A Very Potter Musical (2009) - full transcript
A Very Potter Musical is a parody of the Harry Potter movies and it follows Harry (Criss), Ron (Richter) and Hermione (Gruesen) in their second year at school. At Hogwarts, Professor Quirrell, the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, reinstates an old tournament, the House Cup. Four students, one from Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin and Gryffindor are chosen as the 'champions' and have to perform in life-threatening tasks in order to win the House Cup. However, Quirrell is under the command of the evil Lord Voldemort and is helping Voldemort return to his own body, rather than being attached to Quirrells soul. In order to kill Lord Voldemort, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny must find Voldemorts horcruxes and destroy them before Voldemort takes over the wizarding world.
Underneath these stairs I hear the sneers and
feel the glares of my cousin,
my uncle, and my aunt
I can't believe how cruel they are
and it stings my lightning scar to know they'll never
ever give me what I want
I know I don't deserve these
stupid rules made by the Dursleys here on
Privet Drive
I can't take all of these muggles
but despite all of my struggles
I'm still alive
I'm sick of summer and this waiting around
man it's September and I'm skipping this town
Hey it's no mystery
there's nothing here for me now
I gotta get back to Hogwarts
I gotta get back to school
I gotta get myself to Hogwarts
Where everybody knows I'm cool
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love and it's all that I need at
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
I think I'm going back
I'll see my friends gonna laugh 'till we cry
Take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky
No way this year anyone's gonna die
and it's gonna be totally awesome
I'll cast some spells with the flick of my wand
Defeat the Dark Arts, yeah bring it on
and do it all with my best friend Ron
'cause together we're totally awesome
Ron: Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome!
Did somebody say Ron Weasley?
Harry: What's up buddy?
Ron: Hey, what's up?
Harry: What's up buddy?
Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here
Harry: What's up buddy?
Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here
I had to go get some... Floo Powder
but uh, we gotta get going- come on get your trunk let's go
Where we going?
To Diagon Alley of course!
Harry: Cool!
Ron: Come on!
Harry: Cool!
Ron: Come on!
Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power!
It's been so long, but we're going back
Don't go for work, don't go there for class
As long as we're together, gonna kick some ass
and it's gonna be totally awesome!
This year we'll take everybody by storm
stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm
Hermione: But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class
if we want to pass our O.W.L.s
God Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzzkill?
Because guys, school's not all about having fun
We need to study hard if we want to be good witches and wizards
I may be frumpy but I'm super smart
Check out my grades, they're A's for a start!
What I lack in looks well I make up in heart
and well guys, yeah that's totally awesome!
This year I plan to study a lot
Ron: That would be cool if you were actually hot!
Harry: Hey Ron, come on, we're the only friend's that she's got
Harry: And that's cool
Hermione: And that's totally awesome
Harry: And that's cool
Yeah, it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!
We're sick of summer and this waiting around
it's like we're sitting in the lost and found
Don't take no sorcery for anyone to see how
We gotta get back to Hogwarts!
We gotta get back to school
We gotta get back to Hogwarts
Where everything is magic-cooool
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love and it's all that I need at
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
I think we're going back
Ginny: Ron...!
You're supposed to take me to Madame Malkin's and use those sickles mom gave you for my robe fitting!
Harry: Uh who's this?
This is stupid little dumb sister Ginny. She's a freshmen.
Ginny, this is Harry. Harry Potter
This is Harry Potter
You're Harry Potter... you're The Boy Who Lived
Yeah, and you're Ginny
It's Ginevra
Cool... Ginny's fine
Stupid sister!
Don't crowd the famous friend
Hermione: Hey, do you guys hear music or something?
Harry: Music? What are you talking about?
Ron: Yeah, someone's coming
Harry: Music? What are you talking about?
Ron: Yeah, someone's coming
Harry: Someone's coming...
Cho Chang!
Domo arigato. Cho Chang!
Gung Hey Fat, Choy Chang
Happy, happy New Year
Cho Chang!
Ginny: Whoa... who's that?
Harry: That's Cho Chang
Ron: That's the girl Harry's totally been in love with since freshmen year
Hermione: Yeah but he won't say anything to her
Ron: Well yeah, you never tell a girl you like her it makes you look like an idiot
Ginny: Konnichiwa Cho Chang
It is good to meet you. I am Ginny Weasley
Bitch I ain't Cho Chang!
That's Lavender Brown!
Racist sister!
Harry: Racist, yeah that's racist
Racist sister!
Harry: Racist, yeah that's racist
Hey, it's alright!
I'm Cho Chang y'all
Harry: She is totally perfect!
Ron: Yeah, too bad she's dating Cedric Diggory though, huh?
What? Who the hell is Cedric Diggory?
What is that? Who is that guy?
Cedric: Cho Chang...
I am so in love, with Cho Chang
from Bangkok to Ding Dang
I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang
Harry: I hate that guy! I hate him!
Ron: So are we gonna get those robes or not?
Ginny: Okay alright I'm going!
Ron: God sister!
Ginny: Okay alright I'm going!
Ron: God sister!
Goyle: Present your arm nerd!
Neville: W-what what why?
Goyle: Indian Burn Hex!
Ron: Crabbe and Goyle...
Harry: Hey, hey why don't you leave Neville Longbottom alone, huh?
Ginny: Are you okay?
Harry: Hey, hey why don't you leave Neville Longbottom alone, huh?
Harry: Hey, hey why don't you leave Neville Longbottom alone, huh?
Goyle: Well, well, well if it isn't Harry Potter
You think all because you're famous, you can boss everyone around!
Harry: No I just don't think it's cool for guys of your size to be picking on guys like Neville, come on!
Oh well you know what I think?
I think glasses are for nerds!
Break!
We hate nerds!
Crabbe: And girls!
We hate nerds!
Ron: Well you asked for it
You don't mess with Harry Potter, he beat the Dark Lord when he was a baby!
Hermione: Alright, everyone just calm down
Oculus Reparo!
Whoa cool!
Now let's leave these big baby childish jerks alone!
Did someone say Draco Malfoy?
Harry: What do you want, Draco?
Draco: Crabbe, Goyle
Be a pair of turtle doves so go pay for my robes will you?
So... Potter! Back for another year of Hogwarts are you?
Maybe this year you'll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizard!
Harry: Hey listen
Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world, I wouldn't trade them for anything
Have it your way
Wait... don't tell me!
Red hair, hand-me-down clothes, and a stupid complexion...
You must be a Weasley!
Ron: Oh my God lay off Malfoy! She may be a pain in the ass, okay?
but she's my pain in the ass
Well isn't this cute?
It's like a little loser family!
Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs
Luckily next year...
I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!
This year you bet, gonna get out of here
The reign of Malfoy is drawing near
I'll have the greatest wizard career
It's gonna be totally awesome!
Look out world for the dawn of the day
when everyone will do
Whatever I say!
and Potter won't be in my way
and then I'll be the one who is totally awesome!
Goyle: Yeah you'll be the one who is totally awesome!
Hermione: Guys come on we're gonna miss the train!
Who knows how fast this year's gonna go?
Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow
Harry: Maybe at last, I'll talk to Cho!
Ron: Oh no, that'd be way too awesome
We're back to learn everything that we can
It's great to come back to where we began
and here we are- and Alakazam!
Here we go, this is totally awesome!
Come on and teach us everything you know
The summer's over and we're itching to go
Neville: I think we're ready for
Albus Dumbledore!
Dumbledore: Welcoooooome
all of you to Hogwarts
I welcome all of you to school
Did you know that here at Hogwarts
we've got a hidden swimming pool?
Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts
Welcome hotties, nerds, and tools
Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts
I'd like to go over just a couple of rules
My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am headmaster at Hogwarts
You can all call me Dumbledore
Of course you could always call me Albus if you wanted detention
I'm just kidding, I'll expel you if you call me Albus
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love and it's all that I need at
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends
To Griffindor! Hufflepuff! Ravenclaw!
SLYTHERINS!
Back to the place where our story begins at
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Dumbledore: I'm sorry what's it's name?
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Dumbledore: I'm sorry what's it's name?
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Dumbledore: I didn't hear you kids!
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Harry: Man I'm glad I'm back
Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts
and a very special welcome to my favorite student
Mister Harry Potter
He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby
He's even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it
And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Griffindor,
Mister Ginny-
Excuse me, Misses Ginny Weasley
Ginny: Yeah, I'm a girl... and um, also
Aren't we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat?
Dumbledore: Well um, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat
He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing
So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference
aren't going to be back until next year
Basically I've just been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor
anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin
and the other two could just go wherever the hell they want
I don't really care
Cedric: Hufflepuffs are particularly good Finders!
What the hell is a Hufflepuff?
Anyway it's time for me to introduce my very good friend
our own Potions professor,
Mister Severus Snape
Ron: Aw man
That Snape, I'd hoped they'd fired that guy
Ginny: Why? What's wrong with Professor Snape?
Ron: Uh, nothing. He's just, uh
the Devil
Ron: He's Harry's nemesis, look at him
Harry: Come on Ron, he's really not that bad. I don't know what you're talking about-
Snape: Harry Potter...
Detention
What?
For talking out of turn
Now before we begin, I'm going to give you all your very, very first
Pop quiz
Hermione: Yesss...
Can anyone tell me what a Portkey is?
Ah yes, Miss Granger
A Portkey is an enchanted object that when touched
will transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere in the globe decided upon by the enchanter
Ah very good...
Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?
Yes Miss Granger?
Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point
is mentioned earlier in the story to return later in a more significant way
Perfect!
So... What's a- what's a Portkey exactly?
Hermione: Oh, a Portkey is something that when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere
Ron: Not you-
Hermione: Oh, a Portkey is something that when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere
Oh my God...
Hermione: Oh, a Portkey is something that when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere
And remember a Portkey can be any sort of seemly harmless object like
a football or...
A dolphin
Professor?
Can like a person be a Portkey?
No that's absurd
Because then if a person were to touch themselves...
They would constantly be transported into different places
A person can however be a Horcrux
What's a... what's a Horcrux?
I'm not even going to tell you Harry, you'll find out soon enough
Professor, what is the point of this quiz?
Oh no, no no point in particular
Just important information that everyone should know
Especially you
Now moving right along, we've got our four houses in all
Gryffindor
Ravenclaw
Hufflepuff
Cedric: Find!
Snape: What?
And Slytherin
Now traditionally...
Traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking
Example:
Ten points from Gryffindor
for Miss Granger's excessive baby fat
Thanks Hermione
Traditionally the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup
however this year we're doing things a bit differently
Here to introduce it is our new Professor of the Dark Arts
Professor Quirrell
Harry: Ow ow oww
Hermione: Harry, what's wrong?
Harry: Ow ow oww
Hermione: Harry, what's wrong?
The House Cup
a time honored tradition
for centuries-
Draco: Go home terrorist!
For centuries... the four houses of Hogwarts
have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House Champion
But where does this competition come from and what are the roots of the tradition?
The House Cup Tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students
That was a rhetorical question
Dumbledore: Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor
Ron: Thanks Hermione
Quirrell: As I was saying...
When the tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort
One champion from each of the four houses would complete a series of dangerous tasks
Challenges- the winner would not only win the cup
He would also win eternal glory
Hermione: Kind of like a House Cup- or no, a Triwizard Tournament!
Quirrell: Yes. Sort of like the Triwizard Tournament
except no, not like that at all
There are four houses
How can it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?
Well uh Professor if I remember correctly
the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester
when one of its students was killed during the first task
Yes, it is very dangerous
but the rewards far outweigh the risks
I don't think you heard me. I just said somebody died!
Dumbledore: Hermione Granger shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth
and quit interrupting. Twenty more points!
Ron: Thanks Hermione!
God...
For the cleverest witch of your age, you really can be a dumbass sometimes
Ten points to Dumbledore
Yes, yes well it will be very dangerous
but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come
And as professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts
I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-
ACHOO!
Dumbledore: Gesundheit
Did your turban just sneeze?
W-what? N-no
I could have sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction but your mouth wasn't moving
No... that-
That was simply a fart, excuse me
ACHOO!
Harry: Ow ow oww! Oww, oh...
Jeez... oh my God oww
Quirrell: I must be going
Jeez... oh my God oww
Jeez... oh my God oww
ACHOO!
Quirrell: I've simply farted once more, excuse me.
Dumbledore: In co-ordinance with the newly resurrected House Cup
a champion from each house will be selected to compete
So Snape, would you do us the honors please?
Yes headmaster
First, from the Ravenclaw house...
Miss Cho Chang
Oh my God I've won- I can't believe it, y'all!
And next from Hufflepuff...
a Mister Cedric Diggory
Well I don't find this surprising at all
Cho: I find it perfect
now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend
I'm glad as well my darling
Snape: And next, from the Slytherin house...
A Draco Malfoy
I finally beat you didn't I, Potter?
What do you think of that, huh?
I'm the champion this time!
Dumbledore: Draco would you sit down you little shit?
Champion's just a title
Snape: And finally from the Gryffindor house...
Oh my
Well isn't this curious?
The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against
is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life
Neville: If it's me, I'll apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing
Sit down you inarticulate bumble
It's Harry Potter
Dumbledore: Well here they are folks, the four Hogwarts champions
I want all of you to start preparing immediately because the first task is in two months
and it could be anything
So let's get to it!
Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang!
Draco: Malfoy! Malfoy! Mal- Mal...
Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang!
Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang!
Ron: Harry
You got this tournament in the bag
I don't know man... Cedric Diggory, he's pretty awesome-
NOT!
He sucks. We're totally gonna win, it's in the bag
I don't know, Harry
Ron: OH MY GOD
I don't know, Harry
Ron: OH MY GOD
Hermione, shut up.
Why do you have you rain on everybody's parade?
Because, Ron, this is dangerous!
Dangerous? Oh come on Hermione, how dangerous can it be?
Especially for me
Well- you're not invincible, Harry. Somebody died in this tournament.
Uh, I'm The Boy That Lived
Not died. Duhh
What's the worst that can happen?
And I don't know about that Quirrell character
You know, first he resurrects some horrible ancient tournament
Then- then he bumps into you and your scar starts to hurt
and you have to admit, there is something really funky about the back of his head
Come on, think about it
Professor Quirrell is a professor, and who hires the professors?
Dumbledore
The smartest, most awesomest
Practical wizard
Beautiful wizard
in the whole world
Why... why would he possibly hire somebody who's trying to hurt me?
W-What about Snape?
Yeah what about him?
He's hated you for years
and he's hated your parents too, Harry, everybody knows that
and he just so happens to pick your name out of the House Cup, out of hundreds
if not, five possible Gryffindors?
Yeah... what a coincidence. We lucked out
No- no Harry, I don't think it is a coincidence
When you defeated Voldemort, you made a lot of enemies. Ones you may not even know about
Harry: Okay
When you defeated Voldemort, you made a lot of enemies. Ones you may not even know about
When you defeated Voldemort, you made a lot of enemies. Ones you may not even know about
Harry: Alright cool, so let me get this straight
When you defeated Voldemort, you made a lot of enemies. Ones you may not even know about
Harry: Alright cool, so let me get this straight
So you're saying that this tournament, is just one big ploy to try and kill me
Hermione: I mean, I don't know! Maybe?
Anyway I just think it's dangerous and I don't think you should do it
Alright Hermione if it means that much to you...
I'll drop out
Oh thank you Harry
Ron: Wait, wait
WHAT?
The House Cup?
What about all the eternal glory you'd win? Come on!
Hey... eternal glory
I've already got that
Besides, Neville will be a great champion!
Ron: No, no, no
Besides, Neville will be a great champion!
Ron: No, no, no
I do not want Schlongbottom to be my champion
Okay all you have to do- Oh look
There's Dumbledore. Why don't you just talk to him now and tell him that you're dropping out?
Um... listen, listen Hermione
Dumbledore and I are really, really cool. We're super tight
and I don't want him to think that I'm being lazy or disrespectful or anything
So can you just tell-? Why don't you tell him? Just tell him that I want to work on school or something
Alright? Hey
You got this one. You're the best
Hermione: Alright... okay
Harry: You got it
Hermione: Alright... okay
Harry: Don't worry about it
Hermione: Alright... okay
Hermione: Alright... okay
Dumbledore?
Yes Granger?
I need to talk to you for a moment. It's about the House Cup tournament
Um... well first of all, I think it's an awful idea, but um
Second of all, I don't think Harry Potter should compete
Granger why do you always gotta be such a big ol' stick in the mud, huh?
Pray, tell me why Harry Potter should not compete
Uh... because he- wants to study
Granger, nobody studies at Hogwarts except for you
Uh, okay well he- he wants to focus on the O.W.L.s
Why couldn't Harry have told me this himself? He thinks I'm cool
We're tight!
Ahh... Profess-
I'm a really bad liar, okay? I-
I think it's a ruse. A set up
And I even think Snape might be trying to kill Harry Potter
Dumbledore: Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, gentlest,
sexiest men I have ever met
Severus Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter just about as much as he's trying to kill me
Huh?
Snape: Oh why Professor Dumbledore...
I just happened to be in the kitchen and I made you this
delicious sandwich...
Why thank you Severus! Do you see, Granger? How thoughtful
Here you are Professor
Bomb-appetit
I mean-
Bon appetit...
Um... is that sandwich ticking?
It looks like it's licking
Finger-licking good
Professor, I don't think you should eat that sandwich!
Come on Granger, you gotta listen to Snape more often
You might even get a sandwich out of it, I don't know
Dumbledore: Granger, what the hell-?
Granger, what are you doing!?
You dog-gone exploded my sandwich!
Hermione: I'm sorry Sir!
Hey, even if I did believe that Harry Potter was in danger
He has to compete! You see that cup?
Hermione: Yes!
It's enchanted
Whoever's name comes out of the cup has to compete or the results would be bad
What do you mean bad?
Well, try to imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously
and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light
A total plutonic reversal!
Yeah... so you see he has to compete
then- Hermione if it makes you feel any better
the last guy who died in the tournament was a Hufflepuff
So um...
I'll keep my eyes open, and nothing's gonna get past ol' Dumbledore
Alright
I gotta go make myself another sandwich
although I don't know how it's gonna be as good as the last one
The last one ticked!
Because it was a bomb...
Harry, I'm so sorry but-
I-I think you're going to have to compete in the House Cup tournament
But don't worry. I won't rest until I found out what the first task is gonna be
And I'll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default
Alright, awesome
Draco: Well...
Isn't this touching?
Oh my God just butt out, Malfoy
Goyle and I have a bet, you know
He says you won't last five minutes in this tournament
I disagree
I say you won't last five minutes...
at Pigfarts!
What? Alright, Malfoy, what-
What is Pigfarts?
Oh! Never heard of it?
Hah, figures...
Famous Potter doesn't even know about Pigfarts
Malfoy, don't act like you don't want to talk about it
That's like the ninth time you've mentioned Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?
Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy
It's where I'm being transferred next year
Hermione: Malfoy, I've never heard of that
Draco: That's because Pigfarts...
is on Mars
Harry: Malfoy, you know, we're trying to have a conversation here
so you could just leave us alone
Oh! No, I'm not even here
So anyways, I think we could out what the first task from Dumbledore
Draco: Dumbledore! Pfft!
What an old coot!
He's nothing like Rumbleroar!
Goyle: RUMBLEROAR!
Harry: Anyway, like I was saying-
Draco: Rumbleroar is the headmaster at Pigfarts
He's a lion...
who can talk
Malfoy, if you don't mind we're trying to have a conversation here
it's not like- you're not even eating. Get out of here!
Well I can't help it if we can hear everything you say. We're the only ones in here
Well just- come on Malfoy. Just get out of here, please?
Draco: Where are we supposed to go?
Harry: Uh, I don't know, uh, Pigfarts
Now you're just being cute
I can't go to Pigfarts
It's on Mars
You need a rocketship
Do you have a rocketship, Potter?
Bet you do!
You know not all of us inherited
enough money to buy out NASA when our parents die
Look at this! Look at this
Look it- Rocketship Potter!
Starkid Potter
Moonshoes Potter
Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts
Harry: Alright that's it. This is the most misguided way to try to make me feel jealous
I don't care if you make fun of me
but if you bring my parents into this, it's a whole other story
Draco: Whoa! Not so fast- Potter!
Oh Crabbe! Goyle!
Harry: Oh sure just behind- just
Goyle: BACK OFF NERD!
Harry: Oh sure just behind- just
Goyle: BACK OFF NERD!
Harry: Whoa! Scared, scared!
Not so tough now, are you, Potter?
Maybe you should hang out with someone better than that lollygagging Ginger
and his stupid Mudblood girlfriend
Hermione: Oh that is it, Malfoy!
Jelly-legs Jinx!
Draco: Oh come on
Goyle: Hey no fair our legs are jelly!
Take it back Malfoy!
Draco: Take what back?
Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school
Ron: Yeah and all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend
that's not even a little bit true
Hermione: And say you're sorry for calling me a you-know-what!
Malfoy: I'm sorry!
And you promise you'll never do it again?
I promise!
Hermione: Alright
Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it
Come on Harry, Ron, let's get out of here
Besides you... already ate all my lunch
Harry: Wow, thanks Hermione
Hermione: Yeah
Unjellify!
Ron: Wow that was like the most badass thing I've ever seen
Too bad no one was here to see it though. It was like an outburst of pent-up aggression
It was like ARGHH HERMIONE!
Wow...
That sucked royal Hippogriff!
We got beat by a girl, who is a nerd
Draco: I didn't mean what I said, you know
Pigfarts is real
Am I... am I bleeding?
Goyle?
No!
I thought maybe it was
m-maybe it was a little bit
I've never been pushed down like that by a girl
Maybe I shouldn't call her a Mud-
Whatever
I can't believe I couldn't figure out the counter-curse was just Unjellify
Draco: Right, well I'm not surprised
Come on let's go watch Wizards of Waverly Place
Quirrell: Fools!
They're all fools
They think they're safe
They think they're back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts
Little do they know the danger that's lurking right under their noses
Or should I say, on the back
of their heads?
Voldemort: I can't breathe in that damn turban!
I'm sorry my Lord, it's a necessary precaution
for if they knew that you lived
That when Harry Potter destroyed you, your soul lived on
Yes, that when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the Forbidden Forest
eating bugs and mushrooms and- ugh
unicorn blood
Quirrel: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul
unicorn blood
Quirrel: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul
Yes, nobody must know any of that
Now...
Quirrell!
Get me some water!
Now Quirrell!
Pour it in my mouth!
Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head
is going swimmingly, my liege
Yes, yes, yes I'm done with the water!
We must not have anymore foul ups like tonight in the Great Hall
I'm sorry my Lord, you sneezed
Voldemort: I know that!
Get me some Nasonex, you swine!
Wash that turban!
It tickles my nose
Quirrel: Yes my Dark King...
Voldemort: Okay, just
relax with the Dark King, okay? I...
I watch you wipe your butt daily
You can call me Voldemort, we're there
We've reached that point
Yes, yes my
Voldemort
Now Quirrell
Get us ready for bed
We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter
Tonight in the Great Hall
He was so close
I could have touched him
Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrell
I can taste it
It tastes like...
Cool mint
Quirrell: That's our Listerine, Voldemort
Yes, excellent
Well, er... goodnight Quirrell
Quirrell: Goodnight
Okay, okay, I can't do this
You gotta roll over
I can't sleep on my tummy
Quirrell: I always sleep on my back, I have back troubles
it's the only way I'm comfortable
Voldemort: You roll over right now or I'll
I'll eat your pillow!
You'll be having a dream that you're eating a giant marshmallow
but really you'll wake up, and your favorite goose feather pillow will be missing
Quirrell: Fine, we'll compromise. We'll sleep on our sides
Okay I guess I can do this
Quirrell: Now goodnight
Goodnight Quirrell
Hey Quirrell
How long have those robes been on that chair?
Quirrell: I think they're from last night. I just put them there for now
Well are you planning on putting them in a hamper?
What's your plan for these?
I figured I'd just leave them there for now and maybe put them away in the morning, okay?
No!
No, no that's not okay
I can't go to sleep knowing that there are dirty clothes on that chair
The chair's going to start to smell like dirty clothes
Quirrell: Look, I promise I'll put them away in the morning
You put them away right now!
I command you to get up and
fold them at least!
Make it into a neat pile
Look, if we're going to be in this situation for a while
we're going to have to live with each other
Now I've been single for all of my life and I have some habits
and sometimes I leave laundry around
Well I believe that everything has its place
Muggles have their place
Mudbloods have their place
and so do your clothes!
Namely, a dresser!
Quirrel: Well
Aren't we an odd couple?
You won't sleep on your tummy
You won't sleep on your back
We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree
We share some hands and fingers
and yet the feeling lingers...
We're just about as different as anyone can be
You like planting a garden
and I like plotting to kill
You think that you should rule the world
I think books are a thrill!
Sipping tea by the fire is swell
Voldemort: Pushing people in is fun as well!
I like folding all of my ties
And you have no friends. Hey! That's a surprise
I guess it's plain to see, when you look at you and me
We're different, different, as can be
You're a sissy, a twat, a girl!
I'm the darkest of lords
Quirrell: I'm the brightest professor here
I've won several awards!
Voldemort: My new world's about to unfold
You got beat by a two year old
I'll kill him this time, through and through
Quirrell: Or you might just give him another tattoo
You really must agree, when you look at you and me
We're different, different, as can-
I'll rise again and I'll rule the world!
but you must help me renew
For when our plan succeeds
Quirrell: Prevails!
part of that world goes to you
When I rule the world, I'll plant flowers
When I rule the world, I'll have
Snakes!
Quirrel: And Jane Austin noooooovels!
Voldemort: And goblins, and werewolves, a fleet of dementors
and giants, and thestrals, and all my Death Eaters!
Quirrel: And Jane Austin noooooovels!
When I rule the
World!
Harry, don't you think you should try and figure out what the first task is going to be?
You can actually die if you're not ready
What?
Come on...
I mean, can't you just do it for me?
Can't you just prepare all of my stuff for me? I mean- what are you doing right now?
I'm writing your Potions essay
Oh well do that first, 'cause that's due tomorrow so...
But after that, after that can you
prepare for the first task? Please?
Thank you. You are the best
You got it. Thanks Hermione
Hey Ginny, come here. I wanna show you something
Come here
Hey, Harry Potter
Listen, I wanna play this song that I'm working on
I met this girl that I really, really like and I want to let her know that she's really special
So- well I just wanna know what you think
just for the purposes of now, 'cause I'm still working out the lyrics, I'll put your name
where her name should be
But I don't think it's really gonna work out
because, well, just let me give it a shot
You're tall and fun and pretty, you're really, really skinny
Ginny
I'm the Mickey to your Minnie, you're the Tigger to my Winnie
Ginny
I wanna take you to the city
Gonna take you out to dinny
Ginny
You're cuter than a guinea pig
Wanna take you up to Winnipeg
That's in Canada!
Ginny, Ginny, Ginny
You know what? This doesn't work with your name at all
Doesn't work
But I don't know. Wh-
How does that make you feel? Emotionally?
Wow...
Wowie, Harry Potter
Don't you think it could uh, I don't know
Wowie, Harry Potter
Don't you think it could uh, I don't know
Make a girl fall in love with me?
Aw I think it already has
Awesome!
'Cause it's for Cho Chang!
Oh yeah...
S-she's beautiful
What are you, nuts? Beautiful? More like
Supermegafoxyawesomehot
She's the hottest girl I've ever met. She's far more attractive,
far more appealing,
far more interesting than any girl, that I know
In my immediate group of- of friends
She's a lot more better, and awesome
Ron: Sup Neville?
Move, move, move, move, move, move move
Awesome
Hey Harry what's up? So I was just offstage hanging out with Hagrid
and I was, uh, I saw these delivery wizards
Bringing giant cages into the dungeon
I dunno what that's for
Hermione: Giant cages?
I bet that whatever is in those cages has something to do with the first task!
Harry we have to find out what it is
Hey
Hey, guys, chill
I'm busy
Ron: Nooo! Nooo! Nooo!
Ginny: No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Ron: Whoa! Whoa!
Ginny: No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Hermione: Guys
Now listen
This could be a matter of life and death!
Ron: Well it doesn't matter because it's after hours, okay?
We can't leave Gryffindor house
We'll probably get in trouble if we do
And even if we do
Schlongbottom over there will probably tell on us
Hermione: Neville won't tell
Neville: Oh yes I certainly will!
Ron: Well what're we gonna do?
Hermione: It's simple guys
The cloak
Of course
The cloak
Ginny: Wait what cloak?
Shut up!
Harry: I got a present- I got a present last year
Oh bye Neville
I got a present last year. First year of Hogwarts
and uh... well, it was left to me by my dad
The dad that's dead. My father is dead
My dead father
Used to solve mysteries and stuff. My Invisibility Cloak!
Ginny: Wow!
Oooh boy, wowie Harry Potter!
A real Invisibility Cloak!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Do you know what I would do if I had an Invisibility Cloak?
Oh man I would- I would kick, uh
I would kick wiener dogs
And I would pretend to be a ghost and I would scare mean people
I'd use it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in the mirror
Harry: That's a bummer
Ron: Jesus, what's wrong with you?
Well, actually, I was gonna say that I would use it to
fake my own death and watch people cry at the funeral
Okay anyway, let's get out of here before Neville gets out of the bathroom
Alright? Let's get out of here
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa where do you think you're going?
Ginny: Um... with you guys
No, no, no way. No kid sisters allowed
Okay?
Besides, there's only enough room under this cloak for two people
So uh...
Come on Hermione, come on
The way his hair falls in his eyes
Makes me wonder if he'll...
Ever see through my disguise
And I'm under his spell
Everything is falling, and I don't know where to land
Everyone knows who he is
But they don't know who I am
Harry
Harry
Why can't you see?
What you're doing to me?
I've seen you conquer certain death
Even when you're just standing there
You take away my breath
And maybe
Someday you'll hear my song and understand
That all along
There's something more, that I'm trying to say!
When I say
Harry
Harry
Why can't you see?
What you're doing to me?
What you're doing
to me?
Quirrell: Master! Master! The shipments for the first task of the tournament have just arrived!
Voldemort: Yes I know Quirrell
I hear everything that you hear
Isn't it wonderful now?
Well we made sure Harry Potter's name was drawn from the cup and soon he will be ours
Yes
It's really happening, isn't it Quirrell?
You know, with the plan going so well
I feel maybe we should celebrate
What do you say Quirrell? How's about we go out?
I hear it's karaoke night down at the Hog's Head
Uh I don't know
I have all these papers to grade, and I've been giving so much
attention to this revenge plan that I'm really behind
Ah come on Quirrell!
You've been working so hard all year
You deserve a night off
But the papers...
Oh just give them all B minuses and be done with it
Now that's evil
Yeah, thanks, I am the Dark Lord
Come on, just a few drinks
Hey we'll try to pick up some chicks
I wouldn't know what to say. I'm no good at that
Come on, it'll be fun
You just move your lips and I'll do the talking
Quirrell
Man!
Listen
I may just be a parasite on the back of your head
that's literally devouring your soul any time you take a breath
But I can see that
You're too good a guy not to have a bit of fun once in a while
You deserve this
Well if you put it that way then
Yeah let's just go wild tonight
That's the spirit Quirrell!
Put on a fresh pair of wizard shorts and grab your tunic
Quirrell we are gonna get you laid
Seriously man, back when I had a body
I had mad game with the bitches
Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange
Ron: This cloak isn't as big as it used to be
Hermione: Shh, someone's coming!
Did you just hear something?
Goyle: No
Only quiet
Maybe... one
raindrop
No matter
Tell me, Goyle
Who do you think is the ugliest girl in school?
Uh...
Oh, Buckbeak
For sure
Crabbe?
Crabbe: Uh, Winky the house elf
Good one
Obscure
You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school?
That Hermione Granger
You know what I'd give her, on a scale of one to ten?
With one-
One would be the ugliest and then ten the most pretty
I would give her...
An eight
An eight point five
Or a nine
Not- not over
A nine point eight
Because there is always room for improvement
Not everyone's perfect, like me
That's why I am holding out for a ten
Because I'm worth it
Come on! Let's go
Ron: Wow what a bunch of jerks
Hermione: Alright, forget them now-
Where did you say you saw those crates being delivered?
Ron: Well I think they were being delivered to the auditorium
So they should be at the end of this hallway and to the left
Ron: Look!
Hermione: A goat?
Harry: A goat?
Oh my God I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I could do that morally
Snape: And the goats have all been sent for feeding time, headmaster
Dumbledore: Oh feeding time? Dragons don't want to be fed
They want to hunt!
Harry: Did he just say dragons?
Snape: Did you just say "did he just say dragons?"
Dumbledore: I must have because anybody else hiding in this room
would have known to shut up
Potter
Snape: Headmaster do you really think it's wise to have children fight dragons?
No Snape I don't think it's wise to do anything anymore
Like, here I am alive and well today
and I could very well be killed by you, tomorrow
Snape: Why that's absurd
Dumbledore: First... let's go to bed
Have you ever seen my room?
I've got some pretty kickin' posters on my wall
Snape: Well I am rather tired
Harry: Aw man, I have to fight a dragon?
This is bogus!
Hermione: Well...
Harry: How can I fight a dragon, I'm just a little kid!
Ron: Alright well, well maybe it won't be that bad, Harry
Maybe, maybe you'll just have to fight like
Mushu from Mulan or...
Ron: I dunno maybe
I dunno maybe like Puff the Magic Dragon or something...
Hermione: Ron, this is serious okay?
Harry could die!
Now look, there's still time, alright? We just need to figure out a plan
Harry: Okay well we should probably do that back in the common room
Where's- wait- where's the Invisibility Cloak?
Ron: Well I threw it over on that magical walking chair over the-
Oh crap
Harry: Oh that's... that's gonna be an issue
Ron: Yep
Quirrell: I thought walking home drunk was hard before
We should've realized that with
with both of us drinking into one belly we'd get
twice as drunk
Hey Quirrell
Quirrell
Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell
Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell you remember that girl you were talking to?
Yeah
You remember that girl we were talking to? Well I was talking to her sister
on my side
Oh so that's why she freaked out when we stood up!
Voldemort: Because they didn't know that we were the same person!
Quirrell: One person!
Voldemort: Because they didn't know that we were the same person!
You know I haven't had- I haven't had this much fun since
Nearly Headless Nick's Death Day party of '91
I haven't had this much fun since, ah
Yeah well shit I can't remember ever having this much fun
You never had fun... ever? Doing
doing anything?
Maybe that's why you're so evil
Yeah maybe
Definitely to do with the fact that Muggles and Mudbloods
make me sick to my stomach, but uh...
Yeah I guess you could be right. I guess, I mean
That's kind of funny
What is it, Voldemort?
Oh it's just that I never
I never ever really ever
ever really ever ever really
considered another reason for me being so evil, you know?
'Cause normally I just, uh
I just kill people that try to get me to open up, you know?
Oops...
But uh, it's- it's kind of nice to just, um
Kind of nice to just talk
You know, I have to admit
I was kind of nervous when you first demanded that you attached yourself to my soul
Yeah I could, I could sense that
But like, now I think it's
It's kind of cool, it's like having a really close roommate or
or even...
Yeah like a slave
Like a, like a Death Eater
No man
It's like... having a friend
I've never had a friend before
It looks like we've got one now
Who would've thought that at the beginning of this year
we'd feel like that for each other?
I guess everything is different between us now, huh?
I guess it's plain to see
When you look at you and me
We're... different
Different
As can be
We simply guarantee, when you look at you and me
We're different, different
As can be
It's a comedy of sorts
When you're bound to Voldemort
And I'm happy as a squirrel
Long as I'm with Mister Quirrell
We'll lead them to the slaughter and we'll murder Harry Potter
We're different
Different
Different, different as can be
The Hogwarts champions shall now enter the champion's tent
in preparation for the first task
Oh man, I can't believe I have to skip lunch period for this stupid task
Okay Harry, today's the day
The day you fight the dragon. Now, did you read those notes I wrote for you on dragons?
No
What? Why not?
You kidding me? They were so boring
So y-you didn't read them. You didn't prepare at all? You're not prepared at all?
Well no, at least I have my wand
Um...
Brought my-
Harry
You're the best
Harry just, please don't die today
I don't want to see my best friend getting eaten by a dragon
Relax okay?
Save the tears for my funeral
So tell me more about this Pigfarts. I find it to be very interesting
Well
While you're there you have to wear your spacesuit at all times
because there's no atmosphere on Mars
So if a single docking bay door opens you'll probably die
My, how dreadful
Well, but the good news is
If you're a good enough student, Rumbleroar lets you ride around on his back
And he's the headmaster lion?
Who can talk
Cool...
Well hello Harry. How are you feeling today?
Hey Cedric. Trying to-
Stay positive
Cedric: Well good
I'm having a fine time at the championships
Miss Granger?
Hello
Cho: Sugar pie!
My darling!
Was that a kiss for good luck?
No, that was for being so cotton-picking cute!
This one's for good luck
Harry: I hate that guy
Hermione: It's okay Harry, you're going to be great today
Dumbledore: Oh God!
Granger, I thought you were a boggart. I'm terrified of them
And what the hell are you doing in the champions' tent?
Get out of here. Ten more points
Thanks Hermione
Are you kids ready to fight a dragon?
Of course you are, you're just children. What the hell am I thinking?
Now outside of this tent are thousands upon thousands of screaming fans
They're either going to be cheering for you, or the dragon
but either way they're going to be making some kind of noise. So-
in order for this election process to be fair
I am going to randomly select a cardboard cutout size version
of the dragon you will be defeating
For you Cedric...
Puff the Magic Dragon
Figment the Imaginary Dragon
The Reluctant Dragon
And for you Potter...
The Hungarian Horntail
the most terrifying thing you'll ever see in your whole life!
Dumbledore: You've gotten all complete
Harry: W-wait hold on a second. Dumbledore, wait a second
Dumbledore: You've gotten all complete
I think I will-
Harry: W-wait hold on a second. Dumbledore, wait a second
T-this is terrifying
Those are the cutest things I've ever seen
This thing is horrifying
Just use your imagination
Disembrace
Oh my God this competition's gonna suck
all these dragon's are wimps
Accio doublestuff
Wow, look at that one
Oh my God monster!
Is that yours?
Yeah!
Oh my God it's awesome
Let me hold it
Oh my God this thing is terrifying
I hope the real thing is smaller
Ferocious. What're you gonna do?
I don't know, I'm not cut out for this kind of thing. It's gonna kill me
Hermione: Ron- Ron! You can't be in here this is the champions' tent!
Snape: Miss Granger
What the devil are you doing in the champions' tent?
Ten points from Gryffindor
Harry: Thanks Hermione
Thanks Hermione
Hey! Good luck buddy
Bye Snape!
Snape: Bye
Cedric Diggory
Now is your chance to face your dragon
Alright fellas wish me luck
I believe in you
That's all I needed to hear
Hey Malfoy, tell you what
I'll let you switch dragons with me
I'll give you the chance to switch dragons with me. I'll give you that opportunity
Tell you what, don't worry about it
Let me think abou-
No
I'll, uh, I'll give you my Gushers
Oh, no, no
I have a Fruit by the Foot
I don't want to
A Cho Chang?
Your dragon awaits
Well... I can't imagine this would be very hard
Then I... imagine it won't be
Malfoy, come on! Uh, tell you what
I'll throw in my Teddy Grahams, with the Gushers
You can make little Gusher Teddy Graham sandwiches
Alright
You throw in that pack of Bugles and you've got yourself a deal
Absolutely not
Draco Malfoy, your turn
Professor Snape is there any way that I could, I dunno, forfeit or switch dragons
Or maybe just take a day off
What- what're you, what're you. What're you doing? What is that?
I'm protecting you Potter
Welsh Greenbacks can't stand the taste of
Hunt's tomato ketchup
But I'm not fighting a Welsh Greenback, I'm fighting a Hungarian Horntail
Oho, well silly me
Hunt's tomato ketchup is what Hungarian Horntails love best of all
Good luck Potter
What? No!
Dumbledore: And now Harry Potter will battle the terrifying Hungarian Horntail
the most terrifying thing you'll ever see in your whole life
It should be noted that this particular dragon has not been fed
in two weeks
Hermione: Come on Harry
Go Harry!
You can do it Harry
Ron: You got it, yeah! You got this
Hermione: Just think positive. You can do it!
Ron: You got it, yeah! You got this
Hermione: Just think positive. You can do it!
Oh my God!
Accio guitar!
Hey dragon
You don't gotta do this
Let's reevaluate our options
Throw away our old assumptions
'Cause really, you don't gotta go through this
I'm really not that special
The Boy Who Lived is only flesh and bone
The truth is in the end
I'm pretty useless without friends
In fact I'm alone
I spend my time at school
Trying to be this cool guy
I never even asked for
I don't know any spells
Still manage to do well
But there's only so long that can last for
I'm living off the glory
Of a stupid children's story that I
have nothing to do with
I just sat there and got lucky
So level with me buddy
I can't defeat thee
So please don't eat me
And all I can do
is sing a song for you
You never asked to be a dragon!
I never asked to be a champion!
We both just jumped on this bandwagon
but all we need is guitar jammin'
Goodnight dragon
One, two, three!
I beat the dragon!
Attention all Hogwarts students
Tonight is our annual Yule Ball
So please remember to pick up your Yule Ball wreath
and give it to that special someone
Ah! Ginger!
Oh, hey. Harry Potter?
Oh hi Ginny
Fancy seeing you here huh?
Well it's the cafeteria so yeah
Um, so... um
The Yule Ball's coming up, huh?
Yeah I know it is. Very, very soon, yeah
Um, well were you thinking of going with anybody?
I was. I was actually just waiting for the right time to ask somebody and I think
I think that time's about now so if-
If you've got something to say just... get it out
Oh is this for me?
Ah Ginny how did you know I needed a wreath so I could ask Cho Chang?
You're the best!
Harry Potter... just- you
Forget it!
Alright I will!
Cool
Hey
Hey Cho Chang listen, um
I know the Yule Ball's coming up and I was wondering if
Maybe you wanted to go with me
But just in case you're kind of on the fence about it
You should know that I play guitar
and that I conquered that dragon's heart with it
So I think I could conquer yours
You're tall and fun and pretty, you're really, really skinny
Cho Chang
You're the Mickey to my Minnie, I'm the Tigger to your Winnie
Cho Chang
You're cuter than a guinea pig
I'll take you up to Winnipeg
That's in Canada!
Ooh Cho Chang. Ch-ch-ch-ch cha chadda chadda
Cho Chang
Whatever
Well Harry Potter
Bless your heart
Um, but
I'm gonna have to say no?
That young strapping boy Cedric Diggory
already asked me and I'm gonna go with him
Sorry
Come on girls, let's go show Moaning Myrtle our ball gowns
and make fun of her because she can't go
Yeah!
Hey there good buddy, how are you doing?
Okay
Is that a Yule Ball wreath?
Yeah
Who you gonna ask?
Well I asked Cho Chang but she turned me down
Cedric... Stuppery
Oh my God they're going together? That's so great
I love him so- they're so, cute
Harry: No, no
I love him so- they're so, cute
Harry: No, no
I hate him. I hate him so much
Harry: No, no
I hate him. I hate him so much
Harry: Yeah
I hate him. I hate him so much
I hate him. I hate him so much
Oh my God he pisses me off, wow
Aw man that sucks dude. I don't know why she'd turn you down
You're like the coolest guy in school
I don't know, I get it. I play guitar, I'm Harry Potter
I'm awesome
Reese's Pieces?
Yeah...
I don't get it man I mean I guess I'll just go stag, huh?
Yeah I'll probably go stag too
And the only two girls that I know that don't have dates already are Ginny
and Hermione
Oh my God
And I'm not going with my stupid sister
And I think of Hermione as a sister so that's out
We are in such a puzzle
Harry: What a conundrum
Neville: Hi, look at these strapping young men
Hey Neville
Hey Neville, you want this Yule Ball wreath?
Uh yeah, if you're willing to part with it then I will take this wreath
Hey Ron, let's go hang out with Hagrid
He can teach us how to dance so we could get in our dress robes
That can only lead to disaster and hilaree
Well let's go
I mean I just don't know about Hermione. I don't think anyone's asked her yet, you know
'cause she's just-
she's just so butt ugly
Harry: Hideous
Give that plant nerd!
Oh, Goyle rules!
Draco: Yeah so anyway
He was reluctant enough at first
but I lured it out of its cage with an upside down pig
and I sewed it with my Fruit by the Foot
and beheaded it with a quick slicing charm. Bloody fool...
Wh- Goyle?
What are you doing with that wreath?
What are you, going to ask someone to the Yule Ball?
...No
Dancing is for nerds
Crabbe: And pretty girls
That's right
You know who the last girl I'd have asked to the Yule Ball would be?
That Hermione Granger
Not even if we were the last two people on earth
and she looked absolutely stunning in her ball gown
so every time I'd looked at her I'd got butterflies in my tummy
Not even then
You know
They don't even have dances at Pigfarts
All of the noise would disturb Rumbleroar's slumbering cub
Dancing is for pansies
Right
Draco: Hey you there what's your name?
Pansy
Perfect!
You're going to the Yule Ball with me
Do you see that dragon?
Well it was reluctant enough at first
but I lured it out of its cage with an upside down...
Quirrell: Yule Ball decorating crew
but I lured it out of its cage with an upside down...
Quirrell: Yule Ball decorating crew
Just the Yule Ball decorating crew coming through
Last minute decorations
My Lord, the Yule Ball has finally arrived and I've brought the key!
Yes I know Quirrell
I hear everything you hear!
I'm sorry
No I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped
I'm just nervous that's all
Nervous?
No
Why?
I don't want to talk about it
Hey, it's just me
You can tell me anything, you know that
Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right
I'm just nervous because we've been planning this night for so long
and I want everything to go perfectly, you know?
Don't worry. We've mapped out everything
We've anticipated every little problem and compensated for it
We've even prepared what you're going to say to Potter when you see him
So just cool down
Relax
By the end of the night you'll have your revenge and your body back
You're right, you're right I'm being... silly
And you know I-
Quirrell over the last year I've-
I've really grown attached to you
No pun intended
Yeah I know what you mean
But, hey, we'll still hang out
Just because we won't be attached doesn't mean we'll be two completely different people
No pun intended
No, no of course not, of course not
Hey Quirrell
We should make plans
Evil plans?
Oh uh...
No
Casual plans
Like um
We could go rollerblading on a Saturday and then uh
see a movie at night, huh?
Yeah
It'll be great because we'd both be able to watch it for a change
Yeah yeah...
I bet it'll be nice to sleep in our own beds
Not have someone behind you all the time
And have the privacy of my old life back again
The solitude
No
Whatever happens tonight man
It's-
It's been a blast
Yeah
One crazy year
Hey
Promise we'll go rollerblading and see that movie
Oh, man
I promise
Okay
Quirrell
Let's go plant that key and split
Pun intended!
Snape: Why Professor Quirrell
What on earth are you doing in the Great Dance Hall?
Just moments before the dance?
Just decorating for the Yule Ball. Last minute decorations
Just one final touch
A ladle?
A very special ladle for a very special night
For a very special punch
And what's so special about it?
Let's just say there's Squirt in it
Squirt?
Is that not the favorite drink of one Harry Potter?
Is it? I had no idea
Well, we better be going
We?
I... I better be going
Loud music hurts my ears
Okay well I'll see you later then
Or maybe you won't
Or maybe I will
Dumbledore: Excuse me, it was my fault
Hey Severus!
Oh, uh Headmaster
Dumbledore: What are you doing here? Getting some punch are you?
Oh no no there's Squirt in that
Oh only Harry Potter likes that hog's shit
I'll stick to my Red Bull thank you very much
Oh well goodnight Headmaster
Severus I-
I saved this last dance for you
Well I would Headmaster, but you see
Well an old friend is coming back into town tonight
Dumbledore: Oh
Hey Ron
Ron: Hey what's up dude how's it going?
Have you seen Hermione anywhere?
Harry: No I haven't
Harry: Why?
Nothing, nothing. It's just, you know I-
I heard Parvati Patil telling Padma Patil that
she had seen Hermione in the girl's locker room before just
crying her eyes out in the bathroom stall
Harry: Why? What happened?
I don't know isn't that like the saddest thing you've ever heard?
Harry: Yeah
I mean I don't know it's just
It was inevitable that one day Hermione would realize
that nobody would ever like her, you know?
Because of her obnoxious personality
and her ugly face
and misshapen body, but you know it's just
I don't know, I figured she'd get into at least one night of happiness
before she realize she was gonna be growing old alone, you know?
Draco: Hey you two over here talking about Granger?
Malfoy get out of here it's none of your business
Why don't you go dance with Pansy over there?
Hey, go get me some punch
Pansy: Okay
Wait, um, I should tell you there's Squirt in it
Harry: Oh nice
Squirt? Ugh
Harry: Oh nice
Never mind I'll stay dehydrated
Go, go powder your nose or something
But I just fixed my make up a little while ago
Ugh, trust me
You need more powder
Pain in the ass, right?
So anyway
Noticed Granger's not around here
Probably for the better too
No one would be able to keep their hummus and pita chips
down with that ugly mug of hers darting all about
Wow, why don't you just give her a break for once
Okay Malfoy?
Why defending her, Weasley?
Have a crush?
No!
No! Why all the insults Malfoy?
Covering up a crush?
Ron: Yeah? Yeah?
Oh... right, right
Ron: Yeah? Yeah?
Oh... right, right
Like I could ever have a crush on that stupid...
Cho: Oh my gosh!
Y'all!
Cho: She looks so beautiful! Bless her heart
She looks great!
Here I am, face to face, with a situation
I never thought I'd ever see
Strange
How a dress can take a mess
Make her nothing less than
Beautiful to me
It seems like my eyes have been transfigured
Something deep inside has changed
They've been open wide, but hold that trigger
This could mean
Danger
I'm falling in love, falling in love
Falling in love
I'm falling in love, falling in love
Falling in love
With Hermione Granger
What
What the hell is this?
You expect me to sing about her?
I don't care about her
It's just a little make up
Draco wake up!
I'm mistaken
She is the
hottest girl I've ever seen!
Now, because she's like a girl I've never seen
Don't know why
I'd ever be so mean
This could mean
Danger
I'm falling in love, falling in love
Falling in love
I could be
Falling in love, falling in love
Falling in love
With Hermione Granger
Ron: I want to let her know
Draco: I feel so queasy
Ron: I want to let her know
But I can't let it show
Ron: She'd laugh! Poor Weasley
But I can't let it show
Draco: Come on
Ron: Come on
Ron!
Draco!
Draco: You gotta let it go!
Ron: You gotta let it go!
You gotta let it go!
What?
THE HELL IS THIS?
Ron: How a dress can take a mess
Ron: Make her nothing less than
Granger!
Ron: Make her nothing less than
Wake up!
Ron: Make her nothing less than
Ron: Make her nothing less than
Draco: I've been mistaken!
Ron: Beautiful to me...
Draco: I've been mistaken!
Draco: She is the hottest girl I've ever seen!
Ron: It seems like my eyes have been transfigured
Draco: She is the hottest girl I've ever seen!
Now because she's like a girl I've never seen
Ron: Something deep inside has changed
Now because she's like a girl I've never seen
Draco: Don't know why
Ron: They've been open wide but hold that trigger
Draco: Don't know why
I'd ever be so mean
Ron: They've been open wide but hold that trigger
This could mean
Danger
I'm falling in love, falling in love
Falling in love
I could be falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
With Hermione Granger
With Hermione Granger
With Hermione Granger
Danger
Ron: Oh my God
Ah I can't believe it
What?
I just can't- I can't believe she is dancing with
every guy but me. That is so-
That is so stupid
That is stupid...
W-Why do you-
Why do you even care, man?
I don't! I-I don't care
I don't care and that's what I'm gonna go up and tell her
I'm gonna go and say "I don't care what you do"
And she's gonna feel so damn stupid
She is gonna feel like such an idiot
Listen Ron, you're acting like a real jerk
Maybe you should take it easy on the butterbeer
No
No
Hermione: Hey guys
Hey Hermione, hey you look great. You look wonderful
Oh thanks, yeah
You know I used to think looks weren't important and now
I think they're more important than anything
Oh it's just I'm having so much fun dancing with everyone
Ron: Wow- wow Hermione
When did you become so shallow?
When?
What is wrong with you, Ron?
Nothing
Nothing's wrong with me
But why don't you just go ask Schlongbottom to dance, huh?
Ron: Go do it
You know what? Maybe I will
I showed her. I showed her so good
Harry: Wait a second
Wait a hot second
I know what's going on here!
You've got a crush!
Alright, Ron
Listen, listen to me now
Just a little advice
Just call me crazy, but girls don't really like it
when you're angry at them, much less you shout at them
Now maybe what you should do is go over there
and tell her how much you care about her
Okay?
Maybe you should ask her to dance
What? No! No!
'Cause then she'd know that I liked her
And you always know that you don't tell a girl that you like her
because it makes you look like an idiot
I know you'll look like an idiot
Anytime you tell a girl you like her, it makes you look dumb
That's inevitable
But listen, it's something you have to do
Ron, you have to move forward so that everyone will like you back
Okay? And what have we got to lose?
We look like idiots anyway. We're here's one. Look at our robes
You know, if we dressed like this in the muggle world
We would get our asses kicked
You have nothing to lose. Absolutely nothing
I bet, you know
She probably wants to dance with you just as much as you want to dance with her
You just gotta
You just gotta, give it a
a chance
Maybe there's something that you didn't see before, you know
You just gotta go and maybe find something special and
through the whole time you just didn't really have the guts to
Say anything
Where are you going? Where are you going?
I'm still mad and sad
Hold on
HP's gonna take his own advice, pal
Hey Ginny
Oh
Hey, Harry
Can I sit down?
Um, yeah, sure
Sooo
How's Hogwarts?
You know, it's
It's okay
I- I was actually, I was
really excited to come here but now that I'm here I just
I just don't think I belong
Oh yeah I totally know what you mean
Um... no
You don't
You're Harry Potter
Yeah I know, like
For eleven years I was this dumb kid that got the crap kicked out of me
under a staircase, and all of a sudden like
You're a wizard!
You have all these powers!
And everybody thinks I'm cool all of a sudden
It's weird, it's kind of isolating
I- uh
Hey, I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm complaining about being famous
I'm sorry
Oh no
I understand
It's like when you first got here
Nobody wanted to get to know you because they thought the knew you already
But, eventually you'll find people that'll want to get to know you for the real you
You know Ginny, I feel like I already have found this person
and I've taken them for granted so tell you what
Come on
You wanna dance? It's the whole point of the evening
Now I gotta warn you, I've learned all my best dance moves
from Hagrid... so
I'm not that great
I'm sure you'll be fine
Wow
Harry Potter
I don't care what anybody says
You're the best dancer that ever was
Well I've got a confession to make, Ginny
These shoes right here
are magical enchanted dancing shoes
Wowie! Harry Potter
I'm just messing with you
I'm just awesome at dancing
Ron: Yahh!
Hermione: Ow!
Ron: Yahh!
Neville: Hey!
Ron: Yahh!
Okay
Alright
Okay when you really dance with Neville
is when you cross the line, okay? Take this
Beat it. Get out of here
What is wrong with-
Ron: Come here. Come here!
What is wrong with-
Ron: Come here. Come here!
Ow! Ow!
Hermione: What is wrong with you?
Why are you being so mean to me?
I'm not being mean!
Why are you being so mean to me?
I'm not being mean!
Ow!
Yes you are!
You know everyday
Everyone is trying to put me down
And on the one day I actually feel like a person
You're trying to ruin it!
Holy shit
What is wrong with you, Ron?
Hermione: Come on
Draco: Weasley!
Hermione: Come on
Draco: Weasley!
The lady said no
Not you too
You know what? I am so sick of both of you
I hate you both!
What did you say to her?
Ron: Nothing!
I'm bleeding!
Ron: I'm bleeding
I'm bleeding!
Ron: I'm bleeding
Look at this
Try this
Ron: Look what she did to me
You know Ginny
Ginny I'm feeling kind of dizzy
Well maybe we should stop spinning
From all this spinning, huh?
We have stopped spinning
Wait! No!
No no no no
I can't- I can't do this. You're-
You're Ginny Weasley. You're my best friend's little sister
You're Ron Weasley's sister, I c-
I-I'm sorry Ginny I can't do this
I'm sorry
Hey Cho! Hey, hey
Come on dance with me
I'm Harry Potter. Let's go
Excuse me, I believe I was dancing with the lady
Yeah I know and I'm uh
I'm cutting in, so yeah
Well, I find that to be very rude
Alright Cedric well why don't we
find- out
what the lady has to say about it?
Cho: Oh, boys
what the lady has to say about it?
Cho: Oh, boys
There's no need to fight over little ol' me
But by the way, Cedric thinks that you cheated on the dragon's task
Harry: Cheated? Are you kidding me?
That thing was trying to eat me. I was in its mouth!
Exactly. What went on in there?
I'd like to find out
Alright, that is it Diggory. We are dueling
Let's go
Oh Godric's Hollow!
All this excitement is making me thirsty
Oh, Cho! I can get you something to drink
Let me get you some punch
No, I'll get the punch
No, I'll get the punch!
Fine! Have the punch
Cedric: I did it!
Cho: You did it!
Cedric: I did it!
Cho: You did it!
Cedric Diggory I'm gonna kill you!
Portkey! Portkey! Portkey!
Cedric: Uh, where are we?
I don't know Cedric, someone punched me in the face
and my sense of direction got a little goofed up!
Well it seems clear to me now that that punch ladle was a portkey
And now, thanks to you,
We've both been transported to some mystery location
Brilliant Cedric, well you're a Hufflepuff
Why don't you find a way out of this place, okay?
Harry, I think I found something!
It appears to be a headstone
We must be in some sort of graveyard
Tom Riddle, Mary Riddle, Thoms Riddle
Riddle me this, eh Potter?
Cedric, I don't know about this place. I think we gotta get out of here
Harry, you're a Gryffindor. Where's your sense of adventure?
God-
Cedric
You are so annoying, okay?
You're like this guy, that's just around all the time
when I don't need a guy around
You're this spare guy all the time
This spare dude
You're such a spare!
Kill the spare!
Avada Kedavra!
So many regrets
I dead!
Harry: Oh my wizard God!
Not so fast! Petrificus Totalus!
Harry: Professor Quirrell, you just killed Cedric!
Not I, Potter
But perhaps you'd like to see who did
He's dying to see you
Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived
It's good to see you again
The cauldron is ready, my lord
Harry: Cauldron? What are you guys gonna do, eat me?
That's gross
Ah, as delicious a dish as I'd think you'd make, Potter
I'd need a stomach of my own to digest you
And I haven't got one of those
Yet...
Aaaahh!
Ooh
Aaaahaha
Wooho
Okay haaha
Stop struggling!
Detention, Potter!
Harry: Detention?
Jeez, this guy is almost as big of an asshole as Snape is
Quirrell: It worked!
When I was a boy...
An orphan boy
I'd love to move my feet
I'd hear a tune
And start to swoon
My life would seem complete
The other boys would laugh and jeer
But I'd catch 'em tapping their toes
And when I'd start to sway
They'd get carried away
And oh, how the feeling grows
I take my
Foot
My little foot
And with that foot
Oh how I'd start to shake
I take two feet
Two tiny feet
Hey look! That's neat!
It's coming true!
Oh boy I get to dance again
Woohoo!
To dance again
I've been waiting all these years to dance again
Now at once a chance appears
To hear the beat. So on your feet
It's time to dance again
Come on, Potter!
Imperio!
You take your foot
Your little foot
Hey look, your foot
See how it starts to shake
Quirrell: Ooh try his arms!
How 'bout a twirl?
He's like a girl!
Quirrell: How overdue
I get to finally dance again with you
To dance again
I've been waiting all these years to dance again
Now at once a chance appears
It's lovely swaying, the music's playing
Come on let's dance again
Everybody!
I take my foot
You take your foot!
My little foot
Take that little foot!
And oh my foot
Let me hear it now
Look how it starts to shake
Oh Voldy's back
Hello world!
For the attack
I'm gonna get ya!
He'll take over the world, it's true
But first there's something he's gotta do
I'll dance again
I've been waiting all these years to dance again
Now at once a chance appears
Everybody make way
For a pas de bourr?e
It's time to dance
It's time to dance
It's time to dance
Again!
Voldemort: Yes
Bellatrix: My Dark Lord...
You look fabulous
Bellatrix Lestrange
Bellatrix: Oh, my liege!
Tell me it's going to be like the old days
when we do nothing but torture, murder,
and make love?
Ah, the old days are back, baby!
I can't tell you what it was like without you
Well I'm never going again
'Cause I've conquered death
and my first pleasure will be to kill Harry Potter
And next
to take over the Ministry of Magic
And rule the world
For all time!
And you will my Lord, but not yet
For now we must stick to the plan
We blame Potter's murder on Quirrell
So that your return may remain a secret
The Death Eaters aren't prepared to take on the entire Ministry of Magic
much less Dumbledore, and the Order of the Phoenix
Quirrell: I'm sorry
What was that about me going to Azkaban for Potter's murder?
Ohoho, you shall refer to him as
My Lord, my liege, or my Dark Lord only!
No no no Bellatrix, it's a- it's cool
Quirrell's cool, Quirrell's cool, he's...
Over the last year he's proven himself to be a very good fr-
A very good servant to the will of the Dark Lord
Quirrell: Oh I see, so-
So you're Thomas Jefferson and I'm your Sally Hemings, is that right?
No
No, Quirrell, that-
That came out wrong
It's not like that
Isn't it?
Ugh, silence slave
Crucio!
Voldemort: It's alright, it's
What's the matter?
He is your pawn! You are his queen
It is an honor to serve the Dark Lord, no matter what the task!
Are you all right?
Did you really know the whole time, you'd-
blame Potter's murder on me?
Yes... yes I
I knew
But things have changed over the last year, I feel different now-
Don't touch me
How do I explain this? It's-
It's like that movie She's All That
You remember? We watched that together
You remember how at the end Freddie Prinze Jr. turns out to be good?
Quirrell: No
I didn't see the end because you were watching it
while you were on the back of my head
sucking my soul!
Well I wish there was another way
But I've got to take over the world
Quirrell: Well there is
I'll let you know now but it's gonna be
pretty hard to make that rollerblading date from Azkaban
Bellatrix: Death Eaters, take him away
And now you have what you've waited for for so long
What?
Your chance to kill Harry Potter
Yes
Kill Potter!
Ha- whoa, where'd he go?
Harry: You're not killing me today Voldemort, but I'll tell you what
I'll get you some punch!
Portkey! Portkey! Portkey! Portkey!
Ginny: Oh my Rowling
What happened Harry Potter?
You... Harry what the hell are you doing over here?
You missed the raffle
Snape: What happened to the graveyard?
It's- it's Voldemort!
It's Voldemort! He's back!
Extra! Extra! Read all about it
Harry Potter, the boy who beat Voldemort
now says he's back!
Daily Prophet! Get your Daily Prophet here!
Harry Potter versus Voldemort, round two!
Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge makes a statement
Cornelius: I've heard these Voldemort rumors and I for one simply don't believe it
Voldemort talks about it on his new FlooTube channel!
I'm gonna find Harry Potter and I'm gonna *** in his ***!
Also does reviews of "17 Again"
Well it was a little slow in the beginning, but
Come on, Zac Efron
Zefron! Enough said
I've seen these so-called posts and I still don't believe it
This is a ruse
You all have been hoodwinked!
Professor Quirrell confesses to murder of Hogwarts student Cedric Diggory
Receives life in Azkaban
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Extra!
Harry: Man...
Ron, this totally sucks man. This-
Ron: This is horrible
Yeah I know I mean, look at this
This is... it's terrible
Harry Potter versus Voldemort: The Fight of the Century
Ron: No it's not that
Harry Potter versus Voldemort: The Fight of the Century
Ron: No it's not that
It's Hermione
It's just like
I can't get her out of my head, and everytime I look at her
I have these pains in my chest, and I just know it's her fault
That bitch
I'm just not cut out for this, Harry. I'm not
Yeah man I know what you mean
It's like when you're trying to save the world, and the whole world is just against you
No, no, no, no, no!
This isn't about you
Why does every conversation we have to have have to turn into Potter talk?
It's not Potter talk-
No! No! I'm miserable
And all you can do is talk about yourself
You're the like the self absorbed guy I know. If you were miserable,
I'd be there for you, but you won't even listen to me and I'm sick of it
So- so, so good luck with whatever you were talking about
And I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after
'Cause me
I am never going to be happy again
So I'm just gonna go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days
Harry: Ron...
Hermione: Were you just talking to Ron?
Yeah I was trying to tell him about Voldemort
Hermione: Well did he say anything about me?
Yeah I was trying to tell him about Voldemort
Hermione: Well did he say anything about me?
Harry: Uh, yeah, he said that someone told me
Well, was one of them an apology for how he treated me at the Yule Ball?
Um, yeah I heard about that
Listen, I was wondering maybe if you heard about a little something
I don't know, that uh, Voldemort is back!
Uh, Cedric Diggory is dead!
Professor Quirrell was crazy,
Cho: Oh!
Professor Quirrell was crazy,
And now I have to save the world. Did you hear that Hermione?
Um, actually I have heard those things, Harry, about a thousand times
but never had they been told to me with so much sass
Drop the attitude Harry Potter
You are acting like Garfield on a Monday
Well don't you think I have a right to be a little stressed out?
Wh- no. No I don't
You know what, this is just like with the dragon, okay?
I stressed out, I told you to prepare
and yet you didn't do anything, and you were fine
You know you just played your little guitar
I mean, and I don't know what you're crying about, Harry
This is just like when you defeated Voldemort and you were a baby
Hermione, come on
You're the friend that's supposed to tell me to go to the library
and try to figure this stuff out-
Well you know what, Harry?
I don't do that anymore
Draco: Read it and weep, Potter!
I heard Voldemort's back
And he's trying to kill you. What do you think about that, Moonshoes?
Malfoy, I honestly see- I don't see why you're so happy about this
If Voldemort is back, which he is,
You might as well kiss Hogwarts goodbye
You might as well kiss the whole planet goodbye
Kiss the planet goodbye?
Having second thoughts about Pigfarts, are you?
Malfoy you're the last person I want to talk to now, okay?
You know what?
As soon as you're out of the way
I'll be the coolest kid in school
Hermione: Malfoy, that will never happen. Everybody hates you
Oh right, okay, this coming from Hermione Stranger
Pansy: She's right, Malfoy. She's cooler than you
Cho: Yeah, even Moaning Myrtle is cooler than you
Neville: Take this!
Expelliarmus!
No!
Ignore it! Ignore it
Don't say anything!
Stop it!
Snape: What the devil is going on here?
Draco Malfoy pull those trousers up at once
Professor I just-
I don't want to hear it
I need to see you in my office
Now
This is all your fault, Potter!
You'll pay for this
You'll all pay!
Harry: Nice. you're the man
Cho: That made me feel better
Harry: Hey Ginny what's up-
Hey, I hope you have something to say about Voldemort
Ginny: Who?
Harry: Whatever
No, I'm fine
Um
Hey, Harry?
Yeah?
Um, so
We kissed
at the Yule Ball?
And, well, I thought we were gonna be together forever
but we're not
Yeah, that uh
pretty much sums it up
Hey, what's going on?
Ginny, this is what's going on. Don't you get it?
Everyone is in danger who's near to me
We can't be together because
Well Voldemort is back, which he is, then
You're in mortal peril. Don't you get it?
It's just like the Spiderman movie. Haven't you seen that?
MJ and Peter Parker can't be together
But the whole point of Spiderman 2
was that MJ and Peter Parker could be together and
Yeah I know, but the point of Spiderman 3
is that everything sucks and that falls to shit!
Ginny, what I'm trying to say is
I don't want my life to be like Spiderman 3
I hated that movie
Ugh, I'm sorry. It's just
That's my little way of saying, well
We can't be together
I'm sorry Ginny
I'm such an idiot
Ugh, I need a-
I need a butterbeer
Hey! Psst, Potter!
Hey! It's me
Harry: Who're you?
It's Dumbledore
Harry: Oh
Listen, listen Harry I've got some very important things I gotta tell you
What? Oh about Voldemort?
Yes! Things that that are absolutely crucial for you to know
but I can't get into it right now
I need you to meet in my inner office at 10 o'clock and come by yourself
Bring that uh, Invisibility Cloak of yours
and don't go blabbing your mouth about this to anybody
Voldemort has spies that can be anywhere. Even inside of Hogwarts
From now on the only person you can trust Harry, is me
and Severus Snape
Listen, Dumbledore, I know you don't want to hear this, but
I am not so sure about Snape
I think, I think- You know I'm pretty sure he's working for Voldemort
What? That's stupid. You're stupid!
No, no, no I'm actually- I'm positive
That night in the graveyard some Death Eater cuts off his hand
and Snape shows up without a hand
Dumbledore: Oh cockamamie!
Snape has assured me that he lost his hand in an entirely unrelated incident
Dumbledore, why do you trust Snape so much?
Because I love him
Professor, I-
Hey, I don't want to hear anything else about it
There is no way that Severus Snape is, was, or ever shall be
A servant of Voldemort's
All hail Voldemort!
Severus Snape, what are you doing here?
Got tired of being on Dumbledore's lap?
I ought to Jelly-legs Jinx you right now, traitor
Don't be goofy with me
I need to see Voldemort
How do we know this isn't some Order of the Phoenix practical joke?
I thought you deserted the Death Eaters when the Dark Lord lost his body
Or were you always a spy for Dumblebore?
Slumbersnore
Bumblesore!
I heard you had your Dark Mark laser surgically removed
Oh, well if you two know so much about me, you should write a biography
Snape: The Double Agent
That's right
I've always been a servant of Voldemort
I've simply been working undercover, finding out valuable information such as
The inner workings of Hogwarts
The roster of the Order of the Phoenix
and finding out what a true Hufflepuff is anyway
I've seen things no Slytherin should see
So if you're done putting each other's feet in each other's mouths
I would like to see my master
Of course. Right away, Severus
Good!
I'll be in the drawing room
Painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces
Then, after sneaking into the Department of Mysteries
We'll enchant the-
Excuse me
Whoa! Whoa
Whoa-ho-ho, excuse me
I was in the middle of plotting
Where was I?
The statues will occupy the guards in the main lobby while you and I
sneak into the Minister's office
where you will be one Killing Curse away
from complete control of the entire Wizarding world!
How does that sound, my Lord?
My Lord?
Voldemort?
Ahh yeah!
Gringotts, that's great
that's great
Polyjuice potion, always very classy
I'm sorry what are we talking about?
Did you hear anything of my evil plan?
Well um
The details are a little fuzzy, but uh
but you did have a very evil tone
He's all yours
Wh- no, what abo- but Bellatrix, come back
No it's! Aw, co- don't be like this
Aww...
Now two people are mad at me
What?
Sir, Severus Snape is at the door and importunes access to you
Severus Snape?
See him in
Is that a new body, my Lord? You look absolutely ravishing
Severus
For such a super secret spy, you're a terrible liar
I'm a wreck
Better have some good news
My Lord, you know how for years we've been trying to get Death Eaters
into the grounds at Hogwarts?
For years we've been trying to sneak Death Eaters onto the grounds of Hogwarts
Well I think I've finally discovered a way how
Well by all means, Snape, tell me
I can't
Can't?
Tease!
Why not?
I made an Unbreakable Vow not to let any Death Eaters in
Unbreakable Vows, I hate those
I know, but I had to do it in order to convince Dumbledore of my loyalty
Yes Snape, I understand
Well if you can't help me, what do you propose we do?
Well I can't tell you
but I've brought along someone who can
Draco: All hail Lord Voldemort
Lucius Malloy's boy?
Voldemort: Are you serious?
Draco: Malfoy
Voldemort: Are you serious?
Voldemort: Are you serious?
Malfoy
Voldemort: Are you serious?
Help from a child, you've got to be kidding me
Don't make me laugh
I'm pissing
If this homemade Dark Mark won't convince you
Then at least hear me out
Okay
Okay
Okay, how do you propose
you get my Death Eaters into your little daycare center
And don't- and don't suggest a giant slide
or a trampoline
because we've already tried those
The vents
Your Death Eaters shall enter through the ventilation system of Hogwarts
Duh! The vents!
How do we find these vents?
Oh I'll tell you how to get to the vents
But first
We discuss the subject of payment
Ah, the catch
There's always a catch
There's nothing in this world so cruel and demanding
as the soul of a child
What do you want, Malloy?
I want
a galaxy traversing rocketship with enough fuel to get me to Mars
What do you want with a rocketship?
What business do you have on Mars?
Well, let's just say
Pigfarts, Pigfarts, here I come
Pigfarts, Pigfarts, yum yum yum
No no no no with all my respect, my Lord
There's one tiny flaw in that flawless plan
Albus Dumbledore
You're right, Snape
Normally I'd say, "I'll kill him," but I
I haven't been feeling so evil lately
So here's how it's gonna break down, Milfoy
I need your guarantee
That you'll lead my Death Eaters into Hogwarts
I will simultaneously be attacking the Ministry of Magic
Now I need you to promise
that by the end of the siege of Hogwarts
Dumbledore will be dead
Leave Harry Potter for me
But Dumbledore... must die
Do we have a deal?
We shall shake on it
An Unbreakable Vow
I don't-
By the end of tomorrow night, Albus Dumbledore will be dead?
Yes
And I'll have my rocketship?
When the technology is available
And you'll have to be my slave for a whole day starting now!
No!
You little shit!
You got me!
You've got me! Ohh
That is so embarrassing!
That's the second time that that's happened!
That's why I hate Unbreakable Curses
There are so many things I'm going to have you do for me
You're going to clean my room, and lay out my knickers,
and you're going to tape Wizards of Waverly Place for me!
I hate chores!
I'll be busy with a murder
Sometimes-
Hermione: Harry, why would Dumbledore want to meet us so late at night?
Harry: Well he's got some information to tell us about Voldemort
Did you bring the Invisibility Cloak?
I've got it right here
Ron: Alright Harry, this better be good
I don't have a snack, and I'm missing Wizards of Waverly Place for this, okay?
So what do we have to do that's so damn-
Oh my God, thank you
Ron: I love Hogwarts
Hogwarts is amazing
Ron: You want one?
Harry: Yeah
You know what? I am leaving
Whoa no no no no no you're not
No you're not. Okay when I said I needed your help
I meant both of you, so you guys gotta get over these
hurt feelings before somebody gets hurt, okay?
So come on
Hello Harry
Oh God dammit
I told you to come by yourself. Why did you have to bring the fatties?
Dumbledore, Ron and Hermione are my best friends
They're my best friends, and if this information is as important as you say it is
They have a right to hear it
Well I've been wrong before
Get in here hot legs
I was talking to Weasley
Thanks?
Sorry the place is such a sty
Oh my God!
That is a boss Zefron poster
Harry: It's awesome
Just the greatest
You know in every interview I've ever seen him, he just seems like such a
Charismatic uh, humanitarian
You think you like him?
Wrong, because I love him the most
Harry Potter loves Zac Efron more than anybody else in the planet
Ron: He does, that's- that's true
Anyway, no! That's not what we're here to talk about
We're talking about Voldemort
Harry is right. Not necessarily about Zefron
Everybody knows that I like him the most, but uh
About the Dark Lord
If you, uh, were to defeat this guy
You're going to have to know about Horcruxes
Okay. What's um
What's a Horcrux
What is a Horcrux?
Horcrux is one of the most terrifying pieces of magic that a wizard can create. It's-
actually when a wizard takes a piece of his soul and puts it into something else
Why would anybody ever want to do that?
Harry, if you have a Horcrux
you can never truly die
Your body can be dead but your soul can live on
Oh, it makes sense now, Harry
Everyone knows that the night your parents were killed, Voldemort was destroyed
but somehow he survived!
He must have had a Horcrux!
He didn't just have one Horcrux,
He had six of them!
I've already killed the first five for you, so don't worry about that
But you guys have to find the last one with this
The sword of Godric Gryffindor!
That's right
Godric Gryffindor was one of the four founders of Hogwarts
If anything can destroy a Horcrux, that sword is it
This thing is so damn awesome
Oh my God. Every wizard should have a sword!
Not these stupid drum sticks
Forget about them!
Yah!
Yah!
Okay, you know what Dumbledore?
So we know what a Horcrux is, that's all well and good
But how can we find one? Where are they? Where's the last one?
We find them with this
Oh!
Looks like...
Looks like G-Unit bling, but it is actually a Horcrux-seeking medallion
Wait, that's a Horcrux-seeking medallion?
I don't- That sounds a little too convenient
Oh so you have problems with the Time Turner but not the Horcrux-seeking medallion?
Wait, so if he has this piece of bling,
then why are Ron and I even here?
Yeah Voldemort isn't any of our business
Hermione Granger
When one of you's has got a problem,
that means all three of you's has gots a problem
What would Zac Efron say at a time like this?
We're all in this together!
Anyway, you just gotta, you gotta find the Horcruxes
and you gotta destroy them, that's the only way to beat the-
What is in that-
Guests, oh!
It must be the Death Eaters!
They're coming to kill me! Kids, get your beards on
Wh- we don't have any beards!
I thought I told you to bring beards
We have an Invisibility Cloak
Oh well put that on, it's not a beard
Hey, are you Dumbledore?
Oh no no no, you see I've got this beard on
Well have you seen him?
Oh, I thought I saw someone over there by that bureau
but I could have just been imagining what it was that I looked like without this beard on
Alright everybody spread out and look for Dumbledore
He's gotta be around here somewhere
Be careful with the Zac Efron poster, it's an antique
Why do you care so much about Zefron?
I just appreciate his charms
and hair
Harry: Yeah but everybody knows that I like him the best
Ron: Oh my God shut up
What the hell was that?
Ron: Oh my God shut up
I wish that I could say that, it was me
because I feel that I love Zefron the most
But it was definitely a voice from within this room
Is it an invisible man?
Could the predator be in the room?
Begin invisible man search!
Alright, it's me!
It's Dumbledore
Dumbledore, where'd you come from?
The man with the beard turned me in
Now we've got you right where we want you
Yes, but what I don't understand is how
We had the help of a man on the inside
Someone you trusted
Someone you may have even loved
Slughorn?
Lockheart?
Aberforth,
my brother?
No
It was me
Malfoy, you little shit!
That's right Dumbledore
I betrayed everyone
And now I'm going to kill you
Oh no you're not. Draco,
If you were gonna kill me you would have done so already
No! No, no
Not necessarily true!
I just wanted to offer you one more game of Connect Four before I offed you
Draco, there are other options
You know it is time you looked inside yourself
and figured out what it is that you really want
I want Hermione Granger!
and a rocketship
Well why didn't you just take the girl out for a Happy Meal?
Go to space camp, come on
Murder leads to a life of despair and desperation
I know you're gonna do the right thing, hey?
Atta boy
What the devil is going on here?
Dumbledore: Severus, thank you
What the devil is going on here?
Dumbledore: Severus, thank you
We've got Dumbledore cornered
Well, what are we waiting for?
Kill him! Do it, Draco!
I don't think I can
Coward!
Ten points from Gryffindor!
I don't understand
I gave you my letterman's jacket
It never fit
Oh God!
Why didn't you tell me?
I could have shrunk it with magic
Severus, please don't kill me!
Avada Kedavra!
Harry: I hate Snape!
I hate Snape! I hate Snape. I hate him
I'm gonna kill him
Hermione: It's not your fault, Harry
No it is my fault, don't you get it?
Everybody's dying because of me
First Cedric, now Dumbledore
I can't do it anymore
Ron: Come on, let's go to The Burrow. Come on!
No don't you get it?
I have to do this by myself
I did it once when I was a baby
I can't have you guys be near me. You're too much at risk
Hermione: N-no, we don't care about the risk!
No you don't understand. You-
You have to get away from me
Ron: You can't mean that
I do!
Just leave me alone!
Cornelius Fudge! The Minister of Magic
I still don't believe you're back
Believe this Fudge!
Avada Kedavra!
A heart attack. Surely!
Yes! Yes!
The Ministry has fallen! Yes!
Now you're the Minister
Nay, the king of all magic!
Oh, Voldemort
Take me right here
Right now, right here on the Minister's desk
I'm gonna getcha
I'm gonna getcha!
Come here, Trixy!
Oh, wait
You wanna try something new?
Oh, so new!
Get on the desk
Now sit up,
Bitch
Yes, command me, my Lord
That's nice
So what do we do now?
Anything we want
Hang out mostly
We could watch a movie
How's about "She's All That"?
I've never seen the beginning of it
Are you feeling okay, my Lord?
Of course I am, Quirrell
Alright, that's the dozenth time you've called me that!
No, I uh
I called you a squirrel
I-I... called you a squirrel
No. You're thinking on that peon we sent to Azkaban
He's not a peon
He's more a man than you'll ever be
I can't do this
If I'm going to be evil with all of you, I need to be evil with all of you
Evil with all of me? Wh-
What does that mean?
I know I'm right here
No
There are pieces of you missing
Are you talking about my Horcruxes?
'Cause- 'cause if it
If it weren't for those I wouldn't even be here right now!
I can't remember Dad
And I can't remember Mom
Aunts and uncles aren't quite the same
But I had him
And life seemed fair
Yes I had him
He was there
To give me strength, show concern
Ask for nothing in return
Say hello, talk me though
Do the things that fathers should do
And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
There it is. He's gone
And he's hung me out to dry
The joy he said he felt, well
I guess it was a lie
But when I had him
My life was fine
When I had him
He was mine
He'd share his thoughts, be a friend
Stick with me until the end
Watch a movie, rollerskate
Fill the world with fear and hate
And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
Now I'm all alone
Now you're gone for good
Now I'm stuck right here
Wishing I understood
You gave me hope when my spells weren't right
You gave me someone to hold every night
And I'm missing you
Harry: I'm just missing you
And I'm missing you
Harry: I'm just missing you
Quirrell: And I'm missing you
Harry: I'm just missing you
Quirrell: And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
Quirrell: And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
My Dark Lord, news from Severus Snape
Dumbledore is dead and the dementors have control of the castle
Hogwarts is yours, my Dark Lord!
Excellent!
Prepare my flying machine!
Looks like I'm going back to Hogwarts!
Ginny: Harry!
Ginny, what are you doing here? Get out of here!
No there's no place to go! The Death Eaters are all over the castle
I know and they're looking for me
and if they find me, they're gonna be with me
Y-you're gonna, you're gonna get in trouble! Get out of here
Well what are you gonna do?
I don't know Ginny, I'm not cut out for this kind of thing
Well no you have to do something. I don't know what you can do
but you can do it!
You're Harry Potter
No!
You're the Boy Who Lived!
No Ginny, you don't get it!
None of you guys get it, I-
I'm just a twelve year old kid
Ginny I'm sorry but
I'm alone
It's hopeless, right?
I've been alone
Surrounded by darkness
And I've seen how heartless
The world... can be
And I've seen you crying
You felt like it's hopeless
And I'll always do my best
To make... you see
'Cause Harry, you're not alone
'Cause you're here with me
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down 'cause nothing can
Keep me from loving you
And you know it's true
It don't matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through
Now I know it ain't easy
Harry: Know it ain't easy
But it ain't hard trying
Harry: So hard trying
But it ain't hard trying
Harry: So hard trying
Everytime I see you smiling
And I feel you so close to me
Tell me
'Cause baby you're not alone
'Cause you're here with me
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down 'cause nothing can
Keep me from loving you
And you know it's true
It don't matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through
Well I still have trouble
I trip and stumble, trying to
Make sense of things sometimes
I look for reasons
But I don't need them
All I need is to look in your eyes
And I realize
Ron: Hey Harry
Baby you're not alone
'Cause you're here with me
And nothing's ever gonna take us down
'Cause nothing can keep me from loving you
Harry: Loving you
And you know it's true
Harry: Loving you
And you know it's true
It don't matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through
Guys
I'm so glad you came back. I'm sorry I shouted
'Cause it don't matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need
Ron: To make it
To make
To make
To make it
Through
Alright now that we've got that four part harmony out of the way
Why don't we go for that Horcrux?
Yeah let's do it
Well
It could be anywhere
If I had a Horcrux I would drop it in the bottom of the ocean
Or I would put it in a pyramid with King Tut and all of his jewels
Or I would blast it into space with a monkey who knew nothing about Horcruxes
Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British countryside
Our search could entail months of depressing camping,
breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion
Well the medallion says that dumb, so we're not gonna do that
But it does say that it's in one convenient place
Get this, Hogwarts. Wouldn't you know it?
That's awesome. I love Hogwarts
Harry: What's even better
It's in Dumbledore's office!
Oh, bitchin'
Hermione: Awesome!
Oh, bitchin'
So let's go. Oh wait a second, wait a second
Hold the phone, how did you get here?
The Death Eaters are all over Hogwarts
I had help
From who?
Oh he's over here
Malfoy!
Oh, no, no, no, no. He's really nice now
Um, I just wanted to say
that song you guys sang was really beautiful
And um, while- while I was backstage
I was, um, working on my harmonizing
And I thought, um, maybe I could- maybe I could join you but ya-
Wrapped it up before I could chime in there
Maybe if you uh, if you do a reprise I could have a little go at it
So, um, but as- as Ginny said
I'm really nice now
And I just feel awful about what happened
But I mean
Could you argue that this was my fault?
Ron: Yes, all-
Harry: Absolutely, you're an asshole all the time
Hermione: Yes, yes
Harry: Absolutely, you're an asshole all the time
Yeah, that would be a safe argument
Uh, but
Let me ask you one question
Do you think... I'm happy about this?
Oh my God Malfoy
Just because you're upset doesn't mean you're off the hook
Harry: Yeah, and further more
Do you want to kick your own ass or should we do it for you?
Ron: Yeah
Oh, uh
Well I guess if you're giving me the option
I'll... I'll kick my own ass
But, first I should teach you how to get into Dumbledore's office
It's ironically the same way the Death Eaters got in
Okay, alright. Well why don't you boys head off to Dumbledore's office, okay?
Ginny and I will take the Invisibility Cloak
And uh, we will see if we can contact the Order of the Phoenix
We really haven't seen them the whole play
Harry: Okay, that's a good plan
Okay, now don't touch me but let's get out of here
That's good
Ron: Um, hey, hey Hermione!
Here come here, come here
Come downstage
Uh listen
Shit
Um, alright
Uh, hey
So...
I've been acting like a real jerk-ass lately
You know that
And uh, and I'm sorry
It's just, it's just seeing you dance with everyone at the Yule Ball
just made me kind of jealous
I was- I was jealous
You were jealous?
That's the third time I said I'm jealous
Uh, well Ron, we don't really have to talk about this right now
Well what if the Death Eaters get us?
What if we don't come back, you know?
Ron, don't say that-
Whoa
Oh my God
Oh, no way
Take that
Blueberry
Yeah I can taste that
Good. Let it settle
Yeah, yeah
It's ungodly
Take two, take two
You chew it
Awesome
LET'S GO KILL VOLDEMORT!
You blokes see this Zefron poster?
Ron: Yeah we know Malfoy
Harry: We already know about it
Listen Malfoy, it's not that big of a deal
Can we just look for some Horcruxes please?
Ron: Roger
This thing of pencils a Horcrux?
No that's not a Horcrux
Nope
This has a Horcrux?
Nope
Draco: Powdered Donettes?
Nope. Those are snacks
Those are snacks
This a Horcrux?
Try again
This could take forever
He owns so many things in this room
But the only thing of real value
That Zefron poster
Wait a second
Draco: No
You don't think...
No
Anything related to Zac Efron would never be anything evil
Ron: That's impossible. No way
Ron! Kill it!
Kill it, it's the last Horcrux
Kill it Ron!
Draco: Don't kill it!
Kill it Ron!
Draco: Don't kill it!
It's Zefron!
No he's so charismatic!
Don't kill me!
I'm not your enemy
Potter is the enemy
No no no Harry is my friend
You gotta get your head in the game, Weasley!
He will betray you
He will take that which you want the most
It's a lie, Ron! Don't listen to it, he's lying
I know your thoughts Ronald Weasley
I know what you truly desire
Hermione: Hello Ron
Oh my God Hermione, you've lost weight
That's right. I'm in shape for Harry Potter
Wait, what- Harry?
That's right!
As long as Harry's around you'll always be second best, least loved
But if Harry Potter were gone, then we could be together forever
Ron! It's not true. It's not true, Ron
Yeah Harry's my friend
But don't you want me Ron?
Yes
Don't you love me Ron?
Ron: Yes!
Don't you love me Ron?
Then you know what you gotta do, Ron!
Ron: Yes!
Then you know what you gotta do, Ron!
Yes
I must kill Harry
That's right Weasley!
Harry: Ron! No!
That's right Weasley!
It's a trick, Ron. Don't listen to her!
That's right Weasley!
It's a trick, Ron. Don't listen to her!
Stop it!
Listen, Hermione's my best- two of my best friends!
I would never do anything to hurt you or her!
Lies Weasley! All lies. You will cower in hell!
Ron it's not true! You're my best friend, man. My best friend!
Kill him!
Ron it's not true! You're my best friend, man. My best friend!
Ron it's not true! You're my best friend, man. My best friend!
Kill him!
Do it again
Oh just- put some tape on this, it's fine
Ron
You had me going there for a minute, buddy
Oh yeah
Sorry about that, pal. It was just...
Everything she was saying, you know, and it feels like I couldn't
I dunno...
What?
Even if that's
how she did feel about you and me
Well, it wouldn't matter
'Cause you're my best friend
I would never... do anything to hurt you
Because I love you
I love you too, man
Come on
I love you man, that's so great...
My best friend-
I love you man, that's so great...
My best friend-
No touching, no, no
Well um, listen chaps
As fun as this was, I thought destroying a Horcrux would be much harder
Yeah
Me too
'Cause when you think about it
Horcruxes are just kind of stupid
Yeah look at that
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Bellatrix: Wands down boys!
How did you idiots get captured? You were invisible
Hermione: Sorry!
Do it Potter! Or they die!
Well, looks like we've got our backs up against the wall with nowhere to go
Put you swords down, and wands
Aww, look at itty bitty Harry Potter giving orders to his itty bitty diaper friends!
I'm not a baby! I'm not a baby, I'm twelve and I killed a Horcrux
Snape: What the devil is going on here?
I'm not a baby! I'm not a baby, I'm twelve and I killed a Horcrux
Snape: What the devil is going on here?
Whoa, d?j? vu, I'm so...
Bellatrix: Victory Snape!
I love it! We have Potter and his friends at last!
You are a very mean person!
Yeah and Dumbledore trusted you
Yeah you're a big fat traitor Snape
Oh a traitor am I, Potter?
You're exactly right
I am a traitor
Because I'm about to betray someone
Right now
Hiya!
Bat-Bogey Hex!
No!
Expelliarmus!
Serpensortia!
My wiener!
Snape! No, Snape!
Don't even think about moving unless any one of you wants a snake to the wiener!
Now come on Potter, you're coming with me
Only the Dark Lord has reserved the right to kill you. Come on!
Kids!
Mom!?
Mrs. Weasley?
Who the hell are you?
I'm Molly Weasley and those are my kids
Avada Kedavra!
That is not fair!
Die! Bitch
Holy shit!
Mom you just killed her!
I thought you were going to tuck in her shirt or make her do the dishes!
Stupid!
Ow! Ow! Ow
Deperate time calls for deperate measures
Even the Unforgivable can be considered forgivable sometimes.
What are you doing here?
We came here with the Order of the Phoenix
Lupin, Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody, Sirius Black, and your brother Fred
Oh great, where are they?
They're all dead
Fred... no!
Anyway...
Just came here to save your lives, go back to what you were doing
Disapparate!
Snape! Snape, Snape
Um, uh... Expelliarmus!
Die! Die!
No... Harry this does not look good. That is a coral snake
And a coral snake is a highly poisonous snake
Snape: Potter, she's right
And a coral snake is a highly poisonous snake
Snape: Potter, she's right
It's too late for me now
Before I go, I need to tell you
There is another Horcrux
How can that be? All six have been destroyed
No, no there's a seventh
I really hope it's not an Ashley Tisdale poster. I can't do that
Take the medallion
Doesn't say anything
But give it to Granger
Wait but... it says there's one right here but I don't understand
Yeah
Harry, the night Voldemort killed your parents
He tried to destroy you but his body was destroyed instead
When that happened, a part of his soul was blasted away from the whole
And attached itself...
to you
Voldemort can never truly die until all the Horcruxes have been destroyed
But if... if Harry's a Horcrux, I mean, does Harry have to be destroyed?
There's got to be another way
No, Potter. I'll show you what you need to do
Watch very carefully
He... he didn't even do anything
That's cause he's dead you dumb mother-
People of Hogwarts
My Death Eaters have taken the castle
And your headmaster, Albus Dumbledore... he's dead
Continue to resist, and you will all be killed one by one
But... there need not be war between us
You all fought so valiantly
And I'm willing to offer you positions in my new world order
as my slaves
Give up now and be forgiven
I command my Death Eaters to stand down
Now, Harry Potter. I speak directly to you
You do not wish for those closest to you to continue to suffer and die on your behalf
You will come face me yourself
I will be waiting for you in the Forbidden Forest for one hour
At the end of that hour you have not come to face me, have not- turned yourself in...
The battle recommences
This time, Potter, I shall enter the frame myself
And I will find you
And I will murder every last man, women, and child
Who has tried to conceal you from me
Voldemort out, bitches
Alright guys don't worry. We- we still have an hour
Okay? We just need to come up with a plan
No, there's- there's no plan Hermione. I know what I have to do. I-
I have to die
No no no no there's got to be another way
Well, m-maybe there's something, uh
Maybe there's something in this book
You know we- we could find some sort of enchantment that will nullify-
No, no forget about it. There-
There's only one thing to do
I have to die
I love you all
Except you Draco, I can't *** stand you
Goodbye
Ginny: Harry...
Ron: Harry!
Ginny: Harry...
He's not coming, my Lord
It seems that way
Well Death Eaters
Looks like we're going back to seize the castle
This is what Potter has chosen
It's funny I... I expected him to
I expected him to come
It seems I was mistaken
Harry: You weren't!
Harry Potter!
The Boy Who Lived
Crucio!
Ow...
Crucio!
You're not even going to fight back
You're weak
Weak
Just like your...
Parents
They did not deserve to live in this world
In my world!
Prepare to join them
Prepare
To die
Avada Kedavra!
Voldy! Voldy!
You've done it my Lord. Potter is dead!
No one shall ever question your powers again!
Yes
Doesn't this please you my Lord?
Yeah
Yeah it's great, it's great
I just thought it might make me feel less empty inside
Well Death Eaters
We go back to Hogwarts to tell them of what has become of their
Hero
Dumbledore: Hey Harry
Harry: Whoa!
Dumbledore, wha-?
What are you doing here? What am- where am I?
I thought I was dead. I got shot by Voldemort
Let's just say you're somewhere between our world and the next
What? Did I survive? What... what happened?
Wouldn't be the first time, Potter
Take a seat
Alright
Harry
Have you ever heard of a lo- Sit down!
Have you ever heard of a love shield?
Uh... no but it sounds kind of
Kind of fruity
A love shield is anything but fruity
It's when somebody loves you so much that if they were ever willing to give their live for you
That love literally becomes a shield that surrounds your body
To protect you from any form of Dark Magic
So is that what just happened to me?
I have a love shield?
Harry, it's time for you to learn all the things you should have known seven years ago
Which really would have helped you along the way
The love shield protected you the first time, uh
Voldemort accidentally turned you into the seventh Horcrux
The one that not even he knew about. Uh...
Exactly, and when Voldemort tried killing you this time
He was actually unknowingly killing the piece of himself inside of you
Uh, and I've known the whole time
You knew this whole time? You bastard
Hey, hey
You knew this whole time? You bastard
Hey, hey
They don't call me the greatest wizard who ever lived for nothing
Harry, it is time for you to get your cute little butt back there
and fight him as a mortal man
Except this time, he will be a mortal man too
Dumbledore, I get what you're saying. I know what I have to do
Good boy, good boy
Hey, before I go... um
So you're clairvoyant now, right?
You can see the past, the present, and the future all the same time?
Oh yeah
You can see the past, the present, and the future all the same time?
Can you tell me how Lost ends?
Harry, there are some questions that even I can't answer
Thanks man
Hey, no problem. Get out of here
Third door on your left, yeah
Are you ready to go Dumbledore?
Sure am, Rumbleroar!
And you're sure you don't want to let Harry Potter know that you're really still alive?
Ahh no
Pigfarts has been a closely guarded secret for thousands of years
It'd be a shame to let the cat out of the bag
No pun intended
I supposed you're right
Do you have your spacesuit, Dumbledore?
Oh! Thank you for reminding me!
Ready to go, Rumby?
I sure am
To Pigfarts!
Rumbleroar!
People of Hogwarts
It's me
Harry Potter... is dead
He was killed while running away, trying to save himself
While you laid down your lives for him
The battle is won!
My Death Eaters outnumber you
You continue to resist and be slaughtered
Come out of the castle!
Kneel before me, and you may be spared
Ah shit
Okay, um...
Alright, uh you guys. You guys barricade the door
Go with, with the bench. Go, go. Do it. Do it right now
Um, Cho!
You- you see if Neville's dead
Um, you guys! Uh, go get snacks!
Ah shit we barricaded the door
Me... I will... will- quick
Well, there's only one thing we need to do. We're gonna fight
Ugh, come on I'm tired
Can't we just be Death Eaters?
No! No we can't just be Death Eaters
Okay?
We are gonna fight! Okay?
And we are gonna fight so hard!
That we are gonna win
He thinks that we're finished
He thinks that we're done
He thinks that it's over
His battle is won
Ha!
He thinks that we're finished
No, but we're aren't through
Stop and think, my friends. What would Harry do for you?
Never gave up the fight
Harry stood up for what is right
Well now it's our turn
Our turn!
Make a joyful sound
Voldemort is going down!
Yah!
Come on!
Come on guys!
Get in a line!
We must unite so we can fight
Turn the battle around!
Time's running out. It's time to shout
Voldemort is going down!
Can't you feel a fire burning?
Now it's time to be a man
A great big, muscley, super big, super hot man!
We won't be pushed around anymore
We'll be a force you cannot ignore
We'll be an army for Dumbledore
For Dumbledore!
We must unite so we can fight
Turn the battle around!
Time's running out. It's time to shout
Voldemort is going down!
Guys I'm alive!
Ron: You're back!
Guys, I know how to defeat Voldemort
Everybody follow me, okay?
We're gonna beat him
We must unite so we can
FIGHT!
Turn the battle around!
Time's running out. It's time to shout!
Voldemort is going...
We must unite, so we can fight
Voldemort is going...
Voldemort is going down!
Cho! No, no no no it's cool. We barricaded it
It's alright. He can't get in. We barricaded the two doors and it's fine
It's impossible. It's impossible. Don't worry about it-
Avada Kedavra!
What!?
Potter!?
How many times do I have to kill you, boy?
Clearly more than once
But it's all over Voldemort, 'cause you can't kill me this time
Nobody help me. I gotta do this by myself
He doesn't mean that!
It's not how he operates, is it boy?
Who you gonna use as a human shield this time, Potter?
Harry: Don't-
Hermione: Ron!
Harry: Don't-
Ron: Oh
Nobody! Because this time it's just you and me
Because all the Horcruxes are gone. I destroyed them all
What?
Even my Zefron poster!?
Especially the Zefron poster!
No! Curse you, Potter! You'll die for that!
No! I won't, I won't
Because you can't kill me, and you can't kill any of these people
What the **** you on about?
You don't learn from your mistakes, do you Voldemort?
I was prepared to die to save these people
But you didn't!
Yes, but I meant to
And that's what did it
I've done what my mother did for me for these people
I've given them magical sanctuary so you can't hurt me
Or these people ever again!
So what?
Who cares about these children?
It's you I want dead, Potter
What's to stop you from dying when I strike?
Just one thing
Think about all the people you've hurt, Voldemort
All the lives you've destroyed
All the people you've killed
Okay?
Maybe try a little slice of remorse pie
What?
There's got to be one person... one thing in your life that you miss
You regret
Well, maybe there's one I...
No! There isn't!
The joke's on you, Potter!
I don't care about anybody!
I know
And that's what makes you such a piece of shit
'Cause here at Hogwarts we all stick together
We love one another. We're friends
My love's protected these guys
And their love is all I need to protect me from you
Let's put that theory to the test, Potter
Avada Kedavra!
Harry: Expelliarmus!
Cho: Well chocolate frogs! Harry Potter did it, y'all!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa whoa whoa
Listen, Harry
What?
Just wanna let you guys know, um
That I'm totally cool with it. Go on
Go, make out with him. Come on. Make out with me
Guys, I mean, I guess that about ties up all the loose ends!
Yeah! Everything's cool!
Oh! Except for the House Cup Tournament
Neville: Kids! Kids, look at this
I found Dumbledore's will
Harry: Dumbledore's will?
It says in the event of my death, Gryffindor wins the House Cup!
It also says that Hogwarts goes to Harry Potter
My chocolate factory goes to Charlie
And Toontown goes to the Toons!
Hey guys, well I guess all the professors are dead, so
Butterbeer's on me!
Free to go
Quirrell: Thank you
Dementor: You know
While I was devouring every single one of your happy thoughts
They all seem to be about a certain friend of yours
Care to talk?
No, no that's behind me now
Sorry
Well did you hear the news?
Voldemort is dead!
Yeah, good luck getting off this impenetrable island
Dead!?
Hey you
Voldemort is it... is it really you?
What's left of me
But I just heard that you were-
Destroyed
Yeah
But Quirrell there's
There's part of me... that's still here
And I can't go on to the next plane without it
It's a part of me that can't be destroyed
Because it's right
in...
Here
In my heart?
So you came back?
I came home
And you don't want to kill Harry Potter anymore?
No...
No
Because I learned something when I had my body back, Quirrell
I learned that life is
really messy
...complicated and
And it doesn't turn out the way that you think it will
And that- you-
You think killing people might make them like you but it doesn't
It just makes people dead
I got ki- I got killed by a two year old!
And it's really embarrassing, and everyone says
"When you gonna come back Voldemort?"
"When you gonna take over the world?"
And it's on me! It's all on me!
And I'm sitting there by myself 'cause no one wants to help
And I say to myself
Maybe with Quirrell things would be okay
Is okay good?
Quirrell
Okay is wonderful
Baby you're not alone
'Cause you're here with me
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down 'cause nothing can
Keep me from loving you
And you know it's true
It don't matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through
feel the glares of my cousin,
my uncle, and my aunt
I can't believe how cruel they are
and it stings my lightning scar to know they'll never
ever give me what I want
I know I don't deserve these
stupid rules made by the Dursleys here on
Privet Drive
I can't take all of these muggles
but despite all of my struggles
I'm still alive
I'm sick of summer and this waiting around
man it's September and I'm skipping this town
Hey it's no mystery
there's nothing here for me now
I gotta get back to Hogwarts
I gotta get back to school
I gotta get myself to Hogwarts
Where everybody knows I'm cool
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love and it's all that I need at
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
I think I'm going back
I'll see my friends gonna laugh 'till we cry
Take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky
No way this year anyone's gonna die
and it's gonna be totally awesome
I'll cast some spells with the flick of my wand
Defeat the Dark Arts, yeah bring it on
and do it all with my best friend Ron
'cause together we're totally awesome
Ron: Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome!
Did somebody say Ron Weasley?
Harry: What's up buddy?
Ron: Hey, what's up?
Harry: What's up buddy?
Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here
Harry: What's up buddy?
Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here
I had to go get some... Floo Powder
but uh, we gotta get going- come on get your trunk let's go
Where we going?
To Diagon Alley of course!
Harry: Cool!
Ron: Come on!
Harry: Cool!
Ron: Come on!
Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power!
It's been so long, but we're going back
Don't go for work, don't go there for class
As long as we're together, gonna kick some ass
and it's gonna be totally awesome!
This year we'll take everybody by storm
stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm
Hermione: But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class
if we want to pass our O.W.L.s
God Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzzkill?
Because guys, school's not all about having fun
We need to study hard if we want to be good witches and wizards
I may be frumpy but I'm super smart
Check out my grades, they're A's for a start!
What I lack in looks well I make up in heart
and well guys, yeah that's totally awesome!
This year I plan to study a lot
Ron: That would be cool if you were actually hot!
Harry: Hey Ron, come on, we're the only friend's that she's got
Harry: And that's cool
Hermione: And that's totally awesome
Harry: And that's cool
Yeah, it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!
We're sick of summer and this waiting around
it's like we're sitting in the lost and found
Don't take no sorcery for anyone to see how
We gotta get back to Hogwarts!
We gotta get back to school
We gotta get back to Hogwarts
Where everything is magic-cooool
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love and it's all that I need at
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
I think we're going back
Ginny: Ron...!
You're supposed to take me to Madame Malkin's and use those sickles mom gave you for my robe fitting!
Harry: Uh who's this?
This is stupid little dumb sister Ginny. She's a freshmen.
Ginny, this is Harry. Harry Potter
This is Harry Potter
You're Harry Potter... you're The Boy Who Lived
Yeah, and you're Ginny
It's Ginevra
Cool... Ginny's fine
Stupid sister!
Don't crowd the famous friend
Hermione: Hey, do you guys hear music or something?
Harry: Music? What are you talking about?
Ron: Yeah, someone's coming
Harry: Music? What are you talking about?
Ron: Yeah, someone's coming
Harry: Someone's coming...
Cho Chang!
Domo arigato. Cho Chang!
Gung Hey Fat, Choy Chang
Happy, happy New Year
Cho Chang!
Ginny: Whoa... who's that?
Harry: That's Cho Chang
Ron: That's the girl Harry's totally been in love with since freshmen year
Hermione: Yeah but he won't say anything to her
Ron: Well yeah, you never tell a girl you like her it makes you look like an idiot
Ginny: Konnichiwa Cho Chang
It is good to meet you. I am Ginny Weasley
Bitch I ain't Cho Chang!
That's Lavender Brown!
Racist sister!
Harry: Racist, yeah that's racist
Racist sister!
Harry: Racist, yeah that's racist
Hey, it's alright!
I'm Cho Chang y'all
Harry: She is totally perfect!
Ron: Yeah, too bad she's dating Cedric Diggory though, huh?
What? Who the hell is Cedric Diggory?
What is that? Who is that guy?
Cedric: Cho Chang...
I am so in love, with Cho Chang
from Bangkok to Ding Dang
I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang
Harry: I hate that guy! I hate him!
Ron: So are we gonna get those robes or not?
Ginny: Okay alright I'm going!
Ron: God sister!
Ginny: Okay alright I'm going!
Ron: God sister!
Goyle: Present your arm nerd!
Neville: W-what what why?
Goyle: Indian Burn Hex!
Ron: Crabbe and Goyle...
Harry: Hey, hey why don't you leave Neville Longbottom alone, huh?
Ginny: Are you okay?
Harry: Hey, hey why don't you leave Neville Longbottom alone, huh?
Harry: Hey, hey why don't you leave Neville Longbottom alone, huh?
Goyle: Well, well, well if it isn't Harry Potter
You think all because you're famous, you can boss everyone around!
Harry: No I just don't think it's cool for guys of your size to be picking on guys like Neville, come on!
Oh well you know what I think?
I think glasses are for nerds!
Break!
We hate nerds!
Crabbe: And girls!
We hate nerds!
Ron: Well you asked for it
You don't mess with Harry Potter, he beat the Dark Lord when he was a baby!
Hermione: Alright, everyone just calm down
Oculus Reparo!
Whoa cool!
Now let's leave these big baby childish jerks alone!
Did someone say Draco Malfoy?
Harry: What do you want, Draco?
Draco: Crabbe, Goyle
Be a pair of turtle doves so go pay for my robes will you?
So... Potter! Back for another year of Hogwarts are you?
Maybe this year you'll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizard!
Harry: Hey listen
Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world, I wouldn't trade them for anything
Have it your way
Wait... don't tell me!
Red hair, hand-me-down clothes, and a stupid complexion...
You must be a Weasley!
Ron: Oh my God lay off Malfoy! She may be a pain in the ass, okay?
but she's my pain in the ass
Well isn't this cute?
It's like a little loser family!
Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs
Luckily next year...
I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!
This year you bet, gonna get out of here
The reign of Malfoy is drawing near
I'll have the greatest wizard career
It's gonna be totally awesome!
Look out world for the dawn of the day
when everyone will do
Whatever I say!
and Potter won't be in my way
and then I'll be the one who is totally awesome!
Goyle: Yeah you'll be the one who is totally awesome!
Hermione: Guys come on we're gonna miss the train!
Who knows how fast this year's gonna go?
Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow
Harry: Maybe at last, I'll talk to Cho!
Ron: Oh no, that'd be way too awesome
We're back to learn everything that we can
It's great to come back to where we began
and here we are- and Alakazam!
Here we go, this is totally awesome!
Come on and teach us everything you know
The summer's over and we're itching to go
Neville: I think we're ready for
Albus Dumbledore!
Dumbledore: Welcoooooome
all of you to Hogwarts
I welcome all of you to school
Did you know that here at Hogwarts
we've got a hidden swimming pool?
Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts
Welcome hotties, nerds, and tools
Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts
I'd like to go over just a couple of rules
My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am headmaster at Hogwarts
You can all call me Dumbledore
Of course you could always call me Albus if you wanted detention
I'm just kidding, I'll expel you if you call me Albus
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love and it's all that I need at
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends
To Griffindor! Hufflepuff! Ravenclaw!
SLYTHERINS!
Back to the place where our story begins at
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Dumbledore: I'm sorry what's it's name?
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Dumbledore: I'm sorry what's it's name?
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Dumbledore: I didn't hear you kids!
Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Harry: Man I'm glad I'm back
Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts
and a very special welcome to my favorite student
Mister Harry Potter
He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby
He's even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it
And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Griffindor,
Mister Ginny-
Excuse me, Misses Ginny Weasley
Ginny: Yeah, I'm a girl... and um, also
Aren't we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat?
Dumbledore: Well um, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat
He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing
So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference
aren't going to be back until next year
Basically I've just been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor
anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin
and the other two could just go wherever the hell they want
I don't really care
Cedric: Hufflepuffs are particularly good Finders!
What the hell is a Hufflepuff?
Anyway it's time for me to introduce my very good friend
our own Potions professor,
Mister Severus Snape
Ron: Aw man
That Snape, I'd hoped they'd fired that guy
Ginny: Why? What's wrong with Professor Snape?
Ron: Uh, nothing. He's just, uh
the Devil
Ron: He's Harry's nemesis, look at him
Harry: Come on Ron, he's really not that bad. I don't know what you're talking about-
Snape: Harry Potter...
Detention
What?
For talking out of turn
Now before we begin, I'm going to give you all your very, very first
Pop quiz
Hermione: Yesss...
Can anyone tell me what a Portkey is?
Ah yes, Miss Granger
A Portkey is an enchanted object that when touched
will transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere in the globe decided upon by the enchanter
Ah very good...
Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?
Yes Miss Granger?
Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point
is mentioned earlier in the story to return later in a more significant way
Perfect!
So... What's a- what's a Portkey exactly?
Hermione: Oh, a Portkey is something that when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere
Ron: Not you-
Hermione: Oh, a Portkey is something that when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere
Oh my God...
Hermione: Oh, a Portkey is something that when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere
And remember a Portkey can be any sort of seemly harmless object like
a football or...
A dolphin
Professor?
Can like a person be a Portkey?
No that's absurd
Because then if a person were to touch themselves...
They would constantly be transported into different places
A person can however be a Horcrux
What's a... what's a Horcrux?
I'm not even going to tell you Harry, you'll find out soon enough
Professor, what is the point of this quiz?
Oh no, no no point in particular
Just important information that everyone should know
Especially you
Now moving right along, we've got our four houses in all
Gryffindor
Ravenclaw
Hufflepuff
Cedric: Find!
Snape: What?
And Slytherin
Now traditionally...
Traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking
Example:
Ten points from Gryffindor
for Miss Granger's excessive baby fat
Thanks Hermione
Traditionally the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup
however this year we're doing things a bit differently
Here to introduce it is our new Professor of the Dark Arts
Professor Quirrell
Harry: Ow ow oww
Hermione: Harry, what's wrong?
Harry: Ow ow oww
Hermione: Harry, what's wrong?
The House Cup
a time honored tradition
for centuries-
Draco: Go home terrorist!
For centuries... the four houses of Hogwarts
have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House Champion
But where does this competition come from and what are the roots of the tradition?
The House Cup Tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students
That was a rhetorical question
Dumbledore: Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor
Ron: Thanks Hermione
Quirrell: As I was saying...
When the tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort
One champion from each of the four houses would complete a series of dangerous tasks
Challenges- the winner would not only win the cup
He would also win eternal glory
Hermione: Kind of like a House Cup- or no, a Triwizard Tournament!
Quirrell: Yes. Sort of like the Triwizard Tournament
except no, not like that at all
There are four houses
How can it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?
Well uh Professor if I remember correctly
the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester
when one of its students was killed during the first task
Yes, it is very dangerous
but the rewards far outweigh the risks
I don't think you heard me. I just said somebody died!
Dumbledore: Hermione Granger shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth
and quit interrupting. Twenty more points!
Ron: Thanks Hermione!
God...
For the cleverest witch of your age, you really can be a dumbass sometimes
Ten points to Dumbledore
Yes, yes well it will be very dangerous
but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come
And as professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts
I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-
ACHOO!
Dumbledore: Gesundheit
Did your turban just sneeze?
W-what? N-no
I could have sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction but your mouth wasn't moving
No... that-
That was simply a fart, excuse me
ACHOO!
Harry: Ow ow oww! Oww, oh...
Jeez... oh my God oww
Quirrell: I must be going
Jeez... oh my God oww
Jeez... oh my God oww
ACHOO!
Quirrell: I've simply farted once more, excuse me.
Dumbledore: In co-ordinance with the newly resurrected House Cup
a champion from each house will be selected to compete
So Snape, would you do us the honors please?
Yes headmaster
First, from the Ravenclaw house...
Miss Cho Chang
Oh my God I've won- I can't believe it, y'all!
And next from Hufflepuff...
a Mister Cedric Diggory
Well I don't find this surprising at all
Cho: I find it perfect
now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend
I'm glad as well my darling
Snape: And next, from the Slytherin house...
A Draco Malfoy
I finally beat you didn't I, Potter?
What do you think of that, huh?
I'm the champion this time!
Dumbledore: Draco would you sit down you little shit?
Champion's just a title
Snape: And finally from the Gryffindor house...
Oh my
Well isn't this curious?
The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against
is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life
Neville: If it's me, I'll apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing
Sit down you inarticulate bumble
It's Harry Potter
Dumbledore: Well here they are folks, the four Hogwarts champions
I want all of you to start preparing immediately because the first task is in two months
and it could be anything
So let's get to it!
Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang!
Draco: Malfoy! Malfoy! Mal- Mal...
Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang!
Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang!
Ron: Harry
You got this tournament in the bag
I don't know man... Cedric Diggory, he's pretty awesome-
NOT!
He sucks. We're totally gonna win, it's in the bag
I don't know, Harry
Ron: OH MY GOD
I don't know, Harry
Ron: OH MY GOD
Hermione, shut up.
Why do you have you rain on everybody's parade?
Because, Ron, this is dangerous!
Dangerous? Oh come on Hermione, how dangerous can it be?
Especially for me
Well- you're not invincible, Harry. Somebody died in this tournament.
Uh, I'm The Boy That Lived
Not died. Duhh
What's the worst that can happen?
And I don't know about that Quirrell character
You know, first he resurrects some horrible ancient tournament
Then- then he bumps into you and your scar starts to hurt
and you have to admit, there is something really funky about the back of his head
Come on, think about it
Professor Quirrell is a professor, and who hires the professors?
Dumbledore
The smartest, most awesomest
Practical wizard
Beautiful wizard
in the whole world
Why... why would he possibly hire somebody who's trying to hurt me?
W-What about Snape?
Yeah what about him?
He's hated you for years
and he's hated your parents too, Harry, everybody knows that
and he just so happens to pick your name out of the House Cup, out of hundreds
if not, five possible Gryffindors?
Yeah... what a coincidence. We lucked out
No- no Harry, I don't think it is a coincidence
When you defeated Voldemort, you made a lot of enemies. Ones you may not even know about
Harry: Okay
When you defeated Voldemort, you made a lot of enemies. Ones you may not even know about
When you defeated Voldemort, you made a lot of enemies. Ones you may not even know about
Harry: Alright cool, so let me get this straight
When you defeated Voldemort, you made a lot of enemies. Ones you may not even know about
Harry: Alright cool, so let me get this straight
So you're saying that this tournament, is just one big ploy to try and kill me
Hermione: I mean, I don't know! Maybe?
Anyway I just think it's dangerous and I don't think you should do it
Alright Hermione if it means that much to you...
I'll drop out
Oh thank you Harry
Ron: Wait, wait
WHAT?
The House Cup?
What about all the eternal glory you'd win? Come on!
Hey... eternal glory
I've already got that
Besides, Neville will be a great champion!
Ron: No, no, no
Besides, Neville will be a great champion!
Ron: No, no, no
I do not want Schlongbottom to be my champion
Okay all you have to do- Oh look
There's Dumbledore. Why don't you just talk to him now and tell him that you're dropping out?
Um... listen, listen Hermione
Dumbledore and I are really, really cool. We're super tight
and I don't want him to think that I'm being lazy or disrespectful or anything
So can you just tell-? Why don't you tell him? Just tell him that I want to work on school or something
Alright? Hey
You got this one. You're the best
Hermione: Alright... okay
Harry: You got it
Hermione: Alright... okay
Harry: Don't worry about it
Hermione: Alright... okay
Hermione: Alright... okay
Dumbledore?
Yes Granger?
I need to talk to you for a moment. It's about the House Cup tournament
Um... well first of all, I think it's an awful idea, but um
Second of all, I don't think Harry Potter should compete
Granger why do you always gotta be such a big ol' stick in the mud, huh?
Pray, tell me why Harry Potter should not compete
Uh... because he- wants to study
Granger, nobody studies at Hogwarts except for you
Uh, okay well he- he wants to focus on the O.W.L.s
Why couldn't Harry have told me this himself? He thinks I'm cool
We're tight!
Ahh... Profess-
I'm a really bad liar, okay? I-
I think it's a ruse. A set up
And I even think Snape might be trying to kill Harry Potter
Dumbledore: Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, gentlest,
sexiest men I have ever met
Severus Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter just about as much as he's trying to kill me
Huh?
Snape: Oh why Professor Dumbledore...
I just happened to be in the kitchen and I made you this
delicious sandwich...
Why thank you Severus! Do you see, Granger? How thoughtful
Here you are Professor
Bomb-appetit
I mean-
Bon appetit...
Um... is that sandwich ticking?
It looks like it's licking
Finger-licking good
Professor, I don't think you should eat that sandwich!
Come on Granger, you gotta listen to Snape more often
You might even get a sandwich out of it, I don't know
Dumbledore: Granger, what the hell-?
Granger, what are you doing!?
You dog-gone exploded my sandwich!
Hermione: I'm sorry Sir!
Hey, even if I did believe that Harry Potter was in danger
He has to compete! You see that cup?
Hermione: Yes!
It's enchanted
Whoever's name comes out of the cup has to compete or the results would be bad
What do you mean bad?
Well, try to imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously
and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light
A total plutonic reversal!
Yeah... so you see he has to compete
then- Hermione if it makes you feel any better
the last guy who died in the tournament was a Hufflepuff
So um...
I'll keep my eyes open, and nothing's gonna get past ol' Dumbledore
Alright
I gotta go make myself another sandwich
although I don't know how it's gonna be as good as the last one
The last one ticked!
Because it was a bomb...
Harry, I'm so sorry but-
I-I think you're going to have to compete in the House Cup tournament
But don't worry. I won't rest until I found out what the first task is gonna be
And I'll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default
Alright, awesome
Draco: Well...
Isn't this touching?
Oh my God just butt out, Malfoy
Goyle and I have a bet, you know
He says you won't last five minutes in this tournament
I disagree
I say you won't last five minutes...
at Pigfarts!
What? Alright, Malfoy, what-
What is Pigfarts?
Oh! Never heard of it?
Hah, figures...
Famous Potter doesn't even know about Pigfarts
Malfoy, don't act like you don't want to talk about it
That's like the ninth time you've mentioned Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?
Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy
It's where I'm being transferred next year
Hermione: Malfoy, I've never heard of that
Draco: That's because Pigfarts...
is on Mars
Harry: Malfoy, you know, we're trying to have a conversation here
so you could just leave us alone
Oh! No, I'm not even here
So anyways, I think we could out what the first task from Dumbledore
Draco: Dumbledore! Pfft!
What an old coot!
He's nothing like Rumbleroar!
Goyle: RUMBLEROAR!
Harry: Anyway, like I was saying-
Draco: Rumbleroar is the headmaster at Pigfarts
He's a lion...
who can talk
Malfoy, if you don't mind we're trying to have a conversation here
it's not like- you're not even eating. Get out of here!
Well I can't help it if we can hear everything you say. We're the only ones in here
Well just- come on Malfoy. Just get out of here, please?
Draco: Where are we supposed to go?
Harry: Uh, I don't know, uh, Pigfarts
Now you're just being cute
I can't go to Pigfarts
It's on Mars
You need a rocketship
Do you have a rocketship, Potter?
Bet you do!
You know not all of us inherited
enough money to buy out NASA when our parents die
Look at this! Look at this
Look it- Rocketship Potter!
Starkid Potter
Moonshoes Potter
Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts
Harry: Alright that's it. This is the most misguided way to try to make me feel jealous
I don't care if you make fun of me
but if you bring my parents into this, it's a whole other story
Draco: Whoa! Not so fast- Potter!
Oh Crabbe! Goyle!
Harry: Oh sure just behind- just
Goyle: BACK OFF NERD!
Harry: Oh sure just behind- just
Goyle: BACK OFF NERD!
Harry: Whoa! Scared, scared!
Not so tough now, are you, Potter?
Maybe you should hang out with someone better than that lollygagging Ginger
and his stupid Mudblood girlfriend
Hermione: Oh that is it, Malfoy!
Jelly-legs Jinx!
Draco: Oh come on
Goyle: Hey no fair our legs are jelly!
Take it back Malfoy!
Draco: Take what back?
Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school
Ron: Yeah and all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend
that's not even a little bit true
Hermione: And say you're sorry for calling me a you-know-what!
Malfoy: I'm sorry!
And you promise you'll never do it again?
I promise!
Hermione: Alright
Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it
Come on Harry, Ron, let's get out of here
Besides you... already ate all my lunch
Harry: Wow, thanks Hermione
Hermione: Yeah
Unjellify!
Ron: Wow that was like the most badass thing I've ever seen
Too bad no one was here to see it though. It was like an outburst of pent-up aggression
It was like ARGHH HERMIONE!
Wow...
That sucked royal Hippogriff!
We got beat by a girl, who is a nerd
Draco: I didn't mean what I said, you know
Pigfarts is real
Am I... am I bleeding?
Goyle?
No!
I thought maybe it was
m-maybe it was a little bit
I've never been pushed down like that by a girl
Maybe I shouldn't call her a Mud-
Whatever
I can't believe I couldn't figure out the counter-curse was just Unjellify
Draco: Right, well I'm not surprised
Come on let's go watch Wizards of Waverly Place
Quirrell: Fools!
They're all fools
They think they're safe
They think they're back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts
Little do they know the danger that's lurking right under their noses
Or should I say, on the back
of their heads?
Voldemort: I can't breathe in that damn turban!
I'm sorry my Lord, it's a necessary precaution
for if they knew that you lived
That when Harry Potter destroyed you, your soul lived on
Yes, that when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the Forbidden Forest
eating bugs and mushrooms and- ugh
unicorn blood
Quirrel: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul
unicorn blood
Quirrel: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul
Yes, nobody must know any of that
Now...
Quirrell!
Get me some water!
Now Quirrell!
Pour it in my mouth!
Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head
is going swimmingly, my liege
Yes, yes, yes I'm done with the water!
We must not have anymore foul ups like tonight in the Great Hall
I'm sorry my Lord, you sneezed
Voldemort: I know that!
Get me some Nasonex, you swine!
Wash that turban!
It tickles my nose
Quirrel: Yes my Dark King...
Voldemort: Okay, just
relax with the Dark King, okay? I...
I watch you wipe your butt daily
You can call me Voldemort, we're there
We've reached that point
Yes, yes my
Voldemort
Now Quirrell
Get us ready for bed
We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter
Tonight in the Great Hall
He was so close
I could have touched him
Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrell
I can taste it
It tastes like...
Cool mint
Quirrell: That's our Listerine, Voldemort
Yes, excellent
Well, er... goodnight Quirrell
Quirrell: Goodnight
Okay, okay, I can't do this
You gotta roll over
I can't sleep on my tummy
Quirrell: I always sleep on my back, I have back troubles
it's the only way I'm comfortable
Voldemort: You roll over right now or I'll
I'll eat your pillow!
You'll be having a dream that you're eating a giant marshmallow
but really you'll wake up, and your favorite goose feather pillow will be missing
Quirrell: Fine, we'll compromise. We'll sleep on our sides
Okay I guess I can do this
Quirrell: Now goodnight
Goodnight Quirrell
Hey Quirrell
How long have those robes been on that chair?
Quirrell: I think they're from last night. I just put them there for now
Well are you planning on putting them in a hamper?
What's your plan for these?
I figured I'd just leave them there for now and maybe put them away in the morning, okay?
No!
No, no that's not okay
I can't go to sleep knowing that there are dirty clothes on that chair
The chair's going to start to smell like dirty clothes
Quirrell: Look, I promise I'll put them away in the morning
You put them away right now!
I command you to get up and
fold them at least!
Make it into a neat pile
Look, if we're going to be in this situation for a while
we're going to have to live with each other
Now I've been single for all of my life and I have some habits
and sometimes I leave laundry around
Well I believe that everything has its place
Muggles have their place
Mudbloods have their place
and so do your clothes!
Namely, a dresser!
Quirrel: Well
Aren't we an odd couple?
You won't sleep on your tummy
You won't sleep on your back
We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree
We share some hands and fingers
and yet the feeling lingers...
We're just about as different as anyone can be
You like planting a garden
and I like plotting to kill
You think that you should rule the world
I think books are a thrill!
Sipping tea by the fire is swell
Voldemort: Pushing people in is fun as well!
I like folding all of my ties
And you have no friends. Hey! That's a surprise
I guess it's plain to see, when you look at you and me
We're different, different, as can be
You're a sissy, a twat, a girl!
I'm the darkest of lords
Quirrell: I'm the brightest professor here
I've won several awards!
Voldemort: My new world's about to unfold
You got beat by a two year old
I'll kill him this time, through and through
Quirrell: Or you might just give him another tattoo
You really must agree, when you look at you and me
We're different, different, as can-
I'll rise again and I'll rule the world!
but you must help me renew
For when our plan succeeds
Quirrell: Prevails!
part of that world goes to you
When I rule the world, I'll plant flowers
When I rule the world, I'll have
Snakes!
Quirrel: And Jane Austin noooooovels!
Voldemort: And goblins, and werewolves, a fleet of dementors
and giants, and thestrals, and all my Death Eaters!
Quirrel: And Jane Austin noooooovels!
When I rule the
World!
Harry, don't you think you should try and figure out what the first task is going to be?
You can actually die if you're not ready
What?
Come on...
I mean, can't you just do it for me?
Can't you just prepare all of my stuff for me? I mean- what are you doing right now?
I'm writing your Potions essay
Oh well do that first, 'cause that's due tomorrow so...
But after that, after that can you
prepare for the first task? Please?
Thank you. You are the best
You got it. Thanks Hermione
Hey Ginny, come here. I wanna show you something
Come here
Hey, Harry Potter
Listen, I wanna play this song that I'm working on
I met this girl that I really, really like and I want to let her know that she's really special
So- well I just wanna know what you think
just for the purposes of now, 'cause I'm still working out the lyrics, I'll put your name
where her name should be
But I don't think it's really gonna work out
because, well, just let me give it a shot
You're tall and fun and pretty, you're really, really skinny
Ginny
I'm the Mickey to your Minnie, you're the Tigger to my Winnie
Ginny
I wanna take you to the city
Gonna take you out to dinny
Ginny
You're cuter than a guinea pig
Wanna take you up to Winnipeg
That's in Canada!
Ginny, Ginny, Ginny
You know what? This doesn't work with your name at all
Doesn't work
But I don't know. Wh-
How does that make you feel? Emotionally?
Wow...
Wowie, Harry Potter
Don't you think it could uh, I don't know
Wowie, Harry Potter
Don't you think it could uh, I don't know
Make a girl fall in love with me?
Aw I think it already has
Awesome!
'Cause it's for Cho Chang!
Oh yeah...
S-she's beautiful
What are you, nuts? Beautiful? More like
Supermegafoxyawesomehot
She's the hottest girl I've ever met. She's far more attractive,
far more appealing,
far more interesting than any girl, that I know
In my immediate group of- of friends
She's a lot more better, and awesome
Ron: Sup Neville?
Move, move, move, move, move, move move
Awesome
Hey Harry what's up? So I was just offstage hanging out with Hagrid
and I was, uh, I saw these delivery wizards
Bringing giant cages into the dungeon
I dunno what that's for
Hermione: Giant cages?
I bet that whatever is in those cages has something to do with the first task!
Harry we have to find out what it is
Hey
Hey, guys, chill
I'm busy
Ron: Nooo! Nooo! Nooo!
Ginny: No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Ron: Whoa! Whoa!
Ginny: No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Hermione: Guys
Now listen
This could be a matter of life and death!
Ron: Well it doesn't matter because it's after hours, okay?
We can't leave Gryffindor house
We'll probably get in trouble if we do
And even if we do
Schlongbottom over there will probably tell on us
Hermione: Neville won't tell
Neville: Oh yes I certainly will!
Ron: Well what're we gonna do?
Hermione: It's simple guys
The cloak
Of course
The cloak
Ginny: Wait what cloak?
Shut up!
Harry: I got a present- I got a present last year
Oh bye Neville
I got a present last year. First year of Hogwarts
and uh... well, it was left to me by my dad
The dad that's dead. My father is dead
My dead father
Used to solve mysteries and stuff. My Invisibility Cloak!
Ginny: Wow!
Oooh boy, wowie Harry Potter!
A real Invisibility Cloak!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Do you know what I would do if I had an Invisibility Cloak?
Oh man I would- I would kick, uh
I would kick wiener dogs
And I would pretend to be a ghost and I would scare mean people
I'd use it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in the mirror
Harry: That's a bummer
Ron: Jesus, what's wrong with you?
Well, actually, I was gonna say that I would use it to
fake my own death and watch people cry at the funeral
Okay anyway, let's get out of here before Neville gets out of the bathroom
Alright? Let's get out of here
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa where do you think you're going?
Ginny: Um... with you guys
No, no, no way. No kid sisters allowed
Okay?
Besides, there's only enough room under this cloak for two people
So uh...
Come on Hermione, come on
The way his hair falls in his eyes
Makes me wonder if he'll...
Ever see through my disguise
And I'm under his spell
Everything is falling, and I don't know where to land
Everyone knows who he is
But they don't know who I am
Harry
Harry
Why can't you see?
What you're doing to me?
I've seen you conquer certain death
Even when you're just standing there
You take away my breath
And maybe
Someday you'll hear my song and understand
That all along
There's something more, that I'm trying to say!
When I say
Harry
Harry
Why can't you see?
What you're doing to me?
What you're doing
to me?
Quirrell: Master! Master! The shipments for the first task of the tournament have just arrived!
Voldemort: Yes I know Quirrell
I hear everything that you hear
Isn't it wonderful now?
Well we made sure Harry Potter's name was drawn from the cup and soon he will be ours
Yes
It's really happening, isn't it Quirrell?
You know, with the plan going so well
I feel maybe we should celebrate
What do you say Quirrell? How's about we go out?
I hear it's karaoke night down at the Hog's Head
Uh I don't know
I have all these papers to grade, and I've been giving so much
attention to this revenge plan that I'm really behind
Ah come on Quirrell!
You've been working so hard all year
You deserve a night off
But the papers...
Oh just give them all B minuses and be done with it
Now that's evil
Yeah, thanks, I am the Dark Lord
Come on, just a few drinks
Hey we'll try to pick up some chicks
I wouldn't know what to say. I'm no good at that
Come on, it'll be fun
You just move your lips and I'll do the talking
Quirrell
Man!
Listen
I may just be a parasite on the back of your head
that's literally devouring your soul any time you take a breath
But I can see that
You're too good a guy not to have a bit of fun once in a while
You deserve this
Well if you put it that way then
Yeah let's just go wild tonight
That's the spirit Quirrell!
Put on a fresh pair of wizard shorts and grab your tunic
Quirrell we are gonna get you laid
Seriously man, back when I had a body
I had mad game with the bitches
Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange
Ron: This cloak isn't as big as it used to be
Hermione: Shh, someone's coming!
Did you just hear something?
Goyle: No
Only quiet
Maybe... one
raindrop
No matter
Tell me, Goyle
Who do you think is the ugliest girl in school?
Uh...
Oh, Buckbeak
For sure
Crabbe?
Crabbe: Uh, Winky the house elf
Good one
Obscure
You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school?
That Hermione Granger
You know what I'd give her, on a scale of one to ten?
With one-
One would be the ugliest and then ten the most pretty
I would give her...
An eight
An eight point five
Or a nine
Not- not over
A nine point eight
Because there is always room for improvement
Not everyone's perfect, like me
That's why I am holding out for a ten
Because I'm worth it
Come on! Let's go
Ron: Wow what a bunch of jerks
Hermione: Alright, forget them now-
Where did you say you saw those crates being delivered?
Ron: Well I think they were being delivered to the auditorium
So they should be at the end of this hallway and to the left
Ron: Look!
Hermione: A goat?
Harry: A goat?
Oh my God I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I could do that morally
Snape: And the goats have all been sent for feeding time, headmaster
Dumbledore: Oh feeding time? Dragons don't want to be fed
They want to hunt!
Harry: Did he just say dragons?
Snape: Did you just say "did he just say dragons?"
Dumbledore: I must have because anybody else hiding in this room
would have known to shut up
Potter
Snape: Headmaster do you really think it's wise to have children fight dragons?
No Snape I don't think it's wise to do anything anymore
Like, here I am alive and well today
and I could very well be killed by you, tomorrow
Snape: Why that's absurd
Dumbledore: First... let's go to bed
Have you ever seen my room?
I've got some pretty kickin' posters on my wall
Snape: Well I am rather tired
Harry: Aw man, I have to fight a dragon?
This is bogus!
Hermione: Well...
Harry: How can I fight a dragon, I'm just a little kid!
Ron: Alright well, well maybe it won't be that bad, Harry
Maybe, maybe you'll just have to fight like
Mushu from Mulan or...
Ron: I dunno maybe
I dunno maybe like Puff the Magic Dragon or something...
Hermione: Ron, this is serious okay?
Harry could die!
Now look, there's still time, alright? We just need to figure out a plan
Harry: Okay well we should probably do that back in the common room
Where's- wait- where's the Invisibility Cloak?
Ron: Well I threw it over on that magical walking chair over the-
Oh crap
Harry: Oh that's... that's gonna be an issue
Ron: Yep
Quirrell: I thought walking home drunk was hard before
We should've realized that with
with both of us drinking into one belly we'd get
twice as drunk
Hey Quirrell
Quirrell
Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell
Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell you remember that girl you were talking to?
Yeah
You remember that girl we were talking to? Well I was talking to her sister
on my side
Oh so that's why she freaked out when we stood up!
Voldemort: Because they didn't know that we were the same person!
Quirrell: One person!
Voldemort: Because they didn't know that we were the same person!
You know I haven't had- I haven't had this much fun since
Nearly Headless Nick's Death Day party of '91
I haven't had this much fun since, ah
Yeah well shit I can't remember ever having this much fun
You never had fun... ever? Doing
doing anything?
Maybe that's why you're so evil
Yeah maybe
Definitely to do with the fact that Muggles and Mudbloods
make me sick to my stomach, but uh...
Yeah I guess you could be right. I guess, I mean
That's kind of funny
What is it, Voldemort?
Oh it's just that I never
I never ever really ever
ever really ever ever really
considered another reason for me being so evil, you know?
'Cause normally I just, uh
I just kill people that try to get me to open up, you know?
Oops...
But uh, it's- it's kind of nice to just, um
Kind of nice to just talk
You know, I have to admit
I was kind of nervous when you first demanded that you attached yourself to my soul
Yeah I could, I could sense that
But like, now I think it's
It's kind of cool, it's like having a really close roommate or
or even...
Yeah like a slave
Like a, like a Death Eater
No man
It's like... having a friend
I've never had a friend before
It looks like we've got one now
Who would've thought that at the beginning of this year
we'd feel like that for each other?
I guess everything is different between us now, huh?
I guess it's plain to see
When you look at you and me
We're... different
Different
As can be
We simply guarantee, when you look at you and me
We're different, different
As can be
It's a comedy of sorts
When you're bound to Voldemort
And I'm happy as a squirrel
Long as I'm with Mister Quirrell
We'll lead them to the slaughter and we'll murder Harry Potter
We're different
Different
Different, different as can be
The Hogwarts champions shall now enter the champion's tent
in preparation for the first task
Oh man, I can't believe I have to skip lunch period for this stupid task
Okay Harry, today's the day
The day you fight the dragon. Now, did you read those notes I wrote for you on dragons?
No
What? Why not?
You kidding me? They were so boring
So y-you didn't read them. You didn't prepare at all? You're not prepared at all?
Well no, at least I have my wand
Um...
Brought my-
Harry
You're the best
Harry just, please don't die today
I don't want to see my best friend getting eaten by a dragon
Relax okay?
Save the tears for my funeral
So tell me more about this Pigfarts. I find it to be very interesting
Well
While you're there you have to wear your spacesuit at all times
because there's no atmosphere on Mars
So if a single docking bay door opens you'll probably die
My, how dreadful
Well, but the good news is
If you're a good enough student, Rumbleroar lets you ride around on his back
And he's the headmaster lion?
Who can talk
Cool...
Well hello Harry. How are you feeling today?
Hey Cedric. Trying to-
Stay positive
Cedric: Well good
I'm having a fine time at the championships
Miss Granger?
Hello
Cho: Sugar pie!
My darling!
Was that a kiss for good luck?
No, that was for being so cotton-picking cute!
This one's for good luck
Harry: I hate that guy
Hermione: It's okay Harry, you're going to be great today
Dumbledore: Oh God!
Granger, I thought you were a boggart. I'm terrified of them
And what the hell are you doing in the champions' tent?
Get out of here. Ten more points
Thanks Hermione
Are you kids ready to fight a dragon?
Of course you are, you're just children. What the hell am I thinking?
Now outside of this tent are thousands upon thousands of screaming fans
They're either going to be cheering for you, or the dragon
but either way they're going to be making some kind of noise. So-
in order for this election process to be fair
I am going to randomly select a cardboard cutout size version
of the dragon you will be defeating
For you Cedric...
Puff the Magic Dragon
Figment the Imaginary Dragon
The Reluctant Dragon
And for you Potter...
The Hungarian Horntail
the most terrifying thing you'll ever see in your whole life!
Dumbledore: You've gotten all complete
Harry: W-wait hold on a second. Dumbledore, wait a second
Dumbledore: You've gotten all complete
I think I will-
Harry: W-wait hold on a second. Dumbledore, wait a second
T-this is terrifying
Those are the cutest things I've ever seen
This thing is horrifying
Just use your imagination
Disembrace
Oh my God this competition's gonna suck
all these dragon's are wimps
Accio doublestuff
Wow, look at that one
Oh my God monster!
Is that yours?
Yeah!
Oh my God it's awesome
Let me hold it
Oh my God this thing is terrifying
I hope the real thing is smaller
Ferocious. What're you gonna do?
I don't know, I'm not cut out for this kind of thing. It's gonna kill me
Hermione: Ron- Ron! You can't be in here this is the champions' tent!
Snape: Miss Granger
What the devil are you doing in the champions' tent?
Ten points from Gryffindor
Harry: Thanks Hermione
Thanks Hermione
Hey! Good luck buddy
Bye Snape!
Snape: Bye
Cedric Diggory
Now is your chance to face your dragon
Alright fellas wish me luck
I believe in you
That's all I needed to hear
Hey Malfoy, tell you what
I'll let you switch dragons with me
I'll give you the chance to switch dragons with me. I'll give you that opportunity
Tell you what, don't worry about it
Let me think abou-
No
I'll, uh, I'll give you my Gushers
Oh, no, no
I have a Fruit by the Foot
I don't want to
A Cho Chang?
Your dragon awaits
Well... I can't imagine this would be very hard
Then I... imagine it won't be
Malfoy, come on! Uh, tell you what
I'll throw in my Teddy Grahams, with the Gushers
You can make little Gusher Teddy Graham sandwiches
Alright
You throw in that pack of Bugles and you've got yourself a deal
Absolutely not
Draco Malfoy, your turn
Professor Snape is there any way that I could, I dunno, forfeit or switch dragons
Or maybe just take a day off
What- what're you, what're you. What're you doing? What is that?
I'm protecting you Potter
Welsh Greenbacks can't stand the taste of
Hunt's tomato ketchup
But I'm not fighting a Welsh Greenback, I'm fighting a Hungarian Horntail
Oho, well silly me
Hunt's tomato ketchup is what Hungarian Horntails love best of all
Good luck Potter
What? No!
Dumbledore: And now Harry Potter will battle the terrifying Hungarian Horntail
the most terrifying thing you'll ever see in your whole life
It should be noted that this particular dragon has not been fed
in two weeks
Hermione: Come on Harry
Go Harry!
You can do it Harry
Ron: You got it, yeah! You got this
Hermione: Just think positive. You can do it!
Ron: You got it, yeah! You got this
Hermione: Just think positive. You can do it!
Oh my God!
Accio guitar!
Hey dragon
You don't gotta do this
Let's reevaluate our options
Throw away our old assumptions
'Cause really, you don't gotta go through this
I'm really not that special
The Boy Who Lived is only flesh and bone
The truth is in the end
I'm pretty useless without friends
In fact I'm alone
I spend my time at school
Trying to be this cool guy
I never even asked for
I don't know any spells
Still manage to do well
But there's only so long that can last for
I'm living off the glory
Of a stupid children's story that I
have nothing to do with
I just sat there and got lucky
So level with me buddy
I can't defeat thee
So please don't eat me
And all I can do
is sing a song for you
You never asked to be a dragon!
I never asked to be a champion!
We both just jumped on this bandwagon
but all we need is guitar jammin'
Goodnight dragon
One, two, three!
I beat the dragon!
Attention all Hogwarts students
Tonight is our annual Yule Ball
So please remember to pick up your Yule Ball wreath
and give it to that special someone
Ah! Ginger!
Oh, hey. Harry Potter?
Oh hi Ginny
Fancy seeing you here huh?
Well it's the cafeteria so yeah
Um, so... um
The Yule Ball's coming up, huh?
Yeah I know it is. Very, very soon, yeah
Um, well were you thinking of going with anybody?
I was. I was actually just waiting for the right time to ask somebody and I think
I think that time's about now so if-
If you've got something to say just... get it out
Oh is this for me?
Ah Ginny how did you know I needed a wreath so I could ask Cho Chang?
You're the best!
Harry Potter... just- you
Forget it!
Alright I will!
Cool
Hey
Hey Cho Chang listen, um
I know the Yule Ball's coming up and I was wondering if
Maybe you wanted to go with me
But just in case you're kind of on the fence about it
You should know that I play guitar
and that I conquered that dragon's heart with it
So I think I could conquer yours
You're tall and fun and pretty, you're really, really skinny
Cho Chang
You're the Mickey to my Minnie, I'm the Tigger to your Winnie
Cho Chang
You're cuter than a guinea pig
I'll take you up to Winnipeg
That's in Canada!
Ooh Cho Chang. Ch-ch-ch-ch cha chadda chadda
Cho Chang
Whatever
Well Harry Potter
Bless your heart
Um, but
I'm gonna have to say no?
That young strapping boy Cedric Diggory
already asked me and I'm gonna go with him
Sorry
Come on girls, let's go show Moaning Myrtle our ball gowns
and make fun of her because she can't go
Yeah!
Hey there good buddy, how are you doing?
Okay
Is that a Yule Ball wreath?
Yeah
Who you gonna ask?
Well I asked Cho Chang but she turned me down
Cedric... Stuppery
Oh my God they're going together? That's so great
I love him so- they're so, cute
Harry: No, no
I love him so- they're so, cute
Harry: No, no
I hate him. I hate him so much
Harry: No, no
I hate him. I hate him so much
Harry: Yeah
I hate him. I hate him so much
I hate him. I hate him so much
Oh my God he pisses me off, wow
Aw man that sucks dude. I don't know why she'd turn you down
You're like the coolest guy in school
I don't know, I get it. I play guitar, I'm Harry Potter
I'm awesome
Reese's Pieces?
Yeah...
I don't get it man I mean I guess I'll just go stag, huh?
Yeah I'll probably go stag too
And the only two girls that I know that don't have dates already are Ginny
and Hermione
Oh my God
And I'm not going with my stupid sister
And I think of Hermione as a sister so that's out
We are in such a puzzle
Harry: What a conundrum
Neville: Hi, look at these strapping young men
Hey Neville
Hey Neville, you want this Yule Ball wreath?
Uh yeah, if you're willing to part with it then I will take this wreath
Hey Ron, let's go hang out with Hagrid
He can teach us how to dance so we could get in our dress robes
That can only lead to disaster and hilaree
Well let's go
I mean I just don't know about Hermione. I don't think anyone's asked her yet, you know
'cause she's just-
she's just so butt ugly
Harry: Hideous
Give that plant nerd!
Oh, Goyle rules!
Draco: Yeah so anyway
He was reluctant enough at first
but I lured it out of its cage with an upside down pig
and I sewed it with my Fruit by the Foot
and beheaded it with a quick slicing charm. Bloody fool...
Wh- Goyle?
What are you doing with that wreath?
What are you, going to ask someone to the Yule Ball?
...No
Dancing is for nerds
Crabbe: And pretty girls
That's right
You know who the last girl I'd have asked to the Yule Ball would be?
That Hermione Granger
Not even if we were the last two people on earth
and she looked absolutely stunning in her ball gown
so every time I'd looked at her I'd got butterflies in my tummy
Not even then
You know
They don't even have dances at Pigfarts
All of the noise would disturb Rumbleroar's slumbering cub
Dancing is for pansies
Right
Draco: Hey you there what's your name?
Pansy
Perfect!
You're going to the Yule Ball with me
Do you see that dragon?
Well it was reluctant enough at first
but I lured it out of its cage with an upside down...
Quirrell: Yule Ball decorating crew
but I lured it out of its cage with an upside down...
Quirrell: Yule Ball decorating crew
Just the Yule Ball decorating crew coming through
Last minute decorations
My Lord, the Yule Ball has finally arrived and I've brought the key!
Yes I know Quirrell
I hear everything you hear!
I'm sorry
No I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped
I'm just nervous that's all
Nervous?
No
Why?
I don't want to talk about it
Hey, it's just me
You can tell me anything, you know that
Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right
I'm just nervous because we've been planning this night for so long
and I want everything to go perfectly, you know?
Don't worry. We've mapped out everything
We've anticipated every little problem and compensated for it
We've even prepared what you're going to say to Potter when you see him
So just cool down
Relax
By the end of the night you'll have your revenge and your body back
You're right, you're right I'm being... silly
And you know I-
Quirrell over the last year I've-
I've really grown attached to you
No pun intended
Yeah I know what you mean
But, hey, we'll still hang out
Just because we won't be attached doesn't mean we'll be two completely different people
No pun intended
No, no of course not, of course not
Hey Quirrell
We should make plans
Evil plans?
Oh uh...
No
Casual plans
Like um
We could go rollerblading on a Saturday and then uh
see a movie at night, huh?
Yeah
It'll be great because we'd both be able to watch it for a change
Yeah yeah...
I bet it'll be nice to sleep in our own beds
Not have someone behind you all the time
And have the privacy of my old life back again
The solitude
No
Whatever happens tonight man
It's-
It's been a blast
Yeah
One crazy year
Hey
Promise we'll go rollerblading and see that movie
Oh, man
I promise
Okay
Quirrell
Let's go plant that key and split
Pun intended!
Snape: Why Professor Quirrell
What on earth are you doing in the Great Dance Hall?
Just moments before the dance?
Just decorating for the Yule Ball. Last minute decorations
Just one final touch
A ladle?
A very special ladle for a very special night
For a very special punch
And what's so special about it?
Let's just say there's Squirt in it
Squirt?
Is that not the favorite drink of one Harry Potter?
Is it? I had no idea
Well, we better be going
We?
I... I better be going
Loud music hurts my ears
Okay well I'll see you later then
Or maybe you won't
Or maybe I will
Dumbledore: Excuse me, it was my fault
Hey Severus!
Oh, uh Headmaster
Dumbledore: What are you doing here? Getting some punch are you?
Oh no no there's Squirt in that
Oh only Harry Potter likes that hog's shit
I'll stick to my Red Bull thank you very much
Oh well goodnight Headmaster
Severus I-
I saved this last dance for you
Well I would Headmaster, but you see
Well an old friend is coming back into town tonight
Dumbledore: Oh
Hey Ron
Ron: Hey what's up dude how's it going?
Have you seen Hermione anywhere?
Harry: No I haven't
Harry: Why?
Nothing, nothing. It's just, you know I-
I heard Parvati Patil telling Padma Patil that
she had seen Hermione in the girl's locker room before just
crying her eyes out in the bathroom stall
Harry: Why? What happened?
I don't know isn't that like the saddest thing you've ever heard?
Harry: Yeah
I mean I don't know it's just
It was inevitable that one day Hermione would realize
that nobody would ever like her, you know?
Because of her obnoxious personality
and her ugly face
and misshapen body, but you know it's just
I don't know, I figured she'd get into at least one night of happiness
before she realize she was gonna be growing old alone, you know?
Draco: Hey you two over here talking about Granger?
Malfoy get out of here it's none of your business
Why don't you go dance with Pansy over there?
Hey, go get me some punch
Pansy: Okay
Wait, um, I should tell you there's Squirt in it
Harry: Oh nice
Squirt? Ugh
Harry: Oh nice
Never mind I'll stay dehydrated
Go, go powder your nose or something
But I just fixed my make up a little while ago
Ugh, trust me
You need more powder
Pain in the ass, right?
So anyway
Noticed Granger's not around here
Probably for the better too
No one would be able to keep their hummus and pita chips
down with that ugly mug of hers darting all about
Wow, why don't you just give her a break for once
Okay Malfoy?
Why defending her, Weasley?
Have a crush?
No!
No! Why all the insults Malfoy?
Covering up a crush?
Ron: Yeah? Yeah?
Oh... right, right
Ron: Yeah? Yeah?
Oh... right, right
Like I could ever have a crush on that stupid...
Cho: Oh my gosh!
Y'all!
Cho: She looks so beautiful! Bless her heart
She looks great!
Here I am, face to face, with a situation
I never thought I'd ever see
Strange
How a dress can take a mess
Make her nothing less than
Beautiful to me
It seems like my eyes have been transfigured
Something deep inside has changed
They've been open wide, but hold that trigger
This could mean
Danger
I'm falling in love, falling in love
Falling in love
I'm falling in love, falling in love
Falling in love
With Hermione Granger
What
What the hell is this?
You expect me to sing about her?
I don't care about her
It's just a little make up
Draco wake up!
I'm mistaken
She is the
hottest girl I've ever seen!
Now, because she's like a girl I've never seen
Don't know why
I'd ever be so mean
This could mean
Danger
I'm falling in love, falling in love
Falling in love
I could be
Falling in love, falling in love
Falling in love
With Hermione Granger
Ron: I want to let her know
Draco: I feel so queasy
Ron: I want to let her know
But I can't let it show
Ron: She'd laugh! Poor Weasley
But I can't let it show
Draco: Come on
Ron: Come on
Ron!
Draco!
Draco: You gotta let it go!
Ron: You gotta let it go!
You gotta let it go!
What?
THE HELL IS THIS?
Ron: How a dress can take a mess
Ron: Make her nothing less than
Granger!
Ron: Make her nothing less than
Wake up!
Ron: Make her nothing less than
Ron: Make her nothing less than
Draco: I've been mistaken!
Ron: Beautiful to me...
Draco: I've been mistaken!
Draco: She is the hottest girl I've ever seen!
Ron: It seems like my eyes have been transfigured
Draco: She is the hottest girl I've ever seen!
Now because she's like a girl I've never seen
Ron: Something deep inside has changed
Now because she's like a girl I've never seen
Draco: Don't know why
Ron: They've been open wide but hold that trigger
Draco: Don't know why
I'd ever be so mean
Ron: They've been open wide but hold that trigger
This could mean
Danger
I'm falling in love, falling in love
Falling in love
I could be falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
With Hermione Granger
With Hermione Granger
With Hermione Granger
Danger
Ron: Oh my God
Ah I can't believe it
What?
I just can't- I can't believe she is dancing with
every guy but me. That is so-
That is so stupid
That is stupid...
W-Why do you-
Why do you even care, man?
I don't! I-I don't care
I don't care and that's what I'm gonna go up and tell her
I'm gonna go and say "I don't care what you do"
And she's gonna feel so damn stupid
She is gonna feel like such an idiot
Listen Ron, you're acting like a real jerk
Maybe you should take it easy on the butterbeer
No
No
Hermione: Hey guys
Hey Hermione, hey you look great. You look wonderful
Oh thanks, yeah
You know I used to think looks weren't important and now
I think they're more important than anything
Oh it's just I'm having so much fun dancing with everyone
Ron: Wow- wow Hermione
When did you become so shallow?
When?
What is wrong with you, Ron?
Nothing
Nothing's wrong with me
But why don't you just go ask Schlongbottom to dance, huh?
Ron: Go do it
You know what? Maybe I will
I showed her. I showed her so good
Harry: Wait a second
Wait a hot second
I know what's going on here!
You've got a crush!
Alright, Ron
Listen, listen to me now
Just a little advice
Just call me crazy, but girls don't really like it
when you're angry at them, much less you shout at them
Now maybe what you should do is go over there
and tell her how much you care about her
Okay?
Maybe you should ask her to dance
What? No! No!
'Cause then she'd know that I liked her
And you always know that you don't tell a girl that you like her
because it makes you look like an idiot
I know you'll look like an idiot
Anytime you tell a girl you like her, it makes you look dumb
That's inevitable
But listen, it's something you have to do
Ron, you have to move forward so that everyone will like you back
Okay? And what have we got to lose?
We look like idiots anyway. We're here's one. Look at our robes
You know, if we dressed like this in the muggle world
We would get our asses kicked
You have nothing to lose. Absolutely nothing
I bet, you know
She probably wants to dance with you just as much as you want to dance with her
You just gotta
You just gotta, give it a
a chance
Maybe there's something that you didn't see before, you know
You just gotta go and maybe find something special and
through the whole time you just didn't really have the guts to
Say anything
Where are you going? Where are you going?
I'm still mad and sad
Hold on
HP's gonna take his own advice, pal
Hey Ginny
Oh
Hey, Harry
Can I sit down?
Um, yeah, sure
Sooo
How's Hogwarts?
You know, it's
It's okay
I- I was actually, I was
really excited to come here but now that I'm here I just
I just don't think I belong
Oh yeah I totally know what you mean
Um... no
You don't
You're Harry Potter
Yeah I know, like
For eleven years I was this dumb kid that got the crap kicked out of me
under a staircase, and all of a sudden like
You're a wizard!
You have all these powers!
And everybody thinks I'm cool all of a sudden
It's weird, it's kind of isolating
I- uh
Hey, I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm complaining about being famous
I'm sorry
Oh no
I understand
It's like when you first got here
Nobody wanted to get to know you because they thought the knew you already
But, eventually you'll find people that'll want to get to know you for the real you
You know Ginny, I feel like I already have found this person
and I've taken them for granted so tell you what
Come on
You wanna dance? It's the whole point of the evening
Now I gotta warn you, I've learned all my best dance moves
from Hagrid... so
I'm not that great
I'm sure you'll be fine
Wow
Harry Potter
I don't care what anybody says
You're the best dancer that ever was
Well I've got a confession to make, Ginny
These shoes right here
are magical enchanted dancing shoes
Wowie! Harry Potter
I'm just messing with you
I'm just awesome at dancing
Ron: Yahh!
Hermione: Ow!
Ron: Yahh!
Neville: Hey!
Ron: Yahh!
Okay
Alright
Okay when you really dance with Neville
is when you cross the line, okay? Take this
Beat it. Get out of here
What is wrong with-
Ron: Come here. Come here!
What is wrong with-
Ron: Come here. Come here!
Ow! Ow!
Hermione: What is wrong with you?
Why are you being so mean to me?
I'm not being mean!
Why are you being so mean to me?
I'm not being mean!
Ow!
Yes you are!
You know everyday
Everyone is trying to put me down
And on the one day I actually feel like a person
You're trying to ruin it!
Holy shit
What is wrong with you, Ron?
Hermione: Come on
Draco: Weasley!
Hermione: Come on
Draco: Weasley!
The lady said no
Not you too
You know what? I am so sick of both of you
I hate you both!
What did you say to her?
Ron: Nothing!
I'm bleeding!
Ron: I'm bleeding
I'm bleeding!
Ron: I'm bleeding
Look at this
Try this
Ron: Look what she did to me
You know Ginny
Ginny I'm feeling kind of dizzy
Well maybe we should stop spinning
From all this spinning, huh?
We have stopped spinning
Wait! No!
No no no no
I can't- I can't do this. You're-
You're Ginny Weasley. You're my best friend's little sister
You're Ron Weasley's sister, I c-
I-I'm sorry Ginny I can't do this
I'm sorry
Hey Cho! Hey, hey
Come on dance with me
I'm Harry Potter. Let's go
Excuse me, I believe I was dancing with the lady
Yeah I know and I'm uh
I'm cutting in, so yeah
Well, I find that to be very rude
Alright Cedric well why don't we
find- out
what the lady has to say about it?
Cho: Oh, boys
what the lady has to say about it?
Cho: Oh, boys
There's no need to fight over little ol' me
But by the way, Cedric thinks that you cheated on the dragon's task
Harry: Cheated? Are you kidding me?
That thing was trying to eat me. I was in its mouth!
Exactly. What went on in there?
I'd like to find out
Alright, that is it Diggory. We are dueling
Let's go
Oh Godric's Hollow!
All this excitement is making me thirsty
Oh, Cho! I can get you something to drink
Let me get you some punch
No, I'll get the punch
No, I'll get the punch!
Fine! Have the punch
Cedric: I did it!
Cho: You did it!
Cedric: I did it!
Cho: You did it!
Cedric Diggory I'm gonna kill you!
Portkey! Portkey! Portkey!
Cedric: Uh, where are we?
I don't know Cedric, someone punched me in the face
and my sense of direction got a little goofed up!
Well it seems clear to me now that that punch ladle was a portkey
And now, thanks to you,
We've both been transported to some mystery location
Brilliant Cedric, well you're a Hufflepuff
Why don't you find a way out of this place, okay?
Harry, I think I found something!
It appears to be a headstone
We must be in some sort of graveyard
Tom Riddle, Mary Riddle, Thoms Riddle
Riddle me this, eh Potter?
Cedric, I don't know about this place. I think we gotta get out of here
Harry, you're a Gryffindor. Where's your sense of adventure?
God-
Cedric
You are so annoying, okay?
You're like this guy, that's just around all the time
when I don't need a guy around
You're this spare guy all the time
This spare dude
You're such a spare!
Kill the spare!
Avada Kedavra!
So many regrets
I dead!
Harry: Oh my wizard God!
Not so fast! Petrificus Totalus!
Harry: Professor Quirrell, you just killed Cedric!
Not I, Potter
But perhaps you'd like to see who did
He's dying to see you
Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived
It's good to see you again
The cauldron is ready, my lord
Harry: Cauldron? What are you guys gonna do, eat me?
That's gross
Ah, as delicious a dish as I'd think you'd make, Potter
I'd need a stomach of my own to digest you
And I haven't got one of those
Yet...
Aaaahh!
Ooh
Aaaahaha
Wooho
Okay haaha
Stop struggling!
Detention, Potter!
Harry: Detention?
Jeez, this guy is almost as big of an asshole as Snape is
Quirrell: It worked!
When I was a boy...
An orphan boy
I'd love to move my feet
I'd hear a tune
And start to swoon
My life would seem complete
The other boys would laugh and jeer
But I'd catch 'em tapping their toes
And when I'd start to sway
They'd get carried away
And oh, how the feeling grows
I take my
Foot
My little foot
And with that foot
Oh how I'd start to shake
I take two feet
Two tiny feet
Hey look! That's neat!
It's coming true!
Oh boy I get to dance again
Woohoo!
To dance again
I've been waiting all these years to dance again
Now at once a chance appears
To hear the beat. So on your feet
It's time to dance again
Come on, Potter!
Imperio!
You take your foot
Your little foot
Hey look, your foot
See how it starts to shake
Quirrell: Ooh try his arms!
How 'bout a twirl?
He's like a girl!
Quirrell: How overdue
I get to finally dance again with you
To dance again
I've been waiting all these years to dance again
Now at once a chance appears
It's lovely swaying, the music's playing
Come on let's dance again
Everybody!
I take my foot
You take your foot!
My little foot
Take that little foot!
And oh my foot
Let me hear it now
Look how it starts to shake
Oh Voldy's back
Hello world!
For the attack
I'm gonna get ya!
He'll take over the world, it's true
But first there's something he's gotta do
I'll dance again
I've been waiting all these years to dance again
Now at once a chance appears
Everybody make way
For a pas de bourr?e
It's time to dance
It's time to dance
It's time to dance
Again!
Voldemort: Yes
Bellatrix: My Dark Lord...
You look fabulous
Bellatrix Lestrange
Bellatrix: Oh, my liege!
Tell me it's going to be like the old days
when we do nothing but torture, murder,
and make love?
Ah, the old days are back, baby!
I can't tell you what it was like without you
Well I'm never going again
'Cause I've conquered death
and my first pleasure will be to kill Harry Potter
And next
to take over the Ministry of Magic
And rule the world
For all time!
And you will my Lord, but not yet
For now we must stick to the plan
We blame Potter's murder on Quirrell
So that your return may remain a secret
The Death Eaters aren't prepared to take on the entire Ministry of Magic
much less Dumbledore, and the Order of the Phoenix
Quirrell: I'm sorry
What was that about me going to Azkaban for Potter's murder?
Ohoho, you shall refer to him as
My Lord, my liege, or my Dark Lord only!
No no no Bellatrix, it's a- it's cool
Quirrell's cool, Quirrell's cool, he's...
Over the last year he's proven himself to be a very good fr-
A very good servant to the will of the Dark Lord
Quirrell: Oh I see, so-
So you're Thomas Jefferson and I'm your Sally Hemings, is that right?
No
No, Quirrell, that-
That came out wrong
It's not like that
Isn't it?
Ugh, silence slave
Crucio!
Voldemort: It's alright, it's
What's the matter?
He is your pawn! You are his queen
It is an honor to serve the Dark Lord, no matter what the task!
Are you all right?
Did you really know the whole time, you'd-
blame Potter's murder on me?
Yes... yes I
I knew
But things have changed over the last year, I feel different now-
Don't touch me
How do I explain this? It's-
It's like that movie She's All That
You remember? We watched that together
You remember how at the end Freddie Prinze Jr. turns out to be good?
Quirrell: No
I didn't see the end because you were watching it
while you were on the back of my head
sucking my soul!
Well I wish there was another way
But I've got to take over the world
Quirrell: Well there is
I'll let you know now but it's gonna be
pretty hard to make that rollerblading date from Azkaban
Bellatrix: Death Eaters, take him away
And now you have what you've waited for for so long
What?
Your chance to kill Harry Potter
Yes
Kill Potter!
Ha- whoa, where'd he go?
Harry: You're not killing me today Voldemort, but I'll tell you what
I'll get you some punch!
Portkey! Portkey! Portkey! Portkey!
Ginny: Oh my Rowling
What happened Harry Potter?
You... Harry what the hell are you doing over here?
You missed the raffle
Snape: What happened to the graveyard?
It's- it's Voldemort!
It's Voldemort! He's back!
Extra! Extra! Read all about it
Harry Potter, the boy who beat Voldemort
now says he's back!
Daily Prophet! Get your Daily Prophet here!
Harry Potter versus Voldemort, round two!
Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge makes a statement
Cornelius: I've heard these Voldemort rumors and I for one simply don't believe it
Voldemort talks about it on his new FlooTube channel!
I'm gonna find Harry Potter and I'm gonna *** in his ***!
Also does reviews of "17 Again"
Well it was a little slow in the beginning, but
Come on, Zac Efron
Zefron! Enough said
I've seen these so-called posts and I still don't believe it
This is a ruse
You all have been hoodwinked!
Professor Quirrell confesses to murder of Hogwarts student Cedric Diggory
Receives life in Azkaban
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Extra!
Harry: Man...
Ron, this totally sucks man. This-
Ron: This is horrible
Yeah I know I mean, look at this
This is... it's terrible
Harry Potter versus Voldemort: The Fight of the Century
Ron: No it's not that
Harry Potter versus Voldemort: The Fight of the Century
Ron: No it's not that
It's Hermione
It's just like
I can't get her out of my head, and everytime I look at her
I have these pains in my chest, and I just know it's her fault
That bitch
I'm just not cut out for this, Harry. I'm not
Yeah man I know what you mean
It's like when you're trying to save the world, and the whole world is just against you
No, no, no, no, no!
This isn't about you
Why does every conversation we have to have have to turn into Potter talk?
It's not Potter talk-
No! No! I'm miserable
And all you can do is talk about yourself
You're the like the self absorbed guy I know. If you were miserable,
I'd be there for you, but you won't even listen to me and I'm sick of it
So- so, so good luck with whatever you were talking about
And I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after
'Cause me
I am never going to be happy again
So I'm just gonna go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days
Harry: Ron...
Hermione: Were you just talking to Ron?
Yeah I was trying to tell him about Voldemort
Hermione: Well did he say anything about me?
Yeah I was trying to tell him about Voldemort
Hermione: Well did he say anything about me?
Harry: Uh, yeah, he said that someone told me
Well, was one of them an apology for how he treated me at the Yule Ball?
Um, yeah I heard about that
Listen, I was wondering maybe if you heard about a little something
I don't know, that uh, Voldemort is back!
Uh, Cedric Diggory is dead!
Professor Quirrell was crazy,
Cho: Oh!
Professor Quirrell was crazy,
And now I have to save the world. Did you hear that Hermione?
Um, actually I have heard those things, Harry, about a thousand times
but never had they been told to me with so much sass
Drop the attitude Harry Potter
You are acting like Garfield on a Monday
Well don't you think I have a right to be a little stressed out?
Wh- no. No I don't
You know what, this is just like with the dragon, okay?
I stressed out, I told you to prepare
and yet you didn't do anything, and you were fine
You know you just played your little guitar
I mean, and I don't know what you're crying about, Harry
This is just like when you defeated Voldemort and you were a baby
Hermione, come on
You're the friend that's supposed to tell me to go to the library
and try to figure this stuff out-
Well you know what, Harry?
I don't do that anymore
Draco: Read it and weep, Potter!
I heard Voldemort's back
And he's trying to kill you. What do you think about that, Moonshoes?
Malfoy, I honestly see- I don't see why you're so happy about this
If Voldemort is back, which he is,
You might as well kiss Hogwarts goodbye
You might as well kiss the whole planet goodbye
Kiss the planet goodbye?
Having second thoughts about Pigfarts, are you?
Malfoy you're the last person I want to talk to now, okay?
You know what?
As soon as you're out of the way
I'll be the coolest kid in school
Hermione: Malfoy, that will never happen. Everybody hates you
Oh right, okay, this coming from Hermione Stranger
Pansy: She's right, Malfoy. She's cooler than you
Cho: Yeah, even Moaning Myrtle is cooler than you
Neville: Take this!
Expelliarmus!
No!
Ignore it! Ignore it
Don't say anything!
Stop it!
Snape: What the devil is going on here?
Draco Malfoy pull those trousers up at once
Professor I just-
I don't want to hear it
I need to see you in my office
Now
This is all your fault, Potter!
You'll pay for this
You'll all pay!
Harry: Nice. you're the man
Cho: That made me feel better
Harry: Hey Ginny what's up-
Hey, I hope you have something to say about Voldemort
Ginny: Who?
Harry: Whatever
No, I'm fine
Um
Hey, Harry?
Yeah?
Um, so
We kissed
at the Yule Ball?
And, well, I thought we were gonna be together forever
but we're not
Yeah, that uh
pretty much sums it up
Hey, what's going on?
Ginny, this is what's going on. Don't you get it?
Everyone is in danger who's near to me
We can't be together because
Well Voldemort is back, which he is, then
You're in mortal peril. Don't you get it?
It's just like the Spiderman movie. Haven't you seen that?
MJ and Peter Parker can't be together
But the whole point of Spiderman 2
was that MJ and Peter Parker could be together and
Yeah I know, but the point of Spiderman 3
is that everything sucks and that falls to shit!
Ginny, what I'm trying to say is
I don't want my life to be like Spiderman 3
I hated that movie
Ugh, I'm sorry. It's just
That's my little way of saying, well
We can't be together
I'm sorry Ginny
I'm such an idiot
Ugh, I need a-
I need a butterbeer
Hey! Psst, Potter!
Hey! It's me
Harry: Who're you?
It's Dumbledore
Harry: Oh
Listen, listen Harry I've got some very important things I gotta tell you
What? Oh about Voldemort?
Yes! Things that that are absolutely crucial for you to know
but I can't get into it right now
I need you to meet in my inner office at 10 o'clock and come by yourself
Bring that uh, Invisibility Cloak of yours
and don't go blabbing your mouth about this to anybody
Voldemort has spies that can be anywhere. Even inside of Hogwarts
From now on the only person you can trust Harry, is me
and Severus Snape
Listen, Dumbledore, I know you don't want to hear this, but
I am not so sure about Snape
I think, I think- You know I'm pretty sure he's working for Voldemort
What? That's stupid. You're stupid!
No, no, no I'm actually- I'm positive
That night in the graveyard some Death Eater cuts off his hand
and Snape shows up without a hand
Dumbledore: Oh cockamamie!
Snape has assured me that he lost his hand in an entirely unrelated incident
Dumbledore, why do you trust Snape so much?
Because I love him
Professor, I-
Hey, I don't want to hear anything else about it
There is no way that Severus Snape is, was, or ever shall be
A servant of Voldemort's
All hail Voldemort!
Severus Snape, what are you doing here?
Got tired of being on Dumbledore's lap?
I ought to Jelly-legs Jinx you right now, traitor
Don't be goofy with me
I need to see Voldemort
How do we know this isn't some Order of the Phoenix practical joke?
I thought you deserted the Death Eaters when the Dark Lord lost his body
Or were you always a spy for Dumblebore?
Slumbersnore
Bumblesore!
I heard you had your Dark Mark laser surgically removed
Oh, well if you two know so much about me, you should write a biography
Snape: The Double Agent
That's right
I've always been a servant of Voldemort
I've simply been working undercover, finding out valuable information such as
The inner workings of Hogwarts
The roster of the Order of the Phoenix
and finding out what a true Hufflepuff is anyway
I've seen things no Slytherin should see
So if you're done putting each other's feet in each other's mouths
I would like to see my master
Of course. Right away, Severus
Good!
I'll be in the drawing room
Painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces
Then, after sneaking into the Department of Mysteries
We'll enchant the-
Excuse me
Whoa! Whoa
Whoa-ho-ho, excuse me
I was in the middle of plotting
Where was I?
The statues will occupy the guards in the main lobby while you and I
sneak into the Minister's office
where you will be one Killing Curse away
from complete control of the entire Wizarding world!
How does that sound, my Lord?
My Lord?
Voldemort?
Ahh yeah!
Gringotts, that's great
that's great
Polyjuice potion, always very classy
I'm sorry what are we talking about?
Did you hear anything of my evil plan?
Well um
The details are a little fuzzy, but uh
but you did have a very evil tone
He's all yours
Wh- no, what abo- but Bellatrix, come back
No it's! Aw, co- don't be like this
Aww...
Now two people are mad at me
What?
Sir, Severus Snape is at the door and importunes access to you
Severus Snape?
See him in
Is that a new body, my Lord? You look absolutely ravishing
Severus
For such a super secret spy, you're a terrible liar
I'm a wreck
Better have some good news
My Lord, you know how for years we've been trying to get Death Eaters
into the grounds at Hogwarts?
For years we've been trying to sneak Death Eaters onto the grounds of Hogwarts
Well I think I've finally discovered a way how
Well by all means, Snape, tell me
I can't
Can't?
Tease!
Why not?
I made an Unbreakable Vow not to let any Death Eaters in
Unbreakable Vows, I hate those
I know, but I had to do it in order to convince Dumbledore of my loyalty
Yes Snape, I understand
Well if you can't help me, what do you propose we do?
Well I can't tell you
but I've brought along someone who can
Draco: All hail Lord Voldemort
Lucius Malloy's boy?
Voldemort: Are you serious?
Draco: Malfoy
Voldemort: Are you serious?
Voldemort: Are you serious?
Malfoy
Voldemort: Are you serious?
Help from a child, you've got to be kidding me
Don't make me laugh
I'm pissing
If this homemade Dark Mark won't convince you
Then at least hear me out
Okay
Okay
Okay, how do you propose
you get my Death Eaters into your little daycare center
And don't- and don't suggest a giant slide
or a trampoline
because we've already tried those
The vents
Your Death Eaters shall enter through the ventilation system of Hogwarts
Duh! The vents!
How do we find these vents?
Oh I'll tell you how to get to the vents
But first
We discuss the subject of payment
Ah, the catch
There's always a catch
There's nothing in this world so cruel and demanding
as the soul of a child
What do you want, Malloy?
I want
a galaxy traversing rocketship with enough fuel to get me to Mars
What do you want with a rocketship?
What business do you have on Mars?
Well, let's just say
Pigfarts, Pigfarts, here I come
Pigfarts, Pigfarts, yum yum yum
No no no no with all my respect, my Lord
There's one tiny flaw in that flawless plan
Albus Dumbledore
You're right, Snape
Normally I'd say, "I'll kill him," but I
I haven't been feeling so evil lately
So here's how it's gonna break down, Milfoy
I need your guarantee
That you'll lead my Death Eaters into Hogwarts
I will simultaneously be attacking the Ministry of Magic
Now I need you to promise
that by the end of the siege of Hogwarts
Dumbledore will be dead
Leave Harry Potter for me
But Dumbledore... must die
Do we have a deal?
We shall shake on it
An Unbreakable Vow
I don't-
By the end of tomorrow night, Albus Dumbledore will be dead?
Yes
And I'll have my rocketship?
When the technology is available
And you'll have to be my slave for a whole day starting now!
No!
You little shit!
You got me!
You've got me! Ohh
That is so embarrassing!
That's the second time that that's happened!
That's why I hate Unbreakable Curses
There are so many things I'm going to have you do for me
You're going to clean my room, and lay out my knickers,
and you're going to tape Wizards of Waverly Place for me!
I hate chores!
I'll be busy with a murder
Sometimes-
Hermione: Harry, why would Dumbledore want to meet us so late at night?
Harry: Well he's got some information to tell us about Voldemort
Did you bring the Invisibility Cloak?
I've got it right here
Ron: Alright Harry, this better be good
I don't have a snack, and I'm missing Wizards of Waverly Place for this, okay?
So what do we have to do that's so damn-
Oh my God, thank you
Ron: I love Hogwarts
Hogwarts is amazing
Ron: You want one?
Harry: Yeah
You know what? I am leaving
Whoa no no no no no you're not
No you're not. Okay when I said I needed your help
I meant both of you, so you guys gotta get over these
hurt feelings before somebody gets hurt, okay?
So come on
Hello Harry
Oh God dammit
I told you to come by yourself. Why did you have to bring the fatties?
Dumbledore, Ron and Hermione are my best friends
They're my best friends, and if this information is as important as you say it is
They have a right to hear it
Well I've been wrong before
Get in here hot legs
I was talking to Weasley
Thanks?
Sorry the place is such a sty
Oh my God!
That is a boss Zefron poster
Harry: It's awesome
Just the greatest
You know in every interview I've ever seen him, he just seems like such a
Charismatic uh, humanitarian
You think you like him?
Wrong, because I love him the most
Harry Potter loves Zac Efron more than anybody else in the planet
Ron: He does, that's- that's true
Anyway, no! That's not what we're here to talk about
We're talking about Voldemort
Harry is right. Not necessarily about Zefron
Everybody knows that I like him the most, but uh
About the Dark Lord
If you, uh, were to defeat this guy
You're going to have to know about Horcruxes
Okay. What's um
What's a Horcrux
What is a Horcrux?
Horcrux is one of the most terrifying pieces of magic that a wizard can create. It's-
actually when a wizard takes a piece of his soul and puts it into something else
Why would anybody ever want to do that?
Harry, if you have a Horcrux
you can never truly die
Your body can be dead but your soul can live on
Oh, it makes sense now, Harry
Everyone knows that the night your parents were killed, Voldemort was destroyed
but somehow he survived!
He must have had a Horcrux!
He didn't just have one Horcrux,
He had six of them!
I've already killed the first five for you, so don't worry about that
But you guys have to find the last one with this
The sword of Godric Gryffindor!
That's right
Godric Gryffindor was one of the four founders of Hogwarts
If anything can destroy a Horcrux, that sword is it
This thing is so damn awesome
Oh my God. Every wizard should have a sword!
Not these stupid drum sticks
Forget about them!
Yah!
Yah!
Okay, you know what Dumbledore?
So we know what a Horcrux is, that's all well and good
But how can we find one? Where are they? Where's the last one?
We find them with this
Oh!
Looks like...
Looks like G-Unit bling, but it is actually a Horcrux-seeking medallion
Wait, that's a Horcrux-seeking medallion?
I don't- That sounds a little too convenient
Oh so you have problems with the Time Turner but not the Horcrux-seeking medallion?
Wait, so if he has this piece of bling,
then why are Ron and I even here?
Yeah Voldemort isn't any of our business
Hermione Granger
When one of you's has got a problem,
that means all three of you's has gots a problem
What would Zac Efron say at a time like this?
We're all in this together!
Anyway, you just gotta, you gotta find the Horcruxes
and you gotta destroy them, that's the only way to beat the-
What is in that-
Guests, oh!
It must be the Death Eaters!
They're coming to kill me! Kids, get your beards on
Wh- we don't have any beards!
I thought I told you to bring beards
We have an Invisibility Cloak
Oh well put that on, it's not a beard
Hey, are you Dumbledore?
Oh no no no, you see I've got this beard on
Well have you seen him?
Oh, I thought I saw someone over there by that bureau
but I could have just been imagining what it was that I looked like without this beard on
Alright everybody spread out and look for Dumbledore
He's gotta be around here somewhere
Be careful with the Zac Efron poster, it's an antique
Why do you care so much about Zefron?
I just appreciate his charms
and hair
Harry: Yeah but everybody knows that I like him the best
Ron: Oh my God shut up
What the hell was that?
Ron: Oh my God shut up
I wish that I could say that, it was me
because I feel that I love Zefron the most
But it was definitely a voice from within this room
Is it an invisible man?
Could the predator be in the room?
Begin invisible man search!
Alright, it's me!
It's Dumbledore
Dumbledore, where'd you come from?
The man with the beard turned me in
Now we've got you right where we want you
Yes, but what I don't understand is how
We had the help of a man on the inside
Someone you trusted
Someone you may have even loved
Slughorn?
Lockheart?
Aberforth,
my brother?
No
It was me
Malfoy, you little shit!
That's right Dumbledore
I betrayed everyone
And now I'm going to kill you
Oh no you're not. Draco,
If you were gonna kill me you would have done so already
No! No, no
Not necessarily true!
I just wanted to offer you one more game of Connect Four before I offed you
Draco, there are other options
You know it is time you looked inside yourself
and figured out what it is that you really want
I want Hermione Granger!
and a rocketship
Well why didn't you just take the girl out for a Happy Meal?
Go to space camp, come on
Murder leads to a life of despair and desperation
I know you're gonna do the right thing, hey?
Atta boy
What the devil is going on here?
Dumbledore: Severus, thank you
What the devil is going on here?
Dumbledore: Severus, thank you
We've got Dumbledore cornered
Well, what are we waiting for?
Kill him! Do it, Draco!
I don't think I can
Coward!
Ten points from Gryffindor!
I don't understand
I gave you my letterman's jacket
It never fit
Oh God!
Why didn't you tell me?
I could have shrunk it with magic
Severus, please don't kill me!
Avada Kedavra!
Harry: I hate Snape!
I hate Snape! I hate Snape. I hate him
I'm gonna kill him
Hermione: It's not your fault, Harry
No it is my fault, don't you get it?
Everybody's dying because of me
First Cedric, now Dumbledore
I can't do it anymore
Ron: Come on, let's go to The Burrow. Come on!
No don't you get it?
I have to do this by myself
I did it once when I was a baby
I can't have you guys be near me. You're too much at risk
Hermione: N-no, we don't care about the risk!
No you don't understand. You-
You have to get away from me
Ron: You can't mean that
I do!
Just leave me alone!
Cornelius Fudge! The Minister of Magic
I still don't believe you're back
Believe this Fudge!
Avada Kedavra!
A heart attack. Surely!
Yes! Yes!
The Ministry has fallen! Yes!
Now you're the Minister
Nay, the king of all magic!
Oh, Voldemort
Take me right here
Right now, right here on the Minister's desk
I'm gonna getcha
I'm gonna getcha!
Come here, Trixy!
Oh, wait
You wanna try something new?
Oh, so new!
Get on the desk
Now sit up,
Bitch
Yes, command me, my Lord
That's nice
So what do we do now?
Anything we want
Hang out mostly
We could watch a movie
How's about "She's All That"?
I've never seen the beginning of it
Are you feeling okay, my Lord?
Of course I am, Quirrell
Alright, that's the dozenth time you've called me that!
No, I uh
I called you a squirrel
I-I... called you a squirrel
No. You're thinking on that peon we sent to Azkaban
He's not a peon
He's more a man than you'll ever be
I can't do this
If I'm going to be evil with all of you, I need to be evil with all of you
Evil with all of me? Wh-
What does that mean?
I know I'm right here
No
There are pieces of you missing
Are you talking about my Horcruxes?
'Cause- 'cause if it
If it weren't for those I wouldn't even be here right now!
I can't remember Dad
And I can't remember Mom
Aunts and uncles aren't quite the same
But I had him
And life seemed fair
Yes I had him
He was there
To give me strength, show concern
Ask for nothing in return
Say hello, talk me though
Do the things that fathers should do
And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
There it is. He's gone
And he's hung me out to dry
The joy he said he felt, well
I guess it was a lie
But when I had him
My life was fine
When I had him
He was mine
He'd share his thoughts, be a friend
Stick with me until the end
Watch a movie, rollerskate
Fill the world with fear and hate
And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
Now I'm all alone
Now you're gone for good
Now I'm stuck right here
Wishing I understood
You gave me hope when my spells weren't right
You gave me someone to hold every night
And I'm missing you
Harry: I'm just missing you
And I'm missing you
Harry: I'm just missing you
Quirrell: And I'm missing you
Harry: I'm just missing you
Quirrell: And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
Quirrell: And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
My Dark Lord, news from Severus Snape
Dumbledore is dead and the dementors have control of the castle
Hogwarts is yours, my Dark Lord!
Excellent!
Prepare my flying machine!
Looks like I'm going back to Hogwarts!
Ginny: Harry!
Ginny, what are you doing here? Get out of here!
No there's no place to go! The Death Eaters are all over the castle
I know and they're looking for me
and if they find me, they're gonna be with me
Y-you're gonna, you're gonna get in trouble! Get out of here
Well what are you gonna do?
I don't know Ginny, I'm not cut out for this kind of thing
Well no you have to do something. I don't know what you can do
but you can do it!
You're Harry Potter
No!
You're the Boy Who Lived!
No Ginny, you don't get it!
None of you guys get it, I-
I'm just a twelve year old kid
Ginny I'm sorry but
I'm alone
It's hopeless, right?
I've been alone
Surrounded by darkness
And I've seen how heartless
The world... can be
And I've seen you crying
You felt like it's hopeless
And I'll always do my best
To make... you see
'Cause Harry, you're not alone
'Cause you're here with me
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down 'cause nothing can
Keep me from loving you
And you know it's true
It don't matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through
Now I know it ain't easy
Harry: Know it ain't easy
But it ain't hard trying
Harry: So hard trying
But it ain't hard trying
Harry: So hard trying
Everytime I see you smiling
And I feel you so close to me
Tell me
'Cause baby you're not alone
'Cause you're here with me
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down 'cause nothing can
Keep me from loving you
And you know it's true
It don't matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through
Well I still have trouble
I trip and stumble, trying to
Make sense of things sometimes
I look for reasons
But I don't need them
All I need is to look in your eyes
And I realize
Ron: Hey Harry
Baby you're not alone
'Cause you're here with me
And nothing's ever gonna take us down
'Cause nothing can keep me from loving you
Harry: Loving you
And you know it's true
Harry: Loving you
And you know it's true
It don't matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through
Guys
I'm so glad you came back. I'm sorry I shouted
'Cause it don't matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need
Ron: To make it
To make
To make
To make it
Through
Alright now that we've got that four part harmony out of the way
Why don't we go for that Horcrux?
Yeah let's do it
Well
It could be anywhere
If I had a Horcrux I would drop it in the bottom of the ocean
Or I would put it in a pyramid with King Tut and all of his jewels
Or I would blast it into space with a monkey who knew nothing about Horcruxes
Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British countryside
Our search could entail months of depressing camping,
breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion
Well the medallion says that dumb, so we're not gonna do that
But it does say that it's in one convenient place
Get this, Hogwarts. Wouldn't you know it?
That's awesome. I love Hogwarts
Harry: What's even better
It's in Dumbledore's office!
Oh, bitchin'
Hermione: Awesome!
Oh, bitchin'
So let's go. Oh wait a second, wait a second
Hold the phone, how did you get here?
The Death Eaters are all over Hogwarts
I had help
From who?
Oh he's over here
Malfoy!
Oh, no, no, no, no. He's really nice now
Um, I just wanted to say
that song you guys sang was really beautiful
And um, while- while I was backstage
I was, um, working on my harmonizing
And I thought, um, maybe I could- maybe I could join you but ya-
Wrapped it up before I could chime in there
Maybe if you uh, if you do a reprise I could have a little go at it
So, um, but as- as Ginny said
I'm really nice now
And I just feel awful about what happened
But I mean
Could you argue that this was my fault?
Ron: Yes, all-
Harry: Absolutely, you're an asshole all the time
Hermione: Yes, yes
Harry: Absolutely, you're an asshole all the time
Yeah, that would be a safe argument
Uh, but
Let me ask you one question
Do you think... I'm happy about this?
Oh my God Malfoy
Just because you're upset doesn't mean you're off the hook
Harry: Yeah, and further more
Do you want to kick your own ass or should we do it for you?
Ron: Yeah
Oh, uh
Well I guess if you're giving me the option
I'll... I'll kick my own ass
But, first I should teach you how to get into Dumbledore's office
It's ironically the same way the Death Eaters got in
Okay, alright. Well why don't you boys head off to Dumbledore's office, okay?
Ginny and I will take the Invisibility Cloak
And uh, we will see if we can contact the Order of the Phoenix
We really haven't seen them the whole play
Harry: Okay, that's a good plan
Okay, now don't touch me but let's get out of here
That's good
Ron: Um, hey, hey Hermione!
Here come here, come here
Come downstage
Uh listen
Shit
Um, alright
Uh, hey
So...
I've been acting like a real jerk-ass lately
You know that
And uh, and I'm sorry
It's just, it's just seeing you dance with everyone at the Yule Ball
just made me kind of jealous
I was- I was jealous
You were jealous?
That's the third time I said I'm jealous
Uh, well Ron, we don't really have to talk about this right now
Well what if the Death Eaters get us?
What if we don't come back, you know?
Ron, don't say that-
Whoa
Oh my God
Oh, no way
Take that
Blueberry
Yeah I can taste that
Good. Let it settle
Yeah, yeah
It's ungodly
Take two, take two
You chew it
Awesome
LET'S GO KILL VOLDEMORT!
You blokes see this Zefron poster?
Ron: Yeah we know Malfoy
Harry: We already know about it
Listen Malfoy, it's not that big of a deal
Can we just look for some Horcruxes please?
Ron: Roger
This thing of pencils a Horcrux?
No that's not a Horcrux
Nope
This has a Horcrux?
Nope
Draco: Powdered Donettes?
Nope. Those are snacks
Those are snacks
This a Horcrux?
Try again
This could take forever
He owns so many things in this room
But the only thing of real value
That Zefron poster
Wait a second
Draco: No
You don't think...
No
Anything related to Zac Efron would never be anything evil
Ron: That's impossible. No way
Ron! Kill it!
Kill it, it's the last Horcrux
Kill it Ron!
Draco: Don't kill it!
Kill it Ron!
Draco: Don't kill it!
It's Zefron!
No he's so charismatic!
Don't kill me!
I'm not your enemy
Potter is the enemy
No no no Harry is my friend
You gotta get your head in the game, Weasley!
He will betray you
He will take that which you want the most
It's a lie, Ron! Don't listen to it, he's lying
I know your thoughts Ronald Weasley
I know what you truly desire
Hermione: Hello Ron
Oh my God Hermione, you've lost weight
That's right. I'm in shape for Harry Potter
Wait, what- Harry?
That's right!
As long as Harry's around you'll always be second best, least loved
But if Harry Potter were gone, then we could be together forever
Ron! It's not true. It's not true, Ron
Yeah Harry's my friend
But don't you want me Ron?
Yes
Don't you love me Ron?
Ron: Yes!
Don't you love me Ron?
Then you know what you gotta do, Ron!
Ron: Yes!
Then you know what you gotta do, Ron!
Yes
I must kill Harry
That's right Weasley!
Harry: Ron! No!
That's right Weasley!
It's a trick, Ron. Don't listen to her!
That's right Weasley!
It's a trick, Ron. Don't listen to her!
Stop it!
Listen, Hermione's my best- two of my best friends!
I would never do anything to hurt you or her!
Lies Weasley! All lies. You will cower in hell!
Ron it's not true! You're my best friend, man. My best friend!
Kill him!
Ron it's not true! You're my best friend, man. My best friend!
Ron it's not true! You're my best friend, man. My best friend!
Kill him!
Do it again
Oh just- put some tape on this, it's fine
Ron
You had me going there for a minute, buddy
Oh yeah
Sorry about that, pal. It was just...
Everything she was saying, you know, and it feels like I couldn't
I dunno...
What?
Even if that's
how she did feel about you and me
Well, it wouldn't matter
'Cause you're my best friend
I would never... do anything to hurt you
Because I love you
I love you too, man
Come on
I love you man, that's so great...
My best friend-
I love you man, that's so great...
My best friend-
No touching, no, no
Well um, listen chaps
As fun as this was, I thought destroying a Horcrux would be much harder
Yeah
Me too
'Cause when you think about it
Horcruxes are just kind of stupid
Yeah look at that
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Bellatrix: Wands down boys!
How did you idiots get captured? You were invisible
Hermione: Sorry!
Do it Potter! Or they die!
Well, looks like we've got our backs up against the wall with nowhere to go
Put you swords down, and wands
Aww, look at itty bitty Harry Potter giving orders to his itty bitty diaper friends!
I'm not a baby! I'm not a baby, I'm twelve and I killed a Horcrux
Snape: What the devil is going on here?
I'm not a baby! I'm not a baby, I'm twelve and I killed a Horcrux
Snape: What the devil is going on here?
Whoa, d?j? vu, I'm so...
Bellatrix: Victory Snape!
I love it! We have Potter and his friends at last!
You are a very mean person!
Yeah and Dumbledore trusted you
Yeah you're a big fat traitor Snape
Oh a traitor am I, Potter?
You're exactly right
I am a traitor
Because I'm about to betray someone
Right now
Hiya!
Bat-Bogey Hex!
No!
Expelliarmus!
Serpensortia!
My wiener!
Snape! No, Snape!
Don't even think about moving unless any one of you wants a snake to the wiener!
Now come on Potter, you're coming with me
Only the Dark Lord has reserved the right to kill you. Come on!
Kids!
Mom!?
Mrs. Weasley?
Who the hell are you?
I'm Molly Weasley and those are my kids
Avada Kedavra!
That is not fair!
Die! Bitch
Holy shit!
Mom you just killed her!
I thought you were going to tuck in her shirt or make her do the dishes!
Stupid!
Ow! Ow! Ow
Deperate time calls for deperate measures
Even the Unforgivable can be considered forgivable sometimes.
What are you doing here?
We came here with the Order of the Phoenix
Lupin, Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody, Sirius Black, and your brother Fred
Oh great, where are they?
They're all dead
Fred... no!
Anyway...
Just came here to save your lives, go back to what you were doing
Disapparate!
Snape! Snape, Snape
Um, uh... Expelliarmus!
Die! Die!
No... Harry this does not look good. That is a coral snake
And a coral snake is a highly poisonous snake
Snape: Potter, she's right
And a coral snake is a highly poisonous snake
Snape: Potter, she's right
It's too late for me now
Before I go, I need to tell you
There is another Horcrux
How can that be? All six have been destroyed
No, no there's a seventh
I really hope it's not an Ashley Tisdale poster. I can't do that
Take the medallion
Doesn't say anything
But give it to Granger
Wait but... it says there's one right here but I don't understand
Yeah
Harry, the night Voldemort killed your parents
He tried to destroy you but his body was destroyed instead
When that happened, a part of his soul was blasted away from the whole
And attached itself...
to you
Voldemort can never truly die until all the Horcruxes have been destroyed
But if... if Harry's a Horcrux, I mean, does Harry have to be destroyed?
There's got to be another way
No, Potter. I'll show you what you need to do
Watch very carefully
He... he didn't even do anything
That's cause he's dead you dumb mother-
People of Hogwarts
My Death Eaters have taken the castle
And your headmaster, Albus Dumbledore... he's dead
Continue to resist, and you will all be killed one by one
But... there need not be war between us
You all fought so valiantly
And I'm willing to offer you positions in my new world order
as my slaves
Give up now and be forgiven
I command my Death Eaters to stand down
Now, Harry Potter. I speak directly to you
You do not wish for those closest to you to continue to suffer and die on your behalf
You will come face me yourself
I will be waiting for you in the Forbidden Forest for one hour
At the end of that hour you have not come to face me, have not- turned yourself in...
The battle recommences
This time, Potter, I shall enter the frame myself
And I will find you
And I will murder every last man, women, and child
Who has tried to conceal you from me
Voldemort out, bitches
Alright guys don't worry. We- we still have an hour
Okay? We just need to come up with a plan
No, there's- there's no plan Hermione. I know what I have to do. I-
I have to die
No no no no there's got to be another way
Well, m-maybe there's something, uh
Maybe there's something in this book
You know we- we could find some sort of enchantment that will nullify-
No, no forget about it. There-
There's only one thing to do
I have to die
I love you all
Except you Draco, I can't *** stand you
Goodbye
Ginny: Harry...
Ron: Harry!
Ginny: Harry...
He's not coming, my Lord
It seems that way
Well Death Eaters
Looks like we're going back to seize the castle
This is what Potter has chosen
It's funny I... I expected him to
I expected him to come
It seems I was mistaken
Harry: You weren't!
Harry Potter!
The Boy Who Lived
Crucio!
Ow...
Crucio!
You're not even going to fight back
You're weak
Weak
Just like your...
Parents
They did not deserve to live in this world
In my world!
Prepare to join them
Prepare
To die
Avada Kedavra!
Voldy! Voldy!
You've done it my Lord. Potter is dead!
No one shall ever question your powers again!
Yes
Doesn't this please you my Lord?
Yeah
Yeah it's great, it's great
I just thought it might make me feel less empty inside
Well Death Eaters
We go back to Hogwarts to tell them of what has become of their
Hero
Dumbledore: Hey Harry
Harry: Whoa!
Dumbledore, wha-?
What are you doing here? What am- where am I?
I thought I was dead. I got shot by Voldemort
Let's just say you're somewhere between our world and the next
What? Did I survive? What... what happened?
Wouldn't be the first time, Potter
Take a seat
Alright
Harry
Have you ever heard of a lo- Sit down!
Have you ever heard of a love shield?
Uh... no but it sounds kind of
Kind of fruity
A love shield is anything but fruity
It's when somebody loves you so much that if they were ever willing to give their live for you
That love literally becomes a shield that surrounds your body
To protect you from any form of Dark Magic
So is that what just happened to me?
I have a love shield?
Harry, it's time for you to learn all the things you should have known seven years ago
Which really would have helped you along the way
The love shield protected you the first time, uh
Voldemort accidentally turned you into the seventh Horcrux
The one that not even he knew about. Uh...
Exactly, and when Voldemort tried killing you this time
He was actually unknowingly killing the piece of himself inside of you
Uh, and I've known the whole time
You knew this whole time? You bastard
Hey, hey
You knew this whole time? You bastard
Hey, hey
They don't call me the greatest wizard who ever lived for nothing
Harry, it is time for you to get your cute little butt back there
and fight him as a mortal man
Except this time, he will be a mortal man too
Dumbledore, I get what you're saying. I know what I have to do
Good boy, good boy
Hey, before I go... um
So you're clairvoyant now, right?
You can see the past, the present, and the future all the same time?
Oh yeah
You can see the past, the present, and the future all the same time?
Can you tell me how Lost ends?
Harry, there are some questions that even I can't answer
Thanks man
Hey, no problem. Get out of here
Third door on your left, yeah
Are you ready to go Dumbledore?
Sure am, Rumbleroar!
And you're sure you don't want to let Harry Potter know that you're really still alive?
Ahh no
Pigfarts has been a closely guarded secret for thousands of years
It'd be a shame to let the cat out of the bag
No pun intended
I supposed you're right
Do you have your spacesuit, Dumbledore?
Oh! Thank you for reminding me!
Ready to go, Rumby?
I sure am
To Pigfarts!
Rumbleroar!
People of Hogwarts
It's me
Harry Potter... is dead
He was killed while running away, trying to save himself
While you laid down your lives for him
The battle is won!
My Death Eaters outnumber you
You continue to resist and be slaughtered
Come out of the castle!
Kneel before me, and you may be spared
Ah shit
Okay, um...
Alright, uh you guys. You guys barricade the door
Go with, with the bench. Go, go. Do it. Do it right now
Um, Cho!
You- you see if Neville's dead
Um, you guys! Uh, go get snacks!
Ah shit we barricaded the door
Me... I will... will- quick
Well, there's only one thing we need to do. We're gonna fight
Ugh, come on I'm tired
Can't we just be Death Eaters?
No! No we can't just be Death Eaters
Okay?
We are gonna fight! Okay?
And we are gonna fight so hard!
That we are gonna win
He thinks that we're finished
He thinks that we're done
He thinks that it's over
His battle is won
Ha!
He thinks that we're finished
No, but we're aren't through
Stop and think, my friends. What would Harry do for you?
Never gave up the fight
Harry stood up for what is right
Well now it's our turn
Our turn!
Make a joyful sound
Voldemort is going down!
Yah!
Come on!
Come on guys!
Get in a line!
We must unite so we can fight
Turn the battle around!
Time's running out. It's time to shout
Voldemort is going down!
Can't you feel a fire burning?
Now it's time to be a man
A great big, muscley, super big, super hot man!
We won't be pushed around anymore
We'll be a force you cannot ignore
We'll be an army for Dumbledore
For Dumbledore!
We must unite so we can fight
Turn the battle around!
Time's running out. It's time to shout
Voldemort is going down!
Guys I'm alive!
Ron: You're back!
Guys, I know how to defeat Voldemort
Everybody follow me, okay?
We're gonna beat him
We must unite so we can
FIGHT!
Turn the battle around!
Time's running out. It's time to shout!
Voldemort is going...
We must unite, so we can fight
Voldemort is going...
Voldemort is going down!
Cho! No, no no no it's cool. We barricaded it
It's alright. He can't get in. We barricaded the two doors and it's fine
It's impossible. It's impossible. Don't worry about it-
Avada Kedavra!
What!?
Potter!?
How many times do I have to kill you, boy?
Clearly more than once
But it's all over Voldemort, 'cause you can't kill me this time
Nobody help me. I gotta do this by myself
He doesn't mean that!
It's not how he operates, is it boy?
Who you gonna use as a human shield this time, Potter?
Harry: Don't-
Hermione: Ron!
Harry: Don't-
Ron: Oh
Nobody! Because this time it's just you and me
Because all the Horcruxes are gone. I destroyed them all
What?
Even my Zefron poster!?
Especially the Zefron poster!
No! Curse you, Potter! You'll die for that!
No! I won't, I won't
Because you can't kill me, and you can't kill any of these people
What the **** you on about?
You don't learn from your mistakes, do you Voldemort?
I was prepared to die to save these people
But you didn't!
Yes, but I meant to
And that's what did it
I've done what my mother did for me for these people
I've given them magical sanctuary so you can't hurt me
Or these people ever again!
So what?
Who cares about these children?
It's you I want dead, Potter
What's to stop you from dying when I strike?
Just one thing
Think about all the people you've hurt, Voldemort
All the lives you've destroyed
All the people you've killed
Okay?
Maybe try a little slice of remorse pie
What?
There's got to be one person... one thing in your life that you miss
You regret
Well, maybe there's one I...
No! There isn't!
The joke's on you, Potter!
I don't care about anybody!
I know
And that's what makes you such a piece of shit
'Cause here at Hogwarts we all stick together
We love one another. We're friends
My love's protected these guys
And their love is all I need to protect me from you
Let's put that theory to the test, Potter
Avada Kedavra!
Harry: Expelliarmus!
Cho: Well chocolate frogs! Harry Potter did it, y'all!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa whoa whoa
Listen, Harry
What?
Just wanna let you guys know, um
That I'm totally cool with it. Go on
Go, make out with him. Come on. Make out with me
Guys, I mean, I guess that about ties up all the loose ends!
Yeah! Everything's cool!
Oh! Except for the House Cup Tournament
Neville: Kids! Kids, look at this
I found Dumbledore's will
Harry: Dumbledore's will?
It says in the event of my death, Gryffindor wins the House Cup!
It also says that Hogwarts goes to Harry Potter
My chocolate factory goes to Charlie
And Toontown goes to the Toons!
Hey guys, well I guess all the professors are dead, so
Butterbeer's on me!
Free to go
Quirrell: Thank you
Dementor: You know
While I was devouring every single one of your happy thoughts
They all seem to be about a certain friend of yours
Care to talk?
No, no that's behind me now
Sorry
Well did you hear the news?
Voldemort is dead!
Yeah, good luck getting off this impenetrable island
Dead!?
Hey you
Voldemort is it... is it really you?
What's left of me
But I just heard that you were-
Destroyed
Yeah
But Quirrell there's
There's part of me... that's still here
And I can't go on to the next plane without it
It's a part of me that can't be destroyed
Because it's right
in...
Here
In my heart?
So you came back?
I came home
And you don't want to kill Harry Potter anymore?
No...
No
Because I learned something when I had my body back, Quirrell
I learned that life is
really messy
...complicated and
And it doesn't turn out the way that you think it will
And that- you-
You think killing people might make them like you but it doesn't
It just makes people dead
I got ki- I got killed by a two year old!
And it's really embarrassing, and everyone says
"When you gonna come back Voldemort?"
"When you gonna take over the world?"
And it's on me! It's all on me!
And I'm sitting there by myself 'cause no one wants to help
And I say to myself
Maybe with Quirrell things would be okay
Is okay good?
Quirrell
Okay is wonderful
Baby you're not alone
'Cause you're here with me
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down 'cause nothing can
Keep me from loving you
And you know it's true
It don't matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through