Aaron Karo: The Rest Is History (2010) - full transcript
In his first one-hour stand-up special, funnyman Aaron Karo raises the comedy bar as he uncorks his witty observations on bridesmaids' speeches, tanked-up friends who always start fights and the perils of being a 30-year-old bachelor.
[hard rock riff]
[Pachelbel's Canon
In D Major]
[hard rock music]
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
AARON KARO!
[cheers and applause]
- JUST THE LADIES!
JUST THE LADIES!
JUST THE LADIES!
[cheers and applause]
JUST THE SINGLE LADIES!
JUST THE SINGLE LADIES!
[cheers and applause]
JUST THE MARRIED LADIES!
YOU'RE THE MARRIED LADIES!
[cheers and applause]
NONE OF YOU TALK TO ME
AFTER THE SHOW.
OKAY. KEEPING TRACK.
SO I'M SO PUMPED
TO BE HERE IN BOSTON!
[cheers and applause]
HOME OF MY ROWDIEST FANS
IN THE COUNTRY.
[cheers]
AND I WANT TO JUST START
BY SAYING ONE THING...
HOW 'BOUT THOSE YANKEES?
[cheers, applause,
and catcalls]
TOO SOON?
I'M JUST MESSING
WITH YOU, BOSTON. COME ON.
UH, IT'S BEEN A CRAZY YEAR.
I TURNED 30.
FUCK ME.
FUCKING 30, MAN.
SOME DAYS I'M, LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M 30.
LIFE'S PRETTY GOOD.
I'M PRETTY HAPPY."
AND OTHER DAYS I'M, LIKE,
"OH, GOD, I'M 30.
"I'VE DONE NOTHING
WITH MY LIFE.
I STILL USE MY COLLEGE ID
TO GET A DOLLAR OFF
FROM SUBWAY."
PLUS, ALL MY FUCKING FRIENDS
ARE GETTING MARRIED NOW.
SERIOUSLY, MY TYPICAL WEEK
IS FRIDAY: REHEARSAL DINNER,
SATURDAY: WEDDING,
SUNDAY: HANGOVER,
MONDAY: SHAME,
TUESDAY: UN-TAG PHOTOS.
[laughter]
REPEAT AS NECESSARY.
AND CAN I JUST SAY
THAT I DON'T THINK
THAT BRIDESMAIDS
SHOULD EVER BE ALLOWED
TO MAKE SPEECHES?
THEY'RE NEVER GOOD.
I HATE WHEN THEY TELL
"THE STORY"
OF HOW THE BRIDE
AND GROOM MET.
IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,
"I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
"TO CELEBRATE RACHEL
AND SCOTT.
"RACHEL AND SCOTT
MET IN THE PARK.
THEIR FIRST DATE WAS BOWLING
AND THE REST IS HISTORY."
BULLSHIT.
THERE'S NO WAY
THAT'S HOW THEY ACTUALLY MET.
"THE REST IS HISTORY."
COME ON!
I MAY HAVE HAD 12 BEERS
AND TRIED
TO KISS THE BRIDE'S MOM,
BUT I'M NOT AN IDIOT.
[laughter]
BUT WHENEVER I START
TO FEEL DOWN ABOUT BEING 30
OR ABOUT ALL MY FRIENDS
GETTING MARRIED,
THE ONE THING
THAT KEEPS ME GOING
IS LOGGING ONTO FACEBOOK
AND REALIZING THAT EVERYONE
I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH
WHO WAS COOLER THAN ME,
MORE POPULAR THAN ME,
OR BETTER LOOKING THAN ME
ARE NOW NONE OF THOSE THINGS.
[laughter]
HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN
THE MOST POPULAR KIDS
FROM YOUR HIGH SCHOOL
RECENTLY?
THEY LOOK FUCKING HORRIBLE.
AND IT'S AWESOME.
[cheers and applause]
AH. NOW, WHENEVER SOMEONE
SAYS TO ME
"I DON'T HAVE TO DRINK
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,"
MY RESPONSE IS ALWAYS
"WELL, I DO."
[laughter]
[scattered cheers]
I MEAN, YOU GUYS EVER GO OUT
WITH SOME OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS
IN THE ENTIRE WORLD--
PEOPLE WHO YOU'VE SHARED
SOME OF THE MOST IMPORTANT
MOMENTS OF YOUR LIFE WITH,
BUT THEY'RE DRINKING
AND YOU AREN'T?
IT'S NOT FUN AT ALL.
AND I TRY TO PRETEND
LIKE I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME.
BUT SECRETLY, I CAN'T WAIT
TO GET HOME,
PUT SWEAT PANTS ON,
AND JUST WATCH THE SHIT
OUT OF MY DVR.
MY WASTED BUDDIES
ALWAYS ROLL UP TO ME,
PUT THEIR ARM AROUND ME,
AND THEY YELL "KARO!
THIS IS GREATEST NIGHT EVER!"
AND I TRY MY BEST TO FIT IN.
BUT ALL I WANT TO DO
IS WATCH AN EPISODE OF "LOST,"
BEAT OFF, AND GO TO SLEEP.
[laughter]
I ALSO BELIEVE THAT BEING
WITH YOUR BUDDIES
WHEN THEY'RE FUCKED UP
AND YOU AREN'T
IS ACTUALLY
QUITE EYE-OPENING.
I LOOK AROUND AT MY BOYS,
LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE.
"THESE GUYS
ARE ALL DOUCHE BAGS.
GOOD THING I'M NOT LIKE THAT
WHEN I'M DRUNK."
OF COURSE, EVERYONE'S GOT
THAT ONE FRIEND
WHO EVERY NIGHT
GETS FUCKED UP,
GETS IN A GUY'S FACE
FOR NO REASON,
AND IS SO OUT OF LINE
THAT WHEN A FIGHT BREAKS OUT,
I TAKE THE OTHER DUDE'S SIDE.
AND WHEN THINGS CALM DOWN,
I END UP BEING CHOSEN
AS THE EMISSARY
WHO HAS TO GO OVER
TO THE OTHER GROUP OF GUYS
AND APOLOGIZE ON BEHALF
OF MY STUPID FUCKING FRIEND.
AND I'M, LIKE, "LISTEN, MAN,
I'M REALLY SORRY.
MY BUDDY'S WASTED.
HE'S BEING AN ASSHOLE."
AND THE GUY'S, LIKE,
"IT'S ALL GOOD, BRO.
NO WORRIES."
AND I ALWAYS HAVE
THE SAME THOUGHT:
THESE GUYS ARE COOLER
THAN MY FRIENDS!
[laughter]
AT LEAST THESE GUYS
ARE WITH CHICKS.
MY BUDDIES ARE OVER THERE
PLAYING "BUCK HUNTER"
AND JERKING EACH OTHER OFF.
I ALSO THINK THAT FLYING IN
TO VISIT YOUR BUDDIES
IN ANOTHER CITY,
BUT FLYING IN ON THURSDAY
INSTEAD OF FRIDAY,
YOU KNOW, SO YOU GET
THE LONG WEEKEND IN,
NEVER A GOOD IDEA.
BECAUSE EVERY TIME
I SPEND 72 HOURS DRINKING
WITH FRIENDS I HAVEN'T SEEN
IN A WHILE,
SOME SHIT GOES DOWN.
THE FIRST NIGHT YOU GET IN,
"WHAT'S UP, DUDE?
LONG TIME, NO SEE.
LET'S GET FUCKED UP."
IT'S AWESOME.
THE SECOND NIGHT,
IT'S FRIDAY.
IT'S THE WEEKEND.
"LET'S GET FUCKED UP."
IT'S AWESOME.
THE THIRD NIGHT,
I LOSE MY CELL PHONE.
MY FRIEND PUNCHES A SEVEN-FOOT
BOUNCER IN THE BALLS.
CHICKS ARE CRYING.
PEOPLE GET ARRESTED.
A SMALL FIRE BREAKS OUT.
SOMEONE GOES INTO LABOR.
[laughter]
AND I END UP VOMITING HALF
IN MY FRIEND'S TOILET
AND HALF ON THE SIDE
OF HIS BATHTUB.
IT'S ALWAYS IN THAT LITTLE SPACE
YOU CAN'T EVEN GET TO
TO CLEAN UP, RIGHT?
WHY DO THEY EVEN MAKE
THE SPACE
BETWEEN THE BATHTUB
AND THE TOILET LIKE THAT?
WHAT KIND OF CLEANING DEVICE
CAN GET VOMIT OUT OF A SPACE
LIKE THAT?
I USUALLY JUST, LIKE,
MOVE THE GARBAGE CAN
IN FRONT OF IT, LIKE,
"GOTTA CATCH A FLIGHT.
PEACE."
STILL BEING AT THE BAR
WHEN IT CLOSES,
BADGE OF HONOR.
BUT NOTHING
WILL MAKE YOU QUESTION
YOUR LIFE CHOICES MORE
THAN GETTING TO THE BAR
BEFORE IT EVEN OPENS.
I'M, LIKE, "LET ME IN!
IT'S 9:55!
A.M.!"
SOMETIMES I GET SO DRUNK
THAT WHEN I BRING THE SHIRT
THAT I WORE TO THE BAR
TO THE DRY CLEANER
AND THEY ASK ME
WHAT THE STAIN IS,
I CAN'T EVEN IDENTIFY IT.
I'M, LIKE, "OH, IT'S EITHER
VODKA CRANBERRY, OR BLOOD."
MY BUDDY CLAUDIO
ONCE GOT SO DRUNK
THAT HE SLEPT WITH A GIRL
AND THE NEXT DAY
SHE WAS GONE
AND HE COULDN'T REMEMBER
ANYTHING.
SO WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.
AND HE FINDS
THIS ONE FLIP-FLOP
THAT SHE MUST'VE SOMEHOW LEFT
UNDERNEATH HIS BED.
AND WE'RE STARING AT IT.
I'M, LIKE, "DUDE,
WHO LEAVES BEHIND ONE SHOE?
I THINK YOU MIGHT'VE FUCKED
CINDERELLA."
[laughter]
YOU EVER KNOW SO FAR
AHEAD OF TIME
HOW DRUNK YOU'RE GONNA GET...
[cheers and applause]
THAT YOU CALL IN SICK
FOR WORK THE NEXT DAY...
BEFORE YOU EVEN GO OUT?
YOU EVER GET TO A PARTY,
LIKE, TWO HOURS LATE,
EVERYONE'S ALREADY WASTED,
SO YOU TOTALLY PANIC,
OVERCOMPENSATE,
START LAPPING PEOPLE,
AND END UP GETTING
TWICE AS FUCKED UP
AS ANYONE ELSE?
EVER AGREE TO TAKE A SHOT
AND THEN IMMEDIATELY REGRET
NOT ASKING WHAT'S IN IT FIRST?
[laughter and applause]
MY BUDDY'S, LIKE, "YO, KARO,
YOU WANT TO TAKE A, UH,
A FLAMING BAY OF PIGS
INVASION?"
"FUCK, YEAH, DUDE.
WHATEVER. LINE 'EM UP."
NEXT THING YOU KNOW
THE BARTENDER PUTS GOGGLES ON.
HE'S BURNING SUGAR
ON A SPOON.
HE'S GOT SIX DIFFERENT-SIZED
GLASSES
LIKE A RUSSIAN NESTING DOLL.
SOMEONE BANGS A GONG.
A CROWD GATHERS.
THERE'S A PHOTOGRAPHER
FROM THE LOCAL PAPER THERE.
I'M, LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK
DID I GET MYSELF INTO?"
WHERE DID THAT GONG
COME FROM?
THE WORST THOUGH
IS WHEN I'M AT THE BAR
AND I TAKE THAT ONE EXTRA,
TOTALLY UNNECESSARY SHOT.
BECAUSE I END UP HAVING
TO GIVE MYSELF A PEP TALK.
MY INNER MONOLOGUE
IS LIKE THIS...
"THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.
[laughter]
"STARTING TO SALIVATE.
[laughter]
"DON'T PUKE.
[laughter]
"CHOKE IT BACK, KARO!
CHOKE IT BACK!
"OH, TRY NOT TO CRY.
"FUCK. WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?
"NO, KARO, IF YOU PUKE,
"YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO START
DRINKING ALL OVER AGAIN.
"YOU HAVE
SUCH A GREAT BASE GOING.
[labored breathing]
[cries]
"OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.
THINK IT PASSED.
OKAY. ONE MORE SHOT."
[laughter]
I ALWAYS FEEL AWKWARD
WHEN I'M HITTING ON A GIRL,
BUT SHE'S DRINKING WINE.
BECAUSE MOST WOMEN
HOLD THE GLASS PROPERLY
BY THE STEM.
MEANWHILE, I'M CLUTCHING A BEER
IN THE PALM OF MY HAND
LIKE I'M THE ANCHOR LEG
IN THE GREEK WEEK
INTER-FRATERNITY
BOAT RACE FINALS.
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO BE SUAVE
WHEN YOU'RE, LIKE, "YES,
THE SUBPRIME MORTGAGE CRISIS
"IS QUITE TROUBLING.
IS THAT CHARDONNAY?"
GOOSH!
THE HOTTER THE GIRL,
THE HAPPIER I AM TO FIND OUT
SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND
BECAUSE NOW I HAVE AN EXCUSE
TO TELL MY BUDDIES AT THE BAR
WHY I GOT SHOT DOWN.
I'M, LIKE, "I TRIED MY BEST,
BUT GOSH DARN IT,
"SHE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND.
"HIS NAME IS TODD.
"AND I'M NOT GONNA LIE, GUYS.
I THINK HE'S THE ONE."
[laughter]
SOMETIMES I'LL BE AT THE BAR
AND I'LL BE WATCHING
ONE OF MY BOYS HIT ON A CHICK.
BUT HE'S SO SLOPPY DRUNK
THAT I ACTUALLY FEEL BAD
FOR THE GIRL.
NO ONE LIKES TO GIVE
THEIR OWN FRIEND THE HOOK.
BUT SOMETIMES,
THEY HAVE TO BE, LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, DANNY,
TIME TO PACK IT IN, BRO.
"YOUR NIGHT'S OVER.
"NO. LET GO
OF THE NICE GIRL'S HAND.
"NO, LET GO OF HER DRESS.
"NO, DANNY, SHE DOESN'T WANT
YOUR NUMBER, DUDE.
"WHAT--BECAUSE SHE JUST SAID
"'I DON'T WANT YOUR CRAZY
FRIEND'S NUMBER.
"GET HIM AWAY FROM ME.'
"NO. DANNY, DON'T--
DON'T GIVE HER YOUR CELL PHONE.
"YOU'RE NOT HELPING.
"SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU
TO BUY HER A DRINK, MAN.
"NO. THAT'S NOT EVEN
A CREDIT CARD.
"THAT'S YOUR CVS CARD.
[laughter]
"THAT'S A--NO, THAT'S A COUPON
FOR A FREE CAR WASH.
"NO. NO. NO. NO.
"BUT YOU CAN GET A DOLLAR
OFF SUBWAY WITH THAT ONE.
"LISTEN, DANNY,
WILL YOU JUST LEAVE
"THIS POOR GIRL ALONE?
"DANNY,
LOOK AT HER FUCKING HAND.
"LOOK AT HER FINGER.
YOU SEE THAT?
"IT'S A WEDDING RING.
YOU'VE GOT NO SHOT.
"WHAT? NO, I--YES.
FIN--THAT'S A FAIR--
"I AGREE--LISTEN, I AGREE
THAT MARRIED PEOPLE
"SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED
IN BARS.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
BUT, DANNY, NO,
WE CAN'T KILL HER."
SO MY, UH,
SINGLE FEMALE FRIENDS
ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME
TO SET THEM UP.
BUT IT'S SUCH A PAIN
IN THE ASS.
LIKE, MY FRIEND JEN
RECENTLY ASKED ME TO SET HER UP
WITH ONE OF MY BUDDIES
WHO SHE THOUGHT WAS CUTE.
AND I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
I'LL SHOOT HIM AN EMAIL.
I'LL TALK YOU UP.
AND I'LL HAVE HIM FRIEND YOU."
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"OH, I DON'T HAVE FACEBOOK."
AND I WAS LIKE, "OOH,
I'M NOT SETTING YOU UP THEN."
SHE'S, LIKE, "WHY NOT?"
I'M, LIKE, "HOW'S HE SUPPOSED
TO STALK YOU FIRST
"IF YOU DON'T HAVE FACEBOOK?
"HE NEEDS TO SEE
SEVERAL PICTURES OF YOU
"FROM MULTIPLE ANGLES
"AND AT LEAST ONE PHOTO ALBUM
FROM HALLOWEEN
TO SEE HOW SLUTTY
YOU DRESSED."
[cheers and applause]
SHE'S, LIKE,
"WELL, I HAVE MYSPACE."
"THAT'S NOT GONNA CUT IT
UNLESS IT WAS 2006
OR YOU'RE FILIPINO."
AM I RIGHT?
THEN I WAS TALKING
TO MY FRIEND DEB
AND I WAS TELLING HER
ABOUT ONE OF MY BUDDIES
I THOUGHT SHE'D LIKE.
YOU KNOW, I EXPECT HER
TO ASK "WHAT DOES HE DO?"
SHE GOES "DOES HE HAVE
BLUE-GREEN EYES?"
I WAS LIKE, "I'VE KNOWN
THIS GUY FOR OVER 25 YEARS,
"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW
WHAT COLOR EYES HE HAS!
I JUST FOUND OUT
HIS REAL FIRST NAME LAST WEEK."
DEB ALSO READS HER HOROSCOPE
EVERY DAY.
SHE'S, LIKE, "HE'S A LEO.
I'M A SAGITTARIUS.
IT'S PERFECT."
NO GUY HAS EVER GOTTEN
A RANDOM BLOWJOB
AND THEN BEEN, LIKE, "OH, I
GUESS OUR MOONS WERE ALIGNED.
THOSE CAPRICORNS
SUCK A MIGHTY FINE DICK."
THE GIRLS HERE WHO READ
THEIR HOROSCOPES
ARE THINKING "MM-HMM,
THAT'S TRUE.
CAPRICORNS DO DO THAT."
[laughter]
SEE, I THINK THAT HOROSCOPES
ARE LIKE SPAM.
THEY'RE BOTH WRITTEN IN A WAY
TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE IT APPLIES TO YOU.
LIKE, YOU EVER READ
YOUR HOROSCOPE
AND YOU'RE, LIKE...
"YEAH.
I DO LIKE TO COMMUNICATE
WITH OTHERS"?
[laughter]
"THANKS, FORTUNE COOKIE."
I GET SPAM WITH THE SUBJECT
"FUCK GIRLS IN YOUR AREA."
PFFT. I GO TO DELETE IT.
BUT THEN I SEE
IT ALSO SAYS
"DO YOU SOMETIMES JERK OFF
WITH YOUR LEFT HAND
JUST TO SWITCH THINGS UP
A BIT?"
"YEAH.
"I DO DO THAT.
[laughter]
IT'S REAL--
IT'S A REAL WEB SITE.
SEE, I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND
THE POINT OF BEING SET UP.
TO ME, A FIRST DATE
IS SOMETHING I GO ON
AFTER I'VE ALREADY HOOKED UP
WITH A GIRL.
EITHER 'CAUSE I FEEL BAD
OR 'CAUSE I WANT
TO GET LAID,
BUT SHE ONLY BLEW ME
THE FIRST TIME.
SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A CHOICE ON EHARMONY.
[laughter]
PLUS WHEN YOU GO OUT
WITH A GIRL FOR THE FIRST TIME,
THAT'S NOT
WHAT SHE REALLY LOOKS LIKE.
FOR GUYS, WHAT YOU SEE
IS WHAT YOU GET.
YOU KNOW,
ALL I'VE GOT TONIGHT
IS SOME GEL IN MY HAIR,
SOME CHAPSTICK ON MY LIPS,
AND SOME BABY POWDER
ON MY BALLS,
BUT THAT'S IT.
[laughter]
BUT GIRLS ARE GETTING
A MANI AND A PEDI,
AND THEIR HAIR DONE,
AND MAKEUP,
THEY'RE TAPING
THEIR TITS TOGETHER.
IT'S FUCKING HUMAN PHOTOSHOP.
NOTHING FREAKS ME OUT MORE
THAN WHEN A GIRL
TAKES HER HEELS OFF MID-DATE
TO SHOW ME HOW TALL
SHE REALLY IS.
SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "OH, THESE
ARE JUST REALLY HIGH BOOTS."
[laughter]
[applause]
"OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE A LITTLE PERSON."
[laughter]
"WHAT WERE YOU WEARING,
STILTS?"
SO I REFUSE TO GET SET UP.
PLUS, I FOUND THAT FRIENDS
WHO KNOW YOU BEST,
ARE THE WORST
AT SETTING YOU UP.
PERFECT STRANGERS
ARE SO MUCH BETTER AT IT
BECAUSE THEY DON'T
OVERTHINK THINGS.
MY FRIENDS ARE, LIKE,
"OH, I DON'T KNOW IF KARO
WILL BE INTO THAT GIRL.
HE LIKES BRUNETTES."
YEAH, I PREFER BRUNETTES,
BUT I'LL BANG A BLONDE.
LET'S NOT GET PICKY.
MY GUY FRIENDS
ALSO DON'T GET VERY CREATIVE
WHEN THEY'RE THINKING
ABOUT GIRLS TO SET ME UP WITH.
MY BUDDY SCOTT
RECENTLY CALLED ME.
HE'S, LIKE, "KARO, MAN,
"YOU WANT ME TO INTRODUCE ME
TO THIS CHICK, MICHELLE?
SHE'S REAL CUTE."
I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, SURE,
HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?"
"FUCKED HER."
[laughter]
THAT'S NOT REALLY THINKING
OUTSIDE THE BOX.
LITERALLY.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
AND THE THING IS THAT DIDN'T
EVEN REALLY DETER ME.
I WAS LIKE...
"HOW LONG AGO
DID YOU FUCK HER?
"WAS IT RAW DOG?
[audience moans]
NO? MAKE THE CALL."
MY, UH...
[chuckles]
MY OTHER BUDDY JEFF
RECENTLY STARTED HOOKING UP
WITH THIS NEW GIRL.
AND FIRST OF ALL,
HER NAME IS "BRENDA BROWN."
I DON'T KNOW, I JUST FEEL LIKE
IT'S THE STUPIDEST NAME EVER.
[laughter]
BUT I GO TO HIM,
I'M LIKE, "DOES SHE HAVE
ANY FRIENDS?"
AND HE'S, LIKE, "YEAH,
ACTUALLY, I MET THIS GUY
SHE WENT TO COLLEGE WITH."
I WAS LIKE, "WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA.
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT HER ACTUAL FRIENDS.
I MEAN,
DOES SHE KNOW SLUTS?"
LISTEN, JEFF,
I'M REALLY HAPPY
THAT BRENDA'S GIVING YOU
BLOWJOBS ON THE REGULAR,
BUT WHAT CAN BROWN DO
FOR ME?
[laughter]
[applause]
AND I HATE WHEN GIRLS TRY
TO SET ME UP.
BECAUSE HOW LONG A GIRL
STRESSES THE WORD "SO"
WHEN DESCRIBING HOW CUTE
HER FRIEND IS
IS INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL
TO HOW CUTE HER FRIEND
ACTUALLY IS.
IF A GIRL'S, LIKE, "YOU HAVE
TO MEET MY FRIEND JESSICA.
SHE'S SOOOOOO CUTE,"
THAT CHICK IS BUSTED!
[laughter]
PRETTY SURE I JUST BLEW
MY SHOULDER OUT.
[laughter]
WHEN I WAS 20,
GET WASTED, FALL DOWN
A FLIGHT OF STAIRS,
POP UP
LIKE A CARTOON CHARACTER.
NOW I'M, LIKE, "OY, I PUT
TOO MUCH CHUTZPAH
ON THAT LAST JOKE."
OH, FUCK.
BUT I REALLY HATE THE FACT
THAT HOW LONG
YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP
IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL
TO HOW FAR IN ADVANCE
YOU MAKE PLANS.
YOU EVER TRY TO MAKE PLANS
WITH ONE
OF YOUR MARRIED FRIENDS?
I'M, LIKE, "YO, DUDE,
DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER,
WATCH THE GAME?"
"OOH, I CAN'T. BUT HOW ABOUT
SIX WEEKS FROM TUESDAY?"
MY PARENTS HAVE A CALENDAR
IN THEIR KITCHEN
THAT'S BOOKED THROUGH 2012.
LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS?
[laughter]
AND THE THING IS,
COUPLES NEVER EVEN MAKE
INTERESTING PLANS.
IF I MAKE PLANS
SIX MONTHS IN ADVANCE,
IT'S 'CAUSE I'M GOING
TO BARBADOS.
MY MARRIED FRIENDS MAKE PLANS
SIX MONTHS IN ADVANCE
BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING
TO BRUNCH.
SINGLE PEOPLE
AND PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS
SHOULD ALSO NEVER GO AWAY
ON VACATION TOGETHER.
[cheers and applause]
OUR INCENTIVES
ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP
AND YOU GO
TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY,
YOU WANT TO EXPLORE,
IMMERSE YOURSELF
IN THE CULTURE,
EAT INTERESTING FOOD,
WALK ALONG THE WATER.
WHEN I GO
TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY,
I WANT TO SPEND SEVEN MINUTES
AT EACH OF THE FIVE
MOST FAMOUS LANDMARKS,
TAKE THREE PICTURES,
AND THEN GO FIND
STRANGE PUSSY.
[cheers and applause]
OUR ITINERARIES
WILL NEVER CROSS.
WHEN PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS
GO ON VACATION,
THEY ALWAYS CHECK TO MAKE SURE
THERE'S A GYM IN HOTEL.
WHEN I GO AWAY,
THE ONLY THING I EAT IS BACON.
[laughter]
I WILL ONLY MOVE
AS FAR AS MY INFLATABLE RAFT
WITH BUILT-IN CUP HOLDERS
WILL FLOAT.
"DO I WANT TO GET SOMETHING
TO EAT?
"WELL, THAT DEPENDS.
"CAN IT BE DELIVERED
DIRECTLY INTO MY MOUTH
WHILE I REMAIN
IN THE DEAD MAN'S POSITION?"
I LOVE WHEN I GO AWAY
AND THE WAITER'S, LIKE,
"WELL, THAT COMES WITH A CHOICE
OF SALAD FOR FRIES."
[laughter]
I'M NOT WEARING SHOES.
I'M NOT WEARING A SHIRT.
I'M DRINKING A BEER.
IT'S 10:15 AM.
FRY ME.
WHEN PEOPLE ON RELATIONSHIPS
GO ON VACATION,
THEY ALWAYS BRING
A LITTLE WORK WITH THEM.
WHY ARE YOU SUCH
A FUCKING BUZZKILL?
EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
TO GET ANY WORK DONE
WHEN YOU GO AWAY.
YOU BRING THAT REPORT
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO READ.
BUT YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING
WITH IT EXCEPT TRANSFER IT
TO A SERIES OF SMALLER BAGS.
IT GOES FROM YOUR SUITCASE
TO YOUR BEACH BAG
TO YOUR BACKPACK
AND THEN DIRECTLY BACK
INTO YOUR BRIEFCASE
TO TAKE TO WORK ON MONDAY.
EXCEPT NOW IT SMELLS
LIKE SUNTAN LOTION AND SORROW.
[laughter]
WHEN PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS
GO ON VACATION,
THEY ALWAYS TAKE
THAT ONE PICTURE
TAKEN FROM THEIR POINT OF VIEW,
SITTING IN A BEACH CHAIR,
LOOKING DOWN PAST THEIR FEET
AT THE OCEAN.
NEWSFLASH: NO ONE WANTS
TO SEE A PICTURE
OF YOUR FUCKING FEET!
WHEN I GO AWAY,
I WILL ONLY SHOW YOU PICTURES
OF SOME CHICK'S TITS,
SOME DUDE PUKING, OR A DONKEY.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
HOPEFULLY ALL IN ONE SHOT.
[laughter]
I HAVE BEEN ALL AROUND THE WORLD
WITH MY SINGLE FRIENDS.
THE CHICKS IN BUENOS AIRES
ARE GORGEOUS, BUT DEVIOUS.
I'D BE, LIKE, ESTA SOLTERA?
"ARE YOU SINGLE?"
AND SHE'D BE, LIKE,
SI, SI, SOLTERA.
"YES, YES, I'M SINGLE."
AND LATER,
I TRY TO TAKE HER HOME.
VAMANOS. "LET'S GO."
[laughter]
THAT'S JUST HOW YOU SAY
"LET'S GO."
[laughter]
AND SHE WAS LIKE, NO,
WHICH MEANS "NO."
[laughter]
AND I WAS LIKE,
POR QUE? "WHY?"
AND SHE'S LIKE, TENGO UN NOVIO.
"I HAVE A BOYFRIEND."
I'M, LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK!
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED
TO SOLTERA?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOLTERA."
IT TURNS OUT
THAT IN ARGENTINA,
"SINGLE" MEANS "UNMARRIED."
SO YOU CAN BE SINGLE
BUT STILL HAVE A BOYFRIEND,
WHICH SUCKS FOR ME.
I GO TO MY BUDDIES,
"I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE
"I JUST BOUGHT A BOTTLE
OF CHAMPAGNE
"FOR A CHICK
WITH A FUCKING BOYFRIEND.
"I'M SO FUCKING PISSED.
THAT COST ME...$6."
[laughter]
THE CHICKS IN SYDNEY
ARE INCREDIBLE.
- WHOO!
- BUT THE--THANKS, MAN.
[laughter]
CHICK FROM SYDNEY
UP THERE IN THE BALCONY.
THE CHICKS IN SYDNEY
ARE INCREDIBLE.
BUT THE PEOPLE IN AUSTRALIA
ARE WAY TOO NICE.
YOU CAN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM
IN A BAR IN SYDNEY
'CAUSE EVERY GUY'S LIKE,
"YOU FIRST, MATE.
NO, YOU FIRST, MATE.
NO, YOU FIRST, MATE."
"SOMEONE FUCKING GO
OR I'M GONNA PISS MYSELF!"
[laughter]
SO I'LL BE TALKING
TO THE HOTTEST,
NICEST CHICK EVER.
AND I'LL BE, LIKE,
"SO, DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?"
AND SHE'S, LIKE,
"OH, ACTUALLY, I DO.
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU."
"NO, NO. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
AAH."
AND THE WORST PART
WAS THAT I DID LOVE HIM.
[laughter]
SO NICE.
AND SO TAN.
90% OF THE CHICKS IN TOKYO
ARE THIN,
HAVE PERFECT SKIN,
DRESS WELL, AND ARE HOT.
AND I LEARNED
A LITTLE JAPANESE.
SO IF I SAW A CUTE CHICK
IN A BAR,
I ROLL UP TO HER AND SAY
[clears throat]
[speaks Japanese]
WHICH TRANSLATES ROUGHLY TO...
'SUP?
[laughter]
SERIOUSLY.
[laughter]
THE PROBLEM IS NOT ONLY
ARE JAPANESE WOMEN
NOT INTO ONE-NIGHT STANDS,
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT IT IS.
IT'S JUST NOT A PART
OF THEIR CULTURE.
BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS.
SO IF I DID MEET A GIRL
WHO SPOKE A LITTLE ENGLISH,
I'D BE, LIKE, "WHY DON'T WE GO
BACK TO MY HOTEL?"
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"WELL, I HAVE MY OWN PLACE."
"ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WE CAN GO TO YOUR PLACE."
SHE WAS LIKE, "WELL, WHY WOULD
YOU COME WITH ME?"
"WELL..."
[laughter]
"BE..."
"'CAUSE, YOU KNOW..."
BUT SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT I WANTED.
AND HOW DO YOU SAY
"ONE-NIGHT STAND" IN CHARADES?
I WAS LIKE, UM...
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
SHE GOT IT.
[laughter]
BACK IN NEW YORK,
UH, ONE OF MY BUDDIES
HAS BEEN HOOKING UP
WITH HIS COWORKER.
BUT THEIR COMPANY ACTUALLY
HAS A VERY STRICT POLICY
ABOUT DOCUMENTING
INTERNAL RELATIONSHIPS.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
MY BUDDY ROLLS
INTO HIS BOSS' OFFICE.
AND IS LIKE, "HEY,
YOU KNOW KATE FROM SALES?
I'M BANGING HER."
AND HIS BOSS WAS LIKE,
"NICE."
[laughter]
'CAUSE GUYS WILL ALWAYS AVOID
DEFINING THEIR RELATIONSHIPS
BECAUSE THERE ARE CERTAIN
BOYFRIEND DUTIES
WE ARE JUST NOT DOWN WITH.
KILLING SPIDERS, UM, NO.
I'M FUCKING TERRIFIED
OF SPIDERS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'LL BE IN THE NEXT ROOM
SCREAMING LIKE A GIRL.
[laughter]
IN FACT,
WHEN THERE ARE NO WOMEN AROUND,
MY PREFERRED METHOD
FOR KILLING SPIDERS
IS THROWING THINGS AT THEM
FROM A SAFE DISTANCE.
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS
TO KILL A SPIDER
FROM TEN FEET AWAY
WITH A TISSUE BOX?
THE WORST IS CHECKING TO SEE
IF YOU GOT IT.
NOTHING IS MORE TERRIFYING
THAN VERIFYING PROOF OF LIFE
ON A SPIDER.
YOU TIPTOE UP TO IT
LIKE IT'S GONNA HEAR YOU.
"FUCKING COCKSUCKER.
"SPIDER BASTARD.
"HOLY SHIT, IT MOVED!
HOLY FUCK!
"WHAT THE--HOLY SHIT.
OH, MY GOD.
"I THINK IT'S A PIECE OF LINT.
IT MIGHT BE A PIECE OF LINT.
"JUST IN CASE, I'M JUST NEVER
GOING TO GO INTO THAT PART
"OF THE APARTMENT AGAIN.
SEAL IT OFF."
WHAT ELSE
DO GIRLFRIENDS ASK ME?
"COULD YOU PICK UP
SOME TAMPONS?"
"UGH, CAN'T YOU JUST ORDER THEM
ONLINE?"
[laughter]
I HAD THIS ONE GIRLFRIEND
WHO WAS OBSESSED
WITH SELLING THINGS
ON CRAIGSLIST.
THE THING WAS,
SHE'D GO TO WORK
AND THEN MAKE ME WAIT
AT HER PLACE
FOR THE GUY WHO BOUGHT THE STUFF
TO COME OVER AND PICK IT UP.
SHE'D BE LIKE,
"I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE
WITH SOME RANDOM STRANGER."
I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE
WITH SOME RANDOM STRANGER!
WHY IS MY LIFE WORTH ANY LESS
THAN YOURS?
BELIEVE ME, THAT DUDE TRIES
TO KILL ME,
I'M JUST GIVE HIM
YOUR CD RACK.
FUCK THAT.
[laughter]
THIS OTHER GIRL I DATED,
IF I DIDN'T PROACTIVELY END
THE CONVERSATION,
SHE WOULD NEVER GET OFF
THE PHONE WITH ME.
IT WAS UP TO HER, SHE'D JUST
TAKE ME ALONG WITH HER ALL DAY
LIKE SOME SORT OF AUDIO-ONLY
REALITY SHOW.
[laughter]
AND YELLING AT A GIRL
JUST NEVER GETS ANYTHING
ACCOMPLISHED.
IT'S SO MUCH MORE EFFICIENT
TO FIGHT VIA TEXT MESSAGE.
YOU'RE FORCED TO COOL DOWN
A LITTLE BIT.
YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE YOUR WORDS
CAREFULLY
SO THAT YOUR ARGUMENT
DOESN'T GET CUT OFF.
AND I CAN'T HELP BUT LAUGH
WHEN A GIRL WRITES ME
"KARO, GO DUCK YOURSELF."
[laughter]
YOU CAN EXPLAIN
TO THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU.
IT'S OKAY.
[laughter]
NOW WE GOT IT.
BUT, UH, YOU KNOW,
LIKE I SAID,
I AM 30 NOW
SO I'VE REALIZED I DO NEED
TO START TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
FOR MY ACTIONS,
WHICH INCLUDES PRACTICING
SAFE SEX.
- WHOO.
- UH, YEAH. UM...
[laughter]
THIS ONE GIRL I'VE
BEEN HOOKING UP WITH
HAS BEEN OUT OF TOWN A LOT,
SO WE'VE ACTUALLY BEEN
EXPERIMENTING WITH PHONE SEX.
BUT IT'S KIND
OF GOTTEN ME CONFUSED
'CAUSE SHE CALLS ME UP, LIKE,
[whispers] "KARO...
I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME
RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW."
AND I'M LIKE,
"OKAY--UH--
"[whispers] OKAY.
"UH, I'M KISSING YOUR NECK.
"I'M STROKING THE INSIDE
OF YOUR THIGH.
"AND NOW I'M RUNNING
ACROSS THE STREET
TO BUY CONDOMS
AT THE GAS STATION."
[laughter]
I NEVER KNOW HOW REALISTIC
I'M SUPPOSED TO GET.
[laughter]
PHONE SEX ON A CELL PHONE
IS THE WORST.
I'M, LIKE,
[whispers] "OH, YEAH.
"DOES THAT FEEL GOOD?
"HELLO?
"[normal voice] HELLO?
FUCK."
CALL HER BACK.
"HEY, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
"NO, I HAVE, LIKE,
FOUR BARS.
"NO, IT'S DEFINITELY
NOT MY PHONE.
"NO. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING
YOU HEARD ME SAY?
"'I LOVE YOUR ASS'?
"THAT WAS, LIKE,
FIVE MINUTES AGO.
"SO BASICALLY I'VE BEEN
TALKING DIRTY TO MYSELF
AND MASTURBATING."
[laughter]
AND WHEN THINGS GET, LIKE,
REALLY INTENSE ON THE PHONE--
YOU GUYS ALL RIGHT?
JESUS. HOW MUCH PHONE SEX
DO YOU GUYS HAVE?
[laughter]
BUT, UH, SOMETIMES WHEN THINGS
GET REALLY INTENSE ON THE PHONE,
I FIND MYSELF HAVING TROUBLE--
DO THE PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE
HAVE TO PISS
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOW?
THERE SHOULD BE SOME SORT
OF THING.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.
LIKE, LET'S PICK THE PEOPLE
WITH THE SMALLEST BLADDER,
AND THEN SIT THEM DEAD CENTER
IN FRONT OF ALL FIVE CAMERAS
AND MY EYELINE.
IT WORKS. BOO.
[cheers and applause]
[sighs]
IT'S ALWAYS THE COUPLES.
DON'T THEY JUST FUCK UP
YOUR WHOLE LIFE SOMETIMES?
[cheers and applause]
THEY'RE IN THE WAY.
IN THE STREET. IN LINE.
YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THEM TALK
ON THE TRAIN
AND WHINE--
THEY'RE ALWAYS CRYING.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO ORDER.
THEY'RE SLOW.
THEY'VE NEVER BEEN
ON AN AIRPLANE BEFORE.
SHE'S WEARING UGGS
ALL THE TIME.
[laughter]
SHE DOESN'T TELL HIM
THAT A POPPED COLLAR
IS DOUCHE BAGGY.
[laughter]
HA HA HA.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
SO THEN
WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?
OH, THE PHONE SEX.
THOSE HORNDOGS OVER THERE.
RIGHT.
SOMETIMES WHEN THINGS
GET REALLY INTENSE ON THE PHONE,
I FIND MYSELF KIND OF UNABLE
TO KEEP THINGS STRAIGHT
IN MY HEAD.
LIKE, I'LL BE, LIKE,
"[whispers] OH, YEAH.
"YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT?
YEAH? FEEL GOOD? YEAH?
"YEAH, I WANT YOUR COCK
IN MY PUSSY.
"[normal voice]
WAIT, WAIT.
[laughter]
"FUCK. SHIT.
"DAMN IT.
FUCK."
NOW, GUYS,
GUYS, I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH
HOW IMPORTANT IT IS
FOR YOU TO MAKE SURE
THAT EVERY SINGLE TIME
YOU SLEEP WITH A WOMAN,
SHE HAS AN ORGASM, ALL RIGHT?
[cheers and applause]
[man boos]
[laughter]
BECAUSE FUCKING CHICKS
IS A REFERRAL BUSINESS.
[laughter]
YOU MAKE A GIRL COME.
SHE TELLS TEN FRIENDS.
THAT'S EXCELLENT
WORD OF MOUTH.
[laughter]
NOW, LADIES,
IF YOU'RE THE TYPE OF GIRL
WHO HAS A VERY SUBTLE ORGASM,
WHO DOESN'T REALLY YELL
AND SCREAM,
IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY--
NAY, YOUR SOLEMN DUTY--
TO TELL THE GUY
HE JUST MADE YOU COME.
OTHERWISE, HOW THE HELL
ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
WHAT, AM I THE FUCKING
PUSSY WHISPERER?
[laughter]
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING
ABOUT HOW YOU WANT TO HAVE
A SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM.
CAN I PLEASE JUST HAVE
MY OWN ORGASM?
YOU GET A WHOLE BUNCH.
I ONLY GET ONE AT THE END.
IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'D LIKE TO ENJOY MINE
WITHOUT WORRYING
ABOUT GETTING YOU OFF
AT THE EXACT SAME TIME.
YOU SEE,
GUYS GIVE GIRLS ORGASMS.
IT'S A MANUAL PROCEDURE.
MEDIUM THRUST. CHECK.
PLAY WITH HER CLIT. CHECK.
TEASE HER ASSHOLE. CHECK.
AND WE HAVE LIFT-OFF.
BUT GIRLS DON'T GIVE GUYS
ORGASMS.
THE MALE ORGASM IS LIKE FLYING
ON AUTOPILOT.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO,
I'M GOING TO GET
WHERE I'M GOING EVENTUALLY.
[laughter]
[scattered cheers
and applause]
THANK YOU.
I'VE FAKED AN ORGASM.
SURE. GUYS CAN DO IT.
IF I'M, LIKE, REALLY WASTED,
I JUST WANT
TO CUT MY LOSSES...
[laughter]
[scattered cheers
and applause]
ALL I DO IS THROW IN A GRUNT...
UGH...
AND ROLL CLEAR.
WORKS LIKE A CHARM.
I RECENTLY HOOKED UP
WITH THIS GIRL WHO'S 22.
UH...
[cheers]
BUT SINCE I'M 30,
I HAVE BEEN HAVING
SOME RESERVATIONS
ABOUT HER AGE.
I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE, I FEEL LIKE SHE MAY BE
TOO OLD FOR ME.
[laughter]
I GO TO THIS GIRL.
I'M, LIKE, "OH, YOU GOT TO MEET
MY BEST FRIEND CLAUDIO.
"I'VE KNOWN HIM SINCE
BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
"OH, MY GOD.
I'M NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING.
I'M SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW."
I WAS LIKE,
"WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,
FACEBOOK WAS A BOOK."
[laughter]
THE WEIRD THING THOUGH
IS THAT THE PAST FEW GIRLS
I'VE FUCKED HAVE ALL BEEN
PRETTY SIMILAR,
THEY'RE JUST GETTING
PROGRESSIVELY YOUNGER.
LIKE, FIRST, I HOOKED UP
WITH A SMART, CUTE BRUNETTE
WHO WAS MY AGE.
THEN I HOOKED UP
WITH A SMART, CUTE BRUNETTE
WHO'S FOUR YEARS YOUNGER.
NOW I'M HOOKING UP
WITH A SMART, CUTE BRUNETTE
WHO'S EIGHT YEARS YOUNGER.
IT'S LIKE BANGING
BENJAMIN BUTTON.
[laughter]
NO WHAT MATTER HER AGE THOUGH,
WHEN I GO HOME WITH A GIRL,
THERE IS ONE SITUATION
WHICH IS AN ABSOLUTE,
WORST-CASE SCENARIO
AND THAT
IS IF SHE HAS A PET.
NOT BECAUSE I'M ALLERGIC.
BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE
ALL ANIMALS.
[cheers]
I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T CARE
IF IT'S A DOG OR A CAT
OR A BIRD OR A GERBIL,
GET IT OUT
OF MY FUCKING FACE!
IT'S NOT NORMAL
FOR PEOPLE TO HAVE ANIMALS
RUNNING AROUND THEIR HOUSE!
IT SMELLS AND IT'S GROSS!
AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
WHAT YOU NAMED THEM AFTER!
AND I'M SORRY I CALLED IT
A HE WHEN IT'S A SHE
OR A SHE WHEN IT'S A HE!
AND, NO, A CAT ISN'T
THE CLEANEST ANIMAL THERE IS!
IT SHITS IN A FUCKING BOX
IN THE KITCHEN!
GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
[cheers and applause]
I HATE ANIMALS!
I CAN BARELY STAND HUMANS.
HALF THE CROWD HATES ME NOW,
BUT THE OTHER HALF
THINKS I'M A HERO.
[cheers and applause]
THE TRUTH IS THOUGH
A LOT OF MY FRIENDS
WHO ARE MARRIED ACTUALLY MET
THEIR HUSBANDS OR WIVES
IN WHAT BEGAN
AS A ONE-NIGHT STAND
AND THEN JUST BLOSSOMED
INTO A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.
THEREFORE IT'S REASONABLE
TO ASSUME
THAT THAT'S HOW I'LL MEET
MY FUTURE WIFE AS WELL.
[laughter]
SO I FIGURE THE NEXT TIME
I TRY TO TAKE A GIRL HOME
FROM THE BAR AND SHE OBJECTS
ASKING "WHAT KIND OF GIRL
DO YOU THINK I AM?"
I CAN RESPOND "WELL, I GUESS
NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL."
[laughter]
THE BEST WAY TO SUM UP
BEING SINGLE AND 30 IS THIS:
GIRLS ARE DESPERATE FOR GUYS
TO GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE,
BUT GUYS ARE STILL DESPERATE
FOR GIRLS
TO GET DOWN ON BOTH KNEES.
[cheers and applause]
I HAVE SOME BUDDIES
WHO'VE BEEN DATING
THEIR GIRLFRIENDS,
LIKE, FOREVER.
BUT THEY REFUSE TO GET ENGAGED
BECAUSE THEY'RE CONVINCED
THEY CAN STILL DO BETTER.
MY BUDDY'S, LIKE, "LISTEN,
LINDSEY'S GREAT.
I JUST WISH I MET HER
FIVE YEARS FROM NOW."
I'M, LIKE, "DUDE, IN CASE
YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,
"YOU PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL.
"YOU'RE LUCKY
LINDSEY WILL STILL HAVE YOU.
"YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
"IN FACT, IF I WERE YOU,
I'D BE QUESTIONING
"WHY YOU'RE EVEN DATING A GIRL
WHO WOULD FUCK SOMEONE
WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU."
[laughter]
NOW, MY ENGAGED FRIENDS KNOW
THAT IF THEY INVITE ME
TO THEIR WEDDING,
I CONSIDER IT
A SERIOUS HONOR.
I WILL PURCHASE
A PLANE TICKET.
I WILL GET MY TUX DRY-CLEANED.
I WILL SHOW UP ON TIME
AND PROCEED
TO GET FUCKING WASTED!
[cheers and applause]
BECAUSE I'M CELEBRATING
THE FACT
THAT I'M NOT GETTING
FUCKING MARRIED.
[cheers and applause]
FIRST OF ALL, I WISH THE LITTLE
PROGRAM THAT YOU GET
WHEN YOU ARRIVED
AT THE CEREMONY
INCLUDED NOT ONLY
THE BRIDESMAIDS' NAMES
BUT ALSO
THEIR RELATIONSHIP STATUS,
WEAKNESSES,
AND SEXUAL PROCLIVITIES.
[cheers and applause]
IT WOULD BE SOMETHING LIKE
"MELINDA KNOWS THE BRIDE
FROM CAMP.
"IS 31. RECENTLY SINGLE.
"AND IF SHE HAS MORE THAN FOUR
GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE,
WILL TOUCH YOUR DICK
BY THE MAIN COURSE."
[laughter]
"HELLO, MELINDA."
AND, LISTEN, ENGAGED PEOPLE,
DO ME A FAVOR,
IF YOU'RE GONNA SIT ME
AT THE SINGLES TABLE,
MAKE SURE THERE AREN'T ANY
FUCKING COUPLES SITTING THERE!
THIS IS MY TABLE!
LAST WEDDING I WENT TO,
I WAS SITTING
WITH FOUR COUPLES
AND THE GROOM'S
PERSONAL TRAINER.
[laughter]
IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT
THAT I REALIZED
I WAS THE SECOND-TO-LAST PERSON
INVITED TO THAT WEDDING.
[laughter]
THE FINAL CUTS WERE ME
AND THEN THE PERSONAL TRAINER.
PLUS THE GROOM
WAS FAT AS SHIT.
WHY ARE YOU INVITING
YOUR TRAINER IF HE SUCKS?
[laughter]
NOW, WEDDINGS ARE,
OF COURSE,
AN APPROXIMATELY FIVE-HOUR
OPEN BAR.
IT'S A FUCKING BLOODBATH.
NOW, PERSONALLY,
I AM PROUD OF THE FACT
THAT I HAVE NEVER ONCE
BEEN SOBER ENOUGH
TO WITNESS THE CUTTING,
SERVING, OR CONSUMING
OF THE WEDDING CAKE.
[applause]
EVERY SINGLE WEDDING
I'VE EVER BEEN TO, I'M, LIKE...
"WHERE THE FUCK
DID YOU GET THAT CAKE?
[laughter]
[groans]
"YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT,
PERSONAL TRAINER?
YOU LIKE THOSE CARBS?
AGH AGH AGH."
SOMETIMES I'LL GO TO ONE
OF MY BOYS' WEDDINGS
AND THEN AFTERWARDS
GET A THANK YOU NOTE
THAT'S OBVIOUSLY WRITTEN
BY THE WIFE
WHO I'M NOT
REALLY FRIENDS WITH.
AND IT'S ALWAYS WRITTEN
IN THAT REALLY NEAT,
GIRLY HANDWRITING
THAT BARELY CONCEALS THE FACT
THAT SHE FUCKING HATES ME.
[laughter]
IT'S, LIKE, "DEAR KARO,
"THANK YOU FOR BEING A PART
OF OUR WEDDING
AND NOT VOMITING
UNTIL AFTER THE CEREMONY."
[laughter]
"YOU'RE WELCOME."
[laughter]
"WE REALLY APPRECIATE
THE SHOT GLASSES YOU GOT US
AS WELL AS THREE OF THE FOUR
NAPKIN RINGS WE REGISTERED FOR."
[laughter]
FUCK IT.
"ALSO, THANK YOU FOR ORGANIZING
THE BACHELOR PARTY FOR JOHN.
"BY THE WAY, HE ADMITTED TO ME
THAT YOU PAID
FOR A STRIPPER TO BLOW HIM."
[scattered applause
and laughter]
"WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?"
[laughter]
"ALSO,
WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE,
"PLEASE PICK UP
YOUR TUX PANTS,
"WHICH FOR SOME REASON
THE CATERER FOUND
"IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM.
[laughter]
PS, MELINDA SAYS HI."
[laughter]
NOW, I'M ACTUALLY NOT THAT BIG
INTO STRIP CLUBS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
A BACHELOR PARTY TRADITION
SO I'LL GO.
I'LL LOOK AT TITTIES.
BUT I WON'T LIKE IT.
I'LL TOUCH THE TITTIES.
IT'S LIKE A PETTING ZOO.
AND I LOVE HOW SOME WOMEN
THINK THEIR FIANCE
ISN'T GOING TO A STRIP CLUB
FOR HIS BACHELOR PARTY.
THIS ONE GIRL TOLD ME
"OH, HE'S NOT INTO THAT KIND
OF THING.
HE'S GOING CAMPING INSTEAD."
[laughter]
HONEY, WHEN YOUR FIANCE
TELLS YOU
HE'S GOING AWAY
WITH HIS TEN BEST FRIENDS
FOR THREE DAYS WITHOUT CELL
OR INTERNET SERVICE,
HE'S GOING TO A WHORE HOUSE.
[laughter]
AND I FEEL LIKE MY FRIENDS'
WIVES ARE ALWAYS NERVOUS
THAT THEIR HUSBANDS ARE GOING
TO A BACHELOR PARTY
AND I'M GONNA BE THERE.
LADIES,
I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU,
AT EVERY BACHELOR PARTY,
THERE ARE TWO FACTIONS
THE SINGLE GUYS
AND THE MARRIED GUYS.
YOU KNOW WHICH ONES
ARE CRAZIER?
THE MARRIED GUYS.
A MARRIED GUY
AT A BACHELOR PARTY
IS LIKE A RABID TASMANIAN DEVIL
ON METHAMPHETAMINES
LACED WITH CIALIS.
"OH, MY GOD.
FUCKING TITS AND LAP DANCES.
"I'M SO FUCKED UP.
IT'S 7:00 IN THE MORNING.
KARO, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?"
I'M, LIKE, "DUDE, THIS IS
WHAT MY LIFE IS NORMALLY LIKE."
[laughter]
IN FACT,
AT MOST BACHELOR PARTIES
I'VE BEEN TO,
IT'S ALWAYS THE MARRIED GUY
WHO, LIKE, RESEARCHES
THE STRIP CLUB AHEAD OF TIME.
AND THEN SHOWS UP IN ADIDAS
WARM-UP PANTS.
NO UNDERWEAR.
[ohs and laughter]
I SEE SOME OF YOU
ARE UNFAMILIAR.
IT'S A GREAT MOVE.
IT'S PRACTICALLY PENETRATION.
SOME OF THE DUDES
ARE LIKE, "I KNOW THAT GUY."
[laughter]
SOME OF THE DUDES ARE LIKE,
"I AM THAT GUY."
[laughter]
AND THE REST OF YOU ARE LIKE,
"THAT'S THE SINGLE GREATEST IDEA
I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE."
[laughter]
[scattered cheers
and applause]
BUT, UH, I AM FRIENDS
WITH THIS ONE COUPLE.
THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED
FOR A YEAR,
BUT THEY STILL USE CONDOMS
BECAUSE SHE'S ALLERGIC
TO BIRTH CONTROL.
THE PILL JUST DOESN'T AGREE
WITH HER.
FIRST OF ALL,
WORST ALLERGY EVER.
THAT'S LIKE BEING ALLERGIC
TO FUN.
[laughter]
AND MY FRIEND'S ALWAYS LIKE
"OH, MY HUSBAND'S
SUCH A TROOPER."
I'M, LIKE, "I DON'T THINK
YOU UNDERSTAND.
HE FUCKING HATES YOU."
[laughter]
BUT I THINK THE FACT
THAT THEY STILL USE CONDOMS
DEMONSTRATES THE EXTENT
TO WHICH SOME PEOPLE WILL GO
TO MAKE SURE
THEY DON'T HAVE KIDS
AND RUIN THEIR LIVES.
[laughter]
NOW, THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN
A LOT OF PRESSURE ON ME
IN MY FAMILY TO HAVE KIDS
BECAUSE I'M THE LAST
MALE KARO.
I'M THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN CARRY ON THE KARO NAME.
WHEN SHE WAS STILL ALIVE,
MY GRANDMA ALWAYS USED
TO SAY TO ME
"AARON, YOU GOT TO HAVE
FOUR BOYS.
"YOU GOT TO PROMISE
YOU'LL HAVE FOUR SONS
TO MAKE SURE THEY CARRY ON
THE NAME."
AND I'D BE, LIKE,
"GRANDMA, I'M SIX.
[laughter]
I DON'T EVEN LIKE GIRLS."
AND NOW MY MOM IS SO DESPERATE
FOR GRANDCHILDREN,
SHE ACTUALLY TOLD MY DAD
SHE'D BE FINE WITH IT
IF I HAD A KID
OUT OF WEDLOCK.
THANKS FOR THE VOTE
OF CONFIDENCE, MOM.
THE ONLY UPSIDE
IS THAT IF I MEET A CHICK
AT A BAR
AND SHE'S DOWN TO FUCK,
BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY CONDOMS,
I CAN BE, LIKE, "DON'T WORRY,
MY MOM SAID IT'S OKAY."
[laughter]
I MEAN, JESUS, MOM.
YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK.
I LIVE IN L.A.
WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE
OF YOUR BASTARD GRANDCHILD?
NOT I.
I WON'T EVEN BUY
MICROWAVABLE SOUP
UNLESS IT'S THE KIND
YOU CAN EAT DIRECTLY OUT OF.
WHAT? USE A CAN OPENER?
THEN POUR IT INTO A BOWL?
TOO MUCH WORK.
I'LL STARVE.
THE KID WON'T MAKE IT TO TWO.
[laughter]
WHEN I TURNED 30 THIS YEAR,
MY DAD GAVE ME A PICTURE
OF HIM WHEN HE WAS 30.
AND HE WAS SITTING
IN HIS BACKYARD
HOLDING BABY ME IN HIS LAP.
HE OWNED A HOUSE
AND RAISED A NEWBORN.
I RENT A ONE-BEDROOM
AND I'M AFRAID
OF THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.
[laughter]
IF A SPIDER EVER CRAWLS
INTO THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL,
GAME OVER,
I JUST MOVE OUT.
[laughter]
AND LISTENING
TO PREGNANT PEOPLE TALK
ABOUT THEIR UNBORN CHILDREN
IS JUST TORTURE.
I MEAN, HOW LONG
UNTIL SOMEONE JUST CREATES
A FACEBOOK PAGE
FOR THEIR FETUS?
[laughter]
SONOGRAM
FOR A PROFILE PICTURE.
- YES.
FAVORITE MOVIE:
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING."
[laughter]
BIRTHDAY:
HOPEFULLY SOON.
ACTIVITIES AND INTERESTS:
MITOSIS.
[laughter]
STATUS: JUST CHECKING OUT
MY NEW COCK.
[laughter]
"L-L-O-L."
I'M JUST NOWHERE NEAR READY
FOR ANY OF THIS, YOU KNOW?
A FEW OF MY FRIENDS
ARE PREGNANT NOW.
AND IT'S JUST WEIRD
FOR ME TO THINK
ABOUT HOW OLD THEIR KIDS
ARE GOING TO BE
BY THE TIME
I ACTUALLY HAVE KIDS.
LIKE, I REALLY LOOK
AT EACH OF MY FRIEND'S NEWBORNS
AS A POTENTIAL BABY-SITTER.
OR A DATE.
[laughter and ohs]
[scattered applause]
HA HA.
ONE OF MY HIGH SCHOOL BUDDIES
JUST MARRIED A WOMAN
WHO ALREADY HAS A KID.
I COULD NEVER DO THAT.
IF THIS RELATIONSHIP
IS GOING TO HAVE
AN IMMATURE WHINER
WHO VOMITS WITHOUT WARNING,
IT'S GONNA BE ME.
I'M SORRY, SINGLE MOMS,
BUT YOUR KID
IS A DEAL BREAKER.
I WON'T EVEN DATE A GIRL
WHO LIVES MORE THAN FIVE BLOCKS
AWAY FROM ME.
I WON'T DATE A RED SOX FAN.
I WON'T DATE A SMOKER.
[crowd commotion and boos]
SORRY.
I WON'T DATE A SOX FAN.
I WON'T DATE A SMOKER.
I WON'T DATE A GIRL
WHO DOESN'T DRINK.
I WON'T DATE A GIRL
WITH A HOTMAIL ACCOUNT.
[laughter]
I WON'T EVEN DATE A GIRL
WITH A ROOMMATE,
LET ALONE ONE THAT WEARS DIAPERS
AND DOESN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP.
[laughter]
AND I HATE HOW NEW PARENTS
ALWAYS USE THEIR KID
AS AN EXCUSE.
"WELL, I'D LOVE TO MAKE IT,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I'VE GOT THE TWO-YEAR-OLD
AT HOME. HA HA HA HA."
GO FUCK YOURSELF.
[laughter and applause]
MY OLD BOSS, WHEN I USED
TO WORK ON WALL STREET,
HAD THIS CUTE
LITTLE DAUGHTER.
AND HE'D ALWAYS TELL ME
HOW SHE'D GET
INTO THIS JAR OF CANDY
THAT SHE AND HIS WIFE KEPT
IN THE KITCHEN.
SO FINALLY THEY MOVED THE JAR
TO THE TOP OF THE FRIDGE
SO THE GIRL
COULDN'T GET TO IT.
THEN HE TELLS ME
THAT WHEN HE AND HIS WIFE
WEREN'T WATCHING,
THIS LITTLE GIRL
GOES INTO THE BATHROOM,
PEELS UP THE BATH MAT
FROM THE TUB,
CARRIES IT
INTO THE KITCHEN,
PULLS OUT ALL THE DRAWERS
AND ONE OF THE CABINETS,
USES THEM AS MAKESHIFT STAIRS
TO CLIMB ONTO THE COUNTER.
USES THE BATH MAT AS TRACTION
TO CLIMB ONTO A SMALL SHELF.
FROM THE SHELF JUMPS THE TOP
OF THE FRIDGE.
GOT TO THE CANDY JAR.
I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S NOT
A THREE-YEAR-OLD.
THAT'S A VELOCIRAPTOR."
[laughter]
I, UH--I HAVE HAD
A PREGNANCY SCARE IN MY LIFE.
UH, HAPPENED A FEW YEARS AGO
BACK WHEN I WAS STILL LIVING
IN NEW YORK.
AND MY GIRLFRIEND AT THE TIME
CAME OVER TO MY PLACE
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"I'M LATE."
AND I WAS LIKE, "ACTUALLY,
YOU'RE KIND OF EARLY.
I WAS GONNA JERK OFF
BEFORE YOU GO THERE."
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"NO, NO, NO.
I'M LATE."
"OH.
OH."
AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT
TO MYSELF "OH, MY GOD.
"I'VE ONLY BEEN DATING THIS GIRL
FOR, LIKE, FOUR MONTHS.
"I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE FEELS
ABOUT ABORTION.
[scattered applause]
[scattered cheers]
SO SHE MAKES ME GO TO CVS
AT, LIKE, 11:00 AT NIGHT
TO GET THE PREGNANCY TEST.
[laughter]
NOW THERE ARE TWO TYPES
OF WALKS
WHEN YOU'RE GOING THROUGH CVS
LOOKING FOR A PREGNANCY TEST.
THERE'S...
[singing] GONNA HAVE A KID
WITH MY LOVE WHO I LOVE
AND WE'RE READY
[laughter]
[cheers]
AND THERE WAS MY WALK.
[humming Star Wars'
The Imperial March]
$24.99?
WHAT THE FUCK?
[laughter]
[continues humming
The Imperial March]
OOH, GENERIC BRAND.
[laughter]
AND I GO TO CHECK OUT
AND THE CASHIER MUST NOT HAVE
SEEN THE LOOK ON MY FACE
'CAUSE SHE WAS LIKE,
"GOOD LUCK.
[laughter]
"DO YOU HAVE A CVS CARD?"
"NO.
JUST--JUST--JUST THIS."
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO APPLY
FOR A CVS CARD?"
"OH, GOD, PLEASE, WHY?
UGH."
SO I APPLY FOR THE CVS CARD.
[laughter]
I BRING THE TEST HOME.
MY GIRLFRIEND PEES
ON THE STICK.
AND CAN I JUST SAY:
IS THIS THE BEST TECHNOLOGY
WE CAN COME UP WITH?
PEEING ON A STICK?
I CAN'T ACCURATELY PISS
ON ANYTHING
AND I HAVE MANUAL CONTROL.
[laughter]
THEN THEY MAKE YOU WAIT
THE LONGEST THREE MINUTES
OF YOUR LIFE
AND THE RESULTS
COULD NOT BE MORE UNCLEAR.
TRYING TO INTERPRET THE RESULTS
OF A PREGNANCY TEST
IS LIKE BEING IN A DIVE BAR
AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHICH ONE'S THE GUY'S BATHROOM
BY LOOKING AT THE PICTURES
ON THE DOORS.
ONE'S LIKE A CAT
IN A TOP HAT.
THE OTHER'S A TURTLE
IN A TUXEDO.
WHICH ONE'S WHICH?
A PREGNANCY TEST
SHOULD ONLY HAVE TWO RESULTS:
"YOU'RE FUCKED"
AND "KEEP ON FUCKING."
- YEAH! WHOO!
- WHOO!
[applause]
- SO THANKFULLY,
SHE WASN'T PREGNANT
AND SHE ENDED UP GETTING
HER PERIOD THE NEXT DAY.
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MAN.
WHEW! I NEVER WANT
TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN."
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "WELL,
EVEN THOUGH I'M ON THE PILL,
"MAYBE FOR A LITTLE WHILE,
JUST TO BE SAFE,
WE SHOULD USE CONDOMS TOO."
AND I WAS LIKE,
"MMMMMM...
"NAAAAH. FUCK IT.
"I'LL RISK IT.
"IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
BESIDES,
NOW I HAVE A CVS CARD."
[laughter]
[applause]
NOW, AS A COMEDIAN,
OBVIOUSLY, I TRAVEL A LOT.
I'M ON A PLANE LIKE EVERY DAY.
AND THE ONE THING...
THAT I FUCKING HATE
MORE THAN ANYTHING
IS WHEN FAMILIES ASK ME
TO SWITCH SEATS
TO ACCOMMODATE THEM.
"WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?
"YOU'D LIKE TO SWITCH SEATS
WITH ME
"'CAUSE YOU'RE SEPARATED
FROM YOUR KID?
"WELL, LET ME SEE
HOW I CAN MAKE THIS CLEAR.
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
"LISTEN, BUDDY, I TOOK THE TIME
TO CHECK IN ONLINE,
"CHOOSE EXACTLY THE SEAT
I WANTED,
"AND PRINT MY BOARDING PASS
AT HOME.
"NOW YOU EXPECT ME
TO SACRIFICE MY OWN COMFORT
"JUST BECAUSE YOU FORGOT
TO PULL OUT?
"NOT A CHANCE!
[cheers and applause]
"NOT A CHANCE!
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU,
AND YOUR WIFE,
"AND YOUR NEWBORN BABY
"ARE SITTING NOWHERE NEAR
EACH OTHER.
"YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT
AHEAD OF TIME, MOTHER FUCKER.
"FUCK YOU.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY SEAT.
I AM LIKE THE ROSA PARKS
OF THIS PLANE."
[cheers and applause]
NOW, BOSTON, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE TONIGHT.
BUT BEFORE I LET YOU GO,
I WANT TO LEAVE YOU
WITH A LITTLE BIT OF HOMEWORK.
- KARO!
- WHOO!
- YEAH!
- YOU SEE, THE THINGS IS,
DESPITE ALL MY WARNINGS
AND ADVICE,
A FEW OF MY FRIENDS
RECENTLY GOT ENGAGED.
BUT I'VE COME UP WITH A PLAN
TO MAKE THEIR WEDDINGS MORE FUN.
SO MY RULE, WHICH I HOPE
YOU WILL HELP SPREAD
ACROSS THE COUNTRY,
IS THAT YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO GIVE A SPEECH
UNLESS YOU TELL
THE TRUE STORY
OF HOW THE BRIDE AND GROOM
ACTUALLY MET.
[cheers and applause]
BECAUSE LET'S BE HONEST,
THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD REALLY
BE LIKE...
"I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
"TO CELEBRATE WITH RACHEL
AND SCOTT.
"RACHEL AND SCOTT
MET IN A BAR.
"RACHEL SPILLED A DRINK ON SCOTT
BECAUSE SHE WAS SO FUCKED UP
"FROM PARTYING WITH HER FRIENDS
WHO WERE VISITING
"FOR THE LONG WEEKEND.
"SCOTT TOOK RACHEL HOME.
"BUT HE ALMOST BAILED
WHEN HE FOUND OUT
"SHE HAS A CAT.
"NOT ONLY IS HE ALLERGIC
TO CATS, BUT HE HATES CATS
"BECAUSE CATS
ARE THE FUCKING WORST.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
"AND THE STORY
ALMOST ENDED THERE.
"BUT THANKFULLY, SCOTT STAYED
BECAUSE HE TOO WAS WASTED.
"THE RESULT
OF AN ILL-ADVISED SHOT
"THAT WAS FOLLOWED
BY THE BANG OF A GONG.
"SO RACHEL AND SCOTT
HOOKED UP.
"RACHEL WENT DOWN ON SCOTT,
"WHICH WAS NOT SURPRISING
GIVEN THAT SHE'S A CAPRICORN.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
AND THE REST IS HISTORY."
BOSTON!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
FUCK ME.
[cheers and applause]
LET'S GET WASTED!
THANK YOU, GUYS.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
[hard rock music]
[Pachelbel's Canon
In D Major]
[hard rock music]
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
AARON KARO!
[cheers and applause]
- JUST THE LADIES!
JUST THE LADIES!
JUST THE LADIES!
[cheers and applause]
JUST THE SINGLE LADIES!
JUST THE SINGLE LADIES!
[cheers and applause]
JUST THE MARRIED LADIES!
YOU'RE THE MARRIED LADIES!
[cheers and applause]
NONE OF YOU TALK TO ME
AFTER THE SHOW.
OKAY. KEEPING TRACK.
SO I'M SO PUMPED
TO BE HERE IN BOSTON!
[cheers and applause]
HOME OF MY ROWDIEST FANS
IN THE COUNTRY.
[cheers]
AND I WANT TO JUST START
BY SAYING ONE THING...
HOW 'BOUT THOSE YANKEES?
[cheers, applause,
and catcalls]
TOO SOON?
I'M JUST MESSING
WITH YOU, BOSTON. COME ON.
UH, IT'S BEEN A CRAZY YEAR.
I TURNED 30.
FUCK ME.
FUCKING 30, MAN.
SOME DAYS I'M, LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M 30.
LIFE'S PRETTY GOOD.
I'M PRETTY HAPPY."
AND OTHER DAYS I'M, LIKE,
"OH, GOD, I'M 30.
"I'VE DONE NOTHING
WITH MY LIFE.
I STILL USE MY COLLEGE ID
TO GET A DOLLAR OFF
FROM SUBWAY."
PLUS, ALL MY FUCKING FRIENDS
ARE GETTING MARRIED NOW.
SERIOUSLY, MY TYPICAL WEEK
IS FRIDAY: REHEARSAL DINNER,
SATURDAY: WEDDING,
SUNDAY: HANGOVER,
MONDAY: SHAME,
TUESDAY: UN-TAG PHOTOS.
[laughter]
REPEAT AS NECESSARY.
AND CAN I JUST SAY
THAT I DON'T THINK
THAT BRIDESMAIDS
SHOULD EVER BE ALLOWED
TO MAKE SPEECHES?
THEY'RE NEVER GOOD.
I HATE WHEN THEY TELL
"THE STORY"
OF HOW THE BRIDE
AND GROOM MET.
IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,
"I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
"TO CELEBRATE RACHEL
AND SCOTT.
"RACHEL AND SCOTT
MET IN THE PARK.
THEIR FIRST DATE WAS BOWLING
AND THE REST IS HISTORY."
BULLSHIT.
THERE'S NO WAY
THAT'S HOW THEY ACTUALLY MET.
"THE REST IS HISTORY."
COME ON!
I MAY HAVE HAD 12 BEERS
AND TRIED
TO KISS THE BRIDE'S MOM,
BUT I'M NOT AN IDIOT.
[laughter]
BUT WHENEVER I START
TO FEEL DOWN ABOUT BEING 30
OR ABOUT ALL MY FRIENDS
GETTING MARRIED,
THE ONE THING
THAT KEEPS ME GOING
IS LOGGING ONTO FACEBOOK
AND REALIZING THAT EVERYONE
I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH
WHO WAS COOLER THAN ME,
MORE POPULAR THAN ME,
OR BETTER LOOKING THAN ME
ARE NOW NONE OF THOSE THINGS.
[laughter]
HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN
THE MOST POPULAR KIDS
FROM YOUR HIGH SCHOOL
RECENTLY?
THEY LOOK FUCKING HORRIBLE.
AND IT'S AWESOME.
[cheers and applause]
AH. NOW, WHENEVER SOMEONE
SAYS TO ME
"I DON'T HAVE TO DRINK
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,"
MY RESPONSE IS ALWAYS
"WELL, I DO."
[laughter]
[scattered cheers]
I MEAN, YOU GUYS EVER GO OUT
WITH SOME OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS
IN THE ENTIRE WORLD--
PEOPLE WHO YOU'VE SHARED
SOME OF THE MOST IMPORTANT
MOMENTS OF YOUR LIFE WITH,
BUT THEY'RE DRINKING
AND YOU AREN'T?
IT'S NOT FUN AT ALL.
AND I TRY TO PRETEND
LIKE I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME.
BUT SECRETLY, I CAN'T WAIT
TO GET HOME,
PUT SWEAT PANTS ON,
AND JUST WATCH THE SHIT
OUT OF MY DVR.
MY WASTED BUDDIES
ALWAYS ROLL UP TO ME,
PUT THEIR ARM AROUND ME,
AND THEY YELL "KARO!
THIS IS GREATEST NIGHT EVER!"
AND I TRY MY BEST TO FIT IN.
BUT ALL I WANT TO DO
IS WATCH AN EPISODE OF "LOST,"
BEAT OFF, AND GO TO SLEEP.
[laughter]
I ALSO BELIEVE THAT BEING
WITH YOUR BUDDIES
WHEN THEY'RE FUCKED UP
AND YOU AREN'T
IS ACTUALLY
QUITE EYE-OPENING.
I LOOK AROUND AT MY BOYS,
LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE.
"THESE GUYS
ARE ALL DOUCHE BAGS.
GOOD THING I'M NOT LIKE THAT
WHEN I'M DRUNK."
OF COURSE, EVERYONE'S GOT
THAT ONE FRIEND
WHO EVERY NIGHT
GETS FUCKED UP,
GETS IN A GUY'S FACE
FOR NO REASON,
AND IS SO OUT OF LINE
THAT WHEN A FIGHT BREAKS OUT,
I TAKE THE OTHER DUDE'S SIDE.
AND WHEN THINGS CALM DOWN,
I END UP BEING CHOSEN
AS THE EMISSARY
WHO HAS TO GO OVER
TO THE OTHER GROUP OF GUYS
AND APOLOGIZE ON BEHALF
OF MY STUPID FUCKING FRIEND.
AND I'M, LIKE, "LISTEN, MAN,
I'M REALLY SORRY.
MY BUDDY'S WASTED.
HE'S BEING AN ASSHOLE."
AND THE GUY'S, LIKE,
"IT'S ALL GOOD, BRO.
NO WORRIES."
AND I ALWAYS HAVE
THE SAME THOUGHT:
THESE GUYS ARE COOLER
THAN MY FRIENDS!
[laughter]
AT LEAST THESE GUYS
ARE WITH CHICKS.
MY BUDDIES ARE OVER THERE
PLAYING "BUCK HUNTER"
AND JERKING EACH OTHER OFF.
I ALSO THINK THAT FLYING IN
TO VISIT YOUR BUDDIES
IN ANOTHER CITY,
BUT FLYING IN ON THURSDAY
INSTEAD OF FRIDAY,
YOU KNOW, SO YOU GET
THE LONG WEEKEND IN,
NEVER A GOOD IDEA.
BECAUSE EVERY TIME
I SPEND 72 HOURS DRINKING
WITH FRIENDS I HAVEN'T SEEN
IN A WHILE,
SOME SHIT GOES DOWN.
THE FIRST NIGHT YOU GET IN,
"WHAT'S UP, DUDE?
LONG TIME, NO SEE.
LET'S GET FUCKED UP."
IT'S AWESOME.
THE SECOND NIGHT,
IT'S FRIDAY.
IT'S THE WEEKEND.
"LET'S GET FUCKED UP."
IT'S AWESOME.
THE THIRD NIGHT,
I LOSE MY CELL PHONE.
MY FRIEND PUNCHES A SEVEN-FOOT
BOUNCER IN THE BALLS.
CHICKS ARE CRYING.
PEOPLE GET ARRESTED.
A SMALL FIRE BREAKS OUT.
SOMEONE GOES INTO LABOR.
[laughter]
AND I END UP VOMITING HALF
IN MY FRIEND'S TOILET
AND HALF ON THE SIDE
OF HIS BATHTUB.
IT'S ALWAYS IN THAT LITTLE SPACE
YOU CAN'T EVEN GET TO
TO CLEAN UP, RIGHT?
WHY DO THEY EVEN MAKE
THE SPACE
BETWEEN THE BATHTUB
AND THE TOILET LIKE THAT?
WHAT KIND OF CLEANING DEVICE
CAN GET VOMIT OUT OF A SPACE
LIKE THAT?
I USUALLY JUST, LIKE,
MOVE THE GARBAGE CAN
IN FRONT OF IT, LIKE,
"GOTTA CATCH A FLIGHT.
PEACE."
STILL BEING AT THE BAR
WHEN IT CLOSES,
BADGE OF HONOR.
BUT NOTHING
WILL MAKE YOU QUESTION
YOUR LIFE CHOICES MORE
THAN GETTING TO THE BAR
BEFORE IT EVEN OPENS.
I'M, LIKE, "LET ME IN!
IT'S 9:55!
A.M.!"
SOMETIMES I GET SO DRUNK
THAT WHEN I BRING THE SHIRT
THAT I WORE TO THE BAR
TO THE DRY CLEANER
AND THEY ASK ME
WHAT THE STAIN IS,
I CAN'T EVEN IDENTIFY IT.
I'M, LIKE, "OH, IT'S EITHER
VODKA CRANBERRY, OR BLOOD."
MY BUDDY CLAUDIO
ONCE GOT SO DRUNK
THAT HE SLEPT WITH A GIRL
AND THE NEXT DAY
SHE WAS GONE
AND HE COULDN'T REMEMBER
ANYTHING.
SO WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.
AND HE FINDS
THIS ONE FLIP-FLOP
THAT SHE MUST'VE SOMEHOW LEFT
UNDERNEATH HIS BED.
AND WE'RE STARING AT IT.
I'M, LIKE, "DUDE,
WHO LEAVES BEHIND ONE SHOE?
I THINK YOU MIGHT'VE FUCKED
CINDERELLA."
[laughter]
YOU EVER KNOW SO FAR
AHEAD OF TIME
HOW DRUNK YOU'RE GONNA GET...
[cheers and applause]
THAT YOU CALL IN SICK
FOR WORK THE NEXT DAY...
BEFORE YOU EVEN GO OUT?
YOU EVER GET TO A PARTY,
LIKE, TWO HOURS LATE,
EVERYONE'S ALREADY WASTED,
SO YOU TOTALLY PANIC,
OVERCOMPENSATE,
START LAPPING PEOPLE,
AND END UP GETTING
TWICE AS FUCKED UP
AS ANYONE ELSE?
EVER AGREE TO TAKE A SHOT
AND THEN IMMEDIATELY REGRET
NOT ASKING WHAT'S IN IT FIRST?
[laughter and applause]
MY BUDDY'S, LIKE, "YO, KARO,
YOU WANT TO TAKE A, UH,
A FLAMING BAY OF PIGS
INVASION?"
"FUCK, YEAH, DUDE.
WHATEVER. LINE 'EM UP."
NEXT THING YOU KNOW
THE BARTENDER PUTS GOGGLES ON.
HE'S BURNING SUGAR
ON A SPOON.
HE'S GOT SIX DIFFERENT-SIZED
GLASSES
LIKE A RUSSIAN NESTING DOLL.
SOMEONE BANGS A GONG.
A CROWD GATHERS.
THERE'S A PHOTOGRAPHER
FROM THE LOCAL PAPER THERE.
I'M, LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK
DID I GET MYSELF INTO?"
WHERE DID THAT GONG
COME FROM?
THE WORST THOUGH
IS WHEN I'M AT THE BAR
AND I TAKE THAT ONE EXTRA,
TOTALLY UNNECESSARY SHOT.
BECAUSE I END UP HAVING
TO GIVE MYSELF A PEP TALK.
MY INNER MONOLOGUE
IS LIKE THIS...
"THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.
[laughter]
"STARTING TO SALIVATE.
[laughter]
"DON'T PUKE.
[laughter]
"CHOKE IT BACK, KARO!
CHOKE IT BACK!
"OH, TRY NOT TO CRY.
"FUCK. WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?
"NO, KARO, IF YOU PUKE,
"YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO START
DRINKING ALL OVER AGAIN.
"YOU HAVE
SUCH A GREAT BASE GOING.
[labored breathing]
[cries]
"OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.
THINK IT PASSED.
OKAY. ONE MORE SHOT."
[laughter]
I ALWAYS FEEL AWKWARD
WHEN I'M HITTING ON A GIRL,
BUT SHE'S DRINKING WINE.
BECAUSE MOST WOMEN
HOLD THE GLASS PROPERLY
BY THE STEM.
MEANWHILE, I'M CLUTCHING A BEER
IN THE PALM OF MY HAND
LIKE I'M THE ANCHOR LEG
IN THE GREEK WEEK
INTER-FRATERNITY
BOAT RACE FINALS.
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO BE SUAVE
WHEN YOU'RE, LIKE, "YES,
THE SUBPRIME MORTGAGE CRISIS
"IS QUITE TROUBLING.
IS THAT CHARDONNAY?"
GOOSH!
THE HOTTER THE GIRL,
THE HAPPIER I AM TO FIND OUT
SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND
BECAUSE NOW I HAVE AN EXCUSE
TO TELL MY BUDDIES AT THE BAR
WHY I GOT SHOT DOWN.
I'M, LIKE, "I TRIED MY BEST,
BUT GOSH DARN IT,
"SHE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND.
"HIS NAME IS TODD.
"AND I'M NOT GONNA LIE, GUYS.
I THINK HE'S THE ONE."
[laughter]
SOMETIMES I'LL BE AT THE BAR
AND I'LL BE WATCHING
ONE OF MY BOYS HIT ON A CHICK.
BUT HE'S SO SLOPPY DRUNK
THAT I ACTUALLY FEEL BAD
FOR THE GIRL.
NO ONE LIKES TO GIVE
THEIR OWN FRIEND THE HOOK.
BUT SOMETIMES,
THEY HAVE TO BE, LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, DANNY,
TIME TO PACK IT IN, BRO.
"YOUR NIGHT'S OVER.
"NO. LET GO
OF THE NICE GIRL'S HAND.
"NO, LET GO OF HER DRESS.
"NO, DANNY, SHE DOESN'T WANT
YOUR NUMBER, DUDE.
"WHAT--BECAUSE SHE JUST SAID
"'I DON'T WANT YOUR CRAZY
FRIEND'S NUMBER.
"GET HIM AWAY FROM ME.'
"NO. DANNY, DON'T--
DON'T GIVE HER YOUR CELL PHONE.
"YOU'RE NOT HELPING.
"SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU
TO BUY HER A DRINK, MAN.
"NO. THAT'S NOT EVEN
A CREDIT CARD.
"THAT'S YOUR CVS CARD.
[laughter]
"THAT'S A--NO, THAT'S A COUPON
FOR A FREE CAR WASH.
"NO. NO. NO. NO.
"BUT YOU CAN GET A DOLLAR
OFF SUBWAY WITH THAT ONE.
"LISTEN, DANNY,
WILL YOU JUST LEAVE
"THIS POOR GIRL ALONE?
"DANNY,
LOOK AT HER FUCKING HAND.
"LOOK AT HER FINGER.
YOU SEE THAT?
"IT'S A WEDDING RING.
YOU'VE GOT NO SHOT.
"WHAT? NO, I--YES.
FIN--THAT'S A FAIR--
"I AGREE--LISTEN, I AGREE
THAT MARRIED PEOPLE
"SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED
IN BARS.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
BUT, DANNY, NO,
WE CAN'T KILL HER."
SO MY, UH,
SINGLE FEMALE FRIENDS
ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME
TO SET THEM UP.
BUT IT'S SUCH A PAIN
IN THE ASS.
LIKE, MY FRIEND JEN
RECENTLY ASKED ME TO SET HER UP
WITH ONE OF MY BUDDIES
WHO SHE THOUGHT WAS CUTE.
AND I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
I'LL SHOOT HIM AN EMAIL.
I'LL TALK YOU UP.
AND I'LL HAVE HIM FRIEND YOU."
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"OH, I DON'T HAVE FACEBOOK."
AND I WAS LIKE, "OOH,
I'M NOT SETTING YOU UP THEN."
SHE'S, LIKE, "WHY NOT?"
I'M, LIKE, "HOW'S HE SUPPOSED
TO STALK YOU FIRST
"IF YOU DON'T HAVE FACEBOOK?
"HE NEEDS TO SEE
SEVERAL PICTURES OF YOU
"FROM MULTIPLE ANGLES
"AND AT LEAST ONE PHOTO ALBUM
FROM HALLOWEEN
TO SEE HOW SLUTTY
YOU DRESSED."
[cheers and applause]
SHE'S, LIKE,
"WELL, I HAVE MYSPACE."
"THAT'S NOT GONNA CUT IT
UNLESS IT WAS 2006
OR YOU'RE FILIPINO."
AM I RIGHT?
THEN I WAS TALKING
TO MY FRIEND DEB
AND I WAS TELLING HER
ABOUT ONE OF MY BUDDIES
I THOUGHT SHE'D LIKE.
YOU KNOW, I EXPECT HER
TO ASK "WHAT DOES HE DO?"
SHE GOES "DOES HE HAVE
BLUE-GREEN EYES?"
I WAS LIKE, "I'VE KNOWN
THIS GUY FOR OVER 25 YEARS,
"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW
WHAT COLOR EYES HE HAS!
I JUST FOUND OUT
HIS REAL FIRST NAME LAST WEEK."
DEB ALSO READS HER HOROSCOPE
EVERY DAY.
SHE'S, LIKE, "HE'S A LEO.
I'M A SAGITTARIUS.
IT'S PERFECT."
NO GUY HAS EVER GOTTEN
A RANDOM BLOWJOB
AND THEN BEEN, LIKE, "OH, I
GUESS OUR MOONS WERE ALIGNED.
THOSE CAPRICORNS
SUCK A MIGHTY FINE DICK."
THE GIRLS HERE WHO READ
THEIR HOROSCOPES
ARE THINKING "MM-HMM,
THAT'S TRUE.
CAPRICORNS DO DO THAT."
[laughter]
SEE, I THINK THAT HOROSCOPES
ARE LIKE SPAM.
THEY'RE BOTH WRITTEN IN A WAY
TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE IT APPLIES TO YOU.
LIKE, YOU EVER READ
YOUR HOROSCOPE
AND YOU'RE, LIKE...
"YEAH.
I DO LIKE TO COMMUNICATE
WITH OTHERS"?
[laughter]
"THANKS, FORTUNE COOKIE."
I GET SPAM WITH THE SUBJECT
"FUCK GIRLS IN YOUR AREA."
PFFT. I GO TO DELETE IT.
BUT THEN I SEE
IT ALSO SAYS
"DO YOU SOMETIMES JERK OFF
WITH YOUR LEFT HAND
JUST TO SWITCH THINGS UP
A BIT?"
"YEAH.
"I DO DO THAT.
[laughter]
IT'S REAL--
IT'S A REAL WEB SITE.
SEE, I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND
THE POINT OF BEING SET UP.
TO ME, A FIRST DATE
IS SOMETHING I GO ON
AFTER I'VE ALREADY HOOKED UP
WITH A GIRL.
EITHER 'CAUSE I FEEL BAD
OR 'CAUSE I WANT
TO GET LAID,
BUT SHE ONLY BLEW ME
THE FIRST TIME.
SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A CHOICE ON EHARMONY.
[laughter]
PLUS WHEN YOU GO OUT
WITH A GIRL FOR THE FIRST TIME,
THAT'S NOT
WHAT SHE REALLY LOOKS LIKE.
FOR GUYS, WHAT YOU SEE
IS WHAT YOU GET.
YOU KNOW,
ALL I'VE GOT TONIGHT
IS SOME GEL IN MY HAIR,
SOME CHAPSTICK ON MY LIPS,
AND SOME BABY POWDER
ON MY BALLS,
BUT THAT'S IT.
[laughter]
BUT GIRLS ARE GETTING
A MANI AND A PEDI,
AND THEIR HAIR DONE,
AND MAKEUP,
THEY'RE TAPING
THEIR TITS TOGETHER.
IT'S FUCKING HUMAN PHOTOSHOP.
NOTHING FREAKS ME OUT MORE
THAN WHEN A GIRL
TAKES HER HEELS OFF MID-DATE
TO SHOW ME HOW TALL
SHE REALLY IS.
SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "OH, THESE
ARE JUST REALLY HIGH BOOTS."
[laughter]
[applause]
"OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE A LITTLE PERSON."
[laughter]
"WHAT WERE YOU WEARING,
STILTS?"
SO I REFUSE TO GET SET UP.
PLUS, I FOUND THAT FRIENDS
WHO KNOW YOU BEST,
ARE THE WORST
AT SETTING YOU UP.
PERFECT STRANGERS
ARE SO MUCH BETTER AT IT
BECAUSE THEY DON'T
OVERTHINK THINGS.
MY FRIENDS ARE, LIKE,
"OH, I DON'T KNOW IF KARO
WILL BE INTO THAT GIRL.
HE LIKES BRUNETTES."
YEAH, I PREFER BRUNETTES,
BUT I'LL BANG A BLONDE.
LET'S NOT GET PICKY.
MY GUY FRIENDS
ALSO DON'T GET VERY CREATIVE
WHEN THEY'RE THINKING
ABOUT GIRLS TO SET ME UP WITH.
MY BUDDY SCOTT
RECENTLY CALLED ME.
HE'S, LIKE, "KARO, MAN,
"YOU WANT ME TO INTRODUCE ME
TO THIS CHICK, MICHELLE?
SHE'S REAL CUTE."
I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, SURE,
HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?"
"FUCKED HER."
[laughter]
THAT'S NOT REALLY THINKING
OUTSIDE THE BOX.
LITERALLY.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
AND THE THING IS THAT DIDN'T
EVEN REALLY DETER ME.
I WAS LIKE...
"HOW LONG AGO
DID YOU FUCK HER?
"WAS IT RAW DOG?
[audience moans]
NO? MAKE THE CALL."
MY, UH...
[chuckles]
MY OTHER BUDDY JEFF
RECENTLY STARTED HOOKING UP
WITH THIS NEW GIRL.
AND FIRST OF ALL,
HER NAME IS "BRENDA BROWN."
I DON'T KNOW, I JUST FEEL LIKE
IT'S THE STUPIDEST NAME EVER.
[laughter]
BUT I GO TO HIM,
I'M LIKE, "DOES SHE HAVE
ANY FRIENDS?"
AND HE'S, LIKE, "YEAH,
ACTUALLY, I MET THIS GUY
SHE WENT TO COLLEGE WITH."
I WAS LIKE, "WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA.
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT HER ACTUAL FRIENDS.
I MEAN,
DOES SHE KNOW SLUTS?"
LISTEN, JEFF,
I'M REALLY HAPPY
THAT BRENDA'S GIVING YOU
BLOWJOBS ON THE REGULAR,
BUT WHAT CAN BROWN DO
FOR ME?
[laughter]
[applause]
AND I HATE WHEN GIRLS TRY
TO SET ME UP.
BECAUSE HOW LONG A GIRL
STRESSES THE WORD "SO"
WHEN DESCRIBING HOW CUTE
HER FRIEND IS
IS INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL
TO HOW CUTE HER FRIEND
ACTUALLY IS.
IF A GIRL'S, LIKE, "YOU HAVE
TO MEET MY FRIEND JESSICA.
SHE'S SOOOOOO CUTE,"
THAT CHICK IS BUSTED!
[laughter]
PRETTY SURE I JUST BLEW
MY SHOULDER OUT.
[laughter]
WHEN I WAS 20,
GET WASTED, FALL DOWN
A FLIGHT OF STAIRS,
POP UP
LIKE A CARTOON CHARACTER.
NOW I'M, LIKE, "OY, I PUT
TOO MUCH CHUTZPAH
ON THAT LAST JOKE."
OH, FUCK.
BUT I REALLY HATE THE FACT
THAT HOW LONG
YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP
IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL
TO HOW FAR IN ADVANCE
YOU MAKE PLANS.
YOU EVER TRY TO MAKE PLANS
WITH ONE
OF YOUR MARRIED FRIENDS?
I'M, LIKE, "YO, DUDE,
DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER,
WATCH THE GAME?"
"OOH, I CAN'T. BUT HOW ABOUT
SIX WEEKS FROM TUESDAY?"
MY PARENTS HAVE A CALENDAR
IN THEIR KITCHEN
THAT'S BOOKED THROUGH 2012.
LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS?
[laughter]
AND THE THING IS,
COUPLES NEVER EVEN MAKE
INTERESTING PLANS.
IF I MAKE PLANS
SIX MONTHS IN ADVANCE,
IT'S 'CAUSE I'M GOING
TO BARBADOS.
MY MARRIED FRIENDS MAKE PLANS
SIX MONTHS IN ADVANCE
BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING
TO BRUNCH.
SINGLE PEOPLE
AND PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS
SHOULD ALSO NEVER GO AWAY
ON VACATION TOGETHER.
[cheers and applause]
OUR INCENTIVES
ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP
AND YOU GO
TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY,
YOU WANT TO EXPLORE,
IMMERSE YOURSELF
IN THE CULTURE,
EAT INTERESTING FOOD,
WALK ALONG THE WATER.
WHEN I GO
TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY,
I WANT TO SPEND SEVEN MINUTES
AT EACH OF THE FIVE
MOST FAMOUS LANDMARKS,
TAKE THREE PICTURES,
AND THEN GO FIND
STRANGE PUSSY.
[cheers and applause]
OUR ITINERARIES
WILL NEVER CROSS.
WHEN PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS
GO ON VACATION,
THEY ALWAYS CHECK TO MAKE SURE
THERE'S A GYM IN HOTEL.
WHEN I GO AWAY,
THE ONLY THING I EAT IS BACON.
[laughter]
I WILL ONLY MOVE
AS FAR AS MY INFLATABLE RAFT
WITH BUILT-IN CUP HOLDERS
WILL FLOAT.
"DO I WANT TO GET SOMETHING
TO EAT?
"WELL, THAT DEPENDS.
"CAN IT BE DELIVERED
DIRECTLY INTO MY MOUTH
WHILE I REMAIN
IN THE DEAD MAN'S POSITION?"
I LOVE WHEN I GO AWAY
AND THE WAITER'S, LIKE,
"WELL, THAT COMES WITH A CHOICE
OF SALAD FOR FRIES."
[laughter]
I'M NOT WEARING SHOES.
I'M NOT WEARING A SHIRT.
I'M DRINKING A BEER.
IT'S 10:15 AM.
FRY ME.
WHEN PEOPLE ON RELATIONSHIPS
GO ON VACATION,
THEY ALWAYS BRING
A LITTLE WORK WITH THEM.
WHY ARE YOU SUCH
A FUCKING BUZZKILL?
EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
TO GET ANY WORK DONE
WHEN YOU GO AWAY.
YOU BRING THAT REPORT
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO READ.
BUT YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING
WITH IT EXCEPT TRANSFER IT
TO A SERIES OF SMALLER BAGS.
IT GOES FROM YOUR SUITCASE
TO YOUR BEACH BAG
TO YOUR BACKPACK
AND THEN DIRECTLY BACK
INTO YOUR BRIEFCASE
TO TAKE TO WORK ON MONDAY.
EXCEPT NOW IT SMELLS
LIKE SUNTAN LOTION AND SORROW.
[laughter]
WHEN PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS
GO ON VACATION,
THEY ALWAYS TAKE
THAT ONE PICTURE
TAKEN FROM THEIR POINT OF VIEW,
SITTING IN A BEACH CHAIR,
LOOKING DOWN PAST THEIR FEET
AT THE OCEAN.
NEWSFLASH: NO ONE WANTS
TO SEE A PICTURE
OF YOUR FUCKING FEET!
WHEN I GO AWAY,
I WILL ONLY SHOW YOU PICTURES
OF SOME CHICK'S TITS,
SOME DUDE PUKING, OR A DONKEY.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
HOPEFULLY ALL IN ONE SHOT.
[laughter]
I HAVE BEEN ALL AROUND THE WORLD
WITH MY SINGLE FRIENDS.
THE CHICKS IN BUENOS AIRES
ARE GORGEOUS, BUT DEVIOUS.
I'D BE, LIKE, ESTA SOLTERA?
"ARE YOU SINGLE?"
AND SHE'D BE, LIKE,
SI, SI, SOLTERA.
"YES, YES, I'M SINGLE."
AND LATER,
I TRY TO TAKE HER HOME.
VAMANOS. "LET'S GO."
[laughter]
THAT'S JUST HOW YOU SAY
"LET'S GO."
[laughter]
AND SHE WAS LIKE, NO,
WHICH MEANS "NO."
[laughter]
AND I WAS LIKE,
POR QUE? "WHY?"
AND SHE'S LIKE, TENGO UN NOVIO.
"I HAVE A BOYFRIEND."
I'M, LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK!
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED
TO SOLTERA?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOLTERA."
IT TURNS OUT
THAT IN ARGENTINA,
"SINGLE" MEANS "UNMARRIED."
SO YOU CAN BE SINGLE
BUT STILL HAVE A BOYFRIEND,
WHICH SUCKS FOR ME.
I GO TO MY BUDDIES,
"I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE
"I JUST BOUGHT A BOTTLE
OF CHAMPAGNE
"FOR A CHICK
WITH A FUCKING BOYFRIEND.
"I'M SO FUCKING PISSED.
THAT COST ME...$6."
[laughter]
THE CHICKS IN SYDNEY
ARE INCREDIBLE.
- WHOO!
- BUT THE--THANKS, MAN.
[laughter]
CHICK FROM SYDNEY
UP THERE IN THE BALCONY.
THE CHICKS IN SYDNEY
ARE INCREDIBLE.
BUT THE PEOPLE IN AUSTRALIA
ARE WAY TOO NICE.
YOU CAN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM
IN A BAR IN SYDNEY
'CAUSE EVERY GUY'S LIKE,
"YOU FIRST, MATE.
NO, YOU FIRST, MATE.
NO, YOU FIRST, MATE."
"SOMEONE FUCKING GO
OR I'M GONNA PISS MYSELF!"
[laughter]
SO I'LL BE TALKING
TO THE HOTTEST,
NICEST CHICK EVER.
AND I'LL BE, LIKE,
"SO, DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?"
AND SHE'S, LIKE,
"OH, ACTUALLY, I DO.
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU."
"NO, NO. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
AAH."
AND THE WORST PART
WAS THAT I DID LOVE HIM.
[laughter]
SO NICE.
AND SO TAN.
90% OF THE CHICKS IN TOKYO
ARE THIN,
HAVE PERFECT SKIN,
DRESS WELL, AND ARE HOT.
AND I LEARNED
A LITTLE JAPANESE.
SO IF I SAW A CUTE CHICK
IN A BAR,
I ROLL UP TO HER AND SAY
[clears throat]
[speaks Japanese]
WHICH TRANSLATES ROUGHLY TO...
'SUP?
[laughter]
SERIOUSLY.
[laughter]
THE PROBLEM IS NOT ONLY
ARE JAPANESE WOMEN
NOT INTO ONE-NIGHT STANDS,
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT IT IS.
IT'S JUST NOT A PART
OF THEIR CULTURE.
BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS.
SO IF I DID MEET A GIRL
WHO SPOKE A LITTLE ENGLISH,
I'D BE, LIKE, "WHY DON'T WE GO
BACK TO MY HOTEL?"
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"WELL, I HAVE MY OWN PLACE."
"ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WE CAN GO TO YOUR PLACE."
SHE WAS LIKE, "WELL, WHY WOULD
YOU COME WITH ME?"
"WELL..."
[laughter]
"BE..."
"'CAUSE, YOU KNOW..."
BUT SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT I WANTED.
AND HOW DO YOU SAY
"ONE-NIGHT STAND" IN CHARADES?
I WAS LIKE, UM...
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
SHE GOT IT.
[laughter]
BACK IN NEW YORK,
UH, ONE OF MY BUDDIES
HAS BEEN HOOKING UP
WITH HIS COWORKER.
BUT THEIR COMPANY ACTUALLY
HAS A VERY STRICT POLICY
ABOUT DOCUMENTING
INTERNAL RELATIONSHIPS.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
MY BUDDY ROLLS
INTO HIS BOSS' OFFICE.
AND IS LIKE, "HEY,
YOU KNOW KATE FROM SALES?
I'M BANGING HER."
AND HIS BOSS WAS LIKE,
"NICE."
[laughter]
'CAUSE GUYS WILL ALWAYS AVOID
DEFINING THEIR RELATIONSHIPS
BECAUSE THERE ARE CERTAIN
BOYFRIEND DUTIES
WE ARE JUST NOT DOWN WITH.
KILLING SPIDERS, UM, NO.
I'M FUCKING TERRIFIED
OF SPIDERS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'LL BE IN THE NEXT ROOM
SCREAMING LIKE A GIRL.
[laughter]
IN FACT,
WHEN THERE ARE NO WOMEN AROUND,
MY PREFERRED METHOD
FOR KILLING SPIDERS
IS THROWING THINGS AT THEM
FROM A SAFE DISTANCE.
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS
TO KILL A SPIDER
FROM TEN FEET AWAY
WITH A TISSUE BOX?
THE WORST IS CHECKING TO SEE
IF YOU GOT IT.
NOTHING IS MORE TERRIFYING
THAN VERIFYING PROOF OF LIFE
ON A SPIDER.
YOU TIPTOE UP TO IT
LIKE IT'S GONNA HEAR YOU.
"FUCKING COCKSUCKER.
"SPIDER BASTARD.
"HOLY SHIT, IT MOVED!
HOLY FUCK!
"WHAT THE--HOLY SHIT.
OH, MY GOD.
"I THINK IT'S A PIECE OF LINT.
IT MIGHT BE A PIECE OF LINT.
"JUST IN CASE, I'M JUST NEVER
GOING TO GO INTO THAT PART
"OF THE APARTMENT AGAIN.
SEAL IT OFF."
WHAT ELSE
DO GIRLFRIENDS ASK ME?
"COULD YOU PICK UP
SOME TAMPONS?"
"UGH, CAN'T YOU JUST ORDER THEM
ONLINE?"
[laughter]
I HAD THIS ONE GIRLFRIEND
WHO WAS OBSESSED
WITH SELLING THINGS
ON CRAIGSLIST.
THE THING WAS,
SHE'D GO TO WORK
AND THEN MAKE ME WAIT
AT HER PLACE
FOR THE GUY WHO BOUGHT THE STUFF
TO COME OVER AND PICK IT UP.
SHE'D BE LIKE,
"I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE
WITH SOME RANDOM STRANGER."
I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE
WITH SOME RANDOM STRANGER!
WHY IS MY LIFE WORTH ANY LESS
THAN YOURS?
BELIEVE ME, THAT DUDE TRIES
TO KILL ME,
I'M JUST GIVE HIM
YOUR CD RACK.
FUCK THAT.
[laughter]
THIS OTHER GIRL I DATED,
IF I DIDN'T PROACTIVELY END
THE CONVERSATION,
SHE WOULD NEVER GET OFF
THE PHONE WITH ME.
IT WAS UP TO HER, SHE'D JUST
TAKE ME ALONG WITH HER ALL DAY
LIKE SOME SORT OF AUDIO-ONLY
REALITY SHOW.
[laughter]
AND YELLING AT A GIRL
JUST NEVER GETS ANYTHING
ACCOMPLISHED.
IT'S SO MUCH MORE EFFICIENT
TO FIGHT VIA TEXT MESSAGE.
YOU'RE FORCED TO COOL DOWN
A LITTLE BIT.
YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE YOUR WORDS
CAREFULLY
SO THAT YOUR ARGUMENT
DOESN'T GET CUT OFF.
AND I CAN'T HELP BUT LAUGH
WHEN A GIRL WRITES ME
"KARO, GO DUCK YOURSELF."
[laughter]
YOU CAN EXPLAIN
TO THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU.
IT'S OKAY.
[laughter]
NOW WE GOT IT.
BUT, UH, YOU KNOW,
LIKE I SAID,
I AM 30 NOW
SO I'VE REALIZED I DO NEED
TO START TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
FOR MY ACTIONS,
WHICH INCLUDES PRACTICING
SAFE SEX.
- WHOO.
- UH, YEAH. UM...
[laughter]
THIS ONE GIRL I'VE
BEEN HOOKING UP WITH
HAS BEEN OUT OF TOWN A LOT,
SO WE'VE ACTUALLY BEEN
EXPERIMENTING WITH PHONE SEX.
BUT IT'S KIND
OF GOTTEN ME CONFUSED
'CAUSE SHE CALLS ME UP, LIKE,
[whispers] "KARO...
I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME
RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW."
AND I'M LIKE,
"OKAY--UH--
"[whispers] OKAY.
"UH, I'M KISSING YOUR NECK.
"I'M STROKING THE INSIDE
OF YOUR THIGH.
"AND NOW I'M RUNNING
ACROSS THE STREET
TO BUY CONDOMS
AT THE GAS STATION."
[laughter]
I NEVER KNOW HOW REALISTIC
I'M SUPPOSED TO GET.
[laughter]
PHONE SEX ON A CELL PHONE
IS THE WORST.
I'M, LIKE,
[whispers] "OH, YEAH.
"DOES THAT FEEL GOOD?
"HELLO?
"[normal voice] HELLO?
FUCK."
CALL HER BACK.
"HEY, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
"NO, I HAVE, LIKE,
FOUR BARS.
"NO, IT'S DEFINITELY
NOT MY PHONE.
"NO. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING
YOU HEARD ME SAY?
"'I LOVE YOUR ASS'?
"THAT WAS, LIKE,
FIVE MINUTES AGO.
"SO BASICALLY I'VE BEEN
TALKING DIRTY TO MYSELF
AND MASTURBATING."
[laughter]
AND WHEN THINGS GET, LIKE,
REALLY INTENSE ON THE PHONE--
YOU GUYS ALL RIGHT?
JESUS. HOW MUCH PHONE SEX
DO YOU GUYS HAVE?
[laughter]
BUT, UH, SOMETIMES WHEN THINGS
GET REALLY INTENSE ON THE PHONE,
I FIND MYSELF HAVING TROUBLE--
DO THE PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE
HAVE TO PISS
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOW?
THERE SHOULD BE SOME SORT
OF THING.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.
LIKE, LET'S PICK THE PEOPLE
WITH THE SMALLEST BLADDER,
AND THEN SIT THEM DEAD CENTER
IN FRONT OF ALL FIVE CAMERAS
AND MY EYELINE.
IT WORKS. BOO.
[cheers and applause]
[sighs]
IT'S ALWAYS THE COUPLES.
DON'T THEY JUST FUCK UP
YOUR WHOLE LIFE SOMETIMES?
[cheers and applause]
THEY'RE IN THE WAY.
IN THE STREET. IN LINE.
YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THEM TALK
ON THE TRAIN
AND WHINE--
THEY'RE ALWAYS CRYING.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO ORDER.
THEY'RE SLOW.
THEY'VE NEVER BEEN
ON AN AIRPLANE BEFORE.
SHE'S WEARING UGGS
ALL THE TIME.
[laughter]
SHE DOESN'T TELL HIM
THAT A POPPED COLLAR
IS DOUCHE BAGGY.
[laughter]
HA HA HA.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
SO THEN
WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?
OH, THE PHONE SEX.
THOSE HORNDOGS OVER THERE.
RIGHT.
SOMETIMES WHEN THINGS
GET REALLY INTENSE ON THE PHONE,
I FIND MYSELF KIND OF UNABLE
TO KEEP THINGS STRAIGHT
IN MY HEAD.
LIKE, I'LL BE, LIKE,
"[whispers] OH, YEAH.
"YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT?
YEAH? FEEL GOOD? YEAH?
"YEAH, I WANT YOUR COCK
IN MY PUSSY.
"[normal voice]
WAIT, WAIT.
[laughter]
"FUCK. SHIT.
"DAMN IT.
FUCK."
NOW, GUYS,
GUYS, I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH
HOW IMPORTANT IT IS
FOR YOU TO MAKE SURE
THAT EVERY SINGLE TIME
YOU SLEEP WITH A WOMAN,
SHE HAS AN ORGASM, ALL RIGHT?
[cheers and applause]
[man boos]
[laughter]
BECAUSE FUCKING CHICKS
IS A REFERRAL BUSINESS.
[laughter]
YOU MAKE A GIRL COME.
SHE TELLS TEN FRIENDS.
THAT'S EXCELLENT
WORD OF MOUTH.
[laughter]
NOW, LADIES,
IF YOU'RE THE TYPE OF GIRL
WHO HAS A VERY SUBTLE ORGASM,
WHO DOESN'T REALLY YELL
AND SCREAM,
IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY--
NAY, YOUR SOLEMN DUTY--
TO TELL THE GUY
HE JUST MADE YOU COME.
OTHERWISE, HOW THE HELL
ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
WHAT, AM I THE FUCKING
PUSSY WHISPERER?
[laughter]
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING
ABOUT HOW YOU WANT TO HAVE
A SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM.
CAN I PLEASE JUST HAVE
MY OWN ORGASM?
YOU GET A WHOLE BUNCH.
I ONLY GET ONE AT THE END.
IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'D LIKE TO ENJOY MINE
WITHOUT WORRYING
ABOUT GETTING YOU OFF
AT THE EXACT SAME TIME.
YOU SEE,
GUYS GIVE GIRLS ORGASMS.
IT'S A MANUAL PROCEDURE.
MEDIUM THRUST. CHECK.
PLAY WITH HER CLIT. CHECK.
TEASE HER ASSHOLE. CHECK.
AND WE HAVE LIFT-OFF.
BUT GIRLS DON'T GIVE GUYS
ORGASMS.
THE MALE ORGASM IS LIKE FLYING
ON AUTOPILOT.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO,
I'M GOING TO GET
WHERE I'M GOING EVENTUALLY.
[laughter]
[scattered cheers
and applause]
THANK YOU.
I'VE FAKED AN ORGASM.
SURE. GUYS CAN DO IT.
IF I'M, LIKE, REALLY WASTED,
I JUST WANT
TO CUT MY LOSSES...
[laughter]
[scattered cheers
and applause]
ALL I DO IS THROW IN A GRUNT...
UGH...
AND ROLL CLEAR.
WORKS LIKE A CHARM.
I RECENTLY HOOKED UP
WITH THIS GIRL WHO'S 22.
UH...
[cheers]
BUT SINCE I'M 30,
I HAVE BEEN HAVING
SOME RESERVATIONS
ABOUT HER AGE.
I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE, I FEEL LIKE SHE MAY BE
TOO OLD FOR ME.
[laughter]
I GO TO THIS GIRL.
I'M, LIKE, "OH, YOU GOT TO MEET
MY BEST FRIEND CLAUDIO.
"I'VE KNOWN HIM SINCE
BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
"OH, MY GOD.
I'M NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING.
I'M SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW."
I WAS LIKE,
"WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,
FACEBOOK WAS A BOOK."
[laughter]
THE WEIRD THING THOUGH
IS THAT THE PAST FEW GIRLS
I'VE FUCKED HAVE ALL BEEN
PRETTY SIMILAR,
THEY'RE JUST GETTING
PROGRESSIVELY YOUNGER.
LIKE, FIRST, I HOOKED UP
WITH A SMART, CUTE BRUNETTE
WHO WAS MY AGE.
THEN I HOOKED UP
WITH A SMART, CUTE BRUNETTE
WHO'S FOUR YEARS YOUNGER.
NOW I'M HOOKING UP
WITH A SMART, CUTE BRUNETTE
WHO'S EIGHT YEARS YOUNGER.
IT'S LIKE BANGING
BENJAMIN BUTTON.
[laughter]
NO WHAT MATTER HER AGE THOUGH,
WHEN I GO HOME WITH A GIRL,
THERE IS ONE SITUATION
WHICH IS AN ABSOLUTE,
WORST-CASE SCENARIO
AND THAT
IS IF SHE HAS A PET.
NOT BECAUSE I'M ALLERGIC.
BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE
ALL ANIMALS.
[cheers]
I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T CARE
IF IT'S A DOG OR A CAT
OR A BIRD OR A GERBIL,
GET IT OUT
OF MY FUCKING FACE!
IT'S NOT NORMAL
FOR PEOPLE TO HAVE ANIMALS
RUNNING AROUND THEIR HOUSE!
IT SMELLS AND IT'S GROSS!
AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
WHAT YOU NAMED THEM AFTER!
AND I'M SORRY I CALLED IT
A HE WHEN IT'S A SHE
OR A SHE WHEN IT'S A HE!
AND, NO, A CAT ISN'T
THE CLEANEST ANIMAL THERE IS!
IT SHITS IN A FUCKING BOX
IN THE KITCHEN!
GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
[cheers and applause]
I HATE ANIMALS!
I CAN BARELY STAND HUMANS.
HALF THE CROWD HATES ME NOW,
BUT THE OTHER HALF
THINKS I'M A HERO.
[cheers and applause]
THE TRUTH IS THOUGH
A LOT OF MY FRIENDS
WHO ARE MARRIED ACTUALLY MET
THEIR HUSBANDS OR WIVES
IN WHAT BEGAN
AS A ONE-NIGHT STAND
AND THEN JUST BLOSSOMED
INTO A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.
THEREFORE IT'S REASONABLE
TO ASSUME
THAT THAT'S HOW I'LL MEET
MY FUTURE WIFE AS WELL.
[laughter]
SO I FIGURE THE NEXT TIME
I TRY TO TAKE A GIRL HOME
FROM THE BAR AND SHE OBJECTS
ASKING "WHAT KIND OF GIRL
DO YOU THINK I AM?"
I CAN RESPOND "WELL, I GUESS
NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL."
[laughter]
THE BEST WAY TO SUM UP
BEING SINGLE AND 30 IS THIS:
GIRLS ARE DESPERATE FOR GUYS
TO GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE,
BUT GUYS ARE STILL DESPERATE
FOR GIRLS
TO GET DOWN ON BOTH KNEES.
[cheers and applause]
I HAVE SOME BUDDIES
WHO'VE BEEN DATING
THEIR GIRLFRIENDS,
LIKE, FOREVER.
BUT THEY REFUSE TO GET ENGAGED
BECAUSE THEY'RE CONVINCED
THEY CAN STILL DO BETTER.
MY BUDDY'S, LIKE, "LISTEN,
LINDSEY'S GREAT.
I JUST WISH I MET HER
FIVE YEARS FROM NOW."
I'M, LIKE, "DUDE, IN CASE
YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,
"YOU PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL.
"YOU'RE LUCKY
LINDSEY WILL STILL HAVE YOU.
"YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
"IN FACT, IF I WERE YOU,
I'D BE QUESTIONING
"WHY YOU'RE EVEN DATING A GIRL
WHO WOULD FUCK SOMEONE
WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU."
[laughter]
NOW, MY ENGAGED FRIENDS KNOW
THAT IF THEY INVITE ME
TO THEIR WEDDING,
I CONSIDER IT
A SERIOUS HONOR.
I WILL PURCHASE
A PLANE TICKET.
I WILL GET MY TUX DRY-CLEANED.
I WILL SHOW UP ON TIME
AND PROCEED
TO GET FUCKING WASTED!
[cheers and applause]
BECAUSE I'M CELEBRATING
THE FACT
THAT I'M NOT GETTING
FUCKING MARRIED.
[cheers and applause]
FIRST OF ALL, I WISH THE LITTLE
PROGRAM THAT YOU GET
WHEN YOU ARRIVED
AT THE CEREMONY
INCLUDED NOT ONLY
THE BRIDESMAIDS' NAMES
BUT ALSO
THEIR RELATIONSHIP STATUS,
WEAKNESSES,
AND SEXUAL PROCLIVITIES.
[cheers and applause]
IT WOULD BE SOMETHING LIKE
"MELINDA KNOWS THE BRIDE
FROM CAMP.
"IS 31. RECENTLY SINGLE.
"AND IF SHE HAS MORE THAN FOUR
GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE,
WILL TOUCH YOUR DICK
BY THE MAIN COURSE."
[laughter]
"HELLO, MELINDA."
AND, LISTEN, ENGAGED PEOPLE,
DO ME A FAVOR,
IF YOU'RE GONNA SIT ME
AT THE SINGLES TABLE,
MAKE SURE THERE AREN'T ANY
FUCKING COUPLES SITTING THERE!
THIS IS MY TABLE!
LAST WEDDING I WENT TO,
I WAS SITTING
WITH FOUR COUPLES
AND THE GROOM'S
PERSONAL TRAINER.
[laughter]
IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT
THAT I REALIZED
I WAS THE SECOND-TO-LAST PERSON
INVITED TO THAT WEDDING.
[laughter]
THE FINAL CUTS WERE ME
AND THEN THE PERSONAL TRAINER.
PLUS THE GROOM
WAS FAT AS SHIT.
WHY ARE YOU INVITING
YOUR TRAINER IF HE SUCKS?
[laughter]
NOW, WEDDINGS ARE,
OF COURSE,
AN APPROXIMATELY FIVE-HOUR
OPEN BAR.
IT'S A FUCKING BLOODBATH.
NOW, PERSONALLY,
I AM PROUD OF THE FACT
THAT I HAVE NEVER ONCE
BEEN SOBER ENOUGH
TO WITNESS THE CUTTING,
SERVING, OR CONSUMING
OF THE WEDDING CAKE.
[applause]
EVERY SINGLE WEDDING
I'VE EVER BEEN TO, I'M, LIKE...
"WHERE THE FUCK
DID YOU GET THAT CAKE?
[laughter]
[groans]
"YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT,
PERSONAL TRAINER?
YOU LIKE THOSE CARBS?
AGH AGH AGH."
SOMETIMES I'LL GO TO ONE
OF MY BOYS' WEDDINGS
AND THEN AFTERWARDS
GET A THANK YOU NOTE
THAT'S OBVIOUSLY WRITTEN
BY THE WIFE
WHO I'M NOT
REALLY FRIENDS WITH.
AND IT'S ALWAYS WRITTEN
IN THAT REALLY NEAT,
GIRLY HANDWRITING
THAT BARELY CONCEALS THE FACT
THAT SHE FUCKING HATES ME.
[laughter]
IT'S, LIKE, "DEAR KARO,
"THANK YOU FOR BEING A PART
OF OUR WEDDING
AND NOT VOMITING
UNTIL AFTER THE CEREMONY."
[laughter]
"YOU'RE WELCOME."
[laughter]
"WE REALLY APPRECIATE
THE SHOT GLASSES YOU GOT US
AS WELL AS THREE OF THE FOUR
NAPKIN RINGS WE REGISTERED FOR."
[laughter]
FUCK IT.
"ALSO, THANK YOU FOR ORGANIZING
THE BACHELOR PARTY FOR JOHN.
"BY THE WAY, HE ADMITTED TO ME
THAT YOU PAID
FOR A STRIPPER TO BLOW HIM."
[scattered applause
and laughter]
"WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?"
[laughter]
"ALSO,
WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE,
"PLEASE PICK UP
YOUR TUX PANTS,
"WHICH FOR SOME REASON
THE CATERER FOUND
"IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM.
[laughter]
PS, MELINDA SAYS HI."
[laughter]
NOW, I'M ACTUALLY NOT THAT BIG
INTO STRIP CLUBS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
A BACHELOR PARTY TRADITION
SO I'LL GO.
I'LL LOOK AT TITTIES.
BUT I WON'T LIKE IT.
I'LL TOUCH THE TITTIES.
IT'S LIKE A PETTING ZOO.
AND I LOVE HOW SOME WOMEN
THINK THEIR FIANCE
ISN'T GOING TO A STRIP CLUB
FOR HIS BACHELOR PARTY.
THIS ONE GIRL TOLD ME
"OH, HE'S NOT INTO THAT KIND
OF THING.
HE'S GOING CAMPING INSTEAD."
[laughter]
HONEY, WHEN YOUR FIANCE
TELLS YOU
HE'S GOING AWAY
WITH HIS TEN BEST FRIENDS
FOR THREE DAYS WITHOUT CELL
OR INTERNET SERVICE,
HE'S GOING TO A WHORE HOUSE.
[laughter]
AND I FEEL LIKE MY FRIENDS'
WIVES ARE ALWAYS NERVOUS
THAT THEIR HUSBANDS ARE GOING
TO A BACHELOR PARTY
AND I'M GONNA BE THERE.
LADIES,
I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU,
AT EVERY BACHELOR PARTY,
THERE ARE TWO FACTIONS
THE SINGLE GUYS
AND THE MARRIED GUYS.
YOU KNOW WHICH ONES
ARE CRAZIER?
THE MARRIED GUYS.
A MARRIED GUY
AT A BACHELOR PARTY
IS LIKE A RABID TASMANIAN DEVIL
ON METHAMPHETAMINES
LACED WITH CIALIS.
"OH, MY GOD.
FUCKING TITS AND LAP DANCES.
"I'M SO FUCKED UP.
IT'S 7:00 IN THE MORNING.
KARO, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?"
I'M, LIKE, "DUDE, THIS IS
WHAT MY LIFE IS NORMALLY LIKE."
[laughter]
IN FACT,
AT MOST BACHELOR PARTIES
I'VE BEEN TO,
IT'S ALWAYS THE MARRIED GUY
WHO, LIKE, RESEARCHES
THE STRIP CLUB AHEAD OF TIME.
AND THEN SHOWS UP IN ADIDAS
WARM-UP PANTS.
NO UNDERWEAR.
[ohs and laughter]
I SEE SOME OF YOU
ARE UNFAMILIAR.
IT'S A GREAT MOVE.
IT'S PRACTICALLY PENETRATION.
SOME OF THE DUDES
ARE LIKE, "I KNOW THAT GUY."
[laughter]
SOME OF THE DUDES ARE LIKE,
"I AM THAT GUY."
[laughter]
AND THE REST OF YOU ARE LIKE,
"THAT'S THE SINGLE GREATEST IDEA
I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE."
[laughter]
[scattered cheers
and applause]
BUT, UH, I AM FRIENDS
WITH THIS ONE COUPLE.
THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED
FOR A YEAR,
BUT THEY STILL USE CONDOMS
BECAUSE SHE'S ALLERGIC
TO BIRTH CONTROL.
THE PILL JUST DOESN'T AGREE
WITH HER.
FIRST OF ALL,
WORST ALLERGY EVER.
THAT'S LIKE BEING ALLERGIC
TO FUN.
[laughter]
AND MY FRIEND'S ALWAYS LIKE
"OH, MY HUSBAND'S
SUCH A TROOPER."
I'M, LIKE, "I DON'T THINK
YOU UNDERSTAND.
HE FUCKING HATES YOU."
[laughter]
BUT I THINK THE FACT
THAT THEY STILL USE CONDOMS
DEMONSTRATES THE EXTENT
TO WHICH SOME PEOPLE WILL GO
TO MAKE SURE
THEY DON'T HAVE KIDS
AND RUIN THEIR LIVES.
[laughter]
NOW, THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN
A LOT OF PRESSURE ON ME
IN MY FAMILY TO HAVE KIDS
BECAUSE I'M THE LAST
MALE KARO.
I'M THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN CARRY ON THE KARO NAME.
WHEN SHE WAS STILL ALIVE,
MY GRANDMA ALWAYS USED
TO SAY TO ME
"AARON, YOU GOT TO HAVE
FOUR BOYS.
"YOU GOT TO PROMISE
YOU'LL HAVE FOUR SONS
TO MAKE SURE THEY CARRY ON
THE NAME."
AND I'D BE, LIKE,
"GRANDMA, I'M SIX.
[laughter]
I DON'T EVEN LIKE GIRLS."
AND NOW MY MOM IS SO DESPERATE
FOR GRANDCHILDREN,
SHE ACTUALLY TOLD MY DAD
SHE'D BE FINE WITH IT
IF I HAD A KID
OUT OF WEDLOCK.
THANKS FOR THE VOTE
OF CONFIDENCE, MOM.
THE ONLY UPSIDE
IS THAT IF I MEET A CHICK
AT A BAR
AND SHE'S DOWN TO FUCK,
BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY CONDOMS,
I CAN BE, LIKE, "DON'T WORRY,
MY MOM SAID IT'S OKAY."
[laughter]
I MEAN, JESUS, MOM.
YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK.
I LIVE IN L.A.
WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE
OF YOUR BASTARD GRANDCHILD?
NOT I.
I WON'T EVEN BUY
MICROWAVABLE SOUP
UNLESS IT'S THE KIND
YOU CAN EAT DIRECTLY OUT OF.
WHAT? USE A CAN OPENER?
THEN POUR IT INTO A BOWL?
TOO MUCH WORK.
I'LL STARVE.
THE KID WON'T MAKE IT TO TWO.
[laughter]
WHEN I TURNED 30 THIS YEAR,
MY DAD GAVE ME A PICTURE
OF HIM WHEN HE WAS 30.
AND HE WAS SITTING
IN HIS BACKYARD
HOLDING BABY ME IN HIS LAP.
HE OWNED A HOUSE
AND RAISED A NEWBORN.
I RENT A ONE-BEDROOM
AND I'M AFRAID
OF THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.
[laughter]
IF A SPIDER EVER CRAWLS
INTO THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL,
GAME OVER,
I JUST MOVE OUT.
[laughter]
AND LISTENING
TO PREGNANT PEOPLE TALK
ABOUT THEIR UNBORN CHILDREN
IS JUST TORTURE.
I MEAN, HOW LONG
UNTIL SOMEONE JUST CREATES
A FACEBOOK PAGE
FOR THEIR FETUS?
[laughter]
SONOGRAM
FOR A PROFILE PICTURE.
- YES.
FAVORITE MOVIE:
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING."
[laughter]
BIRTHDAY:
HOPEFULLY SOON.
ACTIVITIES AND INTERESTS:
MITOSIS.
[laughter]
STATUS: JUST CHECKING OUT
MY NEW COCK.
[laughter]
"L-L-O-L."
I'M JUST NOWHERE NEAR READY
FOR ANY OF THIS, YOU KNOW?
A FEW OF MY FRIENDS
ARE PREGNANT NOW.
AND IT'S JUST WEIRD
FOR ME TO THINK
ABOUT HOW OLD THEIR KIDS
ARE GOING TO BE
BY THE TIME
I ACTUALLY HAVE KIDS.
LIKE, I REALLY LOOK
AT EACH OF MY FRIEND'S NEWBORNS
AS A POTENTIAL BABY-SITTER.
OR A DATE.
[laughter and ohs]
[scattered applause]
HA HA.
ONE OF MY HIGH SCHOOL BUDDIES
JUST MARRIED A WOMAN
WHO ALREADY HAS A KID.
I COULD NEVER DO THAT.
IF THIS RELATIONSHIP
IS GOING TO HAVE
AN IMMATURE WHINER
WHO VOMITS WITHOUT WARNING,
IT'S GONNA BE ME.
I'M SORRY, SINGLE MOMS,
BUT YOUR KID
IS A DEAL BREAKER.
I WON'T EVEN DATE A GIRL
WHO LIVES MORE THAN FIVE BLOCKS
AWAY FROM ME.
I WON'T DATE A RED SOX FAN.
I WON'T DATE A SMOKER.
[crowd commotion and boos]
SORRY.
I WON'T DATE A SOX FAN.
I WON'T DATE A SMOKER.
I WON'T DATE A GIRL
WHO DOESN'T DRINK.
I WON'T DATE A GIRL
WITH A HOTMAIL ACCOUNT.
[laughter]
I WON'T EVEN DATE A GIRL
WITH A ROOMMATE,
LET ALONE ONE THAT WEARS DIAPERS
AND DOESN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP.
[laughter]
AND I HATE HOW NEW PARENTS
ALWAYS USE THEIR KID
AS AN EXCUSE.
"WELL, I'D LOVE TO MAKE IT,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I'VE GOT THE TWO-YEAR-OLD
AT HOME. HA HA HA HA."
GO FUCK YOURSELF.
[laughter and applause]
MY OLD BOSS, WHEN I USED
TO WORK ON WALL STREET,
HAD THIS CUTE
LITTLE DAUGHTER.
AND HE'D ALWAYS TELL ME
HOW SHE'D GET
INTO THIS JAR OF CANDY
THAT SHE AND HIS WIFE KEPT
IN THE KITCHEN.
SO FINALLY THEY MOVED THE JAR
TO THE TOP OF THE FRIDGE
SO THE GIRL
COULDN'T GET TO IT.
THEN HE TELLS ME
THAT WHEN HE AND HIS WIFE
WEREN'T WATCHING,
THIS LITTLE GIRL
GOES INTO THE BATHROOM,
PEELS UP THE BATH MAT
FROM THE TUB,
CARRIES IT
INTO THE KITCHEN,
PULLS OUT ALL THE DRAWERS
AND ONE OF THE CABINETS,
USES THEM AS MAKESHIFT STAIRS
TO CLIMB ONTO THE COUNTER.
USES THE BATH MAT AS TRACTION
TO CLIMB ONTO A SMALL SHELF.
FROM THE SHELF JUMPS THE TOP
OF THE FRIDGE.
GOT TO THE CANDY JAR.
I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S NOT
A THREE-YEAR-OLD.
THAT'S A VELOCIRAPTOR."
[laughter]
I, UH--I HAVE HAD
A PREGNANCY SCARE IN MY LIFE.
UH, HAPPENED A FEW YEARS AGO
BACK WHEN I WAS STILL LIVING
IN NEW YORK.
AND MY GIRLFRIEND AT THE TIME
CAME OVER TO MY PLACE
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"I'M LATE."
AND I WAS LIKE, "ACTUALLY,
YOU'RE KIND OF EARLY.
I WAS GONNA JERK OFF
BEFORE YOU GO THERE."
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"NO, NO, NO.
I'M LATE."
"OH.
OH."
AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT
TO MYSELF "OH, MY GOD.
"I'VE ONLY BEEN DATING THIS GIRL
FOR, LIKE, FOUR MONTHS.
"I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE FEELS
ABOUT ABORTION.
[scattered applause]
[scattered cheers]
SO SHE MAKES ME GO TO CVS
AT, LIKE, 11:00 AT NIGHT
TO GET THE PREGNANCY TEST.
[laughter]
NOW THERE ARE TWO TYPES
OF WALKS
WHEN YOU'RE GOING THROUGH CVS
LOOKING FOR A PREGNANCY TEST.
THERE'S...
[singing] GONNA HAVE A KID
WITH MY LOVE WHO I LOVE
AND WE'RE READY
[laughter]
[cheers]
AND THERE WAS MY WALK.
[humming Star Wars'
The Imperial March]
$24.99?
WHAT THE FUCK?
[laughter]
[continues humming
The Imperial March]
OOH, GENERIC BRAND.
[laughter]
AND I GO TO CHECK OUT
AND THE CASHIER MUST NOT HAVE
SEEN THE LOOK ON MY FACE
'CAUSE SHE WAS LIKE,
"GOOD LUCK.
[laughter]
"DO YOU HAVE A CVS CARD?"
"NO.
JUST--JUST--JUST THIS."
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO APPLY
FOR A CVS CARD?"
"OH, GOD, PLEASE, WHY?
UGH."
SO I APPLY FOR THE CVS CARD.
[laughter]
I BRING THE TEST HOME.
MY GIRLFRIEND PEES
ON THE STICK.
AND CAN I JUST SAY:
IS THIS THE BEST TECHNOLOGY
WE CAN COME UP WITH?
PEEING ON A STICK?
I CAN'T ACCURATELY PISS
ON ANYTHING
AND I HAVE MANUAL CONTROL.
[laughter]
THEN THEY MAKE YOU WAIT
THE LONGEST THREE MINUTES
OF YOUR LIFE
AND THE RESULTS
COULD NOT BE MORE UNCLEAR.
TRYING TO INTERPRET THE RESULTS
OF A PREGNANCY TEST
IS LIKE BEING IN A DIVE BAR
AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHICH ONE'S THE GUY'S BATHROOM
BY LOOKING AT THE PICTURES
ON THE DOORS.
ONE'S LIKE A CAT
IN A TOP HAT.
THE OTHER'S A TURTLE
IN A TUXEDO.
WHICH ONE'S WHICH?
A PREGNANCY TEST
SHOULD ONLY HAVE TWO RESULTS:
"YOU'RE FUCKED"
AND "KEEP ON FUCKING."
- YEAH! WHOO!
- WHOO!
[applause]
- SO THANKFULLY,
SHE WASN'T PREGNANT
AND SHE ENDED UP GETTING
HER PERIOD THE NEXT DAY.
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MAN.
WHEW! I NEVER WANT
TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN."
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "WELL,
EVEN THOUGH I'M ON THE PILL,
"MAYBE FOR A LITTLE WHILE,
JUST TO BE SAFE,
WE SHOULD USE CONDOMS TOO."
AND I WAS LIKE,
"MMMMMM...
"NAAAAH. FUCK IT.
"I'LL RISK IT.
"IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
BESIDES,
NOW I HAVE A CVS CARD."
[laughter]
[applause]
NOW, AS A COMEDIAN,
OBVIOUSLY, I TRAVEL A LOT.
I'M ON A PLANE LIKE EVERY DAY.
AND THE ONE THING...
THAT I FUCKING HATE
MORE THAN ANYTHING
IS WHEN FAMILIES ASK ME
TO SWITCH SEATS
TO ACCOMMODATE THEM.
"WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?
"YOU'D LIKE TO SWITCH SEATS
WITH ME
"'CAUSE YOU'RE SEPARATED
FROM YOUR KID?
"WELL, LET ME SEE
HOW I CAN MAKE THIS CLEAR.
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
"LISTEN, BUDDY, I TOOK THE TIME
TO CHECK IN ONLINE,
"CHOOSE EXACTLY THE SEAT
I WANTED,
"AND PRINT MY BOARDING PASS
AT HOME.
"NOW YOU EXPECT ME
TO SACRIFICE MY OWN COMFORT
"JUST BECAUSE YOU FORGOT
TO PULL OUT?
"NOT A CHANCE!
[cheers and applause]
"NOT A CHANCE!
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU,
AND YOUR WIFE,
"AND YOUR NEWBORN BABY
"ARE SITTING NOWHERE NEAR
EACH OTHER.
"YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT
AHEAD OF TIME, MOTHER FUCKER.
"FUCK YOU.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY SEAT.
I AM LIKE THE ROSA PARKS
OF THIS PLANE."
[cheers and applause]
NOW, BOSTON, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE TONIGHT.
BUT BEFORE I LET YOU GO,
I WANT TO LEAVE YOU
WITH A LITTLE BIT OF HOMEWORK.
- KARO!
- WHOO!
- YEAH!
- YOU SEE, THE THINGS IS,
DESPITE ALL MY WARNINGS
AND ADVICE,
A FEW OF MY FRIENDS
RECENTLY GOT ENGAGED.
BUT I'VE COME UP WITH A PLAN
TO MAKE THEIR WEDDINGS MORE FUN.
SO MY RULE, WHICH I HOPE
YOU WILL HELP SPREAD
ACROSS THE COUNTRY,
IS THAT YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO GIVE A SPEECH
UNLESS YOU TELL
THE TRUE STORY
OF HOW THE BRIDE AND GROOM
ACTUALLY MET.
[cheers and applause]
BECAUSE LET'S BE HONEST,
THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD REALLY
BE LIKE...
"I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
"TO CELEBRATE WITH RACHEL
AND SCOTT.
"RACHEL AND SCOTT
MET IN A BAR.
"RACHEL SPILLED A DRINK ON SCOTT
BECAUSE SHE WAS SO FUCKED UP
"FROM PARTYING WITH HER FRIENDS
WHO WERE VISITING
"FOR THE LONG WEEKEND.
"SCOTT TOOK RACHEL HOME.
"BUT HE ALMOST BAILED
WHEN HE FOUND OUT
"SHE HAS A CAT.
"NOT ONLY IS HE ALLERGIC
TO CATS, BUT HE HATES CATS
"BECAUSE CATS
ARE THE FUCKING WORST.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
"AND THE STORY
ALMOST ENDED THERE.
"BUT THANKFULLY, SCOTT STAYED
BECAUSE HE TOO WAS WASTED.
"THE RESULT
OF AN ILL-ADVISED SHOT
"THAT WAS FOLLOWED
BY THE BANG OF A GONG.
"SO RACHEL AND SCOTT
HOOKED UP.
"RACHEL WENT DOWN ON SCOTT,
"WHICH WAS NOT SURPRISING
GIVEN THAT SHE'S A CAPRICORN.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
AND THE REST IS HISTORY."
BOSTON!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
FUCK ME.
[cheers and applause]
LET'S GET WASTED!
THANK YOU, GUYS.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
[hard rock music]