A Dog's Will (2000) - full transcript

Tonight, at the church of Tapero?...

..."The Passion of Christ"!
- An adventure film!

One unarmed man...

...faces the entire Roman empire!
- Don't miss it!

The story of a creature
who is both man and God!

A film of mystery, full of
miracles and amazing events!

"The Passion of Christ",
the world's boldest film!

I'll go blind if it isn't!

"THE DOG'S WILL"

- Anybody home?
- Hey, who's there?

It's me. It's only me.
I heard you needed a helper.



Why do you ask?
Do you want to help?

Okay. I never say "no"
to help and money.

- How much do you pay?
- I'm doing you a favor.

- I told you, you look like a fool!
- Are you unemployed?

- Unemployed and starved.
- And dying to help!

- Then the job is yours.
- Fine. The job is yours.

- How much is the pay?
- Not much.

On the other hand,
the work is plenty.

- So you need two helpers.
- For the price of one.

- And how much is that?
- How much?

- Five crowns.
- Five crowns.

- Is that good for you, Chic??
- It is for me.

So let's do the math. Chic?
works for two, gets paid for one.

- I'll do all the work?
- Of course not...



but you can do half, can't you?

- I guess so.
- It's settled.

He works for 2, gets paid for 1,
does half the chores.

I work for 2 more, get paid for 1,
and do the other half.

- I said 2 for the price of 1!
- This is 4 for the price of 2...

which comes out
the same, master!

- Is that right?
- Sure it is. Can't you add?

It's a deal.

There are more than
60 types of cuckolds.

Wow! That's more
than there are birds!

The "hasty" type is
cuckolded before marriage...

and the "careful" type
likes his wife well-dressed!

Come on, dearie,
eat it, please!

Forgive my asking,
but do you talk to dogs?

I do. Why?
Do you want to talk to me?

- And does it listen?
- She listens...

but she doesn't
do what I say.

I've been begging her to eat
all day, but she just won't.

- If it won't, I will!
- She's lost her appetite.

She barely ate today.

We haven't even
gotten to the "barely"!

She had manioc and
milk in the morning...

- Manioc and milk...
...a tiny bit of cassava...

A tiny bit of cassava...

...and an itsy-bitsy serving
of chicken stew.

Ah!
Chicken stew...

At around 1O a. m...

...she had a bowl of porridge.
- A bowl of porridge!

A tiny bowl,
because I begged her.

If you beg me a little,
I swear I'll eat!

Even if you don't,
we'll eat just the same.

What nerve you've got!

You have your own food!

We feed you like kings,
and you ingrates complain!

Buttered steak, Chic?!

Should I eat now
or look some more?

Jack, the bitch's
throwing a fit!

Damn!
It must have been the food!

God almighty!
Our food's been poisoned?

For a bitch used to filet,
our hodgepodge is poison!

You'd better hurry to tell
the mistress the news.

Dona Dora!

A terrible thing has happened
to one of your loved ones.

To hell with Eurico!

I mean that little
bitch of yours.

Holy Virgin!
What happened to her?

Help! My little bitch is sick!
Help me, Saint... Saint...

Who's the patron
saint of dogs?

Saint Francis, I think.
He used to speak to animals.

Help me Saint Francis of...

Is he from Padua or Assisi?

That, I don't know.
You'd better ask the priest.

That's it! Go get the priest
to bless my bitch!

- Bless the bitch?
- Yes!

The Bishop is coming. I doubt
the priest will bless the bitch.

Why not?
I once had a blessed horse.

Come on, Chic?!
I'm up to here with your stories.

They're always strange.
And you explain by saying:

"I don't know, but so it was."

But I did have the horse!
Should I say I didn't?

Because of your stories,
people say you can't be trusted.

I can't be trusted?
Tom Marty can confirm it!

Tom Marty's been
dead for 3 years!

- But he was alive when I had it.
- When you "had" it?

You mean you gave birth
to the horse?

No, but nothing
surprises me anymore.

Last month, a woman
foaled a colt in Cear?.

It's the drought,
people starving.

They can't have babies,
so they have horses.

Horse's food is cheaper
and you can sell them.

- What was the blessed horse like?
- A finer horse, I'd never seen.

Once we chased a heifer from
dawn to dusk without a rest.

We started in Para?ba and before
I realized it, we were in Sergipe.

What about the
S?o Francisco River, Chic??

You and your questions!

Of course!
How did you cross it?

Didn't I say the horse was blessed?
That's why nothing surprises me.

Blessed horses, blessed dogs,
I've seen it all.

But your fibs won't
convince Father John.

- A bitch?
- Yes.

- For me to bless?
- Yes.

That's crazy,
plain nonsense!

I told him you wouldn't.
He insisted, so here we are.

There's no way
I'll do it!

I don't see anything
wrong with blessing it.

Didn't you bless
Major Moraes's new mill?

A mill is something
everyone blesses.

But I've never heard
of blessing a bitch!

I like dogs better than mills.

But that will make
a laughing stock out of me.

It's fine to bless a mill,
everyone does it. But not a dog!

The priest is right, Chic?.
People will mock him.

One thing is Major
Antonio Moraes' mill.

Another is Major
Antonio Moraes' bitch.

What?

I said the Major's mill was one
thing, and his bitch, another.

So the bitch's owner, of whom
you speak, is Antonio Moraes?

Yes. I didn't want to come,
because you'd be mad.

But he's rich and powerful.
I work for him...

so I had to do it, or I'd lose my job.
But I told Chic? you'd be angry.

No, Jack!

What right has a Minister of God
to be angry?

So, you'll bless it, right?

- What do you think?
- It's no big deal.

I agree. There's no harm
in blessing God's creatures!

So all's well with God!

The bitch will be blessed,
and everyone will be happy!

Tell the Major to come.
I'll be waiting!

Eurico, you sissy...

...still cheating your customers?
- Major Antonio Moraes!

I haven't seen you in town
in so long!

This town stinks like cat shit!
I only came because I had to.

- And what brings you here?
- Remember my daughter?

Sure! Long hair, dark eyes,
wide shoulders, big breasts...

Stop right there or
you'll be in deep trouble!

With all due respect!
She was only a child!

Well, Rosinha's been a little ill.

She's coming from Recife
to rest at the farm.

Like all women,
she loves going to church!

She asked me to get the priest
to give her his blessing.

- What do we do now, Chic??
- I have nothing to do with it.

Holy Virgin! We have to stop him
before he sees the priest!

You made the mess.
Now, you sort it out.

But you went with me!

- Now, help me out!
- No way!

Come on, Chic?. You're used to these
matters. You had a blessed horse!

Antonio Moraes may be a horse,
but he sure isn't blessed!

Major Moraes!
How are you?

- Just as you can see.
- Great! Looking for the priest?

- You ask too much.
- Do you want me to get him?

If I did, I'd have told you to.

Just so you're not shocked:
the priest is going mad.

- The priest? Mad?
- Yes, the priest!

He won't respect anyone
and wants to bless everything.

I brought him a message from
my boss, but I was ill-treated...

...in spite of who my boss is.
- Who's your boss?

The baker! He said he was a dog,
but he'd bless him anyway.

- That's insane!
- I know, but it's his thing.

He blesses everything
and calls you a dog.

That with your boss.
With me, it'll be different.

- Forgive me, but I disagree.
- You disagree?

Yes, because he said...

"That dog puts on airs because
he's the Major's friend."

What are you saying?
Are you sure?

Positive! The poor priest
has gone loony.

I'll clear this up.
Someone will pay for this!

- Can you spare some change?
- Get yourself a job!

I can't work, sir.
I only have one eye.

Poke the other one out
and sing at the fair!

It's a great honor to see
Major Antonio Moraes in church!

It's been a while since you
last visited God's house!

You mean I haven't been
to mass in a long time.

Not at all! I'm aware of
your duties, your health.

You know I don't work
and my health is perfect!

What brings you here?
You needn't tell me...

...the little one is sick.
- How did you know?

Word gets around
pretty quickly.

- Does it stink yet?
- Stink? What?

- Your little one.
- No!

- What do you mean by that?
- Nothing. Manner of speaking.

Well, this manner
of yours is very odd.

Forgive this old,
ignorant priest.

- What ails her? The mange?
- The mange?

Yes. I've seen one die
of it within a few hours.

It started on her tail and
spread to her whole body.

On her "tail"?

I'm sorry.
I should've said "hindquarters".

We owe respect to the ill,
even if they are inferior beings.

"Inferior beings"?

Father, beware!

The church is the pillar of society,
but there's a limit to everything!

- What did I say?
- "Inferior beings"!

My full name is Antonio
Noronha de Brito Moraes!

"Noronha de Brito" comes
from the Count of Arcs!

My people came
in the caravels!

Surely! And the little one's
forebears did too, right?

Of course!
If mine did, so did hers.

What are you insinuating?
That her mother is...

- A bitch!
- What did you say?

- A bitch.
- Say it again!

I see no harm in saying it.
Isn't her mother a bitch?

Were you not a priest, and
crazy at that, I'd kill you!

I'm going to talk
to the Bishop!

I won't bless it,
and that's that!

I'm not prepared.
I have to think it over.

You mean blessing
the Major's bitch was fine...

but you have to think it over
when it's my bitch?

My husband is the president
of the Brotherhood of Souls!

- I'll make him resign!
- She'll make me resign!

You won't get one
single loaf of bread!

Not one!

- And you get your bread for free!
- You get it for free!

And he pays for
the church repairs!

I pay for the repairs!

- What's all this about?
- What is it about?

This is the voice
of truth, Father.

Now you'll see who
the baker's wife really is!

- And what are you, then?
- The cow!

The cow I lent you,
so you'd have milk.

- I want it back today!
- Today!

- Even the cow?
- You're overdoing it!

And didn't I tell you
to stay with the bitch?

- Didn't she?
- She did.

- How is she?
- It's still got four paws, a nose...

- Don't tell me she's worse!
- I won't.

- But is she? Tell us!
- Make up your minds!

Don't tell me you let her die!

- I didn't let her!
- Thank God!

But you know
she never listens.

Chic?! You should've
stayed with the bitch!

If I had, who'd have brought
the news of its death?

My little bitch is dead!

The bitch met its fate.

It met the only
irreparable doom...

that marks our strange
destiny on this Earth.

The unexplainable fact...

which puts all living things in one
flock of condemned creatures...

because all that lives
shall die.

"All that lives shall die."
Nice.

Where did you hear that?
You sure didn't make it up.

No, I didn't.
I heard it from a priest.

- When my pirarucu died.
- Your pirarucu?

Actually, I think I was his.
Didn't I tell you about him?

No. I've heard of men owning fish,
but not the other way around!

It was when I was in Amazonas.

I wrapped the harpoon rope
around my body and my arms.

When it bit, it pulled me
into the river.

- The fish caught you.
- Exactly! It caught me.

In short, it dragged me
for 3 days and 3 nights.

3 days and 3 nights?
Weren't you hungry?

No, but I was
dying for a smoke!

When it died, I waved my hands
and some people freed me.

But weren't your hands tied?

When things get tough,
you find a solution.

- What did you do?
- I don't know, but so it was.

My little bitchie!

We must all
resign ourselves.

If you had blessed the little critter
she'd still be alive!

I don't have that power.

Just one thing: you have
to give her a decent burial!

A funeral for the bitch?

Yes, and it has to be in Latin.

- Or else, it won't do.
- In Latin, it won't do.

- In Latin, it will do!
- Yes, in Latin, it will do!

You're all crazy!
I'm not giving the bitch a funeral!

The Brotherhood will
lose its funding!

- I won't do it!
- The Brotherhood has lost its funding!

- I won't do it!
- My husband resigns the presidency!

- I won't do it!
- I resign the presidency!

- I won't do it!
- The little cow...

will be taken from the
church right away!

- You heartless woman!
- Heartless?

Because I don't want to see
the buzzards eat my bitch?

- Will you bury her or not?
- If it were up to God, I'd do it.

The problem is the Bishop!

All you'll ever get is stale bread,
cash up-front!

- You cruel woman!
- And for double the price!

- Can you spare some change?
- No.

- Help a poor one-eyed beggar!
- Why should I?

- Did I poke your eye out?
- No, sir, you didn't.

I can poke the other eye out,
so I'd have to give you money.

The bitch stays until
the priest agrees to bury her.

But, dear, she's
starting to smell.

Then you leave!
Maybe the stench won't be so bad!

Give me a free hand,
and I'll get the bitch buried.

- You've got it.
- Can I loose the purse strings?

- Yes!
- This is going to be easy!

- What are you up to getting?
- I'm getting the bitch a funeral.

And in Latin!

- Father John?
- What is it?

- I'm here for the cow.
- What a heartless woman!

If I could, I'd bury the bitch,
the cat, whatever!

But the Bishop is in town!

These folks are nuts.
They think pets are people.

The bitch even had a will
naming you as a beneficiary.

Wait a minute!
A bitch with a will?

She was a smart bitch!

When she was
on her deathbed...

she'd look towards the church
every time the bells tolled.

Finally, my boss understood:
she wanted a Christian burial.

My boss had to promise to add
50 crowns to the bitch's will...

which would go to the priest,
for the funeral.

What a bright animal!
What noble feelings!

But, without a funeral, this part
of the will can't be executed.

Now, the bitch's going
to be eaten by buzzards.

That's not going to happen!

- What about the will? Where is it?
- It's been legally registered.

A bitch like that can't
be eaten by buzzards!

I agree!

- Here it is, Father.
- There's no hurry.

The Bishop! I didn't expect
Your Grace just yet, so...

Never mind. As the French
would say, "Iet it pass".

But there are certain things
I can't easily let pass.

- I don't know what you mean.
- You will...

when I tell you I spoke
to Antonio Moraes.

- Antonio Moraes went to you?
- Yes, indeed.

He complained about
your behavior towards him.

I don't know what you mean.

I don't see why
it's so hard to grasp.

He said you were
extremely rude to him.

- He did?
- Let's be serious, Father John!

You know exactly
what I'm talking about!

Why did you call
his wife a bitch?

- Who, me?
- Yes, you!

I swear I never called
his wife a bitch!

- You did, Father John.
- I didn't, Your Grace.

- Yes, you did, Father John.
- I didn't, Your Grace.

- You did, Father John!
- I did, Bishop.

Well, did you or did you not?

I didn't. But if you say I did,
you must know better.

So it isn't true that he asked
you to bless his daughter...

and you called his wife
a bitch?

- His daughter?
- Yes, his daughter.

- He meant his daughter?
- Yes, that's what I'm saying.

The Cricket told me
it was for the bitch!

Who? Is this a joke? What is this
story of crickets and bitches?

Forgive me, Your Grace,
but now I understand!

Now, I don't understand!

Why did you call me a rascal?

Because that's what you are!

It doesn't say that
on my birth certificate!

You rascal! Now explain
to the Bishop the story...

about Major Moraes'
bitch being sick...

and why I ended up
calling his wife a bitch.

Is that why I'm a rascal?
That's nothing!

It's much worse to bury a bitch in
Latin, in a Christian funeral...

and even then I wouldn't
call you a rascal!

- What's wrong?
- Suddenly, I'm in pain!

Poor Father! But you should have
heard my mistress at the funeral.

Help me, Jack the Cricket,
dear friend, I'm dying!

Me? Who am I to help a priest?
I'm nothing but a rascal!

- I take it back!
- Take it back...

...but the bitch was buried in Latin.
- A bitch? Buried in Latin?

He means it was barking.
"Bowwow", you know?

No, I don't. I've never
seen a dead dog bark.

What's going on?

What's the matter?
The ruckus has just begun.

Is that true?
A bitch buried in Latin?

- Why? Is it forbidden?
- You'll be suspended, Father!

As for you, Jack the Cricket
you'll regret your tricks.

Pitting the church
against Antonio Moraes!

It's a shame, a disgrace!

Yes, indeed,
it's a shame, a disgrace!

A mongrel like that,
daring to leave a priest...

...and a bishop money in her will!
- What?

You mean you haven't
heard of the will?

- Will? What will?
- The bitch's will.

The bitch's will?

Yes, bishop.
The bitch left a will...

a folly of her owner.

It left 5O crowns to the parish...

1OO to the diocese.

That's why I always say animals
are God's creatures, too!

What a bright animal!
What noble feelings!

At the owner's request,
I allowed it accompanied...

- The funeral?
- Yes, the funeral.

- In Latin?
- I uttered only a few words, really.

"Blah, blah, blah,
defunctorum, Amen!"

We must mull it over.
It's a matter worth discussing.

Let's call the congregation.

- How are you? Do you feel better?
- Feel better?

How could I? I lost my bitch and
spent 15O crowns on the funeral.

It was cheap, for a priest
to bless a critter.

I once saw a critter
bless a man for 2OO.

- What critter was that?
- A parrot I had.

He was born in a seminary and
he learned the Bible by heart!

Then, I moved to a town
without a priest.

- The parrot dispensed sacraments.
- What happened to the parrot?

He became a Protestant and left to
a Baptist church in Gl?ria de Goit?.

- I heard he died of old age.
- How could that be...

if you say you saw its birth?
Parrots live to be over 1OO.

- I don't know, but so it was.
- Chic?...

I've been so terribly lonely
since my little bitch died!

- You should get another pet.
- And what would you suggest?

A canary, to cheer you up.

I want a bigger pet.
My loneliness is very big.

A rabbit, a guinea pig...

Bigger!

- A dog, a goat...
- Bigger, bigger!

- I think I get it!
- And are you going to stand there?

- What if Eurico walks in?
- Are you scared?

Scared? Me?

I'll grab him by the horns,
spin him around and shake him up!

- Will you, really?
- I will!

Oh! I love a tough man!
Say it again!

I'll shake him and shake him...

So come on and shake me up
a little, tough guy!

- Like this?
- Yes!

- What do I do now?
- I'm supposed to ask you.

What do you want me to do?

- Me?
- Yes!

- Say you're the man around here.
- I'm the man around here!

- Say it again!
- I am the...

- Dora?
- I forgot I had a date with Vince!

It's cheat and be cheated on,
all in one go!

Open up, Dora!

Big Vince will kill us
if he catches you here!

- Who's Big Vince?
- Don't you know Big Vince?

He beat up Mr. Golias,
from the drugstore.

- Help me, my St. David!
- And pelted Big Ernest.

Enough!
I don't want to hear it!

- I'd rather not know him!
- What should I do?

I don't know! It's your house!
You're in charge.

- Open the door!
- What do I do now?

I'll think of something.

Damn, I'm angry, today!

I've got the Devil
under my skin!

Why didn't you open the door
when I told you to?

What do you mean?
It's wide open!

And what took you so long?

Didn't you tell me
to dress up for you?

- Yes, I did.
- So I was dressing up.

After all, who's the man
around here?

Do I have to say it?

You don't have to,
but, if you want to...

I'm the man around here!

Oh, I love a tough man!

- Say it again!
- I'm the man around here!

Again!

I'm the man...

Dora!

- It's my husband!
- Now, we're screwed!

Dora!

- What do I do?
- Beats me!

It's your house.
You're in charge.

What do I do now?

Pretend you came here
after someone.

I don't get it!

You don't have to.

Get your knife and
run out shouting...

"l'll get you, you bastard!"
Got it?

I'll get you, you bastard.

Dora, I'm losing my temper!

- I'll get you, you bastard.
- That's it!

I'll get you, you bastard!

- I'll get you, you bastard!
- What the hell's going on?

You got here just in time!

- In time for what?
- Vince wanted to kill Chic?!

Who's Chic??

Come on out, Chic?,
he's gone.

- Good evening, boss.
- He's so pale!

He'll be even paler unless
he tells me what's going on.

Big Vince...

swore he'd kill Chic?,
and decided to do it here.

- Right here, in our home!
- In your home!

- So, he swore he'd kill you?
- Yes!

On his mother's soul,
may she rest in peace.

- If it weren't for you...
- You're such a wimp, Chic?!

Why didn't you fight him?

I would've beat him up!

Oh, I love a tough man!

A job, a task, a duty...
I'll take anything.

Your reputation
isn't that great.

Major, people expect
the poor to be perfect.

They say you're a rascal,
a good-for-nothing!

Sir, so many qualities are
demanded that I doubt...

any master could get a job!

Let's make a bet.
I'll ask you 3 questions.

If you get them right...

...you've got the job.
- Let's do it!

I've got nothing to lose.

Yes, you do. If you don't,
I'll strip the skin off your back.

- Oh, damn!
- Well?

It's a deal, but I have to
talk my shaking legs into it!

Okay, here's the first...

how far is it from one end
of the world to the other?

A day's journey!
That's how long the sun takes!

- What's over a king's head?
- The crown!

- What am I thinking now?
- Of beating me!

Very well, Jack the Cricket.

So you really are smart.

You're even smarter,
since you're my master now.

So go fetch my daughter in town.
She's coming in from Recife.

The Major, Jack?

- But the Major's mean!
- As if the baker's any better!

I want revenge for what they
did to me when I was sick.

I was in bed for 3 days,
without a single glass of water!

While the bitch got steak!

I hate people who like
pets better than humans!

Do you want to die?

I'll die, but I'Il
take you all with me!

- Mr. Severino?
- Does anyone else look like me?

- I didn't have to kill anyone!
- Stop being such a sissy!

I don't like to kill people.
I'll do it, but I don't like it.

- Where were you going without me?
- We were going to look for you.

I checked the whole town,
and there's no police.

And no one gave me a cent!

That's why I steal. I don't like to,
but asking just doesn't work.

But that's okay, because
now I hate them even more!

There won't be a soul left
in town to tell the story!

It'll be easier than
slapping a drunk!

Left, right, left, right.

Left, right, left, right.

Halt!

The 2Oth platoon wishes to
salute the people of this town!

Itapero? can now wage war...

against Brazil!

Corporal Setenta,
at your service.

I might take you up on that!

They're all sissies.
I know the sort.

They need those uniforms
to prove that they're men!

Corporal, let me introduce you.

This is Eurico, my husband.
Big Vince is my...

Our friend.

Pleased to meet you!

My, how you've grown, Rosinha!

You're so pretty,
so well-built...

That's kind of you,
Mr. Eurico!

I've been a little ill...

that's why I'm here.

When will you be leaving?
I mean...

...how long will you be staying?
- If I could, I'd stay forever...

but mother won't leave the city.

I'd live there if I could.

There are too many jerks
around here.

Excuse me. I have to go to church
before going to the farm.

The Bishop's giving
out his blessing!

The Bishop?
It'd be a sin to miss that mass!

Excuse me!
The military must salute the clergy!

- Isn't there a novena, today?
- You, however, are excused.

Hi, Chic?!

There you are!

Having a good time
while I have to work!

You do?

Have you been drinking?

What?

Never mind.
Mass is about to start.

- Who's he?
- Chic?.

- Chic? who?
- Just say "Chic?". He'll come.

I just got a craving for a sweet.
Get me a cone!

- What about the mass?
- I need it right away!

- And the blessing?
- I need a sweet!

I'll buy you one.

- At your service!
- Get me a sweet!

- A sweet?
- Yes. Right, march!

Thank you, Chic?.

- How do you know my name?
- I guessed it.

- Your sweet.
- Chic? already got me one.

- But you asked me!
- He guessed.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Everyone reads
minds around here!

Someone is offering
this song to Rosinha.

He says that he won't say
who he is...

because she'll have to guess.

Rosinha!

You're all grown up now,
and I have to protect your honor.

You'll get married
before leaving.

- Me, Father?
- Yes, you! Don't play dumb!

Here's your dowry.

This piggy bank belonged
to your great-grandmother...

Rosa Benigna Vaz de Medeiros.

Every day, she'd
deposit a coin in it.

When she died, she left it to you
as a wedding gift.

You were named after her.

I pray to God the good lady
lived a long life!

She lived to be almost 1OO.

This pig is full of money.

You have to find a brave,
educated man to marry.

How, father?
I don't like anyone!

Nonsense!
You'll learn to love him.

Oh, Virgin Mary!

I'm being forced into marriage!

Don't worry!
You'll find someone you like.

With your beauty
and this pig...

you'll have plenty
of men to choose from.

I can't eat.
I'm completely in love.

- Why don't you tell her?
- I'm too poor.

- Marry her and you'll be rich.
- But how?

I can tell you how...

but don't forget me
after you're rich.

I won't need money,
if I don't eat.

Marry her.
You'll start eating again.

And you'll also get
a piggy bank full of money...

from her great-grandmother.

- You get half if you set it up.
- It's a done deal!

I'm going to see
the corporal right away.

The corporal?
Are you trying to help or what?

He's crazy for her!
If he finds out, he'll kill me...

and so will Big Vince!

With my plan,
you'll chase them both off...

and still marry Rosinha!

Good morning!
How are you?

What's all this intimacy?

What's the problem? Can't I even
say good morning, Corporal?

I'm just being courteous
and civil...

am I right?

I hate people who say
"Am I right?"

It drives me crazy!

- It does?
- Yes.

But old habits are hard to break.
Am I right?

I'll throw you in jail!

- I'm dying to lock someone up!
- No need for such bullying!

I'd like to see you
do this to Vince!

Are you suggesting that I,
a Corporal, am afraid of a thug?

No, no!
Only that it takes two to fight.

- Am I right?
- Watch it, boy!

- I'm sorry, Corporal!
- I'll let it pass this time...

but only because of one thing.

- I think I know what.
- No, you don't!

Yes, I do! I know the hidden secrets
of your military heart.

What kind of intimacy is this?

I know you could arrest me.

You're being nice because
I work for a certain lady...

you are very fond of.

- It's too much suffering, Jack!
- Suffering?

You, an authority?

Authorities also suffer.
She doesn't like me.

- Says who?
- That's what I think.

Thinking can be misleading.
Am I right?

- I wish it were so.
- I've spoken to her about this.

- You haven't!
- I swear to God.

She even told me she had eyes
for a certain corporal.

- Do you swear?
- By this very light.

Jack, you know I like you a lot,
don't you?

Look how he's changed!

Yes, I know you're
crazy about me.

Am I right?

Yes!

Yes, I am.
And you could help me out.

Anything you say.

I'd like you to take
a brooch to Rosinha...

...and tell her it's from me.
- Hand it over.

What a beautiful brooch!

- Almost a full month's salary.
- I'll see that she gets it.

- See you!
- See you! Thanks!

I owe you a favor!

- Good Morning, Vince.
- I'll pretend I didn't see you.

I woke up in a bad mood.

I swore I'd stab
the first person I saw.

- But you shouldn't be angry today.
- I'll be angry any day I want!

I want to be angry,
and it's none of your business!

But on Rosinha's birthday?

- Is it her birthday?
- You'd better calm down.

Why?

- She doesn't like me anyway.
- How unfair!

Today, she told me
she was in love.

She did?
And with whom?

With the town bully,
she said.

- That can only be me!
- But you're in such a bad mood!

It's gone, Jack.

- Would you grant me a courtesy?
- A courtesy?

Would you give her
these earrings?

I bought them today.
What a coincidence!

I bought her a present,
and it's her birthday!

It's no coincidence.
It's fate!

Fate's action
gives me goose bumps!

Tell her that.

Tell her chance
wants us together...

and has joined our lives
in the web of fate!

She'll like them a lot.

What a plan I'm concocting!

- Who sent this beautiful jewelry?
- Someone who's crazy about you.

- But no one likes me.
- This guy likes you a lot.

- Who is he?
- I can't tell you.

- Is he handsome?
- I'm too modest to say.

- It's you, Chic?!
- I won't deny.

Since I met you,
I've felt like dying...

but have lived to think of you.

I thank you, but I can't
accept your gifts.

- I know I'm poor.
- I don't care about that, Chic?.

But if you at least
had a degree!

I'm a Ph.D. in hidden sciences,
dramatic philosophy...

dogmatic biology, charlatanic
perversion, electronic astrology.

- If only you were brave...
- I'm the bravest man around.

You aren't!

The bravest men here are
Vince and the Corporal.

I'd gladly finish them off!

- Would you face one of them?
- Both. I'll chase them away.

- I'd like to see that!
- Will you take the jewelry?

I will.

And if you do what you said,
I may even wear it!

My friend, you're finally here!

I was hanging around,
enjoying nature.

Is everything all right?

- Is she waiting for me?
- Who?

Rosinha, who else!

You're the one who should know.

Be straight with me!
What did she say?

About what?

The gift! Tell me!
It's driving me crazy!

Oh, right!
She kept it.

- That's it?
- What did you expect?

- Did you want her to faint?
- She could at least have been glad!

She was!
Who wouldn't be...

with a brooch
and a pair of earrings?

What pair of earrings?
I only sent a brooch!

One brooch.
A smart lad sent two earrings...

...one for each ear.
- Who was it?

And which gift did she like best?

Which touched her the most?

- Go on, tell me!
- She hasn't been touched yet...

but I know she likes brave men.
She wants both to duel.

- She'll take the winner.
- Who is the knave?

I'll eat his liver...

...and rip his hearts out!
- He's only got one heart!

Well, get him another!
I'll rip them both out!

Don't interrupt my anger
with your fuss!

- Who is he?
- I don't know.

But I saw Chic? earlier today,
on the Major's property.

He said he'd be meeting you
after mass, at 7 p.m.

- Chic??
- After mass, at 7 p.m.

And what does he want?

It's about the earrings
you gave Ms. Rosinha.

Do you think that moron's
challenging me?

He also spat when
he said your name.

That kid wants to die...

and I want to kill him!
A perfect match!

Ms. Rosinha loved the
brooch she got as a gift.

He had the nerve
to give her a brooch?

Today I'm going
to have some fun!

It's settled. At 7, after mass,
we'll chase them away.

Did you forget
that I'm a sissy?

- They're worse than you are!
- Are you trying to humiliate me?

No one's a bigger
sissy than I am!

But Rosinha won't know that.

She's going to think
you're the devil incarnate!

I'm a sissy,
but I'm not stupid!

They're going to kill me!

I'm saying it'll be okay,
and you'll finally...

have Rosinha's heart!

- How will it be okay?
- You'll see!

- Dead men can't see!
- Just do as I say.

Oh, Virgin Mary!
I'll either be dead or humiliated!

Either way,
I'll lose Rosinha!

May the punches
not hurt too much...

may Vince's knife
be soft in my empty gut...

and may the Corporal's
bullets kill me quickly!

But if Jack's plan works
and I get out of this alive...

I promise never again...
Never again...

to sleep with another
woman in my life!

None...

but Rosinha.

- Will you walk with me, Chic??
- Is mass over?

You were praying so hard,
you didn't notice.

I was praying to Our Lady.

- What were you praying for?
- For a miracle, actually!

- I'll bet it was for love!
- I was praying not to die of it.

Is your heart
beating that fast?

- It's popping out of my chest!
- The bullies are waiting for you.

- What do they want?
- Didn't Chic? tell you?

- He's going to fight them.
- Chic?, you don't have to do this!

If you say so!

No, Ms. Rosinha!
No friend of mine will be humiliated!

- This is no game!
- You'll see!

He's quiet and rational
until he loses his temper.

- Chic?!
- Yes?

Be careful not to
hurt them too bad.

Don't worry.
One shout from Chic? will do!

- Looking for me?
- I've found you already.

Make your last wish.

I'm dying to stick my knife
in your gut!

- Am I interrupting?
- Feel free, Corporal.

Excuse me, Corporal.
He's a rascal.

Don't waste your time on him.

No Corporal for you, Vince.
Never mind my title today.

- I'm here as a civilian.
- Therefore...

you can't arrest me if
I finish off a rascal right here!

But he has a tryst with me.
I'm going to deal with him.

What's going on, Jack?

- Chic? has proposed a "truel".
- A "truel"?

A three-way duel.

Well, Chic?, with whom
was your tryst?

The tryst was with both...

but only to give them
a message from Rosinha.

She said she loved the gifts
you sent...

and she'll wear the one
from the winner of a duel.

Maybe we ought
to think it over.

Are you afraid?

I'm not afraid!
Authorities are never afraid!

Are you ready, Vince?

Right now?
No, man!

- Ms. Rosinha will be scared.
- What do you mean?

She's dying to see a man
riddled with bullets...

with his guts pouring out!

Oh, Lord!
What now?

- Chic? starts counting.
- One...

- They start walking.
- Two...

At "go", they turn
and shoot at Chic?.

- But he's unarmed!
- Guns are for sissies!

- Three!
- Jesus!

Go!

- My Father Cicero!
- My Virgin Mary!

Go away, you rascals!

Didn't I tell you?

They'd better not
play brave around me!

There!
They're gone!

You'd better get ready
to honor your promise.

Your prayers have been heard.

It'll be easy.

I promised to love only you
from then on.

Major, I'm sorry to bother you.
This is a friend of mine...

from Serra Talhada.

He's a candidate
to court Rosinha.

He must own land or have
a college degree.

He has both land and a degree.

Why haven't you asked him in?

Nice to meet you, Mr...

- Chic?.
- Chic? what?

Francisco Ant?nio Ronaldo
Ermenegildo de Arag?o...

Correia Vaz Pereira G?es.

Chic? is just a nickname.

No wonder, with such a name!

What is your property called?

- What property?
- You see, he's got quite a few.

Dr. Chic?, what about that
farm in Serra Talhada?

- Farm in Serra Talhada?
- Farm in Serra Talhada!

What a nice...

simple name!

Besides being a landowner,
you've got a degree?

He's a lawyer!
Graduated in the capital.

So you know all about laws.

Not everything, really, no.

- He's modest.
- And you want to marry my daughter?

Actually...

He's so used to German that he
forgets how to speak "Brazilian"!

- Rosinha!
- Yes?

Come and meet a suitor.

- A suitor?
- He came as a candidate...

...but I've promoted him.
- I like somebody else, father.

Who let you?

I didn't mean to,
but now, I can't help it.

- Who is he?
- He's poor, but brave and honest.

Mine wins!

He's rich, schooled,
and speaks German!

- I can't tell my heart what to do!
- But I can.

You have one week
to forget your boy!

I'd rather die!

But, if you insist...

There.
She's been tamed.

- We'll get married next week.
- So soon?

I have to obey you, Father!

And I have to obey her.

And the Major will obey
his grandmother's wish...

and give Rosinha this
piggy bank as a wedding gift!

- Good afternoon.
- We're screwed!

Speaking of a wedding,
here's the priest!

Whose wedding?

I'd like you to meet
my future son-in-law.

- Chic??
- Do you know him?

Everybody does.
It'll be the wedding of the year.

- The church will be renovated.
- It will?

- Don't you think it needs it?
- Certainly!

The church is in such
a shabby state!

Major Moraes wouldn't want bits
of it falling on the guests.

- Absolutely not.
- It needs roofing, painting.

Slow down, Father.
Congratulate Mr. Chic?, first.

Congratulations!
Repair the altar...

polish the benches,
get a new bell.

I think two hundred
crowns will do.

Go ahead.
Mr. Chic? will pay for it.

- Two hundred crowns?
- He's not used to little money.

Two hundred! It's what you gave
your servant to run an errand!

Pocket change.

I'll lend it to you, to give
the priest as an advance.

To be on the safe side,
let's get it on paper.

Go to town and get me a copy
of the deed to Dr. Chic?'s land...

the farm of Serra Talhada...

so we can use it as
collateral for the loan.

You sign this contract.
I get the land...

if the debt is not paid.

Go on!
What are you waiting for?

Why the deed, Major?

Dr. Chic? will prove a man's word
is worth more than his fortune.

He won't use
land as collateral.

Write it down: you will
be paid within a week...

or you can strip
the skin off his back.

Now, that's a brave man!

- Sign here.
- I can't!

He doesn't have his glasses.
Just stamp your finger.

You sign too, as a witness.

- My, how important I am!
- My, how dead I'll be!

That's how I like it.

- My skin! I like it so much!
- Stop your whining!

- It's my skin, and it's all I have!
- Exactly!

- What else could I have offered?
- Your tongue, so you'd shut up.

Fifty for the parish,
ten for the diocese.

No way.

Fifty for the diocese,
ten for the parish.

As the Lord's delegates,
we must preach fairness.

This isn't fair, Bishop.

As the Lord's delegates,
we preach fairness...

and humility.

Fairness, humility...

...detachment from worldly goods.
- Fairness, humility...

detachment from worldly goods...

and obedience!
So do as I say!

I don't know, Chic?.

No matter how hard I squeeze,
I don't have a single idea!

- It's because you're hungry!
- That's not it.

Hunger and trouble used
to make me think faster!

Where's Jack the Cricket,
the sharpest mind of all...

the smartest and boldest,
even in his sleep?

He's gone, Chic?.
The well is dry.

Not a single thought,
not a spark of an idea.

I'm surrounded by walls
in a room without a door.

Skinny, poor, and,
to top it off, stupid!

The only way out is death!

Farewell... Chic?!

Never again...

...will I eat manioc!
- No, this can't be!

You can't die in
the middle of this story!

Okay! I'm all better!

What a guy to die and
come back from the dead!

Don't you get it? I just
came up with my great idea!

Didn't you turn stupid
and die because of it?

If people died of stupidity,
you'd be long gone.

I stabbed this balloon full of
blood that was under my shirt.

I still haven't stopped shaking!

That's what you're going to do.

You hide this bladder full
of blood under your shirt...

pretend you're dead,
and then go off somewhere.

Rosinha pretends she's mad
with grief and goes to meet you.

Who would want to kill me?

A bandit. You die a hero,
defending the town.

I want no dealings
with such people!

I'll be the bandit,
you idiot!

I'll come in disguise!

Aren't you too skinny
for a bandit?

In fear, no one will notice.

- God, if I find a way out...
- Don't promise anything.

I always pay the price!

So I'm in it all alone?

Trust me.
Start bragging around.

Tomorrow you're going
to face the king of bandits!

It's too slow around here!

My hand is itching
to hit someone!

You scared away the town
bullies just 3 days ago!

I'm dying to fight again.

What fool would fight you?

Bunch of sissies!

I've thought of
joining the police...

so I could kill
some bandits.

Take it easy.

- It's a war out there.
- That's what I want.

I want to hear the shots!

The women screaming!

Bullets flying through the air!

It's all over!
The bandits are in town!

- This will make my day!
- What about the police?

- They ran away!
- They did?

They heard that the bandits
were coming from the church...

and took the opposite direction!

I just got a sudden urge to pray.

Watch out!
It's dangerous!

I'll show them a thing or two!

I'll leave my weapons!

My teeth will do just fine.

Your blessing, father.
I'm here for a wedding.

Where's the bride, son?

Right here.

You're going to marry death.

Who's he?
A canon?

- A bishop.
- Good.

I've never killed one before.
You'll be my first.

Get up! I have no
sympathy for your fits.

Your Grace will excuse me...

but I have to check your pockets.

I apologize for my poverty.
I can't help my friends out.

Severino is poorer than you.
He's got no one.

Only this old gun.

Fifty crowns!

Could that be?

Praying is a booming
business around here!

It was being put away
to remodel the diocese.

Maybe the church
will also be renovated...

and the father has something
for his friend Severino.

Yes, I won't deny it.
Here you go, Mr. Severino.

Five crowns.
That's all I have on me.

Really?
Is it possible?

If a bishop had 5O, a priest
should have 1O, at least.

Look at that!
Just like I said.

Ten crowns!

I may even quit
my robbery enterprise...

and get a job as a sacristan!

Whoever broke into the church...

come out, so I can trim
your horns, cuckold!

You're going to face a real man!

I like to do things right...

from the inside out!

Those are two things
I didn't know.

One: that I was a cuckold.

Two: that dead men could talk.

Oh, mother...

Were you challenging me,
you foolish rogue?

- Me? Challenging you?
- Answer me, instead of asking!

- Did you talk to me or not?
- It was a mistake, sir.

Had it not been a mistake,
I'd spare you for your bravery.

But, since it was,
I'll kill you with the others!

- Excuse me.
- Come on in.

My house is your house.

- And I'm all yours!
- Show me your left hand.

- With pleasure.
- Is that a wedding ring?

Yes.
I married a wimp.

But I regret it.
I like only brave men.

I'm ashamed of this one.

Ashamed?

You, a married woman,
should be ashamed...

of offering yourself
to another man.

Do you know what I usually
do with such women?

No.

I mark them on the chin.

And is the bakery doing well?

No.
I make very little.

There's nothing in here.
Look around.

I trust you!

You left what you had
in the safe at the bakery.

I took it all when I passed by.

One...

two...

three...

four...

five.

- Who's going first?
- Ladies first!

No way!
There's only one lady!

- It should be by age.
- The oldest go first.

- The youngest go first.
- Get ready to die!

- Severino of Aracaju has arrived!
- Are there two of him?

- If he's you, who are you?
- I'm me!

- But if you're you, who's he?
- We'll find out soon enough.

Who is this donkey pole?

- Who?
- You, saying you're me.

- No bother, I'm leaving!
- Hold it right there...

you skinny little wimp!

- What's going on?
- It's a mirage. You see two...

but there's only one!

Him!
Excuse me.

- Hold it, scoundrel!
- It's late. I have things to do.

I bid you all farewell,
and have a safe trip.

Not a chance!
You'll stay and die with the others.

Let's begin with the baker.

Let's do it!

He'll have the honor of dying
with his unfaithful wife.

Go outside. Severino doesn't
kill anyone in a church.

I don't like to kill women...

...but if I have to...
- Let go off me.

I have more guts than
most bastards around.

See?
Hold on to me.

And, now, it's the...

The Bishop's turn.

- Can't you take care of him first?
- No, it's your turn!

Okay, fine, you'll go together.

But he gets the first shot.

Be a man, Bishop!
Set an example for the priest.

He's scared to death.
Take them both!

It's bad luck enough to
kill 1, let alone 2 priests.

Don't chicken out! And the two
of you, keep your legs steady!

What a shame!
You take away all joy of killing!

Well, what are Your
Lordship's names?

Mine is Chic?,
if it pleases you.

My Lordship
is named nothing!

Poor men have
nothing but misery!

So, what is Your
Miserability's name?

Jack the Cricket.

Very well.

It's time for His Miserability,
Jack the Cricket...

the most cowardly rascal
I've ever had the honor to kill!

Hold it. I want to do you
a favor before dying.

- What's that?
- Give you this harmonica.

A harmonica?

What do I need that for?

- Not ever die from guns shots!
- What a lie!

I've heard of blessed bells
that cure snakebite...

but a harmonica
that heals wounds?

It does!

Father Cicero blessed it
shortly before his death!

- I must see it to believe it.
- Fine.

- Please, give me your dagger.
- Watch it!

Don't worry.

If I try anything against you,
shoot me.

Keep your gun on him.
He's the kind I'm afraid of.

- What now?
- I'll stab Chic? in the belly.

Not me!

Don't chicken out!

I'll play the harmonica,
and you'll come back to life.

- The balloon! The balloon!
- No, thank you, Jack!

I told you,
I'll play the harmonica!

So you get stabbed and
I'll play the harmonica!

Man, you know what?
That's enough talk.

Take this!

The balloon!

Drop dead, bastard!

- See the blood?
- Yes.

I never doubted
you'd stab him.

- I want to see you heal him.
- I'll get to it!

Virgin Mary! Father Cicero
must have blessed it!

- Don't you feel anything?
- Not a thing.

- And before?
- Before, when?

- Before he played it?
- I was dead.

- Dead?
- Absolutely.

I saw Our Lady and
Father Cicero in heaven.

But how, in such
a short time?

I don't know, but I did.

What did Father Cicero say?

He said...

"Give Severino this harmonica
I blessed before I died.

He needs it more than you do."

My God!

Only Father Cicero
would have said that!

With a harmonica that "unkills",
I'll like killing!

Jack, give it to me.

If you let me and Chic? go.

I can't.

I killed the baker, his wife,
the Bishop, and the priest.

They are waiting for you.

If I spare you, they'll haunt me,
because I'll have been unfair.

I gave you the chance
to meet Father Cicero!

Is this how you thank me?

Meet the Father?
I was never so luck.

Now you can meet him.

- How?
- Your man shoots you...

you visit Father Cicero,
I play and you return!

- What if you don't play?
- I wouldn't do that to you.

- I'll play, it's a promise.
- All right, but give it to him...

to be on the safe side.

- I get shot and go see the Father?
- Yes.

- Right, Chic??
- Yes, absolutely!

He's right there, dressed in blue,
surrounded by angels.

He said: "Tell Severino
I want to see him!"

I'm going!

- Shoot!
- But captain...

Shoot, I'm telling you!

Run off!
The police are coming!

- Shoot!
- Just do it, once and for all!

I don't like it, but if I must...

Wait!

- Don't forget the harmonica.
- Don't worry, captain!

So shoot!

The police are coming!

- Captain?
- Leave him a little longer!

Come on, captain!

Captain!

Damn you! You killed the captain,
didn't you?

Do you want some killing?

Take this, bunch of monkeys!

- Come on, Jack!
- I'm taking the money with me!

Run, Jack!

Bastard! For once in my life,
I'll enjoy killing someone!

Jack!

Jack! Jack!
Are you going to die?

I think I am, Chic?.

Things are blurry.

Poor Jack's going to die.

Quit the whining, Chic?.

You've seen a man die before.

The only thing I regret
is not getting the money...

I'd get when
you marry Rosinha.

Jack...

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Oh, God!

Poor Jack the Cricket's dead!

What a bastard,
to die like this!

What am I going to
do without Jack?

What am I going to do
without Jack?

Jack! Jack!

There's no undoing this.

Jack the Cricket is dead.

The world's smartest
Cricket is gone.

He fulfilled his fate...

met the irreparable doom...

which marks our strange
destiny on this Earth...

the unexplainable fact...

which puts all living things in one
flock of condemned creatures...

because all that lives...

shall die.

Hail,Mary

Hail,hail

Hail,Mary

Make your penitence

For all your sins

And tell Our Lady

To came and embrace you

Jack, you rotten bastard!

I don't believe it!

Not even here
you get off my back?

I've looked around,
but I haven't seen Father Cicero.

- He's got many people to see!
- You're right.

- It's crowded in here!
- And there are more coming.

Look at the four you dispatched.

There must be a special
place for the clergy.

By the way,
why aren't you down there?

- I'm dead, like you.
- I'm no man to die!

- Remember the harmonica?
- I do.

Why doesn't my man play it,
so I can go back?

Old fool!

Do you think a harmonica
can make you live?

Watch your mouth or I kill you!

How?
I'm already dead!

He's not the only one!
I'll kill anyone who laughs!

- We meant no offense.
- But you didn't die alone.

- We've all died.
- As Chic? used to say...

"we fulfilled our fates and
met the irreparable doom."

- Where's Chic??
- He escaped.

He's alive, the rascal!
Hell of a guy!

- He was the only one!
- As he used to say...

It's the first time I hear
the dead quote the living!

You'll pay me for this
harmonica trick, you bastard!

Bastard my butt!

I'm already dead!
I won't listen to this!

There's no rich or poor,
brave or cowardly.

We're all equals before God...

Or the devil!

Why are you all so surprised?

The door!

Am I a monster,
by any chance?

Not at all!
Your elegance impresses us!

- You look like a movie star.
- Do you think so?

- I do.
- Then I do too.

Has anyone ever told you
you're much nicer in person?

And I don't usually like
people at first glance.

See? The devil isn't
as ugly as they say.

Okay, but this smell of sulfur...

Is my smell bothering you?

Oh, no, no.

It's quite nice!

I'm about to faint
because of the smell!

Watch it!
Be respectful.

Please!

- We mean no disrespect!
- I'll let it pass for this time.

You should thank God
the devil's a nice guy.

- If I were him...
- If I were him...

I'd wash real hard
to get rid of this stench!

You're going to pay
for everything you did!

I love a tough man!

I'm going to send you all to hell!

We're screwed!

See what you've done?

I wanted him to show us
his true face!

Now, we know who
we're talking to!

I'm sending you all
to the eternal fire...

to suffer with me!

You think we'll go,
just because you said so?

That's right,
and there's no way out!

What a hell of court is this,
with no right to an appeal?

A person has to be heard...

...before he's convicted!
- Nonsense, foolishness!

It may be so...

but I appeal
to the Mighty One!

Help me, My Lord
Jesus Christ!

Who is it?
Emmanuel?

Yes, it's Emmanuel, the Lion
of Judah, the son of David.

Come all, for you shall be tried.

I mean no disrespect
to such an important person...

but that guy just
called you Emmanuel.

That's right, Jack.
That's one of my names.

But you can also call me
Jesus, Lord, God.

Hold on a minute!
Are you Jesus?

Yes, why?

Because... No disrespect...

but I didn't think you'd be
so brown!

- Hush!
- You hush.

You were more astounded
than him, but didn't show it...

out of worldly arrogance.

- The time of falsehood is over.
- Well said!

The color may not be the best,
but you're very good with words!

Thank you, Jack.

But you yourself are
prejudiced towards race.

I came like this on purpose.
I knew I'd get a reaction.

And you, quit imitating my looks!

You know you're not equal to God.

Big deal!

- Face me.
- I'm fine the way I am.

As you wish.
Make your report...

starting with the Bishop.

Simony. He approved the
funeral of a bitch in Latin...

because the owner
paid him 1OO crowns.

- Is that forbidden?
- I don't know...

but you thought it was...

and then, suddenly,
you changed your mind.

And there's more!

Deceit.
Disdain towards the poor.

Submission to the powerful!

And all of the above
can go for the priest!

But I didn't falsely quote
canonic law, like he did.

But you are being
unsympathetic towards him!

Will my deeds here count?

No, the devil is just confused.

- What about the baker?
- He and his wife...

...were the worst masters in town.
- It's a lie!

No, it isn't! It's true!
I was sick...

"For 3 days without a single
glass of water." I know, Jack.

Everybody's heard this story
several times.

But I couldn't take it!

Steak for the bitch,
starvation for Jack?

- It was too much!
- The husband, a tightwad.

The wife, an adulteress.

If you place it on a scale,
they were both terrible.

- Accuse Severino.
- Do I have to?

He killed more than 3O people!

This devil is everything
I've always hated...

a DA, a sacristan,
a dog, and a policeman.

You're being funny, now...

but Emmanuel is fair. Things
look good for me, not for you.

That's true. Things look bad.
The charges are serious.

What amuses me the most...

is seeing this coward
shaking with fear.

I can't help it! If I could
stop shaking, I'd defend myself!

Stop!

What a relief!
I was getting tired.

- What was that?
- One of the devil's tricks.

He likes playing games.

It could only have been
that mischief-maker!

What do you say
in your defense?

I know you're clever, but
you know you've been accused.

Actually, I haven't
been accused of anything!

- No?
- No, he hasn't!

He made such a fuss that
I forgot to accuse him.

But I'll get you now,
you rascal.

He plotted the
bitch's funeral...

inciting simony.

He encouraged Chic?
to be with a married woman...

inciting concupiscence.

He devised Severino's death...

premeditated murder!

Jack, it seems
you overdid it.

His case is hopeless...

so I'll take him first.

I haven't given up!

I may go, but not that easily!

- I will appeal!
- To whom, Jack?

Even the Lord said
the charges are serious.

Wait.

- To whom will you appeal?
- To someone closer to us.

- Someone who watches us.
- A saint?

I may look stupid, but I'm not.
I have a higher card.

Who's that?

"Our Lady, save us all
Hear us when we call

Milk from the gentle cow
From the stubborn, not now

The gentle one has calmed down
The stubborn one put her foot down

I was once a brand new boat
The finest ship afloat

I've been a boy and man
I haven't been a woman yet

Aid me Our Lady
Mother of God of Nazareth!"

Here comes the Compassionate.

Women meddle in everything!

You did call me,
didn't you, Jack?

- Did my verse anger you?
- No, Jack.

Why would I be?

They were funny,
and that is good.

It's the devil
who likes gloom.

- I object!
- I know you do, but I'm sorry.

I can't go against My Mother.

I just love her habit
of saving everyone!

It demoralizes everything.

- That's because you had no mother!
- That's right!

Such a mean fellow must've
come from an incubator!

Why did you call me?

This son of an incubator
wants to take us to hell.

I had to appeal to you.

I'll see what I can do.

I plea for these poor souls...

for they have no one.

Don't condemn them.

- I appeal to justice!
- And I, to mercy.

We must consider the poor
and sad condition of man.

It all starts with fear.

Because of it, men commit
evil deeds, almost unwittingly.

- It's fear.
- What do they fear?

They fear many things...

suffering...

Ioneliness...

and, above all,
they fear death.

And you tell me that?

I, who died alone, abandoned...

even by My Father.

Don't forget the night
you spent in the garden...

the fear you underwent.

Poor man!

Made of flesh and blood,
like any other man.

Like all men, you were left
alone to die and to suffer.

Everybody fears death, but that
doesn't make them righteous.

How did this fear make the baker
and his wife better people?

Fear of death alone
does not redeem sins.

But it may,
at the time of death.

In the Hail Mary, I am asked to
pray for men when they die.

I do.

And I look unto them at this hour.

Often, it is when they die...

that they finally find what they'd
been looking for all their lives.

That's what happened
to Eurico and Dora...

when they were about to be shot.

Stand here.
I'll shoot from the church.

You'll have time
for a Hail Mary.

I'll pray too,
and she'll hear us.

We always think we can
live a little longer.

I like living...

but I've always asked myself if
I wanted to live longer than you.

Now, I know.

I couldn't stand to see you die.

- I want to die first, Eurico!
- Oh, Dora!

Why did you cheat on me
all this time?

That was the reason...

It was like killing you
in my heart little by little.

I was so afraid of losing you,
I wanted it to happen slowly!

Don't worry.
Now, we'll be together forever.

Hey, mister,
we have one last wish.

- We want to die together.
- Good, it'll save me a bullet...

but it's one less for my record.

I claim, in their favor...

the husband's forgiveness
at the time of their death...

when he put his arms around her,
so they could die together.

He was the greatest
victim of her actions...

and, yet, he prayed for her.

I note your plea. What about
the Bishop and the priest?

They also had their revelation
at the time of death.

It's bad luck to kill a priest.

- Especially for the priest!
- Before I shoot...

I want your absolution.

To be forgiven,
you must repent first...

and you can't kill us.

- I'll repent later!
- Then go repent in hell!

Even if I go to hell,
I have to obey the captain.

We can't deny absolution.

We can't bless a killer...

especially ours!

We're priests, Your Grace.

Our mission is to save souls,
even if we can't save our own.

Remember Jesus' plea
for His executioners!

Forgive them, Father!

They don't know
what they're doing!

My God...

why have you abandoned us?

They followed your example...

...and forgave their killers.
- It's always like that!

Everyone's good
after they're dead!

- As for Severino...
- Leave him to me.

He was redeemed
by his parents' death.

When he was 8, he faced the beast
that lives in every man.

I wasn't killed by chance...

and spent my life
challenging death.

He went crazy when the
police killed his family.

He was not responsible
for his actions.

- He's saved.
- This is an outrage, and I...

You object, I know.

But your objection is overruled.
You don't understand a thing...

about God's ways.

Severino is saved.

He was a mere instrument
of God's wrath.

Severino, my son,
you can go that way.

What about us?

Make up your mind!
This anxiety is worse than anything!

Don't say that. You don't know
what it's like down there.

Any anxiety is better than that.

But I can't wait here forever!

After all,
what'll the sentence be?

Excuse me, Lord.

- May I say something?
- Yes, Jack.

Are there four
vacancies in purgatory?

- Yes.
- So put these four in there!

What do you say, Mother?

I'd be very pleased.

It's granted.

The four of you may go.

There's no hope!

It's always like that when
a woman rules over a man!

Your turn, Jack the Cricket.

I'll make a point of
sending this one to hell!

You're so smart...

what do you have to say
for yourself?

- Nothing.
- What do you mean?

- Now is the time for truth.
- That's the problem.

- I'm better skilled with lies.
- I'm glad you admit it!

- You lied to survive, Jack.
- But I enjoyed it.

I learned to enjoy
tricking those people!

You were exploited!

Cleverness is a poor
man's courage!

It was your only weapon
against your heartless masters!

I thank you.
But I know I was no saint.

He's playing dumb
to get her sympathy.

I'm such a rotten apple
that he could be right.

No! Don't give in!

He's the father of all lies!
He's trying to confuse you!

The truth is I was no saint,
nor did I have a heroic death.

He was poor like us, my son.

He had to endure difficulties
in a poor, dry land, like ours.

He's struggled since he was a boy.

He had no childhood.

He got used to little
bread and a lot of sweat.

In the drought, he'd eat plants...

and drank cactus water.

He starved.

When he couldn't bear it,
he prayed.

When prayers were no good,
he'd join the migrants...

who headed to the coast
in search of survival.

He was humiliated.

Defeated.

Homesick.

Whenever he heard news of rain,
he would go back...

in hopes again...

as if hope was a plant
that grows in the rain.

At the very sight of his
hometown, he felt grateful...

for being a poor...

dry land man,
but a brave and a believer.

I ask you, simply,
do not condemn him.

It's a hard decision.

I realize what he's been through,
but there's a limit.

I am afraid I can't save him.

Then, give him another
chance, my son.

- How?
- Let Jack go back.

- Would that make you happy?
- Plenty!

It's even better! I'll be more
careful and, next time I die...

I'll skip purgatory,
to baffle the devil!

- So, are you pleased, Jack?
- I am...

but this son of an incubator
will be mad!

What was that?

In his anger, he looked
at you and saw me.

- So, am I free to return?
- Yes, Jack. God be with you.

God and Our Lady,
who came to my rescue.

So long...

great lawyer and advocate.

Don't give up on me.
I want to straighten up...

...but you know the flesh is weak!
- So long, Jack.

Thank you, Lord.

- So long!
- So long, Jack.

- Jack!
- Yes, Lord?

Behave yourself.

Yes, My Lord.

Mother, if you go on interfering
in everyone's favor...

hell's going to be like
a government agency...

it exists,
but it doesn't work.

There's Chic?
burying the dead guy.

What am I doing up here?

What am I doing down there?

To think Jack couldn't even
be buried in the cemetery.

He's worse off than
the baker's bitch!

Lord's Prayer, Our Lady, hail,
Mary, look at this repentant soul!

God! It's Jack.

Jack, tell me what thou want!

Art thou in Heaven,
hell, or purgatory?

Look at him, talking to the dead.

"Jack, tell me
where thou art..."

Shame on you, Chic?!
I'm alive.

It's an evil ghost,
the kind that says it's alive!

Get up, it's me!
I'm alive!

- Is it possible?
- Well, here I am.

- I don't believe it!
- Then, look!

What's wrong?
Isn't seeing believing?

You weren't
supposed to show me!

What now, Chic??

I won't believe it,
you won't show me!

What about our partnership,
our old friendship?

- Are they finished?
- They're already over!

I won't be partners
with a dead man!

But I am alive!

See for yourself.
Touch my arm.

Be brave, man, touch it!

It's true, Jack!

- How was that?
- I don't know.

I think the bullet just nicked me.

Things went black
and now I am here.

- Damn good news!
- I've got some bad news.

- What?
- I lost the money I had.

Don't worry!

I took it from you
before the burial.

Scoundrel! Cried for me
but never forgot the money.

That's right. The money
was there, you were dead...

so I decided to keep it.

Well done.
I would do the same.

- So, we're rich.
- Filthy rich.

I got money from the priest,
the Bishop, and Severino.

- Let's buy the bakery!
- Good idea!

"Miramar Bakery.

Cricket & Chic? lnc."

- How does it sound?
- Beautiful!

Oh, God and Our Lady!
Stupid, stupid, stupid!

What is it?
You're the stupid one!

That's right, I am!
The stupidest guy on Earth!

- Oh, my God!
- What's up?

Poor us! We were rich a minute ago!
Now, we're poor again!

- Don't tell me you lost the money!
- No, it's right here.

Oh, my God!

- And why are you moaning?
- I thought you were dead.

So?

So I promised all the money
to Our Lady, if you lived.

Oh, my God!
Oh, Our Lady!

Oh, my God!
Oh, Our Lady!

How could you make
such a promise?

How could I know you'd live?
You're so hard to kill!

Damned promise!

- What a stupid promise!
- It's too late now!

- Didn't you promise just half?
- No, I promised it all.

Damned promise!

What a stupid promise!

Quit whining over and over!

Let's just pay what we owe!

Not "we".
You go!

I made no promise
and half the money is mine!

But it was mine,
as I was your only heir.

I don't care!
I didn't promise anything!

Then it's up to you!
I'm going to do what I have to do.

Chic?!

- What?
- Wait. I'm coming with you.

Yes.

You convinced me.

There was no one
to convince me.

With a different saint, we
could've worked something out.

But a promise to Our Lady...

Maybe that's why I lived.

- So, you'll give the money?
- Yes.

In person.

Oh, God and Our Lady!

You sound as a
scratched record!

With this whole mess,
I forgot the Major's money!

You promise too much money!

You made me do it!

And gave my skin as collateral!

Oh, Virgin Mary!

And now all the money
goes to the saint!

- Let's make it half?
- No way. You said all of it.

Damn promise!
What a stupid promise!

Quit beating around the bush.
You have the money or not?

I do!

I mean, I did!

I'll let you prove you're a man
and you like my daughter.

Will you marry her
and honor our deal...

or would you rather call
the whole thing off?

He won't call it off!
He loves me!

- Take your pick, boy.
- You can set the date, father.

- I haven't picked yet.
- I trust you.

- We'll be married tomorrow.
- That's when I'll skin your back!

You know what?
I'd love to marry you, Rosinha...

but the truth is
that I'm a coward.

- That I knew!
- You do? How?

I found out long ago.

But it was too late,
I was dying to marry you!

- Who says I have the guts?
- The pig.

- The pig?
- The piggy bank!

- What piggy bank?
- Rosinha's wedding present!

What's it got to do
with my skin?

We get married, you get the pig,
and pay your debt!

Chic?, you found a mate for love,
and I, for my wits!

If you want to call it off,
I'll take her home.

Not for all the skin
on my body, Major!

- Let alone a little strip.
- I'll make a belt with it.

You may not be brave...

but you sure fake it well!

It's the pig giving me courage.

- Don't forget, half is mine!
- What a hell of a money is this?

It's age-old money!

Jesus Christ!
This money is out of circulation!

- It isn't worth a cent today.
- I should've known!

The coins have been here
for over 5O years!

- I'm so stupid! Stupid!
- I'm even more stupid.

I'm tired of this little
"rich and poor" game!

And I'm tired of not knowing
whether I'll lose my skin or not!

I know you're having fun, but
it's time to honor our agreement.

- It's early.
- Don't worry.

The knife is sharp.

Is there anesthesia?

Hold it, father!

- What was the agreement?
- 2OO crowns or a strip of skin.

- 2OO crowns or his skin?
- Yes.

- His skin?
- Yes, his skin!

- Just skin?
- You think it's nothing?

It is something,
but not that much.

It's just a strip.

Only skin, not a drip of blood.
It wasn't in the deal.

- What?
- The contract says skin.

- There's no mention of blood.
- I hadn't thought of that.

It's either skin off,
with no bloodshed, or nothing.

I should cut your throat, rascal!

But I won't do it!
The worst punishment for her...

is to be married
to someone like you!

A coward, a sissy...

...a rascal!
- You're being kind!

Get lost!
You and your generations to come!

It will be a cold day in hell...

before I leave you
a penny, Rosinha!

We're all broke again!

Again?
It's my first time, actually.

Yes, dear, "some" gold digger,
you are the opposite of money.

I wonder if this isn't
for the best.

If I got rich, I might
end up like the baker.

Plus, we're used to poverty.

- I'm getting hungry as hell.
- Here's a piece of our cake!

You are a quick learner
in poverty, Rosinha!

Please, help me.
I'm starving.

Forgive us, but we're
all starving, too.

Take this, sir.

- And may God be with you.
- May He be with you.

You gave him almost everything.

He's also God's creature.

Sometimes,
Jesus comes in disguise...

to test our kindness.

That could be,
but that one wasn't Him.

- How do you know?
- Jesus? As black as that guy?

Why not?
I met a man who met Jesus.

- Where, Chic??
- In Heaven.

He said there are
huge processions there.

He said Jesus was on His throne,
surrounded by angels...

llke in paintings.

He said Paradise is near Bahia,
that's why Christ is dusky.

How could he tell you that,
if he was dead?

I don't know, but so it was!

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