A New Leaf (1971) - full transcript

- Would you like to step out
and have a cigarette, Mr. Graham?

- No, thank you.

- We'll call you as soon as we know.

- No.

- I understand.

- She'll be alright now, Mr. Graham.

- Thank you.

- Did you ever have any trouble
with it before, Mr. Graham?

- Well, I have to take it in
2 or 3 times a week.

Which is somewhat inconvenient,
but the car is well worth it.

- 2 or 3 times a week?
How often do you drive it?



- 2 or 3 times a week.

- I have to take it in
every time I drive it.

And then it usually needs
a tune-up every few weeks.

So I actually don't get
to drive it very much.

- Oh, you have a real
problem then, Mr. Graham.

- Yes. My own mechanic
has not been very helpful.

- Is there anything you can recommend?

- Well, you don't live
out here on the island, so

- I can't check it regularly enough
to get a real picture.

- All I can advise is never drive her
under 3,000 rpm in a forward gear, ever.

And there's a lot of carbon on the valves.

- Yes, there always is, so thank you
very much for the recommendation.

- Usually needs a tune-up every few weeks.

- I wonder what he does to her that bas...



- Oh Mr. Graham, your attorney, Mr.
Beckett, has been trying to reach you.

He's been calling the
superintendent's office all week.

- Well, if he calls again tell him
I no longer live with the superintendent.

Have this car taken to my garage.

- Broke down again, didn't it?
- I don't care to discuss it.

and he told me there
was carbon on the valves

which was no news to me 'cause
there's always carbon on the valves.

- My own mechanic picked up
the car yesterday

and returned this afternoon with the news
that there was carbon on the valves.

I asked him why the car
broke down so frequently

and he said it was probably because
carbon got on the valves.

- Ha ha, I told you a Ferrari
was useless in the city.

Buy a Bentley and stop carrying on.

- How dare you?

- Mr. Graham!

- Henry! Henry!
- What a day. That's a perfectly insane

- Oh, Mr. Graham!
- Who is it? What is it?

- A Mr. Beckett on the phone!
- Beckett?

- Says he's your attorney!
Has an urgent message. Says he'll wait.

- Tell him I'm out.

- I don't have much chance to
take her out and open her up.

- Half the time is spent taking off and
the other half is spent on landing.

- And she needs a lot of upkeep.

- Every time I bring her out
she has to have repairs.

- What seems to be the trouble?

- My mechanic says it's
carbon on the valves.

- Zero One Foxtrot.
This is Long Island tower.

- We're holding an emergency
telephone call for Mr. Henry Graham...

from his attorney, Mr. Beckett.
Over.

- Roger. Zero One Foxtrot...

- I'll just get out here, thank you.
I'm not taking that call.

- Oh, Jerry!
Mr. Von Rensaeller?

- Has Mr. Graham come in yet?

- Yes. He's in the
lounge with Mr. Beaumont.

- Have I told you that my apple trees
have crown gall?

- Frequently.

- Well, then you can relax.
They don't anymore.

- I sprayed and the crown gall is gone.

- Hello, Dan. I was just telling Henry
that my apple trees had crown gall.

- But I sprayed and
the crown gall is gone.

- Really? Oh, you must be very relieved.

- Yes. Yes, I am.

- Could I have a word with you, Henry?

- We've had several calls from your bank

saying there have been insufficient funds.

- Ah, those idiots.

- I was prevailed upon as honorary
secretary to please bring it to your attention

so you can clear it up with the bank.

- Been going on for weeks.

- I wonder if Beckett would go this far
to get me to call back?

- Now, listen to me very carefully,
please. You see, when you have capital

you are able to derive No.

- I will attend to the check
in a moment, Mr. Graham.

- I understand about the check.
I'm trying to explain something to you

that is terribly important.

- When we spend more,
per month or per year

than we have in income,
you must then dip into the capital

eventually exhausting the capital
and of course, therefore, the income.

- Do you see what I mean?

- Mr. Beckett. This check must be paid.

- Mr. Graham
- And at once.

- I'm trying to explain to you that
it is impossible to pay the check

because your expenses
have exceeded your income

to such a point that you have
exhausted your capital.

- Now you have no capital, no income

therefore no funds for the check, you see?

- Don't treat me as though
I were a child, Mr. Beckett.

- I am as aware of what it means
to have no capital as you are.

- Oh, good.
- Now, what about this check?

- Well, are you entirely sure
that you really do understand

what I mean by capital, Mr. Graham?

- You see, you've exhausted the capital.
I can't cover the check

because the check is for $6,000
and you don't have $6,000.

- In other words, you don't have $60.

- Come to the point, Beckett.

- The point, Mr. Graham, is that
you don't have any money.

- The capital and the income are exhausted
and you no longer have any money.

- I wish there was some
other way I could say it.

- What could I?
How could I put it? That money

- You have no capital, you have no income
you have no, it's only money.

- You have no money. There's no other
way to put it.

- You mean I have no money?

- Yes, that's what I mean.
You have no money.

- And what of my stocks, my AT&T,
my General Motors?

- Y-yes, I know

- My Amerada Peat?

- Yes, yes, I know about Emeralda Peat.
Let me show you something.

- Mr. Graham, you see,
it was necessary for me to sell

several shares per year in order
to cover the checks that you

- Who gave you the right to do that?
- You did, sir.

- I did not!
- Yes, you did.

- See, 15 years ago, when you told me
that you wished to live on $200,000

despite the fact that the income
on your trust fund was only $90,000

- That is beside the point.
This check must be paid.

- Do you realize that this check has
bounced, Mr. Beckett? I mean, bounced!

- As though I were some indigent
- Yes, I know the check has bounced.

- It is not the first check that
you've had bounced, Mr. Graham.

- I personally have covered three
overdrafts of yours to the extent

- I'd like to show you
this check of $550.

- This is of my own money, not the
firm's money, but that is not

a policy that I wish
to continue in the future.

- Who gave you the right to do that?

- Well, you did, Mr. Graham.

- You mean to say that I'm now in
the position of owing you $550?

- No, no, no, don't, don't, please,
don't think of it as a loan, Mr. Graham.

- I have no more hope of receiving it than
you'll ever have of scraping it up.

- Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Beckett.

- May I say that if you expected even
the smallest amount of gratitude

you have wasted $550
of the excessive fee I pay you

for the tiny services you render.

- Mr. Graham.
I would like to explain something to you.

- I have given you $550 of my own money
for only one reason

- Disliking you as intensely as I do,
I wanted to be absolutely certain

that when I looked back
upon your financial downfall

- I could absolve myself completely
of any responsibility for it.

- And $550 is a relatively
small price to pay

for the knowledge that I've
had nothing to do whatsoever

with your financial downfall.

- You have brought yourself
to penury entirely on your own.

- I don't suppose you care
to give me an additional $6,000

and insure yourself against
guilt permanently?

- You're perfect.
- Thank you very much, Mr. Beckett.

- Do you think my uncle would
lend me some money?

- Mr. Graham, during the 10 years that
your uncle served as your guardian

he confided in me almost daily

that he thought your father had placed him
in that position as an act of spite.

I don't think he'll give you a nickel,
Mr. Graham.

- And considering your gift for
close personal relationships

- I don't think anyone else will, either.

- Thank you very much, Mr. Beckett.

- Here you are. This will cover the
overdraft of $550 that I owe you.

- You will have these, too.

- They're non-filter.
Smoke them in good health.

- I'm poor.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Oh, Mr. Graham, how are you?
Nice to see you.

- What can I do for you, Mr. Graham?
- Oh nothing, nothing I

- Won't you sit down a little bit?
- Thank you. I was looking for someone.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Graham.
- Henri, ca va bien?

- I'm fine, thank you. I'm
kind of surprised. We're
gonna be ready any minute.

- Would you like to have a table for one?

- No, no, thank you. I just wanted to
look at the room once more.

- But it's always great to see you.
You're always welcome here. You know that.

- Just check.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Sullivan.

- I know nothing more
about your application.

- That's alright. I'll come back
tomorrow and check.

- Oh, Mr. Graham. Good afternoon, Mr. Graham.
- Hello, Otto.

- Were you expecting some mail?

- No, no. I just dropped in to, er
see if I was still welcome.

- I'm poor.

- Goal!

- Harold, I should like to ask you something.
- Certainly, sir.

- You've been with me
for many years now, Harold.

- What would you do if I told you
I had lost all my money?

- I should leave immediately, sir,
upon giving the proper notice.

- Thank you, Harold. I knew I could
count on a straight answer from you.

- Thank you, sir.

- You can't top Hart, Schaffner and Marx.

- Just stand natural.
It fits perfectly.

- It's the best suit you can find in
ready-to-wear.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Graham.

- The racket club does not
keep those members on a trust
that are remiss in their dues.

- Don't waste your time, Mr. Graham,
come with me to the Y.

- Henry, you're not you're not
driving a Chevrolet!?

- Oh, no!

- I took the liberty, sir.

- Oh yes, yes, Harold, bring it in.
I was just about to ring for it.

- Harold, I have something to tell you.
- Is it about your money, sir?

- Yes, Harold. I've lost it.

- Or, more accurately, spent it.
In any case, it's gone.

- I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

- Have you considered borrowing
from your uncle?

- Yes, it was my first thought.

- My attorney advised me against it on
the grounds that it would be useless.

- See, the thing of it is, Harold

that I have no hope of ever
repaying him, or anyone.

- I have no skills,
no resources, no ambitions.

- All I am, or was, is rich.

- And that's all I ever wanted to be.

- I don't understand, Harold.
Why did it happen to me? Why?

- I was I was so happy.
What will I do?

- What any gentleman of similar breeding

and temperament would do
in your position, sir.

- Suicide?

- No, sir. I wasn't going to suggest
suicide. I was going to suggest marriage.

- Marriage? You mean to a woman?

- Yes, sir. That is what I had in mind.

- It's the only way to acquire
property without labor.

- There is inheritance, but
I believe your uncle

has already stated his intention
of leaving everything he
owns to Radio Free Europe.

- Oh, I can't, Harold. I couldn't
I mean, she'd be there

asking me where I've been

talking to me talking.
I wouldn't be able to bear it.

- Well, it was only a suggestion, sir.
But the alternatives

are very limited and
unspeakably depressing, sir.

- If you do not commit suicide,
sir, you will be poor.

- Poor?

- Poor in the only real
sense of the word, sir

in that you will not be rich.

- You will have a little left
if you sold everything but

in a country where
every man is what he has

he who has very little
is nobody very much.

- There's no such thing as
genteel poverty here, sir.

- How much time do you think I have
before it comes out, Harold?

- Hardly any, sir.

- You've already received
your third notice

from both Con Edison and the
Bell Telephone Company, sir.

- At any moment the lights may go out and
the telephone go dead.

- And when that happens,
the worst will occur, sir...

your credit rating will be impugned.

- My Amerada Peat.
Thank you.

- Oh, do it, sir. Do it, get married, sir.

- Take the plunge.
Find a nice suitable young woman, sir.

- Borrow enough money from your uncle
to keep up appearances.

- Don't become poor, Henry Graham, sir.
Not just for your sake but

this is difficult for me to say, sir,
but for mine as well

- I mean, how many men these days require
the services of a gentleman's gentleman?

- How many men have
your devotion to form, sir?

- You have managed in
your own lifetime, Mr. Graham

to keep alive traditions that were dead
before you were born.

- Don't give up the fight, sir

just because the
Philistines are upon thee.

- I now respectfully give
two weeks' notice, sir.

- Will that be all?

- Yes.
- Thank you, sir.

- No, no. Can't. Can't.
Better death or murder.

- That's a good idea. Harold!

- Harold, that was a good idea.
I'm going to do it, Harold.

- I'm going to find a suitable woman
and mur-, er, marry her.

- Oh, I'm so glad, sir.

- Shall I dial your uncle for you?
- Yes, please, Harold.

- I hope I don't have to grovel too much.

[Uncle Harry] Oh god...

- Then I take it your answer is no.

- Yes. It's no. You've been an ass, Henry.

- Just as your father was an
ass, but you mustn't take that
to mean it runs in the family.

- Lend you $50,000.
Oh God, what a witty thing to say!

- Don't think of it as a loan
but as an investment

to be repaid in six weeks
with interest of 10%.

- No.

- Why not? It's a better return
than you get on any stock.

- But you are not a stock, Henry.

- You are an aging youth, with no prospect

no skills, no character.

- What could you possibly do in six weeks

that would enable you to repay me?

- Get married.

- Get what?

- Get married.

- Get married?

- Yes. Get married.

- To whom?

- Well, I I would find a suitable woman.

- By "suitable" you mean rich?

- Yes, as far as marriage is concerned

- You see, as far as marriage is

- As far as marriage is concerned,
I do have prospects.

- I even have skills, to the extent that
I'm not physically disabled.

- No.

- I'm reasonably well-mannered.

- And I can engage in
any romantic activity

with an urbanity born of disinterest.

- As for character

that is something I usually
require of servants

- We are talking about character.
- Yes, character.

- That is something I usually
require of servants

in the form of a brief letter
written by someone like myself

to the effect that
the servant in question

does not have the ingenuity to steal.

- Well, you can't ask for better
credentials for marriage

or a better return on your investment.

- What is my collateral
in the event that you fail?

- Collateral?

- My wardrobe and furnishings.

- Oh my God, what would I?
Yes, go on.

- My collection of first editions.

- My paintings and sculptures.
- Oh, well.

- And my
- What?

- No.
- No, what?

- Well that's it.

- No, no. You said no. You said no.
What? No, what?

- Alright. My Ferrari 275 GTB 4

which retails at $15,900
and is owned outright by me.

- That's at least $500,000
worth of collateral.

- I'm asking for a $50,000 loan.

- Six weeks?
- Six weeks.

- Well, I may be a sentimental old fool

but in memory of our long, long years
that I spent as your guardian

- I'll do it.

- Thank you, uncle.

- On one condition.
- What's that?

- Should you fail to repay
me in six weeks

- I am entitled to ten times
the amount I'll lend you.

- Ten times the amount?
That's ten times 50,000.

- Yes, that's right.

- That's it's everything I own.

- Of course you could always go to
a bank and ask for a personal loan.

- A bank?

(Uncle Harry laughing)

- Oh God, if I could be a fly
on the wall that day.

- Those are my terms. Take them
or leave them as you choose.

- But that's usury.
- Mh-hm.

- I'll take it.
- Good.

- I'll have my attorney
draw up the documents tonight.

- We should be finished by tonight,
don't you think?

- Yes. Thank you, uncle.

- Call me Uncle Harry...

- After all, we're in business
together now, Henry.

- Thank you, Uncle Harry.

- In that case, you
may call me Mr. Graham.

- You know, Henry, I have never thought
of you as terribly interested in women.

- It comes as rather a shock to me, too.

- Are there any here?
- Huh?

- I mean unattached ones?

- Yes, yes, there's Sharon Hart,
over there next to Felix.

- Does she live with her family?

- No, no, as far as I know,
Sharon has no close family.

- Her husband, Robert Hart,
was a cattle baron, I think.

- Really?

- Oh, Sharon, I'd like you
to meet Henry Graham.

- I eat, I sleep, I swim, I dry off.

- All so simple, perhaps even primitive.
And it satisfies me.

- I have found peace in Connecticut.

- I mean, after all, what else is there?

- I love, I wish love, I am human,
I am a woman, Henry!

- A what?

- A woman, Henry.

- I want I need I desire love.

- That is what a woman is born for.

- Damn mosquitoes!

- No mother? You have no mother? No
father? No no children? No one at all?

- No one at all.

- Oh, Henry

- How I long to hear another voice.

- A man's arms

- Oh, I am alive.

- I want to give

love.

- Darling!

- No! Don't let them out!

- 3 weeks, 2 days and 3 hours to go, sir.

- Please don't scratch, sir.
- Oh, God help me!

- My aunt got very interested
in the Heart Fund.

- She had an attack a little while ago.

- Your aunt
Does she live in New York?

- Yes, as a matter of fact she does.

- What sort of an attack did she have?
- A heart attack, you see

- Oh, do you have any other relatives?
- Oh no, no, none at all.

- No mother?
- No, no, no mother. And

- No father?
- No, no. No, no father.

- We were wondering if you would
like to put your name

on one of our letterheads
as one of our sponsors?

- Well, you wouldn't have to do anything.
- No, thank you.

- Oh. Well, would you?

- Henry!
What the hell are you doing here?

- I thought you hated dancing and
didn't believe in private charity.

- You were correct.

- One week, 5 days and 10 hours, sir.

- I'll never do it, Harold. Never.

- Not only do I still have to meet her,
but I have to court her

marry her and get $50.000 from her

before the honeymoon.
I'll never do it

unless I elope tomorrow.

- You will do it, sir.

- When we are working for something we
really love, as you are, sir

we can always find a way.

- What are you spraying with, Bo? Do you
really understand what you're doing?

- Oh, my dear. I've spent years on this,
on this very topic. Yes, because

- Henry!

- Everybody! This is Henry Graham.

- This is Harriet Storch. Bo, of course, you know.
- Hi, Henry.

- Mr. and Mrs. Sims, Toot and Roggie.
They're here from Geneva on home leave.

- This is Lucy Sylvester.

- And our neighbours,
Dr and Mrs. Daryl Hitler

- John Sylvester and Freddy,
of course, you know

- Excuse me, you're not by any chance
related to the Boston Hitlers?

- No, we're from Glen Cove.

- Henry, this is Miss Henrietta Lowell.
This is Mr. Henry Graham.

- Miss Lowell. How do you do?

- Come there, now. Come and see Bo.

- Yes. You dropped your gloves, Miss Lowell.

- Now come with me and have a nice chat
with Bo while I get you some

- Gloria, what's today's date?
- July 27.

- Come sit with Bo and I'll
get you some nice tea.

- Henry, sit down. Would you believe it?
Sooty blotch!

- Got rid of the crown gall
and got sooty blotch.

- I think it's sooty blotch, I'm not sure.

- That's becoming mad, Bo.
By the way, who's Henrietta Lowell?

- She's old Guy Lowell's daughter.
- And who's old Guy Lowell?

- Was. He's dead now.

- Been dead ever
since I can remember.

- And who was he when he was alive?

- Well, he was an industrialist

or composer, something like that.

- Well, did he die with his wealth intact
or did he lose everything in suicide?

- Oh, well, I'm merely curious.

- Well, he died with his wealth intact

- I heard he was enormously wealthy
when he died. Is that right?

- I thought you didn't know who he was.

- Well, I didn't at first

but the vividness of your description
has restored him to my memory.

- He was old Guy Lowell,
who died enormously wealthy.

- That right?
- Yeah. He was enormously wealthy when he died.

- And the girl?

- She's enormously wealthy, too.
Lives all alone in a huge place with

dozens of servants milling about her.
About 50 acres of land.

- No mother?
- No.

- No sisters, brothers?
No close relatives?

- No. No. Harry, you're hurting my arm!

- Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Bo.

- She, er she's not engaged?

- No. She's a botanist!

- She teaches at some

- Writes a lot of papers
on fronds for periodicals.

- Doesn't ride, either.

- Doesn't entertain. Doesn't even talk,
as far as I can tell.

- I think she's about the most isolated
woman I've ever met.

- Rich, single, isolated.

- And she's about to drop that teacup.

- Oh, she's perfect.

- Madeleine, would you get Miss Lowell
another cup of tea, please?

- I'm terribly sorry.
- That's alright, dear, really. Couldn't care less.

- It's nothing. It's nothing.
It's just an old rug.

- Just swish that up and then just dab it,
just just dab it and blot it.

- Here I'll take this.

- Incredibly clumsy woman, isn't she?
No wonder she doesn't ride.

- Forgive me a moment, will you, Bo?

- Excuse me.

- Excuse me.

- Henrietta, is this some kind of joke?

- Because if it is, I
do not find it amusing.

- If your nerves aren't steady enough

to hold a cup and saucer in your hand,
then you shouldn't be drinking tea.

- Once yes, but twice in a row
- Is too much too much.

- Madam. There you are, Madam.

- Take your damn carpet to the cleaners
and send the bill to me.

- Here you are. Come, Miss Lowell,
I'm taking you home.

- Take your bag.

- You son of a bitch!

- You dare call me a son of a bitch?

- Madam, I have seen many examples
of perversion in my time

but your erotic obsession
with your carpet

is probably the most grotesque
and certainly the most boring
I have ever encountered.

- You're more to be scorned than pitied.

- Good day, Mrs. Cunliffe.

- You can dismiss your car.
I'll take you home in mine.

- I came by bus.

- I beg your pardon?

- I I didn't come by car, I came by bus.

- By bus?
- On the bus.

- And then to be treated in this manner?

- Perfect.

- This is very nice of you. Thank you.

- And I'm terribly sorry.

- No, you don't have to
apologize, Miss Lowell.

- Your behavior has been impeccable.

- No. I did spill the tea twice.

- You were a guest.

- A woman of your stature has a
right to expect every courtesy in
any home she consents to visit.

- What stature?

- Oh, come now, Miss Lowell.

- I've read far too many
botanical journals

to take that question seriously.

- Are you a botanist?

- No. Just a botanical journal reader.

- Every science has its fans.

- [Henry] Carbon on the valves.

- [Henrietta] Heavens.

- Tell me about yourself, Miss Lowell.

- Your work, your hopes, your dreams

- Well, I work as a teacher and I also
do field work and write monographs.

- On my last field trip I identified
and classified

all the varieties of ferns
on Jolly Bogo.

- It was one of the longest
monographs I've ever written.

- I'd love to read it sometime.

- My hope is to discover a new
variety of fern

that has never been
described or classified.

- I don't know what my dream is.

- Do you think it could be
the same as my hope?

- Well, at any rate, that is my
work and my hope, except for my
dreams which I'm not certain of.

- What happens if you discover a
new species

that has never been
described or classified?

- Well nothing terribly much
except that

you are
you're listed as its discoverer

and the entire species is named after you.

- Oh, like Parkinson's Disease
being named after James Parkinson.

- That's right.

- Or the Bougainvillea being named
after Louis de Bougainville.

- Or like Brussels sprouts.
- Yes, that's right, that's right.

- It's a kind of immortality, isn't it?

- Yes. Yes, I guess it is.

- This seems rather presumptuous,
doesn't it, to hope for immortality?

- Not to me.

- If you can't be immortal, why bother?

- Oh, Henry, you are really so
self-assured.

- You're so positive.

- It almost gives me confidence
just to be with you.

- Then in a very short time you will be
a very confident botanist because

- I intend to be with you
a great deal of the time.

- Oh, heavens.

- With your consent, of course.

- Oh, yes. I consent. I I just
Oh, heavens!

- I will pick you up at 7.
- Yes. Bye.

- Until this evening.

- Heavens.

- Heavens.

- Good morning, Mis-

- Good morning, Mr. Graham.

- You have exactly 7 days
and 9 hours to destitution.

- Shall I serve your breakfast in bed

or would you like me to follow
you about with the tray?

- No, thank you, Harold.
I haven't got time to eat.

- See if you can find a
college outline of botany.

- Reserve a table for two
at Pavilion for tonight.

- Get the florist on the phone and start
making out a guest list.

- I think I have found,
God help us, Miss Right.

- Heavens. How tasteful.

- '55 was a glorious year
for Mouton Rothschild.

- Better than '53, I think.
Don't you?

- May I ask you something?

- Certainly, Henrietta.

- Have you ever tasted

- Mogen David's extra-heavy Malaga
wine with soda and lime juice?

- Er, not that I can recall.

- One of my students happened
to introduce it to me

on a field trip to the Canary Islands.

- It tastes a little like grape juice
and every year is good.

- Why don't you just drink grape juice?

- It's not as sweet.

- I had never drunk wine at all
until I tried

- Mogen David's extra-heavy Malaga wine
with soda and lime juice.

- It's delicious.
It's called a Malaga Cooler.

- Malaga Cooler.

- Oh, well that sounds unique.

- Thank you, Raoul.
- You're welcome, sir.

- Thank you, Raoul.
- You're welcome, Mr. Graham. Good night.

- Good night, Mr. Graham.
- Night, Stuart, thank you very much.

- Good to see you again, sir.
- Thank you.

- 5 days and 11 hours.
- Today is Wednesday, isn't it?
- Yes.

- Then the ceremony will have to be
this Saturday

that means that I will have to
propose tonight, God help me

if we're to get license by Friday

- Do you know anything about Mendel's
experiments? Listen to me, please, Harold.

- Mendel's experiments with garden peas?
- No.

- Well, bone up and study the chapter
on classification.

- I'll have to have someone test me

on division, class, order, family, genus,
species and variety

before I go on to seed
and fruit dispersal.

- Oh, I'm so glad you found a nice
suitable young lady.

- She's not suitable. She's primitive.

- She has no spirit,
no wit, no conversation

and she has to be vacuumed
every time she eats.

- Oh, she must be very wealthy, sir.

- Yes, she is.

- Cancel my theater tickets for tonight.

- I'll have to start early if
I'm going to propose.

- Yes, sir. Oh, shall I order
additional champagne, sir?

- No. No champagne.

- Order a dozen bottles of

- Mogen David's extra-heavy Malaga wine
and lime juice.

- And lower your eyebrows, please.
I told you she was primitive.

- To science.

- Do you have any straws?

- Straws? No straws.

- Should have told you to buy straws.

- I have recently been re-reading
Gregor Mendel's

fascinating experiments with garden peas.

- And it has struck me again

how much we owe our understanding
of plant genetics

with all its myriad implications
to that brilliant pioneer.

- Yes, but we mustn't forget
Morgan and Muller.

- Morgan, Muller and Mendel.
- Who?

- Gregor Mendel, the man
that you just mentioned.

- Morgan, Muller and Mendel, I think

are a perfect example of
scientific synthesis.

- Erm does it seem that to you?

- No, it doesn't.

- Collective appraisal has
never appealed to me.

- Oh, I didn't mean to criticize
- Ooh!

- Oh, your carpet. Your beautiful carpet.

- Oh, that's alright, Henrietta, please
No, no, don't, no, please, Henrietta.

- Is there any cold water?

- No, no, never mind.
Please sit down, Henrietta.

- Henrietta, please. Nonsense. Nonsense.
The floor needed a touch of color.

- Henry, I'm so stupid
and clumsy and gauche.

- I don't know what to say.
I've ruined another carpet.

- No, Henrietta, please. Stop that. Can
you possibly believe, for one moment

that what happens to this foolish, hairy
floor covering matters to me

when I have you sitting beside me?

looking at me with your beautifully soft

yet highly intelligent,
well-informed eyes?

- Talking to me in your gentle

yet perfectly modulated,
podium-trained voice?

- You must think me very superficial.

- Oh, no. I don't.

- Henrietta, er er
would you care for some more wine?

- Oh yes, I would love some.

- Henrietta Henrietta

- I have something to ask you.

- I I erm
What time is it?

- It's erm it's, oh, it's 10 o'clock
I'm going to have to leave pretty soon

- 'cause I have to get up tomorrow
very early for a class.

- Ooh!
- Pardon? Something wrong?

- Henry? Henry?
- Oh. No, no.

- Henrietta

- Henrietta, we have a great deal
in common, you and I.

- We are both of the same division:
vertebrata

the same class: mammalia

the same order: primate

the same family: hominide

the same genus: homo

the same species: sapiens

and the same variety of a class.

- I don't think there's a class of variety
- Keep quiet, Henr-!

- Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I

- Where where was I? I Oh, yes

- In fact the only difference between us
is that I am a man and you are a woman.

- And we don't have to let that interfere
if we are reasonably careful.

- Y-yes.

- Henrietta, what I'm trying to say is

- Will you marry me?

- I beg your pardon?

- Oh, Henrietta, if
you care for me at all.

- Even if you don't care for me at all

but feel that you could learn to care
for me at all

in a reasonable amount of time,
please say yes.

- There is often a tidy
profit in speculation.

- I care for you, Henry.
I do care for you.

- Oh! Henrietta.
Ahhhhh! Dammit to hell!

- Did you hurt yourself?
- No, no.

- Kneeling on broken glass
is my favorite pastime.

- It keeps me from slouching.

- Do you think you should get up, Henry?

- No. Never. Not until I finish.

- I would kneel on anything
for you, Henrietta.

- Henrietta, if you turn me down,
it would be the end of me.

- I would literally have nothing.

- There would be such a
- I won't I wouldn't.

- I'm not going to turn you down, Henry.

- You're not?
- No.

- I love you, Henry.

- That was my dream, Henry.

- From the moment that you spilled
your tea on Gloria Cunliffe's Aubusson.

- That someday you would ask me
to marry you.

- That was most of my dream.

- Henrietta, darling, would this
Saturday be too soon?

- This Saturday?
- Yes.

- Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
Oh, heavens, mercy!

- Answer yes or no!

- Henrietta, I'm intensely uncomfortable.
- Yes, yes, yes!

- Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

- Here. You're a good girl.
You're a good a good girl.

- Oh, heavens, I mean, mercy gracious heavens.
- Stay with heavens.

- Ouch! Stop that, Harold!

- I'm sorry, sir.

- That hurts.

- I'm saved, Harold.
Less hurried but saved.

- I'm enormously pleased, sir.

- Oh, I wish you could've been there,
Harold. I wish you could have been there.

- I was brilliant. Brilliant! You would
have been astonished of my technique.

- Sir, I don't doubt you, sir.

- Harold, send an announcement
out to the newspapers

and put Miss Lowell's attorney
on the guest list.

- It seems he's a close
personal friend of hers.

- Has the wine come up off the rug yet?

- No sir. I'm soaking it now
in various solvents

but they only seem to dissolve the nap.

- I oughta sue her.

- Do you know how many llamas
must have died to make that rug?

- Have my travel agent book a cottage
somewhere for a few days.

- I'll have to pick up the $50,000
during the honeymoon.

- Oh, sir. Isn't that
just a trifle unseemly?

- Unseemly? Unseemly!?

- Harold, after her behavior tonight,
anything I do will be seemly.

- Never have I seen one woman

in whom every social grace was so lacking.

- Did I say she was primitive?
I retract that. She's feral.

- I've never spent a more physically
destructive evening in my life.

- I am nauseated. I limp.

- And I can feel my teeth rotting
away from an excess of sugar

that no amount of toothpaste can dislodge.

- I will taste those damn
Malaga Coolers forever.

- That woman is a menace
not only to health

but to Western civilization as we know it.

- She doesn't deserve to live.

- Forget I said that.

- Yes.

- He did it.

- He did it. Oh, get off my lap,
you little ingrate! Get off!

- He did it. He really, really did it.

- Yes, yes. I know who
Henrietta Lowell's attorney is.

- In fact, he has an office
somewhere in this building.

- Well, let's put it this way, Harry.

- He doesn't seem to have a very
active practice.

- Henrietta Lowell seems to be
his only client.

- Well, what I mean is

he may not be exactly overjoyed

at the idea of sharing her
affections with Henry.

- No! No, no, no! No
- Andrew.

- No, I won't accept it.
As your lawyer, I forbid it.

- But Andrew, I'm in love.

- Nonsense. After three days?

- Who is he? One of your students?

- That little wino who went
with you on one of your field
trips to the Canary Islands?

- Malcolm Finger is not a wino, Andrew.

- But it is him?

- No, it is not.
- Well then, who is it?

- A foreigner?

- Some little wop with a fancy title?

- What's the little
fortune hunter's name?

- Really, Andrew.

- I don't see why you take it for granted

that the only reason that somebody
would marry me is for my money.

- There may be some other basis, you know?

- Oh my God. Oh my God. Of course,
Henrietta. Don't you think that I know?

- Haven't I proposed to you these past ten
years on whatever other basis there is?

- Look, it's it's just that with
your discreet beauty

and womanly presence

- I find it deeply suspicious for anyone

who claims to

penetrate the many mysteries

of your personality in just three days.

- You're saying that I'm plain and shy

but that after a while you get used to it.

- I am not. No, I'm not, I'm not.

- I'm saying that you're not flagrant.
I'm saying that you're subtle.

- Like some very expensive
custom-made hat.

- I don't know what I'm saying.
Can't you see that I'm distraught?

- Andrew. Andrew, listen to me.
You will find You will find someone else.

- Andrew, you will find some wonderful
woman who deserves you.

- Are you alright, Andrew?
Andrew, oh, please. What's wrong?

- Nothing, Henrietta. Nothing.

- Henrietta, darling
- No, no! Andrew! No more

- We should talk.

- Andrew, I'm going now. I'm leaving,
in order to meet Henry

who, it just so happens, is an
American citizen of English extraction

with a very large fortune of his own.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- What's Henry's last name?
- Graham.

- Oh, Andrew, please.
Please come to the wedding.

- I'll be so disappointed if you
don't give me away. Please?

- Please?
- Alright, alright.

- Henry Graham.
You won't get away with it, Henry Graham.

- Won't will not get away with it!
Let me see. Now, I have to do something.

- Who do I know who's pregnant
and a good sport?

- Yes, Mary Amney?
- A Mr. Harry Graham is on 21, sir.

- He says it's extremely urgent
and confidential.

- Harry Graham?
- Yes, sir.

- Very well, put him on.

- Little ninny, doesn't even
know his right name.

- Mr. Graham.

- You wonder why I called you here today.

- One day before the ceremony that
will unite you as man and wife.

- Let me explain.

- As Henrietta's friend and attorney,
it behooves me

to take on the ever unpleasant
role of the devil's advocate.

- And despite her assurances
that you are a man of means

- I've taken it upon myself to
investigate your financial status.

(crashing sounds)

- Excuse me, sir.
Tea will be delayed for several minutes.

- Andrew, you had no right to do that.
- Alright.

- It's quite alright, Henrietta.
I have nothing to hide.

- The Grahams have been with
the same bank for six generations

as Mr. McPherson has
undoubtedly discovered.

- I didn't speak to the bank, Mr. Graham.

- I spoke to your uncle.

(crashing sounds)

- Your butler seems to have weak wrists.

- Andrew, I think it's just dreadful
of you to do that.

- To call Henry's uncle
and speak to him

as if he were opening up
some kind of charge account.

- I'm so sorry, Henry.

- Henrietta, I didn't call Henry's uncle.
Henry's uncle called me

in order to tell me that
his nephew here

borrowed $50,000 from him
five and a half weeks ago

because his trust fund ran out

and he had to pay some back bills

and marry a wealthy woman before
the news of it got around.

- I hope you can substantiate
this hearsay, because I
intend to sue you for slander.

- Oh, I can substantiate it alright.
I wouldn't be here if I couldn't.

- Henrietta, here's a photostat
of the original note.

- Now take a good look at it.

- They're rather interesting
terms, aren't they?

- You're still gonna sue me
for slander, Mr. Graham?

- Yes, Mr. McPherson. I am still
going to sue you for slander.

- You see, McPherson,
I knew for several years

that my money was running out.

- Now, if you can convince a court

that any man with the
slightest interest at all in money

would sit around for several years
doing nothing

while his money ran out

and then borrow $50,000 under the most
disadvantageous terms imaginable

so that he could dash out and
catch himself a rich wife

in order to pay it back
within six weeks

- I will withdraw my suit for slander.

- Alright.

- Now, let's put in this way, Graham.

- Now, let's put in this way, Graham.

- If you can convince a court

that any man without any interest at all
whatsoever in money of any kind

would borrow $50,000
for no reason at all

- I'll withdraw my charge.

- Agreed.

- Alright. Let's hear the reason.

- Now, you were going to use the $50,000
to set up a fund for the disadvantaged

and make a better world.
Am I close?

- No sense in being facetious,
Mr. McPherson.

- I was going to use the $50,000
to tidy up my affairs

and then immediately afterwards

kill myself.

- Yes, Henrietta. On the day I met you
I was a dead man.

- My life was over. And then

something happened to me.

- I suddenly realized that if

by some miracle I could have you

- I would have a purpose, an answer
to the emptiness of my existence.

- And so I proposed, Henrietta.
Not to get your money

but to find out
if I had a reason to live.

- Henry, why didn't you tell me?

- I would have married you
the very first day.

- Henrietta, wait a minute!
You don't believe that garbage, do you?

- Any sex-starved half-wit
would know that's just a line.
What's the matter with you?

- You have been unbelievably cruel.

- Thank you for keeping
me alive, Henrietta.

- You're welcome, Henry.
You're entirely welcome.

- I can't believe this!

- Get off.
- I beg of you, Henrietta Sorry

- I beg of you, Henrietta. Don't get
carried away. Henrietta.

- If he's not really interested in
your money, make him prove it!

- I would do anything in the world
to prove to you, Henrietta

that I haven't the slightest interest
at all in your money

but there is absolutely
no way I can do it.

- There is no way.
- I have a way.

- But there is no way.
- Henrietta, I have a way.

- Have him consent to some kind of
legal arrangement

that prevents him from gaining
financially after the marriage.

- Don't listen to him, Henrietta.

- That way, people won't get the wrong
impression from his uncle the way I did.

- That's a good idea.

- Let's make all my accounts
joint with Henry.

- And he's to have a checkbook
with his name on it.

- And I would like the debt to his uncle
paid before the wedding.

- You would like you would
Are you crazy?

- Have you gone totally out of your mind?

- I thought it was your idea.
- It was not my idea!

- My idea was for him to disclaim
all your money, not to share it.

- Oh, that's really just ridiculous,
Andrew. It's very naive of you.

- If Henry disclaimed all my
money, I would have to write
all of his checks for him.

- And then people really would think

that he was marrying me for my money.

- Don't you see?
This way he'll already have all my money.

- So that no one can possibly think
that he's marrying me for it.

- Don't you think it's a good solution,
Henry?

- You nincompoop!
That's no solution at all.

- Henrietta, I love you.
- How dare you call my fiancee a nincompoop?

- Harold! Get Mr. McPherson's hat
and show him out.

- Hat?
- Yes.

- We have to get to the bank
before it closes at 3 o'clock.

- Nein, nein, nein.
Nein, nein.

- I thought you were going to play the Bach.
- This is what he told me to play.

- Harold, you've got to stop her.
That little woman. She's touching things.

- Oh no. She's Harold, she's
unscrewing my Montrazini.

- You don't have time to make a fuss now,
sir. I'll screw it back when she leaves.

- She's destroying my living room.

- Why did I get into this?

- I don't even know her, she's a stranger.
I don't want her here.

- Get out!

- Oh, I thought this was the bathroom.

- Well, it's not!

- And if you touch anything else,
I'll have you arrested.

- Oh, sir, get a hold of yourself.

- This is what it'll be like,
isn't it, Harold?

- She'll be everywhere, touching things.

- Poking her nose into
where it doesn't belong

pretending she's looking for the bathroom.

- No, sir. You will share things.

- I don't want to share things.
I want to own them all by myself.

- Why are you standing there,
you little spy?

- McPherson sent you in here
to find out what was going on?

- Oh, sir.

- Is he the groom?
- Don't answer that, Harold.

- I'll ask the questions from here on in.

- Henrietta, if I could just talk to you

- [Bo] That woman isn't quite
as isolated as I thought.

- Who are you really?

- Come on now, let's have it!

- And I want real names
or else you'll regret it.

- I'm Dodi Heinrich.
Professor Heinrich's daughter.

- Professor Heinrich?

- Harold, he's invited
some Nazi to the wedding.

- Sir, you are hysterical. You must
get hold. You are due at the altar now.

- I won't move until she leaves.

- I will not get dressed
in front of a woman

and she might as well understand that now.

- You already are dressed.

- Get her out. Out!

- Miss. Heinrich, I will escort you to the bathroom.
- Get out! Out!

- And she will not touch my things.
I will not have her touching my things.

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

- Come on. It's time.
What are you doing up there?

- Frank, I think one of my legs is
shorter than the other.

- Yes, I know, old man. It'll get

longer again after the ceremony.

- Oh, I'll kill her.

- Henrietta, it's not too late.

- I love you, Henrietta.

- Please don't do this insane thing.

- Oh, Henrietta, I just
talked to his uncle

- I'll kill myself, Henrietta

- I'll slash my throat, I'll jump out a window.

- Would you step back just half a step,
so Henry can stand next to Henrietta?

- Dearly beloved.

- We are gathered together here
in the sight of God

and in the face of this company

to join together this man and
this woman in holy matrimony

which is an honorable estate
instituted of God

signifying unto us the mystical union
which is betwixt Christ and his church

- I'll be leaving now.
I hope you'll enjoy your stay.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Erm, Henrietta, I will use this chest
and you can use that one.

- Or would you prefer that I use
that chest and you use this one?

- That one will be fine.

- And I will unpack my own things.

- I have a certain way
that I unpack my things.

- And if anyone touches anything
I get mixed up.

- Yes, Henry.
- Alright. Then shall we unpack?

- I'm just going to dig up this specimen

and take it home for classification.

- It's probably been classified for years

but I might as well just try it anyway.

- Why not?

- This is really incredible.

- I know this isn't a Cyathea.

- I know it's an Alsophila but

it seems to have some kind of
vestigial indusium.

- Whoops!

- Henry?

- Commonly found in gardening sheds.

- [Henrietta] Whoops!

- Perfect.

- Spreading and emulsifying agents.

- Soap, saponins, gelatin

- Sticking agents, defloculating agents

- Get poison from gardening shed.

- Toxides: arsenic acid, sodium arsenite,
boron compounds, cyanides

cyo-cyenates and
related compounds

(Henry humming "There's No Place Like Home")

- Home, home on the range...

- Oh, Henrietta, I meant to ask you

which, er which bed do you prefer?

- This one or that one?
Either one is fine for me.

- This one is fine.

- Fine. Then I will take that one.

- And when we both use the same
bed, we'll use this one.

- Champagne?
- Thank you.

- Henrietta, where is your other arm?

- It's in the nightgown.

- It's a Graecian-style nightgown.

- It fits over one shoulder and
the other one goes inside.

- It's very uncomfortable. I can barely
move my head all the way around.

- Fine I just think you have
your head through the arm-hole.

- If you'll just stand up for a minute.

- That's it. There you are

- I think You see, you have
your head through the arm-hole.

- Now, pick your arm up

- No, not that one.
Put that one down.

- That arm down. Let's pick
this arm up. Thaaaat's it.

- That's it.

- Now, here we are.

- Just get this over here
- Let me put my glasses

- Oh, here. Let me put
your glasses down here.

- Alright. Now, hold it

- No, just a minute.

- See, you have your
you have your head through the arm-hole.

- We have to get your head out
out of the arm-hole.

- See, both of the
holes look very similar.

- Where where is your head-hole?

- Well, I thought my head was in it.

- No. You had your head in the arm-hole.

- Where are you now?

- I'm still where I was.

- Where?
- Just a minute.

- Oh. Here. That's it.

- Here you are.

- I'll get your arm
- This arm?

- Yes. Get this arm through through
No, wait a minute. You have

- There. That's it.

- Now put this arm

through here.

- This is a head-and-left-arm hole.

- Here. There you are.

- That's it. That's it!
- Oh, I see.

- Now, there! That's the way it's
supposed to It still looks strange.

- I'm sorry to be so much trouble dear.

- That's alright. It's not for long

- Harold, Harold!
- Welcome home.

- Where is Mrs. Graham, sir?
- Who?

- Is she not with you, sir?
Where is she, sir?

- Harold?

- Oh, there you are, Madam.
Oh, welcome home, Mrs. Graham.

- May may I express my great
joy at seeing you again.

- Thank you, Harold. Heavens.

- Harold, where is the chauffeur?

- I couldn't find him, sir.

- He disappeared just as
I was about to leave.

- Couldn't find him?
- No.

- John is a little forgetful, dear.

- That's why I usually take the bus.

- Who's John?
- John is the chauffeur.

- His memory lapses.

- I I think you ought to
prepare yourself, sir.

- Mrs. Graham's household is
incredibly democratic.

- Couldn't find the chauffeur?

- Chauffeur? Chauffeur!

- Well, you're early.

- Well, welcome home and
congratulations.

- Mrs. Traggert, I'd like you to meet
my husband, Henry Graham.

- How do you do?

- Henry, this is the housekeeper,
our housekeeper, Mrs. Traggert.

- May I ask where the chauffeur is?

- Well, didn't he pick
you up at the airport?

- No, he did not.

- Oh, well

- I guess, er, his car broke down.
I'll have to look into that.

- Will you you're wanting dinner
at home this evening?

- Henry, would you want dinner
at home this evening?

- Yes, supper for two, Mrs. Traggert.

- Very good.

- Thank you, Mrs. Traggert.

- You're welcome.

- Well, how do you like it so far, dear?
- Well, I've only seen the foyer.

- Oh, well, this is the main hall.

- Oh, baby. Oh, I need you.
Oh, I want you. Aah ooh

- Oh, who who are they?

- Erm, one of them was a maid and
the other er was the chauffeur.

- John, the chauffeur?
- Yes.

- Tell me, Henrietta, on what basis
do you hire your servants?

- Efficiency or personal charm?

- Both, actually. I mean,
I don't actually hire them.

- Mrs. Traggert does most
of the hiring, but I, er

- When I did hire them,
I used both criteria.

- Oh, er, madam?

- Are you a guest in?
Is she?

- Madam, would you mind using
the servants' staircase?

- This is Mrs. Blatt.

- This is the cook's daughter, Mindy.

- [Mrs. Blatt] What are you doing with that cigarette?

- [Mrs. Blatt] Not at your age,
you want to get emphysema?

- Er, Madam, would you mind
letting us through? We Harold!

- - Harold?
- Yes, sir?

- Harold, get the household accounts
from Mrs. Traggert immediately

and meet me in the
drawing room in ten minutes.

- You can finish the luggage later.

- You may go now, Harold.
- Yes.

- This is insane. Absolutely astonishing.

- I thought it might be, sir.
She keeps it under the mattress.

- Hm. Look at this, Harold.

- There are 17 servants in this house,
including a cook's daughter

who gets $200 a week
as her mother's helper.

- The food bills average
out to $130 a day.

- And there are no receipts.

- Miscellaneous: $6,000 a month.

- Harold, after dinner

- I want all the servants in this room

and be sure that Mrs. Graham
is not present.

- Copy this ledger exactly and put it
back under the mattress.

- Certainly, sir.

- Harold, do you happen to know
where the gardening shed is?

- Yes, sir. It's in
the back of the garden.

- Oh, good. Well, I guess I'll take
a stroll around the grounds.

- We don't have anything like that,
Mr. Graham.

- Mrs. Graham wouldn't allow it.

- She's a strict believer
in the organic method.

- But surely some of the
more basic pesticides

arsenic, strychnine that kind of thing.

- No. A healthy plant in a healthy soil.

- That's the organic method.

- It works, too.

- Oh, really?

- Well if it really works,
why change it?

- [Staff] For he's a jolly good fellow...

- Mr. Graham, on behalf of the entire
staff, I would like to welcome you aboard

and drink a toast to your success.

- Thank you very much, Mrs. Traggert.
No, thank you.

- No, thank you very much.

- Mrs. Traggert

- No, thank you.

- I would like to say a word,
please, Mrs. Traggert?

- There's something about you
that puzzles me.

- Why do you continue on in the arduous
position of housekeeper

when by investing wisely you could have

your own little townhouse
in Sutton Place?

- And a guaranteed income for life.

- Surely, after having
successfully managed

to pad the household accounts

to the tune of 35,000 tax-free dollars
per year, for the past five years

you must have salted something away.

- Have I ever.

- I'm not including, of course

the token salary of $800 a week

- Four four hundred.
- Oh.

you receive as mad money.

- Huh, is it mad?

- Mrs. Traggert, you're fired.

- I don't understand.
I don't know what that means.

- It means that you are
a thief, Mrs. Traggert.

- On what grounds are you
making this accusation?

- I'm calling you a thief

on the basis of the household accounts

which you very sensibly
hid under your mattress.

- Listen, Mr. Graham, could I speak to you
for just one little minute, please?

- The time is now 7
minutes past 9 o'clock.

- If you are not out of this house
by 10, I will call the police.

- Shall we synchronize our watches
or would you rather go for broke?

- Uh, eh You, er, you wouldn't like
to hear my side of the story?

- Alright, alright! I'm leaving.

- Oh, John.
- Yes, sir?

- John, do you think we ought to
scrap our cars?

- You see, according to your
gas consumption and mileage record

each car averages 15 miles a day

at 1 mile per gallon,
while parked in a garage.

- It would mean bankruptcy if we
actually took them out on the road.

- We did those figures wrong

by about half.

- John, do you have a suitcase?

- Yeah, I have five.
I could always use another one.

- Well, five will do very nicely, John.

- Pack all five and be out of
this house in 45 minutes

or I will shoot you on sight
for trespassing.

- I-I-I, I don't get it.

- I'll try to clarify it, John.

- You're being fired
because you are a cheap crook.

- Now, if you are not out of this house
and off these grounds in 45 minutes

- I will shoot you as a trespasser

with proved criminal intentions.

- And I am an excellent shot.
Does that make it clearer?

- Well, er why, if you gotta
act like that I quit.

- As for the rest of you, you have
exactly two hours to get out.

- Out!

- And I do not believe that
for one second.

- Is the party over already?

- You too, Madam.

- He means business!

- These are the traveling accounts, sir.

- Thank you, Harold.

- Henry, there are a lot of strange
people in the house, who are they?

- Yeah. They are not people,
Henrietta, they are servants.

- I hired them this morning.

- You know, Henry, Mrs. Traggert
will be furious.

- Mrs. Traggert has been fired along
with the rest of the staff

so her emotional responses need
no longer concern you.

- Oh, Erica, this is Mrs. Graham.

- This is our new housekeeper.
She'll be working under Harold.

- Fine. Fine. Thank you.
You may go now, Erica.

- Henrietta, come, please.
Thank you. You may go, Erica.

- Henrietta, come.

- Don't shake hands, please.

- Don't shake hands
with the servants, Henrietta.

- It destroys all hope of any discipline.

- You fired Mrs. Traggert?
- Yes, I fired Mrs. Traggert.

- You fired John, too?
- Especially John.

- And they agreed?

- We didn't vote on it, Henrietta.

- I simply told them they were fired.

- Which reminds me

- How attached are you to Mr. McPherson?

- Oh no, oh no, Henry.

- He's a total incompetent, Henrietta.

- Do you have an idea how much money
has been spent to run this house?

- No, but Andrew knows.

- Andrew has co-signed all
of Mrs. Traggert's checks.

- Really, he has his finger on everything.

- He co-signed all of
Mrs. Traggert's checks?

- Yes. He's very thorough.

- Henry
- He... you... allowed Mrs. Traggert

to have her own
checking account?

- Yes. It was the household account.

- She said that it would be easier for her.

- Uh, so I, I, uh did.

- Henrietta.
- Yes?

- Never, er, never mind I

- Henrietta, I'll handle the
finances from here on in.

- Yes.

- I would like the bank to issue a
statement covering all your accounts

and please instruct them that no check
is to be drawn on any account

unless it was co-signed by me.

- I can go over your holdings
and your federal and state
tax returns after you're...

after you're after,
afterwa-, afterwards.

- Holdings and federal, okay.
Heavens. Oh.

- Just a piece of cotton, dear.

- Oh, Henrietta?
- Yes?

- I suppose you're absolutely satisfied
with the organic method?

- Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

- Shut up!

- Now, Mr. McPherson.
I want you to do something about this.

- I didn't even get my two weeks' notice.
- Nobody did.

If a judge sees those salaries

he'll clamp you in jail on spec.

- Very few chauffeurs make $600 a week.

- $300. You get half
- From all of us.

- I advise you to keep
your mouth shut about that.

- According to the records, I don't take
anything at all, and don't you forget it.

- Is that so?

- Alright, alright. Laura! Take it easy.
Wait a minute. Wait. Laura? Lester?

- We'll put him into it!
Our word is as good as his.

- Now Laura, Lester?

- Laura. Kids.
- I'm not a kid.

- Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Let him talk.

- Kids, we've been together
a long time, right?

- We've been a great team.

- We've had some bad years and good years.

- We laughed a little. Cried a little.

- Put a little away together.
But it's all over now.

- There's nothing we can do about it.

- Yes, Mariamne?

- The bank chief called

- saying that Mr. Graham
has instructed them

- not to issue any funds
without his signature.

- Henry, you have a B.A. in history.

- ...gardening shed

- Oh, Henry, how wonderful.

- Whom do I know with
a gardening shed?

- I sprayed and the
crown gall was gone.

- What an exciting coincidence.

- Have you ever thought
of teaching, dear?

- There is an instructorship opening
this fall, in history

- and there seems to be absolutely no
prospect at filling it

- with so many of the teachers
gone into the science department

- ...back in the evening together.

- Never.

- Don't you?

- We could have lunch together
in the teachers' cafeteria

and then, every semester, we could grade
our term papers together in the study.

- Henrietta, for the last time.
I have no inclination to teach.

- No, not the slightest.

- How do you know, dear,
if you've never tried?

- Instinct.

on a cash basis accrual basis

therefore deduct taxes in the
year in which they are actually paid

- Henry?

- Might as well finish the
accounts and get you

and get them out of the way before
the end of the week.

- He handles the income taxes rather well.

- Henry, I wanted to ask you something.

- What?
- I wanted to ask you something.

- Well, you know that every summer
I go on a field trip

for my research work.

- And I was just wondering if this year

it would be alright
if I went on a field trip?

- Field trip?
For how long?

- Only for a week or two.

- I I thought I might go on
a canoe trip on the Adirondacks.

- It's it's very lovely there.

- It's all sort of tangled and isolated.

- And, erm I usually go
with one of my students.

- But, erm I just
it just occurred to me

that this year you and I
might perhaps go together.

- Together?
- To the Adirondacks.

- The Adirondacks.
Would we need a guide or anyone?

- Not if we didn't wander from our camp.

- And I would feel perfectly safe
with you there, Henry.

- I would feel safer
even than with a guide.

- Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

- Sounds like the answer to everything.

- Harold, can't I use a suitcase?
- I wouldn't if I were you, sir.

- I think carrying a suitcase through the
woods would prove something of a hazard.

- Well, don't forget to pack my Cesani.
- Yes.

- Mrs. Graham seems to be a most
good-natured lady. sir.

- I'm pleased that the marriage
is working out so well.

- She's not good-natured.
She is regressed.

- I have never seen such
a helpless human being.

- Do you remember some
weeks ago, sir, when

when you told me that
you'd lost all your money?

and you had no skills and no ambitions

- Harold, don't forget to
pack the compasses and the
maps. We will need those.

- Yes, sir. But it seems you do have
skills and ambitions.

- I mean, look how you've
taken over the house.

- You've learned to handle accounts
and grapple with taxes

and you've tidied up Mrs. Graham.

- Oh, no. I forgot to check her before
she went to school this morning.

- She'll be walking around all day with
price tags dangling from her sleeves.

- I took the liberty, sir.

- Oh, thank you Harold.
Was she free of crumbs?

- Only a slight sprinkling, sir.
I brushed her up.

- Well, sir, my point is, sir

that you have shown
the most surprising talent, sir

and although Mrs. Graham's helplessness
is a little bit irritating at times

couldn't it be in some strange way, sir

that this very helplessness

has been the stimulus of your own
amazing new competence?

- I mean, very often, sir

you know, what we... what we
dislike most in other people

is only a reflection about our
own inadequacies, sir

and our own shortcomings.
- Harold.

- Why don't you pack the revolver?
Please put the flask down, Harold.

- Put the flask down. Pack
never mind. Just put the flask
down. Put the revolver down.

- I'll do it. You may go now, Harold.
Thank you very much.

- Yes, sir.

- Henry! Henry! Henry! Henry!

- Henry! Henry!

- Easy, Henrietta. I'll be right down.

- Henry?
- I'm here.

- Relax. Just easy.
Catch your breath. That's it.

- Relax. Calm down.

- Here we are. Sit down.

- That's it. That's it, now.
Catch your breath. What is it?

- It's been accepted.

- My Alsophila ignocardium grahami.
They've accepted it.

- Try to speak calmly, my dear.
What is it they have accepted?

- It's a tropical tree-fern.

- And I discovered it
during our honeymoon.

- And when I couldn't classify it,
I thought it might be a true species.

- But I couldn't believe it,
so I sent it to Wagner

at the University of Michigan.
And Henry, it is. It's a true species.

- I've discovered a true species.

- Well. That's very nice. Very nice.

- Well, well. Now you'll be able to name
a whole species, won't you?

- Just like what's his name?

- Louis de Bougainville.
- That's right. Or James Parkinson.

- Or Brussels sprouts.

- Well, well, well. You've
achieved the kind of immortality
after all, haven't you?

- Now you'll be in all the
atlases under L

right before Morgan,
Muller and Mendel.

- It would be cross-indexed under G.

- Alsophila grahami, for Graham.

- For Graham?

- You mean that you've discovered a new
species and have named it for Graham

after doing all your work as Lowell?

- You fool.
That's not the way to name a species.

- Can't you do anything right?

- I didn't name it for me, Henry,
I named it for you.

- Alsophila grahami, for Henry Graham.

- Alsophila grahami, for Henry Graham.

- Well, are you sure that they'll know
I mean, that it's me?

- Will they have my name in the atlas
under under G?

- For Henry Graham?

- Yes, and they'll have you in all the
textbooks, Henry, as a footnote

- As a footnote
and in the atlases under G.

- Well, I've achieved a small slice of
immortality myself, haven't I?

- As a footnote and under G.

- Are you pleased, Henry?

- Oh yes, it was very thoughtful of you,
Henrietta. I believe I am pleased.

- I put a tip of one frond
into a plastic token

so that you can wear it always.
If you want to.

- Oh yes. Well, why not? I mean
it will be a wonderful conversation piece.

- "What frond is in your token, Henry?"

- "Oh, my own frond. An Alsophila grahami.
Why do you ask?"

- You like it?

- Yes, yes. very attractive, isn't it?

- Good lines. I mean, for a frond.

- Don't you don't you think it should
be under under L? I mean

- Alsophila lowellia or something?

- I feel as though you've given me
your place in the atlases.

- Henry, I don't think I could have
ever discovered it without you.

- You gave me confidence.

- You remember? You said that if being
with you was going to give me confidence

- I was going to be a
very confident botanist.

- Well, you were right.

- Alsophila grahami.
Well, well, well

- Henrietta, what happens if you
get lost in these woods?

- Well, various things.
- Various things such as what?

- For example, if there is a stream

then you would follow the stream.

- Which way?
- We would follow the stream upstream.

- Henry, I'm having such a wonderful time.

- Our entire marriage has been
like a long, beautiful field trip.

- That's nice.
That makes me feel better somehow.

- Would you like some more Z11?

- No thank you.
It's the Z11 that's attracting them.

- It's a repellent.

- So they would lead you to believe.

- Would you like some more
Calamine lotion, dear?

- No, thank you.
It only makes it itch more.

- They say that if you don't scratch,
it itches less.

- Well, they're wrong.

- It only looks like it itches less
because you're not scratching.

- One just got me on
the bridge of the nose.

Should we put something on it?

- No, thank you.

- From now on, Henrietta,
I'll make the coffee.

- Yes, dear.

- You're all sticky, Henrietta.

- I spilled the honey.

- Here, Henrietta.

- From now on, dear,
I'll make the dinner.

- What will I do?

- You'll eat.

- It seems easier to paddle somehow.

- That's because the current gets
stronger as we approach the rapids.

- Look, dear, aren't they beautiful?

- What?

- The rapids.

- Those are the rapids?

- Yes. Just tell me exactly what
to do, dear. I'm a very good sailor.

- Paddle like hell towards shore!

- Aaaah!

- What?
- Never mind!

- Never mind?
- Never mind!

- Do I have to paddle in any particular
direction, dear?

- Full harder to the left side!

- The left side! Full harder!

- Although we keep pulling
on the left side, we seem to
be heading towards the bank.

- Aaaahhh! The right side!

- The right side!

- Henry, how much longer do
the rapids go on?

- That's odd.

- It just seems to stop.

- Oh, Henry! Listen!
Henry, it sounds like a waterfall!

- Oh my God. That's what it is.

- It just stops and becomes a waterfall.

- Paddle like hell towards the bank!
Towards the bank!

- There is no bank!
There is just a lot of rocks!

- Henry?

- Henry?

- I can't

- I can't swim.

- Henry!

- Henrietta, you hold onto
that log until I tell you to let go!

- The canoe overturned. I looked
desperately through the waters but

- I I couldn't find her.

- Henry?

- And if only she had told me
she couldn't swim.

- If only we had taken a guide.

- But she had her heart set on
going with me alone.

- Alright, Henrietta!
I'm ready for you now!

- Take a deep breath,
hold your nose and let go!

- Henrietta, look. I mean

- Look. An Alsophila grahami.

- Alsophila grahami.

- Up here, in the north woods.

- I've lost it.
I've lost my token.

- I've lost my Alsophila grahami.

- Henrietta.

- Henrietta! Dammit to hell!

- Damn, damn, damn! Nothing ever turns out
the way it's supposed to.

- You work. You plan.
Henrietta! Dammit!

- Alright.
You may breathe now, Henrietta.

- You may breathe now.
Let go of your nose.

- Now, hold my shoulders. Face me.
Hold my shoulders. That's it.

- Hold on to them. Alright.
Hold them.

- Breathe, breathe.
Through your mouth.

- Keep your chin up.
Chin up.

- Breathe through your mouth.
That's it.

- And if you taste water, spit it out.

- Don't spit on me, Henrietta.
Just spit the water out into the river.

- That's it. That's it.
Now breathe. Very good.

- Here now. Sit down in the sun
and warm up.

- That's right.

- That's good.

- There.

- Are you still cold?

- Well, I better hold you. My body
should provide some warmth.

- Henry. Henry. Henry?

- I'll always be able to
depend on you, won't I?

- All the rest of my life?

- I'm afraid so.

- Henry, the history classes are going
to be much smaller this year.

- Henrietta, I'm not
going to teach history.

- Probably.

- It seems a shame, though, Henry.
You are a very talented man.

- Are you sure you won't change your mind?

- I don't know.
I have no mind as far as I can tell.

- Are you still cold?

- I'm a little warmer.
- Good.

- Henry? Henry?
- Yes?

- I know that this isn't
exactly what you planned.

- What?

- But will you mind doing it very much?

- Being a history instructor?

- And going to the university
with you in the mornings?

- And grading term papers with you
in the study every semester?

- Not terribly.

- Come. I think we'd better go.