A Simple Wedding (2019) - full transcript

So beautiful. Gorgeous!

Just like your Kamran.

He is the perfect match
for our Nousha.

Nousha?

Coming!

- Babe?
- Yeah.

- Hurry up. My mom's waiting.
- Yeah.

- Where are your shoes?
- Right here.

Okay, don't forget
to light the candles.

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay?

Yeah, I got you.



- All right.
- Yeah.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Future mother-in-law ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

- Noushi.
- Nousha.

- Nousha.
- Nousha.

We need to talk.

Yeah.

Uh, we...

I mean I think that...

You may not be the best fit
for our Kamran, okay?



- Oh.
- Are you breaking up with me?

Is your mother
breaking up with me?

We want the ring back.

Ohh...

Give it back.

Give it back.

These people are fake.

I love you.

She is freak.

Such a freak.

Come along.

Come on, come on.
Do you feel that burn?

Four, three.

Spooky girl in the back,

why you goin' so slow?

This isn't a yoga class.
Move those legs!

Who loves mommy?
Does Lulu love mommy?

What'd you say?

Did you just say Dartmouth?

She's a genius.

I can already tell
by her speech pattern.

Personally, I'm relieved
that it's all over.

How did I let it get that far?
Did I even love him?

No.

You sabotaged the entire thing.

You were dickmatized.

Explain yourself.
Come here.

You were in love
with his dick.

You only talked about
how great the sex was.

You never talked about anything

that you actually
liked about him

or anything that you guys
had in common.

Why did you guys
not tell me sooner?

Oh, God. We didn't wanna
interrupt your dickathalon.

Plus, Missy beloved him,

and you don't like
to disappoint Missy.

I mean, nobody does.

She convinced me
I was straight once.

Remember Michael?

Oh, my God.
I was doing him for my mom.

And you liked it.

It's my fault.

Actually,
it's your father's fault.

He let you be too American.

But it's not too late.
We can fix this.

- Hello.
- Oh, Ziba.

Hi, how are you?

Nousha, come.

Hi, Aunt Sousa.

Nousha, what happened to
that rock on your finger?

They weren't good enough.

I heard they were
filing for bankruptcy.

Mom!

He was impotent.

That's not true.
It didn't work out.

Oh, don't worry, Aziza.

Don't worry.
I have a son.

30 years old,
and he likes older women.

I wanna show the picture.
Look at that.

Look at the picture.

Here, here, look at that.

More, more.

Look at that one.
Look at this one.

- Wow.
- He's just like his father

in that department.

Look at that.

Look at that boy.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you okay?

So sorry, Noush.

- Hi.
- You okay?

Nousha, are you coming to
the rally tomorrow night?

Yas.

- Yas?
- Yes.

We need at least 100 people
there to get some press.

Babe, I'll be there.

You better be.

- Yeah.
- Hang in there, girl.

Lynne, does everybody
know my business?

Yeah. RJ, are you coming
to the rally tomorrow?

- Yeah.
- Okay, good.

You shared it on all of our
social media platforms, right?

It's been on Facebook,

and everybody has said
they were coming.

- There's like 100 people.
- I'll believe it when I see it.

Everyone's a Facebook activist.

When it comes to
actually showing up,

they'd rather go to happy hour.

Happy hour is more fun than
protesting sexual assault.

- Shut up, RJ.
- Okay, okay, enough, enough.

Did you get all the declarations
for the Jones' case?

Thank you.

I need your draft of the memo.

I'm 100% on it.

It's just that part of
the research was unclear,

so I had to verify
with co-counsel

and they're really slow
to respond.

I don't care.
Just figure it out today.

Actually, I was able
to get clarification.

- I finished the draft.
- Great.

I figured you had
so much on your plate.

I don't need you to do my job.
I was on it.

I heard you got dumped.

- Out of my office.
- Please show up for the rally.

- Do not leave me hanging.
- We're coming to your rally.

And just so you know,
I'm available.

- No.
- You sure?

I'll make sure you get
a gold medal at this...

dickathalon.

Lynne?

What's up, sweetie?

Did you tell
everybody my business?

I definitely did.
See you at the rally.

I'm sorry, are you all
still in my office?

I will think about it.

I can't sleep
until you get married.

I can probably get you
some Ambien.

I don't think
you tried hard enough.

What if I didn't really
like him, Mom?

You should try again.

You're running out of time,
you know?

She's a lesbian.

Maybe you should stop
hanging out with those girls.

Mom, get off my case, okay?

I need some time to find myself.

Oh, find yourself.

What do you mean,
find yourself?

There you are, I found you.
Now find a husband.

How has marriage even
survived as an institution?

Our values have totally shifted.

There's been radical
social upheaval,

gender equality,
female empowerment.

I have arranged for you
to go out

with Dr. Asad's son tomorrow.

- I can't tomorrow.
- He has a PhD.

It's Lynne's protest tomorrow,
Mom. I can't.

You go to protests
all the time.

What's wrong with you?

Are you a communist?

All lesbians are communists.

Careful.

Aren't they?

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

I can't believe this turnout.
I knew it.

I thought people
cared more than this.

Everybody's at happy hour.

Here, just maybe
this'll liven things up.

Hold this.
I hold every...

- Oh, ho!
- Yeah.

Way to challenge the male gays.

While I beat around that bush.

That is huge.

Hey, hey, ho, ho!
Patriarchy has got to go!

Oh, my God,
it's the Menstruals.

- Who are they?
- This old male feminist group.

I read about them on Buzzfeed.

They like show up and protest.

They're performance artists,
just doin' stuff like that.

Hi, guys.
Mind if we join?

We would love that.
How did you hear about this?

Are you kidding?
We're all huge followers

of Pussies Against Patriarchy.

That's my page.

Oh, cool.

Hi, I'm Alex.

- I'm Lynne.
- I'm Tessa.

I'm Nousha.

Hi, Nousha.
I love your penis.

Thanks.
Let's do this!

All right.

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, hey!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, Nousha, wait up.

Hey, do you wanna come with us

to the anti-oligarchy
rally downtown?

It'll be fun.

I can't, but thank you
for the invite.

Okay, I got a great shot
of you and your penis saved.

I could send it to you.

Yeah, sure. Here's my card.

There you go.

Oh, card.
That's really '90s.

Great, yeah.
Hit me up. Cool.

Okay, well, have fun.

- See ya.
- Okay.

Bye.

She's here.

Oh, hi, Nousha.
Look who came by for a visit.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi.

Why don't you get some tea
for our guests?

She's so cute.

Mom, can you
come in here, please?

Excuse me.

Of course.

What?

Tell 'em to leave.

Oh, my God.

You're killing me.

Unfortunately,
she's not feeling well.

So sorry.

Oh, hey there, Ms. Smiley.

That guy just texted me.

- Who?
- The guy.

Oh, yeah, I saw your little
moment with Menstrual white boy.

- Did you text him back?
- No.

Ask him out.

I don't even know him.

- Let's stalk.
- Yes.

Alex Talbot.

Talbot.

Okay.

Okay, according
to his Facebook interest

he's a feminist,
he's into conceptual art,

supporter of LGBT causes
and even deejays.

- This guy's awesome.
- But not husband material.

I'll never bring a guy
like that home.

My parents would freak out.

Plus, look at his pictures.
He's gay.

You don't know that.
Just message him.

- No.
- What is going on in here?

- No, no, no, no, no.
- That's what's happening.

No!

Oh!

Are you texting him
right now?

- I got you, girl.
- What are you typing?

Ding!
Looks like you got a date.

Back on the market.

I'm also
still on the market, so...

Hmm? Did you say something?

Okay, tell me
three things about you.

I grew up in Orange County,
but my parents are from Iran.

You know, that super peaceful
country in the Middle East.

- I've heard of it.
- Mm-hmm.

And... I don't know.

Something fun.

- I don't know.
- Okay, something like...

who's your favorite
celebrity crush?

David Hasselhoff.

Just like that?
Mine too.

Really?

What about you?

Okay, I'd never
tell anyone this.

- Celine Dion.
- You're joking.

Nope. She's smoking.
Ever since I was 12 years old,

I see her, I hear her,
I am rock hard.

Okay, that's super weird

because I do a killer
Celine Dion impersonation.

- No.
- Yes,

My mom was obsessed with her
when I was growing up,

so I would imitate her
to make my mom like me.

Okay, do it.

No way.
That's like second date

or like
way down the line later.

- Do it.
- No way.

Do it.

Mm-mm, absolutely not.

Do it, do it, do it,

and I will give you
all of my fries.

Every single one.

You are very lucky
I like fries.

Do it.

Okay, but close your eyes.

♪ There were nights
when the wind was so cold ♪

♪ That my body froze in bed ♪

♪ If I just listened to it ♪

♪ Right outside my window ♪

Oh, my God,
that's shockingly good.

Your turn.

I can't even think.
I'm so hard.

Three things, come on.

Okay, I am an artist,

I'm from California,

and...

my family is weird.

That's funny 'cause my family's
actually totally normal.

Can I have a bite?

Yeah, sure.

Why didn't you just order one?

I was trying to be ladylike.

Come on.

It's so good.

That guy is totally
checking you out.

Yeah, he's cute.

Oh!

You're gay.

No, I'm just not
totally straight.

So you're bisexual.

If you're into labels.

But you're attracted to men.

I'm attracted to you.

You said I could
have your fries.

Absolutely every single one.

So you can have
this rabbit food.

All for me?
I'm gonna eat your fries.

It's delicious.

It's a great neighborhood.

I like it.

How many more blocks?

Why do you wear heels like that?
You cripple your feet.

Take them off.

And walk barefoot?

Yeah.

I'll get foot cancer.

Okay, piggyback.

- Really?
- Hop on, yeah.

Okay.

- Only 10...
- This is great.

Ten more blocks.

Is this where you work?

And sleep.

Okay, what do you think of this?

I'm not gonna lie to you.
I don't know anything about art.

No, no, that's great.
What would your gut say?

It looks like a kindergarten
class project.

Okay, I really felt like
it was made by an adult.

No. You know, I really think
it was made by little hands.

I was going for
postmodern irony.

- Oh, you're the kindergartner.
- I'm the kindergartner.

What I meant to say is it looks
like it was made by a genius.

- Genius.
- Who is acutely in touch...

- With inner child.
- With his inner child.

Yeah, it's cool.
It's just my life's work.

- Come up here.
- No, thanks.

You have to see this one
from up here.

Can you just take a picture
and then send it to me?

It's safe.

Come on.

Ooh! This does not feel stable.

It's as stable
as my parents' marriage.

Great.

Come here. You see it?

Yeah.

Open your eyes.

I got you, I got you.
You see it?

Okay, so the objects represent
how thin and deflating

traditional notions
of masculinity are,

and the sports themselves,

they show us
the unnecessary aggression

with which man seeks to dominate
everything that he does.

And then the baseball...

Thanks for making
the first move.

You're welcome.

You're kinda taking
advantage of me.

I don't even know
your last name.

- It's Husseini.
- Husseini?

Yeah, like Saddam Hussein.

Oh, that's hot.
You're like a dictator.

Well, in high school,

they actually called me
Saddam Hussein

because I had a unibrow.

That's so cruel.

You wanna know what they
called me in high school?

Andy Warhol queer boy.

That's actually
kinda accurate.

You know what? You are
kinda like Saddam Hussein.

What time is it?

10:30.

See? She gives a whole new
meaning to CP time.

I don't know what that is.

Colored people time.

I don't think I'm allowed
to use that expression.

- Well!
- There she is.

- How did it go?
- Amazing, incredible.

He's the greatest person
that's ever lived. I love him.

So it went well.

Yes, but...

Oh, already she's starting
to pick him apart.

- He's just...
- Not Persian. He's not Persian.

He's never gonna fit
into my family.

He's this free-spirited artist
who's funny and gentle

and sensitive and progressive,

and I'm from
a family of fascists

who are gonna Mussolini him
outta my life

if they ever meet him.

Whoa, girl, slow down.

You didn't tell him
all that, did you?

Not exactly.

- He's also bisexual.
- Huh.

It's not a big deal.

No. I mean Tessa's bi.

I used to get really jealous
when men would look at her,

but then my therapist
helped me realize

that I'm not replaceable.

- No, you're not.
- I'm bi for David Beckham.

What?

I'm going to work.

You're so confusing.

- You don't look it.
- "Gay for David Beckham."

Thank you.

Thank you.

So who's your favorite
family member?

I don't really have one.

Come on, white man,
you gotta love someone.

Steven, my dad's husband.

Oh.

- So your parents...
- Are divorced.

- Huh.
- And my dad met a great guy.

What was that like?

Pretty fucked up.
How 'bout you?

- My grandma.
- Okay.

- She's my whole world.
- Aww.

My mom's gonna wanna drink
a bottle of the best tequila

with you until you have
to put her to bed.

That's amazing.

My mom's gonna wanna make
you feel super inadequate

in everything that you do
or will ever do.

She sounds great.

Fair warning,
my family is kinda nuts.

My family's nuts too,

but in an entirely
different way.

I mean,
we had to stick together

to make it through war
and immigration.

We're kinda like a tribe.

That's cool.

I've never felt like
part of a tribe.

It can be stifling.

We can be a tribe.

I will happily stifle you.

I wanna be part of your tribe
and be stifled.

What is it
that you do exactly?

I'm a housing attorney.

I litigate for low-income
tenants against big developers,

mostly hang out in this office
or in conference rooms.

Hey, Alex,
great to see you again.

We met at the rally.

- Hi.
- Hey, I'm Doris.

Nice to meet you.

- Pleasure.
- 'Sup!

Not much, bro.

These are my coworkers.

- Bye, guys.
- Okay, bye.

- Okay.
- Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Short and sweet.
- Bye.

Bye.

Do you wanna go
literally anywhere else?

- Sure, yeah.
- Anywhere else.

This is as exciting as it gets.

Are you kidding?
Your job's so cool.

Have I ever told you that
I always wanted to be an actor?

- Actor?
- Mm-hmm.

But my parents were immigrants,
and I couldn't do that to them.

You know, you actually look
amazing in this light.

Can we make out here?

Yes, but I don't want
the judge to see it.

I laugh in the face of danger.

Your job's so much cooler
than mine.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

Pretty dead though.

It's a quiet night.
Means we can play what we want.

So what's your
signature dance move?

I can only dance
to Persian music.

Eastern beats.

You got it.
Floor's yours.

- No.
- Come on.

- All right.
- Go on.

First, you take your basket,

and you plant
your seeds, okay?

- And then you take your hose...
- My hose?

- And you water your seed.
- Oh, I like that.

You water your seed.
All about the heat.

And then you feed
your seed to grow.

- That's sexy.
- Feed your seed to grow.

And now your trees have bloomed,

and you must harvest
the fruit, okay?

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- Serious question.
- Hmm.

Have you told
your parents about me?

Why would I ever do that?

Because I told my parents
about you.

- No, you haven't.
- Yeah, I have.

What'd you tell 'em?

I told them I met
this really rad girl.

Why haven't you told
your mom about me?

Don't you talk to her
like 21 times a day?

- Are you ashamed of me?
- No.

You're ashamed of me.

- They're just...
- Gimme that.

They're just really
into our culture.

I have to ease them into this.

I made something for you.

- What?
- Come see.

I'm way too high
to walk right now.

Come on, take the chips.

Wow.

That is some romantic shit.

It's Saddam Hussein
and Andy Warhol kissing.

I noticed.

- Hey.
- Mm.

Let's move in together.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- For real?
- Yup.

It's not too soon?

No.

Let's do it.

But we can't live here.

Why?

Your bathroom's outside.

Would you feel oppressed
if I asked you to do the dishes?

Yes, I would feel
very oppressed.

Would you feel oppressed

if I asked you
to take out the garbage?

Super-oppressive.
Wouldn't be able to handle it.

Thought so.

What if I locked you up,

tied you to the bed
and impregnated you?

That wouldn't be so bad.
I can do that.

I love you.

I love you.

- Let's do it again.
- We already did it twice.

Should I sing the song?

Yes.

Wig or no wig?

With the wig.

♪ Whispers in the morning ♪

- Oh, it's my mom.
- Oh, okay.

- No, I have to get it.
- No, stay down here.

I didn't answer the first.
She'll freak out.

Are you kidding?

- Video?
- Please hide, please.

Hide where?

Hi, Mom.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Can you see me?
- Yup, I see you, Mom.

Good. Now, do you
remember Fariba?

- Uh-huh.
- Do you remember her son?

- Yeah, sure.
- He has invited you to dinner.

What's that?
Is that a naked man?

- Babe!
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, did she see me?
- Is he naked?

What's a naked man
doing in your room?

At least now she knows.

Nousha! Nousha!

I'm so excited
to finally meet your family.

Just don't say anything.

You know, like if they
ask you something, eat.

- I have to reply.
- No, you don't.

No, just put something
in your mouth and chew.

You got this.
We got this.

This is amazing.

Thank you so much
for having me over.

Of course.

You're so welcome.

So far, so good.

Nousha tells us
you're a musical engineer.

Did she?

Yeah, kinda.

Actually, I'm engineer too.

- Really?
- Civil engineer.

Cool.

Did you go to Harvard?

Mother, not everyone
goes to Harvard.

Oxford?

No, wait, LSE,

the London School of Economics.

Nope, none of the above.

Princeton?

You know, I'm sorry,
I didn't go to Harvard,

and I'm not an engineer.

Um, I went to
Goddard College in Vermont.

No?

Okay.

I'm an artist,
and a I'm a deejay,

and I love your daughter
very much.

In fact,
the best part of my day

is waking up together.

Excuse me? Um...

What do you mean,
waking up together?

You mean you are
living together?

Mm.

So good.

I need some fresh air.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

How could you not tell them
anything about me?

I don't know.
It never came up.

That's insane. How could you
put me in that position?

I wanted to hold off
putting you through this

for as long as possible.

- What do you mean?
- Let me break it down for you.

First, my dad is going to
get angry and brokenhearted,

and then my mom is going to try
to pressure us to get married,

and when we say no,
she's going to freak out

because I'm her only chance

at throwing a lavish
Persian wedding

in front of all of
her family and friends.

- Oh, Christ.
- Look, just stay strong.

Okay? Don't give in.

- Drink your tea.
- Drink my tea.

- Drink your tea.
- Drink my tea.

- Drink your tea.
- Drink my tea.

So you are
living together?

Then you need to get married.

We wanna try
just living together first.

If you want to live together,
you have to first get married.

She's so right.

We need more time.

We're still getting
to know each other.

If you really
get to know each other,

you'll never get married.
Never.

I knew your father
for one day only.

You get to know each other
after the wedding.

Wedding?

Yes, wedding.

That's how people marry.
They have weddings.

We don't want to get married.

And even if we did,
we don't want a wedding.

Why not?

No wedding, no marriage,
no living together.

It's a package, you see?

What about if we registered
as domestic partners?

What is a domestic partner?

It's an alternative
for those who want

the protection and the benefits
of a partnership,

but don't wanna enter into
the institution of marriage.

Marriage is not an institution.

Marriage is marriage.

People marry to have baby.

- Babies.
- Babies.

- That is so...
- Oppressive.

Thank you.

Mamani, you're not gonna die.

- Oh, yes, I will.
- She might.

Actually, Ziba,
it's time for my shot.

Oh, of course.

I'm so sorry, Mamani.
I'm coming.

Reza.

Alex.

Oh, yeah.

It's done.

I promise you,
we're gonna keep it simple.

Something small
in the backyard.

We can do it next month,

when your uncle visits
from Iran.

- Next month?
- Yes.

If they ever let him
in this country,

he can only stay for 10 days.

Don't you wanna do it
for Mamani?

She's been so sad
since Baba died.

Mommy, Baba died 25 years ago.

- Alex.
- Sir?

Don't you wanna
marry my daughter?

Of course.

Done!

I'm calling everyone.

- Oh, my God!
- Congratulations!

Welcome
to the family, Alex.

Here's to the family.

Sweetheart, congratulations.

Oh, congratulations.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

What just happened?

I don't know.

You were supposed to
just drink your tea.

They were so convincing.

Do I propose or do you?

It's so great
that you're all here,

and we're all together.

It's really awesome.

We've heard so much
about you guys.

I'm so happy to finally
meet all of you.

No, we're the happy ones.

Your daughter is
absolutely lovely.

I agree!

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Cheers.

What is that?
That's lovely.

That's a poem

by the 14th century
Persian poet, Hafez.

Greatest poet of all time.

It says...

"Long live love,

for I have not heard
a more merrier word than love."

- That's beautiful.
- It's beautiful.

I had a friend from Riyadh once,

and it's such a pity how
complicated it is over there.

Oh, with all due respect,
actually we are not from Riyadh.

We are from Tehran.

Oh, right.

And just so you know,

no region with oil
will have peace.

And our stellar foreign policy
doesn't help either.

Oh, well you're such
a political expert, Steven,

that the next time you go
to the Middle East...

and you may not come back
because we know what they do

to people like you over there...

well, I wouldn't care so much.

Go, Team Talbot.

Mamani, could you
pass the baklava?

Thank you so much.

How old was Alex
when you divorced?

When we split, Alex was 16.

Oh.

And when did you
get remarried to...

- Steven.
- I'm Steven.

Not long after.

Right.

How soon after?

I mean, did you meet Steven
and realized you were gay,

then get separated and get
together with him and marry him,

or were you feeling
unfulfilled with Maggie

and get separated
and get to meet him

and then you realize
you were gay?

Wow.

Mom, doesn't matter.

I'm just trying to understand
how it all happens in general.

There was overlap.

But you knew.

I mean, as a woman,
you must have known.

And also, were you friends
with Steven

when your husband met him,

or you became friends
afterwards?

Papa...

I was never his friend.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I'll go.

Maggie?

I'm sorry.

My mom can be a little pushy.

They're just not used
to all this.

It's not your fault.

It's everything.
It's my life.

I never imagined I'd be single
at my son's wedding.

Well, you're doing great.

I'm coming in.

Ohh...

I'm so alone.

No, you're not.
You have us now.

I wasted my youth
on a homosexual.

Yeah, but that was the past.

You still have your whole
future ahead of you.

I'll never find true love.

You know what Hafez says:

"Love finds you
when you least expect it."

How's it going out there?

Well, Ziba's getting Steven

the chandelier tour
of the house,

and our fathers are debating
whether or not sodomy is a sin.

Oh, God.

Well, little do they know
we are already in hell.

- Hairbrush.
- Check.

- Computer.
- Check.

- Toothbrush.
- Check.

What do you think?

Oh, I think that
looks like ice cream.

- It's really bad, isn't it?
- Yeah.

- When did she get that for you?
- When I was 12.

- Oh, baby.
- Please hold me.

I'll hold you.

All right, we gotta go.
We gotta go.

Okay, so Uncle Saman
is going to take my room.

I am going
to be on the couch.

You are going to be
in the guest room.

You need to hire help.

I don't need any help.

Why would I pay someone
when I could do it myself?

I'm an engineer.

Dad?

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Whatcha doin'?

I'm building
a Persepolis fountain.

It is going to look exactly
like the Persian ancient ruins.

580 BC, Cyrus the Great.

Oh, boy.

Your mother has invited
half of Orange County.

I have a reputation.

Alex, could you kindly
give me that, please?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.

Why is she so nervous?

It's gonna look good.
I promise you.

Just imagine Persepolis, right?

Okay, we have four columns:
two big ones, two shorter ones.

One big one over here,
one soldier's guarding it.

Another big one over here,
another soldier's guarding it.

And two shorter columns
here and there.

And also you got
two fountains:

one seven inch,
one five inch,

each with their own engines,
and then we light it up.

That's cool.

It's gonna look spectacular.

Thank you, Dad.

Now go see your uncle.
I'm busy.

Good luck.

- Oh, okay.
- Toodles.

This is my fiance Alex.

Oh, well, it's nice
to meet you too.

No.

- What was that?
- He said he's...

really happy to meet you.

Alex, congratulation.
I hear you're a doctor.

He's actually, a...

- He's an artist.
- Artist.

Yeah, he makes art
out of balloons.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I didn't follow that.

He's really excited
to meet your family, he said.

- I'm so excited.
- Very excited.

- So excited.
- Very excited.

- So excited.
- So excited.

Really exciting.

Oh, look!

Bougainvilleas
and pulmonarias.

Oh, for God's sake.

I used to plant those
with Mom!

Would you please just
butch it up a little bit?

- These are Muslims.
- Oh!

- Here comes the wrecking ball.
- Oh, come on.

- Where are you going?
- I have to help her.

Oh, the drama queen
makes an entrance.

Are you gonna be like this
all weekend?

Why do you have to be such
a problem person all the time?

You know what? Since you know
so much about fruit,

why don't you help me
pick 'em up?

Oh, zing, zing, zing!

- Hey!
- Oh.

- We're in the back.
- All right.

- We're not gonna help.
- We're not gonna help.

Sweetheart, you come here.

You stand right here.
Good, okay.

- Maggie.
- Yes.

Come, come, please.

To the left.
Bill, to the right.

- Here?
- Let me see.

Perfect.

The groom will walk first,

presented by the mother
and the father.

Actually, no.

Come here.

I really wanna walk down
the aisle with Steven.

But Steven is not the mother.

No, but he is my husband.

It's gonna be complicated.

Then who will she walk with?

Does she even have to walk?

Well, if it were up to you,
I'd be crawling.

- What a good idea.
- You're not the mother.

Please, please!
Guys, look.

How about the three of you
walk together?

Then four of them together,
walking down the aisle.

It's going to look ridiculous.

That's exactly
what I want this to be.

There is no way my mother's
gonna let Steven walk.

You have to talk
to your father.

Why are you taking her side?

Steven might not even care.

My dad cares.
You heard him.

It is 30 yards.

Make it happen.

Make it happen?

Why doesn't she walk
with Saman, my brother?

Saman!

Saman.

Talbots, this is
my little brother from Iran.

Oh, hey, I'm Bill.
I'm Alex's dad.

Oh, hi, I'm Saman.

Oh, can I call you Sam?

Saman.

Saman.

Steven. I'm his husband.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

A visitor from the orient.

I'm Maggie Baker.

Hello, Maggie Baker.

I am Saman.

Perfect. So the two of you
will walk together first,

and then Steven, Bill, Alex,

and then me and Reza
and my daughter.

- Are you okay with this?
- Absolutely. Compromise.

Shall we, Maggie Baker?

Yes, thank you, Saman.

- Thank you.
- So what does Saman mean?

Saman means, "One who climbs
the mountain for the life."

- I love that!
- Yes.

This is the traditional part
of the wedding.

How beautiful.

Kiss it.

Cool.

Am I Muslim now?

No.

Sort of.

- Can I have a Muslim name?
- Sure.

What would you like
your Muslim name to be?

Uh...

Mohammed?

Okay, sure.

Mohammed.

Well, that was interesting.

Are you serious?

I'm getting a Quran.

Hey, Saman.

Oh, hey, Maggie Baker.

I hope I didn't scare you.

Oh, no, no.
I don't get scared.

I've killed men
with my bare hands.

Ooh.

Well, I just came out
to have another drink

before I hit the road,
you know?

You don't drink, do you?

- Sure, I do.
- You do?

On special occasions.

Well, I'd say this
is pretty special.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Ooh, tequila.

So why have you
not remarried?

I just didn't wanna
make another mistake.

And you? Divorced?

Oh, no, no.
I've never been married.

See, I have no gaydar.
I just...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I just never found
the right woman.

You're very funny.

Oh, uh...

Well, that's so sad.

Yeah, I have no one
to go back to.

Well, then maybe
you should stay here.

Oh.

Maybe I should.

Sorry.

- Okay.
- Sorry about that.

Don't be sorry.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my gosh.

Don't you kiss twice
in your country?

- Oh, yes, yes, you're right.
- It's like...

- And mwah.
- Right, exactly.

Wow. That was very unexpected.

Like in America,
we just don't even bother.

We just go straight
to the main kiss.

Well, okay, then let's...

- Oh, wow.
- Wow.

Maggie Baker.

- Can I have another?
- Oh, sure.

Ziba.

Hi.

I think we both should
relax a little bit.

No. Our entire family,
all of our friends.

How am I supposed to relax?
Half of Orange County is coming.

Don't stress so much.

It's gonna be all right.
I'm here.

As it wasn't bad enough that
she's marrying a poor artist.

Ziba.

How is he going to
take care of her?

He has no job.
How is he going to provide?

And that family?
Oh, my God.

Too late. They were already
living together.

At least she's finally
getting married.

Let's go to bed.

What about the fountain?
Did you fix it?

It's done. Almost done.

I'm an engineer.

Let's have a second honeymoon.

- First, take a shower.
- Okay.

It'd be even better
than our first one.

Paris, 1975.

Are you gonna leave me
one day?

Why?

Do you think our families
are too different?

No.

Is this all just
an experiment to you?

Okay, I'm doing...

all of this...

because I love you.

I just don't know if
you're taking it seriously.

- I mean Mohammed, really?
- What? It's rad.

I just don't think
you understand

how serious marriage is
in my culture.

It is forever.

There is not one single divorce
in my family.

Okay, I thought that I was
gonna become part of the tribe,

and we'd be stifled
and oppressed together.

Is that not what's happening?

We've only known each other
for five months.

Six, actually.

We haven't even done
the 36 questions.

I feel like we have done that.

Oh, my God,
we don't know each other.

Like more than once.

What's my most treasured
childhood memory?

- Spring break, senior year.
- Wrong.

It's when I won the spelling bee
in third grade.

- I did know that.
- We don't know each other.

How are you gonna provide
for our children?

What?

Okay, wait,
where's this coming from?

Is this you,
or is this Ziba?

10-4, 10-4.
Alex, can you hear me? Over.

I promised your uncle I'd help
fix these walkie-talkies

before the wedding, and they're
still totally broken.

Come here.

Hey, hey, hey.

We're gonna be fine, okay?

Just 30 yards, right?

I love you.

Alex, 10-4. Where are you?

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Can you hear me?

Yeah.

See you tomorrow.

Babe...

Nousha, hold your breath.

- Ouch.
- Ow!

Shh!

Hi, hi.

Thank you so much.
I'm so happy to see you.

Miss Iran 1975, hello.

You look glamorous as always.

Oh, stop it. You know,
it's still not too late for me

to find you two husbands.

Oh, that'll be great.

Wow, that would be fantastic.

Saman...

There you are, sweetheart.
I can't even bend.

It has a jacket.

I think I'm having
a nervous breakdown.

- No, no.
- No, really.

There's all these people,
all this fuss.

I look like it's my quinceanera.

I don't know.
I don't know if I can do this.

Honey, it's gonna be fine.

I think you don't wanna talk
about the things that you did,

but you're like
an Iranian general,

and they can't talk about it.

Thank you, Maggie.
You make me blush.

Let's start wedding now.
Let's start wedding now!

Saman, take over
and start wedding now!

What?

Cue the wedding song.

Huh, what?

Cue the wedding song!

Oh, yes, yes.

Music, music.

Okay.

They think that they'd have
high tech in the CIA in Iran.

Oh, Nousha, it's time to go.

I can't, Dad.
I need to talk to Alex.

Alex is over there.
It's time to go, Nousha.

Dad, wait.

Just cold feet, honey.

Everyone gets it, even me.

I love her, she love me.

Will she make me happy,

or will she torture me
every day?

Did I make her happy,
or did I fall into great misery?

Would I be able to satisfy
her list of demands?

Stop!

I have to stop and think.

You cannot stop, Nousha!

Dad, I'm not ready.

I don't know
if I can do this, okay?

The wedding machine
cannot be stopped.

Is everything okay?
Nousha, are you okay?

I can't marry him.

She's okay, she's okay.

Reza, let's take her inside.

No, no, no!

The wedding machine
cannot be stopped!

- The wedding must go on.
- We go inside.

- One tea, she relax.
- What do you mean, tea?

The groom is waiting!
I spent a lot of money.

- I failed you! Don't stop!
- Dad!

I don't want to end up
like his mother!

Alex.

Nousha! Nousha!

Nousha.

Come on, open up.

I can literally see you moving.

We brought Lulu.

Look, she's here too.

- She wants to see you.
- Yeah.

- There's a key under the pot.
- Okay.

- Yup, look at this.
- Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
No, no, no, no.

- No, no, no.
- We are here to help you.

- I'm fine.
- You're not fine.

I don't wanna talk.

We're taking you
to our healer for sure.

- Why? I'm fine!
- You look like afterbirth.

- You smell like caca pants.
- Very, very, very, bad,

what we're looking at
and smelling right now.

- I got it.
- What is this?

Oh, my God,
is that cheese?

You really just smell
of diapers and cheese.

You smell like
the inside of a person.

Okay, fine.
I get it, I get it.

Good, good.

I can't believe
I haven't heard from him.

He blocked me on Facebook.

No, he deleted his account.

What? He would never be
such a social media whore.

What about Instagram?

Mm-mm.

What about Twitter?

- I mean...
- What about Google Plus?

Really?

Can't believe
he broke up with me.

Well, you did leave him
at the altar

and turn into a phoenix.

I don't blame him.

Okay, come on, let's...
No, no, no, no!

Let's get dressed,
let's get dressed.

You don't know yet
who you are or what you want.

I really want
a cheeseburger right now.

I know that.

The emotional freedom
technique

sends calm signals
to your brain,

so follow me.

Even though I am heartbroken,

I fully love and accept myself.

So now you try it.

Even though...

I'm heartbroken,

I fully love
and accept myself.

Even though I hurt
the only man I've ever loved,

I fully love
and accept myself.

Even though I'm probably
gonna die alone,

I fully love
and accept myself.

Even though I wanna crawl
into a hole and die,

I love and accept...

Fully love and accept myself.

Fully love and accept myself.

Very good.

I feel better.

Wonderful.

Cash or check?

Cash only, please.

Okay.

Hello?

Why aren't you
calling me back?

I was just about
to call the police.

I was going to, Mom.
I was just busy.

You're not getting any younger.
You need to start dating again.

It's only been a few weeks, Mom.

Ali, Fariba's son, heard about
the fireworks at the altar.

He wants to take you out.

Nousha, he just finished
dental school too.

- Nousha?
- Okay, Mom, yeah, set it up.

From what I hear,
you're a little unconventional.

That's an understatement.

Yeah, and I heard you set off
a bomb at your wedding.

I'm sorry.
I should be more sensitive.

So what was it like?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Sure.

Nosy, I know.

Excuse me.

Can I have some more
alcohol, please?

They're good, huh?

I looked the Yelp up.

It was like top three
martinis in LA.

The other two were too far.

It's nice that you
did your research.

'Course.

Thank you, Tony.

Do you make Persian food?

Chenje, ghormeh sabzi?

Umm...

I'm gonna take that as a no.

But cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- So you're a dentist?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

- Great.
- Great.

You're a really nice guy.

Thanks. So are you.

Thank you, but I'm not.

I'm never gonna be
a good Persian wife,

or a good wife
or a good person.

I think you're great.

You do?

Oh.

Unzip me.

- This isn't too fast for you?
- No, no, just go for it.

All right.

Just...

You got it, you got it.

I'm goin' there,
all right, okay.

Wow!

You know, I actually
took this photo of her.

Yeah, my dream has always
been to marry someone

as wonderful as my mom.

And you know,
you remind me of her.

Do you mind
zipping me back up?

Uh, okay.

Thank you so much.

You know,
I actually have to go.

- No!
- Yeah, I have court.

Tomorrow.

Bye.

Bye.

You were right about her.

I really wish
you guys were here.

Yeah, we do too,
but Lulu's not feeling well.

Sorry.

I'm just gonna drop off
the toothbrush and then leave.

- Okay.
- We just want you to know

that we don't think
this is a good idea.

I know, but please
just stay on the phone.

- We support you.
- We support you.

All right, say bye, honey.
Okay, bye.

Bye, we love you.

Love you.

No, wait!

You sound like you could use
some good stuff.

Do you have like caffeine pills?
I'm really tired.

I promise you'll feel great.

If everything goes south,
will I remember tomorrow?

No.

I'll take two, please.

Excuse me, can you lift me up?
I really need to see the deejay.

- All right.
- Thank you.

There! Have your look.

Take over for a minute.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Um, I brought your toothbrush.

Christ, Nousha,
what are you doing here?

What, you don't call or text,
and you blocked me on Facebook,

so how else was I supposed
to bring your toothbrush?

You dumped me at the altar
in front of everybody.

You broke my fucking heart.

I fucked up. I was scared.
I was insecure.

There was too much
pressure on me.

And no, I didn't mean
what I said.

I'm ready now.
I'm ready.

It's too late for me.

I love you.

No, you don't.

- Whoo!
- Oh!

Hey, watch it, girl!

Nousha!

Mom?

How long has this
been going on?

Almost since your wedding,
or your breakup.

We were going to tell you,

but I guess
we could tell them now.

Tell us what?

Sam and I are getting married.

Who's Sam?

Saman!

That Sam?

And I'm converting.

Can you rub my arm?

Mom, why are you here?

Oh, honey, no,
we go dancing all the time.

We have been following you
as DJ Mohammed.

I got married so early,
and Sam was sent off to war.

We just never had a chance
to be young.

Alex, it's never too late.

No. As Hafez says,
"You must always stay close

to anything that makes you
feel glad to be alive."

Or something like that,
I think. Right?

You got it.

Okay, no, stop.

Could you please stop?

Stop.

Am I tripping?

I think so.

Even your Uncle Saman
is getting married before you.

God, I'm so happy
for you.

What happened to Ali?

I'm not doing another one
of your arrangements.

You're not doing this
to me again, Nousha.

How dare you drop a doctor.

He wasn't a doctor.
He was a dentist.

Whatever.
I just want you to be happy.

Well, you're making me
miserable, so...

Nousha, your mother loves you.

She just doesn't know
any better.

Child bride. She had no choice.

Yes, baby.

And if you're lesbian,
that's okay too.

Hi.

Hey.

Keep your eyes
on the board, okay?

Now I know why I was always
too afraid to do this.

No, don't overthink it, Noush.
Just trust.

Trust?

- Trust.
- Trust.

Trust!

You have to learn
how to be alone.

The quietness in your heart
will give you the answers.

Is this one of the ones
you put in your vagina?

How did you say bye
to those eyes?

Well, it was
a mutual agreement.

For me, it was something else.
I don't wanna go there.

Sorry.

Wanna grab a cheeseburger
together?

Just kidding.

I'm vegan now.

Namaste.

Did I do it right?

- No.
- Oh.

Right? What?

I thought you might need this.

Thank you.

Bill's out there,

trying to teach Ziba
how to use a BlackBerry.

He is not.

Oh, my gosh.

You know, I've never really
given you enough credit.

He's not easy.

Girl...

We have a lot to talk about.

We do.

You look...

divine.

Thank you.

You ready, Mom?

Ohh! More than ready.

I love that man.

And besides, the sexual
chemistry is off the charts.

- Mom...
- I literally didn't even know

that I could bend like...

Okay, Mom, stop.

Alex...

I want you to be happy.

I am happy.

I think Hafez said

that love forgives
and heals.

You look beautiful.

- See you out there.
- Okay.

Thanks.

Uh-huh.

Like James Bond.

Tell me what's wrong.

I'm honestly so happy for you.
It's okay.

You are not happy.

No, I'm not.

I really miss him.

I don't think he's ever
gonna forgive me.

You know what's wrong
with your generation?

You're too skeptical.

Always doubting everything.

So afraid of marriage.

It's this Internet.

Nousha, you don't know
how to have faith.

You have to believe in things.

That's how life moves forward.

That's a God lecture.

1986, the Iran-Iraq War.

We are in the depths of hell.

The government was broke,

so we had limited arms
and no supplies.

But my men, they marched on.

We took Najaf with just one tank
and a handful of grenades.

But then we heard
the airstrikes.

Chemical weapons.

It was Saddam.

He blasted my men.

Most of them died...

like that.

But I just lost
a few ligaments.

How did I never know
about that?

I also have a scar
on my backside right here.

No, I don't need...
I'm good, I'm good.

The point is, Nousha,
that even in my darkest hour,

I still had faith.

I knew that one day
there would be a light,

and that light...

is Maggie.

If you're constantly
living in fear,

you won't let the light in.

As in love,

it's simple.

And you should never give up.

I'm gonna need your help
with something.

Pigeon.

Thanks, Saman.

Of course, darling.

Hi.

Ready?

I am.

Actually, Alex,
if you don't mind,

I would really like to walk
your mother down the aisle.

Of course, Dad.

Thank you.

Um, you all got me here,

so you all are walking me
down the aisle.

Hey, you too, Steven!

Get in here,
you handsome bastard.

Quite a family.

You ready?

Right legs first.

I'm gonna leave you here.
You're on your own.

Be amazing.

Thank you.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Thank you all for coming.

Love is not about
keeping a score,

hesitation or fear.

Love is about sacrifice,
understanding

and forgiveness.

As the great Persian poet says,

"And still after all this time,

the sun never says to the Earth,

'You owe me.'"

Look what happens
with that kind of love.

It lights the whole sky.

Now may I ask the ladies join me
for the Persian canopy.

Rings, please?

Thank you.

Maggie Baker...

do you accept
Saman Amir Husseini

as your husband willingly,

without any reservation?

I sure do.

Saman Amir Husseini,

do you take Maggie Baker
as your wife willingly,

without any reservation?

Heck yes.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Ha ha! Whoo!

Now let's party!

Mmm!

Yeah!

Whoo!

- That's so good.
- Delicious.

Sweet like you.

You know,
there are weirder things.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, plenty.
- For sure.

Name one.

Oh, sorry.

I'll be right back, okay?

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention, please.

I just would like to say

that today has been the most
wonderful day of my life.

Thank you.

And it is not only because
I had the pleasure

of marrying
this beautiful goddess

and the love of my life,

Maggie Baker-Husseini,

but also I would like to say

that we have today with us
in the house

one of my favorite singers
in the whole world.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome

Miss Celine Dion.

Oh, my God!

- My favorite!
- There she is!

Celine, Celine, Celine!

Celine, thank you.

♪ I met you at a protest ♪

♪ I tried to keep my cool ♪

♪ A fire on our wedding day ♪

♪ When I fell in the pool ♪

♪ I'll be there in a heartbeat ♪

♪ Anytime that you call ♪

♪ I wanna be
domestic partners now ♪

♪ Saddam and Andy Warhol ♪

♪ I wanted to tell you ♪

♪ But I was so filled
with doubt ♪

♪ Fear got in the way ♪

♪ I am right here to say ♪

♪ That I'm ready now ♪

Wait.

Aren't we like cousins now?

More like second cousins,
so it's still legal.