A Pyromaniac's Love Story (1995) - full transcript

[Lighthearted music]

*

Kiss me.

No.

Kiss me! Now.

Uhh--unh!

[Muffled protests]

She must be some girl.

Tell her she's lucky...

Whoever she is.

[Bells jingle]



(Sergio)
The "lucky" girl's name
was Hattie.

Only she didn't know
that she was all that lucky.

'Cause, you see, to Hattie,
we were just friends.

But to me, she was, well--
she was more.

Much more.

And if I had my way,
someday she would be mine.

(Woman)
Say you're sorry.

[Male voice straining]
(Woman)
Say you're sorry!

[Straining]
(Woman)
She's killing him.

What'd he say?

[Man straining unintelligibly]

It's good he's sorry.
[Coughs]

[Sighs]
Wonderful!

Aah!



Now that that's
all over with,

breakfast is on the house.

You listen to me.

I'm a good patron
of this place.

Never have I been treated
like this!

You can expect to hear
from my lawyer.

Yeah, well you can tell him
from me

that pinching my ass
isn't on the menu.

(Woman)
Did you pinch her ass?

(Man)
What? No.
Did you pinch her ass?

No. No.
You pinched her ass!

Howard,
you pinched her ass!

[Couple leave arguing]

Please.
You need to be
in therapy.

You're a pig.
Something's wrong with you.

Hey!
Hey, mister!

Miss! Mister!

Hey.
Aah!

Don't be afraid, lady,
I'm not gonna hurt you.

What do you want?

Here, you dropped your wallet
back over there.

Count it, Howard.
These people are thieves.

They're thieves.
Count it!

Count the money.

Vicki, shut up!

Thanks.

Hattie's something else,
isn't she?

She's got a real flair
for the way she feels.

Yeah, she's got a flair,
all right--a real flair.

Stop talking to him.
Let's get out of here.

[Engine starts]

You gotta remember not to let
her grab you by the collar,

'cause if you slip her,
you can get it.

But if she gets you
by the collar,

she's got you
and you gotta give.

I'm gonna marry her.

Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah.

Well, let me give you
a little advice.

Don't wear a tie
to the wedding.

[Chuckles]
All right.

Close the window.

Okay. See ya.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Uh, Mr. Linzer,
I'm gonna go now.

Anything you need?

No. Go, go.

How come you don't come
to our house

for dinner anymore,
Sergio?

You mad at US?

I'll come.

You say you'll come,
but you don't come.

I will.

You say you will,
but you don't come.

Leave the boy alone.

Look at the look
on his face.

Cupid dances
on his eyelids.

Ha.

I'll come.

I will.

[Bells on door jingle]

Do you remember being
in love like that?

Man, oh, man,
have I got a story

of what happened to me
last night.

I was just mopping--
mop, mop, mop--

when this beautiful woman
comes into the store,

and she's dressed rich,
but nice.

And I say,
"look, we're closed."

But she doesn't move.
She just stays right there.

Are you sure
you weren't dreaming?

Yeah, you know,
I thought about that,

so I bit myself
and it hurt.

You're lucky, Sergio.
Things happen to you.

Nothing ever happens to me.

But I'm gonna change
all that.

Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go
and see the world.

You're gonna go see
the world?
Yeah.

Where you gonna go?

I don't know,
France maybe,

or Italy, or Africa.

Don't you want to see
different places for a change?

I don't know.
I like it here.

See, that's the difference
between me and you.

I have aspirations.

I'm saving my money
to see the world,

and you don't even have
a dime.

But I'm gonna be manager
of linzer's someday, you know.

I'm gonna have plenty
of money then.

Yeah, "someday."

Who needs money, anyway?

Everybody needs money.

You gotta have money
to go places,

to see different
new things.

[Knocking on window]

(Sergio)
I can't, I'm s--

no, i--tomorrow.

Tomorrow, all right?
Tomorrow.

Hattie.

What if--
what if I save my money?

Could I go with you?

You want to see the world
with me?

Yeah.
Could I go?

Yeah.
Yeah, if you want to.

Okay, that's it.
That's it.

That does it.
That does it.

Tomorrow I'm marching down
to Mr. Linzer,

and I'm demanding
to be made manager.

You see?
That's aspiration.

But you better hurry 'cause
I'm not waiting forever.

Sir, come on,
give me a break.

Get off my car.

Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm going with Hattie.

I'm sorry. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

So, um...

What are you--what are you
planning to do first?

I mean, you got a lot
of dreams, don't you?

Yeah.

What's the first order
of business?

Doesn't really matter.

[Conversation fades]

[Paper tears]

Mr. Linzer, can I have
a word with you?

Mr. Linzer.

Is something wrong?

Drop it.

Mr. Linzer,
we're like family.

You can tell me anything.

[Sighs]

You know something?

You're a good boy.

You care for other people,
like your father.

God rest his soul.

Times are bad.

This place is doing
very bad.

I'm afraid I'm gonna
lose this place

to the bill collectors.

No.
Mm.

I don't mind having nothing.
I am a man.

But Mrs. Linzer...

I can't watch her live
like a dog.

No, I love her more
than the air I breathe.

I would rather die

than to tell her I could not
provide for her.

But you do provide.
You provide her with everything.

Do you know what it's like...

To love someone so much...

You would do anything
for them?

I do.

You do.

Burn this place!

Burn?

If there were a fire--
a small fire--

the insurance
would save me.

You want me to burn
this place?

Not a big fire.

A small fire.
A strong fire.

A good fire.

Just enough to burn everything
to the ground.

Sergio...

I'm desperate.

I'm simply desperate.

There's no other way.

But this is--this is
your life, Mr. Linzer.

Everything that you
work for

is built around you
right now.

You can't just
burn it down.

It's like a member
of your family, Mr. Linzer.

Look--look at the ovens
in the kitchen, huh?

And how 'bout these walls?

W-What about the windows

and these beaten up
wooden floors?

Mr. Linzer, look,
it's like a part of you.

If you burn this down,
it's gonna be gone.

Yes, I do love
this place. Yes.

Then you'll find a way
of paying the bills.

You've had hard times
before.

Oh, Sergio...

Sergio, you're right.

And you don't have
to pay me right away.

Oh, no, no, no.

I want you to be paid.
[Register rings]

Here...

Take it.

And you're not gonna burn
this place down?

You have my word.

Okay.

Okay.

Sergio, I pray
it will never happen to you,

but it happens
to every man.

You will have to choose
between two things you love.

All I love is Hattie.

[Sighs]
So...

You said you'd ask.

He doesn't have the money
right now.

I said I'd wait,
but not forever.

She drives me crazy.

You know, I'm saving
every penny I got,

but at this pace
I'm gonna be at least 110

by the time I have
enough money.

And by then
Hattie's gonna be in France...

With some French guy.

You know, to tell you
the truth,

I like you, Sergio.

You're no Richie rich,
but you got a good heart.

If it were up to me,
I've got no problem

with the two of you
getting together.

But she's got this idea
about seeing the world.

So I tell her, "Hattie,
watch national geographic.

Save your money."

(Sergio)
I would not give up.

I worked, and I saved,
and I thought about Hattie.

Every day my love for her
just grew more

and more and more

until sometimes I would forget
to breathe.

[Thud]

He forgot to breathe again.

Hmm.

(Sergio)
I know this may
sound strange,

but I pictured US
and the places we would go.

It didn't matter to me
if it were London, or Paris,

or France, or some hot,
sweaty jungle somewhere.

You see, the feeling was
always the same

because I was with Hattie
and she was with me.

Well, looking back now,
it was all so simple then.

And that's when it all
went wrong.

[Sirens blaring]

[Dispatch radio droning]
[Overlapping orders]

[Firemen shouting
indistinctly]

(Fireman)
Get in there.
Right there.

Sergio. Sergio.

Thank god.

Thank god you are okay.

Yeah, I'm okay.

I'm--I'm fine.
I'm okay.

Sergio.

Hey!

Is something wrong
with you?

Please, Hattie, please.

Right now I got
a lot of thoughts

flying through my head,
okay?

Mr. Linzer is watching his life
go up in flames.

What could be worse
than that?

Things.

Things that you'll
never know.

Things?
Yes, things.

Like what could be
so special?

Like...

I don't have a job.

How can you be
so selfish?

Selfish?

Everybody else is
around here.

Nobody's thinking
of Sergio cucho,

and where's Sergio
gonna sleep tomorrow,

or how Sergio
gonna eat tomorrow.

And in case you haven't noticed,
I'm not Richie rich.

That place was everything
I had, Hattie.

But you know what?

From now on,
I'm just gonna think of me.

Sergio cucho, me.

[Distant siren]

[Broken glass tinkles]

[Door opens, bell jingles]

Oh, sorry, i--

I didn't mean
to surprise you.

Fires make people
jumpy, huh?

[Chuckles]

Uh...are you the owner?

No, I just work here.

I mean,
I used to work here.

Yeah, yeah.

Who are you?

Uh, I'm just a guy
who likes fire, that's all.

Yeah, well, you're late.

You shoulda been here
yesterday.

I'm Jerry Fitzpatrick.

Nice meeting you.

Oh, um, I'm sorry.

Oh. Oh, boy.

Are you
with the fire department?

Uh, no, no.

No, I'm not.
Jeez.

Wh--what's your name?

Sergio.
And I don't--

I don't know
who started the fire.

I didn't say you knew
who started the fire.

Yeah, but you
were thinking it.

I was thinking
no such thing.

Just the opposite.

What I was thinking was,

"that kid looks like
an honest kid."

Yeah. Yeah.
[Loud clatter]

You got that right.

Good. Good.

Because that's exactly
what I was thinking.

[Sighs]

Wanna go for a ride?

Huh?

Feel like taking
a ride somewhere?

This--this air we're breathing,
it's not very good for you.

It's, uh--
it's hurting my lungs.

I used to have asthma
as a kid.

Yeah.

Who knows what the hell
we're breathing in here, huh?

(Sergio)
So what exactly is it
that you do for a living?

(Fitzpatrick)
I work for Mr. Lumpke.

Drugs?

[Chuckles]

Mr. Lumpke makes wigs.

What, wigs like in hair?

Hair for women.
Toupee for men.

See this hair I have
on top of my head?

Yeah.

One of the finest toupees
made today.

That's not your hair?

[Chuckles]
Amazing, isn't it, huh?

You can actually make a living
doing that?

A very good living.

Hairlessness is a scourge
that must be stopped.

(Sergio)
Jerry seemed
like a nice enough man,

and so I told him
about me and Hattie.

That now since
I had no job,

I had no chance
of going away with her.

Jerry said he knew
about a job.

[Door shuts]

[Chuckles]

Sorry for making you wait,

but Mr. Lumpke's
very, very eager to meet you.

Come on. Come on.

[Door opens]

Sergio. Tom lumpke.

Very nice to meet you.

Same.

I hope we're not
inconveniencing you.

No, no, that's okay.

Well, Jerry here
can sometimes seem imposing.

I'm a terror.
[Laughter]

Well, sit down.
Sit down, please.

Make yourself comfortable,
for Pete's sake.

[Chuckling]

Sit.
Thank you.

Well...

Jerry tells me that you worked
at that store

where they had
that terrible fire.

Yeah.

Was anyone hurt?
No.

Good.
That's very good.

Relieved here.

I'm sure you're wondering
why Jerry brought you here.

Yeah, well, he said there
was something about a job.

Well, a job, yes.
A job of sorts.

Let me explain.

Would you like something
to drink? Jerry--

no, no, no.

What's the job?

[Sighs]

I have a son your age,

and he's...

Not as good a boy as you.

But he's the only family
I've got.

I love him very much.

But sometimes
he can be difficult.

He can be very,
very difficult.

You see, my son...

My son...

My boy...

Set that awful fire.

Y-Your son started
the linzer fire?!

Yes.

And he will go
to jail.

You see, he's been
in trouble before,

so he will go to jail.

And that's not
where he belongs

because down inside

he's a good boy.

He's a boy with talent!

Every day
I ask myself,

why couldn't he be
an ordinary kid, you know?

But it's always something.
It is always something.

Why would he--

why would he burn down
Mr. Linzer's store?

Believe me, I don't know.

But he did it.

He did it.

And it's killing me.

It's killing me, Sergio.

What do you want
from me?

[Sighs]

If someone
were to take the blame

for that fire...

Somebody who's never been
in trouble before.

They would receive
a minimal sentence.

Very minimal.

Probation at most.

And I would give them
a reward for saving my son.

Sergio, I will pay you
to take the blame for this fire.

$25,000, Sergio.

[Chuckles]
That's $25,000!

I don't believe you're saying
what you're saying.

Sergio,
before you say no,

just think about it.

No! No way! No!

Sergio, please.
I'm begging you.

It's not for me,
it's for my boy.

It's for my son.
I--i can't.

I-i-I'm sorry,
I can't do it.

I--i just--i can't.
Yeah.

I understand.

Well...

I apologize
for insulting you.

Please forgive me.

[Stifled cry]

[Sniffs]

Let me ask you something.

Uh, was the guy who owned
the restaurant insured?

Yeah.

Then he wins.

How do you mean?

He gets his money.

A--and if you decide
to take this offer--

not saying you will,
but if you do--

then you win too.

Well, how's that?

Get out of here
with your girl.

What would Hattie say
if she thought

that I burned down
Mr. Linzer's place?

She would be blown away!

Girls love gestures.

You bring them flowers.

You open up a door
for them.

Burn down a place,
whatever.

If she found out that you
torched that place for her,

ha, she--she will fall
into your arms

like a sack of Rose petals.

Sergio.

Sergio. Sergio.
Stop one second, please.

All I'm saying
is that this is a situation

that's difficult to look at
from one angle

because--because nobody's right,
but everybody wins.

The--the guy who owns the store,
he gets his insurance money.

Mr. Lumpke's son
stays out of jail.

And--and you
get the money,

you get the girl,
and everybody's happy.

Sergio.
Sergio, look at me.

Look at me.

Looking back now
at my life,

[inhales]
I wish I had the same chance
you have now, kid.

Take the money.

And you and Hattie,

you're gonna live
happily ever after.

And if I don't?

If you don't--

if you don't,

maybe somebody's gonna build
a store here in a couple years.

Maybe. And maybe
they'll need a helper.

And maybe you'll get to wait
on Hattie and her husband

when they come to visit.

Take it.
Take the money, kid.

Sergio!

Where have you been?
Something terrible has happened.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

How do you know?

How do I know what?

They took Mr. Linzer in
for questioning.

What? Why?

They think he started
the fire.

Yeah, but Mr. Linzer
didn't start the fire.

Hey, where you going?

You remember when you said

you would wait for me to get
the money to see the world?

Yeah, so?
Would you?

It won't be long,
I swear.

Yeah, yeah,
I'll--I'll wait.

You--you swear?
Swear.

Okay, okay. I swear.
Swear?

Sergio!

(Mr. Lumpke)
So I-I took him out
of public school

and I, uh, I sent him
to military school,

make a man out of him,
you know.

Well, that, uh,
it worked for awhile.

And then, uh...

His mother died.

And, uh,

i-i--something happened
to him.

It was just--

[chokes up]

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't--
don't, Mr. Lumpke, please.

Oh. You know, please
don't do that.

Could you make him
stop, please?

I can't. You're like a Saint
to this man.

You're saving my son's life,
do you understand that?

I would do anything
for this boy, Jerry.

We'll get him a toupee.

No cost.

You're a very brave
young man.

No, yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

You're willing
to sacrifice

to get what you want
out of life.

Tomorrow,
we're gonna go downtown.

We're gonna set up
an account in his name

with the money that only you
can touch, huh?

Yeah, okay.

Of course, if you don't think
that would be safe,

I could give you the money
in cash.

No, no, no.
It's--it's not that.

I just...

I-I just want you
to know somethin'.

I'm not--I'm not the kind
of guy who does this thing

on a regular basis.

No, no.
I understand.

We understand.
Please, Sergio, please.

I'm--I'm not.

We understand that.

Look, please, Sergio,

I want you to understand.

As far
as anybody's concerned,

you started this fire

and no one could ever know
what we've said here today, huh?

Nobody.

[Exhales]
Okay.

I'm--I'm a man of my word,
Mr. Lumpke.

And when I say that i--
I'm not gonna tell anybody,

I'm not gonna tell.

I know that. Good boy.

He's a good boy.

He's a great boy.

Mm. And that's
a great wine.

I'm gonna get some of this
for the house.

[Soft chatter]

Something happened to me
at that moment.

For the first time
in my life,

I hated someone.

Someone that I didn't
even know.

I began to hate
the guy who started the fire.

And the more I thought of him
far, far away from all this,

I hated him more.

And for the first time,
my mind wasn't on Hattie,

but it was on what Hattie
believed,

that the rich could do
whatever they want.

That guy, wherever he was,

was free, and I wasn't.

I spent that night
just thinking of his face.

Imagining him laughing
and laughing,

having a good time,

while I just sat in my room
hating him more.

So I tried not to think
of this

and instead I thought
of Hattie.

And I tried to go to sleep.

Sergio.
How's it goin'?

Good morning, Sergio.

There's something
I gotta talk to you about.

Have a seat.

You feelin' okay?

You know the linzer fire?

Yeah.

Mr. Linzer didn't do it.

What?

It was me!

[Thud]

[Sighs]

[Water pours]

Sergio, what day
is it today?

Thursday.

Good, good, good.

Who was the 16th president
of the United States?

I didn't know that
before I knocked myself out.

Ah.

I got just one question.
Why?

Why?
Why would you have any reason
to start that fire?

It just came over me.

Just came over you.
Hmm. Just came over you.

All right.
Then answer me this.

How'd you start the fire?

How do you mean?

Well, this fire was started
in a very interesting way.

How'd you start the fire?

I-I-I don't have
to tell anything.

What is it,
some kind of secret?

Since when does a guy
have to prove

that he's guilty nowadays?

Sergio,

I do not know why
you're saying you did this.

But I can tell you
one thing.

This is forever.

This will go
on your record forever.

And the truth is you're
probably gonna do some time.

Good morning, Mrs. Olden.

Oh, good morning.
Good morning.

How are you today?
Much better.

They catch him,

the bastard who burned
the linzer's place.

Yeah.
Yeah.

And you will never believe it
who did it.

Who?
Our Sergio!

What did you just say?

I said that Sergio
burned the linzer's place.

Nah, you're makin'
some kind of mistake.

Oh, it's no mistake.

It's him.

He turned himself in.

[Muttering to himself
softly]

It--this is not as bad
as it looks.

What's goin' on?

Look, I can't go into it
right now,

but between you and me,
you're gonna be very happy.

You're in jail.

Yeah, I know.
Why?

You know, the fire.

I know the fire.
But you didn't set that fire.

Shh. Jesus, Hattie.
What are you tryin' to do, huh?

You tell me
what's goin' on.

I-I can't right now.
I can't right now.

But remember?

Remember? Remember you said
you would wait for me?

Oh, you got three seconds
to tell me what's goin' on
ah! Ah!

Or I'm gonna bust
your face in!
Not the hair!

Not the hair!
Please, not the hair!
One, two.

You better pray
they never let you out.

Trust me.
Trust me.

Look, I've got this
under control.

This is the best thing
for everyone.

'Scuse me.
Oh, this is it,
Hattie.

This is it. Oh.

I'm going up the river.
The big house. The clink.

Where are you taking him?

I'm not taking him anywhere.
He's free to go.

Explain.
I can't.

Who burned down
linzer's?

Me. I started the fire.

You didn't start
the fire.
I did.

You didn't.
I know you didn't.

Well, how would you know?

I know you'd never do
something like that.

Yeah, well,
I got reasons.
Give me one.

Look, I know this is
really hard to understand,

but that fire
made US a lot of money.

Someone paid you
to burn down linzer's?

Look. Look, Hattie,
take my word for it.

Everybody's gonna be
a winner for this.

And how's that?

Well, for one thing,
Mr. Linzer gets his insurance.

Number tw--
yeah?

Yeah.
And how does he do that
from jail?

What do you mean?

When Mr. Linzer found out
what you say you did,

he turned himself in.

He's taking the blame
for your fire!

Hattie, Hattie, please.
I'm sorry.

Go away!

Hattie. Hattie, I didn't--
I didn't know.

Just leave me
alone, okay?

I didn't know!

Hattie!

I-I didn't know!

Hattie!

Hattie!

[Door opens]

Thank you.
Thank you.

Mr. Linzer,
you don't look good.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm better than okay.
I'm just fine.

Good. Then tell me
what are you doing here?

I'm taking my place
where I belong.

Here among the criminals.

You're not a criminal,
Mr. Linzer.

I'm the criminal.

Look, you gotta tell them
that I did this.

Please, Mr. Linzer.
Please.

This is my fire.

I'm begging you.
Please. Please.

But you did this for me.
I am to blame.

It's time in my life
when I finally start paying

for my problems.

If I have
to lose everything...

Then so be it.

Great. Great. Does Mrs. Linzer
know about this?

When I learned of what
you had done,

I confessed to her
what I had told you.

About--about burning
the place?

About everything.
Everything?

Everything.

Mrs. Linzer has seen me
for who I really am.

She has...
She has left me.

She has left.

[Crying]
Oh, no,
don't do that.

Don't do that.
Mr. Linzer, please don't cry.

Don't--don't do that.
Please.

Okay, that's it.
That's it.

I'm not gonna let you
take the blame for this.

Mr. Linzer. Mr. Linzer,
I'm gonna get you out.

Don't get me out.

This is the place
where I belong,

among the unloved.

I'm gonna get you out.

I don't want out.
I want in.

Mr. Linzer,
this is crazy talk.

I'm gonna get you out.

If you get me out,
I'll break back in!

I don't care.

If you break back in, I'm gonna
break you right back out.

I want in!

I'm getting you out!

I want in. I want in!
I want in!

Al that night, I walked
the streets thinking.

The shop was burned
to the ground.

Mr. Linzer was in jail.

Hattie hated my guts.

Things couldn't get
any worse.

Or so I thought.

Excuse me.
Ah!

I'm looking for someone
named Sergio.

Do you know him?
Who are you?

I've come to deliver
a message.

Where can I find him?

I'm him.

Ha!

How much
did he pay you, huh?
Who?

My father.

How much did he pay you
to take the blame for my fire?

Don't answer that.
Want to know why?

'Cause I don't even want
to know, shit face!

You? You're the one
who started the fire?

Ah. Now there's
some quick thinking.

With brains like yours,
I'd be a fool to waste 'em.

I'm a menace to society.
I don't belong on the streets.

So don't get
any funny ideas!

What did I ever do
to you?

What did you do?
What did I do?

What did you do?
Yes, what did I do?

You're a thief.
You stole my fire.

You think startin'
a fire's easy?
No.

No, no, no, no. No.

It's not just
about lighting a match.

Any Jack-off
can light a match.

But to be a pyromaniac
with love in his heart...

Well, let's just say they don't
give night classes in that.

Move it!

(Sergio muffled)
Help! Help me!

Somebody save me!
Help!

[Banging]
Help! Help, somebody!

Save me! Please,
somebody, save me!

Oh!
Come on!

Thank you.

Move it!

Ow.

Move it, you.
Ow.

Little weasel.
Up the hill.

Up the hill.
Hear me?

[Grunts]

Where are we goin'?

Just shut up
and keep moving, you.

I'll fill you
so full of holes

you'll piss out
your shoulder blades.

Come on!

Okay. Fine. Fine.

You know what,
I deserve to die.

I-I-I just want you
to kill me.

Go ahead. Just put me
out of my misery.

Go ahead. Kill me.

Kill you?
Yeah. Go ahead.
Just--just shoot.

Go ahead.
Pull the trigger.

Just shut up and get off
the tracks, asshole.

Don't move.
All right.

What are you doin'?

Waiting for a train.

You mean for you?

Yes.

What--th--then what
am I doin'?

You're here as my witness.

I want you to tell Stephanie
that my love for her

was too great
to live with.

Here. Take this.

It's her address.

I want you to tell her
that you took the credit

for my fire.

And left me here with this last
desperate poem to her.

[Train whistle in distance]
'Cause she could never
be mine.

Let me--let me get
this straight.

You want to die
because I took the blame

for your fire.

I wanted to go to jail
for that fire.

But you ruined that!

Now all I want is for my death
to rest on the conscience

of Stephanie.

Aha. Because you wanted
to go to jail.

What, am I talking
to a wall here?!

[Train whistle blows]

Listen! Listen!
I think I got an idea.

Come on.
Get off the tracks!

This is my train!
You get off the tracks!

Come on,
give me the gun.

I'll shoot. I swear.

You're gonna have
to shoot me.

[Yelling, gunshots]

Ah ah aah!

Aah!

My train!
My train!

First you stole my fire

and now you made me miss
my train!

You know somethin',

you're really startin'
to piss me off.

[Grunts]

Hey. Hey you! Hey!

Hey, wait a second.

Wait a second.

Stay away!
Just stay away!

Who the hell do you think
you are anyway?

I'm sorry,
I just wanted to--

you don't get it,
do you?

You're in the middle
of a love story here.

I'm trying to give it
a good ending

and you keep
screwing it up!

Listen, you,
this is my love story.

And if you just had
one shred of a heart,

you'd at least
hear me out.

Did you just say
your love story?

Yes.

Huh.

Say, you know where a guy
can get a drink around here?

[Owl hoots]

(Sergio)
See, Mr. Linzer thought
that I burned the place down

so he turned himself in.

And now I gotta get him
out of jail somehow.

But I can't because I gave
your father my word

that I wouldn't
turn you in.

This is your
love story?

Right. Right.

And when your father
offered me the money,

I thought, wow,
this is my only chance

to see the world
with Hattie.

And I thought
that she'd be happy.

But she wasn't.
No. No.

Do you know what
she says to me?
What?

She says
that she hates my guts

and she never wants
to see me again.

Oh, despiteful love.

Unconstant womankind.

Oh, tiger's heart
wrapped in a woman's hide.

Come again?

When it comes to love,
my friend,

women cannot be trusted.

They say one thing,
they mean another.

They're evil.

They're the most evil
of all creatures.

Stephanie was the most
beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

I fell in love with her
the first moment

I ever set eyes on her perfect
beautiful face.

[Chuckles]

But how can anyone
ever love me?

You want somethin'?

I want love!

[Silence]

This is a love story.

The story of the unlovable.

About a man too horrible,
too grotesque

for the woman he loves.

Why?

Because women don't want
a man who loves them.

They want prince charming.

Who has two good legs.

Finally one day,
my Stephanie comes to me.

She tells me she's in love
with another man.

Better she should have
ripped out my heart

and shoved it down
the garbage disposal.

[Utensil clatters]

In just one night, this thief
stole my Stephanie's heart,

smothering her helpless lips

with kisses.

Telling her he would not
let her go

until she swore that she would
love him forever.

Damn.

Just one night, Sergio.

One night, this Romeo
stole from me

the only hope I ever had
of happiness.

Now I'm nothing.

Hey. Tell me where
the son of a bitch is

and I'll bring you
his eyes.

Thank you,
my good man.

But all she told me

is that he works
in a little pastry shop.

Pastry shop?
Yes.

Why? You don't know him,
do you?

No. No. No. No.

I-I-I don't know anybody.

A rage built inside me.

My rage slowly boiled,

and I was overcome
with the urge to burn something.

Anything, Sergio!

Don't you understand?
It was love.

Love turned me
into a pyromaniac.

That--that--that's original.

I wanted to be caught.

I wanted to go to jail.

To give up my freedom
for Stephanie.

Because I wanted her to see.

I wanted her to see
what her love had done to me.

Now--now I live amongst
the unloved.

I belong
in a maximum security prison

for men!

[Wails]

[Door opens]

I got an idea.

I-I got an idea about some
of the interesting things

you just said inside.

Oh, Sergio, Sergio,
Sergio.

You are the one
shining light

in this hellish hole.

This stinking swamp
of...Whatever.

You have saved my sorry,
despicable life.

For this,

I am forever
in your debt.

I know how you can
square things with me, garet.

Just say it, my friend.

Say it and it's yours.

You just gotta turn--
[Peeing]

You gotta turn yourself
in for the fire.

Turn myself in.
Yes.

For my own fire.
Yes.

Yes! Of course!

I'll turn myself in
for my own fire!

That's a great idea.

But--but surely
that's not enough to repay you.

Oh, no, no.
Believe me. Believe me.

That's plenty.

Oh, Sergio, you are
a prince among putzes.

Mwah.

[Laughs]

I'm going to do you a favor

that years from now
you'll thank me for.

[Whistles]
But I don't want to have
to thank you.

I don't want you to do me
any favors.

I don't want you to do
anything for me.

I'm very happy
with everything you've done.

Thank you.

I want you to show up
at the police station tomorrow,

that's all.

Tonight you saved
my life, Sergio.

A life of torment
and suffering.

And tomorrow,
I'm going to save yours.

Don't save my life!

Just show up
at the police station tomorrow!

You'll thank me!
[Laughs]

Oh!

[Cat meows]

[Groans]

[Gasps]

[Upbeat music]

*

What would you like?

I'm looking
for Hattie.

That's me.

Who are you?

Uh...

Do I know you?

[Laughs]

Look, if you decide
what you want,

I'll be back.

This is best
for everyone!

[Crowd oohs]

[Dishes clanking]

Where am I?

Don't worry, kid.
You'll be okay.

You just took
a shot to the head.

[Ambulance siren]

Oh, god.

This is bad.
This is bad.

You nearly
killed a man.

This is going too far.

He was kissing me.

This man could sue me
for everything I have.

I'll have nothing.

Would one kiss
have killed you?

Why don't you
let him kiss you?

I only wish
I had that option.

You know what I would do
if he kissed me?

Pucker up.

Look, pop.

I'm sorry.

I don't mean
to get you in trouble.

What are you doing
to these boys?

What do you mean?

You do something
to make them fall in love.

I didn't do anything.

I've never seen this guy
in my life.

I'm warning you,

as a father
who loves his daughter,

you stop whatever
it is you're doing.

I don't do anything.
Are you crazy?

I'm not crazy.

I'm a man.

Every man I know
is crazy.

I'm leaving.

Good, go home.
Leave me here to suffer.

No, I mean
the neighborhood.

I'm going away.

What are you talking about?
You got no money.

Where you gonna go?
What are you gonna do?

I saved enough money
to get a ticket someplace.

No.

No?

You go, uh...

Who's gonna be
my waitress?

Oh.

Is that all I am?
Your waitress?

Sergio, did you hear?

What?

Some guy
attacked Hattie.

What a mess.

Sent the poor bastard
to the hospital.

The guy,

did he have
two good legs?

[Elevator dings]

Mr. Lito,
what happened?

My little girl
is grown up.

Is Hattie okay?

She's fine.

But she's not here.

But thank you
for coming, Sergio.

[Grunts]

Mr. Lito,

what happened
to the guy she popped?

I'll be okay.

I'm a man.

[Laughing]

Garet?

Sergio!

Come here,
come here!

Oh, my god.
Look at that.

What happened
to you?

She tagged me
pretty good, huh?

Nearly knocked out
my front teeth.

Knocked me right out
like a light.

Bam!

[Laughs]

Hey.

They think
the shot to the head

is starting to make me act
a little weird.

But I feel superhuman,
like I can fly.

[Laughs]

[Upbeat music]

*

come on!
Faster, faster!

(Sergio)
Where were you today?

You were supposed
to turn yourself in.

I was going to,
but first I went

to do you
that favor.

What favor?

I wanted to save you
from heartache,

so I threw myself
at your Hattie girl.

[Shoes squeaking]

What?

Yeah, I wanted
to prove to you

a simple kiss
could turn a woman's heart.

Just like it did
my Stephanie.

But, wham-oh!

You kissed
my Hattie?

Sergio...

She's the most amazing woman
I've ever been punched by

in my life.
Yeah, well, she--

she certainly has
a flare, doesn't she?

A flare?
A flare like a nuclear bomb!

Not only did she
not fall in love with me,

she nearly killed me!

I was gonna go
to jail

with the belief
that in this whole world,

there's not
one complete--

you know,
total complete woman.

And now
I've met Hattie.

Hey, what--

what about--
what about that girl

that you're--
you're in love with?

Stephanie potts?

She is without passion.

Hey.

Ahh.

Sweet nurse.

I'm overflowing
with love.

Kiss me.

Shut up, you.

It's back to your room.
And you, out.

Hey, garet,
we got a deal, right?

You're gonna turn yourself in
tomorrow, right?

Of course
we got a deal, Sergio.

We got a deal!

[Upbeat music]

*

Who's in charge here?

Who is in charge here?

What do you need,
Mrs. Linzer?

I want to turn
myself in.

I am a criminal.

And what have you done?

I burned
my husband's shop down.

And so that night,

I decided
to save my husband,

by setting
the shop on fire.

Mr. Linzer
is only trying to save me

by taking the blame
for this terrible fire.

He knew nothing
about it.

Mrs. Linzer, please.

You did not
start the fire.

Oh, yes, I did.

No, you did not.

Well, I am old enough.

I knew your mother.

Mrs. Linzer,
it's late.

I want
to go home.

Now, Mrs. Linzer,

you know you
didn't start the fire.

I know you
didn't start the fire.

There is nothing,
absolutely nothing,

you can say to convince me
you started--

[flames roar]

[Fire crackling]

[Whistles]

Hey, Hattie!

Wait up.
It's me, garet!

Oh, no.
Not you again.

Please don't hurt me.

What do you want?

I'm going away tomorrow.

I may never
see you again.

Yeah, so?

I just wanted
to say I'm sorry.

I meant no harm
kissing you.

It was
an accident.

Yeah, well,
if that was an accident,

you should get some insurance
for the next time.

I know
I'm nothing to you.

No one as horribly repulsive
as me deserves to be kissed

by someone
as beautiful as you.

That's all
I wanted to say.

I'll go now,

suffering,
alone,

into the dark,
and welcoming--ahh!

[Metal clanking]

[Grunt and thud]

You okay?

Please leave me here.

Yeah, I should
leave you here.

[Moaning]

Come on,
let's go.

Get up.

Where are you
taking me?

Look, if you don't
shut up,

I'm going to throw you
back into the street.

Your words are like poetry
to my ears.

Shut up.

Okay.

Quit staring at me.

Sorry.

You live here alone?

No, me and my dad.

But we've been fighting,

so he stays away
until I cool off.

Oh, that's very authentic.

I like it.
Yes.

[Laughs]
I like it,
I like it.

What's with the cane?

It's my curse.

It's for my deformity.

It's the reason no woman
will ever love me.

So if you
don't mind me asking...

Why'd you act
like such a nut?

I am the way I am
because...

I've been driven insane
by love.

Love can't
drive you insane.

Oh, yes,
it can.
No, it can't.

Oh, yes,
it can!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You haven't heard
my love story.

It may be
too much for you.

Too much for me?
Ha.

This...

Is the story
of the unlovable.

And how the unlovable
must watch the one he loves

fall in love
with someone else.

Can you imagine
what that's like?

[Door creaks]

Thank you.

[Door closes]

Greta, have you lost
your mind?

Is that any way
to talk to your wife?

What are you doing?

Starting things on fire,
acting like--

this is no place for you.

Is it
a place for you?

A man is stronger
than a woman.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

I heard enough.

I'll call the guard
to have you removed.

What's come over you?

You can't go
to jail for this.

And who's going
to stop me?

All my life,
you have been a good man.

A good husband.

And you've taken
care of me.

But you treat me
like I'm an idiot.

What are you talking about?

Do you think I don't know
we have no money?

First, I thought
I didn't know you

for doing such a thing.

Burning down everything
we've worked for.

And then,
I realized what you are.

Proud.

Too proud.

What did you think,

that I would not
love you anymore?

I will always love you.

And for once
in my life,

I will do something
to show you how much.

And this Adonis,

this--this David guy,

with nothing but savage lust
in his heart,

pulls his lips
away from hers and says,

"I will not let you go

"until you promise
to love me.

Forever."

[Sighs]

Oh, what an asshole.

I mean, what match am I
for a guy like that?

Aw, give me a break.

Any girl would take you
over a guy like that any day.

If only I could
believe that.

Believe it.

I'm a woman.
I know.

Why?

Why would any woman love

a freak of nature
like me?

I don't know.

You're different.

You got feelings.

Yes!

I've got feelings.

We have so much in common.

We go with our emotions,
our passions.

That's why
you punched me.

Don't you understand?
That's why I kissed you.

What are you getting at?

[Gasps]

I'm in love with you!

You're not
in love with me.
I am.

I am!

You just got through
telling me

you're in love
with Stephanie.

She's weak.

Don't you understand?

That guy stole her heart
with a kiss.

But, with a kiss,

you broke my face.

Every man I know
has lost his mind.

I know it sounds crazy.

But right now, I'm more sane
than I've ever been.

I will happily go to jail
for the rest of my life,

just knowing there's a woman
out there as passionate as you.

What do you mean,
"go to jail"?

I must be honest
with you.

In your presence,
I can be nothing

but totally honest.

I started the fire
at the pastry place

a few days ago.

You!

It was for love.
I did it for love!

You started the fire?

I couldn't help myself.

She was in love with that--
that dough boy!

What dough boy?
That dough boy
Stephanie fell in love with!

There is no
dough boy at linzer's.

Just Sergio.

[Humming]

Mr. Linzer.
You're--you're not in jail.

Sergio, Sergio.

Sergio, something
incredible has happened.

Something remarkable.
Again?

Mrs. Linzer has turned herself
in for the fire.

Oh, my god, no.
That's terrible.

Terrible?

It's wonderful.
Marvelous, magnificent.

It's a nice jail, Mr. Linzer,
but it's not magnificent.

You know,

she turned herself in
because she loves me.

She loves me.
She loves me.

I have no money, no job,
my wife is in jail,

and I feel--
I feel--

I feel like singing, dancing,

singing, dancing.

Like singing,
like singing.

Mr. Linzer.

Mr. Linzer, we can't leave
Mrs. Linzer in jail.

Of course.
Yeah, of course.

All right.

Of course.

Listen to me.

Listen to me, Sergio.

You're a good boy,
but you did a bad thing.

A very bad thing.

And I have done
a very bad thing too.

Oh, no, no, Mr. Linzer.
You haven't done anything.

I did, I did, I did.

I put this very bad thing
inside your head.

If I hadn't done this,
Mrs. Linzer wouldn't be in jail.

Out of all this tragedy,

only one thing
can save US all from doom.

The truth.

You must turn yourself in
for the fire

you started.

Mr. Linzer.

Mr. Linzer,
I swear to you,

tomorrow, Mrs. Linzer's gonna
be back in your arms again,

and her time in jail is
just gonna be a fading memory,

I promise you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Sergio.
Thank you.

Thank you.

So, I think I'll go

thank the good lord
for sending me Mrs. Linzer.

Thank you, thank you.

Sergio, she loves me!

She loves me!

Wonderful!

Wonderful,
it's wonderful!

Hattie.

What are you
doing here?

Go away.

I can't.
I live here.

You were paid to take
the blame for this fire.

Who told you that?

Garet.

He also told me
that you stole his girl.

What?
The one you've
been kissing.

Is that all you did
all this for,

so you could be
with his girl?

No, i--i--
no, i--i--

you know, I almost
felt sorry for you.

But to think that
all this time,

you've been kissing her.

You've been kissing her,
Sergio.

And thinking of her.

You don't understand--

yeah, I understand,
all right.

I understand.

Hattie.

If you would just
stop and listen.

There is no girl!

It was late,
I was--i was mopping,

and she just came in,
and she starts

kissing all over me.

She just starts
kissing you?

Yeah.

You didn't do anything
to make her kiss you?

Say anything?

Go on, say it.
Say what you said.

I didn't--
I didn't say anything.

That is the most disgusting lie
I've ever heard.

You lied about the fire,
you lied about the girl.

You lie about everything!

You know, I hope
she's beautiful.

And a good kisser.

You kissed her,
she kissed you.

Who cares?

So there he is!
Ah!

Mr. Two good legs!

Kissing my Stephanie.
Making her fall in love.

No, that's--
that's not it.

That's not
what happened at all.

Sure it's not.

No, look,
I wanted to explain it to you.

But I was just afraid
that you wouldn't understand.

I didn't want to hurt
your feelings.

Don't worry, Sergio.
I was mad.

But now I realize
you did me a favor.

My pyromania,
it's gone.

Want to know something
even better than that?

What?

I don't want to go
to jail anymore.

What?
Sorry.

Yeah, but--
but we had a deal together.

Deals are based
on honesty.

I said I would
turn myself in.

But you never told me
you were gonna make Stephanie

fall in love with you.

Would you stop saying that?

I didn't make anybody
fall in love with me.

Look, I never saw her before,
and I never saw her again.

She just comes into the shop,
she jumps all over me.

What am I supposed to do?
I don't know.

Excuse me.

Do I look like I want
to be hearing this right now?

No!

Listen, you.

Mrs. Linzer
just turned herself in

for your fire.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

This is becoming the most
popular fire in history, huh?

Yes, and if you
don't turn yourself in,

Mrs. Linzer's
gonna go to jail.

I can't do it.

What do you mean
you can't do it?

I can't!

Yeah, but Mrs. Linzer
can't go to jail.

She's a little old--
hey!

I got an idea.
What?

Why don't you
turn yourself in?

Me?
Why not?

Because I already
turned myself in.

They don't believe me.

I'll be
a witness for you.

Yeah!

I'll tell the police

that I saw you
start the fire.
Yeah?

Only one person knows
how the fire started, right?

Right, right, right.

Well, I'll tell you,
and you tell them.

There's no way
they won't believe you.

[Laughs]

You know, it's
the most incredible thing.

I mean, Stephanie has been
totally erased from my memory.

Right now--
right now,

I'm trying to imagine
what Stephanie looks like.

And you know what?

I can't even picture
her face.

I close my eyes
and all I see is Hattie.

Hattie?

My Hattie?

Tomorrow, after you
turn yourself in,

Hattie and I
are gonna go see the world.

Wait a minute.

Wait--wait a minute,
wait a minute, is--is--

is that supposed to be
some kind of joke?

I may be smilin',

but I'm not laughin'.

But--but you can't be
in love with Hattie.

You don't even know her!

Love is not based
on time, Sergio.

Love is endless

and instantaneous.

But you're in love
with Stephanie, remember?

Ah-ah-ah.

Was in love.
Past tense.

[Laughs]

Oh, boy.

Look at US.

I'm in love with Hattie,
and you're the pyromaniac.

Who'd have ever thought
we'd switch places?

Ciao.

[Engine starts]

[Tires screech]

[Door bell rings]

Yes?

I need to talk to Stephanie.

Do you have an invitation?

No.

Yes.

It's me.

Look, we gotta talk.

Yes, it is you.

Who are you?

It's me.

The guy from the pastry shop.

The guy that you're
in love with.

Oh, yes.

Well, I guess you better
come in.

Okay, thanks.

Where are we going?

Well, you must meet daddy.

I've spoken so much of you,

it's as if
he already knows you.

Daddy,

there's someone
I'd like you to meet.

Look at her, my daughter.

Yes, daddy.

I want to introduce you
to someone.

Oh, so be it.

Well, who is he?

Don't keep me in suspense.

He is the man I love.

He is the man
whom I've forgotten garet for.

What's your name?

Sergio cucho.

Italian.

No, I'm puerto rican.

Oh, well.

How are your legs?

Fine.

It's a love
that cannot be broken, daddy.

Well, far be it from me
to understand

the clockworks of love.

You're puerto rican.

Got two good legs.

Life is give and take.

Look, look.
We gotta talk.

(Stephanie)
Yes, I know.

So, Sergio.

Where would you like
to propose to me?

Propose?

Did I hear "propose"
as in marriage?

Perhaps the happiest day
of my life.

Lady, I don't even know you.

I-I came here because
I need your help.

Anything, my love.

You just say the word.

Stop being in love with me.

Hello, heartbreak.

Oh--oh, don't do that.

Oh, please, don't.
No, it's fine.

I mean, I'm getting used to it
by now, anyway.

Is this man causing trouble,
Steph?

Only if you call tearing
my heart out "trouble."

Just stop, please.

Stop!

Just give me five minutes
of your time.

Just five minutes.

I don't get it.

How could you be in love
with me?

Do you remember
the night we met?

Yeah, I remember.

But that kiss doesn't mean
you're in love with me.

It's not the kiss.

It's what you said.

It's those words,

those beautiful,
magical words.

What if I were to tell you
that garet came to me

and told me how in love
he was with you?

Garet?
Garet lumpke?

Yes.

Well, I'd say there's
something wrong with his leg.

That is the only thing
he could love.

He is the first man
in history

to fall in love
with his own leg.

You want to know how much
that guy loves you?

He burnt down my work

'cause he thought you were
in love with me.

He was jealous?

Out of his mind.

Like a grease fire
quickly extinguished?

The whole building.

And he even wanted to go
to jail

'cause you're in love
with me

and he thought you could
never be his.

He said this?

He said it.

Well, I only told him
about you

because I didn't want him
to think I was unlovable.

He I in love with me?

Definitely.

And from what I know,

you two are
just perfect together.

Really?

Really.

He thinks he's suffered.

Does he know I've suffered?

Huh?

I suppose he thought my love

could be won so cheaply.

Cheap?

That night I kissed you,

I had a feeling of power.

For once,
I did what I felt.

That night I felt like it,
so I kissed you.

[Gasps]

Perhaps where you're from

a good fire makes
for a love story.

Well, I have standards.

And to win my love,

he must at least
blow something up.

Please, he's running off
with my Hattie!

Be gone with you,
cupcake boy.

I'm not--
I'm not gonna leave you

till you say you're not
in love with me.

Won't say it.

What? Say it!
Say you're not in love with me.

Why don't you just say it?

Say it!

Make her say--

make her say she's not
in love with me!

And as far as you're concerned,
giuseppe--

Sergio.

Whatever.

As far as you're concerned,

I will love you
till the day I die.

Please, don't be in love
with me anymore.

You're ruining my life!

Ladies and gentlemen,
there goes Pinocchio,

the man I love.
My name's Sergio!
Sergio cucho!

(Garet)
Hey, Hattie.

[Whistles]

Hey, wait up.

Wait up.

You know, we could fly.

Flying's much faster,
you know.

Look, I don't want fast.

I like to think
about where I'm going.

Besides, trains don't go down.

So let off trains,
okay.

Okay, okay,
trains are good.

Trains are great.
I like trains.

We'll work our way up.

We got nothing but time,
right?

So what do you think?
Where to?

I don't know.

I don't have a whole lot
of cash.

Oh, no problem,
no problem.

I've got major credit cards.

The finest hotels.
The best food.

The most beautiful clothes.

First class all the way,
Hattie.

And I'll be there
to wait on you hand and foot.

So what do you think?

Pick a place.

(Hattie)
Home.

Home?

When I thought of seeing
the world,

I always imagined
the places with Sergio.

Now that he isn't here,

I can't think of where
I want to go.

I don't think I
even want to go anymore.

I'm really sorry, garet.

No, no, no, no, no--

it's all right.
It's okay.

I...

I understand.

So goes the life
of the unlovable, right?

Will you let me take you home?

It's okay.
I'll take a taxi.

But you go.

You see the world.

Sergio, Sergio, Sergio.

I don't even know
what to say.

Don't say anything.

Couple a days ago,

this was a nice, quiet,
little neighborhood.

Now, I got you in one cell.

Mrs. Linzer in another.

Something has gone
very, very wrong.

Excuse me.

Um, I'm looking for a girl
named Hattie.

That's me.
Who are you?

My name is Stephanie potts,

but perhaps I am better known

as the girl who is in love
with Sergio.

Yeah, well,
it's a free county.

Please, spare me
the heroics.

This is a story that's
been confused long enough.

I really don't want
to hear about it.

Well, I'm sure you don't,
but you're going to.

It's really quite
a simple one.

Listen, I'm going home now,

so you'll have to leave.

I don't think so.

I'm telling you to leave.

For god's sakes,

will you please sit down
and shut up?

You're starting to act
like me

and it's really giving me
a headache.

Well, then.

As I was saying,

the story really is
quite a simple one.

See, I'd spent an evening
at a party,

a very boring party,

watching a very handsome
young man avoid me.

Garet is simply
the most beautiful man

I have ever known.

Anyway, that night,

I was so desperately sad

thinking about garet

and how he will never love
anyone--

s, you go kissing some guy
you never met?

I am not through.
Now, shut up.

As I was saying,

at times of melancholy,
I walk.

I hate to walk.

And walking in high heels
is punishment all the more,

so I walked all the more.

I walked and I walked.

Are you getting the picture?

I got it.
I got it.

Good.

All I could do was think about

how I will never find a man
in this entire planet

who has anything--
one ounce of anything

to offer but self-pity.

And by the time I looked up,

I was in this godforsaken
little neighborhood...

And it was dark.

Nothing was open.

Nothing but this little
pastry shop.

[Humming]

[Door chime rings]

Hello?

Hello?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What do you want?

I'm sorry,
we're closed.

The door was open.

I-I know, I know.

But the sign says closed.

The door was unlocked,

so the store is not closed,
literally speaking.

Yeah, but the--the sign--

the sign says closed.

What are you,
king of sign etiquette?

No.

Listen, unless I am disturbing
some cosmic balance,

then please allow me
to collect myself

and perhaps call a cab.

[Water sloshes]

[Humming]

Hey, why do you have
to hum that song?

I don't know.

It's Hattie's.
It's her favorite.

Oh.

Let me guess.

The two of you are in love.

And it's a beautiful,
endearing love,

and that's your song.

Boo hoo.

Not exactly.

And how's that?

Well...

She doesn't know she loves me.

Let me ask you something.

Why would you be in love
with someone

who isn't in love with you?

I don't know.

Don't you think
that's insanity?

Does a man go to the airport
to pick up his brother

if he has no brother?

Well, then please tell me
why the human animal falls

in love with somebody
who doesn't love them,

who might not ever love them,

who probably
won't ever love anyone?

It makes no sense.

Why?
Answer me.

Why?

I'm sorry.

I can see your brain's
about to explode

from overload.

Because...

Because you gotta love
somebody.

And--and if a miracle happens,

and they fall in love
with you,

well, then the sky opens up

and the stars come pouring down
and...

And...

Well, sometimes life
isn't so simple.

Sometimes you gotta scratch

and you gotta fight
all you got to get them.

You gotta be--

you gotta be willing to die
for them.

And if they don't love you

and you gave it all you got,

then when you die
when it's all over,

you'll never wonder.

You'll never say, "what if?"

(Hattie)
He said that?

(Stephanie)
In so many words, yes.

About me?

About you.

Then why did you have
to fall in love with him?

Me fall in love
with Sergio?

Yeah.

Uh, dear one,

a poor pastry boy makes

for a quaint character
in a story.

But out there is a gorgeous man
willing to burn for me.

Let me explain something
to you about the world.

I've seen it.

And if you think
that once you leave,

men get smarter...

They don't.

Oh, which reminds me.

You wouldn't happen to know
where I might find garet,

would you?

He was at the train station.

Well, Hattie, I guess
the likelihood

of our meeting again
is rather slim.

So, um, allow me to be

a little bit more brash
than my usual self.

Get off your ass
and go find your Sergio.

[Clears throat]

Stephanie!

Ugh!

[Grunts]

Wha--

wha--

what was that for?

I am tired of waiting
for you.

Whether you know it or not,

we are in love
with each other.

You're in love with me?

Is there an echo in here?

Yes, I'm in love with you.

And it's an aching,
torturous love,

which wrenches
the lower extremities.

Now, get up before I throw you
onto the tracks.

[Grunting]

So rumor has it
you started

that terrible fire for me.

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Well, I don't believe
in vandalism.

But I, uh,
I do have to admit

that was a very powerful thing
you did.

Well, it was a poem
for you, Stephanie.

A poem...Written in flames.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I poem devoted
to the forfeiture of my freedom.

My freedom for your every--

blah blah blah.

Words.

You see, garet.

The point is...

[Sighs]

When I found out it was you,

I was overcome.

Nobody's ever done anything
for me like that before.

You liked what I did?

No, of course not.

But I love what you meant
by it.

Come on, let's go.

[Grunts]

Hey.

Whatcha doing?

Nothing.

I was just, you know...

I-I thought you left.

No.

There's something
I'd like to know.

You took the blame
for the money, right?

Yeah.

And what were you gonna do
with the money?

I was gonna see the world
with you.

Jeez, how stupid is that?

Well, I was afraid
that you were gonna go away

and fall in love with someone.

So I-I thought going to jail

wasn't that big a deal
if I could be with you.

Why didn't you tell me
how you felt?

Because, Hattie,
you got big goals.

You want to be rich.
You want to see the world.

You want to know my goal?

You.

Oh, I know you think
that's stupid.

No.

That's not stupid.

You still gonna convince them
that you set the fire.

Yeah.

Well, then I guess
my travel plans

are on hold for awhile.

You--

you mean--

you--

hey, now don't go getting
all mushy on me.

Oh, what the hell.

[Sweeping orchestral music]

*

(Sergio)
So garet finally
turned himself in.

It wasn't hard to prove
he started the fire

since he was the only one

who knew how it really started
anyway.

Even the police, the judge,
the jury--

they all offered to reduce
the charges

since what garet did,
he did for love

and the fact that
it made him crazy.

But garet refused to settle
for anything less

than the full force of the law.

So they threw the book at him.

Yes!

Garet!

(Sergio)
You see, to garet,

it was the perfect end
to a beautiful story.

A love story.

[Gentle orchestral music]

*

Of course, Mrs. Linzer
was released from jail.

And what's more,

Mr. Linzer got
his fire insurance.

And now that they had
their money,

they thought about retiring
and taking life easy.

But then they decided
the best thing,

the thing that brought them
the most happiness

was to start a new store.

Naturally,
there would come a time

when they needed a manager.

Unfortunately, I'm unavailable

due to the world
and my need to see it.

[Honks horn]

I was thinking,
as far as the world goes,

you know, I'd like to see
that tower in pisa

that leans 'cause they say

some day
it's just gonna fall.

Blam, just like that.

Or we could skip that

and we could just concentrate
on things

that are standing straight.

What?

What?

You got other ideas?

Yeah.

[Thud]

(Hattie)
Sergio?

Sergio.

[Lighthearted orchestral music]

*