A Date with Miss Fortune (2015) - full transcript

Where the hell did things go wrong?

How did things change so quickly?

I had so many questions.

Some might blame karma, kismet, fate or destiny,

but those are just good stripper names to me.

Well, except maybe kismet.

I believe it's the choices we make that determine our future

- nothing else.

Jack.

Wilson!

Peacock's lost man.



You are gonna bang it in London town.

You smack that royal baby for me alright?

Thank, man.

In the mean time, I don't know how I'm going

to survive without you.

You know I got these abandonment issues right?

You'll survive, Wilson.

Really cause I, can I ask you?

Does this look infected to you?

Ahhh!

Please see a doctor Wilson, I got a lot of shit to do.

You want, uhh, fries with that?

Okay, two fries and two onion rings, okay.

So, that would be four cheeseburgers.



Do you want some?

Thank you, dear.

I need you to pretend that you're with me.

See that woman over there?

Don't look!

She's my ex, and I can't be seen alone.

Yeah no, if you don't mind.

Thanks, I owe you.

Let me buy you a slice of apple pie.

This place has the best apple pie on the west side.

All right, nice try.

I'm sure this works for you all the time.

But I'm really not interested, alright?

I just want to be left alone.

Jack?

Meagan.

How have you been?

Ah, great.

Things are goin' great.

Aw, you don't have to lie to me, Jacky.

I heard you were going through a rough time.

Just be positive.

Jack, this is Arnold, my husband.

Hey.

Wow, uhh-

Congratulations.

If at first you don't succeed, you get a bigger ring.

Arnold is an entertainment lawyer.

He does very well for himself.

Well. aren't you going to introduce

me to your little friend?

Actually-

I'm Maria, Jack's fianc?.

Wow, if at first you don't succeed.

I guess things are going better for you, Jack.

Yeah.

I'm Meagan, Jack's ex wife.

You never told me you were ever married.

We've been going together for three months

and he's never mentioned you.

You are lucky you are so incredibly sexy.

Ow!

Well, we should get going.

It was nice meeting you.

Bye Jack.

Bye Meagan.

Come on.

Great seeing you again!

Could you stare any harder?

Seriously.

Thank you for that.

Ahh, she deserved it.

Yeah.

Yeah, she kinda did.

Uhh, now can I buy you that apple pie?

Uh, I should get going.

You can call your fianc?.

I'll buy him a slice too.

Come on huh, it's the least I could do.

I-I'm leaving the country in what-

Less than six hours.

This is my only chance to repay you.

Look.

One way.

Why, one way?

You're kind of nosey, huh?

Okay.

A fresh start.

How long has it been?

Two years.

And two years married, two years divorced.

She uhh, she left when the goin' got tough.

But she's not the reason I'm leaving.

After looking for work for a while

I finally landed a two year contract, in London.

I'm a writer.

Oh, yeah?

Are you a novelist?

No.

A journalist?

Nope.

You write for the movies, don't you?

Uh uh.

I write sitcoms.

Oh.

Jesus, you look more disappointed than my father.

Oh no.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to.

Do you remember the show "My Two Dicks"?

A family comedy about a mother and her two detective sons,

Lasted twelve episodes four years ago.

I'm afraid I'm not familiar.

Ah, don't sweat it.

Neither was anybody else.

"My Two Dicks" sucked.

That's not what you said when you picked me up

at the diner that night!

I picked you up?!

I'm pretty sure it was the other way around.

I was the damsel in distress.

Mmm, maybe.

I had a really good time tonight, Jack.

Good, I'm glad somebody did.

The whole evening was pretty touch and go for me so.

Are you ever serious?

I tried it once, but it just didn't take.

So uhh, it was worth it?

Yeah, maybe.

Good night, Jack.

Uhh, wait.

Do you need me to come up and you know, fix anything?

Nothing's broken.

I could help you watch tv?

I've got twenty-twenty vision, right here.

Be a shame to waste it.

Goodnight, Jack.

You've got to be kidding me?

I kid you not.

Six-years-old and he says to me, Miss Moniz,

this is the worst day of education in my life!

And he storms out of my classroom.

I'm glad you stayed for pie.

Me too.

Umm.

Can I uhh-

Can I ask you something?

You can try.

Well, when I first walked in here, umm, you were crying.

I wasn't crying.

I have a little confession to make.

I'm not really engaged anymore.

I just broke up with my fianc?

and I just, I haven't given him back the ring yet.

I know, I know, I'm a horrible person.

You're not a horrible person, okay.

You're my hero.

I guess I was just kinda holding on to the past.

If that makes any sense to you?

It's perfect sense.

It's like the moment you break-up with someone,

this movie of all the good times plays over and over

in your head, and the bad times,

they just fade away until you can't remember

what the problem was.

That's why I started recording negative moments

of all my relationships so I wouldn't forget.

You do not!

You do.

I don't, no I don't.

Ah, okay.

Oh, come on gimmie a smile, Megs.

Here's a clip of Meagan rolling her eyes at me.

That's like her signature move.

As if I just said the world's stupidest thing.

See.

And ah, here's a clip of April taking an hour

to put on her make up, that's me sitting on the couch,

look how pissed I look.

And um, oh.

This is one of Alexis, now Alexis was a vegan,

which in itself didn't bother me.

However vegetables always made her a little

Oh.

I know it sounds nuts, but I bet you wish you had some,

you know, video of your ex pickin' his nose or something.

No.

More like clearing his throat.

Ah ha!

You mean like uhh, like uhh,

Ahem?

No, more like.

No, no with more throat, like.

Oh my god, that's annoying.

Isn't it?!

You are something else, Jack-

Ratner.

Jack Ratner.

Maria Moniz.

That is the real reason

I don't believe in long-term relationships.

No more firsts.

Like they get used up.

I mean that was the first time we've ever touched hands.

It'll never happen again that you know, that feeling.

Once all the firsts are gone, hey what are you left with?

I don't know what you just said.

but I loved the way you said it.

Mmmmm.

What?

You have to stop.

Even being rejected in Portuguese is hot.

Jack, I have to go.

Unlike you I have to be at work early in the morning.

Jack.

Jack, off.

Not until you're gone.

It might be awkward with you in the room.

You're so crude.

Mmmm,

Stay over tonight.

Please.

Why?

"A" I live closer to your school.

"B" I make killer waffles in the morning.

And "C" I'll pay you a thousand dollars.

"D" all of the above?

Mmmmmmm.

That was the best apple pie I've ever had.

Really?

Cause I wouldn't know.

You kind of ate it all.

I did not!

I even left you the last piece.

This here?

Anyway, everything was planned.

Children, moving to the suburbs.

My dad was devastated when he found out we broke up.

But the worst part was that we lived together.

I'll never make that mistake again.

I like my own place too much.

What, you don't want a family?

Children?

Marriage is not for me.

I can't picture myself behind the white picket fence

playing catch with Jack junior.

So you have no problems growing old and dying alone?

Having the neighbors notify the police

about the awful stench of your rotting corpse.

Jesus Christ, when you put it that way.

You shouldn't say that.

Say, what?

Use God's name like that.

Oh, you're one of those.

I noticed the cross.

Just thought it might be for decoration.

What do you mean, "one of those"?

You don't believe in God?

Umm, not so much.

Though, after skimming the bible,

I've gotta give Joe and Mary props

for selling the whole immaculate conception thing.

It's brilliant.

Nowadays, compromising facebook photos would have sunk her.

That isn't funny.

So if you don't believe in God then who do you pray to?

Tom Brady.

But only if it's late in the fourth quarter.

I don't believe you.

Trust me, when something life changing happens,

you'll be praying.

Okay, no way, not me.

I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a hypocrite.

Hey.

Morning.

Do you want some fruit for breakfast?

Do you have any idea how much sugar's in that stuff?

You were snoring again last night.

I don't snore.

It's like sleeping with Darth Vader.

I'll make a video clip and add it to your file.

Hey.

Hey, you okay?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

It's stupid.

Well lucky for you I specialize in stupidity

and have a Ph. D. in nothing.

So technically, I'm overqualified for this conversation.

Well uhh,

You know when you feel like you've reached a point

where you're finally living out your life

and not other peoples expectations?

Well-

Now that I'm not splitting the rent anymore,

I can't afford my place so-

I'm gonna have to move back in with my parents.

Well umm, you know uhh,

Maybe you could move in here you know,

for a little while until you find another place.

Jack, you'd be okay with that?

Yeah, sure.

I'm mean you're practically living here anyway.

What's a week?

Oh baby!

Thank you!

Oh baby I promise you won't even know that I'm here.

Oh god.

Thank you.

Oh, that's great.

Oh my god.

You like?

I feel like I just got violated by Pottery Barn.

Oh, you hate it?

No, no.

It's just different that's all.

Kinda looks like your place did.

Yeah, I just brought a few of my furniture pieces in.

I hope you don't mind?

Wow.

That's uhh, that's a big cross.

It'll protect us from the evil eye.

Ohh.

I didn't know Mr. Bojangles would be joining us.

Awe, where did you think he'd be staying, silly?

Eh, eh, good boy, good boy.

Eh.

Awwww! Shit!

I think you broke it!

I'm so sorry.

Maria?

Jesus christ!

Shhh.

I am a rational person.

Rational, huh?

Is that why I saw you throwing salt over your shoulder?

Don't tell me you're one of those superstitious freaks?

it's not a superstition if it works.

Ah-ha.

The truth finally comes out.

You're crazy.

Don't call me crazy.

Senhora Maria says it's better safe than sorry.

Who's Senhora Maria?

Just someone who advises me.

Like a-Like a therapist?

Yeah, like a therapist.

Hey, babe, how was your-

Quick, get me a lighter!

What is it?

I think some woman at the grocery store

gave me the evil eye.

Huh?

Here we go.

What is that?

Sage.

Oh no.

I might have already infected the entire place.

Wait, what the hell's evil eye?

It's when someone curses you and gives you really bad luck.

Sometimes people do it

and they don't even realize they're doing it.

Come on Maria, don't tell me you really believe in that?

Apparently so.

That should work.

Don't worry, I'll see Senhora Maria

and make sure that we're in the clear.

Maria, this is insane.

Nobody can just give you bad luck.

That's just a Portuguese old wives tale.

The evil eye does not exist!

Do you have any idea how foolish you sound right now?

Jack, this is your father.

He's actually on oxygen, it's kinda sad.

Oww.

No he's not.

Your sitcom writing is weak and career dubious.

Come work for me at Ratner Investments

and together we shall-

- make something of you.

That's your dad's idea of success, not yours.

Mhmmm.

You are wise Portuguese one.

So what about the rest of your family?

Brothers?

Sisters?

None.

Cousins?

Grandparents?

Aunts?

Uncles?

One Uncle, but I'm pretty sure he's in prison.

Oh, Jack that's-

wonderful.

Having a small family.

Mine can be overwhelming.

I'd much rather have a big colorful family

than a bland one any day.

Okay.

Relax.

Ok.

Oh, no, we don't use the front door!

We use the back door.

Okay.

Now, don't be nervous, Jack.

I'm not.

I just want you to know,

how important first impressions are.

Hey, don't worry, parents love me.

I'm like cat nip for old people.

Oh and please don't try and be funny.

And don't tell my parents that you're divorced,

or that you're an atheist or that you're in between jobs.

Okay?

Anything else?

Oh, and your grandfather on your mom's side was part Portuguese.

Ok?

Hey!

There's my beautiful daughter.

Querida, two Sundays I don't see you.

Where have you been hiding, my little badger?

Mom, Dad, this is Jack my boyfriend.

He's pleased to meet you.

Lets go.

This looks delicious.

What is it?

Cozido.

Pigs feet.

Thanks.

I can't believe you ate that, dude.

There's pizza.

Thank you.

Have some rice pudding.

I will.

Ow!

Where's Mr. Moniz?

Ah, he's probably in the house.

Go talk to him, Jack.

He gets nervous with new people.

I can tell by the way she looks at you,

you have won my daughter over.

Thanks, mom.

I bet you don't get too many vampires down here, huh?

Because of the uhh-

So, I hear your a big football fan?

So am I.

Who's your team?

Stay away from Maria.

Can't say I'm familiar with them.

Although I imagine their logo is just a picture

of you looking angry.

Kind of like that.

You make jokes.

Jokes aren't funny!

Jokes won't make my daughter happy!

With all do respect, sir, I do make your daughter happy.

I mean, I think I do.

And I know I want to, more than anything.

Have you ever heard the expression,

"laughter is the best medicine"?

Have you heard the Portuguese expression,

"medicine is the best medicine"?

You know who said that?

Maria's ex fianc?.

He's a doctor!

Uhh, my uncle says, you're a lucky man.

Thank you, Uncle Joao.

Two.

You did that on purpose, didn't you you little devil?

I gotta go.

Goodnight everyone, thank you.

Bye!

Love you!

Love you too.

They hate me.

They don't hate you.

They just need to get to know you.

Well I'm not sure how crazy I am about them.

They're judgmental, intimidating.

Your father threatened me, and your sister!

Mmm, I have never seen dexterity in toes like that!

Ever!

Your grandmother caught me on the lips.

It was like kissing a catfish!

And the Ricky Martin painting?!

The what?

In your dads little man cave?

Oh, no, that's not Ricky Martin, that's Cristiano Ronaldo,

a famous Portuguese soccer player.

Listen Jack, I know they can be a handful.

But I'm just really glad you tried.

It meant a lot to me.

Wow.

I've never seen you get worked up like this.

What happened to cool cat nip Jack?

He just got a taste of his future in-laws.

What?

I was planning on doing this differently.

Maria, you've made me realize all the things

I never knew I wanted.

And now that I know, there's only one thing left to do.

Will you marry-

Oh yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

We just have to see Senhora Maria first.

Your therapist?

I believe in therapy.

I think people can learn a lot about themselves, you know.

I guess, it's just not for me.

You know travelling is my therapy.

I learned a lot about myself

while backpackingthrough Europe.

But it was my time in India was the most profound.

I remember riding an elephant to see the Taj Mahal at sunset.

It was the most incredible thing.

Emperor Shah Jahan built it in memory of his deceased wife.

They say it's the world's most magnificent

monument dedicated to love and devotion.

What does it look like?

Oh, words can't even describe it.

It's just, so incredible.

Mmm, I am so jealous.

Here you are, this world traveller

and I've hardly been anywhere.

I figure we've only got this one world,

we should try and experience it.

Oh, you're alive!

I am.

Thank God.

See I assumed you were dead because why else

when we have a network pitch coming up would you go AWOL

and stop answering your email and your phone and your text.

Uhh.

Um, holy shit!

Looks like Martha Stewart vomited in here.

What's going on?

I uhh, I got a roommate.

You're living with someone?

Yeah, my fianc?.

Get the f-

Are you serious?

Yeah.

You're serious!?

Oh my god no, no, no.

This is the worst thing that could happen to a writing team!

Wilson, come on,

Oh and you already got that stupid look on your face.

No wonder your ideas lick!

You've got love brain!

Hey, I don't have love brain and my ideas don't lick!

What about my script "Special Agent Ed"?

That's about a retarded FBI agent!

Oh my god.

I do have love brain.

Ditch this chick.

Cause we've got three network pitches coming up,

and we have Jack!

That's funny, I should write that down.

I promise I won't let my relationship

affect our work anymore.

I need this more than you do man.

Mhmm, that's debatable.

But Wilson, you have to meet Maria.

Maria?

Her names Maria, she's ethnic?!

Great!

That's like lovebrain on crack!

Don't worry Senora Maria is very nice, you'll love her.

I'm not worried.

Good.

Ah, Nelia, how are you?

I thought you died.

Evil eye thing, I got one of these guys again, evil eye.

Oh, Nelia, this is Jack, my fianc?.

Jack this is my favorite cousin, Nelia.

He so cute.

Oh my god.

What does Senhora Maria think?

That's why we're here.

First time?

Yeah.

Good to see you!

Call me!

I know, I know!

Bye!

Bye.

This is your therapist's office?

Shhhhh!

You've got to be kidding me.

Stop it.

What?

This is not the man for you.

You must leave immediately.

What is it, what did she say?

So, how are the Patriots lookin' on Sunday, huh?

Three turnovers. Pats lose by six.

Why don't you just tell me what crystal ball lady said?

It's obviously upsetting you.

It's nothing.

Are those the same underwear you had on last night?

No.

Ugh.

Two days in a row.

That's disgusting.

I showered before bed last night.

Why should I change them after only sleeping in them?

Because that's the rule.

Everyone knows everyday

starts off with a fresh pair of underwear.

Well, there's 24-hours in a day, so technically-

I'm still good.

I better not catch you

trying to squeeze another day out of those.

Yes, mom.

Look, you're letting whatever that voodoo lady

said get to you, and that's completely nuts.

Senhora Maria has a gift.

Yeah, and it's called hustling!

Wait.

Aren't you going to fold my underwear?!

Hm?

You're stacking, see how I fold yours.

That's how you do it!

Do you really expect me to fold this?

Yes!

It's like trying to do origami.

Now please tell me that this has something to do with

voodoo lady, because this is the most intense conversation

about underwear, anyone has ever had!

She said we have to hold off on getting married.

It's not a big deal.

It just means she has to read you or us again.

This is about your family, isn't it?

It has nothing to do with Senhora Maria.

She's just a excuse.

No, Jack.

Maria, I promise I will change your father's mind about me -

because he's your family.

But there is no way in hell I'm going to see the fortune teller.

Now if you believe in her, that's fine, that's your thing.

But I will never be told by some "magic lady"

who I can and can't marry.

And neither should you.

Look Maria, I love you.

That's all you need to know.

I love you too, Jack.

Our first fight.

You know what this can mean?

What?

Our first make-up sex.

Ohh.

God I love firsts.

Not on the underwear!

Good morning, baby.

Time to tell my parents the good news.

Have you seen any of my hair ties around?

I love this game.

I found one in my cereal the other day.

Come on we have to go.

Ready?

Bring it on.

No pausing.

Go!

Favorite musician?

- Black-eyed peas.
- Katy Perry.

Favorite movie?

- Star Wars.
- The Notebook.

Favorite food?

- French fries.
- Chinese.

Uhh, favorite position?

- Quarterback.
- On top.

Wow!

You were right.

This is definitely the best way to get to know someone.

No, no.

I thought you meant-

I said position.

And look where you went.

You set me up!

You totally set me up!

It was your game.

Wait a minute, why am I embarrassed?

You just admitted to liking Katy Perry.

What's wrong with Katy Perry?

Nothing, if you're a tween.

On top, huh?

You better believe it.

How come we always enter through the back door?

Because we never use the front entrance of our house.

Why not?

Because then it would get dirty.

C'mon.

I got this.

Marco!

Dinner!

Hey.

You're most susceptible to the devil when you yawn.

Mom stopped him.

Right on.

Homemade Portuguese wine is the best wine in the world.

Jose, you missed someone.

That's okay.

I'm not a big drinker.

You no like Portuguese wine?!

No, no.

I do.

I just wanted you to know that I,

that I don't have a drinking problem or anything.

So, Jack, Maria tells us that you write funny tv.

But what do you do for a living?

Uhh well, that's it.

I'm a-I'm a writer.

I write sitcoms for a living.

Jack created the show "My Two Dicks"?

Sweet!

Detectives.

My Two Detectives.

Writing is not a job.

Have you thought about construction?

You need a real job to support a family.

Jose, what did we talk about?

I'm being nice.

Right, Jack?

Why don't you tell us what you know about Portugal.

Dad?

Let him answer, badger.

Well I umm-

This should be good.

I didn't realize this would be on the test.

To be honest, I don't know too much, sir.

All I know is that Portugal's a very small country-

so they must have very small people

so they can all fit in it.

Not that you're small sir.

You are a good size.

But one thing is for certain.

Portugal's number one export must be beautiful women.

Maria, Avo-

Uhh, Mrs. Moniz.

Mr. Moniz, you are a lucky man!

Lucky that I'm not ten years older.

That's some uh, good Portuguese genes right there

and I'd love to get in on that action.

I mean, have beautiful Portuguese children one day,

with your daughter, not your wife.

That would be wildly inappropriate.

Is this another one of your jokes, Jack?

Jesus Christ, no.

Jack.

Oh, goddamnit.

Jack!

Did you know that five hundred years ago

Portugal conquered eighty percent of the globe?!

Now how could such a small country have so much power?

Because they are strong and smart?

That's right!

Hey Marco, take Jack to your room and show him the old map!

Right now before dinner.

Do I have to?

If you're not out of here in five seconds-

Dad.

How could you give up

such a nice Portuguese doctor for this?

Jose, please.

I will not please Anna!

Someone in this family has to talk some sense to her!

Maria.

You two don't belong together.

You're too different.

Can't you see?

I mean, he will never understand us.

Daddy, I love him.

You only think you do, I can find you a better match.

Trust me.

How could you?!

The silence must have been killing you!

You get asked a simple question about Portugal,

and you answer it by insulting my dad

and then hitting on my mom?!

You know your dad makes me very nervous.

And your mom-

well it was meant as a compliment.

It was creepy!

Why didn't you just talk about backpacking

through Europe, Jack?

Wait, you have been to Europe, right?

I'm so sorry.

Oh my god, you lied to me?!

I was trying to impress you!

I got caught up.

"We've only have this one world,

we should try and experience it"?!

Have you even been to India?!

Indiana?

I'm so sorry.

I swear it's the only thing I've ever fibbed about

and I am so sorry Maria.

For lying and embarrassing you.

I'm gonna make this up to you, Maria.

I promise.

I'm gonna show your family the real Jack.

Please don't.

Space Bar, it's like "Cheers" in space?

Do you hate me?

It was just an idea.

I've got others.

I've read the others!

We're screwed, Jack.

Our pitch is at the end of the month

and your only solution is to reboot 80's sitcoms in space!

I mean, you're the concept guy.

The hell you been doing with your time?

I've been hashing out some new concepts.

Right.

It's been a little rocky on the home front lately.

How long have we been friends?

Forever.

Mhm.

You know I'd push someone so they'd take a bullet for you,

right?

Yeah.

Right so, prioritize us, Jack.

We are running out of time.

Tick, tick, tick.

Look Maria's a really great person,

but dude, it's not your first rodeo.

Engagement?

Tomato.

The point is, girls come and go,

but I have always been there for you.

So stop being a bitch and give me a decent pitch.

Hey, Wilson.

How's the writing going?

Peachy.

Hey babe, where are you going?

Uhh, just gonna get some fresh cod fish for dinner.

See ya later.

Yeah, see ya later.

Stupid love brain.

Jack!

Jack!

You said you cleaned the bottom of the cupboards.

I did.

Well then you don't know the difference between clean

and Portuguese clean.

My Av? will white glove us, Jack.

Did you dust the tops of the kitchen cupboards?

She could never reach.

Never under estimate an old Portuguese woman

looking for dirt.

Fine!

Did you clean the bathroom?!

Yes!

And did you take out the bathroom garbage?!

Yes!

Do we always have to shout at each other?!

What?!

Never mind.

What?!

I said, never mind!

I'm turning into one of them.

Jack, I didn't know you spoke Portuguese?

He's been learning.

We know his English wasn't working.

Well, I'm very impressed, Jack.

Did you know that it was a Portuguese priest

who pioneered solar panels?

And that it was a Portuguese doctor

who invented the lobotomy?

Why?

You in the market?

I can be funny too right?

Jose.

Ah, I wish Sporting was playing that's my team.

You like Sporting?

Yeah, I'd like them a lot better if they had Cristiano Ronaldo!

Ronaldinhu!

Maybe this guy's not so bad, Maria.

Ronaldo!

It's going good!

Jack, what's in his mouth?

He's got a condom.

Oh my god.

Hey, nobody wants this.

Mom, coffee?

Dad, some more wine?

Oh yeah, sorry!

Give it to me.

Give it to me,

Mom, dad?

Good doggy.

You want a cookie?

Yeah, you want a cookie?

Maria get him a cookie!

Here, Mr. Bojangles.

Come, come.

Mamas got a biscuit.

It's peanut butter, your favorite.

I thought Mr. Bojangles was fixed.

Bojangles totally threw me under the bus.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Do not blame Mr. Bojangles!

I specifically asked you if you threw out the bathroom garbage.

And you said "Yes"!

I thought I had.

I'm sorry.

Maria?

Go to sleep.

What, you don't even know what I was going to ask.

The answer's "no" to all of your questions.

I just you know I just think it's been a while since-

Since what?

Since I got to visit Area 51.

I've heard rumors about it.

Ow!

You don't have to practice being in a bad mood, you know.

'Cause you're like a professional!

Jack?

Jack?

Jack, did you take out the garbage?

Maria, I'm working!

Let go, Maria.

It was never meant to be.

Well if Senhora Maria says it, it must be true!

For once in your life, can you be serious?

Can you not make your stupid little jokes?!

Only if you can speak English.

Blah, pish, blah, pish, That's all I ever hear.

It's like listening to the dishwasher!

Excuse me for being bilingual!

Excuse me for having a sense of humor!

Senhora Maria said this would happen.

I can't take this!

You are crazy!

Jesus Christ!

What did you call me?!

You heard me!

I am not crazy!

Then tell me why you believe in her so much?!

Make me understand why you need Senhora Maria in your life?!

Because she's never wrong!

She told me to stay home.

the day of Marco's accident.

She warned me that something bad would happen,

and I didn't listen.

I was the one driving the car that day.

I was supposed to drop Marco off at his soccer game,

but I wanted a stupid pair of shoes from the mall first.

And when I was going through an intersection when we got hit.

I should have listened.

Baby.

No Jack, no.

It was a freak accident.

You can't blame yourself.

It's not just that, it's everything.

Don't you see, Jack?

She's never wrong.

Well, she's wrong about us.

No, she's not.

Look what's happening to us.

We're just too different and deep down we both know it.

I'm sorry.

Is Senhora Maria the reason you broke up with your ex?

Maria, okay, look at me.

Is she the reason?

Wow.

Here I thought that my love for you actually mattered.

That I was the guy whose love trumped superstition.

But now I know I'm not that guy.

Jack.

I was just one of the guys who tried.

Jack.

Oh, querida.

I'm so sorry.

It's going to be alright.

There was this one Christmas.

I was nine.

And I remember really wanting Starscream, this transformer.

But not just any transformer,

the coolest one because he could change into a fighter jet.

Ooooh.

Yeah, he was totally bad-ass.

I must've wrote Santa half a dozen letters.

Wait a second, you were nine and you still believed in Santa?

I wanted to believe, alright!

Can I finish my story?

Anyway, Christmas morning comes

and I race downstairs and I rip open my gift.

And I see this knock off transformer called "The Flyer".

I didn't say anything, but I was heartbroken.

I tried to hide it,

but I knew my mom could see the disappointment on my face.

And um, that was the last gift she ever got me.

She died six months later.

I know I was only nine, but umm-

I just wish I was more appreciative, you know.

I'll never forget that look on her face.

God.

Ah dude, I mean can we let's, let's,

let's get out of here let's go get a beer.

This place is disgusting.

I don't want to.

Ugh, Jacky, Jack.

I know break-ups suck, but so do new girlfriends.

Lets go get some of those.

Look dude, I know you can't see it right now,

but this was the best thing.

You can focus on writing again.

I'm glad my misery's worked out so well for you.

What?

Don't say that, how's it working-

Look, don't be hatin' me, I'm here trying to help you.

You need to forget about this girl

and the best way to do that is

to bury yourself in what you love.

Forget it, Wilson.

Okay, I'm done.

I'm through with writing.

I'm not 20 years old anymore man.

It's time for me to try something else.

Yeah, great, okay, good.

So uhh, what then?

What? You're gonna do what?

You're gonna go work for daddy?

You're gonna work for daddy!

Screw you, Jack!

I'm not letting you quit because some girl broke your heart

and your too busy feeling sorry for yourself.

Oh and uhh, by the way,

when we came out here we had a deal, remember?

When we had some success and then yes things fell apart

and it got really scary, for me too, it got really really scary.

But we have another chance, right now.

A chance by the way buddy, I scrambled my ass to get us.

So if you're gonna quit, you're gonna quit after.

For now lets put away our shit and do something great.

Have you been watching Rudy again haven't you?

He was little but his dreams were big.

Okay.

Ahhh!

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah!

I might have a new idea.

Ahh, is it set in space?

It is not set in space.

Beautiful.

Let me hear it.

Okay.

How's my little badger?

Hmm?

Maria, I can't stand to see you like this.

You have to get on with your life.

And stop eating, you're putting on weight.

Gee, thanks, dad.

Thanks for the pep talk.

I'm just saying, nobody wants a fat old wife.

Your weight, you can still do something about.

Where's mom?

Never mind your mother.

I know what you need.

I got you a present.

I'm picking it up later.

What is it?

It's a surprise, Maria.

This better not be a joke.

No jokes here, Maria.

We all know you've been moping around

because you miss a certain someone.

So, I brought him here.

Surprise!

It's the Portuguese doctor!

Hi, Maria.

Hello, Paul.

You surprised, Maria?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Theres nothing better for sickness than a doctor!

What?

Maria?

Are you alright?!

Yeah, mom, I'm okay.

So?

Everything happens for a reason.

What the hell's that mean?

It means-

congratu-fricken-lations.

You got your funny back, Jack.

Yes!

This is brilliant.

It's original.

Man, it's unlike anything you've ever written.

There's some structure problems but I can fix that

I'll punch it up in a couple days but wow dude wow!

You think we have a real shot?

Umm, I think we got ourselves a pilot deal.

Yes!

Well done!

Well done, well done.

Let's celebrate.

Cocktail hour at The Beagle.

I'll call Amy shes gonna bring her friend Lisa.

Beautiful brunette, you will love her.

Lets do this.

I dunno.

No, no you haven't been out in forever.

You've been cooped up in here for 48 hours straight,

you gotta get out.

And you've got to meet Lisa.

This Lisa.

She also work at the Home Hardware?

You know I like my women handy.

Alright I'll go.

I gotta figure out how to fix my toilet anyway.

Don't lead with that.

Here I'll ah meet you in the car.

Gotta grab my cell.

Hurry dude!

Hey Wilson, what's up?

No, I'm just cleaning.

Why?

You're kidding?

They gave us the green-light?!

No, no, I'll be right there.

Mom?

What is it, Maria?

Can I talk to you for a minute mom?

Sure.

What is it, querida?

Uhh-

I don't know how to tell you this, uh,

I'm pregnant.

I know.

Did you tell Jack yet?

You knew?

A mother senses things.

Soon you will sense things too.

You are a lot like me, Maria.

But you inherited your father's stubbornness.

Mom, how am I ever gonna tell daddy?

He's always said he'd rather die

than live with the shame of an unmarried pregnant daughter.

He'll get over it.

He loves you.

Your father shouldn't be your main concern.

Do you really love Jack?

More than anything.

But it's just not meant to be.

Daddy hates him and Senhora Maria

says that we're not meant for one another.

Stop trying so hard to please your father.

Do what you feel is in your heart.

As for Senhora Maria,

I told you to stop seeing her a long time ago.

I know.

You can't keep relying on her, Maria.

What happened to Marco would have happened anyway-

with or without you.

But she was right.

Just like she was right about my job,

right about Uncle Joao's tumor.

Mom, she's always right!

Not always.

When I was younger, I was madly in love with this boy.

When I was with him nothing else mattered.

He made time stand still.

Oh, I had a very bad case of love brain.

Oh god, could he make me laugh.

We were always laughing.

So one day he asked me to marry him.

That night, I prayed to God,

that Senhora Maria would see a bright future for us,

that we were a good match.

When we went to see her,

she looked me straight in the eye and said,

"He's not the one".

You see-

I knew he was the one,

I didn't dare go against the community.

You know how Portuguese people talk.

So, we broke up and it broke my heart.

A week later, Senhora Maria was calling him every day.

She wouldn't give anybody permission to marry him.

I ended up getting married six months later.

Senhora Maria was in love with dad?

No.

She was in love with Uncle Joao.

But that would mean that you and Uncle Joao-

Were madly in love.

When I wasn't given permission to marry him,

I was introduced to his older brother,

your father, and I settled down.

Not knowing the future can be very frightening.

But it's the beauty of life.

Lose your fears, querida.

Stop trying to control the future and start living it.

Everybody makes mistakes.

But if you're too scared to make them on your own-

you might miss out on something wonderful.

Querida.

I should have listened to my heart, not Senhora Maria.

Hello Jack, I'm umm, I'm pregnant.

Uhh.

Hello Jack, how are you?

I'm umm, I-I-I'm pregnant.

No um, hey Jack, umm, guess what?

Oh come on dummy get a grip.

Okay.

And, cut!

Perfect, it's looking great guys, looking great.

Can we take it one more time from the top of this scene?

Mhmm, yeah.

Wanna find another joke here?

Yeah, I'll figure it out, I'll figure it out.

It's great though, it's great.

Brian, this time deliver the line

about the underwear with frustration.

Like you can't believe she'd even suggest that.

It looks like the sun will be up soon.

Yeah.

This is my favorite time, right before dawn.

So peaceful.

Before anyone's has had a chance to step out and ruin it all.

When I first came in here you were listening to something,

what was it?

It's a song my cousin wrote.

Mind if I listen?

Okay, come sit next to me

Ladies and gentleman you've all been so wonderful

and so patient, we're gonna be going in about five minutes.

Enjoy the show!

Five minutes buddy!

We are gonna kill this.

What if we don't, huh?

What if our show ends up like the "Marty's Party" pilot.

What is that I never saw that?

Exactly!

The studio audience was so silent

they pulled the plug before the second act!

Hey shh, that is not gonna happen here.

We are gonna rock this!

I promise you.

I need this, Wilson, this is my last shot.

I can't work at a Starbucks,

the learning curve there looks ridiculous!

Hey, guys.

What do think of Senhora Maria's make-up?

I like it.

Looks good.

Let's make her creepier, huh?

Break a leg.

Break legs, Thelma.

Break legs!

Nice.

Here we go.

I don't care.

Mr. Bojangles totally threw me under the bus.

Don't blame Mr. Bojangles.

You know, I specifically asked you

if you threw out the bathroom garbage.

And you said, "Yes!"

I thought I did.

I'm sorry!

So-

No uhhh, sex tonight?

Yes! Yes!

C'mon man, c'mon!

Don't make fun of Senhora Maria!

Oh, come on, she's a freakin' fortune teller!

Who always happens to always be right!

She was right about my dad, right about your mom,

right about my dad hooking up with your mom!

She's never wrong!

Well, she'swrong about us.

All I know, is what I know.

And that's that-

I love you.

This is about you and me, not about you, me and Senhora Maria!

You called?!

What do you want?

I need to speak with Maria.

You've done enough to Maria!

I'm not leaving until I speak to her.

I should kill you for what you did to Maria!

You have no respect!

You come here and use my front door?!

Nobody uses my front door!

Not even the mailman!

I'm not leaving.

Daddy, who is it?

Nobody-

Maria, It's me!

I have to talk to you.

There's nothing left to say Jack.

I still love you.

Do you still love me?

What are you doing?

I'll do anything for another chance with us.

Whatever it takes-

Too much time has passed and I've moved on

and so have you.

That's not true.

I just finished shooting my show and it's all-

I'm not feeling well.

Goodbye, Jack.

All you've ever done is upset her.

Oh, what the hell?!

Oops, sorry,we uhh-

we came here to you to celebrate

and you weren't here so we-

we kinda started without you.

Hey, hey, Jack, uhh-

Hey.

Uh, Lisa from plumbing asks about you all the time.

Hey dude, we did it!

The network ordered 12 episodes right away!

We totally banged it man!

Amy, can I talk to Wilson alone for a sec?

Yeah, yeah of course.

I'll uhh, see you in the truck my little samosa.

Yes, yes, yes.

My big big hammer.

Dude, were you mad

that I was getting my pipes cleaned on your couch?

No.

I bet you wish you had sprung for scotch-guard now huh.

You should be drinking with me, we did it!

They're talking about a Thursday night time slot man!

I went to see Maria.

And cancelled before we aired.

She wouldn't hear me out and I don't know what to do.

This isn't going away, is it?

When we were writing, it was like I was still with her.

I know it's pathetic.

No, I get it.

I get it now that we're done

you feel like you're losing her all over again.

Ah, shit buddy.

Alright.

I know what to do.

Here we go, here we go.

You ready?

This is stupid.

I love you.

Lets do this.

Come on, come on.

This is never gonna work Wilson.

Yes it will.

Look, all you gotta do is get the old broad to give you the

thumbs up and then Maria will take you back.

Okay, lets do this.

Hey, there.

Money.

Nice to see you too.

Want me to-

alright.

I know it's nuts, right?

But what do you got to lose?

Nothing.

You're like a little Portuguese ninja.

Shhh!

I see a quarrel in your past that haunts you.

I see a reunion!

A man-

apologizing.

Your father-

he feels guilty because he forced you to play sports.

He realizes that he's been

trying to live his dreams through you.

That never happened.

I'm talking to him!

Oh my god.

That makes so much sense now.

He named me after a volleyball-

Look Senhora Maria, kay we are here to see my future, not his.

He paid, not you.

Jack I gotta go, I gotta call my dad.

I see you chasing a woman.

No wait-

Another.

I see you chasing two women.

That can't be.

Who are they?

I see Maria.

Who's the other?

Hmmmmm.

It's to murky, I can't tell.

No no, wait-

I see an Isabella.

Okay, look, Senhora Maria.

Here's the deal.

Ok, I don't know who this Isabella chick is,

but I'm in love with Maria.

I really need you to do a new reading for us.

I need you to tell her we're a good match.

No Maria, no reading.

Then please call her Senhora Maria

tell her you want to do a new reading.

Just please, I'm desperate here.

You're my last chance.

So, now you want the voo-doo lady's help?

You should have been a believer!

It's an international flight, you know?

You're never gonna make it.

Ahh, I'll drive fast.

I've got a few more minutes.

Ahhhh.

Doesn't feel real to me.

What?

Everything.

This whole night.

You, me, this diner.

It's like we're inside this other world

and nothing outside of this booth exists.

It's like ah, were in a zombie movie

and we're the last two people on the planet.

Yeah.

And like we've known each other-

Forever.

Jack?

What's the craziest thing you've ever done for love?

Start the truck!

Start the truck!

What the hell are you doing?!

This is kidnapping!

If Maria won't come here.

I'll bring Senhora Maria to her.

Are you insane?!

This is kidnapping!

Wilson, a little help!

Put me down you son of a bitch.

I curse you so that bad luck will be the only luck you have!

She seems angry.

What is she doing?

She's trying to give me evil eye.

What does that mean?

It's a European thing.

Amy, get us out of here.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

I am cursing the Patriots too!

Leave them out of this!

Stop hugging me.

I'm not hugging you.

It feels like a hug, let go!

It didn't have to be like this!

Come on.

I'm not going anywhere with you!

Everybody put gloves on!

Come on out.

I am not coming out of this truck

Don't make me come in there.

You have to kill me to get me out of this truck.

Hey!

What are you doing?!

Whoo-oooo, she is nimble.

I'm impressed.

Listen to me, Senhora Maria.

You are gonna tell Maria we are a good match!

You got it?!

Okay.

Son of a bitch!

She bit me!

Amy you got her?

Oh, I got her.

Jack, you alright?

Come on, lets do this!

Maria!

Maria!

I've brought our little friend!

What are you doing here?!

I though you'd give up by now!

If that's what you thought Senhor Moniz

then you don't know Jack.

Does anyone have a pen?!

Call the police, Jose.

This guy is maluco!

What are you doing here, Jack?

You wouldn't hear me out before,

but I knew you'd listen to Senhora Maria

if I brought her here.

So, go ahead, ask her.

Maria, he is not the man for you!

He has no place in your future!

He will curse you!

You shut up!

I'm sick of listening to you!

Maria, some respect!

Not now.

I demand -

Enough, dad!

I am sick and tired of being guilted

and listening to how everyone thinks I should live my life.

Sometimes bad things just happen.

Because they do, not because I'm cursed.

A lousy coincidence-

that's all they've ever been.

But there is one person I would like to hear from-

So, go ahead Jack.

Maria, I came here because I wanted Senhora Maria's blessing.

But the truth is-

I don't believe in her.

I- I tried,but-

I can't.

Because I can't believe in anything

that would want to keep us apart.

All I know, is what I know.

And that's that I love you.

From the first moment we met, I knew it.

I knew my life would never be the same.

And it hasn't.

I've missed you, Maria.

I have missed your ridiculous superstitions,

your snoring, your obsessive cleaning.

I don't snore.

I even miss your insane family.

Sorry, guys.

Nahhh.

I've missed it all.

If you really feel that way Jack-

then why did I see you kissing that other woman?

What?

What woman?

The brunette, Jack.

I saw you kissing her at your place.

No!

No, no, no.

That was an actor who was kissing another actor

who just kinda looks like me.

I know that sounds like bullshit, but it's not.

I was directing them for my show,

which is all about you and me and Senhora Maria

and your family.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

A lot has changed, Jack.

Would you feel the same way-

if you knew?

You're uhh-

Immaculate conception?

I'm gonna be a dad.

What is it, what's the matter?

I think my water just broke.

Someone call an ambulance!

Nonsense!

Maria's decided on a traditional Portuguese home birth.

So, I'm calling the middlewife, please bring her in.

Kickin' it old school.

I like it!

Just breathe.

Where's my midwife?

I don't think I can do this at home.

I need drugs!

Be right back, sis!

Just breathe, babe.

Focus.

Close your eyes and go towards the light.

I'm not dying you idiot!

I'm sorry baby, it's the hormones.

If it helps, I wrote an episode of Grey's Anatomy about this.

Now no, no, it was not picked up

however I was told it was very authentic.

Okay, yeah, fair enough.

The middlewife is delivering another baby,

but I brought some help!

What do you mean help?!

You've got to be kidding me?!

Hi Maria, how are you?

Other than the labor, I'm fine!

I haven't delivered ababy in a long time!

I don't think I can just go and do this-

Get in there.

Oh, no I remember this, this is familiar.

Yeah I can do this, yeah, okay.

This isn't awkward.

My ex-fianc? delivering my new fianc?'s baby.

Are you engaged?!

Yes.

Yeah, we are.

That is wonderful.

Why didn't you tell us?!

We were waiting for the right moment.

Surpria-hhhhh-ise!

What kind of a man doesn't ask for permission

from the father's first?!

Jose, please!

Will somebody get him a lozenge!

No, don't go south of the boarder!

All I got is this-

Oh whoa!

I just need you to relax, lay back and push.

I can't anymore!

You can do this baby, you can do this, ready!?

I can't.

You can do this Maria!

One, two, three.

You're almost there, push hard.

One, two, three.

Is it a little football player?

She sure is.

Do you wanna hold your daughter?

A pretty great first, huh?

Everything we do with her will be a first.

Her first.

What's her name?

I was thinking Isabella?

Isabella is perfect.

Aww.

Better safe than sorry.

For my baby porkchop!

Congratulations, Av?.

You too, Av?.

I love you.

Best first date ever.

This wasn't a first date.

No?

Now it is.

Lets not make this tougher.

Long distance doesn't work.

So uhh, just call me when you get back.

Don't be getting married on me.

You take care of yourself, Maria.

Good luck in London Jack.

What if I stayed?

What if I didn't take the job?

But let's see where this goes.

This could get complicated.

There's only one way to find out.

I was just secretly wishing that you'd get fired

and that you'd have to come back.

So you are familiar with my writing.

Now, where were we-

It's the choices we make that determine our future.

But maybe fate or fortune have something to do with it.

Hmm I used to kid myself that Miss Fortune didn't exist

but that was before I fell in love with her.