A Dirty Shame (2004) - full transcript

Come on back to bed, Sylvia.

Can't you see I'm cooking scrapple?

It can wait. Sex is in the air.

Not in here it isn't. I got work, Vaughn.

Your mother is at the store.

It's light out, for Pete's sake. What's gotten into you?

Come on, move!

God!

damn it!

Judas priest. Oh-hh!

You seen my keys?



I said, have you seen my keys?

Where did you leave them?

If I knew where I'd left them, they wouldn't be lost, would they?

Vaughnhole!

Judas priest almighty!

It's not my fault.

Somebody left his magazine and it got me riled up.

Sure, "somebody left it."

Sure, sure...

You said you didn't want to.

A man has needs, Sylvia. Marital needs.

ooh.

isn't it a little early for that, caprice?

I'm developing my act, mother.



Mutilating your mammaries and gyrating down at some biker bar

is an act, all right, an act of defiance.

I was a legend at the holiday house, in case you didn't know.

Morning, honey.

Daddy, let me go down to the bar and perform.

You're in home detention, cupcake.

The government wants you to stay indoors for a while.

You're just too pretty to go out.

We let you keep your tawdry theatrical mementoes. Isn't that enough?

You were convicted of indecent exposure for the third time.

I was promoting the art of dance.

With nude loitering?!

Nude and disorderly conduct? Nude drunken driving?

I was not drunk. I was on pills.

Something is the matter with you, caprice.

You are such a neuter, mother.

And neuters will never understand.

Something is the matter with your vagina.

Morning, Mrs. Stickles.

You brat! I'm gonna report you.

Morning. Formstone's looking good.

It's the real McCoy alright, vintage.

Paid through the nose for it.

One thing we've learned... proper restoration never comes cheaply.

I need to go down to the bar... just for an hour!

Come on, dad, don't lock it. Daddy, let me go!

My public needs me!

Mrs. Stickles, my name is fat freak Frank.

And I'm your daughter's number one fan.

She moved to the erie canal area.

Hey, Vaughn.

Hey!

Caprice retired from show business.

She's no longer a public figure.

Her name ain't caprice, it's "Ursula udders." And she's famous.

She got the biggest ta-tas on harford road.

Ursula! Ursula udders!

Texture, that's what I call it.

It's me, fat freak Frank.

And I miss them great big...

destroy all neuters!

We sure didn't have this in D.C.

God, I love Baltimore. It's a real city of diversity.

Sylvia! Sylvia, we need gas, honey!

Get gas.

Honey, still mad?

Remember to fill it up. I'll walk, don't worry.

Hi! Grr-rr! Woof!

- Grr! - Woof! Woof!

- hi, Vaughn. - Morning, Betty.

Does the pinewood park-and-pay sell lotions?

You know... ointments?

We sure do.

How is that fine wife of yours doing?

She's up at the store like always, Wendell.

Don't you find it funny

that every man in this neighborhood has a penis?

Well, not really, Betty.

Sheeze...!

Oh, don't.

That's it. God!

That's it, baby. Talk to the Mike.

Whoa, that's what I call a hump job.

Come on.

Okay.

I'm out of gas.

Move it, neuter!

- God! - How am I supposed to move with no gas?

Get out of the way! We're in a hurry!

- filthy little hedges. - Morning, Marge.

Growin' all dirty, makes me sick.

Hi, I'm "mama bear."

Have you met my hus-bear?

No, I haven't.

I'm "papa bear."

And this is our cub, "baby bear."

Grrr!

I'm Vaughn. Welcome to the harford road area.

When we take over, it's gonna be a...

"Bearquake!"

- come on. - Move that piece of shit.

Can you call triple-a, please?

Hurry up, I've got a hot date.

At 7 A.M.? What's the matter with you?

You'd have a date too if you wore make-up.

Your poor husband.

Ooh-hh!

If you could just help me, I'd...

ooh!

It's her!

Let's go sexing.

Hello, ma'am.

My name is ray ray and I'm here to... service you.

I'm Sylvia, and I hit my head.

A concussion is a terrible thing

to waste. It's okay.

Ooh! Ooh, I feel all sexy.

I know you do, Sylvia.

Show me a sign.

We knew you'd come.

All I can do is pass the gift.

You're a sex addict now and you'll never be the same.

Ooh-aah ...!

There you go. All better?

Thank you so much.

I don't know what came over me.

Well, you recognized the concussion and there's no going back now.

I'm gonna give you my card.

Sex addicts are everywhere, Sylvia,

and pretty soon, harford road will be ours.

Hey, hold on.

Ray ray is a sexual healer.

Come visit us, Sylvia.

Your people are waiting.

One day, we're going to discover a brand new sex act,

one that's never been performed before.

And we hope you'll be with us on that day of carnal rapture.

Ooh.

Hello, Mrs. Stickles.

Boy, am I blushing?

Everyone is familiar with the traditional forms of pornography,

but the Internet is creating new forms...

you going to the movies, Dave?

Hell, you're picking your seat, aren't you?

Gays!

Used to be harford road was for families.

Now it's a lesbian aorta.

Mother, I don't feel well.

Well, no wonder,

they've got blatant homosexuals shopping right in our store.

They eat life, you know.

Sperm!

Did you see those new neighbors moving in?

Grown men with hairy legs prancing around half naked...

"we're bears." What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Free country, big Ethel.

Yeah well, we got laws to protect decency.

And it would be nice

if somebody enforced them. 19, 20.

Well, as my mother used to say...

"'each to their own, ' said the old lady as she kissed the cow."

Perverts are taking over this neighborhood.

Mr. Mailman, as of next week,

we're not carrying the girlie magazines no more.

That's a shame.

Makes me sick to see government employees looking at that filth, Marge.

And on taxpayers' time yet. That's why the mail's late.

And the post office has the nerve to raise the price of a stamp.

While mailmen are making out everywhere.

I found a used condom in my backyard.

You think that's bad?

Somebody wrote the word "bone"

on our parking lot wall last night.

We've got to do something, Marge.

People have got to know how bad things are getting.

No wonder I've got to take heart pills.

I read in the paper the average married couple

has sex over 100 times a year.

That's a lie. People would be raw if that was true.

I'll be at your meeting alright, with bells on.

You have, AAA batteries?

I certainly do.

You sure these are the right ones?

You want me to take them out?

No, I guess I'll buy them.

Well, get down there and start scarfing.

What the he...

No... thank you.

I'm moving to towson.

Harford road... where life is cheap.

- Only you can prevent fornication. - Yeah, yeah.

You see, Marge? People in the neighborhood have had it.

It wasn't this bad in the '60s.

You're right.

Someone left a sex toy in my neighbor's wishing well,

right on her front lawn.

People are just ignorant everywhere.

Morning, big Ethel.

What's good about a morning with sex toys in it?

Amen to that.

My husband's on Viagra.

- You poor thing! - Every minute, he wants it.

He has no right to be that roused.

I'm Viagra-vated and I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Sylvia!

Feeling better?

Mail here for Ursula udders.

Her name is caprice and she's got shingles.

Our daughter doesn't really participate in the mail these days.

I'll take the fan mail to her, Warren. Don't you worry.

You should be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Mailman.

Ashamed of what, big Ethel?

- Damn, I could deliver that one. - Keep it up.

I'm gonna call the postmaster general... if he's not making out...

and report your potty mouth.

Sex addicts are everywhere, Sylvia.

You wanna have funch?

What's "funch," honey?

Funnin' after lunch.

Funch?

Come on. This must be my lucky day.

- Spaghetti... - Yeah, she'll ring it up for you.

Where do you two think you're going?

It's not safe out.

People are shaving their crotches as we speak.

There's pubic hair in the air everywhere.

We're having a decency rally,

and I think you two need to be there.

Yeah.

- What kind of station is that? - A good one.

feeling frisky?

Let's open one of caprice's fan letters.

That's her personal mail.

Look...

It's from the mailman. He sent caprice a photo of his penis. Ooh!

He what?

Are you kidding me? Give me the picture.

Give me the picture. I'm not... give me the pic... I'm not kidding around.

This is disgusting.

Well, he's got a big one.

What kinda talk is that?

They're all photos of the mailman's unit.

I'm calling the cops.

Yes, sir, a real arse-opener!

Stop it, Sylvia.

Pink steel!

What's the matter with you?

Hey, Vaughn, feel like "yodeling in the canyon"?

We have to visit my mother, remember?

Come on, you wanted to earlier.

Well, not that, I didn't.

Come on, Vaughn, discover the oyster.

Honey, this is pinewood Avenue. We live here.

Can't we wait till we get back to the house?

Go "way down South in Dixie."

Alright, alright, just keep a look out.

Okay.

Ooh!

Aah!

No...!

Now that's what I call "sneezing in the cabbage."

Harford road, let's all band together.

Horndogs are everywhere. Pretty soon they'll be living next door.

Decency, that's all I'm asking for. Decency!

Decency's fine.

But diversity in a neighborhood is a good thing, too.

This isn't diversity, it's depravity.

On my way over here, I saw a man

performing oral sex on a lady

in a car in broad daylight.

Lesbians have taken over the softball fields.

So? Lesbians are good neighbors.

We need to start by teaching tolerance in our own homes.

Some guy was playing with himself near me in the movies.

You saying that's normal? His crotch was shaved!

These are isolated incidents.

No, they're not.

Look, I'm not a prude. I'm married to an Italian.

But I am disgusted.

I live near what they call "the bear house."

Last night,

hairy, overweight men who call themselves bears

were having sex outside the house.

My children heard them.

"Mommy, what's that noise?" They actually asked me.

I raced outside clapping my hands loudly

and I yelled... "no bear jobs!"

And they just laughed.

Some of them even growled at me.

No!

Today, somebody called me a neuter.

And you know what? I didn't mind.

If neuter means "normal," I'll say it loud...

I am Marge, the neuter, and I'm proud.

That's right!

We're all neuters!

And we'll never, never be not normal!

hi!

Ooh!

Sylvia!

Cab! Cab!

Ray Ray's service center, 6630 harford road.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, lady, you can't change your clothes in here.

- Why not? - 'Cause I said so.

Want some fun?

What are you doing?

- Can I get up front? - No, you can't.

- Come on, you can leave the meter running. - Stay in the back.

- Come on, I want some action. - Get off me, lady.

Hey... you can't do that stuff in here.

- Get out! - This cab free?

Sure is, tiger.

Hey, hey, hey! Jeez!

Go! What the hell was that?

That's right, spread the word.

You bet, big Ethel.

Here, put the pink ones on the cars.

Put the yellows on the houses.

Put that on the windshield.

And don't stop till you get to the end of the block.

- Who is it? - It's big Ethel.

We're having a decency rally...

you better start in your own backyard then.

I heard your daughter, Sylvia, picked up a bottle

with her cooter in the old folks' home.

She what? That's not true.

My daughter is a good girl. She hates sex.

What is she talking about, that witch?

Hello?

Ray ray?

It's me, Sylvia. And I need full service.

I knew you'd find us, Sylvia.

Don't be afraid. We've all had accidental concussions just like you.

- You have? - Yeah.

Mine was from the faulty hood of a customer's car

that collapsed on my head while I was changing the oil.

And now I guide other head-injury sufferers

to the final dawn of sexual awakening.

- You've been sent to help us. - I have?

We're all sex addicts and we have been waiting for you.

- But why? - Because you can lead us

to an erotic orgasm we've never experienced.

I can't. I promise you I can't.

I'm loose, Linda.

I slept with the entire harford road police department.

It's nice to meet you, loose Linda.

Until you've hit your head,

you can never really feel the power you get from sex.

My name is paw paw.

I hope we can have sex one day.

I'd like that, Sylvia.

I knew you'd come.

You're number 12.

- Number 12 what? - All in good time.

Dave, is that you?

We call him dingy Dave and he's number three.

Don't worry, Mrs. Stickles, you'll understand soon.

Dingy Dave is lucky. He's into mysophilia.

It's a sexual attraction to dirt. He thought it was new.

But it wasn't.

Dirt worship's been around long before my accident.

I just didn't know.

Ray ray...

Has helped me understand my hypersexuality.

And he cured me of my herpes.

Like a miracle.

No no no no no.

We don't say the "m" word around here.

Mrs. Stickles?

May I, be your vacuum cleaner?

Well, I'm new to this, but I'll try.

Aw ...

It's like Noah's ark around here.

There's one of every perversion.

But, alas, it's all been done.

Brace yourself, Sylvia.

Got company!

Officer Alvin!

I'm an adult baby, Sylvia. You wanna be my mommy?

Adult babies are into age regression.

They intensely eroticize being infants.

And sometimes they like to be burped.

I'm a big boy and I'm beyond the law.

as you grow to embrace your concussion,

you'll learn to accept anything sexual

as long as it's safe, consensual and doesn't harm others.

You wanna powder my chafed butt?

I would,

but I'm supposed to help ray ray think up a new sex act.

Maybe later.

Yes Yes...

Number five, six and seven.

You may know us as neighbors, Sylvia,

but in this world, we're into human sandwiches.

One day, we hope you'll be our "lettuce."

- You already know about my priority penis. - Oof!

Who ever thought it would be you?

Come on and meet the "three bears."

We're husky, we're hairy, we're homosexual

and out of the second closet.

And we can cuddle all night.

Yeah, hunting for some grizz-sm...

Ever hear of sploshing?

I only had my concussion this morning.

It's okay. It's an English fetish.

Sploshing is the erotic urge

to dump food in your private area.

Oooh!

I'm messy, Melinda

and our bushes will burn together.

And of course you know of fat freak Frank.

Mrs. Stickles, go home and free your daughter.

She's one of us and needs to be here now.

I'm number 11.

Number 11?

My God! I'm the 12th apostle?

- Yes, shh. - Say it proud.

If you say it out loud, you might disappear.

No, no, no, I'm just Sylvia stickles.

I'm a horny woman with a head injury. I can...

I know you are and we're gonna do something about that.

Ray ray is a sex Saint,

- and he's got powers. - Amen to that.

I've got a pocketful of gold,

and my tongue is on fire.

And I've got hot pants, ray ray.

We're all in heat.

And as you know, Sylvia is a cunnilingus bottom.

Yes, she is.

Who wants to eat her out?

Let's go sexing!

Yeah!

How many houses do I gotta go to?

Who is it?

It's big Ethel from up the park-and-pay.

We're having a decency rally tomorrow.

We want all neuters to be there.

What's a neuter?

- It's a normal person who is fed up with perversion. - Sign me up then.

Tonight a woman in my cab tried to grab my knapsack.

It's a sick world!

- was that Sylvia stickles? - I think it was.

What happened to her?

I don't know, but it's a dirty shame.

hello, Vaughn.

Hello, Betty. Have you seen my wife?

Come on in.

No, I can't. Sylvia seems to be missing.

I was with her earlier, but...

maybe she's getting lucky.

Harford road is wild these days.

Hey, hey, come on, open.

I seen you, Sylvia stickles,

showing your pubic patch to the bus driver.

You should move downtown where you belong, you whore.

End of the line.

Okay, Buster, turn off the motor.

- Who, me? - Yeah, you!

Yes, ma'am!

- grrr... - What you doing in there?

Vaughn, where's my daughter?

I don't know. I can't find her.

Don't go in there. Bears live here.

Big, fat hairy gays with dicks.

Hi, I'm cow Patty.

I'm Vaughn. I live up the street

and I'm looking for my wife, Sylvia.

I'm the only "goldilocks" allowed in this bear cave.

I'm a bear hag. And we call this...

Bear soup!

Wow, a tranny bear.

Come on in.

Police!

Shake those things!

mother! What's the matter?

nothing, honey. I just wanted to have

a little mother-daughter chat.

I'm so sorry I spoke so harshly

about your vagina this morning.

It's alright. Where did you get that outfit, mother?

You like it? It's my new apostle look.

You've got fan mail.

The mailman's got a big Johnson, doesn't he?

Mother!

Well, your father's got a big one too.

You are freaking me out.

I was with fat freak Frank this afternoon.

He seems to really like your tits.

Is he hung?

He's about average.

Tell me, Ursula...

'Cause that's the name you like to use, isn't it?

Yes it is, mother.

I know that fat freak Frank is a ta-ta man,

but does he ever... Well, you know...

"whistle in the dark"?

Yes, he does. Thank you for asking.

My God! You have met ray ray.

Mother!

officer, it's not like my wife to just walk away.

She was probably kidnapped by sex fiends.

We've got orgies going on, perverts walking around.

- Do something. - I am doing something.

goo-goo, goo-goo, ma-ma!

- This isn't California. - It's harford road.

Baby just shaved his legs. You wanna see 'em?

I'm a sex addict,

an exhibitionist,

and I'm your daughter.

Ursula ...

Ever since my concussion,

I've learned so much about Eros.

I'm a sex addict too.

I'm a cunnilingus bottom,

and I'm your mother.

I tried to tell you about my maypole accident when I was 11.

But you never listened.

I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you, Ursula, I promise.

Let's go down to the holiday house

and freak the whole bar.

Okay, mom.

Let's go sexing!

Ooh-ooh!

- Come on! - I am coming as fast as I can.

He has! She has! She has!

Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!

Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!

Wait up, Vaughn.

Come on, big Ethel.

My God.

- Vaughn, I need my pills. - I know.

That's my daughter!

caprice!

Capri...

hi. Hey, come on. Come on.

Aah! Let me go!

Ooh.

Sylvia!

Shoot!

Sylvia?

You have what is known as a "runaway vagina."

- I do? - You had a concussion, honey.

Sometimes a booboo on the head

can trigger inappropriate sexual outbursts.

- You're a sex addict, Sylvia. - And you've hit bottom.

Don't listen to them, mother.

Sexual addiction is a privilege. You know that.

Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?

One nymphomaniac in the family's bad enough, but two?!

It's a disease, big Ethel.

Being a whore is a disease?

Caprice, because of your criminally enlarged breasts...

you're a freak.

The bloodstream to your brain has been blocked,

causing permanent depression.

I'm not depressed. Daddy!

- You should be depressed. - No, I don't want Prozac!

- No... - These will make you feel normal.

I don't want to feel normal! Mother, help me.

Caprice, I apologize for my shameful behavior.

Don't you recognize the concussion?

Just swallow.

Prozac can lower the libido

and stymie the sexual fantasies of many female patients.

And then finally, finally we can schedule you for a breast reduction operation.

No! I don't want to be neuter.

Maybe she's right. Sex addicts are everywhere.

And soon they're gonna discover a new sex act.

I'm supposed to help them.

It will pass, Sylvia.

No, there's this guy named ray ray

and he is their leader and he ate me out.

You let strangers put their germ-filled mouths on your uterus?

Sylvia, Dr. Arlington told me about these meetings.

Yeah, they're for people like you.

Honey, the whole family is gonna go, Sylvia.

But we're not telling anybody.

I've got a pocketful of gold,

and my tongue is on fire.

Let's go sexing...?

Sylvia, stay on this side.

You had a concussion, honey.

Mmph.

No, caprice, you know it doesn't work that way.

It has to be an accident.

Please, I beg of you.

Help me to keep my sexual sobriety. Please.

Ho-ho-ho!

Sex.

My name is Paige,

I'm from roxton and I am a sex addict.

My drug of choice... frottage,

the sexual rubbing-up on unsuspecting citizens.

"Excuse me," I'd say, while I'd grind my crotch

into an unsuspecting passenger on a crowded airplane.

Halt, hungry, angry,

lonely, tired.

No one ever knew. I was in first class...

Hello, I'm Ronnie the rimmer and I'm a sex addict.

I'm Sylvia and my privates are in crisis.

I'm Sylvia's husband Vaughn,

and... I'm trying to understand.

And this is my daughter, caprice.

Yeah, and Prozac saved my life.

I'm big Ethel and don't get any ideas, I'm normal.

Hello, I'm Tony the tickler and I was a tickle top.

And that's nothing to laugh at.

We are the stickles family and it's nice to be here.

Excuse me, I'd say for the hundredth time...

This is lu Ann and Larry.

We were into "Roman showers."

Vomiting on each other as foreplay.

But that doesn't come up anymore.

No, siree, a higher power saved us.

I want these people arrested

and punished to the full extent of the law.

Let me lead you to recovery.

Once, a man on jury duty complained that I rode his knee

when we filed in to announce the verdict.

But I denied it to the judge.

Sex addicts learn to lie.

Denial... don't need you to know that I am lying.

They call me dora. And I'm a chronic.

I've been sober only two weeks now.

I'm Sylvia and I've hit bottom.

... Day in and day out.

Finally someone reported me to a security guard and I was arrested.

- I would hope so. - We don't judge others here, madam.

Progress, not perfection.

Sex addicts, your meetings are my life.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Halt, hungry, angry,

lonely, tired...

All this yelling is giving me a "Swedish headache."

You know what I mean? Horny.

This woman is crazy.

Nothing's the matter with "lightin' the oven" once in a while.

Hello, I'm Paige and I am a sex addict.

I'm Sylvia and I can't control

my... "Axis of evil."

Let me be your sponsor, Sylvia.

Thank you. I'm so ashamed.

- Admit to God... you are a whore. - I'm a whore.

Make a list of all the people you've slept with and apologies to their parents.

My name is Mr. Pay day.

- And I'm here for a little scat chat. - Thank you.

A pay day is an unflushed turd, hence my name.

I used to defecate in public restrooms

up and down harford road

- and never flush the toilet. - That was him?

But my life of turd abuse didn't stop there, no.

I started doing "upper deckers"...

shitting in the top tank of the toilet,

where no one would ever look to find the odor.

I can certainly judge that.

- Progress, not perfection. - Thank you.

Thank you, it really means a lot.

Hi, my name is caprice

and I am a sex addict.

I used to be known as Ursula udders,

but let me tell you, Ursula udders is utterly over.

I'm on Prozac now and I am a new woman.

Halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired.

Ever jerk off when one of your hands is asleep?

No. Look, please, I'm a neuter.

Try it. It feels like somebody else is doing it.

I defied nature and now I must pay the price.

- Ever take a "rufie"? - No!

Me neither. I'm afraid I'd stay home

and date rape myself all night long.

That I will get a breast reduction operation.

Yes. I will.

- I promise. - Yes! Yes!

And I will never

be nude again!

Thank you. Thank you.

I got my girls.

Er ... er ... My name is Sylvia,

and I too am a sex addict.

But I'm not dirty anymore.

Grr-rr ...

That's right, Sylvia. You know how long your poor dead father had to wait?

It was a long hard road to this vagina.

We must warn others in the concussion community,

that a head injury is not an excuse for debauchery.

That's right, sister!

But your vagina belongs to eternity, Sylvia stickles.

Be gone, beelzebub.

Let my mother's oven be!

I'm not your filthy apostle.

No, sir, no!

I'm not number anything.

He is a fraud. Remember Jim Jones? Remember people's temple?

He's a sex addict. A filthy controlling pervert who wants your soul.

It's all mumbo-jumbo. He's just a filthy man.

Sex addicts, you are the chosen people.

Help us uncover nature's secret.

Halt, horny, lustful.

- Seduce your sponsor. - One pop at a time.

Intimacy equals inadequacy.

What's the matter with you people?

You're wasting valuable sex time.

Your oven is like a charity.

You must give, give and give...

I'm slipping.

I'm slipping.

Recovery is regression.

It will never pass.

No, don't! I have to.

Don't listen to him.

Stop it. Please, I'm a neuter!

Concussion sufferers,

find the new orgasm and we'll all be supernatural.

It's out there, you just...

I have to do this.

There is no higher power than sex!

Stop it! Aah!

Stop it, don't touch me. I've been neutered.

Let no sex act...

You're fired, David, and no unemployment neither.

It's okay. This is sex.

There is a beautiful woman here tonight named Sylvia

who can reveal a secret.

And that woman is my wife!

Vaughn, let us show you eternal sexual satisfaction.

- We love you. - Love?!

Whatever you do, don't call it love.

God!

Let's go sexing!

Come on, dad!

- Go, baby. - Get off of me!

Ooh!

Sylvia, Sylvia?

Sylvia?

... The shock of each moment and still be alive.

You've got the devil in your cervix, that's what you've got.

Come home to my penis where you belong.

I can't, Vaughn. I'm a libertine.

I say no to sexual addiction.

You'll get a yeast infection.

Now is the time for home invasion!

Somebody help!

Somebody gave him pills!

We're gonna make a nice sauce...

My God!

Okay, who wants to have sex?

I do.

She wants me!

- Get off of him! - Let me go with her!

Sex is disgusting!

all right, everybody, just come on in.

That's right, everybody in.

Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

- We got toilet paper? - We've got toilet paper.

We couldn't be doing this without you.

Move up, everybody, okay?

Now, parents, talk to your children

tell them how repulsive sex is.

And kids, tell your mom and dad the truth.

Second base isn't just feeling up a bra strap anymore.

No, it's a home run.

Teenagers everywhere,

come on, join the neuter resistance.

We're not here protesting anything tonight, are we, neuters?

No!

We're for something.

Yes, yes!

That's right. We're for the end of tolerance.

Tolerance went too far and we all know it.

No more tolerance!

No more tolerance! No more tolerance!

No more tolerance! No more tolerance!

Hurry, hurry!

Hey, feel like blowing some tunes?

Come on, don't be shy, what's the matter with you?

Hey!

I'm Sylvia stickles and I've got the itch.

down here! Come on and join the fun!

Ooh!

Hey, hey you white devil!

Come on up here and give me some of that strange.

Put it out, Sylvia. Want some action?

That's right, Sylvia,

we're going pearl diving.

Yes, siree I'm looking to go below 14th street.

Get it, Sylvia, get it while you can.

I'm coming as fast as I can.

No, you're not!

Whoa!

Get your sass in here now!

Get out of here, come on, beat it, Sylvia.

Tranquilizers.

It's all right. Ray Ray's gonna be all better, right?

You betrayed me.

No, I'm back. I just had a relapse.

Heretics! Because of you I can't have sex.

It's not our fault, we're sorry.

Try this. "Face the nation."

No. Help me.

- I want to be horny. - You will be. Concentrate.

Did you know sex is even infiltrating the economy?

Experts estimate at least 15,000 Americans

are talking dirty at work right this minute.

Talking dirty is costing American business...

Come back, caprice.

Get out. This is a neuter establishment.

We don't serve ray Ray's people here.

Don't get a breast reduction, Ursula. Fat freak Frank will die.

His spiritual life is already dead.

But it's coming!

No, it isn't. There is no new sex act.

The ressursexion is about to happen.

God, you're crazy.

This is Tuesday night. This is harford road.

This is a school night!

Ladies, let's start over.

Have you heard about vaginal restoration?

Any gynecologist can do it.

The hymen is sewn back together.

Agh!

Hey, rent a room, not here.

- Get the hell out of my store. - Just come on, you guys.

Vaughn, get this creep out of here.

Right now, I want you out of here.

use a napkin, you freak.

They're everywhere. They're in the bushes.

Dad, somebody's licking our tires.

- Honey, don't look. - Hey, pervert!

Leave our family alone.

- Oof! - Come on, let's just get out of here.

Ho-ho.

Ooh, ever hear of helicoptering?

- Whipping someone's face? - Old hat.

- Shrimping? - Everybody licks toes.

- Tromboning? - I did that during the Reagan administration.

Try some vitamins.

I need to satisfy someone.

Yeah.

yes, mommy's drying dishes

so that pretty little baby will have clean plate-plates

when we move to our new house.

Come on, you're the concussion king.

Am I? Am I?

So many vaginas, so little time.

I try and do good work.

Sometimes chocolate helps.

Give me the green one.

Boy, those candies work.

I managed to cop some Spanish fly down on the block.

That's some good stuff.

- Felching? - Done it.

- Getting your red wings? - I got 'em.

- Plate job? - Over and under.

- Blossoms? - Don't want them.

Ever tried these?

Damn Viagra. And I'm already there.

"Astral-orgasm,"

reaching an out-of-body state through sexual arousal.

Let's go sexing!

Come on, you can't do that inside. Take it outside.

Yeah, I'm looking for to get snowed.

- We don't have that. - I've been scarred!

Get off me, I'm straight.

So's spaghetti till you get it heated up.

I tell you, this virginal operation works.

Even the most skeptical man will be convinced.

You're what I'd call pitiful.

The restored virgin fills a gelatin capsule with blood

and inserts it into her vagina just before intercourse.

You're all crazy.

When she has sex for the first time, the hymen will pop.

You'll be a virgin for the second time.

- Leave us alone. - Help!

Hey! Hey!

Call the national guard.

- To hell with harford road! - We're moving to D.C. where we belong.

- Frank, call them off. - But, Ursula,

they're hotter than a fresh fox in a forest fire. You know that.

I am pure now, fat blank Frank, I'm a neuter.

Just let 'em puppies loose, honey.

I have faced the beast of lust and I have won.

Besides, my back hurts.

I get rashes. Simple chores bother me.

I would like to sleep on my stomach, if you don't mind.

Please, Ursula...!

- Let's go sexing. - N-o spells no!

- Come on, man... - This isn't that kind of place. Lady, lady!

Aah-aah.

Auto-erotic asphyxiation. You oughta try it!

- Let me in, come on, you know you want it. - Get away! We're not horny.

We're married. We don't want anything.

Somebody somewhere,

finish me up!

Feel like getting lucky?

Hey, how about you? How about you?

You are barred from the pinewood park-and-pay.

Ever hear of mononucleosis?

Get help!

My God!

- Hey, polar bear, you know what an "otter" is? - No.

It's a bear cub who isn't fat or hairy yet, but will be.

Find me a significant otter.

Ungh!

Whoop!

Oof!

Yes!

Get out, you disgusting piece of filth.

Get out now and never come back.

No. Not you.

Yeah!

Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!

Mom.

this is a liberated area.

The sexual revolution has been won.

You can finally be free. Come out.

The neuters have fled.

There is somebody for everybody.

- That means you!... - Ray ray!

Straight, gay or bi, there's a new sex act just waiting for you.

Sex for everybody! Help your neighbors joyously.

Hurry! You, on your front lawn.

Join us. Come on, let's go.

The neuters are history.

We have taken over!

Today harford road...

Tomorrow the world!

Then all of Baltimore, then up to Washington and finally New York,

the midwest, the South, California,

Europe, Japan, north Korea...

the whole world at the same time.

Sexual anarchy will finally happen.

Come on, let's go! Jump on!

Ladies and gentlemen, the captain's informed

that we have begun our final approach

into Ronald Reagan Washington national airport.

Mr. Hasselhoff?

Sorry to interrupt, but you are my favorite star.

- Can I have your autograph? - Yeah, sure.

- Thank you. - If you must use the lavatory

prior to our scheduled arrival, please do so at this time.

Excuse me one second. Thanks.

Per few regulations,

please put away any electronic devices.

Flight crew, prepare for landing.

Sylvia!

Ursula!

You're beautiful, baby...

I'm past that, Frank, forever!

- Yeah, come on.

My pills!

Honey... can I have some lunch downtown?

Dad!

No, Vaughn, I've done that.

You know, don't you?

She was a neuter.

A sexual anorexic whose time has come.

Big Ethel...?

Ooh!

The big "o."

Do it for us one more time, ray ray.

Now, ray ray, now!

Now!

Let's go sexing!