A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004) - full transcript

Bum buttery flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh

Bum buttery bluebird is singing a tune

Daffodil dillies awaken and prune

Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume

It's a loverly, loverly spring

Chit-chattery chipmunks
all singing along

Humming their
join-in-a-spring-along song

Spring is the springiest time for a song

It's a loverly, loverly spring

In the forest we play
with the rabbits all day...

I'm sorry to say that this is not
the movie you will be watching.



The movie you are about to see
is extremely unpleasant.

If you wish to see a film
about a happy little elf,

I'm sure there is still plenty
of seating in theatre number two.

However, if you like stories about clever

and reasonably attractive orphans,

suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches,

Italian food and secret organisations,
then stay

as I retrace each and every one
of the Baudelaire children's

woeful steps.

My name is Lemony Snicket

and it is my sad duty
to document this tale.

Violet Baudelaire, the eldest,

was one of the finest 14-year-old
inventors in the world.

Anyone who knew Violet well
could tell she was inventing something



when her long hair
was tied up in a ribbon.

In a world of abandoned items
and discarded materials,

Violet knew
there was always something.

Something she could fashion into nearly
any device for nearly every occasion.

And no one was better to test
her inventions than her brother.

Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child,

loved books,

or rather, the things he learnt
from books.

The Baudelaire parents had
an enormous library in their mansion.

A room filled with thousands of books
on nearly every subject.

And nothing pleased Klaus more
than spending an afternoon

filling up his head with their contents.

And everything he read,
he remembered.

Sunny, the youngest,
had a different interest.

She liked to bite things
and had four sharp teeth.

There was very little that Sunny
did not enjoy biting.

Sunny was at an age
when one mostly speaks

in a series of unintelligible shrieks.

For instance...

Which probably meant,

"Look at that mysterious figure
emerging from the fog."

Or perhaps,

"What is a banker like Mr Poe
doing trudging through the sand

"to find us at Briny Beach?"

Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of

an extremely unfortunate event.

I'm very sorry to tell you
your parents have perished in a fire

that's destroyed your entire home.

If you have ever lost
someone very important to you,

then you already know how it feels.

And if you haven't,

you cannot possibly imagine it.

No one knows the precise cause
of the Baudelaire fire.

My colleagues and I have investigated
the best we can,

but all we've discovered is that the
blaze was started from a great distance

through the refraction
and convergence of light,

and within moments,
the entire mansion was in flames.

And as mysterious
as the source of the blaze,

other mysteries began to unfold
before the children's eyes.

Every family has its secrets,
doors left unopened,

but as Klaus now realised,

the smallest discovery would
send his mind reeling with questions.

What was this spyglass,
hidden in his father's desk?

Were there other secrets about
their parents' lives yet to be revealed?

Questions he now feared
might never be answered.

And just like that,

the Baudelaire children
became the Baudelaire orphans.

I tried to warn you.

This is an excellent opportunity
to walk out of the theatre,

living room or aeroplane
where this film is being shown.

It's not too late to see a film
about a happy little elf.

Yes, come with me.

Now, as chief officer
of Mulctuary Management,

and the executor of your parents' estate,

it is my legal obligation to take care
of your money till you come of age,

and to place you in the care
of your closest relative.

So I'm taking you to
live with your dear Count Olaf

who resides right here in the city,
just 37 blocks away.

I don't think that's what "closest"
is supposed to mean.

- We don't know a Count Olaf.
- Of course you do.

He's either your third cousin
four times removed

or fourth cousin three times removed.

Someone's brain's been removed.

Sunny!

And he's an actor by trade.
Isn't that exciting, children?

You should count yourselves lucky,
children.

This sort of generosity is rare
in a person of his profession.

Here we are, your new home.

Isn't it lovely, children?

Hello.

You must be the Baudelaires.

Hi.

I was so sorry to
hear about the accident,

but so happy to
hear you were coming here.

Welcome. I'm Justice Strauss
of the city high court.

I'm Violet and this is my brother,
Klaus, and my sister, Sunny.

Poe, Mulctuary Management.

- How do you do?
- Lovely.

- Your house is so beautiful.
- Thank you.

Please, don't be strangers.
Come visit me any time you like.

- Visit?
- You don't live with Count Olaf?

Live with Count Olaf? No!
No, no.

He's my neighbour.

Let's sleep outside.

Intrude!

We haven't got all day. In you go.

Well, hello, hello, hello.

I am your beloved Count Olaf.

And welcome to my loverly home.

May you find solace within
the womb-like warmth of its

downy plume.

Or as the Greeks
in the ancient times would say,

"Orphanis encribo,
something, something, something..."

Music builds to a crescendo.

Ending on the right foot.

And strike a Fosse!

Not exactly what I was going for,
but you get the idea.

My dear

Violet.

Enchant?.

How do you do?

And this must be Klaus.

Young Klaus.

Your left side is the good one.

And

what is this?

I'm Sunny.

I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey.

Banana.

I am not a monkey!

Sunny's our sister.

I must say,
you're a gloomy-looking bunch.

Why so glum?

Our parents just died.

Yes, of course. How very, very awful.

Wait, let me do that one more time.

Give me the line again.
Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind.

Our parents just... died?

Yes.

What a schmuck!!

Mr Poe.

I will raise these orphans

as if they were actually wanted.

And though you would call it
a burden, a sacrifice,

you are mistaken, sir,

and should be ashamed of yourself!

The idea!

Anyway, where do I sign
for the fortune... I mean, children?

You won't officially have guardianship
until the hearing

on Thursday morning.

And what am I to do
with them until then?

Excuse me?

What I mean is... Do you work out?

You look good. Healthy, I mean.

Well, I'd better get back to the bank.

Can't you stay for a brief imbibement?

A glass of port? Sanka?

- I suppose...
- Another time then.

- Children, if you need anything...
- No, we're fine. We're all fine.

Any questions...

I realise that my humble abode
isn't as fancy

as the Baudelaire Mansion,

but I'm coming into
a great deal of money soon

and I think it'll be

quite charming when it's finished.

Shall we take a look?

This is the living room.

The kitchen.

I know what you're thinking.

This place could use a little TLC.

I trust you've had your tetanus shots.
Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.

This is the entertainment
or rumpus room.

I'm told the ceiling can be
brought up to code in no time.

You're not afraid of heights, are you?

Imagine that.
A monkey afraid of heights.

My theatre. This way.

What's that up there?

The tower,

which you are never to enter,

under any circumstances.

This is where you'll sleep,
time permitting. Nighty-night.

- But the sun's still up.
- But the sun's still up.

I don't know if you've ever noticed,
but first impressions

are often entirely wrong.

For instance, Klaus, when Sunny
was born, didn't like her at all.

But by the time she was six weeks old,
the two of them were thick as thieves.

A phrase which here means
"fetching and biting for hours on end."

In the case of Count Olaf, however...

Orphans!

...they were correct.

Every morning, Count Olaf
would order the Baudelaires

to do a great number of terrible chores.

After which, he would stalk off
to his mysterious tower room.

And as unfortunate
as their situation seemed,

it was only about to get worse.

I woke up in a tub full of ice in Baja,

and I realised that these girls
had stolen my kidney.

No!

Imagine my surprise.

Orphans, this is my acting troupe.

- Acting troupe, orphans.
- They don't look rich.

Ugly little people.

Why aren't you children in the kitchen
preparing our dinner?

Dinner?

It's the French word
for the evening meal.

On the back. Flip it.

We'll take it in the dining room at 8:00.

We expect absolute silence
while we're rehearsing our play.

But we've never made dinner before.

- It's already 7:30.
- 8:00!

Pasta it is.

Okay. Let's start casting this puppy.

Now, who shall play

the most handsome count
in all the world?

Would you do it, sir?

All right.

Pasta Puttanesca. That's Italian
for "very few ingredients."

That's great.

Sunny, a little help.

I'm on it.

- Okay, we're going to need a pot.
- No pot.

- And a strainer.
- No strainer.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

And a saucepan.

This is a little piece
I like to call "Electric Chair".

I think you might have to turn it up.

Is anybody out there?

Strainer. That's brilliant.

Sunny, how's that pot coming?

Voil?.

Sunny, that's not a pot.

It's a spittoon.

A spittoon? You mean, like...

We'll wash it twice.

Well?

It's good. It's really good.

Time check.

Let's go back to prehistoric times

when dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.

What do you want?

Dinner is served.

Puttanesca.

What did you call me?

It's pasta. Pasta Puttanesca.

Where's the roast beef?

Roast beef?

Beef. Yes. Roast beef.

It's the Swedish term
for beef that is roasted.

But you didn't tell us
you wanted roast beef.

You know, there's a big world out there

filled with desperate orphans
who would gladly

swim across an ocean of thumbtacks

just to be eclipsed by the long shadow
that is cast by my accomplishments.

But I don't care about them.

I chose to open my heart

to you two loverly children

and your hideous primate.

All I ask in return is that you do
every thing that pops into my head

while I enjoy the enormous fortune
your parents left behind.

- No.
- Why, you little...

Back off, parrot face!!

I'll bite higher!

Don't mock me!

Wow. You are nuts.

It's time you children
learnt a little respect.

- Back!
- Put her down!

You monster!

You all saw it. The boy slipped.

You won't get a cent
until Violet turns 18.

Really?

- Says who?
- The law. Look it up.

We're going to call Mr Poe
about this right now.

Are you?

I'm very disappointed in you, children.

Where were we?

- Are you okay?
- No.

Klaus, what are you doing?

- I'm going.
- Going where?

Home.

This is our home now.

This is not home.

Home is where your parents
put you to bed at night,

where they teach you to ride a bike,
or where they get choked up

on your first day of school.

This is not home.

How could they do this to us?

They're just bad people.

Not them. Mom and Dad.

- Klaus.
- Violet, you're thinking it too.

How could they?
They had no plan for us at all?

Well, maybe they did have a plan.

Well, it sure looks like it to me.

Do you remember
when Mom and Dad went to Europe?

We thought they'd abandoned us
because they didn't even write.

We found out they'd written
a letter that got lost in the mail.

Do you remember how guilty we felt
for thinking bad thoughts about them?

This is just like that.

No, it's not.

Why?

Because they're not in Europe.

They're not coming back.

Do you think anything
will ever feel like home again?

"Sanctuary" is a word which here means

a small, safe place in a troubling world.

Like an oasis in a vast desert
or an island in a stormy sea.

The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening
in the sanctuary they built together.

I see it, I see it.

But in their hearts they knew
the troubling world lay outside.

Like this.

A world, which I'm sad to say,
can be described in two dismal words.

Custody granted.

Thank you, Your Honour.
Nice doing business with you.

Children, I've been
contemplating our situation

and I realise that I've been
a bit standoffish, shall we say?

Which in this case
is a big, big word meaning...

Pure evil.

...tough but fair.

But now that we're family,
I can make it up to you.

I can be the ultimate dad.

I know. Let's stop for a treat.

Soda. Soda. Banana.

Bite me.

Got it.

Violet.

Where'd the locks go?

Hello. I'm going on a perfectly
innocent ride in the country

with my kids, whom I love.

Is that clock correct?

What is it?

I think it's a schedule.

Kiwi Watermelon Surprise. My favourite.

Go!

He took the keys.

Try everything.

Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing

Count Olaf? Hello. Poe.

I'm calling about that
inheritance question you raised.

- Thank goodness.
- Who is this?

It's Violet. We're in Count Olaf's car.

Hello, Violet. Where's Count Olaf?

- He's not here right now, but...
- You're driving the car alone?

The car is on the train tracks
and the train is coming.

I'm sorry, Violet, I can't hear a thing.
I'm driving next to a train!

We're going to be hit by a train.

Right. Yes.
I can't hear because of the train!

I'll call you back
when I get to the bank! Goodbye!

Klaus, you've read books on trains.

What do we do?

Track switcher.

There!

- It's too far away.
- No.

There has to be something
we can use to pull it.

- There's nothing in here.
- There's always something.

Sunny, bite the head off that elf.

Love to!

Quick, pull it back in.

- Violet.
- I got it.

I don't mean to rush you.

- Nice shot.
- Thank you. Pull.

Mr Poe. Dear Mr Poe.

Can't we discuss this
like reasonable men?

I'm sorry, but allowing a child
of Sunny's age to drive a car

is not good parenting.

- He tried to kill us.
- Let us not exaggerate.

The vehicle was not even in gear.

May I have

a moment alone with the children?

Goodbye, kids.

It's been fun.

I'm going to get you.

No matter where you go,
no matter what you do, I'll find you.

You are so deceased.

Take them, Mr Poe.

Before I lose it big time.

Trumping a talentless villain
might seem all in a day's work

for three ingenious orphans,

but the Baudelaires
savoured their victory

as they sped towards their new home.

What lay ahead for them was unclear,

but they remained cautiously optimistic
that their next guardian

would be better than the last,

or at least wouldn't try
to flatten them with a train.

Do you know
what kind of scientist he is?

I don't. I was far too busy
making arrangements.

- I didn't have time for chitchat.
- Hello!

Oh, my goodness.

Look at you. You must be Violet.

Do you remember me?

I don't suppose so, you were
just a little baby at the time.

And, Klaus, we've never met.
How do you...

What a firm grip.
Like a Burmese python.

And Sunny. Little Sunny.

You look so much like your dear mother.

Thank you very much, Mr Poe.
I'll take it from here.

- Well, perhaps I should come inside.
- By all means.

You could help us
pick out the gut worms

from the bowel of the Viscid Boa.

Children, remember,

if you need me any time,
you can reach me by phone or fax.

Good day.

Well, we got rid of him, didn't we?

Come in. Come in.

There's not much time
and we have to pack.

Pack?

- Did you say "pack"?
- Yes.

We have to pack all the equipment.

Then there's the essentials like clothing.

And we have to tag the snakes
who are coming with us.

Coming where?

- Did I mention we're going to Peru?
- No.

Yes, we are going to Peru.
Tomorrow morning.

Isn't that exciting?

This way to the Reptile Room.

Welcome to my humble abode.

You children know anything
about snakes?

Only what I've read in books.

No, not very much.

Well, we may have one or two things
here that aren't in books.

I'll just put the big fellow in his bed

and introduce you
to a few of me friends.

Over here...

- That's the two-headed cobra.
- Well spotted.

Is that a he or a she?

I have no idea.
Didn't think it polite to ask.

And over here,
the Tibetan Third Eye Toad.

We can't stop this fellow chanting.

And now, children,
you have to see my latest discovery.

Found him in Tanzania. One of a kind.

The Incredibly Deadly Viper.

My assistant Gustav and I may be
the only people ever to have seen him.

I'm sorry. My ribbon just jammed.

Let me just adjust it here.

There we are.

Now...

Where was I?

Yes. The attack
of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

Not to worry, little one. You're all right.

It can't possibly harm you. Here we go.

The Incredibly Deadly Viper
couldn't have harmed her?

No, no.

It's a big softy.

One of the least harmful and friendliest
creatures in the animal kingdom.

It's a misnomer.

I only called him that to play a prank
on those stuffed shirts

down at the Herpetological Society.

Uncle Monty, why are we going to Peru?

Just this morning I was wondering,

"How are we all going to
get out of town together?"

And I thought, "Peru."
They have snakes in Peru, don't they?

But why are we getting out of town?

Violet, do you know snakes are more
afraid of you than you are of them?

Few people do.

When threatened,
a snake will retreat to a place

that is quiet, safe, remote.

A sanctuary

where it can feel out of danger.

That's why Peru.

Wait. That spyglass.
I saw one like that...

Plenty of time for chitchat later.

But right now what I need is an inventor,

a reader

and a biter.

Know any?

My teeth are at your service, Sir...

High upon Highlands and low upon Tay

Bonnie George Campbell
rode out on a day

Saddled and bridled, so gallant rode he

Home came his good horse
but never came he

Petunia, what have I told you about this?

She thinks I'm a tree, you know.

I think I know that song.

I think... I think our parents
used to play it for us.

They certainly did, as I did for mine.

- You had children?
- Oh, yes.

And a wife and a home.

Until the fire.

A fire?

I may know better than anyone
what you're going through.

But it's going to be all right.

We'll be among people
who understand us.

People who are like us.

People who appreciate unique children
who can read and invent and

bite things.

Uncle Monty,
why are you doing all this for us?

Isn't that what family does?

"And so the Baudelaire children
went to Peru

"and together had wonderful adventures

"with their loving
and wonderful new guardian.

"The end."

These are the words
I desperately wish I could type.

I would give anything to say
that the story ends here.

But alas, my mission is not to weave
happy endings where they do not occur,

but to report the actual events

in the lives of
the unfortunate Baudelaire children.

And as much as it pains me,

I must confess that their troubles
had only just begun

and it did so with two musical notes.

Hello.

I am looking for
Dr Montgomery Montgomery.

I am Stephano.

I am an Italian man
and I am here to assist him

in his research as best I can

as well as to facilitate
and remain observatory.

You're Count Olaf.

Now, why would you say
something like that?

I have never met
such a person as a Count Olaf,

but...

If I had I'm sure he would look
and sound completely different.

You're Olaf and we're not letting you in.

Well, perhaps you should
re-evaluate your hypothesis.

Anyway, that's why you should
never run with one of these, kids.

Words of wisdom indeed, Mr Stephano.

You caught me being a mentor.

And bless you for coming
at such short notice.

Not at all, not at all.

My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick
and phoned not one hour ago.

He'd give anything to be here right now.

Thank goodness you were available.

Well, I am... I am a fan, if I may gush.

Your work has profoundly
influenced my research

up at the Monterey Bay Aquarium

on the sea snake.

- It's a very volatile animal, that...
- Perhaps we should...

I've been bitten 43... 700 times.

Mostly on the face.
A lot of this has been reconstructed.

But I think they did one heck of a job,

even though my moustache
is a tad askew.

You can't be buying this.

But I wonder if I could get the kids
to help me in with my bags.

My left side is somewhat
neurologically challenged.

- But of course. Children...
- Uncle Monty...

Please.

Let us not be rude to our guest.
Now, go on.

- What's he up to?
- I don't know.

There is no good moment, of course,
for a notorious villain to arrive,

but the timing of Olaf's reappearance,

just when Dr Montgomery's secret
could be revealed to the children,

was almost more than Klaus could bear.

Violet, listen to me.

Monty's spyglass.
I saw the exact same one in Dad's desk.

Klaus, it's just a coincidence.

Violet, no.
Everything happens for a reason.

The children will be helping us
with the research in Peru.

Do you have any experience
with children?

Children are strange and foreign to me.

I never really was one.

I know that they are an important part
of the ecosystem.

He's never gonna let us alone
with Monty.

- We've got to get a message to him.
- Leave that to me.

I was feeding the moray,

and of course I got cocky.

And that's all it takes.
That's all it takes is one time.

Just once.

I had the kipper in my mouth
and I offered it.

And there was a team from
National Geographic that were there.

They were filming the whole thing

and, well, a lot of people
don't know this about the moray,

but you think this can't be
a tremendously strong animal.

Sure, it has a certain amount
of strength,

but how does it pull a man's face
into a cave?

Anyway, long story short,
the bends, the reconstructive surgery,

but yes, from my understanding,
Peru is a wonderful place.

The beaches. The people.

The relaxed guardianship laws.

Relaxed guardianship laws?

Did I say that?

Darn neurotoxins.

Stephano, you have
a wonderful gift for storytelling.

- Doesn't he, children?
- Oh, yeah.

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind
milking Petunia for me.

Petunia.

Well, the milking...

Now, see, what I was... Could I just...

Yeah, sure. I'll take a shot at that.

Now, they used to
call me Old MacDonald

up at the milking lab there.

I'd milk these things all day long.

But the little udders,
they're hard to locate.

Anyway, why don't you take that

and go ahead and
start the party without me.

I'm not sure I brought my milking gear.

I'll take a gander.

Is he still watching?

Yes.

Don't look at me.
Pretend you're talking to Klaus.

Okay.

I got your message. Don't worry, I know.

- You do?
- Yes.

A moray eel would never eat kippers.
Far too salty.

Did you see the way
he kept glancing into my satchel

where I keep the exotic snake venoms?

You children were right.
Stephano is an imposter.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

A spy from the Herpetological Society,

here to steal
the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

No. Uncle Monty...

Darn. All finished.

I was so looking forward to the milking.

Isn't it about time you kids went to bed?

Absolutely.

Early start tomorrow, children.

Off you go.

Good night.

And if you kids should
get restless during the night,

I'm right down the hall
and I'm a very light sleeper.

In fact, I hardly sleep at all.

Do you have a hall pass?

I didn't think so.

Petunia, I'm going to miss you.

You're such a good girl, aren't you?

Such a pretty girl.

You are. Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

It is a curious thing,
the death of a loved one.

Uncle Monty?

It's like walking up the stairs
to your bedroom in the dark

and thinking that there's
one more stair than there is.

Your foot falls down through the air

and there's a sickly moment
of dark surprise.

Uncle Monty?

The children's grief
was not only for their uncle,

but for that tender hope that
they may have found home again.

A hope which,
thanks to a villainous actor,

was now slowly tumbling away.

I do feel somewhat responsible
for this tragedy.

I should've taken it upon myself to warn
him that the Incredibly Deadly Viper

is the most deadly snake
in the entire ecosystem.

I should know. I discovered it.

- You what?
- Detective?

Little girl, the big cage door is open,
no snake. Dead guy.

You know what I'm thinking?

"Who woke me up
at 9:00 in the morning for this?"

It's definitely a snake bite.
There's no question about it.

Snake bite, no question. Thanks, doc.

No, you don't understand.

The Incredibly Deadly Viper
couldn't have killed him.

It's one of the least dangerous
and most friendly creatures

in the animal kingdom.

Mind if I skip the paperwork on this?

I think that'd be best.

These kids have been through
a major upheaval.

I wonder if it's a good idea even
to change their plans at this point.

We were headed for Peru tomorrow

- and the tickets are non-refundable.
- No.

Doc, what do you think?

Could be the only chance
for them to get closure.

Closure. Thank you, doc.

I'll handle this.

From interviews with witnesses
there that day,

I have learnt the following about
the youngest Baudelaire's plan,

brave Sunny started here and
approached the Incredibly Deadly Viper

with single-minded determination.

No, he's Count Olaf
and that doctor is his accomplice.

He tried to kill us with a train.

- Where would he get a train?
- Where am I gonna get a train?

That's enough of this foolishness.

Mr Stephano bears
no resemblance to Count Olaf.

Who is this incredibly handsome
Count Olaf they keep speaking of?

Count Olaf is their old guardian
who made an error in judgement.

What about the tattoo?

Count Olaf had a tattoo of an eye
on his ankle.

Anything for the kids.

Voil?! Spick-and-span.

He's an actor.
He covered it with makeup.

Doctor, I wonder if you could help me
escort these children to the vehicle.

- No, Mr Poe.
- We'll send a postcard.

About one thing
all the witnesses agreed.

The sound they heard next
was so shocking, so surprising,

it still haunts them to this day.

Damn it.
This was such a good character.

Bum buttery bluebird is singing a tune

Rest assured, children,

the authorities are in hot pursuit
of Mr Stephano,

from his eyebrow-less forehead
to his un-tattooed ankle.

The Italian fiend.

Though still in the clutches
of a clueless banker,

the Baudelaires celebrated
their unmasking of Olaf

as they skimmed their way across
the icy surface of Lake Lachrymose.

But Klaus wasn't the sort to think
on the surface of anything.

He knew there was something
beneath their journey,

even though all he had to go on
was a spyglass,

the knowledge of another terrible fire
and two words on a slip of paper.

Aunt Josephine?

Never heard of her.

Does it strike you as odd that
none of our relatives are related to us?

Aunt Josephine?

Baudelaires?

- Is that you?
- Yes.

Good.

Come in. Come in.

Hurricane Herman is about to arrive
at any time now.

Violet. Look at you.

Hello.

Come in, quickly. Quickly, children.

- What?
- What's the matter?

Not that quickly.

You could trip over the welcome mat

and decapitate yourselves.

So... Quickly.

But not too quickly. All right?

I'm sorry. It's so chilly in here.

Sometimes it gets so cold
I can hardly stand it.

Would you like me to
turn the radiator up for you?

No, I never turn on the radiator.
I'm frightened that it might explode.

Children, I must ask you not to use
any of the doorknobs in the house.

Just push on the wood of the door

and it'll open.

Why?

I'm always afraid that the doorknobs
will shatter into a million tiny pieces

and one of them will hit my eye.

Someone's been to crazy town.

"Delmo" is not a word.

I can see that I'm going to have
to teach her proper English.

Grammar is the greatest joy in life,
don't you find?

- Definitely.
- I love grammar.

She's the Mayorof crazy town.

Perfect. Nice hot soup.

Actually, it's chilled cucumber soup.

I never cook anything hot.

I'm afraid that the stove
will burst into flames.

- Where's your brother?
- The kitchen.

Klaus?

What are you doing?

Napkins.

Napkins are here.

Come away from the fridge.
If it falls, it'll crush you flat.

All right.

Would you like to see some pictures?

Careful. Don't get a paper cut.

Is this lke?

Wasn't he handsome?

Look at all the things you did,
Aunt Josephine.

You tamed lions?

I was quite adventurous

when lke was alive.

Uncle Monty? You knew Uncle Monty?

No. That's not a good picture of me.

Wait, is...

- Is that our parents?
- Was this some sort of club?

Why do you all have these spyglasses?

I don't like the way I look in that picture.

Did lke die in a fire?

Silly child, no.

He was eaten by leeches.

Okay.

Come, I'll show you.

Watch the chandelier, children.

If it falls, it'll impale you.

Ike and I explored every cove
and inlet of Lake Lachrymose,

from Horrid Harbour

all the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.

And near that rock
is where the leeches attacked.

Lachrymose leeches have six rows
of very sharp teeth

and one very sharp nose.

They are blind, but they can smell food
on a human from miles away.

And if they smell food, they will swarm.

I told him, "lke, you must wait one hour
before going into the water."

But

he only waited 45 minutes.

I apologise, children.

That area is private.
That was lke's room.

God, I hate it here.

Well, Aunt Josephine,

have you ever thought of maybe
moving someplace else?

Maybe if you moved away from
Lake Lachrymose you might feel better.

I could never,

never, never, never sell this house.

I'm terrified of realtors.

There are two kinds of fears,

rational and irrational.

Being afraid of realtors
is an irrational fear.

Is this a bad time?

We gotta get her out of the house.

Watch out for those avocados.

The pit could become lodged
in our throats.

And watch out for that cart.
It could break free and run us over.

Everything's fine, Aunt Josephine.

Lord tunderin' jumped up Jehovah.

Is it the black plague?

No, that there was all my fault, eywah.

Can't tell ya how sorry I is for running
into your sister there like that.

- Aunt Josephine...
- Couple of right beauties ya are, mum.

Especially you.

Aunt Josephine...

- Allow me to introduce meself.
- No, allow Klaus and I to introduce him.

Klaus and me.

- It doesn't matter. This is...
- Doesn't matter?

Are you jiggin' me, girl?

Why, perhaps it's just the ramblin's
of an expert fisherman,

but grammar is the number one
most important thing

in this here world to me.

It is?

Is she desperate?

It's the whole ball of wax.

The entire kit 'n caboodle.
Why, without your good grammar,

the whole darn shootin' match
could go arse over tea kettle.

Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.

I can flip it up and rub it down too.

Course, that would be
entirely up to you, mum.

Captain Sham

at your service.

He's lying. He's Count Olaf.

That... That horrible man
you warned me about?

- Where? Who?
- Right in front of you.

- Where's he at?
- Behind Captain Sham?

I'll show him a ting or two.

I'll give him the ol' wax on,
wax off, me son.

Captain Sham is Count Olaf.

I'm not going through this again.

Children of the corn!

Why did you do this to this poor man?

I'm so sorry. Sorry.

That's gonna smart in the mornin'.

I don't pay that no never mind, mum.

He's just a boy barely out
of his OshKosh B'Gosh.

I've had to deal with that
ever since me leg was chewed off

by the Lachrymose leeches.

Why didn't I wait an hour
before swimmin'?

Why? Why? Why?

- The leeches took my husband too.
- Get out of town.

No, really.

By jeez, them blasted leeches
doomed me to a life of hoppin', they did.

Sure I get the good parkin' spots,

but who could love a man with one leg
and a face like a hen's arse?

I'm as lonely as a gull on a rock, girl.

Oh, Captain Sham.

Would you come to my house
for dinner this evening?

- No.
- No.

I don't know about that, mum.

I'm afeared I might scuff up the floors
with this old cribbage peg.

Well, I will lay down newspapers.

Please, the children are going to
make a lovely dinner of Puttanesca.

The very meal I ate
before they took me leg!

Oh, my goodness. Well, children,

I'm going to take Captain Sham home.

And you stay here and shop for
an entirely Puttanesca-free dinner.

- But...
- "But" is not a sentence, Klaus.

- Aunt Josephine.
- Hey!

You haven't paid for that.

Kids today.

Aunt Josephine?

- Are you here?
- Aunt Jo?

- Are you here?
- Aunt Josephine?

Aunt Jo.

Oh, no. No!

We're too late.

What does it say?

It's a suicide note.

"Violet, Klaus and Sunny,

"by the time you read this
my life will be at its end.

"My heart is as cold as lke
and I find life inbearable."

- "Inbearable"?
- Go on.

"I know you may not understand
the sad life of a dowadger..."

- "Dowager" has one "D".
- Doesn't matter. Keep going.

"...or what would have led
to this desperate act."

"Act" is spelt with a "C".

Why are you checking her spelling?

Her greatest joy was grammar.
Why is she making all these mistakes?

If you were about to jump out a window,
you might make a few mistakes too.

"Please know that I am happier this way.

"As my last will, I leave you
in the care of Captain Sham,

"a kind and honourable man."

That was his plan.

He made her write this
and then pushed her out the window.

No, it's not a suicide note.
It's a message.

It's not supposed to be "lke,"
it's supposed to be "ice" with a "C".

"Unbearable" with a "U".

All the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.

She's not dead. She's hiding.

Curdled Cave?

Sunny!

He was investigating fires.

Klaus, we gotta go.

- Come away from the fridge.
- What?

If it falls, it could crush you flat.

No way.

Is it over?

Violet, you better tie your hair up.

Violet, ideas?

Bring me that fire extinguisher.

Why?

Because we need to move this anchor
over there.

- What?
- Just help me.

On three, we're gonna break that beam.

- Break it?
- Yes.

- That's the only thing keeping us up.
- Exactly.

- Sure you tied your hair tight enough?
- On three.

One.

Two.

Three.

Wait.

Hold on, Sunny. Now!

What do we do now?

She's alive.
We have to go to the authorities.

No.

- What?
- They won't listen. They never listen.

It's Olaf. He'll never stop.
We have to find her ourselves.

Hey, you kids. It's Captain Sham,
your new guardian.

You just stay where you're at
and we'll come where you're to.

Ever read any books on sailing?

Klaus had read exactly
15 books on sailing

and two books on meteorology.

But it is one thing
to do something in theory,

another to do it in practise.

Little could have prepared them
for the crossing to Curdled Cave

at the hands of an angry
and ill-humoured lake.

But as the storm passed
and the waters calmed,

the Baudelaires couldn't help but feel
a small sense of accomplishment.

A rare moment of joy
in their otherwise woeful lives.

They had made it.

And if their guardian
could not rescue them,

then they would rescue their guardian.

Aunt Josephine?

Are you in here?

Aunt Josephine!

Children, you did it!

You deciphered the clues in my note.

We're so glad you're okay.

It was so horrible.

Count Olaf forced me to write that will
and then it nearly killed me

to add in all those grammatical errors.

- So did you bring groceries?
- Groceries?

- We just came through a storm.
- Well, so?

How do you expect us to live in
this cave if you didn't bring any food?

Live in the cave?

No, Aunt Josephine,
you have to come back with us.

You willed us to Captain Sham.
You're proof it's a lie.

No, no, no.

- It's too dangerous. I'm sorry.
- Too dangerous?

You're supposed to take care of us.

I'm not going to talk about it any more.

You know, Aunt Josephine,
Curdled Cave is for sale.

So?

So, before too long,
people are gonna come to look at it

and some of those people
will be realtors.

Aunt Josephine, what does this mean?

- Where did you find that?
- I found it in lke's room.

The fires.

Why was he investigating fires?

We all were. Uncle Monty, lke and...

Our parents.

They were our leaders.

Children, there are good people

and bad people in the world.

The ones who start the fires
and the ones who put them out.

- Who's doing this?
- Is it Olaf?

I've said too much already.

Your parents knew the answer
and look what happened to them.

Our parents?

What did they say?

We should never have left that cave.

It's not too late for us to turn around.
I'll take my chances with the realtors.

Aunt Josephine,
what did our parents say?

We're going to die.

What?

It's the leeches!

I guess it's a good thing none of us
have eaten in a while, then.

Guess again.

Aunt Josephine.

There's a crack in the boat!

Klaus, what do we do?

They're eating the boat!

We're sinking, sinking, sinking.

- Klaus, paddle, please.
- Doomed. Doomed.

Aunt Josephine, that is not helping.

There's a boat. Over here! Over here!

But as unpleasant as
Lachrymose leeches can be,

there was something far more
unpleasant arriving out of the fog.

Hello, hello, hello.

I missed you guys.

Looks like you could
use a little assistance.

You're gonna need assistance
when we get to town.

Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone.

Then I'll be sent to jail and you'll
live happily with a friendly guardian,

inventing and reading books,
and sharpening your little monkey teeth.

Bravery and nobility will prevail at last

and this wicked world will become
a place of cheerful harmony.

Everyone will be singing, dancing
and giggling like the Littlest Elf.

A happy ending.
Is that what you had in mind?

Because I hardly think that anybody
is going to believe a dead woman.

You won't touch her. She's gonna tell
everyone what happened.

I won't tell anybody anything, I promise.

Don't throw me to the leeches.
You can have the fortune, the children.

Aunt Josephine!

- Please.
- Welcome aboard.

Hot potato.

I'll go away. I'll dye my hair,
I'll change my name.

- But what about us?
- Quiet, child. The adults are talking.

- I suppose I don't have to kill you.
- No.

On the other hand,
with that little stunt at the window,

you hadn't been
a very trustworthy person.

But

I could show a little mercy.

Haven't.

What?

You said "hadn't." That's bad grammar.

You should've said,

"You haven't been
a very trustworthy person."

Thank you for correcting me.

Not at all.

No. No, no, no, Aunt Josephine.

- You can't!
- Wait!

Jump!

Well, you get the picture.

Aunt Josephine.

Well, we've done all we can do.

Everybody be cool.

Children?

- Is that you?
- Mr Poe!

- We're...
- Drowning.

I saved him! I saved the boy
from the leeches!

Back to the depths, you fingery devils.

You will not devour
this boy's head today.

Count Olaf? What are you doing here?

Mr Poe, please.

Count Olaf,
what are you doin' here, man?

I know, I know, I shouldn't have come.

But when I heard the children
were in danger, I had to.

Even if I'm not fit to be their guardian.

It appears I was wrong about you,
Count Olaf.

- No.
- No.

No.

You have proven yourself to be
an exceptionally capable guardian.

I would be remiss if I did not place
the children with you immediately.

- If it weren't for you, the...
- Don't say it!

I can't stand the thought
of losing my little treasures.

Even the thought of the inheritance
would be a reminder of my heartache.

There's no need to fret about that.

The law clearly states that you would
not inherit the Baudelaire fortune

- if anything happened to the children.
- Say what?

With the exception, of course,
of blood relatives and married couples.

Really?

Mr Poe, have I told you
about our new play?

Critic.

Your cape, sir.

Don't try to get on my good side.

What is he up to?
Why are we in the play?

He's using this as a prop.

It says that if two people are married,
they're entitled to any money

- that either of them has.
- No, but it's just a play.

He can't get our fortune
by marrying me in a play.

Oh, can't I? Conspirators.

Caesar must die.
Caesar must die. Caesar must die.

In order to be valid,
it has to be administered

by a bona fide justice of the peace.
It says so right here.

Justice Strauss,
are you ready for your debut?

Thank you.

Look at you.
Violet, you look so beautiful.

You are the bride, I'm the judge.
Who's the groom?

No, you don't understand.
The play is real.

Yes! Yes.

It must be real. That's why I cast you.

All the other actors I saw
lacked the proper...

What's the word I'm looking for?

- Hair?
- Hands?

Verisimilitude.

Now remember, Justice Strauss,
you must say the words

as you would in a real wedding.
Get it absolutely right.

There are talent scouts
looking for someone your age.

It's all riding on this one.

Why did you have to tell me that?

- Oh, my God.
- Take her to makeup.

Enjoy! Embrace the butterflies.

This is ridiculous.

Violet's only 14.
She can't be legally married.

She can if she has the permission
of her guardian. Who's that?

Me!

Look it up, bookworm.

Yes. Once you say "I do"
and sign the certificate,

you'll really be my loverly bride.

You'll cook and clean
and massage my bunions

and clip my thick yellow toenails.

Hey, marriage is no picnic.

You gotta work at it.

I'll never say "I do". Never.

I think you might,

once you look up there.

Let her go!

Gladly. Let her go.

- No!
- Put a hold on that.

If you don't say "I do",

or if anything should happen
to interrupt this performance,

I say one word into this
and down will come baby,

cradle and all.

How could you? She's an infant.

Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet.

Violet.

You're 14 years old.

You should know by now that
you can't have everything you want.

You want a life of happiness?
A roof over your head?

A place to call your own
and all that jazz?

And what about what I want?

I want that enormous fortune

and for all investigations
against me to cease.

You're going to help me get what I want.

Tonight.

My public awaits.

Ladies and gentlemen, could you
put your appendages together

for The Marvelouse Marriage.

No, you're not going to
go through with this.

- I have to.
- No, come on.

There's always something.
There's always something.

No, not this time.

- But...
- Camel, you're on.

- Go, Klaus.
- Violet...

Go!

Move your hump, camel, you're on.

Nothing in the world will keep the count
from his beloved bride

Nothing in the world
Nothing in the world

Nothing, nothing

What a marvellous day for a marriage.

If only the handsome count
were here to claim his bride.

With his full head of hair
and great bravery,

the count has no equal.

What would Violet do?

- The courageous battle...
- What would Violet do?

...has waylaid him.

There's always something.
There's always something.

And the quiet, bald-headed suitor
has stolen the bride's affections.

Alas. The groom is a cad.

And nowhere near as handsome
as the count.

If only for a miracle.

Some way for the handsome count
to come and save...

What a thoroughly
un-marvellous marriage this will be.

But wait.

What is that?

It's the count in his autogiro.

I didn't know they had
this kind of budget.

Yes, it is I, come to marry my bride.

And you, sir,

have been taken by surprise.

Caution. This next scene
could get pretty graphic.

Away, rapscallion!

Hairless lothario!

Take that! And that!

Can I get some slack?

Let the wedding begin.

Don't look down.

"Do you,

"Count Olaf, take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife,

"in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?"

Until death?

I most certainly do.

"Do you, Violet Baudelaire,
take this Count Olaf,

"to be your lawfully wedded husband,

"in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?"

Justice Strauss, I...

I do.

- She doesn't deserve him.
- No.

- Are you thinking that too?
- No, she doesn't.

Now, all that is left for this happy couple

is to sign the marriage certificate,
and this union shall be...

Official

and legal.

Sunny, where's the key?
The key to the lock.

The eye!

Right hand, please.

Children, I'm afraid I must inform you

of an extremely unfortunate event.

I'm very sorry to tell you
your parents have perished in a fire

that's destroyed your entire home.

These things don't just happen.

Come on, come on, come on!

Behind you!

Look what I did to your pretty little home.

Let's finish it.

Boss?

What is it? Kinda busy right now.

- We've got a problem.
- Where are you?

Look up.

Hi.

- And so concludes our play!
- No! Wait! It wasn't a play!

Olaf was gonna kill Sunny
if I didn't go through with it.

Ridiculous.

No, you have to listen to me.

He was only marrying me
to get to the Baudelaire fortune.

No, that part is true, actually.

Violet and I are, indeed,
a blissfully wedded couple,

because, you see,

we were married in an official ceremony

with official and legal vows in front
of a bona fide justice of the peace.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

I'm sorry! I didn't know!

First order of business.

Put the other two brats
up for adoption separately,

into the far corners of the Earth.

These children are meddlesome
when they're together.

- Mr Poe.
- You unspeakable cad!

Arrest him!

For what?

- For being a greedy monster!
- Come on.

I'm the monster?

You're the monster.

Come on. Come on.

These children tried to tell you,
but you wouldn't listen.

No one ever listens to children.

- Come on. Come on.
- You think you're innocent?

You're accomplices.

This certificate says
that I have the fortune now.

Come on.

And there's nothing you can do about it!

What do you think? Too diabolical?

Give me some feedback.

Marriage is no picnic.

Oh, and by the way,
you're a terrible actor.

Now, now.

Let's keep our heads here.

If you do anything to me,
you're just sinking to my level.

Not to mention setting
a terrible example for the children.

Guilty.

I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf

was captured for crimes
too numerous to mention.

And before serving his life sentence,

it was the judge's decree
that Olaf be made to suffer

every hardship that
he forced upon the children.

Get out! Get out!

Oh, no.

The Baudelaires had triumphed,

a word which here means "unmasking
a cruel and talentless arsonist,

"and solving the mystery
of the Baudelaire fire."

If only justice were as kind.

Count Olaf vanished after a jury
of his peers overturned his sentence.

As for the Baudelaires,
what lay ahead for them was unclear.

But one thing they knew,

as they climbed once again
into the back of Mr Poe's car.

They were moving on.

Don't worry, children.

I'm sure the authorities will catch up
with Count Olaf very soon.

We'll all never have to deal
with that terrible man again.

Before we leave,

perhaps there's time
for just one last stop.

"Violet, Klaus and Sunny."
It's addressed to us.

Look at all these postmarks.

It's been to England

and Rome and Kenya and Iceland.

- I don't know where these are from.
- Who's it from?

Mom and Dad.

It's the letter.

The letter that never came.

"Dearest children,

"since we've been abroad
we have missed you all so much.

"Certain events have compelled us
to extend our travels.

"One day, when you're older,

"you will learn all about the people
we have befriended

"and the dangers we have faced.

"At times the world can seem
an unfriendly and sinister place.

"But believe us when we say that
there is much more good in it than bad.

"All you have to do is look hard enough.

"And what might seem to be
a series of unfortunate events

"may, in fact,
be the first steps of a journey.

"We hope to have you back
in our arms soon, darlings.

"But in case this letter
arrives before our return,

"know that we love you.

"It fills us with pride to know that
no matter what happens in this life,

"that you will take care of each other
with kindness and bravery

"and selflessness, as you always have.

"And remember one thing,
my darlings, and never forget it.

"That no matter where we are, know
that as long as you have each other,

"you have your family and you are home.

"Your loving parents."

Passing the torch is a rite of passage
that can take many forms.

But perhaps the least known
and most surprising

is the passing of a spyglass.

Dear reader, there are people in the
world who know no misery and woe,

and they take comfort in cheerful films

about twittering birds
and giggling elves.

There are people who know that
there's always a mystery to be solved,

and they take comfort in researching

and writing down
any important evidence.

But this story is not about such people.

This story is about the Baudelaires.

And they are the sort of people who
know that there's always something.

Something to invent, something to read,

something to bite and something to do

to make a sanctuary,
no matter how small.

And for this reason, I am happy to say,

the Baudelaires
were very fortunate indeed.

Oh, the captain loved the ladies

But he dragged himself a wife

Now he's wishin' he was fishin'
But he's on the hook for life

Well, I guess he shouldn't of oughta
But he drowned her in the water

And then a flounder downed her
That's why they never found her

Bum buttery flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh

Bum buttery bluebird is singing a tune

Daffodil dillies awaken and prune

Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume

It's a loverly, loverly spring

Chit-chattery chipmunks
all singing along

Humming their
join-in-a-spring-along song

Spring is the springiest time for a song

It's a loverly, loverly spring

In the forest we play
with the rabbits all day

We visit the birdies and fishes

There's nary a care
when there's spring in the air

The feeling is just too delicious

Bum buttery buttercups all in a row

Trilling and frilling
and stealing the show

May is the merriest month that I know

It's a loverly, loverly
La la loverly

La la loverly spring