And leave this office.

The consultation is over.

Tell what the treatment is,
you swine!

Talk or I'll strangle you.

- Pig!
- Release me, idiot!

I have an idea for you.

What idea?

Can you kill?

- Of course.
- Then try killing somebody.

That's what can do you some good.

- You think so?
- I'm sure.

The best way to find reality.

Yes, but who shall I kill?

You have no one to kill?

No...

- Kill a viewer.
- Why a viewer?

Think of your films that are flops.

Films you love.

Sometimes good films.

True! Those morons!

Actors are dead.

Dead for not being loved.

I feel better already.

Viewers commit crimes.

You know what their weapon is?

Indifference.

If I say Patrick Dewaere
what does it suggest to you?

He was a great artist.

He looked so gentle.

We miss him a lot.

We miss him a lot, yes.

Ok, move on!

He was so young...

When I see his movies
I tell myself:

"Good Lord, what an injustice!
What an injustice!"

I'm not going to talk about that junkie.

Such a feeble guy...

I never liked him.

And parking lots, do you like them?

No, I don't like them either.

Why don't you like them?

They remind me of Depardieu.

You don't like Depardieu either?

I used to like him,
he was funny, then

one day I was going on holiday
with my wife, the kids,the dog,

the station wagon full,
ready to depart

he came head on
talking on the phone,

in a bend he crashed into us.

I found him less funny.

Besides he had sex with my wife.

- Right there?
- I was in a coma,

she was all twisted, he did it

- in front of the kids!
- Are you kidding us?

- Of course.
- Are you kidding us?

- Certainly!
- Fuckhead! He thinks he's gonna fuck us!

We?ll take care of you!

- You see this fan?
- Yes.

Going to remove the grate...

We're going to hold you horizontally,

like a salami sausage,

and we're going to slowly
push your head into the fan.

What did you say?

- Are you deaf?
- It's for the fan! Stop the fan!

How, you idiot?

I cannot hear at all. Shit!
I don't want to die!

- What do you want?
- Go to the cinema.

See what?

- Anything good on?
- An impressive one

called "Sad Plain".

It takes place in the North.

It's about the anguish of a
jobless guy in front of his mine.

Black and white, camera in hand,
acted by amateurs.

- Go on, kill me.
- Go see it.

- Not that one! To the fan!
- If you go see it, you'll live!

I'm sick and tired
of living like a jackal!

Are you Fran?ois N?gre?

- Yes...
- I'm Jean-Claude Brialy.

- Yes...
- You don't give a damn?

- Yes...
- Thanks, I'm glad I came.

Do you know what time it is?

Actors live by night.

After theatre, we have supper.

Then a small Dom P?rignon
at a friend's house.

- I don't have Dom P?rignon.
- I thought so.

A guy like you
doesn't have Dom P?rignon.

You cannot afford it.

Well, I bought one, 600 Francs.
We'll have to try it.

Have you got champagne glasses?

Hide your enthusiasm.

I'm going to blush.

Well, shall we open it or not?

There's a draught.

What do you want?

Is your wife home?

Yes! Where do you think she should be?

- She might have left.
- Where?

With another guy,
or her mother's house

which ends up being
exactly the same

according to the tradition
of conservative theatre.

And I am a conservative actor.

Why aren't you sleeping?

Have you looked at the time?

Yes...

Your wife left for her mother's house

she dared do that and you cannot sleep.

You called her, she didn't answer.

That means two things:

your wife is elsewhere and
your mother-in-law is deaf.

My wife never leaves me.

- Never?
- Never.

Isn't that a burden?

It's the lightest burden.

How elegant!

Ah, that is a friend,
do you mind?

It's Pierre Arditi,
the theatre player.

- And cinema actor.
- Yes, cinema.

- I also make films.
- The whole world knows it.

You say "theatre",
as if you said "shit".

- You've got a nerve!
- Take it easy.

He drives me crazy!

My friend doesn't feel comfortable
with his homosexuality.

What do I care?

And you?

Are you fulfilled?

- What?
- With your wife.

Leave her alone.

May be she wants

some champagne.

Elle dort ? poings ferm?s.
She sleeps like a log.
[dormir ? poings ferm?s=sleep like a log, but the expression
is literally translated as "sleep with clenched fists"
There is a pun I cannot translate!]

How do you know that?

My wife has her fists clenched.

From night to morning
and morning to night.

Sometimes when I open them

we see the marks on the flesh.

We adopted 2 children.

I'm ridiculous

but I welcome your visit.

I was waiting for you.

No one comes to see us.

No one dares disturb us,
love isolates us.

It's like...

a church...

where...

you wouldn't dare enter.

Do you want to uncork
the champagne?

Take a seat, gentlemen.

Sorry for the oilcloth,
it's clean.

Do you recognize me?

Yes.

Is it her?

I don't know.

You remember? Quimper...

Crazy love

and my husband who tortured me,

whom I wanted to quit.

It was him, my husband.

Fran?ois...

who pretended to ask you for an autograph

and told me
"no more bullshit, let's go."

It was him.

I lived with him,
I didn't know I loved him.

A woman sometimes
makes mistakes.

I've done them all.

At 18, orgies.

At 22,

I was chased by the police
for being a murder accomplice.

I was dating a terrorist.

At 30,

I sold drugs to afford
to buy them.

During all those years,

Fran?ois never left me.

I mean, he followed me ...

with his teacher's salary...

he protected me from afar...

he looked for me, he took care of me...

I ran away...

I stole his dough...

I sold my jewellery.

And him,

always there,

without any reproaches.

I am Maria Schneider.
This scene makes me feel good.

And you, how's it going?

How have you been doing?

Well,

not bad...

I've been doing odd jobs.

I've met some women...

I agree with J-C Brialy,

it's a mistake.

A nice mistake, but a mistake anyway.

He knows it. He's sensitive.

Do you agree?

Do you agree we'd better separate?

Do as you like it.

I've already been coated.

Still, I'll miss you.

We may see each other sometime.

No, thanks, I'd rather not.

Forgive me, Jean-Claude.

Pierre...

I love women too much.

That's perhaps what I like.

Pardon? I don't understand.

Neither do I.

No one understands anything.

About what?

About men,

about women,

about everything.

It's high time I was there.

You leave them alone for 5 minutes,

and hoops,

they make you a marshmallow!

Be careful! Madame, don't stay
in front of me!

- You see I'm in a hurry!
- Why should I know you're in a hurry?

If I weren't in a hurry,
I wouldn't walk like this...

but like this.

- Was I walking like this?
- No! Absolutely!

How was I walking?

- Like this!
- There you are!

You understand when
you make an effort!

Don't stick to me!

But you are Michel Serrault!

No, I'm not Michel Serrault!

Do I look like Michel Serrault?

Just a bit of powder.

I'm not presenting the Actors.

Why do I have the worst place?

What place?

Where's the camera?

What camera?

- There's always a camera.
- Where?

Do you often eat sitting like an amazon!?

When there's not a camera!?

An amazon? I don't understand.

The table is here,

and you stay like this,
like an amazon.

Why are you sitting like that?

He, too, is like you!

Aren't you facing the camera?

Isn't the camera around?

Marielle, he doesn't give a damn,
he's in the middle.

He can't be missed!

Well, then...

if this is the way it is,

I'll sit like this.

There!

It's a natural position!

Yes, but it annoys me.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you're annoying me.

Well,

I'm annoying you.

- And why am I annoying you?
- You're on my wife's back.

Am I? But...

- What's the problem?
- You're looking at her nape.

She feels your look, that bothers her.

You're too near her.

Excuse me, I'm Michel Serrault.

I'm shooting a film,
above all, don't shout.

Go on eating,
and everything will be ok.

I forbid you to talk to my wife!

I am Michel Serrault!

And I'm Jacques Fran?ois!

Good day! How's it going?

Don't take my hand! The bill!

- I'm inviting!
- No way!

Yes, you and your wife.

I'm not the wife of J. Fran?ois.

Stop reminding me that.

All these people,
this milieu I hate,

which has harmed me so much!

Leave me alone,

all of you! Puppets! Jesters!

It's not me who's pretending!

I have a heart that beats!

My tears are real!

Well,

listen,

I cannot work under
these conditions!

Rebuild the setting,
and when you're ready,

call my lawyer
and my agent, both!

Would you have a small note
for a poor actor?

Aren't you Jean-Paul Belmondo?

Don't give me away to the cops.

- What cops?
- The special ones.

The actors' cops.

- Actors' cops?
- 8 days they've been after me.

Are you Michel Serrault?

Who's Michel Serrault?

An idiot.

Is he?

An idiot who plays an idiot.

R?pandu comme comportement.(??)

Except that, in this case,
he also risks his skin.

Does he?

Absolutely.

He plays the idiot,
he plays the idiot...

How does he play the idiot?

For example,
he refuses to cooperate.

With whom?

With us.

I'm sorry,

I've been unwell,

I haven't left my room

and with this migraine,

I did not watch TV.

Well, I watched it,
but it was off.

Was it interesting?

Not bad, not bad.

As interesting as if it were on,

for an old man like me,

and who, therefore,

has known a time
in which TV was

neither on

nor off.

That was, in my opinion, when
it was most noticed...

by its absence.

All this to say that...

I'm not very up-to-date.

You'll understand. Follow me.

I can't, I'm tied up.

With your chair!

Do you know this man?

No. Never seen him.

And him, does he know you?

Ask him.

As everyone else, he won't answer.

Why not?

He sems not to be very fond of us.

However, he is a smart guy.

I agree with you.

We understand nothing.

What does he do for a living?

He's an actor.

That's bad!

I agree.

What're you going to do with him?

Execute him.

Well, yes...

what else can you do!?

It's a pity.

Look,

he's not a great actor,
I don't know him.

Do you know others?

Well, I, actors...

You don't go to the cinema?

The least I can.

- Theatre?
- Never!

By the way, I never go anywhere!

Not even toilets!

That's why you're always bristly!

How d'you know I'm always bristly?

You're famous for it!

- Who?
- You! Michel Serrault!

I'm not Michel Serrault!

Then who are you?

I don't know who I am any more.

I've been disturbed all my life!

I am dilapidated!

I want something to sit on!

Use your chair!

Action!

That was the execution of an actor
who hasn't cooperated.

What does it mean, "cooperate"?

Give us other actors' names.

I had fun...

You know, I always had fun...

And after you had fun,
what did you do?

I went on having fun.

You had fun all the time?

All the time...

even during the night...

I dreamt I had fun.

For example, this very moment,

I'm having fun.

He's not Belmondo.

All right, Belmondo
always had a ...

but not to this point!

This guy is just a vegetable!

Now, my boy,

you enjoyed yourself a lot?

I had fun...

When you say "fun", then...

was it real "fun"
or simply "fun"?

- I had "fun"!
- Ah, well...

You've done right
because all this merriment,

I think it's over.

- I had fun...
- Yes...

Look, me too, when I think of it.

I used to laugh my head off.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

Not necessarily.

Not necessarily,

a guy who looks like an idiot...

isn't necessarily an idiot.

There are exceptions.

They're uncommon, one must say...

And like this?

Do you still have fun?

Well, no, things become very different.

I'll stop at once fooling around.

Good day, Gentlemen.

Congratulations.

It's an incredible job.

What can I do for you?
Tell me.

What's your problem?

I had fun...

- Yes, we know!
- Sometimes, with my chums,

we had so much fun
that we pissed everywhere!

For laughing!

Shut up this bloke,

- I can't take him any longer.
- Once, in Manaos...

You're going to shut up your mouth,
you madman!

Can't you see what's gonna happen
to both of us?

We have to find a gimmick!

They kill actors!

Why are you killing all the actors?

Why don't you care about actors?

Aren't you one of them?

Yes, finally.

That's why I don't care.

What do you do for a living?

Nothing.

I'm a stockholder.

My parents left me some money.

- I increased it.
- Then,

you could have given me
a small note to buy a bottle!

- Shut up.
- They say you're stingy.

Will you shut up,
for once in your life?

Don't you see
we have to fool them?!

We have to try and deceive them!

Don't listen to him, guys.

I know him,

he'll do anything for a role.

He'll get in front of his chums
so that we see it's him.

That's rubbish you're saying.

Is it?

It's mean,

unfair and altogether absurd.

Why?

This guy is too idiot,

he can't be Belmondo!

Belmondo is not such an idiot!

Listen to me, guys, listen!

I have to tell you
why I had fun.

I'm a good-humoured guy.

I was born and...

I'm gonna die good-humoured.

I never got pissed off
by my fears.

Anyway,
I was kind enough

not to share them.

I must tell you:

you're assholes.

Come on,

knock me down,

cut me to pieces.

Have you seen that,

a guy that dies having fun?

Go sit with the others

and not even a word!

Jacques...

Listen to me...

Let's think of our public.

Have you understood?

Have you seen what happened
to Marielle, a great actor?

Shall I kill another?

A Villeret, for example?

A Dussolier?

Isn't it fun,
to play the bad guy?

Now I have the good part!

I'm sick and tired of
playing society men!

Fuck them, society men.

I, too, can say "my balls"!

"My cock and my dick"!

"Fucked off"! "Son of a bitch"!

"Motherfucker"!

"Look, it's raining".

Why am I so tired?

I'm not an old actor!

I'm very much dangerous.

A jar of hot water.
Anyone interested?

And me, who's interested in me?

I'm not even playing a character!

And where this shit's director?

Where's that moron Blier?

He doesn't give a damn,
he's shooting another film.

Attention, everyone,
we're going to shoot.

- Hubert!
- Yes?

- Time for the rain?
- Yes, Bertrand. Ready.

Attention, send the rain!

Engine!

- Rolling!
- Announce!

31 First!

Action!

Anyway, I don't care
about this slut!

If she's dead or alive.

She's a slut, that's all.

Cut!

Bitch, a drop on my back!

Not a real bitch!

There's something I don't like

What?

Isn't that a bit misogynic?

You're much fun!
The word has a connotation.

Maybe less violence.

Are you sure?

That "slut" becomes
a love word.

I may try, if you want.

Anyway,I don't care
about this slut!

Cut!

Who's the idiot that forgot
to turn off his mobile?

I think it's me.

Then answer!

Yes...

Yes, but...

I'm shooting now.

It's my father.

My respects to him.

Hello, dad, yes?

He's with a friend who
wants to talk to tou.

Hello.

How are you doing, dad?

Yes...

Yes...

Yes, of course...

Not bad. I'm just...

shooting a film.

What? I cannot hear...

It's a film...

about actors.

Of course I think of you...

I think of you every day.

I'll even tell you a secret...

The more days pass,
the more I miss you.