A Sinful Life (1989) - full transcript
A former 'Sonny and Cher' dancer tries to pull her life together when social services threaten to take her daughter away from her.
[instrumental music]
[water gurgling]
[music continues]
[gas hissing]
(man on phone)
'If he's passed out, we'll send
over the paramedics, okay?'
No, you don't understand.
There's no need
for the paramedics.
My husband is dead.
'Ah, we'll send them anyway.'
[music continues]
- Daddy never coming back?
- No, I'm afraid not, sweetie.
Not such a good way to start out
your birthday, was it?
No, what are we gonna do?
Don't you cry, because
we'll be just fine.
- We will?
- Of course, we will.
Remember when I was
a little girl.
'I didn't have a daddy, either.'
And it was right around
the time of my birthday too.
And mama didn't think
we were gonna make it.
You was a little girl like me?
That's right.
Mama and I used to love
to stay up late and watch TV.
[upbeat music]
(girl #1)
'Pom-pom!
Pom-pom!'
Pom-pom!
Pom-pom!
[female crying]
Don't cry, mummy.
It was just a movie.
- I'm no good as a mama.
- That's not true.
You know what
I should have done?
I should have
taken you and Dan--
- Don't--
- The day you were born--
Say that.
- Have a mother like me.
- That's not true.
Oh, I love you, mama.
Oh.
I'll never find another
man like Harlan Jewel.
- Harlan was a champion.
- Yeah.
Baby.
Baby.
Baby.
How do you like
your mama to read to you?
- Yeah, a little bedtime story.
- Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Lend me the TV guide.
- Okay--
- Wait.
- Channel?
- Nine.
Okay.
"Campus profile.
View point on nutrition."
Mmm.
Now, here we are.
Here we go. Wheel of fortune.
You like to play
wheel of fortune.
If I was on that show.
I'd get us
a peach love sofa.
Porcelain duck.
And the best case of scotch,
money can buy.
Then all the kids at school
would stop making fun of you.
And I could get to have
a pom-pom out there.
So, they make fun
of me at your school, do they?
Except for Mrs. Crow.
She says everybody
should feel sorry for you.
Well, I don't want their pity.
So what if you don't dress in
fanciest clothes in the world?
I got you cable, didn't I?
Yes.
Well, I'd be working
and making a lot of money.
If I hadn't sprained my ankle
getting off that bus,
sick heals.
Oh, it hurts mama to walk.
Oh, Baby.
Baby.
Baby. Why don't you
do me one of them
pom-pom cheers
on your way to bed?
Okay.
42 and
12 and
- 10!
- That's right.
- Uh.
- Move your feet.
36 and
29 and
Alright!
[Timbuk 3 singing
"A Sinful Life"]
* Don't need nothing new *
* Nothing too expensive *
* Just a sinful life with you *
* Give me something borrowed *
* I'll buy you something good *
* I'll trade this
life for sorrow *
* For a sinful life with you *
* Sinful Life *
* Sinful life with you *
* No promises of paradise *
* Just a sinful life with you *
* Sinful Life *
* Sinful life with you *
* No promises of paradise *
* Just a sinful life with you **
[cheering on TV]
'Push daises, babe.
I'll stick it out then.'
'Okay, stay
with General Ike.'
'50 points to General Ike.'
Awake, mama!
Mama, awake!
Mama, wake up!
I'm late for school!
What?
What time is it?
It's eleven and a half.
Eleven and a half?
Wake up!
I'm late!
[indistinct chatter]
Baby, Baby.
Get me a pencil and a pen.
Oh, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
'No, no, no!'
Oh, no!
Ah.
Oh.
Oh, no!
Mrs. Crow's gonna be mad.
Alright, don't worry.
Don't worry, Baby.
Dear, Mrs. Crow.
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
Please forgive Baby
for being so hideously late.
Oh, Jesus!
Entirely the fault
of our next door neighbor.
An elderly woman
who kept us up all night,
while she choked on a carrot.
Respectfully.
And with all my love.
Claire Vin Blance.
There, that ought to do it.
Baby, your mama's done it again.
Here, give this letter
to that idiot teacher
and say, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I overslept this morning."
Sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I over sleep out this morning.
Here, here,
like a pretty curtsy.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I over sleep out this morning.
Okay, that's good.
Now, here.
Give this dollar to R.J.
at the liquor store
and tell him
to deliver you to school.
Get some wieners
for your lunch
Oh, boy!
Wieners!
- Bye-bye, see you later.
- Bye, honey. Bye.
Ah-h!
Who it!
Who that man?
Well, he must be
the new janitor, Baby.
I'm sorry.
I was just about to knock.
What is he doing here?
I don't know.
Is he gonna be our new daddy?
Goodbye, Baby.
Joe Magneson, maintenance.
3F says you got some
water dripping down
that's staining the ceiling.
Oh, well, maybe you better
come in and take a look.
Probably your sink.
My sink?
Looks like that's
where your problem is.
Not surprising either, not the
way you're around in this dump.
Bagdasarian's no better
than a slumlord, Joe.
Yeah, like them,
cheap toilet paper.
he bought for the building.
Went with the duty
points of the mighty probe.
Jerk!
He thinks he's better
than everyone.
And guess who has to replace
every single one of 'em?
Except for yours.
'Cause you got what, one
of those fancy electric ones?
That's right.
- And 1B.
- Teresa.
I can't get in there.
Every time I go to the door
there's one of them
Barbra Streis-Burg
records playing
and someone's crying
like a wounded goat.
Listening to Streisand can
be very moving for a girl.
Must get awful lonely down
there in the boiler room.
Ain't so bad.
Got me a fan.
Some magazines.
I think your problem's fixed.
Can't go wrong
with a little duct tape.
Care for a cocktail
before you go, Joe?
Cocktail?
Yes.
Sure, I can go
for a little something.
[upbeat music]
Bye!
(Mrs. Crow)
'Who does she think I am?
The village idiot?'
'I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I over sleep out this morning.'
I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I over slept out this morning.
- I'm so sorry--
- Baby.
That's enough.
Now.
Let's see what
we have for lunch.
Then, you can go out and play.
It's pimento loaf.
Just the way you like it.
Plenty of real butter
and mayonnaise.
Mmm.
'I almost forgot.'
I got this last night.
I saved it for Carl.
Carl got him
his own house to live?
'That's right.'
You know, Baby. I'd like to come
and see where you live.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
My mama don't allow
no teachers in our house.
Is that right?
Yes.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Votre santé.
What?
Votre santé.
That's French for bottoms up.
Oh, oh, oh!
[laughing]
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Sometimes, I just speak French
without even realizing it.
Ha-ha, oh!
You see, I'm just nuts
about anything French.
That's why I chose Vin Blance
as my theatrical name.
You see, I used
to be a dancer, Joe.
You mean like twirling around?
That kinda stuff?
'That's right.'
I used to dance on television.
The Sonny and Cher Show.
Well, that little
guy with the moustache.
That's right.
That was Sonny.
One of the most talented
performers I ever knew.
Cher practically
threw him in my arms.
When I was in the army once.
Tell me it wasn't Vietnam.
That godless, sexless wall.
Worse.
Fort Brad.
This candy-ass lieutenant has
got it out for me all the time.
I despise lieutenants.
So I says to the fucking MP's
"So someone steals
a fucking TV set.
"I know nothing
about no fucking TV set, sir.
"Maybe the fucking lieutenant,
fucking planted the fucking TV
in my fucking room, sir."
Guess who ends up spending 60
days in the fucking stockade?
Your country betrayed you.
Oh! That just gets
my blood to boiling.
I've a good mind to write
the commander-in-chief
and believe you me,
I can find out who that is, too.
I wish there was something I
could do as an American citizen.
[instrumental music]
Something to help
you forget your pain.
What do have in mind?
Seeing my autographed picture
of Sunny Bono
would brighten your day.
I keep it hanging above my bed.
Yeah.
It says
"Claire, I got you, babe."
Let there be light!
[upbeat music]
Wow!
So like a cat house
in Lynchburg.
Meow.
Meow?
Grr!
Oh!
I get it.
You come over here.
You sit right by me.
You big old angel baby.
[music continues]
So, uh..
Should I, you know. Take off
my clothes, that kinda thing?
Yeah, let's be savages.
[music continues]
* I wanna snuggle *
* I want you now and *
* That's the love *
* Let's make love *
* If it's Candy you want *
* I'll give you my lips *
* If it's ice-cream
that you need *
Oh.
Ah-h!
- Hmm.
- Ugh!
* Listen up now, baby *
* I'm tired out now *
* Might make me
do, do, do, do *
Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
- Ruff!
- Ruff!
Grr..
Meow! Meow! Meow!
Meow! Meow! Meow!
Meow! Meow! Meow!
Meow! Meow! Meow!
[rhythmic thudding]
[speaking in Spanish]
(Joe)
'Grr.'
'Woof! Woof! Woof!'
[thudding]
[snarling]
[snarling continues]
[thudding]
[speaking in Spanish]
Woof! Woof!
Woof! Woof!
[speaking in Spanish]
[screaming]
Nice mattress.
[gulp]
Hello, Mr. Beamer.
Have a nice day.
Mama, I home from school.
Time to get up.
Mama?
Mrs. Crow wanna get
an appointment with you.
[doorbell rings]
Mama, there's
someone at the door.
Who is it?
'Squeaky frog.
Charlie sent me.'
It's Teresa!
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
Mwah.
Mwah.
- Say hi to Carl.
- Hi, Carl.
That's alright.
Where's your mother, hon?
What you got?
You got your face on a picture!
Yes, honey.
I had my portrait
taken in Montgomery Wards.
I'm giving my bonus
print to your mother.
Wow!
Mama, look.
Teresa brought us a present.
Hello, Teresa.
Oh, Teresa. It's lovely.
The photographer said I look
just like a young Pam Dawber.
What do you think?
Mama? Mama?
- Thank you, Teresa.
- You're welcome, Teresa.
Mama, can I put some
of your candies in my cake.
Sure, honey.
Do whatever you want.
Thank you.
Well, you look like you've been
worked by the national guard.
- Does it show?
- Only if I keep my eyes open.
Baby, what are you doing?
I'm making a rum cake
surprise for my teacher.
Well, don't make a mess.
So, tell-tell.
Anyone I know?
Come on, what
are you waiting for?
Oh, sorry.
Hello, Ms. Tremaine.
Hello, there.
- Sexy boy.
- Teresa.
Yeah, well. Listen,
I still got some time left.
Yes. Well, we'll discuss
my drains later.
I hope you are available
tomorrow morning.
I'd like you to snake my tub.
Yeah. Well, uh.
Alright. You know..
I just close my eyes
and pretend he's bigfoot.
Sounds like my new boyfriend.
Rafael.
Rafael?
R-R-Rafael.
Midnight, dawn,
the express line.
Just the low hum
of the freezer lockers
and the boys slapping cellophane
on a day old hamburger.
He was a dollar short.
And had a dragon tattooed on the
biggest bicep I had ever seen.
Mmm.
So, I said.
Honey, marry me and I'll pay
for those Vienna sausages.
Oh, oh, oh.
[indistinct chatter]
Two spoon yellow candy.
And then I said.
Slap me, so I know
I'm not dreaming.
And Claire, he almost did.
Ah-h, Teresa!
He sounds too good to be true.
Half a cup pink candy.
(Claire)
'Oh, Teresa.
I wanna hear more.'
- 'Why don't you stay?'
- Oh, honey. I'd love to.
But I promised Rafael
that we'd dine at the Sizzler.
[speaking in Spanish]
[speaking in Spanish]
Speak of El Diablo.
[speaking in Spanish]
Okay, okay.
I'm coming.
Claire.
I tell you, if immigration
doesn't catch him.
I'm going to live
happily ever after.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, Teresa!
So, did you give the pretty
note to your teacher?
Yes, I said
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I over sleep out this morning."
What did she say?
She said, she's gonna call you
here at 6 o'clock sharp.
'And she said,
you better take her call.'
'Or she'll file a report.'
A report?
Yeah, she's gonna file a report
to social studies.
So, then what happened?
So then, lunch time was over.
And Mrs. Crow let
me feed the fish.
And then, Mrs. Crow said
she's gonna
make everyone sing
happy birthday
to me, even Pam.
You got a birthday
coming up, Baby?
Yeah, November the tenth.
'Are you sure?'
You are really growing up, Baby.
I remember when
I used to pick a day
and say,
it's your birthday today.
And I'd let you pick out
any TV show you wanted.
[telephone ringing]
And you'd always
pick my favorite.
[telephone ringing]
So, what TV show you
gonna watch this year?
HBO's playing
Planet of the Apes.
Mama, the phone is ringing.
Yeah, mama.
It's really ringing.
It's Mrs. Crow calling for you.
What? You answer it.
But mama, it's my teacher.
No, you answer it.
And you tell her, I'm not here.
Hello?
Hello, Mrs. Crow.
Hello, Baby.
Is your mother at home?
No, my mama's not home.
Tell her, I'm rolling bandages
for the Red Cross.
What?
The Red Cross.
She's rolling
around with the Red Cross.
Really?
Baby?
Could I come and pay
you a visit tomorrow?
Uh-uh, my mama always says
if she ever finds a teacher
in our house
she's gonna spank them until
they screaming for an ambulance.
[laughing]
Would Carl allow teachers
to come visit him?
I don't know.
You want to ask him?
Hello?
Yes, Mrs. Crow, this is Carl.
Yes, you can come
over to my house.
You can come over
to my house tomorrow.
Baby!
Bye.
Uh-oh!
[upbeat music]
Mama?
Mama?
Mama? Mama?
Can I go up on the roof
and feed my birds?
Sure, Baby. Sure.
But first, could you
get your mama a cocktail?
Okay.
Got you!
You little flying shit machine.
Ah-ha!
Get outta here.
Sons of bitches.
Got you!
Janitor Joe,
what are you doing?
What are you doing up here?
I'm feeding my birds.
- You're feeding them?
- Yes.
What do you got in the bag?
- Bag?
- Yeah.
I, uh, found some of your birds.
It must have got
washed or something, uh?
'There, you see.'
You saved my birds.
'Aww!'
Yeah.
Well.
His name is Wendy.
'You can hold him.'
Okay.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
You ain't so stupid,
after all, huh?
Free food.
A roof to shit on.
[dramatic music]
Mama!
That's for your arm smell.
Honey, here.
Take this note and put
it down the trash chute.
Okay, good.
Here.
[instrumental music]
"Dearest, darling, Joe.
"Unfortunately
"I must cancel
"our love-feast this morning.
'"Because Baby
has gotten herself into'
'"terrible trouble
with her teacher'
"at school.
"I shall try to be strong.
"In the jaws of hell.
'"Your love slave.'
'"Claire Vin Blance.'
"P.S.
"Joe plus Claire
equals wow."
- What time is she coming?
- 10 o'clock.
10 o'clock?
Why in the God damn hell do you
have get up so God damn early?
[knock on door]
Wait, wait, wait.
[door bell rings]
- Okay?
- Wait, wait, wait.
[knock on door]
Jesus. Wait, wait.
[doorbell ringing]
Okay.
Mama, it's Janitor Joe.
Joe. Joe.
I'm expecting company.
If you think, I'm gonna sit
around and let some teacher
mess around with you
and the little princess.
Well, then you don't
know Joe Magneson.
Joe.
There's nothing you can do.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I happen
to be 100% man, peaches.
It's rum cake surprise.
Joe, get out.
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
You cannot help me.
Oh, yeah?
Well, that's what you think.
I was in high school,
this one time.
And this teacher is riding
my ass the whole time.
So, one day.
He's accusing me of burning
up the school bulletin board.
You know?
So I flip him off.
And he clamps me
up against my locker.
And so, I says to him, I says
"Hey, you fuck faced geek.
Leave me the fuck alone
or I'll call the fucking cops."
Joe, look.
- I appreciate you trying--
- This is good!
I made it myself with
mama's special candy.
Joe..
[Joe grunting]
Mama's special candies?
Wha-what, from
the medicine chest?
Oh, Jesus. How much
did you put in, Baby?
Three tablespoons yellow candy,
half cup pink candy.
A half a cup
of 20 milligram valium.
Jesus, God! Joe!
Wake up!
[knock on door]
It's Mrs. Crow from
Thurgood Marshall Elementary.
Oh, Jesus.
[knocking continues]
Baby, Baby, Baby.
One moment please.
[knocking continues]
- Okay. One moment, please.
- Another moment, please.
It's Mrs. Crow.
Baby, Baby.
Get me some pillows.
[doorbell ringing]
- One moment, please.
- Another moment, more moments.
Okay.
- Is that good?
- That's good.
- One moment, please.
- Come on. I'm coming.
Baby, Baby.
Open the windows.
It looks like
a mausoleum in here.
[doorbell ringing]
Now, Mrs. Crow can
see the dead pigeon
which smacked itself
into the window.
(Claire)
'Baby, get the door.'
[knocking continues]
[doorbell ringing]
Okay.
Good morning, Baby.
My teacher's in my house.
My teacher's in my house.
Mrs. Crow, come.
See the pigeon.
He's dead.
Baby!
I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I'm, Claire Vin Blance,
Baby's mother.
I was just finishing
my morning reading session.
Well, won't you sit down?
(both screaming)
No!
No, let's sit over here.
I'm afraid that couch
has seen better days.
There.
Well...I'm going to make us
all a nice hot breakfast
which I do every morning.
And you just ramble on
about whatever it is you want.
I'm not hungry, and I'd like
to get straight to the point.
Certainly.
Baby is not living up
to her potential.
Uh-oh.
Although she's
a warm and sharing child
who excels at rhythm band.
'That's enough.'
I am extremely concerned
about her poor performance
in reading, writing.
Not to mention, arithmetic.
'Education is her only
way out of this gutter.'
There are very few
jobs that require
excellence in rhythm band.
Uh, have you ever heard
of "The Solid Gold Dancers"?
I think they make a little
more money than teachers.
[locks clicking]
Baby's birth certificate lists
the last name as "Bump".
"Baby Bump"?
That's right.
Vin Blance
is my theatrical name.
Yeah, and at Halloween time,
she's big hobo, and little hobo.
'Uh..'
...do you and your husband have
any pet names for each other?
My husband's been dead
for ten years.
I'm sorry. Suicide?
Ms. Bump, may I speak
to you alone?
Certainly.
Baby.
Now, I want you
to go to your room
and memorize 12 times
everything up to six hundred.
- Okay.
- I'll quiz you later.
Ms. Bump..
...you don't fool me
for a second.
And now that I've seen the
disreputable living conditions.
Look at this couch.
I have no other choice than to
report you to social services.
What? Because of a couch?
With my recommendation,
social services will have
the child removed
to a foster home immediately.
Removed?
What?
Mrs. Crow, I fully intend to do
a complete spring cleaning
and I'll get a new couch.
My, what a pretty outfit.
And when do you plan on having
this spring cleaning completed?
December.
By Saturday.
And it better be good.
Because if I get
her out of here..
...I'll see to it,
she never comes back.
What are you talking about?
If I can find Baby's
natural father
I could place her
with him permanently.
What makes you think
Baby has a natural father?
Go on..
In between
theatrical engagements..
...I was a receptionist at a
sperm bank called "Hope on Ice".
I was working there when the
San Fernando Earthquake hit.
14 donors died
on the job that day
including our champion
wackman, Harlem Jewel.
'I was luckier.'
I was trapped in the freezer
where the specimens where kept.
Broken vials everywhere.
For three days, I was hip
deep in a river of white.
Shall I draw you a picture?
No.
So you see
Baby could literally
have hundreds of fathers.
I think you'll notice on
this certificate under father
it says,
"List available on request".
And that's exactly what I did.
(Claire)
'So you-you-you--'
(Crow)
'Yes, I did.
And let me tell you, Ms. Bump.'
'I'll do anything
to get that poor little girl'
'out of this pig pen.'
(Claire)
'I'd be careful about throwing
around the word "pig".'
'That does it!'
'I'll make it a personal goal to
take that child away from you.'
(Claire)
'What do you know
about raising a child?'
Do you know what it is
to take care of a child?
Mama.
I think..
Baby..
Baby, please.
Please.
I love, Baby.
You can't take her away from me.
Ms. Bump, loving a child
and raising a child
are two different things.
(Mrs. Crow)
'She needs a father.
Someone with a job.'
Goodbye, Baby.
I'll seen you on Monday.
And Ms. Bump..
...make sure she gets
to school on time!
Yes...yes...I will.
I'll make sure she gets
to school on time.
Even if I have to get up myself.
Well, you really helped,
didn't you?
Joe Magneson,
man of the hour!
You've really gone
and done it, Janitor Joe.
Mama's gonna spank you
with a pancake turner
'then you gonna be sorry.'
No TV for you tonight.
Are you gonna go live with
the fosters at their home?
Baby...no.
No.
If Harlem Jewel were here,
he would know what to do.
[doorbell ringing]
Who is it?
(Teresa)
Someone who's gonna
rape and kill you!
It's Teresa.
Honey.
If that woman I saw blowing out
the front door is Baby's teacher
we're gonna have to send her to
school with a cross in her hand
and a garlic necklace.
So, how'd it go?
It was a complete disaster.
Joe ruined everything.
He's gonna get a spanking
he's never gonna forget.
He passed out on the couch, we
had to cover him with a blanket.
And Mrs. Crow, almost sat
her big butt on his head.
- Dear..
- Teresa.
She's trying to take
my little angel away from me.
She said I have
to have a new couch.
I have to have this place
clean like a hospital.
I guess, I'll just have
to kill myself.
- 'No, mama, no.'
- Now, Baby, honey.
Your mother and I
need to talk.
No, mama, no, ma.
Why don't you go to your room
for a little while and color.
Baby, be careful.
Now, Claire, calm down.
We'll just clean this place up.
Okay?
No, she's not gonna stop there.
She say's I have
to have a husband.
One with a job.
Well..
...he's had a steady job
for almost three weeks now.
Joe?
Look, honey,
you're the natural mother.
There's no way in hell
she can take Baby away from you
if you're married.
I'd say, the only thing
you have to worry about
'is getting a new couch.'
Teresa..
...I have had my eye
on a beautiful
peach love sofa
in the Sears catalogue.
It looks just like something
Marie Antoinette would've owned.
And how you're gonna
get this showpiece?
[snapping fingers]
I got this old
Sears credit card.
Yes, there it is. They tried
to take it away from me.
But I wouldn't let 'em have it.
Honey.
You use this,
you'll end up in county jail.
[phone ringing]
Vin Blance residence.
Oh, it's Nathan Flowers
and I'm calling you
from the laundry room.
Oh, it's you.
It's Nathan Flowers.
I'm sorry to disturb you--
I thought I told you
to lose my number.
Look, is Ms. Tremaine up there?
She's been hogging the dryers.
It's over two hours now,
and it's just not fair.
No, it's not fair.
I'd be happy to kill myself.
- What did she say?
- You heard her.
I am gonna have to report you
to the landlord.
Yeah, why don't you report
us to the landlord.
We're running scared up here.
I despise that weasel.
You don't have to live
next door to him.
Every time I put on a
Barbra Streisand album
he starts banging
on the wall.
So, I just put on
"Don't Rain On My Parade"
and I sing as loud as I can.
Good.
I cringe when I see him
come home from work.
Looking like, like a mortician,
that awful blue suit.
With his little,
his little Sears...namepad.
Sears?
Teresa.
- Teresa.
- Claire.
No, Teresa, woah,
woah, woah, Teresa.
Claire.
Claire, what are you
going to do now?
Teresa..
...on your way home tonight
would you mind just
slippin' a little note
under Mr. Flower's door?
[instrumental music]
Bye-bye.
Thank, thank you!
Mama?
Wake up, I home from school!
And what did you do
in school today?
I didn't go to no school today.
But why didn't you
go to no school?
Because R.J.
don't got enough gas.
And then we were going
to the price bar
and they was playing pool.
Baby, what are you
doing home so late?
R.J. says what
does he look like?
The Unified School
District Licenser?
And he's not going
to do it no more
unless you give him more money.
Well, I don't have time
for R.J.'s crap today.
Mr. Flowers is gonna
be here any minute.
[doorbell ringing]
- That's him.
- That's him?
Baby, get the door.
- Are you Mr. Flowers?
- Yes.
I'd seen you before
in the lobby.
- Is your mother at home?
- Yes.
You can, you can sit here
with me on the couch.
[jar tinkling]
These are my rocks.
You can hold them.
- Oh...rocks.
- Yes.
These are my bugs.
You can hold them.
- Bugs?
- 'Yes'.
Would you like me to read
to you from my book?
Shouldn't we outta wait
until your mama comes out--
Peter Piper packed
a pack of pickled peppers.
A pack of pickled peppers
Peter Piper picked.
'Peter Piper packed
a pack of pickled peppers.'
Nathan Flowers.
Mama! I'm reading
to Mr. Flowers from my book.
Well, it was just so charming
of you to accept my invitation.
Can I get you
a cocktail before dinner?
Oh, no, thank you.
[Baby screaming]
I don't drink.
But you go ahead. I don't mind.
Oh, well, no. I only keep
it on hand in case of company.
Praise the Lord.
It's only poison.
Yes, well.
Oh, wait a minute, Baby..
Baby, why don't you go over
to Mrs. Alvarez's
and borrow some
instant coffee and some High-C.
Alright.
Nathan.
Nathan.
I've been dying to get to know
you better for such a long time.
That's why I hoped you did
accept my little invitation.
Well, we have had our
differences in the past, I know.
Let's let bygones be bygones.
Oh, thank you.
Uh...somethin' sure smells
awful good around here.
Oh, I'd hoped you'd like it.
It's called Campbell's Stew.
Well, if it tastes just
half as good as it smells.
Oh, it's a very
simple recipe, um..
..you take
a package of wieners
then cut the wieners
into one inch slices.
Set the wieners aside.
Next, open a can
of pork and beans.
I prefer Campbell's.
A can of corn.
Drain, then combine
the ingredients.
Then let them simmer
for five or ten minutes.
And viola!
Campbell's stew.
My goodness.
Who says you have to spend
a lot of money
at the house of pies,
to get a good meal.
And you know what
the best thing about it is?
It's even better the next day.
You know what,
if you want
I could just wrap up
the leftovers
and you could take it
with you to work.
Wherever that might be.
- Sears
- Sears?
Sears and Roebuck?
Oh, my goodness!
That store has everything.
Why, that is our slogan.
[laughing]
Yeah, I am the supervisor
in the credit department.
[both laughing]
Aren't you somethin',
you sly dog, you.
Why, Nathan,
that kind of job
calls for a
very intellectual kinda man.
[door opening]
Mrs. Alvarez says,
"What does she look like?
The Welfare League?"
And when are you gonna pay her
back for all the booze
you're always loaning
off of her.
Baby. Baby.
Go set the table.
Mrs. Alvarez drinks.
Mama! Mama!
That stove is burning up.
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, well.
Oh, that's good.
I'll be careful not to scrape
from the bottom.
Okay, everybody,
dinner's served.
There.
Okay.
- Let's eat.
- Claire.
Would you do the honor
of saying grace.
Grace?
Please.
Sure, why not?
Baby.
Our father, the Virgin Mary
and all you
holy blessed saints
give us, the Lord,
which we are about to eat
and we thank him
for this food.
Ave, ave Maria.
Amen.
And may I offer a prayer
up to you, O Lord.
For our dear sister, Claire.
Who has worked so
very hard on this meal
which we are about
to offer up to you.
We are all your unworthy
servants, but we try.
Dear...sweet...blessed Jesus.
That we may walk
in your holy light.
And that we might be amongst
those chosen to ride up
to your loving bosom.
In your blazing chariot,
on the day that you rose
like you did in the temple.
With your mighty
sword of justice
to slay the wicked.
Amen!
Yes, Jesus, yes!
Slay everybody in Hollywood.
Especially the manager
of the 7/11 on Ivar.
Amen to that.
Let's eat!
[doorbell ringing]
- Someone's at the door.
- Excuse me, Nathan.
It's Janitor Joe.
Well, I don't believe I put
in a call for maintenance.
Well, I just thought
that we could get together.
Oh, what on earth for?
Are you a handyman..?
What, what is he doin' here?
See here, Magneson.
I hardly think
the lady's affairs
are any of your business.
And I, I'm sure our landlord
Harry Bagdaserian,
wouldn't think so, either.
Oh, yeah...you little termite.
Oh, of all the impudence.
I will have you fired for this.
Help! Help!
Don't hurt him.
(Joe)
'What do you care?'
[knocking on cupboard door]
So, now it's the handyman, huh?
Magneson!
[knocking continues]
- Joe, I can explain this.
- Handyman?
Let me out of here
What happened to that
angel baby?
What happened to
"I'll be Peaches, you be Herb"?
Claire!
Joe...Mr. Flowers is gonna
help me get a new couch.
So, naturally I have to--
So naturally, you're gonna
show him that picture
you got hanging over your bed.
Help!
You're a liar, Claire.
You lied to me,
and you used me.
You can just keep those
goddamn boxers shorts
if you think they smell so good!
[knocking continues]
(Nathan)
'Help!'
Oh, Nathan.
Oh, Nathan,
I'm-I'm so sorry.
Well, come and sit down.
That Philistine..
That Goliath!
Dear Lord, loose a plague
of locusts upon him.
Send in an angel of death.
Well...I'll write a little
note to the landlord.
- Harry Bagdaserian?
- Yes.
The angel of death?
I'll have that
impudent scoundrel fired.
No, no..
Nathan, you can't,
he'd lose his job.
Janitor Joe loves mama.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes.
Oh, no..
Dear, sister Claire.
Oh, this is much,
much worse than I thought.
Dear God...give me the strength.
Until that Philistine
is purged from this building
I will not leave
this woman's side.
That won't be necessary.
Oh, not at night, of course.
And I do have to go to work.
But aside from that, I will be
the guard at your gate.
A soldier.
A soldier of God.
Nothing can sway my resolve.
Amen to that.
"Dearest, darling, Joe."
"Can I dare hope
that you will forgive me
"after I have hurt you so,
my poor wounded dove.
'"Can I dare hope
that one day soon
'"we will be married?'
"Please say yes,
and then read on.
Yes...I will marry you.
"Now, we must endure
a terrible separation.
"of a week or so.
"Oh, my beloved
for I must get a couch.
"Be strong, my brave Indian.
"For a week shall seem
like four or five days.
"Sincerely. And with every
dripping ounce of my love
Claire Vin Blance."
[sobbing]
Claire.
And taking him aside
from the crowd
Jesus put his fingers
inside the man's ears.
And spitting,
he touched his tongue.
Then, he looked up to heaven..
...sighed, and cried Ephphatha.
That is..."Be thou open".
What a pretty prayer.
Who wrote that one?
Well, that was
the apostle Mark.
Mark, Chapter seven,
verse 31.
I just adore Mark.
Um...what was that,
that Jesus said?
Ephphatha?
Be thou open.
Yes, that's it.
You know, I just
find it fascinating
when people are open
with each other
especially about God and all
that junk, don't you think so?
It is so important.
Do you think that God
would strike me dead
if I prayed
for something for Baby?
Well, I can't see why.
I'm so glad you said that.
You see, Baby's been
asking for a peach love sofa
for her birthday and..
(Claire)
'...I'm a little short of cash.'
Peach love sofa.
That child told me if she could
only she have a peach colored
love sofa, she'd devote the rest
of her life to God.
A peach love sofa.
Oh, darn it, Claire.
The Lord...he sure works
in mysterious ways.
Because Sears has one
of them in the catalogue.
Praise Jesus!
You're kidding.
No.
Oh, dear Lord
please make a peach
colored love sofa jump right out
of this catalogue and into
my living room by Saturday.
Hala-hala-hala.
I'm a countin' on you, Lord.
I'm a countin' on America.
Claire, I would like to make
that miracle happen for you.
Oh, Nathan, you're not God.
You're only the supervisor
of the credit department of..
That's right, Claire.
Sears!
Nathan, I would be honored to
accept a credit card from you.
And I would be honored to accept
a credit application from you.
But Claire..
You need to score 100 points.
And as a single,
non working mother
I don't see how you can
score much more than ten..
What I'm trying
to say, Claire, is..
...the wife of
a credit supervisor
could score 100 points.
Maybe more.
- The wife?
- I know it's awful sudden.
But ever since I first met you..
Darn it, Claire, I think
I'm in love with you.
Will you marry me?
Well, woah, the marriage,
that's a big step.
There's gotta be an easier way
to make a miracle happen here.
How about if we just
kinda swap miracles.
- I burn for you, Claire.
- Uh-uh-uh!
I will buy you that sofa
as an engagement present.
- By Saturday?
- I swear on the Bible.
Alright, Nathan, we're engaged.
But you can't tell anybody.
Joe will foam at the mouth.
Oh, I promise.
But you don't have
to worry about that libertine
Bagdaserian promised me
that he would him his papers.
What?
Claire...Claire,
I think I'm gonna cry.
You've made me so happy.
- You made me happy too.
- No, I don't deserve this.
Yes, you do.
Oh, you've made
me so happy.
I'm happy too.
I'm really, truly happy.
I'm happier than I've ever
been in my entire life.
[drilling]
Baby, stay in the room.
[drilling continues]
Joe, what the hell
are you doing?
I love you!
So you drink a gallon of scotch
and bore holes through my door.
Lord, they ought to write
a song about this.
That's right.
* I'm drilling a hole
through your door *
* I'm drilling a hole
through your door *
* You never let me in.. **
Joe...I thought I told you
not to step foot
in my apartment for a week.
Well..I just couldn't keep away.
I mean, I've never met
anybody like you before.
You got class.
You got class up the butt!
I got you a little present.
(Claire)
'What?'
"Musical door chimes.
"Every time someone
comes through your door
love will fill your home."
Twelve bucks.
[door chimes chiming]
That's very sweet, Joe.
Nothing, but the best..
...for my wife.
Uh, Joe, woah, woah,
Joe, Joe.
Joe, there's something
I gotta tell you here.
Come...come here. I don't know
how I'm gonna explain this.
I was gonna tell you
in a little note.
Peaches, I read every
goddamn note you ever wrote.
[laughing]
Yeah, well, good. I'm glad
to see you in such a good mood.
I always said,
you're the kinda guy
who can roll with the punches.
It's over.
Over?
What do you mean it's over?
I'm engaged to Nathan Flowers.
Nathan?
No. No-no, you-you're
engaged to me. I love you.
Well, sometimes
love ain't enough.
So, that's it?
You're just gonna throw me out
like some mangy dog?
No, Joe, I'm sorry.
Oh, you're sorry?
No-no. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm gonna splatter my
brains all over your apartment.
[drill whirring]
Joe, for Heaven sakes!
[crying]
You think I'm just a punk.
Some little cockroach
you can squash
with your high fuckin' heels.
Joe, you are not
a cockroach, alright?
Or maybe I am.
But did you ever just squash
part of a cockroach, Claire?
The other half
can go on living.
The other half could go
crawling across your hand
when you're not looking.
Its guts all
hanging out of its back.
That's just what
I'm gonna be, Claire.
I'm gonna be
the other half of a cockroach
who'd come crawling
across your face
when you least expect it
'cause this cockroach
hates your fucking guts.
Ugh! Ugh-ugh-ugh!
[melancholic music]
Magnuson.
Get your stuff and get out.
- What?
- I said get out. You're fired.
[laughing]
- Fired?
- You heard me.
Yeah, janitor, get out.
Get your stuff and get out.
Ok, look, Mr. Bagdasarisa
I know what
you're thinking. Look.
I'll give you back
the light bulbs, okay.
Keep the damn light bulbs,
alright.
I got enough trouble
without you screwing around
that broad in 4-F.
Oh, and there is your check
minus rest of the day.
(Baby)
'Mama, how come you're
reading phone numbers'
'from my friends at school.'
(Claire)
'No reason.'
You're talking
to Pam Stain's mama?
That's right.
Pam Stain told me she's
going to get a slumber party
and Rainbow Smiles
is coming over
and she's not inviting me.
Well, that little bitch!
Who is Rainbow Smiles?
He is the clown on TV
that rides the pony.
And I told Pam Stain that
Rainbow Smiles is not coming
to her party
'cause Rainbow Smiles
only likes little girls
that's nice.
Baby, how would you
like to pick out a present
for your birthday?
- Planet Of The Apes.
- No. A real present.
Some fish.
Fish are nothing more than
our bowels floatin' around
in dirty water.
Pick somethin' else.
Some lipstick.
Shoot for the stars, Baby.
Alright, an elephant.
Well, that ain't gonna happen.
Here. You get to pick
anything you want
from this catalog.
Ah, look. From this page.
- This one.
- No, not that one.
- This one?
- A love sofa?
- Yes.
- Good.
Now, look, you even
get to pick the color.
- Baby, did you notice a peach?
- Peach!
- Peach.
- Peach.
- Peach.
- Peach.
Oh, baby, you should've been
an interior decorator.
Well, honey, if you want
a peach colored love sofa..
Yes!
- For you..
- Yes.
If you want
a peach colored love sofa
that's what you're gonna get.
And-and-and pom-pom?
Oh, now, don't be greedy, Baby.
That's unbecoming.
Fuckin' crazy bitch.
Got me fired.
I don't need this fuckin' job.
Hope On Ice Sperm Bank.
"According to our records you
could be the possible father."
Baby bump!
I could be
the princess' old man?
Hey, Claire!
This bug ain't dead yet.
I got you, babe.
[evil laugh]
"And after he said these things
he spat upon the ground
"and made clay
with the spiddle.
'"And he spread it
over his ass and said'
'"Go, wash thee
in the Pool of Siloam."'
He spat on him and then
he's takin' a bath?
Nathan, can't you find one
chapter where he's not spittin'
or sticking his fingers
in somebody's ears?
I-I'm sorry.
Well, we don't want Baby
pickin' up bad habits.
[doorbell rings]
- Who is it?
- 'Might be a hit-woman.'
Oh, boy!
It's Teresa.
Mama, look. It's Teresa.
Hello, Ms. Tremaine.
No one shouting hallelujah
right now, so, relax.
Honey, I got us
a clown for the party.
- What?
- Hallelujah!
Praise Jesus.
Praise me. The girlfriend
of mine does clowns.
What? What?
Honey, you got this place
lookin' pretty good.
Mama's been
working like a slave.
Oh! That she does
every day of her life, sugar.
Now, I got to run and pick up
Rafael from traffic school.
He ran his Gran Torino straight
through an AM/PM Mini Mart.
- Sweet Jesus!
- That's what Rafael said..
...when I grabbed his crotch
and he hit the gas.
Goodbye, girls.
- 'Buh-bye, Teresa.'
- 'Bye, Teresa.'
Now, uh, how about
a little something from Luke?
I love Luke.
Uh, yeah well, at that time..
"there was a certain poor man
named Lazarus who lay
"at a rich man's gate.
"He was covered in sores
And they had puss coming out
of them and they were scabbies.
- What?
- No. Um, well, um, let me see.
- Lepers, no.
- Oh, I love lepers.
No, Nathan.
"Of course, my main concern
is for the child's welfare."
Well, yeah. Me too.
You aren't exactly what
I had in mind, Mr. Magnuson
but unfortunately I had only
one response to my letter.
Well, most guys who
whack off professionally
take their 25 bucks
and figure, "That's it."
I've spoken to Principal Tiptin
about your job situation.
'You'll be starting
on Monday helping out'
'with the custodial duties.'
No. I'm not gettin' up
at six o' clock in the morning
to hang around
with a hundred kids
screamin' like
a bunch of dying cats.
I'll see to it that you're
on the after-school shift.
Yeah, well, you do that.
And maybe princess
can do some of the work.
Yes. Well, there's just
one problem.
What? Haircut?
No, Mr. Magnuson.
You're not married.
[indistinct]
you gonna give
onyour birthday today.
[squeaky]
I'm gonna sit here
in my baby bed
'and not get messed up'
and I'm not gonna expect
nothing special.
[doorbell rings]
Who is it?
- Hello, Ms. Tremaine.
- Hello, Moses.
Hello, Mr. Flowers. Praise thee,
you're getting well.
Hello, Baby. That is one heck of
a handsome sofa you have there.
Don't touch it.
That's my birthday present on
account of today is my birthday.
Oh, I had no idea!
Oh, it's you. Baby, come on. I
want to put you under the dryer.
I'm gonna get
the curlers off my head.
So, I'm gonna look
like an angel.
You look awful nice
today, Ms. Tremaine.
Thank you.
Well, I understand that
they had to fire that janitor.
- They?
- Hmm.
Well, aren't we just a little
Harper Valley hypocrite.
Nathan, get off the couch
for heaven's sake..
Here, you be in charge
of streamers and balloons.
Aye-aye, captain.
I don't wanna mess it up
before Mrs. Crow even sees it.
I'm sorry.
(Claire)
'Now, everything's
under control.'
Where is the god damn teacher?
[doorbell rings]
(female #1)
'It's Mrs. Crow
from the penitentiary'
Speak of the devil and she
shall ring your doorbell.
Oh, Mrs. Crow.
- How nice to see you again.
- Yes.
Won't you come in?
Uh, I don't think you've met
my dear friend Teresa Tremaine.
- I've heard so much about you.
- Oh, thank you.
Yes, well, Baby is
a fountain of information.
Perhaps, she told you
about Mr. Flowers.
(Mrs. Crow)
'No.'
It's my pleasure
to meet you, Mrs. Crow.
Claire has spoken
so very, very much about you.
Yes. Well, Mrs. Crow,
do you notice anything new?
I see you
got a new couch.
Come here
and sit by me.
Oh,
what a lovely hat.
Oh,
and a wrist corsage.
Yes, I just got back
from out of town.
It looks like everyone's here.
So, why don't we begin?
Yes, why don't we just
put the gaiety on hold
for a second
and I'll get Baby.
Now, I want you
to close your eyes
and don't open 'em
till I tell you.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Now, don't expect
nothing special.
I won't.
Okay.
Oh, this is
gonna look good.
[whispering]
Now, do exactly
what I told you.
(all)
'Surprise!'
My teacher's
in my house.
Yeah, it's
a surprise party, Baby.
You have made
surprise party for me?
- Yeah.
- That's right.
And you made my teacher
to be here for me?
- Yes.
- That's right.
And you puted up
colored papers for me?
- Yes, baby.
- It's a surprise party.
And you got
doritos for me?
- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, Baby.
- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.
Yay!
Look at you,
sweet doll.
Now, I want you to come over
here and sit next to Mrs. Crow.
Right over there.
That's good.
(Claire)
'Ah-ah-ah, put your feet
on the floor. Okay.'
Good. Nice.
What, Teresa?
We open the presents?
Teresa, where is the god damn
C-L-O-N with the C-A-K?
Don't worry,
honey.
Here. Open this,
it's from me.
A present for me?
What is it?
- Mama, look. Perfume.
- Ooh.
My...sin.
Mr. Flowers,
my sin.
This is from me, Baby.
I hope you like it.
What is it?
[whispering]
What is it?
Mama, look.
A fish.
Mrs. Crow
got me a fish.
Just what we need
around here. Fish.
Oh, I'm gonna
call her...Todd.
And I gonna be chattin'
her all the time.
Well, here, say thank you.
Make a pretty curtsy. Get up.
Thank you
for my present, Mrs. Crow.
Bye, Todd.
See you later, alligator.
Is there
anymore presents?
No, that's it
for now, Baby.
Teresa.
[doorbell rings]
I wonder who
that could be.
(all)
'Ooh!'
(Baby)
'Who is it?'
(Claire)
'Joe!'
Joe?
Magnuson, you are not welcome
at this celebration.
Joe, what the hell
are you doing here?
- He's with me.
- With you?
That's right,
peaches.
The bug is back.
Here, princess.
A present from me
and my wife.
- Your wife!
- That's right, peaches.
Me and Doddy just
got back from Vegas.
Got ourselves legally hitched.
How do you like that?
You make a beautiful couple.
All we've come to do is
claim what is rightfully mine.
Namely one certain
little princess.
Now, no no.
Say here, Magnuson--
And my name is on a list
that says I can do just that.
It's all legal like.
We only want
what's best for the child.
Mom, am I going
on a trip?
Over my rotting corpse.
Nathan, tell 'em.
Claire
and I are engaged.
- Really?
- That's right.
I'm the natural mother.
My apartment is clean.
I got a new couch
and I'm soon to be married
to a god fearing man. A god
damn pillar of the community.
Gee! And it seems
like only yesterday
that me and Claire
would play, "Ride the Bull."
- What?
- What!
Maybe, I should give him all
them love letters you wrote me?
Here, pal. I won't
be needing these anymore.
No. Nathan, give those letters
to me this instant.
Wait till hear
about the couch.
- Nathan.
- Couch?
If you love me, you
won't read those.
Claire,
I can't help myself.
"Every dripping ounce
of your love.."
"Perched upon
your throbbing.."
Claire,
you Judas...whore!
Especially whore.
Nathan, these letters,
look, are obvious forges--
Thou shalt not lie.
Thou has committed
adultery.
Thou has borne
false witness against me.
And satan co-operated.
Now, you're getting
melodramatic.
You'll marry
a plague of flies.
- Now, cut that out.
- A plague of frogs.
That's disgusting.
I'll send in plague
of boils on you, Claire.
Gods strike her dead.
Joe, get her things.
Baby, you're coming
with me and your father.
No, I don't want
to go anywhere. Mama, no.
- The child is mine.
- Oh, you let go of her.
Pull, Doddy.
[indistinct chattering]
[doorbell rings]
Happy birthday,
everyone.
It's me.
Rainbow Smiles.
And I've got an itch,
I can't scratch!
- Mama, look.
- Alright.
Alright, everybody. This is my
clown for my kid. So, back off.
You've got one minute.
- So, where's the birthday boy?
- It's me.
Well,
ain't you cute?
Here we go,
honey.
We're gonna
party all night.
* What you see
Is what you got **
[upbeat music]
Oh, watch out now.
That's my wife.
* Mm, yeah **
Look, there's Rainbow Smiles
dancing in my house.
* I want you doable *
Ow! Ow!
* And that room
is full of strangers *
Ah! Oh, Mama, look.
I got her glove.
Oh, Baby, that's good.
That's good dancing.
* And I'd keep her too busy *
Oh, my god!
Father, forgive her.
She knows not
what she's done.
She knows exactly
what she's doing.
[howling]
Mama, I riding a pony.
She loves it,
look at her.
Oh yeah, hell,
she doesn't know the difference.
- Oh.
- Oh.
[screaming]
- Oh.
- Thats' it. Enough!
Smiles, you were great. You were
just wonderful. Come on.
'Break time.'
How come you never come to our--
[screaming]
Help me!
- Claire!
- You need to pay me money.
Mama!
You went walking.
It's the big one.
Whore!
Somebody called
for a whore?
Run now!
(Claire)
'My baby!'
Now, give me my child.
The list say's that my husband
is one of Baby's fathers.
- Yeah.
- Gimme that list.
If Baby has to go with somebody,
I'll choose who the father is.
(Baby)
Mama..
Here...Harlem Jewel.
He's deceased.
He died in the earthquake.
They never found his body.
I'll search to the ends
of the earth till I find him.
He wasn't like you.
Harlem was kind,
he was sensitive.
Sometimes, when I'd pass
by his cubicle in the sperm bank
he'd be playing
a Barbra Streisand album and..
...if I listened real hard..
...I could hear it in him inside
softly crying.
(Teresa singing Memories)
* Memories *
* Like the corners
of my mind *
[all gasping]
Mama wh..
Baby! Baby, look!
It's Harlem.
Harlem, they said
you were dead.
They said he was dead.
Harlem is dead darlin'
When that sperm
bank caved in on me..
...I thought
I'd never get out alive.
But, I clawed
my way out..
...found a pair of heels
and I've never looked back.
I'm sorry
I never told you, Claire.
I knew you'd loved Harlem.
Everytime I came in,
I could see it in your eyes.
But, I didn't want
to be Harlem.
The day that
Harlem Jewel died..
...is the day,
Teresa Tarmay, was born.
This is outrageous!
And I shall continue
to live my life as I please.
And I choose to give, Baby
to somebody who'll love her.
Baby, come 'ere!
Harlem..
Teresa..
...take her
and take care of her.
He's not married.
But he will be.
Teresa's had an offer
of marriage from a man
- who-who speaks fluent spanish.
- A...Claire.
Ravio did propose
to me last night but..
...immigration paid me
a visit this morning.
He didn't love me,
he only wanted a green card.
- So, I said no.
- Ha!
Gimme that child!
Wait a minute, wait!
A minute!
Teresa..
...you and I would
make a good team.
Lesbians!
Lesbians?
Honey, I know a couple
of lesbians who would
love to beat
the shit out of you.
(Claire giggling)
Teresa...I would be proud
to be your wife.
And vice-versa.
Can-can me and Carl
be on the team too?
- Oh, Baby.
- Of, course, Baby.
You haven't seen
the last of me.
I told you
to clear out of here.
Yeah, clear out,
janitor.
And take that
dump truck with ya!
Come on you miserable worm.
[sighing]
Come on, let's get out of here.
- The movies almost startin'
- Oh, boy!
[intense music]
Lord, if I had the trials
and tribulations of living
on planet of the apes.
Well, girls...
I gotta get going.
Baby, I want you to make
sure your mother wakes up
early tomorrow morning.
'Cause we got a 10 'O clock
appointment at wedding world..
...and I just know we're gonna
fight just a little while
over that white wedding dress.
Well, goodbye, girls.
Muah. Muah.
- Goodbye, Teresa.
- Bye, Teresa.
Teresa's gonna
be our new daddy?
That's right.
Rainbow Smiles
catched her boyfriend.
Rainbow "caught"
a boyfriend.
Rainbow caught a boyfriend.
If you were like,
Zira the ape girl
you could catch yourself
a bunch of boyfriends.
But, they'd all
be apes, Baby.
Did you make a nice wish
when you blew out those candles.
Yes.
What did you wish for?
I wished for,
Todd to come back.
Yeah, it's a damn shame,
that fish is missing already.
It must have jumped
right out of the bag
and straight
into the toilet.
She must've.
Fish gotta
be free, Baby.
I know.
'So, did you wish
for anything else?'
You mean, you can get two?
Sometimes.
I also wished for pom-poms.
- Like these?
- Yes, Mama, yes!
Oh, pom-poms.
Oh, Mama, I love you more
than fish and more than pom-poms
- and more than everything.
- Oh.
And you lived happily
ever after, afterwards?
For the most part, yes.
Hi, Sweetie.
Mommy, it's,
Grandma and Grandma.
Here, sweetie. We brought you
a little birthday present.
Yes, we thought you might
like something nice.
What with your, Pa,
shooting himself and all.
A pom-pom outfit.
I had to pick it out myself.
Teresa was to busy
making love to the stock boy.
Oh, poo,
we just kissed, that's all.
Sweetie..
...sweetie, I want you to do
your mama one of them
- pom-pom dances.
- Get out on this floor.
You do me one of 'em
pom-pom cheers, come on.
A hundred and one.
Eleventy-two.
Three and four
and six and eight.
Oh, we gonna
be tear up 'em up.
What do you think
you're doing to us.
Nine and eight
and twelve and one.
We gonna fight.
We Indians, baby.
Oh, my heart's just
gonna bust wide open.
* Don't want nothing fancy *
* Don't need nothin' new *
* Nothing too expensive *
* Just a sinful life with you *
* Give me something borrowed *
* I'll buy you something blue *
* I'll trade this life
for sorrow *
* For a sinful life with you *
* Sinful Life *
* Sinful life with you *
* No promises of paradise *
* Just a sinful life with you *
[water gurgling]
[music continues]
[gas hissing]
(man on phone)
'If he's passed out, we'll send
over the paramedics, okay?'
No, you don't understand.
There's no need
for the paramedics.
My husband is dead.
'Ah, we'll send them anyway.'
[music continues]
- Daddy never coming back?
- No, I'm afraid not, sweetie.
Not such a good way to start out
your birthday, was it?
No, what are we gonna do?
Don't you cry, because
we'll be just fine.
- We will?
- Of course, we will.
Remember when I was
a little girl.
'I didn't have a daddy, either.'
And it was right around
the time of my birthday too.
And mama didn't think
we were gonna make it.
You was a little girl like me?
That's right.
Mama and I used to love
to stay up late and watch TV.
[upbeat music]
(girl #1)
'Pom-pom!
Pom-pom!'
Pom-pom!
Pom-pom!
[female crying]
Don't cry, mummy.
It was just a movie.
- I'm no good as a mama.
- That's not true.
You know what
I should have done?
I should have
taken you and Dan--
- Don't--
- The day you were born--
Say that.
- Have a mother like me.
- That's not true.
Oh, I love you, mama.
Oh.
I'll never find another
man like Harlan Jewel.
- Harlan was a champion.
- Yeah.
Baby.
Baby.
Baby.
How do you like
your mama to read to you?
- Yeah, a little bedtime story.
- Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Lend me the TV guide.
- Okay--
- Wait.
- Channel?
- Nine.
Okay.
"Campus profile.
View point on nutrition."
Mmm.
Now, here we are.
Here we go. Wheel of fortune.
You like to play
wheel of fortune.
If I was on that show.
I'd get us
a peach love sofa.
Porcelain duck.
And the best case of scotch,
money can buy.
Then all the kids at school
would stop making fun of you.
And I could get to have
a pom-pom out there.
So, they make fun
of me at your school, do they?
Except for Mrs. Crow.
She says everybody
should feel sorry for you.
Well, I don't want their pity.
So what if you don't dress in
fanciest clothes in the world?
I got you cable, didn't I?
Yes.
Well, I'd be working
and making a lot of money.
If I hadn't sprained my ankle
getting off that bus,
sick heals.
Oh, it hurts mama to walk.
Oh, Baby.
Baby.
Baby. Why don't you
do me one of them
pom-pom cheers
on your way to bed?
Okay.
42 and
12 and
- 10!
- That's right.
- Uh.
- Move your feet.
36 and
29 and
Alright!
[Timbuk 3 singing
"A Sinful Life"]
* Don't need nothing new *
* Nothing too expensive *
* Just a sinful life with you *
* Give me something borrowed *
* I'll buy you something good *
* I'll trade this
life for sorrow *
* For a sinful life with you *
* Sinful Life *
* Sinful life with you *
* No promises of paradise *
* Just a sinful life with you *
* Sinful Life *
* Sinful life with you *
* No promises of paradise *
* Just a sinful life with you **
[cheering on TV]
'Push daises, babe.
I'll stick it out then.'
'Okay, stay
with General Ike.'
'50 points to General Ike.'
Awake, mama!
Mama, awake!
Mama, wake up!
I'm late for school!
What?
What time is it?
It's eleven and a half.
Eleven and a half?
Wake up!
I'm late!
[indistinct chatter]
Baby, Baby.
Get me a pencil and a pen.
Oh, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
'No, no, no!'
Oh, no!
Ah.
Oh.
Oh, no!
Mrs. Crow's gonna be mad.
Alright, don't worry.
Don't worry, Baby.
Dear, Mrs. Crow.
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
Please forgive Baby
for being so hideously late.
Oh, Jesus!
Entirely the fault
of our next door neighbor.
An elderly woman
who kept us up all night,
while she choked on a carrot.
Respectfully.
And with all my love.
Claire Vin Blance.
There, that ought to do it.
Baby, your mama's done it again.
Here, give this letter
to that idiot teacher
and say, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I overslept this morning."
Sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I over sleep out this morning.
Here, here,
like a pretty curtsy.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I over sleep out this morning.
Okay, that's good.
Now, here.
Give this dollar to R.J.
at the liquor store
and tell him
to deliver you to school.
Get some wieners
for your lunch
Oh, boy!
Wieners!
- Bye-bye, see you later.
- Bye, honey. Bye.
Ah-h!
Who it!
Who that man?
Well, he must be
the new janitor, Baby.
I'm sorry.
I was just about to knock.
What is he doing here?
I don't know.
Is he gonna be our new daddy?
Goodbye, Baby.
Joe Magneson, maintenance.
3F says you got some
water dripping down
that's staining the ceiling.
Oh, well, maybe you better
come in and take a look.
Probably your sink.
My sink?
Looks like that's
where your problem is.
Not surprising either, not the
way you're around in this dump.
Bagdasarian's no better
than a slumlord, Joe.
Yeah, like them,
cheap toilet paper.
he bought for the building.
Went with the duty
points of the mighty probe.
Jerk!
He thinks he's better
than everyone.
And guess who has to replace
every single one of 'em?
Except for yours.
'Cause you got what, one
of those fancy electric ones?
That's right.
- And 1B.
- Teresa.
I can't get in there.
Every time I go to the door
there's one of them
Barbra Streis-Burg
records playing
and someone's crying
like a wounded goat.
Listening to Streisand can
be very moving for a girl.
Must get awful lonely down
there in the boiler room.
Ain't so bad.
Got me a fan.
Some magazines.
I think your problem's fixed.
Can't go wrong
with a little duct tape.
Care for a cocktail
before you go, Joe?
Cocktail?
Yes.
Sure, I can go
for a little something.
[upbeat music]
Bye!
(Mrs. Crow)
'Who does she think I am?
The village idiot?'
'I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I over sleep out this morning.'
I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I over slept out this morning.
- I'm so sorry--
- Baby.
That's enough.
Now.
Let's see what
we have for lunch.
Then, you can go out and play.
It's pimento loaf.
Just the way you like it.
Plenty of real butter
and mayonnaise.
Mmm.
'I almost forgot.'
I got this last night.
I saved it for Carl.
Carl got him
his own house to live?
'That's right.'
You know, Baby. I'd like to come
and see where you live.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
My mama don't allow
no teachers in our house.
Is that right?
Yes.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Votre santé.
What?
Votre santé.
That's French for bottoms up.
Oh, oh, oh!
[laughing]
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Sometimes, I just speak French
without even realizing it.
Ha-ha, oh!
You see, I'm just nuts
about anything French.
That's why I chose Vin Blance
as my theatrical name.
You see, I used
to be a dancer, Joe.
You mean like twirling around?
That kinda stuff?
'That's right.'
I used to dance on television.
The Sonny and Cher Show.
Well, that little
guy with the moustache.
That's right.
That was Sonny.
One of the most talented
performers I ever knew.
Cher practically
threw him in my arms.
When I was in the army once.
Tell me it wasn't Vietnam.
That godless, sexless wall.
Worse.
Fort Brad.
This candy-ass lieutenant has
got it out for me all the time.
I despise lieutenants.
So I says to the fucking MP's
"So someone steals
a fucking TV set.
"I know nothing
about no fucking TV set, sir.
"Maybe the fucking lieutenant,
fucking planted the fucking TV
in my fucking room, sir."
Guess who ends up spending 60
days in the fucking stockade?
Your country betrayed you.
Oh! That just gets
my blood to boiling.
I've a good mind to write
the commander-in-chief
and believe you me,
I can find out who that is, too.
I wish there was something I
could do as an American citizen.
[instrumental music]
Something to help
you forget your pain.
What do have in mind?
Seeing my autographed picture
of Sunny Bono
would brighten your day.
I keep it hanging above my bed.
Yeah.
It says
"Claire, I got you, babe."
Let there be light!
[upbeat music]
Wow!
So like a cat house
in Lynchburg.
Meow.
Meow?
Grr!
Oh!
I get it.
You come over here.
You sit right by me.
You big old angel baby.
[music continues]
So, uh..
Should I, you know. Take off
my clothes, that kinda thing?
Yeah, let's be savages.
[music continues]
* I wanna snuggle *
* I want you now and *
* That's the love *
* Let's make love *
* If it's Candy you want *
* I'll give you my lips *
* If it's ice-cream
that you need *
Oh.
Ah-h!
- Hmm.
- Ugh!
* Listen up now, baby *
* I'm tired out now *
* Might make me
do, do, do, do *
Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
- Ruff!
- Ruff!
Grr..
Meow! Meow! Meow!
Meow! Meow! Meow!
Meow! Meow! Meow!
Meow! Meow! Meow!
[rhythmic thudding]
[speaking in Spanish]
(Joe)
'Grr.'
'Woof! Woof! Woof!'
[thudding]
[snarling]
[snarling continues]
[thudding]
[speaking in Spanish]
Woof! Woof!
Woof! Woof!
[speaking in Spanish]
[screaming]
Nice mattress.
[gulp]
Hello, Mr. Beamer.
Have a nice day.
Mama, I home from school.
Time to get up.
Mama?
Mrs. Crow wanna get
an appointment with you.
[doorbell rings]
Mama, there's
someone at the door.
Who is it?
'Squeaky frog.
Charlie sent me.'
It's Teresa!
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
Mwah.
Mwah.
- Say hi to Carl.
- Hi, Carl.
That's alright.
Where's your mother, hon?
What you got?
You got your face on a picture!
Yes, honey.
I had my portrait
taken in Montgomery Wards.
I'm giving my bonus
print to your mother.
Wow!
Mama, look.
Teresa brought us a present.
Hello, Teresa.
Oh, Teresa. It's lovely.
The photographer said I look
just like a young Pam Dawber.
What do you think?
Mama? Mama?
- Thank you, Teresa.
- You're welcome, Teresa.
Mama, can I put some
of your candies in my cake.
Sure, honey.
Do whatever you want.
Thank you.
Well, you look like you've been
worked by the national guard.
- Does it show?
- Only if I keep my eyes open.
Baby, what are you doing?
I'm making a rum cake
surprise for my teacher.
Well, don't make a mess.
So, tell-tell.
Anyone I know?
Come on, what
are you waiting for?
Oh, sorry.
Hello, Ms. Tremaine.
Hello, there.
- Sexy boy.
- Teresa.
Yeah, well. Listen,
I still got some time left.
Yes. Well, we'll discuss
my drains later.
I hope you are available
tomorrow morning.
I'd like you to snake my tub.
Yeah. Well, uh.
Alright. You know..
I just close my eyes
and pretend he's bigfoot.
Sounds like my new boyfriend.
Rafael.
Rafael?
R-R-Rafael.
Midnight, dawn,
the express line.
Just the low hum
of the freezer lockers
and the boys slapping cellophane
on a day old hamburger.
He was a dollar short.
And had a dragon tattooed on the
biggest bicep I had ever seen.
Mmm.
So, I said.
Honey, marry me and I'll pay
for those Vienna sausages.
Oh, oh, oh.
[indistinct chatter]
Two spoon yellow candy.
And then I said.
Slap me, so I know
I'm not dreaming.
And Claire, he almost did.
Ah-h, Teresa!
He sounds too good to be true.
Half a cup pink candy.
(Claire)
'Oh, Teresa.
I wanna hear more.'
- 'Why don't you stay?'
- Oh, honey. I'd love to.
But I promised Rafael
that we'd dine at the Sizzler.
[speaking in Spanish]
[speaking in Spanish]
Speak of El Diablo.
[speaking in Spanish]
Okay, okay.
I'm coming.
Claire.
I tell you, if immigration
doesn't catch him.
I'm going to live
happily ever after.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, Teresa!
So, did you give the pretty
note to your teacher?
Yes, I said
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I over sleep out this morning."
What did she say?
She said, she's gonna call you
here at 6 o'clock sharp.
'And she said,
you better take her call.'
'Or she'll file a report.'
A report?
Yeah, she's gonna file a report
to social studies.
So, then what happened?
So then, lunch time was over.
And Mrs. Crow let
me feed the fish.
And then, Mrs. Crow said
she's gonna
make everyone sing
happy birthday
to me, even Pam.
You got a birthday
coming up, Baby?
Yeah, November the tenth.
'Are you sure?'
You are really growing up, Baby.
I remember when
I used to pick a day
and say,
it's your birthday today.
And I'd let you pick out
any TV show you wanted.
[telephone ringing]
And you'd always
pick my favorite.
[telephone ringing]
So, what TV show you
gonna watch this year?
HBO's playing
Planet of the Apes.
Mama, the phone is ringing.
Yeah, mama.
It's really ringing.
It's Mrs. Crow calling for you.
What? You answer it.
But mama, it's my teacher.
No, you answer it.
And you tell her, I'm not here.
Hello?
Hello, Mrs. Crow.
Hello, Baby.
Is your mother at home?
No, my mama's not home.
Tell her, I'm rolling bandages
for the Red Cross.
What?
The Red Cross.
She's rolling
around with the Red Cross.
Really?
Baby?
Could I come and pay
you a visit tomorrow?
Uh-uh, my mama always says
if she ever finds a teacher
in our house
she's gonna spank them until
they screaming for an ambulance.
[laughing]
Would Carl allow teachers
to come visit him?
I don't know.
You want to ask him?
Hello?
Yes, Mrs. Crow, this is Carl.
Yes, you can come
over to my house.
You can come over
to my house tomorrow.
Baby!
Bye.
Uh-oh!
[upbeat music]
Mama?
Mama?
Mama? Mama?
Can I go up on the roof
and feed my birds?
Sure, Baby. Sure.
But first, could you
get your mama a cocktail?
Okay.
Got you!
You little flying shit machine.
Ah-ha!
Get outta here.
Sons of bitches.
Got you!
Janitor Joe,
what are you doing?
What are you doing up here?
I'm feeding my birds.
- You're feeding them?
- Yes.
What do you got in the bag?
- Bag?
- Yeah.
I, uh, found some of your birds.
It must have got
washed or something, uh?
'There, you see.'
You saved my birds.
'Aww!'
Yeah.
Well.
His name is Wendy.
'You can hold him.'
Okay.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
You ain't so stupid,
after all, huh?
Free food.
A roof to shit on.
[dramatic music]
Mama!
That's for your arm smell.
Honey, here.
Take this note and put
it down the trash chute.
Okay, good.
Here.
[instrumental music]
"Dearest, darling, Joe.
"Unfortunately
"I must cancel
"our love-feast this morning.
'"Because Baby
has gotten herself into'
'"terrible trouble
with her teacher'
"at school.
"I shall try to be strong.
"In the jaws of hell.
'"Your love slave.'
'"Claire Vin Blance.'
"P.S.
"Joe plus Claire
equals wow."
- What time is she coming?
- 10 o'clock.
10 o'clock?
Why in the God damn hell do you
have get up so God damn early?
[knock on door]
Wait, wait, wait.
[door bell rings]
- Okay?
- Wait, wait, wait.
[knock on door]
Jesus. Wait, wait.
[doorbell ringing]
Okay.
Mama, it's Janitor Joe.
Joe. Joe.
I'm expecting company.
If you think, I'm gonna sit
around and let some teacher
mess around with you
and the little princess.
Well, then you don't
know Joe Magneson.
Joe.
There's nothing you can do.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I happen
to be 100% man, peaches.
It's rum cake surprise.
Joe, get out.
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
You cannot help me.
Oh, yeah?
Well, that's what you think.
I was in high school,
this one time.
And this teacher is riding
my ass the whole time.
So, one day.
He's accusing me of burning
up the school bulletin board.
You know?
So I flip him off.
And he clamps me
up against my locker.
And so, I says to him, I says
"Hey, you fuck faced geek.
Leave me the fuck alone
or I'll call the fucking cops."
Joe, look.
- I appreciate you trying--
- This is good!
I made it myself with
mama's special candy.
Joe..
[Joe grunting]
Mama's special candies?
Wha-what, from
the medicine chest?
Oh, Jesus. How much
did you put in, Baby?
Three tablespoons yellow candy,
half cup pink candy.
A half a cup
of 20 milligram valium.
Jesus, God! Joe!
Wake up!
[knock on door]
It's Mrs. Crow from
Thurgood Marshall Elementary.
Oh, Jesus.
[knocking continues]
Baby, Baby, Baby.
One moment please.
[knocking continues]
- Okay. One moment, please.
- Another moment, please.
It's Mrs. Crow.
Baby, Baby.
Get me some pillows.
[doorbell ringing]
- One moment, please.
- Another moment, more moments.
Okay.
- Is that good?
- That's good.
- One moment, please.
- Come on. I'm coming.
Baby, Baby.
Open the windows.
It looks like
a mausoleum in here.
[doorbell ringing]
Now, Mrs. Crow can
see the dead pigeon
which smacked itself
into the window.
(Claire)
'Baby, get the door.'
[knocking continues]
[doorbell ringing]
Okay.
Good morning, Baby.
My teacher's in my house.
My teacher's in my house.
Mrs. Crow, come.
See the pigeon.
He's dead.
Baby!
I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Crow.
I'm, Claire Vin Blance,
Baby's mother.
I was just finishing
my morning reading session.
Well, won't you sit down?
(both screaming)
No!
No, let's sit over here.
I'm afraid that couch
has seen better days.
There.
Well...I'm going to make us
all a nice hot breakfast
which I do every morning.
And you just ramble on
about whatever it is you want.
I'm not hungry, and I'd like
to get straight to the point.
Certainly.
Baby is not living up
to her potential.
Uh-oh.
Although she's
a warm and sharing child
who excels at rhythm band.
'That's enough.'
I am extremely concerned
about her poor performance
in reading, writing.
Not to mention, arithmetic.
'Education is her only
way out of this gutter.'
There are very few
jobs that require
excellence in rhythm band.
Uh, have you ever heard
of "The Solid Gold Dancers"?
I think they make a little
more money than teachers.
[locks clicking]
Baby's birth certificate lists
the last name as "Bump".
"Baby Bump"?
That's right.
Vin Blance
is my theatrical name.
Yeah, and at Halloween time,
she's big hobo, and little hobo.
'Uh..'
...do you and your husband have
any pet names for each other?
My husband's been dead
for ten years.
I'm sorry. Suicide?
Ms. Bump, may I speak
to you alone?
Certainly.
Baby.
Now, I want you
to go to your room
and memorize 12 times
everything up to six hundred.
- Okay.
- I'll quiz you later.
Ms. Bump..
...you don't fool me
for a second.
And now that I've seen the
disreputable living conditions.
Look at this couch.
I have no other choice than to
report you to social services.
What? Because of a couch?
With my recommendation,
social services will have
the child removed
to a foster home immediately.
Removed?
What?
Mrs. Crow, I fully intend to do
a complete spring cleaning
and I'll get a new couch.
My, what a pretty outfit.
And when do you plan on having
this spring cleaning completed?
December.
By Saturday.
And it better be good.
Because if I get
her out of here..
...I'll see to it,
she never comes back.
What are you talking about?
If I can find Baby's
natural father
I could place her
with him permanently.
What makes you think
Baby has a natural father?
Go on..
In between
theatrical engagements..
...I was a receptionist at a
sperm bank called "Hope on Ice".
I was working there when the
San Fernando Earthquake hit.
14 donors died
on the job that day
including our champion
wackman, Harlem Jewel.
'I was luckier.'
I was trapped in the freezer
where the specimens where kept.
Broken vials everywhere.
For three days, I was hip
deep in a river of white.
Shall I draw you a picture?
No.
So you see
Baby could literally
have hundreds of fathers.
I think you'll notice on
this certificate under father
it says,
"List available on request".
And that's exactly what I did.
(Claire)
'So you-you-you--'
(Crow)
'Yes, I did.
And let me tell you, Ms. Bump.'
'I'll do anything
to get that poor little girl'
'out of this pig pen.'
(Claire)
'I'd be careful about throwing
around the word "pig".'
'That does it!'
'I'll make it a personal goal to
take that child away from you.'
(Claire)
'What do you know
about raising a child?'
Do you know what it is
to take care of a child?
Mama.
I think..
Baby..
Baby, please.
Please.
I love, Baby.
You can't take her away from me.
Ms. Bump, loving a child
and raising a child
are two different things.
(Mrs. Crow)
'She needs a father.
Someone with a job.'
Goodbye, Baby.
I'll seen you on Monday.
And Ms. Bump..
...make sure she gets
to school on time!
Yes...yes...I will.
I'll make sure she gets
to school on time.
Even if I have to get up myself.
Well, you really helped,
didn't you?
Joe Magneson,
man of the hour!
You've really gone
and done it, Janitor Joe.
Mama's gonna spank you
with a pancake turner
'then you gonna be sorry.'
No TV for you tonight.
Are you gonna go live with
the fosters at their home?
Baby...no.
No.
If Harlem Jewel were here,
he would know what to do.
[doorbell ringing]
Who is it?
(Teresa)
Someone who's gonna
rape and kill you!
It's Teresa.
Honey.
If that woman I saw blowing out
the front door is Baby's teacher
we're gonna have to send her to
school with a cross in her hand
and a garlic necklace.
So, how'd it go?
It was a complete disaster.
Joe ruined everything.
He's gonna get a spanking
he's never gonna forget.
He passed out on the couch, we
had to cover him with a blanket.
And Mrs. Crow, almost sat
her big butt on his head.
- Dear..
- Teresa.
She's trying to take
my little angel away from me.
She said I have
to have a new couch.
I have to have this place
clean like a hospital.
I guess, I'll just have
to kill myself.
- 'No, mama, no.'
- Now, Baby, honey.
Your mother and I
need to talk.
No, mama, no, ma.
Why don't you go to your room
for a little while and color.
Baby, be careful.
Now, Claire, calm down.
We'll just clean this place up.
Okay?
No, she's not gonna stop there.
She say's I have
to have a husband.
One with a job.
Well..
...he's had a steady job
for almost three weeks now.
Joe?
Look, honey,
you're the natural mother.
There's no way in hell
she can take Baby away from you
if you're married.
I'd say, the only thing
you have to worry about
'is getting a new couch.'
Teresa..
...I have had my eye
on a beautiful
peach love sofa
in the Sears catalogue.
It looks just like something
Marie Antoinette would've owned.
And how you're gonna
get this showpiece?
[snapping fingers]
I got this old
Sears credit card.
Yes, there it is. They tried
to take it away from me.
But I wouldn't let 'em have it.
Honey.
You use this,
you'll end up in county jail.
[phone ringing]
Vin Blance residence.
Oh, it's Nathan Flowers
and I'm calling you
from the laundry room.
Oh, it's you.
It's Nathan Flowers.
I'm sorry to disturb you--
I thought I told you
to lose my number.
Look, is Ms. Tremaine up there?
She's been hogging the dryers.
It's over two hours now,
and it's just not fair.
No, it's not fair.
I'd be happy to kill myself.
- What did she say?
- You heard her.
I am gonna have to report you
to the landlord.
Yeah, why don't you report
us to the landlord.
We're running scared up here.
I despise that weasel.
You don't have to live
next door to him.
Every time I put on a
Barbra Streisand album
he starts banging
on the wall.
So, I just put on
"Don't Rain On My Parade"
and I sing as loud as I can.
Good.
I cringe when I see him
come home from work.
Looking like, like a mortician,
that awful blue suit.
With his little,
his little Sears...namepad.
Sears?
Teresa.
- Teresa.
- Claire.
No, Teresa, woah,
woah, woah, Teresa.
Claire.
Claire, what are you
going to do now?
Teresa..
...on your way home tonight
would you mind just
slippin' a little note
under Mr. Flower's door?
[instrumental music]
Bye-bye.
Thank, thank you!
Mama?
Wake up, I home from school!
And what did you do
in school today?
I didn't go to no school today.
But why didn't you
go to no school?
Because R.J.
don't got enough gas.
And then we were going
to the price bar
and they was playing pool.
Baby, what are you
doing home so late?
R.J. says what
does he look like?
The Unified School
District Licenser?
And he's not going
to do it no more
unless you give him more money.
Well, I don't have time
for R.J.'s crap today.
Mr. Flowers is gonna
be here any minute.
[doorbell ringing]
- That's him.
- That's him?
Baby, get the door.
- Are you Mr. Flowers?
- Yes.
I'd seen you before
in the lobby.
- Is your mother at home?
- Yes.
You can, you can sit here
with me on the couch.
[jar tinkling]
These are my rocks.
You can hold them.
- Oh...rocks.
- Yes.
These are my bugs.
You can hold them.
- Bugs?
- 'Yes'.
Would you like me to read
to you from my book?
Shouldn't we outta wait
until your mama comes out--
Peter Piper packed
a pack of pickled peppers.
A pack of pickled peppers
Peter Piper picked.
'Peter Piper packed
a pack of pickled peppers.'
Nathan Flowers.
Mama! I'm reading
to Mr. Flowers from my book.
Well, it was just so charming
of you to accept my invitation.
Can I get you
a cocktail before dinner?
Oh, no, thank you.
[Baby screaming]
I don't drink.
But you go ahead. I don't mind.
Oh, well, no. I only keep
it on hand in case of company.
Praise the Lord.
It's only poison.
Yes, well.
Oh, wait a minute, Baby..
Baby, why don't you go over
to Mrs. Alvarez's
and borrow some
instant coffee and some High-C.
Alright.
Nathan.
Nathan.
I've been dying to get to know
you better for such a long time.
That's why I hoped you did
accept my little invitation.
Well, we have had our
differences in the past, I know.
Let's let bygones be bygones.
Oh, thank you.
Uh...somethin' sure smells
awful good around here.
Oh, I'd hoped you'd like it.
It's called Campbell's Stew.
Well, if it tastes just
half as good as it smells.
Oh, it's a very
simple recipe, um..
..you take
a package of wieners
then cut the wieners
into one inch slices.
Set the wieners aside.
Next, open a can
of pork and beans.
I prefer Campbell's.
A can of corn.
Drain, then combine
the ingredients.
Then let them simmer
for five or ten minutes.
And viola!
Campbell's stew.
My goodness.
Who says you have to spend
a lot of money
at the house of pies,
to get a good meal.
And you know what
the best thing about it is?
It's even better the next day.
You know what,
if you want
I could just wrap up
the leftovers
and you could take it
with you to work.
Wherever that might be.
- Sears
- Sears?
Sears and Roebuck?
Oh, my goodness!
That store has everything.
Why, that is our slogan.
[laughing]
Yeah, I am the supervisor
in the credit department.
[both laughing]
Aren't you somethin',
you sly dog, you.
Why, Nathan,
that kind of job
calls for a
very intellectual kinda man.
[door opening]
Mrs. Alvarez says,
"What does she look like?
The Welfare League?"
And when are you gonna pay her
back for all the booze
you're always loaning
off of her.
Baby. Baby.
Go set the table.
Mrs. Alvarez drinks.
Mama! Mama!
That stove is burning up.
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, well.
Oh, that's good.
I'll be careful not to scrape
from the bottom.
Okay, everybody,
dinner's served.
There.
Okay.
- Let's eat.
- Claire.
Would you do the honor
of saying grace.
Grace?
Please.
Sure, why not?
Baby.
Our father, the Virgin Mary
and all you
holy blessed saints
give us, the Lord,
which we are about to eat
and we thank him
for this food.
Ave, ave Maria.
Amen.
And may I offer a prayer
up to you, O Lord.
For our dear sister, Claire.
Who has worked so
very hard on this meal
which we are about
to offer up to you.
We are all your unworthy
servants, but we try.
Dear...sweet...blessed Jesus.
That we may walk
in your holy light.
And that we might be amongst
those chosen to ride up
to your loving bosom.
In your blazing chariot,
on the day that you rose
like you did in the temple.
With your mighty
sword of justice
to slay the wicked.
Amen!
Yes, Jesus, yes!
Slay everybody in Hollywood.
Especially the manager
of the 7/11 on Ivar.
Amen to that.
Let's eat!
[doorbell ringing]
- Someone's at the door.
- Excuse me, Nathan.
It's Janitor Joe.
Well, I don't believe I put
in a call for maintenance.
Well, I just thought
that we could get together.
Oh, what on earth for?
Are you a handyman..?
What, what is he doin' here?
See here, Magneson.
I hardly think
the lady's affairs
are any of your business.
And I, I'm sure our landlord
Harry Bagdaserian,
wouldn't think so, either.
Oh, yeah...you little termite.
Oh, of all the impudence.
I will have you fired for this.
Help! Help!
Don't hurt him.
(Joe)
'What do you care?'
[knocking on cupboard door]
So, now it's the handyman, huh?
Magneson!
[knocking continues]
- Joe, I can explain this.
- Handyman?
Let me out of here
What happened to that
angel baby?
What happened to
"I'll be Peaches, you be Herb"?
Claire!
Joe...Mr. Flowers is gonna
help me get a new couch.
So, naturally I have to--
So naturally, you're gonna
show him that picture
you got hanging over your bed.
Help!
You're a liar, Claire.
You lied to me,
and you used me.
You can just keep those
goddamn boxers shorts
if you think they smell so good!
[knocking continues]
(Nathan)
'Help!'
Oh, Nathan.
Oh, Nathan,
I'm-I'm so sorry.
Well, come and sit down.
That Philistine..
That Goliath!
Dear Lord, loose a plague
of locusts upon him.
Send in an angel of death.
Well...I'll write a little
note to the landlord.
- Harry Bagdaserian?
- Yes.
The angel of death?
I'll have that
impudent scoundrel fired.
No, no..
Nathan, you can't,
he'd lose his job.
Janitor Joe loves mama.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes.
Oh, no..
Dear, sister Claire.
Oh, this is much,
much worse than I thought.
Dear God...give me the strength.
Until that Philistine
is purged from this building
I will not leave
this woman's side.
That won't be necessary.
Oh, not at night, of course.
And I do have to go to work.
But aside from that, I will be
the guard at your gate.
A soldier.
A soldier of God.
Nothing can sway my resolve.
Amen to that.
"Dearest, darling, Joe."
"Can I dare hope
that you will forgive me
"after I have hurt you so,
my poor wounded dove.
'"Can I dare hope
that one day soon
'"we will be married?'
"Please say yes,
and then read on.
Yes...I will marry you.
"Now, we must endure
a terrible separation.
"of a week or so.
"Oh, my beloved
for I must get a couch.
"Be strong, my brave Indian.
"For a week shall seem
like four or five days.
"Sincerely. And with every
dripping ounce of my love
Claire Vin Blance."
[sobbing]
Claire.
And taking him aside
from the crowd
Jesus put his fingers
inside the man's ears.
And spitting,
he touched his tongue.
Then, he looked up to heaven..
...sighed, and cried Ephphatha.
That is..."Be thou open".
What a pretty prayer.
Who wrote that one?
Well, that was
the apostle Mark.
Mark, Chapter seven,
verse 31.
I just adore Mark.
Um...what was that,
that Jesus said?
Ephphatha?
Be thou open.
Yes, that's it.
You know, I just
find it fascinating
when people are open
with each other
especially about God and all
that junk, don't you think so?
It is so important.
Do you think that God
would strike me dead
if I prayed
for something for Baby?
Well, I can't see why.
I'm so glad you said that.
You see, Baby's been
asking for a peach love sofa
for her birthday and..
(Claire)
'...I'm a little short of cash.'
Peach love sofa.
That child told me if she could
only she have a peach colored
love sofa, she'd devote the rest
of her life to God.
A peach love sofa.
Oh, darn it, Claire.
The Lord...he sure works
in mysterious ways.
Because Sears has one
of them in the catalogue.
Praise Jesus!
You're kidding.
No.
Oh, dear Lord
please make a peach
colored love sofa jump right out
of this catalogue and into
my living room by Saturday.
Hala-hala-hala.
I'm a countin' on you, Lord.
I'm a countin' on America.
Claire, I would like to make
that miracle happen for you.
Oh, Nathan, you're not God.
You're only the supervisor
of the credit department of..
That's right, Claire.
Sears!
Nathan, I would be honored to
accept a credit card from you.
And I would be honored to accept
a credit application from you.
But Claire..
You need to score 100 points.
And as a single,
non working mother
I don't see how you can
score much more than ten..
What I'm trying
to say, Claire, is..
...the wife of
a credit supervisor
could score 100 points.
Maybe more.
- The wife?
- I know it's awful sudden.
But ever since I first met you..
Darn it, Claire, I think
I'm in love with you.
Will you marry me?
Well, woah, the marriage,
that's a big step.
There's gotta be an easier way
to make a miracle happen here.
How about if we just
kinda swap miracles.
- I burn for you, Claire.
- Uh-uh-uh!
I will buy you that sofa
as an engagement present.
- By Saturday?
- I swear on the Bible.
Alright, Nathan, we're engaged.
But you can't tell anybody.
Joe will foam at the mouth.
Oh, I promise.
But you don't have
to worry about that libertine
Bagdaserian promised me
that he would him his papers.
What?
Claire...Claire,
I think I'm gonna cry.
You've made me so happy.
- You made me happy too.
- No, I don't deserve this.
Yes, you do.
Oh, you've made
me so happy.
I'm happy too.
I'm really, truly happy.
I'm happier than I've ever
been in my entire life.
[drilling]
Baby, stay in the room.
[drilling continues]
Joe, what the hell
are you doing?
I love you!
So you drink a gallon of scotch
and bore holes through my door.
Lord, they ought to write
a song about this.
That's right.
* I'm drilling a hole
through your door *
* I'm drilling a hole
through your door *
* You never let me in.. **
Joe...I thought I told you
not to step foot
in my apartment for a week.
Well..I just couldn't keep away.
I mean, I've never met
anybody like you before.
You got class.
You got class up the butt!
I got you a little present.
(Claire)
'What?'
"Musical door chimes.
"Every time someone
comes through your door
love will fill your home."
Twelve bucks.
[door chimes chiming]
That's very sweet, Joe.
Nothing, but the best..
...for my wife.
Uh, Joe, woah, woah,
Joe, Joe.
Joe, there's something
I gotta tell you here.
Come...come here. I don't know
how I'm gonna explain this.
I was gonna tell you
in a little note.
Peaches, I read every
goddamn note you ever wrote.
[laughing]
Yeah, well, good. I'm glad
to see you in such a good mood.
I always said,
you're the kinda guy
who can roll with the punches.
It's over.
Over?
What do you mean it's over?
I'm engaged to Nathan Flowers.
Nathan?
No. No-no, you-you're
engaged to me. I love you.
Well, sometimes
love ain't enough.
So, that's it?
You're just gonna throw me out
like some mangy dog?
No, Joe, I'm sorry.
Oh, you're sorry?
No-no. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm gonna splatter my
brains all over your apartment.
[drill whirring]
Joe, for Heaven sakes!
[crying]
You think I'm just a punk.
Some little cockroach
you can squash
with your high fuckin' heels.
Joe, you are not
a cockroach, alright?
Or maybe I am.
But did you ever just squash
part of a cockroach, Claire?
The other half
can go on living.
The other half could go
crawling across your hand
when you're not looking.
Its guts all
hanging out of its back.
That's just what
I'm gonna be, Claire.
I'm gonna be
the other half of a cockroach
who'd come crawling
across your face
when you least expect it
'cause this cockroach
hates your fucking guts.
Ugh! Ugh-ugh-ugh!
[melancholic music]
Magnuson.
Get your stuff and get out.
- What?
- I said get out. You're fired.
[laughing]
- Fired?
- You heard me.
Yeah, janitor, get out.
Get your stuff and get out.
Ok, look, Mr. Bagdasarisa
I know what
you're thinking. Look.
I'll give you back
the light bulbs, okay.
Keep the damn light bulbs,
alright.
I got enough trouble
without you screwing around
that broad in 4-F.
Oh, and there is your check
minus rest of the day.
(Baby)
'Mama, how come you're
reading phone numbers'
'from my friends at school.'
(Claire)
'No reason.'
You're talking
to Pam Stain's mama?
That's right.
Pam Stain told me she's
going to get a slumber party
and Rainbow Smiles
is coming over
and she's not inviting me.
Well, that little bitch!
Who is Rainbow Smiles?
He is the clown on TV
that rides the pony.
And I told Pam Stain that
Rainbow Smiles is not coming
to her party
'cause Rainbow Smiles
only likes little girls
that's nice.
Baby, how would you
like to pick out a present
for your birthday?
- Planet Of The Apes.
- No. A real present.
Some fish.
Fish are nothing more than
our bowels floatin' around
in dirty water.
Pick somethin' else.
Some lipstick.
Shoot for the stars, Baby.
Alright, an elephant.
Well, that ain't gonna happen.
Here. You get to pick
anything you want
from this catalog.
Ah, look. From this page.
- This one.
- No, not that one.
- This one?
- A love sofa?
- Yes.
- Good.
Now, look, you even
get to pick the color.
- Baby, did you notice a peach?
- Peach!
- Peach.
- Peach.
- Peach.
- Peach.
Oh, baby, you should've been
an interior decorator.
Well, honey, if you want
a peach colored love sofa..
Yes!
- For you..
- Yes.
If you want
a peach colored love sofa
that's what you're gonna get.
And-and-and pom-pom?
Oh, now, don't be greedy, Baby.
That's unbecoming.
Fuckin' crazy bitch.
Got me fired.
I don't need this fuckin' job.
Hope On Ice Sperm Bank.
"According to our records you
could be the possible father."
Baby bump!
I could be
the princess' old man?
Hey, Claire!
This bug ain't dead yet.
I got you, babe.
[evil laugh]
"And after he said these things
he spat upon the ground
"and made clay
with the spiddle.
'"And he spread it
over his ass and said'
'"Go, wash thee
in the Pool of Siloam."'
He spat on him and then
he's takin' a bath?
Nathan, can't you find one
chapter where he's not spittin'
or sticking his fingers
in somebody's ears?
I-I'm sorry.
Well, we don't want Baby
pickin' up bad habits.
[doorbell rings]
- Who is it?
- 'Might be a hit-woman.'
Oh, boy!
It's Teresa.
Mama, look. It's Teresa.
Hello, Ms. Tremaine.
No one shouting hallelujah
right now, so, relax.
Honey, I got us
a clown for the party.
- What?
- Hallelujah!
Praise Jesus.
Praise me. The girlfriend
of mine does clowns.
What? What?
Honey, you got this place
lookin' pretty good.
Mama's been
working like a slave.
Oh! That she does
every day of her life, sugar.
Now, I got to run and pick up
Rafael from traffic school.
He ran his Gran Torino straight
through an AM/PM Mini Mart.
- Sweet Jesus!
- That's what Rafael said..
...when I grabbed his crotch
and he hit the gas.
Goodbye, girls.
- 'Buh-bye, Teresa.'
- 'Bye, Teresa.'
Now, uh, how about
a little something from Luke?
I love Luke.
Uh, yeah well, at that time..
"there was a certain poor man
named Lazarus who lay
"at a rich man's gate.
"He was covered in sores
And they had puss coming out
of them and they were scabbies.
- What?
- No. Um, well, um, let me see.
- Lepers, no.
- Oh, I love lepers.
No, Nathan.
"Of course, my main concern
is for the child's welfare."
Well, yeah. Me too.
You aren't exactly what
I had in mind, Mr. Magnuson
but unfortunately I had only
one response to my letter.
Well, most guys who
whack off professionally
take their 25 bucks
and figure, "That's it."
I've spoken to Principal Tiptin
about your job situation.
'You'll be starting
on Monday helping out'
'with the custodial duties.'
No. I'm not gettin' up
at six o' clock in the morning
to hang around
with a hundred kids
screamin' like
a bunch of dying cats.
I'll see to it that you're
on the after-school shift.
Yeah, well, you do that.
And maybe princess
can do some of the work.
Yes. Well, there's just
one problem.
What? Haircut?
No, Mr. Magnuson.
You're not married.
[indistinct]
you gonna give
onyour birthday today.
[squeaky]
I'm gonna sit here
in my baby bed
'and not get messed up'
and I'm not gonna expect
nothing special.
[doorbell rings]
Who is it?
- Hello, Ms. Tremaine.
- Hello, Moses.
Hello, Mr. Flowers. Praise thee,
you're getting well.
Hello, Baby. That is one heck of
a handsome sofa you have there.
Don't touch it.
That's my birthday present on
account of today is my birthday.
Oh, I had no idea!
Oh, it's you. Baby, come on. I
want to put you under the dryer.
I'm gonna get
the curlers off my head.
So, I'm gonna look
like an angel.
You look awful nice
today, Ms. Tremaine.
Thank you.
Well, I understand that
they had to fire that janitor.
- They?
- Hmm.
Well, aren't we just a little
Harper Valley hypocrite.
Nathan, get off the couch
for heaven's sake..
Here, you be in charge
of streamers and balloons.
Aye-aye, captain.
I don't wanna mess it up
before Mrs. Crow even sees it.
I'm sorry.
(Claire)
'Now, everything's
under control.'
Where is the god damn teacher?
[doorbell rings]
(female #1)
'It's Mrs. Crow
from the penitentiary'
Speak of the devil and she
shall ring your doorbell.
Oh, Mrs. Crow.
- How nice to see you again.
- Yes.
Won't you come in?
Uh, I don't think you've met
my dear friend Teresa Tremaine.
- I've heard so much about you.
- Oh, thank you.
Yes, well, Baby is
a fountain of information.
Perhaps, she told you
about Mr. Flowers.
(Mrs. Crow)
'No.'
It's my pleasure
to meet you, Mrs. Crow.
Claire has spoken
so very, very much about you.
Yes. Well, Mrs. Crow,
do you notice anything new?
I see you
got a new couch.
Come here
and sit by me.
Oh,
what a lovely hat.
Oh,
and a wrist corsage.
Yes, I just got back
from out of town.
It looks like everyone's here.
So, why don't we begin?
Yes, why don't we just
put the gaiety on hold
for a second
and I'll get Baby.
Now, I want you
to close your eyes
and don't open 'em
till I tell you.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Now, don't expect
nothing special.
I won't.
Okay.
Oh, this is
gonna look good.
[whispering]
Now, do exactly
what I told you.
(all)
'Surprise!'
My teacher's
in my house.
Yeah, it's
a surprise party, Baby.
You have made
surprise party for me?
- Yeah.
- That's right.
And you made my teacher
to be here for me?
- Yes.
- That's right.
And you puted up
colored papers for me?
- Yes, baby.
- It's a surprise party.
And you got
doritos for me?
- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, Baby.
- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.
Yay!
Look at you,
sweet doll.
Now, I want you to come over
here and sit next to Mrs. Crow.
Right over there.
That's good.
(Claire)
'Ah-ah-ah, put your feet
on the floor. Okay.'
Good. Nice.
What, Teresa?
We open the presents?
Teresa, where is the god damn
C-L-O-N with the C-A-K?
Don't worry,
honey.
Here. Open this,
it's from me.
A present for me?
What is it?
- Mama, look. Perfume.
- Ooh.
My...sin.
Mr. Flowers,
my sin.
This is from me, Baby.
I hope you like it.
What is it?
[whispering]
What is it?
Mama, look.
A fish.
Mrs. Crow
got me a fish.
Just what we need
around here. Fish.
Oh, I'm gonna
call her...Todd.
And I gonna be chattin'
her all the time.
Well, here, say thank you.
Make a pretty curtsy. Get up.
Thank you
for my present, Mrs. Crow.
Bye, Todd.
See you later, alligator.
Is there
anymore presents?
No, that's it
for now, Baby.
Teresa.
[doorbell rings]
I wonder who
that could be.
(all)
'Ooh!'
(Baby)
'Who is it?'
(Claire)
'Joe!'
Joe?
Magnuson, you are not welcome
at this celebration.
Joe, what the hell
are you doing here?
- He's with me.
- With you?
That's right,
peaches.
The bug is back.
Here, princess.
A present from me
and my wife.
- Your wife!
- That's right, peaches.
Me and Doddy just
got back from Vegas.
Got ourselves legally hitched.
How do you like that?
You make a beautiful couple.
All we've come to do is
claim what is rightfully mine.
Namely one certain
little princess.
Now, no no.
Say here, Magnuson--
And my name is on a list
that says I can do just that.
It's all legal like.
We only want
what's best for the child.
Mom, am I going
on a trip?
Over my rotting corpse.
Nathan, tell 'em.
Claire
and I are engaged.
- Really?
- That's right.
I'm the natural mother.
My apartment is clean.
I got a new couch
and I'm soon to be married
to a god fearing man. A god
damn pillar of the community.
Gee! And it seems
like only yesterday
that me and Claire
would play, "Ride the Bull."
- What?
- What!
Maybe, I should give him all
them love letters you wrote me?
Here, pal. I won't
be needing these anymore.
No. Nathan, give those letters
to me this instant.
Wait till hear
about the couch.
- Nathan.
- Couch?
If you love me, you
won't read those.
Claire,
I can't help myself.
"Every dripping ounce
of your love.."
"Perched upon
your throbbing.."
Claire,
you Judas...whore!
Especially whore.
Nathan, these letters,
look, are obvious forges--
Thou shalt not lie.
Thou has committed
adultery.
Thou has borne
false witness against me.
And satan co-operated.
Now, you're getting
melodramatic.
You'll marry
a plague of flies.
- Now, cut that out.
- A plague of frogs.
That's disgusting.
I'll send in plague
of boils on you, Claire.
Gods strike her dead.
Joe, get her things.
Baby, you're coming
with me and your father.
No, I don't want
to go anywhere. Mama, no.
- The child is mine.
- Oh, you let go of her.
Pull, Doddy.
[indistinct chattering]
[doorbell rings]
Happy birthday,
everyone.
It's me.
Rainbow Smiles.
And I've got an itch,
I can't scratch!
- Mama, look.
- Alright.
Alright, everybody. This is my
clown for my kid. So, back off.
You've got one minute.
- So, where's the birthday boy?
- It's me.
Well,
ain't you cute?
Here we go,
honey.
We're gonna
party all night.
* What you see
Is what you got **
[upbeat music]
Oh, watch out now.
That's my wife.
* Mm, yeah **
Look, there's Rainbow Smiles
dancing in my house.
* I want you doable *
Ow! Ow!
* And that room
is full of strangers *
Ah! Oh, Mama, look.
I got her glove.
Oh, Baby, that's good.
That's good dancing.
* And I'd keep her too busy *
Oh, my god!
Father, forgive her.
She knows not
what she's done.
She knows exactly
what she's doing.
[howling]
Mama, I riding a pony.
She loves it,
look at her.
Oh yeah, hell,
she doesn't know the difference.
- Oh.
- Oh.
[screaming]
- Oh.
- Thats' it. Enough!
Smiles, you were great. You were
just wonderful. Come on.
'Break time.'
How come you never come to our--
[screaming]
Help me!
- Claire!
- You need to pay me money.
Mama!
You went walking.
It's the big one.
Whore!
Somebody called
for a whore?
Run now!
(Claire)
'My baby!'
Now, give me my child.
The list say's that my husband
is one of Baby's fathers.
- Yeah.
- Gimme that list.
If Baby has to go with somebody,
I'll choose who the father is.
(Baby)
Mama..
Here...Harlem Jewel.
He's deceased.
He died in the earthquake.
They never found his body.
I'll search to the ends
of the earth till I find him.
He wasn't like you.
Harlem was kind,
he was sensitive.
Sometimes, when I'd pass
by his cubicle in the sperm bank
he'd be playing
a Barbra Streisand album and..
...if I listened real hard..
...I could hear it in him inside
softly crying.
(Teresa singing Memories)
* Memories *
* Like the corners
of my mind *
[all gasping]
Mama wh..
Baby! Baby, look!
It's Harlem.
Harlem, they said
you were dead.
They said he was dead.
Harlem is dead darlin'
When that sperm
bank caved in on me..
...I thought
I'd never get out alive.
But, I clawed
my way out..
...found a pair of heels
and I've never looked back.
I'm sorry
I never told you, Claire.
I knew you'd loved Harlem.
Everytime I came in,
I could see it in your eyes.
But, I didn't want
to be Harlem.
The day that
Harlem Jewel died..
...is the day,
Teresa Tarmay, was born.
This is outrageous!
And I shall continue
to live my life as I please.
And I choose to give, Baby
to somebody who'll love her.
Baby, come 'ere!
Harlem..
Teresa..
...take her
and take care of her.
He's not married.
But he will be.
Teresa's had an offer
of marriage from a man
- who-who speaks fluent spanish.
- A...Claire.
Ravio did propose
to me last night but..
...immigration paid me
a visit this morning.
He didn't love me,
he only wanted a green card.
- So, I said no.
- Ha!
Gimme that child!
Wait a minute, wait!
A minute!
Teresa..
...you and I would
make a good team.
Lesbians!
Lesbians?
Honey, I know a couple
of lesbians who would
love to beat
the shit out of you.
(Claire giggling)
Teresa...I would be proud
to be your wife.
And vice-versa.
Can-can me and Carl
be on the team too?
- Oh, Baby.
- Of, course, Baby.
You haven't seen
the last of me.
I told you
to clear out of here.
Yeah, clear out,
janitor.
And take that
dump truck with ya!
Come on you miserable worm.
[sighing]
Come on, let's get out of here.
- The movies almost startin'
- Oh, boy!
[intense music]
Lord, if I had the trials
and tribulations of living
on planet of the apes.
Well, girls...
I gotta get going.
Baby, I want you to make
sure your mother wakes up
early tomorrow morning.
'Cause we got a 10 'O clock
appointment at wedding world..
...and I just know we're gonna
fight just a little while
over that white wedding dress.
Well, goodbye, girls.
Muah. Muah.
- Goodbye, Teresa.
- Bye, Teresa.
Teresa's gonna
be our new daddy?
That's right.
Rainbow Smiles
catched her boyfriend.
Rainbow "caught"
a boyfriend.
Rainbow caught a boyfriend.
If you were like,
Zira the ape girl
you could catch yourself
a bunch of boyfriends.
But, they'd all
be apes, Baby.
Did you make a nice wish
when you blew out those candles.
Yes.
What did you wish for?
I wished for,
Todd to come back.
Yeah, it's a damn shame,
that fish is missing already.
It must have jumped
right out of the bag
and straight
into the toilet.
She must've.
Fish gotta
be free, Baby.
I know.
'So, did you wish
for anything else?'
You mean, you can get two?
Sometimes.
I also wished for pom-poms.
- Like these?
- Yes, Mama, yes!
Oh, pom-poms.
Oh, Mama, I love you more
than fish and more than pom-poms
- and more than everything.
- Oh.
And you lived happily
ever after, afterwards?
For the most part, yes.
Hi, Sweetie.
Mommy, it's,
Grandma and Grandma.
Here, sweetie. We brought you
a little birthday present.
Yes, we thought you might
like something nice.
What with your, Pa,
shooting himself and all.
A pom-pom outfit.
I had to pick it out myself.
Teresa was to busy
making love to the stock boy.
Oh, poo,
we just kissed, that's all.
Sweetie..
...sweetie, I want you to do
your mama one of them
- pom-pom dances.
- Get out on this floor.
You do me one of 'em
pom-pom cheers, come on.
A hundred and one.
Eleventy-two.
Three and four
and six and eight.
Oh, we gonna
be tear up 'em up.
What do you think
you're doing to us.
Nine and eight
and twelve and one.
We gonna fight.
We Indians, baby.
Oh, my heart's just
gonna bust wide open.
* Don't want nothing fancy *
* Don't need nothin' new *
* Nothing too expensive *
* Just a sinful life with you *
* Give me something borrowed *
* I'll buy you something blue *
* I'll trade this life
for sorrow *
* For a sinful life with you *
* Sinful Life *
* Sinful life with you *
* No promises of paradise *
* Just a sinful life with you *